Nexus 2017 Issue 12

BUDGET, BUDGET, BUDGET — Page 04 Jizzing in a cup with David Seymour — Page 22 Boat Race Day with Yam and Troy — Page 34

N.12 / V.49

01 03 04 10 13 14 16 17 20 22

25 28 30 37 39 40

Editorial

Student Experience

Uni News

FOMO

News

Sports

Entertainment

Reviews

Random Audit

Feature

Centrefold: Ankita Singh

Full Exposure: David Seymour

Columns

Snapped

Blind Date

Puzzles

CO-EDITORS

CONTRIBUTORS

Bronwyn Laundry

Ankita Singh

Lyam Buchanan

Alexander Nebesky

editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Tom Collopy Cameron McRobie

DESIGN

Onyx Lily

Vincent Owen

Aunty Kumara

design@nexusmag.co.nz

Amanda van der Klompf

DEPUTY EDITOR

Julie Charlton

Jennie-Louise Kendrick

Richard Swainson

jen@nexusmag.co.nz

Troy Anderson

MANAGING EDITOR

Sosefina Matilda Tukutau

James Raffan

Leo Piuza

Jean Balchin

Emily Reid

james@nexusmag.co.nz

DESIGN INTERNS Liam Coffey Rowan Porter

Editorial — Pānui Ētita

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Another Whinge about a Student Bar The magazine is full of politics this week, we used all of the news section to cover the 2017 Budget, Onyx Lily talked about John Oliver and our propensity for jokeworthy politicians, we interviewed David Seymour, and in our regular fixture Puppet Master Politics, Lyam talked to Jamie Strange, ex-Christian rockstar, (no shit, YouTube ‘Jamie Strange Rockstar Clone’). Our point is, this week is the week of pushing agendas, trying to get you to care about politics and trying to discern how this shit affects us as students.

So let’s talk about Student Spaces.

Yes, I know we were yarning about this only two weeks ago but it deserves more attention. The more we plaster this through the magazine the more likely the big dogs of the university are to notice us, this then resulting in said big dogs realising how much of a great idea this actually is.

Let’s take a quick look at the three best options.

Fuck the banks: Just chuck them somewhere around the library for now. None of us actually have any money to manage, we just need easy late night access to ATMs. The space they’re currently using would work bloody beautifully as a big ol’ bar. Why have a group meeting at the library when you could pop down and grab a $4 handle.

This positioning would also ensure you’re always within a quick walk/mild sprint to the nearest bush or a lake to have a cheeky tac yak.

Cowshed: Who doesn’t love asbestos? It’s about time someone flattened the whole thing. It’s all well and good having history and heritage preserved on campus, but wouldn’t it be cooler to have $10 jugs and a smokers area?

Currently there’s a bunch of lovely clubs and services residing there but I’m sure they could find somewhere a little less detrimental to their health. Vomiting here would also be easy breezy, just stumble over to the nearest wall of the gym and give their exterior a much needed paint job.

The Dons: I think it’s fair to say the Dons was fairly loose in O’Week. Tuesday not so much, but Monday and Wednesday were on fine form. If only it wasn’t so far away from literally everything, except College Hall. I definitely love a brew but you can get fucked if you think I’m gonna walk in the rain from S Block all the way over there just to crack a cold one with my pals. What we’d need is a shuttle service, get a couple of those golf carts the groundsmen roll around in and chuck a trailer on the back. After class you could flick them a text, pile in and go be responsible young adults after a long day of being academic.

Sometimes doing your bit for the environment can be as simple as forgoing straws in your drinks so they don’t end up in a turtle’s nose. ♦

- Lyam & Bron 01

Uni News — Pitopito Korero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

News from the University Calling all filmmakers!

UniLife is a national film festival which aims to showcase the vast and varied stories of universities and their students. Whether you are studying film making, law, science, teaching, health or psychology, we encourage you to dig deep and tell the stories that matter to you.

To be in to win the $500 prize, check out the submission criteria on their website creativa. com.au/uni-life-film-festival.

Double your protein with Pita Pit Waikato Uni UniRec members can double their protein for any Pita or Salad or add a free protein shot to any Smoothie for FREE with Pita Pit Waikato Uni. Just show your UniRec membership to redeem.

Terms and conditions apply.

Time to update your CV? Career Development Services runs weekly dropins and workshops. There are various workshop topics on offer including CV and cover letter writing, LinkedIn, and interview preparation. For schedules and to register, visit waikato.ac.nz/ students/careers

Looking to volunteer in B Semester?

The Faculty of Education is looking for volunteers to provide software support to students. If you are a computer whizz and keen to support others, check out the role in MyCareer or get involved in EPP and enhance your employability.

Postgraduate Info Sessions Come along to our Postgraduate Info Sessions for your chance to discuss your study options and to give your degree the edge. →→ Thursday 8 June - Faculty of Education Postgraduate Study →→ Thursday 15 June - Faculty of Computing and mathematical Sciences Postgraduate Study (creating awareness for Master of Information Technology, Master of Cyber Security and Digital Business) Visit www.waikato.ac.nz/go/info for more details and to register your interest.

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NEXUS MAGAZINE

News — Pitopito Korero

The National Budget Jennie-Louise Kendrick, Alexander Nebesky, Lyam Buchanan, Bronwyn Laundry There is an old saying that the only way you can win Three Card Monte is to get someone to play... What they mean by that is that the deck is always rigged by the house. It’s a game where you move three cards around a table and the sucker attempts to find the queen and they will move the whole thing on you when you aren’t looking.

Which brings us to Budget 2017: The Three Card Monte of electioneering.

For two years now, our government has cut entitlements, including student allowance eligibility, raised prices on cigarettes and made it harder for people, especially students to get by. This year, they take all that money and that artificial surplus and move it around so that it looks like they are spending but really they are just giving it out to the ones who will turn out to vote for them or the ones who are undecided.

How can we sort the truth from the bullshit?

The Best Fucking Student News Team Ever!

In the likely words of style icon and absolute dreamboat Patrick Gower today “This is the fucking budget!”

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← STEVEN JOYCE

News — Pitopito Korero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Understanding the Budget The budget is the outline of what the current government intends to spend in the coming fiscal years. A lot of big numbers came out of this one but they were largely stretched over multiple years. Here are a few key words and phrases you need to know: Surplus: What’s left after requirements are met Deficit: Excess of expenditure Winston: Leader of NZ first, ballsy old dude Steven Joyce: Fairly bald National party fellow Infrastructure: Basic requirements for a functioning society Tax Brackets: Range of incomes taxed at given rates

The Budget and You As it stands, only 33% of students are eligible for a Student Allowance. The Budget made an attempt to address housing issues among students by raising the Accommodation Benefit in Wellington, Christchurch and Auckland from $40 to $60, and Dunedin from $40 to $51, however this is only for recipients of the Student Allowance, and the Budget did not make any changes to the Accommodation Benefit for Hamilton students. In total, three quarters of students see no change to their living situation.

NZUSA raised concerns about student poverty and the Government responded by saying that student support is about right. While they have since accepted they were wrong on this front, the 2017 Budget has minimal attempt to improve the situation.

NZUSA National President, Jonathan Gee, spoke about universities and ITPs funding, stating that “We are still working our way through the details but on the face of it, but it seems that universities and polytechnics will be getting less money in the future while private training establishments experience a significant increase in funding,” highlighting concerns surrounding public money going towards private sectors.

Prior to the release of the Budget, NZUSA released a ‘wishlist’ of recommendations, of this list, very few of the recommendations were even considered. “Our Budget wishlist proposed necessary changes to improve access to tertiary education such as a national First in Family Scholarship, restoring postgraduate allowances and ending age discrimination in allowance and loan access. In its Budget the Government is wilfully ignorant in failing to address the needs of those locked out of tertiary education,” Gee said.

Too long, didn’t read? The 2017 Budget did a sweet load of bugger all to improve the lives of Hamilton students.

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NEXUS MAGAZINE

News — Pitopito Korero

Leader Reactions

“This National Government has suddenly discovered that wages are too low...too many people are squeezed into our big cities, schools are overcrowded... congestion is choking our cities.

And they have done nothing about it.” — Andrew Little “The boost to Working for Families is the perfect example of how National is abandoning its roots,” and increases are “communism by stealth... and Steve (Steven Joyce) is wearing the hammer and sickle on his sleeve.”

National is using Working for Families “to buy votes with other people’s money.”

“Paying people more money to have kids was never good policy.

Now it’s even worse, with stronger incentives for people to keep having children even when they’re not in a strong financial position. It’s an insult to the majority of parents who wait and save before having children. And, if God-forbid, you’re childless, the Budget snubs you.” — David Seymour

“How can you trust a National government to deliver on that promise when they’re simply using the language of social investment’’. He says they’re not building a fence at the top of the cliff, “they’re leaving a tangle of barbed wire and hoping nobody trips over it. National may be out of touch but they’re very in tune with their polling data.” — James Shaw “There are some real goodies in this budget” and Steven Joyce did a “Good job.” — Te Ururoa Flavell

“Nats will take $100m from families by cutting access to Temporary Additional Support - that money is for those struggling the most.” — Metiria Turei

“A wilful, wanton, weak, wobbly, woeful minister with a wilful, wanton, weak, wobbly, woeful Budget.”

