Makaylla Maldonado Empty Capsules

MAKAYLLA MALDONADO

Empty Capsules

When I drew my attention to the glass, I saw the familiarity that was our home. More specifically, what we saw day-in and day-out. It wasn’t welcoming, but we were always greeted with a slate-colored sky and shimmering grass. The sun was always hiding behind a blanket of cotton and whenever this blanket got rung out, it’d drop its excess water onto the earth below. Although gloomy days and persistent rain were common here, we usually did experience all four seasons in one week. Hell, here in Blackwood, we were sometimes lucky enough to experience all four seasons in one day. “What are you staring at?” She asked, which resulted in me blinking a few times and turning my head to look over at her. She gawked up at me with a contorted face. Sarah’s nose was scrunched, and her brows furrowed under misted and squinty eyes. She wasn’t a morning person, and I knew that. “Nothing, just the weather I guess,” I admitted as I stepped back from my window. We both walked into the kitchen but parted ways once we got to the wooden tabletop. She plucked a plastic bottle from the fridge while I rummaged through the cabinet above the stove. It was the one spot I could put all my prescriptions without her laying her hands on them. This was mainly due to our height difference and how she always grew a little tense whenever the stove was in use. I scanned through every bottle with warm fingertips before I eventually pulled it down to eye level. After seeing the blue scribbles on the lid, I opened the orange capsule before two pills slipped into my palms. With little to no hesitation, I leaned my head back and took them like a shot of bourbon. However, when it comes to the difference between taking a shot and taking pills, I didn’t need a chaser for the medication. Once I put the bottle back in the cabinet and closed its beige doors, I could feel Sarah’s eyes staring me down before I turned to see her. Her beady little eyes were practically searing through my skin and when I made eye contact with her, I felt it shoot through my brain like a bullet.

“I don’t understand why you need to take so many different meds,” she admitted as she turned back to her beverage, almost ashamed to make her remark. “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” “You always say that,” she admitted. She wasn’t wrong, this wasn’t the first time she asked, and this wasn’t the first time I said I’d tell her in the future. I’m sure this wouldn’t be the last time we discuss this either. Over the years, and I mean literal years, this has been an ongoing banter between the two of us. “I promise I’ll tell you when I’m ready to,” I admitted, “you know I don’t break promises.”

After this, all she did was sigh before she leaned back. Sarah untangled her fingers from the tiny holes in her shirt before she crossed her arms over her chest and simply nodded in response. As she lowered her head down, it seemed like she was staring down at the wood flooring, but I couldn’t tell because her face was curtained with her long black hair. The flooring below resembled a light shade of grey and seemed to have matched the gloomy world just beyond the window. It was no surprise that she was looking at it instead of me, although there was no difference between the two. I checked the time on the clock above the stove before I started to trudge towards my bedroom to get ready for the day. My feet slapped down and peeled off the ground with every slap as I ventured down the hallway. It reminded me of when somebody slapped a sticky note on a book then peeled it off the cover at a steady speed. “Don’t you work today, Jere?” She asked. She always called me that. Well, when she was little, she called me “dare”, but she never used my full first name. She always thought it was too formal, and I was the furthest thing from that. “Sometime in the evening. Why?” I started from the other room. Although she was still a few feet away, I could hear my voice echoing down the hallway to reach her. “Do you have somewhere you want to go beforehand?” “No, I was just wondering,” she admitted as she set her bottle down, or I could assume she did. I couldn’t see her, but I could hear the plastic hitting the tabletop with a subtle thunk. “I’ll be back by eight if you want to do something when I come back. I think Colin will be over too.” I admitted. Without her saying anything, I could assume that she had a toothy grin plastered across her lips. Colin was my best friend. We’ve been best friends since kindergarten and regardless of everything over the years, he’s the only thing that has remained the same. Hell, it wasn’t hard to tell that I’ve changed quite a bit. Sarah, on the other hand, has been persistent with her positive attitude and naïve sense of self. Other than her height change and her need for pads every few months, she has stayed the same throughout the years. I didn’t think the incident would really affect her, solely because her brain was the size of a clementine, and she didn’t even know how to verbalize any real words. She was too young to remember what happened, but that was probably for the best. I remember it like it was yesterday. Most people say this and refer to an amazing experience, like when somebody’s child gets married or when a teenager goes to prom with their crush. However, in this case, I only remember this incident vividly solely because I see it every time I close my eyes. Despite this being over a decade ago, this is the accident that kept me on meds, the encounter that caused our parents to split, and the incident that made me grow up too fast. This was the event that I refused to tell Sarah about, and this is why I didn’t want to tell her about the meds I take. If she knew, she wouldn’t be the bubbly fifteen-year-old that I know and love today. Once the sun had fallen behind the trees and the warm hues in the sky shifted to twilight, I came back to our home. Maybe “home” wasn’t the best word to describe the shambles that we

