Nexus Issue 12

WAIKATO’S FREE STUDENT MAGAZINE

Issue Twelve June 4th 2012

2

D

IY is an interesting topic. Nah, honest. I say this, because DIY is more than just banging together a few bits of wood into a shabby outdoor table.

It’s bigger than fixing up a deck for summer. It’s a little further reaching than being too cheap to hire someone else to do a petty job for you. It’s an attitude. One that good ol’ hard working New Zealanders connect with. We know we are more than capable of providing for ourselves, if we need or want something, we go out and get it.

Life is about opportunities and we should never be afraid of taking too many opportunities. What’s the worst that can happen? That you’ll suck at it? Well boo hoo. Try again. This issue is designed to celebrate the positive attitude of DIY and the crazy shit people produce when they set their minds to it.

DIY therefore doesn’t just encompass home improvements. The ‘do it yourself’ attitude covers university projects, work events, party planning…. Whatever floats your boat. As long as you muck in and immerse yourself in something, hey, you’re part of the gang. Everyone needs to think about this, because

you all know how to do shit. You’re fully capable human beings. Get out there, put some effort in and work for your goals! DIY is alive and well in everybody. You just gotta embrace it.

It’s more satisfying that way.

I think the DIY attitude could come in handy these next few weeks, you know.

You’re all full speed ahead in your exam study, right? Tidying up loose semester ends; pretty stressful huh?

Well, give it your all. Go flat tack.

Throw in effort to the Nth degree.

Harness that feeling of being entirely capable of satisfying your own wishes. You don’t need nobody. Sure, you can skim though life riding on the back of other people’s hard work and success, but I think, maybe, it might be cool to just do it yourself.

Figure out what you want out of life; your social calendar, your degree, your career, and go and get it. YOU CAN DO IT. Just ask Rob Schneider.

Then when the semester break comes up, take on something new. Don’t just sit at home all day Facebook stalking other people having a good time. Get a hobby, learn a language (maybe. I hear it’s kind of hard, but Spanish or French would be pretty

damn cool…), or just make some new friends. Become a sensible version of Jim Carey’s ‘Yes man’ and ‘DIY’ yourself a whole new outlook on life.

Part of the whole DIY mantra is the idea that you are open to change, and you want to be the driving force behind that change. As 60% of my friends have just left on their O.E’s, my boyfriends decided he’s off to Peru for a month with his mother, (I know, right?! Our family holidays were to Tauranga…) and since I’m stuck in Hamilton wading through this degree, I’ve challenged myself to fill the temporary void with something new and exciting. Do I take up sewing? Do I watch lots of old films? Will I finally finish reading Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy?

Should I just adopt more cats and dress them up as Darth Vader, Luke and Leia?

So. Whether you want to re-design your flat/home, take control of a project, or change your life direction, the DIY attitude is something that will be useful to you. You can do it yourself. You know you can. So get out there and get what you want, okay?! Hopefully lot’s of A’s and A+’s, am I right?

Editorial

3

Editors Alix Higby and Sean Goulding Design Katrina McIntosh (design@nexusmag.co.nz) Design Interns Anna Bennett, Eva Hou, Shaun Jay Advertising Tony Arkell (ads@nexusmag.co.nz) News MacKenzie McCarty, Tom Eley, Liza Kire, Kim Laubscher, Evie Marinkovich Managing Editor James Raffan (james@nexusmag.co.nz) News Wintec Photographers Evie Marinkovich Special thanks to www.waikatoindependent.co.nz Contributors President Sapphire Gillard, Amber the Advocate, Mr. Minty Fish, Hoory Yeldizian, Dr Richard Swainson, Mel Matthews, Kevin Pryor, Jill from CAB, Craig Barrett, HP, Nick Marryatt, Sam writer of far too many words Taylor, Penguin, Paul Barlow, Skippy, Pseudonym and the glorious indestructable 8 ball.

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS MAGAZINE, THE WSU, APN, THE EDITOR, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, OR ANYONE ELSE IN PARTICULAR.

Nexus Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton.

Phone: 07 856 9139 Email: editor@nexusmag.co.nz

What’s Inside?

Features 14 18 20

V 48 Hour Film Festival DIY Decorating your Student Flat Top Ten New Zealand Athletes who Did it Themselves

News 6 9 11

The Nexus News Desk Short News Let Them Eat Cake

Opinion

3 Editorial 5 How Saph Sees It 10 Left vs. Right 11 Sports Thoughts 12 Lettuce 22 Auteur House 23 Mr. Minty Fish 25 Hate It or Love It 28 How To 26 Verbiage

Lifestyle 30 26 31 36 39

Lick that Spoon Cereal The Convent of Pleasure CAB and Ask Amber Sam’s Garden

Entertainment 29 24

8 Ball and Horrorscopes Puzzles

Reviews 32

Books, Game, cafe, film and Comic Reviews

focusing attention on the achievement of our Maori and Pasifika students who traditionally need this support for longer.

Nationally students are concerned and frustrated about the Budget changes. Auckland students blocked the streets in protest and the Minister of Finance, Mr English, response was to ask “who’s really listening” and that “they need some Greeks to show them how to do it.” What?

Really? To be heard, we should riot and smash things?

S

tudent action is important. The collective student voice is important. Over the last few weeks I have been meeting with other student association presidents and discussing a number of national issues.

These have ranged from sports on campus and the structure of University Sport New Zealand (USNZ) to the Budget and how the changes to student loans and allowances will affect us all.

These changes to student allowances are a problem.

The fact that the government is no longer going to offer student allowances for post graduate study devalues our brightest students. They are removing support from our masters and PhD candidates. They are also limiting the number of weeks you can obtain an allowance, while

As I sit considering a request to our local Hamilton East MP, David Bennett, to come to campus and discuss the changes with students, I wonder what he thinks about these comments. What would he do if we started setting fire to bins and vehicles outside his office? Is this was people expect us to do if we actually care about something? Is peaceful protest, an important part of people expressing their beliefs and a way of ensuring democracy, no longer respected and listened to?

I invite you to submit any questions you have regarding the budget and we will collate these and put them to our MP. You can do this through facebook or via email to me: president@wsu.org.nz I also encourage you to come down to the Green! Show your support and find out how the changes affect you.

David Bennett will be on campus on Wednesday during cultural hour.

e june 21st

ter befor league 3: en

play indooodr ay!

social sport t

Students busk and bake to continue Sir Ed’s legacy Talented students have been out busking on the University of Waikato campus to raise money to continue the work of Sir Edmund Hillary in Nepal. The students, who are all current Sir Edmund Hillary Scholars, were fundraising for the Himalayan Trust which supports education, health and reforestation programmes, cultural preservation and emergency relief work in the Himalayan region.

“We are fundraising because we want to respect and continue Sir Ed’s legacy,” said Hillary Scholar Lewis Dean, who performed as part of the fundraising day.

“His legacy and values are what the Sir Edmund Hillary Scholarship programme is built upon. It’s my first year as a Hillary scholar and I’ve already genuinely found those values throughout the programme.”

Waikato University’s Sir Edmund Hillary Scholarship Programme awards scholarships to academic high achievers who show significant leadership qualities and also excel in sport or in the creative and performing arts.

Dean, who is originally from Pukekohe and is studying for a Bachelor of Science, is the programme’s first comedian scholar. He performed a brief stand-up comedy set and music scholars Jenna Walmsley and Chase Douglas sang for the many students who turned out to watch the performances on the village green.

“It’s great that we can use our talents to give back,” said Douglas. “Sir Edmund Hillary gave so much and it is a prestigious honour to hold a scholarship that bears his name, so I’m glad I can give back and continue the work he started.” All the scholars contributed homemade food to a bake sale, and there were also fundraising boxes around campus. The students aimed to raise $500 and had already surpassed their target by 2pm.

Every year the University of Waikato Sir Edmund Hillary Scholars put on a Himalayan Trust Fundraising Day on the closest Wednesday to the 29 May, when Sir Ed conquered Everest.

6

News

Chase Annan’s dream of New York is coming to life

By Evie Marinkovich, Wintec Student Writing for www.waikatoindependent.co.nz Chase Annan is on his way to New York – although the white Christmas is still not finalised. Chase, 10, was born with cystic fibrosis and has an intellectual disability.

