Nexus Issue 10, 2013

ISSUE 10, VOLUME 45

13 MAY 2013

Nexus checks out some strip clubs Which Faculty is the best find out in X-Faculty May Madness Edition And @HonestMatt sits down with Vegas Brown to talk NZ Music Month

winter is coming.

EUROPE BANGKOK

969 RETURN FROM $ 1059 LOS ANGELES RETURN FROM $1399 RETURN FROM $ EUROPE 1749 RETURN FROM $ LONDON 1899 ROUND THE WORLD FROM $1999 ONE WAY FROM $

SAVE UP TO 30% OFF

TOURS WORLDWIDE PLUS DEALS ON BEACH PACKAGES, WORKING HOLIDAYS, VOLUNTEERING

AND MORE!

HURRY, SALE ENDS 29 MAY Terms and conditions apply, ask in -store for details.

START THE ADVENTURE

COME AND SEE THE TEAM AT STA TRAVEL TODAY! Gate 1, Knighton Road, University of Waikato P 07 856 1300 E waikatouni@statravel.co.nz

elcom sue Te

contents

Editorial Team Editor Alix Higby editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Deputy Editors Louise Hutt & Jess Edmonds-Saunders louise@nexusmag.co.nz jess@nexusmag.co.nz News Editor zanian steele news@nexusmag.co.nz Online Editor Alix Higby online@nexusmag.co.nz

Graphic Designer Haylie Gray design@nexusmag.co.nz

Managing Editor James Raffan james@nexusmag.co.nz

Advertising Advertising Manager Tony Arkell ads@nexusmag.co.nz

Contributors C-Ball, Kathlene Cook, Daniel Petersen, Matt Hicks, Morgahna Godwin, HP, Danyell Summers, Dr Richard Swainson, Dr Burton C Bogan, Jess Molina, Jess Tuakeu, Caitlin Ashworth, Kelsey Weld, Kylie Zinsli, Gil Denny, Amber, Nathan Sweetman, Khrissie Rhodes, Ali Brady, Declan Spooner-Knight, Ashley Carmicheal, Kelly Brock, Lauren Barnard, Marianne Coleman and Aaron Letcher

Print Fusion Print Nexus Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily the views of Nexus magazine, the WSU, Printers, the editor or any of our advertisers.

Ground Floor, Student Union Building Gate One, University of Waikato Knighton Road, Hamilton online nexusmag.co.nz facebook.com/nexusmagNZ @waikatostudents

issue 10 / VOLUME 45 / 13 MAY / 2013 News

[3] News.

[5] University news.

[6] Sports thoughts.

[7] Left vs Right.

[8] Not News.

Opinion

[10] Third Degree + Guest Rant [11] Random Profile Top 10.

[12] Lettuce to the Editor.

Entertainment and Reviews [14] Film, Gig & CafĂŠ review.

Horoscopes [15] Book, Comic & Album review.

Horoscopes [16] @Honest_Matt Meets...

Gig Guide.

[17] Eight Ball.

Cool vs Not Cool.

[18] Puzzles [19] An Evening wiyth Vegas Brown [20] Feature - Strip Club Review [22] Feature - The Great Waikato Winter [24] Feature - X - Faculty

Lifestyle

[26] Autuer + Boganology [27] 50 Shades of Gay + Auditor + Diary of a Signle Girl [28] Google This + Living on the Cheap [29] Mr Minty Fish + Crime Map [30] Little Beer Corner + From the Vault [32] Alice & Anne [33] Arts + Slightly Stoned Chef

WSU

[34] President’s Column.

Veeps.

[36] Ask Amber + Citizens Advice Bureau + YWRC [37] Was This You?

1

Editorial

Editorial

Highlight Reel

By Alix Higby

this week in nexus // Pg: 22

It was the Georgie Pie playground, 1997; I was about six, hovering beneath the monkey bars like the weird kid who doesn’t know how to make friends. I watched a girl, who seemed so adult-like at 10 or 11, swing across the platforms with a vice grip of black painted nails. I followed her, again like a weird socially awkward kid, and peeked suspiciously at her fingers. Black. Happily painted black. I checked this fact several times, just to be sure, but it hung in my head like a crooked picture frame.

Why would you paint your nails black? Black is most definitely not pink. It’s black. It is the crayon nobody uses. My six-year-old thought process was suffering from a paper jam.

“Look how pretty your fingers are!” my aun-

another), the girl with the black fingernails was resurrected. I’d sat in a faux leather booth watching men physically disrespect women they didn’t know and I wondered where their balls came from. Who told them it was okay to compartmentalise females into categories where the rules of engagement differed? You can’t grope or harangue a lady on the street, but you can try your luck in a strip club (you are ill-advised to do so, the bouncers are pretty meaty). Society, the sly dog. That’s where we derive these concepts. I recalled my younger self’s utter confusion and disgust at an individual challenging her preconceived notion of femininity, and I guess that’s where it starts. We are conditioned as children to use the potty, brush our teeth, and to accept that

Winter Is Coming Survival is key and we show you how.

// Pg: 20

Strip Club Review What do our editorial team do with their evenings off? Hit up a few stip clubs that’s what.

“I became obsessed with this girl, this girl who clearly did not want to be pretty. The idea confused me...” ties would coo, applying a delicate coat of pastel to my fingertips. “Preeeetty”, again and again, this time with nail polish, other times with plastic jewellery or crowns. They’d brush my hair into French plaits and buckle my feet into polished shoes. “Pretty, pretty, pretty.”

I became obsessed with this girl, this girl who clearly did not want to be pretty. The idea confused me and I wished to confront her about her queer sartorial choices, but I feared she also knew karate. I never saw that girl again, yet I fixated on the existence of black fingernail paint for weeks - until I watched Sailor Moon finally become the Moon Princess she was destined to be, and I forgot all about it. It wasn’t until I flicked through a punk inspired Vogue as a teenager that I gave the idea another thought, where I simply concluded that my fingers were much too pale to carry the trend, and there it finally died.

Then last week, as we wrapped up a strip club review and McDonald’s announced the return of Georgie Pie (in some form or

2

pink is for girls, strip clubs are for harlots, and black is for butch lesbians.

I understand that strip clubs play to many stereotypes and conventional impressions of beauty that are not listed here. My point is, that whether a woman is dolled up in pink, black, or nude – she is probably still a decent human being and you cannot judge her, let alone treat her differently based on this flimsy fact. My older, wiser self, a self that owns several OPI shades of black, would like to apologise to the Georgie Pie girl. I was an ignorant six-year-old with a head full of cotton candy and anime pipe dreams. You rocked those shiny black nails, purely because you wanted to. You were the Gwen Stefani of the Georgie Pie playground. Those dodgy men who frequent strip clubs could also learn a thing or two here about how to treat others.

For you see, accurately reading other people’s self-expression and lifestyle choices isn’t so black or pink.

Alix

// Pg: 24

X-Faculty Which faculty is the best of the best (queue 80s karate kid music montage) // Pg: 03

News Censorship in Student Media and people calling the cops and for once it has nothing to do with us. // Pg: 06

Sports Thoughts Teamwork, Co-operation, Selflessness, and other things that are nowhere near F1 season.

NEWS

NEWS

A TALE OF TWO MAGAZINES Callum fought the Association.....and the law won “So this is how liberty dies...... with thunderous applause” Yeah that’s right we hate this story so much that you made us quote star wars Episode III, a film that is only good when compared to other original Star Wars films that decade.

Callum Fredric’s time as Editor of Otago University Student Magazine Critic may be coming to an end, according to the Otago Daily Times at least. On May 7th the ODT reported that Critic Editor Fredric had been escorted from the premises by the

police. They included a statement from Fredric saying that he still wanted to keep his job and a quote from a Detective Senior Sergeant saying that the police had removed a former employee so at this early stage we have no idea what the hell is going on. We did some interesting blog combing today and found a bunch of conjecture. We called everyone from OUSA President Fran to other magazine editors but everyone is keeping their mouth shut on this.

We are however big fans of Critic and we aren’t just saying that because we like “Failient” or because we “borrowed” their blind date concept. We also thought about borrowing their “Lecturer I’d Like To Fuck” erotica column but we threw up a little when we really thought about it.

Don’t be afraid of the fake gun, the censorship will probably kill you.

A few weeks ago our friends at Canta, Canterbury’s student magazine, got their hands smacked for publishing a letter. We won’t quote the letter verbatim but the

tone was generally over the top, hyperbolic and silly. The letter ended with the young person in question threatening to go into the library with a shotgun. After a complaint and a little bit of urging for the man to come forward to the police so that the nature of the threat could be assessed. The Vice Chancellor then suggested Canta may want to look at its own policy for letters.

In short, fuck that. Hannah and Joel are doing a great job and of course if they felt anything real may come of the threat they wouldn’t have published the letter. We get three letters a week that are indecent. Two weeks ago we published a letter by a man calling out North Korea and telling them to bring their “A-game”. We didn’t rush that off to the Ministry of Defence because we felt he could incite nuclear war.

At the end of the day you appoint Editors to edit. You rely on those Editors to know the difference between typical first year frustra-

tion and a threat. In this case as it happens they were right and it was just some kid echoing the sentiment that we hear every other day about Studylink or Winz.

Sometimes that judgement is wrong and they would be the first to fall on the sword, but until that happens perhaps it’s time we all took a breath and tried to calm the fuck down. Student magazines are supposed to be edgy. The letter was a real student expressing something in their own way. If you don’t like the way students communicate then that is a failing of the people that shape that voice: society; western culture; the Kardashians; and Geordie Shore; not the magazine that publishes that voice.

Also.... if he were serious about causing harm to a lot of people would he really have started in a library? In the South Island?

That’s like saying you’re going to punch vegetarians and starting your search at Burger King. I’m not saying they have never read a book in Canterbury just that they probably don’t read much. There was a reason Lee Harvey Oswald was left uninterrupted in a book tower in Texas.

3

NEWS

Free Comic Book Innes48 Business Start-up Competition Day bridges gen- winners have global ambitions. erational gap

By Sharn Roberts for waikatoindependant.co.nz

By Matthew Robinson for waikatoindependant.co.nz

Hamilton’s Mark One on Victoria Street held its annual Free Comic Book Day on Saturday, attracting young and not-soyoung fans.

Glen Harrick, 37, brought his son, Patrick aged 10, and two daughters, Sasha and Casey aged 7 and 9, along for the fourth year and thinks comics are a great way to get his kids reading.

“My son who’s 10 likes comics but the girls will have anything that’s free.”

Mark One set up three tables, one for each

“Free Comic Book Day is an international event that occurs every first Saturday in May.” for children, teen and mature comics.

Patrick Harrick, aged 10, has been a comic book fan for three years and is a big Marvel fan.

“I like reading and super heroes and stuff.”

This year’s Free Comic Book Day was Sam Kipfer’s first despite being a long term comic book fan.

“I’ve been a comic book fan since I could walk,” he said showing off his three free comic books of Batman, Avengers and Judge Dread.

Free Comic Book Day is an international event that occurs every first Saturday in May. Visitors choose any three comic books from a pre-selected range.

This year is also Mark One’s 24th birthday and to celebrate the store had a 24% off everything sale.

4

After working tirelessly for 48 hours on their business model, Team Light Bulb was announced the winner of the Innes48 Business Start-up Competition held in Hamilton over the weekend.

The team of five developed Spring, an innovative business solution that offers an efficient, user-friendly, and affordable immigration application service.

