Operation Three-Legged Dolphin, Issue #7 by Operation Three-Legged Dolphin

ISSUE

Spring/Summer 2012

NE W T H I S I SSU E :

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin: The New Adventures Ep. 1: “The Geometrolls” Pt. 2 The Parrot Trap Broken Shells: History of the Peanuts Gang Map of the New Willowbrook Asylum The O3LD Awards Battle Mech 2012 Comes to New York Chronic Chaos AND MORE FROM:

Stephanie Kaplan Spencer Bolletieri Eric Van Wolken Nick Tronolone Justin DeLuca Anthony LoGatto Anna Sirota Nina Musillo David Lyev Matt Young Jaycen Corrente Edward Peppe

O3LD.blogspot.com

Scan this QR code with your smartphone or tablet for instant access to our official blog!

tinyurl.com/O3LDf Official Facebook Page

All works contained in this digital issue are distributed with permission from the original creators and staff as of the Spring/Summer 2012 semester. Artwork and content (C) 2012 Operation Three-Legged Dolphin Operation Three-Legged Dolphin created by Michael Young

Digital n o i t u b i Distrsrand Terms of Use

Disclaime

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is a student-funded non-profit organization dedicated to providing written entertainment to the College of Staten Island campus community and beyond. We freely distribute our magazine in the hopes that you will enjoy and share it with others, but will do so with respect to our Terms of Use for Digital Distribution: Digital issues of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin are distributed via Issuu.com and are available to the public, free of charge. They can only be shared and redistributed AS IS, without modification. If you want to directly link to any of the PDFs or the blog, or if you want to feature our magazine on your own blog or website, please let us know at our e-mail address: O3LD@live.com.

CONTENT DISCLAIMER:

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is published by the students of the College of Staten Island. All works contained within this publication are the property of the creators and are protected by copyright law. No materials within this publication may be reprinted in whole or in part, in any form, without the permission of the editors. All content (articles, comic strips, etc.) published in this magazine are works of fiction. Any references to actual events or people are only for satirical purposes. Some works may contain direct or indirect references to certain registered trademarks and are only done so under terms of Fair Use. Opinions expressed herein are those of the writers, and are not necessarily shared by the Operation Three-Legged Dolphin staff or the College of Staten Island. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is not a publication of the College of Staten Island or The City University of New York. The College of Staten Island and The City University of New York are not responsible for the contents of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is meant to appeal to a mature audience, and may contain material that parents may not find suitable for younger readers.

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is a community effort, kept alive by the very creative and very talented individuals of CSI’s student body. We thank our staff for making the magazine what it is today through their hard work and dedication.

OPERATION THREE-LEGGED DOLPHIN STAFF as of ISSUE #7 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Edward Peppe

ASSISTANT EDITOR

SECRETARY

Spencer Bolletieri

FACULTY ADVISOR

CREATIVE CONSULTANT

Matthew Young Michael Young

Stephanie Kaplan Catherine Lavender

STAFF CONTRIBUTORS

EDWARD PEPPE JUSTIN DELUCA NINA MUSILLO

STEPHANIE KAPLAN NICK TRONOLONE ANNA SIROTA SPENCER BOLLETTIERI ERIC VAN WOLKEN DAVID LYEV

GUEST CONTRIBUTORS

MATT YOUNG

JAYCAN CORRENTE

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin created by

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin 2800 Victory Boulevard Staten Island, New York 10314 Building 1C, Room 230

ANTHONY LOGATTO

Michael Young

CONTACT THE MAGAZINE:

O3LD@live.com

michaelyoung21@gmail.com edward.peppe@cix.csi.cuny.edu

O3LD: The New Adventures Ep. 1

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is published by the students of the College of Staten Island. All works and typefaces contained within this publication are the property of the creators and are protected by copyright law. No materials within this publication may be reprinted in whole or in part, in any form, without the permission of the editors. All content (articles, comic strips, etc.) published in this magazine are works of fiction. Any references to actual events or people are only for satirical purposes. Some works may contain direct or indirect references to certain registered trademarks and are only done so under terms of Fair Use. Opinions expressed herein are those of the writers, and are not necessarily shared by the Operation Three-Legged Dolphin staff or the College of Staten Island. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is not a publication of the College of Staten Island or The City University of New York. The College of Staten Island and The City University of New York are not responsible for the contents of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is meant to appeal to a mature audience, and may contain material that parents may not find suitable for younger readers. We try our best to provide quality written entertainment to our fellow students and hold our writers to very high standards. With that said, to everyone who may be offended by this magazine, know that we will not apologize, but rather advise you to please take a number and wait in line.

Table of Contents ISSUE #7 ~ SPRING/SUMMER 2012

FEATURED THIS ISSUE:

O3LD: The New Adventures Ep. 1 Part 2 by ED PEPPE, Inspired by MIKE YOUNG

pg. 1

NOTE TO THE DESIGN DEPARTMENT by MATT YOUNG

pg. 10

CHRONIC CHAOS by JUSTIN DeLUCA, Illustrated by ED PEPPE

pg. 11

THE PARROT TRAP by SPENCER BOLLETTIERI, Illustrated by ANNA SIROTA

pg. 13

THE LEGEND of the CONDOM FAIRIES by SPENCER BOLLETTIERI, Illustrated by ANNA SIROTA

pg. 14

75 USES FOR CAESURA MAGAZINE by JAYCAN CORRENTE

pg. 16

CARTOON OBITUARIES by SPENCER BOLLETTIERI, Illustrated by NINA MUSILLO

pg. 19

UNLIKELY PRESIDENTIAL PICKS by SPENCER BOLLETTIERI, NICK TRONOLONE, JUSTIN DeLUCA & ANTHONY LoGATTO, Illustrated by NINA MUSILLO

pg. 21

THE SECRET SEX LIFE of YODA by ANTHONY LoGATTO, Illustrated by NINA MUSILLO

pg. 25

MAP of THE NEW WILLOWBROOK ASYLUM by the O3LD STAFF

pg. 27

THE LEGEND of the GOLDEN BOY by STEPHANIE KAPLAN & MATT YOUNG, Illustrated by ED PEPPE

pg. 28

BATTLE MECH 2012 COMES to NEW YORK! by DAVE LYEV, Illustrated by NINA MUSILLO

pg. 30

THE O3LD AWARDS by the O3LD STAFF, Illustrated by ED PEPPE

pg. 33

THE WORLD ACCORDING to KATIE ANDERSON Notebook Quickie by ED PEPPE

pg. 34

BROKEN SHELLS: HISTORY of the PEANUTS GANG by ERIC VAN WOLKEN, ED PEPPE & NINA MUSILLO

pg. 35

Two years after conquering the treacherous Palin Beast, our three-legged hero has held shelter from the relentless pursuit of the United States Government at the CSI campus. He has maintained vigilante status by rescuing our fellow students and faculty from strange and mysterious creatures from unknown origins. One of the “Geometrolls” has our hero held hostage by a classroom full of brainwashed students! Will the Dolphin risk his reputation in order to survive, or will he give in and go out quietly? This is part two of a two-part episode. Look for part one in O3LD6.

