Operation Three-Legged Dolphin, Issue #6 by Operation Three-Legged Dolphin

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin New this issue:

Issue #6, FALL/WINTER 2011

OPERATION THREE-LEGGED DOLPHIN THE NEW ADVENTURES, Episode 1 Part 1 “Invasion of the Geometrolls” KID EXPERIENCES EXPONENTIAL GROWTH DUE TO EATING EXCESS AMOUNTS OF KiX CEREAL, PRIZES INCLUDE A MYSTERIOUS WORLD WAR II FACTOID

DETAILED MAP OF THE Campus Center ALLOWS FRESHMEN AND OTHERWISE TO FIND THEIR WAY AROUND WITH EASE

MARVEL STUDIOS SET UP NEW LINE OF PRIMETIME TELEVISION SHOWS ON VARIOUS NETWORKS! WHAT REALLY GOES ON BEHIND THE SCENES AT O3LD? THE COLLEGE of STATEN ISLAND ADDS “CLOWN STUDIES” TO ITS LIST OF AVAILABLE UNDERGRADUATE PROGRAMS, COURSE CATALOGUE INCLUDED INSIDE

...and so much more by and for you, the students!

Cover Illustration by Matt Young

O3LD.blogspot.com Facebook.com/OperationThreeLeggedDolphin

O3LD@live.com official magazine e-mail

www.csi.cuny.edu Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is a studentrun organization and is NOT an official publication of the College of Staten Island.

All works contained in this digital issue are distributed with the permission of the original authors and staff. Artwork, Indicia and Content (C) 2011 Operation Three-Legged Dolphin. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin created by Michael Young.

Digital n o i t u b i Distrsrand Terms of Use

Disclaime

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is a student-funded non-profit organization dedicated to providing written entertainment to the College of Staten Island campus community and beyond. We freely distribute our magazine in the hopes that you will enjoy and share it with others, but will do so with respect to our Terms of Use for Digital Distribution: Digital issues of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin are distributed via Issuu.com and are available to the public, free of charge. They can only be shared and redistributed AS IS, without modification. If you want to directly link to any of the PDFs or the blog, or if you want to feature our magazine on your own blog or website, please let us know at our e-mail address: O3LD@live.com.

CONTENT DISCLAIMER:

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is published by the students of the College of Staten Island. All works contained within this publication are the property of the creators and are protected by copyright law. No materials within this publication may be reprinted in whole or in part, in any form, without the permission of the editors. All content (articles, comic strips, etc.) published in this magazine are works of fiction. Any references to actual events or people are only for satirical purposes. Some works may contain direct or indirect references to certain registered trademarks and are only done so under terms of Fair Use. Opinions expressed herein are those of the writers, and are not necessarily shared by the Operation Three-Legged Dolphin staff or the College of Staten Island. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is not a publication of the College of Staten Island or The City University of New York. The College of Staten Island and The City University of New York are not responsible for the contents of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is meant to appeal to a mature audience, and may contain material that parents may not find suitable for younger readers.

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is a community effort, kept alive by the very creative and very talented individuals of CSI’s student body. We thank our staff for making the magazine what it is today through their hard work and dedication.

OPERATION THREE-LEGGED DOLPHIN STAFF as of ISSUE #6

Edward Peppe SECRETARY Dan Brown TREASURER Eric Van Wolken EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

PROMOTIONS

Matt Young FACULTY ADVISOR Catherine Lavender CREATIVE CONSULTANT Michael Young

ASSISTANT EDITOR

Stephanie Kaplan

STAFF CONTRIBUTORS GUEST CONTRIBUTORS

EDWARD PEPPE MATT YOUNG DAVE SANTOS ANNA SIROTA

ERIC VAN WOLKEN DANIEL BROWN NINA MUSILLO

SPENCER BOLLETTIERI STEPHANIE KAPLAN JANNA TOPUZIS

SAUL RAMIREZ MICHAEL YOUNG ‘10 ANDREW OPPENHEIMER ‘11 ANTHONY LoGATTO

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin 2800 Victory Boulevard Staten Island, New York 10314 Building 1C, Room 230

CONTACT THE MAGAZINE:

O3LD@live.com

michaelyoung21@gmail.com edward.peppe@cix.csi.cuny.edu

Table of Contents ISSUE #6 ~ FALL/WINTER 2011

FEATURED THIS ISSUE:

O3LD: The New Adventures Ep. 1 Part 1 by ED PEPPE, Inspired by MIKE YOUNG ‘10

Two years after conquering the treacherous Palin Beast, our three-legged hero has held shelter from the relentless pursuit of the United States Government at the CSI campus. He has maintained vigilante status by rescuing our fellow students and faculty from strange and mysterious creatures from unknown origins. When a swarm of “Geometrolls” holds the Math department hostage, steals their identities and their classes, it is up to the Dolphin to keep the peace and find out who is after him, and why. This is part one of a two-part episode. Look for part two in O3LD7.

pg. 1

CSI STUDENT GROWS TO GARGANTUAN PROPORTIONS FROM EATING KIX CEREAL by MATT YOUNG pg. 9 ANGRY BIRDS: FLOCK OF ANGER FLIES SOUTH by ANTHONY LoGATTO with help from ELENA LoGATTO, Illustrated by NINA MUSILLO & JANNA TOPUZIS

pg. 10

MARVEL TV INTRODUCES FALL 2012 LINEUP by SPENCER BOLLETTIERI, Illustrated by DAVE SANTOS

pg. 13

It seems as if though nature documentaries have hit an all-time low now that O3LD has once again stuck its bottle-nose where it doesn’t belong. See what happens when one of our hard-working reporters does an extensive investigation on the famous Angry Birds in their conquest to rescue their precious unborn young.

