Nexus Issue 04, 2013

ISSUE 04, VOLUME 45

OUR RESIDENT DJ TALKS BREAK-UPS, STRIPPERS & DRUGS LITTLE BEER CORNER - What the hell is craft beer?

WE GET ACCUSED OF PUBLISHING DRUNK...

SO WE CHECK OUT LOCAL BARS.

18 MARCH 2013

29 Hood Street, Hamilton Central

Ph (07) 9811321 * Discount applies to WINTEC or Uni Waikato card holders main meal only. Max discount $25. Must present student/ staff card prior to bill payment to redeem offer. Not valid with Frequent Diner Card, Kid’s Eat Free, $9.90 lunches or any other offer or discount. Valid at Hog’s Breath Hamilton.

elcom sue Fo

contents

Editorial Team Editor Alix Higby editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Deputy Editors Louise Hutt & Jess Edmonds-Saunders louise@nexusmag.co.nz jess@nexusmag.co.nz News Editor zanian steele news@nexusmag.co.nz Online Editor Alix Higby online@nexusmag.co.nz

Graphic Designer Haylie Gray design@nexusmag.co.nz

Managing Editor James Raffan james@nexusmag.co.nz

Advertising Advertising Manager Tony Arkell ads@nexusmag.co.nz

Contributors C-Ball, Regan, Kathlene Cook, Daniel Petersen, Matt Hicks, Morgahna Godwin, HP, Danyell Summers, Dr Richard Swainson, Dr Burton C Bogan, Jayde van Maanen, Jess Molina, Jess Tuakeu, Caitlin Ashworth, Kelsey Weld, Jamie Hutton, Kylie Zinsli, Gil Denny, Amber, Nathan Sweetman, Hoss Aneece, Kerry Tankard and Aaron Letcher

Print Fusion Print

Nexus Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily the views of Nexus magazine, the WSU, Printers, the editor or any of our advertisers.

Ground Floor, Student Union Building Gate One, University of Waikato Knighton Road, Hamilton

issue 04 / VOLUME 45 / 18 MARCH / 2013 News

[3] News.

[5] University news.

[6] Sports thoughts.

[7] Left vs Right: Are New Zealand’s Laws Up For Sale To The Highest Bidder?

[8] Not News.

Opinion

[10] Third Degree + Guest Rant

[11] Random Profile - Ali Wahyudhi Top 10.

[12] Lettuce to the Editor.

.

Entertainment and Reviews [14] Film, Gig & Café review.

Horoscopes [15] Book, Comic & Album review.

Horoscopes [16] Local Artist Gig Guide.

[17] Eight Ball.

Cool vs Not Cool.

[18] Features - The Great Annual Bar Review [22] Puzzles

Lifestyle

[24] Sex Quiz.

[26] Mr Minty Fish + Auteur [27] Boganology + Little Beer Corner [28] Dark Tales of Flatting + Carnage [29] Slut DJ + Advice from my Folks [30] Alice and Anne + Trendspotting [31] Arts - Hoss Aneece

WSU

[32] Auditor + Director Profile [34] President’s Column.

Veeps.

[35] Clubs Noticeboard [36] Ask Amber + Citizens Advice Bureau + YWRC [37] Was that you?

online nexusmag.co.nz facebook.com/nexusmagNZ @waikatostudents

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Editorial

Editorial

Highlight Reel

By JESS Edmonds-Saunders

this week in nexus // Pg: 12

PORN AND PENISES AND BAR TABS. I hate the cliché of having to grab someones attention but seeing as I know you all flick straight to see if you either got into Lettuce or if your latest Nip-Slip ended up in our carnage section, sometimes we feel it necessary to trick you into the mundane things like sentences that don’t all involve genitals or cursing. No fucks will be found in this section. We only use classy words, because we are classy ladies. This week we’re talking about clubs, pubs, and nights in what Lonely Planet has dubbed the ‘best nightlife in New

Hut and that’s it. That also makes Hamilton one of the easiest cities to pull in. If you can’t get laid in Hamilton, then where can you get laid? Ahh Hamilton... Home of the brave, land of the free. You’ve got to be brave to get with a native Hamiltonian but if all else fails, Flaunt is free.

This magazine is only a magazine because you read it. Before that it’s just a pile of paper stapled together that represents stress and bad life decisions. Because of that, WE. NEED. YOU. Are we too harsh in our bar review? Tell us. Are we too lenient on our door charge

“That also makes Hamilton one of the easiest cities to pull in. If you can’t get laid in Hamilton, then where can you get laid?”

Zealand.’ This would be coming to you from the talented Alix but as she is too hungover from the Bar Review to even write the Bar Review, you’re stuck with me. Fuck.

Do you still go to town? Or are you “so over it” and “miss house parties where everyone just drinks and yarns.” We want to know.

Hamilton is a city based on the hospitality industry. In one night you’ll probably visit an average of 4 clubs or bars; often more.

Compare that to the 2 you end up making it to in Auckland before your card declines from $50 door charges all night, and then consider the fact that in the time it would usually take for you to get from one bar on The Viaduct to another on K’Rd, you could circle House, CBD, Rodeo Rodeo, Altitude, Axcess, Outback, Agenda, Shine, Bar 101, The Hood, Easy Tiger, Keystone, Furnace, Shenanigans, The Bank, Static, Diggers and a few sneaky strip clubs twice. We’re lucky.

We’re bloody lucky. The fact that we’ve all got clubs we both love AND hate is a plus as well.

It means we’ve got a selection. We’re not a town of 6 different versions of the Bahama 2

opinions? Tell us. Are we making irrelevant references and basically ruining your day like a pre-town taxi fare from Knighton Road to Vic Street that costs OVER $10? Tell us!

Our emails are but a page away and if you want anything from ‘Knitting Tips’ to ‘Porn Star of the Week,’ we can’t read your minds but we do read our emails.

LETTUCE Are we publishing drunk? Are lecture theatres too cold? Plus the mature students’ strike back and someone else wants to smoke. // Pg: 29

Slut DJ Going through a tough break-up? Our resident DJ finds out if drugs, strippers and $10 champagne are the answer. // Pg: 18

The Great Nexus Bar Review Three girls and a night the members of WULSA will never forget. // Pg: 24

Hope to see you all in town soon.

Love you dearly, Jess and the Nexus Team xx

nexxxus SEX QUIZ Are you a first year in the bedroom?

// Pg: 27

Our little beer corner Nathan Sweetman talks craft beer and why it makes you cooler.

NEWS

NEWS

THE LAST TIME WE TALK ABOUT SMOKING. In what we promise will be the very last time we talk about smoking till it comes close to the implementation time we wanted to put some of last week’s questions to Vice-Chancellor Roy Crawford who agreed to provide us with some answers.

Nexus: In your May 2012 response to the Jane Marsden Waikato Bay of Plenty Cancer Society you stated “One of our major challenges is the size and shape of our campus and potentially sending staff and students who smoke to the perimeters of a very large property and onto the roads surrounding it” What steps have been taken to address this?

The Vice-Chancellor: That is still going to be a major challenge, but we have decided to move to a smoke free campus for the benefit of all of our staff, students and visitors. Some students (depending on their classes and timetable) and some staff will need to walk a fair way to go off campus to smoke. However, a vast majority of staff and students work or learn in buildings near the outskirts of campus, so the number of people who will be inconvenienced by this will be relatively low.

Nexus: In the same letter you stated “Another challenge is the enforcement aspect of a smokefree campus.” Has an action plan been established regarding enforcement of the existing policy and will there be significant changes in policy enforcement in 2014?

The Vice-Chancellor: We believe that our staff and students will be respectful toward their colleagues and classmates, so with plenty of promotion, communication and time to get used to the idea of a smoke free campus, the vast majority of people will respect the policy and enforcement won’t be a major issue – this is the case for other institutions who have implemented smoke free campuses.

Nexus: Were you aware of incidents at Manakau Institute of Technology or the Bay of Plenty Polytechnic where staff felt intimidated by students and members of the public?

The Vice-Chancellor: No, we’ve not heard

anything like this. Intimidation of any staff member of student is unacceptable, and if there were any complaints we would obviously investigate.

Nexus: The University Campus currently hosts major national and international events such as International Confrerences, Secondary School Touch Tournaments, and the Balloons’ Over Waikato bring thousands of members of the public to the University Campus has enforcement of the Smokefree policy during these events been considered?

The Vice-Chancellor: If the campus is a smoke free environment then all events being held on campus will be required to be smoke free as well, and this expectation will be discussed as part of any agreement for events to be hosted here. Again, we believe that with plenty of promotion to the public and within event material, enforcement would not be a major issue as people would respect the campus. Many public events nationwide are already smoke free.

Nexus: The Gallagher Performing Arts Center features a large number of nonuniversity events that are open to the public how will the smokefree policy be enforced at those events?

The Vice-Chancellor: Obviously the building has always been smoke free, and this will now extend to its surroundings as part of the campus. Just like everyone coming onto campus to learn, work and socialise has the right to do so in a smoke free environment, so does everyone attending events at the Academy. The policy will be promoted through signage around campus, including at the Academy.

Nexus: What consequences will a student or staff member face for disregarding the smoke free 2014 policy and how will that be enforced?

The Vice-Chancellor: As with the current smoke free policy, any complaints would be addressed according to the Student Discipline Regulations and Staff Code of Conduct, on a case-by-case basis.

Our preference is that the new policy will be self-policing, and that all University 3

NEWS

students and staff will respect it. However, if a complaint is received the University would approach the person, explain the nature of the complaint, reiterate the current policy and the reasons behind it, and work with the person to ensure they understand where they can and cannot smoke.

If, after this initial approach, the person continues to smoke on campus, disciplinary action would be considered.

Nexus: What consequences will there be for an external contractor or third party such as Momento ?

The Vice-Chancellor: Different external contractors and leaseholders are man-

respect the policy and those around them, by smoking off campus. Again, anyone has the right to remind people of the smoke free policy and ask them to not smoke on campus.

Nexus: Has any thought been given to smoke Cessation programmes?

The Vice-Chancellor: We are developing a smoking cessation programme for staff in collaboration with the Chances Smoke Free Coalition, who we are working closely with on the smoke free policy. The programme will be ready for staff to access by the time the campus goes smoke free. In the meantime staff who wish to quit smoking

“Our preference is that the new policy will be selfpolicing, and that all University students and staff will respect it.” aged by different parts of the University (eg. Facilities Management, U Leisure etc) and we will work with them to ensure they and their staff understand the policy – it will apply to everyone working on campus, even if they are not directly employed by the University. If there is a problem or if complaints are received, the manager of the lease will address this directly with the contractor or leaseholder.

Nexus: I own my car and it is private property, can I smoke in my car?

The Vice-Chancellor: If it’s parked on University property then you will be breaking the smoke free policy.

Nexus: Will the smokefree 2014 policy be extended to leaseholders facilities on campus like The Dons that have created an outdoor garden bar area?

The Vice-Chancellor: This is something we are going to be exploring in the coming months – one of the reasons we have allowed for such a long lead in time is so we have plenty of time to consult with leaseholders.

can access support through the Campus Pharmacy or through Quitline.

The Student Health Centre on campus runs a free smoking cessation programme for students, and we are working with them to further promote this programme so students who wish to quit smoking know that there is on-campus support available.

Nexus: Have you driven past the Waikato Hospital and seen the number of staff, family members and patients queuing out on the street to smoke since the Hospital

The Vice-Chancellor: We have announced the change with nearly a year to prepare, so we feel this timeframe allows us plenty of time to carefully plan the policy and its implementation. Having made the announcement to staff and students, and initial feedback being overwhelmingly positive, our next steps over the coming months include putting together a smoke free working group which represents the staff and student population (including student and WSU representation), working with staff and students to identify and address potential issues, identifying staff members and

“Again, anyone has the right to remind people of the smoke free policy and ask them to not smoke on campus.” campus has gone smoke free? What is the University planning to avoid similar public spectacles?

Nexus: Will the Smokefree policy be enforced during weekend sports and events like University Club Rugby or is enforcement it limited to Monday-Friday?