This is a series that revolves around a mysterious, yet cunning and mischievious time spirit known as Infinis Chronalis, whose access to gateways that lead to other worlds that exist beyond the spectrum of the human imagination enables him to start his odd quest for an artifact that holds a purpose known only to himself.

Meet Billy Bolletieri, a house pet with the body of a seemingly innocent parrot, but the mind and soul of a psychopathic megalomanic. Also he can talk. His delightfully twisted antics which include the psychological torture of his owner Spencer, combined with his whimsical, yet sophisticated disposition makes him the bird from Hell.

Prepare yourself for a story about the real origin of the popular form of contraception that made a Trojan man a household name for almost a century. Unbeknownest to us, there was and still is an infestation of condom fairies, who have made it their sole purpose to help young people practice safe sex.

With the amount of times various cartoon stars have taken heavy objects to the noggin, have been flattened, squashed, blown-up and tossed around, one of them was bound to kick the bucket eventually. This article’s purpose is to highlight the lives of those lovable characters who are no longer with us, and what lead to their demise.

Who doesn’t love a good political discussion now and then? We certainly don’t, but who are we to stray away from potential controversy and comedic potential? With the 2012 Presidential election on its merry way, we at O3LD have spared no expense to give you an accurate representation of every political debate in existence. Be sure to read, because remember: your vote matters!

If you were a 4’ tall 900-year-old Jedi master, how would you keep busy? In a galaxy far, far away, one little green man has managed to get plenty of action under his belt, and he doesn’t plan on stopping anytime soon!

Gather around kids, it’s storytime! Here’s a little fairytale about a young golden-haired twenty-something who resides in the faraway land of CSI, which was handed down to him by his brother and has the power to disappear and reappear every nine minutes.

Come one, come all! Come see the biggest robot floor show in the tri-state area! This convention features robots of every possible model and make, and you have exclusive access!

Hosted by the rotting corpse of the late Robert Stack, this is a short story about the beloved Peanuts gang that have touched our hearts for over sixty years. They may have finally grown up, but were their adult lives as innocent and carefree as their safe, scripted childhoods?

O3LD: The New Adventures Ep. 1

Note to the Design Department

Chronic Chaos

ChroniC Chaos Written by Justin DeLuca, illustrated by Ed Peppe before Christopher, not surprising him at all. He’s grown used to the time spirit’s antics and unusual dimensional power, especially considering he taught him most all he knew in the way of time magic. Christopher took the page and examined it, the questions he wanted to ask his mentor still plauging his mind. “But Infinis, where-” Looking up from the paper, Christopher found himself alone in the Infinite Rift. Infinis had taken off while he was reading. Even the time written on the paper baffled him. The billionaire time mage read the slip again. “Neo Gaia Space Station, the retreat of Gaiael’s destruction? Infinis, what the bloody hell are you doing now?”

“Infinis, what’re you doing this time?” The billionaire businessman Christopher Maloric stood parallel to the time spirit Infinis Chronalis inside the Infinite Rift. Gateways to other worlds free-floated about across the expanse of the colorless void as Infinis glanced through each, seeming to be searching for something specific. “Oh, Christopher. Good to see you,” the time spirit replied blankly. “I need to ask a favor of you.” “If this is another rift-sitting job-” “Not at all, boy!” Infinis interrupted. “Random Event will gladly handle that in my place. This is a very important errand I have for you. I need you to pick me up a mirror. But not just any mirror, a particular make with a gold frame and a Malorium accent. You know the one of which I speak.” “Malorium? As in, my company’s gravity stone? Infinis, what in the name of the angels are you planning?” “I’m just going on a trip, dear boy.” the spirit replied. “Nothing more and nothing less. Now, here is the time at which I need you to send the mirror directly to me through our private delivery rift.” With a wave of his hand, a slip of paper materialized

Aboard the titanic Neo Gaia Space Station, things were running smoothly as usual. The gravitational engines were functional, the plasma tethers moving trash barges in and out of the station’s space were hard at work and the station’s commander sighed in relief as another day had gone by without incident. “One month,” he muttered to himself. “One month of no trouble...it relaxes me, but it also worries me. Phaser and Plasmire haven’t made a move. Surely they haven’t given up yet. The Trophy Master wouldn’t fold that easily.” “Commander Agnius!” shouted one of the commander’s operators, seated in one of the computer consoles below the HQ room main deck. “We’re reading a time anomaly again! It’s in the park: Sector N, Sub-sector G!” “So Infinis is paying me another visit, is he?” said the commander with a chuckle, “Very well. I’ll head there immediately. Stay on watch, everyone. Report any other suspicious activity to me via the coms link.” “Yes sir, Commander Agnius!” The commander set off through the control room doors, walking down the hall until he reached a glass elevator. The doors slid open in recognition of his physical presence and he entered. A holographic map appeared in the front of him and he eyed it for the sector he sought. “Oh, here we go. Sector N.” He tapped the map panel and the elevator took off diagonally, it’s moving quite fast. The rims of the glass glowed a crimson shade, the color of the anti-gravity material used to temper the glass. Despite the momentum, the anti-gravity tethers locked the elevator in the place at its destination. A holographic text box reading Sector N formed in from of the commander as the doors slid open again, allowing him entry into the nature-filled sector. Sector N was the recreation of the former planet Gaiael’s natural land. The room stretched up to over twenty feet, and the various trees reached up just as high. The flora spread across the grass bore many kinds of fauna that Gaiael was known for in its existence.

