What to EXPECT
When you’re ELECTING
A Clinton Presidency
NONSENSE HUMOR MAGAZINE Issue 164B
November 2016
Staff Editors-in-Chief
Heather Levinsky, B.F.A. The Good Sis Zachary Johnson
Contents Front Cover
Hayley Blomquist
Page 3
“What’s Changed?” Roundtable
by Nonsense Staff
Assistant Editor
Mailbag by Nonsense Staff
Ashley “Between Two Verns” Vernola
Head Writer
Matthew “Cat” Tanzosh
Design Director
Gillian “Thank you. Just thank you.” Pitzer
Page 4
“I’m Your Friend” by James Sweeney
Page 5
“The Clinton Presidency: A Two Year Retrospective”
Art Director
Friendly Joseph Kolb
Business Manager
by Jordan Hopkins “Horoscopes by Hillary” by Samantha Nicholson Art by Samantha Nicholson
Page 6
Peter Spicy
Faculty Advisor
Amy “Sorry we forgot to email you back” Karofsky
Page 7
“Mysterious Fire” by Veronica Toone Art by Gillian Pitzer
Page 8
“Flip Flopper Alert” by Solange Luftman
Page 9
“Clinton Museum” comic by Joseph Kolb “Pills” comic by Skylar LeFevers “After The Debate” comic by Heather Levinsky
Copy Editors
Coin Busselin The Mack Caldwell Sports Center Ashley Vernacular
Contributors
Other Members
Solange “She Better Not” Luftman Ariel Leal Veronica “Joni” Toone Aaron Ramjit Jesse “Tatted” Saunders Nirvana Narayan James Sweenus Courtney Richmond Dakar “I Don’t Know Her” Morris Ben Fletcher Bethany “Bananas Foster” Toby *extremely Toby voice* Jaffe Tribeca Parrish Erik “Trashman” Thorstenn Hayley Joel Blomquist Daniel Nguyen Meme “Austin Van Schaick” Trash Annika Ohta Samantha Nichol, Son! Victoria Jenkins Jordan “Messy” Hopkins Emily Hart Skylar Le “Fever - Carly Rae Brenna Lily Jepsen (2016)” Maasai Jones James Factotum Nailah Andre Sam Thot Helen Porskova Noah “Emily Lowe Hall” Jacob Roday Rojanaye “On The Daley” Michael Checco Averie “Lichtenstein” St.Germaine Jon Harrity Liam Leary Nick Osbahr
Page 10
Crossword Puzzle by Zachary Johnson “Are You Bigoted Enough?” by Peter Soucy
Page 11
“How Bernie Can Still Win” by Jesse Saunders Art by Gillian Pitzer
Page 12
Art by Averie St.Germaine
See Side A for our projections of a Donald Trump Presidency!
Disclaimer Nonsense Humor Magazine is Hofstra’s only intentional humor magazine. Please don’t take any advice from us, because we don’t know what we’re talking about. The views expressed herein do not necessarily represent the views of Hofstra University. Any likenesses to people existing or fictional are purely coincidental. Nonsense Humor Magazine is not responsible for any existential fears of what is yet to come, angry political rants centered around the depressing and unsatisfying nature of this election and the candidates we have managed to produce, or uncontrollable nervous laughter in spite of the seriousness of real situations that carry a heavy, dire weight.
2
What’s Changed Since
n o t n i l C y r a l Hil
Became President?
National Anthem
Tropical House Remix of the Broad City Theme Song
Flag
One of those Georgia O’Keefe paintings that’s definitely not a vagina.
Color
Everything is pink BECAUSE she’s a girl. lol
Border Status
First Meal in the White House
Animal
First Scandal
Most Shocking Cabinet Member (The answer will shock you)
First Tweet
“s’alright”
Cream of Wheat (w/ Hot Sauce),
Cougar
Did not watch the show.
... Tim Kaine
First Act
“Just don’t drive”, “It’s fine if other countries do it, but I don’t want you losing your brain cells.”, “Yes but only in the house.”
Scene 1 Interior Oval office day. No, just kidding again. We like jokes here. We knew what you meant when you said act. I mean I guess Bernie Goes Guantanamo does kind of sound like a movie.