“Any fool can magic a surplus by not spending on critically essential items of public need.”

“National’s backbench MPs are reading the Budget again to try and make heads or tails of it. Actually, it’s the world’s longest suicide note.” — Winston Peters 06

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News — Pitopito Korero

The Good Budget $1.2 Billion for new police recruitment and resources An increase of 10% in police forces over the next four years to ensure either young poor people are taken off the streets, or to ensure those darn hoodlums don’t keep messin’ up your front lawn. Depending on where you stand.

$763 Million for Prisons: Pocket money to pay SERCO for locking up poor people, though this could possibly be better invested in advertising their pay-per-view prison fight clubs.

$20 for Students: To help combat student housing prices, we get a

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Vox Pops 1. Did you know that it’s budget day?

2. What priorities would you like to see the government focus on?

3. What could the government have done to improve you life in this budget?

Archie 1. No 2. Getting rid of my loan 3. Making education free and increasing student allowance

whole $20 extra on emergency housing allowance. It’s not much .

$2.2 Billion

for Houses in Auckland: Housing New Zealand will invest not enough money into not enough areas in order to alleviate not enough of the housing crisis.

$185 Million for Social Housing: A handful of dollars being thrown at emergency housing, providing New Zealand with a housing crisis ambulance at the bottom of the hill.

$3.9 Billion for Health: Funding for District Health Boards, Disability Support, and among other things, ambulances. This time literally at the bottom of the hill. Which is where ambulances should be. We aren’t throwing shade at ambulances.

Tax Threshold Moves: Those earning up to $22,000 a year will fit into the lowest tax bracket, moving this threshold up from $14,000. The $48,000 tax bracket moves up to $52,000, so they save $20 a week. Hooray.

Jamie Strange Strange was surprised that National didn’t mention students at all, apart from propping up our emergency housing allowance, and told compared this to Labour’s proposal of 3 years of free tertiary education. He said that “student allowances have been frozen for years” and that more should be done to help students survive racking up colossal student loans, although Labour has no policy as of yet.

Sam Taylor The budget reflects Nationals failure to engage with the most pressing issues for New Zealander. The only benefit to students is for those in work who will be approximately $26 better off a week; there is nothing to address the housing crisis or affordability of rentals, nothing to address climate change, biodiversity loss or income inequality. This budget gives a bigger tax break to the wealthy than to the poor. If the budget is a reflection of Nationals priorities, they do not align with New Zealanders values.

David Bennett “Today’s budget delivered for New Zealanders and the people of Waikato,” Hamilton East MP David Bennett says. “It pours money into health, education, and infrastructure spending – both tangible and intangible.”

“We have 200,000 more jobs than three years ago, and the average wage is expected to rise to $64,300 by 2021 – an increase of $17,000 since National came into office.” Bennet made no comment on students.

Chrysella 1. No 2. Poverty, free tuition and fixing the housing crisis 3. Free food Dylan 1. Yes, been watching it live on facebook 2. Students, education and schooling is a good start.

Roads as well because they’re a mess. I’d also like to so more money in tourism, for example building a nice rugby stadium up in Auckland.

3. Subsidy on student loans and adjusting the regulations for student allowance.

Jonty 1. Nope 2. Housing and education, tourism is also a good one.

3. Lower rent, it’s insane.

Alice & Emily 1. No 2. Poverty and housing 3. Cheaper transport, maybe even free for students.

Alex 1. Yes 2. Potholes 3. More student allowance

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News — Pitopito Korero

TL;LR Too Long; Lyam Read “Not ideal, but a threesome's still a threesome.”

— Fancy a round with Jordie Barrett? Taranaki school auctions off a rugby player to fund new outdoor area.

“Nexus Eight Ball found guilty of questionable political agenda.”

— Behold. Donald Trump and the mysterious glowing orb, the creation of an "army of Moderate Muslims to fight terror."

“Oi nah trust, she’ll honest be keen if you have a mullet.”

— Hairdresser councillor let confidential information slip as he snipped.

“Local elderly folk slightly less distressed than previously.”

— One treasured walking stick reunited with owner but another is still missing.

“Poseidon provides reward for exceptional manu.”

— Sea gives back, A Niwa scientist has been reunited with his waterproof case after it spent a month at sea.

“Vegans rejoice.”

— Wurst day ever: Man chokes on sausage, crashes car. Sausages claimed as dangerous as cellphones in the hands of the wrong motorists.

News in Numbers 21k

19.4

73

27%

$100,000

11,000

awarded after muesli bar mishap resulted in a security guard being fired.

Snapchat stories each night will contain people you don’t really know complaining about the temperature. spent on strippers and escorts over 4 months by Australian tax fraudster.

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meter wave was in the ocean south of New Zealand.

recorded increase in public use of dressing gowns throughout Hamilton East.

tampons or pads are used in the lifetime of the average woman.

EIGHT BALL

NEXUS MAGAZINE

News — Pitopito Korero

Everyone needs a little pick me up at this time of year so just this once I’ll pretend I’m capable of legitimate empathy. Don’t grow accustomed to this mercy. I understand you’ve got a lot on your plate at the moment and I want to ensure you’re still around for another semester. Your pathetic excuse for a consciousness gives me purpose. Savor this moment, this is the last glimpse of compassion you’ll receive from me.

How fucked am I? Concentrate and ask again — Take some time to yourself, lay low and re-evaluate. Technically you were the one who sold them the cap and technically they did have a minor stroke, however at least the debilitating memory loss they’re left with will keep you in the clear.

NEXUS MAGAZINE

TOP 10

Last week the New Zealand Sevens were officially moved to Hamilton prompting Waikato Times writer Lorna Thornber to hastily write a few reasons “Why Hamilton is better than Wellington.” In her article, she cited bike tracks, the Hamilton Gardens, the actual location and climate, the Waitomo Caves - which aren’t in Hamilton, the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the fact that Hamilton really likes Rugby. We thought we would help her out…

10. On average, our police are 33% less racist.

Will my flatmate ever do their dishes?

Don't count on it — Everyone makes mistakes. I’m sure there have been points where you’ve forgotten to do your dishes and your flatties have picked up the slack, take one for the team and let this one slide. Doing someone else's dishes won't kill you.

9. It’s easier to tell who’s actually homeless because people don’t intentionally dress homeless here.

Will my cat ever come home?

Outlook good — Why wouldn’t it? If I was a cat you’d be my first choice when it came to being removed from the care and companionship of my biological mother for reasons unbeknown to my naive feline self.

7. We only have three and a half hills and a collection of light breezes.

Am I ever going to be able to get it up again?

Outlook good — Surprisingly you’ll find that there’s a direct correlation between the amount of risqué porn you watch and your ability to sustain an erection. I’m not here to kink shame, I’m just saying maybe it’s time to cut back a lil. Next time you’re struggling to perform just do something vanilla like thinking about your mate’s girlfriend.

Is my car about to break down?

My reply is no — Yay! It may not break down but don’t forget that this doesn’t cover the chance of another car abruptly breaking down while they’re travelling at excessive speeds and veering from their side of the road directly into your path. ♦

8. The IRD is in Wellington, and taxation is theft.

6. As a Waikato student, your living costs loan will cover both rent and avocado on toast.

5. We’re slightly less likely to be demolished by an impromptu tsunami.

4. Flying to Wellington is terrifying, flying to Hamilton is just underwhelming.

3. People in Hamilton don’t think you’re amish-chic if you have a neckbeard.

2. We don’t have an annoying splashy bucket sculpture like that Cuba Street abomination.

1. Both cities discovered irony at the same time, Hamilton just chose not to build its entire youth culture around it. ♦

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NEXUS MAGAZINE

Sports — Hākinakina

The Skinny Goat Tom Collopy The 2017 Oi Rio Pro was taken out by Adriano De Souza after a consistent showing of fantastic surfing, leading to him not dropping a heat on his way to the title. The bigger story coming out of the event though was fellow Brazilian, Yago Dora, whom as a wildcard, made the semifinals in his first Championship Tour Event. Along the way he produced some magnificent surfing in front of his home crowd as his list of scalps became longer and longer.

The Skinny Goat gained a wildcard entry to the Oi Rio Pro after winning the trials event and I don’t think anyone could have predicted what he would go on to do. As a wildcard he really had nothing to lose but everything to gain. You get the toughest draw, coming up against the World’s best surfers so even one heat win is massive for a young surfer’s career. He surfed with flare and if in doubt went to his staple move of the competition, an air reverse, which he seemed to be landing effortlessly in abundance.

