Nexus, Issue 19, 2013

ISSUE 19, VOLUME 45

Indie Elitism Vs The Mindless Blockbuster.

Actual Film Makers Say Actual Things ClusterF@*&K NZUSA: Who to blame now

NEXUS GOES TO THE MOVIES.

02 SEPTEMBER 2013

WES3582

Students get deals worth screaming about at WestďŹ eld Chartwell.

westfield.co.nz/chartwell

elcom sue Fo

contents

Editorial Team Editor Alix Higby editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Deputy Editors Louise Hutt & Jess Edmonds-Saunders louise@nexusmag.co.nz jess@nexusmag.co.nz News Editor zanian steele news@nexusmag.co.nz Online Editor Alix Higby online@nexusmag.co.nz

Graphic Designer Haylie Gray design@nexusmag.co.nz

Managing Editor James Raffan james@nexusmag.co.nz

Advertising Advertising Manager Tony Arkell ads@nexusmag.co.nz

Contributors C-Ball, Kathlene Cook, Daniel Petersen, Matt Hicks, Morgahna Godwin, HP, Danyell Summers, Dr Richard Swainson, Dr Burton C Bogan, Jess Molina, Caitlin Ashworth, Kevin Pyror, Nathan Sweetman, Kelsey Weld, Gil Denny, Amber, Tony Stevens, Nate Ross, Alessia Weir, Tom Petchell, Hoss and Ayman Aneece, Emma Knapp, Joe Citizen, Loren Corbett and Aaron Letcher

Print Fusion Print

Nexus Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily the views of Nexus magazine, the WSU, Printers, the editor or any of our advertisers.

Ground Floor, Student Union Building Gate One, University of Waikato Knighton Road, Hamilton online nexusmag.co.nz facebook.com/nexusmagNZ @waikatostudents

issue 19 / VOLUME 45 / 02 SEPTEMBER / 2013 News

[3] University News.

[4] News.

[6] Sports Thoughts.

[7] ?

[8] Not News.

Opinion [11] Film Review Top 10.

[12] Lettuce to the Editor.

[13] Notices

Entertainment and Reviews [14] Film, Gig & CafĂŠ review.

Horoscopes [15] Book, Comic & Album review.

Horoscopes [16] @Honest_Matt Meets...

[17] Eight Ball.

Cool Not Cool.

[18] Puzzles [20] Feature - Indie Elitism vs Mindless Blockbuster [22] Feature - Nexus Meets Actual Film Makers [24] Feature - Clusterfuck NZUSA Edition

WSU

[26] President’s Column + Veeps [27] Ask Amber + Citizens Advice Bureau + Young Workers Resource Centre

Lifestyle

[28] Food Page [29] Little Beer Corner + Crime Map [30] Auteur + Google This [31] Campus Style [32] Louise vs The World + Making Living Cheaper [33] Arts - Ben Bartels [34] Slut DJ [35] Mr Minty Fish + Diary of a Single Girl [36] Was This You? [37] Shit You Can Do

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Editorial

Editorial

Highlight Reel

By Alix Higby

this week in nexus // Pg: 20

Indie Elitism vs The Mindless Blockbuster Last Monday I’d planned to be nose deep in a course required book from second year English paper, but instead I was guiltily scrolling through a borrowed hard drive waiting for some unknown film title to match my present emotional state. It was late, I’d had a long day, and I was sleepy but also felt bothered by a sense of being out of touch. I don’t know why I thought 90+ minutes of some director’s visual extension of his/her imagination would help, but I guess I just didn’t particularly feel like doing what I was supposed to.

Movies are made to take you elsewhere, to transport you to the other, to remove you from your present reality and temporarily replace it with one that looks nothing like a pile of due dates, two minute noodles, and a

festival time! Prepare yourself to be slapped in the face with this information throughout the rest of this issue.

Hamilton’s Lido is providing all of your indie film fare once again, and on doing so attempting to coerce the punters into giving a damn about the underfunded local film industry. There are heaps, check the website.

I know you all just want to ogle Hermione as she tears into Paris Hilton’s mansion.

Understandable. Girl is a 10. This aside, realise that Hamilton is desperately asking for your help in maintaining the idea that we are not the place that culture goes to die, and art and creativity are also celebrated alongside Jack Daniels and all Mooloo everything. If you want to live in a city that is laughed at for

“I know you all just want to ogle Hermione as she tears into Paris Hilton’s mansion.

Understandable. Girl is a 10” cat that refuses to be seen with you in public.

Movies can offer an absorbing plotline or beautifully shot scenes or impossibly witty dialogue and occasionally a rare ruby of a film will bundle up all three with extra wontons for being such a loyal consumer.

Everybody loves film, excepting those weird families who never owned a television set in the 90s (probably cult reasoning). Not merely for escapism, but I’d willingly bet that’s a huge portion of it. You only live the one time around (or so we’ve heard) and cinematic representations of other viewpoints, personal journeys, impossible alternate universes, and Scarlett Johansson provide the opportunity to experience what we otherwise could not. Why are we talking about this? Because it’s film 2

never having any good events or talented people, don’t go to things like the New Zealand International Film Festival. Stay at home with Pretty Little Liars (Nexus will forgive you if you’re actually watching Suits.)

Hamilton has a history of being an ‘all that is good in the world’ vacuum, but so does Nexus - and look, we’re really pretty now.

There’s some really arty sophisticated bullshit you can sink your teeth into in this town, you just haven’t been looking or venturing beyond your welcome mat. It’s always going to be what you put into it. We know we are not Wellywood, but that signage idea was fucking stupid anyway!

Alix

We debate the two sides of the film coin. // Pg: 22

Nexus Meets Actual Film Makers This ins and outs of actually running a film production company. // Pg: 24

Clusterfuck NZUSA EDITION Confused? Who’s upset with who? We deliver the break down. // Pg: 34

Slut DJ: The Finale The last installment in our scandalous three part series. // Pg: 28

NOM NOM NOM Hungry students, rejoice. Nexus delivers.

NEWS NEWS

UNI NEWS

WHO WILL YOU NOMINATE?

KINGITANGA DAY NEXT WEEK

ELECTION OF sCHOOL’s sTUDENT MEMBER IN FOR TO COUNCIL sUMMER

Nominations for the Teaching, Research Postgraduate Supervision and eLearning Awards close this Friday 6 September. If you know of a great lecturer or tutor who deserves some recognition, find out more and nominate online at www.waikato.ac.nz/pod/nomination – it only takes a couple of minutes.

Nominations are now open for the 2014 student member of the University Council. All enrolled students are eligible to nominate and be nominated. Nominations close on Friday 13 September 2013. Interested? Find out about what’s involved at www.waikato.ac.nz/ about/corporate/student-member

GREAT RACE POWHIRI

Kingitanga Day is a free public event that celebrates the University’s relationships with the Kingitanga and with iwi from across the nation. A wide range of seminars and workshops are happening across campus featuring keynote speakers Dame Anne Salmond and Sir Mark Soloman.

Kingitanga Day kicks-off at 10am, Thursday 12 September. For more information and to download a programme visit www.waikato.ac.nz/events/kingitanga

Students are invited to attend the powhiri to officially welcome crews this Wednesday 4 September at 10am at the campus Marae.

Then, head along to the Waikato River this Sunday 8 September to watch the crews in action at the Gallagher Great Race. Events run all day, starting at 9am. www.thegreatrace.co.nz

Want to speed up, catch up or try something new? The University of Waikato offers two summer school semesters: T Semester (4 November – 13 December 2013) and S Semester (6 January – 21 February 2014). These condensed six-week study terms are an ideal opportunity to take an extra paper or try something new. To see a full list of papers available visit www.waikato.ac.nz/go/ summerstudy or come along to our drop-in information evening on Wednesday 2 October at the Student Centre from 4pm–7pm.

3 MINUTE THEsIs All PhD candidates are invited to participate in the ‘3 Minute Thesis’ (3MT) competition for a chance to win funding to assist with their research. 3MT is a continuation of the popular ‘The3is in 3’ competition and is invaluable for doctoral students to gain experience in how to pitch their research to a lay audience in three minutes. 1st prize $3,000, 2nd prize $1,500.

There is a People’s Choice award and prizes for all finalists. Entries close 6 September.

Enter online at www.waikato.ac.nz/sasd/ postgraduate/th3sis

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NEWS

NEWS

Want free “light refreshments” and Pizza?

The WSU has scheduled its Annual General Meeting for Wednesday 18th September in LG.01 at 1pm.

Democracy wins and maybe you lose.

The 1,039 votes have now been counted and we have a newish WSU board for 2014. Those who say, “democracy makes for strange bedfellows,” are really underselling it. This time round democracy had a one night stand where no names were exchanged and it agreed to do truly despicable and subjugating things ranging from a cleveland steamer to a kiwi surprise (do not google) before spewing forth almost exactly what was expected. In 2014 the WSU will be represented by: a zealot; an ideologue; a conservative; a narcissist, and (according to recent survey data) a bigot. In other words you have re-elected Aaron in a landslide.

Joining him will be your usual assortment of general do-gooders and people who think we have money to book shapeshifter for ORI14. So nothing has really changed.

The old board is dead! Kneel before Zod! (actual voting totals right)

For those of you who will be attending for the first time, basically what happens is that you come along and sit through a meeting that isn’t nearly as boring as you would think. Every now and then someone will halt proceedings and ask for

Or to use the WSU’s own “official notice”

The AGM is to be held Wednesday 18th September 2013, 1pm in LG.01.

Find out what your WSU has been up to over the last year. Hear about their plans for the future and how they expect to pay for it.

If you have an agenda item you would like considered please contact the WSU prior to 4pm on Tuesday 3rd September.

Any student can attend but you must be a member to vote. To join up or check if you are on the roll please visit the WSU office before 4pm Tuesday 10th September 2013.

President Votes

Directors Votes

Aaron Letcher

Zanian Steele

337

Shaun Letcher

324

Daniel Farrell

291

Gabriel Paikea

290

Roy Mazorodze

282

Danielle Selby

280

Johnny Ryan

260

Samuel Marelich

249

492

Vice-President Shannon Stewart

802

Vice-President Maori Simba Marama-Lyon

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clarification on 15 or 16 points while the rest of the room collectively scowls at them for delaying the beer and pizza. At the end of which the WSU talks to you a little about the budget and the results from the online survey and the majority of you groan your approval. It’s called democracy.

327

NEWS

In Their Words “I was Hannah Montana’s mother!

Where did I go wrong?” Brooke Shields commenting on Miley Cyrus VMA performance.

“If you look at [WSU’s] particular concerns, they’re valid,” VUWSA President Rory McCourt.

“To me it’s not a big deal but I worry about the younger girls with lower self-esteem that already have lots of insecurities. But to me it’s just a pathetic, stupid little thing that no-one should really care about.” Former Hamilton Girls’ High student Melanie van den Engel after discovering her high school photo on hot or not.

“The use of chemical weapons in Syria is wrong - and any response would have to be legal, proportionate & designed to deter further outrages,” British Prime Minister David Cameron.

“His words belong to the ages, possessing a power and prophecy unmatched in our time,” US President Obama on the 50th anniversary of Doctor Martin Luther King’s I have a dream speech in Washington.

