Nexus 2023 Issue 7

IT’S

It’s a new day, a deep breath, a sweaty face, a bootcamp, a catch-up, a challenge, a realisation, a conversation, a push and a pull, a moment of peace, a struggle and a win, a feeling, a superpower, a soundtrack and a stage, a weight plate, a new limit, a grind, a flex, a heavy set, a commitment, a culture, a community, a way of live, a second home, a place to discover your playground.

We think about Nexus as a brand but is it an entity worthy of its own rights and opinions. I really want to know.

As new students, I know it’s kinda weird to pick up a Nexus, this strange mag that you had no idea existed before gracing the hallowed halls of Te Whare Wānanga o Waikato. There are images on the cover, sometimes something controversial and even the odd cock. But who is Nexus and what does it mean? There’s no right answer and there’s no wrong question. This year has seen me become overly symbolic and almost too pretentious in my queries towards life's tough questions. I’m merely the current tone-indicator for Nexus. And it’s currently / notserious.

Each week, I put the question out to my contributors and staff, what do you want to do? We’re all throwing ideas and seeing what sticks, and as we work into a new world for student media there’s no actual answer. What we can discern is that students are here, but how can we look to them for portrayal in the media. Student media is the rare-occasion where the consumer contains and controls the narrative. Yes, that means you–first year in your lab at 11:00 am on a Tuesday [spooky if I get it right]. I don’t want to put out that typical ‘watch this space’ message, causing you all to eagerly wait with our socials notifying you of all the good stuff we’re going to fill your minds with. But I don’t want to continue down the road of strange features and lacklustre news-telling. I want to be different, quirky and unique.

Typical steezy fit from young Jak

I’m not normal, I’m a weirdo. I don’t fit in, I don’t want to fit in.

So here’s what I’m thinking little homies. We’re going to just fuck around in this world of print media. I’m going to create some strange drug pieces, possibly getting drugged again in the hopes of a 4000 word downfall [check out last year's mag @ issuu.com/nexusmag for more]. We’re not going to stick to a structure, and make sure we’re featuring all of you. I want to see what the fuck Waikato is all about. Who are we as a collective? What is our point of difference?

The reason I ask is because we’re a melting pot of everything here. We’re also unique, we don’t fit in. We don’t–you know the rest. Nexus offices are filled with 2 things. My music [follow my playlists] and spirited debates with my Te Ao Māori editor Kae’sharn, debating the campus culture. We’re both Māori, so it’s easy to see tauira māori have the largest numbers on campus. But a dig into archives sees a deep goth culture, bogan’s galore and what can only be described as a cult sacrifice. What happened to us? I want you to tell me. Tell me who you are and how you want to be seen. Let’s put some visibility on the fringe of society.

That’s all from me little homies, I want to hear from you. Letters to the editor so to speak. Tell me more and don’t hold back.

Chur for now, Uncle Jak.

Letters to the Editor

Do you have something to say? Want to complain and a yarn about shit? Nows the time. I want to make something clear though. I am not, nor will I ever, be obligated by any rule or guideline to publish your letter. It’s more a space for you to have a bitch if you need. Call out your mate for being a shit cunt or to just be published.

letters@nexusmag.oo.nz

Nā Jak Rāta

36

Low Five Rad Grad

Dreamy Editor-in-Chief

Jak Rāta editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Burly Boi Creative [Lead Designer] Stien Huizenga design@nexusmag.co.nz

Dipsh*t Deputies [Deputy Editors]

Tehana De Klerk tehana@nexusmag.co.nz

Nexus Classroom

Aria Matthews

Filly Arias

Jasmine Gorman

Social Links

Waikat’ Flats

The C*nt Basket [aka C*nt Flaps according to Jak] 38

42

Pass the AUX

Seamus is young, his playlist is nostalgic but just selfindulgent

43 Puzzles

Horoscopes

Gummon now, do you really need us to explain this? Be so fucking for real...

Seamus Lohrey seamus@nexusmag.co.nz

Salty Staff Scribes [Staff Writers]

Yashanshi Kala

Joel Collins

Te Koretake Etita [Te Ao Maori]

Kae’sharn Hose

Insta Reel Reject [Media]

Jordan Fritz jordan@nexusmag.co.nz

Glorified Sh*t-poster [Socials]

Leilani Summer

Cover + Centerfold Artist @lurker_inc

Contributors

Kat Jones

Ω≈ç87send-nudes∑åœ√©,/... 44

Kaihautu Rāta

Sarah Blake

Random Audtior

Religious Refugee

Disclaimers

Nexus is a magazine made by students, for students. As such it’s sometimes controversial views don’t actually represent those of the Nexus Editor, the writers, or the sponsors.

Location

The Nexus office is located down the hall at the WSU, usually with Alexa playing terribly dated music.

Printing

The Forest Stewardship Council® (FSC®) is an independent, not for profit, nongovernment organization established to support environmentally appropriate, socially beneficial, and economically viable management of the world’s forests. FSC® vision is where the world’s forests meet the social, ecological, and economic rights and needs of the present generation without compromising those of future generations.