Comic book superheroes and villians are losing their appeal. In these tough times, whatever decisions Marvel Comics makes from here on in could make or break the future of the industry. Which is why they have decided to launch a line of primetime television shows featuring the two-dimensional cast of characters themselves, leaving us at O3LD to ask “What could possibly go wrong?”

THAT COLLEGE GUY by MIKE YOUNG ‘10 pg. 14 REJECTED O3LD MERCHANDISE by STEPHANIE KAPLAN, MATT YOUNG & the O3LD STAFF

Just like anyone with access to a marketable idea or trademark, we’re feeling the need to pimp out our famed mascot for the purpose of exposure. With the help of a new “Marketing” person, we have come up with a variety of promotional items that will help get word out about the dolphin. And just for shits and giggles, we’ve also decided to print out the list of items that you will NOT be getting your hands on anytime soon.

pg. 16

Introducing: The MECHA PHIL MASCIANTONIO! by MATT YOUNG pg. 17 MAP of the CAMPUS CENTER by MATT YOUNG, DAN BROWN, ED PEPPE & the O3LD STAFF

pg. 18

Introducing: The BROPHONES! by ERIC VAN WOLKEN pg. 26 WHAT REALLY GOES ON AT O3LD! by MATT YOUNG, DAN BROWN, SPENCER BOLLETTIERI & ED PEPPE pg. 27 llustrated by MATT YOUNG, with inspiration from ANDREW OPPENHEIMER MAYOR McCHEESE CAUGHT SEXTING by SPENCER BOLLETTIERI, Illustrated by MATT YOUNG

pg. 29

VIKINGS (RE-)TEACH HISTORY CLASSES by DAN BROWN, Illustrated by NINA MUSILLO

pg. 31

THREE CHEEZ-ITS SENT OVERSEAS WITH EASE by MATT YOUNG, Illustrated by ED PEPPE

pg. 32

A sexual harassment scandal has sent a dark cloud over the normally happy, innocent and grease-filled kingdom of Mcdonaldland involving its mayor! Trouble arises when a few steamy pictures of the mayor are “accidentally” sent to various victims across the land. If you recognize any of the characters in this article, congratulations...you are officially old.

What happens if what your History professor is teaching is inaccurate? Apparently, it causes vikings to descend to Earth, kill off the entire department, take over the class, and decide to teach you and your fellow students about what it is to act like a proper viking.

ADVENTURES OF THE UNDERGROUND by ERIC VAN WOLKEN pg. 34 AMERICAN SCAVENGERS by SPENCER BOLLETTIERI, Illustrated by ERIC VAN WOLKEN

pg. 38

CSI ADDS TWO NEW STUDENT CLUBS! by SPENCER BOLLETTIERI, Illustrated by ANNA SIROTA

pg. 40

The History Channel’s writers and producers are back in full swing with their latest television show which will blow your mind, that is, if it isn’t taken for scientific research first. As a sequel to American Pickers, American Scavengers depicts the less than glamerous lifestyle that comes with working in the lucrative field of organ harvesting.

O3LD: The New Adventures Ep. 1

Continued on p. 22

CSI Student Grows to Gargantuan Proportions From Eating KiX Cereal

CSI Student GrowS to GarGantuan ProPortIonS From eatInG KIX Cereal wrItten and IlluStrated by Matt Young

ollege student Handsome Mann has continually grown at a rapid and abnormal rate after consuming a “landfill” of KiX brand cereal. As of this moment, the student is currently one hundred feet tall. “I’m just glad I have large junk now,” said Handsome. Handsome now refers to himself as “King Dong.”

Handsome’s mother, Mrs. Handsome Mann, exclaimed, “It’s not like the dumb commercial where the kid sits on the KiX box and fakes his growth. My son actually grew big! This is a serious issue!” “It’s a scientifically proven fact that KiX makes you grow- but even with all the hormones in it, this level of growth is a rare phenomenon,” says Prof. Stella Stool. She continued, “We think that the milk in the cereal is also filled with an abnormal amount of hormones; it’s the same reason why we see ten-year-old girls being mistaken for college

students. The farmers are feeding those cows some really crazy stuff!” Stool’s statements immediately prompted an investigation of the Milk Farms farm. It turns out that what’s making cows grow so big is…KiX cereal! It’s all part of a vicious cycle! Later studies reveal that Handsome grew to this size as a result of radiation exposure from a KiX-brand atomic bomb ring (this really existed). General Mills gave it out shortly after America dropped the atom bombs on Japanese cities Hiroshima and Nagasaki (no, really…this actually existed). It was available through submitting fifteen cents plus a boxtop. So, now Handsome has become less of a “King Kong”, and more of a “Godzilla.” This is because Godzilla is a metaphor and a representation of the United States and the atomic radiation in Japan during World War II. However, the people behind the North American edition of the original “Godzilla” did not want viewers to believe that. On an unrelated note- Godzilla vs. Mothra is killer awesome. Anyone who dares to say that butterflies can’t wreck shit has never seen this movie.

