Nexus Issue 06, 2013

ISSUE 06, VOLUME 45

03 APRIL 2013

We Go Digital - sort of

We Make FUN of WMS Is the story of easter the best carnage colum?

EASTER EGG HUNT!!

FREE EYE SCREENING AT ORANGA BUILDING EVERY FIRST & SECOND WEDNESDAY OF EACH MONTH (1-3PM)

TOTAL VISION OPTOMETRISTS 443 GREY ST, HAMILTON EAST

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29 Hood Street, Hamilton Central

Ph (07) 9811321 * Discount applies to WINTEC or Uni Waikato card holders main meal only. Max discount $25. Must present student/ staff card prior to bill payment to redeem offer. Not valid with Frequent Diner Card, Kid’s Eat Free, $9.90 lunches or any other offer or discount. Valid at Hog’s Breath Hamilton.

contents

issue 06 / VOLUME 45 / 01 APRIL / 2013

elcom sue SI

Editorial Team Editor Alix Higby editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Deputy Editors Louise Hutt & Jess Edmonds-Saunders louise@nexusmag.co.nz jess@nexusmag.co.nz News Editor zanian steele news@nexusmag.co.nz Online Editor Alix Higby online@nexusmag.co.nz

Graphic Designer Haylie Gray design@nexusmag.co.nz

Managing Editor James Raffan james@nexusmag.co.nz

Advertising Advertising Manager Tony Arkell ads@nexusmag.co.nz

Contributors C-Ball, Regan, Kathlene Cook, Daniel Petersen, Matt Hicks, Morgahna Godwin, HP, Jayde van Maanen, Jess Molina, Jess Tuakeu, Caitlin Ashworth, Kelsey Weld, Kylie Zinsli, Hoss Aneece, Gil Denny, Amber, Nathan Sweetman, Matthew Brown and Aaron Letcher

News

[4] Sports thoughts.

[5] Left vs Right: Easter Trading.

[6] Not News.

Entertainment and Reviews

[8] Feature - Nexus Reimagines the story of Easter: The Greatest Carnage Column Never Told.

[10] Local Artist Gig Guide Horoscopes [11] Eight Ball.

Cool vs Not Cool Horoscopes [12] Feature - 2nd Annual WSU & Nexus Great Easter Egg Hunt.

[14] Slut DJ + Mr Minty Fish [22] Poetry Corner + Comic

Lifestyle

[16] Alice and Anne + Trendspotting [17] Arts - Matthew Brown

Print Fusion Print

Nexus Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily the views of Nexus magazine, the WSU, Printers, the editor or any of our advertisers.

Ground Floor, Student Union Building Gate One, University of Waikato Knighton Road, Hamilton

online nexusmag.co.nz facebook.com/nexusmagNZ @waikatostudents

1

Editorial

Editorial

Highlight Reel

By ALIX HIGBY

this week in nexus // Pg: 8

If you’re one of those people who spends hours searching for the perfect quote to adhere your life to, here’s one of Oscar Wilde’s that I particularly enjoy; “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” Here’s another I just made up, “Stop quoting, start doing.” That’s it. If you want to do something, fucking do it. Stop thinking about doing it, talking about doing it, and talking yourself out of doing it.

It’s one thing to be unsure about something; it’s another to never get off your ass.

I’m not the most motivated individual out there, and I have my fair share of self-doubt (these editorials are not my best pieces of writing) but I am pretty sick of all the proclamations of virtue and inspiration by people who accomplish nothing much. We all know that it’s easier to endlessly look for inspira-

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Speaking of being fierce, you probably want to show everyone how fierce you really are, right? You’ll post a quote of Einstein’s, or god forbid Tony Robbin’s, and show the world what you believe and can do. Has anyone ever thought of stepping away from the public arena and living their life admirably, just because? We don’t need to share every remarkable thing we’ve done in order for it to be so. If you’re going to the gym, then go hard. Leave Facebook out of it, though. Stop walking around explaining all the ways in which you are an amazing person, and just be an amazing person.

2

Is the story of crucifixtion the greatest carnage column ever? We reimagine Easter.

// Pg: 10

LOCAL ARTIST What do you get when you take a guy from The Good Fun and add rap? Matt Hicks finds out.

And thus ends my rant on people who skite about their non-accomplishments and the many quotes they have collected, but do not live up to. You’re just annoying. Stop wearing

“Stop wearing other, more successful people’s thoughts as badges. It’s unoriginal and tiring, and I don’t believe they are serving you well.” tion, rather than work to achieve something tangible. It’s like researching your essay, but leaving the writing up till the day it’s due.

