Nexus Issue 2

WAIKATO’S FREE STUDENT MAGAZINE

the ASPA award winning

Issue Two 2012

Auteur House

for you filmy type snobs

Our book reviewer finds an ORGASM NEWSY RANTS ABOUT PEOPLE BEING

DOUCHEBAGS

Classic Agony Art is back!

Featuring how to get

FREE SHIT

Section

Contents

How Saph Sees It 4 8 Ball 5 Dodgy Flat Competition 6 News 7 Lettuce 8 Sports Thoughts 10 Mr. Minty Fish 11 Agony Art 12 Cheap Thrills 13 Hipster Diary 14 Auteur House 15 Tangata Tumeke 16 It’s not easy being Sam 17 Club Spotlight 18 Live Free or Die, er, Hard 20 O Week in Pics 22 The People Said... 24 O Week Nights 25 Gig Guide 26 Soda Inc 27 Puzzles 28 Lick That Spoon 31 Half Baked with Mel 32 The View as seen by Alix 33 YWRC 36 On My Ipod 37 Quintessential Reading 38 Great Bucking Night 39

Credits

Design: Katrina McIntosh (design@nexusmag.co.nz) Advertising: Tony Arkell (ads@nexusmag.co.nz)

Contributors

Squidy , C-ball, Courtney Q, President Sapphire Gillard, first man Charles Gillard, Sam “Sketti” Tokunai, Priscilla Ngatai, Mr. Minty Fish, Melanie Mathews, , Nick Johnston, Sean Goulding, members of the lillipop guild, Art Focker, Something Hip, Hoory Yeldizian, Dr Richard Swainson and the glorious indestructable 8 ball.

From the Editor’s Desk.

Nexus is what I want to be when I grow up!

Every now and then people need to decide what they want to be when they grow up. In people years, Nexus would now be well into or over a mid-life crisis. But it’s not.

Nexus is Peter Pan. It’s the song you’ll listen to in your car five years from now that will take you back to a time when you were here. How do I know? Because it does that for me every time I read it. This week I spent a lot of time out on the green and I realised that there are a lot of similarities between when I was first on a campus and now but things are different too. See that’s the great thing about being a campus magazine: your Nexus is YOUR NEXUS. Every editor, every designer, every contributor takes it and makes it their own but so do the contributors and the students who read it or choose not to.

The last few months have been hugely significant for students, students’ associations and student media.

Magazines around the country have changed, merged or just simply closed their doors entirely. Nexus has been no different and that change is going to continue until we strike the right balance between giving you info that you need to know and putting in stuff just for the lols. We will keep changing and we will keep listening to what you think and what you want.

The other thing we are going to do in the next few weeks is start auditioning student editors and student voices until we find a few that fit. This might be a new direction for Nexus but it is still your magazine and it should be your voice: not a 30 year old man’s.

In the meantime, through the promise of coffee, nicotine and the ability to rage at me anytime he wants we have brought back some of the greatest columns ever to grace the pages of this magazine: Agony Art circa 2009. Trust me, read that shit as it will make your face smile. I want to thank the Waikato Fist / Agony Art for everything he has done for Nexus since 2007 and the awesome half-naked photo on my desk. A lot of old Nexus is still contained in these pages too (Auteur House, MMF, Sports Thoughts etc) but it’s time to hear some new voices come through: your voices.

If you want to write or edit Nexus come and see us at the office or flick us a message through Facebook or just stand outside the window yelling let me write something. So get it up, and make it your Nexus.

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, THE WSU, APN, THE EDITOR, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, OR ANYONE ELSE IN PARTICULAR. Nexus Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton.

Phone: 07 838 4653 Email: editor@nexusmag.co.nz 3

How Saph Sees It Gems of Wisdom Day one of o-week was insane. It was my first 15 hour day on campus which wasn’t in any way related to class and me procrastinating (Unlike those last nights in second year where I slept in the management school computer labs – those days were kinda lame, but absolutely necessary if you, like me, are yet to develop the time management skills and discipline needed to finish assignments more than 5minutes before they are due). Instead, day one of o-week was full on fun and sun. I, as a ginga, was amazed that I didn’t end the day as a beetroot (though a not so fortunate younger sister of mine did). But rather, my day ended after the first no fuss free bus trip into town. After which I bailed and left two of my amazing directors and general manager in charge of getting you guys in to and out of town safely – Aren’t those guys great? Sober til 4.00am getting you guys safely home all of o-week. I think they’re bloody amazing.

I hear the bus was rather exciting at times and even came with the odd show as well as ride – I wonder if my roster nights, Thursday and Saturday, will be the same? I expect I’ll meet a lot of you going to the 80s party on Thursday and Soundscape on Saturday. Hopefully you’ll be as pumped and full of energy as yesterday’s group were.

Now, I’m sitting in my office hearing the music and fun of o-week day two being and the rest of the week looks set to be just as fantastic as day one. Unfortunately, I will soon be back into meetings and study, but for this week at least everything should be fun and games and down on the green it sure is.

Once you read this it will be week two. The week where you remember that class is important. Hopefully, when rummaging through all that cool free stuff you were given during o-week, you’ll find your free WSU Student Wall Planner and make note of when all your assignments are due. Not to mention, you should check out Nexus and mark down the amazing gigs that are occurring over the next few months. This ensures any clashes are known well in advance and assignments can be completed in time to ensure they do not affect your social life. Or at least that’s the plan. In my experience, this is just wishful thinking and outside of o-week the only 15 hour days I will have on campus will be due to procrastination and completing assignments the day they are due. Not a good idea. Not something I would suggest.

But, if you are serious about your study use your free WSU Student Wall Planner and fee WSU 2012 Student Diary to ensure you get the best out of 2012. The diaries have 4

Opinion

funky Semester A and Semester B tabs, spaces for your timetable, and everything you need to know... really if you read the diary cover to cover you’ll be set to take over. Or at least take charge of your time as a student. If you don’t have a diary and wall planner, come and join up at the WSU. We’re giving them away free to members so see one of the wonderful WSU staff or directors at WSU reception and pick one up – remember there are limited numbers so first in best kitted out.

That’s it from me. I’m going back to the green to snag more free stuff and ignore my first moodle posts that are due... those suckers are tomorrow’s un-fun job.

Sapphire Gillard WSU El Presidente 2012

8 Ball

From the depths of a hell you can not imagine, forged from the souls of the doomed and discarded there was Eight Ball. Ageless in his years he has an unquenchable thirst for destruction and an unnatural love of Gilmour Girls, but only the mother. He has been sent here to destroy you all and take your men folk as his play things. But he has some down time so he thought he would hang out and answer some questions first.

Can I get an STI playing in foam?

Yes definitely Just because you can doesn’t mean you will. Besides even if you did you would probably win the respect of your peers, get laid and generally be happier for having participated in O-Week. Although I am a mystical eight ball from a sub sect of a medieval dimension who doesn’t believe in your human illness I will add wrap it up kids, play safe or not at all.

Will my card decline?

You may rely on it Mainly because you are a stupid mortal and currency means something to you unlike the darkness and rage that fuels the hearts of my proud warrior people. But if you are that worried read this infantile magazine full of dick jokes and book reviews to discover how to live cheap in the after O-week Hangover…..or I will eat your face!

Will my lecturer care if I am hungover now that it isn’t O-week?

Outlook not so good In my world I would hollow you out and wear your skin for even asking such an impudent question. You truly believe the supposed academics of your planet care enough about your meaningless lives to notice if you are drunk or sober.

You pay for your own education (eventually) come sober, come drunk, come as you are. Nothing will save you from the fate I have in store for you! www.budgetappliances.co.nz Entertainment

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Dodgy Flat Competition Think your flat is dodgy enough to be featured in this column?

We are giving you a chance to make your crappy flat a little bit better with free swag. Send us some photos and some words about the hell hole you live in and if you’re the worst for the week we’ll give you some cool shit, free pizza, and the honour of featuring in Nexus.

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Competition

News A Rant

The Hypno-Pimp

When does O-week fun become dick bag behaviour?

Usually about the time the first bottle gets thrown on to a road or the first couch gets set alight. You may think you’re cool but you’re not. Recently it has been happening more and more and everybody is blaming anyone they can find. The anti-alcohol people are saying it’s the booze, the anti-drug people are saying it’s the stoner population which is bullshit because stoners don’t burn couches they sleep on them. Some people are even audacious enough to blame Nexus or the WSU for having an O-week in the first place. You know who isn’t being blamed? Dick bags.

Nexus is proudly apolitical and doesn’t get on the personal responsibility bandwagon to often but let us take a few brief moments to hit you with our truth stick:

Last week an Auckland man was ordered by his probation officer to shut down his hypnotism business. The man who had previously been convicted for arranging sex between a minor and an adult male for money was told that it violates the conditions of his parole. This story has a number of possible jokes we could attach to it but the lingering question is “How bad a hypnotist are you when you can’t get a probation officer to do what you want?” I mean seriously we have seen enough movies to know that you slip them a few packs of smokes and they will do what you want. We don’t want to encourage criminal behaviour here but it seems simple to us: Officer: Hey pimp I hear you have been putting people under hypnosis.

Pimp: Do I look like the type that would do that?

