ANIMAL_DEC2011

Central Connecticut State University

December 2011

IT’S THE ANIMAL ISSUE! Awkward Animals,Velociraptors, Box Kittens, and MORE!

OFF-CENTER STAFF EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Jen Glifort ASSISTANT EDITORS Larry Clark Michael McClellan LAYOUT/PRE-PRESS Kasey Gordon COVER ART Kasey Gordon

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EXECUTIVE BOARD PRESIDENT Jen Glifort VICE PRESIDENT Michael McClellan TREASURER Alex Prague SECRETARY Jessica Dean PUBLIC RELATIONS Kasey Gordon Views expressed are not necessarily the views supported by Off-Center Magazine or CCSU.

CONTENTS CCSU

3. Letter From the Editor 4. Overheard In New Britain 5. CCSU Says: Summer Movies 6. Box Kittens 7. Free Flowing Hostility 8. Professor Profile: Dr. Jason Sikorski

General Interest 10. Ten Badass Animals 12. Thirteen Awkward Animals 14. Something Odd,Yet Familiar 15. March of the Happy Feet 17. Squirrel Stories 18. Stomp and Holler

Entertainment 20. Caption Contest Results 21. The Care And Feeding Of Your New Velociraptor 22. Why The Lion King Is F*cked Up 24. A Song About Ms. Tulip 25. Games Page: Animal Trivia 26. Texts From Last Night 27. Coming Next!

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS IN THIS ISSUE: Lillian Brabner, Larry Clark, Colleen Cordner, Clement Eneh, Kasey Gordon, Jackie Hennessey, Michael McClellan, Emma Ridzon, D.B. Whitman

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Hey again, readers! Because you’re holding an Off-Center Magazine in your eager (and, might I add, smooth and lovely) hands, I know that you’re an intelligent, open-minded, and fun-loving person.

This means that while you’re probably supposed to be studying for finals, you’ve decided to procrastinate instead. However, of all the procrastination tools out there—Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Tumblr, the news that you pretend you watch to impress your friends, that old rubber band ball you don’t remember making, a dust bunny under the desk that has reached Godzilla-terrorizing-Tokyo proportions, DVDs that clearly need to be alphabetized right this minute—you’ve chosen Off-Center as your method. I’m flattered, I truly am, and in return, the OCM team won’t let you down.

In case you couldn’t tell by the giant ape climbing Davidson on the cover (and my overweight cat, Fatts, taking up half of my picture), this is our Animal Issue! Because let’s face it, if you weren’t killing time by reading this magazine, you’d be looking up videos of a dog barking at the mirror or pictures of cats in sombreros (e-mail me if you need the links).That’s right, folks, you’ve hit the procrastination jackpot with this one. Inside you’ll find the top ten badass animals, the thirteen most awkward animals, a song about a Greyhound named Tulip, a how-to guide on caring for velociraptor eggs, two Squirrel Stories (one heartwarming, one cranky), and so much more.

What’s that you say? You’re upset because we didn’t include the story about your precious albino Chinchilla? Forlorn because you don’t see any articles about how to survive a tiger escape at the zoo? Well that, dear reader, is because you didn’t write it! Or, if you did, you didn’t send it in. All submissions are welcome. Your voice is the reason this magazine exists. In the same issue we have an article about how to figure out if your pet is a familiar and a piece on Slutwalk, in Northampton. You don’t have to stick to the theme of the issue, you don’t have to go to the library and research your article, you barely even have to stick to the English language (seriously, if you write it, I’ll find a translator).

That being said, I hope to hear from you soon! Whether you’d like to write about your pet, your lifestyle, your opinion, your experiences, or just give some feedback on the ‘zine, we all want to hear your voice.

Good luck on your finals and enjoy the magazine!

-Jen

Jen Glifort

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OVERHEARD IN NEW BRITAIN: Strange Things Our Instructors Say...

compiled by Jen Glifort All my kids’ll learn in a Catholic daycare is that gays are subhuman and women can’t wield the magic voodoo power or whatever, so I send them to daycare at a synagogue with a lesbian lady-rabbi. Who knows, maybe they’ll pick something up.

(c) 2007 Piotr Lewandowski

those words that makes you sound like the biggest dork in the world.You know what it means? Good. Sounds like something you’d find in a frog aquarium.

Transformers: sideboards in disguise.

No one actually climbs a staircase and at the end gets a medal that says “You’re a Terrorist”.

So he said, “I’m gonna fry me up a retarded person” and just waived the death penalty on through. Politicians are messed up.

These group-challenged people; get their phone number, their zodiac sign, their pigeon, whatever you need to get in contact!

People never get to the point. Don’t write, “Boy, 14, babysat by girl, 20, engaged in affair in the town of—” Shut up! “Babysitter doinked kid.” But don’t say “doinked.”

Covering stories out of state is the best. What is it, a hundred miles to New York? Tell them it took five hundred, since you get paid extra per mile. Say you got lost.

Now, this is just to get tongues moving…uh, in speech. Uh. Oh geez.

Obviously you’re not going to leave them there all winter, or your cows will be covered in snow!

You live in the mountains and eat cheese all the time - why would you leave?

You get to rock back as a kid because you’re weak!

All religions are guilt with different holidays.

I don’t think that aspect of your life is necessarily pathetic, just probably pathetic.

It was like this hippie fest with lots of drugs. Not that that’s bad.

Lots of good drugs out there…No, I’m just kidding.

If you wanted an ordinary person to teach this class I was not a good selection.

Our God doesn’t exist anymore because you cut him down.

More caffeine needed to make me into a physicist.

Oh, now I control the tectonic plates. Didn’t know I had that power.

Not a king, just a bigmouth.

We think of manly men in the backyard, dirty, digging holes, punching bears; gentlemen were like we don’t want to be near any bears! Modern gentlemen would be like we will pay you to take us bear punching.

You don’t know whether I’m really strange or if this is a melodramatic device.

“We were able to get a statement—” Congratu-fuckin-lations!

It’s your job to get a statement! What do you want, a cookie?

Why could men tilt but not recline?

Did you just say “tertiary?” Don’t say “tertiary.” That’s one of

It’s the short ones that worry me.

And that’s why you don’t dress your children up as squirrels.

Go to Scotland and be annoying to someone else.

Queen Elizabeth was famous for raising Chihuahuas. Oh wait, I mean King Charles cavaliers.

We don’t need sleep and we don’t need glasses — all we need is a map.

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CCSU SAYS: We surveyed YOU at the Club Fair to find out what CCSU’s favorite animals and pets are, and we got some interesting answers.

compiled by Larry Clark

FAVORITE ANIMALS

PETS WE HAVE

Dog Hummingbird Jaguar Cat Fox Squirrel Midget Rainbow-Winged Giraffe Penguin Unicorn Tiger Dolphin

Dog Cat Fish Goat Ferret Invisible Ones

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BOX KITTENS: OR, WHY YOU SHOULD JOIN A MEDIA CLUB

by Kasey Gordon In Connecticut, the weather is intensely dreary, and as I hear, good ol’ Mother Nature decided to dump the cold white stuff on us early this year. I am only seeing this from friends who are freaking out on Facebook or Twitter because I’m not actually in Connecticut right now. I’m in Orlando.Yes, I’m in Florida while it’s Christmas in October in New England . It’s in the 80’s to 90’s and it’s sunny and beautiful. I’m not here on vacation just for fun and games though. I’m here for the Associated College Press and College Media Association’s annual conference, held this October at the Renaissance Sea World hotel. I’m not here to brag or make fun of you guys while you’re snowed in and I’m sitting poolside with a cup of iced tea . I’m here to be real and honest about why it’s an extremely good idea to get involved with a media organization on campus while you’re still in college.