Location of the White House
First Veto
Marijuana Legalization Status
Seneca Falls
Accidentally sharing a spam link for Raybans or something.
First Bill Vetoed - Clinton
Mailbag I’m racist, is that okay? Shhhh.
Fuckin’ Hillary? Yeah, now.
I sent this to you through email, so are you going to delete it? This was a dumb question so yes. We are not Hillary.
What’s Bill Clinton up to?
Gay President next?
Ambassador to some South Korean High School
Can women still vote? What? We already did, look
Yaaaaas qween.
Are women’s rights done? Have we reached equality? I don’t see why not. *shrug*
3
†
I’m Your Friend ¢
My Friends, I am sitting in my leather rolling throne, writing to you now because I don’t know what else to do. I am holding back a scream. I am your friend, and I need you, and you aren’t here.. I am sick in your absence. I am trying to be strong, but it is hard. We are friends – all of us – and yet you are all together, and I am apart, and I am absolutely sick. If you are reading this, then you should already understand. You know that we are a close-knit circle of many friends, and so you know that I am not just being my usual funny self when I write to you and tell you that I need you to come to me and help me. Come see me at my address, which is 42 Pennsylvania Way, the White House. Ask for Hillary I have many issues that I would like to tell you about, but you have to promise not to tell anybody except for the other friends in our circle. That’s a lot of people, and I know we will all enjoy the discussion, except I will not because I have many issues affecting my emotions. You are my friends, and so you know when I’m sad. You know when I’m sad because I will – when I am happy I will – I will finish some sentences with a sound like this! I’ll do some of these! Some exclamations. But I can only exclaim one sound right now: a single scream, so low that it only reaches my friends in the oceans and other places down below. I will get into the problems that I’m having shortly, but first I want to pretend you are with me. I cannot take the time that we are apart from each other. I miss you. I want to ride atop your shoulders. I want to wade amongst your starving masses. It is 1975 and I am suddenly back at the Steely Dan concert. A man has pulled my breast out for a brief taste, but I wish to be devoured whole. Perhaps you know where this is going, perhaps you do not. That’s okay. Either way, it is time for the pledge: I am a Friend. I am a Good Friend, and I will stay this way for as long as I know Her. For as long as She is my Friend, I will take care of Her, just as She has taken care of me. I will hear Her scream and I crawl on bare knees across hot coals to find Her. Am I A Loyal Friend? Am I A Loyal Friend? I pledge to be – for Hillary – a Friend Until the End. Am I A Friend with Heart? Am I A Friend with Heart? I pledge to be – for Hillary – A Friend Who Does Their Part. I’m With Her Say it out loud now, just as you would if you were here with me. Pretend I am watching, and I will smile my smile steady and wide as if you are living between the cracks of my teeth.
I will explain my issues, and so you will know how to help me. Here is what I have to say: Some of the drawers on this desk are very heavy, and I want to say something about it, but some of these people can’t be trusted. If you’re walking around the inside of my walls, trying to get me to crawl in again, you’re probably not somebody I can confide in. I’ve learned. I have a tickle in my throat. I would like a glass of water, but the water they put in my glass tastes bad. The water in this house has bad minerals in it – toxic minerals. These minerals – the taste in my mouth from them – these minerals are no good. When I lived here before, I had my own bottled water (This was when water was cheap). One night, I was very thirsty and got up for a drink. I went into the big kitchen, but Al was there; it seemed he was always there at night. “Up for some water?” he asked me, smirking. That was when Al was happiest, before the world got hot. “I was. But now, I think I will pull out my breast.” I said this back to him, he paused, and I continued pulling out the breast that was once claimed by Daryl Hall, and then later by his friend and partner, John Oates. This moment of infidelity continues to haunt me. My heart is simply too big to move on from this, my one great mistake. Do any of my friends know hypnotism? Do any of my wonderful friends know the Keys to Forgetting? I am missing somebody, but I am unsure