Officer: Well you did get that teenage boy to have sex with an old guy for money Pimp: Don’t believe everything you read. Are these the eyes of a hypnotist pimp? Look deeply, deep still, when you wake up you will let me run my “business” from my flat and these are not the droids you’re looking for.

1. If you write lol after every sentence you will never be funny and people will never sleep with you…ever!

2. The halls are not a secret society, this isn’t a Dan Brown novell get over yourselves.

3. If you burn a couch without being at a cricket ground in Otago and it isn’t 1995 then you’re a douche.

You are ruining it for everyone, and you need to take the consequences for your actions. More to the point if your friend is doing stuff like that and your cheering him on then you are a dick by association. They should create a ghost chip ad for this shit , “I have been internalising a complex problem and I realised if you throw that dozen empty beer bottles on the road fron the second floor of my apartment block then we can’t be friends anymore because I would have to punch you in your dumb face every time I see you.”

So that’s it. End of rant! The simple message here is that you have had your fun but O-week is over so calm the fuck down.

We just keep getting bigger The number of Equivalent Full-Time Students at Waikato University at the start of A Semester is 1.5% up on the same time last year. By March 5, the university had 7,887 Ministry-funded (ie domestic) EFTS, up 1% on the same time last year. Full cost international student EFTS are up 6.4% on the same time last year at 746 EFTS. Students from nearly 80 countries are studying at Waikato University; the top five nations are China, Saudi Arabia, India, Japan and USA.In real terms this means a longer line for coffee in the morning and a quicker rush to get the best sushi.

The Perfect Storm Once in every Nexus readers lifetime comes along a perfect storm. A story so high in comedic value that adding a snarky comment to it bear s no value. Today is that day. For your reading pleasure we give you the “Rapture Pets…….” http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com is a service for Christians who want to make sure their pets are looked after once they themselves ascend to heaven. For just $135 you can have an atheist adopt your pet.

Are you there google it’s me Spock?

Waikato Alumni Dr Craig Nevill-Manning is one of the men being tasked with building google the next generation. Nevill-Manning, who had previously worked on google maps, said that he wants to build a “star-trek” computer with a search engine that not only recognises voice but also sentences and filters accordingly.

News

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Lettuce Nexus wants your Lettuce!

Write about anything you like, as long as it’s under 250 words. We’re like FOX News, in that we’ll publish anything if it’s funny. Your name won’t be attributed to your letter if you choose, and pseudonyms are fine (we still need your real name).

Send them through to lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz before 5pm on Wednesday for a chance to be included in the next week’s issue. Also, we won’t edit anything you send us, because it’s funnier that way.

I love you Ted Zorn Dear Nexus, What the fuck does the management school think it’s doing? Do the people in charge there even have any sense?

I come back to uni this year and find out that the most awesomest lecturer ever – Ted Zorn – has gone to Massey.

Massey? I mean for fuck’s sake, the place has a campus in Palmerston North (though I think Ted Zorn, being the cool guy that he is, has gone to Albany) and offers a bachelor degree in construction (WTF?) – why would anyone want to go there unless they hated their job. And now it seems that other lecturers are following the wonderful TZ to Massey as well …. Let’s see how many go with him? Please come back Ted Zorn and make my management school wonderful again.

Love you Theodore, and I hope you’ll come back soon, TZ Admirer

Lesson: Dishonesty gets you sex?

Dear University of Waikato males, Please stop being fuckwits. It is not very nice to say to me “You’re kind of hot”. Are you “kind of” a fucking retard?

Do you have “kind of” a penis? Either I’m hot and you say so, or you want to get laid, and you lie. That’s how it works in every other western city in the world, but clearly, males of the Tron need to be educated. So lesson one: don’t ever call a girl “kind of hot” because that’s not only degrading, it’s fucking stupid. Retards.

Also, it’s highly entertaining to watch you try and hit on the drunk bitches who are clearly too wasted to make it up and down the stairs at Altitude, let alone help make sure that you won’t get lost in your attempt to get your sailing ship into their love caves.

That is all.

Altitude Girl 8

Opinion

How long before the lolz begin….

Nexus, Back again for another year, I see. Now I guess we wait and see how long until any of the following occurs: 1) A rant about mature students being annoying 2) Someone bitches about Christians giving too much shit away 3) Some dick whingeing about the hot bar girls who force pamphlets in my face at the crossing on Hillcrest road 4) A letter bitching about how there is too much porn / sex in Nexus 5) A letter bitching about how there is not enough porn / sex in Nexus I pick that #2 happens first. Now, if only we could have hot Christian mature students trying to sell us pornography.

A tolerant student

I hate waterfalls! And the caps lock key!

WHY ARE THERE WATERFALLS IN THE LIBRARY! It makes me so angry. Everytime I walk up the stairs all I think is RAAAAAAAAAAAA HOW MUCH OF MY FEES WERE WASTED ON THIS WATERFALL OF DEATH! And then when I walk outside THERE IS YET ANOTHER WATERFALL THAT STUDENT MONEY WAS USED TO PAY FOR! If we are going to have magical waterfalls can THEY AT LEAST BE MADE OF SUNSHINE DUST!? And fish that students can catch so that we have something to eat NOW THAT ALL OF OUR MONEY HAS BEEN SPENT ON FEES FOR WATERFALLS! ARggghghghghghgh.

Waterfall-hater

THE NEXUS LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A

$20 VOUCHER FROM UNIMART

CONVENIENCE STORE HERE ON CAMPUS

FOOD, DRINKS, SNACKS AND DAILY ESSENTIALS ALL IN ONE FRIENDLY LOCATION

Studylink

WSU Peoples are Awesome

Dear Studylink, You suck. I mean, you’re a government agency – and are therefore useless – but come on. Can’t you do any better?

It shouldn’t be that hard.

Dear WSU Thank you for actually being awesome this year! O week was great as usual, but what was really nice was to see so many WSU director people on the green helping out and actually (shock horror) talking to students. Especially that hot ginger president babe, she’s awesome. As is (sorry – don’t know your names, so you will now be stereotyped by your experience) the hippy dreads girl, the lovely Maori lady (with the cute daughter), the hot blonde chick, the friendly Tongan girl, and the lolz right-wing guy. Plus all the other WSU people who I can’t think of stereotypes for.

You’re all awesome and thanks for not just sitting in your office wasting my money, but instead bothering to talk to students, being on the bus at 2 in the morning, and just be friendly people. Also, it’s great to have friendly smiley people in the WSU office too – yay! Please keep it up.

This is my fifth year at uni and every time I need to deal with you, it’s just a nightmare. First – what the hell is up with the mystudylink page. Why do I need to remember some bizarre combination of letters and numbers for my username, another odd combination (to fit within your 10 gazillion rules) for a password, and THEN have to remember the exact order of letters in some passphrase.

That’s a lot of remembering, and to be honest, it’s just unnecessary. My online bank account at ASB doesn’t have that much password remembering, for goodness sake. And if I forget any of this stuff, it’s a bloody mission to reset my password or passphrase, requiring a ridiculous amount of thinking that is just (frankly) too much effort.

However, this year was even better than usual. That’s because I actually had a query that couldn’t be solved by the supposedly ‘solve everything’ masterpiece that is the mystudylink website – as I’m finishing off my Masters degree, I’m not quite a full-time student (I’m doing 90 points this year and 120 is full-time) but I can’t take any more papers as I don’t need them to finish your degree. As a result, I rang up studylink to find out what I needed to do, and what do I get? A two-minute-long message telling me about the wonders of mystudylink, and then the best part: “Unfortunately we are currently experiencing high call volumes and are not able to answer your call at this time. Please accept our apologies for this inconvenience”.

I got this message twice each day for four days in a row before I got through. Right, so I’m just supposed to use magic to figure out my question then?

Francis Silvester

Bring back Sex on Campus Dear Nexus Please bring back sex on campus for me to read. It was deliciously exciting and raunchy and sometimes even instructional. Please track down Dick and Fanny and make them write again for you? I know its juvenile but I just like to lol at the words ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ and ‘uni’ all in the same sentence. If you bring it back then I might even have a story of my own to tell.

The S Block Wonder

Please sort your shit out next year, studylink.

You really need to.

Erin Davison

Section

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Sports Thoughts With C-Ball SCREW THE PERM – REAL MEN GROW CHIN STRAPS Recent reports have surfaced of Canberra Raiders players complaining they were the victims of several illegal wrestling moves while being tackled by their opponents – the Melbourne Storm. Yet it seems this year the NRL has a new foe to fear besides the surely delicious ‘chicken wing’ and ‘grapple tackle’. 2012 is now the year of the ‘chin strap’ – and no, I don’t mean the ultimately tits way in which a man crafts his facial hair into a tight strap of hair lining his jaw. The ‘chin strap’ is put into effect when one player tackling another places his hand on the other’s chin, preferably with that player below him with his back turned, so the tackler can gain some leverage and somewhat subdue the other player by turning the head or bending the neck. Wicked stuff. This leaves the player being tackled in a position to have his neck snapped in two, yet the NRL isn’t quite gnarly enough to allow that yet (although its, admittedly, about 99% gnarly currently).