There are several perks to being a member of one of the four media clubs at Central. The first is that you have instant friends.

Veteran members are excited that you want to be a part of their organization and will do the best they can to make you feel welcomed and included. Another benefit is that you will get actual experience doing actual work for an actual publication that people actually read. Whether you’re reporting forTthe Recorder, hosting a radio show for 107.7 WFCS, creating poetry for the Helix, or writing whatever you want to for Off-Center, your message is getting out there. At least one person is reading it and “listening.” For us Off-Center folks (and I assume the feeling is similar for the Recorder and Helix staff), it’s exciting to watch that white van pull up to the Student Center circle and see the delivery man take ten boxes from the back, knowing that in those boxes are the fruits of your hard work and sleepless nights. It’s like watching a litter of kittens being born…but not as gross. The magazine box-kittens are just the cutest darn things, and you want to show the world how freakin’ cute they are. It just makes me so proud to walk through the Student Center, or anywhere else on campus for that matter, and see someone with a copy of the magazine.

When you are thinking about joining one of the media clubs at CCSU, it may not seem like it, but you are two steps away from being given a world of exciting opportunities. I’m not a writer. In fact, I don’t even like writing. I just make things look pretty. I’m telling you this because you don’t NEED to be an English or Journalism major to write for a campus publication.You don’t have

to be a Graphic Design or Art major to do layout in order to have your stuff published or broadcasted.You could be a Geology major with a passion for rock music and host a show on WFCS. Folks, this whole campus is your oyster. Find something you like to do, and DO IT. If you want a job in your major-related field (or some other one), practice the skills you need for it . I’m going to sound like my father here when I say that you should find an internship, or summer job (or “real” job for that matter), and to network like there’s no tomorrow. It’s so much easier said than done, especially if you’re a little socially awkward like I am.

I’ve been doing the layout for Off-Center for about a year now and the experience taught me more things about my major (Graphic Design) than I have ever learned while sitting in the classroom. I know it’s cliché, but it’s true, and I think anyone else involved with a media club would agree. The best thing, other than working with new friends, is the conferences--with the awesome workshops, the slew of other like-minded college students from across the country, and of course, the beautiful weather at amazing conferences.

Kasey Gordon

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free-flowing Y T I L I T S O H

took on a project to help feed people in Alaska because, for some reason, all their cows and goats kept freezing or starving to death on the arctic tundra. To promote the idea of turning Alaskans into deer herders, a reindeer parade was held in cities across the country—lead, inexplicably, by a man dressed up in a Santa suit. Companies (read: Coca Cola and Disney) knew an advertising campaign when they saw one and were quick to slap Santa-snuggling reindeer into existing holiday ads.

But why the flying? Some argue this connects the myth of Santa Claus with an old Inuit folk tale; others believe one loudmouthed Alaskan deer herder had a little too much spiked eggnog.Yet another explanation involves the reindeer’s favorite food: allegedly, a hallucinogenic mushroom that typically convinces the humans who ingest it that they are capable of flight. Some reindeer herders go so far as to drink deer urine to get high. When high herders wake up in a snowy white field surrounded by reindeer and believe they are flying, it’s not so far a stretch to believe the deer must be flying, too. Source of the reindeer: intoxication. Sorry to ruin your holiday… or improve it, depending.

Charlie Balch

THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT: HEARTFELT PLAGIARISM Ah, Christmas; the holiday dedicated to spending time with people you don’t really like, buying them gifts they don’t really need, and graciously accepting millions of greeting cards and fruitcakes you don’t really want. Natural aversion to rabid Christianity aside, WHAT is the POINT of making out under a dead plant, and HOW do flying reindeer connect to that selfless love feed-the-poor mumbo jumbo that sweet hippie in the skirt talked about before angry civilians heartlessly nailed him to a tree? Could it POSSIBLY be that the majority of Christmas traditions have nothing to do with Christianity and everything to do beating the natives into submission—a tactic more simply put as, “convert or die”?

Consider: Christmas is supposedly celebrated on the birthday of Jesus Christ. Questions about a newborn’s ability to survive in a straw bed and threadbare blanket in a pre-global-warming December aside (I know, I know, he wasn’t born in post-Alfredolyptic New England), let’s consider the date of the 25th of December for TWO SECONDS. Moment one: has anyone else noticed that the 25th is really close to the date of the winter solstice, on which the Pagans celebrated the winter-welcoming holiday of Yule? THAT’S WEIRD. Moment two: Hanukkah, or Chanukah (there’s an entirely separate article for you), may seem to fall arbitrarily near Christmas every year, but it is actually celebrated on the 25th of the Jewish month Kislev. Magic number, or stolen calendar?

I haven’t forgotten the dead plant; do you know where the tradition of kissing under mistletoe REALLY came from? No one else does either, but rumor has it that this is also a Pagan throwback to a traditional admiration of a plant that grew entirely from another plant’s trunk instead of the ground; hanging mistletoe was supposed to bless a home with perseverance, and kissing under it hence brought this hardiness to the kissing couple. There is also a Norse legend about some god’s crazy mother making everything on the ground and in the sky promise not to kill him, only to be killed by the liminal mistletoe, but then, the Norse folk chased dragons and wore cow horns on their heads, so who knows?

I know, I know; what would Jesus think of all this season-hating, copyright-exploring ranting against the dear people who idolize his love by hating everyone different from them. I’ll tell you one thing—he would NOT be impressed by the hero-worshipping of a fat magic man who breaks into houses, steals other culture’s traditions, and is bribed away from your sleeping family by a few pounds of processed sugar.

There’s a whole multitude of Christmas traditions that trace their roots back to other religions, but there are also those that just make no damn sense whatsoever. Take, for example, the flying reindeer. Before reindeer happily roamed the North Pole, which is clearly where Santa lives in comfort and joy, the US government

Stephanie Berghaeuser

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TEACHER PROFILE: Dr. Jason Sikorski (Psychology)

by Jackie Hennessey “Everyone, find a partner,” my professor says after a short introduction to his new Psychology class. The class pairs up, most of them eager for the experiment he is about to conduct. I am with a boy I’ve never met before, but I listen to Dr. Sikorski’s instructions as he has us close our eyes and think about an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend we’ve had. I’ve got mine picked out— we haven’t spoken for several months and our status is less than civil. “Think of a word to describe that person,” the professor urges. Several students laugh to themselves, but are told to stick with whatever word they first thought of. Using a marker, we each write our words on our forearms. We then face our partner, put our palms together, and chant along with the professor in efforts to use the power of Psychology to transfer the word from our minds to theirs. Our guesses are wrong, and we soon realize how stupid we’ve looked for the past ten minutes. The point of the experiment is to see who questions the professor’s directions. No one does. I look down at my arm and run my fingers over the word “ASSHOLE” written in bold Sharpie as he says, “That’s permanent marker, have fun in your next class.”

Dr. Sikorski made an awesome impression on me from the beginning—he was interactive, humorous, and down to earth—even if he caused me a lot of awkward glances after that first day of class.

Dr. Sikorski is in his fourth year teaching at Central.

Before teaching, Dr. J, as we more casually call him, worked in the field of Psychology at an in-patient psychiatric unit assessing, diagnosing, and coming up with treatment plans for troubled youth. When I asked him why he switched to teaching he responded, “Teaching is my favorite thing, and being around students is my favorite thing. I just enjoy talking to students about topics that are very interesting. My job is easy for me—it’s the outside stuff that’s hard.”

