O&AN January 2012

JAN 2012

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VOLUME 11 I ISSUE 1

e u s is s i h t n I

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Tenn lesbi essee's an ga the m couples y & expr any m eanin ess the w gs of ord " fami ly"

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Lisa Howe & Wendy Holleman

by FREYA POTEMPA, CONTRIBUTING WRITER fpotempa@outandaboutnewspaper.com

It’s been more than one year since Lisa Howe and her partner, Wendy Holleman, made national news for being gay and having a child. If you somehow missed the headlines, here’s a quick recap. Howe was Belmont University’s head women’s soccer coach. Howe wanted to tell her team about her and Wendy’s pregnancy (Wendy carried the baby), the Baptist school refused to give her permission; Howe told her team anyway. A maelstrom followed, with Howe no longer at Belmont and a “mutual agreement” reached that neither party will discuss.

Fast forward one year later in the Howe and Holleman home in East Nashville, where baby toys decorate the living room. Lisa and Wendy look happy, if a little frazzled from the life of being new moms. Their five-month-old daughter, Hope, sleeps upstairs.

Lisa’s currently staying at home with Hope while Wendy continues to coach and teach at University School of Nashville (USN). Wendy says she originally planned to take a year off while Lisa coached, so the Belmont fiasco actually, “turned out to be a blessing in disguise that [Lisa] gets this opportunity to bond with Hope.”

Lisa says motherhood is a little like coaching: “It’s going better than I expected. I certainly didn’t know I could fall in love so easily and so quickly.”

Of the national headlines, Lisa and Wendy both say they’re still shocked.

“The unintended consequences changed my life,” Lisa says. “That it did happen, I wouldn’t call it an obligation or opportunity, but now I do have a platform to inform people about equality and our rights.

Especially now that we have a family, I am even more passionate about standing up for our rights.”

“I relive it a lot,” Lisa says. “I did what I needed to do. I was a successful coach with a good competitive and academic record. I thought it would be fine to do what I needed to do.”

Lisa says it’s difficult to find her life without soccer.

Even through the homophobia she faced as a woman in sports, she says it was worth it to coach.

“I was so used to the homophobia and I was accustomed to the sexism,” Lisa says. “I grew up in that job. It’s the only job I’ve had as an adult, but I loved

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coaching athletics, so I turned a blind eye toward the homophobia and some of the obstacles. If I continued to coach, I’d have to continue to turn a blind eye to it. You lose a part of yourself when you’re hiding everyday just to make it in your career. For some people, having to hide can become paralyzing.”

For all the negativity Howe received from Belmont, the opposite was true for Holleman. “I wasn’t ‘out’ out, but I told my team at the end of October [2010] and got amazing support from all the families...

Parents would tell me ‘good job’ and some people gave us baby gifts. They’re so good to me there. If I wasn’t at USN, then I might be fighting every day, too.”

Howe still has contact with some friends from the athletic department, but she says the healthiest move for her “was to completely remove myself.” This is the first time in 18 years that Howe hasn’t been involved in soccer season.

What does the future hold for Lisa and Wendy?

Lisa is currently speaking at local universities.

“I’ve learned not to close any doors, but right now I’m not looking at coaching,” she says. “I’m starting my own business as a diversity consultant and strategic management. For sixteen years I’ve helped individuals and teams set high goals and then encouraged them to reach them. I can help people do that in many other environments.” Lisa’s business is called Howe About Consulting, and more information can be found at her website, www.HoweAboutLLC.com.

But for the moment, the couple are enjoying motherhood. “Watching Hope develop is like a watching a little miracle everyday. You hear people say that, and I’m like ‘Yeah. Whatever.’ But it is. Being with her everyday and being a part of the development and growth. I would have never said that about training a soccer team,” Lisa says.

“I really like watching Lisa and Hope. She’ll send me pictures throughout the day just spending time with her.” Wendy says of their current life.

And Hope’s future soccer career? “She’ll probably hate soccer, and I’m okay with that. If she’s not into it, bless her heart.” Lisa says, laughing.

“She’s going to have lots of exposure to it!” Wendy agrees.

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Out & About Newspaper strives to be a credible community news organization by engaging and educating our readers. All content of Out & About Newspaper is copyrighted 2008 by Out & About Nashville, Inc. and is protected by federal copyright law and shall not be reproduced without the written consent of the publisher. All photography is licensed stock imagery or has been supplied unless otherwise credited to a photographer and may not be reproduced without permission. The sexual orientation of advertisers, photographers, writers and cartoonists published herein is neither inferred nor implied. The appearance of names or pictorial representations does not necessarily indicate the sexual orientation of the person or persons.

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JANUARY 2012

Barry Noland & Brian Parker

An East Nashville couple express their worldview with their work

by BLAKE BOLDT, MANAGING EDITOR bboldt@outandaboutnewspaper.com

Partners for fourteen years, Barry Noland and Brian Parker are inspiring people with their individual contributions to the world of art.

Originally from Cairo, Ill., Noland has lived in Nashville since 1980. In 2003, he began pursuing photography as a hobby, and has since blossomed into a winning talent now receiving his first recognition on the national level.

After receiving a grant from the Tennessee Arts Commission, Noland recently participated in an international exhibition of photographic art at the Lyceum Theatre Gallery in San Diego’s historic Gaslamp Quarter. Being selected for the art show was a prestigious honor: entries were submitted by artists from nearly 70 countries.

Organizers contacted Noland after he was selected as a nominee for the Spider Awards, the photography world’s equivalent to the Academy Awards. But it’s community, not competition, that was foremost in his mind when he arrives in San Diego.

Noland’s entry focused on a tree located in East Nashville’s Shelby Park that was devoured by a swarm of bagworms. His photographs represent their attack on the tree and its eventual death.

“I look forward to interacting with other photographers that are really serious about their craft,” Noland says. “And even hearing something from people with the Art of Photography show about what it was about my piece that made it worthy to be in this crowd.”

“My main goal going forward is to make (photography) what I do,” he adds. “In addition to getting contacts while I’m out there and meeting people who are notable in the international art community, I hope this gives me some credibiltiy to be able to present myself locally.”

Parker, also an Illinois native, is the creator of Parker Designs, a set design and graphic design business. A two-time regional Emmy winner, he’s also judged several regional and national Emmy Award competitions.

Parker has produced several successful solo art shows in partnership with the Nashville Jazz Workshop -”Visceral” (2004), “Conundrum” (2006), “Jazz Tableaux” (2008), and “Cityscapes” (2010). “Cityscapes” served as his response to the Nashville flooding last year.

“That show was an accident,” Parker admits. After cleaning up minor damage to their East Nashville home, he went on a three-day drawing binge that resulted in an entire body of work.

“By the end of it, I thought, ‘There’s an art show in all this’,” Parker says. “It was a stream of consciousness; it was kind of therapy. I really just started doodling and when I looked at all the images, I realized that subliminally I was telling these

Partners Barry Noland and Brian Parker share their artistic passions in a variety of media including photography and graphic design. Photo provided.

weird, surreal stories (about the flood).”