Chase’s mum, Donna Slater, has been putting money aside to make her son’s dream of spending a white Christmas in New York a reality. Now a big fat gypsy cocktail Photo: Evie Marinkovich party, a fundraising event for Chase, has bought in the final amount needed with support from people all over Hamilton, Cambridge, Rotorua and Auckland, The event, held at the Cambridge Club on Saturday May 5, hosted around 70 Chase supporters and raised a hefty $3,309. The force behind the event, Jeanette Cork, hit the ground running after hearing of Chase’s plight and his dream of experiencing a white Christmas in New York. “I thought, if we are going to do it, we are going to do it well, and the businesses in Cambridge were very generous.” With the help of friends to do the organising, and Facebook to spread the word, the event was quickly under way with people offering what they could from all over the North Island. The food was donated, and the band, Scooby Don’t, played for free. Tarot card readings, photos, donations, love potion shots and raffles all helped raise money on the night.

Amy Banks, manager of the Cambridge Club said they sold left-over goody bags after the event. “I only asked people for $2 minimum but one young guy came up and donated $20, I was blown away.” Chase got involved by singing and playing the guitar and drums with the band.

This week, with the money raised from the event, Chase and Donna were able to finalise their trip by paying for the accommodation, insurance, all the stops on the way and the remainder of the flights. Donna is blown away from the support they have received. “When we started in March last year we thought if we fundraise at least half, we’ll find a way to get the rest and if it takes two years then that’s what we’ll do.” In just over a year, they have reached their goal and from here on in, their target is to get a bit of spending money for Chase to make the most of his trip.

The first thing Chase hopes to do in America is to go ice skating outside, “so I can push Mum over”. He also hopes to visit Helen Clark in the UN, as well as go shopping at the toy shop featured in the movie Arthur, FAO Schwartz.

Vmail Vmail is a voice messaging app for iPhone and Android smartphones, which provides a more convenient and personalised way to communicate with your contacts while on the go. You will no longer have the frustration of typing messages on your on-screen keyboard – with one press, you can record a voice message and choose to send to any contact in your phone address book as an e-mail, sms or Vmail if they also have the app.

The app will also enable you to include text, pictures or your current location with your message. In short, Vmail is about connecting with your contacts in a more convenient, personalised way. Vmail will be offered for free for a limited time and will be available in the App Store and Google Play by late June.

Who is behind Vmail?

Vmail Limited is a small New Zealand-based company that was founded in 2011 by a small entrepreneurial team of Waikato University MBA students and IT enthusiasts, who had tried other voice messaging apps and were convinced that there must be a better way. There is a real buzz of energy amongst the current team which has grown significantly to two business development managers; an IT manager and technical team, consisting of an android developer, a server specialist, a graphical designer and an iOS development contractor; a marketing manager and two marketing interns.

Achievements The Vmail team won the coveted Waikato University Dragon’s Den competition in March. The business idea was selected as the best among 40 students from the University’s Centre for Corporate and Executive Education and the Waikato-Tainui College for Research and Development at Hopuhopu.

Tagline: Vmail – switch on your voice, message anyone

How is Vmail different?

While iPhones and Android smartphones are powerful mobile communication tools, their small screen size is a major drawback when trying to send e-mails or sms messages. Typing messages using the on-screen keyboard is time-consuming and error-prone. Voice messaging is a faster and more personalised alternative to sending e-mail or sms messages and can currently be done by placing a call from your mobile phone to your contact. However this is relatively expensive and also time consuming as you need to wait for their phone to ring and listen to their recorded greeting before you can leave a message. There are also voice messaging apps available, such as HeyTell and TalkBox, however these restrict you to only send voice messages to contacts that also have that app. Vmail is the quick and inexpensive way to send a voice message to anyone, even if they do not have the Vmail app. The addition of pictures, text and your current location makes the app even more special. Vmail has a patent pending on these unique features.

Getting ready for launch!

The Vmail Limited team is working hard with a view to get Vmail market-ready and launched by late June on the Apple App Store and Google Play. The team anticipates that Vmail’s value-proposition will be easily recognised and Vmail user network will grow rapidly. A similar voice messaging app grew to 10million users within 1 year. We believe Vmail has the potential to do the same or better.

Where are we heading?

Beyond launch the team anticipate strengthening the Vmail app with additional features, such as video and social media integration, as well as increasing accessibility to the app, by having tablet and PC/Mac versions of Vmail.

Facebook: www.facebook.com/vmailapp

News

7

Cigarette price rise sees students grow their own

By MacKenzie McCarty, Tom Eley, Liza Kire, Kim Laubscher, Wintec Students Writing for www.waikatoindependent.co.nz Students are growing their own tobacco in the face of cigarette price hikes. Thursday was World Smokefree Day and to mark the occasion, Wintec journalism students scoured smokers’ favourite haunts – off campus – to ask whether price rises announced in last week’s Budget would force them to kick the habit.

Chris McKenzie, 27, said he expected a greater number of people would go “underground” and grow their own tobacco once the new price increases came Photos: Supplied into force early next year.

“There are already students in our classes who [grow their own].”

He also thought that if the government was going to raise the price of tobacco, then it should also raise the price of alcohol because more people drank alcohol than smoked cigarettes.

Another student, who did not want to be named, said his friends were already growing their own tobacco and more would probably follow.Wintec student, James Soanes, said that he wasn’t aware the price of tobacco was about to go up. He had been smoking since he was 17 and had trouble going a day without a cigarette.“It depends on stress to do with assignments. I can’t go a day without smoking,” he said. Elliot Hopkins, a 19 year-old Media Arts student, said he gave up smoking recently so the ten per cent rise rise wouldn’t affect him. He believed the price rise wouldn’t influence heavy smokers.“People that are addicted will buy them anyway. It just makes it more of a hassle.”Meghann Rawling, 18, who is studying Early Childhood Education at Wintec and who is a roll-yourown smoker, said she had little interest in a smoke-free day.‘The rise of cigarette prices is ridiculous and I will not be able to afford to do anything.’Courtney Nelson, 19, who also studies Early Childhood Education, thought the price increase was ‘stupid and excessive’ and it would not stop her from smoking.“It will just make me more broke. I did not mind the price increase the first time but it is just way too much this time.”Cresta Wilson, 20, a Wintec student studying Te Whiuwhiu o Te Hau, was also unaware that ‘Smokefree Day’ was on Thursday. She prefers roll-yourowns because of affordability.

8

News

“I probably won’t stop, but when the prices go up I’ll try.

Heaps of people will probably give up.”

Kyle Sehnert, 20, a returning Psychology student, was also unaware of ‘Smokefree Day’. He believed the latest price increase would mean more smokers quit.

“It is both inconvenient and understandable,” he said.

Corrina Walters, 24, is a Te Whiuwhiu student and has been smoking for ten years. She also smokes roll-yourowns because it is all she can afford. She believed the price increases meant people would have to rework their budgets.

“In my opinion ‘Smokefree Day’ is just another day for the world to stigmatise and be prejudiced towards smokers,” she said. “I think more people will turn to crime so they can get the money to afford it.” She had no plans to give up even if the prices rose further.

Liza Kire, 26, a Wintec Journalism student, believed that she was being punished because of a personal choice.

“It is really annoying because I feel like I can no longer support my habit and the price increase will be the only reason I quit,” she said. “If we have a smoke free day why can we not have a national alcohol free days as well?”

FISH OIL REDUCES EXAM ANXIETY Are you breaking out in a sweat over the thought of looming exams? Take some fish oil and things will go swimmingly, according to the latest research on omega 3.

A study of 68 healthy medical students at the Institute for Behavioural Medicine Research at Ohio State University found a 20% reduction in anxiety symptoms after twelve weeks of Omega-3 supplementation, compared to the placebo group.

Either a daily dose of 2.5 grams of Omega-3 or a placebo capsule were given to the group and psychological surveys to gauge stress, anxiety and depression were carried out during lower stress periods as well as on days before an exam. In addition to the significantly lower anxiety levels in students who received the fish oil supplements, results also showed a 14% reduction in a range of inflammatory marker compounds which are a primary gateway to hormonal stress responses.

The placebo-controlled double-blind randomised controlled trial suggests that Omega-3 supplementation can reduce inflammation and anxiety even among health young adults. Professor Shaun Holt, medical advisor and researcher says the data adds to the ever growing body of science supporting the potential health benefits of Omega-3.

“I remember how stressful medical school exam time was and I wish I had known then that Omega-3 fish oil supplements may have helped.

“The effectiveness of Omega-3 for depression is well documented after being the subject of many clinical trials and this study builds on a body of work that shows connections between Omega-3 and psychiatric issues,” says Professor Holt.

Wow a version of Sugar Babes that may actually be talented An American website that helps “sugar daddies” find “sugar babes” has crossed the Atlantic to Britain. The site has proved popular with cash strapped students, some of whom are paid up to $14,000 a month by rich, normally older men.