Throwing on your running shoes, but never leaving the front door. Dating someone for two and half years, but never actually committing. Thinking about doing stuff is risk-free and can idly consume your life. Keeping one foot on the ground keeps you from failure, but it also keeps you from greatness. I’m not saying everybody should be trying to cure cancer or build the world’s tallest skyscraper, but at least do something for you that you can be proud of. That waxwork of Beyoncé is a mess, but at least someone thought she deserved one. Because she’s fierce. You should be fierce.

EASTER CARNAGE

other, more successful people’s thoughts as badges. It’s unoriginal and tiring, and I don’t believe they are serving you well. You’re still sitting at your laptop watching cat videos, aren’t you? It does make me realize the kind of person I don’t want to be though, and for that, I thank you. Right, I’m off to make something of my time, so I can share my favourite quotes without coming off as an idle dickhead.

// Pg: 12

GREAT EASTER EGG HUNT The WSU has hidden a bunch of easter egg vouchers round campus. Redeem them all this week. // Pg: 15

COMIC An awkward Nexus Blind date. We are pretty sure that is how DaVinci intended it originally. // Pg: 16

For life, liberty, and the pursuit of actually doing shit.

Alix

ALICE & ANNE Alice and Anne talk the thin white Duke, Jareth the Goblin King, Ziggy Stardust etc.

WSU

3

NEWS

SPORTS THOUGHTS Peter Fulton - My Son, My Seed, Thy Resurrected.

TOP 5 Failed Comebacks Michael Schumacher What do you do when you are the world’s highest paid athlete and a tour de force in your sport? You take a couple of years off and then sign for a much shittier team. To be fair this is only a failure because he looked like he really wanted to achieve. Had he just sat back, put a 12’ sub in the back of the Mercedes and refused to do qualifying because he had nothing left to prove it would have been awesome.

Mike Tyson After several failed attempts to get back in the ring who would have thought the key to being successful again would be to pretend you owned a Tiger and knew who Phil Collins was.

I don’t even know the religious story behind Easter. As soon as it became apparent Santa didn’t exist, The Bible was going to have a tough time getting any traction.

Plus, I don’t think that two homosexuals wanting to get married is such a big deal, considering over one third of marriages end in divorce anyways. But it’s Easter motherfuckers, and that apparently means something about a resurrection...

English bowling attack around Eden Park in both innings to notch up two centuries!

That’s two scores of over one hundred runs.

With that, mediocre Peter Fulton is now our best batsman, our biggest hope for the return tour to England, and a depressing future thorn in our sides if his form continues. Because no matter how many runs he scores, Fulton is in the twilight of his career, and will be retiring at some stage - I hope.

IN PETER FULTON’S CAREER. The right handed batsman from Canterbury has

But for now, Fulton has returned from the dead. I was so jubilant and surprised at

“But its Easter motherfuckers, and that apparently means something about a resurrection...” recently made his comeback to the New Zealand Test side, a selection that worried me, and gave me many a sleepless night.

In essence, Fulton is a mediocre batsman, and at 34 years of age throwing yet another opening partnership in the mix for our national side seemed like a horrid idea. In two years he will retire, New Zealand will once again be looking for another opener, and the whole process will start once more.

his massive appearance of form and skill, I sat on Facebook all day and annoyed my friends with terrible MS Paint cut-andpastes of Peter Fulton’s head on a number of images, including a naked David touching God (nice - but no marriage to the gays!), and Fulton’s head among the greats on Mt Rushmore. Legit.

4

You know what isn’t endearing and heartwarming? A 40 year old taking cock shots with his cell and sending them to cheerleaders.

SBW Sure he might go on to win an NRL premiership but who cares. How did Sam Burgess shoulder taste Sonny?

Zac Guilford Give it time...

By C-Ball.

But while we wait for that to happen, Fulton is living it up. He scored a handy half century in the first test, which means fifty runs or more for the women, and then just in the third and final test played two rather magnificent innings, crunching the

Brett Favre

vs

Left

Left vs Right THIS WEEK’S TOPIC: Easter Trading.

To be honest, I don’t care if you believe in Jesus and God. 56.6% of the country identify themselves as Christian. Another 7.7% are undeclared. 1.3% are “other religions”.

Because any of these groups could believe in Jesus and God, that means more than 65% support the idea that Jesus died for your sins.

And before “New Zealand doesn’t have an official religion though”. No shit. But we do have a majority of people who are Christians, and ask my buddy John Key – that’s mandate my friends. And you know what mandate, means? It means I don’t care if you don’t like it, we’re going to do it and I’m going to give zero shits about how many signatures you get on a petition.

Yeah we have big Timmy MacinDough and the religious right’s dislike of gay marriage, but there’s no way out of it: Jesus loved everyone, and I think he’ll continue to love everyone even if small businesses decide times are tight during his weekend off.

Let’s face it, he hasn’t really faced us in this recession. 500 loaves of bread and how many fish? Cool Jesus, but what have you done for us lately?