Citing themselves as “fairly independent” people, both men acknowledge the other’s influence on their art. As the years have passed, they notice similarities in their respective creations.

“I’ve realized that Barry’s artwork deals with decay, but he makes it permanent with his photographs,” Parker says. “My artwork is obsessed with the temporary. I do a lot of floral arranging and things like that. I start to wonder if we are working out comfortable with the death, or if we’re trying to make peace with our own deaths.”

“There’s a theme of decay whether it’s in nature or in man-made things,” Noland adds. “It’s actually finding the beauty in things that go unnoticed.”

As they face unique challenges within their fields, the couple rely on their commitment to each other as they seek new avenues for their obvious gifts.

“I don’t know that we really influence each other’s art,” Parker says. “But when I complete something I’m always asking an opinion from Barry about what he thinks of it. With everything I make sure he at least takes a look at it.”

“It’s mainly about support,” Noland says.”I’m pretty much directed by outside influences. I don’t have a lot of historical perspective, and he gives me that. I think if he hadn’t encouraged me from the beginning, this wouldn’t have gotten to where it’s gotten.”

Barry Noland is available for head shots, model/performer portfolios, mag layouts, and media packages. More of his creations can be found at barrynoland. com. Brian Parker is versed in a variety of art forms, including illustration, painting, sculpting, floral arranging, and sand art. Part of his extensive portfolio is available at parkerdesigns.com.

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Erin Andrews & Danielle Buquoi

A soon-to-be married couple from Clarksville shares their love with 4-yearold son, Grayson

by BLAKE BOLDT, MANAGING EDITOR bboldt@outandaboutnewspaper.com

For same-sex couples, marriage puts the perfect stamp on an already wonderful relationship. So it goes for Erin Andrews and her partner Danielle Buquoi of Clarksville, who are celebrating their tenth anniversary by getting married in Provincetown, M.A. on July 26, 2012.

The couple, who have a 4-year-old son through an open adoption, agreed on a small, intimate ceremony for close friends Grayson, Erin Andrews & Danielle Buquoi. Photo submitted. and family.

Why make a significant change at this stage in their relationship? “Love. For now, it’s symbolic but hopefully one day soon it will come with protection in the state of Tennessee.”

Both women are part-time students at Austin Peay University, so balancing their schedules can be a difficult task. Erin stresses the fact that her family leads a normal life full of laundry and laughter, toys and tears.

“As much as we are not a ‘traditional’ family, we really are in so many ways,” Erin says. “We worry about paying our bills, pray that our son is safe and healthy, and every evening have the ‘What do you want for dinner?’ conversation that most couples have.”

Their son was foremost in their minds when they chose to take that pivotal step.

“It’s also important to us for Grayson to be able to say his parents are married and to see us make a formal commitment to each other,” Erin says. “We didn’t always want to get married, but once Grayson came along we started to entertain the thought. We wanted to wait until he was old enough to understand what we were doing and to remember being a part of the ceremony.”

Despite their confidence in the decision, they do express concerns for Grayson’s future.

“We do worry that we will never be able to provide him information about his biological father. We worry that as he enters school in the next year he will experience teasing from other students at school about having two mommies,” Erin admits. “We have had a couple of instances of people discriminating against our son because of us.”

In one particular case, the family experienced resistance when trying to find playmates for Grayson. A married couple with two young sons abandoned their plans when they discovered that Erin and Danielle were partners.

Still, with a little luck and a lot of hard work, the couple has risen above the challenges of being a lesbian couple in a largely conservative community. The caring spirit of loved ones continues to be their biggest support.

“Honestly, our biggest difficulty is the financial aspect of going out of town and having to work the timing around both of our college classes,” Erin says. “Pretty petty differences compared to what some people encounter with emotional negativity from people in their lives.

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JANUARY 2012

Joseph Gregory & Chuck Rapp

by BLAKE BOLDT, MANAGING EDITOR bboldt@outandaboutnewspaper.com

Joseph Gregory and Chuck Rapp, partners for 22 years, have formed a happy life together by pursuing separate interests while sharing a deep respect for each other’s abilities.

So what then are the keys to a healthy, long-term relationship?

“Honesty, communicating and we profess our love for each other everyday for the last 22 years. We balance each other,” says Joseph, an entrepreneur and president of Hope Diamond Collection, an organization that honors the famous family heirloom.

The couple, who met in the late Eighties shortly after Joseph graduated from Belmont University, faced the usual obstacles of a gay couple during Chuck Rapp & Joseph Gregory. Photo submitted. that challenging period. Though they acknowledge that Tennessee remains limited terms of GLBT rights, they also say that constant sources of inspiration have allowed to lead free and open lives.

Joseph admits that it is “hard being taken seriously in business and financial situations” at times, but that the majority of the people along their journey have been actively in their corner.

“Our true friends have been with us for many, many years,” Joseph says. “Some of my family is accepting and supportive and some are more distant. Chuck’s side is very small, but accepting for the most part. We have learned to be just who we are and to be known as individuals as well as a couple. Acceptance by everyone is not a necessity for us any longer.”

Chuck, an admissions coordinator at Cumberland Heights drug treatment center, appreciates that their neighbors and friends have fully embraced the two men as individuals and as a couple.

“We feel very blessed in our lives. We’ve been very fortunate to have a long history together. I guess we really didn’t have to hide,” he says. “With the people in our neighborhood, there’s never been any violence or prejudice towards us.”

Though both men have a fair share of professional responsibilities, they balance their schedules to find time for a sense of adventure and fun.

“I’ve been to great places around the world that I wouldn’t have gone on my own. It’s nice to share that experience with someone else,” Chuck says. “Joseph has encouraged me to explore and opened doors for me to try new things.”

To offer their energies towards important community efforts, the couple have consistently been involved in organizations such as Nashville CARES and the Tennessee State Museum. Through their work they hope to reverse the trend of discrimination in a more conservative society.

“I don’t feel it’s the right of the government to legislate morality. Telling people what they have to do is not right,” Chuck says.

“I encourage people to show their strengths, and if you have children, be an example,” Joseph adds. “You need to stand up for issues and speak out in order to make a difference.”

Callie & Michelle Wise Ryan & John Huber

by BLAKE BOLDT, MANAGING EDITOR bboldt@outandaboutnewspaper.com

Raising a happy, healthy child is a hefty responsibility for any couple, but Callie Wise and her partner Michelle have experienced a few extra hurdles in their quest to be the best parents they can.

The couple, who married in New York City on Aug. 3, 2011, have a fouryear-old daughter who was carried by Michelle. After her birth, Callie adopted her through second-parent adoption in Tennessee.

Callie, coordinator for the Tennessee Career Information Delivery System (TCIDS) program, says the couple contemplated all the options before choosing that route.