Angry Birds: Flight of Anger Goes South

Angry Birds: Flight oF Anger goes south Written By Anthony LoGatto With help From Elena LoGatto illustrAted By Nina Musillo And Janna Topuzis

green piggies. What purpose do the pigs have with these eggs? Perhaps a suicide ritual to see uring one of my daily ex- if green eggs and ham is possible? Whatever the reason, these birds want their eggs back, cursions to the deep forest, I heard a cry from a group of creatures. Cu- and they’re already on the warpath. Curious to see how far these birds would riosity abounds as I went forward to go in their one-sided revenge scheme, I studied find the source of the noise. What these birds in their natural habitat. There were several different sorts of birds that were runI saw was an unbelievable sight: around, or rolling around due to the lack several birds of different colors, get- ning of legs, trying to get their eggs back. ting confused over the eggs that are There was a normal looking red bird; a small blue bird that can split into three differmissing from their nest. These birds birds for attack; a triangular yellow bird appeared upset at first, but then they ent that is the speedy one, as well as resembling were beyond upset. Suffice to say, Bert from Sesame Street; a huge, round black bird that resembled a bomb (from what I can these birds were pretty... angry. tell, that’s not just why he’s shaped like that); a The birds were arguing amongst themselves large, oval shaped bird which is able to hatch over who the cause of the thievery was. They eggs onto its targets (but deflates like a week then notice some tracks leading to a group old balloon in the process); and a smaller, of round green pigs. Several of the pigs were green bird that has the power to hit back, small; some were bigger. Some of the big pigs had either a helmet, a mustache or a crown; the hence its boomerang-like shape. one who had it is probably the king of these

Angry Birds: Flight of Anger Goes South

What these birds are planning to do is a shocker to me. They’re willing to go on a kamikaze mission to smash the many homes of the green pigs; something that the Big Bad Wolf failed to do many years ago. As we see these birds run around in their natural habitat, they showed me a huge slingshot, entirely made out of trees. The very first question I asked myself is “How on God’s green Earth can these birds create a slingshot that big?” From what the birds were telling me, the slingshot wasn’t the original idea. They first gathered alligators (a green pig’s natural enemy) in order to get the eggs back, but it backfired on them horribly, thus extincting a rare purple, dodo-like bird in the process. Then comes the question on how they created the giant slingshot in the first place. Due to the lack of wings and legs, the task would seem impossible. However, one of the birds pulled a diagram from a tree branch, and it explains everything: according to the chart, it shows the tree before it turns into the slingshot. The next image shows the birds “flying” into it and crashing into the tree head first. The next picture shows several more birds doing the same thing shown in step two. And the final image shows them all on the ground with lumps on their heads, but shows the giant slingshot in its finished form. It is still perplexing that these birds are going this far in getting their eggs back from the pigs. Before I could tell them to get over what had happened to their eggs, one of the yellow birds immediately spotted the pigs in one of their hideouts, which is a barricade filled with wood, stone and glass. As these birds hopped over to their target, they gathered around the giant slingshot like it was a shrine. One of the birds, a red one, hopped onto the slingshot and pulled itself to set its coordinates for the target. Before I could say anything, the bird launched himself onto the barricade and smashes head first into it, barely making a scratch. But these birds were not going to give up. One-by-one, I saw each bird go onto the slingshot and fling themselves like volleyballs onto the pigs.

hideout until all the pigs were destroyed. The birds give out a cheer as their fallen comrades remain on the ground. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue seeing these birds go forward, but they insisted that I come along. Reluctantly, I had no other choice; research is research after all.

Minute by minute, hour-by-hour, day-byday, week-after-week, month upon month, these birds attacked the green pigs in their homes as they continue on their suicide mission to get their eggs back. As I see these birds fly across the air like baseballs (or cannonballs, depending on the size of each bird), I am amazed yet saddened that these birds were killing themselves to retrieve their eggs from these rotund green pigs. Either this is some crazy sort of devotion to keep their bloodline alive, or just plain stupidity. Either way, some researchers such as I are intrigued that these birds put their lives on the line to save their eggs.

Angry Birds: Flight of Anger Goes South

As I still watched these birds in their natural habitat, creating a piggy genocide, I’m left to ponder our existence as a culture and as human beings. Are we all taking everything too seriously when it comes to our goals? Why do we go into new things head first without thinking of the consequences? How do these birds keep multiplying at an alarming rate if each of them are suffering from a concussion? And where do those pigs get those planks of wood, as well as rocks and glass? They don’t even have hooves! How can they make a stone block from cement without appendages?!

After several days of this mindless battle, the birds finally make to their natural enemy’s main hideout. It appeared to be fortified with enough wood, stone and glass that it would make Muammar Khadafi look jealous that his palace wasn’t fortified enough (no, it’s not too early...it was never too early). Several of the normal birds (the red, the blue and the yellow) tried their best to knock down the structure and destroy the king pig and the rest of the pigs in the process, but the fort was to tough to knock down. Not even the boomerang birds could destroy the structure. That’s when they

decided to bring out the big guns. An entire barrage of black bomb birds and white egg birds were flying over my head and heading towards the structure. The white birds proceeded to annihilate the stone from the structure, and the bomb birds blew themselves up until many of the pigs were destroyed. As soon as the dust settled, the pigs were gone; defeated. The birds cheered and celebrated their victory, much to the chagrin of their fallen comrades. It appears that they got their eggs back after all these days. The birds took me with them back to the woods to celebrate their victory. They may have figured “I couldn’t survive on figs and berries alone,” so they served me green bacon from the remains of the pigs they annihilated. From what I could tell, these birds were no longer angry, but were now happy that their eggs have returned to their home. Surprisingly enough, some of the eggs managed to hatch, revealing several more of these angry birds. It seems that these birds were at peace. But one thing still bugged me: what would happen if the pigs returned? Will there be more bloodshed and ruffled feathers? Who knows what will happen. They did, however, decide to use the slingshot once again and they brought me to it. Unfortunately, they thought I was big enough to be launched as “target practice”. Now, as I am finishing this report on my hospital bed at St. Vincent’s University hospital (they’re willing to bring in just anybody these days), I’ve had some thoughts to reminisce about my time with these birds. From what I’ve gathered, when these birds are disturbed in their natural habitat, not only do they get mad, they get even. When someone tries to steal their eggs, the last thing they want to hear is “getting over it”. And finally, when they launch one of their own from their gigantic slingshot, you’re not sure if any of these birds will come back to the roost alive. What have I learned from all of this? Well, one thing’s for sure: whenever I eat eggs, I’ll make sure it’s not one of theirs! These birds are angry enough from a few green, round pigs, but I’d hate to see what happens when they see a human swipe their eggs for a food source.