Chronic Chaos Rabbits, polecats and other small creatures hid among the bushes as the commander walked down the grassy path toward what he could make out to be a park with a familiar figure seated on a park bench. “So what do I owe the pleasure this time, Infinis?” asked the commander, smiling as he approached the seated time spirit. “We’ve come to lend you a hand, Victor. Something is going to happen that you will need my help with.” Victor sighed deeply. “I figured something would happen soon. It’s been far too quiet lately.” As if on-cue with Infinis’ appearance, a warning siren began blaring and the lights throughout the station dimmed to a dark red. “Commander!” came a shout from Victor’s coms device. “enemy vessels have docked! We’re reading the Trophy Harvesters and Phaser’s Trapmaster machine! They’ve docked in the Sector N residential district! Sub-sector R! As usual, Infinis, you’ve planned another visit rather well. Can you help?” “Why else would I be here, my friend?” Infinis asked in reply, chuckling as he began heading further into the natural sector. Victor rushed after him, pulling the ivory hilt of an energy-based weapon from his belt. “INTRUDERS IN SECTOR N, SUB-SECTOR R!” an automatic female voice began to recite. The lights in the residential district were flashing on and off, signifying the source of trouble. Infinis and Victor arrived at the target house, where crashing and screaming could be heard behind the door. “Take what you want, boys,” spoke an arrogant-sounding voice. “We’ve got bigger fish to fry.” “Yes sir, Lord Phaser!” replied a group voice. The iron door was immediately kicked down and a black-haired man in sleek cybernetic armor, appearing to be in his late twenties, casually walked down the stairs with a rather large energy-based carbine rifle in his hands. As he reached the bottom and his men began filing out of the home with their own smaller rifles, the man locked eyes with the time spirit and commander standing in front of him. “Well, well...if it isn’t Victor Agnius and Infinis Chronalis. To what do I owe the pleasure?” Victor began to speak, but was quickly interrupted by Phaser. “You know what? I don’t care. I’m just going to kill you and take what I came here for.” Phaser released the safety from his rifle and began open-firing on the two, his weapon unleashing a barrage of heated energy bullets. Victor rolled to the right as Infinis swerved through Phaser’s shots, rushing toward him and drawing forth his cane. Phaser smirked as he flipped a switch on the back of his rifle, changing the weapon’s function. Energy began charging up at the tip of the barrel as the time spirit drew closer to the cybernetic man-hunter. Growing closer to his target, Infinis swung his cane down toward the tip of the gun, forcing the weapon, as well as its wielder’s hands, to aim in the wrong direction, releasing the fully-charged blast into the ground. Phaser was sent flying up high into the air and crashed to the ground below, leaving his armor cracked. “Men! Back to the Harvesters! We’ll use the Gravity Burn!” The men gave an immediate salute as most rushed back into the residence. The remaining two lifted Phaser up off the ground and carried him through as well. Moments later, their ships were heard disengaging from the station and taking off. “They’re headed for the core,” Victor said, his voice filled with worry. “He won’t be able to take another Gravity Burn. It’ll detach all of the station sectors. There’s nothing we can do to stop it this time. “I wouldn’t be so sure of that,” Infinis said with his usual know-it-all grin. Victor eyed Infinis curiously. “What are you

planning-” Before Victor could finish, a gold rift formed above Infinis and a mirror dropped from above. The mirror bore a gold-colored frame with a crimson trim along the edges. “Right on time, Mister Maloric.” Infinis looked to Victor and held up the mirror. “Here, dear Victor, is the answer to our problems.” “...mirror?” “Not just any mirror,” Infinis stated matter-of-factly. “A mirror with a golden frame and a Malorium accent.” “...I’m not really going to bother questioning you, Chronalis. You’re a madman, but it works for you.” “Exactly.” Infinis made his way to the core of the station, which was normally under high restrictions. However, due to Infinis’ credentials, among the many worlds he watches through his rift, he had no problem gaining access. The core, which tethered the station’s sectors to the main sector, was that of a powerful sphere of gravitational and time energy that glowed an ethereal grey. The core was open to the vacuum of space in one direction only to keep the heat from melting the station away. Infinis approached the vent path, still holding the mirror close. As he reached the end, he caught Phaser and his crew’s vessels in the corner of his eye. It took several seconds for the ships to arrive at the entrance to the core room, where they lingered as the head vessel, Phaser’s Trapmaster, charged up a dark blue energy beam in its main cannon. Infinis stood ready with the mirror in hand, waiting intently for Phaser’s attack. As the beam finished its charge, the ship launched the intense azure blast. At the sound of the cannon, Infinis tossed the mirror up to the center of the vent. The mirror caught the blast and flashed red for an instance before it redirected the blast back at Phaser and his crew, ripping the Harvesters to pieces and leaving a number of uncountable dents in the Trapmaster, resulting in Phaser’s immediate panic-driven retreat. “And that is how reflection works when enhanced with gravity magic.” “Are you ever going to tell me what you needed that mirror for?” Christopher asked as Infinis returned to the rift. “Let me put it simply,” Infinis replied. “The Malorium in the mirror, combined with the gold and the natural reflective surface, allowed it to act as a powerful deflection field against high-octane energy weaponry.” “And...why did you need to reflect a high-octane energy blast?” “That is a story for another time, Christopher.” Infinis about-faced and began walking off toward another rift. “Oh, and Christopher...I’m going to need you to retrieve a few ingredients for me. Let me think...” A slip of blank paper appeared before the billionaire time mage, followed by a pen that began to write out the time spirit’s thoughts. “I will need a vial of magic water, two hand-crafted oak wands, a shield with resistance to ice and three bags of pop rocks.” As Infinis vanished into the rift, Christopher stared at the list in total confusion.

“Infinis...what the bloody hell are you doing THIS time!?”

The Parrot Trap

The Legend of the Condom Fairies

The Legend of The Condom fairies WriTTen by Spencer Bollettieri, iLLusTraTed by Anna Sirota

ave you ever been to 1C and found a condom stuck to your shoe? Or have you tried to have relations with your special partner, only to be pelted with a storm of raining rubbers? Well gather ‘round red-headed lads and lasses because it’s story time! And today we will be discussing the legend of the condom fairies and the origins of these so-called “rubbers from Heaven.” By now I’m sure you know of the mystical creatures that haunt our campus, we have the toejam goblins of 2A, the muffin top mermaids of 1P and of course Matt Young. But out of all the school’s mystical menagerie of kooky creatures, none are more infamous than the condom fairies who have made their home in the Campus Center. Now I know what you’re thinking. What is a condom fairy? Where do they come from? And what’s that snaking its way up my leg? Well I ask you to please ignore the latter and shut your chat

box, because what lies ahead is a story of mystery, intrigue and sexual safety. So close those chew holes and open up your ears because this knowledge will save your ungrateful lives. Our story begins like any other fairy tale, long ago in a land far, far away. Back in those days, condoms were plentiful and handed out freely. Now as to how and why this was, scholars are still scratching their heads. Some claim back in those days it was a tribute to the elder gods, others say that it was a token of wealth and were given out by the monarchy, while still others claim that it was some kind of ritual of passage for freshmen who had yet to violate every surface of the newly built Campus Center. But whatever it was, whatever the reason, amongst the many attending the school back then, was a young girl named Sarah. According to legend, Sarah was saddened by the state of the world. She’d wake up every morning, discover a new Schwarzenegger love child, go to sleep at night hear the announcement of the umpteenth Duggar. And not a day went by that she cried, thinking about how much unprotected sex there was and how many idiots there were being brought into the world.