Props to Channel Nine if on the next chin strapped victim they flash ‘finish him’ across the screen.

It comes to me as a complete surprise that the Melbourne Storm have been accused of illegal actions considering they run a tight ship, would never purposefully try to cheat something like, say, a salary cap, and never start each season with a brand new wrestling move sure to stomp a few peoples’ nuts before it gets campaigned against and outlawed. Oh – and Craig Bellamy ISN’T in need of anger management, despite the fact that every shot of him sitting in the coaching box usually involves him losing the plot. I guess I would too, because the Warriors be slammin’ Storm like Shaquille, when it matters most.

Every year the Storm players have a brand new trick, and run around like a rape squad hitting the town on a casual Saturday night out, ripping spines out all over the show, chicken winging and grapple tackling their way to the top four spot. However, the truth in the matter is this – the Melbourne Storm aren’t the only ones employing dirty wrestling techniques.

Every team does it. Fuck – it’s pretty simple as to why when you think about it too. Most hit ups in Rugby League involve two men colliding and wrestling with each other, much like in Wrestlemania – except its real, its fans aren’t bat shit insane (80% of Mt. Smart’s usual crowd just enjoy the odd reefer), and the performing athletes don’t wear tight leather or have face paint. Another link between the two sports, and I use the term sport loosely when speaking of wrestling, is that NRL teams are known to employ professional wrestlers to take workshops with their players and teach them tricks. The craze allegedly started 10

Opinion

at Brisbane, as Darren Lockyer’s father Wayne Bennett is said to have employed a wrestling coach to help his players gain the upper hand in one-on-one tackles.

Surprise surprise, Craig Bellamy was his assistant coach, and took this idea to the Storm in 2003 when he took charge of the club.

I don’t really have that much of a problem with wrestling manoeuvres in Rugby League, as there is obviously huge importance placed on being able to overpower the person you are tackling. Then extra credit to the tackler that can put in opponent in an awkward position and slow the play of the ball down. In 2007 the Warriors even had Batista stop by to run a session with the players, and watch them train. The one thing that truly irks me though, is that why practice wrestling, when you could just hit the gym and work out the right shoulder. Make that bitch a weapon of mass destruction and put runners down for good with a classic Benny Matulino thumping. It’s got to require less energy. It looks cooler. It probably will get you more women. And it undoubtedly will slow the play of the ball down more, considering anyone taking a proper shoulder charge is probably going to be having a tea party on the ground for the next few seconds. So that’s my theory on this ‘chin strap’. It sounds cool, and looks even cooler provided it’s of the facial hair type. But fuck wrestling – go for glory. Get out from behind that lame Edge photo frame and go work on your shoulders. And your calves, because socks down is where it’s at. Just ask Jerry Seu Seu.

Well O-Week is done and dusted.

Did you get laid? I hope you did; but if not, this might be why. I don’t know many things, but I do know human interaction. I’m not necessarily good at it, but I know of it. I’ve seen it before.

We’ve hung out... n’shit. So for this week - and the next - I’m going to be helping you kids out.

This week is for the boys.

As girls, many of us preach not being ‘that kind of girl’ when it comes to having sex, yet we fuck your minds on a daily basis and we don’t think a thing of it. We are cold, heartless wizards, wrapped in cloaks of nice hair, boobs and perfume. This week, I’ve asked a variety of penis carriers what they want to know about us. Now girls, if you don’t agree with me, don’t get all one-week-a-month about it. Write in. We can banter.

Q. Why do you only want something when you can’t have it?

A. What’s the point in wanting something you already have? You do the exact same thing. It’s like when you feen a chick for ages, get amongst her in 101, yarn about it to your boys and then afterwards; sure you’d probably go back; but the object of your feening has more than likely changed. We are the exact same. This is why playing hard to get works. The only warning I would heed is that it’s important to play hard to get; not impossible. If a girl thinks she’s more keen than the guy, she will most likely sit back and wait for you.

Q. Does a hairy back really matter?

A. A little bit of hair is fine. As a rule, we just don’t want to see your back and be taken back to Tuesday night’s Jungle Party and/or nightmares about yetis.

Q. Scrunch or fold?

I’m going to assume that we differ on this. If there’s a universal girl rule on this, my mind is blown and I will simply spend all eternity putting it together again.

Q. Why do you go to the bathroom together?

A. Let me dispel a myth. As a rule, we actually don’t mind going by ourselves; but if more than one goes, we all go.

Why? Because you guys are fucking awkward. If we leave one behind with you in town, then by the time we come back, she’s either getting groped and/or party boy’d OR you guys are all trying so hard to pretend that you haven’t noticed how banging she is that you literally just turned your backs and formed an awkward man wall. Either that OR we want to spin a yarn.

Q. What do some of you gain from testing/mind fucking your boyfriends?

A. Nothing. Girls that intentionally pull this shit need a bullet. Girls, if you want your boyfriend to do something, ask him to do it. Don’t tell him to do something else and expect him to ‘love you sooooo much’ that he becomes a fucking psychic. Guys, pull us up when we do this.

Sometimes it’s just a reflex, but sometimes we’re just a bitch and YOU.CAN.DO.BETTER. Q. Why don’t you like anal?

A. Because we have vaginas. Or are they too “main stream” for you?

Q. If I’m hairy, do you want me to shave?

A. Personally, I dig a bit of stubble. Reassures me that you’re not 12; but I do not want to get with Santa’s rapey brother... Santania... that’s a shit name anyway.

Q. Why aren’t girls more slutty?

A. Girls are almost always sluttier than you think. In saying that, I bet you more than ANYTHING that if we all began embracing our full slutdom, your next question would be “Why are all girls sluts? It’s heaps dumb.”

Q. What do girls want?

A. A cruel combination of penis, not wanting to seem too keen for penis, food, not wanting to eat all of the food, alcohol, not having Brooke take drunk pics of us in town AND for you guys to make more obvious plays.

Q. Do girls masturbate?

A. See the scrunch/fold debate. Pretty sure the same rules apply.

Q. All girls are fucking sluts and bitches.

A. Uhhh Ryan, not entirely sure that this is a question.

Q. Why are bangin’ girls not good bitches? Heaps of bangin’ girls aren’t keen on yarns n’shit.

A. Why put in the effort if you don’t need to? If you will yarn to them regardless, then why try? We want what we can’t have. Use that to your advantage.

ARGHHHH I ran out of room. I’m shit at organisation.

I will use the excess questions for a part 2 in the near future. You look stunning btw. Love your faces. Stay loose, not like wizard sleeve / I’ve had 24 kids loose. Just, you know, Project X loose. HOMAHGOH best movie in my life. We should go together, it’ll be a date.

Yours, MMF. x Opinion

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Agony Art from the Vault

This article first appeared in Nexus 2009 and it was funny then too

Dear Agony Art I’ve started to notice some really, really hot girls on campus. It’s like all the ugly girls have gone into some kind of warm-weather hibernation and released all the hot girls from their winter prisons. Seriously, it’s really starting to freak me out. Please help me understand this phenomena!?

Sex Crazed Monkey Beast From the Outer Realms

Dear SCMBFTOR This phenomenon is one as old as the human race itself.

During the winter months of the caveman years, all the hot ladies would remain in the caves, getting boned by the hairiest guys in the tribe. It was the job of the unattractive women, the ones who wore bright green jeans and thought pony-tails were still cool, to go out into the snow drifts and hunt for food. They could easily blend into the mammoths, as they were often as hairy and smelly as their prey, thus making them far superior hunters.

Being out in the snow, however, made the cave-hunguses prey themselves. Sabertooth tigers, avalanches and sabertooth avalanches killed many of them off, which was not a loss exactly mourned by the cave folk and their hot ladies boning back in the caves. When winter ended and trade between the tribes opened up again, all of the ugly girls were quickly sent into the pits of the caves. This was to make sure that the neighbouring tribes thought the tribe only had the hottest cave-chicks and thus gave them

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Opinion

sweet trade deals.

This pattern of “hiding the ugly girls” during the summer months has remained in our genetic memories even until the present day. When was the last time you saw a truly gross, nauseating woman at the beach in the Coromandel?

Now, compare that with the last time you saw a revolting woman on a rainy day in Hamilton. Or Huntly.

Now, you may be thinking that this can’t possibly be true. Well, let’s think about it a little closer. In countries which are always cold and miserable, there is an excess of attractive women. Think about Sweden, Norway, and Switzerland. Due to it always being winter there (well, more or less), the ugly girls have been forced out to go hunting on a more permanent basis, falling prey to the aforementioned sabre-toothed beasts and (because it’s Europe) Nazi breeding programs. The hot girls have thus remained inside and kept on having babies, until it is totally impossible for there to be any unattractive women in those countries.

Bam! Art Focker has spoken.

In countries which are always cold and miserable, there is an excess of attractive women.

So despite the heights your university experience has reached in O-week, there’s no doubt the bank statement will be a lengthy list of Thirsty Liquor withdrawals. So it’s time to cast aside conventions, quit dwelling on your plight, and go in search of cheap thrills like every forward-thinking uni student.

Cheap Thrills With Sean Goulding

They say the best things in life are free, or in this case, cheap. I like cheap thrills because it shows your ability to enjoy yourself with the bare minimum of resources at hand, so if you crash landed on a desert island you would still be able to make the most of it.