Could it happen in New Zealand? Probably not. For the scheme to work you would need some super wealthy ex-wall street guy to be calling the shots, and he and his rich friends could only rent these female students if they were so desperate for money because they could no longer get their student allowance or find a job……Hey, wait a minute….now it makes sense.

Putting the H in Wales Emergency workers in Wales were called to cut a wall out of a residential house hold in order to get a 19 year old to the hospital for emergency care. Why a wall you ask?

Because the 19 year old weighs 380kgs. We have left some space at the bottom of the page; feel free to insert your own joke there.

Wouldn’t Killer Dolphin have sounded better?

A Wolphin - a rare hybrid of male false killer whale and female bottle nose dolphin - has died shortly after its birth late last week at the Fushun Royal Ocean World in China’s Liaoning Province. There is nothing funny about any animal dying, but Wolphin is a word you can say over and over again.

Random Quote of the Week “I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”

- Tara Reid

Random Fact of the Week TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

News

9

LEFT vs RIGHT

This week we talk Rio + 20. Let us know who you think won at lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz

L

S

We aren’t so different in this world, except instead of dragons and wild northerners, we have poverty, climate change, peak oil and all the other nasty things that our obsessive focus on unsustainable economic growth has caused. Like the leaders of the Seven Kingdoms our leaders are wilfully ignoring these problems, or at best making half hearted efforts until at some point in the future we are forced to deal with them. Which brings me to the Rio +20 conference, a massive conference where many of the worlds leaders, scientists and NGO’s come together to determine how best to deal with the problems that our way of life have caused.

Let’s look at the background of this. You all remember the complete waste of space that was Kyoto? Oh yeah, that thing. The one that everyone said was going to save the planet or something. Nek minit, US won’t ratify.

Canada signs and ratifies, then pulls out. Then came the Washington Declaration. That was a bunch of countries saying “Yeah, we should maybe do something about this.”

Seriously. That’s all the thing says - well that and they hoped something would be in place by 2009 (whoops).

Following that, we had the 33rd G8 Summit. They said we’d try to halve global emissions by 2050 - if some (potentially alarmists) are to be believed, we’ll all be dead by then. The Vienna Climate Change Talks 2007, COP-15 in Copenhagen and COP-16 in South Africa all have come and gone. What have we achieved? Other than a bunch of carbon emissions from shipping world leaders to different places around the world, that is? A whole bunch of good intentions (or a lack of them from some countries) but little else. So why should I waste my time telling you how Rio+20 is going to save the world? It’s not. Why should you waste your time reading the bollock to the left here about how amazing Rio+20 is and how it’s going to save the world? You shouldn’t. Why should I waste my time writing any more of this shit?

I shouldn’t.

ately I’ve been sucked into the Game of Thrones, a TV show about a bunch of noble people who spend their time trying to kill each other to become king of the Seven Kingdoms.

The thing that I find really interesting is that while everybody in the Seven Kingdoms is busy killing each other they are all ignoring the pissed off dude sitting north of them with an army 100,000 strong, and the woman over the ocean who doesn’t have much of an army but has dragons. To make everything worse winter is coming and nobody seems concerned enough to stockpile food, everyone can tell that things are not going well for the seven kingdoms.

20 Years ago a conference on the same theme was held in the same city, the result of that conference was a very thorough description of what governments, corporations and individuals around the world should do in order to create a sustainable future. However, the proposals have not been met. After 20 years of inactivity more ambitious plans will have to be made to create a sustainable future for humanity, and the costs will be higher. I’m sure in the end the Game of Thrones will have a happy ending, it is only a question of how much suffering there will be before the series ends. Likewise I’m sure that eventually humanity will find our sustainable future, the only question is how long we will delay getting there, and what the economic, social and environmental costs of that delay will be.

10

Opinion

o, for some reason, this week we’ve been told to talk about Rio+20. For those of you who have better things to worry about, that’s the United Nations Conference on Sustainable Development.

Seriously, what is the point? If I was able to choose a topic for this, I would rather talk about how perfect Max Dillon Coyle is than about this pointless conference. And given I wonder how religions must have put a curse on him (as he is the devil and all*), that would probably be the last topic I’d want to talk about. Given a certain person within the organisation that is Nexus thought it was an excellent idea to waste my time writing this, and your time reading this, I had better keep get my write on.

* In my opinion. You’re free to make up your own mind on that one.

A newsy rant on why I hate people, things, politicians and all other Budget 2012 related douchebaggery.

T

he 2012 budget contained everything you would expect from the government. Under the guise of “austerity measures“ the government went and bent the middle class and the students over their large ministerial desk and began to once again thrust until they finished.

This time however we had the added benefit of seeing Bill English mock us while he did it.

Was anyone actually surprised?

This government more than any other in the nation’s history has done more to disestablish the protection and social conscious that Michael Joseph Savage set up in the 1930’s. They made it harder on young working families particularly those that with a family member trying to study.

They raised the cost of prescription medicine made it nearly impossible to seek assistance for post graduate study and froze the threshold for the student allowance while removing a bunch of exceptions and criteria. And for what? A mythical and arbitrary surplus in 2015. I mean we all knew the government was going to fuck us but this time they have made it more expensive to enjoy the post coital cigarette afterwards.

Meanwhile Bill English, in his most famous role as the worst bond Villain ever, taunted students everywhere for taking to the streets and suggested we get some Greeks in to show us how to protest more effectively. The Greeks who are busy fire bombing people and rioting. Is that really what old uncle Bill wants to see happen? In some ways I think it is. He plays to his base by trying to come across folks and have a sense of humour and tries to make anyone who disagrees with him seem over the top and unreasonable.

The problem is he is getting a lot of help by people being over the top and unreasonable.

I read an article last week that compared the budget spending of New Zealand to the spending of the US defence forces. It was a nice visual cue but a little hyperbolic.

English is trying to get students angry and I am not entirely sure amping up the rhetoric helps anyone. Students just need to stay on message. That message is simple: the government is being more than a little hypocritical by saying it wants to invest in the knowledge economy and create 21st century jobs and then penalising anyone who wants to take part in it one day after they get

their masters degree. When Nexus interviewed David shearer he (to his credit) admitted he hadn’t taken his under grad that seriously but when he did his masters he was more focused and devoted more time and energy to it. That has to be true for a number of motivated and dedicated students who don’t have time to go out and get a part time job.

Bill English threw down the gauntlet that post grad students should stop making noise “go out and get jobs and become productive” When you have 100 people queue for potential jobs at Countdown you have to be a bit more realistic about what is out there. A PHD student is going to be competing with former CEO’s and others to get a part time job to subsidise their study.

If you were serious about austerity you would have rolled back the tax cuts you gave the wealthy when you first got into office. The student body needs to say in one calm voice “Fuck you, I’ll get a job when your government learns how to create them. Until then I will finish my masters and PHD so that when the eventual offer comes from overseas, I can leave you behind and go get a job where I don’t feel persecuted or undervalued.”

the government is being more than a little hypocritical by saying it wants to invest in the knowledge economy and create 21st century jobs and then penalising anyone who wants to take part in it one day after they get their masters degree.

Nexus wants your Lettuce!

Write about anything you like.

We’re like FOX News, in that we’ll publish anything if it’s funny.

Your name won’t be attributed to your letter if you choose, and pseudonyms are fine (we still need your real name). Send them through to lettuce@nexusmag. co.nz before 5pm on Wednesday for a chance to be included in the next issue. Also, we won’t edit anything you send us, because it’s funnier that way.

READ: WE DIDN’T WRITE THIS, AND IT’S THEREFORE NOT OUR FAULT. LOVE, NEXUS

12

Dear Nexus I would like to share with you my thoughts about a certain group of people that we have all been in contact with and in my personal opinion should be belted over the head repeatedly with heavy mining equipment. These people are usually sitting beside you in an early morning lecture. They may even be someone that you are friendly with. They start out a conversation saying something innocent like “hey, hows it going?” to which i reply “yeah, I’m alright..

Pretty tired though, woke up at 8am this morning”. Now here is where it gets bad. This person will say something douchey like “you woke up at 8?! that’s nothing, i had to get up at 6.30 this morning..”. Now, to all people who have uttered that sentence, may i say SCREW YOU! Its not a competition you retard.

You are not going to be awarded any medals or keys to the city because

you decided to get out of bed before me. Does it make you feel superior to everyone else because you don’t need as much sleep as we do? It’s not our fault that we can efficiently manage our time so we can spend as much time in bed as possible and still get to class. Sometimes complete strangers will get in on the conversation with very witty remarks such as “well i got up at 5.45 for training”. Who honestly gives a flying fuck about you and what time you got out of bed. Do you honestly have nothing else interesting in your life that you think we all want to hear about this?? That’s pretty sad, but don’t make the rest of us suffer through your mundane existence. If anyone out there hears this sort of talk going on in one of your lectures it is your patriotic duty to slap the back of their heads and yell at the top of your lungs “NO ONE CARES!!!”