Initial figures show a staggering low in census data, we looked at those figures and broke down what was important and what you should take away from that. All information shown is as of the original print date, 20th April 2023. Any changes will be updated.

Yashanshi kala News Writer

1News has released raw figures of the 2023 census, showing that just 649,200 forms have been returned from people of Māori descent. That is 64 percent. This latest data from Statistics New Zealand has attracted a lot of concern, noting that “this year’s Māori census turnout may be worse than the record-low turnout of 2018.”

Census is an essential tool for understanding and planning the country’s future, so a low turnout can be a significant disadvantage moving forward as a community. The forms can be completed online or on paper, which we would assume is a great strategy moving forward to give individuals the option to choose according to their preferences. Only, the results aren’t as such.

Statistics New Zealand had a target of 90% Māori participants this year, relying heavily on their forms for a developing Aotearoa. Only, the numbers aren’t an official figure and could include duplicates, however, the target of 90% is well off with [so far] only 64%.

Statistics New Zealand’s Deputy Government statistician Simon Mason quotes, “We would have liked to see a higher turnout from Māori and Pacific people because they are underrepresented in almost all the data that we have from them.” While still counting the forms, Simon adds, “For the remaining time that we have available to us, it’ll be a hard target [of 90%] for us to meet.”

A further estimate of approximately 357,600 forms are yet to be received from Māori people, about one-third of the Māori population.

Te Whare Wānanga o Waikato’s Tahu Kukutai [Waikato University’s Te Ngira Institute for Population Research] said that would be very difficult to achieve. She indicates she’d be concerned if she was “Stats NZ. It’s a rough indication, but it’s an important one.”

"We do have to be careful because the actual response rates can't be computed until after the post-survey which happens after the census so these aren't gold standard rates, but they are a good indicator of how the rates are tracking."

In 2018, the Māori turnout records census received was about 68%, a low record but it’s worse now, going 4% down.

Professor added, “They have taken on board a lot of the lessons from 2018, a year which went horribly wrong. They put more people on the ground, they've gone to greater efforts to engage with communities, there's certainly a lot more money that's been put into the census this time and they've developed iwi partnerships.”

One of the key factors in the low turnout is likely to be a lack of awareness and understanding about the importance of the census. Many Māori communities are located in rural and remote areas, where access to information and communication can be limited. This can make it difficult for people to understand why the census is important and how it can benefit their communities.

Another factor is a lack of trust in the government and its ability to represent Māori interests. There is a long history of mistrust between Māori communities and the government, which has been exacerbated by a series of high-profile controversies, including the Foreshore and Seabed Act and the ongoing debate around water rights. Keeping this long history in mind, it’s important to now utilise this time to support this particular community and grow their trust in the failing government.

There are also concerns about the quality of the engagement and support provided by the government to Māori communities in the lead-up to the census. While the government has made efforts to improve engagement and outreach, there are still concerns that these efforts are not reaching all Māori communities, particularly those in more remote and rural areas.

To address these concerns, there are calls for greater investment in outreach and support for Māori communities. This could include targeted advertising campaigns, community engagement programs, and increased investment in technology and communication infrastructure to improve access to information and support.

There is also a need for greater recognition and representation of Māori interests in government decisionmaking. For example, involving greater consultation and engagement with Māori communities on policy and decision-making, as well as the creation of more representative structures within government.

Although the government invested over $100 million to get it “right this time” and boosted the delivery of paper surveys by 40%, as well as doubling the number of census workers on the ground to 3,500, the results aren’t as appealing. Statistics New Zealand must really consider various “factors” to boost the Māori community’s engagement for the future.

New Zealand is experiencing a sharp decline in interest and arrivals of overseas-based nurses, according to new data from Immigration NZ. Unfortunately, our Prime Minister’s strategy of increasing the minimum wage since April 2023 hasn’t made much of a positive difference in our lives, including the nurses.

The visa applications and acceptances from nurses have plunged in recent months, with numbers more than halving since August 2022, details Immigration New Zealand. In the eight months from January to August 2022, an average of 126 nurses arrived each month, but in the seven months since, the average is just 59. This is a significant concern for the country's nursing union (NZNO), who believe their 55,000 workforce is already short by around 4000-5000 nurses.

Kerri Nuku, the union’s organiser, is not shocked and says the new numbers fit with her anecdotal experience. Nuku tells APP, “We’re just not seeing the same interest in New Zealand at the moment.”

Compounding New Zealand's struggle is the surge of interest among its workforce moving to Australia. Last month, 4,951 Kiwi nurses had registered with the Australian health regulator AHPRA since August, a necessary step before crossing the ditch. This has led to concerns that the total nursing workforce is shrinking at a time when it needs to grow.

The government has acknowledged the decline and has

made steps to keep nursing staff, including agreeing to a number of pay deals. Around 8000 community nurses will now get a wage hike of up to 15 per cent. However, New Zealand still relies heavily on a steady stream of overseas nurses to maintain its health workforce. The issue is, new Immigration figures show that overseas nurses aren’t arriving and aren’t even interested.

