The "D" Issue

nonsense humor magazine

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the

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issue

MArch 2014

issue 157

table of contents D-Day pg 7 Matthew Matusiak

Front Cover Photo by Samantha Senicola

Hornucopia pg 8 Emily Guida & Samantha Senicola Photos by Brendan Walles & Sam Senicola

Inside Ad pg 2 Dong Island by Ana Davis Nonsense by Emily Guida

Papa Doochie Exposes The D pg 12 Ana Davis

Editorial pg 4 Ana Davis Nonsense Mail Bag pg 5 Andrew Vigeant Dick Doodles by Craig Warkoczeski Dick Porn by Sam Casadevall She Wants The D Playlist pg 6 Ana Davis

DA D Deez D’s pg 14 Marcus Reynolds Last Words: The Lego Movie pg 15 Heather Levinsky Back Cover Emily Guida

staff Editor-In-Chief Ana “Anna” Davis

Head Writer Matt “New Back” Matusiak

Editorial Assistant

Emily “Manicotti Kawaski Bruschotti” Guida

Art Director

Heather “Crying. The Band” Levinsky-Snowing

Contributors Marcus “Drooling, darlings, dreaming, dempster” Reynolds Zach “Efron” Johnson Sam “On The Frisbee Team” Casadevall Matt “Jester Hat” Tanzosh Arman “Armani” Serrado Matt “You Goddamn Bastard” Hilerio Cody “I Wish He Was Taller” Sullivan John “Cepsi™” Culan Craig “Age 12” Warkoczeski Andrew “Multiple Objectives” Vigeant

Content Manager

Samantha “Pop Punk Tendencies” Senicola

Business Manager Rachel “Is From California” Hoerner

Web Editor Catherine “San Francisco” Schmelter

Faculty Advisor Amy Karofsky

NONSENSE HUMOR MAGAZINE is Hofstra University’s only “intentional” humor magazine.

Don’t take any of our advice ever we have NO IDEA what we are talking about. >:~) OK well yeah we put out an issue online every month and meet every Thursday at 9:23 PM.

editorial Hi guys :)))) we’re back again bringing the fine people at good ol’ Hofstra U another installment of this thing we like to call Nonsense. We’ve calmed down after losing our office, and getting into fake legal battles, and decided to turn down for a second (while remaining fully turned up, of course) to get to the important business and pressing issues that affect all of us at this university, the tri-state area, the world, etc. We racked our brains and decided that the only thing on our minds consistently every single day is “the D.” Giving the D, getting the D, having a D, what do I do to get the D, does he know I want the D, does she in fact want the D???

The UrbanDictionary.com definition of the D is: But for the sake of being all-inclusive in the year of our lord 2014, we want you to think about the D not just as male sexual organs, but more as the goal/prize that comes out of getting somebody to be naked in the same space as you. Whoever gets you excited man, woman, warm bagel, or fuckable operating system, we count them as having a D, or being capable of receiving that D. This issue is meant to dissect the feeling you get when you’re walking down that sexy unispan and you see the hottest person you’ve ever seen in your life, and your jaw drops, you notice all their hot features all at once, and you start thinking about what color your bridesmaids/groomsmen will wear at the wedding.

You’re gritting your teeth because the song you’re listening to is making them look even hotter somehow.

At this point your ears are getting hot, and your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms spaghetti. Then you start silently sobbing thinking about what kind of sheets they have on their bed or how old they were when they learned how to swim or how their boner would look in basketball shorts. (I wanted to make an entire issue devoted to basketball short boners but nobody else would contribute after I described to them in detail the tactile sensation of that athletic material and the man flesh.) And then before you know it you come out of the trance 15 minutes into the class you were just walking to, still reeling from seeing who you believe to be the finest specimen of human life on campus.

Lol well everyone, I’ve revealed a lot here and so have the other members of the staff. We hope you feel a little better knowing that nobody on earth has a fucking clue about what they should be doing with the D and we hope you pass this stuff along to your friends and framily™

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NONSENSE: The “D” Issue

Our fans (lol yes we have those) wrote in to ask us about the D and we gave it to them straight. If you’d like to write in to us, please reconsider or tweet at us @nonsensehumor and we’ll let you know the good word regarding whatever the hell you want.

l i a m n fa

Is bigger always better?

-S. Ron I can’t say; I’ve never driven a Hummer.

I love sex, but what the hell do I do with my hands?!

-Richard P.

Hands built the pyramids.

How do I know if I’ve “warmed her up” enough?

What’s your opinion on Obama’s health care law?