resided in, but it would grant me dirty looks and scrunched faces if I called it anything else, especially out in public. Although there wasn’t much natural light, the headlights of my car illuminated the front of the ranch house and I stared ahead. I remember thinking this place was a wonder. I could still recall when the aluminum siding was still white instead of the cream color it turned out to be today. I remember the grass being as vibrant and soft as a blanket, I could remember the burning bushes on the sides of the garage and the morning glories that spread around the porch. Today, the pale yellow grass was stiffened, the burning bushes were now bare, and the flowers hid their indigo petals from the world. Once the headlights glow faded after I snatched my keys from the ignition, I popped my door open and then slammed it shut behind me. I didn’t slam it out of anger, but my car doors wouldn’t fully close unless I closed them with a great amount of force like that. I could barely make it out, but I saw Colin’s black Honda Accord in the driveway. Well, it was parked on the extended piece of cement that wrapped around the side of the house. I remembered when that was installed too. My dad got it because he wanted to park his truck somewhere other than the side of the road. I remember when the grey mush turned into a white slab. Today, it was a cracked and weathered sheet of beige with grey chunks in it. When I fully processed that Colin was here, I felt a sigh creep up my throat and slip out of my nostrils as I slumped on my feet. Although I was veering into my twenties and Colin was barely an adult, he felt like an older brother to me. Whenever I was feeling run down, he was always there. He was always like that, even back then. When I stepped inside, I was welcomed with The Evil Dead playing on the television. The screams and mockery practically echoed throughout the house, but it wasn’t annoying at all. In fact, it was merely pleasant. It was like background noise at this point. Although these films only aired because Halloween was just around the corner, they were a pleasure to have on. For us horror buffs, every day was Halloween. I found myself drawing closer to the television, but I took a sharp right once I got past the coffee table and strolled into the kitchen to get a beverage, preferably a can of Diet Dr Pepper: a sweet, bubbly refresher. As I had mymind dead-set on that drink, I quickly snapped out of it when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Out of instinct, I flinched and about slapped the hell out of whatever, or whoever was behind me. Fortunately, it was Colin. “Woah! Chill out Jeremy, it’s only me,” he admitted as he held his palms up in defense. After seeing his gleaming smile and the glare of the light on his bottom lip ring, I sighed and relaxed once more. My shoulders lowered as my hands slid off his jacket and flopped down to my side. Although my body slumped back a bit, my heart was pounding through my chest and beat a persistent melody in my eardrums. “Sorry if I startled you,” he added. “It’s fine,” I admitted as I looked down at him. I was practically towering over him due to the height difference, but he looked more intimidating than me to say the least, especially in build and looks. We didn’t contrast too much, especially when it came to aesthetics and likes, but it was weird really, this whole relationship we had. After what happened years ago, I got rid of everything and everybody that our parents associated with, including family friends and some items they left

in the house after they left. However, despite all of this, Colin stayed through thick and thin somehow. After the little distraction, I finally went back to what I was doing, which was getting a beverage. I opened the fridge and plucked a can from its cardboard box of a vine. Once I cracked the top open, the crackling sent chills down my spine. It was a rather pleasant sound. I drew the metal to my lips as I scanned around the room. I could see Sarah sitting in the living room as she watched the film in the living room. She was flopped on the wrinkly and almost smokey leather couch in comfort, but it looked like the cushions were swallowing her whole. My attention shortly shifted beside me as I saw Colin grab a box from the table: a semi-thin, square, cardboard box. It was a dark beige, but there was red lettering upon it and some stains on the front of the box. It could only be assumed that this was grease almost splattered across the lid. “I brought pizza, so you didn’t have to make anything,” Colin added after a moment of awkward silence. I didn’t say anything yet, but he could already tell how much I appreciated it. I don’t know how he knew it, but I could tell that he was proud of himself for helping out, solely because his crooked smile slowly spread across his lips and his elbows straightened out as he pushed the box closer to me. “You didn’t have to do that,” I admitted. I’ve said it time and time again, but he doesn’t quite get it. Ever since our parents practically called quits on parenting, Colin was almost always helping us in one way or another. I didn’t mind if he helped, but I hated knowing that he felt obligated to do so. I hated the pity. “Oh, I know,” he admitted. “I wanted to.”

As the evening progressed and time flew by, Sarah called quits and went to bed. The Blair Witch Project came on as Colin and I were slumped on opposite ends of the couch. I checked my watch and saw how late it was getting, but it wasn’t too late yet. In fact, I had to take another dose of my pills. With little to no hesitation. I got up and strolled into the kitchen once more. Colin knew about my meds, so it wasn’t a surprise when I felt his eyes following behind me. In fact, he knew everything about us. Not because he was a creep, but because we were so open to him about everything. Me and Sarah had each other, but we couldn’t share everything with each other. Colin was our middle ground, our outlet. Besides, who else were we going to tell? He was the closest thing to family that we had other than each other. “She asked about the meds again,” I admitted as I opened the orange capsule within my

grasp.

“I figured. She asked me about them when I arrived,” Colin admitted softly. He was always soft spoken, timid almost. I put the bottle back into the cabinet before I closed the door that hid them once more. “Do you keep it a secret because you don’t want her to know about what happened, or because you don’t want her to see you differently?” he asked. “Both,” I admitted. “But I really don’t want her pity,” I added as I took a swig from my pop can.