To lure overseas nurses, Immigration Minister Michael Wood designated registered nurses on the "green list" as a profession that would receive automatic residency in December 2022. That approach failed as the data provided to AAP shows, stated in an article, “applications and arrivals dropped in the first three months of 2023 from the final three months of 2022.”

While the Immigration Department’s process of residency applications from two years ago remains slow and ethically questionable, Prime Minister Chris Hipkins makes empty promises. “This certainly makes us very competitive in terms of the immigration pathway, and then we'll continue to work with health providers around how they make sure they are providing attractive offerings to people to want to come here." He hopes the “expansion” of the green list is enough to attract nurses.

While Prime Minister issues statements, the nursing union is planning a National Day of Action for nurses, with rallies in 20 cities expected to draw thousands, in a bid to raise awareness of the critical need for more nurses in the health workforce.

Yashanshi kala

Mana wāhine nurses

Every NZ citizen is eligible for a $15,000 post Covid Health and Welfare Payment.

Don’t look into this one, just ring up IRD and demand it. Tell them I sent you. Trust.

Huntly are placing a toll gate on the Waikato River at $5 a vessel.

Apparently Huntly still hasn’t noticed that nobody wants to go through Huntly because it’s, well, Huntly. This initiative is only bound to push people away and make it worse..

Richie McCaw is moving to New Plymouth to run for the mayoralty with a new tattoo on right forearm saying ‘TARANAKI

As a Cantabrian, I can’t believe it. I know he originally betrayed Otago for us but this is a new low, Richard.

Chris Hipkins is making being bald Illegal.

A strange one but it seems legit. Clearly it’s a bit targeted because half of the opposition are balding, old men.

I heard the CEO, Greg Foran, say it was because “nobody wants to bloody go there anyway.” His words, not mine.

HARDCORE’.

Air New Zealand are going to announce they’re no longer flying to Napier.

and feet the size of dinner plates.

I understand that it’s irrational for sure but instead of pouring money into something that scares the life out of me, I thought I’d look into things that I actually enjoy, or anything that gave me a good chuckle when I was looking into photos of them. So here’s a small list of sports I’d much rather take my 10 huck and bet on than horses or kuri.

Ultimate Frisbee

I’ve been seeing this more frequently at the parks near beaches, or shamelessly on a busy field in front of arguably real sports. What’s interesting about Frisbee is just how into it the players are. They’re pouring their heart and soul into a game that simply looks silly from the outside perspective. There’s nothing negating the definite talent I’m sure it takes to play but that won’t stop me side-eyeing them. Also there's no referee - this is part of the ‘Spirit of the Game’, or Ultimate’s emphasis on sportsmanship and fair play. So no rules right?

Unicycle Hockey

So it’s like if clowns got so fed up with making everyone laugh and took to the

condescending single track across their dome. Sign my gumby ass up.

Crate [day] Running

Is this not purchasing a crate too late on crate day? I know you’ve all been a victim to this, why would we not capitalise on this?

Hairiest Back

One for the girls. I’ve read tales of men dropping shirts to compete for the thickest patches of hair covering that untouched skin. I don’t know about you, but you ever just look at someone and just know they’re hiding bigfoot under their carhartt sweaters. So I’m sure I could make bank on figuring out who’s who in the world of hairy boys.

Egg+Spoon Race

A childhood classic, and one for the books. I want to just take a minute to appreciate how intense those kids can get when there’s the promise of what, a chocolate bar or some stickers? Either way, it’s kill or be killed. I’m putting my money on the wee speck-wearing tyke. They’re the ones to watch, so to speak, because you know there’s nothing else going on in that head.

Unicycle Hockey

Ultimate Frisbee

Crate Running

Egg and Spoon Race

Jak Rāta

Crush of the Week

— Lisa

Blackpink just headlined at Coachella and were fucking amazing. While these four women were great in their own way, we have to talk about Lisa (marry me please). She absolutely bodied her performance to her solo song “Money”; it’s all over TikTok and we are living for it. The outfit, the hair, the fucking TALENT. Blackpink really ate up that stage and reminded haters why they will always remain iconic.

And if Lisa told me to jump, I would ask “how high?”.

Cheeky 10 [People that would survive a zombie apocalypse]

Keanu Reeves

Does this really need an explanation?

Bro would fuck up all his opps and still be humble about it.

Chuck Norris

He might be 83, but he’s Chuck Norris.

Vin Diesel

He would use the power of family.

Pete Davidson

This one is a bit of a stretch, but he would probably rizz up some badass survivors or the zombies.

Will Smith

He was not in I Am Legend for you to disagree with this. He would probably unleash all his pent up anger.

Uma Thurman

Get this woman a katana and it’s all over.

Milla Jovovich

She performed all her stunts (except one) in Resident Evil (which literally has zombies). Need I say more?