The Legend of the Condom Fairies

But one day she got a most interesting idea, seeing the abandoned condoms being tossed aside, she collected them in a big pouch. And under the guise of “the condom fairy”, very much like Johnny Appleseed, she bounced around campus, pelting the sexually active with condoms, screaming “I am the condom fairy! I am the condom fairy! Weeeee!” all in an attempt to spread safe sex and begin a blight of unwanted children. But alas, no matter what she did, where she went, she was still mortal and could not stop the genetically inferior from procreating. So one night, after praying to the night sky, she was paid a visit by the white fairy. Seeing her teary eyes and a fist full of rubbers, the fairy couldn’t help but ask in that cancer-encrusted voice: “What’s the matter my child?” Staring up at her with a look of confusion and wonder, Sarah simply responded. “I want to spread safe sex… but I am only human!” unable to choke back her tears. “Well if you were not human, what would you like to be?” the fairy asked. Without saying a word, the two just stared at each other. “It is done,” said the white fairy and turned Sarah into the first condom fairy. Sprouting wide rubber wings and being granted a long wooden wand for her to hold, she was able to use magic to spread condoms about the land and magically castrate those who she felt were not fit to bare children. And since then, condom fairy sightings have been ever increasing as more and more joined her legion. Now condom fairies are not born, but created, believed to be the souls of clueless freshmen who were spirited away to the realm of the condom fairies (a.k.a. the Campus Health center). And it’s why the school often warns freshmen that if you hear the fluttering of rubber wings or the Trojan Man theme echoing in the background to stand perfectly still. Because you never know when one of these prophylactic pixies will abduct you and recruit you in their condom crusade. And although I admit a pretty dress, a long wand and rubber wings may sound attractive, I warn you if you’re spirited away, you’ll be dealing rubbers for a very long time. The condom fairies inhabit the Campus

Center and access it through rips within the fabric of space and time. Their main home (which is currently referred to by old maps as “the realm of the condom fairy”) seems to currently inhabit the same space-time as our campus health office, and it’s said those foolish enough to enter there will never be seen again. However according to some old texts discovered, the realm of the condom fairy is a cold and sterile place, white and pure and basking in a clean radiance, it has been said to resemble what can only described as “Adrian Monk’s own personal wet dream.” Fairies, although united under queen Sarah, seem to inhabit large rubber hives about the land, which rise up like a forest of big balloons, where they will gather for social events, assignments and, of course, old reruns of Seinfeld. And at the very edge of their pocket universe, there seems to be a main castle where Queen Sarah herself still resides and continues to plan out her war against the idiots of our world. Now if you are short on prophylactics and fear the cold castrating hands of Queen Sarah, you may summon a condom fairy to leave you a rubber. And according to the elder texts, this is how it’s done:

“If you want sex so pure and lacking in disease; Take your partner, prop them up and label them in “c’s.” Then if you are careful and do not turn around; Sure enough you’ll find a condom, lying on the ground.” Anyway, that’s the legend of the condom fairies and all the information you’ll ever need to do each other on this campus. So now that I’ve properly educated you, you are now all free to violate the Campus Center in new and exciting ways we old timers never thought imaginable. Just remember to proceed with caution, because you never know when the condom fairies are watching. And for better or worse, they’ll always be there in a never-ending crusade against the spread of the genetically inferior.

75 Uses for Caesura Magazine

Let’s get serious for a minute... as a Student Publication, we’re put under an subtle, yet overwhelming obligation to stay unbiased and to not show any kind of excessive favor nor opposition towards any one group or interest. With that in mind, consider this a brief break to those we have torn apart repeatedly, (you know who you are) so that we may shine the judgemental O3LD spotlight on those who have, until now, gone untouched.

1. 2.

75 Doorstop

USES FOR

Caesura Magazine

Make shift weights, a.k.a. an un opened box of them.

Projectile weapon. Remember to stick the spine outward.

Confetti. Paper shredder required.

Material for use in a wide variety of paper crafts.

by Jaycen Corrente

14.

A home for a hamster.

15.

A rabbit snack for those who can’t afford carrots.

16.

Bird cage liner.

17.

Human cage liner.

18.

One of those magazines you see in doctor’s office waiting rooms next to old Dr. Seuss books and outdated issues of Good Housekeeping.

19.

Boat ballast.

20.

Table leg balance.

Natural sleep-aide. No medication = no dependency risk.

Natural tear gland stimulator.

21.

Billy-goat snack.

Makes for an awesome drinking game, see next page.*

22.

Poor-person Frisbee.

23.

Dryer sheet...possibly...maybe...probably won’t cuase a fire to try.

Origami, classified under #5.

10.

Wallpaper.

24.

Mystical spell book.

11.

Something to lean on. Not metaphorically, literally something to lean on. Think of a chin rest, if you will.

25.

To clear out any open-mic event.

26.

Alternative to the death penalty.

12.

A script for those auditioning for an anti-depressant commercial.

27.

Stocking stuffer for naughty children at Christmas, Santa’s greener alternative to coal.

13.

Perfect kindling...maybe.

28.

Psychiatrist’s ink blot test.

75 Uses for Caesura Magazine

29.

Make-shift paint palette.

30.

Paper airline pad.

31.

Internet Captcha generator.

32.

Editing test for Serpentine Magazine (you’re next).

33.

Toilet paper, though the resulting papercuts will make you feel like you’ve been wiping your ass with the same broken glass probably featured in some of its artwork.

59.

Building material for a really cool fort!

60.

Can hold a window open on hot summer days!

61.

Laxative.

62.

Anesthetic.

63.

Dictionary scavenger hunt.

64.

Seat cushioning.

65.

Dividers for gardens.

66.

Homemade guitar picks.

67.

Hipster post cards.

68.

Very bad Braille.

69.

Grounds for abuse.

70.

Gum disposal paper.

71.

Humane torture.

72.

Inhumane torture.

73.

Demon code, a supplement manual for the Necronomicon.

34.

Balance car in the winter time.

35.

Quick and easy holiday gifts for co-workers. Will probably result in the first-ever “Worst Secret Santa Award”.

36.

Coasters.

37.

Streamers.

38.

Sponges.

39.

Compost.

40.

Pillow for the homeless.

41.

Padding for playgrounds.

42.

Ashtray.

74.

Building blocks.

43.

Flood guard.

75.

A literary journal?!?!?!?!

44.

Make-shift dinner plate.

45.

Replacement for a house of cards.

~ ~ ~ CAESURA DRINKING GAME! ~ ~ ~

46.

Make-shift umbrella.

47.

Hipster bait.

48.

An aphrodisiac for emos.

Lightweight mode: Drink everytime you see a photograph containing rust, broken glass, shadowy figures, or anything in ruins, i.e.: building falling apart or fallen trees.

49.

A boner-killer for everyone else.

50.

Wrapping paper.

51.

Paper-mache experiments.

52.

Door mat.

53.

Inexpensive sound proofing.

54.

Very expansive word search.

55.

Make-shift shield.

56.

Roofing

57.

Literacy test for deportees.

58.

Companion cube material.

Hardcore mode: Follow above rules as well as drinking everytime you spot a typo of any kind, see any mention of rain, blades cutting, suicide, blood or shadows. With any issue and your favorite liquor, you’re bound to be SMASHED within five pages! Have fun! DISCLAIMER: Neither O3LD, the author of this article, the College of Staten Island, nor the City University of New York will be held liable for any alcohol poisoning or suicial tendencies due to reading Caesura.