Your humble servant Marky Mark

Dear Edmund John Ram Firstly, I am pleased to hear you have been offended, and I hope this one offends you too. People should just swallow what you give them to swallow without question, right?

You claim that no one refutes the historical accuracy of the Bible? I’m inclined to say that even you don’t believe that, but from what I have read of yours, you just may be that narrow minded and egocentric.

When you mention a historian, I am assuming your referring to someone who closely resembles your own religious views. How convenient, don’t you think? You claim that the bible is very clear. Genesis 3:16 (one of the many that negate women’s rights) states that men have rule over women. 1 Samuel 15:3 justifies the killing of women and children. I assume you hold these beliefs as well? Or do you pick and choose the parts of the Bible that are to your benefit only? Those of the Christian (or any other) faith interpret the Bible differently and cannot be accurately represented by one Christian with their own personal interpretation. I suggest you re-read

the second letter aimed at you from last week. They may as well copy and paste that into this week’s nexus, as you have obviously not taken it into account. You mustn’t think this university is completely ‘loony-left’; they are publishing your ‘knowledgeable’ articles after all aren’t they?

Yours in Reason, Chris.

Dear Nexus Readers, Chances are that if you are reading this, you are in the middle of another important lecture. Why did you even bother coming? You can’t focus on what the lecturer is trying to say when you’re reading Nexus and doing Sudoku’s…

To those who sit there on their laptops and play games: Why don’t you just go the library? It’s warmer.

There are bean bags, food, egg chairs, power outlets and enough couches to fit an american on, so why do you invade my learning? Sure, YOU didn’t come to the lecture to learn, but I did.

Bastards. Be off with you. You’re very distracting. I didn’t come here to see how good you are at PocketTanks.

SERIOUSLY, just leave. Right now.

Now, I’m an understanding guy. If you need to leave early, sure, go for it.

But PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY do NOT sit closest to the wall. Have a little bit of foresight.

You’re going to need to leave. How about you make everyone else in your row get up? Seriously, have some courtesy. Some of us are trying to learn. End of the row, PLEASE. Well, that’s about it. Now go pay attention to your lecturer. Go out and learn. That’s why you pay so much money to come here. Unless it’s Stats.

Then go ahead and Facebook your life away. It’ll be a better use of your time.

Yours sincerely, The guy reading the Nexus next to you.

Dear Edward John Ram AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Thank you for the biggest laugh I have had all day. Thank you, sir, for poking fun at the fundamentalists who take things to a ridiculous extreme. I found your impersonation to be almost spot on, though I think the “Fuhrermore” slip might be a bit of a giveaway though - shh!

Keep them thinking you’re one of them! For anyone who doesn’t get the joke, look up Poe’s Law. Sincerely; Amused Agnostic

“Thoughts 4 our LYF! Reversing backward around a roundabout vs. life? Perceived misconceptions?? Personal foundations!? Ones identity!?

Where do you stand? How do you stand? Why do you stand for what you do? You see our sense of identity is the foundation upon which we build our lives and it is from our own revelation of self that everything stems. So if we where to draw back your life’s curtain, to reveal an unending scene of potential and destiny…what would we find?

Yes Christian I may be, but judgmental, perfect and naive I am not. Hear me out! Most girls desire “Mr Right,” and most guys want the perfect 10 girl. Though has the following facts even crossed your mind? Do you really like/love the person or is it just lust!? What the difference? Doesn’t matter you say! Try this for a scenario… one person lusts another person, yet this other person falls in love with the luster. Yes both people have an attraction in the “relationship,” but maintain difference desires from the relationship. So this relationship may last a week, a month, or even a year or two…but the question is will it last a life time?? Gets you thinking about consciences and choices we make in life! So no I am not saying that the relationship will fail, but I am asking the question “are you both going into the “relationship” with the same desires”?? Or are you ignoring the

indefinite for failure, and expecting hurt... So what is the indefinite in a world that cries to be loved? Deep down who do u see as stern authority figure demanding that you will get it right…or have you glimpsed your life’s journey?”

Sheldine Christie

Dear Nexus Editors, I write today because I have come to notice a fatal problem in today’s current society. Now this problem is by no means a recently occurring ideal. It has been a slow and steady infection of the collective social consciousness by the “up-standing and morally correct” Christian cult.

It began with a distaste of sexually liberated persons, due to the fact that they could not follow suit through fear of divine consequence. They wished to isolate and alienate those who represented the act of sexual interaction as a pleasure, or pasttime, as opposed to their sole view of it as being for reproduction. Now this intolerance is by no means restricted solely directed at the ladies-of-thenight. This same intolerance has resulted in; mass genocide, as seen during the Holy Crusades of the 11th, 12th and 13th Centuries, the enslavement of other races, as many early-American historians can attest to, the discrimination of race and gender, and so on and so forth.

Being the 21st Century Anno Domini, these ideals have been shed step-bystep, but there is still a social stigma associated with the workers of the sex trade. They are seen as the scum of the Earth due to the fact that they are considered figure heads for the revolutionisation of sex. Those

who express their disgust at the act consider sex to be a private affair, an act to be experienced by only the two participating. This is a foolish view to uphold in this time where near everything can be readily accessed via the internet. It is folly to attempt to hold on to by-gone ideals that are no longer practical. This being the University of Waikato, it should take a stand against this injustice.

Much like New Zealand were the first country to legalise the rights of women to vote in 1893, the university should be the first to promote the sex trade. It should look towards setting up an in-house brothel and hiring a string of Courtesans to beautify the otherwise dreary landscape. To walk around with the stride of a confident, independent woman, who does not feel discriminated by the majority and forced to work under the cover of darkness. Let them walk free with elaborate dress, similar to the style the Courtesans of Renaissance Italy presented themselves. We should celebrate the right of the woman to do as she pleases. We should create festivals to honour the courage and self-confidence. We should not bow under the pressure of an increasingly weakening religion.

Not to be silenced, I do look forward to the next controversial issue I choose to tackle and present through the medium of this magazine.

Yours in Expectation, Marquis de Meschief

Congratulations you are this week’s winner!

Come to the Waikato Students’ Union building to claim your prize!

13

14

Feature

Feature

15

16

Feature

S

o you have survived your first semester as a student. Your alcohol and drug abuse isn’t overly habitual and your flatmate has slowed down the steady precession of one night stands and town conquests to a more manageable level. You decide to get exams out of the way and then you are going to spend the next few weeks on the ultimate DIY project: Your student flat. It’s time to put the stolen street signs, road cones and burnt knives in the trash outside and make your place a little more you. Here are just a few ideas on how to do that on a budget:

Walls Make The Best Canvas Posters and Blu tack were fine in high school but it’s time to step it up a little.

Tip One: Just like music and cat suits, everything is cooler with vinyl. Cool and relatively cheap ($14-$30 Aus) the key to it is to find one or two that make a statement.

Tip Two: Family photos are not cute, endearing or appropriate for hallways or common spaces. Photo collages of you and your friends over the last year can be kind of cool though.

Tip Three: Sometimes dumb ideas are the best. When we were writing this a girl told us she had taken a mugshot photo of every one night stand from that year in the flat.

Not only did it work as a visually effective piece but it keeps you and your flatmate from making the same mistakes.

18

Feature

Get loaded then get creative.

Want to display your inner Hunter S Thompson. Alcohol can be great to get your creative ideas flowing but recycling is also cool Wine bottles – Is there anything they can’t do? Candle holders. Wind chimes, a shelving unit. See what the non alcoholics are missing out on.

This Chandelier is particularly excellent but too much Skrillix could see glass rain down on you like a biblical plague.

Beer can toothbrush holder: Lop the top off a beer can. Shave down the edges and you have the perfect holder for your toothbrushes. Besides we cant think of another use for empty cans in a student flat.

Embrace the Clichés If American TV has taught us anything it is that there are certain expectations of the student flat.

Tables are for old people: If you don’t have a multi use table then you’re doing it wrong. Beer Pong, Foosball or (for the slightly more upmarket) Air Hockey tables can all be eaten off stop being a snob.

The Cinder Block Bookshelf: Why not?

Environmentalism: Sustainability is sexy. So is your own wall garden.

Show people how smart you are: or fill it up with DVDs and show them your finely honed sense of irony.

Technology: your friends will never leave.

