NONSENSE HUMOR MAGAZINE
THE FALL ISSUE ISSUE 158
NOVEMBER 2014
from writers, join nonsense pls we need help e enthuiasts, mem ple, peo y funn ly eral gen artists, who enjoy ple peo and people with lots of money, club if this join s!!!! vitie acti wrestling and DIY ’t don u like “yo you want people to say things be) here e nam r have to be nice to (insert you i promise it will be cause he/she is in nonsense�. of fun and make lot a e hav we e worth it becaus ar. people laugh sometimes, i swe
oh yeah, w e meet eve ry thursda center roo y in studen m 143 loca t ted next to muter loun the comge, people . the meetin at 9:23 on gs start the meetings fr dot and we also hold iday at 4:2 writers 0 in the rath those of yo skellar for u intereste d in honing y haha honin our craft. g is a funn y word.
Contents Front Cover Photo by Zach Johnson Editorial pg. 4 by Ana Davis Fan Mail pg. 4 Kids Corner pg.5 Rabinowitz Cat Shelter Illustrated by Haley Blomquist Napkin Collection Scholarship by Catherine Schmelter
Staff Editor-in-Chief Ana “IDFWU” Davis Editorial Assitant Emily “Emily Guida” Guida Head Writers Matt “Community Service” Tanzosh Zach “DTF” Johnson Design Director Ana “Blue Dream” Davis Art Director Heather “Indie Rock” Levinsky Copy Editor Zach “Still DTF” Johnson
Dick Doodles pg. 6 by Craig Warcocksexi
Content Manager Samantha “Human Cat” Senicola
PSL: Let’s do it Á la Française pg.7 by Solange Luftman
Business Manager Solange “Very Pleasant” Luftman
Public Safety Style Guide pg. 8 by Heather Levinsky Humans of HofChella pg. 10 by Zach Johnson & Tyler Barragan Photos by Zach Johnson and Hofstra EU Out of Uranus pg. 16 by Zach Johnson & Trevor Parrish My 15-yr-old Cousin’s Ode to Fall pg. 17 by Meghan Cody Back Cover by Heather Levinsky
Photographers Meghan “Diablo” Cody Brendan “Shiesteson” Walles Faculty Advisor Amy “Sorry, Professor” Karofsky Contributors Marcus “Reverend Al Sharpton” Reynolds Sam “More To Him Than Just Weed” Casadevall Cody “Is Also From Jersey” Sullivan Matt “Meth” Hilerio Mack “The Voice” Caldwell James “Special to the Chronic” Sweeney Craig “Orange Craig” Warckwoseki Andrew “Peace and Quiet” Vigeant Trevor “Rise Against T-Shirt” Parrish Catherine “Dasani Water” Schmelter Haley “Emily Osment” Blomquist Tyler “ACAB” Barragan Kelsey “iPhone Virgin” Buckley Daniel “Hole in the Green Man Suit” Willis NONSENSE HUMOR MAGAZINE is Hofstra University’s only “intentional” humor magazine. Don’t take any of our advice ever we have NO IDEA what we are talking about. >:~) OK well yeah we put out an issue online every month and meet every Thursday at 9:23 PM.
Our fans (yes, we have those) wrote in to ask us about life and we gave it to them straight. If you’d like to write in to us, please reconsider, or tweet at us @ nonsensehumor and we’ll give you the good word regarding whatever the hell you want.