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the percentage of deposit required to buy a house in New Zealand from October 1ST.

The number of 100-year-old trees felled by a Waikato dairy farmer who was later fined $32,000.

450

70

million, the cost of Waikato’s new Highway.

15,000

elective surgeries performed in the Waikato in the past year. days David Shearer was leader of the opposition.

125

615

7300

square metres to be demolished at Temple View.

3,979

the increase in annual council rent that could see ‘Riding for the Disabled’ close its doors.

269

pages in a clean water plan submitted by Maori in the Waikato.

million dollars made by Madonna, the highest earning entertainer in the last year.

A Thousand Words Is the censoring of this picture too far?

A bunch of travellers thought so as they unsubscribed from Tourism Australia after it was decided to pixelate the Kangaroos genitals. Although tourism Australia are claiming to have censored it as part of the joke “Let it All Hang Out this week at Australia’s Zoo.”

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NEWS

SPORTS THOUGHTS

TOP 3 biggest sporting douches

THE ASHES (ALSO KNOWN AS SHANE WARNE IS A DOUCHEBAG) MICHAEL PHELPS How dare Phelps smoke a bong after becoming arguably the greatest Olympic athlete ever.

If he wondered what it took to make a bit of herbal spice acceptable, I’ve got the answer.

Mass produced fake shit sold in dairies by the Rocky Horror statue.

TIM TEBOW If too much fake tan lotion or Liz Hurley’s gut locker don’t make a man a pompous cockhead with way too much to say, then it’s official, Shane Warne must’ve been born a dickhead. That might seem a strange way to open up a piece about the most glorious moment in the sporting calendar of all time – The Ashes, but Warne’s self appreciative marketing-like bullshit commentary is so vomit worthy, I’d rather listen to any mix made by Hamilton’s wannabe swarm of useless DJs. Okay, I probably wouldn’t go that far, but to say the thrilling finale to the Ashes wasn’t ruined by that diet pill taking boof head is an understatement. The final day of the last game, the fifth of the fifth, was poised to be memorable. Unfortunately, with the result of the series already going to England, they’d chosen to bat like bitches in their first innings, which left Australia doing something admirable for once, declaring their second innings early and adding some spice to the game.

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With England needing a few runs to win, the umpires called the game due to bad light, and everyone shat their pants in unison. Not that England deserved to win.

As I said before, they batted negatively in their first innings for a draw, and a draw is what they got. Karma, plain and simple. If you think otherwise, you’re probably more of a moron than Shane Warne.

Dear Shane. I don’t give two flaming fucks if you eat Faulkner’s turds for breakfast and think he’s going to be amazing. It’s the man’s debut and he got a few wickets, great.

Now shut the fuck up. Whatever you think we’ve heard time and time again, and we don’t need to be reminded about how great a player you think he is, or a step by step analysis of everything he does in the field.

You’re a dickhead, England’s first innings is a dickhead, and Lou Vincent should run for president of the world. West.

C-Ball.

An NFL player who talks way too much about his Christian faith. Won some games and prayed heaps, then the Broncos traded him, then the Jets traded him, and now he’s on a non-guaranteed contract with the Patriots and hasn’t seen too much success in recent times.

God works in mysterious ways.

QUADE COOPER I don’t care about Cooper one bit, or what he does. What I care about, is that he’s such a douche everyone boos him so hard we actually have media stories about whether booing him is unfair or not. This is New Zealand. WE DO NOT TAKE SPORTING FAILURES LIGHTLY – so shut the fuck up and boo the poor bastard, or go pick flowers somewhere quiet.

NEWS

A World of Good Quality Stuff

can bring to the table and whether that aligns with any of the charity’s needs.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the campus swing of things and wind up in a studyrut. These things happen. Sometimes it’s not a lightning-bolt epiphany, nor is it an arduous process, that serves us success and happiness on a silver platter; sometimes it’s simply helping out someone else.

3. Make contact. The Volunteer Registrar of your desired region can outline the process for attending the next fun, action-packed summer camp. Not so keen on committing to an event? Make a donation of your choosing – whether that is in the form of resources, of a monetary nature, your time, or a service. Help these kids and you may or may not win all of the internets.

You’ve heard of Camp America, right? A great adventure, but what about helping kids close to home first? Camp Quality is where it’s at.

Founded by Vera Entwistle, Camp Quality supports children living with cancer, through camps and social events. Vera believed that while we can’t do anything about the quantity of life for these kids, we can do something about the quality. #studentlife aside, if you’re looking for a better outlook on life, consider helping better someone else’s. If that simply means you don mismatched shoes on the charity’s awareness centred Odd Shoe Day, then so be it! Kudos to you! Small selfless actions will do you a world of good.

Three steps for happy-camper-wannabes 1. Get comfortable and pour over www.campqualitynz.org.nz and all it’s possibilities.

2. Where do you fit? Figure out what you

Did You Know?

1. Camps cater for kids aged five to sixteen.

2. Events involve volunteers, such as nurses, lifeguards, companions (supporters to campers), event organisers, graphic designers, photographers, videographers, and elective staff (think: hobbies, sports, crafts and the like).

3. The charity has spent more than $5 million over the last ten years on annual summer camps alone.

4. Odd Shoe Day is an awareness and appeals day held annually. The event is on September 13 this year. // www.campqualitynz.org.nz // info@ campquality.org.nz // 0800 266 778 // // Bank Account 03 0104 0187105 00 // // Dare to wear the oddest pair: 13th September is Odd Shoe Day // Words by Caitlyn.

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NEWS

NOT NEWS Not without some serious smelling salts A Virginia Tech student wrote to Sub Pop Records last week with a very strange request. The student, who was running for Homecoming Queen, asked for Nirvana and in particular; frontman Kurt Cobain to record a message and put it on youtube.

Specifically, it requested the band say this: “What’s up, Virginia Tech? This is Nirvana!

Just wanted to wish you guys a Happy Homecoming Week and good luck at the game this Saturday. LETS [sic] GO HOKIES!” Cobain has been dead for 19 years, leading to the band splitting up.

Seattle wins at Life Having been responsible for Grunge, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Starbucks and Tom Hanks insomnia, Seattle was already pretty high on the cool scale. Then last week it’s police officers gave out 1,000 packs of Doritos to stoners at hempfest with Do’s and Don’ts for smoking pot.

“We thought you might be hungry,” the stickers read. “We thought now might be a good time for a refresher on the do’s and don’ts of I-502,” the cannabis legalization ballot initiative voters passed last year. We are not 100 percent sure, but this could very well be what heaven looks like.

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Way too mature students

WTF: Waikato Times Focus

A 70-year-old Canberra man visited the hospital last week with a 10 cm fork stuck in his penis. There are a lot of things wrong with the sentence but the one that will keep you up at night is the fact that this was not the result of any accident. As you can see by the image the fork was inserted into the man’s penis with the “fork end out.” It turns out the man had inserted it himself to heighten sexual stimulation but it got stuck which led him to see a doctor. In case you were wondering how long you wait before realising that the fork won’t simply fall out, the answer is 12 hours. So to recap: 70 year old man slides base of fork in through urethra, then waits for 12 hours in what he acknowledges was a painful period involving a lot of blood loss. There are so many moving parts here I can’t actually decide which particular one made me throw up in my mouth a little.

Headlines from the Waikato Times.

They shoot Dragons in Russia, don’t they?

Those sneaky Russians are at is again. The online advert for Yekaterinburg mayoral candidate Yakov Silin features a 24-year-old local woman named Anya. In it Anya says she is happy with the levels of security in the city: “I suddenly noticed that for the last couple of years I’m not afraid to walk at night in Yekaterinburg.” The only problem is Anya doesn’t exist. The photo is of Emilia Clarke, better known as Daenerys Targaryen; the mother of Dragons from Game Of Thrones.

The campaign team were looking for photos of attractive young girls on google and decided to use this one after their first choice was identified as Selena Gomez at the last minute. Luckily the ad isn’t likely to cause much damage to Yakov Silin’s campaign because he was later endorsed

by President Putin and according to official results has won next month’s election 103% to 3%.

Cyber crime experts warn of security issues So cybercrime experts are predicting cybercrimes. That’s weird because just the other day Starbucks was predicting it was a good time to buy coffee.

Ex-con plans Hamilton mayoral bid Sadly, (and this is true) you are going to have to be more specific.

Reliance on immigrant doctors ‘huge problem’ I would imagine it isn’t such a “huge problem” for the immigrant doctors, their families who come and settle here, and their communities that also got jobs and pay taxes.

Ruby a rare musical talent We see what you did there. “Rare” because her first name is Ruby, nice wordplay.

Please stop doing that.

Ardern dismisses Labour leadership run In the spirit of ruling ourselves out for jobs we were never in contention for, I would like to say that I will not be appointed Supreme Commander Nato Allied forces nor will I be appointed Vice-Chancellor in the next term.

Fonterra creates new job Sadly, this IS news these days.

Church Accused Of Hypocrisy In other news the Earth revolves around the Sun (to see the second level of this joke Wikipedia Galileo Galilei.)

NEWS

LAST WEEK ON TWITTER...

CARTOON

REMEMBER WHEN WE THOUGHT THIS WAS THE WORST MILEY CYRUS WAS GOING TO GET IM LAUGHING darcy (@mahoneftbieb) August 26, 2013 Saw a brief recap of the MTV video awards, and I have a question: Is Miley Cyrus’ tongue trying to escape from her mouth?

Adam Proteau (@Proteautype) August 26, 2013 If its socially acceptable for Miley Cyrus to dry hump a foam finger on national television I don’t understand how gay marriage isn’t okay. Nico Mico (@NicoleMicoletti) August 26, 2013 Just remember, Miley Cyrus’ publicist is having a worse Monday than you ever could. The Rules (@RulesForBelles) August 26, 2013 Miley Cyrus not a whore, doesn’t charge and lets you watch for free. The Fake CNN (@TheFakeCNN) August 26, 2013 Gross. I went for my morning run and stepped in a huge pile of Miley Cyrus.

Fake J.D. Greear (@FakeJDGreear) August 26, 2013 Seeing Miley Cyrus arse I now feel 100000000000x better about mine, thanks Miley Lucifer. (@doesjesustwerk) August 26, 2013 Judging from Miley Cyrus I gather “twerking” is slang for “losing your immortal soul and consigning yourself to the Ninth Circle of Hell.” John Podhoretz (@jpodhoretz) August 26, 2013 Miley Cyrus, that is the most offensive thing I’ve seen since the Glee Club’s horrifying performance of Push It. Please, somebody stop her. Sue Sylvester (@SylvesterWMHS) August 26, 2013 i dont know what miley cyrus was trying to prove but there’s a difference between growing up and turning into a whore Jack Ben Edwards (@JackBenEdwards) August 26, 2013

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oPINION

Election Debates Wednesday 4th September Waikato Regional Council debate: 1:00pm IN LEVEL ZERO Hamilton City Council debate: 6:30pm IN S.1.03

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OPINION

FILM REVIEW

TOP TEN Top Ten Film Quotes from the Two Thousands.

10_

“They’ve done studies, you know.

60% of the time, it works every time.”

09_ “Very nice, how much?”

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

08_ “Fish are friends, not food.”