Spring aims to improve the immigration advisory industry, which is often costly and can make it difficult for people to move around the world.

Scottish immigrant Michael Waston presented the initial concept to the group after recalling how hard the immigration process was when he moved to New Zealand five years ago.

Team member Tasch Garland said they surveyed a lot of people. “And a lot of them who had immigrated had paid what they thought were exorbitant fees and we could not see why.”

She said in their survey respondents were unhappy across the board with the service they received.

Eight out of the 12 competing teams were selected to pitch their business creation to a panel of business professionals and entrepreneurs in the packed Wintec Atrium.

The panel featured SODA chief executive Cheryl Reynolds, Angel Association vicechairman Marcel van den Assum, MEA Mobile director Gabriel Engel, and NetValue

chief executive Graham Gaylard.

Event Manager Rachel Wark said the success of the event has improved since it began last year, saying there were more sponsors, more spectators, and more money up for grabs.

“It is a testament to how far this competition has come in two years, and we can only go up from here,” she said.

Team Light Bulb received prizes to help launch their business, including $5000 cash, a three-month pre-incubation programme with SODA and Waikato Chamber of Commerce membership.

The winning team hope to develop their business and expand it into the international market.

Te Ranga Ngaku won the most innovative team prize, while Team Zappos took away the prize for best use of technology.

After the awards ceremony Team Empire NZ was offered a business start-up programme with SODA worth $15,000 for being close runner-up in the most viable business and best use of technology competition categories.

Last year’s most viable business was won Draw Inc, who created an art trust for artists to sell their work to businesses. They now hold regular exhibitions on Hamilton’s Alexandra Street.

Photo: Sharn Roberts

NEWS

UNI NEWS

INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS: WIN PRIZES This is your final chance to tell us what you think about your Waikato experience – and if you take part this week you could win an ASUS tablet!

The 2013 International Student Barometer is an online survey that takes 5 minutes to complete.

All eligible international students would have received an email with the survey link – make sure to check your inbox. For more information on the survey and prizes, visit www.waikato. ac.nz/students/international/barometer-survey or email student_survey@list.waikato.ac.nz

OPERATION DAIRY

FULBRIGHT OUTREACH TOUR

Synthetic Cannabis is not good for you. Its active component comes from substances sprayed onto plants and it can cause disorientation, lack of concentration, lethargy, paranoia, aggression and in some cases seizures.

The Minister of Health has begun banning certain Synthetic Cannabis chemical formulas.

Many dairies still sell Synthetic Cannabis, so beginning Tuesday 14 May, Police and the Waikato DHB are launching Operation Dairy to advise dairy owners of the harm Synthetic Cannabis causes.

Please support the dairies that endorse our campaign to stop synthetic cannabis being sold.

RHODES SCHOLARSHIP SEMINAR A seminar on the prestigious Rhodes Scholarship, for masters or doctoral study at the University of Oxford, will be held on Wednesday 22 May from 1–2pm in S.1.02.

If you are interested in studying, researching or teaching in the USA, come along to the Fulbright Award seminar, Wednesday 15 May from 1–2pm in S.1.02.

Fulbright Advisors will be there to discuss their exchange experiences with students and staff, and provide basic information about the Fulbright Awards.

For more information about Fulbright visit www.fulbright.org.nz

A former Rhodes Scholarship winner will be there to talk about the Scholarship and the Oxford experience, and to answer questions.

For more information contact Gwenda Pennington in the Scholarships Office at gwenda@waikato.ac.nz, or visit www.universitiesnz.ac.nz

SCHOLARSHIP DROP-IN SESSIONS Looking for advice on scholarships? The University of Waikato Scholarships Office is holding a series of scholarship drop-in sessions for all students and staff. The sessions will be held every Tuesday and Thursday from 12.30–2.30pm in the Student Centre, room 2.31 (next to the Student Administration desk).

5 A

NEWS

SPORTS THOUGHTS

Formula One’s Biggest Assholes

There is no douchebag in team but there are plenty of them in Formula one.

Aryton Senna

In sports the word teammate means so many different things. For instance if you are a Union or League player, it just means that you may be standing next to Sonny Bill Williams as he is getting paid by the minute to be mediocre. Unless of course you are a Cronulla Shark, then teammates mean the guys you do coke with and organise the occasional gang bang. In the Black Caps your teammates are the ones you share the

Sebastian Vettel and Australian, Mark Webber. To call these guys teammates actually makes the word devoid of all meaning.

They HATE each other. So much so that at the Malaysian Grand Prix when the pair were comfortably leading the race, they were ordered by their team to slow down and conserve the car’s tyres and engine, race leading Webber obliged and took his foot off the throttle only for Vettel to cut in

“On the podium Webber showed more restraint than any Australian ever has in not shit-kicking the German in the face.” lows and the really embarrassing lows with, and in Formula One the word teammate means absolutely nothing. Just ask Mark Webber.

For those of you who haven’t been watching Formula One this year you should tune in. It has been like Game of Thrones but without the tits or random violence. Ok so maybe you should stick with Game of Thrones, but Formula One is still half way decent. Mainly because I can’t think of a single one of them that isn’t a complete and utter cock.

Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton wouldn’t look out of place on Geordie Shore this season and they are driving like neither one actually gives a shit. Alonso and Massa are actually trying to take themselves seriously and most of the also-rans aren’t even worth remembering this year.

The focal point seems to be the German, 6

on the inside, take the lead and almost force them off the road. On the podium Webber showed more restraint than any Australian ever has in not shit-kicking the German in the face.

Formula One is not a team sport. It is for wealthy playboy children with tiny cocks who want to throw themselves around a track faster than anyone has. Put their foot down and a cut off anyone who gets in the way whether they are rivals or teammates. There is no thought of the team and doing the right thing for the constructors championship. It’s all about stroking your own ego… They may as well call it mastur-racing.

Ok. It isn’t great to speak ill of the dead but Senna admitted that on more than one occasion he would drive recklessly to the point where the opposition would have to make a decision, back off or put them both into a wall. Alain Prost didn’t back off and Senna didn’t care even laughing in a press conference.

Michael Schumacher Forget the part where Schu says he had such a lead that he thought about getting out of the car and having a cup of Tea. Michael Schumacher was one of the most arrogant men in all of sports with a legendary will to win.

At the end of the ‘94 season the equation was simple, if Hill finished ahead of Schumacher he would win the title from the German. So Schumacher put them both into a wall ensuring neither one got points and winning his first title.

Eddie Irvine More off the track than on. The northern Irishman was a pisshead of epic proportions when asked why Australians loved him he said the country was full of Irish convicts and after winning in Melbourne noted there were over 50 Irish bars in the city and he intended to drink at each of them.

vs

Left

Left vs Right THIS WEEK’S TOPIC:

Drill Baby Drill: Offshore oil platforms

NEWS

So, as it sounds the current government is attempting and so far failing to open up more of New Zealand’s fairly pristine coastal waters to international oil companies; despite companies like Brazilian petroleum giant Petrobras exploring near the Hawkes bay, and getting scared of the challenges posed by the terrain, the new tenders cover similar terrain too.

The current likely bidder for some of the new tenders, is Texan Oil giant Anadarko...

The same Anadarko who owned 25% share in the Deepwater Horizon Oil platform, in the Gulf of Mexico, that ended real swell, if I recall.

The huge and ongoing mess in the Gulf of Mexico is particularly relevant to us here, in that the plan is to drill significantly deeper, the pressures are far beyond what a human diver can cope with. We have no relief wells, no plans to get relief wells (closest ones are literally an ocean away), so if a disaster occurs we will be caught with our pants down, and remember how well prepared we were when the Rena crash occurred, a comparatively miniscule amount of oil.

But you’re probably thinking, what about the economy and jobs? New Zealand has among the lowest royalties from drilling in the world, very little will end up in the Government’s coffers. All the jobs provided

And all this is before we talk about the changes to our laws, that passed without public consultation, without the Attorney General checking a conflict with the Bill of Rights, to limit protest, with some very draconian penalties, at sea. Protest is fundamentally a piece of freedom of expression.

We have more oil, in more viable environments then the atmosphere can sustain; there is scientific consensus, despite what some fringe speakers may say on the village green.

So in short, we get no jobs, little royalties, and some big risks, that the planet can not afford. More oil is not the solution to our problems, it is the cause of many of them, and will cause some more. We need to be smart in how proceed with our future energy demands, you can not change an industry overnight. We need to start incrementally, but I guess you have to justify a few new motorways, of little significance, somehow.

Ronnie Collinson

RIGH

Since 1865, New Zealand has a history of producing oil and gas. Crude oil is now New Zealand’s fourth largest export commodity and is responsible for Taranaki’s low unemployment rate, high wages and salaries and ability to attract young people to the region. In 2010, it was estimated the New Zealand oil and gas industry directly employed 3730 people and further supported 3970 jobs in other parts of the economy (Venture Taranaki). According to GNS Science research, there is massive potential to discover new oil and gas reserves, creating further job opportunities and boosting the economy.

by drilling are skilled labour jobs, skills that New Zealanders haven’t trained for, and won’t have time to train for. The jobs will simply go to other people.

in further profits for business. These profits are likely to create more job opportunities through business development and improve the economy.

Currently most of New Zealand’s energy generation is from hydro power. When this is affected by low rainfall, gas-fired energy generation can fill the gap. Furthermore the oil and gas resource development ensures New Zealanders have access to secure and affordable energy in the future.

The products of oil and gas include domestic and international travel, goods transportation, fertiliser and chemical production and metal and construction material manufacturing.

“The oil and gas industry generates around $400 million in annual royalty and around $300 million in annual company tax revenue for the government” (Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment, 2012). Development of this industry further increases government funds, which can reduce debt and benefit society.

In January-March 2010, 28.7 petajoules of crude were produced, 78 petajoules imported and 61.6 petajoules consumed.

By increasing the productivity of crude oil importation costs can be reduced, resulting

“The Greens spend a lot of time, along with Labour, telling people why we shouldn’t do this, but with that logic applied we would never had developed the Maui gas field in New Zealand and we wouldn’t have the

billions of dollars we earn from Taranaki each year.” (John Key) Last time I looked there was no massive environmental issue in Taranaki.

Furthermore, world-class safety measures avoiding undesirable effects, combined with strong disaster management support, eliminate any environmentalist fears and concerns.

Since the offshore drilling industry creates jobs, profits, tax revenues, energy resources and therefore security for the New Zealand economy, and can be executed without jeopardizing the environment; it is a viable option for investment and should be pursued.

Paula McKenzie

7

NEWS

NOT NEWS Cunning Burglar?

Police have arrested a suspect they described as “a cunning young man” following a burglary in Dinsdale that included the theft of a 42 inch television. Apparently the young man was cunning because he used his fathers Taxi as a getaway car.

Apparently officers became suspicious of

Fashion Don’t!

Colin Darch, 75, was left with his timbers slightly shivered (I am sorry but we had to) after accepting an invitation to be a guest lecturer at the Southweast England chapter of the Womens Institute. When Mr Darch arrived he was confronted by a number of people in the lecture theatre dressed in full pirate costume with eye patches and parrots. The costumed band believed Mr Darch was there to give a lecture on the swashbuckling romance of piracy in the 16th century. As it turned Mr Darch was preparing to speak about the eight years he spent as a captive prisoner aboard a Somali pirate ship. The simple rule is don’t dress up because a pirate prisoner really doesn’t want to see pirates. That is like dressing up as a Nazi to go to an Anne Frank reading or pretending to be a decent and compassionate person at a Colin Craig rally.

