UHD has announced the grand re-opening of Campbell Hall amidst record numbers of students recontracting to live on campus.
SEE PAGE 60
The SAE house has been bought and spookified by seasonal halloween company, Spirit Halloween.
SEE PAGE 7
In the early hours of April 2, University President Nark Mook’s Ring doorbell camera captured this startling image — an intruder breaking into his home.
As shown in the footage captured and later obtained by
Craving a margarita? Perhaps a Panther piña colada? Swim on up to the Wellness Recreation Center (WRC) and order yourself your favorite cocktail at the newly installed swim-up tiki bar.
Campus is abuzz, both literally and figuratively, after the bar opened a couple of weeks ago in the leisure pool area, near the water slide.
The bar has caused quite a commotion on campus, with some enthusiastically endorsing the idea, while others aren’t so sure. Director of the WRC, Dennis Chrismen, said the bar’s wide variety of beverages and beachy vibes have helped bring in more students to the facility.
“Although some may question our decision, adding the tiki bar has greatly increased student engage-
ment,” Chrismen said. “You wouldn’t believe the number of students who have walked through those doors. In the past two weeks alone we have seen a 300% increase in visits from students.”
The bar includes refresh-
Growth spurt hits basketball team Celebration from the men’s basketball coaching staff as, after a recent visit to the doctor, it was revealed that Norwegian international student and star point guard Bjowen Bjorn has finally hit six feet tall. Coaching staff expressed excitement at Bjorn elevating his play, literally. Doctors say he, “still has a few inches left in him.”
Historic donation to College of Humanities, Arts and Sciences
On the heels of a $25 million donation to the College of Business this past fall, the College of Humanities, Arts and Sciences has just received a historic donation of its own. School of Music alum Ida Drummer has used her post-graduation success to donate a single Hot Pocket to her alma mater. The CHAS interim dean expressed gratitude at such generosity from a CHAS alum, especially from a music performance major.
UNI introduces mandated Interluding to improve morale
In order to up that Go Cats spirit, UNI will be requiring a monthly Interluding session from all students on campus. Much like the monthly weather alert tests, the second Wednesday of every month, loudspeakers will blast The Interlude to all corners of campus. Students are expected to stop what they’re doing to do the dance, and professors are expected to pause teaching until the song is completed.
TC Panther wins first prize in furry competition
ing cocktails like their signature TC’s tequila sunrise and strawberry daiquiris.
The bar also offers mocktail options, smoothies and freshly squeezed juices.
On a recent visit to Des Moines, TC Panther mistakenly wandered into Fur Con 2024, a national gathering of furries. In his confusion, TC continued to wander his way into the Best in Show judging. TC was awarded first prize for his quality of fursuit and friendly appearance. He will be bringing the gold trophy back to Cedar Falls with Panther pride.
MALIBU SCHMOOTZ Former Infant
Chicago is referred to as the “Windy City.” However, many University of Northern Iowa students may feel as if Cedar Falls should be honored with the nickname. The Iowa Board of Regents appears to agree with students and their struggles of navigating the wind at UNI.
This past Tuesday the board approved plans to extend the iconic dome of the UNI-Dome to the entire campus in order to protect students from the dangerous winds on campus.
“We are very excited that the Iowa Board of Regents approved our proposal of extending the dome to the entire campus,” President Nark Mook said. “We feel as if this decision will help in this great struggle of having students fly away from the dangerous and unprecedented wind on campus.”
It has been said that back
when the buildings on the UNI campus were first constructed, there was a goal to create actual wind tunnels between the campus buildings by using the shape of the buildings for a
wind tunnel to appear. This was done since the temperature on campus was so hot during the summer and there was no air conditioning in the buildings on campus. At that time, the wind
tunnels were not always dangerous for students on campus.
However, the strength of the wind gusts have only gotten stronger since the buildings were first constructed. Now
wind gusts can reach up to 140 mph. The wind tunnels present on campus will no longer be an intense place for students to walk through on campus thanks to plans to extend the dome.
“I am so grateful that the Iowa Board of Regents approved these plans. I know a couple of people who literally flew away when they tried walking through the wind tunnels,” senior Reale Persone said. “All of them are fine but they definitely were not able to make it to their class on time. One of my friends was trying to go to Lang Hall, but walked through a wind tunnel and flew all the way back to Gilchrist Hall.”