There were signs from early on that the kid was here to compete after landing a crazy backside air reverse but falling just short of winning his First Round Heat against World Number 1 and reigning World Champion John John Florence and fellow countryman Miguel Pupo. He would take out World Number 4 Kolohe Andino in the Second Round, this time with a front side air reverse that would be the defining wave in the heat. He would then get a shot at getting revenge on John John in round 3 and boy did he take it. He landed another crazy air reverse and put up a solid second wave taking the World Number 1 to the 10

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cleaners. In round four he would come up against two Australians and former World Champions Mick Fanning and Joel Parkinson. He would surf a solid heat but come up a little short meaning he would have to surf in round five against another former World Champion and fellow Brazilian, Gabriel Medina. This was possibly Yago’s most impressive performance, he was leading the heat with 20 seconds to go and Gabriel needing a wave score of 7.1. Gabriel caught a wave and landed a huge air that would have won the heat but as the clock ran down Yago caught one last wave and landed a frontside air reverse which ended up sealing him the victory. In the Quarter-Finals he would get his revenge on Mick Fanning but then fall short in the Semi-Finals against eventual winner Adriano De Souza.

The Skinny Goat definitely announced himself to the surfing world as a young surfer to keep an eye on. He currently sits 3rd in the Qualifying Series rankings after an event win in February and will hopefully continue on for the rest of the year to earn his spot on the Championship Tour next year. What impressed me about the 21 year old was his composure, throughout the competition he continued to come up with clutch waves under an enormous amount of pressure so I have no doubt that we will see him on the Championship Tour full time next year. ♦

↑ YA G O D O R A

Sports — Hākinakina

NEXUS MAGAZINE

I Want to Ride My Bicycle Cameron McRobie

↑ LANCE ARMSTRONG

Most people have ridden a bike at some point in their life. Whether you’re grinding away on a piece of shit as your uni transport because you’re like me and refuse to shell out beer money for parking, or you take yourself a little more seriously and get off to the feel of skin tight lycra and having a rigid seat wedged in for two or so hours, cycling is accelerating in popularity as a sport and lifestyle that everyone should get behind!

Cycling is the most efficient mode of transport full stop, an average weight person will use the energy roughly equivalent to having consumed one egg to travel five kilometres, opposed to three eggs for walking that same distance or 93 eggs for driving an efficient car the same (yes, I’m aware cars aren’t fuelled by eggs). Not only are bikes the most energy efficient mode of transport but they are also relatively quick, won’t require taking up a casual contract at Hush Hush to run, and are mint for getting a tight ass and sweet calves.

In the sport world, cycling has as many sub disciplines as there are engineering students who decide to change degrees before third year (lots).

From track sprints to road races and time trials – these more purist riders are the nutters who’re on bikes that weigh nothing and have tyres less than an inch wide. Alternative bike styles are seen in mountain biking (cross country, downhill, freestyle etc.), BMX and Cyclocross – which is essentially a combination of road and mountain biking that is strictly for masochistic fuckers.

The biggest household name in cycling history is undoubtedly Lance Armstrong. We all felt

gutted for him when he lost half the contents of his scrotum and were subsequently gladdened by his seven consecutive Tour de France wins – karma can be good right? However great a cyclist and influential person he was – his reputation was more stained than those sheets you’ve been sleeping in for the past month when his elaborate doping scheme was leaked. In 2013, ol’ Armstrong had all his major titles and winnings stripped, dating back to 1998 due to his confessed use of performance enhancing drugs. Turns out karma is still a bitch and drugs are bad, who knew?

The recent Tour of California saw George Bennett, a Kiwi lad – born and bred in Nelson, make history as the first New Zealander to ever win the general classification of a major UCI World Tour. After turning professional in 2012, George is well on his way to become one of the cycling greats. With the Tour de France only a month away, fingers crossed he and his LottoNLJumbo team can snake a few tasty results that’ll put New Zealand in the cycling spotlight and will help grow the sport here.

Despite its often pretentious reputation, cycling is a fantastic sport that doesn’t really meet the criteria for any of the classic stereotypes. No Max Key, real men (and women) DO in fact ride bikes you fuck. As a breezy alternative to leg day – I can highly recommend a leisurely spin to relieve your upcoming exam stress or alternately to sweat out the previous night’s activities. Don’t worry, the lycra fetish isn’t contagious. ♦

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Entertainment — Whakangahau

NEXUS MAGAZINE

ENTERTAINMENT H OT T E ST TO NOT T E ST →→ Vaccinations →→ Krispy Kreme coming to NZ in March 2018 →→ Gin-flavoured ice cream so you can cry into a cone (or a cup) →→ Taking up a wholesome adult hobby like crafts (see p. 36) →→ Washing all your clothes then having to wear soggy jeans to uni →→ Second years still wearing their Halls lanyards →→ Wearing shorts during a polar blast →→ Finding out your crush has never washed their bedsheets →→ Still wearing your leavers’ hoodie to a 300-level lecture →→ The permanent smell of rotting feijoas in your pantry

C RUSH OF T H E WEEK Durham the Uni Corgi This week, the Nexus crew got to meet the elusive University corgi and his human, John Robson. Durham is seven years old and loves to walk around campus on his little legs (read: furry feeties), meeting people and other dogs. While John called him a “sober little dog” who never really chases balls, he loves to be the centre of attention. Durham even has a Twitter account devoted to him, made by an anonymous (and only slightly creepy) University of Waikato student, with a single photo of his fluffy bottom on it. John, Map Librarian and Assistant Librarian located on Level 4 of the Library, said that he first fell in love with corgis as a breed when he met one called Aster in 1984. It carried on from there; with him

adopting two of her pups. John said that as a breed, corgis are "full of character and personality, they're great company". Durham is John’s 5th corgi dog, and he has been walking them on campus for 32 years! That’s like… 224 dog years.

B EST OF T HE W E B T ERRIB L E C E LE BR ITY WEB SIT ES Art Garfunkel’s Library Art Garfunkel, the piggybacking member of legendary folk duo Simon and Garfunkel, has a section of his website dedicated to cataloguing every single book he has read since 1968. The list includes the date, the page count and the date published - elements that seem necessary only to prove Art’s intelligence. This is the website version of ENGL102 students having a pissing contest over which boring classics they’ve read, or first year Law students wearing suits to class.

GOOP Last week, Gwyneth Paltrow’s whack-job theory - about cucumber proteins potentially causing Alzheimer’s Disease - was confirmed as true by doctors. However, this doesn’t discount the fact that you should never trust a person who named their child after a fruit. While marketing expensive and voodoo-y alternative medicine products, the website also features some stellar quotes of

hers, like: “It’s what makes life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu.” She’s just as unlikeable as any dart-chugging vegan.

Billybobapalooza Billy Bob Thornton, aka that creepy old dude Angelina Jolie dated in the 90s, has his own fan site. The couple used to wear vials of each other’s blood on the red carpet, so you know all his fans are going to be batshit themselves. Features of the website includes a link to listen to the official fan anthem ‘Crush on You’, a photo of his star on the Walk of Fame, and even 2017 updates. This is surprising because the web design is more dated than HeavensGate.com. ♦

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Reviews — Arotakenga

Single Arotakenga Waiata Você Não Presta - Mallu Magalhães Review: Ben Hansen

-5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5

Album Arotakenga Pakaemi ‘Harry Styles’ - Harry Styles Review: Alexander Nebesky

-5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5

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REVIEWS

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Mallu Magalhães has grown up. Far removed from her kitschy folk-pop releases, ‘Você Não Presta’ (‘You Do Not Pay’) is a mature samba-rock anthem, and is the leading single from her fourth solo album Vem, rumoured to be released in June. The squeaks of the cuíca drum in the first few seconds give away that Magalhães is up to something different: but unfortunately, it’s not something new.

The track sounds old, as though it could have come from an ageing Elis Regina record. It’s the sound of an artist whose own creative well has dried up, so she has resorted to copying past greats. She sings: “I invite the whole world to my party, I just do not invite you because you do not pay”. Apparently, “não presta” (‘do not pay’) is a Portuguese idiom roughly translated as “you’re unreliable” or “you suck”. So, you’re not invited to her party because you suck.

Despite the lyrical sentiment and the stylistic stereotype, ‘Você Não Presta’ is brilliantly executed: it’s a pity all copycat songs don’t sound this good. Magalhães voice isn’t dreamy – it’s sleepy – but she still has a remarkable vocal agility when she wants to use it.

Her drowsiness is an endearing contrast to the bright energy of the band, whose music is driven by the persistent samba beat, and brought to life by the lively horn section and the laughter of the cuíca. This perfect textural mismatch is ‘Você Não Presta's greatest strength, along with the fact that this track is irresistibly groovy.

It deserves a good dancing to. Who cares if it's not original when it's so much fun? ♦

When members of a band as ubiquitous and successful as One Direction begin splitting off to pursue solo careers there is a lot at stake and a lot to consider.

Will they maintain the formula, perhaps with a personal twist? Will they fly into an entirely separate genre and drag us down the rabbit hole? Will they play it safe? Will they deliver something original? Something personal?