“...officer’s suspicions were aroused because the young man drove the speed limit, indicated on and off a roundabout...” the taxi based on the way it was driving.

After several years of going to nightclubs we can only assume that the officer’s suspicions were aroused because the young man drove the speed limit, indicated on and off a roundabout and used his lights and horn respectfully. We wouldn’t call the young man ‘cunning’, but it does sound similar.

NOT NEWS BIRTHDAY WISH AND POLITICAL SLAM Nexus Not News would like to wish Student Job Search a belated Happy 30th Birthday.

For those of you new to Hamilton East 30 is a significant milestone for anyone as it marks the 8th anniversary of David Bennett no longer talking to you in a pub. We are glad to see that after almost two full terms of a National government SJS (like most New Zealanders) are still trying to find jobs.

8

Oh Johnny Boy The Cops, The Cops Are Calling.

John Banks was in court last week answering questions regarding the donations he had received from both Kim DotCom and Skycity in his failed bid for Super City Mayor. John was imploring people to trust him and he insisted he had no case to answer. While all of the that may actually prove true, and if guilty the Act leader would probably only be fined, it did allow us to ponder one question: Would Mr Banks be able to stay true to his as yet unshakeable belief in letting the free market decide if he were in fact being traded from inmate to inmate in exchange for cigarettes?

NEWS

NEIL FINN TWEETS MEME OF THE WEEK ABOUT #XFACTORNZ “Now I’m going to watch X factor NZ and tweet about it.”

“Does Stan Walker wear a buttoned up shirt because he is embarrassed about the writing on his neck?” “the best thing about Steamroller is that they didn’t take X Factor seriously.” “there are boys and girls and over 25’s and there are judges that nod and ones that grin, who will stay and who will go” “hey now , how now , yo, don’t dream its over, know what I’m talking ‘bout” “Fuck, you disappointed Stan, be very disappointed you guys, change your striped shirt next time.” “blond girl judge on right looks so serious and so qualified” “by the looks of it Stan has combined 2 of his best shirts for the show” “bad luck to those of you outside NZ who can’t watch this. It is TV gold .” “guy only sang 3 words, no wonder he’s going home” “lets consider what ads are on, what do x factor audience like, Cadbury chocolate, Countdown, Mazda cars, Dove soap, Warehouse, Colgate,” “the last guy guy only got to sing 3 words ....not fair” “where’s the ticking time bomb? has he gone home” “I’ve got one word for you Dominic B, wardrobe!”

“God its still going!” “over 25’s are people too!”

“Looks like next week will be X factor crossed with NZ’s top model ...I’ll be there.”

CLASSIFIED ADS

trivial facts

Man Seeking Woman Man seeks woman. Man seeks drinks. Man seeks 3 tonnes of hair gel, a better zoot suit and some of the better jamaican weed. If man does not get this then he will let his friend the Prime Minister know and you will be fired. For delivery address please contact Aaron.gilmore@national.org.nz

80’s pop singer Madonna’s last name is Ciccone.

President Seeks Editor Must have no desire to use official stationery for personal reasons or even laugh about it when others do. Duties include hiring a patient staff, making fun of Salient and a built in tolerance for cold weather and student politics. If this sounds like you please apply directly to president@ousa. org.nz p.s we are also looking for a sub editor so you stand a better chance of being the successful applicant if you are currently in a relationship Dictator Seeks Attention It’s been a week and no one has talked about me! What The Fuck Nexus? Don’t make me come over there on my horde of flying unicorns!

North Korea 4 Lyfe KJN Peace...actually not peace...

William Shatner (Captain Kirk) could not spread his fingers in the Vulcan greeting & had to have his fingers taped.

The average CD can hold 74 minutes’ worth of music.

In Alfred Hitchcock’s 1960 thriller Psycho the sound effects for the famous shower scene were created by repeatedly stabbing a casaba melon.

Mercury is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature.

Elephants are the only mammal physically unable to jump. This is because of their enormous weight.

By law, French workers get at least 30 paid vacation days each year.

Smokers are likely to die on average six and a half years earlier than non-smokers.

Mark Twain, Charles Dickens and Thomas Edison never graduated from high school.

9

oPINION

THIRD DEGREE GUEST RANT Questions 01_ If you had $500 where would you spend it, Casino or Strip

Club?

02_ Your flat is flooding. You can only save three things, what are they?

03_

If the world was ending, what would be your soundtrack?

Lee 32, Works at Uni.

01_

The lesser of two evils; the Casino.

02_

My computer, clothes, and wallet.

03_

Always look on the bright side of life - Monty Python

Kim 18, Cup Course

01_ Casino.

02_ My laptop, phone, and

An email landed in my inbox this morning, offering me the chance to rant about absolutely anything (in 300 words or less). Despite the temptation to kick off on a topic like reality TV, I have a much more obvious beef at the moment- the Government’s ridiculous policy on post graduate allowances.

You will have heard about National Party Minister Steven Joyce’s attempts to reduce spending on tertiary education by for instance, cutting access to student allowances for post grad students.

The Minister’s excuse that the 4,000 to 5,000 students who would lose access to the allowance would simply switch to a loan doesn’t stack up. The loan scheme simply isn’t enough to get by on for a lot of our grads who have an even more punishing schedule now than when they were eligible for extra support.

Steven Joyce finally conceded that his policy was having a potentially negative impact when he pointed out last week that “anecdotal evidence indicated that the number of students in post graduate study had fallen.”

While the Government argues the money and demand side of the argument, it seems to have ignored the contradiction of it all. Post graduate research is one of our greatest sources of innovation, and these moves only serve to severely limit that pipeline. This government talks big on innovation, but it’s not only failed to back that up, it has, and is, actively making the situation worse.

make up bag.

03_

(We stood there for 10 minutes and she could not possibly choose).

Halcyon 19, Cup Course

01_ Casino.

02_ Computer, my dog, and soccer shoes.

03_ Don’t you worry child Swedish House Mafia.

10

Labour MP Jacinda Arderntalks Post Grad Allowances.

You either believe that we all benefit from having more people in engaged in education at every level, or you don’t. You either believe that we should be working towards making education more accessible, or you don’t. You either believe in an innovation led economy where we try to hold onto our best and brightest, or you don’t… and your name is Steven Joyce.

Simply put: this policy must go. Rant over.

Jacinda Ardern

OPINION

RANDOM PROFILE

TOP TEN Top Ten Ridiculous & Real American Laws.

David Lumsden 10_

In Athens-Clarke County, Georgia, it is illegal to give away a goldfish to entice someone into a game of bingo.

Acting Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences

09_ It is illegal to dye a duckling blue What’s your role at the University of Waikato and how long have you held that position?

I am currently Acting Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences, and have been for nearly two years. The new Dean arrives on July 1st.

If you could have a signed copy of any novel, which one would you choose?

A Suitable Boy, by Vikram Seth, mainly because (a) it is a favourite novel of mine and (b) he is alive to sign it now (and I am ignoring the financial value of a signed copy of novel by a very famous author who is long dead, eg Charles Dickens).

What was your first job and can you describe it in three words?

Extra worker for Christmas Post Delivery: pedal very hard.

Hotmail or Gmail?

Gmail (maybe not very hot).

If you were a pin up girl, which month would you choose?

June (she’ll change her tune).

Do you have a packed lunch, or buy it on campus?

Packed lunch usually, but other wise the Namaste Kitchen.

If you had to wear only jandals or only gumboots for a whole year, which would you choose?

On balance, I think the jandals, for the better ventilation.

Do you drive, bike or catch public transport to get to uni?

Alas, I drive as I live in Ngaruawahia. (The Hamilton-Huntly bus is good, but connections with buses to uni are not.)

dinner, what would you cook for us?

Spanakopita (spinach and feta cheese pie in filo pastry). There are lots of recipes but I just use an old one from a filo pastry packet. You can use silverbeet, but generally I do prefer spinach.

Left handed or right handed?

Right handed.

Who would win in a fight, Iron Man or Batman?

Batman (bet on the horse you know).

What three websites do you check everyday?

I don’t believe there are three regulars, although work tasks take me to forgettable places such as annual leave approval, payment card approval etc. I do use facebook though not on a daily basis. NZ White Pages is pretty exciting.

Maybe I should get out more. Youtube of course contains many delights, including old musical performances going back decades.

Which of the Seven Dwarves would you most like to go drinking with? (Happy, Doc, Sneezy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Bashful, Dopey) Happy, obviously. Sneezy appears to be indulging in something else.

If you could travel to any time or place, where would you go and why?

I think I would go to a familiar place (Hamilton?), in the future (50 years?), so I could enjoy enjoy essentially a new place, hopefully with futuristic attractions, but where I have an understanding of its history. This requires a degree of optimism with respect to climate change and political stability, but I’ll take a punt on that for 50 years.

and try to sell it unless there are six of them in Kentucky.

08_ In Juneau, Alaska it is illegal for flamingo owners to take their pets into barber shops.

07_ Cutting down a cactus in Arizona carries a possible prison sentence of 25 years.

06_ Hitting a vending machine which has stolen your money is illegal in Derby, Kansas.

05_ Collinsville City Council made the wearing saggy pants illegal in 2011, with a $100-$300 fine for offenders.

04_ In South Ber wick, Maine it is illegal to park in front of Dunkin’ Donuts.

03_ You could be fined $500 in Louisiana if you instruct a pizza delivery man to deliver a pizza to a person without them knowing.

02_ If you wish to carry a concealed singshot in Haines, Alaska you must first obtained a weapons permit.

01_

It is illegal in Topeka, Kansas to sing the alphabet on the streets at night.

If we were to come to your house for 11

OPINION

LETTUCE TO THE EDITOR. Nexus loves getting your letters. We also love it if they are funny, intelligent and well written. Mainly we will be happy if you keep them under 250 words, it saves us having to cut them down. Please remember to give us a real name when you send them in even if you want to write with an alias. Email us at Lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz or... facebook.com/nexusmagNZ

#nexuslettuce.

hypocrisy of the Young Nats. When the petition was first launched, they stated that it was an ‘attack on democracy’ and a ‘waste of taxpayer money’. Several members (including overgrown Young Nat David Farrar) have since admitted online they had deliberately sabotaged the petition by signing it en masse with fake names.

Sorry, but I’m failing to see how those involved with the petition are the ones attacking democracy. Referendums are an avenue for citizens to have their say on government action. Wouldn’t you agree that sabotaging this is the real attack on democracy?

Elizabeth McCombes

Little Beer Corner Bullshit.

Dear Nexus, In your article “Little Beer Corner” you argued that women girls can drink beer. I’m no expert but here’s my logical math on the topic: Beer - containing yeast + Women - vulnerable to yeast infection when normal yeast levels are disrupted = A smell less like your Ambi Pur scented household after mum’s been through on the first day of spring and more like the seafood waste bin out the back of Pak ‘n’ Save on a hot summer’s day.

Your article answered as to whether they can drink beer. Yes, girls are physically capable of drinking beer. The real question is SHOULD they be drinking beer..

Sincerely, Vag mints don’t exist.

Lest we forget.