The plans to extend the dome to all of campus are not finalized, however, early stages show the outer edges of the new extended dome ending near the corner of West 23rd Street and College Street, as well as to the corner of Hudson Road and University Avenue. The university stated that the extension of the dome would feature the same look of the original UNIDome.
“The UNI-Dome is an important part of UNI history and we are excited to see the impact of the building expand to all of campus. The dome stretching across all of campus will bring the community closer together,” Mook said.
According to University Archives, the idea for the original UNI-Dome came about in 1968 after the Ad Hoc Committee on Auditoria Needs recommended building three facilities for the campus. One of the facilities they recommended building was a “coliseum” seating 10,000. This would later turn into the UNI-Dome which began construction in 1974 and opened in 1976.
The university also stated that construction of the dome would coincide with the improvements being made to the UNI-Dome from the Our Tomorrow campaign. University officials stated that these plans will help solve the problem of students flying away as well as enhance the importance of the UNI-Dome on campus.
The brick walls of Campbell Hall hold secrets. While the students and faculty are away in classes, the Campbell ghosts come out to party. They grab their purple tutus, their speaker and their towels. Together, they throw the most epic ghostly ghoul bashes. There’s five eccentric ghosts who live in Campbell. Squeaky McBoo, Spooky McSpookface, Scary Mary, Wobbly Wilma and Bob.
Believe it or not, I had the privilege of speaking with Bob about these poltergeists’ party habits. The rest of the ghosts declined an interview, and every single one of them strangely replied with “Negative ghost rider, the pattern is full.”
Since I was able to converse with Bob, I wanted to make sure that we discussed the reasoning for the fabulous parties. There was a shift in his glow. Bob went from white to light green, and his eyes looked up to me. Bob smiled dearly at
me in a way I’d never seen. He then referenced a song Fergie released in 2013, “A little party never hurt nobody, so we’re going to dance until we drop.”
The atmosphere these ghosts have created gives them freedom to party how they please. Though, Bob mentioned how sometimes the ghosts of Campbell get lonely from time to time. He said “We’re lucky to have one another, I know if I didn’t have Scary Mary I’d be blue.”
While Scary Mary refused an interview, I asked about her backstory from Bob. Scary Mary and Bob are unlikely friends, and he was kind enough to share a few details about her with me. “Mary is a complicated soul … she won’t speak much, but when she’s on a roll, there’s no stoppin’ that scare-mare train.”
According to Bob, Scary Mary has been a regular in the ghost criminal system. Online court records show that she has been fined for flying recklessly, as well as imprisoned for
grand theft by embezzlement. When I asked Bob about this, he said “Ah, I do remember her being gone for a couple decades ... Just figured Mary was out scarin’, nothin’ serious.”
Scary Mary was released from prison in 2020 during Covid-19 quarantine. Bob suggests that this is the reason parties have been so legendary since, as though Mary longed to party in ghost prison. Mary was locked away for 20 years, in solitary confinement. Bob said “She came back and was ready to get her dancing on, and boy oh boy ... That’s exactly what we did.”
For the past 20 years, these five ghosts have been rocking out in the courtyard of Campbell Hall. They’re only visible for short periods of time, and they live inside Campbell Hall during winter. The choreographed ghost dances will only be seen if you perform “I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)” by Whitney Houston.
MANN N. BLACK No One of Consequence
The changing of the seasons is always a refreshing time for UNI students. The snow is melting, the birds are singing, and the squirrels are … unionizing?
That’s right, loyal readers, rather than attempting to overthrow the university as they have tried in the past, this new generation of squirrels has formed a union. A representative of the Union of Squirrels of Northern Iowa, Chet
Squeakerson, contacted me to share USNI’s beliefs.
“Squirrels get no respect on this campus! We do all the work around here making sure no crumbs of food litter this fine university, and what thanks do we get? Nothing! Well, that is about to change,” Chet told the press.
outside of Russel for a study session without consulting so much as one squirrel and completely ruined Barbara Von Pine’s bridge night. From now on, students must provide an offering of seeds and nuts to study outside if they have not contacted a member of USNI four business days prior to reserve a location. Furthermore, there shall be no photography without compensation for our member’s valuable time or privacy. This compensation may also be paid in seeds and nuts.”
University President Marc Nooc, has delegated a team of professors from Wilson College of Business to handle the situation.
The following statement is reflective of USNI’s demands, as represented by Mr. Squeakerson.
