The Noisy Neighbors

by Anonymous

“Tell us what you know about the disappearance of your neighbor Jeff,” instructs the police officer. “It was a great spring day, the first day in a while it had been over 50 degrees. I was out on my porch, listening to the birds and watching them go wild for the fresh birdseed in the feeder. That chirp warms my heart. It shows me it is finally spring and that winter is done. It brightens my day every morning when I sit out there watching those birds, reading my newspaper, and drinking my piping hot coffee.” “How did you know Jeff and Katie were having relationship issues?” asks the officer.

“How did I know? I couldn’t hear my birds chirping over them talking… and Jeff and Katie were arguing inside their house. Nothing annoys me more than when my neighbors are loud and ruin my morning. I hear everything in our community and if I don’t firsthand, someone tells me. I like to think of myself as the community guardian. I used to be a schoolteacher and learned a thing or two about how to hear the gossip in the classroom, so I just use those tricks I learned to know about what happens in my community. “Jeff’s brother needed a ride home from his mission trip. He was flying into Oregon and asked Jeff if he would drive cross country to Oregon from New Hampshire to pick him up. In exchange for driving out to the opposite coast, Simeon told Jeff they would make a week of it and stop at different places across the country since it is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Katie, being pregnant, wasn’t having it. She was due in a month and there was no way Jeff was leaving for a week to go across the country while she was home alone, pregnant, and needing company. It’s the middle of a PANDEMIC. “That’s when things heated up. “Katie yelled, ‘You are NOT leaving me alone and pregnant here so you can go on a trip across the country to be with your brother’. “Jeff replied in a loud voice, ‘I can do what I want. I’m a grown-ass man! I thought when we got married you would change and be less controlling, but you are the same controlling, emotional teenager you were in high school!’ “Neither of them said a word since, and it’s been four days. How can you live in the same house and not acknowledge each other’s existence for four straight days? When do you cave in and say you are wrong for the better of the relationship? “Finally, Jeff broke the silence by saying under his breath while walking to their cars on their way to work, ‘I hope our kid doesn’t turn out like you, always trying to control everything.’ “8:37 a.m. last Monday was the last time I saw my neighbor Jeff. Poor guy. At least I can finally get back to my peaceful mornings with him gone and her quiet. “Now if there isn’t anything else you need from me, I’m going to go home and watch Ellen.”