“When we first met almost 16 years ago, there weren’t any countries, much less states, where we could get married.” Wise says. “We decided that we wanted to have the full rights of marriage already when it finally becomes legal. While it doesn’t help us here in Tennessee, there is something reaffirming about being able to say that we’re married.”

The couple’s love for each other was never in question, but their new status presented its own set of problems. “(There) are questions we face every day,” Wise says. “Anytime we fill out a form and it asks for ‘family’ income, it becomes an area of major debate for us. ‘What is the right and legal thing to do’?”

Such formalities are rendered meaningless when the couple considered their daughter, who they hope will have a normal childhood.

“Gabrielle is growing up Callie & Michelle Wise. Photo submitted. around other kids talking about their moms and dads, and she’ll see people or hear about people getting married,” Callie explains. “She’ll be socialized to know that marriage is the step you take when you love and care about someone deeply and want to build a family. Living in and growing up in the South, she’ll have enough obstacles with two moms, we didn’t want to make it harder for her. We wanted her to feel confident in talking about her family.”

To ease their own concerns, the couple has been proactive in building a community of individuals who are in similar positions.

“We have (Gabrielle) in a daycare that has several other kids with LGBTQ parents and the daycare owner and workers are very open-minded and accepting. We make an effort to expose Gabrielle to other LGBTQ families. Michelle even started a local LGBTQ and allies family group called Nashville Rainbow Families so we can meet other families like our own.”

Callie acknowledges that while their home life is as loving and nurturing as possible, there are still plenty of community members who might frown upon her family’s makeup. Gabrielle’s age means she’s unaware that her situation is unique.

“She’s so innocent and cute in her assumption that it’s normal that she isn’t aware that it could be a problem,” Callie says. “On the other hand, we do worry about her “outing” us to the wrong person or people. How will those other people act? Will it be so angry and violent that it’ll scare or upset Gabrielle? Could she be at risk of getting hurt herself?” “ Before you have kids, it’s easy to ignore the importance of security when it’s just the two of you,” she adds. “However, when you bring a child into the mix, your whole perspective changes because everything becomes about what is important for your child.”

by JESSICA GIBSON, CONTRIBUTING WRITER jgibson@outandaboutnewspaper.com

Members of the Out & About Newspaper family were able to celebrate the recent nuptials of our webmaster Ryan Huber to his partner John. The wedding ceremony was held Oct. 8 at The Arts Club in Washington D.C. The Hubers first met in 2002 on the campus at the University of Mississippi, where Ryan was attending.

They have been together ever since.

Some highlights of their life together include: trips to Greece, Mexico, and various cities throughout the U.S. ;purchase of a home in 2008; adoption of their dogs Kaylee (a Shih Tsu / Pekingese) and River (Siberian Husky); as well as wonderful times with family and friends.

As they were growing up, both John and Ryan faced the very real prospect of never being able to marry who they truly loved.

“There was a time during my coming out process that I believed that I would have to forgo marrying the person I fell in love with since I knew that person would be a man,” John says.

“When I first started to realize that I was gay, I was deeply affected by the thought that I would never be able to get married,” Ryan adds. “I suppose I had imagined exactly how it would be John & Ryan Waller. Photo credit: Jamie Clayton. for so long. Over time, I shed these preconceived notions of the necessity of getting married, but when attending other weddings I couldn’t help but be reminded that this was something I really wanted.”

As Ryan and John continued their life together, the idea of marriage became more important.

“I think some might wonder why we would get married when everyone considers us lifelong partners already” Ryan muses. “We’re choosing to get married because people in our society know what ‘being married’ means. It connotes a level of commitment that is different than ‘boyfriend’ or even ‘partner.’”

It’s the couple’s hope that eventually same-sex marriage will be a normal occurrence that others can celebrate as they wish.

“I would love to see the country reach a point where we don’t have to call it ‘same sex marriage’ and it just becomes marriage,” John says.

And so, on a beautiful fall day in Washington D.C., surrounded by friends and family, and in a historic setting that has served as a home to poets, painters, and a sitting President of the United States, John Waller gave his hand to Ryan Huber. We wish them all the best.

Talking can help.

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Sheila & Kathy Gray

“We have a lot of the same values, and we expect to live up to the expectations we have for ourselves and our kids,” Sheila says.

Their new union wasn’t a source of friction among family members, except in one notable case.

“Of all our kids, Kathy’s youngest son was the only one who had a problem,” Sheila says. “He threw a fit, which actually caused a problem with Kathy’s exhusband. The biggest thing is going from ‘my mom’s friend’ to my ‘stepmom.’ I’ve always encouraged my kids to be honest about it. I raised my kids that way before I came out. It’s all about how people treat you and respect you. My kids just go with the flow.”

The disparities in same-sex marriage laws have caused confusion when the couple explain their situation. Anticipating ugly attitudes from neighbors and friends, she instead found acceptance and freedom. For Sheila, this presents a number of questions.

“Where are all these people that are against it? We’re supposed to be in a country where we’re accepted no matter who you are,” she says. “It doesn’t hurt anybody and it doesn’t affect anybody. We’re all supposed to be equal. All families are different.

What happens in the bedroom is such a small, minute part of our lives. I respect if you don’t like it. The more respect you get the more you give. If I have to be your topic of conversation, go for it!”

by BLAKE BOLDT, MANAGING EDITOR bboldt@outandaboutnewspaper.com

For Sheila and Kathy Gray, eight really is enough.

The Grays, who live in Columbia, have eight children between them (Sheila’s five adopted children, Kathy’s two biological children, and their shared biological son). On the morning of our conversation, Kathy is home sick from work, presenting an additional challenge to the busy couple.

Still, the triumphs overwhelm the tragedies for this extended brood. Comfortable with the life that they led, neither woman wanted to make an extra effort to be legally married.

“It wasn’t something I was going to go searching for,” Sheila says. “We had discussed moving to a state where it would be recognized. We discussed it a couple times over the years, and we talked about the difficulty of meshing two families.”

“A primary reason for me to move would be being closer to the beach,” she adds with a laugh.

The decision to get legally married turned into a matter of convenience this summer when the couple took a family trip.

“My family is from Connecticut, and my dad was selling the house that I was raised in,” Sheila explains. “We were gonna go up there for a wedding, and within a couple weeks we decided would just get married in the backyard.”

By this time, the couple was firmly established, so the logistics of their partnership were already intact.

“The only thing that changed anything was I got to change my last name,” Sheila says. “We’d taken care of the living wills, and the houses, and the cars. I think a lot of people are oblivious until you’re there in the hospital bed and somebody else is making the decision. We had all these bases covered, but it’s still hard.”

She didn’t know how much difficulty she’d face. Though she experienced little trouble with the social security office, the Department of Motor Vehicles refused to accept her name change. Without that crucial change, she was unable to update their bank accounts.