07_ “Why so serious?”

06_ “If you can dodge a wrench, you

can dodge a ball.”

05_ “Since when did you become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics?”

“Last night.”

“He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man.”

William Shakespeare.

locking his keys in his car had the cinema in stitches, several in the foetal position, and others checking their pockets.

Highlighting Whedon’s skills at framing and comedical timing.

04_ “Are you a Mexi-CAN or a Mexi-CAN’T?”

03_ “You and I have unfinished business.”

Shakespeare said that. Shakespeare.

This is a modern take, in modern costume, filmed at Whedon’s own home, with black and white film grain tying in the Elizabethan dialogue. The finished product has been criticised as rough and unpolished, but actually gives the piece a relaxed, casual air, consistent with the place of Much Ado in Shakespeare’s catalogue. Not bad when it was shot and chopped in twelve days, as Whedon took an obligated break between filming and editing The Avengers.

While the story gets dark, it’s strewn with comedy from all faucets, which keeps it engaging. The humour varies from the most slapstick, falling down the stairs gags, to the elaborate rhyme and riddles that still baffle. The breadth of which is obvious by how many people in the cinema are laughing; everyone enjoyed it, but one guy understood it. However the lovable fool, Nathan Fillion (Castle, Firefly, Serenity) stole the show in his straight faced absurdity, his throw away scene of

Fortune favours the brave, but Shakespeare loved a bitch and Beatrice delivers. As well as being the most magnetic of the characters, she also utters two of the best lines in the piece, brutally condemning foolish Claudio, “O God, that I were a man! I would eat his heart in the marketplace.” The developing relationship between herself and Benedick is the beef to the burger.

02_ “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

01_

“I have had it with these motherf*cking snakes on this motherf*cking plane.”

Built on deception, vendettas, love and pretense, the story offers everything you want from Shakespeare, and Whedon’s twist drips wit and charisma. In many ways both the perfect place to introduce yourself to Shakespeare, and for literary veterans to enjoy a fresh spinning of an old yarn.

Review in Haiku: Classic plot and prose, Whedon’s camera and wit.

No Buffy. At all.

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OPINION

LETTUCE TO THE EDITOR. Nexus loves getting your letters. We also love it if they are funny, intelligent and well written. Mainly we will be happy if you keep them under 250 words, it saves us having to cut them down. Please remember to give us a real name when you send them in even if you want to write with an alias. Email us at Lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz or... facebook.com/nexusmagNZ

#nexuslettuce.

Dumbells indeed

Letter of Nexus Editor

what up bitches been hitting the gym lately to get ripped like larry the lobster.

Im going to give you some tips to really boost your workout.

Dean of FASS, Robert Hannah, has taken up his new appointment at Waikato University.

When offered an apointment to meet with an alumni ( past post grad president, past WSU Mature Student Officer, past elected member on the Alumni Committee with members in his tenure including VC Brain Gould, VC Crawford, Chancellor Gallegah, and Chancellor Bolger) we found Professor Hannah running scared from reports back from his staff in FASS and reported in too busy to meet via his PA. It reminds me of meeting Chair of Department Mike Goldsmith who was at his office and replied when asked for five minutes to meet at 3.29 pm on Friday that he was late for a 3.30pm meeting and continued to frantically typed on his office computer as I backed away in retreat. Both were at least in their offices unlike most of their faculty on a rainy Friday. Conscience and critic of society is to unconscious and comatose of society as young people paying for unfunded lavish lifestyles of the semiretired is to ?

Hint Unsustainable. Visiting once per month to campus for the past five months it has been interesting to catch unresponsiveness combined with hyperdefensiveness. To see life at 3pm onwards on Friday afternoon for academic staff has been depressing as door after door is closed and lights out. Acting Dean then David Lumsden circled the wagons to protect his FASS staff in excusiology but the fact is Dean Hannah now is too snowed under or rained out getting to grips with his new job to compare the Facebook generation or twitter generation to his Ancient Greek or Roman Antiquaries classics to conclude that the young are not going to fund the ignorant arrogant lifestyles of the semi retired. Ask Professor Bedford about when the young will refuse to pay Rt Hon Jim Bulger’s pensions and refuse to contribute to his cohort who are unsustainable in the current retirement

in just a few weeks you will be the talk of the gym. bitches will dropping their panties as soon as they smell your manly scent.

I usually do my bicep curls in the squat rack sitting on a swiss ball which is a great exercise that works your core while working biceps. do your squats on the curl rack so that you always go down to the same height. remember consistency=better gains i do my bench press on the smith machine using dumbells. dont forget to check yourself out in the mirror every two minutes. with these simple tips you are guaranteed to make gains like you are on steroids. that guy at the gym

Important PSA Dear pornhub.com, If there really were hot singles in my area ready to bang i wouldn’t be using your services.

Regards, Jerking to mileys twerking.

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selfishness, or hubris, as it is currently is set up financially. The fish rots from the head down. Hamilton has got Fluride out of its water so now it is a good time to get the dead fish out of the drinking supply of education.

There is no mana in academic staff not being available from 3pm to 5pm on Friday to see Alumni. (Mana can mean MP Hone Harawera has the emerging young on his side to vote in a better equitable future and to tell off the old who refuse to meet with the young for discussions on a better future in education and society as a whole) R Young. B.Sc., B.Soc.Sc.(Hons)., P.G. Dip. Public Policy. (Post Grad study across schools of Population Studies, Sociology and Political Science and Faculty of Maaori Pacific Development)

Down on the farm I’m disappointed to open Nexus every fortnight to find a column named Slut DJ staring back at me. I’ve never really felt the need to complain about a column let alone write a letter about them, however, did you even read the last three disgusting columns? Those pieces of writing are by far the most offensive things I’ve ever read in your magazine. Do you really need to give idiots like this a platform to spout off their misogynistic views on the world? This guy already has such an ego and he must be borderline retarded if he can’t ever learn from his mistakes. Here, I’ll help you out, if you don’t like the position you find yourself in stop, just stop, stop being arrogant, stop drinking, stop doing drugs and stop sleeping around. Start thinking ahead for crying out loud – what happens when you one day get a girlfriend? Do you think she’d like to be involved with someone with your reputation?

Nexus, help him, help yourselves – fire him immediately. Give him a farming column or something that’s more beneficial to the Waikato as a whole. He sounds like he’d fit right in with the pigs on a farm.

Angry Anne

DISCLAIMER Letters published contain the opinion of the writer and the writer alone. Nexus publications take no responsibility for the content or opinions so expressed. By submitting your letter you give consent to its publication in Nexus and subsequent public scrutiny. Letters are the authors own work and Nexus will not edit to compensate for lack of intelligence or coherency. Nexus reserves the right to edit or refuse to publish any letter which breaches any law, is defamatory to any person, or contains threats of violence or hate speech.

Nexus

Noticeboard Consultation.

The WSU are planning consultation sessions on their annual plan from Monday to Thursday this week 11-1pm every day. Stop in and have a chat with Aaron or a member of the WSU Board about improvements or changes you would like to see happen.

There will also be a separate set of club consultations happening so if you belong to a club and you haven’t seen the email then come and talk to the WSU in the SUB building. Or just come along to the Club Consultation Tuesday and Thursday from 1pm in Guru (in the SUB Building).

You’re Hired! - Improve your Interview and CV skills.

Are you graduating soon, looking for a job or an internship?

Maybe going on to Post-Graduate studies and want scholarship funding?

Do you want to be the one that stands out from the crowd?

Golden Key Waikato is organising a question panel event on interview/CV skills. The panel will include internal and external speakers with relevant backgrounds to answer any questions you may have and bust some myths.

“What do employers look for? How do I answer questions about weaknesses? How do scholarship interviews differ from job interviews? Where can I get career advice on campus?...”

WSU AGM. The AGM is to be held Wednesday 18th September 2013, 1pm in LG.01.

Find out what your WSU has been up to over the last year. Hear about their plans for the future and how they expect to pay for it.

If you have an agenda item you would like considered please contact the WSU prior to 4pm on Tuesday 3rd September.

Any student can attend but you must be a member to vote. To join up or check if you are on the roll please visit the WSU office before 4pm Tuesday 10th September 2013.

The event is open to all students so come along! Wednesday 11th September 2013, 1pm-2pm in S.1.01.

13

entertainment & reviews

LIDO CINEMA film

Elysium Rating: Elysium is not a film which will appeal to everyone.

It’s a science fiction film, but not a nice, tidy, distant sci-fi like Star Wars and Star Trek.

While it is set 150 or so years in the future, it is worryingly close to the realities of the world we live in today. It could be now, with the obvious exceptions made for technology, with the gap between rich and poor growing with every moment.

With Matt Damon, I find it’s hard to go wrong.

As much fun as seeing his disfigured face in Team America, Matt Damon is a shining light of actoring in his generation. He really actors up a storm, wherever he goes, with or without killer bangs. In Elysium, he plays a down-on-his-luck hero archetype, fleeing his criminal past through hard work. Then something ghastly happens and its a race against the clock to get ‘across the border’.

Standing between the rich and poor are an army of the finest special effects I have ever seen.

If you thought Yoda was cool in Episode II , then that’s because you weren’t expecting him to be a murderous death-imp. We’re used to seeing him limping around a swamp. These robots are better than two Yodas. Better than five Yodas. You aren’t expecting them to be anywhere near this good. These robots kill Kong and Gollum and the melty Terminator all at once. They are flawless, brilliantly designed and brutally.

This is a definite big screen movie and I am almost tempted to go and watch it again on the big screen. This time I’ll try to ignore the clunky politics and gaze upon those sexy, sexy robots. And Matt Damon.

Gig

SPARK WRAP PARTY Rating: After quite a massive week of creativity and inspiration (think exhibitions, speakers from different creative practices around the world, and a celebration of arts) for Spark 2013, it was only fitting that the festival ends with a bang. And so it did.

Friday night, despite tiredness from a jampacked week and rainy weather, proved to be a night to remember at the Spark Party over at Static. While Static is hardly a stranger to hosting some of the most talented acts in Hamilton, there is still something to be said about seeing a band perform live for the first time in there.

To give an accurate description of what went down during that evening would be hard, but one word comes to mind: magical. The first act was Auckland DJ Suren Unka, who was playing in Hamilton for the first time. He had a sound that was unique, and you could tell he was having the time of his live during his set.

It was distinct yet cohesive in terms of sound and the feel of his music.

Next up was headlining act Black City Lights from Wellington. About to embark on their US tour, it was nice that we Hamiltonians got to see them before they get big. Take that, hipsters who always say “I knew them before they were cool”! Black City Lights can be described as a dark pop-synth duo but there was nothing dark about their set. They were so good that even when they performed a mash-up of pop culture songs, they still managed to sound underground and alternative.

It was almost as if I was listening to those songs for the first time.

pay & cafÉ

Barzurk Rating: So I have been on a bit of a GrabOne rampage at the moment. But instead of buying things that will just clog up my tiny apartment, I have been buying food. Food, glorious food!

The first restaurant on my long list is Barzurk.

