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Issue No. 15 Fri. 25th March, 2011 Tel: 0504-51945 email: info@offalytatler.ie info@laoistatler.ie web: www.offalytatler.ie www.laoistatler.ie
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“You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him James D. Miles
Jokes This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. "When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck!"
At work, I've got the ear of the boss. I'm still not convinced we should pay the ransom.
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I was in court the other day about divorcing my wife. When the judge asked why i wanted to get a divorce, apparently "I bought a dishwasher" wasn't good enough.
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
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I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those guys are hiding something delicious in there. I know it."
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
A girl in the nightclub last night asked me for my mobile number. I said 'No way! I've had that number for ages!"
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Kathleen Harding, Jennifer Gill, PJ Holohan and Paudie Begadon; celebrating their Birthdays’ in Touhy’s, Rathdowney on Monday the 14th. Brendan O’Neill instilled the night with music and song with a little help from their many friends
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Nonagenarian hits the high note
Viral Video Competition ‘Unique Reasons to Visit Offaly’ Are you interested in film making, acting or producing? Do you upload films to the likes of YouTube or Facebook? If you have a home-camera or even a phone, or you think you could be the next Martin Scorsese then this competition could be for you. Offaly County Council in association with Midlands 103 is running a ‘Viral Video Project’ titled ‘Unique Reasons to Visit Offaly’. This is a competition open to families, groups and individuals of all ages. So what is a viral video? A viral video is one that becomes popular through the process of Internet sharing, typically through video sharing websites and email i.e. Facebook, Bebo, Hotmail, YouTube etc. Viral videos often contain humorous content and includes comedy sketches. This project is being promoted and supported by the Economic Development Office and the Arts Office of Offaly County Council in Association with Midlands 103. We are seeking amateur, professional and recreational film makers to compete in our Viral Video Project in Offaly. This is an exciting new initiative aimed at raising the profile of Offaly nationally and internationally through Social Media but also affording our creative community the opportunity to capture their Offaly on film.
Midlands 103 are fully supporting the project and will be highlighting the competition over the next few weeks through advertisements and a series of interviews with some of its show presenters. Economic Development Officer David Minton said ‘social media provides us with an immense platform to market Offaly nationally and internationally. Offaly also boasts a wealth of people interested in film. This project is about marrying the two and providing the creative community the opportunity to portray their vision of Offaly’. He went on to say ‘we are also delighted that Midlands 103 has come on board to support the initiative and it reflects their willingness to support tourism in the region’. Sinead O’Reilly, Arts Officer speaking about the project said ‘this is an innovative departure for a local authority and we look forward to seeing the creative and ingenious ideas that are out there’. This is a social media competition and the winner will be selected by a point score made up of internet sharing and an independent judging panel. First prize will be a massive €1000. Our awards night will be hosted upstairs in Hugh Lynches Bar, Tullamore and special prizes will be awarded on the night for Offaly’s version of the Oscars.
Criteria for submission * The film must be no longer than 2 minutes in length. * The content of the viral must focus on ‘Unique reasons to visit Offaly’. However these reasons may be main stream activities, creative concepts or just fundamentally quirky. * Videos must have an element of entertainment * The videos must be primarily based outdoors but can contain narrative. * Videos must be submitted in a format conducive to uploading on YouTube. * Top ten videos will be selected for viewing at the official launch and awards night. * Selected videos will be promoted through Film Offaly and relevant Tourism Websites. Deadline for receipt of entry is April 28th 2011. Offaly’s Oscars ceremony will be held on Friday the 20th of May 2011. Application and more information If you would like an application or find out more information please log on to www.offaly.ie/viralvideo or contact Edel Boyd, Offaly County Council on 057 93 57457 or eboyd@offalycoco.ie
Monday the 14th of March was made a little special in Touhy’s when 95 year old Mick Begadon gave a great rendition of the “Fields of Athenry”. Mick was there to celebrate with family and friends the birthday of his nephew Paudie Begadon the renowned singer from Aughmacart.
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The History of The Wedding Dress By Martin Gosling
In western culture, weddings performed during and immediately following the Middle Ages were often more than a union between just two people. They could also be a union between two families, two businesses or even two countries. Many weddings were more of a matter of politics than that of love. Brides were therefore expected to dress in a manner that cast their families in the most favourable light, for they were not representing only themselves in the ceremony.
amount of material a wedding dress contained also reflected the bride’s social standing and indicated the extent of the family’s wealth. Today, there are wedding dresses available in all price ranges. Women may purchase readymade gowns, wear a family heirloom, or they may choose a dressmaker to create one for her. In addition, today many bridal salons have samples of wedding gowns in their stores where the bride selects a certain style and orders one to be made to fit.