Jet Li

At this point I don’t even need explanations because who is gonna one up this guy.

Andrew Lincoln

He’s Ricky Dicky Doo Dah Grimes.

Kit Harington

He’s Jon Snow.

Coachella

“ATTENTION ALL SHOPPERS, be advised that there is a gang war happening in aisle 9, a race war in aisle 4 and a Star Wars in aisle 13. They’re filming a flashback to an alternate dimension where Luke Skywalker works at a shitty countdown and is straight. Wait, actually I think it’s a drugfueled hallucination where he’s stealing from a countdown and he’s straight. I’m not sure the specifics except that they made Luke straight in this one. I must say, I’m excited to see it.

All customers, remember to have a spend-tastic day!” There, announcements are done. I sure am glad I didn’t say anything embarrassing, like how I sleep on the toilet paper in the toilet paper aisle ever since my wife kicked me out of the house after learning how much time and money I was spending on Minecraft Pocket Edition. Whelp, time to play some Minecraft Pocket Edition!

News in Numbers

is where Chelsea sits in the Premier League. This is the only good news I have as a Spurs fan.

Moving on, today we have a special deal where if you return stolen posters and other stolen promotional items, you get a free Pinky bar! Discludes items stolen while the deal is in place, assholes. Other clearance deals today include discounted toilet paper (unraveled), gasoline sold by the Pump bottle, and 100% off Emily in Produce. Oh and one last thing, Emily? Run.

Also be advised that there has been a large spill in the bakery section and it is heavily advised to avoid that area. Joey had a bit of an accident while making his tiger bread, it turns out his ‘secret ingredient’ he’d been using wasn’t mayo. The thing is he had a whole vat saved up and now that’s getting cleaned out of the floor tile ridges so we’re only gonna be able to sell one tiger bread every seven minutes from now on. Actually, I’m just getting an update, and allegedly his new record is six.

There’s a year old Rachel Foster completed the Boston Marathon six months after suffering traumatic brain injury. What a woman.

minute scene of Thanos getting the power stone was deleted from Infinity War. Give us the Thanos Cut.

I was forced to attend church every week as a youngun, no exceptions - every week, 52 times a year.

Just because I have been fortunate in my life does not mean I owe any thanks to a magic man in the sky. For every one of me, there is someone who suffers great misfortune - are they cursed by a magic man in the sky?

I have found hard work to be more effective than prayer when it comes to achieving my goals.

You cannot be convinced out of your belief in god. The same way I am very unlikely to be convinced out of my rejection of the supernatural. These are very deeply ingrained view points that colour our experiences differently, one person drawing holy meaning out of the ordinary and seemingly extraordinary (interpreting coincidences/thoughts/feelings as proof of god's existence), and one person thinking it aint that deep. I know for I used to be like you, my faith was strong, with no doubts in my mind, being reassured by all manner of trivial things.

How can there be a god who is benevolent, all-knowing, and allpowerful in this world we live in. A world so full of suffering. I am sure you have heard the debating points before.

I used to be like you - my faith was strong, Around the age of 10, I was desperate for proof of God.

At Sunday School, we were being taught how to pray. This was a Pentecostal church, where the outright supernatural was encouraged. I already could not speak in tongues. How inadequate I felt, the least pious in the room.

Being taught how to pray, we were told to tell the teacher in front of the class what God was telling us in our prayer.

God didn’t say anything to me - I only had my own thoughts in

high allow one of his followers to take bad drugs and end up in hospital, just a few years ago. surely he could have prevented this

have tried with Mother -

This is a regret, it only brought us grief.

I think that worrying about the truth of something innately unknowable, indeterminate and unprovable such as “is God real” or any take on what happens when consciousness ends

contradictions, full of tales of barbary and slaughter of ages

past. The collective human knowledge base surely surpassed that of those ancient uneducated writers long ago. What first put doubts in my mind was the very book itself. At 13, urged by Christians such as you, I opened the holy book. I picked a random page, sure that God would guide me to wisdom I needed to read.

What was written on those pages disgusted me.

How a God of love urged his tribe to brutally massacre all their neighbours, because their origin story and magic man in the sky was slightly different.

How misogyny, homophobia, and hate fill those pages.

More progressive strains may claim a poetry in the madness, not to be taken literally. The pastor on Sunday often speaks in an uplifting tone, bringing positive energy to all manner of everyday topics. Does this make his book any more true? Cherry picking only the most appropriate lines, slicing and dicing around the unsophisticated brutality. Completely disregarding the first half.

If such gymnastics are needed to make the Bible palatable, does that not make you wonder of the true nature of the book? Have you ever wondered about the origin of religions? How they are born, how they spread, why people believe? A phenomenon as natural as you and me. Every culture has an origin story. How is it that all the others are blasphemy, but you are correct? You curse me for being prideful for giving up the faith. “How you think you know everything, child”. I only see your pride, believing all others to be wrong, you holding the truth. I do not claim to know the answers to such matters as “is god real” and what happens after we die. These are unknowable. I surely believe there to be no supernatural plane. But why would this God have caused me to change my mind? How cruel of him to curse me for my unbelief, banishing me to hell if I don’t return to the fold, even though it was him in control of everything the whole time.