With these questions in mind, Harry Styles unfortunately, and against all of my hopes and desires, ultimately disappoints. The problem with the record seems to be that Styles is a fan of glory days of 70s rock, and his album sounds like a compilation of iconic 70s rock bands least interesting singles. It is one thing to draw inspiration from a particular musical aesthetic, and another thing entirely to try and recreate it. Listening to Harry Styles almost feels like when you scroll through YouTube for a song and can only find people in their bedrooms recording mediocre covers of it.

There are high points of course, ‘Meet Me in the Hallway’ being a floating, ethereal, psych pop number.

‘Kiwi’ is fucking stupid, Jesus Christ, it sounds like the worst dad rock you ever did hear, which is a shame because Styles’ voice deserves a solid rock number to do it some justice and satisfy our desire to see him front a ‘real’ rock band. While this review is not flattering, worth noting is the fact that this album is almost tarnished by the fact that it is the work of Harry Styles.

Regardless of how much one tries to separate expectations from the sonic reality of the record, one can’t help but feel that with all the hype in the world, an army of producers and writers, the cream of the crop when it comes to session musicians, Styles could have, and indeed should have done better. This album is by no means awful, but I doubt very much that it will ever be anyone’s favourite album, and after two weeks of listening and digesting, it does not deliver on the promises ‘Sign of the Times’ had us look forward to. ♦

Reviews — Arotakenga

Sculpture Arotakenga Tāraitanga Distorted Reflection Review: Calum Hughes

-5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5

Video Game Arotakenga Tākoro Ataata 'Sheltered' - Team 17 Conor Maxwell

-5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5

Food Arotakenga Kame Grey Gardens Review: Jennie-Louise Kendrick

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NEXUS MAGAZINE

It lurks above us, perched atop the mound betwixt FASS and that other building, ominous, foreboding. It sits anxiously close to the top of the ramp down through the uni like some PTSD-induced Indiana Jones flashback. I’m talking of course, about the round metal sculpture thing that we have all seen and questioned whilst walking unwillingly to class. I don’t know what it means, the two people within shouting distance of my desk don’t know what it means and even after two half-assed attempts, Google doesn’t know what it means. Perhaps no one does. But I’m willing to have a guess. After two and a half years studying English I am able to overthink, misinterpret and read into just about anything, and I will forthwith, prove beyond reasonable doubt that the metal ball sculpture is a subversive monument to the rise and fall of incredible, terrible and controversial cyclist; Lance Armstrong. First off, there are seven tear shaped divots cut out of the ball, each representing one of the yellow jerseys that were torn away from Lance after his devastating admission of guilt.

The tragic fall of any hero causes widespread grief, explaining the teardrop shape. The crying eyes of a nation. Next; what it's made of. The Ball is a highly polished sphere. Its surroundings are distorted in its reflective skin, representing the warped view we now have of Armstrong thanks to the international media. It is a ball, rolling like a bicycle to the top of a hill, like a climb leg in the Tour De France, the race in which Armstrong made his name known. Finally, if you still need proof after all of that, the sculpture is in its purest and most simple form, a single ball. The final salute to the cancer-ridden half of Lance's glorious genitals. All in all I give it a solid zero. It's fine. ♦

From the developers of the Worms, a game where you control a team of squishy pink worms trying to survive a war, comes Sheltered, a game where you control a family of squishy pink humans trying to survive the aftermath of a nuclear war.

Set in a nondescript post-Apocalyptic wasteland, and capitalising on the success of Bethesda’s popular mobile game Fallout Shelter, Sheltered places the player in charge of building, upgrading and maintaining a bomb shelter that will keep your family of four (and the pet of your choice) alive for as long as possible. It’s a resource management game which forces you to ration canned food, send party members on dangerous scavenging missions, drink rain water and eat your horse, if you get really desperate.

Throughout the game you will find other survivors looking for a safe place to stay, but you need to be careful if you decide to recruit them: they may be planning to stab you and steal all your stuff. Or worse- they may be decent human beings who are so friendly and helpful that they make you feel uncomfortable. Sheltered, like The Sims, is a great game to play for a couple of hours here and there, but don’t try and binge-play it and finish the game in a single sitting. Because it doesn’t end. Not unless your entire family dies. Bit close to home, really. ♦

No, I’m not reviewing the seminal documentary about decaying relatives of Jackie O and JFK. This cafe can be found nestled in a wee nook off Grey Street, down the alley

by BarberShopCo. It looks like they scooped out the innards of 1950s’ classroom. The baristas resemble characters from a Wes Anderson movie, and they’ll seat you at a small, child-sized desk, making it difficult to have more than a coffee and a small plate afore you. Almost impossible to sit with more than two people, especially if all the Hamilton City Council drones are out for lunch and clogging up the place.

The menu, while limited and very “wholesome”, is very tasty but the coffee can be inconsistently bitter, which is a bit of a shame. The staff are very friendly and relaxed, which is a good thing if you’re there to sit in the place, but I wouldn’t recommend it as a go-to for takeaway coffee if you’re in a jiffy, because with the wait on the coffee - you’d be better to walk to Wellington and get a cold brew. The decor is a bit stiff and cold but the warmth of the vinyl that is undoubtedly playing in the background amends this. Ultimately, you’ve got to hand it to Grey Gardens, they know what their ‘brand’ is and they stick to it. The biscuits are pretty yum too. ♦

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Random Audit — Kauwhau

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F O Y D E COM

Feature — Kupu Whakaatu

NEXUS MAGAZINE

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NEXUS MAGAZINE

Feature — Kupu Whakaatu

For those of you unfamiliar with him, John Oliver is an English comedian who presents a political satire show called “Last Week Tonight”, which is way funnier than that sounds. He tackles mainly US politics (and let’s face us, the current POTUS has, in his short period of presidency, provided enough laugh-because-otherwise-you’ll-cry comedy material to last several centuries) but when news is slow or we’ve drawn attention to ourselves, he has turned his scathing lens on our small islands.

Oliver has admitted having a little bit of a brocrush on John Key, although his fascination is perhaps more akin to the way that it’s impossible not to watch a car crash happening in front of you. Key was less like a serious Prime Minister, and more like some kind of gigantic clown (which was Oliver’s actual description of Key).

So grab your popcorn and let’s take a quick run through of some of Oliver’s attacks on us thus far: John Key – Ponytail Pulling “If you’re a full-grown adult male, there’s a very short list of things you can describe as tantalizing without creeping out everyone. There is steak and that is absolutely it.”

In which he covered our former PM’s apparent hair fetish, when Key was accused of pulling a waitress’s ponytail against her will. Like the waitress in question, Oliver suggested that Key’s bodyguards were probably also tempted to punch him in the face, mocked his “real housewife” style dismissal of the claims, and noted that there had been other instances of hair pulling. “He’s more cat than Prime Minister at this point.”

New Zealand Flag 1 “Granted, John Key has a replacement flag in mind, it looks like the flag on a vegetarian pirate ship.”

In which he mocked our pronunciation of “fleg” and suggested that the confusion between the Australian and New Zealand flags was probably a UN practical joke. Oliver also noted the similarity between Jonkey’s original preference (the silver fern on a black background) and the ISIS banner.

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Paul Henry got a bit of screen time too, telling Key that his flag preference was “bloody horrible”, prompting Oliver to ask “How are you allowed to speak to your Prime Minister like that?”

New Zealand Flag 2 “You are going about this with the enthusiasm of a distant uncle buying a birthday present for a two year old nephew, ‘look, I just need something that has three colours and takes up physical space! I don’t know what it likes!’”

In which he laughed at the nation’s lack of enthusiasm for the whole flag referendum, and put in his own vote for the laser kiwi flag or the exploding egg. Given the abject failure of the referendum, perhaps Key would have done well to listen?

Eminem versus National Party 1 “Pretty legal? That is not a concept that exists, that’s like being ‘sort of dead’ I want to see that man as a defence lawyer, ‘Your Honour, the client pleads probably not’.”

In which he mocks the fact that the National Party was accused of ripping off an Eminem (or “Iminim”) song for its election campaign ad, and Joyce’s brilliant legal defence of this: “We think it’s pretty legal”.

John Key radio interview “The Prime Minister just let himself be overruled by two morning radio DJs.” In which he reported on the “single greatest political interview of all time” – yes, the one where Key admitted on national radio that he doesn’t trim his pubes, has stolen something, does wee in the shower and has never sent a dick pic.

Citing it as a highlight in an otherwise bleak news week, Oliver noted that he didn’t believe the answer to the final question, because “when you’re Prime Minister John Key, every pic is a dick pic.”

Stephen Joyce – Dildo in the face

“Your entire life will now be viewed through a dildonic prism.”

In which he covered that time Stephen Joyce got a dildo in the face at Waitangi. Ahh, good times.

Oliver noted, “step aside Citizen Kane, there is a new greatest film in town” and declared that Joyce’s press nickname “Dildo Baggins” was a play on words that should be awarded the Nobel prize for literature.

Admittedly Joycey courted this particular mocking, as following the incident he took to Twitter to ask someone to send the gif to John Oliver in order to “get it over with”.