My favourite cheap thrill comes on a Tuesday for a cool $10, Cheaper Tues. If you’re one of those people who only allow themselves to slack off their diets once a week, you may as well cash in and make that day a Tuesday.

To all the doubters, just go out and try it once and you might be surprised to find yourself back there in a week’s time. It’s no science that every Tuesday needs something good to watch on TV, so luckily 6pm spells time for ‘That 70’s Show’: a refined taste in viewing but something that should be tried at least once.

The famed Waikato river float makes a strong case as a cheap thrill option, provided you can afford a box of beers and a lilo. A fine day is an optimum time to grab the air mattresses and beers and head down the river.

Yarns aplenty and you can see the town from a different perspective. I encourage extreme prudence when selecting members to join the river float as there is the potential for things to go wrong. I discourage anyone who cannot handle their beers to partake in the procession, so ladies should sit this one out. Drunken dudes don’t make good lifeguards and the Waikato River is not the sort of venue where you sip on wines. Twelve is the minimum requirement on the Waikato so if you don’t drink that amount, I would suggest against partaking. Secondly I would like to stress the importance of ensuring that everyone is a confident swimmer before you leave. This is complete common sense; the other type of cents being something that seems to evade students during O-Week.

Another cheap thrill is Illusion. However, this is now an inflated $18 per bag as it has become illegal; well at least that is what I got told after my Google search. I don’t encourage use nor do I discourage it. The Police would probably have less people chasing the green product if

Illusion was permitted for R18 use. Illusion can provide hours of entertainment watching movies or make a boring instalment of Mike McRoberts and Hillary Barry a genuinely good showing - especially for all the poor flatties who can’t afford Sky TV and are on a bland TV diet of Shortland Street. Illusion could almost make this bearable, like Manu when he drops the pill on Sunday afternoon league. However I believe the Police are doing a good job of keeping Hamilton free from the roducts like Illusion and Kronic as I have barely seen any since it got taken off the shelf.

You may think this is strange but it is hard to deny, the quirkiest cheap thrill is cleaning. Everyone is prone to the addictive cleaning buzz: well everyone that considers themself hygienic. It sounds stupid but once you get on the cleaning buzz, you will be occupied for a couple of hours and end up with a tidy, fresh smelling living space.

Who is going to say no to that? Just start off with the easy quick jobs, then you will hit form and be ready to tackle the big lame jobs. It’s something we hate doing but you feel better once you’ve done it.

If you’re running out of options now, then this cheap thrill can never be discounted because you can never predict how it will finish. I’m talking about crate day. I have only experienced this day once and I am yet to decide if once is enough. Someone got his keys thrown in a paddock, someone got naked, and someone threw savouries during the speeches of the 21st party we later went to. It was a day’s entertainment and a day-long recovery, so there’s no claiming that cheap thrills don’t last. Either way, it’s something that you must try it at least once and while you’re at uni I couldn’t think of a better time to try things that you usually wouldn’t.

I will finish on a note movie all uni students will surely be able to relate to – Project X. For only one Kate Sheppard, after Cheapers you can take yourself, your mates and your pies to the cinema and watch Project X. A typical American high school plot filmed from a neat perspective and accompanied by a very good soundtrack. Sneak a few drinks into the cinema, watch the movie before town and try and tell me afterwards that you that you aren’t ready to party.

So seize the moment rather than your ‘declining’ eftpos cards, and make the most of ‘hangover’ week.

Opinion

13

Hipster Diary Well it’s Monday morning and I’m sitting in class wondering where that weekend disappeared to. Did I blink and miss it, or do I feel like this because my brain has turned to mush after the liquid diet fueled O-Week I just endured? But hey, look at you here you are with a Nexus mag, maybe even browsing Facebook while you’re at it, checking the hot photos you were tagged in over the weekend, trying to find that girl you met on the dance floor at Agenda, or that guy you spoke with in the slimy Outback ally that’s in your afternoon tutorial. But when you come to think of it, you’re really struggling with their first name: what was it again?

So what did you think of O-Week? It seemed easy didn’t it? Night after night playing drinking games with the flatties, just managing to make it out of bed on time for the first class. If you had game, there were plenty of hook up options in town - and hey, hangovers weren’t that bad anyway, right? You just soldier on until three or four o-clock and it started all over again. I’m thinking in this column I’m going to try and be the tiniest bit like that guy off the countdown adds. You know the ones: “Shop smarter New Zealand” and be like… “Here’s a tip”. But I’m going to be cheeky and turn it into “Hipster-Tip”.

So here goes, your eyes are reading it here first, take it or leave it, turn the page, complain to your flat mate, cry to your mum about it. Whatever it is that makes you feel better about it do it, because “here’s a tip”. Whether it’s that boy with the spiky hair you’re crushing on, or that dam fine girl that you ogled at across the room as she walked into the lecture last week, #1-Hipster-Tip: Go and talk to him / her!

Boys come on now, you should really be the ones to make this move, so take a deep breath, clench your checks and think to yourself “what’s the worst that can happen?”. Now go right on over there and say hello. Here, I’ll even give you a line: “Hey (if you can remember their name insert here =P), how are you feeling after that crazy weekend?”

Bam you just started a conversation. Congratulations on achieving basic social competence.

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Opinion

Now girls, I know at this moment you’re all like “omg omg omg” but you also just need to take a breath and be nice to the poor boy when he makes a big scary move like that.

Now I’ve seen you out on campus last week. Doesn’t there seem to be a lot of us this year!? All week down at the Village Green you could just feel that summery kind of feel-good vibe that we were all reflecting off each other. I love the ones of you that make eye contact with that nice looking boy or girl as they walk past; this may seem outrageous, but the ones of you that gave a smile I love you even more <3 A good friend of mine, a man with much class, style and swag once told me a story about a man and a woman that met eyes while in a shopping mall. He told me that for a brief moment, they were joined by the soul as one. You could say each of them were staring at their soul mate.

They were madly in love, until suddenly, the guy turns his head and looks to the side. The woman does the same, but she turns in the hope that he will look back, he never does...

Now I’m going to ask you to think about town last week right. Apart from the opposite sex, what are your memories like of it? Did you find anywhere that played your style of music, somewhere with an amazing dance floor, maybe somewhere with a bit of class? Was there anywhere that seemed a bit rank - maybe that cocktail smell of Chlamydia, urine and vomit lingering? And how about that street party?! Kora blew minds and inside those fences was the best street party I’ve ever seen: Soundscape, I think you deserve a round of applause.

So come this Thursday night or whichever night it may be, I think we should decide which head we are thinking with, actually weigh up which of our fine establishments we have on offer in our cultured wee Village we call H-town around here. I heard someone call Hamilton the Auckland of Thames last week, made me lol.

Bye for now, Something-Hip

Auteur House

By Dr Richard Swainson This column has in the past proven an incongruous read.

Any who come across it casually, out of context, may well be perplexed as to why a student publication should chose to focus so esoterically on old movie stars and long dead directors, on, as it were, the cultural players of yesteryear.

What possible relevance has it to contemporary student life or the ever changing entertainment scene of the early 21st century?

An honest answer to these questions would be that I’m not quite sure. It’s probably only a minority who have the slightest interest in the cinema as anything other than the blockbuster of the moment. Many of you will have never seen a black and white movie or subtitled film. Most will only have the vaguest notion about when the silent era was. The majority would struggle to pin point the date when movies began or to list the names of five directors.

No matter. Each to their own. I’m sure each one of you could tell me more about computer games in ten minutes than I’ll ever know. That’s as it should be. Keeping abreast of current trends is an advisable thing when it comes to employment chances, getting laid or just holding up your end of the conversation when down at the pub.

No one wants to be the bore in the corner holding forth on the subtle differences between Charlie Chaplin’s Keystone shorts and those he made a year later at Essanay.

Both the store and this column’s content are niche market stuff. For that no apologies should be necessary. To be on the periphery of the culture, to resist the cult of new, can be a strong, positive thing. Beyond the pure pleasure of experiencing a work of art from another age or another country there is no keener way of appreciating and critiquing the cutting edge than from the outside looking in. An understanding of the present is always grounded in knowledge of the past.

By happy coincidence two films currently screening in theatres reflect this idea. I write this a week after an Oscars ceremony where The Artist and Hugo shared 10 awards between them. The former is a film buff’s dream, an ode to the silent era whose allusions and asides go far beyond those years. Only the French could have conceived and executed such a loving appreciation of Hollywood mythology.

Hugo takes the clock back further, to very dawn of narrative cinema. Martin Scorsese, today’s greatest living American director, embraces the newest 3-D technology in telling the story of his spiritual antecedent, the illusionist and magician Georges Melies. Give it a few months and Auteur House will stock it.

In the interests of full disclosure I should also confess that this column has a not entirely hidden agenda.

‘Advertorial’ would be too strong a word but its motivations are grounded in the fact that I run an independent DVD rental store toward the North end of town. The shop is called Auteur House and it specialises in classic movies. It’s the opposite of your mainstream, franchise operations. Our focus and our strength are our weekly rentals, a vast collection of titles that range from 1910s serials to the best contemporary movies. In the five years that we’ve been open we have built averitable library, a resource for students of the medium as much as those just looking for a challenging watch.