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11

The struggles in same-sex adoption A Hermitage couple discovers the unique challenges of finding the perfect child

by SCOTT MARKLEY

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Scott Markley and John Bledsoe, partners for more than 10 years, are currently in the process of adopting a child.

Photo provided.

Scott Markley and John Bledsoe, partners for more than 10 years, are currently in the process of adopting a child after years of considering their different options.

In this deeply moving account, Markley discusses the complexities of this life-changing decision and the challenges they face as gay men seeking to become parents.

JANUARY 2012

Adoption is a test of love, faith, finances and patience. Choosing to adopt a child is a life altering decision for any couple. Being a same-sex couple adds unique challenges to an already complex process.

Our decision to adopt took many years to come to.

Adoption, specifically same-sex adoption, is more prevalent than ever before. Now, more than ever, society is beginning to understand that a family can be defined in many different ways.

From the moment we made the unified decision to adopt we knew the process would be the most challenging and rewarding of our lives. Private adoption, international adoption, closed adoption, foster care, surrogacy and open adoption were early contenders. There was no clear cut path for us to take having no prior procedural adoption knowledge. In an effort to make sense of the chaos we decided to make crucial decisions long before we ever entered into contract with an agency.

Rather than research hundreds of agencies we decided to focus on the child that would ultimately be placed with us: Would we relate with a child that would require only temporary fostering?

Would we choose to match with a teenager? Would we consider transracial adoption? Would we want to know the birthparents? Could we handle a newborn? In theory, working backwards helped us narrow our search. We would ultimately decide that an infant was the best fit for us.

With our search criteria narrowed, we began to see open adoption as a great fit. Open adoption is adoption in which the birth mother/father and family knows the identity of the adoptive family.

Birth parent rights are still terminated as they are with closed adoption however communication may or may not continue on a regular basis.

Open adoption was once unheard of. Now it is commonplace for newborn adoptions in the U.S. Roughly three months after making the decision to adopt we made a concrete decision to pursue open adoption. It did not take long to realize that open adoption means different things to different people. More importantly, open adoption means different things to different agencies. After more research we were able to find an agency that matched our definition of what open adoption meant to us.

The agency that we decided to work with is an out of state agency. Although they do not specialize in same sex couple open adoptions they do not discriminate in any way. They work with all individuals and families who express a desire to adopt and meet their stringent criteria for eligibility. The agency is licensed in a handful of states but Tennessee is not one of them. This meant having to clear a few extra hurdles.

There is no doubt that adoption is both an emotional and financial challenge. We have been in a committed relationship for eleven years. For over a decade we casually spoke of children.

Part of the reason it took us so long to make the decision was to insure that we were financially and emotionally secure.

Read more at outandaboutnewspaper.com

Finding her calling

Folk musician and minister Catie Curtis mixes professions with panache

by BLAKE BOLDT, MANAGING EDITOR bboldt@outandaboutnewspaper.com

Folk singer-songwriter Catie Curtis has recently embraced a brand-new role that further expresses her passion and purpose: ordained minister for same-sex couples.

Curtis, who began her musical career in the coffeehouses of Rhode Island, has performed at national festivals including the Newport Folk Festival and Lilith Fair. Hit television shows such as Grey’s Anatomy and Dawson’s Creek have featured her songs.

In an industry fixated on edgy trends and extravagant fashions, Curtis had created a revealing oeuvre that has never gone out of style.

This summer brought even more reason for Curtis to celebrate. Recorded live in Los Angeles’ Stampede Origin Studio, her eleventh album, Stretch Limousine on Fire, was released last August. Although Curtis deftly handles an array of subjects on the album, all of her songs reflect a distinctive point of view.

“They say you should write about what you know,” she says. “I grew up in a quiet town in Maine, and I wrote about the intense, authentic experience of being in love. As I go through life, there are so many other things we go through---illness, birth, death. I’ve written about politics, but not so much on this album.”

Recording the new album was a rewarding experience, but Curtis says performing live in front of an audience is the ultimate thrill.

“My mission as a performing songwriter is for people to feel connected to me or to the people sitting next to them,” she says.

“The audience puts a certain trust in me. (My music) is tragic and humorous and beautiful.

The most satisfying thing is to sense this community that develops.”

Curtis’ music offers comfort and resolve to her listeners, and that same spirit is carried into her as a wedding minister. She’s officiated six ceremonies since being ordained last fall, and more are planned in the coming months.

Since Curtis is a full-time touring musician, the couples simply set their wedding date around her hectic schedule.

“It’s a real privilege to be a part of their

ceremonies,” Curtis says. “Most couples are long-time fans that have become friends (of mine).”

It remains to be seen how the same-sex marriage issue will progress, but Curtis conveys hope that all couples will one day be allowed Musician and musician Catie Curtis, a past to set their own performer at Lilith Fair, recently released her latest album, Stretch Limousine on Fire. course.

Photo credit: Tony Baker.

“I think it’s nice for couples to have a choice. I don’t feel anybody should tell anybody what to do, she says.

“Not everybody should necessarily have a ceremony.

But I think for some people this is a meaningful event where they can bring their community together and feel celebrated. For them it’s very moving and very

JANUARY 2012

worthwhile. It helps them to weather difficult times.”

The struggle to keep love alive hits home. Curtis and her partner Liz were married in Massachusetts, and the couple have two children together through adoption.

She says that potential parents need to be resilient during such a difficult process.

“We strongly believe in adoption. There’s a synchronicity to it in that when we were matched with these children we knew it was meant to be,” Curtis says.

“And I think our children want that affirmation (of us being married). We wanted our relationship to be as solid as it can be.”

More on Catie Curtis: Long-time musical heroes: Lucinda Williams, Star Williams, Karla Bonoff, Emmylou Harris, Bonnie Raitt Current musical favorites: Brett Dennen, Josh Ritter, The Weepies For more information on Catie Curtis, check out her Facebook page and her official website.

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New GLBT parenting group forms in Nashville Nashville GLBT Parents offers an opportunity for fellowship, fun among the area’s mothers and fathers

meetings will begin in late January and will feature different topics of discussion depending on the needs of the group.

A full slate of activities is planned once the organization finds its footing, including game nights, museum visits and dining excursions. Nashville GLBT Parents is not a counseling service or self-help organization, but simply a place for adults to feel comfortable seeking guidance for the decisions they face.

“The host role is on me right now, but that will change as we evolve and the members take more responsibility,” Copeland says.

For more information, visit the group’s Facebook page and Meetup.com site.

Brian Copeland (right) and his partner Greg Bullard have formed a GLBT parenting group for the Middle Tennessee area. Photo provided.

by BLAKE BOLDT, MANAGING EDITOR bboldt@outandaboutnewspaper.com

Two of Nashville’s most prominent gay men are embarking on a new adventure and embracing the challenges of parenthood for the first time. But they haven’t stopped there--creating an outlet for other parents who might be searching for advice and encouragement.