The Vice-Chancellor: This is something we’ve identified, and the Working Group will be looking into how much of a problem this will pose and what we can do to lessen the problem. Having said that, Waikato Hospital is laid out differently to the University (much of the Hospital’s campus is contained or backs onto private land) so it may not be as much of an issue for us – but this is something we will look into.

The Vice-Chancellor: As already stated, with the public promotion of the policy and prominent signage on campus, we expect that people coming onto campus on weekends for things like sporting events would

Nexus: Finally, George Thomson (Department of Public Health, University of Otago –Wellington Campus) spoke on the subject at a Tertiary Conference in Wellington last year and suggested targeted

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smoking areas on campus lead to a better long term reduction in smoking and a behavioural change as opposed to a complete smokefree policy. However he further indicated that were any university to implement a full smokefree policy then there were a number of criteria they should consider in order to make it successful these elements included: - Careful implementation planning - Regular, consistent, sustained communication (that worked best when partnered with quitline) - Ongoing of training of staff and students leaders - Leadership and administrative support - Campuswide buy-in - Access to Nicotine Replacement Therapy with reference to Mr Thomson’s Criteria (Hahn 2012) how would you rate the University’s current preparation for the smokefree 2014 policy implementation?

students who wish to become smoke free champions, and working with the Cancer Society and Chances Smokefree Coalition to support people who wish to become smoke free (including access to cessation support and nicotine replacement therapy).

With the considerable ongoing communication and promotion that is being planned in the lead up to 2014, we are confident the University community will understand and support the move, and implementation of the new smoke free policy will be relatively easy.

If anyone has any suggestions, concerns, comments or questions, they should see www.waikato.ac.nz/about/smokefree.shtml or email smokefree@waikato.ac.nz.

NEWS

UNI NEWS

blooD Drive on campuS NZ Blood’s Mobile Blood Collection Unit will be at the Rec Centre Monday 18 to Wednesday 20 March, 10am-3pm. While drop-ins are welcome, it’s best to make an appointment beforehand – you can do this by calling 0800 448 325 or visiting www.nzblood.co.nz

StuDent exchange Don’t be a victim careerS feStival fair – 20 march Want to experience student life overseas while studying for your Waikato degree? Come along to find out how to add a truly global dimension to your university life, what it all costs, how to apply and what countries are available to visit.

Wednesday 20 March, 11am-2pm, Level 2 Foyer of the Student Centre.

To reduce the risk of burglary at your place, remember to: • Lock all doors and windows when you are away • Keep all valuables out of sight • Ask your landlord about installing sensor lights • Don’t advertise that you or your flatmates are away • Join the SNAP programme (Serial Number Action Partnership). Visit www.snap.org.nz If you see anyone acting suspiciously, report this to the Police immediately by dialling 111.

If you see any suspicious activity on campus, call Security on 4444 from a University phone or 07 838 4444 from a non-University phone.

StuDent viSaS International students – please check your passport to see when your Student Visa expires. You must not let your visa expire or you will not be able to continue with your studies. If your Student Visa expires in March or April 2013, you can renew it at the Student Centre (rooms M2.02 and M2.03 opposite main entrance, Level 2), 10am–4pm Monday– Friday, until Friday 22 March. No appointment is necessary. If you need more information email epermits@waikato.ac.nz

anxietieS of knowing

Don’t miss your chance to speak with prospective employers and explore your career options at the Careers Festival, 10am-2pm Wednesday 20 March on the Village Green. There will be more than 20 employers from all different sectors on site to talk to about your career options, including Mainfreight, NZ Steel, Carter Holt Harvey Pulp and Paper, Plant and Food Research, Gallagher, Beca, Mighty River Power, Waikato District Council, MetService, the NZ Defence Force, and several education recruiters. There will also be a sausage sizzle and giveaways.

Volunteers are also needed to help out on the day – if you are interested, please email your details including name and phone number to Claire Duthie at cduthie@waikato.ac.nz

We can all identify with writers’ block – but for some, these frustrations can turn into what Professor Michael A. Peters describes as ‘anxieties of knowing’, the topic of his upcoming Inaugural Professorial Lecture.

The Professor of Education has written dozens of books and hundreds of papers and chapters on education, philosophy and politics, but a paper on these ‘anxieties of knowing’ has evaded him for the past decade. He hopes his lecture will act as “an exercise in self-therapy, confession and self-examination”, and allow him to finally finish the paper.

6-7pm, Tuesday 26 March, Gallagher Academy of Performing Arts. Opus Bar open from 5pm.

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SPORTS THOUGHTS Here come the Men in Black.

MOST OP (overpowered) SPORTS TEAMS Melbourne Storm

Every year. The Storm for the past age have commanded one of the best playing rosters in NRL history, throwing at oppositions the likes of Cameron Smith, Cooper Cronk, Billy Slater and at one stage, even Greg Inglis. Got caught cheating the salary cap, go figure.

Canterbury Wizards

By that, I mean the Warriors take up charge once again, and they traditionally wear a uniform featuring predominantly black colours. That was until they started making six strips a year as the club became ‘fashionable’ to rep around New Zealand. But I digress, because it’s finally time for God’s very own gift to mankind to commence.

People think he gave us Jesus - wrong.

God gave us the National Rugby League, which in turn produced a collision so brutal matter was squashed upon itself, creating a void rip and sucking Jesus into our

team that is currently mauling the salary cap to pieces.

How do you manage to afford superstars like: enemy of the state Sonny Bill Williams, ex Warrior James Maloney, Blues pivot Mitchell Pearce, Jared Waerea-Hargreaves, Anthony The Count Minichello, Shaun Kenny-Dowall, Michael Jennings and Mitchell Aubusson. Holy shit. That’s a bunch of wicked players, except for Michael Jennings, who is the most overrated steaming lump of shit in the NRL to command a

“...despite a new ban for pussies on shoulder charges we all know that shit is going to dominate Super Rugby as per usual and pull in nut stomping ratings. ” existence from another dimension. So next time you say your prayers, make sure you thank Benny Matulino.

The NRL starts up this week, or last week depending on when this gets printed, and despite a new ban for pussies on shoulder charges we all know that shit is going to dominate Super Rugby as per usual and pull in nut stomping ratings. We’ve got the Kiwi’s vs. Kangaroos to enjoy too, and state of origin, where every The Hood regular is suddenly some die hard maroons supporter who acts like they were born in Brisbane and have any real affiliation to the place.

And then we’ve got the Sydney Roosters, a 6

huge salary and ruin his previous club - The Panthers. They’ve also got another Blues player in Luke O’Donnell heading over. I’d suggest checking their books now, because they are probably hiding sneaky payments, the cop who shot at those sharks a week ago, and the two sharks themselves. Shit be dodgy.

In the 2000s, this team boasted Chris Harris, Nathan Astle, Craig McMillan, Chris Cairns, and Shane Bond, while having a number of other fringe New Zealand players. Save to say, when the Black Caps were playing, Canterbury got stomped.

Australian Cricket team (1999 - 2007)

Never before have I got to witness a team so unbeatable. Australia’s cricket team used to be stacked with the world’s best. They were so good, they won three World Cups on the trot and even made an event out of playing the World XI on their own, who they consequently stomped. Results found what every Australian already thought. Australia > World.

Kangaroos (Rugby League)

By C-Ball.

Every time the Kiwis came up against the Kangaroos, since eternity began, I’ve watched knowing I was probably about to witness a crime. Rape, murder, possibly even terrorism, as our playing stocks were screwed over by the lure of more money and Origin.

vs

Left

Left vs Right THIS WEEK’S TOPIC:

Are New Zealand’s Laws Up For Sale To The Highest Bidder?

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Are New Zealand laws up for sale to the highest bidder? Of course they are. Next topic.

Perhaps what amazes me most is that this is even a discussion people think there are two sides to. New Zealand’s long history of shelving legislation it goes back to the 1870s when Julius Vogel shelved his bill to give women the vote in order to allegedly secure the votes and capital needed for his public works scheme.

Fast forward 130 years and the same principles are still being applied today. Except now because of both disparity of wealth and the influx of communication and globalisation the world is a much smaller place and those buying our favour are doing so from all parts of the world.

Whether it is James Cameron, Sky City, any number of Hollywood studios or the foreign investors that will likely take hold of our country’s major assets in the coming months, this government more than any other in history is sending out the message that everything has a price.

The problem is the price they are setting is costing New Zealand both domestically and overseas. Our international reputation suffered when it was revealed that Kim Dotcom had made major contributions to John Banks and Act. Now you could argue that Dotcom didn’t expect anything from Banks and just thought he was the best

National has been able to keep “The Hobbit” in NZ and has also extracted a multimillion dollar convention centre from Skycity with minimal expenditure. It is clear that a few ‘backroom’ deals were done and that these deals had drawbacks, however on the whole the result has been positive. While it is important to acknowledge these shortcomings it is equally important to note that in any negotiation process both sides have to concede at least a tad in order to get what they want.

You could argue that James Cameron buying up major land in the South Island without jumping through hoops or Sky City adding more pokie machines are ‘good for New Zealand interests’ or the ‘ends justify the means’ but they don’t. The problem is that the decisions being made by people (predominantly on the right) don’t affect them or anyone they know.

The union busting bill that saw the Hobbitt get made here seems like a good deal to your average 60 year old breakfast TV watcher. But they aren’t the local actors, production and costume assistants, grips, sound technicians or camera men that are directly impacted by having to work longer hours in a competitive environment to make scale and feed their kids.

The question isn’t “Are New Zealand’s Laws Up For Sale?” But now that the price has been raised so high that only special interests can meet them, what happens to the educators, young mothers, hungry kids, students welfare recipients first home owners, unpaid teachers, environmental lobbyists, climate change experts and anyone else who doesn’t have the capital to ensure they get a voice?

Sometimes the price is just too damn high.

Corporate giants are not forcing law changes in godzone. If the Government wanted to, they could have told Warner Bros to fuck off to Slovenia (or wherever else they were considering moving the Hobbit). National has correctly decided that the film is worth more to our country’s aspiring actors and the tourism sector than an over inflated ego. Additionally while problem gambling is a serious issue in our country, adding a few pokies for a massive convention centre that can serve some of our nation’s poorest residents is the right call. The Opposition is right to be concerned, holding the Government to account is their job after all but buried beneath their political banter is the truth: National has made a series of sensible decisions.

RIGH

The Opposition has portrayed the National Government as a Party at the forefront of an Auction House, selling off our Laws to the highest bidder but if we take a step back from the political melee, it becomes clear that this issue is more about negotiation practices than economic sovereignty. Could National have done better at the negotiation table? Probably, but have they done badly? No, most certainly not.

man for the job, however people who are naïve enough to make that argument are usually the same ones that aren’t allowed to use sharp scissors.

If we followed the ‘tell the corporates where to get off’ policy rather than a policy of prudent negotiation, soon enough we become as isolated as Smaug the anti-investment dragon, stuck on a lonely mountain.

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NEWS

NOT NEWS KNEEL BEFORE ZOD In a story designed to test just how many geeky scifi references we can fit in one paragraph the Hubble telescope has once again proven that in space no one will hear us scream by unveiling what it calls the Space Invader Galaxy. Although the galaxy is far, far, away (millions of lightyears in fact) according to discoverers it looks like the Alien from Space invaders. Except there is one small problem with that theory.

No-one is scared of space invaders. It was from the 70s. What it actually looks like is something that is going to enjoy the planet earth with some lima beans and a nice kainite. We are actually writing this from a bunker right now. I know we made some jokes about the scary Kardashian being the harbinger of doom but if anything she is just the Silver Surfer coming to taste the earth for her master.

Of course if that is all true it will probably happen millions of years from now so who cares.

THE DEATH OF JOURNALIM PART TWO TV3 ran a story about an Invercargill man who kept a 75 year old scone that was passed around his family proving both that journalism is dead and there is fuck all to do in Invercargill. No wonder Tim Shadbolt always looks like he is tweaking.

