Operation Three-Legged Dolphin: Final Issue by Operation Three-Legged Dolphin

THE

FINAL ISSUE Spring/Summer 2015 NE W T H I S I SSU E :

The Legend of the Golden Boy and The Pharaoh Dolphin’s Third Leg of Justice Yahoolstiltskin Rejected O3LD Mascots: The Continuation Top 15 Rejected Comic Ideas Uncle Erk’s Bench A Self Tale In the Life of a Puppet Master AND MORE FROM:

Ed Peppe Mike Young Eric Van Wolken Matt Young Spencer Bolleteri Anna Sirota Nicholas Tronolone Andrew Battaglia Jamie DeMonte

tinyurl.com/O3LDf

STUDENT PUBLICATIONS

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is a community effort, kept alive by the very creative and very talented individuals of CSI’s student body. We thank our staff for making the magazine what it is today through their hard work and dedication.

OPERATION THREE-LEGGED DOLPHIN STAFF as of ISSUE #11 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Ed Peppe

ASSISTANT EDITOR

SECRETARY

Spencer Bolletieri

FACULTY ADVISOR

CONTRIBUTORS

ED PEPPE ANNA SIROTA MIKE YOUNG

ERIC VAN WOLKEN ANDREW BATTAGLIA MATT YOUNG

OPERATION THREE-LEGGED DOLPHIN created by

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin 2800 Victory Boulevard Staten Island, New York 10314 Building 1C, Room 215

Eric Van Wolken Richard Krystoforski SPENCER BOLLETIERI NICHOLAS TRONOLONE JAMIE DEMONTE

Michael Young

CONTACT THE MAGAZINE:

O3LD.CSI@gmail.com

michaelyoung21@gmail.com edward.peppe@cix.csi.cuny.edu

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is published by the students of the College of Staten Island. All works and typefaces contained within this publication are the property of the creators and are protected by copyright law. No materials within this publication may be reprinted in whole or in part, in any form, without the permission of the editors. All content (articles, comic strips, etc.) published in this magazine are works of fiction. Any references to actual events or people are only for satirical purposes. Some works may contain direct or indirect references to certain registered trademarks and are only done so under terms of Fair Use. Opinions expressed herein are those of the writers, and are not necessarily shared by the Operation Three-Legged Dolphin staff or the College of Staten Island. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is not a publication of the College of Staten Island or The City University of New York. The College of Staten Island and The City University of New York are not responsible for the contents of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is meant to appeal to a mature audience, and may contain material that parents may not find suitable for younger readers. We try our best to provide quality written entertainment to our fellow students and hold our writers to very high standards. With that said, to everyone who may be offended by this magazine, know that we will not apologize, but rather advise you to please take a number and wait in line.

Table of Contents ISSUE #11 ~ SPRING/SUMMER 2015

THE LEGEND OF THE GOLDEN BOY AND THE PHARAOH DOLPHIN’S THIRD LEG OF JUSTICE Written and Illustrated by MATT YOUNG

pg. 4

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO KATIE ANDERSON Written and Illustrated by ED PEPPE

pg. 6, 14, 30, 36, 39

YAHOOLSTILTSKIN Written by SPENCER BOLLETIERI

pg. 9

REJECTED O3LD MASCOTS: THE CONTINUATION Written and Illustrated by MATT YOUNG

pg. 12

RANK MY PROFESSOR Written by SPENCER BOLLETIERI Illustrated by ED PEPPE

pg. 18

TOP 15 REJECTED COMIC IDEAS Written by NICK TRONOLONE, Illustrated by ANDREW BATTAGLIA

pg. 20

UNCLE ERK’S BENCH Written by ERIC VAN WOLKEN Illustrated by JAMIE DeMONTE

pg. 24

A SELF TALE IN THE LIFE OF A PUPPET MASTER Written and Illustrated by MATT YOUNG

pg. 27

ADOPT A MONKEY IN A BARREL Written by NICK TRONOLONE, Illustrated by ANDREW BATTAGLIA

pg. 32

OFFICE OF STUDENT ACCESSIBILITY RECOGNIZES WEREWOLF STUDENTS Written by SPENCER BOLLETIERI, Illustrated by ANNA SIROTA

pg. 37

POKÉMON RAP BATTLES Written by SPENCER BOLLETIERI, Illustrated by ED PEPPE

pg. 41

The Legend of the Golden Boy

The Legend of The goLden Boy and The Pharaoh doLPhin,s Third Leg of JusTice WriTTen & iLLusTraTed By Matt Young

here was once a spirited golden boy who has spent his days participating in whimsical nonsense and petty antics. He was one man of gold, on one journey to awaken his inner third leg and the spirit that lies within. After wandering around the world, meditating on mountains and embracing the fumes of incense, he questioned. The intensity of his eyes never ceased, amidst the utter whirlwind of life. However, no matter where his voyage took him, Mattesus accepted his limitations. He continued to draw in a sketchbook overrun by radical dolphins, flower turkeys, and dick doodles. He continued to didge on his didgeridoo to some retro ‘Dolphin Doo-Wop’ as he glanced at