“Too many student’s invade our space to study or host events without even consulting the residents of nearby trees. A small group of students decided to use the picnic tables
“I believe we shall come to a favorable agreement for most of their demands,” Marc reports, “however, the squirrels also want 50% of the profits of any and all merchandise from the university bookstore that features a squirrel. We are hoping to talk them down to seeds and nuts for this as well.”
Chet Squeakerson and Marc Nooc will be meeting next Friday to finalize negotiations, but until then, it is probably best to carry some trail mix in your pockets.
According to police, the suspect picked the lock of the Mook residence around 1 a.m. Tuesday morning. It is unclear exactly what took place inside the home. However, the Mooks found scratch marks in their couch and reported two cans of tuna fish missing from their pantry. The Ring footage shows that the intruder left the residence at 1:19 a.m.
“We’re taking this bizarre burglary very seriously,” said UNI Chief of Police Ben Bustin. “Who knows whose
seafood supply could be next? We’re using all of our forces to investigate, and we encourage anyone who may be able to identify this suspect to come forward with information.”
Both Rialto and Piazza dining halls have increased the surveillance measures in case the pointy-eared suspect strikes again. They will have increased police presence at Piazza later this week at fish stick night in hopes of catching the suspect red-handed — or perhaps red-pawed. This story is part of an ongoing investigation.
love to sip on a piña colada in between classes?”
“I think the swim-up bar is awesome, just what UNI needs,” senior student Jo King said. “I’ve spent at least $100 of my dining dollars in the past three days on margaritas and mocktails alone.”
Chrismen said despite some administrators not supporting the bar, it is providing a lot of publicity for UNI and students are undeniably loving it. TC has even gotten in on all the fun, and was seen a couple of days ago enjoying the water slide with a smoothie in hand.
“This is a major selling point for the university,” Chrismen said. “Students on campus visits are usually sold when they see the swimup bar. I mean, who wouldn’t
The bar is currently managed by UNI’s food service department, who are currently hiring bartenders at $10 an hour. Happy hour is Friday from 5 p.m. - 6 p.m., with signature drinks half-off for students.
MALLARD DUCK Quack Quack
Another “exciting chapter” has been opened for the future of the University of Northern Iowa, according to president Nark Mook.
Students, faculty and community members all gathered in front of the West Gym last week to celebrate the launch of yet another campaign to guide the future years of UNI.
The Forget Yesterday campaign aims to continue UNI’s streak of not maintaining historic campus buildings to the point that they are physically uninhabitable.
The campaign was partially inspired by the fate of Old Gilchrist Hall, a building constructed in 1883 that burned down in 1972 due to faulty wiring.
“Our team determined that historic buildings sitting abandoned around campus is more than just tradition — it’s part of our brand at UNI,” Mook said
at the campaign announcement.
“The West Gym is another great example of our plan in action,” added campaign manager Les D. Molish. “If gravity and mother nature are going to do half of the demolition work for us, why not eliminate some expenses in that area?”
During the announcement event, the university stated that they’ve been acting upon this campaign for a number of years. Campbell Hall, the Honors Cottage and the Alumni House are all structures currently in the rotting stage.
The campaign admitted that they faced a setback in 2021 when the Board of Regents tabled the decision to demolish the Honors Cottage, the oldest building on UNI’s campus. However, they are optimistic that the structure will fall sooner or later.
“The best possible outcome for us would be more bowing walls on these build-
ings,” Molish said. “Or maybe a building fire — that would sure make things easy.”
However, some UNI students are a bit hesitant to embrace the Forget Yesterday campaign.
There have been ominous squeakings going around campus of a squirrel uprising. It seems the UNI rodent population has nefarious plans for our great institution. The main concern for student’s seems to be rumors of squirrels replacing notable public figures such as TC, TK,
President Nark Mook and interim dean of the College of Humanities, Arts and Sciences Cennifer Jooley. Our trusted mascots may not be as virtuous as they seem. A recent post on YikYak showed TC with his mask removed, revealing a squirrel beneath the furry facade. While this post was made in jest, the concern behind its creation is real. Students
suspect our mascots of being secret squirrels for a variety of reasons, the most notable being their convenient silence and the rumors of rustling happening beneath their costumes.
Even Mook isn’t safe from suspicion. It is believed that he is privately supporting squirrel initiatives such as financial compensation for the rodents due to students studying outside, which they consider their personal domain. Students have also stated they saw a dubious squirrel-esq sparkle in the president’s eyes during public addresses.