In the era of Youtube, Megaupload, file sharing and general indifference to copyright Auteur House is something of an anachronism. The sun may well be setting on the DVD rental store as we have come to know it, with even the best shops in the country struggling, yet we are here for the moment and trading, offering a specialist array of stock and quality advice from people who know and love the cinema. Drop in for a browse sometime and you may well be surprised. We’re up the stairs from Mark One Comics on Victoria St, roughly across the road from the clothing store Kathmandu.

Opinion

15

Tangata Tumeke Kia ora Whanau This year I would like to start something new (this page) with something old (words of wisdom from our tupuna).

Every week I will share an inspirational thought from some amazing people – Tangata Tumeke! These words of wisdom come from the Manu Ao Academy and it is hoped will inspire you to try your best in everything you do, especially with your academic studies here at the University of Waikato. So what better person to lead the way then our Te Arikinui Dame Te Atairangikaahu of Tainui. Well-known for her caring and benevolent nature, wisdom, and a clear vision of unifying Maori, she encouraged her people to “pursue quality and excellence in everything you do”. This message urged people to get into the habit of requiring excellence from yourself first, and giving quality service to others – don’t settle for less.

These habits will roll-over to all other aspects of your life, and are a great way to approach your studies.

So where do you begin in the search for excellence? The first week back at uni is always a great time to meet new friends in classes, hang out with roommates in the halls, or get to know a new flat mate. It’s also a time to catch up with friends from last year that passed their exams and so are sitting next to you in class again (congrats). Week one also provides an opportunity to test out your new classes and decide whether or not it fits into your academic pathway, and sometimes even change a class before you’re stuck with a huge bill, and a paper you don’t even like or need. Most importantly it’s another chance to get those academic goals back on track, and maybe even discover some amazing things about you, while learning some new skills along the way.

So how are you supposed to do that you may ask? Well, a good start is to find that bright yellow bag with a huge “W” on it, discard the left-over chicken crackers, forget the noodles which have been half-eaten, and take hold of the “WSU” diary. Open it up – and start writing things in it – you could start with your “A Semester Timetable” which includes classes and tuts (tutorials), and fill in the dates for your assignments. Family and best friend’s birthdates are also big on the importance scale, as well as your Mum’s birthday – if you plan on being feed during the breaks, when you go home.

Next on the ‘to do list’ is to find that “WSU Planner” lying under a bed or behind a random piece of furniture somewhere, get some thumb-tacs and put it up on the wall in your room, and transfer some info from your diary on to it. Now, you will have a personal planner and a diary and you are ready to go! And for those who

16

Lifestyle

registered at the Maori info day, you should be twice blessed with student resources.

Okay, so, just in case things a going a little array in your world, here’s a quick list of people you can talk to if you need a hand: Academic Help, Study Skills: Maori Mentors (School of study); Pastoral care or Career advice: Maori Consultants, Career Advisors (Schools of study) – just ask at reception; Advocacy: WSU; Resources and Computer skills: Library Staff; Friendships: join a Maori Student Network or a Club on campus, Whanau: ring Mum (or Nana), still feeling a little lost: stop in for a chat or email me at vpmaori@wsu.org.nz.

The best thing is to get involved in uni life, it’s actually amazing once you settle into the flow of everything. Once you get moving the momentum will help you to continue to form new habits that will help lead to pathways of excellence.

Priscilla (Davis) Ngatai Ngapuhi, Ngatihine, Ngati Kahungunu, Ngati Rongomaiwahine

VP Maori @ WSU 2012

“Pursue quality and excellence in everything you do” - Dame Te Atairangikaahu

m a S It’s not easy being green

Unless riding a ‘bicycle’ was innuendo, Freddie Mercury and I feel the same way about biking. And possibly the cyclists. They’re awesome. I’m not in the lycria brigade and I don’t have clippy shoes or anything that might resemble toned or tanned legs. I am by no means a cyclist. But I have recently become a bit mad about biking.

Others might argue that I am a bit mad in general…

Don’t listen, it’s lies. Transport might not be the most sexy of subjects, but Dennis Kucinich, a recently ousted US Congressman, get’s it. “Sustainability is a principle that must infuse our whole approach to life. And the environmental movement is the path toward that”.

Transport is intricately connected to the patterns of our society and is part of the foundation of how we live our lives. Fortunately, Green is vogue. Biking is cool.

Helmet hair can be overcome with relative ease and safety lights can flash so fast that biking at night is more like a party for one. Gone are the days of biking being for the overly enthusiastic, the crazies or the frugal.

Can I change papers?

Jenny has enrolled in a science degree but wants to change some of her papers. What can she do?

As soon as possible, Jenny should go online to iWaikato and look for change of enrolment. She can complete the changes online. If she wants to withdraw from the paper without penalty and get full refund, she must do that by 5pm on 16th March. Again this can be done online. Note: to avoid an “incomplete” on your transcript (not a good look for employers!), you must withdraw by 13 April (no refund available after 16 March).

Note: if you have a student loan, make sure the refund has been credited towards the loan.

Bikes are so cool that our friends at bikewise want you to have $200 to buy one. They’ll also give you an extra $100 worth of bike gear. What you need to do is write a list about why biking is great, and send it to Nexus. Best list wins. Some reasons bikes are the best: carbon emissions. Zero. My inner nerd wants to tell you cool things like each kilometer that you ride your bike instead of driving, saves approximately 0.3kg of CO2. And that 1,037 kilometers on a bike uses the energy equivalent to 1 liter of petrol. The fitness factor. It feels like flying!

You can park anywhere, and it’s free. No traffic. No rage.

And zooming past cars stuck in traffic is a pretty good feeling… It is cheap as chips. Your hippocampus will love you (that’s the party of your brain that remembers stuffaerobic exercise helps it remember better). Biking around means you get some headspace, time to mull over the day and just be with yourself. Einstein came up with his theory of relativity while riding his bike… What’s not to love about biking. Actually. There is something. Lots of large metal somethings. Cars, the half arsed attempt at having ‘cycle lanes’ and the stupid drivers that dominate them. Our rubbish cycle lanes have even lead me to yell into car windows on occasion (only to be overcome with embarrassment because amidst my rage all I could muster was “be safe for cyclists!”). It’s not that I hate cars. I just hate that our society is completely geared towards individuals doing the car thing, that they take up so much space Ben within cities, an inefficient ofto resources hasour enrolled in aare science degree but use wants change and dangerous people oncan bikes.

Mostly, I just hate that some of hisfor papers.

What he do? we let cars be essential. They are (artificially) essential As we soonhave as possible, should go onlinetransport to iwaikatosystem and because such anBen abysmal public look for change of enrolment.

HeMy canfutile complete the changes and a passion for building roads. resistance to online. Ifof heawanted withdraw the paper without cars consists refusaltoto get myfrom drivers license.

Having penalty get never full refund, he must that bya5pm 11th accepted thatand I will be cool, notdo having car on doesn’t March. Again this can be done online. concern me. What concerns me is that without a car there are some serious to participating in society.

Note: to avoidbarriers an “incomplete” on your transcript (not aWe good need alook culture shift. So you go on, some funApril between for employers!), mustput withdraw by 1st (no your legs. a bike! refund Ride available after 11 March).

Can I change papers?

Note: if you have a student loan, make sure the refund has been credited towards the loan.

The Hamilton Area Citizens Advice Bureau provides advice

The Citizen’s Advice Bureau Hamilton provides advice and and information four locations.

They are at 55 Victoria information from fourfrom locations.

They are at 55 Victoria St St (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm), 70 Kent St Frankton (Mon-Fri9am(Mon-Fri 8.45am-5pm), 70 Kent St Frankton (Mon-Fri 9am-4.30pm), Garden Place11am-2pm) (Mon-Fri 11am-2pm) and the 4.30pm), Garden Place (Mon-Fri and the Cowshed at the University 11-1pm).

They also1-3pm). have legal, advocacy Cowshed at(Thurs the University (Tues-Thurs They also and consumer services available where you can get more have legal, advocacy and consumer services available specialized Book appointment WSU. wherehelp. you can getanmore specialisedathelp.

Phone the CAB on 0800 367 222 (0800 FOR CAB) or look

Phone the CAB on 0800 367 222 (0800 FOR CAB) or look at the at the www.cab.org.nz CAB website www.cab.org.nz CAB website

Lifestyle

17

Club Spotlight Waikato University Brewers and Distillers Club.

New for 2012 is the Waikato University Brewers and Distillers Club. A club for anyone how enjoys the taste of a good alcoholic beverage. In no way is club about getting wasted on cheap nasty booze! We love high quality drinks and drinking socially.

of the aims of the clubs is that we can learn together and create better and more tasteful creations. Many alcoholic successes can be born with the creative tastes that students possess, because as the world knows us students like to drink.

New Zealand is one of the few countries in the world in which people can freely brew their own beer and distil spirits for personal uses. We decided that we should be taking full advantage of this legality and have taken it upon ourselves to experiment and explore the world of making alcoholic drinks.

The club will have a $20 membership fee but the benefits you will get out of the fee will soon see your investment paying off! The membership fee is to cover the purchase of equipment that we will need to create our concoctions.