Over the centuries, brides continued to dress in a manner that was befitting of their social status. The
Today, Western wedding dresses are usually white. White did not become a popular option until
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1840, after the marriage of Queen Victoria to Albert of Saxe-Coburg. Victoria had worn a white gown for the event so as to incorporate some lace she owned. Many other brides opted for a similar dress in honour of the Queen’s choice. The tradition continues today in the form of a white wedding. Many people assumed that the colour white was intended to represent virginity, though this had not been the original intention. The white gown is in fact a symbolic Christening gown. They are a variation of white surplice worn in the Western Catholic tradition by members of the clergy, church choirs and servers and the gowns worn by girls making their first communion and their first confirmation and also by women making religious vows. Today, the white dress is normally understood merely as the most popular and traditional choice for weddings.
In Eastern culture, many of the wedding dresses in China, India and Vietnam are coloured red, which is seen as the traditional colour of good luck. In modern Chinese weddings, the bride may opt for Western dresses of any colour, and later don traditional costume for the official tea ceremony. For brides in Indian culture, Red saris are the traditional garment choice. Sari fabric is also traditionally silk. Indian brides in Western countries often wear the sari at the wedding ceremony and change into traditional Indian wear afterwards. At Japanese weddings, brides will often wear three or more dresses throughout the ceremony and subsequent celebrations with a traditional kimono, white and colour dress combination being popular.
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Ritzy’s supporting Phoenix Project
At the launch of the Fundraising day in aid of the Phoenix Project are seated L to R Molly Buckley (Councillor) and Teresa Connolly (Proprietor Ritzys) and standing L to R William Prior and Liam McMahon (both Phoenix Project), Marion O’Connell and Annemarie Comerford (both Ritzys) (Photo Bridie Roe)
All smiles at the launch of the Phoenix Project fundraising day are L to R: William Prior, Liam McMahon, Molly Buckley and Teresa Connolly (Photo Bridie Roe)
Banagher To Cheltenham Via Youtube !
The Cup and Shield finals in aid of the Phoenix Project were played on Sunday 13th March in aid of the Phoenix Project in the Clubhouse at Leah Victoria Park, and they provided great entertainment for all who attended. This project was set up in late 2009 to help families cope with the effects of the global financial crisis. It will provide financial advice and assistance to clients who are encountering financial and emotional difficulties. It focuses particularly on people who feel there is no way out. One of its aims is to provide confidential support to clients and their families with respect and dignity.
The fundraising night also included a table quiz, which was won by Tony McCormacks team, followed by a sponsored leg wax and head shave. Teresa Connolly, Ritzys, had great praise for her staff who have put a huge effort into making the night a sucTeresa Connolly and all the staff at cess. Prior to Sunday evening, Ritzy’s Hair salon took part in the there were street collections and mega fundraising day. Teresa and Church Gate collections in the Daher team were winners of the Naingean Parish Churches along with tional Salon of the Year at the various raffles. Teresa thanked all Schwarzkopf business awards last who worked or helped in any way October. As an astute business by volunteering their services and woman she appreciates that times especially thanked her customers are tough for many families and who dug deep in their pockets to feels this project is ‘for the people support the Project. Anyone who by the people’ and is one hundred would like further information can percent behind it. Willam Prior contact the numbers listed.
National Dog Walk-Easter Monday April 25th Let your dog take the lead for a great cause! The second National Dog Walk is on Easter Monday April 25th - sign up your four-legged friend for this 5K walk and do something wonderful for The Carers Association supporting voluntary family carers in the home. The National Dog Walk is held at 13 Petmania locations around Ireland, including Tullamore and Portlaoise, each with the prize of a year's supply of Royal Canin food awarded to the dog raising the
Mark Boylan, a 13 year old first year student at Banagher College Colaiste Na Sionna has had an incredable few week following the completion of a song he wrote about the Cheltenham Festival. Mark who is a keen horse racing fan is also an accomplished singer and guitar player and has gathered huge attention with his own compostion ‘The Festival’.
Paul Townend, Aidan Coleman and last years Gold Cup winning rider Paddy Brennan. He was totally bowled over when the 15 times champion jockey Tony McCoy posted a comment on the networking site Twitter.
Last March a record producer in the UK took him to The Cheltenham Festival as their guest after spotting his video on Youtube where he performed his version of a charity single ‘Cheltenham’ which had been released for the Injured Jockeys Fund. Building on his experience of his trip to Cheltenham, he decided to put pen to paper and wrote what he describes as ‘A passionate Cheltenham Anthem’.
This years BBC Sports Person of the Year and Grand National winning jockey wrote ‘ I ain’t no Simon Cowell but how good is 13 year old Mark Boylans song about the Cheltenham Festival. ‘
He again used Youtube as the vehicle to display his talents and after one week, the song had been viewed over 3000 times and attracted huge attention from people within the Horse Racing Industry. He has received numerous messages of support from some of racings top jockeys including
(Director and Chairman) thanked Teresa and her staff for their support. He also confirmed that the office for the Midlands region is now open at The Waterfront Offices, French Church Street, Portarlington, Co Laois. Contact numers are Tel: (057) 8636830 / 8636831. Fax (057) 8623657. E-mail: support @phoenixproject.ie. Website: www.phoenixproject.ie.