You got your break, Third Rail. Serpentine Magazine will be next issue... maybe.

THE

FOOD CHAIN Written by Nicholas Tronolone, Illustrated by Anna Sirota

Humans feed mosquitoes...

Mosquitoes feed frogs... Frogs feed the French...

We believe this is how the animal/human food chain works. We don't know, and we don't care. Stick this into a textbook, biologists!

Cartoon Obituaries

Cartoon obituaries Written by Spencer Bollettieri, illustrated by Nina Musillo

~ The Count ~

~ Carmen SanDiego ~

It’s a dark day on Sesame Street as they finally bury their resident undead aristocrat, the Count. Found staked in home last Thursday, his death is now being ruled a hate crime by NYPD officials. Believed to be a retaliation hit by the Fellowship of the Sun, they’ve been recently suspected of carrying out a series of anti-fang attacks in the New York area. “Evidently they believe the only thing that should come back from the dead is Jesus,” comments Detective Dick Nichols. A token funeral will be held at the Count’s castle at 6:00 PM this Sunday in which guests will be encouraged to count the mourners.

It took over 28 years and countless millions of dollars to find her, but very much like Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein before her, it seems the U.S. government has finally found and successfully executed world terrorist Carmen SanDiego. Known for her intricate plots, her criminal organization and an annoying habit of just being right out of the reach of young players, White House officials announced Thursday that they managed to track her down to her secret hideout in the one place no A.C.M.E. agent would dare to look. “How the Hell were we supposed to know she was hiding out on Lighthouse Hill?” comments A.C.M.E. chief Lynne Thigpen. Carmen leaves behind a criminal empire that spans across time and space as well as a series of patience testing edutainment games. We honestly hope she rots in Hell because amongst the priceless treasures she’s stolen is our childhoods.

Cartoon Obituaries

~ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ~

Angus and Asian stereotype Charlie. Magoo leaves behind a multi-billion dollar legacy and some Last week the bodies recovered from the classic laughs at the expense of the Hudson River were identified as those of the blind and near-sighted. He will be missed. Ninja Turtles. Known for their vigilante form of justice and their love of pizza, the turtles were ~ Speedy Gonzales ~ the self-proclaimed protectors of New York and enemies to the Shredder. When investigating the woman who claimed However what was originally thought to be an to have found a half eaten mouse in her Taco unfortunate end brought on by the hands Bell value meal, FDA officials were able of the Foot Clan, coroners are now pointing to identify the remains as those of famous fingers at their unsanitary living conditions. cartoon mouse and speedster, Speedy Gonza“Autopsies and toxicology reports show the les. Known for his ethnic humor and his abilturtle’s sewer lair was a breeding ground for ity to run at supersonic speeds, Gonzales was some of the worst pathogens to be flushed down a beloved cartoon hero until FCC ended his the wonder seat,” says Dr. Gaylord Sechs. And career, claiming him to be an “ethnic stereotype.” later went on to list some of the diseases the Officially blacklisted and banned from reptiles were carrying at the time of death. “They television it seemed that the only job he could include, but are not limited to, herpes, rabies, find was at a Taco Bell sweatshop where he super AIDS, mad cow disease, trichinosis, gang ultimately met his crunchy fate. Gonzales is green, Hepatitis A, B, C and D and the worse survived by his wife Consuela and 46 cases of cryptosporidium ever documented,” children. A service will be held in his honor he concluded. The turtles leave behind friends at Brown’s Discount Funeral Home April O’Neil and Casey Jones, as well as their on Bellevue this Saturday at 3:00 PM. sister Venus (who nobody gives a shit about). When asked what will he do now that his enemies were drudging through God’s sewers, supervillain Shredder only had this to say: “Tonight I dine on turtle soup!”

~ Mr. Magoo ~ Canning tycoon and entrepreneur Quincy Magoo was accidentally executed by the state last Saturday at the age of 80. When touring the Texas State Prison, it seems Magoo wandered off the tour and into what he assumed to be some fancy new nightclub called “Death’s Row.” After dancing with an electric chair and nursing a vial of embalming fluid, security cameras show Magoo shooting up what he thought to be “some new fangled recreational drug.” Mr. Magoo is succeeded by his nephew Waldo, his dog

Unlikely Presidential Picks

The Secret Sex Life of Yoda

The SecreT Sex Life of Yoda WriTTen bY Anthony LoGatto, iLLuSTraTed bY Nina Musillo

here is a lot of freaky shit going on in a galaxy far, far away. Many fans of the famed Star Wars series will always say that the Sith would commit any sort of sin against humanity.

Among the more evil things the Sith has done

were several assassinations of several members

of the Jedi Council, distributing drugs into several planets in the galaxy, racial profiling, fleecing many members outside the Sith dry with their time share scam, and forcing the younglings to compete in sub par reality shows; as well as some members having a Wookie fetish. But many of you should be surprised that the Sith aren’t the only ones that have

unrequited sexual desires. Sure, the Jedi are pure and righteous, but there’s at least one Jedi master who has a much freakier side of the force. No, he isn’t Obi Wan Kenobi nor Luke Skywalker. Han Solo may have had a few good times with some alien chicks, as did his companion Chewbacca. The less we can say about C3PO and R2D2 the better. This hidden sexual beast is around 4’ tall, has a green complexion, sounds like Grover at 70, speaks in an unusual speaking pattern... and is hung like a horse. Yes, that is right; one of the most pure of the Jedi knights has a freaky side! Jedi master Yoda has had sex with many maidens across the galaxy, and he’s the only one of his kind who didn’t explode afterwards.

The Secret Sex Life of Yoda

In case you’re wondering, whenever his species has sex at around 900 years old, they usually explode afterwards. (Although, several do catch their breath beforehand.) It does get disgusting trying to clean up the place, but so far, Yoda hasn’t reached that point yet at his age. For most of his life, Yoda has led this double life as a highly respectable Jedi master, while still keeping his sex life a secret to most. Our source, who asked not to be identified despite her recognizable cinnabun hairstyle, told us in candid detail about how she was intimate with the shortest Jedi master and how he used the Force on her. “I still remember it like it was yesterday,” the anonymous source told us in an exclusive interview. “Master Yoda called me into his chambers after recovering Luke from the Empire. He wanted to congradulate me for leading the attack. But then... ” she struggles to regain her composure, despite noticing that her breasts were heaving inside of her dress, “He started to hit on me. He used the Force to grope me. He used his powers to caress every part of my body. I can feel his fingers tingling every nerve of my body.” From our research, in addition to his unethical misuse of the Force, Yoda has used his share of pickup lines in his quest for some intergalactic tail: “Hmm? Put a shield on my saber I must!”, “Do me or do me not. There is no try!”, “Feel the force! Feel the force! Feel the force you will!”, And of course... “Who’s your Jedi master, who’s your Jedi master?” We’ve also have proof that he also used the Jedi mind trick on several females across the galaxy. He has used this tactic whenever a girl refuses to give him a moment of her time, but after a wave of his hand and a reverse pattern of words, the girls come to him like candy. There has also been evidence of Yoda’s visits to the palace of one Jabba the Hutt. We all know that Jabba has been referred to as the “Hugh Hefner of the Galaxy”, but it does make him look the fool whenever Yoda comes in the room. Yoda has been seen hitting on several of his slaves/dancers throughout his palace of perversion. From busty Twi’leks to scaly Rodians, Yoda was able to tap every ass in the palace. Among them were Greeata Jendowanian and Lyn Me, two of the top dancers and members of the Max Rebo