As long as it’s 160° internally, no one’s gonna get sick.

I think it’s gonna hurt a lot of good people. Good, hard-working people who are just tryna have sex.

-Hot Chris

How do I know if he’s the right guy?

-Karen F.

- Rhonda G.

Well, Jesus could walk on water.

Kid’s r e n r o C A couple students from Mrs. Connelly’s 7th grade art class drew some D inspired art for us! Thanks, Sam & Craig!!

Top Right: “Dick Porn”

by Sam Casadevall Age 13

Bottom Left & Right: “Craig’s Dick Doodles”

by Craig Warcowkwki Age 12 Issue 157, March 2014

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"she wants the D" playlist

sponsored by

“Clarity” by Zedd & Foxes

Gotta start off with a clear and focused mind to get these girls goin’ dude.

“Fiyayaya Weed” by Juicy J

If you’re not already stoned, please stop whatever stage of foreplay you’re at and take a few sick bong tokes.

“Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke

LOL what rhymes with “fuck me” right guys.

“The Language” by Drake

Let her know that if she’s tryna smoke and fuck, that’s all we do.

“Gentleman” by Psy

It’s important she knows you’re a gentleman.

You open doors and all that other shit. You know your manners, you’ve seen like a whole season of tool academy in one day.

“I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)” by Pitbull If you aren’t already deep inside this bitch, Mr. 305 has got you dude. This chick is gonna hear this shit and you’re gonna have to get scuba gear to navigate that pussy, bro.

“Sandstorm” by Darude

Make sure you don’t mix the radio edit uo with the original mix because if you do you’re gonna have to be piping for at least 10 more minutes then you planned and you know you don’t have the stamina for that shit.

“Clarity” by Zedd & Foxes

Had to put this one here again. This song is mad good tbh.

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NONSENSE: The “D” Issue

“Lover I Don’t Have To Love”

by Bright Eyes Yo you can’t be turned up 24/7.

HAHA JK What are you gay???

This song is pretty gay or whatever but you gotta look sensitive to get that kitty sometimes, bud.

“Love Me”

by Lil Wayne feat. Drake & Future yooooo

“Butterfly” by Crazy Town

Women are beautiful creatures just like butterflies, man. You have to cherish that natural beauty and appreciate that sweet pussy.

“Rooster in My Rari”

by Waka Flocka Flame

Ok so enough with being sensitive, you have to show this bitch who is boss if you want to cum and cum HARD you will.

“No Lie” by 2 Chainz feat. Drake Alright, be careful with this song just because if you finiah while Drake is singing that shit has potential to get VERY gay.

“Levels” by Avicii

Congratulations brother, you’ve successfully laid it down. This is a dooope song to fall asleep to while still inside your partner. Sweet dreams, bro

D-DAY

by Matt Matusiak

All the soldiers stood erect in rows, veins bulging and ready for action. Their helmets glistened with moisture as they rocked up and down on the unsteady white, foamy seas.

The soldiers held a look of rock-hard determination as they inched closer to the sandy crevice that was their goal.

They knew that the viciously crabby enemy was awaiting them there, but they were confident their protection would hold and not a single hole in their wall would open.

After some teasing, the soldiers finally penetrated the sandy crevice. Some over-eager souls spilled out prematurely and only their bloody death outweighed their shame. The remaining men quickly regrouped into hammer formation to thrust themselves deeper into the crevice with ferocity. The enemy’s defenses were quickly falling and their groans only made the soldiers push forward with renewed gusto.

Finally, the men penetrated as deep in as they could go and uncovered the lair of the enemy. Upon entrance they were shocked to discover that the enemy were actually humanoid vaginas and the sight of them caused the men to reel back in horror. The soldiers went limp and vomited white goo all over each other. The sight of the goo caused the soldiers to realize they were in fact humanoid dicks and now all the double entendres make sense.

Issue 157, March 2014

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Emily Guida & Samantha Senicola present...

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NONSENSE: The “D” Issue

Hornucopia

Doesn’t this turkey provolone wrap look good enough to well... you know...

About a week or so ago, Samantha “Posi” “Pepsicola” Senicola and I interrupted our usual conversation about periods and tampons and boys we like and the emo revival and whatever the fuck else girls talk about for a different kind of conversation. This topic was brought up after I had Tweeted about the Red Edition Red Bull, which is cranberry flavored. I Tweeted saying that it tasted like a Christmas-themed candle, to which the Red Bull official twitter just replied, “Cranberry sauce? ;)” Now, this got me thinking. Why did the Red Bull twitter decide to use a winky emoticon at the end of that tweet? In what situation could cranberry sauce be provocative in any way? What sexual implications are you suggesting about jellied cranberry?