Kasey Gordon

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As passionate about Psychology as Dr. J is, he didn’t start off with a real interest in the field. Dr. J says his interest in studying Psychology began after a friend of his committed suicide. He said he truly wanted to explore what could drive a person to that point. Studying the human mind can be an amazing experience. “I think it’s cool to think about why people do the things that they do,” he says. Also, the way you view things in Psychology is always changing. “My job is never the same each day. It’s always different because each person is different. The best thing about teaching is I get to talk about things with students. I just like talking to students because they have really good ideas. It’s not uncommon for students to say something that makes me rethink what I think—which is cool.”

“I like this place because I have a lot of respect for the students here.”

Dr. Sikorski’s connection with his students is genuine. In addition to being a stellar academic advisor he is the faculty advisor for the Psychology Club on campus. When I ask him how the club is going, he boasts, “Great! The students in the Psych. club are very dedicated. They’re interested in giving back to the university, and the Psychology club membership has quadrupled in the last few years, and that’s because of the hard work of the students.”

When asked about the downsides of teaching, Dr. Sikorski could only comment with concerns for students: “I wish that students didn’t have to work as well as go to school, but that’s not reasonable. I think that the students here at CCSU are amongst the hardest working students I’ve come across.Very often they have to work, take classes, and do internships at the same time.

I like this place because I have a lot of respect for the students here.”

In addition to work within the Psychology Club, Dr. Sikorski has proven himself a supportive member of the entire student body.

During Pride’s last spring drag ball, they held a fundraiser for the Jim Collins foundation during which Dr. Sikorski volunteered to dress in drag in order to help raise money. Not only did Pride reach their goal, they exceeded it and had an amazing night seeing some of their supportive professors in drag. Dr. Sikorski also promotes events such as the Women’s Center’s “Take Back the Night” in his classes and is always willing to go the extra mile for advisees.

Taking an active-perspective on life is what Dr. Sikorski is all about—he is involved, interested, and passionate in the classroom and out of it because that’s what it’s all about for him.

“Being a passive-recipient to life sucks. Screwin’ with life is fun!”

TIPS FROM DR. J 1. Do not accept research findings and things that people say without thinking about them.

2. Do your best to outwork everyone else.

3. Learn how much fun learning can be.

4. Get involved with faculty research (for example,

with me!) In exchange, you’ll get credit for presentations and even publications in psychology.

It is his belief that those willing to work tediously, learn from prior mistakes, and involve themselves actively in learning throughout the lifespan have an important advantage over those who passively receive what life has to offer.

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Archer fish Our second true fish on this list, the archerfish’s claim to badassdom is its ability to shoot prey down by spitting at it. The archerfish has particularly good eyesight, and its eyes are even able to compensate for the refraction of light through water, allowing it to accurately see out of the water from under the surface. When it spots its prey, typically an insect, it will come up to the surface so that its lips are out of the water, take aim, and then squirt a jet of water at its target, with an effective range of up to about nine feet. The archerfish is remarkably accurate – most often, the prey will fall down into the water, though if the archerfish is unsuccessful at first, it will try, try again. The craziest thing is that this spitting is not instinctive – young archerfish must learn from experience how to hunt this way, and get progressively better as they get older.

10 BADASS ANIMALS

by Michael McClellan I now present a woefully biased and unabashedly subjective list of the ten animals I feel qualify as “most badass.” You’ll notice that there are no mammals on this list. While mammals are indeed animals, they are such a woefully small percentage of the total animal biodiversity, that even the most badass mammal can’t compete with the rest of the animal kingdom. Big fish in a small pond and all that jazz, pun intended. So if you were expecting to see more furry things, then my editor should have assigned me the Top Ten Badass Mammals. Perhaps next time.

Electric Eel While electricity is now commonplace in our world where light is produced at the flick of a switch, humanity’s controlled use of electricity is barely a century old. But the electric eel has long been able to harness nature’s fury. Found in South American rivers, it is technically not an eel, but a knifefish, and is able to produce electrical discharges over a range of voltages, the higher end of which is enough to kill an adult human.

While its knifefish cousins use electricity-producing organs to sense their surroundings, and perhaps even communicate, the electric eel is unique in this group in its ability to actually stun and even kill prey with its electrical discharges, generating up to five hundred volts in one shock.

Liver fluke The weirdest one on this list, the liver fluke is a flatworm, which, just like it sounds, is a type of flat worm. Now try to follow along – this can get complicated. First, the eggs of the fluke are eaten by a snail. These eggs, inside the snail, develop into larvae, which leave the snail and seek a new host – a freshwater fish. These larvae then dig in to the fish, and wait for the fish to be eaten by a human. When this happens, the larvae then pass from the human’s stomach into the liver, where they mature, and eat the bile produced by the human, preventing it from digesting properly. The adult fluke then lays eggs of its own, which are pooped out by the human, to be eaten by more snails. This bizarre life cycle is just one example of many; there are around 20,000 fluke species, each of which parasitizes a different animal. The liver fluke acts as a synecdoche for all flukes, representing them all for their fucked-up badassery.

Argentine Blue-bill Prudes, beware! Our next entry’s claim to badassdom comes from the nether regions: the Argentine Blue-bill boasts the largest penis of any animal in relation to its body size. While most birds do not have penises, possessing instead an all-purpose reproductive and waste disposing opening called a cloaca, waterfowl such as ducks do have erectile genitalia. The blue-bill here has a corkscrew-shaped penis, and even more bizarre is that the female’s vagina is also corkscrew-shaped, but in the opposite direction, which allows the female to prevent unwanted coitus. While ducks can perhaps be thought of as boring, this sexual marvel brings the blue-bill from blah to badass.

Photo Credits: Hagfish: Benjamin Cummings, Argentine Blue-Bill: Bukisa.com, Electric Eel: aqua.org, Peregrine Falcon: UCSC Natural Reserves, Praying Mantis: foolery.typepad.com, Sponge: trekearth.com, Octopus: dimensionsguide.com, Liver Fluke: Udo M. Savalli, Archer Fish: keysboroughaquarium.com.au

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Sponge Our final entry may seem unlikely, but I have my reasons. The most primitive animals on Earth, the sponges some five to ten thousand species. The sponge is barely even a multicellular organism – it is essentially a colony of cells stacked together for mutual benefit which happen to have the same genetic code. The body of the sponge is widely variable, with no two individuals looking alike. Sponges were originally harvested and used as, well, sponges, and are still used as such today, though they have largely been replaced by synthetic materials. But a strange thing happens if you put a sponge in a blender.

If gently blended, that is, just enough to break it up entirely, but not enough to destroy the individual cells, then poured back into water, the sponge will reassemble in exactly the same order it was in before. And that is why the sponge is one badass animal.

Praying Mantis

Peregrine Falcon This bird of prey is found worldwide, and was considered a symbol of royalty in Medieval times. Its claim to badassdom is its astounding speed, which can exceed two hundred miles per hour. When it hunts, it soars high above, then dives suddenly down upon an unsuspecting bird in flight, typically a pigeon, songbird or waterfowl. The extreme velocity of this dive has caused this species to evolve certain adaptations to the extraordinary wind pressure created. Small bony protrusions direct air away from the nostrils, so as not to damage its lungs, and a set of clear eyelids, called nictitating membranes, keeps the falcon’s eyes clear during flight. Because of this extreme celerity, it was often, and still is, used in hunting, in the discipline called falconry.

During the 1970’s, peregrine falcon populations declined, due to the use of pesticides such as DDT, but regulation of these chemicals, and reintroduction programs, have allowed for this beautiful bird to once again soar freely.