Feature

19

20

10: Mark Todd Who is he? Multiple Olympic gold medalist equestrian rider who made the sport briefly cool and used his fame to make millions pushing Bell tea on trusting Grannies Nation wide Why is he on the list? Winning gold medals while allegedly coke’d out must be damn near impossible so when the scandal broke that Todd (spoiler alert) may use recreational drugs he became even more of a loveable rouge. I mean how did we not suspect it in the first place, have you seen that nose? We are just guessing he was also a big influence on a young Jessie Ryder. Todd’s horse Charisma was often viewed as the real talent but we couldn’t put a horse on the list.

9: Phar Lap Who is he? New Zealand’s greatest ever Horse. Why is he on the list?

Because “Suck it Australia!”

That’s why.

8: Mahe Drysdale Who is he? The rower that isn’t Rob Waddell. He’s kinda awesome and even when he is looking like he is about to die he managed to be competitive. Why is he on the list? Because if their precious rowing isn’t talked about on campus once a week the University will shut down the Faculties of Law and Arts and Social Sciences. We didn’t make the rules we just live comfortably beneath them

7: Barbara Kendall Who is she? Everyone’s favourite hippie. This loveable gold medallist has an athletic brother named Bruce who was famous once but now hides in her awfully long shadow.

Why is she on the list? Because if you discount the rumour that she has been stealing the youth from young athletes for decades like an age vampire she has done some remarkable things. She is also still very much a Milf!

6: Sarah Ulmer Who is she? McDonalds Employee of the month 2007- today (sales division) Why is she on the list? She’s Cambridge’s favourite non eversswindell athlete. That alone is worth making the list.

5: Beatrice Faumuina / Valerie Villi Who is she? Okay, we know. Two separate people. Both gold medallists who you would not want to fuck with in a bar. But is it that difficult to believe we can clone a Human? Lets start the rumour. Why are they on the list? Because we are writers of a magazine who like comics and sci-fi and they could both kills us.

Feature

4: Peter Snell Who is he? First New Zealander to work out his frustrations by running a mile in under four minutes. This was obviously long before internet blogs, masturbation or cars Why is he on the list? Because writing any jokes about John Walker were really inappropriate.

3: Richard Hadlee Who is he? New Zealand’s best ever cricketer. Now before you get dickish and start saying Cricket is a team sport. Not in New Zealand, not in the 80s. Why is he on the list? With a bad heart he broke world records and kept a pretty epic ‘stache

2: Sir Edmund Hillary Who is he? The guy from the $5 bill. Why is he on the list? HE’S EDMUND FUCKING HILLARY!

1: Maui Who is he? He’s only the world record holding (largest Island shaped fish category) commercial fisherman and freelance sun catcher.

Why is he on the list? Maui epitomises the purity of the New Zealand DIY athlete. You see he isn’t like these modern day athletes with their Nike’s and shoulder pads. He didn’t need the best tools for the job.

Much like Hillary, Haddlee or the other magnificent athletes that grace this list Maui did it his way. Sure I can catch the sun you got some flax you’re not using? You want me to fish up the north Island? I’ll probably need a jaw bone to get that done. Maui is like MacGyver without the mullet. Surely the best of the best. Cue the 80s karate kid theme music montage.

Feature

21

T

o get nostalgic about the cultural of your youth is a very human trait. No matter how indifferent an individual might be to the pop music, television and cinema he or she was exposed to as a child it will remain with them until death or dementia work their cleansing magic.

This fact might be acceptable if you grew up in any decade from 20s through the 60s. Maturing during Hollywood’s so-called “silver age” - basically the early and mid 70s - would also cut the mustard.

However, to be a film buff like myself, doomed to embrace the medium during the low-ebb 80s, it’s unfortunate to the point of tragedy.

I think cinema across the board in the 1980s was weak. The great artists who had dominated in decades prior were either dead or in decline.

This generalisation applies even to those auteurs who had emerged in the 1970s. The careers of Robert Altman, Francis Ford Coppola, Werner Herzog and Rainer Werner Fassbinder, directors who were both prolific and consistent, all faltered.

Moreover, new talent was thin on the ground. It would be difficult to name a significant director who established him or herself during this time.

Populist movies were particularly poor. I’m not talking about the high end achievements of Spielberg or Lucas. The Star Wars sequels are obviously cultural landmarks (Ewoks notwithstanding) and both Raiders of the Lost Ark and ET are masterpieces

22

Opinion

of their type. The manner in which both filmmakers lost their way after 1983 though was more symptomatic of the decade as a whole. Consider some of the absolute crap that topped box office takings: Smokey and the Bandit II, Porky’s, The Cannonball Run, Flashdance, Staying Alive, Police Academy, Footloose, Ghostbusters, Top Gun, The Golden Child, Three Men and a Baby, Twins, Cocktail and Look Who’s Talking.

You could argue of course that every decade is blighted by stupid movies.

As an old adage puts it, “no one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public”. However, what made the 1980s particularly depressing was a corresponding weakness in the films that won awards. While the Oscars are never an accurate gauge of an era’s worth, the fact that some very ordinary movies took out Best Picture does say something. Whether they be flawed, overblown epics like Gandhi, Amadeus, Out of Africa, The Last Emperor or Platoon or slight melodramas whose virtues were exaggerated - Chariots of Fire, Terms of Endearment, Rain Man or Driving Miss Daisy - the Best Picture winners were a modest lot.

Ironically the one outstanding film to win the award least deserved to do so.

Ordinary People, Robert Redford’s powerful family drama, won the 1980 gong over Martin Scorsese’s masterpiece Raging Bull. Scorsese thereafter had an inconsistent ten years, scoring with the brilliant King of Comedy before experimenting

with low and high budgets - After Hours then The Color of Money - and courting controversy with a religious epic of limited appeal, The Last Temptation of Christ.

At the time it seemed like there was but a solitary American filmmaker producing consistently interesting work. Woody Allen made 11 movies in the 1980s. One of them was absolutely awful. In September (1987) - which Allen filmed in its entirety twice, each time with a different cast - the writer/director let his enthusiasm for depressing Russian literature get the better of him. It was the exception, not the rule.

Allen began and ended the 80s on a high note. Stardust Memories (1980) is obviously indebted to Fellini’s 8 1/2, pulling off the homage with integrity and Allen’s unique voice intact. Crimes and Misdemeanours (1989) is the writer/director’s most perfect combination of drama and comedy. In between Allen produced a satirical, mock documentary whose technical innovations rivalled that of Citizen Kane - Zelig (1983) - and enjoyed unprecedented popular success with the ensemble comedy Hannah and Her Sisters (1986). Allen’s best though was the Depression fantasy The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985), as moving a reflection on the redemptive power of the film medium as ever made.

Auteur House stocks all Allen’s films from the period and beyond.

Mr. .rM ytniM Minty hsiF Fish

H

ey, I just met you, And this is crazy, But here’s my number, So call me at 4am on a Friday and then lets pretend we don’t know each other for the rest of the week.

I know all of your dirty little secrets Hamilton. I’m like Gossip Girl, but with zero influence on society. Oh, and also. Fucking ‘hipsters’. I’m mainstream as hell. I’ve been called a hipster. I’ve been called an indie kid, I’ve been called alty; but at the end of a hard day doing fuck all, I’m only going home to crank Justin Bieber remixes because I’m basically just a 12 year old bitch that dresses like a tanned crack clown. rEprE$ent mii b1tchez.xx The catch cry of the ‘hipster’ is classic. It’s a cross between: “Listen to real music.”

“Ugh, so mainstream.”

“I don’t mind what you do, but you’re doing it wrong,” and “I’m the most fucking irritating thing to ever roam.”

This isn’t a mainstream versus hipster rant. Well... ok no; blatant yarns; it is, but it’s more than likely not gunna end how you think it will.

Or it might. I don’t know, I’m not a fucking wizard. Let us first open this, the book of MMF definitions, it will not fail us: Hipster: Someone that likes what they like for no other reason than the fact that they like it. They hold little to no judgement on the likes/ dislikes of others because they don’t really care. They are constantly on the pursuit of new and wonderful

things so that they may share with friends and become temporarily consumed by them. They’re in their own beautiful, sepia faded world.

Will never call themselves a hipster as that word no longer exists in their realm. Mainstreamer: Someone that likes what they like for no other reason than the fact that they like it.

They hold little to no judgement on the likes/dislikes because they don’t really know. They will rarely actively pursue new things and instead enjoy the luxury of having readily consumable experiences and product delivered to them by others. They love what the people around them love. They’re in their own bright, fast paced world. Will never call themselves a mainstreamer because it’s a stupid word.