Zanian M. Steele letter to the editor, in Nexus 29 April 2013, applauded law makers for decriminalisation. Zanian M. Steele stands at a tribute like as the Roman legions return with conquest on display. Zanian M. Steele makes the point that the battle lines are drawn between accepting diversity to all rights and privileges and being ahead of the wave globally, and internationally, so that “the chain being dragged” is not an accusation of New Zealand. Women getting the vote was lead legislatively by New Zealand on a global Western push to see intellect triumph 12

over stature. Religious tolerance also another antecedent where groups of individuals are not depicted as in the Merchant of Venice by Shakespeare. Intellect and faith are two good rally cries for tolerance but Zanian M. Steele defines the sex impulse in need for deregulation. Sex impulse dates back 680 million years to when multicellular life come out of single cell life. World population is up 5.5 billion people from 100 years ago and 10 billion due in 2050 or 3.0 billion more in 36 years. Zanian M. Steele sex impulse analysis must now address the demographic reality of Malthusian Catastrophe. One child per male, per life time, for the next five generations (female can have as many children as is her choice) as a way to arrest exponential increasing human population growth. Divorce has not been made easier but marriage made harder.

Rod Young. B.Sc., B.Soc.Sc.(Hons), P.G. Dip Public Policy (Waikato)

Pick a card any OTHER card.

Dear successful brown face, You haaaaaaaad to pull out the race card didn’t you?

Regards Not disclosing ethnicity.

The death of democracy.

Lettuce to the Editor – In reply to ‘In Defence of Humor”.”.

I find it Ironic that a person of religious who says “I am a sensible person who can appreciate context” to identify themselves with religious affiliation. There are many logical fallacies in your literature which I will address in attempt to provide an antidote to society to redeem its self of religion that poisons a sadly large majority of my environment. This will be to prove that you’re in fact not a sensible person and is not to be taken in context of The ester story. “I don’t hate gays” (line 8) Doesn’t provide any evidence that you don’t dislike them either and thus is self defeating in relation to this topic. A ‘sensible person’ would derive their ideals around inductive empirical evidence instead of blindly believing in a divine being or religions that destroy truth throughout society - Using you own words “take a leaf out of” Christopher HItchens book and realize “What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.”

Unfortunately I have a very limited amount of words to utterly disprove your belief but hopefully I’ll be able to expand next week, and I invite anybodies arguments for the support of religion and a divine being although cannot guarantee that my answers will be politically correct or shall not offend individuals – in fact I hope it does. I welcome all.

PlethorA_ DISCLAIMER

As someone who is opposed to asset sales, I was obviously disappointed to hear that the first attempt at the Keep Our Assets referendum petition failed by 16,500 signatures. Not to worry though – we have two months to get the rest together!

But I just have to point out the sheer

Letters published contain the opinion of the writer and the writer alone. Nexus publications take no responsibility for the content or opinions so expressed. By submitting your letter you give consent to its publication in Nexus and subsequent public scrutiny. Letters are the authors own work and Nexus will not edit to compensate for lack of intelligence or coherency. Nexus reserves the right to edit or refuse to publish any letter which breaches any law, is defamatory to any person, or contains threats of violence or hate speech.

NOTICES

Clubs Noticeboard Waikato Psychology Student Association

Girls get Fit with Footy

SAFE

Sunday 19th May, 1-3pm at the Uni Fields.

SAFE is a New Zealand organisation which aims to improve the lives of animals in New Zealand by promoting awareness of animal cruelty. One of SAFE’s campaigns at the moment is putting an end to the factory farming of pigs and chickens, not just for the welfare of the animals involved in factory farming but also because of the effect it has on the environment. I am looking into starting a SAFE group here on campus which will involve petitions and promoting awareness of animal cruelty. If anyone thinks they would be interested in joining please email Krystal at safewaikatouni@ gmail.com

All Students are welcome to join the Waikato Psychology Student Association (WPSA).

We are a group of passionate Psychology students, here to make a difference.

Grab the girls and come along to an exciting, social fitness session hosted by pro women’s rugby players, coaches and instructors from the Waikato.

To join, email your name, email, and ID no. to wpsa13@gmail.com

Just a gold coin donation for an awesome afternoon of fitness, socialising and FREE STUFF!!

Free Trade Fortnight is on!

Oxfam on Campus are serving Fair Trade hot Coffee and Tea 8.30am-10am Wednesday 15th May from Level Zero.

Also, at Level Zero from 12noon-2pm we will be hosting a guest speaker from Fair Trade.

First 50 people to arrive receive a free goodie bag!

Brought to you by the Fit with Footy Events Team at Waikato Uni, in association with the Waikato Rugby Union.

Toastmaster’s Club

Like us on Facbook to register!

I would like to create a Toastmaster’s club at the University of Waikato.

I need 20 members (both students and staff) to register interest.Please contact Moses, mosescherrington@gmail.com

Gold Coin Donations for hot drinks, all proceeds going to Oxfam NZ. We’ll also have a raffle for a pack of Fair Trade goodies.

t

13

entertainment & reviews

LIDO CINEMA film

Haute Cuisine Rating: While it’s common knowledge you should never go to a supermarket hungry, this might be the first time you’ve been advised to not go see a film on an empty stomach. Haute Cuisine is a French language film based on the story of Danièle Delpeuch, the first women to be appointed private chef to a French president.

Beautifully shot, with gorgeous food, this movie is certainly nice to watch. However, the plot has an amazing set up which never really seems to go anywhere. It constantly cuts between her life in France, at the Elysée Palace and a year later in Antarctica, which makes you wonder at what made her quit.

Instead of focusing on some of her other achievements (opening the Ecole d’Art et Tradition Culinaire du Périgord, the area’s first cooking school, and the Foie Gras Weekend), they instead focus on her clashes (and ultimate surrender) with the presidential staff and palace’s main kitchen.

Catherine Frot is certainly lovely (and definitely doesn’t look 60) as Delpeuch, but Arthur Dupont steals the show as the charming pastry chef. Arly Jover as the reporter in Antarctica has a very strange rendition of an Australian accent but Jean d’Ormesson makes an adorable French president.

GIG

The April Bash-Out Rating: This is a story of how I ended up in a predominantly school-aged kids gig. Because what good is writing gig reviews if I don’t at least try to get out there and explore the different events happening in the Tron?

I didn’t know what to expect from The April Bash-Out. I knew it was a Zeal event, and that there were bands but it wasn’t until one of the vocalists asked the audience if we were excited for the school holidays that I realised these guys were a lot younger than I expected.

I got in just in time to catch the energetic SundayBest. They were interactive with the audience, and I loved their cover of “Sweet Disposition”. Next up was a band called Stuck in History. They didn’t have a vocalist, but they soldiered on! Their sound even reminded me of early Blink 182 days.

Sly Satire keeps getting better every time I see them live. It’s nice to see the band evolving while still staying true to their music.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance to see The Beautiful Shambles live but I have been listening to them since Saturday because they are just that good.

pay & cafÉ

Scott’s on Ward Rating: This café is pretty cool. It seems to be the local for many business people around Ward St and it is easy to see why. It has some attractive art work displayed on the walls and has a boutique clothes shop attached to it. The staff are friendly and just have that funky café feel about them and the food is tasty. The relish on their sandwiches is scrummy and they use my favourite bread, ciabata. There are the usual cabinet suspects of muffins and scones and some fancy looking club sandwiches but also a blackboard menu if you are after something a little more substantial.

If you’re a food enthusiast, or like French cinema, you’ll find some enjoyment from Haute Cuisine, but it might feel like a hit and miss for your average film goer.

Overall verdict? Let’s just say I have “liked” 4 new pages on Facebook, and my iPod is bursting with new content.

The personality of the café clearly shows through with gimmicky quotes on the wall such as “all unattended children will be given an espresso and a kitten”. The coffee I had was a little bitter but the milk was magazine cover glossy and it is obviously a hot spot for the locals so perhaps it was just a bad bean day. Overall, a chilled café to grab a bite in and browse the boutique next door and the friendly staff will be sure to look after you.

By Louise Hutt

By Jess Molina

By Kathlene Cook

ARIES

taurus

gemini

(21 mar - 20 apr)

(21 apr - 21 may)

(22 may - 21 june)

Might be time to build an Ark?

Weather like this makes you want to drink more Milo (Parts of this horoscope may be sponsored by nestle makers of New Zealand’s number one semi chocolate drink).

Always wear a raincoat. Not a euphemism for condom but always wear one of those too... well not ALWAYS, when it’s raining, or you are having sex. This is a confusing horoscope.

HOROSCOPES

14

entertainment & reviews

MARC ONE COMIC

The Discworld Terry Pratchett book

The Legend of Zelda

By Hyrule Historia Rating: If your gaming experience extends beyond Angry Birds and rounds of bowling on Wii Sports, then chances are you have played at least one Zelda game. Chances are, also, that if you’ve played a Zelda game before, then you have been deeply affected by Zelda too.

Here, collected in this massive tome, is the history of Zelda from its very beginnings as a nes classic, to its medium changing leap to 3D and beyond. Oh, and it’s great!

I don’t have nearly enough word space to talk about everything packed into these 276 pages, so here are some quick thoughts: Hyrule Historia is great value for money. The great construction and design of this book makes it feel special and it really is a wonder they kept the price so cheap. The artwork is beautiful; even with no interest in video gaming you’d be forgiven for pouring hours into studying the amazing illustrations that go into producing a video game. Really, the only slight disappointment is that the content is more focused on the newer Zelda games, especially Skyward Sword, which is forgivable.

If you’re a long-time Zelda fan, or just a fan of video game history, this book is pretty hard to resist. From start to finish, this is a pure celebration of The Legend of Zelda franchise. It’s not perfect, but what it does, it does so well; it’s a giddy reminder of why you love Link (and video games) so much.

Rating: If you’ve read a Terry Pratchett book before, well, chances are you’re a fan. There’s just a cleverness to his writing that forces a smile from your lips at the end of each sentence.

Here, collected in one volume, are his first two Discworld novels re-imagined in comic book form. For fans of his previous work, this should be an automatic buy. It’s great to see this dense and imaginative world come to life after years of picturing it for yourself.

The illustrations are (how should I put this?) ‘old-school’, but they are lively and have an authenticity that will transport you back in time. Really, the only pointy bit was that sometimes what had been in my head all this time, was jarringly different on paper.

For those who have yet to read a Terry Pratchett book, I urge you to give him a try.

He’s admittedly not for everyone, but if you think you’d enjoy fantasy books with a quirky sense of humour then try it. Being a collection of his first two novels, this wouldn’t be a bad place to start. However, I would recommend trying his novels first. His writing can be a bit complex and in comic form those problems are exacerbated; I must admit that I would have been a bit lost if not for my prior knowledge of these stories.

Ultimately though, Terry Pratchett’s wonderfully rendered world is fantastic and whether this would be for a return trip, or a first visit, I absolutely recommend this book.

By Daniel Petersen

album

Mount Modern Dad Rocks Rating: There is something comforting about acoustic guitars. And it became cool to bring them out again recently, whether you’re Mumford and Sons or Bon Ivor. The Brits were in on this too, even if we didn’t hear about it at the time.

UK band Dad Rocks were bringing that wistful and mellow sound, paired with whimsical and often laugh-out-loud lyrics when they put out their debut album Mount Modern in 2011. It’s a sweet little album that came up recently in a conversation I had, and I thought it was worth sharing. Partly as the band is still reasonably unknown and partly as the album is still up for free/koha at bandcamp.com Opening with a predominantly instrumental song, likenesses to Fleet Foxes are easily made. But as the album traipses along, its snippets of lines like “I know it’s time to start our unemployment/Let’s do a rhyme and make it our Funemployment” that provide the point of difference with this band. That third track leaps into water fights and Burger King applications in a way that fans of Tono and the Finance Company or Weezer will pick up on. The pace moves around from there with songs like Major Labels and Lifestock full of upbeat drumming and some horns even sneak in at different times. It is fundamentally a folk album that people sick of the re-emergence of that genre will move past, but for a funny and catchy take on this style of music, very much worth getting your hands on.

