of the month of the month
magazine magazine issue 04 jan 09
issue 05 feb09
ru b e F
a r y!
THE
double your fun issue!
‘ello my babies. sorry about our one month delay....we wuz distracted by the holidays Anyways, we hopes you missed us...but fear not for we are here have fun reading our double your fun issue, cuz god knows we had fun writing it well im not sure what else to write, so read on happy reader of reading
read on and prosper.
ju-lee. movies.
el-en. book. top5. cheap date.
an-dre-as. album.
kate-lin. layout. enemy. cheap date.
jay.son movies. drink.
cam-ah-ron. videogame.
cris-tee-nahh. playlist. diy. dany-el. city.
A
album
computer world - kraftwerk February
of the months
by andres
For those of you who say, “I only listen to rock, pop, and hip hop. I hate techno,” quit bitching and expand your musical taste. First of all, Kraftwerk is not techno, they’re electro. Big difference. Secondly, Kraftwerk is easily one of the most influential bands of all time. They started off as a standard band, but by the mid 70’s, they traded in their guitars and drums for keyboards and synthesizers. However, it wasn’t until the 80’s that the trend would catch on and produce a legion of Kraftwerk copy cats. In addition to starting the electro-pop frenzy of the 80’s, Kraftwerk also gave a helping hand to the start of rap and hip hop. DJs from the Bronx would sample, borrow, and mix many of the band’s beats or melodies and would then rap over them. That’s right… I bet you didn’t know that nerdy looking Germans messing around with keyboards helped fuel rap and hip hop. Not so nerdy anymore more, eh?
Computer World is an electro-pop masterpiece. Every single song has a catchy hook that will get you humming the tune for days. Not only are the songs captivating, but they are excellently crafted and are much more complex than one would think. In “Numbers,” a song about counting in different languages, Kraftwerk uses a beat that is later sampled and reused by a countless number of hip hop artists. “Computer Love,” the most beautiful song on the album, is about a lonely guy who loves his computer to death. While it may seem a little wrong, this song is so good that Chris Martin used the exact same melody in Coldplay’s hit song “Talk.” That’s right… I bet you didn’t know that nerdy looking Germans messing around with keyboards helped Coldplay make one of their most popular songs. So the bottom line is: Listen to this record because it’s awesome! You’ll love it! I’ll give you 5 bucks if you don’t! I…swear?
A
werk
kraft
A loveless - my bloody valentine february
Don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day? Fuck it. Stay home and listen to Loveless all day. That’s absolutely the best thing you could do on a day full of false, commercialized bullshit. I totally would, except for the fact that my girlfriend would kick me in the nuts. Epic Failure. Besides, that “holiday” celebrates the gory beheading of some poor dope named Valentine (I don’t know about you guys, but I totally get turned on when I think about decapitated saints). It’s better to just close your eyes and get lost in the dreamy distortion driven sounds of My Bloody Valentine.
Loveless is the album that defined the “shoegaze” generation and genre. The term comes from a review of an MBV concert, referring to the way that the band performs on stage (lifelessly staring at their shoes). The term not only referred to their stage presence, but also to the type of music the band was making. “Shoegaze” is the only genre in which the vocals are purposely hidden behind the music itself. In Loveless, the guitars are treated with a dense, yet gorgeous distortion which in turn creates a “wall of sound,” a redefinition of Phil Spector’s famous trademark in the 60’s. The guitars are layered one on top of the other until the perfect sound is achieved. Kevin Shields, lead singer/guitarist, was so meticulous about the recordings that it took 20 sound engineers and $500,000 to complete the album.
The record label, Creation Records, almost went bankrupt because the album had little commercial success and had to be saved by a bunch of prima donna crack heads known as Oasis.