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TWO EXAMPLES OF COMING TO A WHY ENGLAND WILL LECTURE THEATRE NEVER AGAIN RULE NEAR YOU SOON THE WORLD. 1) A man dressed as Batman appeared in a Bradford Police Station accompanying someone wanted in connection for burglary. Forgetting the simple fact the worldwide media had a Newsgasm over it or that it turned out to be a 27 year old delivery man perhaps the best part of it was the quote from an elderly witness that appeared in one of the papers. “I can’t be sure but I don’t think that was the actual Batman.”

2) The UK fire-fighters have added a new staff member nicknamed Fireman Ham. That’s right the Brits have employed an actual pig to help teach firemen how to deal with trapped animals. Because we only have two pages we will trust that you can make your own fireman vs cops, angry birds and smoked bacon jokes and just ask the easy question: how does saving a pig even remotely translate into being able to save a cat, a dog, or a snake for that matter?

A 106 year old man from Massachusetts recently graduated from high school. World War Two veteran Fred Butler’s daughter in-law encouraged him to go back to school as a way of dealing with the loss of his wife last year. If you are not crying at that then you might be dead inside, however as warm and fuzzy as that story is it doesn’t tell you about the dark side. We can only assume half of Fred’s class dropped out or failed to attend because he would sit up the front and answer all the questions, then challenge the lecture and begin every point by talking about his grandchild. We can only imagine the group project hell!* * Sorry mature students but that one was way too easy.

IN “We didn’t know this was a thing” News…

Apparently being a rising Kiwi Javelin star isn’t good enough for some people so Massey University Student (we don’t know what he is studying but it’s Massey so let’s assume cows) Ben Langton Burnell has set his sights on becoming the record holder fur the furthest distance you can throw a mobile phone. Burnell has so far only managed to throw the phone 18 meters which is some distance off the 102.68m record.

Incidentally the record was set last year in Belgium by Great Brittan’s Chris Hughff smashing the previous record of 86 metres set by my psycho ex-girlfriend Shanae when I broke up with her in the countdown car park last year.

At the Nexus News Desk we are no great fans of math but we recon the length of the lake is a little over 100m so the real question is do you need that old Galaxy s1 and is it holding you back from being a world record holder.

NEWS

MEME OF THE WEEK

NEXUS CLASSIFIED ADS Educational Experience Seeking young, privileged, ten year olds.

Must be born with silver spoon in your mouth and no desire to open yourself up to income disparity or the plight of the working class. If this sounds like your child then enrolments start soon for the as yet to be named high school in Rototuna.

Seeking The Like Minded Do you hate people and things? Like libraries but not enough to keep them open three days a week? Are you a fan of individuals but only once a year and entirely dependent on where they actually live? Then you might want to join us council@hcc.govt.nz

trivial facts

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Women often feel loved when talking face to face with their partner. Men feel emotionally close when they work, play, or talk side by side.

“Aw, I feel bad if she was upset. I am a feminist, and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff.”

Eighty percent of Soviet males born in 1923 didn’t survive WWII. The average African family uses about 5 gallons of water a day. The average American family uses more than 250 gallons a day.

Pork is the world’s most popular meat. Over 85 billion tons are eaten annually.

The condom company Durex reports that condom sales are 20-30% higher around Valentine’s Day. Traditionally, bridesmaids would be dressed in similar bride-like gowns to confuse rival suitors, evil spirits, and robbers.

Avocados are also known as the “fruit of the testicle tree” and are believed to have aphrodisiac qualities.

The word “influenza” comes from the Italian influentia. It was believed that the influence of the planets, stars, and moon caused the flu.

– Amy Poehler, in response to Taylor Swift’s comment in Vanity Fair, to The Hollywood Reporter

Still seeking friends It’s been three weeks now and still no upturn in the polls. Please be our friend president@act.org.nz Men seeking women, camels, and cacti seeds for wild Arabian style adventure in harsh desert climate.

Must be tolerant of people who are no longer able to afford their house, quality of life or food. If this sounds like you please contact ANY SINGLE FARM OWNER IN THE NEXT YEAR. Thanks again climate change.

And Now A Word From Our Censors...

Your only source for University gossip after it has been redacted to University standards of decency.

We have it on good authority that Vice-Chancellor Roy Crawford was so moved by the death of Hugo Chavez that he sfasfasf sfaasfsa fgasfas asfas a gasdfgasf fasfas gdag sa safsa coup d‘etat asdasfasfjas asjkfjsa kaskfjlasf.

None of that came cheap so he fasflask flaslfkasl faslkfasl special projects budget saflkasj as;flkasl; flsa;fjasl;fjasl; lfsjas;fjasl;fj ;glasjaslfkas; special mercenary force named asfosakf askfasl; ksalkfasl;fksal; aslfkas;fksal;fkas; Apparently the hardest part was purchasing the unmanned drone from fsalkfasl lasfkaslfk asdlkas. But once you get it through customs we have no laws against it.

We thought it was over the top when he sldfkasl sldfkasld sa;ldfkasfl;ask. But hey if that is what it takes to get a small Polynesian nation bowing to a large golden statute of yourself then that is what it takes.

9

oPINION

THIRD DEGREE GUEST RANT Questions 01_ What has been your favourite new paper this year?

02_ What are you looking to do when you graduate?

03_ What is your best hangover cure?

Ahmed Alfahhad

If you ever plan to have children, then listen up - I’m taking up a fight in Parliament that involves you.

24, E-Commerce

01_ Accounting 224.

02_ Something, any job.

Hopefully to do with electronics.

03_

My Bill to extend Paid Parental Leave (PPL) to 26 weeks is designed to ensure parents have quality time to bond with their new-born baby.

We know that getting it right in those early months reaps benefits, not only for families but also for the rest of society. It actually saves us money in the long run.

I don’t drink.

It even saves us money as a country immediately. Improved breastfeeding rates reduce hospital admissions for babies with respiratory problems.

The taxpayer already pays a subsidy for babies going to Childcare. I propose to use that money to fund parents to care for their babies instead.

Emma Smyth 21, Psychology

01_ The Psychology of

With just 14 weeks PPL currently, NZ is now well behind other developed country - we rank second-to-last in the OECD. PPL helps employers retain valuable employees, who would otherwise leave to raise their children. Parents benefit from less stress I those first 6 months.

Perception.

02_

A Phd, then into Clinical Psychology.

03_ KFC.

Shaynah Jackson 20, English & Media

01_ Writing for Screen Media.

02_ Post Grad in PR, then PR for some big company.

03_

Copious amounts of coffee.

So extending PPL is a no-brainer and a majority of MPs agree. My Bill passed its first reading by one vote.

It now faces an additional hurdle, with the Government threatening a financial veto to stop it from happening, despite having the numbers to pass.

Politics is about priorities and the National Government says supporting families in this way is not a priority. They prefer to spend money on big payouts for failed CEOs and billions on a road up north that only faces congestion on long weekends when Aucklanders head to their baches.

Labour prioritises everyday people - that’s what my bill is about.

Keep up to date with the progress of my bill by emailing me on sue. moroney@parliament.govt.nz

10

OPINION

RANDOM PROFILE

TOP TEN Top Ten Signs you had a Good Night in Town.

10_

Ali Wahyudhi.

You have to trace your steps back by stamps on your arm.

09_ No hangover.

Le Zat Cafe, Oranga Foodcourt

08_ The 3am service station

Butter Chicken pie actually tastes delicious.

How long have you been working at Le Zat Cafe?

I’d just want to make my people happy. I’d want to life up the quality of life

Since the beginning

Summer or winter?

What’s your favourite part of campus?

Both are beautiful

The Oranga building - the lake is beautiful and so many people walk by

What’s the most important meal of the day?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Something spicy

appropriate.

Do you wear odd socks or matching socks?

05_ You didn’t spend the night having

No socks (he was wearing Croc-esque shoes)

04_ Resisted the urge to play on the

What’s the most delicious meal you’ve ever had?

Where would you most like to go on holiday?

03_ It’s 2am and you’re in Grand

BBQ stick on rice. This was an original recipe we made, nowhere else in New Zealand makes it and we’ve had lines of students queuing for it.

To a beach in Bali

I wanted to help other people. What I do now is pretty good. I wanted to help students especially, they’re the future leaders.

07_ You went out with your mobile

phone, your wallet and cigarettes,

you came back with your mobile

phone, your wallet and your cigarettes.

06_ You only got hit on by people age

to track down a lost friend.

pole.

Central.

Best album of all time?

The new Kimbra one

If you could have one super power, what would it be?

Just the power to help other people.

Super helper

Would you rather be an ant or a T-Rex?

02_ You timed your club changes right

and only had to listen to taylor swift and one direction once.

01_

You crashed a WULSA Party.

Neither, I’d rather stay as myself.

If you could be prime minister for a day, what would you change?

Connect with us!

SUN 24 / TUE 26 —SAT 30 MAR . 2013

Easter art under the stars — Hamilton Gardens

www.fb.com/stationsofthecrosshamilton

$5

Door sales plus complimentary coffee In case it rains bring – jacket/umbrella

www.stations.org.nz 11

OPINION

LETTUCE TO THE EDITOR. Nexus loves getting your letters. We also love it if they are funny, intelligent and well written. Mainly we will be happy if you keep them under 250 words, it saves us having to cut them down. Please remember to give us a real name when you send them in even if you want to write with an alias. Email us at Lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz or... facebook.com/nexusmagNZ

It’s getting cold in here…

Can we please turn up the temperature on the a/c please in the lecture theaters.

You literally shiver when sitting in laws g.03.

Frosty

In Defence Of The Mature Dear Grant, Oh behalf of mature students across the university, I’d like to respond to your lovely little letter in the last Nexus, namely the question why do mature students, in your oh so eloquent words, act like “petulant, bratty children”? Well it’s called experience, dipshit.

That’s right; we do actually have an idea or two about how the world works, seeing as how we’ve spent considerably more time on it than you have. Since I know you probably have the attention span of a goldfish on crack, I’ll try to keep this brief.

While you still suckle the proverbial teat of your parents (and their income), we have actually been out there – building careers and earning money, having our own children, living a life. When we’re conversing with lecturers, it’s to deepen our own often already considerable knowledge on the subject. If you pulled your head out of your arse you might find the majority of lecturers actually prefer to partake in rigorous debate about the subjects they teach. Then again, you’d need a bit of life experience to know this.

But then again; it’s not just mature students who cop this shit from you either I bet. You. Just. Don’t. Care. About. ANYONE’S. Opinion.

12

#nexuslettuce.

It’s this attitude that makes you a member of the most self-obsessed, egotistical and downright selfish generation ever to walk the Earth. Period. Sure, none of this is your fault, and you can find someone to blame this on too, rather than take responsibility for your own learning and development. But when you say mature students are petulant and bratty, I don’t think you know what the fuck you’re talking about. Fuck you selfish little know-it-allalready pricks.

Hugs and kisses, Chris

Smoking Is In His Future Dear Nexus, I write about the issue that will be affecting most of the university students over the coming few weeks. A discrimination power play has been set in motion, one that doesn’t really harm too many people; one that most tolerant people can live with. Did you catch the key word in that sentence? Tolerant. Now, this seems to be an ever increasing social norm to spread within a free-thinking, liberal, society of which New Zealand has become one of the global leaders in. In a country that; can freely tolerate the differences between races [both physical and mental]; can acknowledge the differences between inherent intelligences and encourage equal participation; has fought and won for the rights of women to have their say in parliament; can promote civil unions as well as marriages; why then is the university taking measures to weed out a group of harmless smokers? Before the massive shitstorm comes from outraged persons because I am defending the right to smoke, take a moment to think on this. EVERY SINGLE THING THAT YOU WILL EVER COME INTO

CONTACT WITH HAS THE CAPACITY TO KILL YOU. If you truly wished to prolong your life, why not take a leaf out of Bubble-Boy’s book and only subject yourself to a steady stream of monitored chemicals within an ergonomically created plastic sheath? I am absolutely sick of people who jump on the bandwagon of BAN-SMOKING just because everyone is joining it. These people are pathetic, attention seeking whores who are out only to have their 5 minutes of fame as a supporter of a cause they know so very little about. Cool that your grandmother died because she developed cancer that CAN ONLY be linked smoking because she died with tar in her lungs. I’m not your grandmother. Cool that you think it would be better for the environment if I stopped smoking. I’m not one of your puppets that can be controlled based purely on your preferences. If you really cared about the environment, why not slash the tires of vehicles so that the pollution from the exhaust cannot travel into the upper stratosphere, ripping an ever-increasingly large hole in the Ozone layer? Oh, what’s that? You don’t like the fact that you’re sitting outside next to a group of smokers. Cool, get the fuck inside where you said you’d belong. The university should be taking a stand for equal rights for all the groups that reside within it’s care, be it: Asians, Gays, Swimmers, Orc-Ball players and, most relevant to this essay, Smokers.