By Daniel Petersen

http://www.mk1.co.nz/ www.facebook.com/Mark1Comics

By Hp

cancer

leo

virgo

(22 june - 23 july)

(24 july - 23 aug)

(24 aug - 23 sep)

Use caution “Because it was really cold outside” is seldom a reason for an assignment extension.

Sometimes you really want to sing in the rain.

Don’t. You don’t have the voice for it.

Focus. This week you will struggle to complete even the

15

entertainment & reviews

@Honest_Matt Meets...

gig guide THE GIG GUIDE! I don’t know why I put that in all caps probably because IT’S THE GIG GUIDE!! Okay, I will stop.

Enjoy and see you on the d-floor!

Wednesday Skint House Bar, 6-9 pm You know the drill.. cheap pizza and cheap drinks with student ID! 2 for 1 Cocktails Grand Central Hotel, All day Let’s all be cla$$y!

Matt Hicks has a bit of a chin wag with Tahuna Breaks frontman Marty Greentree about the bands career to date, working with Crazy P and why the new album ‘Shadow Light’ has taken so long to come out.

Thursday Thursday nights with Dj StuE Agenda Did anyone say there’s nothing happening on Thursdays?

‘Shadow Light’ seemed to take quite awhile to make. What was the hold up? …. um there are 4 ‘excuses’ I can think of: 1. We took a different approach to the last 2 albums and instead of going into a studio for a week or two and hammering the tunes out in a very live way we embraced technology and took our time and recorded it mostly ourselves. This afforded us the luxury of experimenting but also meant at times we got distracted and went down the garden path exploring all the options not necessarily the right one!

2. The way the songs were written this time around involved a very comprehensive and exhaustive consultation process with the seven members of the band which naturally added to the delays - much like obtaining the right consents from your local council to get a new house built!

3. All of us work and don’t do this full time and have business to take care on the home front. So after a hard day at work, as cool as music is, sometimes the last thing you feel like doing is trying to write a song or being creative - can’t force these things!

4. Crazy P are based in the UK and are active musicians themselves so the obvious logistics of coordinating schedules added to the delay.

libra

scorpio

sagittarius

(24 sep - 23 oct)

(24 oct - 22 nov)

(23 nov - 21 dec)

Pluto and Mercury are aligned so watch out for people carrying knives. Scratch that, watch out for people with knives regardless of what the planets are doing.

Seeking flatmate for quiet two bedroom off Knighton for more info please contact president@actoncampus.org.nz Wait this isn’t the classified ads...

Take him back. It’s not like he even knew it was your sister in the first place.

16

Tahuna Breaks – Moves How would you describe your sound to someone not in the know? (i.e. your/or someone else’s grandma) MG: Funky-Disco-Soul-Rockin’ Roll - boom boom music you can dance to.

Now for the school councillor type question: Where do you see yourself as a band in 5 years?

MG: Ha ha hopefully playing cool gigs and festivals all over the world with a bunch of new tunes or… a) Brand ambassadors for a miracle pill that fixes everything from sore joints to erectile dysfunction b) Really Fat c) Brand Ambassadors for Jenny Craig e) Playing Rugby in Japan

Teknique Thursdays Static Resident DJs Tayluxxx and Snead Place Project got you covered!

Friday Beastwars ‘Blood Becomes Fire Tour’ with Viking Weed.

Static, $15 presale tickets from undertheradar. co.nz.

Rad band, rad venue, rad night!

Saturday 11th May Electro Static Static, Gold Coin Entry Bevan + guest djs = recipe for an epic night!

For the full interview check out Sounzgood. co.nz

08 entertainment & reviews

COOL VS NOT COOL

eight ball

tHREE THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME RIGHT NOW AND THREE THINGS THAT AREN’T SO MUCH. COOL Slippers.

So warm and cozy...

Hot showers on cold mornings.

Makes getting out of bed a little easier.

Soup and toast.

Ultimate winter food.

NOT COOL

Sneaky assignments.

4 assignments on Friday?! Where did those others 3 come from...

Puddles.

The number one suspect for soggy shoes and socks.

Burglaries.

Hide yo laptops, hide yo phones, they’re stealing everything.

Welcome to the 8 ball. In the depths of my gooey black ass I will answer the secrets OF THE universe. You may not like MY answerS but lets be honest who else is going to tell you the truth, ugly.

Do you think there is a heaven exclusively for Giraffes?

Do I think? No, I know. It’s called Giraffeven.

Does Sally really sell sea shells by the sea shore?

Fuck Sally. You know what those words did for my childhood lisp?

Nothing.

Should I care about the budget?

Does it effect your two minute noodles and 24 pack of Castle Point?

No? Then yes you should care because you’re one selfish asshole.

Isn’t it more important to raise literacy rates and eliminate poverty than to have ultra fast broadband?

Hells to the No. If it takes more than 20 minutes for me to download Game of Thrones then shit’s gonna get ‘real’ very quickly.

Like, apocalyptic real. Trust me, noone wants an angry magic 8 ball #NoahsArkwontevensaveyou.

If I tell him that I “like, like” him will he still want to be my lecturer?

Three words: Get it guurrrl.

Flat inspections, am I right?

Wrong.

If I train a Llama to do chin ups every day till it’s neck stretches will it get into Giraffe heaven some day?

No. Smh. Complete hypothetical here but if all the star signs were in a fight Gemini would win right?

Gemini’s might be two faced but Pisces man, Pisces win every time.

Someone told me that Llamas’ are just tiny Giraffe’s is that true?

Who are you? And what’s with the Giraffe fettish? Weirdo. Get a girlfriend. I’m assuming you’re a dude because, well, just because.

If I don’t know I’m beautiful does it really make me beautiful? the whole thing sounds bullshit to me.

Let me give it to you straight. You know what’s beautiful? Angelina Jolie. Are you Angelina Jolie? No? Then unfortunately (some may say fortunately) you’re in the ‘ugly bin’.

If I know I am beautiful does it make me ugly?

Shit no. Shake what your mama gave you.

If I am made ugly by knowing I am beautiful but then time passes and I realise I am not beautiful does that make me beautiful again?

What the what?

Are you confused too? *throws hands up in the air screaming like a wounded lion*

capricorn

aquarius

pisces

(22 dec - 20 jan)

(21 jan - 19 feb)

(20 feb - 20 mar)

This week it’s ok to feel more like the one from All Saints than Ruby Frost. Release your inner bitch.

Allow yourself the freedom to fail miserably this week. One time someone did that and we ended up with penicillin.

It’s wet. It’s cold. It’s miserable. The only way to cheer yourself up might be to go on a Nexus Blind Date email editor@nexusmag. co.nz

17

entertainment & reviews

Puzzle Page Complete the puzzle page, be the first to bring it in and show us, and you’ll win stuff!

Syllacrostic Fill in the answers to the clues by selecting the correct syllables from the list below. Each syllable can only be used once and the number of syllables to be used is shown in brackets. When the correct words are filled in, the first and last letters reading down will reveal a proverb.

DU, EN, END, I, KARD, KING, LAN, LESS, LIN, MI, MI, PAS, RING, SAL, TAN, TATE, TERN, TRA, VO. 1. Lamp (2) 2. Lasting (3) 3. Drinking vessel (2) 4. Fusillade (2) 5. Connecting (2) 6. Perpetual (2) 7. Copy (3) 8. Smoked beef (3)

Wuzzle 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Sudoku ~ Easy

18

6.

Across 1. Group of musicians (9) 7. Eye socket (5) 8. Jockey (5) 9. Epoch (3) 10. Part of the foot (6) 14. Shrewd (6) 15. Cacophony (3) 18. Thighbone (5) 20. Ice hut (5) 21. Court game (9)

Down 1. Woodwind instrument (4) 2. Floor show (7) 3. Consumes (4) 4. Despot (6) 5. Assistance (3) 6. Precipitous (6) 11. One of three (7) 12. Perplex (6) 13. Gaped (6) 16. Flightless bird (4) 17. Metal money (4) 19. Disorderly crowd (3)

Hub Words How many words can you make from the letters in the wheel? Each word must contain the hub letter R. Can you find a 9-letter word and at least 20 other words of four letters or more avoiding proper nouns?

lifestyle feature

An Evening with Vegas Brown Matt Hicks interviews...

Hey Vegas, how are you mate? How’s this NZ music month treating you?

Hey Matt I’m well, cheers for asking. NZ music month is always busy for me, not only do I keep up my rigorous (not sure if that’s a real word but I like it) cover schedule, I also organize a series of gigs for local Hamilton original bands, as well as the acts for the Whitianga Scallop Fest which takes place on September 14, it’s three stages worth of entertainment so it’s busy, busy, busy for me.

Has NZ Music Month lost its mojo? To me it seems like every year people seem to care less and less. What are your thoughts?

It’s sorta like Christmas, not as many people celebrate it because it’s become a marketing tool for the industry to further promote the IN acts, while the rest of the artists in NZ keep struggling to break through. But at the same time it’s a great opportunity for people like me to connect with other artists and play shows together, which is really why we make music anyway. I’m often thinking about how I would perform the song while I’m writing it.

What are some of the toughest things about being a full-time musician in little old Aotearoa?

I find it’s not hard to get enough work to support yourself in the hospitality industry, but it is super hard to get people to pay a ticket price to see original acts.

People often think musicians wake up at the crack of noon everyday and work for a couple of hours a night in the weekend (what a life!). Is this true? Take us through a typical day in the life of Vegas Brown.

No matter how late I go to bed, my two poodles will wake me up first thing to let them out for a pee. In order to keep working as a full time musician, you need to do hours of behind the scenes networking before you can even think about the hours you spend on stage, let alone practicing, learning new

songs, traveling, my point is, no matter how cool your job seems, it’s still just a job.

imagination is endless. We need to keep the wonder in this world.

That’s why I continue to write music, ‘cause that’s for me.

Do peeps still ask you if you’re from 48 May? Yes and I’m proud of that.

You’ve just come off X-Factor. How did you enjoy the experience?

I didn’t enjoy it as there was a lot of waiting around, but ya might as well give it a go aye.

It’s just like buying a lotto ticket, only you pay for it with your time.

These talent shows get a lot of flack from too-cool-for-school music snobs out there.

What are some of the positives and negatives you see in these glorified TV talent quests?

Ya gotta be in to win I reckon, no matter how cool you are, it can’t hurt. It’s just the way the world is heading.

You’ve been playing in bars since 13 (you must have seen some things). What kinds of changes have you noticed in the gig attending public in your time? Have people got better or worse (or stayed the same) at attending live music?

I have seen some crazy shit, but that will be in the book one day. The answer to the question is, I’ve noticed that audiences are more control oriented; like the band is a big iPod. Your band Hessian Horseman have a song called ‘Boy who cries Wolf’. I understand there’s a bit of an anti social media message behind it. What scares you most about how we use social media?

What scares me is that we don’t use it anymore, we live it! We are missing out on valuable life lessons like being accountable for the things that we say, and not always getting our own way.

Ever any chance of a re-union?