Editorial Hi guys! Welcome to another installment of this thing we like to call Nonsense Humor Magazine! This time around we are focusing on my favorite season of all, fall, and everything that comes along with the changing of the leaves. Winter is rearing it’s ugly head around the corner and we thought it would be nice to reflect on all that autumn has had to offer us here at Hofstra University. We really had a great time putting this thing together and we hope nobody gets as mad us as my mom does when I tell her I have another semester to go untill I graduate. At this point I think my children will graduate from Hofstra before I do. At any rate, we found a bunch of new freshmen who were interested in feeling ostracized by their fellow students and in making stuff they like with people they kinda like and this thing came out of it. We got some excellent new writers and added on photographers who are sure to strengthen our #brand. This fall semester really felt a lot like Hofstra was trying extra hard but not even in a good way mostly just like someone who’s trying to hard to be your friend. Lackmann food is now %5 cheaper which is great because getting diarrhea really should not break the bank! I’m really sorry about that Lackmann joke just because jesus christ on a cross who gives a shit? There’s a goddamn Chipotle across the street don’t you cretins love that shit? Maybe stop buying weed with your parents money and buy yourself some groceries idk?? Anyways, yeah this school year seems like a great time to continue on pretending this place is more than just a glorified community college. We need to continue to come together on Yik Yak to ask somebody where to get adderall, or to ask girls to come over and blow you, or to talk about being afraid of black people. Continue on being just the way you are and be sure to never expand your horizons or step out of your comfort zones, people. Learning new things is scary and was invented by democrats so it’s better not to involve ourselves with new information. Also be sure to be afraid of things you aren’t familiar with! There’s no one on this earth better than you buddy :) 4
NONSENSE: The Fall Issue
fan mail Is Stu Rabinowitz Circumcised? Regrettably, we can confirm that this is a definitive no… which is shocking for a gentleman named Rabinowitz. How can I stay warm this winter? The Meatsweats™ How do I live forever? Have someone spread over your mouth, spread their ass cheeks, and shit directly into your mouth. The shit must go directly down your throat and not touch any of the sides. How do I get away with smoking weed in my dorm? Start smoking, wait until Psafe comes, and then smoke them up. Let them call for backup until everyone comes and gets high, then play Super Smash Brothers, after they find the Doritos, of course. How do I graduate on time?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s a better joke than anything we’ve ever written in this magazine. Have you ever considered joining the staff?
I am 12 and what is this? U got kik? How big does it need to be? Large enough to reach and short enough to bend. How do I increase my Yakarma?
Why did dad leave? Ask your mother. Can I take the car out tonight? Ask your father. Can I go to the bathroom? I don’t know, can you? Should I leave Nonsense? Yes, Matt. Fuck you.
s ’ d i K r e n Cor We here at Nonsense Humor Magazine are patrons of the arts and are offering children in the area an opportunity to participate in Hofstra’s Napkin Collection Scholarship by submitting artwork inspired by autumn. Thanks to all of you from Mrs. Hujass and Mr. Cochring’s classes who contributed their drawings!
Where all the Hofstra cats go to stay warm in the winter.
by Haley Blomquist, Age 13 Issue 158, November 2014
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Falling Like Leaves By Craig Warthogski, Age 12
Kid’s r e n r Co Leaf Angel By Craig Waterskicow, Age 12
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NONSENSE: The Fall Issue
PSL: Let’s do it
Á la Française by Solange Luftman
Oh yeah baby. You pour that syrup in my cup. Yes, you stir it up. Oh I wish I didn’t have to wait for this pleasure. The anticipation is killing me! Have a nice day? Now that the object of my desire is ready, you better believe I will. Putting my mouth to the rim, I inundate my taste buds with liquid envy. As per usual, I must slosh the mixture around a bit before swallowing to get a complete experience. Mmmm. Seduction of the sweetest kind. I often wonder if the second sip will be as good as the first and it always is. A fine lover you are. Merci beaucoup! Oh my, honey you are a savage* one! Let’s keep this going until fall ends. I wish you could never leave my side. A slick lick of my upper lip and the deed is done. Confused? I’m talking about PSL’s obviously. You don’t know? Ugh plebeians these days… It stands for Pumpkin Spice Latte. You know, from Starbucks? When you reach a certain level of class, one does not need to indulge in decorative cappuccino foam from a porcelain mug. Simplicity is key. The lipstick stain on my coffee cup reminds me of how chic I am. Channeling Liz Taylor is a specialty of mine. Look at my eyeliner in all its élégance*. Yes, I’ll probably tell you that it took me a minute to get ready, but I’m lying. Contrary to popular belief, glamour is not organic. And neither are the fields that poor Costa Ricans have to till to make sure I can enjoy my PSL at this moment. All that is posh is contrived. Didn’t Brigitte Bardot’s platinum long locks teach you that?