Even though MBV were dropped by their label, nothing could change the fact that they made the greatest album of the 90’s. There is not a single flaw on this record (after spending all that money how could there be?). As to which song I recommend you listening to? Doesn’t matter. Pick at random and you’ll fall in love with the song. Even after the first listen, this record will open up your eyes and give you a new perspective on life just because it’s that good. You may think that I am hyping this up, but seriously I’m not. It turns me on way more than headless saints do, and you all know how much that turn me on.
A valtineen
my bloody
book of the months
by ellen
For this month's book review, I'm cheating and I'm going to do two books: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak and A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore. While vastly different in tone, these two books share similar main character, a personified Death.
The Book Theif - Markus Zusak In Zusak's novel, Death is the narrator which gives him the unique ability to reference events that are both in the pasts and the future as he tells the story of Liesel Meminger, a German girl in WWII. In Moore's book, the main character Charlie Asher, a self-proclaimed Beta male, is given the job of a "death merchant" where he must collect the souls of the dying. Both novels also begin with, surprise!, a death of a loved one. Wow do these books sound grim, huh? But I promise they are worth it. The Book Thief gives the interesting perspective of the lives of poor Germans in WWII. Many of us correlate Germans of this time with Nazi supporters, but Zusak shows that there were many kinds of citizens—those who resisted, those who dislike Nazi policy, yet go along with it in fear of punishment, and those who do fully support the Party. Zusak uses a unique writing style of interrupting his narrative with emboldened side notes or stories, where he gives a background of a certain character or defines a word mentioned to give it emphasis in the story. Although it full of moments of hope and kindness for Liesel and her friends and family, The Book Thief never lets the reader forget that is a time of war where actions often have grave consequences and good people can die. It is a beautiful and heartbreaking study of humanity.
A Dirty Job - Christopher Moore And now for something completely different‌ Moore's A Dirty Job, while focusing on death, is more of fantasy and is one of the funniest books I have ever read. The book follows the story of Asher, a secondhand store owner in San Francisco, and his awkward transition into becoming a death merchant which he must keep a secret from his two employees (a Goth, people hating teenager and an ex-cop who is addicted to online dating), his sister (a commitment-phobic lesbian who often steals Asher's clothing), and his neighbors (an elderly Chinese woman and an elderly Russian woman who constantly fight over babysitting Asher's infant daughter). Ultimately the story turns into a fight of good vs. evil and, as most Christopher Moore books do, A Dirty Job does have some strange fantasy stuff going on, but it never stopped me from laughing. It is a heartwarming novel that will make your day a little more enjoyable.
YAY BOOKS YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SALT LAKE CITY “And this city was still the same...I mean, look at it! There's nothing going on. That's what I saw when I looked out over the city: nothing. How the Mormon settlers looked upon this valley, and felt that it was the promised land, is beyond me. I don't know, maybe it looked different back then.” - Stevo, SLC Punk
of the
month by daniel
any tourist in SLC should be Temple Square, a massive 10 acre block of architectural wonder surrounding Salt Lake Temple, which might just be one of the most breathtaking buildings ever constructed in the US. Construction of the Temple began on April 6, 1853 and was finished exactly 40 years later. The towering spires and gleaming white Stevo's observations can seem quite accurate walls leave a lasting impact on any viewer. when coming to Salt Lake city for the first The whole of the square has many treats for time. It has never been the most glamorous the eye as well, from rooftop gardens to city, never the star, hell, never even noticed the famous “lighting of the Square” every until the Mormons do something that upsets Christmas season, in which hundreds of thousomeone. But this city takes a little digging, sands of lights shine on at once from every and below that polished, sterile, squeaky tree, bush, shrub and branch that can supclean exterior, those dirty little nuggets of port them. There is no better place to be kick ass can be found. with a date, a scarf and some hot chocolate. Five minutes inside the Square anytime Founded in 1847 by Brigham Young and Co. during this magical season will have even the after coming across the valley and declaring most steadfast Scrooge ready for the Holiit “the place,” SLC has been the center of the days. LDS church ever since, and from them comes many of the stigmas regarding the city, but Radiating out from Temple Square, downalso many of the wonders. Say what one town Salt Lake has every attraction anyone wants about the LDS faith, but they can sure could ever ask for. Several shopping and as hell build a building, and the first stop for dining districts like The Gateway and Trolley Square are spread throughout, interconnected by streets jammed packed with
cafes, pubs, fine dining, and the occasional bar here and there. That last bit was unfair, SLC has its fill of bars and clubs, but the best part of them by far is the music. Salt Lake's music scene is phenomenal, to say the least. Thats what the city gets when every teenager in the state rebels against their parents and bangs on drums or shreds guitars to piss them off. The band selection is never lacking, and every genre is out in full force, but the scene at the forefront is rock. Any night of the week there are 20-30 shows to pick from, and most are some of the best bands anyone will (n)ever hear. The best part about downtown is that everything is pretty much walking distance from everything else, so a mile jaunt down any street could see you in and out of 10 different shows, easy. Even if something is just a bit out of hoofin' it range, SLC host some fantastic public transport, ranging from buses to electric trolley cars, not to mention a fair amount of cabs roaming the night.