Coming Fall 2012!

By Spencer Bollettieri and Dave Santos

MARVEL is working with major television networks to bring their most famed superheroes and supervillians to the primetime stage! It’s a new era for the world of both television and comic books alike!

From Prof. X-Factor Courtesy FremantleMedia, Inc.

From The Deadpool Variety Hour Courtesy NBCUniversal/Deadpool Holdings, Inc.

Cooking with Venom TV-G Food Network M + Th 8:00 PM-E/7:00 PM-C It’s Friday night and that symbiote attached to your spine is beginning to suck away at your internal organs, so what do you do? Take a seat, a sledge hammer and a freshly harvested skull and tune in to the Food Network. In Cooking with Venom, everyone’s favorite alien predator teaches us how to prepare down home symbiote cooking. Learn how to make Brain Stew, Brain Casserole and for those trying to cut back on the carbs, there’s Venom’s signature dish “Brains, Brains and more Brains.” Produced by Harpo Studios. The Deadpool Variety Hour TV-MA LSV WNBC Weekdays 1:00 AM-E/12:00 AM-C After three failed pilots and two guest appearances on Disney’s Jonas and Betty White’s Hot in Cleveland respectively, the merc with the mouth makes his triumphant return to the small screen (despite the urgings of both the FCC and the Vatican). In The Deadpool Variety Hour, self proclaimed mercenary and head of the Bea Arthur fan club, Deadpool, entertains an audience with what many describe as his “festering insanity.” Produced by NBCUniversal. © 2012 Deadpool Holdings, Inc. The Prof X. Factor TV-PG WNYW/FOX M (New) + W (Repeat) 8:00 PM-E/7:00 PM-C Let’s face it, when you join the X-Men and you start wearing yellow spandex, you’re liable to become a moving target for every supervillain in the tricounty area. So with yet another member of the X-Men nibbling the dust, it’s time to choose a replacement. Welcome to the Prof X. Factor, where wanna-be heroes try out to join perhaps one of the most exclusive superhero teams in the entire world. Produced by FermantleMedia, Inc. Proudly sponsered by Pepsico. Growing Up Gobbie TV-14 DLV Music Television T + F 7:30 PM-E/6:30 PM-C When you thought MTV couldn’t get any angstier or more dramatic, they announce Growing Up Gobbie, a reality show following the day to day life of Harry Osborne (a.k.a. New Goblin). Watch as he argues with the ghost of his father, complains about how Spider-Man ruined his life and laugh at the misery that is his poorly scripted life. Produced and Whored-out by MTV Networks. Doomed! TV-PG DL WCBS W 8:30 PM-E/7:30 PM-C What do you do when a genocidal madman charged with crimes against humanity escapes S.H.I.E.L.D. custody? Give him his own sitcom. That’s right, Latvaria’s most popular…and only television show is coming to the United States. Doomed! chronicles the life and times of supervillain Dr. Doom and all the problems facing a modern dictator. Watch Doom fall in love, entertain his occasional “house guests” the Fantastic 4 and, of course watch Doom try to conquer the free world as we know it. In Latvaria it’s described as “must-see TV”…literally, because those who fail to watch this weekly propaganda, ultimately end up as target practice for the doombots. Produced by CBS/Paramount Television Studios. Dragneto TV-PG D WABC Special Night & Time! Friday 11/2/2012 6:30 PM-E In what critics are calling “the spiritual successor to Mrs. Doubtfire”, mutant rights activist and terrorist Magneto dresses up like a 60 year old woman in order to infiltrate the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier. Watch as he covertly tries to free his beloved companion and notorious super bitch Mystique from the bowels of the brig as well as fight off the amorous advances of one Col. Nick Fury in what is sure to be the made-for-TV movie event of the season. Produced by BuenaVista Entertainment, Inc. The Real Housewives of Hell TV-14 DLSV Bravo Network W + F 9:00 PM-E/8:00 PM-C Most men tend to think of their wives as the women from Hell…these men just happen to be right. In The Real Housewives of Hell, follow the demonic spawn of Mephisto as they fight, mate and drain their husbands to withered soulless husks…basically everything that your sister-in-law has been attempting to do to you for ages. We don’t even know who produced THIS one.

A comedic twist on the scruffy, broke college student stereotype by Co-founder and Former Editorin-Chief (2008-2010) of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin

Michael Young

Rejected O3LD Merchandise By STEPHANIE KAPLAN, MATT YOUNG & the O3LD Staff We have had a lot of merchandise to advertise Operation Three Legged DolphinT-shirts and hats to name a few. But here are the ones that didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make the cut.

O3LD Sex Kit Comes with condoms, lube, bras, underpants and all other sexually inspired equipment! Rejected because of health concerns and confiscated from the Center for Disease Control.

Inflatable Third Leg

An inflatable third leg to staple to your pants! Rejected because it shrinks and shrivels in water.

Three-Legged Dolphin Home Arsenal

Comes with cigars, machete and machine gun! Rejected by Public Safety who proceeded to use the arsenal for themselves.

The

Mecha Phil

Masciantonio!

By Matt Young

CAMPUS CENTER Map- Ground Floor

and CHAIRS...OUTSIDE!

“Food”

Because there’s obviously nowhere else to eat or order food from for five miles.

with FOOD

RESTAURANT

A ranked Cafeteria

Eye

Exit to RESTAURANT (Seriously, we have an actual restaurant! Go there, the food probably won’t kill you.)