Like the lovely photos that Starbucks places in their coffee shops that showcase the natural beauty of their coffee bean farms and close-ups of the raw vermilion beans, my charming impressions of old Hollywood actresses is a façade. Marilyn engaged in all this as well. Those eyebrows did not pluck themselves. Because it is often discouraging to look up to celebs that have passed on, I can always count on Lana Del Rey™ to make me feel at ease. She’s the perfect impersonator of old Hollywood and I crave to be just like her, just as I crave PSL’s. To tastefully wrap things up, I would like to discuss all the lowly peasants that berate me for enjoying PSL’s. I don’t want to sound crasse*, but those individuals can bugger off. Sure, I occasionally sport floral print tracksuits and draw-on a beauty mark on my left cheek, but criticism for coffee tastes is so démodé*. As for me, I’m going to continue to wear haute couture and be fabuleux*. The magique* of PSL’s is real, unlike your dreams for the future. Offended? Hmm c’est la vie*!
*Á la Française: in the French manner. Like the croissants and éclairs I enjoy over a stimulating brunch with elite acquaintances. *Savauge: wild. Like the time I did the cinnamon challenge and coughed puffs of powdery puffs into the pale moon light™ *Élégance: elegant. Like the lands of Gods and Monsters™ *Crasse: crass. Like the angels looking to get fucked hard™ *Démodé: out of style. Like Lana’s boyfriend who’s really cool, but not as cool as her. *Fabuleux: fabulous. Like Lana Del Rey™ *Magique: magic. Like a red party dress™
Issue 158, November 2014
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Public Safety Fall Style Guide by Heather Levinsky
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NONSENSE: The Fall Issue
What the hell is up, Hofstra? It’s Heather Levinsky back again with another style guide for you all! I’m even more qualified for the position of Fashion Writer now that I own a pair of Versace pants. I bought them at Unique for $10 because Unique rules. Today i’m here to talk to our boys & girls in blue here at Hofstra, There’s been much talk of law enforcement brutality in the news recently. What better way for your citizens to regain faith in you than by re-vamping your entire look? Rip off those nametags and let’s get started!
First things first: Get rid of those hideous khakis. Those fits are poor af, bruh. Trade in those baggy Jack-Blackin-School-of-Rock pants for some nice tapered jeans. In fact, go the extra mile and get yourself a nice pair of selvedge raw denim. You’ll find that your fades will be much sicker. “The Jeans Are Good.”
nope!
dope!
This fall season, ditch those polos. There are so many more ways for you to communicate “I am a nerd ass but I am still in charge of you.” Maybe look on eBay and get a sweet retro 90s sweatshirt from some mountain resort you’ve never been to. The key word here is “normcore.” Oh, there’s still the matter of “still in charge.” Uh, carry a gun?
yuck!
sick!
Student public safety is a whole different matter. You’re young, vibrant. You haven’t accidentally “committed” any “crimes” yet. Take some liberties with your uniform - but not too many. Liberty is NOT what law enforcement is about. Instead, try wearing your finest Jordans with those raw denim khakis. Oppress your peers with SWAG. Flaunt that “Student Public Safety” jacket. That shit is ELITE. You have POWER over people now. The blue vinyl will BREAK THE WILL OF THE DISOBEDIENT. Let the block yellow letters STRIKE FEAR INTO THE HEARTS OF THE SUBMISSIVE. That shit speaks for itself.
The most stylish thing you can do for yourself, however, is not a choice of clothing. It’s more of a lifestyle/ideology choice. The most important thing for you as a Hofstra PSafe Officer to do is to stop giving us all writeups for “marijuana odor.”
yeoo! Issue 158, November 2014
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Humans of Hofchella By Zachary Johnson and Tyler Barragan
In light of the festivities held by good ol’ Hofstra U each Fall, Nonsense Humor Magazine decided to forever eternalize the events of HofChella 2014. As always, we ask all the important questions, and receive all the best answers. The following interviews are 100% real and 100% vegan.
POTENTIAL CANNIBALS As field reporters Ty “Dollaz” Barragan and Zachary “DTF” Johnson RAN FOR THEIR FUCKING LIVES, they pondered the humanity of it all. Is it so bad that we lose a few poor college students in this Capitalist society? Perhaps these Cannibals were in fact onto something…
“First off, where are the people? I need more people.”