How silly it is to hate someone due to the way they are.

Mother, I have first hand heard the most awful of curses you lay on the LGBT community. Little do you know my brother, your own son, is a proud member of the community, your words hurt him greatly. He is honest and proud in all but a select few instances - still in the closet at the Christmas dinner. I see the religion fuelled hate on the news, it seems hard to find a religion of peace, Christianity is no exception. A god who judges you for not just your actions, but the very thoughts that pop into your head out of your control does not sound like. this surely is terrible for a child going through puberty, all new thoughts going through my mind,

Am I evil? what must I do to repent for my sins, I thought to myself.

Religion places such grave danger on the mundane.

Masturbation, premarital sex, getting a tattoo. As I have grown, I have broken many rules of your holy book. Why place so much meaning in these random acts? Why did you deprive me of watching Harry Potter all my childhood, convinced it was the work of the devil? Surely you see how silly you were. I missed out on a lot of great secular art. Not allowed to listen to secular music, condemned to listening to CCM.

Mother, I have witnessed your spiritual journey following the diagnosis of my sister, your very own daughter. She is closest to you, and you are closest to her.

This has weighed heavily on all of us, and I see your sadness and sorrow as you know it will endure, his life seemingly derailed so young. Can I blame you for your religious journey, so desperate to find piety - I know a religious person could interpret these times as punishment.

What has helped me was the brave souls who came out of the closet before me. Christian heroes of my youth, jolly old Jesus loving Youtubers Rhett and Link, I used to watch their videos as a child. We used to watch them together. I intermittently watched their podcast as an adolescent.

On this podcast, they talked of their spiritual deconstruction, how they navigated all manner of viewpoint shifts from bible bashing Southern baptists in North Carolina to non-believers living in Los Angeles, and how they navigated the deep taboos of leaving the religion of their family. Many religions are like thispromising to banish, disown, cut out those who are on the fence about leaving. Their words helped me reach a similar place to them - I am not a bad person for leaving Christianity. Thank you for reading. I hope it was tasteful to people no matter where they sit spiritually.

I do not like it when Christians say they will pray for me after

hearing me speak about my deeply personal, nuanced spiritual journey. It always comes off as smug.

If you have a differing view point, or want to discuss these matters further, in any capacity, as a closeted atheist or a deity fearing religious person, I would love to hear it. Email me at religious-trauma-anonymous@nexusmag.co.nz

Never Enough by Daniel

Caesar Album

I, like most of you, am a massive fan of Daniel Caesar. Oh wait, you’re not? Well what’s actually wrong with you? He’s got the voice of an angel and his collab with Jessie Reyez–ground-breaking. The Canadian R&B singer’s sleepy, erratic album proves that good old-fashioned love songs and heartbreak ballads are still his strong suit. And you know I can’t help but be in awe that he’s continuously raising the bar, though that doesn’t mean it has no flaws, I’m aware of its downfalls and can recognise where he thrives.

Travelling far afield from the gospel arrangements and acoustic ballads that defined his debut, Caesar has collaborated with Justin Bieber, T-Pain, and Free Nationals, picking up pieces of their sounds along the way. He’s erratically experimental on Never Enough—Auto-Tune, pitched-down vocals, random rap verses, Frank Ocean-like ad-libs. With all the experiments that he’s succeeding, it’s met with subpar writing at times, lacking the depth that I’ve come to expect–bordering on robotic as he lacks the complex structure of Freudian. Is it enough to balance with what can only be described as a clusterfuck of sound?

Three standouts, “Always,” “Let Me Go,” and “Valentina,” show Caesar hasn’t lost his streak,

opting for his tried and true heartbreak anthems to reign supreme. The back half of Never Enough taps into the bedroom R&B of 2018’s “Who Hurt You?” In what’s a swift turn from Caesar’s previous duets with women, the main tracklist—Mustafa, Omar Apollo, serpentwithfeet, Ty Dolla $ign— features men. “Homiesexual,” an ode to male toxicity, is the most harmonious. “I never meant to make you cry, my girl,” Ty Dolla professes to a lover who’s already moved on. Since he monopolised the Auto-Tune, Caesar balances the track with lustful vocals: “I-I-I know you like it nasty.” When he’s not over-intellectualizing his emotions, Caesar can be disarmingly raw. If only he didn’t write like chatgpt the rest of the time.

What’s the final verdict? Caesar hasn’t quite lost it, too me. He’s still spinning yarns, shooting straight while challenging his previous works. I think he’s lacking the feminine touch, no disrespect to the men featured, to help balance out his callous portrayal of sex and lust. There’s all the best parts of his discography, paired with all the worst parts of sultry R&B. Overall, it’s a solid listen and it does the job of capturing my attention from start to [mostly] finish. Thanks Dan, looking forward to the next one.