Exit to 4N, 5N, 1R, 2R, 1M, 2M and Victory Boulevard Entrance

of the

Storm

Health Office

Realm of the Condom Fairies

To Emergency Exit

“Emergency” Exit That Doesn’t Work

To Meditation Center

Prayer Room (Zombie Apocalypse Survival Room)

Astute Studious Students

Gamer Ner

Virgins Anonymou

CUNY College of St Island Branch

People who actually care about their grades.

Exit to 3N, 1A, 2A, 3A

D O O R S

T H A T

D O

N O T

Money stealing machine- ironically next to the bookstore.

BOOKSTOREWorld’s biggest scam/ Textbook Retirement Home.

WSIA-

30 Years of

(over 4 listeners!)

Random Fundraisers “Hi, we’d like a minute of your time. We are raising money for... Haiti Japan Diabetes Breast Cancer Gay Marriage Rights American Sign Language Club

(It doesn’t matter, they’re all interchangeable. WE don’t even know where the money actually goes...)

Public Safety Segway Jockeys Hall Monitors PUBLIC SAFETY

rds

Vending Machines- Sugar Junkies

Music People

a.k.a. The Concert Hall

Indoor Outhouse

Green Dolphin Lounge Rejected Entertainers

(No, not the real one in 1P.)

taten h

P E N

F R O M

T H E

O U T S I D E !

CAMPUS CENTER Map- Second Floor

Bookstore 2nd Floor- The Pyramid Scheme

The

Restrooms *insert another toilet joke*

Lookin

“Package” Delivery /Auxiliary

Glas

Quiet Game Room Second Library

Student Government We order pizza with your money!

To Emergency Exit

Association Money is funny

Office Space

Student Life it adds to life

Bijou now showing “movies that only exist in the first dimension”

“Game” Room

Sleeping Dolphin Lounge

Computer Lab Facebook addicts

Physically abused couches

To Emergency Exit

Casino Money Pit

Board Room con-artists

CAB-

Crafts Are Boring

Don’t C.A.R.E. Room

Multifaith Center Base for the CSI Crusades

NYPIRG Dirty hippies Veteran’s Centerrespect

Gross Toilet

Third Rail “Fuck you”

Color Dark Room Where color dies

The Banner DiLorenzo’s Lair of Mad News

Club Room Student Lost & Found

(Literally students lost and found) Irrelevant Conference Room

To Emergency Exit

O3LD, where the magic happens. Caesura (Roommates that don’t pay)

Abandoned DARK Room

Office of Student Life

Serpentine Student Housing “The Hive”

Conference

“We obviously don’t want a bigger budget”

O3LD: The New Adventures Ep. 1

Continued on p. 41

What Really Goes on at O3LD

What Really Goes on at o3lD WRitten by Matt Young, Dan Brown, Spencer Bollitieri & Edward Peppe With inspiRation fRom Andrew Oppenheimer

illustRateD by Matt Young

ike any other student publication, an issue of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin takes a lot of time and commitment. We take two days out of every month of the semester to map out our budget, plan our next issue, and teach our future Publications Board representatives how to beg and grovel for a reallocation of our budget for the next semester. After each eventful meeting, our Secretary presents the Editor-in-Chief with a recap of what official business went on during. Needless to say, we felt like what goes on in our office is crazy enough to make perfect filler material for our magazine. Example of what goes on during O3LD meetings: Dick Doodles takes the Flower Turkey into outer space using a rocket from his ass.

The following minutes are from the last meeting of the semester, December 8th, 2011 at 1:30 PM.

ATTENDANCE:

Meeting called to order at 1:30 PM

Bill Clinton Dan Brown (you know, from the Da Vinci Code) The Easter Bunny Condom Fairy Jillian Matt Youngâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Sock The Flower Turkey Mecha Phil Masciantonio Mayor McCheese Katie Anderson Girl with the bag over her head Sarah Palin Hulk General Edward Pepper Gnomeprah Winfrey Dick Doodles Famous Juggler Anthony Gatto The Germaphobic Pimp

OLD BUSINESS: - Dick Doodles pulls content out of his ass. - Votes taken on pizza toppings for future meetings: - Pepperoni - Buffalo Chicken - Pineapple - Snickers bars - Cheez-its - Ice Cream - Mushrooms - Dan proposes ritualistic sacrifice of the Flower Turkey to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. - Ed proposes to send the Flower Turkey into outer space. - The Flower Turkey seconds.

What Really Goes on at O3LD

NEW BUSINESS: - The Flower Turkey proposes O3LD to be listed as a “student publication” as a tax dodge, later referred to as “Creative Accounting”. - Sarah Palin Hulk seconds. - Mayor McCheese proposes tax cuts on fried food. - Gnomeprah Winfrey seconds. - Bill Clinton proposes to rename this country the United States of Earth (USE). - Sarah Palin Hulk seconds. - Ed argues that Bill Clinton does not now, nor did he ever have the power and the authority to rename the entire country. - Sigma Delta Tau (EAT) members randomly walk in and propose that the First Amendment be removed on campus. - Girl with bag over her head proposes to usher them out with unanimous agreement. - The Germaphobic Pimp proposes that Matt Young’s Sock leave the room. - Mecha Phil Masciantonio seconds. - The Easter Bunny proposes to raise the student budget for Cadbury Crème eggs. - Anthony Gatto seconds. - Mecha Phil Masciantonio opposes, stating that all propositions to modify Student Activity Fees must go through the Publications Board for approval. - The Easter Bunny proposes to table the decision to take the previous proposal to the next Publications Board meeting. - Mecha Phil Masciantonio seconds.