CARNY WOMAN Providing a riveting commentary of the Capitalist system, this poor enslaved woman struggled to sit correctly with the immense gold-plated shackles wrapped around her midrift. Poor and downtrodden by society (no doubt enslaved by Lord Commander Stewart Rabinowitz) the only solace she seemed to be able to find was in the IMMENSE FUCKING DRAGON HITS she took off of her vape. “uh.. uh… the airballoon game” she said, clearly unable to form coherent sentences after the grueling months of being locked away under Hofstra House since last year’s HofChella 2013.
*takes amazing dragon hit off of vape* “I’m working in here.“
Nonsense Humor would like to remind you not to feel pity for slaves of the capitalist system, for pity is a useless emotion that in no way contributes to the furthering of one’s wealth.
TWO UNSUSPICIOUS HOFSTRA FEMALES Curious about the nature of this “Zipper”, we here at Nonsense Humor put our Pop Culture experts onto the hunt. The findings were shocking.
“I’m so excited… the Zipper, I gotta do it.“
Using a discreet Pop Culture Terms and Slang database (otherwise known as “Urban Dictionary”) we found out the following about “Zipper”
Additionally, this database told us that zipper could also refer to an individual who performs the act of “zipestra”, and that a “zipper” is often “the thing that gets in the way when ur masterbating in class and the teacher comes around.” Does God perform Zipestra on unwilling victims? What is Zipestra? Why are these young folks so interested in “doing” the “Zipper?” Stay tuned readers.
We are currently unaware of what “Zipestra” is, nor are we any closer to understanding how the “Zipper” can act as both a death trap and a hinderance to human self-pleasure, but further research showed us that there may, in fact, be many more applications of the “Zipper.” “Zipper” appears to also be a “slang” term for “taint” “coochie” or “grundle”, being the place where, according to Urban Dictionary curator “Von Sauce,” GOD HIMSELF “zipped” you up.
THEY’RE DANCERS, DON’T YOU KNOW?
“We performed.” “We’re on Imani so we performed earlier.”
HOFSTRA’S RESIDENT DOUCHEBAGS “Imma bring you to Hofstra real quick. The fucking flat chicks hibernate during the winter. And the ugly chicks be out like all the time. And these rides, like what are these rides? Sucks yo, I waited like two hours for the fucking Zipper. Go down to Coney Island and you wait like ten minutes…. This food sucks more dick than gay guys in the village. This shit is terrible.” Providing a stellar interview, Hofstra’s Resident Douchebag #1 (pictured left) shed some light on some interesting topics. First and foremost we are delighted to receive more information about “Zipper.” KTizzle4Shizzle, Urban Dictionary scholar, informed us that Coney Island, is in fact a rare condition in which breasts appear to be “conelike” with “sharp, pointed nipples” and is often seen in “Belgian beauties.” Where this fits in to the overall confusing puzzle, we do not yet know.
Yes, that’s fine, I’ll just wait here as you BOTH shamelessly plug an advertisement for your dance club into this heartfelt, grass-fed, free-range, all-organic interview, thereby providing a commentary on the corporatization of America, the rampant destructive capabilities of Capitalism, and, indirectly, the American Dream, which continues to decay by the hour like a blonde white girl who needs to re-dye her roots.
More importantly, however, Douchebag #1 helped to clarify something else. In order to better illustrate his bountiful knowledge, we have compiled a short graph, seen in Figure A. As the professional graph clearly illustrates, our Resident Douche is quite right. According to the 2010 U.S. Census data, Lackman Food services do indeed suck more dick than Gay Guys (from the Village), but both Gay Guys (from the Village) and the food here at Hofstra U pale in comparison to the amount of dick sucked by Resident Douchebag #1.
PROPONENTS OF HUMAN SLAVE TRAFFICKING
In response to a proposal to ship in drunk douchebags from Staten Island: “All the drunk guys walking around aimlessly... we need so many more of those.”
WE FOUND SOMEONE WHO WASN’T FUCKED UP
“I have not had anything to drink yet, but if you wanted to provide me with something I wouldn’t say no.”
THE INCREDIBLE NIPPLE “I find that the majority of the people here are inebriated… thank god.” “Well, Hofstra is a firm proponent of just all day debauchery.” “We are like vampires, we don’t like venturing out into the daylight.”