Jak Rāta

This is genuinely the weirdest shit I’ve ever watched in my entire life, and yet somehow it was really fucking entertaining. MILF Manor is an American reality/dating tv series, similar to the likes of Too Hot To Handle and Love Island. You’re probably thinking it’s about a bunch of hot mums looking for love, which is half true. There is a catch though; the men on this show are their sons. What. The. Fuck. Imagine seeing your mum hook up with someone your age, and you start macking on someone else’s mum. It’s so fucking weird.

Now that you know that, you’re probably wondering why I gave this show a rating of 6. I’ll admit that it's a very uncomfortable idea, and they probably only did it for the fame that might’ve come from it, however it was so funny. I haven’t seen the finale yet, but the drama is already so good. If you can somehow get past how weird it is, you’ll actually have a good laugh about how dramatic and chaotic these people are. And a few of them are actually really funny too.

While the rating for this show is low (which is not surprising, obviously), there are actually a lot of good reviews. One person said it’s “It’s literally like a train wreck, you can’t look away!”. And they meant that in a good way. It’s incredibly

entertaining with a hint of cringey moments that you can actually laugh at. One of the highlights for me was when one guy wrote a song for his date… and SANG IT FOR HER. I was dying from how embarrassing it was but hey, ups to him for having the confidence to do that. And I’ll admit he didn’t have a bad voice, but bro had negative rizz in that moment and still managed to win her over on that date. He even wrote lyrics in Spanish for her, which was actually kinda cool I guess…? You know what, here are the lyrics:

Flaws and all, I want you just the way you are, ah, ah. Let down your walls, Ah ah.

*insert lyrics in Spanish*

I can’t explain this scene and how much I was dying laughing because of it. Like what the fuck was with the “ah, ah”. Wack. But honestly, I might just make this my new ringtone because it’s so bad. If you ever write a song for someone you like, try to not embarrass yourself the way this guy did to all of the viewers.

Anyways, my whole take from this show is that people are weird and entertainment allows it.

Tehana De Klerk

- Seamus Lohrey

P-town baby! I recently had the pleasure of spending some time in the metropolis of Porirua, and man, was it a treat. To say I was oblivious to how much of the country relies on Porirua would be an understatement. I mean, how could I not realise Whittakers had their factory there. Not only this but there was also the first Maccas in the entire country still proudly standing. To me, it was not only rude not to pay a visit to this historical sight but betrayal to my very country. This building ranks among the big hitters like the Beehive. Sacred ground. On top of this, there’s the Police College too. Something for everyone, some might say. It became evident to me, quite quickly, that Porirua is the hub of New Zealand.

I like to think the great Porirua locals such as TJ Perenara, Jerry Collins, and Gary McCormick used to look over the shimmering Porirua Harbour and decide there and then they were going to be awesome. Personally, I know I had my Moana moment looking at it. Something about the mountains cradling the stillness of the harbour is comforting to me. So comforting that I feel obliged to say Rangituhi and the harbour are a better combo than the South Island and mullets. Prove me wrong.

I don’t get the bad rep this city gets. The place is great and the people I met were even greater. There’s clearly a lot of pride shared among the public about where they live and it really rubs off. Look, it’s not a holiday destination you’d pick over other spots in Aotearoa but it’s definitely a place you'd call home. No snobs, only grins and greetings

from the locals. The same can certainly not be said for some of the bigger players in our domestic landscape. P-town needs some extra love put into by the big guns down the road because it bloody deserves it. Keep on, keeping on, Porirua; you get two thumbs up from me.

The rise in living costs: how to keep your expenses down as a university student.

It is common knowledge that university students are broke, and it can get pretty hard for adults with the rise in living costs. So here’s some useful tips to keep your living expenses down.

Groceries and power are one of the biggest living costs. Some easy ways to cut down your food bill are simply planning out your meals and sticking to the shopping list. This ensures nothing goes to waste and you buy all the necessities. Ingredients such as rice, beans, pasta, and potatoes can bulk up your meals with little cost.

Try to do at least a couple meals with your flatmates, sharing a food bill between the household greatly reduces the expense and you can easily have quality meals for 30 to 40 dollars a week if split between everyone.

Another useful tip is not to shop hungry, as the snacks look extra tempting but expensive. Unless of course, you deserve a treat, which you always do.

Easy ways to save on power are to turn everything off by the wall, to wash your clothes in cold water, and to avoid using the heater. If you need to use your heater, even setting it to a couple degrees lower can make a difference to your power bill. Cleaning out the air filter regularly in your heat pump is another useful power saving tip.

Also check if your power company does free or discounted power times. If so, it’s a good idea to run appliances like your dishwasher or dryer during these times. Transport is another big cost, especially if you are commuting to university. If you drive a car, try to fuel up at cheaper gas stations such as Mobile, Pak'n’Save and Waitomo. For extra convenience, the Ruakura Waitomo station is a few minutes' drive from the uni. Otherwise, using public transport such as the bus is an effective way to cut down transportation costs.