of how to reach out. E-mail seems impersonal, and the many people who dress me in the morning have told me not to use it. It is hard to always be connecting when time has made looking at each other more difficult, but the sky is far from it’s brightest at this moment. It will be much brighter soon. Ideally I would like to hear somebody’s voice, but I also do not want to see their lips. Only in my mind would I like to see their lips. In my mind I can always see a smile. I have decided I will use the phone. What has happened to the man who used to work in this house? He lived near the door and whispered little-known facts to me. He was one of my friends. “President Eisenhower couldn’t swallow liquids,” he would say to me. “Eisenhower knew about the minerals.” His name was Scott and he was KoreanAmerican. He was born in St. Louis. I would like to call him. Friends, I know you will help me. I know you will seal your lips in hot wax if I ask. You are all so talented. You are all so important to me and because I am just like you, I will say to you what I have always wanted to hear from one of my friends:
Your friendship is a blessing. You are loved and you are valued. You are integral to the prosperity of this country. You are funny and you make the people around you forget their bad feelings. You are fashionable. You are self-aware and people admire you for this. When you are not around, all of your friends talk about how impressive you are. When you are not around, everybody misses you. Sometimes we talk about how you might die some day – how you will die some day, eventually – and we get upset, and we talk about what we would say at your funeral. We would discuss your loyalty, and leadership capabilities, and your lifelong battle against the odds to achieve all that you have. We would note how you looked so good for your age, even towards the end, and how your smile never ceased to inspire envy. We would reminisce on your rambunctious attitude – so polarizing and infectious. And the pride you had for your father who was a hard working minister of drapery, as well as a town selectman before he killed that dog with a shovel. Imagine I am saying this to you and smile together. Stand up, wherever you are, and smile. Don’t be shy – you’re among friends. You’re always among friends now. I am smiling too. I am imagining that you all are saying those kind words to me! You are harmonizing. Scott is there with you, and he has placed me on speaker phone. I am screaming and I am crying, and Scott is crying too. We are all wet with tears, and we are all harmonizing. It sounds good, like a chorus of angels crying over the phone. I see and hear all of this in my head, a beautiful movie not unlike What Dreams May Come starring Robin Williams. Tears are running down my cheeks now, but I am no longer sad. I am thinking of my friends. I am thinking of the people I love, and how they love me. My eyes are closing and I must stop writing. I am ready to see you. I am ready to give everything I have to be with you. I am ready to be a part of you now. You need not come to me, friends. I was wrong to ask so much. I was wrong to demand. It is not necessary now; I am on my way to you. To all of you. It’s time, Tim. Everything has happened just the way I said it would. This new world will be yours now. This future we dreamed up together – for how long did we dream of this? It seemed impossible and inevitable, and it is both. Enter the codes, Tim. Enter the codes and deliver us into our beautiful tomorrow.
†
¢
The
Clinton A Two-Year Retrospective
By Jordan Hopki
ns
I
t’s been two years since Hillary Clinton took office as the first female president of the United
Presidency
presidency provides us hardworking satirists to feed my crippling oxycodone dependency. I mean,
States. Halfway through her first term, the world Hillary Clinton has formed in her image has proven to be...a little vanilla. Not bad, mind you! Just...a little dull. Like, the free world isn’t being pulled apart like
come on, Hillary. That high-school affair with Mike Pence? Hardly a scandal, not enough to pay my bills, anyway. I can barely afford to heat my third condo, let alone feed myself. I owe $330,000 to loan sharks
silly putty by an angry toupeed cheeto man, so that’s cool or whatever. But it’s been slow. Like, really,
for betting on a Trump presidency. Last week they came and broke both my legs. Would you deny a
really slow. Molasses slow. Old people fucking slow. Which is fine, I guess.
man in a wheelchair, Hillary?