Band. And yes, even the punk rocker of the group, Rystall Sant. Sy Snootles, however, was a little difficult for him to get with due her species’ unusual sexual anatomy. But it does lead us to one perplexing question: was Yoda actually able to get any of the women he’s encountered knocked up? Well, it’s a hit or miss. It appears that he doesn’t want to father illegitimate children, and frankly, we at O3LD are not surprised; especially the fact that Yoda cannot find a condom that big to fit his not-so-little green thing. It’s already bad enough that Yoda also has a drinking problem, but his sexual appetite have been making the Jedi knights look questionable... even more than usual after the scandal years ago with the molesting of young Padawans. (Yoda still denies his involvement in that matter to this day.) To make matters worse, he has also used his powers of the Force to slap those who are out of line, calling it the Jedi Pimp Slap. Let that image of a small green being in pimp clothing, as well doing the lingo, sink in, and you’ll see what I mean. “I still can’t believe that little freak bangs all of my bi-atches!” Jabba the Hutt bellowed through his interpreter. “I am supposed to be the pimp daddy of the galaxy, but this diminutive well-endowed Jedi master is better than me?! Impossible!” And then he ate the interpreter in anger. Darth Vader also had this to say: “That little green bastard has scored with more women than I as a part of the empire! I may have been burned in over 90% of my body, but at least I know that I can still get it on with the best of them!” Many of the Jedi council are concerned about Yoda’s activities outside of the council, and wished for him to try and settle down for once. When O3LD caught up with Yoda, he told us, “Give a shit, I do not! Horny I am! Laid, I must get! My bitches get away from!” For a little guy, he sure has been around the block his share of times. Not to mention that he has gotten in trouble for his lascivious ways; a year ago, he nearly got the snot kicked out of him by Chewbacca for sleeping with his wife. To reiterate, there is some freaky shit going on in a galaxy far, far away... it’s just that the freak in question is a little smaller in height than you think.

MAP of the NEW WILLOWBROOK ASYLUM

by the O3LD STAFF

Campus Map provided by the College of Staten Island website. NORTH ACADEMIC QUADRANGLE Campus Center, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1C Student Publication Factory, Student Government Squawk House, Public Safety Break Lounge, Cafeteria Food Test Lab, Student Drug Store, MTVU/Viacom Sell-Out Spot #2186C Code Monkey Breeding Ground . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1N Marchi Hall . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2N Home of the Viking History Professors, Political Junkies Training Facility for Future . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3N The Apprentice Contestants Fortune 500 CEOs Outdated Electronics Depository . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4N

, L S O M L OR D

Can’t Really Make a Joke Here . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5N Without Looking Like a Bunch of Dicks Physical Therapy Make-Shift Planetarium . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6N Motherland of the Meathead . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1R Muscle Maximizers Center for Babysitting Services, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2R Ankle-Biters Association Student Art Museum and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1P Drama Center

SOUTH ACADEMIC QUADRANGLE Computer Lab for Social Networking, . . . . . . . . . . . . 1L Wikipedia Blackout Sanctuary Geometroll Hideout . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1S Silly Ninnies Who Believe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2S Reading is Still Important for Some Reason, oh, and Languages, too. Future CSI Professors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3S Only Campus Building That Can . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4S Legally House Willowbrook Patients, Unhealthy Health Experts Marcus Hall. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5S Can’t Really Think of Anything Funny For Nursing. Seriously. Biochemicological Sciences/ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6S Explosive Chemical Plant

ADMINISTRATION Secret Lair of the Captain Obviouses, . . . . . . . . . . . .1A a.k.a. Academic Advisement Bursar’s Bureaucratic Base of Doom . . . . . . . . . . . . .2A Background Prop for the . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3A Commencement Ceremony Tower of Slave Labor, Home of . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1M CUNY’s Fastest Supercomputer

The Legend of the Golden Boy

The Legend of The goLden Boy WriTTen By Stephanie Kaplan & Matt Young iLLusTraTed By Edward Peppe

Mattesus Youngus was a clever king but he was greedy- he wanted to take over the nce upon a time, in the college with his sharp keen senses and his rapier-like wit. He often poked fun at the kingdom of CSI, lived a king named higher elders of the town because he wanted to Mattesus Youngus- in a land play games with the people. represented by a lone tower. A great King Mattesus drew out a center map in society was started by the great Mikzeus a secret document called “O3LD6” showing the hidden location of the elders and exposing their Youngus and passed down to his brother. weaknesses. “Get the fuckus out of CSsuckus!“ It is said that Mikzeus did a powerful split exclaimed elder “Mecha” Philoppe, who labeled Mattesus as a jokester.

and sliced the land in two using just his legs. A third leg was born.

The Legend of the Golden Boy

The elders held a secret meeting in a confused by these sacred words because board room. It was decided that Mattesus would Mattesus never taught anyone anything. be expelled from the land, but not before the So she continued to ask the towns people. leader Tomash Moralex issued Mattesus a test, Some legends said Mattesus slept on the clouds. to “earn credits”. Others said that he was a cloud. If Mattesus passed, he could leave the With these “helpful rumors”, the loud land alive. “Most people who dare go to CSI maiden explored the land. She first followed never get to leave! But I am offering this test to the gray tiled road leading her to a place called you as a gift so you may be able to see the Third Rail. Third Rail gave Stephanith a middle horrors of the land outside!”, said Moralex. finger. Looking deeper, it pointed to the right Mattesus passed the trials with flying answers. She unlocked a path to the desert colors, despite not taking anything seriously. He Caesura. spent most of his days lying on the grass outside Passing through the smelly desert, or appreciating nature in many other ways. Stephanith discovered “Operation ThreeTomash reluctantly issued Mattesus the Legged Dolphin”. Mattesus was napping inside. paper needed to leave. However, it’s just a piece “Oh so, you have awoken me from my slumber. of paper that is scoffed at by the real world. “With that I bid you farewell!” Mattesus As Mattesus took his leave, he discovered was never seen again, but his story lives on in a young maiden with a sugary face. He pulled the hearts of young maidens. out a golden key and handed it to the young Stephanith learned anything can be maiden. solved with the proper desire. One single key “It’s a sacred heirloom that’s been in our can open many doors, particularly if you have a family for generations. It’s dangerous black staff shirt. outside- you’ll need to take this with you,” The girl took the key but was puzzled by it. Just when the young maiden, Stephanith Kaplath, was beginning to lose all hope, a golden maned spirit of Mattesus appeared in the light nine minutes later. “Don’t give up, my child. Remember what I taught you,” Stephanith was even more

Battle Mech 2012 Comes to New York!

