The SGA Issue

NONSENSE HUMOR MAGAZINE

The SGA ISSUE Issue 156

FEbruary 2014

TABLE OF CONTENTS

staff Editor-In-Chief

Front Cover Ana Davis Nonsense Ad pg. 2 Heather Levinsky Editorial pg. 4 Ana Davis Decorum Cologne Ad pg. 5 Ana Davis The Hofstra University Student Center Café: A Journal of a True Survivor pg. 6 Emily Guida SGA’s Steps to Maintaining Professional Relationships With Clubs pg. 8 Zach Johnson SGA Style Guide pg.10 Heather Levinsky Roll Out The Red Carpet pg. 12 Samantha Senicola SGA Conspiracy Theories pg. 13 Catherine Schmelter Why SGA Should Lose Its Office pg. 14 Matt Matusiak SGA Loses Their Office pg. 15 Heather Levinksy Obituaries pg. 15 Ana Davis Last Words From Matt pg. 16 Matt Matusiak Back Cover Heather Levinsky

Ana “Ana” Davis

Head Writer Matt “Where’s“ Matusiak

Editorial Assistant Emily “Gummi Bears“ Guida

Art Director Heather “Lewinsky” Levinsky

Content Manager Sam “Sambazone Semolina” Senicola

Business Editor Rachel “Looking For A Third” Hoerner

Web Editor Catherine “Surprise, Bitch” Schmelter

contributors Zach “Zim” Johnson Matt “Hot Dog” Tanzosh Solange “Knowles” Luftman Cody “Babysitter” Sullivan Marcus “Spree“ Reynolds Sam “Weed” Casadevall Matt “Meth” Hilerio John “Ceps” Culan Arman “Our Man” Serrado

Faculty advisor Amy Karofsky

NONSENSE HUMOR MAGAZINE is Hofstra’s only “intentional” humor magazine. We accept no responsibility for any hurt feelings. We meet once a week and produce 4 issues per semester. The views expressed herein do not necessarily represent the views of Hofstra University.

Any likeness to people existing or fictional is purely coincidental.

EDITORIAL Hello. Welcome to Nonsense Humor Magazine.

My name’s Ana Davis. You guys have never heard from me because this is the first issue we’re putting out with me as Editor-in-Chief. I became EIC the semester after what most of our staff would call a “gross, gross, stupid fucking time” for Nonsense. But, I stuck around and would you look at this thing we made.

You’ve probably seen some of our older issues lying around campus, in garbage cans, or on the way out of somebody’s hand into a garbage can. We’ve noticed this and we’re now saying no more. We also noticed that the “Student Government Association” better known as SGA, has depleted our funds to the point where print issues are no longer financially viable. So, here we are.

Put the iPad you got for Christmas to good use and flip through the first online only edition of Nonsense. You will also soon be able to read literally every issue of Nonsense ever in this same format.

Basically, for those of you who don’t know, we are the only intentional humor magazine on Hofstra’s campus and we’ve been here doing it for 30 years now. The Chronicle is steadily gaining speed behind us in the humor department though.

Hot features like “Overheard @ Hofstra”, “Best Dressed”, and my favorite, the public safety briefs, are pretty much funnier than any issue of Nonsense I can remember. Some of you may have recently read about us in said Chronicle in an article called “Nonsense Loses Its Office.” Yes, on February 20th, our fearless leaders in SGA chose to take away our office.

Long story short, we kept fucking up last semester while actively trying not to. SGA found a beer frozen in our fridge and a bunch of bogus violations and we didn’t take care of it fast enough, so they said “you guys don’t care”, I cried a bunch, we begged and pleaded like dogs and they took the office away.

We spent a lot of time upset and hurt about their decision but then quickly realized that we needed this. We spent a lot of time trying to live up to what Nonsense used to be and ignoring the fact that we are a different club now. Nonsense was mostly a bunch of smelly dudes who really liked making bad puns. Now we’ve got a bunch of hot young ladies running things and kids who have blown most of my expectations out of the water. Nonsense would be absolutely nowhere without sophomores, Emily Guida, Samantha Senicola, Catherine Schmelter, Rachel Hoerner, and freshman Heather Levinsky. They’re the true survivors of the storm that took place last year and I am so excited, honored, and blessed to continue on making new issues of this thing with them.