If bars, loud shows, tiny venues, and mobs of coeds isn't what someone is after, the softer side of the city also shines bright. The massive 240,000 ft² five story library is the cultural anchor of the city. With rooftop gardens and vast outside grounds that hold numerous art and jazz festivals throughout the year, the library is always a good place to hang out. SLC also holds many museums and historical monuments. Museums include The Leonardo, specializing in science, and the massive Church history museum in Temple Square. If movies are your thing, the Sundance Film Festival showcases some of the finest every January. Another brilliant and oft taken for granted perk of the city is that crime is virtually non existent, there are no “bad areas,â€? and the only danger somebody faces walking around at three in the morning is freezing to death, if its winter that is. Though winter may put a damper on the wandering hordes of students from the 15 colleges and universities that inhabit SLC, it brings the other wonder of Utah, the snow. Now Utah snow is probably the only other
known entity besides Mormons that the world knows is here. This is for a reason. It is lighting quick, relatively dry, soft as feathers, and there is no shortage of it. Besides famous Park City there are 11 other resorts, all within about an hour of downtown, a quick twenty minute drive, or bus, to the closest. Skiers and boarders come from around the globe to ride the best snow on earth. Random fact time: Park city has more restaurants per square mile than any other city in the US! If outside and cold and snow all mixed together ain't the disconcerting traveler's thing, then spring and summer offer thousands of miles of trails, hundreds of peaks, massive cave complexes (spelunking anybody?) and some gnarly 4x4 trails, all just itching to be tackled. The area surrounding the city is a true natural paradise, and that is what makes SLC so great, its balance. It may have been an empty valley a hundred and fifty years ago, but today it is a place where one can do anything and everything, the only trait a city could ever ask for.
Di Y
do it yourself of the months
by kristina
How to Paint a Wall Mural 1. Find a large blank wall space, whether it be on your own wall or on a friend’s. 2. Buy latex wall paint from Home Depot in varying colors. (You really only need red, blue, yellow and white and then you can mix). You will also need several cheap brushes, a tray for mixing, and oil-based paint remover. 3. Make a sketch of your design. 4. With a trusty friend by your side, begin your wall mural. It will probably take you at least three or four days to complete, especially since the fumes alone could severely detriment your health if you paint for more than a few hours at a time (personal experience). 5. And there you have it, a HUGE life-size tree! Find a good book and a blanket and make yourself a picnic on the floor. The perfect way to spend a summer’s (because California is experiencing temperatures in the 90s right now) day!