‘Hipster’: Someone that likes what they like for no other reason than the fact that they will be perceived a certain way for liking it. They hold judgement on the likes/dislikes of others for no other reason than that they believe their tastes to be superior. They are constantly on the active pursuit of new and wonderful things so that they may portray an image of having effortlessly come across them. They take something beautiful and they break it. Will call themselves a hipster; although claim that they are using the term ironically. Cunts.

And now that my intro has taken 419 of my 800 words, let us move on to things that don’t make me want to sell drunk people on Trademe. It’s the last week of semester. This means that the following 4 weeks shall be filled with “Sorry, can’t go out tonight, got an exam for a paper I’ve already passed in 3weeks,” but never fear, I’ve got a list of new shit for you to love and try and love again. Ooooh look at you going back for seconds, you sly dog.v -Sloth videos. Particularly the one where he gets lifted into the air and “I believe I can fly” comes on. Brings a tear, and then you piss yourself.

-Go out on a Friday night. Hook an old man.

-Bang someone really random. Not like a homeless guy down the North end of Vic st, but someone you never thought you’d bang.

- Climb to the top of K Blocks fire exit at night and ‘don’t break the liquor ban.’

- Sell shit that looks like other shit on Trademe. Eg, Soap in the shape of Jesus, A sponge in the shape of toast, a morph suit in the shape of a fat person.

-Apply to Harvard using scented paper and glitter pens. They may never reply, but you may also end up going to Harvard. I’m sorry, but that’s possibly the best idea I’ve ever had.

-Spoon. Spoon everyone and everything. Spoon a spoon if need be.

-Caption this:

Personally I just wrote a poem about it: Leapy frog, leapy frog.

Sometimes you are a sleepy frog.

When-you-are-50-and-still-go-to101-then-you-are-a creepy frog.

Sometimes-when-you-get-too-closeto-playgrounds-your-anklebraceletgoes-beepy frog But for the moment, you are still a leapy frog.

I should definitely write my own wedding vows.

Nbd. Ok my lovers, I will see you after exams.

Don’t fuck up.

Miss you more than the Dodo Bird misses not being extinct.

MMF.x Opinion

23

Face of the week - make me into Tim the Tool Man Taylor

Puzzles Complete the puzzle page, bring it and show us, and you’ll go in the draw to win some sweet free stuff!

Easy

DIY Word Find ALLOWANCE STUDENTLOAN LIBRARY EXAMS TUTORIALS MONEY LECTURES WSU STRESS MIGORENG CONDOMS WCARD NEXUS GRADES STUDYLEAVE

Medium

Hard

Entertainment

24

B

eginning this week Nexus is going to bring back the party review column. I don’t underestimate the crazy-ass capability of Waikato University students to organise one hell of a celebration, so why not invite Nexus and have the debrief of your party published in the next week’s issue?

There is no name for the column as of yet, but it will be creative and original by the time of the first party report.

Throw your best brews, beer pong players, and general ‘drunken and disorderly’ at us, and we’ll see if we pull through the night. Then before the magazine deadline through some miracle we’ll put together a piece on what went down at your residence.

You’ll learn who set the couch on fire, who scored that hot blondie and who didn’t make it to town. If town is not on the agenda for your crew then Nexus would be more than happy to stay and beat you at your best drinking games until the McDonalds’ Loose Change menu starts calling our name. Any incriminating photos of the night will be appropriately included in the piece and epic beerpong/piss-sinking moments will be given a worthwhile tribute. These years at university form the ‘intensepartying’ phase of your life and this column would serve as the archives to the unique Waikato University social scene.

We really don’t mind what kind of event you invite us to, but we are fond of a good host who provides beer pong facilities and some beer.

Nexus would love to bring you some beer for your party but our magazine isn’t sponsored by the government, unlike all of you on the student allowance. You just need to buy us a box of Ranfurly or Double Browns; both quality beer pong playing beers. If you are really stingy and gutless then Nexus will make an appearance with at least one of the aforementioned beers and the fail-safe red Taboos from Thirsty. If

We really don’t mind what kind of event you invite us to, but we are fond of a good host who provides beer pong facilities and some beer. Nexus would love to bring you some beer for your party but our magazine isn’t sponsored by the government, unlike all of you on the student allowance.

you are stingy but you’ve got some balls, then Nexus has a tip for you on scoring a box of free piss.

Go into the supermarket while the place is quite busy and buy a box of piss. When you come out of the store give the receipt to your mate, who will then proceed to grab the same box of piss, take it to the counter of an innocent and unassuming checkout girl (away from the counter where you purchased the first box) and say that he has just bought the wrong type of beers and now wants to swap them for the other ones. Then he grabs the new box, uses the receipt to pay for them suddenly one box has magically turned into two.

These are the sort of tricks that we know you guys have and we want to learn them at your guys’ parties. Let us experience the pre-town rituals, the post-town walking home antics etc. Whatever the occasion, we are up for as bigger night as you want to make it. Just the other week we were

partying in a dungeon-like garage complete with a wakachang wall of empties, in-house beer pong rules, and a newfound respect for the new peeps we just met. Even though we tarnished their beer pong record and the midnight train came and left with the town-ragers, we cordially finished up in a few final games of pong the drinks that were all too hastily abandoned.

Let us know where your next blowout is happening and we’ll be there amongst. Send beer pong rule transcript and location details to sean@nexusmag.co.nz Don’t worry, it won’t be advertised on Facebook, unless you want it to be!

See you on the pissed-side!

Opinion

25

26

Opinion

It’s your future.

B Semester starts 16 July.

To guarantee your place, add your papers online at iWaikato.

For more information about enrolment and entry requirements for B Semester and November summer school, talk to your faculty or school.

There’s no stopping you E kore e taea te aukati i a koe

For more information freephone 0800 WAIKATO or visit www.waikato.ac.nz

T

his is just something I picked up off the streets.

Turns out I am a natural and I don’t even have to try that hard. I guess once you hit your 20s it’s significantly harder to convince people that you’re cool. They’ve already seen too much.

Re: Title; I’ve never read the book.

Not cool enough/Too cool for that. I like that a guy who sucked at his job felt he could write a memoir out of it – this I find comforting. I did see the movie though… Megan Fox, a bimbo?

Odd. So in the spirit of Toby Young and all other failures out there, here’s how to ruin your life in 10 easy steps.

1. Take one too many classes or take on a ridiculously demanding job.

Nothing like overcommitting oneself to draw out your evil frowny-face clone. No-one likes a frowny face. You will not make friends.

2. Get awesome grades. For most people, they cannot stand other people’s success. Draw on that. For the same reason, secure an attractive girlfriend or Ryan Gosling clone.

3. Spend more time working and studying than socializing. Eventually everyone will forget you exist.

28

Opinion

Alternative – buy many a cat and prioritise your time around them.

4. Believe you are smarter than everyone else while making sure they are well aware of it. Some people are just stupid so make sure they know.

Imagine going about life thinking you’re average to clever, when really you have sub-human intelligence levels. It’s kinder this way.

5. Insist your opinion is the correct opinion. Always. This one time in this history class I took, this dickhead guy starts bagging on about feminism and how it’s unfair to men. So just do that. Be ignorant as fuck. Bitches hate it.

6. GOSSIP! All the time. A little harmless gossip won’t do much, but if you harp on about the same person every day for a month, eventually people are going to write you off as a bitter, twisted little man.

7. Consume copious amounts of caffeine. Or if you’re hardcore, narcotics. It’ll weird everybody out and you’ll get a clear 50ft radius about you wherever you go.

8. Sleep with errybody. Especially other people’s significant others. They

hate it when people do that. Since this is Hamilton though, there is the risk that everyone will just consider you a local.

9. Move out of town. Ideal places include, but are not limited to; Ngaruawahia, Pirongia, Huntly, and Morrinsville. Tell people where you live and you might as well keep walking.

10. Write for Nexus. (I’m kidding, but also very serious. People think I’m weird.)

So that’s all I have for this week, I’m so busy I haven’t had time to cry yet. I just got out of a 30% history test and I think I understand how Napoleon felt that day in Waterloo. i.e. Utterly defeated. I spent 45 minutes thinking about how I wanted to throw down my pens (must always have more than one) and scream “This is bullshit!” Thankfully I have enough life experience under my belt that I can control internal meltdowns much better than the Japanese. Enjoy the exam period (yay) and get yo’ study on, fool. See you next semester; don’t miss me too much, hey. Remember – life can always be worse.