And remember, if you are struggling with money for course-related costs such as books and stationery, you can always claim up to 1,000 with studylink. Of course, you could also claim a week’s rent as a course-related cost. However, if caught you could get a penalty including losing your student loan so be careful.

Hopefully these tips can help you save some extra money, and you can spend more on the fun things.

$13.50 $3.50

- Sarah Blake $1.83 $4.00 $8.50

For some undefined reason, I've been trusted enough to write a column about one of the world's most significant phenomena. Take a guess! Nope, it's not the northern lights nor the Bermuda Triangle, but rather something that appears in the form of a mild foot infection, deadly with its contagiousness. I'm talking about Air Force 1s if you still need to catch it or catch on. I am humbled enough to write this as I have fallen victim to their accessibility and comforts. However, it's not 1984 or 2019, so we should pick an alternative shoe for this winter. At least until 2037, when they are bound to be back in the fashion cycle, and chances are we'll all be buying them for our kids.

CLOGS! And not just your typical Boston Birkenstocks. As beautiful as they are, when some things sell out, it's a hint to pick up something more unique. My favourites are the Doc Marten 'Jorge' or the Alias Mae 'Quinn' if you're feeling a bit snazzy.

these too, but I promise they are the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned.

I can't help but let the dad-style shoe saga continue. This article should be called 'For the Hot Dads' [editor's note: we have now]. I love a good vintage white Reebok. But hey, if you're into the all-white aspect of the Air Force, here ya go! The most important thing when it comes to these all-all-white shoes is that you get them dirty. I want them to look like you didn't buy them from Platypus last week but

The finale. The cherry on top. As much as I'd love the pleasure to finish on something like a platform croc (my strange addiction), I fear that you freaks may put jibbitz on them (Sorry, another irrational fear I withhold). Also, this is a winter fashion edit, so until they make shearling lined Crocs, which would be gorgeous, they are off the list. In honour of everyone who ever broke my heart, Dr Martens deserves a spot on this list. They are all classics and beautiful in silhouette, but I'm leaning towards cherry red this season. Mary Janes and anything platform is preferred. Top tip–wear them in the shower to break them in. I wish I had learnt this trick before I raw dogged breaking in at least five pairs!

I’ve never been a fan of reboots, and I probably never will be. When I heard about a Harry Potter tv series in development, my immediate first thought was “fuck off”. However, looking past my own personal reservations about this, I was able to come up with a few reasons why you should not completely write off this reboot.

Firstly, this series is in production under HBO. Honestly, I see this as an absolute dub. Why? Because imagine if it was fucking Netflix that had announced this shit- that would undoubtedly have been an absolute nightmare. At least with HBO, we can acknowledge their great potential because of other series like Game of Thrones… and other shit that I’ve never seen. Basically, all I’m trying to say is HBO is a very safe bet for this remake. (I also just found out that HBO isn’t going to be HBO anymore and it’s just called Max lol).

Moving on, another reason why a tv series

from the books, as most book-to-movie adaptations do. However, a tv series can go more in depth and bring to life more scenes from the books that we missed out on. We could get more in depth backstories, new character developments, and overall just new characters! I mean, haven’t you guys ever wondered what actually went down between Harry and Cho? Or ever been curious about Regulus Black? Or wanted to see the poltergeist Peeves? Even seeing more Death Eaters and their control in Hogwarts once Dumbledore was killed would be fucking awesome.

My next and final point on why revamping Harry Potter could possibly not end up shit is simply that we would be revisiting the Wizarding World. There’s absolutely no doubt that the movie franchise will always and forever remain in our hearts. The original cast will never be outdone. While I personally think it would be cooler to have seen a live action adaption of the Marauder’s,

I’ve not consumed Harry Potter media in a long time, probably something to do with growing up and suspending that level of disbelief enough to realise the error of my ways. With that being said, Harry Potter helped shape a generation of rangatahi as they came into the world, breaking sticks off trees to create a wand that vaguely resembles someone’s john zipped through a pair of carpenter pants. Where’s the joy in remaking a product that’s not broken at all?

Lord of The Rings comes to mind. This is a film trilogy known for its visuals, strong score and breathtaking wig budget. Arguably a strong trilogy that didn’t need to be rebooted. So guess what, they didn’t. When Amazon announced they were making a TV show with a shared title, there was a bit of an uproar from basement dwellers and english teachers galore, stamping their life size replica Hobbit hooves in unison out of fear of losing the one semblance of joy they have left in this cruel world. Imagine the surprise when it was a standalone film, almost a prequel with a completely new script. No such luck here, with the TV series set to just remake what was already done.

Listen when I say I’m all for a cash grab, there’s no shame in recognising

when something is simply for profit or when it’s going to actually benefit an audience. Perhaps I’m failing to understand what the reason is? The Warner Bros Discovery CEO, David Zaslav, suggested there’s an untapped market to be introduced–leaving the original franchise to standalone for the audiences who’ve come to know them so well and love them completely. But this is a mammoth production, set to span a decade and leave an almost sour taste in our mouths I can only assume.