everyone passing him by with a blank stare. One day, after having his head particularly deep in the clouds, Mattesus discovered an ancient pyramid. After trekking through the pyramid’s depths, he saw “Operation Three-Legged Pharaoh” written on the walls. What is “Operation ThreeLegged Pharaoh?” he pondered. After finding nothing else inside the pyramid besides some loot, Mattesus exited. He felt somewhat disheartened that he failed to find what he was searching for, and began contemplating the fabrics of dreams and reality from every angle, though he was content that he had some hippie swag, and some junk to sell on Craigslist. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning illuminated the sky. The wild three-legged pharaoh dolphin appeared. Mattesus approached with questions about the meaning of life, but the pharaoh dolphin said nothing. “One must do their thing-” said the pharaoh dolphin, quoting every oracle ever.

The Legend of the Golden Boy

Thus, the dolphin vanished with the thunder, later to emerge from the fog as golden rainbow. As the storm came to a close, Mattesus looked towards the majestic crystal sky in a state of awe. The human emotion could not be conveyed in words. After his so called ‘spiritual experience’, Mattesus decided to become a true seeker of peace, a gentle guardian that can penetrate the soul like the fiercest of arrows.

Perhaps the pharaoh dolphin was within him all along, and perhaps it is within all of us. Unraveling the truth amidst a sea of lies. Love without reasoning. As the eternal river continues to flow, dolphins forever dance with the water.

Heartbreak allows monstrous manifestations of the cruelest sorts to enter your mind! It gives you the awesome benefit of feeling completely emotionally distraught, and that’s pretty dang radical! Totally tubular! Heartbreak and sorrow allows you to question shit, and lets you utilize your crazy little brain. It allows your soul to flourish, and create some awesome brooding artwork, music, and poetry. And yes, maybe she was a danged goddess, but beautiful lasses exist all around; all of them equally willing to eat your heart for lunch with some spice! Can’t say much about dudes though. If you still have some ‘bloody tears’, from your heartbreak- you ought to play some freakin’ Castlevania! Eat a bag of nachos while you’re at it, but make sure to get the whole grain ones so you don’t feel bad about gaining weight. If you still have problems... why not pay a visit to the Museum of Broken Relationships in Croatia? (Yes, it does exist!)

Tired of living a stable, stress-free life? INTRODUCING:

Heartbreak!

To order heartbreak, call

1-800-SHAKESPEARE Phone number not seven digits? Well, I’m afraid life isn’t seven digits!

Written and Illustrated by Matt Young

The World According to Katie Anderson

Yahoolstiltskin

Written by Spencer Bolletieri

sometimes discovered the hard way that in microscopic lettering, hidden between the lines remember when my sister and and out of the normal range of human senses, I used to be home sick, suffering from was a tiny disclaimer reading “experiences may fever, colds and embarrassing illnesses vary.” that often required use of the phrase Nobody knew this better than Nathan “down under” (and no we’re not talking Noctillio, a small boy with big youthful eyes, about kookaburra pox or the kangaroo long thin digits, strengthened from poking flu). and probing the world around him and a brain Grandpa would always come to make us bigger than a breadbox from all the knowledge feel better. Telling us tales of alien princesses, it acquired through pure scientific curiosity. far off lands and the fairies of morning wood Like Shrimperella, he too had his own before shuffling off to bingo to feign disability dreams of becoming a biologist. But not unlike and make more uncomfortable advances Shrimperella he too met with difficulties which towards the nurses. came in the form of a curse. However, despite how fantastical and For as long as he could remember, strange his stories were, I always felt there he had difficulties in chemistry, unable to was always an element of truth to his fables. calculate numbers correctly or mix chemicals And like “Shrimperella”, I can’t help but feel without them turning violent. the story of Yahoolstilskin was a painfully While it was true he was stupid, it wasn’t true tale of what took place on the campus of because he couldn’t do math. It was because he New Willowbrook Asylum for the Criminally made a deal with a vile, vomitus, villain known Insane (later renamed “The College of Staten as Yahoolstiltskin. Island”) once upon a time. Cursed when he was young by a scorned As with all fairy tales, our story begins witch, naturally he did everything he could to once upon a time in a land far, far away, seek assistance with his chemistry classes. He specifically in the academic kingdom of CSI. sought his professor’s counsel after class only to Founded by the exiles of Princeton, be directed to a confusing overpriced textbook Stonybrook and other kingdoms that didn’t of forgotten lore, various useless websites he quite work out for students, the college had to pay a mint for and irrelevant homework promised a helpful staff of professors and a one assignments that were too numerous to of a kind college experience. complete within the allotted time. However, the exiles who studied there