Organized by real estate agent Brian Copeland and his partner, Covenant of the Cross pastor Greg Bullard, Nashville GLBT Parents was inspired by the couple’s adoption of a baby boy in Georgia last fall.

Though friends and family were “nothing but amazing” after their newborn arrived home, it was difficult to discover opportunities for fellowship with other gay parents.

“When we got home, we started looking for gay parenting groups in the area and found that there were none,” Copeland says.

“There a number of straight parenting groups, and you’re welcome in those groups, but sometimes you want to talk about things that you are going through (as a gay parent).”

Nashville GLBT Parents is a group designed to focus on questions and concerns that naturally arise as parents navigate the difficult terrain of raising a happy, healthy child. Chiefs topics range anywhere from feeding habits to disciplinary matter, everyday duties that all parents go through.

Visibility for gay parents is a crucial element in the group’s dynamic, says Copeland.

“It’s important for the Nashville community to see the normalcy of (gay parenting),” he says. “It’s important for us to share our stories. We’re going through this together. One way to make a difference is to work for equality in the world. “ A Meetup.com site currently allows members to socialize online, but the group’s offerings will expand in early 2012. Monthly

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A healing touch

Alive Hospice offers grief support to the LGBT community

by BLAKE BOLDT, MANAGING EDITOR bboldt@outandaboutnewspaper.com

When her father died suddenly of a heart attack in 2003, Lynn Bachleda felt that she and her mother would benefit from assistance during the grieving process. But like many people struggling to cope with the death of a loved one, they were unsure where to turn.

Their answer came in the form of a Nashville institution built specifically for those who are struggling with life-threatening illnesses or the loss of loved ones, Founded by Dr. David Barton and Dr. John Flexner, Alive Hospice has offered support to the Middle Tennessee area for over 35 years. From caregiving to counseling, they serve patients and family members who have a wide variety of physical and emotional needs.

According to Bachleda, her spirits were lifted Since 1975, Alive Hospice has offered services such as caregiving and counseling when they attended a seminar called “Grief During the to patients, family members and friends.

Photo provided. Holidays.” She credits the educated, compassionate staff members for comforting her through a difficult time.

“They have so much experience and depth of knowledge at Alive Hospice,” Bachleda says. “There are so many ways to help each other out. Counseling may not be for everybody. It’s simply a part of giving yourself every advantage; it’s a card in the deck that they can play. You should use all the tools that you might have available.”

“People are looking for comfort and for something that will offer them relief,” says Jon Baker, a grief counselor at Alive Hospice. “Each situation has its own unique demands. When people are left behind, they are kind of adrift. It’s good to know there’s a safe place where you can express emotions that you want to express.”

Attendees don’t have to adhere to a regimented structure, Baker says, but they receive basic suggestions that might lessen their daily suffering. For people like Bachleda, these building blocks can lead to encouraging breakthroughs.

“The first session gave me the first inkling that there were patterns to grieving,” she says. “My reality is more present now. You learn to invent new rituals. I’ve learned that it’s perfectly fine that on some days I’m not as productive as I wish I were.”

In the last eight years, Bachleda has regularly used the Alive Hospice counseling services, most recently after the death of her mother in June. She faced a more complicated challenge in 2004 when her partner spent three months in Alive Hospice Residence Nashville before dying of cancer. The residential home, a 30-bed facility for hospice patients, is on Patterson Street near downtown Nashville.

Bachleda refers to Alive Hospice as a “completely GLBT-friendly” facility, easing any concerns she had about discrimination from staff members and fellow visitors.

“Especially for our community, it’s a really important resource,” she says.

“Sometimes the normal avenues like churches might not available to our community, although there are some churches that are. For gay people, we often have to build, supplement or replace our blood families with something else.”

With four locations in the Nashville area, Alive Hospice offers individual grief counseling year-round. They have also hosted grief support groups for gay men and lesbians. These groups, consisting of 6-12 people, allow for discussion of topics unique to the GLBT community.

“There are often disappointments along the way,” Baker says. “With the passage of time, it gets better. But there are often upsetting feelings and some apprehension.

There are a number of expectations (on a person), and it can be disconcerting. It’s important to identify these grief issues. Our staff is trained to help people do that.”

JANUARY 2012

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Passing the torch

Knoxville residents share their memories of the city’s first gay bars

by KELLY ROBINSON, CONTRIBUTING WRITER krobinson@outandaboutnewspaper.com

KNOXVILLE - Few gay bars make history of the textbook variety. Most everyone knows about the Stonewall Inn, where the 1969 riots defined the gay civil rights movement. Some may even have read about London’s White Swan, infamously and tragically raided in 1810. San Francisco’s Black Cat Bar and New York’s Julius Bar are often namechecked in gay and lesbian history pieces.

Clubs in smaller cities, like those in Tennessee, risk being lost to memory alone.

Their histories are seldom written down. Just a few decades ago, gay establishments rarely advertised, so even a historian looking through newspaper archives might never even know some establishments existed. Those who do remember the early clubs are eager to share their stories.

Stacy Breeden of Knoxville wants younger people to know just how much has changed. “We helped pave the way,” he says, remembering an era that was only a few years removed from Stonewall.

Before there were explicitly gay clubs, the Huddle on Knoxville’s Gay Street was doing business in the 1950s.

“It was popular with gays, lesbians, transvestites, prostitutes, newspapermen, and other fringe sorts who didn’t always feel quite as comfortable at, say, Howard Johnson’s.” says local historian Jack Neely. (A patron at Club XYZ remembers it as a place where “you could go without gettin’ your head busted open.”)

The Huddle is near-legendary to literature fans, as Cormac McCarthy immortalized it in his novel Suttree. McCarthy writes about a “cool and dark” dive with “the door ajar,” where one could observe the patrons on the downtown end of Cumberland as “they came down the steep street and turned in two by two.” He describes a “group of dubious gender” in the corner booth at the Huddle, where drinkers could have beer in a fishbowl or whiskey from a jelly jar.

A few decades later, the events of Stonewall reached the ears of Knoxville. Tony Carlisle --who many locals know as the iconic “Talk of the Town”-- remembers hearing about it from his older brother, who explained the situation in New York by saying, “The queens have had enough of the cops.” Unfortunately for Knoxville’s first non-underground gay bars, the cops had not yet had enough of them.

It was the Seventies, when downtown was crumbling and Knoxville didn’t yet have a Sunsphere, when Anita Bryant was actively opposing rights for homosexuals (and not yet the name of a drink at Club XYZ), and A Taste of Honey was at the top of the charts. Tony Carlisle remembers his first trip to the Carousel as a distinct part of the era.

“The first show I saw was at the Carousel, which had been a straight bar in ‘74 --I think it was called Barrister’s,” he says. Jamie Chambers was the show director, and she went on to be the first Knoxville winner of Miss Gay Tennessee. I remember seeing Francine Wilson, Arlene Davis and the comedy entertainer Daffodil Murphy.”

Not long after, Carlisle took the stage, performed Bette Midler’s “Do you Wanna Dance,” and was hired practically on the spot.