I dream of a world where National doesn’t tell everyone to get jobs and then limits their hours because the Romans nailed a very special Jew in society. It’s not that I dislike Jesus, but NZ’s population isn’t the most Christian nation I’ve ever come across.

vs Oh fuck, someone might not be able to get bread and milk on a Friday. See this face?

This is a face that gives no shits. Buy it on Thursday then, dick. Or, you know, drink some water and eat some fruit instead.

Water alert level’s dropped so you’re not going to kill the entire city if you grab a glass of water, bro.

Let’s be honest, a guy gets nailed to a cross and you don’t even have the courtesy to take a couple days off your commercialistic lives to say thanks? That’s pretty fucking weak.

RIGHT

When Parliament, the most important institution in this country, starts for the day, what’s the first thing the Speaker does?

Asks “Almighty God” for the guidance to do the right thing. And when 56.6% of your country believe that someone was happy to be nailed to a fucking cross for your sins, I think it’s fair that everyone has two days to reflect on that and thank him for being that selfless.

Easter seems like a good theme for Easter.

Trading restrictions just make it harder for people to buy bread and fish; Jesus never intended this to happen. First we took his name in vain, now the government’s making us take his life’s work in vain as well.

When this National government busts out their ideology games on asset sales and education cuts, it’s time to stop bagging on religion’s function. What about manna?

What about Donovans? What about the children without an education AND easter eggs?

NEWS

5

NEWS

NOT NEWS

Nexus picks a Management School Dean Edition

Dear Nexus

To Whom It May Concern

Following our helpful Nexus Picks A Pope section the University Human Resources Management Team were so impressed they asked us to help search for candidates to fill the soon to be vacant Dean of Management position. We asked potential candidates to send some CVs in and we thought we would share some of the highlights of the cover letters with you now.

I have considered the role of Dean at Waikato Management School and I believe I am the person you are looking for. I have felt for a number of years that the Waikato region is in need of a new brighter vision and I think the same model can be applied here at the Waikato Management School.

Regarding WMS Vacancy.

Having devoted the last five years to taking the helm of an organisation with diminishing numbers and a bruised reputation I feel that I would be the perfect candidate to take on the role of Dean of WMS. All I would ask for in return is my own company car and a reasonable wardrobe.

These benefits were granted to me in my last job and I have come to really miss them in the last few weeks.

It wasn’t immediately clear in your advert but would I be required to change my name? Because I think it is beginning to get confusing.

Please find attached a copy of my CV in hand written gold-lettered calligraphy and an Latin to English Translation book.

Faithfully yours Pontiff Emeritus Benedict XVI

My plan for it would include a complete renovation of the exterior and gardens. It is my belief that simple aesthetics would greatly improve the place. Sure, in the interim this may significantly impact usability and the period it takes to complete these renovations might drive people to a smaller satellite school in the suburbs but, at the end of it all, we will have a stunning looking, if slightly underused management school.

I also have a plan to pay for it all. I’ll be the first to admit that closing the University Pool and only having the library open two days a week might be unpopular but really it’s just fixing the mess that was signed off by some other dean over a decade ago.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Her Worship The Mayor

RE: The Job you mentioned on the golf course Dear Uncle Jim Good roads, easy traffic route, college aged kids. Sounds like my dream job.

Let me know when I start.

David Bennett

My Plan For The WMS. I have done my due diligence and it appears that the numbers I have received are a bit inflated. But I’m a no-bullshit guy and I can turn it around like I did the Bank. You should have seen that place before I picked it up.

It seems to me that this isn’t about quality of resources but simply getting people through the doors and that’s what I do.

Let’s take the three or four most popular classes we have, make them cheap as shit and keep running them over and over again.

It’s not rocket science guys.

John Lawrenson The Lawrenson Group

6

NEWS

TO THE SENDER

And Now A Word From Our Censors...

Your only source for University gossip after it has been redacted to University standards of decency.

As if Uncle Roy didn’t have enough to worry about. It turns out the staff at fasafas asfasjf sfas safas decided to throw their own Easter Bash over the weekend.

Apparently the ring leader was sfaslfk asfas faslf who decided to dress up like a “Wascally Wabbit” and took the phrase “Egg Hunt” a little too literally as they moved from woman to woman using lines like: “Wanna chew on my carrot?” or the far more offensive asfas fasa faskj asflasj alsfjaskl lslafj aslfasljf lsafjaslfj aslfjasl lasfjasl and flsajkf lasfjasl?”

It seems though some of the more amorous staff were up for fun and after several afsfjas aslfjkasl they engaged in some activities that would even make some F.A.S.S lecturers blush. Technically it wasn’t an asflasskf because no one could find a goat.