Barzurk is next to Mexico on Victoria Street (weird sentence) and has all the normal marks of a standard restaurant: indoor or outdoor setting, braziers for winter chills, waitresses with friendly smiles who check how your meal is going and those cool glass bottles for water. I would like to add a ‘however’ here but really that about sums the place up. It is just a regular restaurant that serves nice food. Being able to sit out on the sidewalk yet still be dry and warm was great as it meant we could people watch as well as watch all the cars making illegal turns, some of them better than others. I tried a very tasty pizza, some delicious pork ribs and some fries. The red wine was nice to follow the red wine I had already had and we sat outside under a brazier that they turned on especially for us. Barzurk is one of those workhorse type restaurants that remains consistently good and will look after you but might not pour sangria from a taco, like its next door neighbour.

Kathlene Cook

Jess Molina

HOROSCOPES ARIES

taurus

gemini

(21 mar - 20 apr)

(21 apr - 21 may)

(22 may - 21 june)

Wait for a sign to smash the silence with the brick of self control.

From Bryant hall turn left and walk 45 paces till you can see the old tree.

Maybe he never called you back because he loves you too much? Did you ever think of it that way?

14

entertainment & reviews

MARK ONE COMIC

Asterios polyp BOOK

David Mazzucchelli

The Secret Life of

Rating:

James Cook Graeme Lay Rating: There should be more historical novels like this. The greatest adventurer this side of Neil Armstrong certainly provides plenty of material to work with. Of course countless histories and biographies have covered Cook already, but a novel is the ideal form to breathe new life into the legend.

So charged with this task, does Auckland writer Graeme Lay succeed? For the main part, yes. While reading, it’s easy to slip back and believe you’re getting a genuine account of Cook’s adventures. The story is largely told in the third person, but also features a captain’s log and a secret journal that he wrote for his wife Elizabeth.

It’s the ‘secret’ billing in the title that is perhaps the book’s only weakness. Cook’s diary for his wife is rather tame, and anyone looking to find some juicy secrets about the man will be disappointed. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but the title certainly provides promise that isn’t really delivered on.

At times too, the prose can be too much like a smooth ocean, without enough wind to throw some life into it. But Cook was a man of his times, the archetypal English cold fish, so a certain dry style is to be expected.

album

The Big Dream David Lynch Rating:

Ignore the weird name, read ‘Asterios Polyp’; it’s as simple as that. It is David Mazzucchelli’s best work to date: a master class in graphic storytelling. ‘Asterios Polyp’ is a complex and powerfully emotional look at life, love and so much more (and there is no way I’m going to be able to explain it better than that in 250 words!) You should be warned that this is a challenging read, but don’t let that deter you.

What it all boils down to is just an intelligent coming of age story and it’s greatly satisfying.

The Mazzucchelli difference is made clear from the first page, with beautiful and bold art that amazes in its use of colour, stylish line-work and effortlessness. The way Mazzucchelli uses the page is so unique and his ability to combine text and image is so intuitive that it’s no wonder Asterios Polyp is considered to have changed visual storytelling forever. That may sound like I’m over-selling things, but I’m not. The way your eye is drawn across the page is so natural, so effortless, that you’ll be drawn in no matter your level of comic-book reading experience.

Asterios Polyp is a dense read and with so much to absorb that it really demands multiple readings. And you know what? I can’t wait to read it again!

Daniel Petersen http://www.mk1.co.nz/ www.facebook.com/Mark1Comics

Kevin Pryor

David Lynch is always a surprise. Whether you’ve just sat through his film, Inland Empire or The Cleveland Show (he is the voice of Gus), Lynch defies pigeonholing. His on screen work pushes boundaries, emotions and audiences around as he continues to provide a unique perspective. His second solo studio album, The Big Dream, proves that musically he is just as hard to pin down.

The album opens with the title track that rightly posits the album’s affronting blend of electro-pop and spacey blues at the forefront of Lynch’s sound. The song evokes feelings and responses common to Lynch’s work; mostly isolation and paranoia, but there is a positive tinge intermingled there too. It’s Star Dream Girl that proves the most upbeat though. Lynch’s vocals duck and weave through industrial sonics, but this is not inaccessible at all. In fact, it’s a real toe tapper.

The speed on the album moves within a restricted range and the tone too seems constrained. It plays out much like a Lynch film, provoking, haunting and full of surrealist dreamscapes. But unlike Lynch’s mastery with the camera, this music lacks his beautiful touches of colour and his twists and turns.

There are plenty of songs that will grab at those interested in his soundtrack work with Angelo Badalamenti, but standing alone, this music has a coldness to it; a distance between the creator and the audience that feels too hard to cross and does not offer enough incentive to do so.

Hayden Pyke

cancer

leo

virgo

(22 june - 23 july)

(24 july - 23 aug)

(24 aug - 23 sep)

60,480 minutes till study leave.

If you call her back right away, how is she ever going to know you care?

Turn right and walk 17 paces till you come to the clearing.

15

entertainment & reviews

@Honest_Matt Meets

Matt Hicks talks to former Supergroove frontman Karl Steven about his band Drab Doo Riffs new ep ‘Aquatic Ape Theory’, his switch from Kiwi FM to 95bFM and why the band chose to release on Vinyl.

‘Aquatic Ape Theory’ is the name of your new 10-inch vinyl. We must say it’s a great name. Any interesting story of how you came up with the name?

It’s an interesting theory about the origin of humans and how we differ from other great apes. We found it inspiring.

How long did your new ep ‘Aquatic Ape Theory’ take to make?

Aaaages. We’ve been working on it in one way or another for over a year. Ultimately it was just a few days in the studio but vinyl takes a long time to press and we ran into a few problems along the way...delays. It was worth the effort getting it out though, we’re super happy with it.

laptops are designed for.

Who helped out in the making of the album? Any other producers or musicians?

We played all the instruments and produced it; Tom Anderson was the track-lay engineer and Simon Gooding engineered the overdubs, mixing, and mastering.

Any standout tracks on the album you think we really gotta listen out for?

I like the whole thing but perhaps I like the title track the most. The whole thing is only 20 minutes long so it’s probably worth diving right in.

Do you have any music videos in the works?

Yep one just came out for Tesla Girl. You can watch it on The Herald’s website at the moment. Plus there’s the promo video called Aquatic Ape Theory. They’re both animated by our bass player. They go together.

labeling the parts of the brain. Electricity was a big inspiration too. The promo video and the Tesla Girl video sum it all up pretty nicely I think. Science fiction films are a big influence too.

How would you describe your sound to someone not in the know? (i.e. your/or someone else’s grandma) I wouldn’t ideally. It’s definitely music. There’s a punk dimension and a surf dimension. Surf noir we call this EP. What did you think of the state of the NZ music scene at the mo?

I try just to focus on making music the best I can so I’m no expert but there seems to be lots of good stuff around. People are happy to come out to see it so it seems good to me?

What’s been your proudest achievement as a band thus far?

This record, the video, all our four EP release show. Still enjoying getting together to make stuff.

Why Vinyl?

We think our music sounds best off record.

Also laptops don’t play records so it encourages people to listen to it on a machine built for listening to music rather than whatever

What artist’s/bands/things inspire/influence The Drab Doo Riffs?

Loads of art/science/philosophy/animals.

This EP mentions Aquatic Ape Theory, Nikola Tesla, and cats as well as quoting Catullus and

libra

scorpio

sagittarius

(24 sep - 23 oct)

(24 oct - 22 nov)

(23 nov - 21 dec)

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels, doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles. Try some - they may be your new favourite things.

It’s been two weeks. Surely your flatmate has calmed down by now.

Remain calm, that way they won’t expect it.

16

Full interview available at sounzgood.co.nz

08 entertainment & reviews

COOL VS NOT COOL

eight ball

tHREE THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME RIGHT NOW AND THREE THINGS THAT AREN’T SO MUCH. COOL Sass.

As in being a sassy bitch in general, like TSwifty at the VMA’s.

STFU Harry Styles.

Just STFU.

Welcome to the 8 ball. In the depths of my gooey black ass I will answer the secrets OF THE universe. You may not like MY answerS but lets be honest who else is going to tell you the truth, ugly.

Who gives a fuck anymore?

Jesus. Actually no he doesn’t.

Is Miley damaged in a good way or just white trash?

Miley is just being Miley, climbing to new heights and partying in the USA. See what I did there?

Snow. It won’t be around forever, that is until global warming brings around another ice age and we get to freak out over winter GoT style. For now, go build a snowman on Ruapehu before bikini + boardshort weather.

Staplers full of staples. It’s the small things in life that make us truly happy.

If you were a superhero what would your powers be?

I would want to be able to make things float. Is that weird? It’s just my bag is so dam heavy and sometimes I wish I could make it float beside me.

What chance is there of an old white guy being named Labour Leader?

Ha-ha-ha-ha. A better question would be will the Labour party ever actually pick a ‘leader’?

Do you think there is a portrait of Aaron Letcher locked away in a basement somewhere just getting older and older.

How do know what’s in my basement? Creep.

NOT COOL

If John Key sees his shaddow will there be 12 more weeks of winter?

Winter is coming...again.

Snapchat?

I dunno, I still abuse it… but there are whispers that temporary pictures of your friends pulling ugly faces isn’t really worth the price of data.

What are the chances of getting *NSYNC to play ORI14 Baby bye bye bye. Bro, get some Nesian Mystik all up in your ear drums.

Getting fucking wasted and severing your hand while in the process of destroying a bookshelf with a machete. “I was chopping firewood. At 1am. My breath naturally smells of 750ml of mid-range rum.”

Should someone tell Taylor Swift to shut the fuck up?

Dearest Taylor Swift, Pipe the fuck down. Bitch.

Love Magic 8 Ball

Too much 90s nostalgia. Captain planet was cool. In our mind, grunging up a la Miley and her mini hair buns was never really ever cool... Not even in full 1996 faded denim with matching anti-establishment attitude and dark red lipstick.

Embrace the now, people.

capricorn

aquarius

pisces

(22 dec - 20 jan)

(21 jan - 19 feb)

(20 feb - 20 mar)

At the clearing walk 25 paces up the bank by the trees. There is gold in them there hills, gold I tells ya.

Look for the X, then dig. Dig like you have never dug before. You will either find treasure or the other half of the WMS yearly operating budget.

If you have read these horoscopes in order you may believe there is a treasure map.

Please do not dig up the campus looking.

Of course, that is what we would say if we wanted to keep the treasure for ourselves.

17

entertainment & reviews

Puzzle Page Complete the puzzle page, be the first to bring it in and show us, and you’ll win stuff!

Each oval contains a different number 1-11. Follow the clues to find the correct location of each number in the Numerator diagram.

Note: ‘Left’ or ‘Right’ is from your point of view and means any location along the same horizontal line. ‘Above’ or ‘Below’ means any location along the same vertical line.

Clues: Number 8 is below 1 and right of 3.

Number 7 is above 11 and left of 2.

Number 6 is below 10 and left of 1.

Number 5 is below 9 and left of 7.

Number 6 is right of 4.