But listen. I’m a satirist. I thrive on stupidity. I was
I’m not saying go crazy, just mix it up a little okay? A scandal here, a cover-up there - I mean
counting on Trump winning. That asshole cashed my paychecks for a year during the election. I was
let’s be real, Hillary. I know emails aren’t the only skeletons hiding in your closet- I’m not asking
content, happy even. The wife and I bought a house in the Hamptons, a nice new car, put both the kids through college. I did more cocaine in those eighteen
for much, just enough to get your old buddy back on his feet, ey? Ya gotta gimme something. Just a little content, just enough to hold me over until
months than I did in five years of law school. It was all “100”, as the kids say.
the next election cycle. That’s not a whole lot to ask, is it? Just a little hit, just a tiny little scandal,
Then Hillary, that shit, goes and gets herself elected. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that, huh? I haven’t had a scoop in weeks. All she does is sit there, in that stupid round office, making sound policy choices and consulting with experts in their fields about important and pertinent issues. What’s the fuckin› deal with that, Hillary?
a misprint in a press release, something! Come on, Hills. I’m beggin’ ya here. After all, aren’t we supposed to be Stronger Together?
Your complete lack of violent unpredictability is running me out of a goddamn job. My wife left me. I haven’t seen my kids in weeks. I’m barely making enough off the scraps of ‘scandal’ that the Clinton
5
Horoscopes By Hillary
Aries
You call it an independent personality; I call it a Republican filibuster in the making. Take it down a notch, reassess the situation, and grow a pair. Congress isn’t your glory hole, despite your senatorial work.
Taurus
Like my father, you are brazen, stubborn, and true. You’re deft with your hands and spin some mean fucking yarn. Embrace your identity as human capital and the doors will open for you.
Gemini
Three hops this time and then a slide to the left. If you’re into child-proof house party jams, which you are, things will look up this week.
Cancer
“Yes. Yes, yeah, mmm, oh yeah. Yes.”
Leo
You’re on a roll this month. College campuses fear you for that slick jimmy in your pants. We’re all rolling in pain here, absolute agony. The intern from Jersey is on fire and, like the judges, we honestly don’t know what to condemn you for this week.
Virgo
There might be some pressing issue on your mind, Virgo, that you need to get off your chest. As your astrologist, I suggest unbuttoning your shirt to relieve the pressure. If your opinions still persist, start a petition.
ABOUT YOUR ASTROLOGIST
Libra
This week, you are the embodiment of the justice system. You are the law - the judge, jury, and verdict, all in one. There are tears, Libra, falling on this paper as I write, seeping into the thousand-dollar cherry wood and priceless oval office carpeting beneath my feet. I’m mildly impressed.
Scorpio
There’s something sexy about a Scorpio sun; take it from the Scorpio herself. Stay away from poultry and gluten for a while and avoid too much ibuprophen.
Sagitarius
Career advancement is in the air. In the words of Australian hip hop artist, Azalea Banks, “you can hate it or love it; hustle and the struggle is the only thing I’m trusting.”
Capricorn
Where do you usually find Capricorns? Ikea? The dentist? Subtly scented department stores? This week you’ll find yourself in the political arena, my little cornball. Buckle up and keep the memes in check for me. ;^)
Aquarius
Has love got you down recently? My crystal ball says there will be relief soon, but my gut says it’s time for the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors... either way, Queen Mother Clinton’s got your back.
The only reason Pisces exist is because Congress told the Hillar(it)y Team we couldn’t change the number of months in the year. Keep this in mind! You can veto a proposal; you can’t veto an idea.
Hillary Rodham Clinton has been an avid supporter of divination, particularly star mapping and palm reading, since the start of her political career during her sophomore year of college. As prior U.S. Senator (2001-2009) and Secretary of State (2009-2013), she’s been noted by the general astrologist community for her clear cut, no nonsense attitude concerning divination and politics: “I’m not saying palm readings are for white people; it’s just that the lines on colored hands confuse me.” As current President of the United States, her goal as an astrologist is to not only involve the Hillary team in the private lives of a small percentage of citizens but relate to the people of the United States on a deeply intimate and wholesome level. “How am I to be your President if I can’t be your friend? Friends share their horoscope. Presidents become your horoscope.” 6
Pisces
Mysterious Fire at FOX New York Headquarters After Clinton Victory Really Just Ann Coulter “At It Again” By Veronica Toone, Nonsense Humor Updated 3:11 PM ET, Wed November 9, 2016
site during the incident, expressed his desire for a “bucket of popcorn” so he had “something to eat during the show.” FOX personality and anchor, Bill O’Reilly, asserted his exasperation during the event, stating on-air that: “…Oh, she’s done this before. Remember when Obama won the 2012 election? She pulled this little stunt. She’ll be reborn out of the ashes like a little racist phoenix in no time. Can someone get on locking [her ashes] up in a box or something[?]...the smell is unbearable. And can someone get me a coffee?”