Several national newspapers and radio stations have been in contact with him and The two major Racing Papers have been covering his story. The Irish Field outlined the story of ‘The Boy who is singing his way to Cheltenham’ while the Racing Post have taken things a step further by flying Mark to London to record his song in their Studios at Racing Post headquarters. They also shot a promotional video to use during the festival.
most sponsorship. If yours is Ireland’s Top Dog - raising the most money nationwide - your family of up to 2 adults and 3 children will accompany him/her on holiday to the 4-star Harvey's Point Hotel in Donegal for 5 nights B&B + 2 evening meals! Sign up at www.nationaldogwalk.ie or visit The Carers Association at www.carersireland.com
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Laois Resident to attempt to Row The Indian Ocean, Naked! Naked Irishman set to depart for Australia for 120 day gruelling Indian Ocean rowing challenge In just under three weeks, Kildare man Keith Whelan, aka the Naked Adventurer, heads off across the globe in his attempt to become the youngest male in the world to row the Indian Ocean solo and the first Irish person to row the Indian ocean ever. “Oh and he will be Naked too!” The challenge will see 30 year old Keith row 12 hours every day, 2 hours on and 2 hours off, for the 120 days he will be at sea. That’s 1.8 million oar strokes in searing heat, massive ocean swells and vicious storms. The event management consultant living in Co.Laois, has been preparing for his Indian Ocean Challenge for the past 18 months. “I had never even rowed a boat this time two years ago” he said, “but this challenge is something I’ve always wanted to do. As it stands more people have walked on the moon then have rowed across the Indian Ocean. I’m hoping to get the spotlight of achievement back on Ireland with this world record, and of course raise much needed funds for my chosen charity “Keep a Child Alive.” Keith will depart Ireland in just three weeks for Western Australia where he will launch his 23ft long boat Ocean rowing boat and begin his challenge. The boat, where he will
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spend up to 4 months, is just 6 foot wide at its widest point. It carries 150 litres of ballast water which will helps to flip the boat back up the right way in the event of a capsize. On-board solar panels provide energy to run the very limited electrical equipment on board such as the water maker, GPS, Satellite phone, VHF radio and AIS system. Keith, aka ‘the naked adventurer’ will be completely alone at sea and unaided by any other vessel. To achieve his world record, he must row to longitudinal point near Mauritius, without having been touched by anyone other than Keith. In the event of an emergency, there is an EPIRB (Emergency Position Indicating Radio Beacon) on board in addition to PLB (Personal Locating Beacon) along with a life raft should the worst happen “Obviously the lighter the load the better” added Keith, “Most of the gear on board will be absolutely essential equipment, dehydrated food and about 500 bars of chocolate. I will be bringing one or two photos and will probably stick some messages from people and some inspirational quotes on the inside of the cabin. The main message over the aft cabin door, the one I will be facing as I’m rowing will read “pain is temporary but quitting lasts forever”!” Keith will be blogging, updating his facebook page and tweeting throughout his journey. You can also see his real-time location on www.thenakedadventurer.com. The challenge is kindly supported by Fyffes, Rowhire, Powerbar, Timex and Relinquish Clothing amongst other generous contributors. Additional sponsors are always welcome as are donations to Keep a Child Alive.
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Run ,walk or jog with team Rehab Are You Taking Part in This Year’s Flora Women’s Mini Marathon? Run ,walk or jog with team Rehab at this year’s women’s mini marathon to support people with disabilities in Offaly. Offaly Rehab services are looking for women to join their team on a fun and enjoyable day at this year’s women’s mini marathon on Monday 6th June in Dublin.
All proceeds raised will go directly to help support Offaly Rehab services. All interested participants should contact 086 043 22 67 for their free sponsorship pack, application form and training plan. You support would be greatly appreciated. To register visit www.florawomensminimarathon.ie
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Beware Of Computer Phone Scams
Book Review The Top Gear Story
Another scam has emerged in the world of computers. This time it is con-men cold-calling people either in their business or home, saying that they represent Microsoft and have been getting error messages sent through the internet from the home/business computer saying that hackers are trying to break into the computer. These con-men are very adept at answering questions to allay any suspicions of the person concerned and will talk the unsuspecting victim through a series of computer instructions to show all the error messages and supposed Hacker files. The con-man will then reassure the victim that they will be able to clear the files and protect their computer by installing a special antivirus program. They will then talk
the person through the downloading, into the payment scheme and then look for payment for the downloaded file. A "secure" credit card payment window will open and the victim will be expected to pay a couple of hundred euro for the product. The program is a virus which could cause the computer to crash, so if anyone should get this call, hang up the phone immediately. These men are very smooth talking and convincing.