This issue is important to me because I had the wildest experience of my life creating it. I think I finally understand why this magazine exists and why this magazine will always exist at Hofstra. Sometimes, I can see the look in people’s eyes that says, “why do you even care at this point?” when I tell them I’m working on something for Nonsense. The answer to that question is that this fucking stupid thing is the only reason why I didn’t transfer after my first semester here. This is about getting up and doing something nobody really actually wanted or needed me to do. Nonsense could have died and nobody would’ve cared or noticed to be honest. But, this is about doing something that people are telling you is a waste because you believe in it and because you are proud of it. I can tell you all honestly from the bottom of my heart that this is the most special thing I’ve ever taken part in making at this university. All the creatures who have gotten me and this magazine to this point are special to me in so many ways that I cannot even begin to describe.

Thank you all and a special no thank you to everyone who is not down with the sickness.

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NONSENSE: The SGA Issue

DECORUM for men DECORUM for men

For the men who make all the rules.

The Hofstra University Student Center Café: A Journal of a True Survivor

By Emily Guida Day 1: Nonsense lost the office yesterday. As I strolled rather leisurely on down into the Student Center Café to partake in a hearty and delicious chicken burrito bowl (I wanted a burger, but it was fucking Steak Night), the reality of the fact that I could no longer go up to the Nonsense office to eat in peace slapped me so damn hard in the face. Where else was I supposed to eat this fucking lump of shit burrito bowl and watch YouTube videos with my Nonsense pals of Vine compilations, tiny Japanese snack food made out of powder and water, and Shoenice22? Was it all because of that cardboard candy cane decoration in the ceiling? Does SGA not have Christmas spirit? Do they hate Christians? Probably. Anyway, I digress. I was forced to sit in the cafeteria with the rest of the nasty ass vagabonds that inhabit Hofstra University. I decided to lay low, and sit all the way in the back by the giant windows overlooking the scenic Hempstead Turnpike. I sat at some fucked up table that had a checkers/chess board on it. Can you get checkers or chess pieces anywhere to actually play this crap or does Hofstra just want me to make believe that it’s fun and exciting? More on this later.

Day 3: Today an SGA member power-walked past me, sandwich in hand (oh, and you know they got dat pickle and chips), trying to go unnoticed out of fear of my uncontrollable wrath. Surely they were heading upstairs to eat in the clean and quiet environment of one of their several club offices, or as I like to call it, the SGA lunchroom. I’m sorry, that was quite insensitive of me. These other clubs here at Hofstra waiting patiently for a club office space need to really calm the fuck down and consider and appreciate the fact that our Student Government works harder than most at Hofstra. They deserve several places to gather, collaborate, and eat their lunch, as well as hang their heads in shame from the embarrassment of being a part of the biggest piece of shit organization at this University.

Day 6: Here I am again, eating in this disgusting disgrace of an eatery. I’m forced to sit here and try to eat this incredibly unsatisfying meal while making unnecessary eye contact with literally ever person I never wanted to see. Unlike in the office, I’m afraid these people will judge me for crying into my food or fixing a wedgie by vigorously sticking my hand down the back of my pants and picking my underwear out of my ass.

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NONSENSE: The SGA Issue

There are always piles of napkins left on every table and I am unsure of whether or not they had been used and refolded, or if the person that sat at the table before me over-estimated how much of a fucking gross ass mess they were going to make and graciously left them to me as a gift so I too could wipe the weird watery balsamic from my Nature’s Organic Grill stir fry off of my disgusting fucking mouth. There is what I believe to be some cheese stuck to the table. I spent $13 of my meal plan on a giant two-pound Rice Krispie Treat and ate nearly a quarter of it on my own. I want to call my mother and tell her that I love her. It is possible that I may be losing it.

Day 10: I am afraid the light has gone out of my life. I can feel my soul slowly disconnecting from my body. The spiritual and emotional posture of my being has been separated from the organic mass that is my lumpy female body. I often find myself on Thought Catalog and listening to strictly Death Cab for Cutie.

I fear that this is the end. Abraham Lincoln honestly said it best: “I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would be not one cheerful face on earth.

Whether I shall ever be better, I cannot tell, I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better it appears to me.” – Abraham Lincoln

Last night, our beloved Emily Rose Guida passed away in her sleep. She was

19 years old. Her memoir of struggle and loss will truly be an inspiration to us

all, as well as a reminder of the fragility of life. Her memory will live on in the hearts of the Hofstra community, as well as the rest of the world. Fuck you, SGA. Rest in Peace.

Issue 156, February 2014

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SGA’s Steps to Maintaining Professional Relationships with Clubs

6. As a true politician, your claims shouldn’t be substantiated by much. Just stand up, avoid eye contact, and projectile shit, right out of your mouth-hole.