The government has always been against the rights of the everyday man, attempting to meddle in his business because they want to keep the majority vote. The Church used to ostracize, and eliminate, free-thinkers in the 14th Century because they were educating the populace about subjects that they knew so little about, they were afraid they would lose their grip on the uneducated, easily swayed, masses. Hitler and his NAZI affiliates would go around ostracizing, and eliminating, the mentally and physically retarded purely to “cleanse” their bloodlines. Why is the university taking similar measures to ostracize and eliminate smokers? Why is the university following the exact same game-plans of historical figures whose actions are considered to be evil, and counter-conducive to the liberal thought which they claim to have their basis in? I signed up for a life in a country that is accepting of everybody that is within her boundaries, not for a police-state in which nothing that is not sanctioned can occur. To end, there was once a philosopher, named John Rawls, who had this to say; “Demanding that everyone have exactly the same effective opportunities in life would almost certainly offend the very liberties that are supposedly being equalized.”

TL;DR - Fuck the university for trying to

OPINION

impose their rules on my own lifestyle. I’ll do whatever the fuck I want in a country that claims to be free from intolerance and accepting of all lifestyles.

Yours, Marcus D’Meschief

An Intervention Hey Nexus, Recently, I’ve been internalising a really complicated situation in my head. I don’t think you should publish. You’re too drunk, bro.

So I’m staging an intervention.

Let’s be honest, I’ve never liked you. This isn’t a slur on the current team running the magazine. There’s always been better ways to spend a few minutes before class than reading you. But, I’ve been a silent minority. Alright, I’ve been a vocal minority. Most people didn’t complain about the Nexus. They found it funny or useful or whatever. I’ve noticed something, though. I’m now in the majority. In fact, I haven’t heard one snippet of conversation containing a positive word for the Nexus. Here are some things I have heard around the campus to describe you: rubbish, pointless, crap, shit, complete shit, waste of paper, etc, etc, and so on and so forth.

Indeed, there’s seem to be a lot more copies left at the end of each week in the containers.

you have for smokers at the moment and the ridiculous partisan hackery of Left vs Right.

I’m talking some actual journalism. Pick an issue and actually go out and try and get some opinions on it from serious people like politicians and experts. Oh, and “Bomber” Bradbury is not a serious person. Although, I hear he does great work in real estate (http:// martynbradburyrealty.com/Welcome.html).

And I’m sure some people like that mindless irrelevancy, in fact, I thought most people did. But now? Well, if the completely nonscientific measurement of public opinion is correct, maybe not so much. After all, what is worse? Being too high and mighty and serious? Or being “completely shit” and “utterly pointless”?

Stop a magazine from publishing drunk,

Let’s get relevant to students. And not the ‘look how hip we are with our sex stories’ relevant. Make it so that if you want to know what’s going on in Hamilton or on campus, you have to get yourself a copy of the Nexus.

Events, reviews, everything you need to know to entertain yourself, be it with parties, sports, culture or food.

Let’s embrace the community. Give more than a single page spotlight to local talent.

Go outside the university. Maybe there’s a ninety-two year old grandmother who would like to wax lyrically about what life was like back in her day? And then it turns out she was the second shooter on the grassy knoll. What a story that would be.

I guess what I’m asking for is for the Nexus to get serious. At the moment it’s an irrelevancy.

Legend

DISCLAIMER Letters published contain the opinion of the writer and the writer alone. Nexus publications take no responsibility for the content or opinions so expressed. By submitting your letter you give consent to its publication in Nexus and subsequent public scrutiny. Letters are the authors own work and Nexus will not edit to compensate for lack of intelligence or coherency. Nexus reserves the right to edit or refuse to publish any letter which breaches any law, is defamatory to any person, or contains threats of violence or hate speech.

What happened? I can’t really say. I tend to read the first few issues each year and then forget that the Nexus exists. Also, I’m not a newspaper or magazine editor. Ha. When has inexperience ever stopped me giving advice?

I think your problem is that the whole thing is just pointless. There’s no coherency. The Nexus doesn’t stand for anything except maybe ‘hey, it’s a bit of a laugh, don’t take it too seriously or you’re a cunt’. There are some good articles in amongst the completely and utterly banal, pointless junk you fill the magazine with. But the bad far outnumber the good. The question, though, is why don’t we want a magazine that Waikato can be proud of?

Let’s get topical. And not ‘the news in brief’ rubbish that is given one page and serves no real purpose at all. Do a proper round-up of the news and sports, not just weird opinions about the Blade Runner.

Let’s get political. And not the weird fetish 13

entertainment & reviews

pay & cafÉ

HARLEM SOUP KITCHEN GIG LIDO CINEMA film

Anna Karenina

THVRSDAY Rating:

Rating: A stuffy Russian period drama might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but Joe Wright certainly does his best to adapt Leo Tolstoy’s 136 year old novel into something fit for modern cinema. Having previously directed Pride & Prejudice (2005) and Atonement (2007), both also starring Keira Knightley, I would go see a Wright film if it was a biopic about the Telly Tubbies. However, unlike his other films, style definitely seemed to take president over substance which ultimately held back the film.

Anna Karenina (Knightley) is a wealthy Russian aristocrat and socialite. Besides the fact she has husband (Jude Law) and child, she enters into an affair with Count Vronsky (Aaron TaylorJohnson), much to the shock and horror of the society around her. Knightley’s portrayal of Karenina was certainly noteworthy, however Taylor-Johnson was fairly bland as her supposed love interest. Honourable mention goes to Matthew McFayden, as Karenina’s brother.

It was surreal to think he was the same actor who played opposite Knightley as Mr Darcy in Pride & Prejudice.

In terms of style, it was almost like watching a Baz Lurhmann film without the sense of humour. The extended metaphor of the stage and their society dramas was slightly over done. Nonetheless their Oscar win for costume design was certainly deserved and if you’re a period film fanatic who loves highly stylised productions, this is certainly the film for you.

It takes something special to get me to go out on a Thursday night. That being said though, I found myself genuinely curious when I got an invite to this gig happening at the old Hood.

Armed with my G-unit shirt, a gold chain necklace (If you’ve ever been inside the old Hood, they’ve got some cool graffiti type interiors and I just really wanted to feel like I belong tbh), and mah gurls, I set off to experience the gig that was aptly called Thvrsday.

The place was in full swing by the time I got there with a crowd gathered at the front, so of course my friends and I wanted to get in on the fun too so we made our way to the front.

Rising Hamilton talent Winston Anthony was on the mic while Sligh from CTFD was on the deck and the two really got the crowd going.

What I really liked about it too was the local talents like Blaze the Emperor, Bobby Wahab, Dash, Francis Lindel, and Kaon who was there to support the main acts K.One and Deach.

I’ve never seen K.One and Deach live in action before, but I was singing along with the rest of the crowd with each of their set respectively. I really enjoyed seeing not just the crowd but the artists as well have such a good time.

Rating: As we made our way to Harlem Soup Kitchen we didn’t know what to expect. Although we’ve both been studying in Hamilton for the last six years, neither of us had ever heard of the trendy eating establishment.

As we walked in we were immediately greeted with a friendly smile and genuine hospitality from both the waitress and owner.

The owner explained to us that Harlem Soup Kitchen has been open in Garden Place for the last two years and is the only salad bar in Hamilton. It was apparent that the place is extremely popular with the health conscious CBD worker and local Wintec students.

Harlem Soup Kitchen had a relaxed but very bohemian, trendy vibe – somewhere that would rival any café on Cuba St in Wellington.

We were particularly impressed with their commitment to sustainability. Both of us ordered a range of mixed salads including cous cous and feta, roasted veges, pasta and Caesar. Neither of us could fault the salads.

They were delicious, filling, freshly made and full of flavour. The hot chocolate and caramel latte were great, however the latte could’ve been improved with more caramel flavouring.

For $9.50, some people may see a salad as being on the pricey side. However, the salads were super filling and also came with free gourmet bread, which we thought made the lunch well worth the price.

I think I’m ready to give Thursday nights a chance again after this.

The Harlem Soup Kitchen could take off in Hamilton and contribute to creating a better vibe in Garden Place.

By Jess Molina.

By Kerry and Deb

ARIES

taurus

gemini

(21 mar - 20 apr)

(21 apr - 21 may)

(22 may - 21 june)

Don’t worry about wolves in sheep’s clothing just be scared of all wolves. They are pretty scary.

Don’t abuse drugs this week. Name calling is never good, besides what have the drugs ever done to you?

I think you need to start seeing other star signs. It’s not you it’s me. We are all out of alignment.

HOROSCOPES

14

entertainment & reviews

book

a feast for crows By george r.r. martin

album

Rating: This is the fourth volume of a very thought provoking book series. It is so puzzlingly good that I found myself immersed in the intertwining storylines to unravel what will happen next. Martin finds a way to present this fictional piece of work with a wonderful and rich articulation of words. He outlines his character’s weaknesses and strengths in such detail that he made it real for me as a reader.

MALA Devendra Banhart Rating: MARK ONE comic

REVIVAL

By Tim Seeley & Mike Norton Rating:

The characters in this volume face their biggest challenges on their own dangerous paths. Whether it’s to find power, family, justice or knowledge, all the characters are struggling to reach their objectives. As a result it was easy to identify with all of them, since at one point or another we are all faced with our own challenges in life. So, the question is: Are they willing to be the pawn in someone else’s game? Or are they going to be the winning piece on their own chessboard of life? For you and me (and of course the characters), these might be the questions that define our next move.

Martin continues his series with such craft that teaches us this: To be careful on your journey through life, but be unafraid to find possibilities that only you can uncover. So I will leave you to pawn-der that eternally thought provoking suggestion, and to decide your next move.

Zombies are hot business in comic book land these days and I for one am a little burnt out on them. However, what’s intriguing about Revival, a book about the dead coming back to life, is that the dead aren’t coming back as flesh eating zombies but as the people they were when they died. What follows is the story of how a little country town struggles to cope with this event: as how do you find a place in your life again for someone you long ago mourned; let alone deal with the pressures of the huge media scrutiny as well as government quarantine? On top of all that, there is a murder-mystery still in play by books end and who better to help solve the murder... than the victim? (DUN DUN DUN!) Yeah it’s story possibilities like these that ensure this book is one that will hook you, and being as cheap as it is ($25 for Vol.1 at MK1!) I’ll definitely be back for more.

Bring me a freaking chill pill and let’s get Mala on.

The latest album by Venezuelan American singer songwriter Devendra Banhart brings the tempo down with lax melodies that are as equally uplifting as they are soothing.

I feel like this album would be perfect to play while tubing down the Waikato River on a sweet March weekend. But that might just be because my neighbour is out on their balcony sunbathing and that makes me think of showers and water.

Some of the tracks, such as ‘Golden Girls’, I could see as movie soundtracks, as they stir up emotions of love and acceptance and life endeavours. Others, Banhart could have been high or maybe just came back from India and was feeling spiritually peaceful as the tracks are so mellow you have to remind yourself to stay sitting vertically.

This artist is not my usual style, and I wouldn’t go and see him live as I like to bop around on the d-floor at gigs, but I do want to continue Mala la la la-ing on and on so I think this CD will now be added to my personal collection.