As a member of the club your will not only gain valuable knowledge about brewing and distilling your own alcohol but the club will also have numerous events that you can attend. As we will be creating many different types of alcohol and we will be holding tasting evenings for you to come and try out your successes or failures.

While our journey has been short we have already found the joys and excitement of making your own alcohol.

Although there is a definite science behind it we have found that even though we arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t science students we have still enjoyed learning the different scientific sides to brewing and distilling alcohol. We started this club as an endeavour to share our journey and excitement with fellow students. We are going to set up information evenings with experienced brewmasters in the hopes that we can learn from their years of knowledge.

Making your own alcohol can be a fulfilling and rewarding journey that will definitely have its highs and lows. One

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Lifestyle

As we all have learned being a student is not cheap. Once you have brought your Macas and alcohol for the week there usually isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t much left. As a member of this club you will soon learn that with a very small amount of effort you can yourself create better tasting and cheaper alcohol than you will find at the store.

If you would like to join the club simply jump on your Facebook account and search Waikato University Brewers and Distillers Club.

Live Free or Die, er, Hard.

The weeks following Orientation Week are very similar to the morning after a mammoth night in town – you feel like shit and everything has changed for the worst.

If you are a first year you probably walked past that Village Green on Monday morning and discovered a barren plot of grass with a rancid lake backdrop.

deals, House has $5 pizzas on a Wednesday and The Outback and Bar 101 also do cheap meals throughout the week.

That’s right, no more soapy soccer, no more promo chicks and no more Soundscape (until at least July).

However, if you are really struggling, a job in a food establishment guarantees an unhealthy amount of free food while approaching bakeries as they wrap up their daily trading can also result in a cheap snack.

Furthermore, if you are a bit of a gambler there is an easy way to a free fast food meal: it does require a vehicle and can only be done semi-regularily but it is tried and true.

The magic of O-Week has well and truly passed, like that inevitable morning after when you end up kicking your new fuck buddy out of bed. You have probably opened your wallet to pay for their taxi (because that is just good manners) and discovered that you are broke. Welcome to the real student life. Student debt is a huge issue with the educated nation already owing over $12 billion and it’s only going to get worse.

Some of you may be getting funds from Mummy and Daddy and others will have good paying jobs as strippers (I know of at least two students currently paying their way through Uni this way) but most of you will not experience those sorts of pay cheques and will be forced to live day to day. Then, when Studylink fucks up your allowance or living costs loan - which will happen - you will really discover how to make your money stretch.

We’ve all been there and that’s why we asked our dodgy student friend to give us his advice to living skint

Food Recent figures released by Statics New Zealand show that Kiwis pay some of the world’s highest prices for basic foods including milk, chicken and eggs. The report, released at the end of January, shows that fresh milk has risen 24.1 per cent, bread prices are up 40.9 per cent and cheese has soared by 51.3 per cent in the last five years – in comparison wages have risen by an average of only $5 an hour. If you are a first year student fresh off the farm this may come as swift kick in the stomach.

But fear not there are a lot of cheap and free options out there; many of the bars have ridiculously cheap meal 20

Feature

Take the drive through at any franchised fast food chain during peak hour and you will be directed, by concrete curbing, to the box where the pimply teen will ask for your order. When there all you need to say is “Sorry, I’ve left my wallet at home” then you drive to the Mc-Window and wait. If you are patient enough you will be rewarded with the meal of the person behind you. If you’re not so keen to rip-off Mc-KFC-King but are really down on your luck there is a soup kitchen that operates out of Garden Place every Friday night – you’ll just have to fight off the evergrowing number of transients for your fill.

Sex Of this list of quirky and unusual ways to get ‘free’ and cheap things this is probably the easiest to obtain; however it can also be the most expensive due ,in part, to the lofty dating standards sold to us in movies and magazines – fuck you Edward Cullen.

And when you break it down, dating is just a nicer version of prostitution. You buy each other shit you don’t need in an effort to get laid (see: anniversaries and why men really care about them).

Lucky for you getting wet or hard doesn’t have to cost… unless you are really that useless and actually have to pay directly for sex. The desire for intimacy is universal and you’ll quickly discover - through talking dirty, being a peeping tom or just outright asking – that men and

women are just as bad as each other. Contrary to the more masculine way of thinking, women start training their index fingers at the same time as guys start working on their grip but, just like passing wind, most girls deny they do it.

Those women are liars.

Regardless, women are just as filthy as men; it just takes Bar 101 and a bottle of Smirnoff to unlock that meaning that getting laid can be as easy as buying a drink for your new friend.

If you are too tight for that you could claim that the huge number of drink spikings in the early 2000s have made it socially unacceptable to buy a member of the opposite sex a drink … but it’d be rude not to accept one that’s bought for you.

Getting laid in University is stupidly easy; if you are a guy you don’t have to compete anymore with the muscley dickhead who ruled the playground: the girls here respect intelligence and humour, but above all they respect a guy who can actually approach them. If you are a girl all you need to do is say yes.

If all of that is still too hard (no pun intended) there’s a little known fact that the mighty Waikato has a significantly large swinger population and up until the end of last year Hamilton had its very own sex club. The Victoria St venue was a popular spot for all things dirty and, well, free but was closed after thieves gutted the insurance-free business. The community is still very active on sites like NZswingers and NZDating, making it the easiest way to get laid without having to pay for a single date.

High

gas has become ridiculously expensive and a trip North of the Bombays can easily cost over $50, plus the cost of drugs and food and drink and more food.

Rest assured there are still a few tried and true ways to get high around the Waikato without sniffing glue or petrol. Opium poppies grow in a number of backyards in Ngaruawahia (oddly due to their appearance and not for any medicinal qualities), and nutmeg gets you body stoned if you can stomach it.

Then there’s the ADHD kid you can buy Ritalin from, the emo who you can buy anti-depressants from, or that weirdo you have to befriend to get free weed from (see: adult male who plays an Ocarina).

Bars Two years ago, at the height of the recession, door charges were introduced as bar patrons (students) decided to cut their bar budgets and start arriving in the CBD at midnight instead of earlier like in the past. This lack of money forced bar owners to unite and slap on entrance fees. A few bars rebelled but largely they all followed suit.

However, there are numerous ways to get around the door charge (if you are not promo girl quality); If you turn up early and get a stamp you won’t have to wait in line later in the night and will also avoid that dreadful cost. Knowing the bouncers grants easy and cheap access while being a DJ or in a band guarantees free entry and drinks (I’m pretty confident the guys who run Soundscape haven’t paid entry to a bar or show since the door charge was put on).

If bars aren’t your thing but you still want to get drunk and laid then throw a party and claim ‘anything’ left behind - it’s dick move but I’m pretty sure you can claim ‘anything left behind’.

It was once a rite of passage for young Hamiltonians to get stoned and drive to Wendy’s in Auckland in their own Harold And Kumar adventure. Unfortunately, like food, Feature

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O-Week in Pics

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Feature

Feature

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The People Said...

Questions 1) Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s your name?

2) What are you studying?

3) Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s your favourite thing about uni so far?

1) Duncan, Elia and Les 2) Mechanical Engeering, Sport and Leisure, Law 3) The fact that glow in the dark condoms were being given away next to a sausage sizzle 1) Josh 2) Engeering, 3) Free Stuff

1) Sapphire (WSU President) 2) Social Enterprise 3) Vice Chancellor Roy coming down to talk to the students

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Entertainment

O-Week Nights

Entertainment

25

Endless Boogie

Six60

Fevah FM & Nexus present:

tickets six60.co.nz

Static Bar on Hood St, 9pm start.

Wednesday 14th

Altitude on Alexandra St, 7pm - 11pm

?

$5 beer & pizza from 6pm + Fevah FM DJ's

Tickets at six60.co.nz

w/ X-ray Fiends

Tuesday 13th

An Emerald City

w/ Bond Street Bridge and Gang Violins, Yot Club

Friday 16th

SKINT

House on Hood 7pm - 11pm

Thunderdykes

The Beggar's Way and Viking Weed

Friday 16th

Yot Club, Raglan, doors open 9pm

Static Bar on Hood St doors open 9pm

$15 pre sale (undertheradar.co.nz) or $20 on the door.

FREE!

Miss Burlesque NZ Saturday 17th

Altitude on Alexandra doors open 7.30pm

Thur/Fri 15th/16th

The Collective presents

Drum n Bass, Glitch Hop and Dubstep w/ Kaon, Hybrid, Breadman, Phonetics and Dold.

Saturday17th

Flow Bar on Victoria St, doors open 9pm FREE!

St Patricks Party Saturday 17th

Agenda on Victoria St,

followed by massive St. Patricks Party!

tickets eventďŹ nder.co.nz

FREE!