Martin Roach Review by Elizabeth O’Shea
Top Gear began as a lowly motoring show in the 1970s but has become an internationally successful and iconic show known for its mad and dangerous stunts and clever programming ideas. Now Top Gear fans can read all about the history and development of their favourite programme. The Top Gear Story covers the show from its inception, provides brief biographies of the presenters and The Stig, reveals how the most famous features of the show developed, and Microsoft does not sell its product to includes a full chapter on the Bugatti the public in this way and is working Veyron. Author Roach’s writing is with An Gardai Siochana, The Data engaging and very easy to read, so Protection Commissioner, ComReg you can read the book quickly in a and the National Consumer Agency, to catch these conmen and warn potential victims of this scam.
sitting or two or dip in and out as you fancy. Any fan of Top Gear will enjoy this book. The Top Gear Story is available in hardback from Sheelagh na Gig bookshop, Cloughjordan, which is open Wed-Thu 10.00am-5pm, FriSat 10am-6pm and Sunday 1pm6pm. Tel: 0505 42123; email, info@sheelaghnagig.com; follow us on Twitter @sheelaghnagig; or see us on Facebook.
Offaly Cumann na mBunscol Offaly V Tipperary Girls football 20 March 2011. O Connor Park, Tullamore 1. Killeen Katie Corrigan Nicola Dolan 2. Gortnamona Cliodhna Monahan Alison Monahan 3. Edenderry Alice O'Neill Sarah Guing 4. Ballinagar Claudia Darcy Kellyann O’ Connor 5. Walsh Island Kiera Mahon Aoibhinn Dixon 6. Rhode Chelsey Mc Cusker Nicole Garry
7. Croghan Ciara Scully Alison Rigney 8. Ballybryan Cora Smullen Ciara Lawton 9. Daingean Ciannait Goulding Aishling Jones 10. St Rynaghs Aine Daly Aine Maloney 11. Kinnitty Paula Donnelly Amanda Downey
Offaly V Tipperary Boys football 20 March 2011. O Connor Park, Tullamore 1. High st Dylan Connaughton Conor Kenny 2. Mountbolus Dean Brummell Paddy Guy 3. Coolanarney Karl Guinan Jack Molloy 4. Clareen Sean Dooley Cathal Ryan 5. Killeen Ros Connaughton William Dwyer 6. Gortnamona Conor Owens Stephen Leonard
7. Ballyboy David Coyne Peter Bracken 8. Edenderry Eoin Farrell Darren Quinn 9. Ballinagar Darragh Norris Adam Galvin 10. Walsh Island James Dunne Luke McCloskey 11. Rhode Dean Lynch Jordan Murphy 12. Kinnitty Michael Magill Niall Bradley
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Motoring New car sales up a fifth generating €220 million for the Exchequer Scrappage Scheme figures just released from the SIMI show that (up to Wed 23rd Feb) 2,251 cars have been recorded under the Scheme so far this year (there is up to a 60 day time period for Scrappage cars to be processed so the actual figure is likely to be a lot more). These cars represent €14 million in revenue for the Exchequer. 12,609 new cars were sold in February, an increase of 4% on last year. SIMI Director General, Alan Nolan says this is ahead of expectations. “With the Big Freeze last year, a lot of January deliveries were delayed until February, so we weren’t expecting this February to show an increase over last year. Mo-
torists are clearly still being attracted by the great deals on offer for both Scrappage and non-scrappage cars.” So far this year, 33,606 new cars have been sold, representing a revenue intake of over €220 million. This is an increase of 18% on last year; an additional €40 million in revenue for the Exchequer. “We are very reassured by the numbers for the first two months of the year but we are only too aware that the year ahead remains a fairly challenging one. There is no doubt though that the Motor Industry will continue to build upon this very strong start.”