Perhaps though someone should have checked with Mark Thompson before using that particular green space. He isn’t happy because between the water shortage and the unavailability of a priestwho can practice voodoo to that high a level he will never be able to remove the asfas fasjfas ksfjakj asklfas skafjask salfas; or the smell.

We have each received an email confirming that our job applications have been received. To the best of our recollection we can not remember applying for the job in question. Any phone calls or email correspondence you may have received to the contrary are purely coincidental. Please shred any and all records. We have large staffs and can’t be expected to remember things we have said and or done at any point.

Really, really, sincerely Prime Minister John Key, Leader of the opposition David Shearer, and John Banks (currently within the margin of error but a lover of all things Epsom related)

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It’s like going up to Jackie Onassis (Kennedy) wearing a rifle pendant We’re still thinking of John.”

Bill Hicks

The news will be particularly depressing to asff--fadasdass fsdadasasf who was considering renting the land to farmers for grazing. Apparently recent interactions with sfafas asfa sfaas fasf have given him a new appreciation of the sort of money you can make putting someone out to pasture.

trivial facts Sharks are the only fish that have eyelids.

The word “witch” comes from the Old English wicce, meaning “wise woman.”

Witches allegedly hold one of their sabbaths on Halloween night.

The ancient Greeks believed that redheads would turn into vampires after they died.

Americans buy nearly $2 billion in Easter candy, including 90 million chocolate bunnies, 16 billion jellybeans, and 700 million Peeps.

Cats make about 100 different sounds. Dogs make only about 10.

The word “hurricane” comes from Hurican, a name for the god of evil on some islands in the Caribbean.

The name Easter owes its origin from Eastre, the Anglo-Saxon goddess who symbolizes hare and egg.

In a lifetime, the kidneys clean more than 1 million gallons of water, enough to fill a small lake.

Each year witnesses the making of nearly 90 million chocolate bunnies.

Though the word “hippopotamus” means “river horse,” a hippo is actually more closely related to the pig than the horse.

When it comes to eating of chocolate bunnies, the ears are preferred to be eaten first by as many as 76% of people.

Because the surface of the moon has no wind or water, an astronaut’s footprint could last for millions of years.

The custom of giving eggs at Easter time has been traced back to Egyptians, Persians, Gauls, Greeks and Romans, to whom the egg was a symbol of life.

Wolves have about 200 million scent cells.

Humans have only about 5 million.

The customary act of painting eggs is known as Pysanka.

7

FEATURE

Nexus Reimagines the Story of Easter:

The Greatest Carnage Column Never Told 8

FEATURE

So I had been working pretty hard last week. It was Palm Sunday which may not sound like a huge deal but it is one of the big holidays here. All of a sudden my dad says to me “Hey JC, why don’t you have the weekend off?”

a conversation at. We were all just chilling, joking around, Luke and Paul kept hitting on the waitresses but nothing to over the top. We had a few drinks. It was BYO and we had shown up with gallons of water so the lads were getting a bit drunk.

Now maybe I’m a bit of a sceptic, but it all seemed a little too good to be true. I guess to understand why you need to know a bit more about my father. I love my dad and all, in many ways I have grown up to be exactly like him, but he is big on work ethic. The kind of guy who says “I don’t care if you make nothing as long as you can feel good about yourself at the end of the day.” Yet for a guy like that, it seems that all his focus was on work.

The only one who didn’t look like he was enjoying himself was Judas Iscariot. Now those guys from Galilee had always had a reputation for being a bit of a whiney bunch but Judas had been a solid guy to travel with. He never used anyone’s tooth brush, he did the dishes when it was his turn on the roster, to be fair he was pretty solid guy. Then out of nowhere he just comes up to me in tears and keeps apologising. I thought he was a bit of a drama queen but I was like hey man it’s cool, do what you have to do, then out of nowhere he kissed me. I think he just misread the signals a little and was a little embarrassed because he took off shortly after.

When I was nine he took me aside and told me that one day, if I worked hard enough, I was going to inherit the entire business and that my sacrifices would benefit the entire mankind (which I thought was a little hyperbolic at the time but you have to understand that my dad has always been one for the grand gestures, Burning bushes? He loves that shit.)

Fast forward 21 years and he wants me to move into the ‘family business.’ “Carpentry was fun and all but I have a much bigger plan for you.” Apparently that plan was to be a bit of a nomad moving from town to town .

For the most part it was just motivational speeches, synagogues, conference centres, that sort of thing and, to be honest, I loved it.

The pay wasn’t great but my dad had a saying about “What belongs to Caesar.” I was living the good life and Dad even let me expand the business and hire some lads. The 13 of us on the road were some of the best times I ever had laughing, joking, talking to people about their problems and just helping out where we could.