Students also have doubts about the humanity of Jooley. It has been stated that she is too “bright-eyed and bushytailed.” While these rumors may seem unfounded, Jooley’s response to student concerns has drawn further suspicion with the statement, “I was just going about my business on campus, checking out all the good (and sometimes nutty) work happening in CHAS!” It seems the ambitious interim dean is not even trying to hide where her loyalties lie.
As tensions are rising and rumors keep circling, people have talked about forming a militia. While this is understandable, waiting for more concrete evidence may be in students’ best interest.
“It just seems like there are abandoned buildings around every corner,” freshman Nicole Evans said. “It’s not exactly the most inspiring learning environment.”
Rumor has it that the
Commons and Rider Hall may be the next buildings incorporated into the Forget Yesterday campaign. For further updates, visit forgetyesterday.uni.edu.
BOWLEY KLOOKENHAMMER
Future dead person
In light of the recent housing crisis that has unfurled within University Housing & Dining, the university announced that they will be reopening Campbell Hall as housing for students.
Housing Director Rafick
Anello defended this recent decision, stating that it was the only viable option for the university and for incoming students. “It would be unacceptable for us to not have enough housing for these students. Every student deserves to be able to be housed at our university.”
Campbell Hall has remained dormant on 23rd Street since 2021. It’s held many different uses over the years, such as a girls-only dorm, a quarantine dorm, and a firefighter training facility. Now, it returns to its original use of a dormitory. The only current students who may have interacted with Campbell Hall are the current juniors and seniors at UNI.
Senior Melinda Ore was a resident of Campbell Hall for a short stint due to a brush with COVID-19. “Yeah, I stayed there. Worst two weeks of my life. Good luck living there!” Incoming freshman Jolly Johnson
spoke to the Northern Iowan at the recent Admitted Students Day about living in Campbell Hall. “I heard that the reason it was shut down initially was because of asbestos. So, yeah, you could say I’m pretty nervous. But what other choice do I have?”
Anello told the Northern Iowan that if the building hadn’t been cleared by health officials, it wouldn’t have been opened. “Obviously, it isn’t the best option. But, it’s what we have. We aren’t
sure on how much asbestos is still in Campbell Hall, but we know that the amount should be harmless.”
With the university reopening Campbell Hall, UHD is scrambling to hire more resident assistants to work in the building. UHD posted the job on Handshake, with the job description requiring applicants to have “strong lungs and immune systems,” with “preference given to applicants who have swam in the Mississippi river more
than twice.” Former resident assistant Molly Keller found this weird. “When I applied, that was never something that came up. I’ve never seen anything like that on a job application.”
Despite how unceremonious the reopening may be, most students are looking forward to having Campbell back. “She’s been gone far too long,” said Keller. Campbell is still accepting student housing contracts, and applications for Campbell Hall resident
Obviously it isn’t the best option. But, it’s what we have. We aren’t sure on how much asbestos is still in Campbell Hall, but we know that the amount should be harmless.
Rafick Annello Director of University Housing and Dining
assistants are still open. Students will move in to Campbell during move-in week.
If you have Snapchat, you know about the university stories recently created by the Snapchat Team. Over the course of the past year, UNI’s Snapchat stories have blown up with propaganda, fake news and arguably rancid takes across multiple contributors. Recently, the Federal Bureau of Investigations opened a case into the UNI 2026 Snapchat story after multiple reports have been filed. The story received a harsh label of “Hazardous” by the FBI at the end of the case. Agent Kline was the main investigator on the case, and sat down with the Northern Iowan to discuss what this rating means, and how students should navigate it.
“UNI isn’t the only school that was investigated regarding Snapchat stories, for starters. This is a project the FBI has taken across the country. It’s an epidemic,” said Kline. “Hazardous is one of our harsher labels. I mean, some of the takes that we’ve seen on these stories almost affected me – and I’m a former Navy Seal.” Agent Kline is referring to a multitude of posts reviewed by his team. These include cherry picked data posts from Linny, never ending TikToks that make no sense posted by Jonathan, and all of the incessant arguing that occurs on the Snapchat story. “I mean, these were incriminating posts that we found. These should’ve never been posted in the first place,” in reference to some of Linny’s posts. “It just makes you shake your head.”