Scorpion Another large group, there are over 1700 different species of scorpion. Besides simply looking awesome, the scorpion also has the famous venomous stinger at the end of its tail. While this looks threatening, only 25 species carry a powerful enough venom to kill a human. While scorpions will glow pretty colors under ultraviolet light, most species dislike bright light, and are nocturnal. All species of scorpion are also viviparous; that is, they bear live young, like mammals, rather than laying eggs, like most other arthropods.

Scorpions will then carry their young on their back to protect them. At first, these young do not glow under ultraviolet light, but will begin to do so as they age. Scorpions are also eaten in many cultures, and wine made with scorpions is thought to relieve pain in traditional Chinese medicine.

Octopus

This is the first species I don’t really have objective evidence for badassery. I just think it looks really cool.

But there’s still much to love here. Besides being Connecticut’s state insect (despite originating from southern Europe), the Praying Mantis, and mantises in general, have evolved very good camouflage. The Praying Mantis blends right in with the green leaves it spends most of its time on, and one species of mantis has even evolved to look just like an ant in its juvenile form. However, the idea that female mantises eat males after coitus is mainly urban myth.

In captivity, such sexual cannibalism will occur often, but this is now thought to be due to the stress and confusion of being in captivity. Mantises in the wild will very rarely eat their sex partners.

Hagfish One of the more repugnant creatures on this list, the hagfish nonetheless qualifies for badassness. The most primitive animals to have a skull, not even possessing a backbone, these slippery marine animals are able to tie themselves into knots. This helps them tear flesh from their prey; since they lack jaws, they are unable to bite, so they instead latch on to their prey with their teeth, tie themselves into a knot, then slide the knot down to their head, until they are able to slip their head through the knot, pulling a sizable chunk of flesh with it. But this isn’t even the best part. All along the hagfish’s body are glands which, under stress, will produce copious amounts of slimy mucus, which expands in water. Very adhesive, and with a consistency not unlike Silly Putty, this will stick to any would-be predators, allowing the hagfish to slip away. In some countries, such as Japan, hagfish is even used in cuisine, and in some parts of Korea, hagfish are sometimes kept in captivity, under stress, so as to produce slime, which is used much like egg whites in other parts of the world.

The first true invertebrate on our list, the octopus is also probably the broadest label given as well, describing about three hundred different species. While all octopuses are, in general, more intelligent than other invertebrates, the common octopus, Octopus vulgaris, is especially renowned for its brainpower. The common octopus is able to open jars it knows have food inside, and has been known to escape from tanks, to squirt water to sabotage electrical devices, and one specimen was even observed to sneak up on, catch, and kill sharks kept in the same aquarium. When predicting the future evolution of life on Earth in the far future, it is often the octopus which is expected to gain sentience and perhaps replace humanity as the dominant species on the planet.

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by D.B.Whitman

awkward animals

We all have awkward animal stories, but what about animals that are already awkward in their own right? Like awkward turtles, weird things can be created or born. There’s a Greek Tortoise in Geneva that is named Janus. He is obviously named after the Roman two-headed god. Other oddities are less obvious than these, or some that aren’t even related to one mutation.

1. Fisher cat. Ever heard of one? Maybe not, but I’m

sure you’ve heard their scream. They’re nocturnal so you rarely see them in the day time. Once night falls, and their mating rituals begin, they scream out to each other sounding like a woman being murdered. Now do you understand how you’ve heard them before?

2. Sloth. You’ve heard people called a sloth before,

but the animal itself is actually a lot worse. It moves so slowly that it actually grows moss on its body, while hanging upside down on just three toes. Plus it looks like it’s perpetually smiling.

4. Pink Fairy Armadillo. You know, I’ve imag-

ined a lot about what fairy/faeries would look like because of movies, but I haven’t once thought it would look like an armadillo. Sure it’s pink-ish, on the back shell, but who would call it a fairy? Armadillos are rather awkward; looking like a medieval suit of armor is attached to it, and able to curl into a ball to keep from being attacked.

Genius idea, but really weird.

5. Self Cloning Lizard. From the looks of it, 3. Tapir. It kind of looks like a horse, pig, and

anteater (awkward on its own) got meshed together. To me it feels like I’m in 6th grade again, watching an episode of Pokémon. “I choose you, Tapir! Sneezing trunk attack!” You know you miss those days.

you would think it’s just a regular lizard. However, under the surface and in its body lies a mystery. As its name says this is a lizard that doesn’t need a male to reproduce. In fact, the whole species is female. I bet there are tons of women out there who wish that was true for humans.

6. Blobfish. Never seen one before? Well it basically looks as it sounds. Sort of like a sad old man, looking for sympathy. They’re actually deep sea fish, which would explain the sunken face.

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7. PlatypuS.

11.

If a duck and a beaver mated (who says they didn’t?) then you would have a platypus. No not the beanie baby--the mammal that lives around Eastern Australia. And strangely for a mammal, the platypus lays eggs. Just watch out for the spur on the heel; it’s poisonous, and CCSU doesn’t need any of that.

8. Aye-Aye. Try to imagine a mix of a bat and a

newborn puppy… with really long fingers. I know, I can barely picture it either, but it is quite the awkward animal. They’re actually a type of lemur and live in Madagascar (didn’t we all love that movie?). It uses a really narrow and almost skeletal middle finger to dig bugs out of trees. Only one other animal in the world does this., so just imagine a primate searching for food like a woodpecker.

9. Angler fish. Any of you watch Finding Nemo

before? How about that creepy fish that tries to eat Marlin and Dori? Well this is what it’s called. It has it has its own flashlight built right in. No AA batteries needed.

Just watch out for the wicked sharp teeth.

10.

Ninja Slug. No it doesn’t hang from the ceiling and attack you with Samurai swords. Well, sort of.

What it does have are darts that come out and hit its prey. Not prey to kill and consumer, either. No, this is really more like a love potion #9. I don’t think this will start taking the place of Cupid any time soon.

12.

Coelacanth - This is actually a prehistoric fish that has somehow found its way to live 65 million years later than its cohorts, the dinosaurs. It has to be like the cockroach of the fish world. And they’re far from being small. They can grow to be as much as 175 lbs on average.

13. Narwhal “ Narwhals Narwhals swimming in the ocean

Pretty big and pretty White…

Like an underwater Unicorn

They got a kickass facial horn!”

Who hasn’t seen the video to this song? More often some people really think it was a made up animal just for fun. Their horn is really more of a big enlarged tooth, still not as awesome as a unicorn (they’re real I tell you), but a close second.

Yoda Bat. Yes it’s a real thing, and actually recently discovered; hence the name comparing it to a Star Wars character. And to be honest, its ears are what set it out from the rest, being large and green-hued.

Photo Credits: Fisher Cat: William Kramer, Sloth: squidoo.com, Tapir: zooborns.com, Pink Fairy Armadillo: Mariella Superina, Blobfish: telegraph.co.uk, Narwhal: harvard.edu, all others are from National Geographic

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Jason Ammons

by Clement Eneh Having never had any pets or animals of my own (other than the standard 5th grade goldfish who ate her young) I am, perhaps, ill-equipped to write this article. However, what I lack in know-how of ordinary animals, I’ve more than made up for in the last few weeks with my knowledge of “familiars.”

Familiar Spirits are a common part of Early European myth.

They were seen beside witches, psychics, Wiseman or Wisewomen, and thought to be a kind of magical and spiritual companion to aid them in their bidding. Those of you who remember the 90’s have all seen Sabrina and her black cat with the punchy one-liners. With Halloween having just passed it got me wondering, are familiars here today? Could that adorable household kitty be a spirit from the nether realm? Not likely, but there are other animals besides cats who make the list of potential familiars like dogs, frogs, toads, snakes, and birds.