How to make a simple handbag 1. First sketch your pattern in the sketchbook. I usually choose to make a simple rectangle shape for the bag, with a very long piece for the strap that wraps all the way around the bag. 2. Cut two rectangles for the outside material and two rectangles for the inside material. Measure them however big you decide they need to be for what you intend to put inside. I chose to trace mine around a 3-subject notebook so that I knew it would fit inside. 3. On one of the pieces for the outside material, paint a design using fabric paint. I am partial to painting trees and inspirational quotes. Be creative! Let dry. 4. Then sew each inside piece to each outside piece. Remember to sew the right sides together, leaving a small slot to reverse and pull the fabric so that your stitches are on the inside. Then sew the small hole together. This should leave you with two flaps for the outsides of your bag. Iron each piece. 5. Cut out two long skinny pieces for the strap, one of the inside fabric and one of the outside fabric. I usually make mine about 75-80 inches. I measure it by wrapping a tape measure around my shoulder and down to about my hip to see how long a bag I would need. 6. Sew the right sides together, again leaving a small slot to pull the fabric through, and stitch it up when you are done. Iron your strap. 7. Sew each end of your strap to itself so that it forms a circle. 8. Pin the strap to each piece of fabric, making sure that they are equal to other and that you are always pinning the “right� sides together so that you can flip everything when you are done. 9. Sew everything together and you have your very own custom handbag!
You will need: About 1-2 yards of a sturdy cotton (or canvas) fabric About 1-2 yards of a patterned fabric for the inside liner A sewing machine and thread A sketchbook and pencil An iron Fabric paint and a brush
P.S.: If you are looking for a custom handmade bag but lack the time or will to follow these steps, please feel free to email me at kristinasimes@gmail.c om and we can work a deal!
wall mural
diy bag
drink
Grand total: Generally 200 calories, depending on your definition of “part”. Not bad, right?
of the months by jason
Well, if you’re anything like half of America, then your New Year’s Resolution probably has something to do with losing weight, eating healthier, etc. So for this month, I’ve picked a low-calorie drink that will actually taste good, the Cosmopolitan. As an added bonus, I’m going to throw roughly the amount of calories you’ll be consuming on your way to a drunken stupor. I know, I know, it’s kind of girly. But if you’re a guy that’s concerned enough about his weight to actually care about what he orders at a bar, you’re pretty girly too. Anyway, here’s the recipe
4 parts vodka (use whatever suits your fancy, though the better the vodka, the better the Cosmo) 2 parts Triple Sec/Cointreau 2 parts cranberry juice 1 part fresh lime juice
By the by, if you don’t know how to use the part system, perhaps now is a good time to learn. A part is constituted by the lowest amount of whatever you put in your drink. Two parts would simply double that, three - triple, and so on. For example, 1 part- 1 oz., thus 2 parts – 2 oz. Easy
drink As we are doing an extra special release, I would like to do a rather unique twist to this segment. I’m going to show you the steps to make vodka soaked watermelon! Sound good? Well, it shouldn’t. To be honest, they’re not too tasty, yet they do provide a method of getting buzzed while devouring healthy snack foods, something not all of us can do very easily. So, without further ado here you go.
1. Buy a miniature watermelon (IMPORTANT! so the booze will actually have an effect) and a 375 ml bottle of vodka. 2. Cut a circle in the skin of the watermelon, so you’re able to see the fruit. 3. Open the vodka bottle and shove ‘er in there good and hard (don’t say a word). 4. Let the vodka bottle sit for a while. You have the option of emptying the whole bottle in there, but know that this could take up to a week. 5. Wait a little longer after the bottle is empty, so the watermelon can absorb all the vodka. Perhaps have a drink to reward yourself for being patient. 6. Now cut it up and eat.
enemy enemy enemy enemy OF THE MONTHs
by kaitlin So, I’m pretty sure at least one of you out there have noticed that OTM is a bit late....and by a bit I mean about 1 and a half months. Um, my bad. I blame January’s lateness on Santa though. We were all excited about Christmas! February, however, is a different story. I was all ready to get OTM out, and lo and behold, I get sick. And not like, ‘cough cough eh’ sick....I mean “BLAARHHH BLAARHHH OMYGOSH I AM GOING TO DIE I HATE YOU” kind of sick. Which brings me to February’s enemny...