ROLL CALL VOTE: Bill Clinton Dan Brown The Easter Bunny Condom Fairy Jillian Matt Young’s Sock The Flower Turkey Mecha Phil Masciantonio Mayor McCheese Katie Anderson Girl with the bag... Sarah Palin Hulk General Edward Pepper Gnomeprah Winfrey Dick Doodles Anthony Gatto The Germaphobic Pimp

YES NO YES YES NO NO YES NO ABS YES YES ABS YES YES YES NO

YES: 9, NO: 5, ABSTAIN: 2 - Motion to table decision for the next meeting approved. - The Easter Bunny proposes to place objects inside the Easter eggs. - Condom Fairy Jillian suggests condoms. - Matt Young’s Sock proposes to adjourn the meeting at 2:25 PM. - The Flower Turkey seconds. Meeting adjourned at 2:25 PM. - Mecha Phil Masciantonio proposes to not process these minutes. - Mecha Phil Masciantonio seconds.

Mayor McCheese Caught Sexting

Mayor Mccheese caught sexting Written by Spencer Bollettieri illustrated by Matt Young

ast week on Twitter, the bane of politicians everywhere and the sanctuary for people with nothing better to do, followers of one #MayorMcLovin’ got a most unusual post. It seems that on Friday night, highly respected official and lobbyist for McDonald’s restaurant Mayor McCheese accidentally sent out pictures of his bare buns, which apparently was meant for one of the politician’s many un-

deraged mistresses. “We always suspected that he was cooking in someone else’s kitchen,” says his wife Mrs. Mayor McCheese, “but until his most recent screw up, we had no proof of his philandering.” she continued. When the story became public and leaked out to the associated press, shortly after countless women and men came out claiming to be McCheese’s “secret lovers”. “He once told me to lick the cheese off his patty,” claims Birdie the Early Bird one of McCheese’s interns. “He asked me to split him open and whiff his steamy goodness!” exclaimed the infamous Hamburglar.

Mayor McCheese Caught Sexting

And from all across the magical realm of McDonladland, reports of sexually explicit acts and sexting have been coming in. Some of which included an encounter with a jolly purple oaf, a set of colorful talking bushes and the teenaged daughter of a certain clown. “I can’t believe he’d have the nerve to fool around on me with a bun in the oven!” commented Mrs. Mayor McCheese in a later interview. “I hope he fries for this!” she continued. At the moment the raving residents of McDonaldland are currently debating on whether or not they should impeach the politician for the crimes he committed against their beloved city. “Although it’s true that he introduced Fry Bush tax cuts and lead us through the great BK soda spill, we cannot look the other way on this. He must be punished for his sins against our city.” says local law enforcer Big Mac. “His buns will burn!” exclaims another citizen. In a recent press conference Mayor McCheese had this to say: “I apologize for my crimes against this fine land and all its wonderful people, but the truth of the matter is, I’m an addict. When I’m guzzling mountain dew by the gallon, the sugar rushes turn me into something I’m not.” After being forced off the stage by a storm of McNuggets, the Mayor’s aide stated “As of this moment, Mayor McCheese will be checked into rehab and the victims of his addiction will be compensated for.” But whether or not the Mayor will actually resign remains to be seen, although until then it is said that city council is currently considering to bring in the Burger King and Dairy Queen as a temporary ruling body for the people of McDonaldland. “We never questioned democracy until now,” says head of the city council Ronald McDonald, “but what can we say? We’re sick of taking it in the buns!”

Do you ever feel like

your college experience

could use a little more

excitement?

The

CSI

Screw Everyone

Initiative!

“Because every student deserves a turn to be fucked!”

INCLUDES: - An incompetent Bursar staff - Overcharged products & services thanks to Barnes & Noble and many others. - Daily frustration and long waiting times. The CSI Screw Everyone Initiative promises to: - Put boots on cars, regardless of where they’re parked. - Deny or remove class overtallies. - Revoke scholarships. - Halt or delay graduation. In addition, the Federal Government has issued over 100,000 rubber dicks for CSI to personally fuck the student populous. Enjoy! By Matt Young

Vikings (Re-)Teach History Classes

Vikings (Re-)Teach hisToRy classes WRiTTen by Dan Brown, illusTRaTed by Nina Musillo

n the early beginnings of a Monday morning in November, the gates which lead to Valhalla crashed down upon the campus of the College of Staten Island, and the vikings whom had earned their place sitting at Odinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s table under his command, had descended onto the campus enraged as they feel the History department has been ignoring them. The vikings felt that the History departments were not instructing enough Nordic history, including proper performance of rituals, hand-tohand combat, and how to pay proper respect to deceased ancestors. Thus as a result of this, the vikings have decided that they would ransack the History department located in 2N, slaughtering all of the

History professors with their blood-saturated maces, except those whom had cowardly fled to save their own lives, as they pray to Thor to give them strength to decimate anyone who attempts to stand against them. Once the entire building had been emptied out and the innards were covered in crimson blood, one member of each Nordic tribe went to each room, while the others returned climbing the stairs to feast once again at Odinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s table, annihilating any members of Public Safety whom attempted to wage a campaign against them. To the dismay, or the wonderful surprise of the students as they filed into their classes, they saw a drunken, drooling, fur-covered, long bearded, muscular man wielding a mace in one hand, and holding a piece of chalk in the other. Once the students, terrified of the man standing in front of the room next to the chalkboard took their seats, the viking started to speak in proper British English.

Vikings (Re-)Teach History Classes

“Students, welcome to proper disposal of your ancestors. For the beginning of this class, we will be giving you hatchets, and you must build your own canoe by the end of today. Female students who do not finish these tasks must attempt to become valkyries, whilst male students who do not finish this task will be challenged to mortal combat, so that they may either learn to fight, or be sent to Valhalla after they’re bodies have been mutilated by my axe”.