Across 1. Second sign of the zodiac (6) 4. Professional cook (4) 7. Desert plants (5) 8. Arm bone (5) 10. Pressing (6) 12. Sprocket (3) 14. Beverage (3) 15. Provide evidence for (6) 18. Proprietor (5) 19. Saying (5) 20. Profit (4) 21. Ravine (6)

Down 1. Diplomacy (4) 2. Unsure (9) 3. Merge (5) 5. Search for food (6) 6. Female relative (4) 9. Essential (9) 11. Fish trap (3) 13. Powerful (6) 15. Halo (4) 16. Crown-like headdress (5) 17. Blood vessel (4)

5 letter words AISLE CABIN CYCLE

EASEL EDICT ENTER NADIR OASIS SLICE STEEL TASTE TRAPS 6 letter words ORACLE SCHEME SCYLLA WIZARD

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7 letter words ABSENCE AMNESIA ANSWERS CITADEL CONTACT DETESTS HABITAT IGNEOUS LATERAL MAESTRO MUSCLES THEOREM

LIFESTYLE

19

Feature

Indie Elitism vs The Mindless Blockbuster

Pit any blockbuster hit against any indie darling film, and you will notice a distinct set of characteristics typical of each genre.

Blockbusters usually have high budgets – evident in costuming, set, celebrity calibre, and a loud, heavy score. There’s complicated action sequences and overwrought drama and scenes that are specifically designed to uplift and empower you. Those of the independent school are typically nuanced and their acting talent, regardless of 20

height of fame, are presented quirkily with unpredictable dialogue and plot devices.

Neither of these is predominantly better than the other. Both types of cinema offer viewer satisfaction and entertainment, despite what the hipsters have told you. It’s film festival time in Hamilton again, and now is perfect timing to test out both sides of the film trade and appreciate the abundant list of cinematic pros derived from both mainstream and independent filmmaking.

feature

Independents Lido Cinema, Sunday 25th August, 6.23pm. I’ve forgotten to book tickets to hugely popular and well-reviewed Much Ado About Nothing, directed by pop culture stalwart Joss Whedon. Negligent. Thankfully, other more prepared individuals forfeited their tickets by not bothering to turn up and I hustle to the last remaining seats, front row in my first film festival experience.

For some, the mere mention of independent film draws involuntary eye rolls and attention deficit. Film festival productions are for film society members, the comfortably rich, and… wrong. So wrong. Joss Whedon (Buffy, Avengers) and Sofia Coppola (Marie Antoinette, Lost in Translation, and that time her dad thought she could act i.e the Godfather Part III) are among a number of recognisable names and faces endearing the indie status of such a festival to those more entrenched in the mainstream. Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing is slightly less intimidating when packaged and handed to you by a guy who made his name in television starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. Coppola’s work, The Bling Ring, is centred on celebrity obsession and was partly shot in Paris Hilton’s actual house. The MTV generation has segued into the indie realm.

Alongside these household figures, Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston play with the already overplayed vampire theme, and Frodo decides to portray the creep again in Maniac, a film banned outside of film study and festivals.

The NZIFF is not the snobby butler refusing to lead your muddy chucks down a dark, high ceilinged corridor with a candle. The NZIFF is the peppy camp counsellor making your transition into challenging independent cinema involving and comfortable. You already know some of the attendees; you’re going to fit in just fine.

The NZIFF is self-sustaining, financed by a charitable trust and operating as a not-for-profit, which partially explains the $12.50 student pricing. I assumed the majority of Hamiltonians would unaffectedly let the opportunity slide on by, since friends and acquaintances left me with many a “Oh, I didn’t even know that was on.” Clearly misled by this preface, the Lido was packed when I arrived on the Sunday night, and if their Facebook posts are to be believed, they’ve sold out most of the screenings thus far.

Hamiltonians are about the arts? I had a quick chat with the old dude next to me, who was clearly excited and really, really into film - but without lifting his voice to one condescending note the entire conversation. The best kind of fangirl.

Most of the audience was in fact, at about 50% grey hair.

It was a modern adaptation of Shakespeare after all… but it was also Joss Whedon. I doubt half the audience shipped Buffy and Angel in the 90s; did the younger generation happen to fall into an extended weekend hangover? Could they not appreciate the versatility of a director who could move from big budget Marvel blockbuster to black and white shot-in-his-own-backyard indie piece? The humour was modern and a little meta, which I would’ve giggled at even if I were 16 and had no concept of the cultural weight of Romeo and Juliet. Where

were you all at?!

If indie films are this approachable and inoffensive (Elijah Wood excluded), is it merely the expensive price tag that’s turning us away? I’d love to know the average age of those who went to see We’re the Millers last week, compared to any Film Festival showing. Nexus can appreciate the mood when you want to be entertained into intellectual numbness, believe us, but you are heavily, heavily encouraged to attend at least one of the festival’s show times before they leave town. We particularly advise you to choose blindly and dive right in, sidelining any expectations with an open mind.

Here is your reality check; film festivals are not scary (Elijah Wood excluded), or snobby, or all serious all of the time. More often than not, they’re more satisfying than any cheap Tuesday run at Hoyts or Event Cinemas with the bonus that you’ll never get fat because you can only afford popcorn OR ice cream at Lido. Not both.

Blockbusters Hollywood loves their adaptations. Take for example the highest grossing films of 2012; The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, The Hunger Games, Skyfall and The Hobbit.

All adaptations of either books or comics, all have sequels in the making and all had multi-million dollar budgets. The Hollywood blockbuster is becoming synonymous with the adaptation. When movie studios have the pick of the world’s best script writers, why are they turning to classic novels and comic books for their source material? I think it has something to do with comfort.

Turning on the news at 6pm can be saddening and upsetting, making it an imperative that entertainment be safe, comforting and reassuring. When we don’t know what’s going on with our own government, we don’t want our entertainment to be the same. Take The Avengers; a group of misfit heroes who come together for the greater good. Not a new concept, not even new characters, but it earned US$600 million at the box office. We know what’s going to happen. Iron Man can’t possibly die; he’s still got The Avengers 2 and Iron Man 4 to get through.

Think of blockbusters as your security blanket, your teddy bear. They’re becoming the fairytales of our generation.

Our gentle milkmaid doesn’t need to be saved from the dragon. The milkmaid needs to fight the system which is keeping her on minimum wage and not giving her access to tertiary education. Stories which empower the youth, telling them that their struggles aren’t worth it.

We are fortunate enough to have the technology available where movies can be real as your right hand. 3D movies allowed for us to move even further into their world. There were stories about audiences coming out of Avatar and suffering from depression because they could not live on Pandora. Escapism is important. Escapism is what we need. Art house elitism might tell us we’re all consumers being fed the same old crap, but sometimes we need that security blanket, we need to be told everything will be okay; and if that makes us consumers, then so be it.

21

feature

Nexus Meets Actual Film Makers

Ben Woollen and Scott Granville are co-owners of Chasing Time Productions.

What is Chasing Time Productions?

Chasing Time Productions is an independent multi-media company based in Hamilton.

What do you do?

All kinds of things. We have completed a whole range of projects, from feature and short films, through to music videos and television shows. One of the great things about our work is that we choose the projects we want to be involved in and that means we generally have creative control over what we produce.

Why did you decide to start a production company? And a production company in Hamilton?

We spent about 18 months from late 2006 until early in 2008 trying to complete a feature film, Pictures of You. It was an absolutely daunting task just getting the project off the ground but we were a little bit younger and a lot more naïve at that stage. We didn’t realise until well into the process that it was the first time a full-length digital feature film had been shot in Hamilton. There was an amazing group of people who got behind the project, from the cast and crew through to family and friends, and eventually we managed to get it completed. And then we realised that 22

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when you finish shooting a film it is only the beginning of the process. It was a massive learning curve and a reality check for what it takes to get a film into the public arena.

Once Pictures of You was completed we decided to start a production company and do what we probably should have done in the beginning which is make short films and work on writing feature scripts. And while people generally migrate to Wellington or Auckland to do that sort of thing we decided there was an opportunity to try and make it work in Hamilton.

yourself with good people is probably the most important part of the process. Hamilton has an incredible pool of talented, creative individuals and if you have a strong story idea and a belief in the project you are well on your way.Funding is always difficult to secure and unless you have an angel investor or a sugar daddy/momma willing to invest in you, it becomes a bit of a dogfight to win a chunk of the public creative funding available. Creative Waikato has been extremely supportive of us over the past five years and the grant money we have successfully applied for has been the main reason for completing our projects.

What happened next?

How do you get people to watch your film?

Since Pictures of You we have completed a number of projects and over the past three years we have had our short films screen at international film festivals in Europe, North America, Asia and Australia. We have also worked on a number of music videos with some of Hamilton’s most talented musicians, made a television show and completed corporate videos for some of the world’s biggest brands (which sounds a lot more glamorous than it actually is).

How do you go about making a film?

Where does the money come from?

Filmmaking is collaborative and surrounding

Around 2010 we realised we weren’t looking at the bigger picture of audience and distribution and the business side of filmmaking. Over the past few years we have learned the importance of networking and of course social media. Getting into international film festivals is a pretty major achievement and something we are really proud of but acceptance is only the start. Attending the festivals and meeting as many people as possible (filmmakers, producers, distributors) is just as important as your film screening because unfortunately a big part of moving up the ladder is all about who you know and what they think about you. VOD platforms are

also making huge inroads into the traditional distribution model and this is a great way to get seen as an independent filmmaker.

What now?

Serve and Protect is our latest short film and is the second part of a ‘comedy trilogy’ following on from Pride of Caldwell. The series is set in the fictional rural town of Caldwell and follows the sole police officer, Darryl Kitchen, as he attempts to maintain law and order. We are hoping to turn Pride of Caldwell into a web series early next year.Our feature script, Hoping for Larry, has just received Early Development Funding from the New Zealand Film Commission and hopefully this will take some major steps forward in 2014.

Also we are hosting the Hamilton International Short Film Showcase as part of this year’s Fringe Festival. The event is on Wednesday 2 October from 6.15pm at the Lido Cinema and features eight amazing short films from around the world.

Find us: www.chasingtimeproductions.co.nz — https://www.facebook.com/pages/ Chasing-Time-Productions/195458267152656 — https://twitter.com/ChasingTimeFILM 23

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NZUSA EDITION Who should you be pointing fingers at now?

How did we get here?

Let’s start with the obvious. Most students have no clue what NZUSA is. If asked most would suggest it was an American summer camp programme, it isn’t. By the end of this article we are hoping you learn two things: The first is that the New Zealand Union of Student Associations performs a vital and significant role in advocating for your rights on issues that affect students, that includes everything from voluntary student membership to a living wage and the continuing fight for free education.

24

In its purest, uncut form NZUSA is good shit. The second thing we hope you will learn is that NZUSA is a hellish nightmarescape of mediocrity and temerity that is currently being used as a punching bag to push agendas or jumpstart political careers. NZUSA has become the epicentre of inept student media, which in turn is creating a smokescreen for real administrative failure.

In short NZUSA is like that video tape in the movie “The Ring”. If you get involved, take an interest, or even watch

feature

it to the end there is a good chance you will die. Well maybe not die, but close.

In the last few weeks it seems most of the major student association’s (and Auckland) have come to the same point WSU did a week or two ago. NZUSA is in need of a major overhaul. The problem is that before we go fixing things we should really try and figure out who or what is breaking it all in the first place.