Yahoolstiltskin

He requested the aid of the schools many offices only to be told that despite having made it through a maze of bureaucratic red tape, they had no private tutors to help him, forcing him to turn to the school’s civil servants. Dry, soulless people, with a “please kill me” gaze and the charm of a drunken makeout session with a dementor. And while he tried to seek their help and gain their wisdom, with a line that extended to the Sargasso Sea and progress so slow it made the bills in Congress seem fast, at the end of the day it was all hopeless. As his daily quizzes piled up, stained with enough red marks to make it seem like Bozo’s bed sheets, he cursed the gods and questioned why he was given the ability to excel in Biology (often averaging an “A”) and was cursed to endure hopeless math-based classes in order to achieve his dreams. Crying on his desk, one night, a creepy little man appeared on his desktop screen. Dressed with enough black leather and eye makeup to make David Bowie jealous and armed with a naughty grin, while he was originally dismissed as another advertisement for Freaky Charms (a notorious site for those with a leprechaun fetish), it was when he refused to go away and began talking to Nathan, that he realized that the demonic dwarf was very real. “You cry because the gods dealt you a bad hand,” he said to him from behind the electronic looking glass. “You get little help from the school and that homework pile can now eclipse you, threatening to drown you alive. Well, my friend, I’m the ace up your sleeve.” Gazing at the funny little man, Nathan listened with interest and curiosity. “For a small price, I can do your homework, answer your questions, and help level the playing field a bit… and while I admit mediocrity may not look good at first, it’s

enough to make your worries disappear and to move you that much closer to your dreams, what do you say?” the man questioned. “Never trust an online ad,” Grandpa then used to warn. “Not unlike that rectal thermometer, they always come back to stick you in the ass.” Out of options and almost out of time to complete his assignments, he shook the little man’s hand and the deal was struck. While he couldn’t complete his daily quizzes or understand a word his professor was saying (with an accent so thick it made Inspector Clouseau sound like Morgan Freeman), the homework he was assigned looked good and kept him from getting a “F”… that is until it came time for the final. Being handed the test, his mind was not unlike Al Gore’s wet dreams, a dry barren wasteland full of hot air, littered with meaningless facts and statistics. He had learned nothing from the little man, the textbook or any of the people he consulted. He chewed his pen anxiously; he even checked the questions praying he read them wrong and constantly pinched his own legs in an attempt to wake up from this nightmare. But when it was all said and done and his grades were sent to his e-mail, poor Nathan was horrified to find he had failed the class and that the little man was waiting for him. “Are you ready to pay the piper?” he asked with a twisted grin and a sing-songy voice. “What do you mean? I failed! You promised me a “’C’!” Nathan protested. “I promised I’d do your homework and level the playing field, I never promised you’d pass!” he laughed. “Now I will come for your soul in three days! Say goodbye to your loved ones and be sure to dress lightly, because it’s pretty warm where we’re going!” he continued. Nervously, Nathan asked “Is there anything I can do to redeem myself and get out of this flea-bitten bargain?”

Yahoolstiltskin

With a sigh, the little man pointed to another popup. “In accordance to the treaty of Faust, you have the next few days to guess my name. If you can do so, you’re free… if not you’re mine. I will return tomorrow at midnight for your first chance,” and then scattering into a mess of pixels, the man disappeared. The next day, Nathan wrote a list of every name he could think of and met the man at the agreed time. “Is your name, Edward?” he asked. “Nope,” the man responded. “Is your name Matt?” “Nope,” the creature smiled. This exchange went on long into the night and far into the next night as well, until the final day was approaching. “This…” Grandpa then used to interrupt “…is where our plot thickens.” Nathan must have read every book in the CSI library; he searched every last corner of Google Scholar and exhausted every last resource, when suddenly an older man peeked over his shoulder. “Demons, bad fairies and evil spirits?” he asked looking through his notes. “I’ve had that same problem last semester… you wouldn’t happen to find one on your computer would you?” he asked. Nathan nodded. “He wants you to guess his name, doesn’t he?” the man continued. Nathan nodded again. Then, reaching into the dark confines of his pockets, he produced a wadded up piece of parchment. “This here is the answer to the same question he gave me last year, may it serve you well,” the man said before disappearing and leaving Nathan to confront the evil creature. “This is your last chance,” the little man hissed. “Now tell me my name,” he chuckled. Revealing the paper, Nathan asked with a smirk. “Is your name Hobblefoot?” he asked. “Nooo…” the critter sang. “Is your name John Stamos?” Nathan asked. “Last try,” the

computerized demon stated. “Is your name Yahoolstiltskin?” Nathan asked reading off the highlighted name off his notes. “That can’t be, it couldn’t be! Who told you?” Yahoolstiltskin screamed out in agony and then stomped so hard, he split himself in two and in the process released Nathan from his contract. Since then, Nathan found his grades in Chemistry didn’t matter when eclipsed by his other accomplishments and that sometimes passing a class means learning from your mistakes and seeking help from your peers. But above all else he learned if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. At the end of the day, I never could tell whether Grandpa’s stories really happened, or they were simply the product of his wild imagination supplemented by his meds. Regardless, there were always words of wisdom to be found. Shrimperella had themes of forgiveness and that you can’t keep a good scientist down. “Frogenstein: the Musical” taught us that one should have respect for all life and just how precious it is and the “The Secret of NIMBY” taught us that hypocrisy exists even in those of us who seem the most noble. Above all else, Grandpa always told us that laughter was precious and wisdom invaluable; and as I type this sick in bed, I realize that he was right in that respect. As I close this chapter and feel Grandpa’s pale pink lips pressed atop my forehead, I encourage you all to carry these stories with you and to tell a few of your own, just as Grandpa did… with all the showmanship and enthusiasm a man his age could display. Make them laugh, make them cry and make them shriek “look out behind you!” And if you did your job right, you’ll always have an audience and cherished memories that will far outlive you.