I know for a fact freshman Clare Kiley shares a very heartfelt and intimate relationship with her dog Kulombo, and when faced with the question of familiar spirits, I went to her first.

“I love my dog, but I don’t think he has any magic powers…well aside from being adorable,” said Clare. When asked whether she’d felt protected by him, her answer was different.

“He’s a pretty big dog and he definitely keeps creeps away. In that way he does look out for me for sure.”

1.

Talk to it, if it talks back, something’s clearly amiss

2. Leave him in another state. If he finds you then you must be attached.

3.

Don’t feed it. If he can go a week or two without food then he’s immortal and you save decades-worth of money at Petco.

4.

Attach an addressed note/letter of some sort to its legs, wing, or paw…This one doesn’t need explaining; you’ve all seen Harry Potter before.

5.

Put a picture of an enemy in front of its face, if it hisses at it, it’s on your side.

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March of the Happy Feet

by D.B.Whitman Anyone who knows me knows I love penguins. Some call it a little obsessive (who doesn’t have their favorite thing as the wallpaper of their laptop… which they’re currently writing about…): that might be from all the penguin stuff I have in my room. At least 90% of that was given to me as gifts, I swear! The point of all this is to tell you just how awesome these creatures are. So here are some bullet points that will blow your mind - well maybe not blow it, but maybe you can win a trivia game with it.

Penguins are monogamous

° Lifelong partners- like humans (in general, not including Britney spears), they mate for life.

° They make nests with their partner forever- some penguins have been known to go into a depression if they are not able to produce babies, even going as far as taking someone else’s - so a bad version of adoption?

Penguins don’t follow gender norms

° Black & white tuxes - don’t they look all fancy. All dressed up and nowhere to go.

° Homosexual tendencies - they also have life partners that can be of the same sex.

° Males watch the egg, females hunt for food. All while it’s blistering cold out. That’s determination.

Penguins defy bird norms

° Don’t fly, but swim in the water. And they’re fast little things too--able to swim 15 miles per hour.

° Fat covering their bodies - the blubber allows penguins to stay cozy and insulated.

° Eat seafood, not bugs - they eat things like squid and other yummy delicacies that aren’t worms.

Random facts

° Over 11 different species, on over 4 continents - they get around.

° Over 20 movies that have penguins in them- including Fight Club, 50 First Dates, and of course Happy Feet (new one is out November 19th!).

° They’re part of an ancient lineage from over 40 million years ago. Bet you aren’t that old.

° They aren’t only from the cold Antarctic: some live near New Zealand and South America. So some like it hot and some like it cold.

They love ice and water

°

° Slide around, don’t jump. I mean, can you jump without any real knees?

° Can leap over 6 feet in the air from the water. That’s like you jumping more than 20 feet.

° Coming from the water doesn’t count as jumping; it’s more like jet propulsion.

° Their feathers can open and close to feel the cold or stay warm. Got to keep with the weather somehow, and look pretty while doing it. nationalgeographic.com

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SQUIRREL STORIES! Let’s face it, everyone has one...

by Emma Ridzon

Throughout my 4 years at Central there was always this one particular squirrel I would see on campus. I knew it was always the same squirrel because it had a white patch on its right back leg. I would see him all over campus, outside my residence hall, around the café, outside the Student Center, and even in the trees near Willard all the way across campus.

He was everywhere I went! After seeing him in various places all over campus I started to think that maybe this squirrel was more than just your average squirrel. As a believer of spirituality and reincarnation, I thought that maybe the squirrel was my grandmother who I had lost just before coming to college, who knows? Maybe she thought the best way to keep an eye on her freshman granddaughter was through the eyes of a mischievous, spry squirrel. Or maybe the squirrel was my academic muse, giving me the strength I needed to get through the 8am classes, endless papers, and countless all-nighters. To my closest friends and family members ( those who wouldn’t call me crazy) he became known as my squirrel friend. Whoever or whatever he was, he stayed close throughout my years. I probably spotted him 3 or 4 times a week. I’m sure he watched as I got accepted into the Education program and received my RA position. He probably even saw me on the late night walks back from Elmer’s.

So this past year started out the same. I saw my squirrel friend often throughout the first semester. I didn’t see him during the long harsh winter, and even began to miss him. During the spring and warm weather, I was talking about how excited I was that the squirrels were back out on campus. I was telling a few friends in my class about Squirrel Friend, and I explained how often I saw him and his cute little white spot on his right back leg. One of the girls who, embarrassingly, I didn’t know that well, just started laughing. I figured she knew my squirrel friend too! Instead, I listened as she started telling me about a science class on campus that builds contraptions to catch the poor little squirrel friends and mark them with cute little white spots for tracking or something. So, it turns out a majority of the squirrels on campus each share this white spot. How had I not thought of this? The possibility of an abundance of spotted squirrels never even crossed my mind. Whether true or not, I started looking around campus and many squirrels shared these same white spots. The squirrel friend I once knew and loved, who gave me comfort throughout my 4 years, was more like an army of branded-CCSU-experiment squirrels.

Needless to say I was shocked and somewhat disappointed, but I won’t give up on my squirrel friend. I know he lives in each of these white spotted squirrels on campus. Whether they are

Kasey Gordon

reincarnated loved ones watching and guiding us during our messy college years or academic muses pushing us through the hectic semesters, these squirrels all have a special place in hearts here at CCSU. Maybe someday we’ll all come back and be the squirrel friends for future CCSU students. In the end, I guess we’re all a little nuts.

TROLL SQUIRREL

Larry Clark

One day, I’m driving back from the mall and I pull into Copernicus Garage. I always go in the side by the police station because I’ve had better luck finding good parking there (if my spot is missing I blame you). Anyways, I see one of those damned demon squirrels on the sidewalk and slow down my car. The whole time thinking, “Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it don’t do it.” Of course this witty, so very witty, squirrel sprints at the road, causing me to slam on the brakes so I don’t kill him/her/it. I pause and begin looking around for said squirrel. Eventually I look back to the sidewalk where I see the shifty fucker sprinting for the closest tree. I’d like to say there’s something more meaningful here, but there isn’t, so I leave you with this one tidbit of wisdom, “Fuck Squirrels.”

Got a squirrel story you want to share?

Send it to

OFFCENTERMAGAZINE@YAHOO.COM! Next month, we’ll be printing the collected stories of CCSU students!

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WORLD POLITICS BEAT

by Michael McClellan

Does anyone in this country actually pay attention to world news anymore? No, I thought not. It’s all Rick Perry this, and Mitt Romney that, and Obama did what now? Nonetheless, I shall take it upon myself to discuss and perhaps enlighten with regards to world events. Seeing as how this magazine only prints a couple times per semester, it would be silly to focus in on flash in the pan events that no one will remember a month later – I’ll be talking about, and registering my opinion on, broad political trends on the world stage.

Let’s start with the Arab Spring. While probably none of you were born then, the name of this trend is meant to evoke the Prague Spring, a movement in Czechoslovakia in 1968 which sought to promote individual liberty and the democratic process, despite being under Soviet control. While the Soviets eventually squished the Prague Spring under their collective thumb, the Arab Spring seems, so far, to have been more successful. But has it been?