NZ’s Start-up Scene | Exciting & Full of Opportunities NZ is very much a business start-up nation. The majority of kiwis have the number 8 wire mentality instilled in them at an early age. I believe it’s this mentality that creates the many entrepreneurial minds we have. We are observant and are opportunists – this combined with common sense and a general can do attitude is what makes the NZ start-up scene so exciting. In recent years a new start-up scene has emerged, which is the 48 Hour business start up competitions. These events are intended to expose entrepreneurs to expertise, networks and potential investors. There are generally three deliverables expected from an event like this; a business plan/ model, a proof of concept and a pitch to investors. This phenomenon will be hitting Hamilton on 31 March – 2 April 2012. The Hamilton competition has been named the Innes 48 Hour Business Start-up Competition after the pioneering 1900’s entrepreneur Mary Jane Innes who is responsible for Waikato Draught. Lets face it; we don’t know what we don’t know. I think this sentiment is often forgotten about in our entrepreneurial minds.

We think we either know it all or can learn as we go. We might be able to learn about each aspect of starting a business but this takes time, and money is often wasted on prototype mistakes or uneducated punts. Its events like the Innes 48Hr Start-up Competition that will give budding entrepreneurs the knowhow, encouragement and excitement to launch a new business idea. These competitions always start off with inspirational presentations and pleasantries from those who have done it all and conquered in the business world. This year participants will hear from headliners Neil Richardson who is a start-up guru and investor based here in the Waikato and Seeby Woodhouse who founded Orcon Internet. Many other inspiring business leaders will

Soda Inc accompany these over the weekend. Participants will then be asked to break out into their groups where they will receive a goodie-bag full with all they need to develop a kick ass business model & prototype in just 48 hours.

Teams are allowed to spend up to $500 of their own start-up capital to develop the structure of their business.

Teams will work throughout the day with mentors available around the clock determining their value proposition, customer segments, key activities, key partners, channels, cost structure, revenue streams, customer relationships and key resources. At 5pm on Sunday, teams must submit their business plans. After this teams will then develop a pitch and carry on creating their prototype whether it be a mobile app, online store etc. Then along comes the pitch… Teams stand up in front of the judging panel and give a five-minute presentation to blow their minds and sell the idea with a view to gain investment. These start-up weekends are high energy and very rewarding. They provide a fun and exciting way of meeting other like-minded and motivated entrepreneurs.

Networking is so important in business and there is nothing like a bit of competition to keep you on your toes.

You will make new friends, new contacts and learn loads of skills that you did not have at the start of the weekend.

If any readers are interested in entering a team, do it!

Registrations are free and your student unions have got on board with sponsorship to cover the start-up capital.

So stock up on coffee and prepare for a weekend that you wont forget!Visit www.startup48.org.

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Waikato Accounting Careers Expo

Come along and discover what options are available to you on the completion of your studies.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a great chance for you to establish relationships and networks with employers and also seek some great career advice.

Friday 16th March 10.00am In the

Telecom Playhouse

Gallagher Academy of Performing Arts

For more info phone 0800 WAIKATO or visit http://events.waikato.ac.nz

Half Baked With Mel The Cake A few weeks ago I attended a friend’s 21st, my hands were blue and seven rtds later I was much drunker than seven rtds should ever make anyone. Let me tell you all about how this joyous occasion came about.

Months before this I had been talking to this friend about his penchant for novelty cakes, at some point the subject of his 21st birthday came up and I volunteered to make him a novelty cake for the occasion. Being the notebook watching-cupcake baking type that he is we had thrown about ideas such as a dinosaur, fairy princess or race car cake, it was going to be a fun cake. One fateful day I received the text “do you think you could make a rowing boat cake?” (did I mention he was a rower) and my overly creative brain started figuring out just how I could make little people out of icing and a boat out of chocolate.... in moments I had woefully over estimated my ability to make fancy cakes and I had agreed.

The first sign of trouble came when I began making a head out of ‘white icing’ (the cheap supermarket version of fondant). Having successfully dyed the icing to a flesh colour and rolled a sphere vaguely head shaped I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing. I’m a fucking cake making extraordinaire. Then I tried to put a face of the sphere, what I ended up with looked a bit like something a five year old might have made from plasticine. Next I tried to make limbs and pin them to a cake body with skewers. It turns out that’s not as easy as you might expect, cake impaled with skewers does not hold up the weight of little icing arms. The whole thing held for about half a second, before crumbling bits of limb and body in different directions all over my bench, like some horrific icing car crash. Luckily this was all a test run a week out, I decided that I could fix all problems and carry on with the proposed rowing cake. What did I say earlier about over-estimating my abilities?

The weekend of the party rolled around and I spent my Friday baking cakes, and moulding little body parts out of icing. I didn’t have a cake tin big enough for the proposed giant cake so I improvised with a meat dish and a pie dish.

Genius. What did I say earlier about being a cake making extraordinaire? The faces at this point looked like boobs with smiles, with little nose nipples. By Friday night I had all necessary cakes baked, and weird misshapen sausage bodies sitting atop weird misshapen sausage legs. I spent the rest of the evening swearing and throwing things as I tried to fashion hot pants and singlets out of icing and stick them on the little sausage bodies.

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Saturday morning arrived far too soon and bright and early I was up layering the cakes with chocolate ganache.

It wasn’t until I had smushed all the cakes together that I realised just what a monster this cake was, it was MASSIVE......and then I realised I had not yet made the chocolate boat, or the oars....and I had to be at work in an hour. Chocolate was quickly smeared all over skewers and baking paper and thrown into a cool place to dry while I headed off to work my last shift at my crappy franchise job (but that’s a story for another week). The frantic early start and a shift spent having panic attacks about all the pieces actually coming together in some semblance of order in the two hours I had available between my shift finishing and the party starting meant that I didn’t actually eat all day.

Somehow, in the next three hours (yup, I was an hour late to the party, let’s be honest, that was never gonna happen) I managed to cover the monster cake in white chocolate ganache, and then blue butter cream (it was a lake! really!), smush chocolate strips into it in the shape of a boat and then fill the boat with the little rower people ...they were kind of cuddling in the end (but I hear rowers are like that anyway). At some point in the panicked last stages I had managed to cover my hands in blue food colouring, and no amount of soap and scrubbing was getting it off. I still had not had a chance to eat and after a day of panic attacks and stress I wanted to drink, a lot, and quickly. After handing over the cake (and telling him it was no longer my responsibility if the rowers fell to pieces) I got stuck in, awww yeah.

In the end the cake was actually pretty impressive (considering I’m not a professional baker/ cake maker) and my friend was pretty stoked with his rower cake. So I guess it was a win, and as it turns out it was delicious too.

Bonus.

The View As seen by Alix

And so we say farewell to yet another O-Week with all its excitement, entertainment, copious amounts of free shit, and timetable disruptions (read: skipping class). Now, while you’re all actually turning up to class (maybe) and figuring out just what is expected of you and how you can achieve this with the lowest level of exertion, I’ve got a little column here that will provide you with a few pointers to help you out. I’m going to use this little column of mine to address any student-related issues I chance upon throughout the year and inform you where you are all going wrong. Well, that’s the plan anyway.

This first edition will give you a basic “how to” for making a smooth transition into serious study (Haha; not really.

At all) and to behave with proper classroom etiquette.

Re: classroom etiquette; I’m totally serious. Some people are just dicks when it comes to attending lectures and generally existing outside of themselves. These people – travelling mostly in groups - see a lecture theatre and suddenly transform into annoying little creatures that consequently melt your brain, sometimes causing internal combustion. Think Gremlins in a microwave. I honestly have at least 58 moments each semester where I’m internally screaming “Whhhhhhhhhhhhy?!”. But that’s about as much as a melted brain can process. To explain some of the reasons why my brain melts and oftentimes explodes here are two simple lessons:

Whoever’s boyfriend/casual acquaintance/friend-withbenefits/whatever. Especially since EVERYONE behind you can see and hear what you’re doing. And unless you’ve done some pretty serious, and safe to say concerning, stalking you never know if one of her best girlfriends is sitting one row back. DRAMA. Just don’t do it. It makes you look like a bunch of hardcore bitches. It also distracts people from learning, and that’s important too. I think.

Lesson 2.

Lesson 1.

Everyone else: if you see the aforementioned group of hardcore bitches filtering into class, and you actually came to class to learn a thing or two, make sure you seat yourself as far away as possible. This will help you avoid the educational disaster I like to call ‘second-hand stalking’. It will sneak up on you rather quietly and unassumingly, but is still nonetheless lethal. You turn up to class with fresh paper and free O-Week pens intending on taking down some vital notes and absorbing a bit of new information, and you end up leaving with that fresh paper and those untouched free o-week pens, having absorbed nothing but the screens of those bitches in front for the last 2 hours. Happened to me last Tuesday, but I’d rather not speak about it. I now know those girls’ full names, social circles, favourite online shopping sites, and where they all partied for O-Week. Ugh. I DON’T EVEN….

So just avoid it at all costs. You’ll be better off.

Ladies: internet on campus is here for your educational benefit, sure, but don’t pick the most central spot in a lecture theatre to set up camp with your 16 best girlfriends and each of your laptops to “educate yourselves”/group stalk some girl on Facebook who was tagged in an O-week photo with Jane/Ruby/Pixie/

I hope this has been enlightening. Pretty sure my next Tuesday lecture could be a little awkward now… but oh well. Feel free to send in any queries you have on how to behave in certain situations, or any social mishaps you’ve encountered and would like to inform me of. I like a good giggle.

Opinion

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At the University of Waikato There’s no stopping you.