Battle Mech 2012 coMes to New York! the GalaxYâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s BiGGest GiaNt roBot show arrives oN earth! writteN BY Dave Lyev, illustrated BY Nina Musillo

the other giant metal being in the face with your giant metal fist. From gladiatorial combat sports to law rom our own humble Solar enforcement, from intergalactic races to military System to the distant Random engagement, nothing beats a giant robot for speed, System, all beings acknowledge the power, and efficiency. And today, I got to witness their awesome power first hand, at the first ever massive Armed Battle Frame, Battle Mech show to be held on Earth. colloquially known as a â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Giant Mechaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; as The Intergalactic Battle Mech Show is the the undisputed king of combat. single largest collection of armored suits, Be it on the ground, in the air, or out in mechanized battle frames, biped tanks and Super space, nothing beats the seemingly-impractical but Robots in the galaxy all gathered in one location, undeniably effective method of making a larger for the sole purpose of showing off. metal version of your own species and punching

Battle Mech 2012 Comes to New York!

Powerful mech-teams unveil their latest creations; up-and-coming designers show off their latest model; and old reliables show up to prove that their oldies are still goodies. Law enforcement agencies, top athletes, intergalactic heroes, crime-fighting teams, military personal and fat guys from New Jersey all gather here to prove to the world that their robot is, in fact, much cooler then all the rest. This particular show had an unusually large number of humans and humanoids, due to the Sol System being rather out of the way for most species, but we still had a fine, diverse collection of both pilots and mechs to observe. One particularly impressive display was a massive anti-planetary Super Robot-class mech known as Ultimate Cosmic Destruction God: Hades Eleven. Standing at a mind-boggling thirty meters tall, Hades Eleven is equipped with nigh-invulnerable armor made from Nonsenselum alloy, the Hammer of Absolute Asskicking, the Sword The Cuts Up Everything, the Blow Stuf Up Cannon (sic), and most impressively the Friggin’ Huge Laser Beam, capable of destroying most armored warships in a single shot. Like most Super Robots, it is also modular, capable of combining with a dizzying array of components, smaller mechs, weapons, and allies for a different approach to every situation. Or, you know, just for the ‘go inside me’ jokes. One of Hades Eleven’s greatest features, however, is its revolutionary fuel source, which is heralded as the most economical, environmentally friendly sources of energy in the galaxy. The Destruction God’s pilot, a humanoid male from the planet Ani’Mae (where all the guys are gorgeous hunks and all the girls are busty, badass warriors) named Awesome McBadass, elaborates. “Hades Eleven runs entirely on hotblooded

determination, willpower, and fighting spirit!” McBadass proudly proclaims. “Oh, and those weird green glowing rocks we found, but mostly FIGHTING SPIRIT!” His voice shook the very room with this proclamation, in fine mecha pilot tradition. Clearly, this revolutionary discovery could very well end energy shortages throughout the galaxy. Of course, not all mechs at the IGBMS are as flashy and destructive as Hades Eleven, not that this makes them any less impressive. Take, for example, the latest design from Defensive Mecha Machine Corps, a private mecha contractor that provides their services for law enforcement, security, and occasionally repelling small-scale alien invasions. The G-813 Bloodhound 32 Model #382673-I Version 2.3 is the DMMC’s latest advancement in non-lethal law enforcement, because nothing says ‘non-lethal combat’ and ‘keeping the peace’ like a three-story tall battle frame. Like most battle frames, the Bloodhound is significantly smaller then its Super Robot cousins, and with much lighter armor. Of course, this decrease in size and armor permits the Bloodhound to move at speeds rivaling a bullet train and move with surprising grace, despite still being a mass of metal and machinery that ways several metric tons. The Bloodhound is equipped with a powerful railgun known as the M-12 Bolter, a weapon capable of punching through 3-inch-thick titanium armor. The DMMC considers the Bolter to be ‘non-lethal’, as “all criminals worth the effort to catch are assumed to have their own battle frames anyway”, according to DMMC CEO Hunter Rogue.

Battle Mech 2012 Comes to New York!

Bloodhound is further fitted with top-of-the-line tracking technology capable of finding hidden weapons anywhere within a radius of five miles. When asked why this technology has not been installed in airports to increase security, the DMMC explained that the United States has a baffling policy of refusing patents to technology that “defies all we know about physics, logic, and science and has no adequate explanation as to how it functions”. The DMMC, thankfully, has no such petty concerns. Not every mech at the Intergalactic Battle Mech Show is meant solely for combat, though. A considerable number of mechs at the show today were meant for sports and competitions, such as mech fighting, mech racing, mech boxing, mech wrestling, mech dueling... basically the same as normal combat, but with more rules and an audience. One such mech is the Zephyr 086, a robust gladiator mech from the Amazing Sword Circuit Gladiators. The Gladiators are a team in the Intergalactic Supreme Mega Ultimate Robot 3000 EX, and are the current favorite to win the Intergalactic Supreme Championship Cup this year. Their pilot, Lone Lee Wolf, is a fan favorite, with a brooding attitude, violent temper, no stable relationships and considerable martial arts experience (it is unknown how much any of these factors effect pilot performance, but the Gladiators were adamant that they were required for adequate performance). The Zephyr itself is a marvel of engineering, despite its initially unimpressive, dull-brown exterior. Standing at a mere 18 meters tall with no visible weaponry, the Zephyr certainly does not look terribly imposing, and I admit I was initially skeptical as to its fighting ability. After a demonstration of it’s unique Weapon Analysis and Counter-Weapon Production System, however, my doubts were assuaged.

A miracle of engineering, programming, and giant-robot physics, the WACWPS is capable of analyzing any weapon it’s faced with, and produce the perfect counter-weapon. The device has more then ten thousand weapons to select from, all of which can be deployed from the same compartment on the Zephyr (the Gladiators declined to comment on how they all fit), and are invariably harder, better, faster, and stronger then the opposing weapon, all but ensuring victory even if the user has no prior training with the weapon. What I’ve listed here is just a small sampling of the amazing variety of giant robots I encountered at the Intergalactic Battle Mech Show today. To accurately convey the incredible amount of sheer awe and power on display would require an extensive wiki site filled with meaningless stats by ten-thousand nerds with neckbeards and no life. I was even privileged enough to see several of these grand machines in action as they banded together, in true comic-book crossover fashion, to repel a full-scale alien invasion on the convention center (as so many robots cannot gather in one place without at least one alien attack). The battle ended to quickly to be more then a brief mention on the evening news - the alien’s fleet was large but did not contain even a single giant robot - but seeing so many great machines leap into action simultaneously was exhilarating. At the end of the day, I left the convention center with a pile of autographs, flyers, promotional posters and a souvenir cup, tired but impressed. The Intergalactic Battle Mech Show is truly a sight to behold, and I truly wish I could come the next time it is held on Earth, one-thousand years from now. I only hope that when that time comes, we will still dig giant robots enough to appreciate it.