So far, three rulers have fallen – President Ben Ali of Tunisia, President Mubarak of Egypt, and most recently Colonel Qaddafi of Libya. All three of these led autocratic regimes which infringed the basic rights of the people they governed. Similar leaders still hold on to power elsewhere in the Middle East. But despite their life-choking grip on their respective countries, these dictators nevertheless tried to secularize and Westernize the nations under their power. That is not to say that the Tunisians, Egyptians, and Libyans were better off with their autocrats – they most assuredly were not. But with a power vacuum now floating about, practically anything could be sucked in. One need only look at history to see what can happen in such cases. The French and Russian revolutions, while ridding their countries of horrible totalitarian monarchs, brought down upon their nations periods in their history which are looked upon as the most horrible – the Reign of Terror in France, and the rule of Stalin in Russia. More recently, the Iranian revolution, while deposing a horrid autocratic shah, thrust into power in its place a theocratic regime that to do this day represses its people in ways the shah never would have.

nasa.gov

One might argue that, having grown up in a secular, Western society, I’m biased towards this particular system, and that may be true. It’s also true that this argument has been made many times before, by figures ranging from rational to raving. But that doesn’t mean the topic isn’t still worthy of discussion.

Look at Iraq: our invasion deposed a loathsome dictator, but the country has been in chaos ever since. Perhaps because the Tunisians, Egyptians, and Libyans (for the most part) fought their own battles, things will turn out differently. But the French and the Russians and the Iranians fought all of their own battles as well. As the days progress, I hope it is Iran that these countries observe and remember.

I hope Iran serves as a warning to what newly freed nations can do to themselves through the power of democracy. Tunisia’s newly democratic elections favored an Islamist party; though this group has announced plans to form a coalition with two secular groups, we should still pay close attention to what goes on. The leader of Libya’s Transitional Council has echoed similar desires to found his government on Islamic principles. I have this to say to Tunisia, Egypt, and Libya: you three have done amazing things for yourselves in ridding yourselves of your autocrats, and it is your prerogative to choose how to govern yourselves. But though you may wish to return to the fundamentals of your religion and reject Western secular ideas as foreign and unwanted, be warned that it is the West, it is secularism which is the center of the world stage. Countries like the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, France, Japan and Germany, all secular, Western (or Westernized) countries, dominate the world politically, militarily, and economically. So Tunisia, Egypt, and Libya: if you want to be relevant, if you want to be taken seriously, it is the way of the West that you must take.

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“It is never your fucking fault!” she screamed. Taylor Shiloh Kall stood on the steps of Northampton Town Hall in a short skirt, exposing several bruises on her legs, baring her soul as she told her story. “Say it with me,” she urged, her inspirational speech capturing the attention of nearly a thousand supporters below her.

“It is never your fucking fault!” the crowd yelled back.

What prompted Taylor’s bold statement was the same thing that brought us all here—the Toronto police officer that stated women “should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized,” as well as other insensitive statements made by those who shame or blame victims of sexual violence. Today, we “sluts” band together.

The day began in a small park next to an elementary school in Northampton, Massachusetts. Slowly, people gathered as old cardboard boxes were transformed into protest signs. A banner with the words “BECAUSE WE’VE HAD ENOUGH” was unrolled and people lined up behind it in untidy rows. At noon, they walked.

Ashlea McDaid

STOMP and HOLLER: Because We’ve Had Enough!

by Jackie Hennessey

Madeline Burrows held the bullhorn, plastered with equality stickers from past protests, screaming and chanting. She was just one of the girls in yellow armbands, leading the march up Main Street. “Show me what a feminist looks like!” she chanted. “This is what a feminist looks like!” we responded.

At this moment my attention is on the man in front of me, holding the banner. He is wearing black fishnet stockings under a denim skirt with an “I <3 Feminism” t-shirt, topped with a hat covered in buttons such as “Consent is sexy.” I smile as I watch him soulfully chant back each line Madeline yells to us.

Along the way, the chanting broke as we applauded each honking horn of cars passing by, each pumpedfist of cyclists, and even the supportive dancing of one elderly Hispanic woman. I marched in the second row, surrounded by women and men of every race, age, class, and background. Some were survivors, but many were allies. Also, many of them, such as myself, have latched onto the “slut” persona, dressing in corsets, fishnets, high heels, short skirts, or even just their bras and underwear.

The term “Slutwalk” was coined to give survivors a sense of power in response to this officer’s comment about women’s attire, suggesting that “slutty clothing” is a reasonable excuse for rape. However, since its creation, many people have had problems coming

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to terms with the word “slut” being used in a protest against sexual violence. As a result of its controversial name, the protest was given the new title “Stomp & Holler.” However, many of the women (and even some of the men!) have taken the idea of “Slutwalk” to heart and dressed expressively as they marched.

Once we reached Northampton Town Hall, Madeline and her co-organizers urged the crowd to gather as closely as possible, as its copious amount of participants overflowed into traffic.

Once settled, a series of speakers step up to the microphone, telling their stories, sharing their deepest secrets, and pleading for change.

“A diverse group of people stepped up to speak: a mother, a martial artist, a Pakistani sexual assault survivor and counselor, two transgendered women, a sex worker, a disabled woman, and the former fiancé of a rape and murder victim.”

The first woman steps up. She is not the survivor of just one sexual assault, but of three separate, violent rapes. She tells each story in such detail that the crowd is silenced, captivated by her strength and bravery. Her first sexual assault was committed by her boyfriend’s father, who attacked her while she was sleeping. The second time she was raped, she was living in an apartment during the race riots. A man broke into her apartment and violently raped her. The third time, she was vacationing with her husband when masked men tied them up at gunpoint and she was once again violently raped. She spoke passionately against the stigmas that were placed on her after her experiences as a sexual assault survivor, stigmas many survivors unfortunately have to experience.

Filled with emotion and inspiration, the crowd welcomed its next speaker. I was pleased to see the man in black fishnets who marched in front of me walk up the steps and take the microphone. His speech was different, and not written on any paper. His speech came from memory, a rap he has performed more than once before. He spoke of a dream he has, that one day men will not have to shelter their emotional side from the world, in fear of being seen as “weak.” He spoke of a world where men need not rape women to feel like they have power, a world where men who urge their brothers to treat women with respect are not considered a “pussy” or a “fag.”

I had the pleasure of meeting Bryan Newman, the man who shared my views on a perfect world, after the rally. As a straight white male, Bryan is at the top of the patriarchic pyramid, yet he

devotes his time to what most people consider “women’s issues.”

When questioned about this, he states that in this better world, they are all men’s issues, as well.

Following Bryan, a diverse group of people stepped up to speak: a mother, a martial artist, a Pakistani sexual assault survivor and counselor, two transgendered women, a sex worker, a disabled woman, and the former fiancé of a rape and murder victim. They all said the words that we so rarely hear spoken, the supportive words for survivors of sexual violence, words of inspiration, strength, power, sympathy, and compassion.

Finally, Taylor rose to tell her story. It began at a college party, during which she is drinking alcohol, and lots of it.

The morning after, she speaks with her best friend. She told the crowd that this was her defining moment. If her best friend could understand why she was so upset, she would be validated.

“He had sex with me,” Taylor told her. “You were so drunk,” she laughed. That laugh, Taylor says, still haunts her. She felt blamed, how could she let something like this happen? Then she thinks back. She was drunk. He said, “Baby, I’m feeling you. Are you feeling this?” “No,” she said. “Baby, let’s go back to your place.” He pressures. “No,” she said again. Taylor said she didn’t scream as he pushed her on the couch, but she did remember thinking that his friends were down the hall, and surely someone would save her.

She blamed herself. She felt invalidated. But she was drunk, there was no consent. Even without the number of “no’s” that came out of her mouth, she had been raped.

She came to terms with this fact over time, and is now able to stand in front of Northampton City Hall, tell her story, and say the words that she so longed to hear during her struggle. The crowd cheered and chanted along-side her, smiling proud of where she is and how far she has come. Wearing the short skirt and blue top from that night, she grinned. “I rock this outfit!” she proudly proclaims into the microphone. She confidently declares that no matter how drunk you are, no matter what you are wearing, “It is never your fucking fault!”