Show these stoners that you’re capable of criticism and good at rejecting any feelings of empathy. Maybe your wealthy, absent parents will love you one day.

7. When a club has recently made an effort to care about things, use VIGOR and DEFIANCE to tell them that they don’t care—while you look t the floor for support! If you can’t see the scary people with piercings and colored hair, then they can’t see you!

8. Refuse these delinquents any items they might need (i.e. one fucking goddamn mothershitting printer). You need to spend this money on wholesome, moral things, like red carpets and glitter.

1. Before talking to a club, already make up your mind about what course of action to take. For example, let’s just say you’re short, female, have black curly hair, and are on the SGA board whilst discussing kicking a beloved humor magazine out of their office. You should definitely go into a meeting thinking “I want them out of that office.”

2. Always wear expensive suits and adopt a patronizing tone.

You are already an elected member of Congress. (Be sure not to scratch your Gucci loafers on the red carpet they roll out for you!

Mommy and Daddy paid a lot for their little ickle-Senator-kins!)

3. If there were prior issues with ineffective leaders of the club, now is the perfect time to take them out on the current members!

Make these fucking potheads pay, and like a true Congressmen, never hesitate to hold a grudge!

4. It is essential to delay the whole process by voting to vote on whether you can vote to debate about voting for a debate about whether or not it’s alright to vote for a debate about the club on trial. Waste as much time as possible.

5. When allowing the club a mere five minutes to make their case, ask the same question multiple times. Continue to ignore the answer. Repeat until satisfied.

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NONSENSE: The SGA Issue

9. Stress the length of relatively small periods of time by inserting meaningless anecdotes about your own life. They need to know how hard it was not seeing your girlfriend for a few weeks. If these hooligans can’t all magically transport back to Hofstra to move a micro-fridge while you deal with the aching pains of a heart broken by distance, then by all that is virtuous they deserve to lose their office!

10. Weigh your options. Who needs the office more? You, or these grimy mafiosos? SGA always needs more offices, clubs are disposable! Honestly, where else are you going to put all that red carpet and $7,000 of glitter?!

11. In fact, do clubs even need offices?

Like, really, why can’t everyone just hold their loud, important meetings in quiet places like the library, or Hammer lab.

These goons are probably just doing rails of cocaine in there anyways, why don’t you just give all the offices to yourself?!

Picture it now! Racks on racks on racks of Armani suits and cuff-links! Endless cabinets of shoe polish! Enough red carpet to follow you wherever you go! A place to store all of the money you don’t allocate to clubs, arranged as a cash-sculpture to trickle-down economics!

12. Try to dismiss the club from the room, before talking about them! These unreasonable rapscallions might try to stab you if you voice your opinion too strongly!

13. Insult those pill-popping ruffians for not being functional, then take away their ability to be functional.

14.

Snap to show your courageous approval and Christ-like acceptance of these sinful plebeians before you when a senate member makes a good case for the club’s defense, but be sure to immediately oppose the club when it comes to a vote. Like a true political overlord, you must break your promises to the peasants before you.

15.

Speaking of voting, your actual thoughts on the issue are irrelevant. You can’t side with these convicts, especially when the rest of SGA is against them.

You have to blend in to be a part of the group, no-one who ever went against the norm was a good politician.

16.

When you finally strike the serfs down and put them back in their filthy little hovel-holes, make it up to yourself. Convince yourself you are a benevolent leader, and blatantly patronize them. Suggest “leadership seminars,” or teach hem how to use Photoshop. These drooling imbeciles can’t put a magazine together, SGA knows how to do everything, and do it well. Thousands of club-allocated dollars spent on an SGA-commissioned shiny red cover, and then everything else can be funded and done by the magazine club (make them fend for themselves a bit), written about how amazing benevolent overseer Don SingSong is, and how lovely the New World Order will be!

17.

Tell them about your word of the day. Once you’ve crushed their hopes and dreams, talk to them about your inspiring theme, and how they failed to live up to it. Give them a homework assignment, due next week about how they could practice good “Stewardship” on the playground with all the other little peons.

18.

Furthermore, take away everything they have. Magazines don’t need an office, especially if they’re online! How many real online magazines have offices anyway? No one needs desks or spaces to create content, or even computers to create content on. These wannabes can just continue writing shitty blogs on their iPhones, because like you and your privileged family backgrounds, everyone has an iPhone.

19.