Anyway, from the moment Judas took off the night started to get crazy. At one point were hanging out in the garden and Peter wouldn’t stop talking about his cock and I was just trying to chill out in the Garden of Gethsemane and have a chat with dad about what the plan was for the rest of the weekend.

All of a sudden these Romans show up and start getting in our faces.

It was like that scene in star wars where ben and luke meet ha I think John and James may have been making fun of their hats. It seemed funny at the time but then they started getting angry. All of a sudden Peter lunges at one and cuts off his ear. All I could hear was Bartholomew yelling “Damn, shit just got real.”

I wasn’t looking for a fight but it was a little too late for that as they carted me off downtown. It wasn’t even like were breaking the liquor ban. What did my mates do you ask? Gapped it.

Those three years were so good that it didn’t even phase me when dad asked me to do some of the more specialised jobs. It was mainly just stuff a local GP could do, if a local GP had been invented yet. Cure the sick, resurrect the dead, hang out with some lepers, you know just your typical job. I even worked a gig one night in a wine bar. It went so well the drinks were flowing like water.

I’ll admit the next couple of days weren’t my finest. I met some fat Caligula looking dude who kept washing his hands like he was some germaphobe, I lost a popularity contest to a murderer and they made me walk through town with a tree stuck to my back. Which was rough but nowhere near as rough as Mel Gibson makes it look. He’s always been a bit anti-sematic.

The only real stressful show we had was this one time we were doing a private Island speaking engagement just outside of Bethesda. The speech went well but it turns out they had only catered for two of us and 5,000 people showed up hungry. It was like what I imagine Woodstock will be. So I said the Matthew and Luke Hey grab me those five loaves of bread and those two fish, I have a plan…. Anyway I seem to be getting off topic a bit where was I?

At the end of it all they nailed me to that piece of wood like real jerks, but hey I am in the forgiveness business so each to their own. Quick three day drip to see dad and then I woke up in some cave. What a hell of a night. I keep promising my friends I will come back and do it again sometime but that was a big one for me. Do I have any regrets? Nah… It’s like I always say Y.O.L.E…. You only live eternally.

Right, dad gives me the weekend off and he was all like take your friends out. So we go to the restaurant he had suggested and they sat us all at one really long table which it turns out is really difficult to have

9

entertainment & reviews

Local artist

gig guide There is no gig guide. Nothing is happening in Hamilton. Y’all can go home now. April Fools! Also what, it’s April already? Seems like yesterday when we were guiding you all to O’ Week and now look at you. *tear

Matt Hicks has a chat with two of New Zealand’s finest young musical talents Leroy Clampitt (The Good Fun/ Bangalade$h) and rapper Loui the ZU. The dudes have teamed up together to create Why S.L.. Here is our chin wag with the lads about their exciting new collaboration.

We hear you guys love Robbie Williams?

Please explain why?

ZU: Who told you this?

Leroy: The first album I own was Robbie Williams Sing When You’re Winning. It was a Christmas gift from my mother when I was about 7. I would lay down by the stereo with the lyric booklet and sing through the whole album when I was bored. My aunties used to hassle me about it they would say ‘You should listen to Creed’. I wonder where I’d be now if I had taken their advice?

Leroy: The production for one of the songs ‘Out Of This World’ was collaboration of ideas from The Wylds Brandon Black and Loui the ZU. Amelia Murray features twice during the EP, first as my back up diva (singer) in our cover of ‘Better Man’ (Robbie Williams), secondly as the co-writer and featured artist on the EP’s bonus track. Kam Chadderton of BANGLADE$H plays drums on the bonus track also.

Wednesday 3rd Skint House Bar, 6-9 pm Have you tried the bacon, mushroom, and pesto pizza yet? Well you should, because it’s $5 with your student ID! 2 for 1 Cocktails Grand Central Hotel, 5-10 pm Be a GC and shout a GC cocktail!

Thursday 4th

Any standout tracks on the EP you think we really gotta listen out for?

Leroy: ‘I’ve Changed My Mind’ is probably the most experimental work. It makes some interesting points lyrically and through the production. It’s also the first jazz ballad I’ve written, though it’s not performed in a jazz style on the EP. ZU: Man, all of the songs are really interesting. It’s really cool because Leroy and I bring two opposite tastes of music and we make this Avant Garde flavoured milkshake of sound. Woah.

Yeah ‘Out Of This World’, ‘Burning Skies’, ‘Lonely Bed’, ‘Rain or Snow’ and ‘Better Man’ are must listens!

Villainy Gravity Bar, 8pm These guys opened for Incubus (!!!) last year.

Not to be missed!

ARIES

taurus

gemini

(21 mar - 20 apr)

(21 apr - 21 may)

(22 may - 21 june)

Mars tries to align with Jupiter but Jupiter is all “I don’t see a ring on this finger.” Stay away from relationships.

Beware of people carrying knives, not so much a horoscope, more common sense really.