Robert Nilsson

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CAPTION CONTEST! The results are in for Off-Center Magazine’s very first Caption Contest!

Oh look, it’s Central’s first student! He STILL hasn’t graduated!

“Rawr” means “I love you” in dinosaur.

Quick, get a dictionary! How do you say “Don’t eat me” in dinosaur?

Relax, it’s just plastic.

Is this the dining hall? Well it is now.

We’re not in Tokyo anymore.

Ah, a prehistoric senior!

That guy must be on the million-year plan.

“My name’s Alfred and I’m going to eat all the power lines.”

Oh no, the ice age!

Maybe they’ll believe in evolution now.

I think I took a wrong turn in Albuquerque.

Damn construction! I stepped on a Tonka truck.

Even starring in “Jurassic Park” couldn’t pay off my student loans.

BREAKING NEWS: Excavation on Vance Lawn Unearths Evidence that CCSU Has Been Failing Students for Much Longer Than Originally Suspected!

Kasey Gordon

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The Care and Feeding of Your New

VELOCIRAPTOR Julien Rome

by Colleen Cordner

Congratulations on your purchase of a fertilized Velociraptor Mongoliensis ovum! We here at Cretaceous Creations!™ are certain you’ll be fully satisfied with your purchase. To get you started, we’ve included this handy instruction manual, packed full of information that will make it simple to begin enjoying your new addition to the family in no time!

IN THE DAWN OF TIME:

We here at Cretaceous Creations!™ have done extensive research in the proper care of the ovum to provide your growing pet the care and nutrition necessary to get them healthy and happy! Let’s go over them briefly, shall we?

To begin with, your ovum needs to be kept in a secure, temperature-controlled area. Always be certain the temperature is kept above 90°F but below 105°F. This is extremely important.

Should the temperature lower too far, you’ll have naught but a malodorous paperweight; should it rise too far you’ll have a scrambled egg! Make certain to have a reliable, accurate thermometer in the incubating area, and check several times daily!

It’s also important to be certain to keep the ovum clean.

Now, you may be wondering, why on earth would I have to clean an egg? It hasn’t even hatched yet! An excellent observation, to be sure. Regardless of the unbleached nature of your current ovum, it is of utter importance that it regularly be cleansed; chemicals, spores, even dust in the air could potentially harm the embryo encased within. However, at Cretaceous Creations!™, we understand how hectic and busy daily life can be! To this end, we now offer the Orderly Ovum 3000©. It takes the muss and the fuss out of caring for your newest pet!

Be certain that the enclosure your pet is to live in is secure at all times. Concrete and electric fences are best; barbed wire can be used in a pinch to secure any problem areas. Remember, most home insurance policies don’t cover property damage or medical liability due to Velociraptor Mongliensis at this time.

Always be certain to keep plenty of fresh meat around; and we do mean fresh. It’s best to keep an assortment of chickens, goats, and any other livestock that may be available; if you have other pets, please be certain to keep them separated at all times!

Remember to check local ordinances to be certain the livestock you keep is allowed!

Always wear protective gear when socializing/playing with your new pet. The RaptorDefense Body Armor© is now available in plus sizes and big and tall online! Cretaceous Creations!™ has included a 10% off coupon with your ovum purchase today, so be certain to order now to ensure it will be on hand when needed!

As a bonus for a short time only, PhendOff©, our patented Tyrannosaurus pheromones, will be included in your RaptorDefense purchase if you call within one month of receiving your new pet! Spray on/around doorways, windows, basements, kennels; anywhere you need that extra comfort of protection around!

Last, but not least, please be sure to enjoy your new friend. Be sure to follow all local laws and regulations, and make safety your first priority! Thanks and the best of luck to you and your new pal from Cretaceous Creations!™

BEHOLD! LIFE!

After the incubation period, which should last anywhere from 16 to 18 weeks, you’ll have a brand new infant Velociraptor.

Congratulations!

BEWARE OF ASTEROIDS!

Cretaceous Creations!™ has done the utmost possible in genetic research, testing, and trials to guarantee that you, our customer, have an animal that is as close to the original Velociraptor Mongliensis of 75 million years ago. We understand that most people are too busy to research a creature that existed such a long time ago before they buy it; most people are too busy to cook dinner! To this end, we have a few last tips for you.

Cretaceous Creations!™ is not affiliated in any form with any wilderness parks or theme parks. We are not responsible for any damages, injuries, or deaths resulting from the use of our product. The product is the sole responsibility of the purchaser upon payment and receipt of package(s). Complimentary products offered are no guarantee.

22

scenicreflections.com

WHY THE LION KING IS FUCKED UP

by Michael McClellan Some of the most cherished memories from my childhood are of watching classic animated Disney movies.

From the humor, to the music, and, to a large extent, to the pretty colors, I was enraptured by these films in my preadolescence. But my adult brain has realized things that my juvenile mind only guessed at – there’s a lot of fucked up shit in Disney. And I’m not the only one to realize this – there have been academic articles written about a slew of topics in the vein of Disney fucked-upness, from the fact that the mother nearly always dies, to the fact that there are almost no good father figures in any of these movies.

Now this is not necessarily a bad thing – it’s kind of silly to expect children to enjoy sugar-coated goodness with absolutely no connection to reality. While Disney movies are often credited with continuing the mentality that wishing your problems away or marrying a prince

will give you a quick fix in life, there are actually quite a few harsh lessons in reality peppered throughout. Aladdin could be considered an expose on social stratification and the plight of the poor. Think about that for a second – Aladdin and Abu are so destitute that they need to resort to stealing food just to live – this is an incredibly mature theme that even some adults have trouble dealing with. Beauty and the Beast, while it has the conventional fairy tale ending, is really about not judging a book by its cover – looking deeper to see who’s really there before casting someone away just because they’re “ugly.” Again, a lesson many grown-ups have failed to learn. The Hunchback of Notre Dame is almost notoriously obvious in this case, dealing with lust, religious hypocrisy, miscegenation, racism, treatment of the disabled, and singing gargoyles, to boot!

However, I would argue that The Lion King is much different than any of these other movies. In Aladdin you’re supposed to sympathize or empathize with the eponymous character’s plight. In Beauty and the Beast,

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you’re supposed to think that Gaston is an utter prick, and that Belle made the right choice in sticking with the Beast. In Hunchback, you’re supposed to be utterly sketched out by Frollo, and to cheer on Quasimodo as he fights for his right to be recognized as a full human being. But The Lion King encourages no such empathy or disgusted-ness with regards to its mature themes, and in fact, gives conflicting messages.

The core story is ripped from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, with a few alterations to make it simpler and more palatable for children. But it’s not the main story of a young man coming into his own (which is rather weak in terms of storytelling, by the way), but rather little side actions and quick lines that are the culprit here. Perhaps a clear distinction should be made first, to help the reader see where I’m coming from. Unlike the other three mentioned movies, The Lion King deals with animals, from a variety of species. Most of them talk, or at least are assumed to be able to talk. As such, any interactions between these animals can be said to be, for the sake of metaphor and the narrative, analogous to interactions between different groups of humans. Now, in the wild, if a lion kills and eats a zebra, that’s fine. They’re different species.