THOSE KIDS WHO SIT ON THE GROUND BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK STANDS ANYMORE (possible Zipper participants) “Flower Crowns? I don’t think Long Island can handle that… We’re too hard for that shit.”
ZIPPER VOYERISM STRIKES About “Zipper” for the first time: “I wanted to like piss my pants… but to be fair… I don’t know I’ve always looked at it and thought it was really terrifying.” Here we go again readers. In this final installment of Humans of HofChella we appear to get ever closer to the bottom of the Zipper mystery. It seems clear now that the role of a voyeur in the act of “Zipper” is ever so important, but how? In what way? Still unsatisfied with our knowledge of “Zipper” our top scholars took the good knowledge search to the ever helpful databse of knowledge, Urban Dictionary.
It now seems that the entire puzzle is starting to make sense. God himself, the Divine Zipestra, not only hinders both the “wang” and public school masturbation, but additionally “zips up” unwilling victims in vile acts of BDSM. He is the voyer, the dominant participant, the ZIPPER. Near content with our findings, we so foolishly began mapping it all out. Our questions became ever closer to being answered, and held our research meetings late into the night, raucously debating these matters over a library table instead of an office desk (Thanks SGA!). We had thought perhaps we’d finally gotten it, we had thought perhaps we had all the answers, we had thought that maybe we knew it all. How wrong we were to make such assumptions. Our top scholars went back to books to double-check our meticulous research and came across the following results. What they discovered will shock you.
Finally the Japanese Internment camps during WWII begin to make a little more sense! Finally the revolts in Tiananmen Square become ever so more clear! Finally we understand the ways of the Eastern World like British Imperialists could only dream of, but with this realization comes more questions. Does this mean that God, our Divine Zipestra, is in fact FDR?! Were the attacks on Pearl Harbor merely an attempt of the repeatedly “zippered” Japanese to defy their Creator in a forceful rebellion with the hopes of finally freeing themselves from the BDSM tendencies of a cruel adolescent God? Is the Capitalist system in fact a ruse, used to explain the downtrodden lifestyles of the lower classes, when in reality they are sexual abuse victims of a tyrannic, incestuous creator? But more importantly… are these two college students secretly Asian, forcefully inducted into a cruel sexual relationship, or, in fact, the second coming of Lord Christ FDR himself? Our top scholars at Nonsense will continue working around the clock to bring you these answers as the mystery unfolds.
OUT OF URANUS by Zach Johnson & Trevor Parrish
So I was pitching new marketing ideas to my cat the other day, except, this time, it was different. I wasn’t high, drunk, or hopelessly depressed at the true, destructive extent of my heart-breaking and moderately pitiful isolation and general loneliness. No, rather, this time, I actually had an idea. Everyone likes pumpkin spiced lattes, right? Or, at least, I like to think most people do. My main problem is I always order more than I can actually finish, so, here I was, wondering how I could amend this problem. Order a smaller drink? Nonsense. This is America. Live life Venti. No, rather, I had the glorious idea for this wonderful little asshole-storage thermos. It works by converting the general heat and warmth of the anus, into a safe, heated thermos that keeps your latte warm all day. What? You don’t think my asshole’s hot enough? Coffee is brewed at like 195 degrees Fahrenheit, which is totally fine, because last time I went-a-probing with my thermometer I found out my asshole just barely scrapes 200 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s too hot, you say? Well of course. The host body I reside in only averages about 90.8 degrees Farenheit. It’s why my residency won’t be lasting very long before I explode and exude my eggs and general mucus all over the nearest human beings. Probably around age 27, but I’m hoping I can at least make it until 30. Not because I like living in this human body, but because, well, the thought of exploding is so scary to me. I never asked to live in this body, to be honest, but I was systematically chosen by the draft back on planet 22507 XYK, and I’ve been here ever since. You should’ve seen the guy’s body I took. He cried like such a little bitch as I wrapped my milking-tentacles firm around his prostate.