Students whom fainted while doing the manual labor of felling a tree and carving a boat were decided to be too weak to be inside the class, and were thus eliminated. Those who managed to succeed were then required to bury up their ancestors graves, place the remains on the boat, and light the boat on fire as it sailed off, towards Manhattan.

ThRee FRee cheez-iTs senT oVeRseas WiTh ease! WRiTTen by Matt Young, illusTRaTed by Ed Peppe A while back, some Pixar’s Cars themed Cheez-Its snacks were to be sent to Spain by a close friend of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin staff to feed our former Editor-in-Chief, Mike Young. The three individual snack crackers were wrapped in a plastic bag, cradled in bubble wrap and packaged in a big box. They were sent via Postal Service from Staten Island and arrived at Spain in a matter of days. “As much as I wanted to put them on display as a testament to our friendship, I also wanted to savor the taste of Cheez-Its,” said Mike. The Cheez-Its satisfied a hungry Mike Young’s appetite. But he remained thirsty, so we decided to send him fresh upstate New York water in a bag to go along with his snack. The water was filtered. Never underestimate the Postal Service- they’re the ones who ship specially speedy services. When you need a Cheez-It sent across continents, they’ll get the job done with haste!

FROM: Operation Three-Legged Dolphin (O3LD@live.com) TO: StudentBroadcast SUBJECT: New Master’s Program Awaiting Approval! Your help is needed! Attention all students, We are working with the heads the College of Staten Island to set up a new Master’s Program for Clown Studies/Juggling Specialization. Entry into the Clown Studies/Juggling Specialization Master’s Program will require at least a 3.0 cummulative GPA and any Bachelor’s of Arts degree. Attached is a letter of petition and a list of courses we want to make available to students across the campus in the hopes that more Clownmanship programs will make its way to this college. Best of luck to all prospects and hopefuls! Ed Peppe Editor-in-Chief Operation Three-Legged Dolphin P.S. Shortly after we drafted the attached letter and course list, we learned about a full or partial scholarship opportunity from the Barnum & Bailey/Ringling Bros. Circus for all potential clowns and exotic entertainers. Hop on board while you still can!

Official Course Catalogue for “Clown Studies/Juggling Specialization” JUG 400 - Introduction to Clown Studies

Support the Movement! Sign and submit this to Academic Advisement for future consideration! _____________________________________________

A grade of C or better in JUG 400 is required to officially enter any Clown Studies program.

Dear Dr. Fritz,

PREREQ: JUG 500

I am writing to request - nay DEMAND the option to take Clown Studies/Juggling Specialization as a Master’s Degree. I feel this is the best possible way to help improve the College of Staten Island’s image to the public, as well as provide a solid foundation for our Clownmanship Ph.D program.

JUG 420 - Intoxicants and Hallucinations JUG 500 - Physical Dynamics of Juggling JUG 510 - Aerodynamics of Juggling JUG 637 - Introduction to Ball Handling JUG 640 - History of Juggling JUG 650 - Handling Ball Droppage PREREQ: JUG 637

JUG 701 - Juggling Class, Work, and Family Attached is a list of recommended courses for incluJUG 703 - Handling Balls I sion into this program. You will notice how focused PREREQ: JUG 637

JUG 704 - Handling Balls II

PREREQ: JUG 703, JUG 650

JUG 730 - Perversely-Shaped Objects JUG 731 - Perversely-Shaped Objects Lab

COREQ: JUG 730, Requires hands-on work.

JUG 740 - Fruit Handling JUG 810 - Advanced Ball Handling JUG JUG JUG JUG

PREREQ: JUG 704

888 901 902 938

Competing with Mimes Flaming Chainsaws Flaming Sheep Juggling Secret Wives

the student body is on our commitment to ourselves and this school, and we humbly ask only that this opportunity to enrich the community in the name of our school is made accessible. We wish to ensure that no one can contest our claimn: “No one handles balls better than the College of Staten Island!” Please make this a plausible reality. Sincerely,

______________________________ (Your name here.)

By Ed Peppe, Dan Brown & Andrew Oppenheimer ‘11

Adventures of the Underground

American Scavengers

AmericAn ScAvengerS Written by Spencer Bollettieri, illuStrAted by Eric Van Wolken

t’s been no secret that History Channel’s latest primetime lineup has been in the dumps…literally. With American Pickers buying trash, Pawn Stars selling trash and Picker Sisters just plain trash, no one knew where else History Channel could go with their spin-offs or what they could possibly do to boost their ratings.

But after much debate, discussion and consultation of the infinite wisdom of the magic 8-ball, it seems History Channel has finally found a show people want to watch. Enter the American Scavengers, a spin-off of American Pickers and the latest in “must-bleed” television. Let’s face it...under today’s standard of healthcare, if you need a kidney, heart or even something as simple as a cornea transplant, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger showing up on Father’s day, it’s just not happening. That’s when you call in the two cool ghouls, Burke and Hare. Rogue surgeons and professional organ harvesters, they’ve been making their living doing black market liposuctions and face lifts out of a local KFC parking lot. In their new show American Scavengers, the two set out cross country harvesting organs from the dead and wounded for later sale on the black market. Whether it be that healthy liver or that dried out kidney, they’re willing to pay top dollar for those unused organs going to waste. “Look out America, we have our hearts on your parts,” said producer James Burke at a press meeting last Saturday. “And our knives on your