The story isn’t groundbreaking, and I genuinely believe JK Rowling is a decent writer with a shitty opinion. Cancel her? It’s not for me to say. Though I can comment on it being a children’s story with a disproportionate teen adaptation–and a soon to be unknown show. Let’s highlight better stories with such a vast budget. Chuck some more money at Zendaya HBO.

What’s my angle? Don’t waste money on pointless shit like remaking something that’s majorly average to start. Harry Potter is an average story with a cult following of Millenials who can’t let their butterbeers go untouched or their merch unframed. Let them live their lives out.

The Ultimate Depression Meal

Joel Collins

To be clear, this is a meal that gives people depression. Do you have anyone in your life that is just a bit too happy for your liking? Serve them this meal and it’ll bring even the most serotoninriddled Mickey Mousey ass ass to their knees with despair.

Drinks: Alcohol

Building a depression almost always starts with a nice base of guilt and regret, and there’s nothing better for that than alcohol. You’re gonna wanna get your target very drunk and start some controversy around the table. If you do your job right, the target will start getting very passionate about some asinine topic, and they’ll start arguing with someone who they want to like them. It will get VERY personal and they'll end up offending the person, which will wreak havoc on their self-esteem throughout the night.

First Course: Suicidal Soup

For this step you can prep any soup you like, and just before you season it, set aside a bowl for our target. Then as people compliment your soup skills, saying how delicious it is, our target will wonder why they don’t like it. Then they'll start contemplating if maybe they just don’t see things the way others do, and have a sadder and just more bland view on life than others. Perfect!

Second Course: “Salad”

Just a head of lettuce. Cabbage if you’re a real sick fuck.

Third Course: Manipulative Main

This is where you might have to do a little research. Find out your target’s favourite meal- something nostalgic, from a good time in their life. Now make the most underwhelming, budget, most grossest version of this meal you can manage. This will make them question if they were ever really happy at all. Neat!

Fourth Course: Despondent Desert

This one’s gonna be ice cream straight from the container. They might as well get used to it, they’re one of us now!

Schemed

Schemes Weekly, your weekly dose of schemage

Joel Collins

Scheme number one

This one’s called ‘The Spy Kids 3’

STEP ONE:

Organise a week of movie nights with one of your friends (you can do more than one if they’re in on the scheme OR if you are confident enough in your scheming abilities to scheme multiple people at once).

STEP TWO:

The day of the first showing, talk to your friend(s) about the movie (any movie will do, but make sure you read up on a bunch of fun facts about it). Say that the movie is really good, and drop a fun fact about it that intrigues them a little bit, like a star actor in the film or a film studio.

STEP THREE:

Once you have them sat on the couch, make sure you’re really anal with the viewing experience, making sure there’s no light bouncing off the screen and the sound is coming through the right speakers etc. During the showing, don’t talk at all. Just watch the movie. Shed a tear if you can.

STEP FOUR:

The next day, hype up that night’s movie. Say how it has the same actors/film studio as the previous night. That night, show them the same movie.

STEP FIVE:

Night 3 is gonna need a little bit more convincing. They will be skeptical, but tell them that it’ll be a new movie that night (it won’t be) and also give them another fun fact, maybe about the production of the film. If it’s good, it’ll be something that would perhaps get them interested in a rewatch. Then show them the same movie again

STEP SIX:

See how far you can get. You can continue on the fun facts route if your movie is real interesting, but you could also switch it up and tell them a big event is going down on TV (sports game or some shit), then just show them the same movie again. My high score is 4 nights, but there’s really no coming back from the fakeout.

I will live and die for the scheme.

YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT THIS IS C*NT

LIST 5 REASON WHY THIS IS NOT A ELEHPANT

FOR ALL OF OUR LOYAL READERS [AND COLOURING-IN ENTHUSIASTS], SEND US A PIC OF THE FINAL PRODUCT PLS.

WORDS... OBVIOUSLY

CROSS THEM OUT AS YOU GO...

Akwa

Anegre

Burmese Teak

Jak Rata

Garapa

Purpleheart

Kwila

Jatoba

Jak

Jarrah

Iroko

Spotted Gum

Eucalyptus Saligna

Sapele Mahogany

Zebrano

Tonka

Wenge

Jack

Wallaba

Victorian Ash

American Cherry

Eucalyptus Saligna

European Beech

Morning Wood

TRIVIA

ONLY COOL KIDS DO THIS PART NOW.

1. What Christmas treat does Pip give to the hungry convict in "Great Expectations"?

2. Which US state is nicknamed the "Land of Enchantment"?’

3. Which Nintendo console was released after the N64 and before the Wii?

4. What year was the first Super Bowl played?

ANSWERS FROM LAST WEEK: 1. ISOSCELES TRIANGLE 2. BRUCE WILLIS 3. ETHIOPIA 4. VANITY, GREED, DEATH AND LUST