I would love to write a few songs, and play some gigs with the boys, maybe hit the studio, Jon, Shan and Hook are great to write songs with, plus it would give me a good reason to buy some nice brand new cymbals, ha ha.

What are your thoughts on the state of the Hamilton Music scene?

We have a ridiculous lot of great musos, but we need the public to be more supportive, maybe.

The cover venues need to start charging cover charges to get rid of the mentality of “why should I pay to hear these geezers play their own shit, when I can go down the road and see a band play songs I know for free.”

Any final words/shout outs/plugs?

Please buy some of my songs or my whole album off iTunes so I don’t have to do covers for the rest of my life. Visit me at www. vegasbrown.com leave me a message, also come check out the ‘Rock the Lair’ show at Diggers Back Bar, Friday 31st May, featuring The Captain, The Latest Fallout, Hessian Horseman, Art of Alchemy and Day 3. Or if you like reggae, dub, rocksoul, come to House on Hood Sunday 26th May for the ‘House Vibes’ show featuring Knights of the DUB Table, The Vegas Brown band, One Drop N8tives and Coral. Cheers Nexus.

It’s an information age, and they say knowledge is power, but knowledge is limited, 19

Feature

NEXUS STRIP CLUB REVIEW

20

It started off as a joke. “We should send you and Alix out to review strip clubs! Like the bar review, but better!” Which somehow turned into Alix and I outside Hush Hush on a Saturday night being asked, “you know this is a strip club right?” We clearly looked as out of place as we felt. I’d been planning on making jam and finishing some knitting that evening. I wish I was kidding.

We wandered up the stairs, and found ourselves at a booth where you could pay the door charge, book private dances and among other things, get Hush Hush tee shirts. “How much is it for girls to get in?” I asked the surly-looking man behind the counter. “For you two, it’s free” and stamped our arms. That was $10 cheaper than the bouncer downstairs had told us. We then squeezed past a second bouncer and went in.

I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect, the only strip clubs I’d ever seen had been in American movies. Turns out, they’re pretty accurate. There were approximately 25 guys scattered throughout the booths, which were centred around little stages and poles.

There were only two other women in the club besides us, who seemed to be with their partners. Within five minutes of sitting down, a guy had already sat next to us and was attempting to chat us up. Saying you’re 18 and from Thames are probably not the best opening lines, but neither is attempting to sexually assault one of the dancers. She immediately told him to stop, and if he did that again he’d be thrown out.

He was clearly too drunk to understand so she got the bouncer to come over and talk to him. The employees appeared well looked after at Hush Hush, but this lack of respect was something we encountered at almost every place we went to. In Route 66 a man in his early 30s walked up to one of the girls and said words to the effect of ”come here baby” and tried to grab her. She yelled “fuck off” and pushed him out of the way.

He simply followed her upstairs and into the bar. I hardly have the patience to deal with people whistling at me on my way home from uni, let alone having to put up with this behaviour at a place I worked. For whatever reason those women work there, they are still people who deserve respect.

feature

Once we’d had enough of our rather unsavoury new friend, we decided it was time to check out the other ones. I’d noticed a couple of people looking at us as we walked in and I’d figured we stood out a bit from the regular customers. However, on the way out we were whistled and yelled and pointed at. It was then I realised that they didn’t think we were there to enjoy the show like everyone else, but it was assumed we were off -duty employees. Going to a strip club, seeing half naked women, I was all fine with. Being treated like a piece of meat who did not have feelings - not okay. That made me then think about why we were given free entry. We were clearly assumed to be two straight females, and if the males patrons were going to get their kicks from us as well, we were being used for entertainment as much as the dancers were. I imagine a club where there were not only dancers, but a large number of young women in the audience (you can presumably hit on) would make for a more successful place than one where your peers are all dirty, drunk men with erections.

The modern strip club developed in the late 1960s and the culture around it is certainly interesting. I decided to live tweet our night out and the responses were varied and eye opening to say the least. I had people direct messaging me talking about people they’d known who worked there, experiences they’d had there, some positive, some negative. Quite a few people had said variations of “eww gross” when I said what I was doing that night, and I doubt many of them were directed at the atmosphere of objectified women. While strip clubs can be a part of the sex industry, it doesn’t necessarily mean that a stripper is also a prostitute. Even if they’re simply objecting to seeing half naked women, being on stage in little more than a g-string and heels requires more confidence than I certainly have. Pole dancing has recently become a fitness fad, and as someone who has ten years experience in modern dance, I definitely admired them for their athleticism. I haven’t danced in nearly three years and I was very aware I looked like a slob compared to them.

Keeping up that level of fitness as well as working nights mustn’t be easy, then add in douchebag customers and the social

stigma attached to what they do. I have deep respect for any woman who does that as her chosen profession. That’s not to say some women don’t enjoy working at strip clubs, but I don’t understand how some people want to be accountants, however that doesn’t mean their jobs are any less in demand.

You might have noticed we haven’t evaluated the dancers themselves, which a number of people assumed we would do. Getting a pair of heterosexual females to evaluate women is slightly redundant to begin with. But that also assumes everyone is into exactly the same things, which we all know not to be true. For whatever reasons you go to strip clubs, just remember to respect the people around you, whether it’s the dancers or the two girls from Nexus.

Hush Hush

Cleanliness: 9/10 - Cleaner than most bars on a Saturday night Lighting: 8/10 - Nice chandeliers Decor: 8/10 - Very classy Notable music: Playing the new Fall Out Boy Smell: 9/10

ROUTE 66

Cleanliness: 6/10 Lighting: 5/10 - Felt like an awkward school disco Decor: 4/10 - the chairs looked like they’d been stolen from a town hall Notable music: Macklemore & Carly Rae Jepsen Smell: 7/10

Firecats

Cleanliness: 7/10 Lighting: 6/10 - Very, very dark Decor: 6/10 - big stage and mirrors Notable music: had “sexy beautiful ladies” on repeat Smell: 4/10 - noticeably unpleasant but couldn’t decide on what it was

21

feature

22

feature

23

feature

24

feature

25

LIFESTYLE

Boganology 101 RIP Jeff Hanneman.

I saw Slayer twice. I say that not to brag but because that’s how they good they are. The first time was at the St James theatre. We got there late and as I walked into the dingy but comfortable stage area, I was in awe of the barb wire, stained glass, and inverted crosses that decorated the stage. I walked into a huge crowd of drunken bogans chanting the chorus to my favourite Slayer song called Disciple, fists and horns raised in the air as we all yelled “God hates us all”. I was home. Music legend Henry Rollins described Slayer as a bunch of cryogenically frozen Neanderthals who would get thawed out to release a record and then get refrozen. This is because Slayer never really changed their style, and we loved them for it.

Jeff Hanneman was definitely a Neanderthal carved out of ice, known for his bogan look of long dirty blonde hair, camo shorts, and a football jersey. He wrote the music for some of Slayer’s most popular songs including “Raining Blood”, “War Ensemble”, “South of Heaven”, “Seasons in the Abyss” and “Angel of Death”. He died as he lived, with a pickled liver. He passed away while in hospital while recovering from a disease called necrotising fascilitis (which sounds like a death metal song), which is a flesh eating disease which attacks muscle tissue; liver failure through excessive drinking while recovering from a flesh eating disease. If that’s not metal, I don’t know what it is.

While I would miss Slayer, I honestly hope that the band gracefully retires. Hanneman isn’t perhaps as immediately recognisable as angry bald man Kerry King, or Chilean nice guy Tom Araya. However, with drummer Lombardo splitting after arguments with the other band members, and Hanneman’s passing, the band just wouldn’t be the same. I’d hate for them to try to keep going and embarrass themselves.

This Heineken’s for me, this one’s for my homies. Rest in Peace Jeff.

Stay Bogan \m/

By Burton C Bogan 26

Auteur Richard Swainson Doscovers it’s a mad mad world and we are all just living in it.

Like many others I have fallen under the spell of the Mad Men television show. Having only discovering it a few months ago, I have been devouring series after series. Auteur House proudly stocks seasons 1 through 5.

One element of the show that I suspect I am in a minority in enjoying is the uncanny

offspring, Errol Flynn’s kid or Raquel Welch’s daughter? Others who do make it carve a niche for themselves well outside the parental shadow. Michael Douglas is perhaps the clearest example. Neither Douglas’ looks nor performance style bring to mind those of his legendary father, Kirk.

What follows is a brief list of second generation movie stars who do either directly or indirectly trade on the fame of their forebears.

1. Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. The son of the silent screen’s preeminent swashbuckler had a long and diverse career but only really excited in roles that daddy could have played in his prime. Doug Jr.’s finest hour came in 1937, wielding a villainous sword opposite Ronald Colman in The Prisoner of Zenda.

resemblance a particular cast member has to his famous father. Jared Harris, who plays the displaced Briton Lane Pryce in series 3 through 5, is the spitting image of later Richard Harris, one of the key movie stars of the 1960s.

2. Liza Minnelli. Could a performer look, sound and act more like her mother? Judy Garland’s little girl has lived a lot longer than her momma and in someways enjoyed more sustained success but for many she’s just a carbon copy of an unsurpassable original.

To be fair to the younger Harris, he has a huge range. More character actor than star, he’s capable of credibly playing historical figures as diverse as Andy Warhol (in 1996’s I Shot Andy Warhol) and Ulysses S. Grant (in Steven Spielberg’s recent Lincoln). It’s only because of Lane’s hair cut and accent and the fact that Richard Harris’ career was in its ascendancy in the era in which Mad Men is set that the connection between father and son is so apparent.

3. Isabella Rossellini. Like Minnelli, the offspring of a legendary actress and a hugely talented director. Rossellini bears an uncanny physical resemblance to mother Ingrid Bergman yet outside of Blue Velvet has seldom acted with anywhere near the same intensity.

It doesn’t always follow that the sons and daughters of movie stars who attempt to follow in their parents’ footsteps end up having the same kind of screen appeal or persona. The majority, of course, fail to have any kind of career at all. Who today remembers the work of John Wayne’s various

4. Peter Fonda. Best known for co-creating Easy Rider, Fonda’s 1960’s hippy persona had little to do with his iconic dad. However, in 1997’s Ulee’s Gold Peter channelled Henry in a most moving and satisfying way, suggesting untapped depths of talent. Sadly, it was a once in a lifetime performance.

By Richard Swainson

LIFESTYLE

50 Shades of Gay That’s so Gay.

Language morphs and evolves over time.

‘Gay’ once meant carefree and uninhibited.

Over time it evolved to mean uninhibited by moral constraints. As such a gay woman was a prostitute, a gay man a womanizer and a gay house a brothel. It became associated with indulgence, showiness of dress, and came to include camp and effeminate traits. The sexualised use of this term was then extended to describe homosexuals.

Today, though it still maintains a long history of meaning homosexual, it is also being used

Auditor The dark side of accounting (and why you’re not giving the bean-counters enough credit)

The lanky lecturer opens on an encouragingly terrifying note, busily drawing up a series of equations that involve absolutely no numerals and a disproportionate spattering of pseudoGrecian hieroglyphs. This raises some doubt as to whether we’re actually planning on summoning some unimaginable evil from another dimension, or just ironing out the proper procedure. The first slide confirms that this is, in fact, an accounting paper, so humanity is definitely screwed.

‘Ancient horrors’ usually violate the first law of accountancy – “For every occurrence of interest, there must be an equal and opposite boredom, and accountants may only ever be involved in the latter.” (The only known exception to this is Brian Tamaki, who, presumably, heartfeltedly wishes his two closest friendship groups would just get along). However, all this means is that our doom will merely be delayed until an unsuspecting janitor

by young people to describe something shit.