Reviewed by Julia Jeanplong

http://www.mk1.co.nz/ www.facebook.com/Mark1Comics

cancer

leo

virgo

(22 june - 23 july)

(24 july - 23 aug)

(24 aug - 23 sep)

When the weatherman said the drought will end soon he wasn’t just talking about the weather. Get out there and make it happen.

The stars think you should look for love this semester and they think you should start with a Nexus Blind Date. Don’t ignore the stars.

We can kick some arse.

This is not a week to grow a conscience. Your flatmate has no idea and probably won’t until a few months’ time. Remember: Snitches get stiches.

15

entertainment & reviews

Local artist

gig guide All the studying getting you down already? Have no fear! Happy hour (week) is here!

Wednesday 20th Skint House Bar, 6-9 pm The weekly feeding of students. $5 pizzas and drink deals thanks to your friendly friends from Nexus, Fevah FM, and House Bar. 2 for 1 Cocktails Grand Central Hotel, 5-10 pm Be classy. Have a cocktail.

Thursday 21th Matt Hicks has a chat to NZ electronic producer Jeremy Graham a.k.a J Plates You’re releasing s track on Russian label ‘Liquid Brilliants Records’. How did you hook up with the Russians?

I was sending round a handful of tracks to various labels for a while until Davyd from Liquid Brilliants got in touch with me. From there we got talking about music and DJing in general to come to some neutral ground, and to overcome the the initial language barrier. It was then decided that my track ‘Look Within’ was going to get signed to the label.

someone not in the know?

This one always cracks me up. I tell people I make Drum & Bass to the younger folk, Jungle to the older. From there I either go on to discuss Electronic Music or Break Beats, but I’ve found it’s just easier to mention ‘The Chemical Brothers’ which seems to create a moment of clarity.

In a nutshell, layers of: fast break beats, soulful/ambient textures, and bass lines.

Tight Ass Thurs Altitude $3 shots, $4 handles and house doubles, $5 RTDS. Way to stretch out that student allowance!

Sunday 23th Electro Static Static Resident Dj Bevan Nichols is the man. Don’t believe us? See for yourself!

Got a gig you want us to include here?

Email us at gigs@nexusmag.co.nz

Any final words/shout outs?

What do think of the state of the Hamilton music scene at the moment?

I think it’s in a developmental period. The city itself is in a developmental period. Hamilton would greatly benefit from more dedicated live music venues that harbour young, original and creative talents.

Look Within (Feat. Karen Saunders) appears on the ‘New Years Brilliants’ compilation release for Liquid Brilliants Recordings on the 31st of December 2012. Available from all major digital download stores. http://soundcloud.com/J-Plates http://www.facebook.com/jplatesmusic

How would you describe your sound to

libra

scorpio

sagittarius

(24 sep - 23 oct)

(24 oct - 22 nov)

(23 nov - 21 dec)

Trust what you see. The lake doesn’t actually look cleaner to any of us.

It’s time to unleash your inner Geordie Shore.

Get on it and go all Holly on someone.

You will meet the love of your life but they will be from a different faculty or Hall. Prepare for it to get a little Montague and Capulet this week, except y’know without the friends being assassinated or the double suicide.

16

08 entertainment & reviews

COOL VS NOT COOL

eight ball

tHREE THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME RIGHT NOW AND THREE THINGS THAT AREN’T SO MUCH. COOL Water fights.

Water restrictions?

What water restrictions...

End of Summer sales.

While retailers might think it’s autumn, you’ve still got another few weeks to wear that $5 summer outfit.

Pop tarts.

They might cost an arm and a leg and could probably give you diabetes, but Mill St Pak n Save are legends for stocking them nonetheless.

NOT COOL Hamilton’s heat wave.

If we wanted to boil our brain cells, we’d have moved to Australia.

Guinness hangovers.

There’s a reason St Patrick’s Day is only once a year.

Lecturers with sweat patches.

Even unorganised, hungover students remember to wear deodorant.

Welcome to the 8 ball. In the depths of my gooey black ass I will answer the secrets OF THE universe. You may not like MY answerS but lets be honest who else is going to tell you the truth, ugly.

Should I join the orcball team?

The fuck is orcball? No. Do you want friends?

As a general ‘life’ rule: If it sounds like anything sightly sci-fi - don’t go there.

Are you stealing my other sock?

Bitch please. I have an obsession with wearing matching socks. Be warned, wider universe, if the magic 8 ball sees you wearing odd socks I will rip your legs off.

I have a burning sensation when I urinate is it what I think it is?

Didn’t anyone ever tell you about BPDCJ? Bang, Pee, Drink Cranberry Juice. Say goodbye to UTI’s forever. Just call me Dr. Magic.

Is coffee on Campus too expensive?

Everything on campus is too expensive; just like my words of wisdom.

Should I take up smoking?

The cool reformed christian kids who are now ‘still in touch with God’, but who get completely messy on the weekend, would probably tell me to warn you against smoking. I’ll let you decide on that one.

However, if you’re preggers don’t be a dick.

A friend said I should put whiskey in my bucket, good idea?

Ah, yes. But none of this cheap ass whiskey. Whiskey deserves respect. If you’re going drink whiskey that costs less that $50 a bottle you may as well drink your own urine.

Will I fail Laws 302 Torts?

Yes. Who would want that on their conscience anyway? If you don’t want to fail go study something in T Block.

Can Batman beat Superman?

I.Can’t. Even. Argh.

Let’s do some numbers SUM OF AWESOME CARS: Batman > Superman SUM OF HOT GIRLFRIENDS: Batman > Superman SUM OF MONETARY WEATH: Bruce Wayne > Clark Kent SUM OF ABILITY TO FLY: Batman = Superman SUM OF SIDE KICKS: Batman > Superman SUM OF WEAPONS: Batman > Superman SUM OF BAD ASS-NESS: Batman > Superman Clear?

Should I date a mature student?

Sure, if your want to forgo happiness.

Will the University ever fix the parking problem?

All signs point to no. I mean, there’s no way they could take away parks from lecturers. Without more than 3 choices of empty parks there may be a strike.

capricorn

aquarius

pisces

(22 dec - 20 jan)

(21 jan - 19 feb)

(20 feb - 20 mar)

Break up with them they are cheating on you.

This may or may not be true. The stars can be petty and cruel.

Believe in yourself you are taking the right course of action. More pigs may be required to dispose of the bones though.

Be adventurous do something you have never done before. Attend one of your morning classes.

17

Feature

The Great Annual Nexus Bar Review As the drought conditions rage on wreaking havoc on the university green and the harsh realities of morning classes and overcrowded tutorials began to sink in the girls of Nexus came to the unilateral decision that it was time to get drunk. It was about halfway through this plan that Nexus Editor Alix Higby realised that it was about time we did a bar review anyway and thus a night out was born.

You see every year in one of the early issues Nexus gets a little philanthropic and decides to perform a public service for the campus.

They go out so that you don’t have to. Hit a bunch of big clubs in town, order as many drinks as they can and then tell you about the experience.

Against the better judgement of nearly everyone else who writes for us this year it was

decided that the task would be handled by Alix, Deputy Editor Louise Hutt and Kathlene Cook. Think of it like Charlie’s Angels if Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz were hammered the whole time and getting free drinks from the Law Students Association.

The next morning, with dark glasses on and arms covered with stamps they walked into the office and handled over a crumpled piece of paper with the word “Notes” and indecipherable scribble and illustrations. Like a scene from the Hangover we have done our best to piece together those notes and figure out why exactly they all wanted the week off.

Here is what we have so far:

AGENDA Alix’s Agenda notes • WULSA; fucking excellent.

• Good cunts.

• Louise made friends.

What She Meant: Apparently there is a place where you can get free drinks all night and all you need to do is crash a Waikato University Law Students Association party and offer to marry one or more of them. As it turns out, that coupled with repeating the lines we’re from Nexus ad nausea is enough to have a bunch of young eligible law students queuing up to buy you drinks. At least that is what happened to Louise. It was about this stage the girls realised this feature would be less bar review and more what the hell happened to me.

From what we can ascertain the drinks were excellent and the location inviting. However some of the law students out there need to work on their game as several drinks were bought and not a single phone number was exchanged, real or otherwise.

18

feature

Outback Alix’s OUTBACK notes • • • •

Played One Direction and Carly Rae. Searched all our bags on the way in.

Why Bear on TV?!!

Louise should take some photos.

What She Meant The Outback has been around for as long as anyone can remember. We were pretty sure it was actually here when the town was still called Kirikiriroa and the British soldiers loved doing Back drafts so much they figured fuck it we live here now.

Quotable “The Outback was less sticky than expected and that includes the people.” Louise

The reality is the Outback is like that drunk, inappropriate guy or girl at every high school party you ever attended. It loves whatever is on the radio at the moment, it’s a little cheap and a little worn around the edges and if you spend a night in it you don’t want any of your mates to find out. But at the end of day like the inappropriate drunk it really doesn’t give a fuck what you think because it knows exactly what it is and who it is there for. It also has some pretty sticky floors but we couldn’t add that to the analogy without throwing up in our mouths a little.

The truth of it all is that the Outback is still one of the staples of the town scene. We have all been there for an O-week Party, in fact we all spent most of our first year between that and Bar 101 and while some of us have grown to think it is all a little beneath us now the reality is that it will always hold a special place in our hearts. As we watched the first years queue up all the way down the alley like lambs to the slaughter there was a small part of each of us that wished we could still enjoy a place like the Outback without feeling a little dead inside.

After hours of questioning we still have absolutely no idea what the Bear was doing on the TV or for that matter if there was actually a bear on the TV.

BAR 101 Alix’s BAR 101 notes • Sticky. Very sticky.

• Young. Very young.

• Also very dark.

What She Meant: In the Caligula style drunken orgy that is first year Bar 101 reigns supreme. It was very dark, very sticky and populated by very young men and women and no one cares at all. We could rally against it, we could say that we didn’t

like it and we could tell you that top 40 songs and fluro parties will never really be cool. We could do all that and Bar101 would still be packed to the rafters every week because that is the place first years want to be. They go, they get their photo taken and they tag themselves in on Facebook. There is a reason the Bar101 Pool Party was packed at ORI2013 and if you’re a first year then you have probably skipped reading this part of the review. You know what Bar 101 is. It is your place. It will always be your place. Well maybe not always.

19

Feature

HOUSE Alix’s HOUSE notes •

•

•

•

•

Played Florence, Black Seeds and Beastie boys.

Dance music at 10.45 confused all the older people.

Singer is good/cute and his loop pedal was cool.

Nice bouncer. Busy. Age bracket 18-50.

Loud.

Mostly guys on a Thursday. Loads of seating.

What She Meant House is another bar that knows exactly what it is. This weirdly is tough to describe because it does cater to a number of different audiences. The transition period between the after work drink crowd and the town crowd can at times be a little rough and the general feeling was that a few people were given the subtle hint that when the dance music began maybe House was becoming something different for the evening. That having been said House has always been a favourite of the student crowd who want a meal and a few drinks that might turn into a longer evening out. Skint is pretty popular and the whole evening was helped by the three girls enjoying the acoustic performance of a guy with a loop pedal who “was so fucking hot.”

It’s busy, it’s live and it’s loud. That seems to be the mantra of House after 10pm. In many ways it is the counter balance to the Bar 101s and Outbacks of the world and by being that it allows both to exist with little overlap or direct competition for clientele.

GRAND CENTRAL

NITRO

Alix’s GRAND CENTRAL notes

Alix’s NITRO notes

• All cocktails.

• A little bit hot.

• Not too many people and they don’t smell bad.

• Chalk everywhere. Could do with a new rug.

• Louise would like to live here

• • • •

What She Meant: It might feel like a broom cupboard off House, but Grand Central might just be a little-known gem of the Hamilton club scene. Their lamps were upside down, their drinks list was in pile of old books, and their bar staff was very patient with us attempting to decide which of their many cocktails to order. It was like a less dark, less obnoxious version of Static. We ordered the Old English Margarita which was Tequila, Pimms, Cointreau, lime and marmalade and was excellent.

20

Played Beyonce.

Very empty.

Very sticky, stickier than Outback.

Teapots.