The Northern Iowan
reached out to both Linny and Jonathon for comment. Jonathan replied to us with a TikTok of Joe Rogan attempting to form a coherent sentence. Linny sent us back a cease and desist letter written by her, not a legal counsel. In big, bold letters at the top, Linny had written “If you publish anything about me, I will post about you on the UNI 2026 Snapchat story and say that the Northern Iowan is fake news.”
Agent Kline recommends to UNI students that they either leave the UNI 2026 Snapchat story, ignore posts from the story, or delete the app altogether. “I haven’t seen much like this. I fear that UNI students will lose whatever brain cells they have left after reading these posts. It’s something that could really threaten the security of the university.”
As the Northern Iowan has previously reported, the SAE house is being sold by the fraternity for $1.3 million dollars. Recently, the seasonal halloween company, Spirit Halloween, announced its acquisition of the building.
The house resides just across the street from campus, and half a block from College Hill. The university anticipates an economic boom for the campus and the city of Cedar Falls.
“This means a lot for this university,” Nark Mook said in a statement. “Students will be able to access halloween from right across the street, instead of from 12 miles away in College Square Mall.”
One of the largest problems the university may face with a seasonal store acquiring the house is the emptiness outside of the fall season.
“We’ve considered that,” Mook said. “And I don’t really care. I’d rather it sit empty for more than half the year than make the rash decision to sell it to a church.”
Mook is referencing the offer made by a local church this past week after touring the house.
“I couldn’t believe they still wanted it after seeing and smelling the inside,” an
anonymous SAE member told the Northern Iowan. “There’s just no way to get the frat out of that place. They’d have to do an exorcism on it to even consider holding mass there. Not even Jesus could accept some of the things that have happened in that basement.”
In an agreement with the university, SAE reportedly turned the church’s offer down out of respect for the religion.
University freshmen expressed excitement about the recent acquisition. “They
did this for us,” said freshman business major Kaleb Smith. “Last halloween I swiped my parent’s credit card at least 30 times at Spirit Halloween.”
Smith told the Northern Iowan he ended up going to three different hal-
I think that SAE’s of times past would be happy knowing that their former house is now essentially a lingerie shop.
loween parties, all dressed as Elvis, stating, “It was lit.” Freshman communications major Elle Jones finds the acquisition fitting. “I think that SAE’s of times past would be happy knowing that their former house is now
essentially a lingerie shop.” Freshman public health major Kylie Koops had a different opinion. “I mean, it’s just more corporate greed being pumped out,” she shrugged. “But what can you expect?”
The Spirit Halloween is set to open this upcoming fall, a sharp turnaround after their recent purchase. The final leases will be up in May, and Spirit Halloween will move in quickly after. Their target opening date is Oct. 1, 2024.
We’ve seen the big game in The SuperDome, Sofi Stadium, and most recently Allegiant Stadium. It was only a matter of time before the UNI-Dome was selected to host the Super Bowl.
This will be the first Super Bowl that the UNI-Dome has hosted since it opened in 1976.
“The dome is an icon not only in the state of Iowa but around the world as well,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Godell. We want football fans to experience the electric atmosphere of this great stadium.”
Cedar Falls will become the lowest populated city to host a Super Bowl, with 40,000 residents, since Jacksonville, who had 145,000 residents at the time, hosted in 2005.
Just like the Panther football games, all students at the University of Northern Iowa will get free entry into the game by just scanning your student ID. TC and TK will be greeting all guests upon entry along with University President Mark Nook.
Former Northern Iowa quarterback and two time NFL MVP Kurt Warner will be playing all-time quarterback for both teams that participate in the game. The Hall of Fame
quarterback will be guaranteed his second Super Bowl ring regardless of who wins the game.
The University of Northern Iowa and the National Football League also reached an agreement that the winner of the 2030 Super Bowl will have to play a second game versus the Northern Iowa football team to determine the true Super Bowl champion.
In terms of hospitality, one team will be staying in Panther Village and another will be staying in Noehren Hall. You think visit days are bad in the dining hall? Both teams will be eating all of their meals in Piazza during their stay. Better save up those dining dollars for the second week in February.
The national anthem will be sung by 14 time grammy award winner Taylor Swift and nine-time Pro Bowler Travis Kelce. The halftime show will be performed by none other than famous composer Ludwig Van Beethoven.
This will be an exciting time for the city of Cedar Falls and the University of Northern Iowa.