(New York, NY) – FOX commentator and renowned swamp hag, Ann Coulter, mysteriously and spontaneously burst into flames yesterday while on-air at the FOX headquarters in New York. Witnesses report Coulter vibrating aggressively before suddenly catching on fire after hearing of Hillary Clinton’s victory over Donald Trump in the general election. Coulter was stationed in New York to offer her…opinions…during the election coverage. The flames began at Coulter’s feet, but quickly travelled up her emaciated carcass and swallowed her whole. “…She just went up faster than a bag of dry leaves covered in gasoline. Bitch just lit up like it was the fourth of July. You know those Halloween videos where they have skeletons on fire? Did you ever see The Mummy? She looked like that…” Members of the FOX news team described Coulter’s burning body as, “beginning to shrivel and curl, like a bigoted piece of paper.” However, they were dispassionate as they watched Coulter burn and decided to continue on with the day’s news. Reporter Juan Williams, who was on-
Ann Coulter has released several books since she was first freed from the Tomb of the Four Crystals in the year 1403. According to lore, she has been known to, “haunt the nightmares of man and god.” “… [All sic] The wytch Coulter is free`d and makes known her stanse on the discrimination of men, but she is overturnèd and so the fyres doth consume her…she is chain`d in the prison of crystal ‘til she is free`d once more! She trys to repeal the Amendment Nineteenth so women and her kin no longer can vote! Yea, her hatetred of soccer is known, for she fears the Communists…Her love grew strong for the man call`d Bill Maher…the two begin theyr affair under the covers of the dark, and theyr sinful ways are known to all that know them. But they that call themselv`s, ‘comedians’ did drag her, and yea, they did roast her…” Ann Coulter’s remains will be locked in a box made of obsidian and jade and will be moved to the mythical Temple of the Skull for all eternity, or until the next time someone adorns a racist Halloween costume. Then, and only then, will she return to the world of Men. 7
Flip Flopper Alert By Solange Luftman
The Article Hillary Clinton
Doesn’t Want you to See!
Over the weekend, President Hillary Clinton decided to pay a visit to the iconic establishment, “Heaven’s Slice,” in New York City. As reporters swarmed the scene and prompted Hillary with dozens of questions about her food choices that afternoon, she proclaimed adamantly that she would only try one slice of, “Heaven’s Slice” pizza because she had eaten a, “rather large breakfast.” When she was finished, Hillary then retracted her earlier statement saying, “who am I kidding? One slice was simply not enough for this amazing place. I’ll have another!” An email sent to her daughter Chelsea was later discovered exposing that Hillary had in fact had not one, not two, but THREE slices that afternoon. Amazing. President Clinton may have enjoyed the pizzeria but she didn’t make her intentions clear from the start. Time and time again, Mrs. Clinton has showcased her flip-flop nature and sadly, it will only continue. One can only hope that the next person to take the Oval Office will be sure about how many slices of pizza they would like to eat, and will also add garlic knots on the side. This scandal unsurprising occurs days before Wikileaks dropped a massive email dump, revealing Hillary Clinton’s master plan: the HC-Ultra mind control program. You can read the email for yourself, or whatever. President Clinton’s plan to control the general population with experimental mind altering substances, along with her recent ‘lax’ view on drugs, are just petty distractions—unlike like the pizza, which is the only evidence that should be required to determine that Hilieroni Clintaroli is unfit for office. She lied. She said she would have one, but she had more. Hillary Clinton dreams of an America completely under her control. One where she can show up at Pizzeria’s and eat 4 slices without anyone thinking to judge her or captioning online photos with, “fatty,” “Whale-ary,” and the like. And sure, she killed Honduras. But I digress. Hillary held a press conference to address the concerns of the American people. In the middle of her speech, President Clinton said something very interesting, “America is facing a mental health crisis, and I want Americans to have access to the very best methods of treatment. If the research proves itself, maybe we can all come together as one and mend the restless minds of those who need it.” 8
Come together as “one?”, “Mend the restless minds?” The subtext is clear. Hillary Clinton wants to create a meek band of followers to push along her agenda and to divert attention from her horrid actions. Yeah, maybe she is legitimately concerned about our nations mental health. Sure. I’ll bite. Or perhaps it is a smokescreen, designed to hide her doughy indiscretions in plain (with extra sauce) sight! Just like Wikileaks, which has clearly been under her dominion all along. A country that thinks as one is not the America I want to live in! What about freedom? What about choice? What about publicly bashing Shrillary? These are virtues Hillary Clinton has never valued. I encourage all readers to be mindful of security hacks in their computers and mobile devices. I fear that after this is published, I may disappear. Does this sadden me? Not in the slightest. Losing my life at the expense of saving the American public is the most noble sacrifice I could ever dream of. Stay well my friends and (maybe) farewell.