THE FLU!!!
It all started the last week in January, when Frank, Victor (my boytoy. . . HAH! that was lame, don’t tell him I called him that)’s roommate got sick. Victor then borrowed a blanket, and gets sick. WOW, you’re smart! Just like when the Pilgrims killed off the Indians with small pox infected blankets. Then Victor is sick for about OH A DAY and then gets me sick FOR TWO WEEKS! What the hell is that, I don’t even know. Freaking flu, you are such an asshole. There was even a point where I couldn’t even swallow my own saliva because my throat hurt so bad. I had a hand towel handy that I would spit in so I wouldn’t have to swallow. And then I think Victor used it to wash his face. Oops. I was out of school for a week and a half. . . DURING FIFTH WEEK! I missed 2 midterms, 4 quizzes, and 5 homework assignments because of you! EVIL! I am still trying to catch up. And those of you in quarter terms, you know what I’m talking about. So now I’ve learned my lesson.: 1) Old people and babies, shove over! The Jue is first in line for flu innoculations come next season and, 2) Never go to the emergency room at 5 in the morning, even if it feels liek there’s an alien inside your throat avenging his fathers death by ripping out your throat because it will cost you $100 in co-payment. January’s enemy? CHRIS BROWN. Enough said.
movies of the month
january
to see:
marley and me
The day after Christmas I didn’t go after sale shopping for the items that I didn’t get on my Christmas list, I went to the movies! I didn’t even think about the crowds at the theatres, I just figured they would be at the malls. But boy was it packed! My friend and I went to see Marley and Me, which stars Jennifer Anniston and Owen Wilson. It starts off when they get married during one of the worst snowstorms. They then decide to move to a warmer climate, and in their minds that is Florida. They both are writers working for
by julie see & jason rent different magazines. Jennifer’s (Anniston) career is doing much better than John’s (Wilson) at the moment, seeing how her articles are actually getting published in the newspaper where as John’s are getting cut in half. John then decides to get a job with a news paper company. He lands the job of part time columnist at the same paper his best friend works at, Sebastian (Eric Dane AKA MCSTEAMY!). John is outraged because he wants to be a reporter, not a columnist, because he has no experience at it. Jennifer starts talking about her Life Plan, and next on the list is having children. Instead of going straight into a family, John (Wilson) decides to surprise his wife with a puppy. This is where the adventure begins! John becomes a
daily columnist and talks about his days with the worst dog ever, Marley. They are hysterical. As time goes by they have their first child. This movie portrays a real family that will go through tough times and conflicts. Their family relationship is no fairytale, which is nice for a change. Marley may not be the best dog in the world, but he sure does keep their life chaotic and entertaining. He even tries to make a run for it when they are in the car! But don’t worry, Marley is not trying to run away; he just likes a little adventure. This film follows the starting of their family and Marley’s life over the years. I have to say that this film is hysterical due to Owen Wilson’s comedic performance, but if you are at any bit a dog person,
be ready to cry like a baby. It’s a dog movie, what else can you expect. The ending is the only reason why I say do not see this movie, unless you like a really good cry.
january
not to see: the curious case of benjamin button
Don’t get me wrong this movie has a very interesting plot, and the cinematography is awesome, it’s just that its two hours and fortyfive minutes. Now a days we can’t even keep focus on something for thirty minutes. It seems that we are always on the go and in a rush, and being able to relax for a few minutes - well that is just rare. This movie starts out with Benjamin (Brad Pitt) being born. His mom dies in childbirth, and the father doesn’t know what to do so he takes the baby and runs. He finds a good home and leaves him on the doorstep, and feeling bad, he leaves a couple a bucks as well. Benjamin Button is about a person who was born with a rare disease. They thought he was going to die, but when taken to church, everyone prayed for him to get better. So he did. He aged backwards. I guess you can say he lost his virginity when he was around eight but
looked 60. This movie goes through Benjamin Button’s life and what he accomplishes with his rare disease. He meets Cate Blanchetts character when she is young. They reunite in the middle, and have a wonderful love affair. Benjamin Button is entertaining but I don’t think anything spectacular; I am not a fan of Brad Pitt either. I don’t think this movie is Oscar worthy. If you really want to watch it, wait till video.