But if a human kills a human, that’s not fine. That’s murder. And if the first human eats the second human, that’s even less fine. That’s cannibalism. Perhaps unintentionally, Disney has, in several instances in this movie, made it seem like murder and cannibalism are perfectly banal topics. This was caused purely by their decision to have all animals, regardless of species, be able to talk, and therefore, have all animals, regardless of species, be analogous to humans. And this would be fine, if it were consistent. Mufasa tells Simba that eating zebra is part of the “circle of life,” but when Scar kills Mufasa, or Simba thinks he killed Mufasa, this is considered murder, and bad. Going back to our analogy, this would be like saying it’s okay for white people to kill and eat black people, but it’s certainly not okay for white people to kill other white people.

Now are you starting to see why letting everyone talk makes this whole situation really bizarre?

A couple other side things – when Simba is lost in the desert, and falls over unconscious, vultures are clustered around him, about to eat him. Eat him alive. Am I the only one creeped out by the thought of being eaten alive? Even disregarding the fact that our analogy makes this also cannibalism, this is weird. In any live-action movie, if a person were to be eaten alive by animals, the movie would automatically be given a PG-13 rating, if not an R rating. Also – why is it okay for Timon and Pumbaa to eat insects, which are also animals, and are shown creeping and crawling around all over the place, and are eaten alive, but it’s not okay for Nala to eat Pumbaa? Isn’t this the “circle of life” thing again? Pumbaa should be grateful to give himself up to this great circle of bullshit.

Now I’m not saying The Lion King doesn’t have its good points. The music is some of the best and catchiest of any Disney movie – Elton John and Hans Zimmer did a fantastic job. The animation is also very well done, like most Disney movies. But the combination of the rather weak story and the bizarrely handled maturity prevents it from being, in my opinion, one of the best Disney movies. Think back at your own experience with the movie, or hearing other people talk about it. They never talk about how cool Simba is, or how good of a character Zazu is, or the subtleness of the plot or whatever. You sing the catchy songs together, and quote the hyenas. That’s it. So beyond being vastly overrated, The Lion King is straight up fucked up.

Do you agree? Disagree?

Let us know! Write an article!

OffCenterMagazine@yahoo.com

24

A Song About Ms. Tulip

by Lillian Brabner

(Sung to the tune of “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch ”) You’re Obnoxious, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

You like to stop in front of me, on walks don’t you dare trip me, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

Standing sideways don’t you see, our jolly walk cannot proceed, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

You like to share your smells with me, but what comes out of your butt just shouldn’t be, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

You eat the grass like it’s your job, why don’t you just mow the lawn, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

The sound of the pantry door opening, makes you run, you’re drooling with glee, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

Every time we try to eat, you think it’s time to get a treat, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

Your life’s a hard one, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

You’re a very furry cute one, but you’d like to eat the white dogs, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

There were squirrels you couldn’t catch, and new people wouldn’t pet, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

You stalk people like they’re prey, when you jump for pets they say nay , Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

People leave good trash for you, but I won’t let you stop and chew, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

Your nose reminds you where trash was left, but the humans pull you away at the last minute, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

You’re a good girl, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

Dogs bark at you like they’re the star, but you just pee-pee in their yard, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

When dogs bark and almost jump out their cars, you bark at them, you’re my guard , Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

When work sucks and I come home, you’re right there to lighten my load, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

You do what’s called a greyhound lean, it shows all of your love for me, Ms. Tuliiiii-ip.

You’re a great greyhound, that’s all to say, that’s why I’ve sung this song today…

Ms. Tuliiiii-ip!.

Lillian Brabner

25

1. What animal can go up to three months without eating?

2. What is the only animal that cannot jump?

3. What animal has striped skin, not striped fur?

4. What food does the flamingo eat that turns it pink?

5. How long can the hippopotamus stay under water?

6. What animal has the largest eyes?

7. How many people could the poison from a golden poison-dart frog kill?

Answers: 1.) Shark

2.) Elephant

Photos from zooborns.com and fbiweb.net

3.) Tiger

4.) Shrimp

5.) 30 Minutes

6.) Giant Squid 7.) 1500

26

texts from last night: CCSU edition compiled by Jen Glifort

digitaltrends.com

(203) I shava da face, I trimma da bearrrd (1-203) BADAAAAADAA DA DAAA DAAAAAAA SOMETHING LA TONGUE ROLLLLLLLL (203) I’m high, what’s happening?

(203) Thank you for the chocolate alligator!

(860) Haha okay. Well I’m sitting in front of a comic strip glued to the wall that says “BUY!” “SELL!” all over it. I thought of you :D (203) Look at that profile pic. “Babe, let’s reenact the proposal! Minus the plate from Olive Garden saying Marry Me” (1-203) Aw babesicle, let my mom take a pic of it on my cell!

(203) Lmao, kill me. This is better than the royal wedding. Only reason I go on Facebook.

(860) You should watch the bug bang theory it’s pretty witty (203) TWO of my professors just made me late to class. How does this work?

(1-203) Lmao, wtf? I hate college (860) Then compensate with cancerous amounts of sunshine.

(203) Come and play! We’re all going over C’s house (1-203) Alright, I’ll put pants on and come over (203) That’s love right there (203) Who ya pickin up first?

(1-203) Uh, our sister. She’s gimpy now

(203) Fiiiiine, everyone wants to help the cripple.

It’s not my fault she slipped in puke and lost her ligaments (203) I’m watching Leprechaun 5: In the Hood (1-203) That poor midget actor

(860) no I just worship at my own church. I am a roosterologist after all.

(203) a what?

(860) it means I worship the cock, you have to spend a lot of time on your knees in my church.

(860) we’re firm believers it’s better to give than receive.

(860) He’s probably bragging about how he walked in on two gay guys.

(203) Remind me to tell you about Big Daddy and the no-neck clan (1-203) Lmao, I don’t think I could forget if I tried (203) I have your socks (1-203) Aaaand unless I pay a ransom I’ll never see them again?

(860) Nice meeting you. I enjoyed our movie chat. We should see a movie sometime. Like “Bareback Frathouse Orgy” (860) Goddddd, she acts like a five-year-old who just found out how babies are made (860) I was just walking around the house singing “Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist” then I remembered I live with a black guy (203) Oh, awkwardd (203) Dad ate my chocolate frog except for the sad, teeth-scraped head (1-203) Lmao, he’s probably got munchies (860) I’ve been in a really sacrilegious place lately for some reason.

(203) not liking organized religion atm?

(860) why are mormon boys so fuckable (203) because you’re gay, and jesus hates you so he is torturing you…

(860) true. I wanna bang one before I do. It’s a hobby, nailing hard to find gays. I already have a ½ Mexican and 1/5 french. And a Puerto Rican buddist.

(203) next up, your world tour…

(860): We will accept your invitation to come over provided that A. it still stands, and B. you don’t make me want to punch you in the face with your incessant questions.

(860): and you have to give us booze.

(860): a few hundred bucks won’t hurt either…

We will accept the first 3 only though.

(860) my sister blew out her tire on our way to the movies.

(203) which one?

(860) Captain America. She was changing the radio channel, ironically to lady gaga.

(203) does that not explain itself?

COMING NEXT...

Grab a copy of the next issue of Off-Center Magazine, at the start of the Spring 2012 semester, to read all these great articles, and MORE! MY TIME IN THE MILITARY

THE SECOND TIME I ALMOST GOT MUGGED ON A SCHOOL TRIP INDIE FILM REVIEWS THE PROBLEMS WITH REGISTRATION YOU KNOW YOU GO TO CENTRAL WHEN...

AND...

OVERHEARD IN NEW BRITAIN The craziest things our teachers say!

CLUB PROFILE: THE COUCH KIDS What is going on over there?

THE RETURN OF CREEPER CORNER! The 2010-2011 OCM Club and Staff, taken by Matt Mckinzie

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