Rejected O3LD Mascots: The Continuation

reJecTed o3Ld MascoTs: The conTinuaTion WriTTen & iLLusTraTed By Matt Young Featured are some concepts that never quite made the cut for O3LD’s definitive mascot. Dick Doodles

Dick Doodles is famous for shoving bizarre objects up his gastrointestinal tract. But more importantly, he is a man who takes his ass seriously, no ifs, ands or butts. So seriously, in fact, that utilizes ass chairs for his ass care and gluteal satisfaction. He truly loves his anal. Someday, Dick wants to shove the entire universe up his ass- primarily because he wants to be extremely meta and self-referential. What a hipster! Dick was rejected, because he is a dick, and frankly, he can also be a bit of a pain in the ass.

Rocks Omega Titanium Bull 9000

Rocks Omega Titanium Bull is exactly what the title suggests- a bull that doesn’t take any bullshit. His hobbies include ramming into brick walls, pillaging villages and sipping tea with some goat blood- withholding the tea, of course. This hairy punk is totally slated for crashville. The bull was rejected because he’s over 9000, and his name explicitly states that he must be exactly 9000.

Nightmare Raid Fuel

This is the ominous jerk- the unrighteous tormenter that produces all your wicked bad dreams and nightmares. He receives his highs off of chaos and disorder. There exists a myth that states that Nightmare Raid Fuel was created by the College of Staten Island’s bureaucratic system. Unfathomably evil stuff indeed!! Nightmare Raid Fuel was rejected because he is nightmare raid fuel.

Rejected O3LD Mascots: The Continuation

Dat Rattlesnake

This is the solid snake, the snide scaly slime ball that loves to slither his way into messy mischief. He sure digs making quite the rattle! He also digs digging. Dat Rattlesnake was rejected because he ain’t all dat.

Operation Three-Legged Dragon

The fire breathing mythical menace himself- the Three-Legged Dragon! He was considered because dragons are totally groovy. Dragons always make everything better. This winged force cannot be slain so easily! The Three-Legged Dragon was rejected because... wait, why the heck was the Three-Legged Dragon rejected? He’s freaking badass! I ought to zonk someone for that one.

The Three-Breasted Woman

The three-breasted woman was already censored once before because she was deemed inappropriate to students (and pretty much anyone, for that matter). She’s still totally awesome regardless. I would honestly love to take the threebreasted woman out for a nice meal and a lovely stroll in the park. Forget everything else that might occupy your tainted primitive minds. Still, the FCC keep hold of their unrelenting censorship. Sure, we can show all the violence we want, but heaven forbid someone were to have a slightly revealing hole in their underwear.

The World According to Katie Anderson

Rank My Professor

Written by Spencer Bolletieri Illustrated by Ed Peppe For as long as there exists higher education, there’s always going to be a few quirky professors out of the bunch. Leave it to the students that have them to share their unique experiences llike it is... Name: Professor Fuzzy Furman Course: Remedial Health Section: 0063 Description of Course: When I grew up, we had strangers in animal costumes teach us about everything from gun safety, to hygiene to politics. They made learning fun and simple with games, activities and songs. And I guarantee you by the time you’re done with my class, you’ll grasp the basics of health, sex ed and everything you should’ve learned in jr. high or in dirty jokes. xxGreenJeansxx writes: We were given a Highlights-style activity called “what’s wrong with this picture” and I can tell you now when it involves two anthros and things that may or may not be legal between 2 consenting adults, the answer is EVERYTHING!!!! Overall Score: -1/10 Mr_Plum writes: This guy is the creepiest thing in a fursuit since the cast of Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 Overall score: …/10 FuriousGeorge95 writes: This guy shouldn’t preach about the dangers of drugs, because I’m pretty sure this class or half its DARE-inspired material would exist without it. How else would you expect an anthropomorphic eagle, a rapping Mr. T and the angel-ghost of Bruce Lee to deliver an anti-drug message? Overall score: 5/10