february
to see:
gran torino
THIS MOVIE IS EPIC. This is my all time favorite Clint Eastwood movie; then again I think this is the only Clint Eastwood movie I have seen! Clint Eastwood’s character lives alone with his dog in a not so great neighborhood. He is not close to his children, and they don’t care much about him either. He lives his life in isolation and doesn’t like to be bothered. That all changes though when he gets new next-door neighbors, A Hmong family. over the course of the next few weeks he gets to know them a little better. The Hmong boy who lives next door is being challenged to join his cousin’s gang. His initiation is to steal Clint Eastwood’s car, the
GRAN TORINO! Of course he gets caught as Clint Eastwood’s character comes out with a shotgun! The Hmong boy is then in debt and has to help around the house for the next two weeks. Over the time period of the movie, Clint Eastwood connects to the children next door, helping them, and being a smart ass to them. He protects them from the gang that keeps dropping by, and hates it when all the neighbors keep brining him food for being nice to them. This movie is hilarious! I don’t won’t to ruin anything for anyone so I don’t want to go into too much detail about it. Just know that the ending is absolutely perfect. I never knew that in the Hmong families, the girls went to college and the boys usually end up in jail. With that in mind, please see this movie. It should have been nominated for best picture!
january
to rent:
a streetcare named desire
Famed Michael Winner once said of Marlon Brando that “Before Brando, actors acted. After Brando, they behaved”, a sentiment which rings perfectly true in this month’s To Rent, A Streetcar Named Desire. In one of the
first films of his career, Brando gives a stellar performance as the tempestuous Stanley Kowalski, showcasing his raw talent and rare gift for making the audience believe that we are actually watching reality unfold. His performance in this movie is so believable that Brando once admitted in an interview that he had trouble convincing people that he is nothing like Stanley Kowalski in real life. Beyond Brando’s performance, director Elia Kazan does just about everything right in the film. The cinematography is excellent, the pacing is perfect, and the blocking is extraordinarily good. The scriptwriter Oscar Saul does not take very many liberties with Tennessee Williams’ play and makes alterations mostly just to please the horribly unnecessary Hollywood Production Code (a code which served to censor movies in the 1950s). The performances by the other actors are all top notch as well, culminating into one hell of a good movie. For those of you unfamiliar with the play, A Streetcar Named Desire mainly concerns itself with its female lead, the southern belle Blanche Dubois (Vivien Leigh) and her intrusion into the New Orleans home and lifestyles of Stanley Kowalski (Marlon Brando) and her sister, Stella Kowalski (Kim Hunter). If you’re thinking it sounds kind of like You, Me, & Dupree, then I’m going to have to punch you in the face.
Blanche’s past is one of both dark secrets and deep sadness and the movie makes it seem more like she is escaping to New Orleans rather than just visiting, despite whatever pretenses Blanche may offer. From the beginning we can see that Blanche is heavily disturbed and very concerned with maintaining the fragile reality she has constructed for herself. This false reality comes to blows with the rowdy and often violent Stanley Kowalski. It is the interplay between Leigh and Brando that really makes the movie shine; not only do we see a contrast between superb old world and new world acting, but the tension building constantly between the two is downright thrilling to watch. During her stay, it becomes evident to Blanche that Stella has become a very different person than the one she used to know, having lost both her accent and any Southern grace she might have had before coming to New Orleans. As Blanche tries to awaken the Southern sensibilities within Stella, Stanley becomes ever more frustrated with Blanche’s influence and interference in his life and marriage. The frustration finally gives birth to some rather dark scenes implying rather dark deeds. Aside from the mounting tension, Kazan is very careful to make privy to his audience the home life of Stella and Stanley. One scene in particular, the poker scene, gives us insight into the turbulent
and violent nature of Stanley, as well as how Stella responds to his brutish nature. While anything but a love story, Brando and Hunter are able to convey to their audience that the two characters truly do share a love that runs deep, despite their volatility. Ultimately, the camera work, Kazan’s direction, and the ensemble make a great play even better, catching the subtle nuances that are easier to miss inside of a static proscenium and adding a darkly human nature to the characters and their interactions. This movie is easily worth a rent/buy/heist/whatever, just watch it.