By Alix Higby

Before Solomon was displaying before there was an oracle in Delphi, before there were Pope’s and Kings, Before Jeeves was being asked questions there was me. I am the omnipotent all seeing eight ball. Thousands would queue at my court would queue for days on end just to be judged and have their disputes solved. On one memorable day an orphan child of no more than eight years old came to me. “Magnificent Ruler.” He said. “How do we find justice in an unjust world? How do we teach people who have known only hate to love? How do we create a world that knows no hunger, loss or grief?” My court fell silent as the tears began to well up in the young boys eyes. His passion was only matched by his sense of loss. I paused for a moment. “You silly orphan bastard. I only answer yes or no questions. Everyone knows that and you have wasted their time by standing in line. Guards, take him to the pit.”

That was a great day. Now where are the questions?

Aries: R.E.S.P.E.C.T – something that will completely elude you for the 114 th straight week.

8 ball do I have a shot at making the Olympics in 2016? Outlook good. It’s a very real possibility that if you train hard and put in the time you will make it.

But why? The Olympics has lost some of its sheen and become focused on the medals. Sports should be pure and only focused on sneaker commercials, extramarital affairs with teenage girls, drug use and having sex with a Kardashian.

Virgo: The absence of a loved one will cause you to take Nexus too seriously and Do “IT” yourself.

Will I pass all of my exams? No. You will not Hey did I leave my wallet at that guys place last Thursday? We met at Bar 101 he had a blue shirt on. If he finds it can he email me please. Outlook does not look good. The all powerful eight ball does not like his time wasted so that you can re-hook up with your random. In future use Lettuce. However I have seen that he does not have your wallet. Although he did keep your Bra and you said nothing. Where are your priorities?

The sex advice columnist that one time said three in the bed is fine. Will my partner be up for it?

Reply hazy ask again. You have not provided enough information. If your partner is a guy the answer is certain if your partner is a girl then who knows. I am an omnipotent eight ball and even I don’t know how to ask that question or how she will react.

Email your questions through to 8ball@nexusmag.co.nz

Taurus: Dress up as your favourite 90s cartoon.

Inspired, your friends will follow your lead.

Gemini: I know you said you love reading these horrorscopes every week so I thought this was the best place to ask you. Will you marry me?

Cancer: You will find yourself pondering the age old question “Does Hamilton need its own masked vigilante crime fighter” Stars say yes.

Leo: This week be aware that being the Lion sign doesn’t mean everyone who invites you into a wardrobe wants to take you to Narnia. Some people actually just want wardrobe sex

Libra: The stars have decided you should get ready for re-O week 2012 it’s going to be wicked awesome.

Scorpio: Sometimes when life gives you lemons you have to say fuck the lemons and go have a vodka instead.

Sagittarius: Doubt yourself, your instincts are wrong. Really, really wrong.

Capricorn: Venus has aligned with Mercury now. She’s such a slut.

Aquarius: You are feeling the absence of a close friend but then you got told Nexus will publish some feature articles and columns online. Now you’re all like “absence over bitch.”

Pisces: While everyone else is panicking and studying for exams this week you should just chill out. After all apart from crushing failure, dropping out, alcoholism, the breakdown of your relationships and living alone as a poor sickness benefit recipient for the rest of your life while you surround yourself with cats, what’s the worst could happen?

LICK THAT SPOON with Hoory Yeldizian

Exam time is rearing its head around the corner yet again and we’re all wondering where the time keeps escaping to. With stacks of books to read and endless slideshows to catch up on, one needs a quick dinner option set out for them. McDonalds would be the fastest of dinners but do you really want to feel that Big Mac sitting heavy in your stomach? A hearty healthy meal is always the answer to fill that tummy with goodness and keep that brain surging with energy to concentrate on your studies. These meatballs are easy and take no time to stir together and grill off. Serve with your favourite sliced vegetables and a warm tortilla. The kicker part in this quick recipe is the avocado yoghurt sauce. Using yoghurt is much healthier than using sour cream and it lifts the whole dish into a world of taste bud heaven. You’ll have this meal done with no unnecessary time wasted from your much valuable study time. And you’ll feel better than eating any old fast food meal. Happy licking and good luck with your studies!

Chicken Meatballs Tacos with Avocado Yogurt Meatballs Ingredients 500g chicken mince 2 cloves garlic, minced 2 stalks spring onion, sliced thinly 1/2 cup parsley, finely chopped 2 tbsp ketchup 1 tbsp lemon juice 2 tbsp corn flour 2 tbsp olive oil 3 tsp salt 1 tsp pepper

Avocado Yogurt

Ingredients 1/2 cup plain yoghurt 1 avocado, halved and pit removed along with the avocado discarding the skin.

1 clove garlic, minced 1 tbsp lemon juice 1/4 cup parsley chopped 1 tsp pepper 1 tsp cumin powder 2 tsp salt Serve with sliced cucumbers, sliced cabbage and a wedge of lemon or lime on a tortilla. But feel free to use any sliced vegetables of your choice.

Method 1. Add all the ingredients to the chicken mince and mix thoroughly. Let the mixture sit in the fridge with plastic wrap over the bowl for at least 15minutes before shaping the meatballs.

2. Shape medium-small size meatballs from the chicken mixture.

3. Heat 1 tbsp olive oil in a large skillet and grill the meatballs on a medium heat. Once they start to get brown on the surface cover the skillet and let them cook for 4-5 minutes to make sure they are cooked all the way inside. Make sure the skillet is large enough to get them brown easily or do in batches.

4. Remove the lid and place the heat on high to dry out any moisture from the meatballs. Take them out on paper towel to remove any excess oil, Serve warm.

Method 1. Place the avocado in a bowl and roughly mash.

2. Add salt and lemon juice and mix well.

3. In a separate bowl, beat the yoghurt and all the other ingredients except the avocado mix and blend well.

4. Now add the avocado mixture, blend. Serve on top of a tortilla on a bed of the chicken meatballs, sliced cucumbers, cabbage and a splash of lemon or lime juice.

Visit me on facebook and let me know how your lick that spoon experience was www.facebook.com/hoory.yeldizian

The Convent of Pleasure

T

‘he Convent of Pleasure’ is an interesting title in itself; to the more gutter minded among us it may invoke images of the carnal activities of those within a religious community.

In actual fact it is a rarely performed 17th Century play written by Margaret Cavendish about a young, rich and attractive woman who believes that heterosexual love and marriage is nothing more than a trap and so she vows a single life after the death of her father. She subverts the dominant order and sets up her own self-sufficient, all female utopia.

What results is a play that questions gender roles; a convent solely for women is a radical notion – even for today’s society - and it explores what happens when the ladies are left to their own devices. It is a battle of the sexes that challenges the status quo with some cross dressing and a maypole dance thrown in for good measure. While the play was once considered a closet play; a play for reading not performing, it turns out this is not the case at all.

The creator of this utopia is the headstrong Lady Happy, a young woman looking for direction after the death of her father. She believes men are the only troublers of women and so shuts them out of her newly formed paradise. Shaye Petterson – who shares the role of Lady Happy with Amy Pethybridge – believes that her character is strong and way ahead of her time: “she doesn’t want to conform to what people thought women should be; that they were only good for being wives and popping out babies - she wanted more than that.” This empowered female perspective is mirrored in Sad’e Peel’s opinion of her character

of the Princess that comes from a far away land to join the convent – a role she shares with Ishtar Bell Hunter she believes her character is a strong woman going against the norms of society “she is trying to find her own place and doesn’t want to be dictated by society. “ However Ishtar sees it a bit differently; “The princess is a devious and manipulative character who knows how to deceive others in order to get what she wants, there is more to her than meets the eye.” Lady Happy’s almost constant companion is Madam Mediator who agrees that the Princess is not to be trusted, Julianne Boyle – who shares the character with Katey Good – likes her character a lot; “she is very bossy and opinionated, at the beginning she is fairly scandalised by the convent but Lady Happy slowly wins her around.”

The Gentlemen of the time are “none too happy about the women locking themselves away” says Sarah Teng who plays one of the gentlemen Monsieur Courtly. “It’s almost like the end of the world for Courtly and the men, the first time you see him, he’s running onto the stage wailing melodramatically.” Sarah thought that while it is hilarious to watch their hopeless floundering about trying to get into the convent, it illustrates the subconscious reliance of men on women in the 17th century; “men reigned dominant in society at the

time and ruled the women like possessions, but the men in the play become lost and run around like headless chickens when the women incloister themselves.” Of all the Gentlemen of the play Monsieur Adviser – played by Luke Johnson – seems to be the most level headed.