Rank My Professor

Name: Professor Snagglepuss Course: LGBT Lit. Section: 1234 Description of Course: Heavens to murgatroid! Heavens to Betsy! Heavens to George Washington even! As a LGBT cartoon stereotype who had more sexuality issues than a volume of Out Magazine I finally learned to love myself, to roar proudly and accept who I am. And now I’m teaching my very own class and while I may be a dandy lion, I certainly ain’t lyin’ when I say I’m a tough taskmaster. You can expect to hit the books, expand your craniums and learn about the truth forsooth. GreenRangerSmith writes: This guy has a good thing going on, he makes his memoir (Out of the Closet, Exit Stage Left!) required reading and profits from the sales at the bookstore. But I admit, certainly one of the easier classes I’ve taken. Overall Score: 8/10 =WallyGator= writes: If there was any more hot air coming from this guy, Al Gore would be crying crocodile tears. Overall score 5/10 YoYogi writes: Hey, hey, hey! What can I say? This class is gay, but in a good way! Overall score 11/10 Name: Professor Valerie Frizzle Course: Independent Study (Education) Section: 1994 Description of Course: It’s time to take chances, make mistakes and get messy. As my personal teaching assistant, you will be responsible for the lives of a class of elementary school students, both literally and figuratively. And not only will you receive the credits you need to graduate with honors, but you’ll be wild ride certified with the department of Wahoo! CritterSitter writes: I learned perhaps taking children back in time to mankind’s origin to learn about evolution may not be the best idea. Kids are carriers of disease, their sticky hands have to touch everything and the chubby ones are popular targets for sabertooth cats. But I did learn an invaluable lesson when we accidently changed the past…there’s a reason this planet went to the apes. Overall Score: 8/10 Hey_Arnold writes: One of the children asked Professor Frizzle where babies come from…I knew I should’ve stayed home today! Overall score: *groan*/10 DA4U writes: Today Professor Frizzle taught me how to reanimate the dead and I learned the hard way that perhaps there are just some questions we shouldn’t answer. Overall score: …/10

Top 15 Rejected Comic Ideas

ToP 15 reJecTed coMic ideas WriTTen By Nick Tronolone iLLusTraTed By Andrew Battaglia

Hi, I’m Nick Tronolone and over past years we have gotten some odd comic ideas. Some are funny and others boring and some are just really, really bad, Like We can’t show you bad. So, I’m going to list the best of the only Godknows-what to call some of these.

15: “Papa Smurf Gets a Colonoscopy”

This was about Papa Smurf being scared about colon cancer after he sees red in his poop. In the end it was a Smurf berry that was not digested.

14: “Hitler vs. Saddam Hussein”

This was intended to be a parody (YES a parody) of Freddy vs. Jason. It had some weird shit in it. It had a gay unicorn named Farts. Need I say more?

13: “Attack of the Killer Tits”

This was written as a comedic PSA on breast cancer. The hero: a naked female doctor with breasts that had them removed after a battle with breast cancer but still totally naked. Yep… I would also like to add that it was written that she is naked so people can easily see that she is a woman. Because, you know, Why the f%#@ not? You may think that this is a fucked up joke, it is not. The author believed that this comic would encourage women to get breast checkups. Here is the kicker; it mentioned nothing of getting breast checkups. This is too stupid to make up. We sent the author to a class on how to write a PSA. I will tell you now that said author has yet pass that class… after six tries.

Top 15 Rejected Comic Ideas

12: “Johnny the Mailman”

This is also a PSA comic that tried to be comedic about AIDS. AND who had the AIDS? Johnny? No, he was just the guy who gives advice about protecting yourself from getting it. But who had the AIDS? Why, none other than the mail itself…no I don’t why the writer felt the need to have the mail have AIDS and I don’t want the answer… nor do you.

11: “Jimmy the Sex-ED Genie Teaches a Second Grade in Catholic School” This was about a genie that is a certified sex education teacher appearing in front a second grade class in a catholic school. It only focused on the children’s reaction for twelve panels filled with butt stuff, explanations of how babies are made, how sperm and egg cells work, and ambiguous B.D.S.M. Best of all it was written by yours truly.

10: “Parasite Porn”

This little piece of hentai with pestilence was meant to be educational and make people interested in microbiology. What this comic did do was send many of us to therapy. If you had the chance to have read this one, we meet in building 1L in the advisement area every Friday at 12AM.

9: “I Was a Teenage Cheese Poof ”

This homage to old zombie movies started out as a goofy piece. It was fun to read at the second page it was just Romeo and Juliet with zombie cheese. I voted against it because I hate; with every ounce of my being; the play Romeo and Juliet. Plus, Zombie cheese? Really?

8: “Gandhi Has an Eating Disorder”

Here is some history for you: Gandhi went on a three week hunger strike when the English where still in India. This was poking fun at that as it showed Gandhi having binge eating disorder. I am one for f&^%$ed up humor but this wasn’t funny. It was sad…like I will never find true love sad.

Top 15 Rejected Comic Ideas

7: “Timmy the Horny Dragon”

It was about a dragon the humps everything that looked like lady parts.

6: “Billy Cosby…” oh God…

…Bill Cosby and family preform the Aristocrats Joke”. If you need to ask what that joke is than you shouldn’t know.

5: “Grant the Fox in: The Beating of the Bladder” .cinori eb ot siht ekil noitpircsed eht gnitirw ma I .esrever ni detneserp eb ot dednetni saw cimoc eht nosaer revetahw rof dna reddalb evitca revo a sah tnarG .hctam gnixob a pu gnittes tuoba gniteem a ni si ohw xof a tuoba si eno sihT

4: “Cartoon TMZ” This lovely piece is about some of our favorite childhood toons doing some really messed up things and it being caught by the crew of TMZ. Why was it not pushed through? There are some things not even we at O3LD do not find funny. On a totally unrelated note, I can no longer watch Dexter’s Laboratory the same way anymore.