Aim high. If you fail to meet expectations, you can always go back to focusing on research and agri-business.

libra

scorpio

sagittarius

(24 sep - 23 oct)

(24 oct - 22 nov)

(23 nov - 21 dec)

There is an Easter Egg voucher hidden in a tree somewhere, but we aren’t encouraging you to climb or shake them.

I know this isn’t the place but if you aren’t returning my calls, how can I get my iPod back. We are broken up for real this time.

Has anyone seen my keys? If found, please return to LJ at the WSU. Sweet as.

How did Leroy Clampitt and Loui the ZU first meet and start making music together?

Leroy: I was playing Bass for an artist called Massad and we were on a gig which included a performance from ‘ZU’ (pre “Loui the”) ZU: Yep! The name Why S.L is quite unique. Any story behind it?

ZU: Not really, we just took YSL and changed the spelling.

Who helped out in the making of the EP? Any other producers or musicians?

Room Service w/ DJ Kaon Grand Central Hotel Can’t get enough of their cocktails? Must be your lucky day!

Saturday 6th Spawnbreezie 1 Show Only!

Altitude, Pre-sales $25+bf Reggae lovers unite!

HOROSCOPES

10

08 entertainment & reviews

COOL VS NOT COOL

eight ball

tHREE THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME RIGHT NOW AND THREE THINGS THAT AREN’T SO MUCH. COOL Mid-Semester Break.

So close, yet so far away...

Welcome to the 8 ball. In the depths of my gooey black ass I will answer the secrets OF THE universe. You may not like MY answerS but lets be honest who else is going to tell you the truth, ugly.

Is the Easter Bunny real?

Yes. Life is just a really weird version of Donny Darko.

Successfully avoiding the pamphlet/bible man.

Way too much awkwardness for my liking.

Should I save my eggs?

That question is very ambiguous, you don’t even want to know where I was going to go with that. I assume you mean Easter eggs?

Caffeine.

What would we do without you?

NOT COOL Assignment Deadlines.

How did they manage to creep up on me again...

Would the Easter Bunny beat Santa in a bar brawl?

Magic 8 Ball had to consult outside sources on this one. What my secret helpers divulged was that Santa’s ass is too big to dodge the speed of an Easter Bunny kick jump. I, on the other hand, think Santa is hiding secret Santa magic in his fat rolls.

Should I get a tattoo?

If you were in any other city, I would say yes. However, you’re in Hamilton. Tattoos on anyone in H-town denote one of two things stripper or bogan. If you’re a really fortunate individual that bares the inked up green scars of pain you may just be one of the chosen few I like to call Stripogans. That’s a stipper-bogan fusion for those that are a little challenged.

Will someone buy me an Easter Egg? No. No-one will buy you an Easter egg. You know what they should buy you? A gym membership #YouJustGotOwned.

People smoking right outside L Block doors.

Come on. Don’t be a douchebag.

Should I do my post-grad next year?

Why, because you’re scared of the real world? Oh wait sorry “I just love learning at university with all the great resources” - said no-one ever. Or maybe, “Jobs are just so hard to find in this economic climate” - that’s why Australia exists. #truthtea If I think happy thoughts, can I fly?

Tell that to my two broken legs.

Thinking of that perfect comeback ...afterwards.

Damn it brain, work faster!

I graduate from teachers college in three years. Will Novopay be fixed by then?

All signs point to “The Ministry of Education can suck a bag of dicks.”

cancer

leo

virgo

(22 june - 23 july)

(24 july - 23 aug)

(24 aug - 23 sep)

Focus. Those people who think you are weird and socially awkward are going to feel differently when they meet the version of them you have managed to clone from the hair you have collected while they slept.

It’s time to feel empowered, to dance, to sing, like you are someone in their early twentys.

It’s just a shame the Edge doesn’t play anything like that on high rotation (This horoscope brought to you by 97.8 The Edge, Hamilton’s 24 /7 home of Taylor Swift).

Enjoy yourself. Celebrate Easter the way Jesus did, go out and get nailed on Friday and wake up in a strange hole on Monday.

capricorn

aquarius

pisces

(22 dec - 20 jan)

(21 jan - 19 feb)

(20 feb - 20 mar)

Be optimistic.. things could be worse. A guy got beaten, arrested, nailed to a cross and you know what he called that? A good Friday. You could learn a thing or two from him.

Seriously, you are on campus for three days this week, don’t you have better thing to do than read horoscopes?

Smile to the point that it becomes a little creepy, no one ever calls on that guy during tutorials.

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Feature

2nd annual wsu & nexus

great easter egg hunt 12

feature

LJ , Pene and Kahyt have been busy hiding Easter eggs all around the campus, well they have been hiding vouchers for Easter eggs.