This negative usage has its roots in the 1970s where it was used as an insult, and it is still used as an insult today.

People often get defensive of their use of the word claiming they no longer associate it with homosexuality, don’t mean offence, and claim it means something different now.

Understandably it is still offensive to a lot of

“Just because you’re using it without meaning harm doesn’t make it harmless...” people. Just because you’re using it without meaning harm doesn’t make it harmless, it basically means you have been socially conditioned by your peers to say it... you’ve picked it up like an STI. Please keep your socially transmitted idiocy to yourselves and think of a better word for something shit.

discovers and solves these problems (thus proving his secret genius, but then being immediately and tragically devoured by the eldritch abominations his calculations have called to our world). It’s a real-life, feelgood, family drama-dy, punctuated with bloody, Lovecraftian gore.

As the lecture progresses, though, I’m shocked by the content’s trend toward ever greater heights of fascination. There’s definitely some kind of black magic happening here, because come on, this is accounting.

Generating enthusiasm to the point where I’m legitimately enthralled, to the point where bean-counting actually appears to have some bearing on the wider world, breaks at least four fundamental principles of the universe.

But no: we learn about environmentalism, hippies, and (I can’t believe I’m typing this) the societal importance of accounting; we get a one-man skit as the lecturer lets his inner John Cleese loose, a monologue about “strange bee fetishes”, and why we should be concerned about the mysterious, inexplicable mass disappearances the little pollinators’ populations are experiencing worldwide. The lesson is entertaining, and delivered with heart, humour, and a conscience, to which I can only conclude that the lecturer should probably be granted name suppression in case the Management School higher-ups read this and are promptly forced to fire him.

Diary of a Single Girl Enjoying the dating life one bite at a time.

Dear new procrastination technique, I hope you don’t mind that today I don’t know exactly where this is going.

Since my debut in the Nexus Blind date I have got up to many mischievous and strange activities. It seems that because of my newly single status the expected behavior is ridiculousness, which I am more than happy to supply.

I think I should start with the story of the boy in town and why I didn’t get his number.

One cold/warm Autumn evening we hopped out of a taxi in town and encountered a group of young men. Since we still had a way to walk we ended up walking with them.

Later on in the night we kept bumping into them and one thing led to another and I was kissing one of them. This was pretty early in the night and girls and boys I’m not a “go home from town early” type of gal so getting tired of the activity and not wanting to go home yet I tried to pull away gently.

This wasn’t working so I had to try a more aggressive approach.

The next day when my flatmate enquired why I hadn’t got the poor guys number I had to admit; “cause I bit him.”

Some of you may think this was unnecessary, but at the time it seemed like a perfectly awesome exit technique. Girls probably don’t try it though because if you do, it’s sure to be the guy you then see EVERYWHERE. 27

lifestyle

Google This Things you should know about on the internet.

The Art of Packing http://www.louisvuitton.com/front/#/ eng_US/Collections/Men/Travel/stories/ The-Art-of-packing Ever wanted to learn how to pack properly?

Louis Vuitton teaches you all the cheats and tricks to get the most in your suitcase.

Daily Script http://www.dailyscript.com/index.html Whether you’re a film buff or just a interested in a particular movie, Daily Script gives you a little glimpse into what goes into a screenplay and have your own piece of Hollywood.

Gram Conversions http://www.gourmetsleuth.com/cookingconversions/gram-conversions.aspx It’s super annoying when you find an amazing recipe online and but everything is in the wrong units. Gourmet Sleuth gives you an easy way of making that Chocolate Lasagne recipe you found on Pinterest into metric units...

Literature Map http://www.literature-map.com Literature Map lets you type in the name of an author you love, or have just finished reading and gives you suggestions of similar authors.

The closer the names are on the map, the more likely a person will like both of them.

I Never Asked For This – A Web Comic https://www.facebook.com/ ineveraskedforthiscomic Hamilton’s own Aneece brothers – Hoss & Ayman have started a web comic. If the art style looks familiar, it’s because Hoss often contributes comics to Nexus!

Living on the Cheap The Power is yours... but at what Cost.

The cooler weather approaches and as it does we find our power bills increasing in response. This is really hard when you are on a limited, fixed budget, but there are some things that you can do to help keep the power bills down.

Yes – some of these things are likely what 28

your parents said to you many times as you were growing, but they are worth repeating. » If you have electric water heating, then turn it off during the day when the heating rates are higher and turn it on after 6pm. The water will be hot enough the next day for your shower.

leggings may look great, but don’t provide much warmth. Put a sweatshirt on; wear a hat if you need to. You lose a lot of body heat through the head. » Turn the TV off at the wall, not just with the remote.

» Turn the lights off! If you are not in a room, then make sure the lights are turned off.

» Use rugs over your knees and a hottie bottle.

Who cares what it looks like? When you are pulling all nighters to get that assignment done, this really helps keep you warm.

» If you have curtains, as soon as it starts to chill down in the evening or late afternoon in some cases, shut them. So much heat escapes through the windows. If you don’t have curtains or blinds then hang a blanket or anything that will cover the window.

» When making a cup of tea or coffee, unless you are making tea for everyone then don’t fill the kettle, just use the minimum amount needed.

» Only heat the room you are currently using. » Put on extra layers of clothing, those

» Shower rather than bathing as it uses less water. Keep your showers short.

lifestyle

Mr Minty Fish

last 3 days.

Oliver - If Oliver put as much time into not being a fucking retard as he did using fake tan and hair bleach then maybe people wouldn’t “be too busy” on Saturday night.

What’s in a name? Would a rose by any other name still smell as sweet? MMF Doesn’t know the answer but she does know all Jacob’s have hairy nipples.

William - Everyone loves William. He’s the only guy that can throw up at your house after a party and you feel bad, clean it up for him then buy him McDonalds. He’s that keeeent.

Liam - Liam goes through stages. Liam might be in his gay phase right now, or; alternatively; Liam might have just finished his straight phase.

Lucas - Lucus had parents that didn’t consider adopting him out. They sat down, thought about a name that girls would find easy to scream in 17years time and succeeded.

Ethan - Ethan lifts, bro. Ethan wants everyone to know he lifts. Ethan wants you to know how much he lifts, when he lifts and why he lifts. He just lifts.

Noah - Even if Noah is mingin’ he gets bitches based purely on the fact that said bitches pretend they are in the Notebook as he gazes into their eyes in the middle of intersections.

Top 10 names for vagina carriers next week,

Mason - Mason loves 3 things. Mason loves cutting shapes on the dance floor, Mason loves pulling hot bitches and Mason loves watching Htown Streetcats in his driveway.

I think that Ancient Aliens are real and that; essentially; they started humanity. Now that that’s out there, here are the top 10 most popular boys names for 2013. As I’m clearly qualified to do so, I have given you a detailed scientific description of each fellow, should you meet them in Outback and want to ravv them on a river bank somewhere.

Samuel - Samuel likes drugs. This can be said for all Samuels. Especially the Samuels that are reading this wearing Thai pants and eating their third bowl of Tikka Masala.

Jack - Should you ever need $5, Jack will lend you his last $5 followed by the shirt off his back; which you very well might not want as it’s the same one he’s worn to training for the

Jacob - Jacob needs to keep his shirt on because Jacob is not a fucking werewolf.

Jacob has the hairiest nipples seen on a man since the last man to be named “Harold”.

Love, MMF.xxx @mrmintyfish P.S. Think I saw your mum in Rodeo last week.

She can get dooown. It’s getting back up that’s the problem.

hEa t Es s old

st

NE

ico

Ed r

Gr

av E

tcE

N to G iN rr

au r i av E

ca st M as

tEr

E s av

aNu

l io

av E rs

iE l d

tE as M

MaN

st

sEl

av E Mo

r r iN

sv il

d lE r

BEr

st

st

Ey

aNE

oKF

Es

st

l Fa r

B ro

cr

rd

st

id G E rd

d Nr

M ac

ll

orE

F ly N

lor

iE

rd

r r is

ca M Br

N ay

h

KaK

cE ht

rG

rr

ENt

uG

Bu

Mo

ro

iN

t ay s

st

N st

Bo

Ed

av E

l ow

h st

y st

N iXo

F irt

GrE

ls

s

Ba

rEG

st hil

ca

Ga l

Ea

E rt

st

st

Es

alB

F oX

Gl l iN

N G to

o

rd

rd

K st

aN wEl

Br

E

Na

ora

lE

al rd

c oo

JE

rd

E lv

st

st

GE

dEy

st id

da va

si

hE

clyd E st

st

a Br

tr d hi

ll

KN

st

r ld

dE c ly

ri st

Es

UNIVERSITY OF WAIKATO

cr

ho

assaults

rd

d Nr

ria

K yo r

Mo t lE s

o ct X

st

car thefts

E ro

y st

ME BEa

w

N ils o

st

Burlaries

vE tt a sco

HAMILTON BOYS’ HIGH SCHOOL

vi o KN

M ay

CRIME MAP FROM 17/04/13 - 30/04/13

rd

caM

GrE

rd

M Fa r

N

Ja M

Ga

st

ht oN

a

rd

r

a rd

iG

oh

st

vE

ruaK ur

st

ylE

ri

ha

NottiNGhaM dr

a rG

ar tE

ro tE a

d

M

d

sr

Fa r

au

Nd

d

cl

a El

ol

NE

st ill

E rd pEachG rov

o’

rd

tcE

Ko

phy

pia

KlE

ca id GE

s

Br

rE dc

rd

w

For

iE

GEr

sv tc

huN

E y av

M

dr

hN

haM

Jo

coB

E

29

Lifestyle

From the Vault McDonalds Choice with Students - Nexus Issue 16, 21st July 1998

Business has been brisk at Waikato University’s McDonalds restaurant since it opened last Monday and management say opening hours could be extended. The first three days of trading saw 6000 individual transactions which included 900 Big Macs being sold.

Little Beer Corner What’s crafty and what’s not…

Right now there’s a bit of beer chat on the topic of ‘true craft’. Some folk will argue that unless a beer has been hopped up the wazoo; made from organic, GE free malted barley and aged with chips from virgin oak then it’s not crafty. Okay, I exaggerate but I’ll get to some sort of point shortly.

Craft beer, to use the term loosely, is in the middle of some sort of explosion in both popularity and production. I’m not just talking about here in Godzone but all over the planet.

Sales of mainstream brews have been on the decline for the past few years and the only part of the beer business showing any real growth is craft. For this reason now is the perfect time for little guys who’ve been thinking of having a crack at brewing to get involved. It also means that Big-businessbrewing is getting in on the action too as they look to tap into these new, clever, beerfriendly consumers looking for something different.

I’ve read some stuff where beer boffins have used the phrase ‘faux craft’. I interpret this 30

as referring to the beers produced in mass quantities by large, multi-national, foreignowned brewers aiming to tap into this developing trend. You’re clever enough to figure out what I‘m talking about without me having to name names. I’m not going to give these beers or the companies that make them a kicking as I firmly believe in ‘freedom of beer choice without fear of persecution’. (Side rant – the guy at the pub who comments on

“Big-business-brewing is getting in on the action too as they look to tap into these new, clever, beerfriendly consumers looking for something different.” the brand of beer you order can fuck right off. ‘Drink Speights, got no mates’ is bullshit.