Following those calls he has suggested the he was cut from the reform process by OUSA, VUWSA and AUSA. But at the end of the day the question will need to be asked if he was cut because of his stance on NZUSA or whether it was the pro-VSM anti union stigma he has had since he first got elected. The important question is would NZUSA be rehabilitated and returned to where it should be under the guiding hand of Aaron who never really believed in the role it would perform in the first place.

Why Pete Hodkinson is to blame: It almost seems a little ironic to use the phrase “let’s start at the top”, because NZUSA President Pete Hodkinson seems less evil genius and more Lee Harvey-Oswald. At the end of the day he is being pulled in a lot of directions but it is still going to be him holding the gun when all this is over. NZUSA was already a shadow of its former self when Pete was elected, but his real failing seems to me that Max Hardy (former President) gave him lemons and Pete has made more lemons. In the brave new world of VSM it wasn’t good enough just to do stuff, you also needed to be seen to be doing stuff and with such a diverse constituency of members Pete needs to show

Why Fran (OUSA), Dan (AUSA) and Rory (VUWSA) are to blame: Because the first two rules of Fight Club are that you don’t talk about Fight Club. Three student body Presidents went out of their way to play the hero. They issued a joint press release that read like a love letter and painted the WSU President as a mustache twirling villain. I am not going to fight for Aaron’s reputation, (he can do that himself) but the reality is all they have managed to accomplish is to thrust themselves into a national spotlight without offering any practical solutions on what needs to change or how they need to do it. I am a Greens voter and it should seem apparent that I am a fan of NZUSA and the role it needs to

what he is doing and how it is going to benefit each group. He needs to streamline NZUSA and unite it’s members behind one or two common goals and then print fortnightly graphs for everyone showing them what we are doing to achieve the goal.

play, what I am not a fan of is shameless self-aggrandizing particularly if it is doing the organisation more harm than good. But then again it isn’t like any of them would be doing it for the publicity. I mean it isn’t like any of them are running for city council.

Why Alistair Shaw is to blame: Alistair Shaw is the executive director of NZUSA. In theory he is the go to guy, the full time staff member who is employed to make the trains run on time regardless of who is elected his boss.

Why Student Media is to blame: Because fact and opinion are two entirely separate things and unless we are willing to differentiate between the two and be conscience and critic of our own universities, our own student associations and hold everyone to a higher standard then I don’t know what the hell we are doing anymore. After this article the whole damn NZUSA argument moves away from the feature section and back to where it belongs in the news pages. Where it will have quotes and present balance where a reasonable case for balance exists. Since the NZUSA story broke just before the holiday we have seen misquotes, slanted blogs and opinion pieces dressed up as news and that is something that will not happen here. It has never, and will never be the job of Nexus Magazine to make the case of the WSU President or anyone else but where it is newsworthy we will write it.

When Paul Reynolds was offered a shit tonne of money to fly to New Zealand and take over as CEO of Telecom he stated that the role of the CEO was to create and deliver on a strategy that translates the vision and direction of a board into a reality. Which is a roundabout way of saying that if Pete Hodkinson says to Alistair Shaw “Let’s get fortnightly empirical evidence out to every member association on a fortnightly basis showing them what we have done and why we have done it,”then that’s on Alistair. If Pete says “We need to cut down our spending and face the reality that Member Unions can’t afford big fees and no KPIS or progress indicators” then that is on Alistair. If Pete said “Keep the Polytech goals and reporting separate” then that is on Alistair. At the end of the day, in my opinion, this tale will ultimately be about a failure to lead or an inability to deliver administrative outcomes.

Why Aaron Letcher is to blame: If Aaron ever published an autobiography it should be called “The ginger who kicked every hornets nest.” The veracity and sheer delight he took in taking apart each and every aspect of NZUSA and it’s failures was appalling.

The cult like following he has from Young Nats around the country ready to take up the sword is scary. Worse than all of this is the fact that he is 100% justified in doing what he has done... so far. It is believed that it was Aaron who was calling the other institutions and letting them know his opinion on what he felt were necessary changes.

Is there anyone else left?

Not really. That is pretty much the spectrum. We could make it an attack on you Nats or Young Labour or ideologies and party positions in general. This might be the last time I write a ranty two page feature so maybe the only other person left to blame is me.I could have written stories about the good work NZUSA was doing three years ago, like campaigns against VSM or student debt. I didn’t, because none of that was interesting. NZUSA is a bit like a reliable car. When it was running fine I didn’t give a shit, now that it is involved in a four car pile up and all the drivers are screaming at one another I am out there wanting to see the whole damn thing.

25

WSU

Veeps Letter of Resignation.

After effectively completing a busy few weeks that have included Haikinakina, the International Students’ Noho Marae trip, planning for Kingitanga day and the National Maori Student Conference Te Huinga Tauira, I have made the decision to resign from my position as the Vice-President Maori, effective today.

While my journey with the WSU has been a great learning curve for me both socially and spiritually, I have recognized a need to take a step back to focus on my whanau, my studies, and my own abating health. This decision has not been an easy one, however, all three of those aspects of my life have been left vulnerable over the past months. I have decided to make what I believe is the best decision for myself, my family, and the student body that the WSU represents.

President’s Column

Serving as the Vice-President Maori on the WSU board has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my time at University and I hope Simba Marama-Lyon has an enjoyable time performing the role next year. I look forward to offering him support and advice as he transitions into the role.

NZUSA is broken. We aren’t sure when it happened, but our estimates indicate it was probably sometime between 2011 and Max Hardy.

I would like to genuinely thank the Board of Directors and staff for all the support that they have given me, and the student body that gave me such a wonderful opportunity to serve as Vice-President Maori.

The WSU environment has been one of support, learning and laughter, which has enabled me to accomplish the re-establishment of good relationships with important Maori groups on campus, review the Vice-President Maori position and implement much needed changes, and host important events such as the National Maori Student Conference Te Huinga Tauira – held here last week, an excellent note to go out on.

I wish you all the best, Nga manaakitanga ki runga ki a koutou, Te Wairere Ngaia

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An Open Letter to Anyone Who Will Listen.

While it would be easy to blame the introduction of Voluntary Student Membership, that alone cannot explain the plethora of problems that NZUSA is currently facing. The heart of the problem lies in a failure to focus on core business such as lobbying and grassroots campaigns, and a membership base that is quite literally tearing the organization in two.

No matter which way you spin it, the needs of University associations and Polytechnic associations are too distinct and different to reconcile. The effect of VSM has disproportionately crippled Polytechnic associations who were not well established, had a smaller asset base and less cash reserves to call on to bridge the gap between what

institutions are prepared to pay in Service Level Agreements and what it actually costs to deliver the services they are contracted to provide. These associations are dropping like flies and require basic yet time consuming support such as negotiating individual contracts.

Comparatively University associations are in much better shape, and are looking for an NZUSA that can co-ordinate nationwide campaigns and effectively engage with government on our behalf, so that come budget day we don’t see another onslaught targeting our most vulnerable groups of students.

For the past two years students have been hit hard, and NZUSA needs to front up and accept that their gross underperformance has been a contributing factor.

Aaron Letcher

WSU

Citizens Advice Bureau Can She Drive?

Mei has just arrived from China and her flat is too far from University to bike.

She can afford an old car, but wonders how to get a licence.

Mei can drive on an overseas driver licence or international driving permit for 12 months after arriving in NZ. (The licence must be translated into accurate English by an accredited translator). Before 12 months is up, she must convert it to a NZ licence. She will need a theory test and maybe a practical driving test as well. There is lots of information about licences and other things to do with driving and vehicles from the NZ Transport Agency fact sheets on the website www.nzta.govt.nz.

Or available from the CAB office.

Before buying a car she needs to get information about what she needs to do before she purchases the car.

The Citizens Advice Bureau has a lot of information on buying cars. They can give you information about this or other inquiries you might have. Visit them at the Village Green by Waikato Print 11am – 1pm, Mon – Fri or phone 0800FORCAB

Young Workers Ask Amber Resource Centre

Life sucks sometimes.

Babies. They’re everywhere.

Maybe I’m just noticing them more because my lady of two years has just given birth to our daughter – a nine pound beast with the lungs of a Tyrannosaurus Rex (she’s actually rather gorgeous).

My newfound fatherhood has also made me notice something else: New Zealand is sadly lacking when it comes to paid parental leave entitlements.

In fact, Aotearoa has the second worst maternity entitlements in the OECD ahead of only the United States. Kiwi parents are currently entitled to 14 weeks paid leave, while the OECD average is 19 weeks. And it’s not just a matter of how many weeks, pay thresholds must also be considered when making comparisons and we are not too flash in that respect either. The maximum weekly pay mums can get is around $480 a week and it goes up or down depending on how much they earned before taking leave.

This issue has recently been brought to light

by Sue Maroney’s bill to extend paid leave to 26 weeks, a figure far more in line with current research that supports babies prolonged exposure to their parents in that crucial first year – something that doesn’t happen if mothers are forced to return to work after 14 weeks to make ends meet.

Young parents stand to gain the most from a better paid parental leave package, being typically on the lower end of the pay scale.

Not to mention the fact that a lot of young mums have barely had the chance to establish themselves in the workforce or could even be grappling with single-parenthood.

Firstly, welcome back everyone. I hope you all used your breaks wisely and caught up with studies, friends and family.

Secondly, I want to talk about this thing called ‘life’. Life sucks sometimes. Life sometimes challenges you just to see how much you can tolerate. In some cases we just whinge about it and eat a big mac combo upsized to large with a double chocolate sundae or we fix it…….

As individuals we all deal with unexpected circumstances differently. Whether that is to face the problem head on or just to wait it out and let it go away by itself. I am not saying either of these options are right or wrong but if you leave something too long it can sometimes escalate.

The unfortunate reality that I see in my line of work, is that most of the problems don’t go away they just get bigger. As a past student myself this usually manifests itself by way of, either being too overloaded and starting to miss deadlines or not being able to cover expenses and running into financial difficulty.

The key to managing problems is to acknowledge quickly that the problem exists and work out a plan to solve it, if the problem seems unsolvable that’s where we come in. Even if you can’t quite work out what the problem is sometimes working with us we can help identify the issue. We’re kinda good like that ;) If you feel like you have yourself in a little bit of a pickle come and speak to me. If I can’t help I usually always know who can. Flick me a message on 027 2065 011 or feel free to email on advocacy@wsu.org.nz Amber the Advocate 27

Lifestyle

Nom Nom Nom What’s up scallywags? So, a new addition to the food page, pay attention and find your inner chef. Thought we might start with a classic, Spag Bowl.

Ingredients

Directions

1 large onion (diced) 3-4 cloves garlic (minced) 800 g minced beef 2x 400g tinned tomatoes 3-4 Tbs tomato paste 2 Tbs brown sugar 2 bay leaves 1 handful of basil Salt and Pepper for seasoning dash of balsamic vinegar (optional) Fresh herbs to garnish

1. Dice that onion into small pieces (goggles on, safety first guys), followed by garlic. At the same time get a large pot of water (with salt) boiling.

2. Oil a large pan on a medium to high heat, throw in onions and garlic, cook to translucent and season with salt and pepper. Extra points for not crying while cooking the onions.