3: “Twerking With What You Got” The title is just a dead giveaway on what this, for a lack of a better term, comic is about. A play on the phrase “working with what you got” it is a about a sub-urban woman who is trying to make it in the world as a comedian. How did she do it? By using her, and I quote “BIG booty-lisous butt” to tell the jokes by twerking. It was just a little wrong on many levels mainly that the woman was 16 YEARS OLD! I made my point.

Top 15 Rejected Comic Ideas

2: “Tommy Toaster the Hipster” I am not sure how to describe this so I’ll just list a few things off. Vegan Toaster, Water Heater music (Because it’s in the basement…as in underground.), Deep fryer named Mainstream, and Angry Bacon. No plot just these things somehow having a conversation.

And now, before number one… here are some honorable mentions: “Jeremy gets a Hysterectomy” This is about as titled. “The ‘Horney’ Student” Please refer to # 7. Same writer. “Jackass with a Tuba” This one is laughably bad. You are laughing because of how bad it is. It’ so bad it’s good. It is a about a Donkey named Ass-hole McFucker that plays the tuba all throughout finals week. It was poorly written but it is still funny.

AND OUR NUMBER ONE REJECTED COMIC IS... 1: “SORE TOE GOOD GUY” This piece of error grammars and splleing problems is just god awful. It is about a kid who is lying on the floor in his house when his mom… you know what?

F$%@ IT! I QUIT! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

A Self Tale In the Life of a Puppet Master

a seLf TaLe in The Life of a PuPPeT MasTer WriTTen & iLLusTraTed By Matt Young

What lies in the depths of their inner consciousness? I am the producer of their very he name’s Jay from Hudson, being, so in a sense I’m the almighty to them. New York. I am a puppet artist- which Fourty-two years old... living with my means I paint puppets. I ignore all the cat, who happens to also be my best friend. “dummies” who don’t believe me. Nuthin’ wrong with that. Heck, I bet my cat’s The gig’s pretty freaking groovy, actually. way more sweet than a lot of wives around Puppets vary in all shapes, colors, and sizes. here. No joke there! I could make a phallus joke there, but I’m a Today’s a pretty lazy Sunday, so I woke rather tasteful type of person. A cheese and up at 11:11. Make a wish, right? I wish for... wine kinda guy. world peace… or maybe I’ll settle for an I often glance at my colorful creations endless supply of beans. I love me some quality and a try to wonder what they’re thinking. tacos with some of them gnarly peppers.

A Self Tale In the Life of a Puppet Master

Took a walk ‘round these parts to save myself some bus fare and get some long overdue sun beams. Started to rain a bit, tis a shame my umbrella’s half broken. The ol’ tummy started growling something fierce, so I went to the organic food store to try to change up my dietary habits. I sorted through the ginger spices and naturopathic medicine to settle for some blueberry jam. Jammy junk jives with me. Health stores have cool stuff, but why do these places always seem so complicated? Anyway, one would only assume the jam would be completely beneficial for you, but then I found out it contains 35% fructose. What gives with that crap? This crazy world, I’m tellin’ ya! It has been a long day, as far as l was concerned. I was ready for some valuable snooze time. But I awoke from my nap only to feel a string on my left arm. This wasn’t quite

right… why was there a string tethered to my left arm? And my right one… even my legs! Was I really a puppet, the very thing I spent my life creating? Are we all really puppets of a grander being? Is there a “Master of Puppets” out there? Who painted my soul… my existence? Maybe those strings are only metaphorical strings… that were never truly there to begin with. Or maybe they are the strings that tie together our hearts, the strings that conjure harmonies like the strum of a guitar. Perhaps I’ve simply had one too many! Yeah, that’s gotta be it... Everybody’s got a story to tell. Whether we are the puppet or the puppet master, we are all experiencing this crazy little world together. Sometimes I wonder about every animal, every plant and every speck of sand; I’m curious if it’s all a part of it’s own type of play, some grander scheme, with us as the creations!

The World According to Katie Anderson

Adopt a Monkey in a Barrel

adoPT a Monkey in a BarreL WriTTen By Nick Tronolone iLLusTraTed By Andrew Battaglia

Hi, I’m Sarah McLachlan, and today I’m going to tell you something that in a common problem yet not many people know about. We all loved the game “Barrel Full of Monkeys”. There are 15 monkeys in a barrel. And sure, these monkeys look happy but on the inside they are sad. And yet they must take this horrible job to pay for their bills. Let’s just look at some of the monkeys in a barrel.

This is Jimmy... he is possibly retarded.

Meet Phil. He has multiple personalities that think that they are poodles named George.

This is Tommy, he has PTSD because of something that never happened to him.

Adopt a Monkey in a Barrel

Meet is Greg, he’s allergic to everything. He needs to eat hypoallergenic food and drink hypoallergenic water and needs to take hypoallergenic allergy medicine for his allergies.

This is Bobby. He has Banana-phobia.

This is Alyssa… she is sexually disturbed and has 35 of all known fetishes.

Meet Mitch… he’s scared of what Alyssa might just do to him.

Adopt a Monkey in a Barrel

This is Bart and he has a butt for a face and when he speaks it comes out a fart.