Oliver took the challenge to heart, not only covering the story, but also getting a flag made displaying a picture of Joyce and said dildo, and getting Peter Jackson to film himself waving it. The segment ended with a massive musical number featuring a remake of the hallelujah chorus and flying people in penis costumes.

Eminem vs National Party 2 “Some define comedy as tragedy plus time, but for me the purest definition is a middle-aged Kiwi in a robe, playing Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’ to a completely silent and motionless courtroom.”

Oliver mocked that National Party’s defence that they didn’t use Eminem’s song itself but a different song, called “Eminem-esque”. He suggested that they perhaps shouldn’t have used a song title that included the name of the person being ripped off, and suggested alternative titles such as “This may or may not be Copyright infringement”.

Bill English “The minute he mentioned my name, I was going to find the stupidest, most humiliating things that I could. Like this photo of English in a virtual reality headset which makes him look like a masturbating cyborg.”

In which John Oliver proves that a change of PM will not stop the mocking.

When asked about Oliver’s coverage of the ongoing Eminem versus the National Party trial

Feature — Kupu Whakaatu

NEXUS MAGAZINE

English’s assertion that “Some of the [John Oliver] stuff I’ve seen isn’t very funny.” Naturally, Oliver saw this as a challenge, calling him “the very poorest man’s Daniel Craig” and asking “you really want to do this, Bill?”

Oliver therefore sought out all the embarrassing footage he could find of English and sadly, he didn’t have to look far.

English’s completely lame Facebook vid about his ‘walk-run’ exercise routine pretty much mocks itself, and Oliver takes it a step further, imagining what Bill’s sex tape might sound like. Nobody wants to see that.

Oliver then turns his attention to spaghettipizza-gate, which Oliver describes as a hate crime and says he would rather eat Eminem’s “vomit on his sweater already/mom’s spaghetti.”

I personally enjoy John Oliver and find his sketches funny and (sometimes scarily) informative, although not everyone seems to feel the same way. While taking pot shots at former PM, man’s man Teflon John, seemed somehow appropriate, English is a much blander, sadder target.

They say that no publicity is bad publicity, but I wonder how, as a small nation, we can ever be taken seriously when our political leaders insist on acting like such total buffoons, and opening us up for international ridicule? One thing’s for certain, whoever is running social media classes for the leaders of the National Party, needs to be fired.

Given that we can’t guarantee our own leaders won’t continue to act like idiots, the only solution is to ensure the leaders of other countries are worse. Trump is doing a fine job of that already, but we clearly need to up our own efforts. I therefore decree that it’s your patriotic duty to throw sex toys at the Prime Minister of Australia.

After all, they are a bunch of… ♦

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PHOTOGRAPHY BY ANKITA SINGH INSTAGRAM: @ANKITA.SINGH.PHOTOGRAPHY DESIGNER: SOSEFINA MATILDA TUKUTAU STYLIST: LEO PIUZA MODEL: TAHIRIH LATU

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Full Exposure — Mārakerake

Nexus interviewed Leader of the ACT party and Who from Whoville, David Seymour. He made it very clear to her that he was single, and shared her hatred of avocado. They talked about jizz, cannabis, racism, and why the heck students should listen to someone who could impersonate Rick Moranis in Little Shop of Horrors.

You don’t own your own home, do you eat a lot of smashed avocado?

The funny thing is, I quit drinking coffee last July, I hate avocado, and I don’t actually watch Netflix.

So, obviously none of those things are the reason.

What do you think the biggest issue facing our young people, and especially students, coming up to the general election is?

It’s the housing market; we build half as many as we did in the 70s, when the baby-boomers were at peak home-buying age. It has had so many ramifications; it’s the cause of poverty with people in cars and garages, it pushes up rent with a shortage of student accommodation. As you work through your life, you are basically gonna spend an extra five years saving up to buy an inflated house off Boomers. Even Hamilton is an expensive city by international standards.

You recently came out as supporting legalising abortion, cannabis, and blasphemy - how does this align with the basic tenets of libertarianism as an ideology?

Well, you should be able to do what you want - you should be able to do what you damn well please - as long as you are not hurting anyone else. I’ll sum it up with an old Ben Harper quote: “my choice is what I choose to do, and causing no harm, it shouldn’t bother you, your choice is who you choose to be, if you’re causing no harm, you’re alright with me”. I think blasphemy may offend some people but lots of things offend me - Miley Cyrus, for example - but I don’t think people should stop listening to her if they want to. Similarly with abortion; it’s fundamentally a woman’s body and her choice. The last thing people want is a 33 year old single man, like me, inquiring on the uterus. Cannabis, I don’t think NZ is ready for this yet. But in five or ten years, 22

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people are gonna look at Canada, California and Colorado, and they’re just gonna say “I’m not sure prohibition has been a successful policy,” all [prohibition] means is that people get their cannabis from gangs, instead of legal regulated tax-protected industry.

Your party is very aligned with economic policies that would put interest back on student loans, can you elaborate with how this is a good thing for students?

There’s two things. First of all, if you believe that government should tax and spend to give people equal opportunity, that’s fine, but how is it a benefit to use $400-600 of taxpayer money a year giving an interest write-off to the luckiest people in society - people with university degrees.

Second of all, if you’re selfish, would you rather pay for your own education once, or pay taxes for a whole lot of other people to piss around for the rest of their lives? That’s the gist of it, but it’s not gonna change.

You recently said on national television that you think prisoners should not have the right to “jizz in a cup”, Nexus feels strongly that the right to ‘jizz in a cup’ is an inalienable human right, at what level of criminal conviction should someone lose the right to ejaculate into a cup?

Being able to ejaculate into a cup is an inalienable right of men in prison, and also talented women in prison. If you think you can be in prison and impregnate someone that is gonna have a child that you are completely unable to contribute to the care of, well that’s so unfair on that kid. If fatherhood is important to you, my suggestion is, don’t bash anyone’s head in with a hammer, as that guy did.

Full Exposure — Mārakerake

Do you think that the legalisation of cannabis will get you enough “brownie points” with voters who may be otherwise turned away by your more economically liberal policies?

I actually think students stand a lot to gain from a party on the economic front - we want to make superannuation fair, start adjusting it now, not until every baby boomer has had the goodies then start doing it. We want to make housing affordable, because it’s the next issue facing students when housing is going up much faster than the student loan. Then there’s a tax relief, which you can only do if you do the other things, so I think there are lots of economic reasons that students should vote for ACT. I think our attitude that ‘you should be free to be who wanna be and do what you wanna do so long as you don’t harm others’ is something that we embody as a generation of ‘live and let live’.

Several students have likened the major party leaders, English and Little, to the recent battle between Clinton and Trump, where neither candidate was very likeable - How do you think that this lack of charismatic leadership will benefit the polling of the minor parties?

I think we are gonna see a very ‘liquid’ election where it is a ‘Battle of the Bores’. People looking for something new will say, ‘well here’s a party, the only party, with a millennial leader, they’re speaking to the issues that haven’t really been taken seriously’. I think that ACT is actually a party that will have some appeal and we only need to get to 3 or 4% to hold the balance of power and actually shift the direction of NZ away from.

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You recently referred to Winston Peters as “an old-fashioned racist”, is this a critique on his style of racism or racism in general?

What would you class as the nouveau reich?

The thing about Winston Peters is that he is smart enough not to believe the things he says: “two whites make a wong”, that the quality of journalism from Lincoln Tan is poor because he’s Asian, that New Zealand Initiative produced poor research because it’s a think tank mainly staffed by immigrants. It’s just dog-whistling to people who really are racist, and it’s the oldest trick in the book - so it is old-fashioned - but it has real impacts. You look at the amount of crime that goes on, and it disproportionately affects people in the Asian and Indian communities in Auckland, and international students on Queen St. When the people who are paid to lead the party are aiding and abetting or endorsing that sort of behaviour, it’s highly damaging and you shouldn’t be getting a tax paid salary to fund that.

If you could have dinner with one person, dead or alive or imaginary, who would it be?

Margaret Thatcher, because she had courage to change a country and make it a better place.

What is your guilty pleasure TV show?

It used to be House of Cards, but with Trump, the real thing is so much better.

One embarrassing fashion trend you followed when you were younger?

When I was at university, I embraced the practicality of the turtleneck. You don’t have to wear a scarf and you can just pull it up. Editor’s Note: Interest on student loans is one thing, but calling turtlenecks embarrassing? Fuck you Seymour, that’s a step too far. ♦

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Student Experience — Wheako Tauira

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Puppet Master Politics Jamie Strange The required post-Seymour palate cleanser involved Good George Sparkling Pale Ale and former local pop-punk icon Jamie Strange. Now a father of four and a Berkley intermediate music teacher, Strange has left the rock and roll lifestyle behind to be a semi-professional campaigner for elected office (first Hamilton City, then Taupo). If anyone was in a position to educate Lyam on the new look Labour it would be Strange.

Why should I give a shit?