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NONSENSE: The Fall Issue
Which, speaking of putting things in your asshole, brings me back to my thermos idea. You just funnel the coffee in the thermos when you’re ready to leave Starbucks, and put it right up your ass. You’ll probably wanna let it sit for a few hours and let the thermos heat up enough so that your coffee is at just the right temperature though. Be careful, however, to not lodge the thermos too tightly up against your prostate. I’ve never had my prostate milked before, so I can’t really say how it’d feel, but I have milked my host body’s prostate. His asshole—now mine, I guess—has never really been the same since I crawled inside and invaded his body cavity. To be quite honest, that shit is kind of terrifying. I don’t really support body invasion. It’s not really ethical. (Neither is setting my cat on fire when it unrolls all the toilet paper, but nobody’s perfect I guess.) I’d never want to do this to somebody else, but, since I was drafted and all, I didn’t really have a choice. Now that I’m here though, I might as well enjoy as much of this ““human existence”” as I can. One of my favorite parts of that is Pumpkin Spice Latte Season (otherwise known as ““Autumn”” by the natives). Real talk through, PSLs were totally designed to secretly provide Alien Invaders with essential multi-vitamins. We made a contract with the White House back in like, probably 62, I’d say? I was always really bad at History, but I think it was sometime around there… way before I was born. But yeah, your government totally sold you out to profit off of my race, and that started with the propagation of Pumpkin Spice. Why do you think all the white girls line up at the campus Starbucks every Fall Morning? I’ll tell you it’s not just because Pumpkin Spice is fucking amazing. White girls are the easiest targets for Alien Invasion. I was bad at Science too, so I can’t really tell you why that is. But anyways, back to my incredible burning-cat-approved Rectal Thermos™. This thing is fucking rad. It comes with a free enema so you don’t get human feces all over your thermos, AND, if you buy two of them you get a free, smaller one for your cooch too. Honestly it’s the best deal I’ve seen all day, and, believe me, I’ve observed plenty of your human-infomercial culture.
A Letter From My 15-yr-old Cousin
Basically, my fucking 15-yr-old cousin, Cody, begged me to let her contribute to the magazine or else she’d let my parents know I dropped out of Hofstra last semester. Thanksgiving is already enough of a shit show and she also has a dope bud connect so here’s what the fuck she has to say...
Ah yes it is I.
Me, and my Nirvana shirt.
My red flannel goes v good w/my red lipstick I obtained from my mother.
My ripped high waisted shorts give me the perfect, sexy-yet-blunt camel toe,
big enough to get the boys, yet small enough for my dad to not notice. My mom
keeps telling me my pussy is eating fabric but she gave me this problem to begin with, so shut the fuck up, Donna.
My white hightop converse may imply I listen to The Ramones, ever hear
of them? Mmm didn’t think so. Speaking of great bands nobody knows, The Bea-
tles are getting tattooed over my ribcage in 2.5 months once my left boob finally folds over my rib (so i can hide it from my dad, just like my camel toes)
When I get home after a long day of sucking dick & blogging floral prints on
tumblr.com I enjoy doing my sophomore English homework, my teacher is mean she dumb as fuck.
She doesn’t understand that fan fiction about Kurt Cobain is appropriate,.
She acts as if she has never touched her saggy aureolas to Smells Like Teen
Spirit, more like Smells like cum after I listen to that song every day when I get up.
This one time I sucked my friend DJ Darkflow’s dick to Come as you are,
and when he came, I told him that he came as he was. When he came on my
face he fucked up my winged eyeliner which took me 6 plays of Heart Shaped Box to perfect.
Unfortunately Dj Darkflow wasn’t having it that day, he wiped himself up with
my favorite #4 nirvana shirt and dropped it by my 2nd favorite eyeliner pen I got at savers. Sometimes when sending snapchat nudes i’ll throw on my flower crown to imply i am in fact a vegetarian.
Prior to giving head to DJ Darkflow I tried to get my own head into the
game by smoking this stuff called “Weed” my mom says it’s evil, but so was her soul for birthing me with depression so fuck her. I put my “weed” in a “pipe”
I found in my grandfathers knife droor and went to town on that “weed”. When
I am high I feel as if I am one with Kurt cobain, putting feminism aside, I can fuck kurt cobain in my head. I love flannels, Cody <3 <3 <3
Issue 158, November 2014
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