At this point, Sam and I basically thought the same thing about this: are you suggesting that I fuck a can of cranberry sauce? Could you fuck a can of cranberry sauce?

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NONSENSE: The “D” Issue

The most important factor of this obviously, is having a dick. Sam and I then said to ourselves, if we got the opportunity to have a dick for one week and one week only, what would we do? First of all, we agreed that we would probably pee on everything. Second of all, we agreed that we would probably jerk off as much as possible and just fuck EVERYTHING. That being said, we went back to the concept of fucking a can of cranberry sauce, which brought us to the possibility of fucking other foods. We ruled out watermelon, and any citrus. We thought maybe a twice baked potato, or rice pudding. Or possibly, a burrito. Would a burrito stay together for maximum fucking time? Could the man fucking a burrito really perform to the best of his ability? I don’t really know, but I really fucking want Chipotle now.

We assumed that there were countless possibilities, taking into consideration the firmness of the food and other factors such as the acidity and shape of the food.

Really though, almost everything in a Thanksgiving dinner with the works would be ideal for this. You’ve got your turkey, your stuffing, your sweet potatoes, and of course, the main staple in any Thanksgiving meal, the cranberry sauce. You pop the lid off of the can of cranberry sauce, poke a little hole in there with your finger, and go HAM. It’s just like a real vagina guys, I can confirm this.

Be sure to use protection when you’re fucking your food guys, because you never know what type of diseases you can contract, like, for example, Mad Cow Disease or E Coli.

Honestly, I think the dick is a much underestimated body part. I mean, it’s obviously got that dual functionality. When I’m not thinking about how gross and weird they are, which is roughly 69% of the time, I’m thinking about how crazy and hilarious it is that these floppy weird man flesh things can just blatantly show arousal no matter where the dude is and no matter what’s causing it.

That being said, I’d like to write an open apology to the 15 year old boy I saw get a boner at Mountain Creek Water Park in Vernon, New Jersey when I was in 5th grade. That inner tube didn’t really hide it that much. I promise, I did not judge you, as you were waiting on line for the lazy river with your mother. It’s tragically beautiful. According to some guy on Yahoo Answers, having an erection is “a gift.”

Remember that, you beautiful adolescent acne covered disaster. And yeah, if I had a dick, I too would fuck the shit out of that can of Ocean Spray jellied cranberry.

For those who like to get off in the morning, we recommend this balanced breakfast.

Pretty much dying about not actually having a penis to put in this marshmallow fluff right now.

Make sure to keep a few paper towels handy after penetrating these sweet treats.

Issue 157, March 2014

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papa doochie exposes the D

by Ana Davis

In order to better understand the D, I reached out to Bryan “Papa Doochie” Carpentieri, and asked him the things I’ve always wondered about having male genitalia and the complications/joys of dealing with a penis.

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NONSENSE: The “D” Issue

Ana: What is the most embarassing thing you’ve ever done to try to give the D? Like “I’m gonna do this so I can sleep with this girl” Papa: I did a performance that really sucked (of “Call Your Girlfriend” by Robyn) with the girl in front of the entire Hofstra music department. It’s on Youtube if you wanna watch it.

A: Have you ever done the tuck thing so it looks like you don’t have a D? P: Yeah. I mean like, when you’ve got it there you experiment in any type of way like what it could look like.

A: Would you ever fuck a real doll if you were given one and nobody would ever know?

P: If nobody knew about it..... then yeah haha. *a round of applause erupts in the room* A: If we bought one for you would you keep it and fuck it?

P: Well, the first part of the last question was nobody would know about it so like everybody bought it for me and I went into my room for 15 minutes, when I came out everybody would be like “ayyyyyy”. Everybody would know and that ruins the fun.

A: Lol yeah I would pretty much yell into your room every single day to ask like, “Hey bryan are you fucking that real doll?”

P: haha “yes”

Guest Q from Bekah Worley!: What is the difference in feeling in putting it in a mouth and putting it in a vagina?

P: Well, when you’re getting head you’re chillin you’re doing your thing so you don’t feel the need to have to perform you can relax.

A: Have you ever been cut by anything on your dingle?

P: Well, I’m a hairy man because of my ethnicity so I have to shave everything except my legs and my forearms. So I cut my “dingle” quite often because of the amount of times I have to shave.

A: Omg what does that feel like??

P: It’s not so much when you cut it, it’s more like after you put your clothes on and go about your day and then it’s like, “Shit, I cut my dick while I was shaving.”

