See Me

It’s not that I don’t care, It’s not that I don’t love, It’s not that I hate goodbyes, It’s not that I didn’t try, It’s not that I can’t feel, It’s not that I don’t dream, It’s not that I try to fail, It’s not that I want to be alone, It’s not that I am broken, It’s not that I need forgiveness,

See Me

it’s that I can’t care anymore. it’s that I have no love left.

it's that I am afraid of goodbyes. it’s that I tried too hard. it’s that I now feel numb. it’s that I dream nightmares. it’s that I always seem to fail. it’s that I have to be alone. it’s that I cannot be fixed. it’s that I need acceptance.

JILLIAN WHITE

I Am

I am the sunlight flickering through the branches of oak trees, I am the red leaves swaying in cool autumn wind. I am the winter snowflakes slowly covering the dead rose bush. I am the smell of old books resting on a bookcase.

I am soft angel food cake topped with sweet cream and strawberries. I am a steaming hot cup of coffee (always sweet, never bitter). I am spaghetti, with its overabundance of noodles and too little sauce.

I am the daughter of a woman who walked through fire and waded through poison water to survive. I am the courage and sacrifice of my mother. I am the daughter of a man whose gentleness knew no bounds but was gone from this world too soon. I am from “Learn to control your flames and use them, not extinguish them.” I am from “The light at the end of the tunnel.” I am from “What goes around comes around.” I am from “Beauty is kindness, compassion, and strength.”

Content warning: self harm, suicide

Means to an End

my eyes stare back at me, blood red veins contaminating the milky white. I don’t blink, I don’t think I could if I tried. What does it feel like, I wonder? to know your fate is coming out to you, to know your time is up. am I afraid? Is it cathartic? I don’t know who is staring back at me now. In her eyes, I can see desperation. the desperation to know what it feels like. if one can’t find a way out, one can always make their own way. this is how I save you I whisper to the woman in the mirror. she does not blink, I don’t think she can. I wish you well, I tell the girl. her eyes close at last. the lights shut off abruptly, but I’m far from afraid. the blade falls to the floor knowing its job is done. It was just a means to an end. finally, this means it’s the end.