The UNI men’s basketball team was putting together scholarships for next season, when a mistake led to Owen Bjorn being on the team. Bjorn, a Swedish international student, is at UNI to study business, and had never even touched a basketball.
“To say I was surprised when I heard I was getting a scholarship to play basketball here would be an understatement. I never played basketball at all growing up in Sweden, and do not really know anything about it. The only sport I ever played was soccer.”
Bjorn received the scholarship in a mess up with now former UNI men’s basketball player Bowen Born. Their names are incredibly close, and the team mistook Bjorn for Born. Born, who has been a key piece ofto the basketball program for sever -
al years now, will not be able to be on the team due to them not having enough scholarships. Born was clearly not pleased with the situation, and opted not to make any comment.
Men’s basketball coach Bon Jakebs was originally frustrated with the mixup, but has found that Bjorn has natural basketball skill.
“Since Owen is receiving that scholarship now, we had to see if he could actually do anything on the court. We got him in the gym for a workout, and while I had zero expectations for what might happen, he really impressed me. He can shoot the ball, and has tremendous court vision and passing ability.”
While there is quite a while before the start of next season, coach made it seem like Bjorn could have a real chance to make an impact on the floor.
“I would say that right now, Bjorn has a chance to start at point guard for
us. We are going to keep working with him, and if he continues to improve at the rate he has been, he could be one of the better players in the conference.”
Bjorn was originally uncertain about being a member of the team, but has learned to greatly enjoy the game of basketball.
“I started playing basketball just a couple of days ago, and I am already starting to love the game. Coach seemed to be impressed with what I showed him. I don’t really know what I am doing out there, but I am excited to learn. I can really see myself finding a nice spot on the team.”
What originally seemed like a disaster for the basketball team, may end up being a huge positive. We have to wait and see, but Bjorn might just be the next great thing for UNI basketball.
The University of Northern Iowa is adding a professional tag team.
Yep. You read that right. A professional tag team.
The university announced on Monday, April 1, that the addition of a professional tag team will be in effect at the start of the 2024-25 school year. Professional tag has been a hot topic among the NCAA, with over 50 Division I teams adding a team in the past couple months.
KOHEN CAMPUAS future superstar freshman Emerson Hahn will be the head coach. Hahn comes from a prestigious coaching background, coaching tag for the past five years at Bishop Sycamore University. He led the Centurions to three championships in his illustrious run. He also coached 8U flag football for three years. He led his team to a 19-5 record, including two Super Bowl appearances and one championship.
The rules of tag are quite simple. Each team will have three rounds to be the “tagging team.” The “tagging team” will elect a player to do the tagging for each round, and each round must have a new player. The tagger must tag the opposing five players as quickly as possible. After three rounds are complete, the team with the lowest amount of time will be victorious. There is a 20-player max to each team. UNI also announced that
“I am very excited to be the first head coach of the UNI tag team,” Hahn said. “I am looking forward to seeing what the players have to offer and I am ready to represent the school with class and dignity.”
Hahn’s team will be led by star freshman kinesiology major Taren Leichliter. Leichliter is a native of Point Nemo, which is literally in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, isolated from human activity. There, he trained every day since he was four years old, hoping for an opportunity like this
to arise. Leichliter showed large amounts of promise during the capture the flag game at the CAB welcome event in August. Leichliter helped team purple secure the win by snatching the flag and bravely running it back through enemy territory.
“I was impressed with the grit that he showed during capture the flag,” coach Hahn said about Leichliter. “I think his speed, athleticism and knowledge of the game will translate to tag and help our team significantly.”
Leichliter and the UNI Panther tag team agreed to a four-year deal that gives him unlimited dining dollars and also includes a parking pass that allows him to park anywhere on campus without getting a ticket. As for the rest of the team, open tryouts will be available at the Towers soccer field on April 4 from 4-5pm. Email uniprofessionaltag@uni.edu for any further questions.
UNI will be tagging soon.
The University of Northern Iowa wrestling team announced Monday they will be transitioning into a mixed martial arts club in the near future. The decision was made by Dawg Schob and some of UNI’s top wrestlers, concluding it was time to take their skills to the next level. The team, now called “The Panther Pack-a-Punch Bunch,” will forgo next year’s collegiate season and train members to fight in mixed martial arts.
“After our successful performances at the Big 12 and National meets, we decided it was time to move the program in a new direction,” stated coach Schob in the official press conference Monday, “We hope other teams in collegiate wrestling will follow suit.”