Kick these fuckers while they’re down. If their vitally important office is taken, express to them that while they can no longer function as they normally would or had in the several decades they’ve been around, they should still love you and want to hear all about your knowledge of leadership. Break into a round of snaps for the tearful pigs, show them the boundless mercy of their divine creator and heavenly father Donald SongySingy and his wonderful brigade of loving, merciful angelpuppets! Then, quickly dismiss them to talk about more important things like touch-screen displays in the Student Center or how many trashcans we should reasonably have in the broom closet at Dutch Treats.

20. Finally, decorum, decorum, decorum!

Shout this at every meeting, all the time, not just to keep the Senate in line, but to remind the worthless slimy clubs you govern to maintain proper etiquette. Don’t get their tears on your Brooks Brothers tie-pin, remind them to grow up! Tell them that, “it’s not over Nonsense Magazine! Just because SGA patronized you, insulted you, pushed your Editor to tears, took away your office, and your ability to function does not mean it’s the end of your professional relationship with them! There is still plenty of time for the Student Government Association to fuck things up for you in the future!”

Indeed!

Issue 156, February 2014

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SGA 2014 spring style guide By: Heather Levinsky

New York Fashion Week may be over, but it sure doesn’t feel that way here at Hofstra University. In this special to Nonsense Humor Magazine, fashion columnist and style expert Heather Levinsky examines the trendiest, most fashionforward student organization in all of Long Island: Hofstra University’s SGA.

SGA at the Versace Spring 2014 show sponsored by Mercedes Benz

Draw design inspiration from Doctor Who! And don’t listen to anyone who says you look like a giant man-baby dressed up in his father’s clothes as a subconscious attempt to prove himself to his parents. What do they know about style anyway? They’re just dumb bitches who friendzone nice guys like you. Swag is for boys. Class? Class is for men. And you have it. Don’t forget the cufflinks and clip-on tie!

For the ladies, the perfect accessory is a big ol’ quilted diaper bag from Vera Bradley. Get a purse the size of a small car and haul it around like an artist carrying their portfolio to a job interview that they will most likely fuck up. It’s the most chic way to carry all your SGA essentials (organic yuppie snacks like hummous and pita chips, court “rulings,” Bibles, $2000 MacBook computers that were a gift from your one rich aunt, marijuana paraphernalia) while still looking like a 2nd grade Catholic schoolteacher!

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NONSENSE: The SGA Issue

Sensible shoes Wide-ass neckties Pocket squares

IN

Yoga pants (Having a rough day?)

Cocaine

Wide-ass Slacks & Ralph Lauren polo combination (Tiger Woods Ass Motherfucker)

Out • Being self-aware • Silhouette and color theory • Not being a fucking idiot

Issue 156, February 2014

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Roll Out The Red Carpet Its that time of year again, with club budget allocations finally done we get to buy ourselves a little something nice. Money is tight we all know that, a lot of cuts had to be made this time around and it wasn’t easy making those choices. But I think its important that we treat ourselves.

We have won Hardest Working Club in the SGA voted superlatives for the last three years and god dammit if we don’t deserve something for it. Unfortunately this time around we have far less left over money because the clubs located in the small clubs offices really made a case as for why the definitely need electricity in order to properly function. I think we can all agree that may be a little bit superfluous but we really are here to give the students what they want and need.

look at how hot we would look on this red carpet, guys...

The bottom line is that we have $500,000 left over and there has to be something we can buy with that. I know as a group our idea of money and its value is so completely detached from reality, I mean whats a good pair of Chuck Taylors even going for these days? But as your leader I can assure you that $500,000 is not all that much. I know we threw around some ideas during the last senate meeting about what we would ideally like to congratulate ourselves with, but I’ve already checked and Robin Thicke is booked all the way until Summer 2015 so I don’t think thats a viable option for us right now.

But I have been doing a little research and I know how much everyone enjoyed the red carpet we purchased with SGA funds for SGA members to walk on into an SGA meeting where only other SGA members were present and I think spending that money to super inflate our own egos is always a valid option.

At $0.88 a square foot we could realistically buy ourselves 568,181.81 feet of premium red carpet. That could cover the unispan 2,367 times. To put this into perspective, remember that time we did that marathon for that charity I forget the name of? The one where we all got up before sunrise and wore matching shirts and didn’t actually finish or technically start the race? We took lots of picture though, one of them was my cover photo for like a month. This would cover the distance of four of those races. That amount of carpet would run 1/3 of the way from here to Washington D.C. and the job that will finally show my dad how important I am.

We should definitely set a time in which to deliberate a time in which we can all sit and deliberate on the Red Carpet Issue.