Breeden remembers the atmosphere well: “It was a very fashionable time: Izods, Calvin Kleins--Levi’s were huge. Everybody seemed like they had something in common, and I never had trouble making a friend.”

Carlisle concurs, “In the ‘70s it felt like you always had somebody looking out over your shoulder.”

Both recall the cops showing up like clockwork for monthly raids, ostensibly checking IDs, but seemingly hoping to find illicit behavior.

“The drag queens always took care of me,” Breeden, who was underage at the time, remembers. “They would hide me in the dressing room. Once I was hidden under the register, and could hear the queen at the door beckon the cop to ‘Come on in.’”

The Carousel is still opened today, and may be the longest continually opened bar in Knoxville. The late Seventies and early Eighties saw several gay and lesbian bars come and go: Europa, the Factory, the Pepper Tree and the Back Office Lounge, among others. The Huddle was still plugging along, though Carlisle recalls the latterday crowd being primarily women.

“Sometimes if the first show at the Carousel didn’t go well,” he says, “We’d all go to the Huddle, put a quarter in the jukebox and perform for tips, then make it back to the Carousel for the second show.”

The party vibe of the Seventies didn’t last forever. Early in the Eighties, AIDS was being discussed in the bars, before it even had a well-known name.

“At the club people called it the ‘gay plague.’ I never would,” says Carlisle. “I just called it ‘the bug.’” Breeden says he felt like the issue of gay rights began for him with AIDS. “I never even heard about it in the media until the late Eighties.”

While tension between club-goers rose, with rumors circulating about who may or may not be infected, the police intensified the feeling of fear. They continued to make their regular raids, but now, Carlisle reports, they came wearing surgical gloves and rubber masks.

Carlisle feels like the climate in the Eighties was different for other reasons, too. He notes that the music turned darker and harder as people began burning disco records and dressing in black clothing and leather.

“The Eighties was the worst decade,” he says. “Disco died and then AIDS...It was two double whammies in a row.”

The aftermath of the Eighties, Breeden thinks, is that people are a little less friendly. The loss of so many friends and lovers has taken its toll, and the younger crowd, living in an era of greater acceptance, don’t rely on gay bars as their only community anymore.

“Now, they can talk to a friend or maybe even their family,” Breeden says.

Entrepreneur Magazine listed gay bars as one of ten businesses facing extinction in 2007, noting, “As gay men and women have been gaining greater acceptance in society, what used to be a hangout for people who felt unwelcome elsewhere is becoming less necessary.” It was predicted that only the best would endure.

In Knoxville, the gay bar scene may have changed, but it has also most certainly endured. The city now boasts more choices than ever. And while acceptance is evergrowing, those from smaller towns still need the community they can only find where groups gather.

Kenny Coycault, who came to his first gay bar in 1999, agrees: “I was so relieved to find out I wasn’t crazy. I had never even seen Will & Grace. I didn’t know there were people like me.”

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Tennessee Tech to host anti-bullying conference

‘Bully-Free Tennessee’ conference educates community on creating safe school environments

by BLAKE BOLDT, MANAGING EDITOR bboldt@outandaboutnewspaper.com

Tennessee Tech University will host its second annual Bully-Free Tennessee Conference from Jan. 20-22, an event that addresses the serious issue of bullying in public schools.

Organizers are partnering with GLSEN Middle Tennessee (Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) and the Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network to provide education and insight on how to create safe school environments.

Registration is $25 for the general public, $10 for college students not attending TTU, and free for all TTU students and middle and high school students in Tennessee.

General volunteers are currently needed to assist during the conference.

In an email Q&A with Out & About Newspaper, coordinator Justin Sweatman acknowledges the challenges of this mission and encourages all Tennesseans to get involved in this cause.

What are one or two main goals you hope to achieve through this conference?

How do you encourage both parents and educational professionals to address bullying.

Students who feel endangered in schools don’t succeed. It’s that simple.

Ultimately our goal is to change the social norms in schools to provide a nurturing learning environment. We plan to address this in three ways:

1) Empowering individuals-This includes educating students, parents, teachers, and other stakeholders in the education of youth on evidence-based strategies of how to prevent and intervene in bullying situations and driving home the idea that just talking about it isn’t enough and that action is required to create change.

2) Building resiliency-That means providing a support system for youth, particularly victims of bullying and making the student aware that there are more people with you than against you.

3) Strengthening communities-We’ve all heard the old adage “It takes a village to raise a child.” It’s so true. More people are invested in the education of each child than just the parents and teachers. It’s the responsibility of EVERY member of a community to play an active role in creating a safe learning environment. A unique feature of this conference will be educating participants on strategic planning for an action plan, which will include how to bring a community together in support of addressing an issue.

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What do you see as the biggest challenges to making sure bullying is stricken from school and that policies are put in place to prohibit bullying from occurring?

The biggest challenges to making sure bullying is stricken from school is coming up with an effective system of not only identifying earlier on that the bullying is occurring, but how to handle the situation without making it worse. That is one reason I am particularly excited about the U.S. Department of Justice’s decision to host a “Student Conflict Resolution Team Training” at the conference! It should help provide the participants with tools that they could use to help defuse situations before they can get terribly out of hand. The policy hurdles are threefold: 1) General anti-bullying bullying rules need to be put in place and enforced.

2) Faculty and staff need to be better equipped to handle the different extremes of bullying.

3) Issues that may make one group of students inherently unequal need to be dealt with, this includes things such as not allowing some students to form GSAs (Gay Straight Alliances) on their campus and a of competency and awareness for cultural differences.

How does the recent news of an Ashland City teen committing suicide in part because of school bullying make this a vital time to present this conference?

We started planning the conference well before the horrific news became public.

The events in Ashland City underscore the dire importance and urgency of addressing these issues here at home. Problems don’t stop at state lines. This is not just a California or New York issue. This is a Tennessee issue. All of our thoughts and prayers go out to the victim’s family.

Anyone interested in helping or needing more information may email stop. bullying.in.tennessee@gmail.com, visit www.facebook.com/TNBullyingConference, or call Sweatman at 931-704-8814.

Woman denied visitation of partner at local hospital Staff members of Rolling Hills Hospital refused multiple requests

by BLAKE BOLDT, MANAGING EDITOR bboldt@outandaboutnewspaper.com

A Middle Tennessee woman is seeking answers after being prevented from seeing her partner in a local hospital last week.

Rolling Hills Hospital in Franklin denied multiple requests by Val Burke to visit her partner, who is currently a patient in the hospital’s residential facility. Staff members excluded her from the room since she was not a legal spouse or family member.

“I went to visit her at the appropriate visiting time and was turned away,” she

Rolling Hills resolves visitation rights issue

Tennessee Equality Project, Human Rights Campaign call on hospitals to review rules

by O&AN STAFF REPORTS

Rolling Hills Hospital

A Middle Tennessee woman has been allowed visitation rights of her partner at a local hospital after first being denied by staff.