january
not to rent:
gigli
A couple weeks ago I decided that I’ve been somewhat treating myself in regards to the horrible movies I’ve been watching. Ghost Ship, Plan Nine, and Star Wars Holiday Special are all the kind of movies that one might get stoned, watch, and then laugh about it later with your friends. In other words, they may fall into the “so bad it’s funny” category. This month, however, I wanted to watch a movie that is widely regarded as a blight upon humanity and thus does not really merit the honor of falling into
the former category. I wanted to watch a movie so bad, that it would make me want to tear out my own eyes to avoid the tedium it offers. Something so predictable, I could preempt every line of the film without having watched it. A movie vile enough to make water-boarding seem humane. I chose Gigli. Not everyone has seen Gigli, but just about everyone has heard that it is supposed to be mindnumbingly awful film. Masochistic curiosity drew me to this film and I have to say I was disappointed, though not for the reason you might expect. Gigli was hardly amongst the worst films I’ve seen. In fact, I could rattle off at least ten other films that are worse than Gigli. Don’t get me wrong though, Gigli is in no way good, which is why I’m writing about it here, but I have to say don’t buy into the hype. Gigli sucks, no doubt, yet I’ve seen worse and will no doubt continue to see worse movies. The film follows the life of small-time crook/contract worker Larry Gigli (Ben Affleck), who is currently employed by Louis (Lenny Venito), a minor crime lord, as a heavy. Louis asks Gigli to kidnap Brian (Justin Bartha), the mentally handicapped brother of a powerful federal prosecutor, in order prevent Louis’ boss from landing in the slammer. Gigli is able to lure Brian back home with him through false kindness and promises, leading Brian to believe that
Gigli will take him to the “Baywatch” at some point (not the show, which Brian makes very clear). It should be noted that Justin Bartha’s performance really shines here; Bartha does a very good job at conveying the frustration and deep sadness that his character feels, adding depth and dimension to a movie sorely lacking in complexity and feeling. Sadly, Bartha’s character is mostly used as a crutch for the plot and when he is not needed onscreen, he disappears to some place conveniently off-screen and out of earshot. As Brian and Gigli settle in, their peace is disturbed by Ricki (Jennifer Lopez), a woman who is in much the same line of work Gigli himself has fallen into. We find out that she was also hired to watch over Brian, as Gigli’s reputation as a screw-up has preceded him. To make things brief, we find out that Ricki is a lesbian and that Gigli’s advances are all but in vain. It has been said that Affleck and Lopez have no chemistry in this movie, though I disagree. They have no chemistry for a couple of actors who have been together off-screen, but the spark is there, though it’s not nearly enough to ignite any fires, especially given the horrible script and tediously long concerned looks and withered glares. As for their individual performances, I found Affleck’s portrayal of a tough talking thug as fake as his accent. There was no conviction in his bravado, coming across as a toothless dog with a loud mouth. As for Lopez,
I’d say she was only slightly scarier than in the movie Enough, which isn’t saying much, considering how she is meant to portray a highly efficient criminal. Much of the rest of the film deals the tribulations of the kidnapping, with cameos of Christopher Walken and Al Pacino thrown in to spice things up, both of whom perform admirably. However, their appearances are not enough to save the film from lackluster direction, an inane and unrefined script, and a predictable and implausible plot. Gigli certainly has the elements to make a decent film, yet somewhere along the line things got screwed up badly and this is the product of that god awful mess.