Meet Frank. He’s a chronic masturbator.

This is Jim Bo… he’s an alcoholic.

Meet Jessica, she was a female body builder and now because of extreme steroid use she now has testicular cancer.

Adopt a Monkey in a Barrel

This is Courtney. She has schizophrenia and has intense debates with the voices in her head

This is little Timmy, he was born without a body and can’t breathe or eat or drink or pee or crap and quite frankly we have no idea how he’s even alive.

Meet Winston Michael Banks the Third… he has a severe fear of a Barrel full of monkeys.

So, please... donate what you can to help support these poor creatures get the medical care they need, the therapy they deserve, and my botox injections. Have a beautiful day.

The World According to Katie Anderson

Office of Student Accessibility Recognizes Werewolf Students

office of sTudenT accessiBiLiTy recognizes WereWoLf sTudenTs WriTTen By Spencer Bolleteri iLLusTraTed By Anna Sirota

tudents attending CSI probably remember well the protest that NYPIRG that took place outside the office of student accessibility last April, where hundreds of angry students rallied and gathered outside their door demanding that the office recognize and assist those afflicted with lycanthropy. For those not familiar with the term, lycanthropy is the politically correct name for “werewolfism” and is a condition that afflicts less than 5% of Staten Island’s population mostly centered around Tottenville and Westerly.

Usually contracted from a bite and the exchange of bodily fluids in “wolf form”, every full moon they are forced to shift into a creature not unlike your typical teenage boy going through puberty in which they become hairy, poorly groomed and dedicate a large portion of their thought processes towards the things that matter most to them, eating and mating. Unable to control their actions and known to have a high mortality rate, it seems these poor creatures live in a world where everything is a danger to them, if not the local werewolf hunters or the local chapter of furries seeking some tail, then it’s their own bodies and demanding stress the transformation puts on their bodies each month.

Office of Student Accessibility Recognizes Werewolf Students

“It’s about time!” says NYPIRG member Selena Sitwell. “These wolves are hungry for equality!” commented Lionel Lupin. In an interview earlier this week, head of the office of student accessibility, Colleen Collins had this to say: “It’s an injustice that their howls have gone unheard for so long and we’re currently working to rectify the situation.” Meeting with local lycanthropes and NYPIRG, the office of health and wellness sought to outline new policies and rectifications to the campus as to make lycans more comfortable and to cater to their special needs. One such policy is open public urination to cater to the lycan’s need to mark their territory and to socialize with other lycans. “That smell in the air is acceptance!” said one lycan student. Also, plans were revealed for new lycan friendly dorms equipped with bondage mechanisms and cages gratuitously donated by Ducky’s S&M Dungeon for lycans to restrain themselves during the full moon as well as panels to promote werewolf acceptance and a new “Lycan Studies Major” which examines the depiction of werewolves over the ages. And as usual, the office of health and wellness’ answer to lycan acceptance was more condoms as well as free counselling services to both lycans and the ghosts of their mauled victims. “A new moon is rising and this is just the beginning of an entirely new era” says Collins. However as to be expected not all are happy with the changes to the school’s new attitude towards lycans as counter protests

are being launched. One of the most notable comes from the “Smoke a Pack a Day” campaign which demands the use of deadly force by security against lycans. And even other lycans say that drawing attention to their condition is not only embarrassing, but dangerous. “Do you know what it’s like being stalked by “Team Jacob?”” questioned one lycan student. But as to be expected, the strongest voice of protest comes from people who have nothing better to do the vegans. Often known for promoting their “natural diet” (which somehow still seems in violation of man’s natural evolutionary nutritional needs), they complain that 1C’s always accessible “carnivore menu” consisting of live game and raw meat to satisfy the high demand for flesh in a lycan’s diet infringes on their right to shove “Meatless Monday” down other people’s throat. “Overall we feel this campus has more than enough animals on it and not all of them shift into a bloodthirsty wolf ” said Professor Silas Grey, a recently outed lycanthrope. “All we want is tolerance and recognition of our struggle” he continued. “It’s one of the reasons why I suggested the gray graduation, a recognition of struggling lycans who had to overcome the dangers and difficulties of being a werewolf while maintaining their grades” he concluded. For more information and to see if you apply for any of these new services, please contact Professor Grey at his e-mail (“fur chasers” need not apply). And be sure to attend his Wolfing Out panel next Thursday during club hours.

The World According to Katie Anderson

Pokémon Rap Battles

PokeMon raP BaTTLes WriTTen By Spencer Bolleteri iLLusTraTed By Ed Peppe

robably as old as the art of Pokémon training itself, since its humble origins, battling Pokémon has been a way for trainers to socialize, defend themselves from thieves and of course strengthen the Pokémon they had captured. But as you can imagine, Pokémon battling is not for everyone, requiring wisdom, dedication and common sense, the road to the indigo plateau is one paved with tears as plenty of trainers find out the hard way that battling may not be the best career choice for them. In response to this, over the years trainers have tried to discover new aspects to Pokémon

training. Most of these include dressing Pokémon in costumes or generally humiliating them for the amusement of a panel of judges with nothing better to do. But with Pokémon contests slowly fading and Pokémon musicals literally bringing down the house (it’s probably not a good idea to dress Yvetal up in a pink beret), some trainers in Kanto have turned to a new form of training which they’re calling “Pokémon rap battles.” Having drawn the short straw in the assigning of articles, I was personally asked to attend one of these battles and see how trainers are overcompensating for their lack of strategy. Sometime last week I was invited to an old Silph Co. warehouse hidden somewhere in the heart of Saffron City.