Rolling Hills Hospital in Franklin rejected multiple requests by Val Burke to visit her partner, who is currently a patient in the hospital’s residential facility. Burke was excluded from the room since she was not a legal spouse or family member.

Richard Bangert, CEO of Rolling Hills, will meet with Burke on Wednesday to discuss the incident. He says the facility’s staff have been given a reminder about the hospital’s visitation rights.

says. “We have been living together for three years now, but that didn’t matter to them either. The rest of her family is out of town, so she didn’t have any one visit her.”

Burke had previously been allowed visitation rights, but only with her partner’s mother in attendance.

Under recent federal regulations, patients at most hospitals across the country are allowed to choose who has visitation rights. These rules apply to all hospitals that participate in Medicare and Medicaid.

Hospitals are also required to put their visitation policies in writing, including any “clinically necessary or reasonable restrictions” to visitation that may be appropriate.

Tennessee Equality Project (TEP) contacted the facility Sunday evening and confirmed that Rolling Hills participates in Medicare and Medicaid. Hospital administration were made aware of the incident and addressed this policy with staff on Monday, according to Chris Sanders, chair of TEP’s Nashville committee. “(This) is a very troubling report and it reminds us of the importance of this rule change that recently went into effect,” he says. “When we are at our most vulnerable, we need to be able to choose who visits us in the hospital.”

Val Burke previously served as a volunteer staff writer for O&AN. Her articles can be found in the O&AN archives.

“We take this very seriously and immediately communicated with staff once this issue was brought to our attention,” Bangert says. “We apologize for the misunderstanding.”

Although visitation times at the facility are held only on Sundays, Burke will be offered a special appointment time to see her partner.

“I am glad that no one else will have to deal with this, especially when we are dealing with mental health,” Burke says. “I told them by not letting us see our significant others may just give them another reason to Richard Bangert, CEO of Rolling Hills want to do something drastic.”

Under recent federal regulations, patients at most hospitals across the country are allowed to choose who has visitation rights. These rules apply to all hospitals that participate in Medicare and Medicaid.

Hospitals are also required to put their visitation policies in writing, including any “clinically necessary or reasonable restrictions” to visitation that may be appropriate.

Tennessee Equality Project (TEP) contacted Rolling Hills Sunday evening and confirmed that the facility participates in Medicare and Medicaid. After the organization informed administrators of the new federal rules, Rolling Hills reversed their original decision regarding Burke’s case.

“TEP was glad to help bring resolution to the situation,” says Chris Sanders, chair of TEP’s Nashville committee. “Val’s story reminds us that health facilities need more education about the new regulations so we can prevent this from happening again.”

The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) has called on all hospitals to review their policies and practices related to hospital visitation.

“Discrimination in a personal medical setting may be one of the worst forms of discrimination LGBT people face,” said HRC President Joe Solmonese. “Federal regulations were put in place for precisely this reason, to stamp discrimination out of the healthcare process and allow all people to be by their loved ones during their most vulnerable moments.”

Val Burke previously served as a volunteer staff writer for O&AN. Her articles can be found in the O&AN archives.

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2012 Year In Review

News that shaped the GLBT community in the past 12 months

by O&AN STAFF REPORTS

JANUARY Belmont University announced they have amended their current non-discrimination policy to include sexual orientation. The move came after the departure of the women’s soccer coach Lisa Howe in December.

O ut candidates David Glasgow (District 18) and Nancy VanReece (District 8) succumbed in their bids for Metro Council. Peter Westerholm won a runoff election in District 5 to become the first TEP board member to serve as a councilman.

FEBRUARY The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) hosted 16th annual Equality Dinner on Saturday, Feb. 19 at Nashville’s Loews Vanderbilt Hotel. The theme for this year’s dinner - sponsored by Bridgestone - was “The Art of Equality.” The gala celebrated the contributions and accomplishments of the Nashville arts community and will feature many diverse, local arts organizations in Nashville.

SEPTEMBER N ashville CARES hosted its AIDS Walk and 5k Run Saturday, Sept. 24 at a new location, downtown’s Riverfront Park. Kimberly Locke served as the celebrity spokesperson for the event. The organization raised approximately $200,000 for HIV/AIDS research.

MARCH The Tennessee Equality Project’s seventh annual Advancing Equality Day on the Hill was held March 1. Participants met with politicians to discuss legislation related to equality issues.

APRIL The Tennessee House approved a bill that would reverse Metro’s ordinance barring discrimination against LGBT employees. House members voted 73-24 in favor of the proposed legislation. Sponsored by Republican Glen Casada of Williamson County, it was intended to nullify a Nashville ordinance prohibiting companies that discriminate against gays and lesbians from doing business with the city.

MAY Governor Bill Haslam signs into law a bill that prohibits local governments from enacting their own non-discrimination policies, despite the Tennessee Chamber of Commerce and Industry reversing their earlier support and now opposing the bill.

The measure - SB 632/HB 600 - passed the legislature last week. It effectively reverses an ordinance passed by Metro Council that required city contractors to follow Metro’s rules barring discrimination against LGBT people.

A bill that would stop Tennessee teachers from talking about homosexuality in the classroom passed the Senate. The bill sponsored by Republican Sen. Stacey Campfield, who unsuccessfully pushed the same measure for six years while serving in the House, was approved 19-11 on Friday. The “Don’t Say Gay” bill would make it illegal for educators to discuss any sexual behavior apart from heterosexuality with students in kindergarten up through the eighth grade.

JUNE The Nashville Pride Festival included a full day of exciting performances on the Bridgestone Main Stage featuring national sensations Kimberly Caldwell, GodDes and She, Jonny McGovern and locally-loved groups Knowing Me Knowing You and The Worsties. The event was held at Riverfront Park for the third consecutive year. he second season of the hit series Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys began T filming in Nashville. Four women and their gay best friends were featured in our November cover story. New episodes of Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys premiered in late 2011.

JULY “Wildly Unpredictable,” the sixth installment of the Nashville GLBT Chamber of Commerce fashion show series, was held at PLAY Dance Bar on July 17. The event raised over $25,000.

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AUGUST A Nashville Fire Department paramedic was suspended after posting a Facebook rant against gay and lesbian fire department employees, with one post citing that “the queers need to crawl back into the closet.” Kevin Kennedy, a paramedic with the Nashville Fire Department EMS Bureau, started a string of posts in a closed Facebook group that was part of Nashville Fire Department’s Deputy Chief Steve Meador’s page. Meador heads the Paramedic/EMS Bureau of the department.

Kennedy directed some of his posts towards particular GLBT individuals on the department.