Completely surprised by the announcement, the press was very confused on what to ask Schob next, as the room stood quiet for a while after.
“As for UNI, we will still be funded and supported by
the school, as (President) Mook and I have already been in discussions,” Schob concluded.
“Coach, I’m sorry but what? Your team just came off arguably the best season in the school’s history, and now you want to change the program?” a reporter asked, breaking the silence.
“Yes, yes. I know we sent seven guys to the National tournament and even brought home a champion, we as a team felt like this was the best decision. Think about it, we have some of the best wrestlers in the country here at UNI. Wouldn’t it be like … totally sick if they could kick and punch in their matches too?” Schwab responded.
The room went quiet once again.
Sparky Keckensen, also present for the press conference, finally spoke up to break the silence once again.
“I assume you want to know my side of things. Well, after winning the Natty, I thought to myself ‘Well, I made it, what’s next for me?’ I did a lot of soul searching this past week, and I came to the conclusion that I should give MMA a fight. Schob already set up a match for me and everything,” Keckensen said.
The reporters broke their
silence and asked a frenzy of questions after Keckensen’s comments. Though mixed and hard to understand, the general consensus of what they all wanted to know was the same: who would Sparky fight?
“Yes, yes. Thank you for bringing that up Sparky,” Schob responded, “I am pleased to announce that Sparky will make his debut on the MMA circuit this August, fighting current Heavyweight Champion Jon ‘Bones’ Jones for the belt.”
There was yet another brief pause in the room, then the reporters turned into a frenzy again.
“Jon Jones is one of the greatest MMA fighters of all time, that’s his first fight?”, “Sparky, you haven’t even trained in MMA, what makes you think you are ready for Jon Jones?” , “Sparky, my infant son’s first words were ‘Keckensen, how could you do this to me?”, were all overheard in the press conference during this time.
“I know you all are a bit shocked by this news, but we feel, as his coaches, Sparky is more than prepared to take on the Mr. Jones with his current training regime. All we’ll have to do is pack on some mass this summer and he will be ready for the fight come
August,” Schob said to ease the crowd, “Until then, we hope to see you all follow along with us on our new journey.”
Schob and Keckensen then left the press conference, leaving the reporters with more questions than answers. It is unclear at this time when they will be back to speak more on the subject, but for now what is known is UNI Panther wrestling as we know it is no more.
Since the news broke, several wrestlers from other programs have entered into the transfer portal with the intention to compete for the Panther Pack-a-Punch Bunch. Notable names include Iowa State National Champion Dave Corre, Penn State National Champion Aron Broks, and many others.
The UNI wrestling facilities will be converted into MMA gyms for the wrestlers, or fighters, to train year round. At this time, the University has yet to officially speak on the matter, as several people have already gathered outside President Mook’s house in protest.
The Northern Iowan will follow the situation as it develops.
On the heels of Jake from State Farm attending Caitlin Clark’s record-breaking game in Iowa, the GEICO Gecko announced that he has purchased season tickets for UNI’s upcoming season. The two insurance goliaths have been feuding lately and State Farm has recently gotten the upper hand through the publicity that Jake obtained during his time at the Iowa game.
“Women’s basketball in Iowa is hotter than it has ever been,” the Gecko explained. “I wanted to attend games of a really hot team that isn’t as widely known as some of the superpowers like UConn and LSU. UNI ticked all the boxes and I can’t wait to be there at every game.”
The Gecko is already close personal friends of some of the players, which made his decision to get season tickets for the Panthers even easier.
“We’ve known him for a while. He’s chill, I guess,”an unnamed player said.
The Panthers will prepare to make waves next season as more eyes will be on their games as one of the biggest celebrities in the world of insurance will be in the McLeod center for every single home game. There are also rumors that the Gecko will invite his fellow GEICO alumni Camel and Caveman to attend some of the games with him.
“Some of the games fall on HUMP DAY so you best believe I’ll be there,” Camel said.
UNI and Iowa will not be
Just when it seemed like the college sports conference realignment wheel had stopped spinning, the SEC seized headlines again when it announced the addition of four new universities: Washington State, San Diego State, Connecticut and the UNI Panthers. The odd and unexpected assortment of additions were part of an effort to become the first national football conference.