The O3LD Awards

THE

AWARDS

For leading the pack in procrastination. Phil Masciantonio, General Manager WSIA 88.9 FM Runner-up: Edward Peppe, Editor-in-Chief Operation Three-Legged Dolphin For founding the greatest student humor publication of all time: Michael Young, Founder Operation Three-Legged Dolphin For ordering the biggest amount of Chinese food in one time out of every CSI Student Publication: Matt Young, Assistant Editor Operation Three-Legged Dolphin (2010-2011) $89.00 in October 2010 For the biggest streak of political inaccuracy: Third Rail Runner-up: Every single televised news network with a political agenda. In other words, EVERYONE. For sporting the cleanest trench coat: The CSI Germaphobic Pimp (2011) For the longest hiatuses from political business: Barack Obama, Commander-in-Chief of the United States For providing government-funded Pokémon care at every Pokémon Center while cutting funding for real hospitals: Brock Obama, Commander-in-Chief of 1997 Longest running teenage romance story: Any Twilight movie. FUN FACT: One film is known to last exactly 90 minutes longer than an actual teenage romance. For exhibiting the most bipolar activity out of everyone: The planet Earth. For having a 99% chance of getting knocked-up: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. EDIT: Wait, scratch that. Make it 100%. For having the best and most reasonable return policy on all of their products: Best Buy. I have absolutely no problem with having a consistently accumulating pile of poorly manufactured headphones and matching reciepts take up space in my house with no way of reassembling the packaging so I can actually return them for store credit. Most typos in a bi-weekly newspaper: The Banner

NOTEBOOK QUICKIE

All of the more "inspired" comic strip ideas start out in a notebook. But inking takes actual time and effort, so here's Katie Anderson in her no. 2 penciled glory. You're welcome.

Broken Shells: History of the Peanuts Gang

THE PEANUTS COMICS, LIGHT-HEARTED STORIES THAT CAPTURED CHILDHOOD INNOCENCE. IN THIS EPISODE OF MADMEN, WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT HAS BECOME OF THE GANG. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... I'M THE REANIMATED CORPSE OF ROBERT STACK, AND THIS IS BROKEN SHELLS: HISTORY OF THE PEANUTS GANG.

OUT OF THE REMAINING PEANUTS GANG, SCHROEDER AGREED TO FILL IN THE BLANKS FOR US. UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS THE ONLY UNFUNNY MEMBER.

HELLO.

THANK YOU, MR. STACK. WAIT, AREN'T YOU DEAD?

DON'T ASK QUESTIONS, JUST TELL ME ABOUT THE GANG.

THE HORRORS BEGAN WHEN CHARLIE DIED... HE GOT PNEUMONIA AFTER A COLD WENT UNTREATED. HOW'D HE GET SICK? LUCY. THE BITCH LOCKED HIM OUT IN A BLIZZARD! FOR NO REASON, EITHER. ALTHOUGH, SNOOPY'S DEATH ESCALATED THE GRIEF AMONG THE GANG. HOW'D THE BEAGLE GO?

AFTER CHUCK DIED, SNOOPY PICKED UP ALCOHOLISM. WOODSTOCK ALSO DISAPPEARED.

WHILE STUMBLING HOME, HE WAS HIT BY A WONDER BREAD VAN... ** SOB **

LINUS' PROBLEMS WERE EVEN WORSE...

I SEE... WHAT HAPPENED TO LINUS?

Broken Shells: History of the Peanuts Gang HE TRIED SWALLOWING HOT PENNIES. LUCY'S IDEA.*

HE WAS RAPED IN THE PUMPKIN PATCH BY THE WAY. FUNNY THING, THOUGH. THE RAPE ISN'T WHAT HIT HIM. WHAT DID HIM IN WAS THE GUY TOOK HIS BLANKET. I TOLD LINUS NOT TO MEET HIM. THE POOR KID BECAME SUICIDAL. RIGHT NOW HE'S IN THE MINNEAPOLIS INSTITUTE FOR THE UNSTABLE...

HE MET SOMEONE ON Craig'sList. HE WAS LOOKING FOR A NEW BUDDY. THE GUY'S SCREEN NAME WAS...

THE GREAT PUMPKIN...

WHY'D YOU GO, MY BLANKET?? WHY?????

HMM... HOW ABOUT THE ODD FELLOW?

HOW'D HE TRY TO KILL HIMSELF? Editor: HE'S TOTALLY STONED, BRAH.

*DRAMA

PEPPERMINT PATTY AND MARCIE GOT MARRIED IN HOLLAND. THEY'VE MOVED TO ALASKA AND COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.

FRANKLIN? HE BEAT HIS GIRLFRIEND. LUCY TOOK HER SIDE, CALLED THE POLICE. HE WAS CAUGHT WITH 10 LBS. OF HASH.

WHAT ABOUT THE-

I LOVE YOU, MARCIE.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, SIR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO LUCY, ANYHOW? IT SEEMS THAT ALL OF THIS TRACES BACK TO HER...

LUCY CALLS THEM "THE KLONDIKES". IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS WHY.

WE HAD A LOVE AFFAIR THAT RESULTED IN A KID WHO SHE COLLECTS WELFARE AND CHILD SUPPORT ON CONSTANTLY.

THANK YOU, SCHROEDER. GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.

THANKS ROBERT. HOPE I HELPED.

SHE RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE!

PLEASE, CALL ME MR. STACK.

SUCCESS!

THAT'S ABOUT IT. AS FOR ME, I'VE SPENT MY LIFE LIVING THE DREAM OF BEING THE BEETHOVEN OF MY GENERATION. SADLY THOUGH, TONIGHT WILL BE MY LAST SHOW, AS MY ARTHRITIS HAS SIMPLY MADE IT TOO DIFFICULT TO PLAY. IT'S ALMOST IRONIC IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT...

Broken Shells: History of the Peanuts Gang

NOW WE KNOW THE GRAVE PROBLEMS THE PEANUTS WENT THROUGH...

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN WE DISECT THE BRADY BUNCH. IS THE LOVABLE CAST INVOLVED IN A CULT?

O3LD: The New Adventures Ep. 1

Thanks for taking the time to read the latest issue of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin! To all the people we probably pissed off, we anxiously await your hate mail. 45

Cover art by