“Politics affects us all whether we like it or not”, yeah alright I’m sure it does but unless the Government is about to double my loan for shits and gigs then I’ll need a little more incentive.

Jamie was surprisingly chill about my childish approach to the situation, he’s still studying and doesn’t blame the majority of us who’d rather focus on passing class, paying rent and putting in substantial groundwork with people who will never sleep with us. Student engagement would completely change the election, if we spent 20 minutes skim reading what different parties are promising then voted for whoever we hated the least we’d all be better off.

What made you care about politics?

I went into this expecting some painfully inspirational spiel about “providing a better future for the youth of today”. Thankfully, he wasn’t a wanker. Jamie started off his political career by being a classic lad at the rugby, ‘peacefully’ protesting to bring back Buck Shelford in the early 90s. This brief spout of caring about an issue then spiralled out of control into the overwhelming realisation that politics affects

every aspect of our lives. His efforts may not have brought back the mighty Buck, though it did indirectly result in him being the Labour Party candidate for Hamilton East.

What is Labour doing for students?

One of their main points is providing three years of free tertiary education, this won't actually affect any of us but at least a future generation of students wouldn’t have to deal with the shit chat about how daunting everyone’s loans are. However, adding a thousand police to the force would affect us, what I got from it was they’re looking to implement the equivalent of a sheriff in each suburb with the overarching idea of increasing community safety. Along with this they’re also planning to make it easier to buy a house by banning foreign buyers, partnering with developers and cracking down on speculators.

Today Lyam Learnt: →→ Free education and the ability to buy your first home should be more important to him than they are. →→ It’s possible to be both a decent person capable of a good yarn and a former Christian rocker at the same time.

The Last Word I guess Labour are fairly similar to the Greens except they yarn a whole lot less about the environment and don’t think I’m as much of a pretentious sack. Strange was cool and thankfully less of a wanker than I expected after looking at his posters. I think it’s safe to say I still have no real idea when it comes to politics. ♦ 25

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Student Experience — Wheako Tauira

Nexus had a chat to Sam Sinclar, recently selected Silver Fern, student, and allround overachiever.

How do you juggle all your netball commitments with study and a social life?

My key thing is organisation, I’ve got my diary, wall planner and a whiteboard in my room where I write down everything I’m doing each day. I’m a pretty pedantic list person. I feel really good ticking things off a list, even when it’s something little like making my bed. It’s stuff like this that makes me feel like I’m staying on top of everything. Also having good relationships with lecturers helps just so they know what I’m doing and when I’m doing it.

What does your average week look like?

Sunday – Game Monday – Recovery (Swim, stretch, spin) and class Tuesday – Gym, one on one session, conditioning and then off to class Wednesday – Netball session with the team Thursday – Specialist session and gym Friday – Another gym session Saturday – Rest/recovery day Sunday – Game Are you reliant on caffeine? Or have you just got that natural drive?

Nah I don’t really like coffee and I’ve also stopped drinking tea because I just found out that it stains your teeth. I just love my sport and I’m in a really good situation at the moment with amazing people around me who help me balance my study and enable me to study without having to think about work. I’m just loving where I’m at and I’ve always loved playing netball so it’s great that I’m able to make it into a job as well.

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Have you ever wished you could live that shitbag student life of sinking a beer in the morning instead of being a professional athlete?

Aw I definitely go through phases of that, we’re always thinking about it. I was talking about it to one of my teammates today on the way to the gym, “Imagine if we didn’t have to do this, imagine if we could just stay in bed all morning and get up and go to class like your other normal students”.

We’re always thinking stuff like that but in the end we see the things we can do and the places we can go you realise it is actually pretty cool being where I am. I love going out and having a great time but I’m pretty focussed on what I’m doing at the moment.

What’s the most suss thing you’ve done on tour?

At the end of last year I was in the Fast5 team and I had an exam the day after we got back, we ended up winning the tournament so we went out and had a real good time but our flights left at 6am the next morning. We stayed out boogying till the early hours of the morning, jumped on a flight, came home then sat an exam. I’m pretty sure I passed it as well which was pretty cool.

If you weren’t playing netball what shitty part time job would you be in?

Probably working at a cafe, if I was still at school I’d be working at Maccas. Actually on second thought it’d be risky to work with food because I’d probably get obese. I really don’t know, I just don’t want a job.

COOKED Student Experience — Wheako Tauira

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Self-Saucing Chocolate Pudding for Your Saucy Selves

Today, boys and girls, I am going to share with you a recipe passed down from my great-grandmother, who was committed by her husband in the 60s for drunkenly throwing beer bottles at him when he came home late from the pub. A recipe that takes little time to prepare and few ingredients.

A recipe that screams “I am eating my feelings because it is cold, exams are impending, nobody loves me and I have already exhausted all of my other outlets to complain”.

Ingredients →→ Sauce →→ ¾ cup sugar →→ 1 tbsp cocoa powder →→ 1 c boiling water →→ Pudding →→ 2 oz melted butter (geriatrics measure in ounces, that means about 50gms) →→ ½ cup sugar (white and refined, like the prerequisite for an accounting paper) →→ 2 tbsp cocoa powder →→ 1 cup standard flour (none of that organic, wholemeal bullshit here, thank you) →→ 2 tsp baking powder →→ 1 cup milk →→ 1 egg Method 1. Preheat oven to roughly 175º 2. Combine sauce ingredients in a container, stirring until sugar has dissolved. Set aside.

3. Mix all the other shit in a bowl and put into a greased baking dish.

4. Pour sauce over the pudding batter. It’s gonna feel weird. Don’t fight it.

5. Trust.

6. Bake for about 45 mins or until a knife comes out clean-ish.

7. Serve. Goes nicely with cream, ice cream, maltesers, or a side of self-loathing. ♦ 27

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Student Experience — Wheako Tauira

FOMO

Have an event you want featured? Flick an email to editor@nexusmag.co.nz with details of the event and we’ll get in touch.

Important Dates Once Again: →→ →→ →→ →→ →→

This is the last week of semester The rumors are true, next week is actually study week Contrary to popular belief, exams start the week after study week The Green will be frothing with drunk engineers for Boat Day this Friday Sadly this is the last issue of Nexus until next semester

Boardgaming Club Tuesday Nights, SUB, 6.30-10.30 Love a bitta board gaming? Pop into Gaura/Namaste in the Student Union Building (SUB) each Tuesday night. Bring your own board games or join in with the games brought by others.

Hamilton Greens Quiz Night June 2nd, Nivara Lounge, 6.30-9pm This Friday night your Green Party candidates Jo Wrigley and Sam Taylor will be out hosting a fundraising quiz night and art auction. It’s $80 to enter a team with a maximum of eight per crew, nibbles will be provided. To submit your team email Alana: alana_kaihe@hotmail.co.nz. Spaces are limited.

End of Semester Mixer June 2nd, Little George, 7pm-Late CS3 are hosting a night of good brews and a chance to finally chill on the last night of semester. There will be drink deals throughout the night and there’s a rumor spreading that their president Chris will be matching anyone shot for shot, should anyone dare rise to the challenge.

Needle in the Hay 300a Racquet Lane This is a gorgeous little shop is easily the best place in the city to shop for vinyls and source all the nik naks you never knew you needed. They’re open Wednesday and Fridays from 10-5 as well as Thursday and Saturday from 10-2ish.

Student Survey Participants needed for a PSYC survey - Current students of UoW who are renting.

Share your experience in an Honour’s survey. Keep an eye out for details in a poster that will bombard campus and pop up in your letterbox this week!

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NEXUS MAGAZINE

Columns — Maramara Kōrero

The Fashion Critic Keep it Minimal, Sweetie

↑ J I L S A N D E R C A M PA I G N

Amanda van der Klompf Since the mid 80s, American fashion has characterised by vapid minimalism. New York Fashion Week heavyweights Calvin Klein and Helmut Lang, along with German designer Jil Sander, established a rigid minimalist trend landscape. Collections rarely strayed outside the parameters of clean silhouettes, grey and white fabrics, and very little (if any) flourish. Perhaps as a reaction to the exuberance of the disco era and the gaudiness of 80s pop culture, the American fashion clientele began opting for clothes that would make as quiet of a statement as possible.

For the consumer, minimalism (now popularly referred to as “Scandi” minimalism) has become a series of rituals. Developing a capsule wardrobe, establishing a day-to-day uniform, “pruning” items from your collection... They’re rituals set in place to give those who spend far too much of their paycheck on clothes the false assurance that they “don’t engage with the fast fashion system” and “prefer basic items with high quality craft – that’s why I bought this $200 white t-shirt.”

In its abstracted, YouTube-tagged, Instagrammable 2017 form, minimalism at its surface seems to be an inept attempt at being pseudo-intellectual.

However, a few decades ago, Klein, Lang and Sander were onto something.