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NONSENSE: The SGA Issue

SGA Conspiracy Theories Illuminati?????

Ever wonder about all those dorm fires lately?

Coincedence? ??I think not.

Wake up America.

Why SGA should lose their office by: Matthew Matusiak

It has come to our attention at Nonsense that our beloved friends at SGA have been constantly violating the probation we have placed on them. This may sound ridiculous but if SGA is a student club that can place sanctions on other student clubs how come we can’t do the same? I’m afraid to say that after deliberating with a bum outside dunkin donuts for a couple minutes he didn’t understand what I was talking about and only demanded change, so we’re going to have to kick SGA out of their office.

Don’t fret SGA! Like you said, there are multiple clubs begging for office space so you should be happy to know that the Hofstra vs Quidditch team I started yesterday will be taking over your space to eat lunch in while talking about Harry Potter. That’s cool right? I mean, you guys have another office up in small clubs that you yourselves use as a lunchroom. Don’t try to fool us with the occasional meeting you guys hold in there once a month, you’ll only make yourselves out to be bigger cunts than we all already think you are.

Anyway, here’s a list of all the rules you’re in violation of, if you have any concerns be sure to email me so I can write you a note with blue ink and fold it into a paper airplane before I whip it out of my car, you guys should get that, right?

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NONSENSE: The SGA Issue

1. Too much ego. Really guys, your smugness is suffocating.

2.

Not enough red carpet. Why did you guys stop doing thatfor your meetings? You clearly deserve the type of honors Hofstra reserves for either President Rabinowitz or the Governor of New York (I’m not even joking about this one)

3. Zero cute boys.

4. Not enough bitchy girls. Trust me, you came really close to this one but we’re looking for at least 15 and you guys only had 12.

5. Too many decisions made after deliberation. What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know that you’re supposed to come into every hearing with your mind already made up?

6. Not enough Christmas spirit. A simple candy cane in the ceiling would have worked.

7. One of your 2 offices is the size of a football field and the other is the size of an olympic pool.

8. There is no beer in the office. How do you guys unwind after prying anything we’ve ever loved out of our cold hands.

9. We found pornography but who the fuck wants to watch

over the pants, under the covers, with the lights off sex? We hope you got the copy of Cumbrushers we left under the door.

You’re welcome in advance.

10. Zero cute boys.

SGA LOSES THEIR OFFICE

By: Andy Quote

I am incensed! How could Rabinowitz do this to us? How could he kick SGA out of our office?

I gotta loosen my tie. My neck gets sweaty when I get stressed out and I don’t want to get a neck diaper rash like the last time my tootight collar encroached on my expanding neck fat and I sweated out.

What the hell am I going to do? Student Government Association is clearly the most important organization on campus.

Why, we control almost all the other student organizations!

We control them with a hammy iron fist! I can’t believe our lawyerpresident deemed us unworthy of our office space. His reasons are bullshit, too.

Who says we can’t have multiple offices?

We use one mainly for chillin’. Discussin’ fashion tips. Discussin’ how to use “n’ ” instead of “ing” at the end of words to make us sound more “relatable” and “actually human.” Writin’ emails to clubs and makin’ up reasons why they have to get out of their office. The usual. The second office we use for eating (oops, I meant “eatin ”) lunch. Lunch, dinner, cocktails. You name it. We have a big ol banquet table. Technically it’s in the hallway with the small clubs offices and even though we are by NO means a small club we like to chill in there to let those underlings know we’re watching. Watchin’.

Sometimes we hold hearings in there too.

LMAO at the last hearing we had bunch of stupid fucking hipsters tried to tell us that they needed an office so they could use the speaker system to blast Gangnam Style and make dick jokes all day. I mean, we could totally fit at least 3 clubs into our lunch office. Why would we give up our cozy lunch nook when we could piss off a bunch of cool kids instead? Protip: If you’re insecure like I am and the cool kids laugh at you (maybe because of a neck rash-related issue WHICH IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL, IT’S A GLANDULAR ISSUE), make your way to a position of power.

Then even though the cool and hot kids make fun of you, you can still screw them over with bureaucracy!

Those used to be the days. But in the eyes of our lawyerpresident, our actions have been “unconstitutional”, “oppressive”, “totalitarian”, and “just fucking ignorant” Now me and my colleagues will have to eat at cafeteria tables like commoners. Like plebeians. Oh god I’m getting sweaty again. I can’t have my suit getting all mildewy again!