What She Meant Our last stop of the night, stepping into Nitro was like walking into a fly trap. Our shoes were stuck to the floor, we were confused by their giant Jenga and why they had blurry photos on canvas. Our recommendations certainly include mopping the floor but they get an A+ for music.

feature

SHINE Alix’s Shine notes • Empty.

• Smiley face stamps – excellent.

• Legalise love shot.

• Good dance area.

• Exercise equipment – pole.

• Perfume available in the toilets - Chanel No. 5

static

What She Meant By the time we got to Shine, it was nearly 1am. The oldies had cleared out of House when we left there at 10, but at Shine there was still a couple of older gentlemen sitting at the bar. Props to them. The dance floor had sweet lights, although it’d be easy to imagine it’d get very hot and smelly in there if there were more than about 20 people in there at one time.

Alix’s STATIC notes • Very dark.

• Feel like this is the only place in Hamilton you won’t get hit on.

• Playing a horror film.

• Everyone has glasses, or a hat, or stripes.

• The stamp didn’t actually wash off till Tuesday morning What She Meant Hamilton’s self proclaimed “alternative” bar, Static had certainly seen better days than when we wandered in their on an empty Thursday night. It’s tiny venue can be seen packed on event nights and it certainly has a loyal following. While we might have felt underdressed and a bit awkward, the bouncer was nice enough (and even posed for a photo) and their drink prices were fairly reasonable.

ratings Bar

Toilets Drink Size

Music/Band

Space Temp/Smell

Lighting

Crowd

10 5

7

8 10

9.5

8 8 8.1

10

5

6

8 8

10

6

10 7.8

Static

9

6

6

7 7

6

6

10 7.1

Bar 101

4

4

3

5 3

3

9

10 5.1

Agenda

7

7

5

7 8

8

10 10 7.7

Outback

6

7

6

9 7

7

4 5 6.3

Shine

7

7 Gay

8 6

7

6

10 7.2

Nitro

6.5

Can’t tell 7

7

5

0

8

House Grand Central

7

Staff

Total

5.7

21

entertainment & reviews

Crossword ~ General Knowledge

1

Puzzle Page

2

Complete the puzzle page, be the first to bring it in and show us, and you’ll win stuff!

3

4

5

6

7 8 9

10

11

12 13 14

EclipseCrossword.com

Samurai Sudoku

Across Clues 2. Period of great prosperity; also a movable arm carrying a camera or microphone over a film set. (4) 5. German engine designer considered to be the inventor of the gasoline-powered automobile. (4) 7. You can do this sex position in reverse. (7) 9. Flowing through a wine-producing region, one of the longest rivers in Europe. (5) 10. Small cube or sliver of pan-fried or toasted bread used to garnish Caesar salad and soups. (7) 13. Actor with a non-speaking role. (5) 14. The _ _____; television talent contest created by Simon Cowell which is now a global franchise. (1,6) Down Clues 1. Bar in Hamilton with a white picket fence.

(5) 3. Application with a cloud-like logo, used for instant messaging, video-conferencing and telephone calls. (5) 4. New Zealand film director and producer who co-wrote the 2012 movie The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. (7) 6. The ultimate goal of Buddhism. (7) 8. The 37th president of the US. (5) 11. Taxonomic category ranking above family.

(5) 12. French educator who invented a reading system for people who are visually impaired or blind. (7)

Wuzzle

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

22

lifestyle

L

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23

Lifestyle

Sex Quiz 24

lifestyle

Hello my nexus-reading sexual deviants!

Today we have a quiz for you to find out just how sexually qualified you are! Will you be a fumbling first-year or a Voyeuristic ValeDICKtorian? Read on...

01_ The “hungry pickle” is: a. A cafe in Waihi

d. Anal

a. The barrier method

07_ Which of the below is a real Cosmo Sex Tip?

b. Vatican roulette

a. Tickle his feet with your nipples - climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet

d. Absinthe

b. A character in a children’s story who meets their untimely end in a cannery

b. Create an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in

c. A position where the man puts his penis in a jar and their partner must smash the jar with their teeth to initiate intercourse

c. Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body, then lick it off

d. None of the above

d. All of the above

02_ Using your teeth is:

08_ is:

a. Never appropriate b. Appropriate if you don’t draw blood c. A way of ruining your contraceptive device and thereby making babies d. Fun when you’re a vampire

03_ Leaving your clothes on during sex is: a. Hot b. Rude c. A way of attaining uncomfortable chafage d. Lazy

c. Abstinence

13_ The worst celebrity to turn up mid-coitus out of the blue uninvited: a. Nicholas Cage b. Miranda c. Rick Astley d. The Queen

14_ The worst mistake made during sex is: The best way to get them in the mood

a. Watch Sailor Moon together b. Suck on their toes while they sleep c. Eat something phallic (like a banana) in front of them d. Do the housework

a. Farting b. Unplanned impregnation c. A parent/flatmate/pet/burglar walking in on you d. Not offering them a cigar afterward (your partner, not your parent/flatmate/pet/ burglar) 15_ Most disturbing poster to wake up to at your one-night-stand’s house:

09_ The sexiest outfit is:

a. Nickleback

a. An extremely accurate cosplay of Bane

b. Birds with teeth

b. Your naked self

c. One Direction but with Meryl Streep’s face stuck over Harry Styles’

c. A bodysuit made entirely of corned beef leftovers

d. Posters of yourself

d. A polkadot onesie 04_ The best time to have sex is: a. Whilst giving birth b. Whilst driving c. During a 20/20 match d. When the other party is willing

05_ How many people does a woman have to sleep with before being a ‘slut’? a. 2 b. 7 c. 34 d. This is a trick question

06_ Lubricant is a fun tool for: a. Waterslides b. Car parts c. Flavoured breath and ruining banana milk shakes for life

Cs get degrees 0-15 10_ It’s too hot for sex, so you: a. Go and get ice cream together (it might not be sex but it’s a good consolation prize) b. Empty an ice tray into their underwear and tell them to “GET READY, BABY!” c. Have sex on a garden waterslide like exhibitionist penguins d. Watch Friends reruns

So maybe you need to reconsider some life/ attitude choices, but that doesn’t mean you can’t score on Saturday night. As long as you got number 4 & 5 right, consider yourself Nexus approved.

Above average 15-30 Congrats on being more world-weary than your bog-standard student. Clearly you still have a little bit to go, but that’s okay, there’s always next year’s quiz.

11_ The best sex track is: a. Silence – the sound of my hand is enough

Dean’s list 30-45

b. Enya

The top of the faculty – well done my friend!

Feel free to go forth a prosper, we’re certain you’re the best of the gene pool.

c. 50 Cent – In Da Club d. The Portuguese national anthem

12_ The best contraceptive is:

Question One A1, B0, C2, D3. Question Two A2, B1, C3, D.0 Question Three A0, B2, C3, D1 Question Four A0, B1, C3, D2 Question Five A0, B0, C0, D3. Question Six A0, B1, C3, D2 Question Seven A1, B1, C1, D3, Question Eight A2, B0, C1, D3. Question Nine A2, B3, C0, D1. Question Ten A3, B0, C2, D1. Question Eleven A3, B2, C0, D1 Question Twelve A2, B0, C3, D1 Question Thirteen A3, B1 ,C2, D0. Question Fourteen A0, B3, C1, D2. Question Fifteen A3, B0,C1, D2 25

Lifestyle

Mr Minty Fish DECK. I asked, you answered. These are the questions you wanted to know, answered by a few of Hamiltons finest. Well. They all live in Hamilton.

What is the worst thing a chick can do in front of you?

-Pull a dick out of her pants.

-Pull out a tampon.

-Pick her nose and eat it What’s your pulling strategy?

-Grab on and pull?

-Don’t push -Either the nice guy strategy, or the straight up ‘you’re really bangin’ and see where it leads approach Boobs or ass?

Catherine and it’s considered sexual harassment apparently.

-Because I am yet to find a cat called “Every cat” -Cause some cats are “scaredy-cats” and some have aids so cant hug those ones MTV makes a reality show in Hamilton.

What is it called and what is it about?

-It’s a documentary about the life of an STD bacteria.

-Filthy water because the people are just as dirty as the river.

-It would be called ‘bogans, beef, sluts and skux’ - the story of nightlife in Hamilton -The Tron: The Geordie Shore of Ham East.

I hope you feel enlightened. Ask away my prettys. Love you forever xxx MMF mmf@nexusmag.co.nz @mrmintyfish P.S. You look extremely fuckable today. A first year will probably masturbate over you later.

P.P.S. Slippery gypsy.

Auteur Auteur House presents...

Ernest Hemingway.

Adapting the work of any literary stylist to the cinema is never an easy task. With Ernest Hemingway, the cult American author, bullfighting enthusiast, gay-bashing alcoholic huntsman and fisherman, the challenge is considerable. Hemingway’s narratives are usually secondary to his sense of time and place, his characters - particularly the minor ones - tend to lack what might be termed psychological realism and his dialogue always reads better than it sounds. For all this there have been some film versions of Hemingway’s work that do manage to capture its uniquely stoic tone.

What follows is a list of the Hemingway films that Auteur House offers for rental, in rough chronological order.

-Boobs 100%.

-Everyone loves a good tit.

-Ass, for sure.

Phoenix group or Lawrenson and why?

-I’ll go with phoenix because it sounds cooler.

I don’t really know what those are, they have something to do with who owns clubs right?

-All of them, I am all about rainbows and sunshine, not some turf war -Lawrenson group because I work there but Phoenix bars are better.

-Phoenixson Opinion on the Harlem Shake?

-Bored to death of it. The only decent one was the dryer one anyway.

-When New World launches a video of a dance you know it’s time to give up -Harlem shake can fuck off we played that song over a year ago, the fact it’s just catching on now annoys me and other musically informed friends of mine, but I have seen some funny ones -Funny Why can’t you hug every cat?

-Because some of them are humans called 26

1. A Farewell to Arms (1932) & (1957). The former is a model adaptation of Papa’s WW I classic, with Gary Cooper the archetypal Hemingway hero and Helen Hayes his doomed lover. The ending is romanticised but still reasonably true to the book. The 1957 version is a travesty, an overblown melodrama with gargantuan production values and an aging leading lady. Having Rock Hudson - a closeted gay man - as the male lead is at least ironic.

2. For Whom the Bell Tolls (1943).

Hemingway’s Spanish Civil War masterpiece is given a period technicolour treatment with a 12 years older Gary Cooper still cutting the mustard and a never-more-beautiful-ortouching Ingrid Bergman as his paramour. The supporting cast is exceptionally strong and the ending brilliantly realised, the very definition of heroic sacrifice.

lifestyle

3. To Have and Have Not (1944). The legendary movie which brought together Bogart and Bacall. The book is minor Hemingway and is mostly ignored.

Charismatic actors, razor sharp dialogue and trade mark excellence from director Howard Hawks make this the best of the in-name-only adaptations.

4. The Killers (1946) & (1964). Both these films use the original short story as a launching pad for a speculative, larger narrative. The earlier version is more faithful to the Hemingway tone, albeit filtered through then emerging film noir aesthetic. Ava Gardener makes for a stunning femme fatale.

The 1964 film has Lee Marvin in an early lead part, supported by Ronald Reagan, nasty as never before in his last screen acting role.

Tough and stylish.

5. The Snows of Kilimanjaro (1952). Gregory Peck hasn’t quite got the stoical depth of Gary Cooper and this version of one of the author’s better known and respected short stories is too soapy by half, with an ending that comes perilously close to cop out.

6. The Old Man and the Sea (1958) & (1991).

Spencer Tracy, Hollywood’s most naturalistic actor, tries very hard to impersonate Papa’s geriatric Cuban fisherman but the film somehow misses the mark, indulging the book’s sentimental side and let down by back projected special effects. The 1991 version has Anthony Quinn.

7. Islands in the Stream (1977). A faithful if far-from-fun adaptation of Hemingway’s autobiographical, posthumously published tome. George C Scott is well cast as the bearded patriarch but the fathers-and-sons narrative is depressing.