“I think he is the sense of the gentlemen in the play” says Luke “he’s very straight up and advises based on the facts. He’s sensible, but has little hope and isn’t very optimistic.” Although even he can’t keep his feelings hidden when the ladies incloister themselves “He’s pretty enraged. I think he’s a man of times with very traditional or even primitive ideals.” One of the more conceited men of the play is Monsieur Take-Pleasure, and as you can probably guess from his name he is totally full of himself, “he is a complete asshole” says Evan Davis who plays him “I think he is lonely always wants the opinions of others because he is very insecure about himself.” The Convent of Pleasure is a Theatre Studies production directed by Gaye Poole.

It runs from the 6 th- 9th June at 7:30pm at the Playhouse in the Gallagher Performing Arts Centre - Tickets $10 – door sales and cash only - Bookings 07 838 4922 or email hwright@waikato.ac.nz.

By Mel Matthews

32

Reviews

Reviews

33

34

Reviews

Reviews

35

T

I

he semester is coming to an end and students are thinking about taking up some work to make some extra money over the break, or looking for a full-time position.

If this includes you then it’s probably a good time to start looking for jobs now, but before you do here are some tips to get you started: 1.

Make an appointment at the University of Waikato Careers Office- If your CV, cover letter, and interviewing skills aren’t to flash then make an appointment with the awesome ladies down in the Students Services Building (by the Chapel and Student Health), they will be able to point you in the right direction to make sure your CV, cover letter, and interviewing skills are up to scratch.

2.

Make a profile on Student Job Search (SJS.co.nz)- the website is easy-to-use and lists a wide range of job categories to suit a variety of degrees that students are studying at Waikato or alternatively call them on (0800) 757 562.

3.

Once you get offered a position check the contract- as stated on the Young Workers Resource Centre’s website (http://ywrc.org. nz) when it comes to negotiating an employment agreement, don’t just sign it..negotiate. And make sure the following are included: - Your name - The employer’s name - Your place of work - Your hours of work - Your agreed pay rate - A job description - The problem resolution guidelines and services - How to calculate public holidays (if on a roster) - Whether you are a casual, part-time or full-time worker - How you will be notified of

s she being underpaid?

Caroline is 19 and has been working for 6 months at a takeaway bar. She is being paid $11.25 per hour but her friend who has just started at another place and does the same job gets $13.50 per hour. roster changes - Overtime conditions Here are some examples of conditions you might like to negotiate into your agreement: - Additional paid leave (e.g. your birthday) - Staff discounts - The opportunity to renegotiate your agreement after 6 months - Subsidised or free meals (mostly relevant in hotels or restaurants) - Training or work-related education - Clothing allowances - Restructuring and redundancy terms - Transport allowances. Or alternatively contact Kylie from YWRC on 07 834 7124 or on Facebook for more information.

If you have questions about employment or require support for anything else that may affect your study then contact Amber the Student Advocate at the Waikato Students’ Union on 07 856 9139 or email advocacy@wsu.org.nz

The Citizen’s Advice Bureau Hamilton provides advice and information from four locations.

They are at 55 Victoria St (Mon-Fri 8.45am-5pm), 70 Kent St Frankton (Mon-Fri 9am-4.30pm), Garden Place (Mon-Fri 11am-2pm) and the Cowshed at the University (Thurs 11-1pm).† They also have legal and consumer services available where you can get more specialized help.

Book an appointment at WSU. Phone the CAB on 0800 367 222 (0800 FOR CAB) or look at the CAB website www.cab.org.nz The minimum wage for employees aged 16 years and over rose to $13.50 an hour, before tax, from 1 April 2012. By law, employers must pay at least the minimum wage - even if an employee is paid by commission or by piece rate. Minimum wages apply to all workers, including home workers, casuals, temporary and part-time workers even if they have not been included in employment agreements.

The only exception is when an employee holds an exemption permit.

Holiday pay must be paid in addition to the minimum wage. If an employee receives ‘pay-as-you-go’ holiday pay, this payment must be a separate and identifiable part of their pay. † An employee being paid less than the minimum wage should firstly talk to their employer. If this doesn’t resolve the problem they can ring the Employment Relations infoline on 0800 20 90 20 during business hours to get information on what to do.

Employees can also get help from a mediator www.ers.govt.nz www.dol.govt.nz

20% off store-wide

hire one, get one free

register your party with Tops n Tales & 10 $45 check up including 2 xrays and $50 or more of your guests voucher to use with hire full costumes with treatment of $150 us, your costume or more is FREE

20% off all mains!

(Hillcrest only) Southern Gold 24pk $24 Tui 15pk $19.99 Steinlager Edge 24pk $21.99 (Save $18)

(Rototuna Only) Join the Student VIP club Produce W-card and say for $5 by presenting your W Card in Cinema to get code 06145 receive: single $10 movies for a year, and traditional or Value Pizza, chips, 1.5lt coke,garlic a free ticket on joining! – bread for $16.90 or Code conditions apply 47721 for a $6.90 pizza

people should also not be allowed to get married?).

I

kissed a girl. And I liked it. Hope my Government don’t mind it. Oh, wait.

They do mind.

It’s pretty ironic really- a Government whose political ideology revolves around the notion of individual free choice won’t let some of those individuals freely choose who they can get married to. Why? I have absolutely no idea. John Key says New Zealand can’t have marriage equality because of the “difficult economic times”. Whut? Love is not an economic issue. Love should not be a political debate. It is a beautiful thing to be celebrated and cherished; not denied to some people because of the chromosomes of the person they are in love with.

Perhaps I will just have to remain perplexed as to why we need economic growth to obtain equal rights. Word is, our MP’s need all the “precious time in parliament” they can get to resolve our less-thenwonderful economic situation.

Presumably this means we will see an end to the time wasting tactics and childish bickering because, now, for the first time, there are pressing matters at hand. Removing the ability to discriminate based on sexuality is not a priority for the Government. As with many situations of injustice and inequality, it is just political will power that is needed to create change. But a storm has been gathering in New Zealand since the announcement from Obama that he is in support of marriage equality.

John Key has not exactly come out in support of equal rights to marry, but he said he couldn’t stop a private members Bill and would support it in its first reading. A private members’ bill is kind of like legislative lucky

dip for individual politicians, and the first reading just means that MP’s vote to decide if they even want to discuss it or not. Apparently the reason New Zealand has yet to pass a Bill in support of marriage equality is that there has been no such Bill put forward. John thinks this means that there is no ‘clamour’ for marriage equality.

New Zealand has always been a country that has stood up for what is right and challenged the status quo.

We gave women the right to vote, we declared ourselves nuclear free, and we almost had a civil war about equality over a rugby game. Now we need to give equal rights for marriage to everyone and stop discriminating on the basis of sexuality.

There is no justification for not letting people be together who want to be together. As has been said before, if you don’t like gay marriage- don’t get one. The humor and absurdity of the ‘Top Reasons to Ban Gay Marriage’ is enough to illustrate how little substance there is to any argument against equal rights to marry. It mostly includes homophobia, naturalistic fallacies (that what is natural is right; being gay is somehow ‘unnatural’ and therefore wrong. But other ‘unnatural’ things, like repairing human hearts with parts of pig hearts or genetic engineering, are all good), concern about ‘gay’ being contagious (obviously not something anyone would want to catch as it means you are automatically less valued or worthwhile as a person than if you were straight), that is it an attack on the sanctity of marriage (but divorce is sweet) or that only heterosexual marriage is valid because they can have children (so infertile and elderly

Jesus seems like a pretty good dude. Christianity teaches about unconditional love, acceptance, equality and social justice.

Unfortunately, the Bible has been used (and still is in some cases) as a mechanism of oppression, but it doesn’t have to be. Personal religious beliefs do not give anyone the right to decide how other people live their life. No God has moral authority in the laws of a secular state. Marriage equality isn’t just a ‘gay’ issue; it is a human rights issue. It would be intolerable for the Jim Crow laws to still exist. It would be intolerable for the separatist regime of the apartheid to be allowed to continue making people inferior based on their skin colour. It would be intolerable for interracial marriage to be illegal today. Just as it is intolerable that we permit sexuality to determine someone’s right to marry the person they love.

“Six inches of barbed wire shoved up a gay man’s arse is a waste of good barbed wire”- John Banks is the guy who uttered these vile, hate-filled words. Yet the ideology of the Party he represents supports marriage equality. Would you trust the one man caucus of John Banks to make the right decision? What about other MP’s?

I was surprised to see that marriageequality.co.nz have listed both Hamilton East MP David Bennett and Hamilton West MP Tim Macindoe as likely to vote against marriage equality. This equates to a vote in favor of discrimination and homophobia. I hope it’s not true. I hope they would vote for equality.

The best way to find out is to ask- so I am looking forward to hearing David Bennett’s views on the subject when he comes to talk about student issues at a Q and A this Wednesday on the village green. Change won’t happen without you.

Legalize love!