Speaking recently with i-D magazine, Klein said that he thinks “pairing anything down to its purity and the essentials is very difficult to do, and ultimately I think it helps make people look beautiful.” Through Calvin Klein Collection, and a cluster of diffusion brands, Klein singlehandedly defined a new look for America. He harnessed the 30

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immense success of Calvin Klein Jeans (aided by a plethora of controversial advertising campaigns) and his unisex fragrance lines to establish a strong voice in New York Fashion Week. He presented endless grey upon grey, modest hem lengths, and shapeless cardigans paired with effortless shift dresses in silk. It was the launch of what is now considered to be America’s biggest powerhouse fashion brand. Still firmly rooted in minimalist mentality, the brand is now helmed by recently appointed Chief Creative Raf Simons, one of the industry’s most preeminent designers.

Austrian born Helmut Lang developed a rougher form of minimalism. His work featured aggressive textures found in sportswear, as well as unconventional materials such as rubber and feathers. Lang garnered a cult following; he was the more obscure, less commercial, and less American Klein. Before his decision to completely withdraw to become a sculptor in 2004, Lang left an indisputable imprint on the fashion industry.

So often has Lang’s work been imitated by fellow designers and high street brands, that it is hard to believe that he was the first to design clothes in such a way. Quick comparisons between Lang and Kanye West’s infamous Yeezy collections will prove that waves don’t die. ♦

↑ HELMUT LANG SS98

Columns — Maramara Kōrero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Opinionated Don’t Knock On My Door Unless You Have Pizza Jean Balchin It was three in the afternoon and I was curled up in bed, feeling rather dusty and full of self-pity. I lay there, cradling a half-empty pizza box, wishing that sleep would overtake me and cure me of my hangover. Then came the knock at the door. Thinking that it might be one of my flatmate’s friends, I dragged myself out of bed and answered the door.

There stood a short, colourless man, backed by two equally colourless boys. They stared at me with their grey eyes, wet blonde hair plastered to their faces. I felt a thrill of horror run through me.

You see, they weren’t my flatmate’s friends. They weren’t plumbers or electricians. They weren’t men in black, or emissaries from my landlord. They were door-to-door preachers and there I was, frozen like a deer in the headlights.

In hindsight, I probably should have politely but firmly closed the door and gone back to bed. But instead I stood there and listened to a twenty minute sermon, full of fire, brimstone and judgement. As the daughter of a pretty hard-core fundamentalist minister, I’ve heard it all before.

But I found the presumptuous manner of the man, and his throwaway comments about how people who committed suicide went straight to hell, deeply offensive. If you have lived in any major community, you’ve probably encountered door-to-door proselytizing in one form or another. From Jehovah’s Witnesses to the Church of the Latter Day Saints, door-knockers are employed by many denominations and churches to increase awareness. But honestly, they’re really fucking annoying.

For a start, they’re downright invasive. Often people feel too polite to tell the door-knocker to leave, and a certain sense of anxiety kicks in.

The home is a deeply personal space, and the audacity of these people is astounding. Secondly, New Zealand is an incredibly multicultural country. Door to door preaching fails to address the cultural differences and misunderstandings between people. It can cause individuals of different religions to feel judged, scrutinized or harassed. Moreover, there’s no real evidence to indicate that door-to-door preaching actually works. Faith is a personal issue for people, and door-to-door exchanges often become highpressure situations, imparting bad press to the church in question and leaving the homeowner with a bad taste in their mouth. No one wants a condescending speech about how they’re a liar and deserving of an eternity of agony. No one wants to be told that due to their sexuality, they’re damned. Instead, they’d like to hear how their local churches are helping the community.

Human connections and church communities are built on a mutual love of Christ, care and understanding, not fear and invasiveness.

So there you have it. After I admitted that my father was a Presbyterian minister and that I was “frankly sick of religion”, the man and his two sons gave up on me, and awkwardly shuffled away. I guess there’s some consolation in the fact that their long exchange with me had potentially given my neighbours the chance to escape. ♦ 31

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Columns — Maramara Kōrero

Morning After Raglan Roadie Julie Charlton I feel like everyone views Raglan as if it was in another time zone. Honestly, getting from Hillcrest to Te Rapa in rush hour traffic would take longer than cruising the open roads to the western beach. Any car can handle the hills on your way to Raglan, even my busted up Passo can trundle along at 115km 100km.

There are a lot of high quality activities that you can partake in at Raglan which don’t involve buying weed outside the public library.

Obviously, the beach is the main attraction and you even have a few options. Firstly, you can just hang around the town beach that even has a handy bridge, making it oh so easy to get yourself to the skate park. Also, a prime bridge for a manu or two. I rate the skate park highly enough to recommend you bring your bike or skateboard with you, just be careful you don’t run over a kid on a scooter. And if you are the kid on the scooter, please just stop. It’s not a thing.

Scooters aren’t cool. Scoot somewhere else.

Head to the surf beach that tends to have numerous dogs running free, it’s a can’t miss location. To be fair, the water will most likely be freezing this time of the year but I would almost promise you that icy sea water will cure any hangover. Or it will give you a cold. That will give you a medical certificate. That will give you guilt free days in bed. So really, it’s a win, win. The message here is, I’m not wrong.

Raglan is also full of sick little shops and places to eat. There is the classic fish and chips on the wharf where they have some serious kumara fries. Or there’s the little takeaways next 32

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to Wrong Skate Shop. The skate shop itself is worth a gander, unless you ride a scooter then just piss off. If you require a lunch that is a little more Instagram worthy or you just don’t feel like spiking your sodium levels, you’re in luck.

There is the café that sells every health food/ fad under the sun and is conveniently next to the organic store. They’ve got kale smoothies to Kombucha and probably chia seeds in something.

The organic store itself is an absolute beauty especially if you’re on the same side of the diet spectrum as me. It has a corner just devoted to herbal tea and there is every vegan snack imaginable. And of course, the succulent garden just through the back doors.

In the end, Raglan is worth the petrol. ♦

Columns — Maramara Kōrero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Auteur House ↑ T H E H A T E F U L E I G H T, Q U E N T I N TA R A N T I N O

Who is the Best Filmmaker of the 21st Century?

Richard Swainson

↑ MULHOLLAND DRIVE, D A V I D LY N C H

↑ H U G O, M A R T I N S C O R S E S E

↑ B E F O R E S U N S E T, R I C H A R D L I N K L AT E R

Answering this question requires a systematic method. At the end of 2010 the American journal Film Comment surveyed critics and filmmakers from around the world as to their top directors of the decade. Whilst this survey is obviously now seven years out of date, the results nevertheless provide an interesting international counterpoint to potential Hollywood and European bias. Topping the list was the Chinese director Jia Zhangke. He was followed by the little seen surrealist from Thailand, Apichatpong Weerasethakul and French avant-garde darling Claire Denis.

Looking back over my own records of 21st century viewing I recently devised a statistical way of answering the question myself. The challenge is to balance the qualitative against the quantitative. Who are the directors that have been the most consistent in their output over the last 16 or so years?

I tallied up all those directors who featured more than once in my own annual Top 10 lists.

Those that met this qualification were then allocated a number that reflected their films' placement in each of the respective years. A director who topped the list was given ten points; a director who snuck into the list at number ten was given just one point.

The results aren't completely satisfactory. By virtue of the high placement given the Lord of Rings films, New Zealand's own Peter Jackson came in at number two, a ranking that is difficult to defend. More acceptable perhaps is the three

way tie for third place between Martin Scorsese (for The Aviator, George Harrison: Living in the Material World, Hugo and The Wolf of Wall St), Quentin Tarantino (for Kill Bill 1 & 2, Sin City and The Hateful Eight) and Richard Linklater (for Before Sunset, Before Midnight and Boyhood).

Directors who work less are disadvantaged by this system. Even so, David Lynch, on the strength of only two films (Mulholland Drive and Inland Empire) ties for eighth and the Swedish master Roy Andersson enjoys a sixth equal position on the basis of his "human condition" trilogy alone (Songs from the Second Floor; You, The Living and A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence).

The overall winner is Michael Haneke, whose films made five of my Top 10 lists. Haneke wins for Code Unknown, The Piano Teacher, Hidden, Amour and The White Ribbon. All titles are available at Auteur House. ♦

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NEXUS MAGAZINE

Columns — Maramara Kōrero

Yam and Troy the Science Boys Boat Race Day Troy the Science Boy It’s not called Boat Race Day, it’s called the First Year Engineering Design Challenge, because Boat Race Day has binge drinking connotations associated, and we absolutely cannot have that. Students don’t binge drink, they consume alcohol responsibly and that occasionally happens to coincide with a desire to impair brain function to a level most pleasant.

Just kidding, it’s Boat Race Day, I’m sure even young man Quigley calls it that.

In any case, we’re talking about a bit of the old engineering today. I will now predict the winning boat description. It will be the boat with the best steering and the most batteries. Because at the end of the day, if you’re weight distribution is good and your hull isn’t completely incompetent, a boat that has good steering and can fucking cane it is going to win almost every time.

During A Semester, the first-year engineers are tasked with testing the effectiveness of different propeller types, rudder and/or foil types, hull types and hydrodynamics, battery configurations and steering. From here, they decide which options will work best for their design and budget accordingly.

