Social Anxiety as a Vermeer Rock Saw

Samantha Vondrum

“Social anxiety disorder, an intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation, affects approximately 15 million American adults. People with social”

You never know when to jump into a conversation; you think and think about it for so long that you’ve missed it. The conversation is over. Why didn’t they ask you your thoughts? Well, why would they? Even if they did, you would not have said what you were thinking; in fact, you would not say anything at all since you are so busy trying to

“anxiety disorder may worry about acting or appearing visibly anxious, or being viewed as stupid, awkward, or boring. As a result,”

But you do know how to cut into a conversation. Cutting in is jarring; you hate it, but it is what you learned unconsciously. It is the only way you know how to say anything. If you can get the words past the burning sensation climbing down your throat and boiling your stomach, that is. You normally cannot; it hurts too much. If only you realized that all you need to do is

“They often avoid social or performance situations, and when a situation cannot be avoided, they experience significant anxiety and distress.” *

Where would you learn such a thing, you might ask? Well, what is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of something loud with big teeth that cuts into things? Naturally, you pictured that Vermeer rock saw you have seen your whole life covered in a fine layer of use and gravel dust. Huge teeth attached to a giant circular blade spinning so fast it cuts and eats into solid rock walls certainly is an impressionable way to learn how to speak. All it takes sometimes is to cut through the rocks in your path.

“It is just a phase” turns into

It is a family trait to be quiet; that is just how they are, which turns into

All these people saying they have anxiety, you know anxiety is not a real thing, it is just something in your head, you can just get over it which is

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ultimately everyone just saying

It was your choice to remain silent. Perhaps it was my choice.

The hyperventilating, burning, tight throat from lack of air, twisting stomach, and unnecessary crying--say otherwise, but yeah, it was my choice. I did not want to go to friends’ birthday parties anyways which is why I lied and told them my parents said no.

I did not want to talk to classmates either; they simply did not have the refined interests I do. Despite trying my hardest to learn about what they talked about, I learned to care about the celebrities they were obsessed with. I learned anything I could to talk with them…if they ever talked to me.

Clearly, it was my choice since I am even unable to talk in my dreams. I most certainly do not want to scream and talk when someone dear to me is in a dire situation. Instead, I love that damn burning sensation in my throat that leaves me incapable of doing nothing but grips my neck. I am choking. I am being strangled.

But I cannot blame anyone since it is my own hands around my neck, right? I love waking up from the horrible sleep I got with a fire overtaking my body as I gasp and grip my blankets tighter because even in my sleep, I forget how to

Rock saws like any machine require maintenance and care. Teeth break, blades rust, the machine itself needs fuel, and if you did not keep up with these things, you would have a barely functioning, fragile, rusting heap of metal. You know this about machines, yet you cannot seem to apply that concept of care to yourself. You think just because you found a way to talk, a way to grow confidence, then suddenly it’s fine.

It is fine until you have time to sit down and rest for a minute, and then that familiar twisting in the stomach is back. The sting of tears bridging your eyes and the presence in your throat you know so well, you do not even notice anymore, increases. You overwork yourself to ignore the pain. You are confident now, so much so that you can even give presentations in front of people WITHOUT crying and oversee manager tasks and organizations.

You can do all of it, and you are doing it well.

Yet the overwork you bring on yourself just increases the pain more when you sit down to think about it. Sitting alone in your room forever was an unrealistic wish erased by a wish to be more social, to be heard,

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to talk, but sometimes you do not try hard enough to keep that original wish erased.

When I ask you what images or people come to mind when you think of rocks in your life you need to cut through in order to speak, I know you think of the people you have had challenges speaking to because of their talkative, fast-paced nature or the first job you had at a call center which caused you to have a tearful panic attack from every government class junior year of high school. Those are correct, but they are not the core of the rocks. So, what is the core? Struggling to find the answer?

Let me give you a hint, Look in the mirror.

The hardest part about learning to talk and achieve that wish is cutting past the outer rock you built around yourself. Sure, it was hard to talk, but at some point, you accepted that. You told yourself there was no need to talk. Why talk if no one listens, you asked. So, you made yourself an outer shell. Tough and cold but safe. You told yourself it was better to be distant, better to be as emotionless as possible, better to barely talk. You had friends, but did they share or care about you or things you liked? Did they even know you? Try breaking that shell even if it means you stumble and stutter along the way. If you just tell yourself that as a machine needs oil, you need to

Breathe.

*“Social Anxiety Disorder.” Social Anxiety Disorder | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA, https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/socialanxiety-disorder.

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