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Life in the 80’s
Clara GAA Notes Fixtures This Week
U12 indoor hurlers also finished up last Wed night after 8 weekly sesSunday 27th March: Division 1 sions with a blitz for easter eggs. Football League. Clara V Tullamore This incentive was amazing with 8 in Clara at 12Noon Sunday 27th quality games with great goals and March: Minor Football all games very close. A special League. Clara V Gracefield in Grace- thanks to trainers, Mark Murray, field at 12 Noon Padraig O’Meara, Mel Doyle, Tony Egan and Barry Guilfoyle. U12 outWeekly Club Lotto door training will re-start on Thurs Weekly Lotto 19-Mar-11. There was 7th April at 6.15-7.30 in Paric no winner of the weekly club Lotto Phroinsias, Kilcoursey. jackpot. The winning numbers were 1-3-9-18. There were nine match three winners. These were Bridie Connaughton, Jenny Bastic, Celsius Indoor Hurling League Doolan, B Downes, Michael Power, Davy McGrath, Joy Buggy, Joe Dee- Our annual indoor hurling league han, Alan Deehan. Next weeks lotto concluded last tuesday 15th March. takes place in Cowans and the JackOn the evening there were over 40 pot is €4550. Thanks to all who sup- kids present as well as many parents. port our lotto and thanks to all our This was a credit to Mel Doyle and ticket sellers. all the mentors involved and we would like to see that level of parenMembership tal support and player enthusiasm Membership for the year 2011 is now continue in the season ahead. due. Membership for the following year 2011 is the same as 2010. Monday Night Coaching There is Monday night coaching for Membership Rates all 6-14 year olds, from 6.30pm to Adult playing member €50, Ordinary 7.30pm. member €20, Underage player €20, Walkers (associate members) €20, Bingo Senior citizens €10, Registration for The Jackpot of €500 must be won life members €2, Life member €250 every week. St Patricks Day Parade and Raffle. Many thanks must go to all who marched in our parade. It was well attended by our young players and led by our under 14 hurling champions. In Dolans at 6pm on the day we had our raffle for the signed hurley and 3 clara shirts. The winners have been notified and we would like to thank everyone who bought a ticket. U6/U8 Hurling After a very successful U8 Indoor hurling league the U6/U8 outdoor training will start on Thurs 7th April at 6.30-7.30 in Paric Phroinsias, Kilcoursey with Noel Gavin, Colm Scanlon, Wayne Bracken and Tresa Bracken U10 Hurling U10 indoor hurlers finished up last Fri night after 8 weekly sessions with a blitz for easter eggs. It was a great night and many thanks to trainers, Kevin Roe, Pat Phelan, Paul Rabbette and Des Dolan. U10 outdoor training will re-start on Thurs 7th April at 6.15-7.30 in Paric Phroinsias, Kilcoursey. U12 Hurling
Yearly Lotto No matter where you live in the world, you can join the yearly lotto. As a former member , player or resident of Clara, we appeal to you to enter this so that we can finish the final phase of development in our main grounds in Kilcoursey, which we hope to officially open later on this year. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Yearly Lotto Subscription The yearly Lotto subscription of €75 for the year 2011 is now due and can be paid to any committee member. If there is anybody who is living away and would like to subscribe to the Lotto, please contact any member of the committee. Website Anyone wishing to put an add on the website please contact any member of the committee. Club Notes By Email Club Notes By Email-Anyone who wishes to recieve the club notes by email please send your email address to anclarach@live.ie , you will be added to our email list and you should recieve them every Monday night.
Back in the Day When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up. What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 pence a week just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But.... Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with highresolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you, you watched his hairstyle!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't And sure, we had cable television, have the Internet. If we wanted to but back then that was only like 2 know something, we had to go to the channels and there was no onscreen library and look it up ourselves! menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what And there was no email! We had to was on! actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! And then you had to And there was no Cartoon Network! walk all the way across the street You could only get cartoons on Satand put it in the mailbox and it urday morning... D'ya hear what I'm would take like a week to get there! saying!?! And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!
We had to wait ALL WEEK! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1981!
You want to hear about hardship?
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Avon are recruiting representatives in Professional Counselling and Psyall areas, no start up costs, contact chotherapy, hypnotherapy, fully conMargaret 086-0234484 iss11fidential, accredited & registered. Richard Fallon, member of I.C.H.P. Ballycumber, Co. Offaly. Tel: 0871274209. Mon, Tues, Wed. Also email counselling service at www.brosnaemailcounselling.com In Time....offers counselling for Bereavement, Rape/Sexual Assault, Anxiety, Work and School Related Stress, OCD (Obssesive CompulsiveDisorder), Post Natal Depression, Loneliness and more....Life CoachMini Chip Garden Bark , Top qualing.... Looking at ways to improve your life, Setting goals and achieving ity 75 litre Bags, Wholesale Price, can deliver. Boomerang 0504 90402/ them by unleashing the real you. Contact Tammy Spain, Dip C.S.C.T. 087 9042625 Counsellor, Phone 0509 25805 Mo-
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Unavoidable Laws of Life... When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)
ousness of the problem (law of gravitas) Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny) You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling) When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban) If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will Your insurance will cover everything always be at the same time. (Law of but what has happened. (Insurance so wasteland) sorry law) The cost is always higher than one When things seem easy to do, it's be- budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of cause you haven't followed all the pi. (Law of pi eyed) instructions. (Destiny awaits law) If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seri-
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)
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Health & Beauty Psychic reading (Midlands 103), healing, hypnotherapy, EFT, Bernie 086-3688583, Meadow View House, Durrow, Laois. Iss13 Rahanni Celestial Healing, Level 1. One day training, Sat 30th october, 10.30-4pm. Level 2, Saturday 6th november, 10.30-4pm. Bernie 0863688583 Iss9Then takeout Make-Up Artist. Carmel Ryan is a freelance make-up artist, based in Roscrea, Co. Tipperary. she specialises in make-up for debs and bridal parties. For your wedding, she offers a mobile service in the comfort and privacy of your own home. Mobile: 087-2773351 iss150
Bonhams for Sale Beautiful multi-coloured piglets for sale. Outdoor breed. Thriving well. Male and female. Tel; 086 4021659
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Prayers The Miraculous Prayer – Dear Heart of Jesus, in the past I’ve asked for many favours. This time I ask You this very special one (mention favour). Take it Dear Heart of Jesus and place it within Your own broken heart where Your Father sees it. Then in His merciful eyes it will become Your favour, not mine. Amen. Say this prayer for 3 days, promise publication and favour will be granted. Never known to fail. K.R. The Miraculous Prayer – Dear Heart of Jesus, in the past I’ve asked for many favours. This time I ask You this very special one (mention favour). Take it Dear Heart of Jesus and place it within Your own broken heart where Your Father sees it. Then in His merciful eyes it will become Your favour, not mine. Amen. Say this prayer for 3 days, promise publication and favour will be granted. Never known to fail. D.O.D.