By Richard Swainson

Boganology 101 Wear the Bogan Badge.

I told ya we get a bad rap. On the 4th of March the Waikato Times reported that the Hamilton Gardens Festival was a sign that Hamilton wasn’t full of “yokels and bogans”. I am a yokel and a Bogan and I disagree. Firstly, Bogans are regular Gardens patrons. Just after hours. I’ve lost count of the number of times that I and other Bogans have entered the grounds and gotten drunk, only to fall into the Japanese Garden’s hedge moat. Then we scrambled drunk through the undergrowth only to pop our heads up like meerkats. Secondly, it’s a bad judgement call relating to cultural hierarchies. I’ve been through this though. It’s a shame Hamilton doesn’t embrace its Bogan-ness. The Times, centre of vitriol (check out the big brain on Brett!), previously commented on my scholarship as “96k buys us a Bogan label”, admitting that Hamilton is a Bogan capital (sorry Westies). It was a reluctant and sarcastic admission. We also had the V8s, which in Bogan circles is always said in triplicate (the dictionary is on fire today!) “V8, V8, V8” and said in the best Tim Allen growl you can manage. I know I’m sounding like that effeminate guy crying on Youtube about leaving Britney Spears alone, but to have your culture publicly targeted as often as Bogans are, it sux (back to the Bogan vernacular). Yes I’m using this column for my own personal reasons; why else would I write it? Stay Bogan \m/

By Burton C Bogan

Little Beer Corner What the hell is craft beer?

Two hundred years ago all beer was craft beer. Every little village had their own brewery whose job it was to keep the locals happy. Nowadays there is more happening at both ends of the spectrum when it comes to both small and large breweries. Big breweries keep getting bigger by buying up little guys and at the same time more and more little operations are opening as crafted product is more in demand.

traditional’. The size of the NZ population and our relative youth on the international beer scene means that maybe we don’t fit easily into this definition. So, for my two cents I would describe a craft brewery as anyone who’s having a crack at making great tasting beer in smaller batches (by small I mean not 50,000 litres at a time), using good ingredients and trying to produce a product that is better.

One important thing to remember when drinking beer is that your own opinion is the most important one. Whether you like drinking cans of Castlepoint before you head into town or whether you save up your paper-round money to buy a single bottle of US West Coast Imperial India Pale Ale. Fortune favours the brave. Try something new.

Right now in New Zealand we have more than 70 breweries making everything from budget lagers through to bottle conditioned ales and all the weird and wonderful brews in the middle. It is widely thought that a true craft brewery should be ‘small, independent and 27

LIFESTYLE

Carnage Bun Queen.

Dark Tales of Flatting The Tale of Feral Dave.

We were advertising for a flatmate when we get a call from a guy who says he can move in as soon as possible, the chief reason he was being kicked out of his current flat. Like a bunch of retards we take him in.

So of course hes your stereotypical piece of shit flatmate, never cleans up, plays loud music at all hours, can’t even dry himself off after a shower bla bla bla... That sort of thing you can deal with. Then he starts telling you “ Oh hey I borrowed your bike today to get to class, you don’t mind aye.” or “I went through your room today looking for spare change, you dont mind aye.”

He quickly gets the nickname Feral Dave.

We also lived next door to a halfway house with some rather unsavoury types, with one of the tenants constantly asking if we could score crack for him and having very loud arguements with his minder about whether or not he should drink and smoke drugs while on medication. We generally agreed not to have anything to do with this bunch save for polite nods, until Feral Dave decided to invite the particular fellow around for beers and weed. After coaxing the nieghbour out of the house, we simply couldn’t explain to him enough how his behaviour wasn’t beneficial to anyone involved.

The final straw came when my flatmates german girlfriend came round for a visit and he drives her to tears trying to hotly debate Hitler and the holocaust. We gave him a week to get out, and he told us that wasn’t fair. We told he was lucky he wasn’t getting the shit beaten out of him.

28

Once upon a time, some very sad and miserable third years thought perhaps that it would be an excellent idea to go to an O Week party (before they became post-grads, because everyone knows that’s just depressing).

“Pre-drinks!” they shouted in unison, only ...where to have it?! “Our house is already a shambles!” piped up one of them, “we can drink there!” We’ll call her, Tallulah.

She decided she’d be gracious, and pick up the other party goers. Only, by the time she arrived to pick them up, many alcoholic beverages had already been consumed by her friends. Make-up had been applied poorly, drinks had been spilt and for some reason there was a supermarket bag filled with buns being called dinner. Now there was an unfortunate end to this bag of buns. If there was one thing Tallulah learnt that night, it was do not ever put drunkards in charge of food.

Tallulah’s friends thought it would be deeply amusing to be as big a distraction as possible while they were making the commute back to the drinking flat. Window wipers were turned on, the horn was tooted, and there many have even be nudity out the back windows.

However, nothing beat Tallulah’s oldest and wisest friend who was sitting directly behind her. Pulling out the bag of buns, spilling out most of them to be lost forever under the seats, she found the biggest bun and placed it on Tallulah’s head proclaiming “ALL HAIL THE BUN QUEEN!”

LIFESTYLE

Advice from my Folks’ Jess is forced to get a life (temporarily)

One time back when I was the awkwardest of awkward ducks, I found myself on the phone talking to my mother. The conversation wasn’t really going anywhere and we were getting near our third round of talking about the weather when my mother started warming up to ending the conversation.

“Oh, your father is going to be home soon,” She said, her voice heavy with meaning.

“I’ve got quite a bit of stuff to do too.” She sighed out.

“Oh! Look! Is that the time?” She squeaked.

I, however, was not ready at all to end the conversation. Much like a Sim, I was needing to fill my social quota and ending the conversation would prematurely end the slow rise of my social interaction bar.

“Yeah, that’s cool Mum. Anyway I-” “Jessica, I can’t spend the whole day talking on the phone to you about whether or not your bones are Weather Psychics that were gifted to you by some obscure god that you don’t believe in. I have things to do.”

Rude, I thought.

“You should be doing stuff too; like living.

We’re going to take a break from talking for a week. Go do stuff. Apply for a job. Heck, go for a walk. Just don’t call. You need to put yourself out there.”

Essentially, my mother was telling me to get a life. Talking on the phone to my mother was a type of comfort zone for me and it appeared she knew that staying in one’s comfort zone all the time can hold you back. In that 4 days that we didn’t talk(she caved and called me), I made a CV, got a job interview and, while I got the time for the interview wrong and showed up awkwardly on the wrong day, it still all happened.

While comfort zones are great, it seems like the more exciting things happen when you venture outside of it’s limits.

Slut DJ On break-ups, drugs and strippers.

money.

So the group of us stumbled up the stairs of the dimly lit gentleman’s club and put Blackie’s plan into action. We ignore the girls, purchase a couple of bottles and retire to one of the booths.

The plan works flawlessly – to celebrate I do a line.

There’s two things in life that I’m incredibly fond of. The first being naked women and the second is partying with friends who’ve recently come out of long term relationships.

Completely ignoring the glaring blackhole of depression, there is something about the borderline suicidal that makes for the best clubbing companions.

So needless to say, when one of my best friend’s, cautiously and racistly renamed as ‘Blackie’ for this column, broke up with the Wicked Witch of the Waikato I quickly swapped down my bucket of water for a jar of whiskey.

He put forth a plan of drinking to forget, a plan that we could all get behind.

So, after a few jugs with a small group of young professionals complimented by a dusting of MDMA (the snow was good this year) one of the more charming males of the group suggested venturing up to Hush Hush, the local strippers.

Not a fan of throwing money down a hole, especially when you can get so much more for so much less at The Outback, I put forth my objection only to be countered by Blackie who had come up with an idea.

“We head up there and not buy a single lap dance or anything, all we’ll do is buy a bunch of bottles of champagne and hang out together. Trust me, the girls will gravitate towards us.”

The plan seemed solid enough and when we did the math and found that champagne costs less than $10 a glass, when bought as a bottle, the plan suddenly became affordable – especially when your backer has breakup

Instantly we are surrounded by half naked “imports”, girls who strip outside of their city of residence as to avoid encountering friends and family – one of the many fun facts I learnt on this particular outing.

These girls worked and boy did they work hard.

A lot of what a stripper does is floor work, showing the more withdrawn customers that they deserve their money because they have a nice personality, noble goals and “are just doing it to get through uni”.

It serves a nice reversal of typical Waikato interaction – where the guy does all the work - and after an hour of charming each other three of us take a girl home each.

Back in Hamilton East and the girls speak, free of the poles and the ridiculously loud Top 40 remixes, they talk and talk and talk.

And it was as bad as you think it would be.

Within ten minutes I’ve been harassed multiple times about being a ‘slut’ from the girl I’m with, lectured about my drug use (so I do another line) and how every man is “after the exact same thing” – which, I guess she was bang on the money about.

The lecture goes on for another 30 minutes and doesn’t look like it’s stopping any time soon. So I do what any red blooded man in my position would do, I curl up in the fetal position and pretend to fall asleep.

I spent the next hour in quiet self reflection with my eyes firmly shut and wondering if my heart is going to explode from all the drugs.

29

ALICE & A Lifestyle

Alice & Anne

By ALICE & ANNE

Extreme fictional makeover: Nexus Edition

Makeovers – I love them! Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is my favourite – I’ll admit to having shed a few tears and having a hard think about life after watching it.

But the makeovers I want to talk about today, dear readers, are strictly fashion related. You see, Anne and my conversations often go off on a tangent – or rather ride off into the sunset on a wild tangerine. One such conversation was about making over various fictional characters.

Our first subjects would be Donald and Daffy Duck. Why do they not wear pants!? Can you imagine if you saw a middle aged man wandering around with just a sailor’s top/vicar’s collar on, with his ‘tail’ on show for the world to see? At least Finland has cottoned on and banned Donald Duck for this act of wildest exhibitionism. Makeover recommendation: Pants. Please.

Our next subjects would be wizards in muggle’s clothing. Nightgowns, cummerbunds and knickerbockers all make an appearance at one time or another when a magical person is trying to blend into a muggle environment, no doubt setting some strange hipster trends.

Now we know where Macklemore got his inspiration from…

Makeover recommendation: Next time a simple t-shirt and jeans combo would suffice.

was even the slight possibility that I would be shot at on any given day I would at least wear long pants, if not a sleeping bag made entirely of Kevlar where I would stay, cosily cocooned, until everything sorted itself out.

Makeover recommendation: Kneepads at the very least.

Trend Spotting

By ALICE AND ANNE

Campus Trends

Urban Bohemian

To contrast, there are many characters that, had we the chance, Anne and I would immobilise and strip of their outfits before gleefully gallivanting off into the night with our purloined plunder.

Johnny Depp. Oh Johnny. I realise that Tim Burton is probably a large influence on what he wears but ol’ JD really makes those outfits sing (although his haircut as Willy Wonka was a few follicles short of disturbing).

Anne and I agree that all interpretations of Sherlock Homes are well done, and most of The Doctors also, except for the one with the hat, the scarf, the bad perm and the ginger sideburns.

If we had our way I’m sure fiction, film and fantasy would be a lot less interesting and probably involve an inappropriately high amount of polka dots, so maybe we’ll just stick to our day jobs.

SLIGHTLY STONED Now Lara Croft is badass and oh-so-sexy, but her outfit choices are not so practical. Yes, her character was originally written for a video game (played widely by males), but that’s no excuse for poor preparation. I feel like if there

SLIGHTLY STONED CHEF Fritters 30

Stay beautiful and keep the knickerbockers for special occasions –

Contrasting textures and prints (floral chiffon and denim) are certainly something we’ve seen a bit of this summer. Add dip-dyed hair and round sunglasses and you have a recipe for a perfect heat-wave outfit.

Alice.

Get together whatever you have in the fridge, ¼ cup of flour, ¼ cup of beer and 3 eggs.

Grate up 3 cups of whatever you want to put into the fritters (vegetables, meat, left overs, frozen peas).

lifestyle

Arts Hoss Aneece Most artists spend hours deciding what to draw, how to draw it, what emotions the want to convey, and above all else the refinement of their artwork. Me? I’m not THAT complex.