Hillary, we see you.
Comics
9
CrossWord Puzzle 1.
Relatable
2.
Voted “Most Like You” in high school
3.
The one who has been making the best sauce
4.
Did NOT kill Honduras.
5.
Chosen by God themself to rule until the end of time, or nuclear warfare.
6.
The one who your abuela calls. The one who your abuela knows. She is just like your abuela.
7.
The maker of fine crafts, the giver of gifts, the one with many names. She moves like a shadow. She is soft as a dance. Who is she, precious puzzleslave? Do you know who she is? She is not a person who would be being the doing the killing of the Honduras.
8.
Fun!
9.
Great on the dance floor.
10. A good crossword puzzle maker. 11. Maybe killed a little bit of Honduras. 12. What’s really so bad with some dead Honduras, pray tell? 13. Your president, who you could not impeach even with all the armies of the world, even if she totally and completely did the killing of Honduras.
Answers:
14. Hillary Clinton
Are You
Bigoted Enough to Run the
Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave? 2. What is your Halloween Costume this year?
Ever wonder if you’ve got what it takes to persuade 78% of America that you’re relatable and bigoted just like them? Well we here at Nonsense have put this little questionnaire together to help you sort out just how bigoted you are. Maybe you’ll learn something about yourself along theway. Like that one time you got aroused during Ice Age: The Meltdown.
1. A hispanic man says to you, “Hello.” What is your response?
A. “Hello” B. “Hola” C. “Did you just assume my language?” D. Offer him a piece of dried fruit
If you chose B, then you got it! You know he’s just saying “Hello” because he just started learning English and is trying to get some practice in. DO NOT let him practice his English. It will only make him one step closer from stealing your job at DOW Jones.
A. Spooky, pointed-head, ghost B. Native American C. Colin Kaeprenick’s knee cap D. A piece of dried fruit Of course the answer is C! Kneecapping is not outdated and is a very fair punishment for this famous man who dared defy this great country! As a protest for Kaepernick’s much needed kneecapping, we will fill Hallow’s Eve with man, white man dressed as his severed knee cap. A DIY costume everyone will love.
3. How spicy do you want your Special K cereal?
A. Yes, thank you B. Very spicy indeed C. No spice, no milk, just dry D. Juice me up, baby Obviously the answer is C. What man stoops so low as to eat anything with diary in it? Milk comes from the females and it makes my colon runnier than Usain Bolt on a Tuesday (his toughest day of training). Scientists have proven time and time again that spicy food was created by Obama in 2007 as a way to brainwash the populous to become Thai-loving vegans. Stick to bland, boiled, chicken and steamed beans like God hath intended.
4. I went down by the river, the river, the river. Down by the river and what did I find?
A. My son’s cold dead mangled body. My baby boy. B. The river C. My peace with God D. Definitely not my hidden dried fruit storage bunker The answer is B.