Here are a few clues as to where the major ones are but if you happen to see a WSU Easter Voucher then grab it and swing by Level Zero to swap it for an egg.

1.

Like “Where The Wild Things” the thing you seek you will find in the Forrest The 2B Forrest to be precise.

2.

Sometimes the difference between Management students and the rest of us is a mas sive. Why not cross to the other side and see how the other half live.

3.

The home of the BAR 101 Pool Party during ORI 2013

4.

The Halls of power, the keepers of the hive mind. The place the Vice-Chancellor hangs out when he is not touring with his famed air guitar trio Irish Roy and the Rockets

5.

Come meet the new WSU Receptionist.

6.

If your hearing Bob Marley and seeing people play table tennis then you need to turn around and go out to the courtyard. We have left a few egg vouchers near the courtyard.

7.

Checked out the new WSU noticeboards, look at them again?

8.

A coffee supplier on campus. Go up to them and say the following words “You do the best coffee on campus now give me an Easter egg.” It may well work.

9.

Somewhere in the mystery location that Nexus gets designed is a piece of string. Look for it.

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Lifestyle

Mr Minty Fish More wisdom from Mr Minty Fish #hugtomanycats

Slut DJ Green, eggs and Ham-ilton.

angry enough to crucify me.

“What do you want” he commanded.

I told him I was looking for a fifty-bag and in true Hamilton fashion, he handed me a bag smaller than any bag I’d bought before.

As I was half-drunk and half his size I decided to not question his business ethic and instead take the grass and retreat to the car full of scrawny white folk.

Around the time my female friends started saying “Chocolate goes straight to my hips” and refusing to eat chocolate eggs I found that Easter had taken a turn for the worse.

Friends had disregarded the celebration of the resurrection and hot cross buns, taking the holiday to mean “lets-hang-out-with-our-girlfriends-and-goaway-for-the-weekend-by-ourselves”. This horrible revelation was shared by many of the unattached members of our group, leading to the invention of the infamous “no-pike night”.

I spent the drive home hitting on my single stoner friend.

Back at the house, dinner was ready but we decided to sample the produce before inhaling dinner.

Single Stoner and I went behind the house and lit up a pipe. She took the first hit and I quickly did the second.

Instantly I felt sick.

This would be a single night of the year where there would be no excuse not to go out, a night before a Christian holiday where all the clubs close at midnight.

My stomach twisted like that of an anorexic thinking of confectionary.

It just so happened that the day before Good Friday became a bad Thursday.

It was fucking flyspray weed.

So, as a group we decided to have a potluck BBQ on the Thursday, as that is the sort of horrible forced interaction that is part of “growing up” - for more horrible stories of aging, see: Women complaining about chocolate.

Once the guests arrived at the house, one of the single-still-eats-chocolate-girls decided that we were missing a vital component of any mature dinner – a healthy bag of weed.

So, we set out in search of greener pastures, testing our luck at a tinny house in Five Cross Roads.

There I was greeted by a beast of a man, covered in tattoos, wearing red and looking 14

FAAAAAAARK ME Nexus. What do you want.

Literally what do you want from me. I’m not going to give it to you; because I’m a cunt; but I would at least like to know what it is.

Even if it’s just for scientific purposes.

First of all, if you think I swear too much, fuck you. Furthermore, citing the argument that swearing is a sign of low intelligence, is a sign of low intelligence. I’m fucking intelligent n’shit. Caaaaaant.

Secondly, I’m wise. I’ve got wisdom for days. Wisdom is like a beard and my whole life is Movember... Whatever the fuck that means. I’m actually pretty embarrassed that I said that tbh. Anyway, basically if you have genuine problems, I could probably help you sort them. I love being asked what breed of turtle is best if you don’t want them to hump things but quite frankly I know more about what it feels like to have a circumcised dick on my head than the turtle with the lowest sex rate. Maybe get a turtle from Huntly. Noone wants to ‘hump’ something from Huntly #sorrynotsorry

Flyspray weed.

My knees gave out and I fell on to my hands, power spewing in front of the girl I had spent the last 30 minutes hitting on.

She followed suite, doubling the mess in only a few seconds.

When she managed to compose herself she quickly left leaving me to spend the next hour hosing down the back of the house while everyone else celebrated no-pike night.

And all I could do was try and not think about the BBQ, weed or those damn chocolate Easter eggs.

Thirdly, I don’t think I’m hip enough to be your friend anymore. Everything I love is mainstream. I love hip things too but apparently all of the Bieber adoration negates that.

Apparently. Actually no, scratch that. Biebs has been a twat lately. Ain’t nobody got tiiiime for that.