JANUARY 2012

OCTOBER Carla Lewis of Maryville, Tenn. is responsible for General Mill’s decision to abandon a transphobic advertising campaign for Totino’s Pizza. The campaign included an online competition seeking the next Totino’s Pizza Stuffers Mom. One of the video examples on General Mills’ website was a non-female identified cross dresser. Lewis, a member of the East Tennessee Equality Council and a former secretary of Tennessee Transgender Political Coalition, composed a petition on change.org to General Mills asking the CEO, Director of Marketing, and Director of Sales to pull the offensive ad.

ashville welcomed “On the Road to Equality,” a nationwide bus tour that carries N forth HRC’s mission of “educating the American public and empowering LGBT people to become advocates for themselves and their families.” The 12 week tour traveled to 20 cities in 13 states and D.C., with particular emphasis on the Midwest and South where there are limited legal protections for LGBT people.

Among the states the “On the Road to Equality” tour visited, none has a statewide non-discrimination law including sexual orientation or gender identity.

he University of Tennessee held its first LGBTIQ conference on Saturday, Oct. T 22 at the Knoxville campus. In partnership with OUTstanding, the free public seminar was open to all identities and backgrounds including lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, and queer (LGBTIQ) and ally-identified college students and community members.

id-South Pride moved its traditional June celebration to October, and both the M parade and festival moved from midtown Memphis to downtown Memphis. Out & About Newspaper served as a Platinum sponsor of the event held Oct. 15.

NOVEMBER As part of its third anniversary celebration, OutCentral Cultural Center hosted Autumn Honors to observe recent cultural achievements of GLBT Nashvillians.

DECEMBER Rolling Hills Hospital in Franklin denied multiple requests by Val Burke to visit her partner, who is currently a patient in the hospital’s residential facility. Staff members excluded her from the room since she was not a legal spouse or family member. After being alerted of the incident, the administration of Rolling Hills contacted Burke and allowed her a special visitation appointment.

ashville Fire Department terminated paramedic Kevin Kennedy after he posted N a series of inappropriate and homophobic messages online. Director Chief Stephen Halford issued the decision late Monday. Kennedy, a 20-year veteran of the department, received a two-month suspension without pay on Sept. 12 after posting a Facebook rant against gay and lesbian fire department employees on a public page. In one comment, he recommended that “the queers need to crawl back into the closet.”

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Whether your holiday of choice is Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukah, or just lounging around in your pajamas and eating pumpkin pie, congratulations! You made it, and I hope it was wonderful for you and yours.

Now, let’s talk about me. In addition to all of the festivals listed above, December 20 is the anniversary of the day Amy and I met in 1997. Since, we have not yet had the opportunity to Barb Neligan. legally marry in Tennessee, this is the day we choose to celebrate our relationship, or at least the day we try to celebrate our relationship. It doesn’t always happen, for a couple of reasons. One, December 20 gets lost in the holiday shuffle, and two, I’m not very good at remembering the actual date.

Don’t get me wrong. I remember every detail about the day itself. It was December, but this is Nashville so it was 60 degrees, and I wore shorts. A mutual acquaintance, an ex-nun, thought Amy and I should meet and arranged for a small group to go bowling at the Melrose Lanes. For the record, bowling is the perfect activity for a thinly disguised blind date. About the time you run out of witty things to say, it’s your turn, and you can pretend to be focusing on the game while trying to think of more witty things to say. And the Melrose Lanes, like most bowling alleys, are kind of seedy and dark, which can be kind of sexy. Which is hard to find at noon on Saturday.

So, I totally remember the details of the day, but I can never remember the actual date. That got me to thinking, how do straight couples do it? Then it hit me. They’ve got cheat sheets all over their darn houses.

Think about it. If you’re over at a straight couple’s house and need a light, chances are good they are going to hand you a match book with their names and wedding date embossed on the cover. Tricky, right? They’ve got those things scattered all over the place, tucked away in drawers, sitting on the mantle, the grill, everywhere. (Sadly, for many straight couples there is that post-divorce moment where one spouse throws out the matches, but I digress.)

And if that’s not enough to jog their nuptial memory, there is usually at least one framed picture of their wedding invitation, complete with date, on at least one wall. Think your anniversary is coming up? Just casually stroll over to the framed invitation of the event in the foyer and check. You’re a romantic hero and your spouse in none the wiser.

So until Amy and I can legally marry in Tennessee, I’m using the straight couple cheat sheets. I’m going to get a ton of matchbooks with “Amy & Barb, December 20, 1997” printed up and scatter them all over the house. And if you come over and see a picture of the Melrose Bowling Lanes with that date on it hanging in our foyer, you’ll know why.

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Be safe…stay with us and walk back to your room! The Tavern will be open on Saturday 12pm-5pm for pool, beer, snacks, movies and Wii.

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Follow Barb on Twitter: twitter.com/BarbNeligan Follow Barb on Facebook: facebook.com/barbneligancomedy

Come visit us in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains.

Nashville-based comedian Barb Neligan recently joined up with the Queer Queens of Comedy, the all-lesbian comedy revue that consistently gets rave revues across the country. Barb sat down with producer and fellow comedian Poppy Champlin to talk about the tour and their upcoming show with Vickie Shaw at Zanie’s in Nashville on Monday, Jan. 23. Read the interview at outandaboutnewspaper.com.

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At Elmhurst, you’ll find an exceptionally welcoming campus community. We embrace individual expression. We see our differences as sources of strength.

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Scholarships for LGBT students Our Enrichment Scholarship specifically benefits academically qualified students from minority groups—including LGBT students. The scholarship covers one-third of tuition. More than that, it underscores our commitment to affirming the identities and advancing the dreams of each individual student.

“People at Elmhurst are accepting and supportive, from the faculty and staff to my friends and fraternity brothers. My experience here has helped me embrace my sexuality and become the person I am today.”

Joey Carrillo

A wealth of programs and resources We support our LGBT students through a variety of campus organizations and events. The student group EQUAL (Elmhurst Queers and Allies) promotes awareness through events and advocacy. SAFE (Staff, Administrators and Faculty for Equality) offers a support network for the LGBT community. An annual guestship and other special events focus on issues of concern to the LGBT community. Our faculty is adding courses in LGBT studies.

A step ahead of the rest “In a small but meaningful step, Elmhurst College is now officially telling applicants that gay students are welcome on campus. The private liberal arts college is the first college in the U.S. to ask potential students about their sexual orientation or gender identity on its application....The question is meant to increase diversity at the school, which is affiliated with the United Church of Christ, and to direct incoming students toward services that might ease their transition into college life. It’s also a strong signal that the school will embrace LGBT students and will do its best to support them.”

—Chicago Sun-Times, August 26, 2011

“Elmhurst College does a great job of nurturing and supporting LGBT students.

Coming out was hard for me, but I’ve been blessed to have an accepting community to come out to.”

Felicia Diaz

Hear our students’ stories: www.elmhurst.edu/lgbt Contact us: (630) 617-3400 • admit@elmhurst.edu • www.elmhurst.edu/admission • 190 Prospect Avenue, Elmhurst, Illinois facebook.com/ElmCol

twitter.com/ElmhurstCollege