Novena to St. Clare Ask St. Clare for three favours, one business and two impossibles; and say nine Hail Marys FOR NINE NIGHTS WITH LIGHTED CANDLE. Pray wether you believe or not. Publish on ninth day.Poweful Novena. May The Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised, adored, glorified and loved today and every day throughout the world, forever. Amen. Your request will be granted no matter how impossible itmay seem. Publication must be promised. M.O.D.
Prayers: €5.00 Initials:______ Miraculous Novena Other____________
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Cryptic Crossword AACROSS 1. N.N.E. bubble burst over Sligo mountain under whose head Yeats is buried in Drumcliff Churchyard. (9) 6. Polish with leather right inside Limerick village near Lough Gur with a ruined castle of the de Laceys. (5) 9. "Noise is defined as a stench in the ---" Ambrose Bierce. (3) 10. The pen tips are for his Lordship. (4) 11. Guinness? No, not Arthur, but the film star! (4) 13. Each without exception is seen in Lismore very often. (5) 15. Beard of wheat woven into jackdaw nest. (3) 16. Birr lay around for what Lord Samuel described as "thought in cold storage". (7) 17. Are reds about to be allowed into 16 across? (7) 19. Lubrication available in Portnoo illusion. (3) 20. Over there, in Mayo, namely. (3) 21. Longing for a Japanese circulator, currently. (3) 22. Mr. Swan? (3) 23. Deliberately collide ovinely? (3) 25. Come back up the Cork River to fish. (3) 26. I'd sat up with F.F. on the mother's side, heraldically speaking. (7) 27. No, I save coming back by avoidance. (7) 30. Floor covering put back in Limerick lough 12 miles south of city, with numerous ancient monuments. (3) 31. Ogham writing about Tyrone's town on the Strule, noted for river pearls, and for trout and salmon. (5) 32. "Any man who hates ---- and babies, can't be all bad." W.C. Fields. (4) 35. For a confused continental prefix before American for pc black. (4) 36. Owing to this, it could be a deadly fight for two with fifty following. (4) 37. In county Nancy visited, 8 miles west of Armagh city is a village noted for its ancient crosses. (5) 38. Sew the mat up in County with Goldsmith country, which meets Longford and Roscommon on Ree. (9) DOWN 1. Lundy cob flies over to Wexford town called Newtownbarry in former times. (8) 2. An upheaval confronts little Robert who has returned from abroad with great wealth. (5) 3. Grassland included in the Greencastle area. (3) 4. Log brand folly. (anag.) Kerry estuary village 8 miles north of Listowel, once the seat of the O'Connors. (13)
5. "Able was I --- I saw Elba" - palindrome attributed to Napoleon. (3) 6. Ben had banner out for Dublin writer (1923-64) who said an AngloIrishman was a protestant with a horse. (7,5) 7. Applied in house daily. (4) 8. Loud start, then yes-no confusion in Limerick port once famous for its transatlantic seaplane service. (6) 12. Racks R.U.C. grief. (anag.) Antrim town once noted for its salt mines, and famed in song of an exile. (12) 14. Gull by Havana. (anag.) Clare village near Lisdoonvarna, and a convenient centre for the Burren.(12) 18. Noble involved in dear Lurgan. (4) 19. The burden is never off us. (4) 24. Athy moon over Kildare clergy training and University town. (8) 26. Tour, D.G., goes to Achill Island resort with safe bathing under Slievemore quartz mountain. (6) 28. Below prefix is far in dispersion. (5) 29. "It is almost a definition of a gentleman to say he is one who never inflicts ----." Cardinal Newman. (4) 33. Lyric poem sounds due. (3) 34. Like things grouped together in Port Laoise there. (3)
Grow Your Business!