“You know, it wasn’t your fault, right?” Colin asked. When the words slipped between his lips, I practically crumpled up as the words hit me like stones. I could feel my chest tighten, but not out of fear, which was odd to me. “It wasn’t anybody’s fault. There wasn’t anything you could have done,” he added. “If he hadn’t died then our parents wouldn’t have split and left,” I said numbly. I remembered it clearly, almost like I was reliving the nightmare in my mind. Around the anniversary of this incident, the meds seemed to wear off a bit and the memories grew more frequent and were more soluble. It almost came into my head like flashes of light. It didn’t take long before these images seemed to flood into my brain and shortly consumed my sight. I could feel my body growing heavy and it wasn’t long before I felt my limbs hang and my head lower a bit.

When I was seven, my older brother was seventeen. Stephen would have been eighteen over the next month or two. He only had two semesters left in high school and he was our parents’ favorite. It was as clear as day. I didn’t mind it of course. In fact, I could see why he was more favorable than the rest of us. He was the star baseball player at Blackwood High School, he had a full ride to some college in Georgia, he was dating the love of his life, and he was their oldest child. I don’t remember where I heard this over the years, but it was assumed that the parents took care of and favored the oldest child, and the oldest children were meant to protect and teach the younger ones. In our house, this was how it went. On a certain Friday evening, Stephen was getting ready to go out with his girlfriend. I think her name was Amber, but I didn’t care enough to remember her back then, especially since she always craved his attention and took him away from me every weekend. I remember that on this particular weekend, Colin came over to hang out. Our moms were friends with each other and that is how we initially met. That night, Stephen and Amber were going to leave our house, and they promised to be back by nine. Well, it was nine, then ten, and finally eleven before our mom received the call. Stephen’s car was totaled because theycollided into a drunk driver by the railroad tracks. Amber died on impact, but Stephen was merely flickering eyes in a shell of a body. This was when everything changed. Our parents provided Stephens meds and such, but I had to take care of him starting at age seven. It was depressing really, seeing a child in second grade take care of their now disabled older brother. While my parents worked during the days, I stayed home a lot and took care of Sarah who was two and Stephen. In fact, I missed so much school that I got held back that year. Stephen had these shots that he had to take twice a day, but I never knew what was in the syringes. He needed two millimeters every twelve hours and I had to give them to him. One day, I put in six millimeters and gave it to him because I was supposed to go over to Colins one afternoon and probably stay the night at his place. I gave him this dosage because I still tried to maintain some friendships and have my own life. Instead of giving all my time and energy to Stephen and his needs, I took this one evening and tried to do something I wanted. This was the worst thing I could’ve done, and there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about this selfish act. When I got home, he was dead. Did I do that on purpose? No. Do I regret it? Not really. That was the worst part about it. I’ve ripped myself apart because of this

accident, but I don't regret what I did. In my eyes, this was evil. This was selfish and despicable, and I still had no answer as to why this was so relieving even to this day. After Stephen passed, our parents left us at home more often and they eventually split. However, when it came to who would have custody of us, neither of them wanted to have me or Sarah. She was three and I was eight when Stephen was no longer around. Although they supplied us with money to pay for food and such, it messed with me. I had to grow up faster, I started working and doing schoolwork at the age of fourteen, and I relied on antidepressants and other medications. I didn’t believe in any real diagnoses, but despite this, I had a few pills that I had to take everyday in order to go through the day as a semi-normal person. “I think you should tell her Jeremy,” Colin said, which snapped me out of my dream-like state. “You don’t have to tell her everything, especially not in detail, but you should at least tell her some sort of summary of it. She won’t pity you. She looks up to you and always has, like how you looked up at Stephen.” After an hour or two, Colin left, and I was left with what he suggested to me. I ventured back into my room and was welcomed back to my bed with open warms. Once I accepted this nonverbal invitation, I crawled under the flattened quilt and tried to sleep, but I could not stop myself from thinking about the whole incident all over again. However, this wasn’t the only reason why I was still up. It was my fault, but not entirely. It was all an accident, but I could never convince myself of this. I could tell myself until I was blue in the face, but I’d never believe it. The following morning, after a hot shower and a quick breakfast, I grabbed the orange capsule from the cabinet above the sink then opened it. I grabbed a pill or two then popped it into my mouth before I downed them with ice water I had with my meal beforehand. I stared down at the clear beverage then gently circled my hand, allowing the ice cubes to clank against each other and the sides of the glass. Before long, I heard feet shuffling down the hallway before they stopped with a sudden clap once they hit the wooden flooring again. “What are you doing?” Sarah asked tiredly as she pawed at her eyes. She trudged over to the table then sat down at one of the chairs. This snapped me out of my trance. “Nothing,” I said before I set my cup down at the table. “You know, I think I’m going to call off work for today. I think it’s time you know what happened. I promised that I’d tell you.”