Pokémon Rap Battles

The air was heavy with the scent of smoke, the seats mostly empty and in the center was what appeared to be a small battlefield, not unlike those found in your typical Pokémon battle. Gazing down and into the center, waiting for the battle to begin, I couldn’t help but wonder what form this show of “skill” would take. After all while it’s not unheard of for some Pokémon to talk and even sing, for 90% of captured Pokémon, most of their vocabulary involves the repeating of their name. And besides I figured there weren’t a lot of words that rhymed with teddiursa. I wasn’t waiting long when suddenly the lights went dark, the crowd was silenced and nothing was heard besides the sound of comically oversized chains that rattled and clanged around the neck of MC Muk, a large, ungroomed man who reeked of more than just failure and who looked paler than the great Arceus. Walking into the center of the battlefield, he welcomed the crowd to the “hizzouse” and introduced spectators to the first two combatants of the night. The first was “Lil’ Joey” who looked like the boy puberty forgot and the second was“ Puff Diddy,” a rapper of advancing wrinkles who looked more like a deflated balloon than an actual human being. As I watched with morbid curiosity, the two stood face to face, with pokeballs in hand, whilst in the background two beatboxing chatots laid down a baseline and initiated the start of the battle. The house erupted with applause as two beams of light took the forms of a trubbish and sunkern. In an odd twist, it turned out that neither Pokémon would be rapping. In fact

the whole thing consisted of their trainers exchanging insults in songs so lackluster, they made the styles of Kazzaam sound original. And if I recall correctly over the course of the entire night, I don’t think I saw any Pokémon do anything except look confused and embarrassed. First up was Joey and his trubbish. Taking a moment to find the beat, he made the first move against “Puff Diddy” spouting these lyrics: “Yo this is trubby, hell kick your grass; Wrap it up and throw it in the trash; Turn around now and pull up your pants! This battle’s over old man, you never had a chance!” Then as if on cue, Puff rose to the occasion, unlike his Pokémon who seemed to be facepalming in the corner and occasionally gnawing on the accessories his trainer outfitted him with: “Sunkern’s out and he don’t care; He’ll HM01 that bitch and toss her in the air; We be pimpin’, y’all know the deal; Patrollin’ da hood, keepin’ things real!” As the winner was decided amongst the judges, they introduced our next two combatants “Jam Master James,” a purple haired man who seemed to have more gender issues than a subscription to Oprah magazine and “B-Unit,” a man who had all the style, charm and awkwardness of Jeff Goldblum.

Pokémon Rap Battles

Tuning out for a moment or so I couldn’t

Overall for better or worse, to be

help but wonder on what realm of existence

believed or disbelieved, the events I observed

any of this would be considered likeable.

do seem to reflect a growing trend amongst

Because despite everything witnessed so far, people were actually cheering, clapping and shouting such zingers like “Yo boy, you need some burn heal!” It took me a while as I sat through battle

trainers who lack the strategy and skill to actually battle one another. And while I acknowledge not everyone can be a Pokémon master (especially if you have a last name like Ketchum), I do

after battle, racking my brain to understand

believe that Pokémon deserve better than to

what I was looking at and resisting the urge to

be exposed to this abomination of modern

shout out “YOU DO NOT CLAP FOR THIS!”

culture.

But after a good 10 minutes or so, I

And while many will argue it’s a

finally realized that smell I initially dismissed

cultural thing or a way to express their own

as dust was indeed something a lot less

shortcomings, famed Pokémon researcher

innocent.

Professor Samuel Oak had this to say:

Scanning the back rows, I realized that

“Embarrassing Pokémon can have negative

a small Pokémon had been scuttling across the

effects on their development and mentality.

floor and passed from person to person as they

Furthermore it can cause Pokémon to doubt

each took a whiff from the fungi growing off its their own powers and the general stability of back.

their trainers.” It was a Paras, a Pokémon whose spores

To this day it’s still unknown how

were notorious for causing hallucinations.

popular it is or how far it reaches (rumors have

Unable to help myself and bare another

it placed as far as Sinoh), but either way as a

moment of this “music,” I took a whiff and

journalist and Pokémon person, I beg of you

inhaled some spores.

to consider your pocket monster’s health and

It was at this point the rest of my night became sketchy… literally on my notes I had taken were nothing but sketches of pop artist

wellbeing before you decide to subject them to Pokémon rap battles. Because while battle damage can be

Imakuni and the lyrics to the Pichu brothers

healed within seconds at the local Pokémon

theme song.

center, mental scars can be everlasting.

To the people who helped this magazine grow... who were passionate about making it the best it could be in the years that it made this campus laugh... it was a hell of a ride.