5. Scenario: You’re the President on Air Force
One, and it’s taken over by Russian spies. They captured your family. You have already used an escape-pod. Unknown to the spies, you are Vietnam War veteran and Medal of Honor recipient. You have remained hidden in the cargo hold instead of using the pod. What is your next move?
A. Kill all the spies, narrowly escape a missile, save your family, and be tethered into safety B. Actually use the escape pod. My kids are assholes and my marriage is loveless C. ISIS was behind the whole thing D. Isn’t this the plot to Air Force One (1997) starring Harrison Ford? The answer is C. Obviously any attack, against any American, anywhere, can be traced back to ISIS. This is the attitude a President needs to have to get things done.
How
Can Still Win By Jesse Saunders
November 9th, 2016 Bernie can still win. He NEEDS to win. Don’t even say to me “he can’t win.” Because he can and all he needs is your vote. One vote can change the entire world. Just one vote… YOUR VOTE MAYBE? Hillary Clinton…. Not great…bad maybe? Sure bad. Everyone says it’s over, but OUR BOY BERNIE CAN STILL WIN. The election seems like it’s over, but I KNOW how to save us. Save us from not good Secretary of State and Grandmother Clinton. She thinks she can keep it hidden. She rigged the election. She stopped the 130,000 heroes that could have made him win in October. She killed Mike Pence. She is worse than not good. But, Bernie can still win. You CAN make him win. Bernie might be old. And he might be stubborn. And we may have received the results of the election yesterday. But, he can still win. There are rules. Rules to follow. Rules to break. So here’s how we win: You vote. You didn’t yesterday, well you voted for former New Mexico Governor and bad interviewer Gary Johnson which is the same thing. Not cool… Awful actually. Now Killary Clinton can shove her opponents down the well of shame to live forever with such famous losers as American hero and windsurfer, John Kerry. Bernie cared about you, he was going to give us all coupons to the GAP, we are American and love the GAP, but now if I want America’s favorite brand of clothing for a lower price I have to go to Old Navy, and he will be thrown into a well. Anyway so you didn’t vote. What if you did now? Useless you say? Not Useless. Useful in fact. So here’s how it is, you get another chance. One more chance to not vote for… Green Party
Alumni and small woman Jill Stein? Christ really? Ha. Bad choice Buddy… Bad. What’s the Green Party platform like? Tell me seven things from it right now. It’s nothing like Bernie’s plan to get rid of college debt and give every American ten dollars for their birthday. So Anyway remember that site? You know the site? The one with the black background and red text? Yeah, so beyond breaking the story about newly “elected” President Clinton, they are also having a poll today. So the poll. It asks about the Presidential Election, are you happy with it? You were Bernie or Bust for like five seconds before someone made a goddamn joke about Classical Performance Artist and Rockport native, Vermin Love Supreme, so I need your help again and vote in this poll. You are not happy… some say sad. You want Bernie to win… wait did you vote for Independent candidate, Republican leaning, Evan McMullen… we will discuss that another time. You will pick the answer “I am not Happy and I wish Bernie had won.” This is what you will do. So Polls. Polls, they stop Third Party candidates from bothering me. SO, you answer this poll, and then the fun really starts. Some say it’s over because the polls have been closed for more than 24 hours, and the American people have spoken, but Bernie “I am the hero” Sanders can be in the Oval Office still. I am about to let you into a little secret that Former President and artist of the hour, George W. Bush, once told me: Voting doesn’t actually matter. Well it does. But only for one person, and that person is you. I… don’t like you. I don’t want it to be you. I’d rather it be former First Lady and Human Moonbeam, Michelle Obama. But it is you. You are not good. But you can say us. You can make the man who promised to lend us all his Netflix passwords and also sing us to sleep using acclaimed Christmas songs such as “Holy Night.” This might seem suspect. It is not! Many presidents have kept this a secret, but now I am telling you, and you now know. BERNIE CAN STILL WIN, NOT LOSE, WIN. He just needs your support. If you vote in this poll instead of voting for… childhood icon and all around rodent, Micky Mouse? Yes? Sure? You can save our country. You can stop my childhood hero and the only candidate to admit things matter from the Well of Shame. Don’t stay home this day after election day, make your voice heard, Vote. 11