At the University of Waikato, we’re committed to providing a dynamic and unique university experience.

Now that you’re here, you’ll find a world-class education with plenty of support to help you through.

On-campus Student Services include student health, careers office, Citizens Advice Bureau and counselling advice, not to mention our disability, chaplaincy, accommodation and financial services too.

Student Services are located in the Student Services Building (CHSS) beside the Chapel.

For more information visit waikato.ac.nz/sasd

There’s no stopping you E kore e taea te aukati i a koe 0800 WAIKATO waikato.ac.nz

Charlie Sheen says

“Writers for Nexus are battle tested bayonets!”

Nexus has a proud history of righting wrongs and singing songs!

Help us march into the Jedi Temple and kill some padawans and we’ll buy you a beer! Donate us a kidney and we’ll let you smell our fi ngers! The possibilities are endless! fingers!

We want people to do bar reviews! To write political columns! To with writing worship forgotten gods in the bowels of L-Block! Help Jimmy write news! Write us letters telling us your darkest desires! We want comic strip artists, political satirists and Dutch Rudder enthusiasts!

JOIN OUR LEAGUE OF CONTRIBUTORS AND USE YOUR TIGER BLOOD TO DRIVE BACK THE DARK GODS!

YWRC

A living wage-finding the balance Recently I met a lovely independent women (Stephanie) who is making a living- well trying to make a living cleaning. Steph earns what is soon to be the adult minimum wage $13.50 p/h. Steph like many young people is underemployed, but works hard to stay off the dole.

At present she works 25 hours per week and to work these hours she has to travel from site to site in the evenings cleaning. She has been trying for a year to get more hours of work and or find a second job however in this labour market it is difficult to do so, especially when you do not have a computer and are new to the city.

25 hours a week at $13.50 gives her $337.50 before tax to pay her bills. Out of this she has been able to pay the rent for her small flat, power, food and pre pay cell phone. There is little left over to save for emergencies like Steph faced earlier this year.

After a year of cycling from site to site Stephâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s bike broke and it was going to cost her $90.00 to fix. This meant that she had to walk from site to site while she saved up to fix it. Walking from site to site had two negative consequences for Steph, firstly she wore big holes into her shoes36

Lifestyle

so big that it was not safe to wear these shoes to work and she knew if she did she would be turned away. Secondly, some nights Steph would get harassed by men driving past her- a scaryand unfair experience for a young woman.

Stephanie was forced to make a choice, she had to get new shoes so she could work this meant not paying for something. What would you choose not to pay for?

What would you do? Is it fair that a young independent women who is trying to change her life should have to face these challenges? how can we as a society support her?

This story could be an indication that the minimum wage should be higher than $13.50 p/h ($10.80 for New Entrants and Training wage). The cost of living is constantly rising and secure, permanent employment is becoming increasingly hard to find. My fear is that if wages remain low and causal, precarious employment becomes more common the number of these stories will increase. This could mean that there could be less people working to save for a brighter future and more people working and living in poverty. A consequence that is not acceptable in a small developed country.

On My Ipod Nick Johnston Sherpa - The Lesser Flamingo Rating: 4.5/5 Debut albums can often be patchy or a little all over the place. Often the band has been together for 2-3 years, and the result is a collection of songs over that period rather than a more refined, consistent album. Not the case for Auckland power-pop quintet Sherpa. In fact, they’ve managed to come up with one of the best debut albums I have heard in a very long time. Lesser Flamingo is musically varied but consistent in the quality of the songwriting and performance.

The album starts at a blistering pace with the first track ‘Turner’, occasionally slowing down to half time for some Deerhunter-esque psychedelic freakouts. It establishes the overall feel for the album immediately: short, sharp power-pop with plenty of interesting twists and turns.

One of the album highlights, ‘It’s All Good, G’, features synth stabs and fantastic guitar work. A distinctive compositional feature of the album is the rapid changes in tempo, rhythms and textures. ‘It’s All Good, G’ transforms from a catchy indie rock number into a very spacious, very Liam Finn sounding slower mid section.

‘Lunar Bats’ is the first pure pop song on the album, a simple but brilliant song about adoration and infatuation.

It wastes no time to get to the chorus - 25 seconds in fact.

Shifting gear again, the album lurches forward with the fast and noisy ‘Samsong’. It’s driving rhythms and guitar feedback are definitely reminiscent of Die!Die!Die! Like many of the songs on this album, it does not waste time to get to the killer riff or blissful pop hook. It’s all over in just over 2 minutes!

‘Tree’ concludes what feels like the ‘Side A’ of the album.

When it comes to killer riffs, this is the best I have heard in a long time. Great guitars, crunchy bass, gorgeous vocal harmonies, melodramatic lyrics - what more could you ask for? This is power pop at its finest - something I believe we have all too little of in New Zealand.

The second half of the album does not have the same initial impact as the first six songs, but it is equally rewarding upon repeat listens. In general, it is a lot more upbeat, quirky and synth-heavy. Some of the songs are under 2 minutes, but several segue together into a collection of quick, fun, psychedelic tracks.

The album finishes on ‘I’m Happy Just to Lie’. Within the one song, it really sums up the versatility of this band.

Dreamy vocals, psychedelic guitars, fun synth motifs and an instrumental breakdown that crescendos into a final glorious round of the chorus.

My only complaint is that the recordings occasionally let down the band and the song itself. As far as I’m aware, it was recorded in their practice room. I would have personally preferred a little more punch and clarity in the drums which sometimes suffers from the sound of the room it was recorded in. In saying that, the DIY approach to the album obviously gave the band a lot of room to experiment. For any improvement in production if it was recorded in a different space, it might have limited the band creatively if they could only afford a few days in a recording studio. That is a pretty minor gripe though, most of the songs sound fantastic.

It is an extremely rewarding album that I can’t recommend enough. It’s not perfect and it does lose a little bit of steam towards the end, but in general it is an outstanding release … especially for a debut album!

They have played a couple of times recently in Hamilton, including a show two weeks ago at Static. Make sure you see them when they return next, and be sure to grab a CD copy of Lesser Flamingo. You won’t be disappointed!

Reviews

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Quintessential Reading Literacy Lunacy with Courtney Q

The Big O – Lou Paget So figured last week since we had a Nexus dedicated to the Big O that was our epic O’Week that I should dedicate my review to the other Big O....

This book is for all you poor, pathetic students who got lucky during O’Week.... And then got laughed at... Read this book. You won’t get laughed at for your abysmal skills in the bedroom EVER again. In fact you will probably be praised for having some mad as sex skills and become the hottest thing on this campus since a ridiculously attractive ginger got elected Waikato Students Union President.

‘The Big O – How to have them, give them and keep them coming’ by Lou Paget is book written for the explicit purpose of keeping your partner (or f#%k buddy OR yourself) well and truly satisfied. And let’s face it... For most of you lonely students it’s going to be just you and your hand. Or if you take Paget’s advice, you, your hand and a select bunch of sex toys.

Packed full of descriptions of the various kinds of orgasms and how to achieve them, information on exercising to increase your sensitivity to stimulation, a guide to overcoming orgasmic barriers, and a few ‘tried and trusted positions’ this book truly is the Bible of the Orgasm Religion.

The section that most of you will probably flick to is of course the section on the sometimes elusive female orgasm. So you may know it exists (well, we think) but did you know there is ten ways/places a woman can orgasm? Yes indeed boys, so just when you thought you had the female gender all sorted we go and bust that one out!! But ladies, here is the trade-off; there is apparently seven different ways a male can orgasm, so time you get schooled up too. And to help Lou has written an entire section on the Male Orgasm as well.

There is also a rather informative section on enhancers.

Enhancers being a multitude of objects and tricks to really awaken the body and mind and intensify the orgasms you have/assist in giving. We’re talking aromatherapy, massage, aphrodisiacs (and some information on the ones that do and don’t work), lubricants and of course; toys, toys, TOYS! This section also contains a rather interesting technique involving a pearl necklace...

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Reviews

Why did I choose to review this particular book on sex?

Because I own eleven books about sex and this is by far the best of the bunch. Yes, I actually own eleven books on sex.

Why? Because I like power, and knowledge is the best kind of power.

Lou Paget has a unique writing style which is both informative and funny. The way the book is set out makes it simple to pick up and put down whenever you need some particular advice, but also flows from chapter to chapter if you’re a cover to cover reader like me. Oh and did I mention it even has some pictures for those of you who don’t have a fully functioning imagination?

Paget has also written the highly acclaimed book ‘How to Be a Great Lover’, a sex guide for women and ‘How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure’, a book for men looking to really please the ladies.

So my dear fellow University students: Read this book.

You will not regret it. If you can’t find it or just want a taste test, try searching ‘Lou Paget’ in the Waikato University Library Database. There are a few free articles you can find through there to read.

I leave you with a piece of very insightful (read: useless) information: “According to a recent study in the New England Journal of Medicine, women are thirty percent more sexually active during a full moon.”

Happy Orgasming!!

P.S. The next full moon is April 7th.

Great Bucking Night Got photos and stories of great nights out?

Dob in your mate doing dumb stuff or show us some pictures of your epic night out. Best photo wins a prize!

Competition

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