Sudoku for Kids! Every row, column and minigrid must contain the numbers 1 through 4. Don’t guess use logic!
1
4
4
2 2
3 1
4
Call the Offaly Tatler today & Promote Your Business throughout Co Offaly. Phone 087-6258475 / 0504-51945 “Trying to do Business without Advertising is like winking at A girl in the dark. You know you’re doing it, but no one else does” Phone today to Book your ad, Tel: Fiona 087-6258475 Office 0504-51945 E: info@offalytatler.ie
Solution to crossword in last issue (No.14)
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Raheen GAA Club
Drumcullen GAA Club
LOTTO The numbers drawn in last Monday [21ST March] night’s Lotto were 07 14 27 28. There was No Jackpot Winner and 5 Match 3 Winners [Graham Cahill C/O High Chaparel; Mary Hinch C/O Dayna Hinch; Eoin & P J Corcoran C/O P J Corcoran; Neil Corcoran C/O P J Corcoran; Jimmy Feighery C/O Tullamore Hardware] [€40 Each] . Next weeks Jackpot is €2,200 with the draw taking place in Doyle’s, Killeigh on Monday 28th March.
SUBS: Niall Carthy (for Eamonn Stynes), Karol O’Byrne (for Paul Garry), Sean Gorman (for Niall Dempsey)
DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL LEAGUE Raheen Intermediate Footballers continued on from where they left off last week by making it 2 wins in a row in the Div 1 League campaign last Friday evening as they brushed aside the challenge of Gracefield Seniors in Gracefield on a scoreline of 0-14 to 0-05. Raheen hit the ground running from the start getting off the mark with the first 5 points without reply inside the first 10 minutes. Thereafter for the remaining 20 minutes of the half Raheen extended their lead with another 4 points as Gracefield opened their account with 2 points and so at the break Raheen held a comfortable lead of 0-09 to 0-02. The early stages of the second half saw Gracefield create a lot more opportunities but could not convert the chances into scores and by the 20 minute mark Raheen had made sure their would be no comeback as they tagged on another 4 points to Gracefield’s 2 points. The final 10 minutes saw both sides add just a single point apiece as Raheen saw out the game to claim the win and the 2 points to move up the league table. RAHEEN: Mark Byrne, Tommy Spollen, Liam Boland, Cathal Maher, Niall Leavy, Brian Kehoe, Brian Corcoran, Mark Gorman, Padraig Bracken, Keith Quinn, Damien Arnold, Shane Carroll, Brian Crombie, Paddy Rigney, Richie Reynolds. SUBS: Paddy Arnold (for Niall Leavy), Noel Gorman (for Mark Gorman), Garrett Garry (for Keith Quinn), Chris Floody (for Damien Arnold), Liam Guinan (for Brian Crombie).
DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL LEAGUE Raheen Intermediate Footballers continue their Division 1 League campaign this Friday evening (25 March) at 8:00pm as they take on Shamrocks in Geashill. All support would be appreciated.
Lotto: Numbers drawn were 7, 9, 21, 22. No jackpot winner. Next week's jackpot stands at €3,700. Six match 3 winners each receive €25. Catherine Troy; Jim Dooley; Meg Ryan; Kieran Dooley; Anne Dermody; Pauline Dooley. Promoters Prize Peadar Nugent. Sincere thanks to all who continue support the lotto.
DIVISION 4 FOOTBALL LEAGUE Raheen Junior Footballers also continue their Div 4 League campaign next Sunday morning (27 March) at 12 Noon as they take on neighbours Walsh Island in Walsh Island. All support would be appreciated.
Lotto Rota: Team 5, Peter Lyons' team, is on duty this Saturday. Field Rota: Team 5, Brendan Hynes' team, is on duty this week. Membership: Membership is now due. If they have not already
DIVISION 4 FOOTBALL LEAGUE Raheen Junior Footballers got back to winning ways as they earned their second win of their Div 4 League campaign against a strong Doon side in Geashill last Monday evening in a highly entertaining encounter on a full time score of 2-12 to 2-09. In a compelling first half the lead changed hands at least 6 times but at half time the sides were level 1-07 to 2-04. The decisive score came in the 4th minute of the second half when Richie Reynolds was on hand to dispatch Raheen’s second goal and edge Raheen in front for a lead that they would hold onto thereafter as both sides added 5 points apiece in the remainder of the half. RAHEEN: Eamonn Stynes, Paul Garry, Stephen Byrne, Shane Corcoran, Paddy Arnold, Declan Costello, Matthew O’Byrne, Noel Gorman, Colin McHugh (0-02), Niall Dempsey, Keith Quinn (1-00), Brian Crombie (0-01), Eoghan Bolton (0-05), Jack Keogh, Richie Reynolds (1-04).