A: What is the most inappropriate place you’ve ever gotten a boner?

P: Haha on a LIRR train.

A: Wow. How Long Island of you.

P: What can I say?

A: Do you have any advice or tips etc. for people trying to get/give the D? P: Haha I don’t know. I’m not very successful in that area. I guess you could do the thing from How I Met Your Mother, the “Naked Man.” I would recommend that because it works like 1 out of 3 times. Do you know what i’m talking about? Have you seen that episode?

A: Lol yes, actually I have seen more episodes of How I Met Your Mother than you’d think.

P: But on the other hand like a girl trying to get the D, I’d say you’ve just gotta lay it all out on the table.

DA D deez d’s

by Marcus Reynolds

Dip, dodge, double, doors, Drip, dry, dodger, drawers, Dick,,died, duckin, dwarfs, Dumpin, dill, damage, dorms, Dabbin, down, dirty, dummies, Drills, dove, dungeon, dumplings, Doo doo, dimples, donuts, dunkin, Drugs, dead, dealing, dufus, Damn, drones, danky, douches, Dank, De De, drain, dexter, Dwellin, drinkin, day, deuces, Dutch, Danish, dolphin, divin, Ditch, dust, Drunk, dialing, Diamond, done, declining Dollars, dragon, dining Doodle, destroy, delay Deploy decoy, doomsDay Droppin d’ssss…

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NONSENSE: The “D” Issue

last words from heatheR: review of the lego movie Eternal civil servant Chris Pratt plays a little Lego construction worker in Warner Brothers Pictures’ “The Lego Movie. Chris likes his job and every day as he goes to work, everyone in the city sings the same very catchy, very good song: “Everything is Awesome.” One day, he sees a sexy yeoja (Korean for ‘girl’) poking around in what I recall to be a cave (???) on his construction site. The camera cuts to a close up shot. The yeoja looks over her shoulder, and the plastic block of her hair rotates gracefully in the wind.

This was the best part of the movie because as the yeoja came in focus, I witnessed a young boy sitting a few rows ahead of me go “Oh my god!” This truely shows that no matter what kind of object it is, as long as it has a woman’s face and features literally scribbles on it, it becomes instantly irresistibly sexy. And so, to that kid, I say “Same. Same.”

After this, the movie becomes Enter the Void, and I freaked out so much upon realizing that Chris Pratt Lego had Entered the Void that I forget what happened for a half hour after that.

Somehow Chris Pratt and yeoja leave the city and Chris gets this thing stuck to his back. He has to deliver it to the evil headquarters to save everyone. Now he is The Chosen One. They eventually, after lots of trials and tribulations, get to headquarters and save everyone. It becomes live-action at the end. After Chris Pratt enters the void again, Will Ferrell is there, He hugs his son.

That’s how the movie goes. It was visually impressive, and I got to hear Charlie Day’s voice during it.

Now, I’d like to take some time to discuss this next crazy thing.

The first thing I remember after my Enter the Void freakout is that the protagonists suddenly find themselves on the Lego ocean. Now, from above, the surface of the water seems to be made out of an everundulating, shifting sheet of 1x Lego square studs. The Legos change color, giving a pixel-art effect to the surface of the sea. The texture of the surface implies that the entirety of the volume of the sea would be filled with the same 1x square studs. However, when our heroes plunge beneath the surface, there seems to be nothing but crystal-clear seawater.

Occasionally bubbles rise through the water to the surface, consisting not of oxygen but of round Lego 1x studs. Thusly, if the physics of this movie were somewhat consistent, the entire atmosphere would them be made up of 1x round studs (perhaps each stud color-coded by element to reflect the composition of the Lego Earth’s atmosphere). Yet oxygen seems to only exist in this form under water.

My theory is that a rift forms on the boundary between any two forms of matter in different states. For example, here exists a “rift” between the seawater in its liquid form and the atmosphere in its gasous form. This rift binds the water molecules to a grid, forcing the molecules directly on the rift to transform (in a process much like deposition of water vapor into the lattice structure of ice) into a layer of Lego blocks.

This would also explain the explosions, of which (like many movies marketed exclusively to young children) there are many, and, like the surface of the sea, composed entirely of Lego studs.

So with this, I petition Phil Lord and Christopher Miller, screenwriters and directors of Warner Brother Studios’ “The Lego Movie”: Either confirm or disprove my theory, either way presenting me with a unifying theory of the physics of the Lego Universe. It’s driving me fucking crazy.

Issue 157, March 2014

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