My brand new pocket square will be ruined! I can’t stand for this. I can’t wait until I’m lawyerpresident of this college so I have my own office. I’m gonna deck it out in cardboard holiday decorations and use it for my own personal masturbation closet. That’s what Nonsense Humor Magazine did when they got allocated our old offices, anyway. I was always jealous of them.

Issue 156, February 2014

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Last Words From Matusiak My name is Matthew Matusiak and I’ve been a member of Nonsense Humor Magazine since September 2009. I wanted to check the club out because I had heard you could drink during the meetings and, being an inexperienced 18-year-old fresh out of high school, the thought of breaking rules so blatantly was an exciting new concept to me. I never expected where taking that chance and going to that first meeting would bring me. It’s 2014 now, I’m the head writer for Nonsense, and I’ll be graduating with an English degree come May.

I can still remember my first meeting. I foolishly wore a black bandana on my head thinking it would make me look cool to all the older kids but all it accomplished was to earn me the nickname “Mandana” which eventually became “Mattdana” which stuck for so long some people actually believed my name was Matt Dana.

Christ what a bunch of assholes, but I loved them. They accepted me onto their island of misfit toys where I was able to meet like-minded creative people like myself and really thrive in our microcosm of creativity that was Nonsense. Did I make some mistakes along the way? Sure.

Did I drink way too much and miss tons of class? Absolutely. The most important part of everything was I developed some of the most powerful friendships I have Head Writer, Matt Matusiak ever had and today I feel like a better person because of them. I’m sorry, I keep forgetting to make this article humorous, DICKS, happy? The sad truth is that I’m finding it hard to be funny right now because of how utterly crushed I feel about the loss of our office.

Our office was our creative space. Our safe-zone, the place where you could share any ideas you had about the club or life in general without feeling judged. Those types of spaces are not easily replaced with a computer lab or library room due to the emotions and memories you attach to them, any shitbag with an ounce of fucking sense inside their monstrously oversized head should be able to understand that. Alas, no. It seems the only concern held by SGA is how to be pretend to be “transparent” so every club stops questioning where all the money goes and just accepts the insulting pittance they hand out on soft hands glistening with what I fucking hope is lotion. That, and snapping while screaming “DECORUM!” at each other, SGA loves to do those things too.

I guess what I’m getting at is I feel a sense of betrayal. I feel like my peers betrayed me and shit all over the one thing that kept me at Hofstra University. Betrayed because I had to sit and listen to them say everything I felt about the importance of a creative community in a university setting only to watch them stab us in the back when it came time to vote. What happened SGA? Too lazy to draw our hearing out any longer? That can’t be the case since you literally argued over if you should vote on if you should vote before you voted for another thing, a process that took a whopping 30 fucking minutes of my life away from me forever. No, I think what happened is 90% of you didn’t even want to be there in the first place. You’re scared to admit to yourself how much of a corrupt joke your organization is. You’re scared to admit that the real reason you’re there is because it will look good on a resume. You’re scared to admit that in reality you couldn’t give a fuck about someone else, as long as you get to hear your own voice (shout-out to the poor basterd who didn’t get to see his girlfriend for winter break, you’re tale was truly gut-wrenching). So to make yourself feel better like the real sadists you all are, you felt like you had to kill someone more beautiful than you. Did you like seeing us cry SGA? My only solace from that hearing was seeing the looks of horror on some of your faces once you realized what you had done to us.

I could go on in this same vein for pages, but for the sake of wrapping things up all neat and tidy with a bow, I will end on a positive note. This semester Nonsense is the most active I’ve seen it since 2009, we actually have people excited about working for us again. This we accomplished without you. We are taking the fuel of stewing emotions inside of us to start really creating content again. This we will accomplish in spite of you. Most of all SGA, I want to say FUCK YOU and thank you.

Thank you for reminding us about our humble beginnings as the second oldest university humor magazine in the country and how we will easily overcome this new obstacle with our renewed vigor. Fuck you for allowing it to go down like this, and I hope none of you achieve anything you want out of life and you grow old sad and die alone. You better believe I fucking mean that.

Love, Matt 16

NONSENSE: The SGA Issue

Obituaries

Amanda “Benewavvy” Beneway 1990-2012 Was not wifey material.

Aaron “Kush Papi” Calvin 1991-2013 I hate book thay are gay.

The Office 2012-2014 Should have been burned down a long time ago tbh.

Jimmy “Ponytail Jimmy” Sia 1991-2013 These beats are sick.

Cody “Noodles” Heinz 1991-2013 Have you ever dreamed this man?