All of these things are very important, HOWEVER, provided your shit’s not absolutely out the gate, batteries and steering are the keys to victory.

These two things are going to be the make or break of a boat's success. A fast time is crucial, so the boat that can finish fastest by combining speed and manoeuvrability is going to tear shit up.

Batteries So, the key here is a combination of parallel and series batteries. For all you non-electrical people, 34

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series is when batteries are placed end to end and parallel is when batteries are wired side by side. Series increases the power output but the drawback is it drains the batteries super quickly.

Parallel allows the battery packs to run for a longer amount of time but with a lower power output. A compromise between these two is necessary to have a boat that hauls ass. Another notable thing to mention is obviously too many batteries is going to be heavy, but if she’s not sinking, don’t worry, get more batteries in there.

Steering The steering system of the boats arguably needs to be the most well designed and constructed component of the entire boat. A boat that goes fast and cannot manoeuvre, is a projectile, but without a devastating payload of explosive, it is a shit projectile, so get the steering right children. All too often you see boats with steering that fails part-way through the race, these proceed to fuck off to the other side of the lake and it is hilarious. So build steering that works, I cannot stress this enough, it must be the most meticulously crafted part.

In any case, head down there, it gets loose and it’s a good time to watch. It is highly satisfying seeing some well-constructed boats making the course their bitch and hilarious watching some of the shitter one’s go AWOL/sink/catch fire. ♦

Columns — Maramara Kōrero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Darts & Crafts Street-Side Shelf Emily Reid When traversing the streets of Hamilton East, you may notice the large amount of abandoned furniture that litters the gutters. If you'd hate to see those bedroom suites go entirely to waste, this project will hopefully give you some inspiration.

Materials: →→ A sad old drawer →→ Sand paper if you're feeling fancy →→ Paint and a paintbrush →→ A couple of nails and an understanding landlord How to craft: →→ Release some end of semester frustration by kicking out the bottom of the drawer. →→ Tidy it up by sanding it and slapping some paint on it. →→ Nail four nails into your wall for it to hang on and use it to display your most valued knick knacks. ♦

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Snapped — Atapaki

NEXUS MAGAZINE

ER

NN WI

Snap nexusmag your shenanigans! The best snap each week wins a voucher from our mates at BurgerFuel. Claim it from the Nexus office in SUB. If you wish to withdraw a snap from the magazine before publication on Thursday, email us a detailed account of what the snap is and why it needs to be removed.

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Blind Date — He aru makau

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Blind—

Brought to you by House on Hood Street.

Each week Nexus attempts to make a romantic/sexual connection.

If you're keen for a date on us, email editor@nexusmag.co.nz She’s an exchange student who in her application outlined her desire to stay in NZ and her need for the “Blind Date to end in a proposal” for a Visa. She “drew the line at a Kiwi love child”. We set her up with an engineering lad who was “despo” for a date.

She said: I arrived at House pretty on time fuelled by some cheeky gin shots. The bartender told me my date was already there and I was suddenly super jealous. Eager beaver got an early start on the tab. Right off the bat he told me he was in engineering, and I felt an overwhelming need to flee. Nerds scare me with their brainy calculating minds. But duty called and I had a bar tab to drink. We stuck to beer and some vodka feijoa shots - he picked the rounds. I like a guy who takes control… But it wasn’t long until I realised I was crushing beer faster than him. Yikes.

Two hours later sporting a nice buzz, he took my shisha virginity (It didn’t last long). Let’s just say he was impressed with my blowing skills. As an exchange student, I was really hoping to meet (and marry) a nice rugby player so that I could stay in NZ forever. But here I was, settling for a cricket boy. Can’t win them all. Not long after, his flatties came and picked us up.

Thanks boys for entertaining me with a cringe worthy game of water pong. Obviously you needed the practice. Overall, it was such a memorable night with such an unmemorable guy that I can’t even remember his name. He wants to get some more beers this weekend, but after this roast, I have my reservations. Blind dates are fun but I think I’ll stick with Tinder to get laid.

He said: A few beers were had before leaving for House, coming in hot at 7pm. I waited patiently for my date to show while sipping away on a Steiny Pure. 30 minutes later my date decided to show up (better late than never right? ). She was a Canadian girl from outside Vancouver. As the conversation ebbed and flowed there were certain things I had to get accustomed to. Firstly, the number of times she said ‘eh’ at the end of each sentence was beyond tolerable. I suggested that we order some food because my ears just could not take any more. So we ordered a BBQ beef pizza, what followed was totally bizarre. She reached into her bag and brought out a big, long, brown bottle of maple syrup which she drizzled all over her half of the pizza. Surprisingly enough, I asked if I could try a piece and it tasted absolutely outstanding (ol’ Canadians eh).

As the night went on, she kept trying to convince me that ice hockey is better than rugby and that she could give me a right go for my money - “I’ve spent countless hours practicing on the frozen lake back home so I would absolutely fuck you up”. The dominating tone in which she said that resulted in me getting a slight bulge in my jeans, however, she would have never noticed even if she looked right at it (good eh). A coupley beers and many shots later I somehow convinced her to come back to mine. Lets just say that she was right, I got absolutely fucked up… Shoutout to Nexus for a sick night and to my date for showing up 30 mins late.

Date.

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NEXUS MAGAZINE

Puzzles — Panga

Horoscopes Aries: March 21 — April 19 Wednesday mid-morning brings misunderstandings with your peers. Avoid those who consume chamomile.

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Virgo: August 23 — September 22 Stability or a constant challenge? Define your personal forecast for the winter months, either way you’ll still be alone.

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Libra: September 23 — October 22 This morning provides very astute observations, hone in on this skill and refine your talents. Do you feel fulfilled with your youth?

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Taurus: April 20 — May 20 You’re a celestial leader throughout June. There will be big changes with a special someone, consider day drinking on Friday.

Gemini: May 21 — June 20 Your aura is vibrating with initiative, go with your gut feeling this week. Pop down to the casino and chuck your rent on red.

THEME: Wellington - the Portland of the South.

Macchiato

Lambswool

Roll Neck

Scorpio: October 23 — November 21 A calming solar presence washes over your flustered consciousness tonight. It’s time for a new romantic interest, frequent The Hood this week.

Neck Tattoo

Aloe

Blunt Fringe

Hard Boiled Egg

Spider Plant

Karma Cola

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Sagittarius: November 22 — December 21 Your capabilities with negotiation are unheard of.

Focus on building meaningful relationships rather than peer pressuring those around you to drink.

Soft Grunge

Wind Burn

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Toi Whakaari

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Capricorn: December 22 — January 19 Be true to yourself. The stars are worried about you.

Do you truly believe your zodiac ancestors would’ve owned multiple fidget spinners?

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Aquarius: January 20 — February 18 Now is the perfect time to initiate new projects in love. Create a few vague Instagram stories to keep your potential lover on edge.

Pisces: February 19 — March 20 Take a little time to think about your work/life balance this week. When was the last time you washed your hair?

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NEXUS MAGAZINE

Puzzles — Panga

Sudoku 1

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24. Culinary style in which a dish is prepared or served with a dressing of burning liquor (6) 25. Type of rowing by a single oarsman in a racing shell (8)

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mammal which can roll up into a ball when attacked (8) 5. London-born Grand Prix motorcycle road racer

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in 1984 (5,6) 22

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town of Morley, West Yorkshire, where he won a talent contest in 1936 (5,4) 12. Football team who were promoted to the Premier League in 1993 under manager Glenn

Across 1. Ancient Greek female lyric poet from Lesbos,

information are stored in images of reduced size (10)

most of whose works have not survived (6)

14. ___ et orbi, a Latin term used in papal

4. Mining town in south Wales which hosted the

blessings, addressing the city and the world (4)

first modern Eisteddfod in 1861 (8)

16. Name of the most easterly point in the British

9. The ceremony of washing the feet of the poor,

Isles, located in Lowestoft, Suffolk (4)

in commemoration of the act performed by Jesus

18. A hormone secreted to constrict the arteries,

in the Bible, John 13 (6)

thus increasing blood pressure and stimulating

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the heart (10)

Diaries of a Cabinet Minister about his time in

21. An old French epic poem, usually celebrating

government from 1964 to 1970 (8)

the exploits of knights (7,2,5)

11. Fortification in East Sussex built around 290

23. Nickname of the World War I German

AD, known to the Romans as Anderitum (8,6)

fighter pilot born Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von

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Richthofen (3,5)

Hoddle (7,4) 13. A winter constellation of the northern sky, said to resemble a unicorn (9) 15. The closest Underground station to the London Eye (8) 17. ___ Ballet, New Romantic pop band led by vocalist Tony Hadley (7) 19. A narrow neck of land connecting two larger portions, for example at Corinth (7) 20. Country whose flag depicts the Star of David between two horizontal stripes (6) 22.Model of Skoda vehicle named after a legendary mountain-dwelling beast (4)

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