side” concluded co-producer Joseph Hare. In the pilot episode “Brains for a Bargain”, local CSI college student and O3LD contributor Ivan Sackless contracts what the CDC is now calling the “Mad Murphy” disease, a parasitic infection of the brain. Suffering from severe delusions of the cold bitch slapping hands of Rick James and chronic dripping of gray matter from his ear (not unlike the broken slurpee machine down at the corner 7/11), rather than go through the pains and struggles that is Pelosi’s Christmas present (which third world countries won’t even accept as a re-gift), he decides to call in the gruesome twosome to find him a new brain on a budget. Searching far and wide, they ultimately decided to pick the minds of California’s lower class. Scavenging the drug-roasted skulls of San Francisco, the wandering minds of San Diego’s drifters and the empty void that is California’s brainwashed youth, ultimately it seemed that with the $2.00 budget they were given, the best they could afford was the brain of a goldfish down at the Puparazzi Pet Store in Beverly Hills. After an hour of driving and the type of cheeky ghoulish banter one might expect from an old married couple, they finally deliver the new brain and surgically graft it to the empty “skull hole” that once housed Ivan’s brain. “It’s great!” Sackless comments, “Any attention span that lasts more than seven seconds is a little too extravagant for my tastes anyway.” Then after a joyous and festive return back to his family and friends, the show ends with Burke and Hare off on their next big adventure, eerily humming “You Gotta Have Heart” as they drive off and into the sunset.

American Scavengers

“This is just the start of a whole new era of History Channel,” comments History Channel producer Mike Wolfe. “And we hope to introduce a whole new lineup of similar shows, made to capture the imagination.” he continued. In addition to American Scavengers, the following working titles were announced at a recent History Channel press conference: “How the Hell Did That Get in There?”, a medical show; “Nuns with a Gun”, a spin-off of Top Shot and “Greece Lightnin’”, a softcore gay porn series in the tradition of Spartacus: Gods of the Arena. “History Channel will no longer be for the stiff and the bored and will now appeal to a wider audience. Whether you be an organ-harvesting ghoul or a trash-hoarding pack rat, our new shows will be sure to entertain!” Wolfe promises. But when asked whether or not the History Channel will continue to provide ground breaking documentaries or anything remotely historically

accurate, the press conference was brought to a sudden halt and was ended. Although it was not announced publicly, rumor has it that the History Channel will now be following in the footsteps of both The Learning Channel and Discovery Channel, which although at one time broadcasted brain-stimulating education for the masses has recently devolved into a loose collection of reality shows and birth control PSA’s (e.g. Kate Plus 8). Now although we here at O3LD don’t know what to make of the pilot episode, the concept…or even what we were looking at, but it looks as if the American Scavengers are here to stay and are going to kick off a new era for the History Channel, providing real hope to the suffering and perhaps the best solution to the healthcare situation since the government stepped in.

HEY, STUDENTS!!!

This obscenely large text and picture of a Playboy bunny are here to tell you that Student Life at the College of Staten Island has approved of the chartering of TWO new clubs catering to YOUR interests! The Playboy Club

Looking for a good time? Need relief from your latest failure of a midterm? Well why not join the Playboy club? “We’re not whores, we’re just friendly!” said Playboy club bunny Dixie Normos. “ And unlike the TV show, we’re sure to survive more than 3 meetings!” added bunny Helda Longone. But in order to join and become a full member, you must have the following: -Women: A playboy bunny outfit, Centrum tablets for Hepatitis A to Z and a “happy place” to retreat to during grope fests. -Men: A purple robe, a pipe, porn experience and a legitimate excuse to cover your tracks. (“I was caught in traffic” seems to work well on girlfriends, wives and mom). Meetings are held on Wednesdays after hours, bring plenty of singles and protection (and we don’t mean a 9 mm). And if you hear any sort of screaming/moaning, don’t be shy and don’t call campus security.

The Satanic Student Association

The Multi-Faith center, the sanctuary for people of all faiths and religions has recently announced the formation and recognition of the SSA (the Satanic Student Association), a student organization dedicated to the worship of Satan and the spread of villainy and sin. “For years we’ve fought for our right to be recognized,” says head high priest Norman Lafey. “And now with help of the students and CSI officials, we can finally bring the death of ‘he who yet reigns’ and the destruction of all things Holy...” he continued. “We here at the multi-faith have always been accepting of other religions and we think it’s great that the followers of Satan now have a place besides Hillel and the Muslim Student association.” said chairperson Laurie Luna. “And between their Black masses and weekly ritualistic sacrifices of animals and small children, we believe our students will finally be able to learn tolerance and understanding of other people’s religions. Whether they be followers of Mohammed, Jesus or the archangel Lucifer,” Luna then went on to say in a later interview. “You really meet a lot of interesting people at these SSA meetings,” claims Lafey. “Movie stars, demons, religious leaders (you really don’t think Al Sharpton is that charismatic on his own, do you?) are all servants of Lucifer and just a few of the guests we’ve lined up to speak.” Lafey commented and then went on to mention that thanks to the generous budget given to them by the student council that they will be able to serve refreshments. “Blended kittens and human flesh will be readily available and served at every meeting,” Lafey promises. Application I __________ here by relinquish my soul and all the rights endowed to me by my creator to Lucifer, the eater of souls and the ruler of the damned. From this moment on I __________ here by known as the “damned” will become a creature of sin and a servant of all things evil (including the Disney Channel and the Hillary Clinton campaign contribution fund). I will spread destruction and chaos wherever I go and no longer acknowledge the name of my Creator, the Heavenly Saints or the sickeningly sweet cast of Hope and Faith. And by signing this I also acknowledge that My Little Pony is not a religion, so much as a loose association of social recluses with an unhealthy obsession with cartoon equines and that if asked, I will without question or hesitation put an end to the insanity. Finally when time comes to surrender my soul to Lucifer and all the ungodly hosts, I will not request prayers for my soul or put up a fight in my transition to the plains of Hell.

By Spencer Bollettieri & Anna Sirota

X___________________ Your signature here.

O3LD: The New Adventures Ep. 1