I don’t know what I’m saying I never know what I’m saying. That’s the simultaneous genius and anarchy of creative freedom. It’s that you can say anything; ‘anything’ also includes utter bullshit; aka, 90% of my yarns. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IM SAYING. It’s one thing to message me saying I should be more creative. Ryan. Dick. But it’s a-wholenother genital to then give me zero ideas as to where you want me to go; again; not saying I would necessarily take you there.

Email me up like how you used to give ‘luv’ to

lifestyle

your ‘other half’ on Bebo. mmf@nexusmag.co.nz

But real

That I distain

Now

My life is a joke My tragedy and curse Written for all In clumsy free verse

@mrmintyfish I adore majority of your faces.

Mmf.xx P.S. send me anything. EVERYTHIN is anonymous. Even if you don’t want it to be because #yolo #fomo #hushtugs #ermergerd #ewshessobasiccauseshehashtags #basicbitches #dumbledoresarmy #dumbledoresleggy #punny #canthugeverycat

Poetry Corner

I can touch it Feel it around me Watching me Mocking me The Grim Reaper Stoically sits Allowing me freedom But not life I have lost apathy And ignorance I have lost my friend And myself

Advice from A drunk

Losing Me

I see life Through the bottom of a glass Where new friends are made As old friends pass

No longer can I speak of death With the indifference of youth It isn’t intangible

Where drinking binges Numb the pain Of the repetitive life

I drink to forget I drink all the time I can’t stop myself I’m stuck in this rhyme So forget what I said Take only this The life of a drunk Is temporary bliss I’ll die at this bar Someone will take my chair And in a world full of drunks You’ll forget I was here So get me a drink Hell make it a double Let me collapse at this stool And forget all my trouble

Submit your poetry to editor@nexusmag. co.nz

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ALICE & A Lifestyle

Alice & Anne

By ALICE & ANNE

Alice and Anne talk about Bowie.

“Who’s that David Bowie chick? She’s buzzy as,” asks James, Vodafone’s latest attempt at making their brand hip and cool. In case your parents weren’t kind enough to include Mr. Bowie in your musical education while growing up, it’s important to realise he is not only one of the most important musical acts of all time, but also a fashion icon. His alter ego Ziggy Stardust earned him a place in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and cemented the status of androgyny as a fashion identity.

Androgyny is the combination of both male and female characteristics – Agyness Deyn and Annie Lennox are good examples of women with androgynous styles. In the 1920s, the dropped-waist dresses and boyish bobs of the flappers were considered very androgynous for the times. Androgyny can be the expression of gender identity, sexual identity or simply personal style. Despite the fact we live in the 21st Century, there were still only ‘male’ and ‘female’ gender options on the 2013 New Zealand census. This proves that no matter how far we’ve come, anything that is not binary gender identity can still attract attention.

Trend Spotting

By ALICE AND ANNE

Campus Trends

British Pride

rhinestones put him out of the running for most masculine rock star of the 1960s and even Jimi Hendrix wore women’s shirts and high heels. They were among a list of prominent male musicians who made it acceptable to embrace their more feminine physical qualities.

Fast forward 50 years, and androgyny is still an important part of fashion. Designers like Helmut Lang and Yves Saint Laurent have become known for androgynous collections – with Alexander McQueen’s 2013 resort collection referencing David Bowie very strongly (just google ‘galactic androgynous pantsuits’).

Androgynous looks are also prevalent in modern Asian culture, particularly in K-pop and J-pop. Ren from the South Korean boy band NU’EST, is an example of androgyny in K-pop.

David Bowie’s released a new album this year, and his love of androgyny can be seen in his video for The Stars (Are Out Tonight). Tilda Swinton (another prominent androgynous style icon) plays his wife and the video features heavy use of fashion from designers like Alexander McQueen and Yves Saint Laurent.

Hopefully this will introduce not only Bowie to a whole new generation, but also awareness of gender-neutral identity.

SLIGHTLY STONED While Ziggy Stardust was certainly the most responsible for rocking the boat, there were others in his era that also contributed to androgyny’s acceptance in the fashion world. Mick Jagger’s long hair, make-up &

SLIGHTLY STONED CHEF Egg Pita Pizzas 16

Stay beautiful, Alice & Anne

To make pita pizzas, grab a pita, some tomato paste, some grated cheese, whatever you would like on your pizza and an egg.

Show your national pride with printed leggings. You might not be in the motherland any more, but you can still show your alliance to the Queen.

Spread the tomato paste on the base of the pita then all your toppings on top.

lifestyle

Arts Matthew Brown I’m doing post grad level ecology, but when I’ve got a little spare time I like to draw and paint. Some of my stuff is digital, some of it’s traditional, and some of it’s a fusion of the two. I don’t really have a style, I’m always trying new things, but I’ve always liked monsters and the weird.

Crack your egg on top of the pizza.

Bake in a 200 degree oven until cheese is melted and egg is cooked.

Enjoy.

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