“Our Four Corners Plan has enabled the SEC to become the first truly nationwide NCAA conference, with a team in every corner
the only teams affected by the great insurance war of 2024. Iowa State has announced that Flo from Progressive will be there to cheer on Audi Crooks and the rest of the Cyclones for a few games next season. Drake has also announced plans to reach out to Mayhem
from AllState to also capitalize on the fame that these insurance companies bring.
The Gecko arriving on the scene for the UNI games will be a game-changing move for the university, as many people will be flocking to the McLeod Center to see the celebrity in
the flesh. It is a sign of things to come as many other celebrities such as Donnie Osmund, Lil Pump and more have shown interest in venturing into the Cedar Valley to see the team in action.
of the United States,” Greg Sankey, the SEC commissioner, announced. “The Big Ten claimed to be, as they stretched from New Jersey to California, but can they really claim any of the South? No.”
The oddest member of the new group was undoubtedly the Panthers. UNI was the only FCS member to receive an invitation and be in the middle of the U.S., not on a corner. “To be honest, we needed to make it an even amount. We already had the southeast corner covered, and only needed three other teams, so they became the fourth addition. The Big 12 and Big Ten each have a school from Iowa,
so it made sense for us to also have one to prove our superiority. Plus, they’re right in the middle of the country, which we didn’t have much control over,” Sankey explained. “Of course, the most important reason we added Northern Iowa is the UNI Dome, as we didn’t have any football teams with domed stadiums. Well, we do now, and the Big Ten and Big 12 don’t.”
Sankey was also asked about his plan regarding these schools’ other sports. Sankey appeared taken aback by the question. “Other sports? They have other sports? As long as they play football and basketball, I could care less.”
Interim athletic director for UNI Bob Bowlsby also gave a statement on the surprise relocation. “I know this move might come as a shock to many of you. To be honest, it came as a shock to me, too. I can assure you, much thought and consideration was put into the 45 minutes we took to make this momentous decision. There are only two constants in this new world of college football: the Big Ten and the SEC. Any kind of offer from either is too good to pass up. Plus, did you see the money they offered us?”
The specifics on the cash in the deal have not been released yet, but sources say that the new schools might get a “junior” cut of “only” $30 million, which would be almost double UNI’s current athletics budget. “Of course, some of that increased revenue
will have to go to NIL funds to lure top athletes, facility upgrades to catch up to the other schools, and staff pay raises. So, will it really bring in that much extra for the university? Maybe, but probably not,” Bowlsby clarified.
Some of the athletes seemed excited. One quarterback, who wished to remain anonymous, told me, “I’m excited to get a chance to prove my talent against the SEC once I win the starting QB job. If I can win a few games and really shine, I have a much higher chance of getting on NFL draft boards.”
However, there are some detractors to the upcoming move. One anonymous offensive lineman said, “I know some of the guys are excited for the step-up in competition, but have they seen those defensive linemen in the SEC? Don’t get me wrong. I plan to put in the work. I’m just saying, it’ll be a miracle if we all survive the Georgia game.”
A protest movement to stop the upcoming conference change involving athletes in other sports has sprung up recently. “It might not be a big deal for the football team, since they only play one game a week. But for us, playing in Connecticut followed by San Diego in the same week is ridiculous,” one unnamed volleyball player mentioned as a reason she opposed the move. One cross country runner also mentioned the issue of conflicts with academics. “I care about my academic
performance too, and having a cross country meet in the state of Florida the same day as an exam is a hassle. My professors have worked with me and my schedule, but still, it is kind of annoying.”
The Missouri Valley Conference also reached out with a statement, saying they were disappointed in the news, especially considering their own plans. “We’ve been in talks with the Mountain West and Big Sky to bring back the PAC-12. Once we do, they’ll be sorry for jumping ship!”
Despite the controversies, it seems like neither party involved will change their minds. Sankey was asked if there were any potential NCAA violations with the new moves that would warrant reconsideration. “Rules? We’re the SEC. We are college football. And if you think we’re going to stop here, you’ve got another thing coming. We won’t stop until the Big Ten and NCAA come to us on their knees begging for mercy. Then I will control college sports, a crucial step in my evil plan to take over the world!” Sankey concluded the press conference with a diabolical laugh that reporters found slightly unusual but shrugged off.
As this article was going to press, we received unconfirmed reports that the ACC is in talks to add Drake University so that they are not the only Power 5 — I mean, Power 4 — conference without a team from Iowa.