DIVISION 3 HURLING LEAGUE Raheen Hurlers get their playing campaign for this year underway with their opening fixture of their Div 3 League campaign when they take on fellow parish neighbours Killeigh in Geashill on this Wednesday evening (23 March) at 8:00pm. All support would be appreciated.
U-21HC: The Drumcullen U-21 hurlers playing with Seir Kieran have advanced to the semi-final of the championship after a resounding 2-21 to 1-7 win over Tullamore. Division 1 HL: Drumcullen suffered defeat at the hands of a very strong Tullamore team in Rath on Sunday.
done so, players are asked to please get their membership paid without delay. Contact Eoin Lyons and John Brophy. Code of conduct: A club code of conduct and drugs/alcohol policy have recently been adopted. These apply to all members. A copy is available upon request from Club Secretary. Sympathy: Drumcullen GAA Club would like to offer deepest sympathies to the Ryan and Grimes families on the death of Sr Josephine Grimes. May she rest in peace. If anyone wants to add anything to the weekly notes, please e-mail the information to damian@offalyexpress.ie by 10pm on Sunday evenings.
Na Fianna GAA Football Club SOCIAL INITIATIVE Raheen GAA have along with a number of other GAA Clubs around the country joined up with a new Social Initiative being launched by Croke Park whereby various social outings will be organised for all members of the community and the surrounding areas. The first outing being organised by Raheen is a day trip to Croke Park including a Stadium Tour and Refreshments being served on Monday 04th April 2011. Coach transport will be provided with a small nominal charge applying. The outing is open to all members of the community (young and old) in the catchment area of Raheen GAA And also neighbouring clubs. For more information, to book your place or if you know anybody who may be interested in going please contact Pauric Pierce (087 6833535) or Eddie Kaye (086) 0757679 . O’CONNOR PARK DRAW The Annual O’Connor Park Fundraising Draw Tickets are now available from any committee member at €100 each. There are 3 monthly draws with a Prize Fund of €16,500. There is also a final draw with a prize fund of a New Car (Value €13,000) and €15,500. Your support would be much appreciated. MEMBERSHIP Members are asked to renew their membership as soon as possible. Subscriptions are Adults €30, Students/ OAP’s €15 & Non Playing Members €20. Payments can be given to Membership Officers Shane Carroll or Padraig Direen. New members are very welcome. FACEBOOK Check out the new Raheen GAA Facebook site which is full of interesting comments and information about the club including up to date fixture details.
U6, U8 & U10 FOOTBALL TRAINING Na Fianna U6, U8 & U10 Football Training begins for this year on Thursday 14 APRIL between 6 and 7pm in Geashill with Registration taking place at the training. All boys and girls in these age categories interested in playing football are invited to attend. U12 FOOTBALL TRAINING Na Fianna U12 Football Training starts for this year on next Monday
(28th March) at 6:30pm in Geashill with Registration taking place at the training. All boys and girls in the U12 age category interested in playing football are invited to attend. MEMBERSHIP Membership for club players has been fixed for the coming year at €15 for the first child and €10 for the second and subsequent child from each family. Membership can be paid to the relevant team managers when training re-commences.
Brosna Gaels Hurling Division 1 Hurling League Hurling for National School Children Brosna Gaels played Ballinamere in the Division 1 League on Sunday last in Ballycumber, coming out victorious on a scoreline of Brosna Gaels 3-24, Ballinamere 1-08 Brosna Gaels led at half time with points from Des Egan, Thomas Spain, Jason Devery, Richard Fox and Fergal Daly, at half time the score was Brosna Gaels 011, Ballinamere 1-06. Ballinamere scored two points in the second half with Brosna Gaels scoring 3-13 in the second half. The starting 15 were as follows: John Egan, Danny Kelleher, Glenn Halligan, Trevor Phelan, Barry Buckley, Chris McDonald, Joe Higgins, Sean Hackett (0-03), Des Egan (0-04), Jason Devery (1-04), Richard Fox (0-03), Thomas Spain (0-03), Fergal Daly (0-04), Kevin Lynam (0-01), Alan Lynam (1-02) Subsitutions: Karl Daly for Joe Higgins, John Egan for Richard Fox, Paul Kelly (1-0) for Fergal Daly, Ethan Keena for Sean Hackett
Indoor Hurling takes place in Ballinahown Hall on Tuesday evenings: U8's from 6:30 to 7:15pm and over 8's from 7:15 to 8pm & also in Ballycumber Hall on Thursday from 7 - 8:30pm. There will be a cost of 1 per child. Hurling commences in Pullough on Wednesday evening from 6-7pm on the pitch. Firewood Brosna Gaels are currently selling firewood, if anyone wishes to purchase a load of firewood, delivered direct to your door, please contact Mel on 086 3408427 Congratulations Congratulations to Don, Paula and the Carroll family on the arrival of their baby boy.
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