3. Remove from pan, turn up to high heat, mince into the pan, add some salt and cook away till meat is cooked through.

4. Add onions, garlic, tinned tomatoes, tomato paste, sugar, bay and basil. Turn down heat and let simmer for 20 mins, until nice and thick.

5. Get your pasta into that boiling water, and cook till ‘el dente’, follow instructions on the packet, drain, add a Tbs butter and serve.

6. Cover in meat sauce and consume without spilling food down your front. T- sauce is hard to get out of clothes. Enjoy guys.

If you guys get stuck head across to my facebook page, Cooking for students, or better yet a whole range of how-to videos on my Youtube channel, Cooking4Students.

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LIFESTYLE

Little Beer Corner

supposed to and made us look good.

While being perfectly content to watch from the sidelines it was not to be the case.

Before too long our name started appearing on screen as the medal winners were announced. Cider, bronze. Doris Plum Cider, silver. Drop Hop Cider, gold and wait for it, the trophy for best cider in the country. It’s fair to say we made some noise. Next up it was time for the beersies to win some prizes and we managed to collect three bronzes for our Belgian Dubbel, Hopeless Romantic and IPA. We were stoked.

Beervana (the second bit).

It’s been a long time coming but here goes with part two of the Beervana story.

After a long night of celebrating Friday dawned and there were some sore heads at breakfast. Too bad, Beervana was kicking off at 11am and we had a stand to tend to. We knew there were more than 50 breweries represented this year and hundreds of beers so we had to bring our A game. I think the trophy and medal haul from the previous night helped us out and drove curious Beervanians in our direction to see what all the fuss was about. Who are these cats from Hamilton and what’s this about a cider with hops in it?

The trip South went without a hitch. No speeding tickets, no van sickness and the requisite pie stop at BP in Taihape saw us safely arrive in Wellington on Thursday afternoon. After some crimping, preening and a couple of pre show looseners the crew was ready to attend the New Zealand Brewers Guild Awards dinner. We were all juiced up; the brewers were ready to nerd it up with their brewing brethren, the Beirdo’s were keen to try and out-nerd the brewers while at the same time bathe in their glow, New Guy was kissing babies and shaking hands all over the place and us old buggers were just glad to be there. The ladies did what they were

The festival was a blast. With great feedback from punters we walked away with a pretty good idea that we are on the right track. Four

Beervana sessions and just shy of 10,000 punters later we had a mountain of empty kegs to bring home. A nice problem to have.

In between manning the stand and telling tales about Good George beer and cider each of us managed to get around and sample our fair share of what was on offer. For my money I loved the festival brew stand, all of these beers were made with the omission of at least one of the four main ingredients in beer. Through the haze I can remember a Cherry Beer that won a trophy and something else that tastes like sour apples – awesomeness.

One thing about Beervana that isn’t spoken about enough is the quality of the food. Most of Wellington’s top restaurants attend the festival and sell one or two simple dishes that are fantastic and very well priced. Pulled pork sandwiches, handmade dumplings, fresh fish sliders – there’s something for everyone.

In wrapping up I’ll say that we had an amazing weekend. It was nice to win some prizes but the real gold was in getting to try what’s new in brewing in New Zealand while at the same time show off what our little brewery in the Tron has to offer.

Nathan Sweetman

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29

LIFESTYLE

Auteur Film debuts to remember them by.

Last week we looked at the final roles of a handful of movie stars. This week the topic is memorable film debuts. Not all actors hit one out of the park their first time at bat.

Humphrey Bogart, for example, waited 11 long years before becoming a creditable leading man, paying his dues in minor supporting roles. However, some stars start as they mean to go on. Here’s a list of a few of them.

All titles are stocked by Auteur House.

1. The Mercury Players in Citizen Kane (1941).

Though Kane was not technically the debut of either Orson Welles or Joseph Cotten it was the first time either had appeared before the camera in a professional feature.

When you add into the mix the likes of Agnes Moorehead, Everett Sloane, Ray Collins and Ruth Warrick, Welles’ masterpiece was responsible for more long term careers than any other film in history.

2. Richard Attenborough in In Which We Serve (1942). Playing a cowardly sailor who freezes under pressure in Noel Coward’s classic World War II propaganda piece, Dickie has no lines of dialogue. A purely physical debut of such power had not be seen since the silent era.

3. Lauren Bacall in To Have and Have Not (1944). If Bacall’s husband had to wait over a decade to become an A-lister the 19 year old became an instant star teaching Humphrey

Bogart how to whistle. The first of four Bogart and Bacall screen pairings, this loose adaptation of the Hemingway novel initiated a career that’s still going strong today.

4. Jane Russell in The Outlaw (1944). Shot in 1941 by breast obsessive billionaire Howard Hughes, this minor, even dull western - a version of the Billy the Kid story - became embroiled in controversy and battles with the censors. At issue was the size of Miss Russell’s cleavage. Whilst her mammaries made her star, Russell’s genuine - if limited talent kept her one for the next 15 years.

4. Richard Widmark in Kiss of Death (1947).

Like James Cagney and Edward G Robinson before him, Widmark achieved notoriety playing gangsters before segueing into good guy roles. His first hoodlum - a giggling psychopath who pushes an old lady in a wheelchair down some stairs - is arguably the nastiest in all of film noir.

5. Robert Duvall in To Kill a Mockingbird (1962). It took another ten years and The Godfather to turn Duvall into a bona fide leading man but he is stunningly good as Boo Radley, a largely mute character on which the plot of the Harper Lee book turns.

6. Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins (1964).

Overlooked in favour of Audrey Hepburn in the film adaptation of My Fair Lady, Andrews was rescued by Walt Disney. There could not have been a more perfect marriage of talent and part. She won an Oscar on debut and with The Sound of Music breaking box office records the following year, the biggest star in the world.

Richard Swainson

Google This Procrastination or education; the power is in your hands.

Neil Hilborn’s OCD Poem http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=5de4294Uebo You might think that poetry isn’t your thing, but this is slam poetry and is guaranteed to make you tear up (even a little bit) or I’ll eat my hat Introducing World Lens http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=h2OfQdYrHRs Ever wished you could translate text instantly? World Lens is an app which lets you translate words picked up by your phone’s camera, into Portuguese, German, Italian, French or Spanish without needing an internet connection Garbage into Street Art http://www.junk-culture.com/2013/08/streetartist-francisco-de-pajaro-turns.html We love street art, and these guys are creepy and kookier than most Kickstarter | Be Natural: The Untold Story of Alice Guy-Blache http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/benatural/ be-natural-the-untold-story-of-alice-guy-blache Did you know the first female film director was also the first female movie studio owner AND one of the most prominent film makers in the industry? I didn’t. If you’ve got some spare cash (good joke), think about donating to this Kickstarter project Porn Sex vs Real Sex: The Differences Explained With Food http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=q64hTNEj6KQ There are some of you who need to watch this, asap.

30

lifestyle

Campus Style

31

lifestyle

Louise vs The World Of brown spots and anxiety.

At 20 years old, sitting in a doctor’s office, I never expected to be told that my birthmark could be cancerous. Not cancerous in 20 years, or 50 years. Cancerous now. It’s just a little brown blob smaller than a pebble, about half way down my spine. Apparently my grandfather had one exactly the same. “What a treacherous birthmark” were my immediate thoughts. How could it betray me? I’d always worn it proudly, I’d never tried to hide it or cover it up.

As it turns out, not covering it up was exactly where I went wrong. “How often do you get sunburnt” was one of the key questions in my birthmark’s downfall. “Probably once a summer?” was my vague reply. “That would be enough for it to become a melanoma”.

Those words echoed around my head for days. What scared me was that out of my friends, I was the most concerned about sun safety. I’m against the idiotic and hypocritical practice that is tanning (an argument for another time). I make sure I reapply that sunscreen two hours later. Yet here I was, in the doctor’s office, looking at the very real possibility of needing that birthmark chopped out.

So I made the decision to have it taken out, and it was not an easy decision. I suffer from anxiety and a fear of needles. I had one week from the surgery untill the results.

One agonising week of not knowing. I would say that I tried to distract myself, but the stitches made sure I was acutely aware; not just the hole in my skin but also the lack of knowledge. There were some sleepless nights. Two people who were in my year at high school were later diagnosed with cancer, and one passed away in 2011. I was extremely aware that cancer does not just strike the elderly and unhealthy. The relief of finding out it wasn’t cancerous was unbelievable.

“Get a tattoo to cover up the scar” was my boyfriend’s suggestion.

“Of what?”

“A mole” “Go through all the pain of a tattoo, just to get a tiny brown blob?”

“No, the animal”.

32

Making Living Cheaper Make promises you never intend on keeping.

Hello tight arses.

Here is this week’s money saving tip.

So you’re getting pissed up at some house party, sneaking a few beers from that random box (its not yours, but no has one has said anything) and the all too familiar war cry of “we’re going to town” is called. Now your first port of call is to immediately locate the sober wuss driving everyone to town. This pimply youngster who’s been quietly standing out by the letterbox all night suddenly becomes the coolest cat at the pissup. There’s a bloody good chance you won’t be able to get a ride with him. His first preference is going to be Hot Chicks. He’s probably never had a root so he must take this opportunity and give the chicks’ first preference (Chicks hate rooting sober dudes so don’t worry about him cutting your lunch).

Anyways if you miss out on getting a ride with Sober Steve then you may have to jump in

a taxi. Traveling to town in a taxi is a money saver’s worst nightmare. I have woken up in a cold sweat after having nightmares of a smug Somalian taxi driver cackling evilly as the meter ticks up another twenty cents.

Get a full contingent of mates (preferably ones with part time jobs) to get in the taxi with you. Shout, “Sweet bro, I got money.”

When you get to your destination pat your pockets, look concerned and say, “Shit I don’t have any cash,” followed by “can you get this bro? I’ve only got eftpos man! I’ll shout you some piss in town.” This promise will never happen. As soon as you get into town and it’s time to make good on that drink, it’s time for you to execute some stealth and cunning.

Quickly get into the bar and make a quick dash to the toilet. Stay there for 10 to 15 minutes before sleuthing out in a cowardly, weasel-like fashion. Go to another bar, get new ‘friends’ to shout you piss and confidentially state, “Yeah bro, I got the next round.” Repeat this practice until you’ve got yourself good and inebriated.

People may think ill of your scallywag tight arse behavior, but there’s also a damn good chance they won’t remember anything because they were intoxicated themselves.

Matt Hicks twitter.com/Honest_Matt

Lifestyle

Arts Ben Bartels Ben Bartels is a Graphic Designer / Illustrator currently living and working in Gold Coast, Australia.

Ben completed the Bachelor of Computer Graphic Design at The University of Waikato in 2010.

He enjoys creating provocative imagery, inspired by old-school, lowbrow art, skate and surf culture.

For freelance enquiries or to check out more of his work, visit be.net/bennyblunder or on instagram @bennyblunder

33

Lifestyle

Slut DJ A series of unfortunate events. Part Three: Harpooned

put me off getting hard.

was taking his turn.

Soviet army.

After peeing in the cup I told myself I was never going to go through this ever again and I was going to make sure I suited up every single time in the future.

Saturday night.

Santa.

Anything.

I’ve always practiced safe sex, to be honest, I haven’t really cared about Sexually Transmitted Diseases too much – I’ve been more concerned about getting a partner pregnant.