I just draw things. Most of my work is fairly simplistic and goofy (mainly caricatures of myself and my friends) but I try and do some more intricate things such as fantasy work and psychedelic stuff for album covers in the hopes (like all artists) to improve my skills.

Mix all the ingredients together.

Fry in a frying pan with a tablespoon of butter and a tablespoon of oil until golden.

Eat.

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Auditor LING132: Introduction to Linguistic Communication.

It’s amazing what you can learn in a single hour, from a class you have no business attending, selected by wandering through hallways at random and joining whichever queue contains the highest ratio of fake glasses and chequered shirts.

The nervous charge in the air, the faint reek of post-O-Week academic panic, forces me to conclude that this is a first year paper. In the next seat, a girl is rearranging law textbooks, and I begin to sweat. Wearing a tie, extorting exhorbitant amounts of money, and shouting “Denny Crane” a lot is pretty much the extent of my judicial understanding.

Even so, having commenced full-scale mental preparation for my debut as the greatest legal mind since Reese Witherspoon’s chihuahua went to Harvard, it’s almost a disappointment when “LING132: Introduction to Linguistic Communication” flares up on the projector.

Almost.

I quickly realise that I’ve underestimated the potential hilarity of this paper when Australian

blonde Jim Carrey.

LING132 is honestly fascinating. I learn that linguistically, no accent, or ‘dialect’, is superior to any other (a claim that raises some serious issues, as everyone knows the Irish are the sexiest speakers in the world – and anyone who says otherwise is probably deaf or British), and that we subconsciously mimic people with whom we talk regularly, which

“...I’ve underestimated the potential hilarity of this paper when Australian accents are mentioned and the lecture theatre devolves into loud repetitions of the word ‘fish’.” accents are mentioned and the lecture theatre devolves into loud repetitions of the word ‘fish’. The lecturer exhausts her meagre supply of foreign volunteers almost immediately and so, logically, decides to demonstrate the gamut of accents herself, which is fantastic as I had no idea Waikato Uni was employing a

is why you probably shouldn’t swear around Grandma. If sexy accents and syntax are your thing, definitely consider taking this course, if for no other reason than as an alternative to that first year interest paper in psychology that everyone drops after the novelty wears off.

Director Profile Daniel Farrell.

Hey, I’m Daniel, one of the Directors of your Waikato Students’ Union for 2013. I’m in my fourth year at Waikato, studying Law and Management. Since I came to Waikato in 2010, I’ve been involved around campus in a few roles, from being a class rep, as I’m sure many of you have or will before you leave, as well as contributing to Nexus from 2010-2012 and being involved with the student radio station on campus, Contact FM. Because I’m sure someone at Nexus will add this in here if I don’t, I also used to do Irish Dance. In 2006, I was National Champion in my age group. And before anyone asks, no I did not do any Irish Dance on Saint Patricks Day, and yes, I’ve probably heard every joke you can come up with.

My role at the WSU this year is the Campaigns portfolio. The job of this portfolio is to ensure that you as members of WSU, students at Waikato, or both, are informed about things going on around campus that may affect you. One example of this is the election for a Student Member of the University Council. This election will likely take place in B Semester this year.

If you have any questions about what I am going to be doing for you in 2013, please email me at dcf5@waikato.ac.nz. I also update a Facebook page where I can, so check that out at www.facebook.com/ DanielFarrellWSU. 32

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Veeps This week VP Maori Te Wairere Ngaia talks sport, smoking and how to pronounce basic words and phrases.

Kia ora! (pronounced kee-ah-awe-rrrah!)

Just wanted to give a little Reo Maaori tip because I’m personally very sad at how much people can’t say kia ora properly or Waikato (why-cart-awe NOT why-cart-toe). Reason being is that we attend WAIKATO University.

Also, because kia ora literally means BE ALIVE or LIVE LIFE. So when someone greets you with kia ora they are acknowledging your existence and your LIFE. So show these terms some respect by not mispronouncing them please.

Anyway, talking about LIFE brings me to Haakinakina (sports) Day and smoking.

Haakinakina day is on this Wednesday 27th, and is an epic day where sports teams representing different faculties battle it out for the ultimate title! Haven’t submitted a team yet? Talk to your mentor coordinators whom you should be VERY familiar with, and they’ll suss something out for you.

Now, to smoooooooooking. I get that it’s another freedom on campus gone, but I’m OVEEEEEEERRRR eating at momento and all the expensive s*** that I paid for tastes like smoke. It seeps into EVERYTHING: food, clothes and other shops so their food tastes like smoke as well.

Therefore, KIA ORA everyone. No smoking will give us all a chance to be alive.

Te Wairere.

President’s Column We can’t be sure here but either WSU President Aaron Letcher ponders the case for improving education while putting the interest back on student loans or he is blessed with a natural sarcasm that just doesn’t translate to print.

The New Zealand student loan scheme is said to be the most generous in the world, although we are not the only country to make such a bold claim. But who are you going to trust, John Key, or Denmark? Regardless of whether we live up to that standard, we are undeniably extremely fortunate. Our government funds three quarters of our tuition through subsidies, and the quarter that we are expected to pay can be funded through an interest-free student loan. In addition to this we have access to financial support such as student allowance, living costs, and course related costs. These provisions ensure that finance is never a barrier to tertiary education.

This generous scheme has been achieved through years of lobbying successive governments by student associations such as NZUSA and our very own Waikato Students’ Union, and perhaps a last minute 2005 Labour Party lolly scramble – but whose complaining?

The question I would now like to put to you is, is this system sustainable? Student debt has now reached $13 billion dollars, a glaring problem in itself. Servicing this debt is an expensive task, with the government coughing up $484 million in 2011 to pay the interest bill on existing student loans. There is no denying that is a significant portion of our $4 billion tertiary education budget.

This is where the dilemma lies. If we continue funnelling funds out of the tertiary budget to write off interest, how can we afford to upgrade facilities and improve the standard of our universities? In my opinion we need a better balance between quantity of education and quality of education. The original policy objectives of the student loan scheme have been met with participation rates increasing

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from 21% in 1990 to 40% twenty years later, this battle has already been won and access to education is no longer the problem. The new fight than needs to be fought is to improve the quality of the education we receive, so when we walk away from this place the piece of paper we take with us is actually worth something.

The reality is that geographically New Zealand is part of the Asia-Pacific region, and we are all competing with the likes of Singapore and China. These countries are churning out graduates faster than their sweatshops churn out iPhones, and they are all prepared to work for less than a kiwi. We will never be able to do the job cheaper, especially with the Greens whinging on about a living wage, so we need to do it better – or face a lifetime of paying a student loan off with a WINZ cheque. The choice is ours.

Until next time, Aaron

WSU

Clubs Noticeboard New clubs hoping to affiliate and get numbers to start a club ..so go join up!

Hamilton Youth Council Jason Sebastain 0210533680 htownyouthcouncil@gmail.com Wai Taiko Japanese Drummers Lianne Stephenson 021029509450 info @waitaiko.com

Cooking Club Colin Pilbrow colinpilbrow@yahoo.co.uk Waikato Mo Bros Rab Heath 0210555696 mobros@moustachioco.com

Hamilton Volleyball Club WUNA (Niuean Students Assoc) Shaunna Polley Jenasis Hannlitama 0273143977 02102372627 Waikato Badminton Assoc.

Wado Kai karate Club Tj Weistra Zac Lyon 021464229 021321397 cac@waikatobadminton.co.nz Ultimate Frisbee Alex Keyte Beattie 0273046863 amk40@waikato.ac.nz

The Mandarin Corner

Contact FM

Learn Chinese, the most widely spoken language in the world. The Mandarin Corner is all about promoting culture and friendship.

Facebook us @ Waikato Mandarin Corner.

Radio doesn’t need to suck! Help make the world a better place, one song at a time!

Contact FM-Hamilton’s finest indie/alt station, avoiding crap music since 1986!

Get involved, become a DJ, event vollie or just help out.

Contact us and we will contact you: contact@ contactfm.co.nz

Human Resources Students Association ‘Coffee & Cake’ Seminar Series Recruiting as an HR Manager – Seminar with Rose McVeagh, HR Manager at Sky City.

20th March, 1-2pm, Guru Room @ WSU Building.

For more info & to RSVP see www.facebook. com/HRSA.Waikato

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Ask Amber Do I need a part time job?

Some of you may be coming to realise by now that your Student Allowance or Student Living Costs isn’t all that much money. Some of you may be coming to terms that a little bit more money really wouldn’t hurt all that much.

Some of you may just need to budget.

In the past, particularly during this time of year, I have met with students who for whatever reason have no money. As a past student myself I can say we have all gone through this type of situation. It sucks. Working part time

Fruit Picking job from last summer it is probably not the best look.

2.

Get some tips on cover letter writing.

Or even better go and get some tips on cover letter writing, CV and interviewing skills at the University Careers Office, Email them here: careers@waikato.ac.nz 3.

What does your online profile say about you? It is not uncommon for employers to have what we call an online ‘stalk’ before they bring someone in for an interview. If your profile picture on Facebook is one of you falling over drunk at a party with your boobs hanging out then it may be time to think about refreshing your profile.

4.

Research the company before you go in for an interview. There is nothing more embarrassing than being asked what you like most

Some of you may be coming to terms that a little bit more money really wouldn’t hurt all that much. may be that one thing that stops you from leading an unsustainable lifestyle.

about the company you’re applying for and sitting there with a blank look on your face.

Below are five short, sharp tips for getting an interview and possible job proposal:

5.

Look good at the interview. When you look good, you feel good.

1. Make sure your CV is up-to-date and relates to the job you are applying for. That hospitality job on Trade Me looks great but when you send in your CV and cover letter saying that you’re interested in the Seasonal

If you are worrying about how you are budgeting your expenses this year then come in and talk to Amber the Advocate. Email: advocacy@ wsu.org.nz Phone: 07 856 9139

Young Workers Resource Centre

After speaking to a number of education providers, employers and young people I would like to present a challenge to all young people.

We have the opportunity to take the power from the policy makers. If there is no issue with young workers then there would be less reasons to implement these polices that can impact us so unfairly.

Kylie Zinsli challenges young people to take power back.

I have been thinking about recent employment policy changes and the impacts they have on young people at work. The 90 day trial period, the starting out wage, etc. they all have major consequences to young people at work, both negative and positive. But there must be a better way.

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Let us be the right employee, Let us be as productive as people two years older than us, Let us be committed and appreciative of our employment.

It is my hope that if we reach this challenge then policies that reduce the rights and entitlements of young workers will not be necessary.

For this to work, everyone has to be on board.

It is something we need to tell our younger siblings, our year 9’s coming through high school, and eventually our kids.

Citizens Advice Bureau Are you being Underpaid?

From 1 April 2013, the adult minimum wage will increase from $13.50 to $13.75 an hour.

The training and new entrants’ minimum wages will also increase from $10.80 to $11 (or 80% of the adult minimum wage).

By law, employees have to be paid at least the minimum hourly wage rate including pay for any extra time worked over eight hours a day or 40 hours a week even if an employee is paid by commission or by piece rate.

Minimum wages apply to all workers, including home workers, casuals, temporary and part-time workers even if they have not been included in employment agreements. The only exception is when an employee holds an exemption permit. Holiday pay must be paid in addition to the minimum wage. If an employee receives “pay-as-you-go” holiday pay, this payment must be a separate and identifiable part of their pay.

An employee being paid less than the minimum wage should firstly talk to their employer. If this doesn’t resolve the problem they can ring the Employment Relations infoline on 0800 20 90 20 during business hours to get information on what to do. Employees can also get help from a mediator (www.ers. govt.nz).

The University branch of Citizens Advice Bureau can give you information about this or other hassles you might have. Come and speak to the CAB (by the Printery) any time between 11am and 1 pm, Monday to Friday or phone 0800FORCAB.

WSU

Was This You? Bar 101.

Was this you out on the town last week? Vote for the photo you think should win a prize at facebook.com/nexusmagNZ.

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