You’re the guy at the pub by yourself commenting on strangers drink choice. Where are all your mates?). What I will say is that I think it’s a bit rich, and sneaky, to make a beer in your $120m factory in Auckland in 30,000 litre vats, give it a crafty name and then get your seven year old niece to design the label at kindy – that’s not crafty.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a beer xenophobe (whatever that is), I think that craft beer should be better. It should be about flavour and freshness and the brewer wanting to make a better product. At least have a crack at these and yours a try.

Owner-operator Eileen Brnyne told NEXUS the restaurant would stay open past 7pm if there’s sufficient demand. She’s also not ruling out staying open during term and semester breaks. She says she’s been amazed by the numbers of people on the campus outside of regular working hours.

The restaurant is open seven days a week and Eileen’s optimistic the restaurant will create its own weekend market by attracting people to the campus.

The restaurant is a first for New Zealand university although a McDonalds was opened at the Auckland Institute of Technology in 1995.

Waikato University students make up to 90% of the restaurant’s staff and management.

“We’re happy to provide students with employment while they further their education at the University” Eileen said.

Negotiations between the students’ union and university owned company Campus Services Limited and McDonalds began over 18 months ago. Construction of the restaurant inside the ground level of the Oranga complex started earlier this year.

On opening day a small group of antiMcDonalds protestors made their presence felt by beating drums outside the restaurant.

A leaflet distributed by the group accused the multinational company of exploiting workers and animals. Eileen said she expected a protest and feels it added to the excitement of the opening.

Stephen Wright

LIFESTYLE lifestyle

31

ALICE & A Lifestyle

Alice & Anne

By ALICE & ANNE

Hibernation preparations: How to choose your winter footwear

Buying footwear for winter can be a hassle.

They cost money and you need them to help you survive the Hamilton weather. Expensive shoes might seem a luxury but can actually be cheaper in the long run. Terry Prachett sums it up fairly well:

If you totally annihilate your shoes, make sure you dunk them in a bucket and give them a scrub or a wipe before you chuck them in the hot water cupboard. Nothing worse than having shoes with dried mud in the seams or under the inner sole.

“A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. An affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that’d still be keeping his feet dry in ten years’ time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.”

Suede shoes do not like water. You can Scotchguard them but they’re better to be saved for puddle-free days.

We’ve divided the rest of our suggestions into weatherproof and endurance, and style.

Weatherproof & Endurance If you’re worried about slipping on wet surfaces, you can get grip glue from Mitre 10.

They also provide an extra layer if they soles are worn out or a bit thin.

Trend Spotting

By ALICE AND ANNE

Campus Trends

Back in Black.

If you love a certain pair of shoes (and you’ve invested in them) you can get them resoled relatively cheaply. This is particularly good if the upper part of the shoes are a good fit and look like they will last a few more seasons yet.

If you own leather shoes, buy polish and touch them up every couple of weeks. This can increase the lifespan of your shoes significantly. You can even buy neutral polish to go on whatever colour footwear you have.

Style If you’re buying quality, make sure you’re getting leather not polyester. Polyester will disintegrate pretty quickly, while leather should last if you look after it.

SLIGHTLY STONED Look for top stitching around the panels and sole instead of glue (which won’t last as long).

When buying knock off chucks or vans, look for a good thick barrier around the sole. This should make it less likely for water to soak through to your socks. Scotchguard your canvas shoes if you plan on wearing them in the rain, and be careful about buying light coloured one.

SLIGHTLY STONED CHEF PANCAKES 32

Be careful of “sometimes” shoes - make sure they’ll go with things, and if in doubt, stick with black or brown.

Happy shopping, Alice & Anne

Collect ½ cup flour, ½ cup rolled oats, ¼ cup brown sugar, 1/3 cup white sugar, 1 tsp cinnamon, pinch of salt, 100g softened butter and 500g of fresh or canned fruit.

Nothing makes us swoon more than velvet pants. Round glasses are definitely popular this year, bring out your inner John Lennon.

Mix all the ingredients together (excluding the fruit) to make the crumble topping.

lifestyle

Arts Khrissie Rhodes I am in my last year of Visual Arts at Wintec majoring in Graphic Design. I love illustrating because it acts as a medium for my inner craziness. I work in both digital and analogue style and gravitate towards the kooky things in life and typically draw anything a bit macabre or naughty. www.facebook.com/happylittlemeatcleaver

Spread your choice of fruit on the bottom of a baking dish. If using fresh fruit peel and chop then layer on dish.

Crumble the mix over top of the fruit and bake in a 200 degree oven for 30mins.

Serve warm with ice cream or whipped cream.

33

WSU

President’s Column An open letter to the residents of Hart Road.

I know you are probably all getting sick of these “open letters” after last week’s hatefuelled tirade regarding OUSA and their sad excuse of a sports tournament, however, this week I saw something that really got me going. As I trawled through the typically bland pages of stuff.co.nz I stumbled across an article titled “Residents fuming at ‘family’ housing”, and naturally their liberal use of quotation marks intrigued me. To my surprise it was not in fact family housing that had upset the residents of Hart Road Tamahere, but rather, the prospect that a number of nine bedroom properties under development may in fact end up being rented to what they clearly perceive to be the modern day lepers of society - students.

Now the fine residents of Tamahere are no stranger to petty complaints and crying over first world problems, after all, these are the same faux-farmers that once complained that their children couldn’t safely ride their bikes on their own ‘street’, also known as the 100kmph country road they chose to live on. I might be out of line, but the way I see it is that if you chose to overextend yourself financially to impress your second wife who wanted to move to the countryside to play farmer, wear gumboots, and give your spoilt kids a petting zoo while you are at work, then you can’t really complain about the realities of country living.

But can they complain about the possibility of students moving into the area?

spokesperson), Peter North certainly believes so, raising concerns that ‘their’ quiet little cul de sac will be turned into a thoroughfare.

“This is a rural lifestyle block area and we’re concerned that it could turn into a university student street”. Sure it’s a lifestyle block area now, but was it always that way? Here’s a little history lesson for the residents of Hart Road. The last time property developers rolled through Tamahere they were building the mansions that you and your friends now live in, destroying thousands of acres of prime dairy land. I’m going to take a guess and say that you really fucked up the lifestyle of some poor farmer, turning roads that were once used for quad bikes, herds of cattle and dairy tankers into a ‘thoroughfare’ for your rented Porches, cocktail party guests, and your kids’ shitty bicycles. Was he pissed off? Probably. Did he complain? Probably not, because he understood that sometimes areas change.

The reality is that students have to live somewhere. They have to be somebody’s next door neighbour, so why not you? Students live in all suburbs of the city, in most instances peacefully, so why should one area be exempt?

Because they have a little more money, or at least pretend they do? I guess we could try segregation, but that didn’t work out too well for South Africa. Who are we kidding anyway, show me a student who can afford to live in Tamahere and I’ll show you Peter North’s kids.

Veeps Setting yourself apart. A lesson from classic literature.

“Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring two-pence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.” - C.S. Lewis Throughout my university studies I have been reminded time and time again that my degree alone is not likely at all to set me off on a career path that I love. This may be because I’m studying communications, in fact it probably is, but I think what they meant was that it is vital to set ourselves apart from the rest with some point of difference.

Aaron The street’s ‘spokesperson’ (you know a street is pretentious when they have a

When I initially heard this in first year it played on my mind a bit. How was I meant to be different to everybody else in a way that would impress potential employers? One day, after giving up on being impressively different, there was an ad on facebook about joining the WSU and building student culture. Something lit up inside of me and since nobody had told me that normal people don’t campaign for that sort of thing in their first year – I went for it!

Two years later and I’m sitting here writing a Veeps column, set apart without even intending it. C.S. Lewis could not have put it more beautifully. Don’t worry about being different, be original by doing whatever it is that lights you up. Be passionate! Somebody is sure to love it.

Danyell

34

WSU

35

WSU

Ask Amber

Young Workers Resource Centre

Confidentiality Is the WSU Advocacy Service confidential?

This week I was asked by a student if the WSU Advocacy Service is confidential. Now I haven’t been asked this before. I wasn’t offended; I wanted to thank the student. Good on this student to try suss me out before they asked a complete stranger for some support.

Aren’t we smart students here at Waikato!

But it did make me think - do students at Waikato University not know that their Advocacy Service is confidential?

Here are five fast facts about your WSU Advocacy Service: The WSU Advocacy Service is independent from the University. Even though as a Student Advocate I do work closely with staff members of the university to help out the odd student the WSU do also offer an independent service from the university.

You are covered by the Privacy Act. The only time I will ever talk to anyone about a student’s situation is once I have asked for the student first and this is usually to talk about possibly additional support.

The WSU is all about student welfare.

The WSU is an organisation run by past and current student for students. We understand what it is like to be a student therefore aren’t going to judge you. 1: it is not our job to judge you. 2: we probably have already been through what you are going through, we are human too.

The Student Advocate does not take sides.

It is our job to support you; make sure you are being treated fairly; and make sure you can continue with your studies. Full stop.

Your Student Advocate used the Advocacy Service herself when she was a student.

The advocate I saw at the time supported me all the way through my situation and I learnt a lot out of it. Now I support other students through similar situations and teach them how to overcome their own situations.

If you have any questions for me or just generally unsure of where to go with a situation then flick me an email or text message.

Email: advocacy@wsu.org.nz Mobile: 0272065011 36

Health and safety taskforce

Citizens Advice Bureau Do I really need an extended warranty?

Geoff bought a television for his new flat and the shop wanted him to buy an extended warranty for it. He wasn’t sure if it was a good thing to do, so he didn’t.

Geoff was wise. His rights under the Consumer Guarantees Act say goods must be fit for the purpose they are made for, be safe, last for a reasonable time, have no minor defects and be acceptable in look and finish. If Geoff has a problem with the TV he should take it back to the shop which should repair, replace or refund the money he paid if it’s a minor problem or give him a refund, replacement or compensation if the problem is serious. If this doesn’t happen he can write to the manager or head office and if he is still not satisfied he can take a claim to the disputes tribunal.

A warranty is the manufacturer’s or trader’s guarantee that goods or services will last as long as the warranty. The warranty doesn’t replace your rights under the Consumer Guarantees Act and the trader can’t tell you that it does.

The Citizens Advice Bureau can give you information about this or other inquiries you might have. Visit them at the Village Green

by Waikato Print 11am – 1pm, Mon – Fri or phone 0800FORCAB

“Each year, around 1 in 10 workers are harmed, with about 200,000 claims being made by people to ACC for costs associated with work-related injuries and illnesses.

Of these, about 90 percent are medical fee expense claims, often involving only one or two visits to a health professional. The remainder (10%) are more substantive entitlement claims, reflecting a more serious degree of harm, for which compensation and support beyond medical fees are required. These include payments for rehabilitation, weekly compensation and accidental death benefits.

Approximately 26,000 workplace related entitlement claims were approved by ACC for people being harmed at work in 2010. (Health and Safety Taskforce Executive Report 2013).

So the moral of this is: follow your health and safety procedures, don’t be one of those 1 in 10. Health and safety in New Zealand will hopefully be changing after the above quoted Health and safety Taskforce report. In the meantime please note that when you are an employee or an employer you have a responsibility to keep yourself safe, your workmates safe, your workers safe and your boss safe; If you do not you can be liable. Finally you do have the right to turn down unsafe work, and you cannot be punished for it.

Keep safe, Kylie Zinsli

WSU

Was This You? Bar 101.

Was this you out on the town last weekend?

37