Children raising children is not the way forwards. So, because I am so careful and lucky, I’ve never had to visit Family Planning or even my normal doctors to have a check up.

So after the week following the clash with the red army I was noticeably anxious about visiting my doctor, seeing this change in demeanor my flat mate asked me an hour before the appointment what was wrong.

I gave a more masculine, narcissistic version of the events and he told me not to worry.

“Everyone’s had Chlamydia,” he laughed.

This didn’t help me at all and I started freaking out.

“Bro, just get a full test,” he said, “I have had a few of them you just have to pee in a cup and they put this thing called an umbrella in your Japs eye – it’s so easy. Trust me there’s no reason to worry.”

I didn’t trust him and now I had a new thing to worry about, my doctor was a guy and he was about to put something inside me – my week was getting worse by the minute.

But every thought became sexualised and blood moved south. Soviet Army became prison camp porn, Saturday night was suddenly “you got laid”, Santa became a Sexy Mrs. Claus …

“And?” I desperately asked.

Now, thanks to my self-hating imagination I was sitting in the waiting room of the doctors tucking it under my belt and trying to work out how I was going to explain this recent turn of events to the doctor.

“They’re clean”

The nurse called my name and I had a flash back to middle school when I needed to wait to get out of the pool last because of … that.

“Yussssssss.” I screamed down the phone before realizing there was one more pressing question.

I shuffled down the hallway to the doctors room hiding what I could trying to work out how I could stall what was going to be quite possible indecent exposure.

“Then what,” I asked the nurse “was the cause of that smell?”

The doctor sat me down and gave me a lecture about how the Waikato had a high number of STDs and how it was irresponsible on both partners to not practice safe sex – I tried to explain that I had actually been jumped on but really I was more concerned about what was about to happen.

Then he told me to take off my pants and I started really worrying but knew I had to do what he said – for my own health.

So I slowly undid my fly, pulled off my underwear and looked down.

And, while a dude doctor doing his dick thing didn’t worry me at all, what caused concern was what would happen if he grabbed on to me and I was to become aroused.

I now realised why guys get circumcised ‘cause all that was left was a mound of skin and my idiot brain telling me to say, “it’s usually bigger than this.”

With this worry in mind I made my way to the doctors.

He lifted up the bullshitly named ‘umbrella’ and pushed down my urethra – so over the course of the week I’d already been violated by a girl with her period and possibly Chlamydia, and now a doctor with a spear

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Early the following week I received a call from the doctors office while I was at home - it was a nurse, “Your tests have come back”

Stupid fucking brain.

Now, I’m not physically attracted to men in any way, shape or form. I have gay mates (there’s a lot of them in the Electronic Music world) and have nothing against people loving whoever they please, however – I like me some girls.

I sat in the waiting room thinking of everything that I could possibly think of that’d

He told me that it would take a few days to get the test back so I should have a ‘quiet weekend’ a suggestion I was happy to take on board.

Everything had gone into hiding.

Like a snail into a shell.

“So I don’t have anything” “No,” she said, “You’re completely clean”

She replied, “Well, her blood probably soaked into your penis and your body was trying to fight off the bacteria.”

I dry reached again.

Hung up the phone.

Ran into the shower and once again picked up the scrubbing brush.

LIFESTYLE

Diary of a Single Girl Oversharers Anonymous

Mr Minty Fish A slightly different side of MMF

I don’t know what to write because you’re not happy with anything anymore. Or maybe I’m not happy with anything anymore. I don’t know, someone is unhappy and it’s not the guy that has his dick out for a sneaky snapchat in Sports and Leisure. He’s ecstatic.

When you grow up with a lawyer and a politician in your family, you learn how to read people like books. Having grown up with a lawyer and a politician in the family, I can attest to that. I’ll know what you’re thinking before you do. That’s not me being cocky, that’s just fact. Unfortunately; for you; this also translates into couples. I have been witness to 3 breakups and 2 new couples in the last month. All of which I predicted right down to the time and place, and all at least a month prior. There are signals. We can be positive next week but I’ve had a fuckin below average week so lets focus on the shittier end of things. Leggo.

How to spot the end of a relationship: -One of the two starts posting on the others Facebook wall frequently. This is a sure sign of insecurity. The person posting is trying to assert a claim to the other. Marking their territory as such.

-One takes up a sudden interest in sport,

dieting or general appearance and only half heartedly encourages their partner to follow suit. I’m sorry but they’re preparing to get back on the market and leave your sorry ass. #byebitch -Sentences change from ‘we’ and ‘us’ to ‘----and I’. It’s another claim thing. Insecurity is the ugly bitch that rears her head in all shapes and forms. They’re trying to reiterate that they are involved with whoever they mention. It’s sad to see.

-Hearing “I have to do...” or “---- wants me to...” when it used to be “we are doing...” or “I going to...”. It’s a small step but it signals the first step in one half of the couple detaching from the other. They want independence and once the=at snowball forms, it’s not long until its a giant fucking avalanche. #science In saying that, I hope you’re all ok. I care about you, even the ugly ones, so h0lla @ cHo gurl if you need anything. mmf@nexusmag.co.nz love your faces, it’s all positive MMF from now on.

MMF.xxx P.S. Stop masturbating in class you savage.

You’ve jizzed on the seat in front of you again.

I am an oversharer, I always have been. An oversharer could be described as someone who tells you details that they think are funny but probably shouldn’t have been shared.

This is not limited to but includes the size of a guy’s penis, weird things he might say and things he might try out in the bedroom. In my case these are also usually followed by some comment about how I need to “put a padlock on my pants” or some such thing. My friends are pretty used to it now and as a flat we tend to have very few secrets. As girls we accept the fact that everything said has the potential to be repeated and we’re OK with that. But if there are any males that read this column they would probably agree with me when I say that they plain don’t understand the need to tell each other absolutely everything. There are certain things that we as girls might tend to share that guys would probably rather we

“This is not limited to but includes the size of a guy’s penis, weird things he might say and things he might try out in the bedroom.” didn’t. If you have friends who are good with this gossip and can keep a secret you’ll be fine. Unfortunately I don’t. This has led to some pretty uncomfortable chats around the dinner table in front of one of my best male friends, about my vagina. I’ve decided that I should learn to keep my mouth shut... But you guys can keep a secret. Plus you don’t know who I am. Let this be a warning to all you oversharer addicts out there! You don’t need your friends to know your secret, even if it might be the funniest thing that’s ever been said/done to you.

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WSU

Was This You? The Outback Inn.

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SHIT you

Ohai bubs. How you? How was your break?

I sincerely hope you got a lot of shit done because I’m just about to drop the bomb – there’s more cool shit to do! So let’s all make like Miley and sing “And we can’t stoooop.

And we won’t stoooop..”. Or maybe not. We all know how that turned out. #VMA2013

Monday 2nd September New Zealand International Film Festival NZIFF has hit the Tron, and what a list! If you’re a film buff or want to appear intelligent and deep to your new man friend, then the next couple of weeks is for you. Check out the website for a full list of films and their show times: https://www.nziff.co.nz/ Biddy’s Open Mic Night, Biddy Mulligans 6:00 pm – 1:00 am Fact: Open Mic Night means you have creative freedom to do as you please. Again take your cue from Miley... While the VMA’s aren’t quite an open mic night, this could be your time to shine and show the world what you’ve got!

Build Your Own Burger, House 5 pm onwards Pro tip: Take your crush and create burgers for each other. Watch as they swoon ever so slightly at how sweet, caring, fun, and generous with the bacon you are. Probably go home alone anyway. At least the burger was good.

Quiz Night, The Cook 7:30 Round up your smartest friends (at least one sport fan, and one history major), get google ready on your phone (kidding that would be cheating. Nexus doesn’t like cheaters), and exercise your right to think before the government decides otherwise!

Tuesday 3rd September Celtic Jam Night, Biddy Mulligans 6:30-7:30 pm Get FOLKed up as you immerse in the Irish culture and listen to live Celtic music.

Sweet Tooth Tuesday, Iguana Did someone say $6 dessert? Yes, we can confirm that it’s the best day of the week for

sweet lovers out there. It’s the perfect date night affair, or if you’re single like me, it’s the perfect day to order 2 desserts, and cry as you watch couples all around you. Best to book a table regardless.

Wednesday 4th September Skint Student Night, House 6 pm onwards What do you mean you’ve never been to House Bar on Skint night? Dafuq is wrong bro? Get a feed, get a bit wastey, hang out with friends, happy hump day!

Quiz Night, The Riv 7:30 – 9:15 pm If you’re living in Ham East, there’s really no other place to be. Just triple check your locks first.

Quiz Night, Homestead 7:30 – 9:15 pm I love how this quiz night is on a Wednesday, giving you that brain power to get you through the rest of the week!

2 for 1 Cocktails, Grand Central 7 pm onwards So you were by yourself eating desserts yesterday, and you’re still alone today. Only difference is you look extra classy with that cocktail in hand. Work it. Probably still go home alone anyway.

Wax on Wednesdays, Static 8 pm onwards The party starts here on a Wednesday. I have yet to find a place that is raging (read: dance rage) at this time of the week. Almost like a pre-party to your pre-party on Thursday.

Thursday 5th September Stan Walker New Zealand Tour, Founders Theatre So you watched him in X Factor, and now yous want to see him live. Now yous can!

He’s hitting Hamilton up to see yous (ok. Point taken.)

Hamilton Craft & Quilt Fair 2013 Nothing quite like supporting handmade! It’s not your ordinary quilt and craft fair though – there are seminar style workshops and

classes that you can take like textile art techniques, jewelry making, quilting, stamping, and scrapbooking. Okay probably a lot like your ordinary quilt and craft fair.

EGO (Live AV Set) @ Back Bar $5 on the door. So Stan Walker’s catchy pop lyrics aren’t your thing. You can always head to Back Bar and check out Ego’s live AV show.

Friday 6th September Houseparty “Golden Era HipHop” Hamilton Edition, Gravity Bar Only the best of the best from the 90s to 2005 all played in vinyl. If that is not one of the most epic descriptions of a gig you have ever happened upon then I am 200% done with you! Seriously. A 90’s party.

Saturday 7th September AC/DC Tribute Band – Riff Raff, Altitude 8:00 pm Oh you have an AC/DC t-shirt? You wear it for #ootd posts? Well let’s take it to another level, shall we? Now you can wear your merch and listen to the tribute band. Then you can take selfies at said event! And then probably go home alone - with a black eye.

The Upbeats – The Collective’s 5th Birthday, Gravity Back from a recent tour around the UK, USA, and NZ, The Upbeats are coming to Hamilton and for a good reason too: The Collective’s 5th Birthday! All you Drum&Bass lovers rejoice!

It’s been a long time coming, and this gig promises to be one for the books. Support from Dold, Hybrid, Kaon, and EuphoricMilk.

Electro Static, Static It’s just a bit electric. It’s just a bit Static.

Not sure if that makes sense… but if you’re attending this event, you might want to get used to that feeling.

If you’ve got a gig coming up, if you’re feeling blue and want to accompany me to a gig, or if you just want to say hi and talk about MyCy, drop me a line: gigs@nexusmag.co.nz.

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