February
February
to rent:
in bruges
While I know the month of February is one meant to be filled with love, cuddly things, and annoying little chalk candies that dry out your mouth in much the same way a glass of water doesn’t, I decided to write about two movies that could care less for all of these things. As we have decided to do an extra special issue this month, I am going to be especially brief in my review for the latter two movies, cutting to the quick by cutting out the exposition (don’t like it? wiki the plot). For February’s “To Rent” movie, I decided to watch Martin McDonagh’s dark comedy “In Bruges”, starring Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, and Ralph Fiennes. While I have labeled “In Bruges” as a dark comedy, as that it what it seems to aspire to be, it is most fruitfully viewed as an incredibly dark drama with a few funny moments. Despite not living up to its desired moniker, In Bruges remains laudable for several reasons. First off, the acting is simply incredible; Colin
Farrel’s portrayal of a grief stricken hit-man is one of the best roles I’ve ever seen him in. While mostly neurotic and edgy, Farrell is able to convey sadness within his role that tugs at the viewer’s heartstrings, which is quite a feat considering how alienating his character is. Gleeson, as always, does a bang-up job as the wizened veteran/mentor to Farrell, alternating between happy-go-lucky and brooding when the situation calls for it, sometimes straddling the line between both to give his role a depth and history that a less experienced actor might not be able to convey. Fiennes is decent within the film; he does a great job at being funny and ironic, which his role calls for, but does nothing beyond that. The staging and cinematography are excellent, as they effectively given the charming city of Bruges a rather muted feeling to reflect the minds and disposition of the characters we are following. Anyone who can make the city of Bruges seems alienating and unfriendly deserves at least some praise. All in all, I would highly recommend watching “In Bruges”, if just for Farrell’s amazing performance within the film; however, know that it might not be the dark comedy that you are looking for.
not to rent:
pet sematary
This month’s “Not to Rent” is a movie that I saw ages ago and, liking it then, decided to re-watch. God know what sort of drug cocktail I must have been doing to find “Pet Sematary” entertaining and engaging, but if I figured out what they were, I could likely revolutionize the drug industry. I am not going to bother explaining the details of the movie, as it wouldn’t help make any sense of it. If there was one thing that I could say in benefit of this movie, it’s that Miko Hughes, the baby who plays Gage Creed, is just about the cutest thing ever. Sadly, his adorable appearance, voice, and mannerisms do little to assuage the wounds this film inflicts upon your mind. Dale Midkiff, who plays Louis Creed, dominates most of the screen-time, which would have been great if he acted the part competently; unfortunately for the audience, Midkiff’s acting is stiff, stoic, and mostly unbearable. The role Stephen King had in mind for Louis Creed requires an actor who is capable of demonstrating the gradual deterioration of a man’s mind; Midkiff’s performance in this film shows me that he is barely capable of demonstrating how to eat an egg sandwich. Denise Crosby shows a remarkable lack of talent in her role as Rachel Creed, over acting the dramatic parts and downplaying the scenes in
in which the viewer asks themselves “how is she calm right now?!” (for instance, when baby Gage nearly gets hit by a truck). Blaze Berdahl performs horribly as the dream-seer daughter, mostly because she makes Rocky Dennis look like Brad Pitt. Brad Greenquist and Fred Gwynne give decent, but unremarkable performances; enough so to placate the viewer and make them believe that there is a shred of hope for this movie, yet not enough to provide said shred of hope.
s e i
m
v o
As I said before, baby Miko Hughes is adorable and herein lays the problem. As the scenes with evil Miko form the climax of the film, the moviegoer should reasonably expect to be freaked out by an evil baby with a scalpel. Yet, it’s almost impossible to be scared of this darling, darling child. Don’t believe me? Google image Gage Creed and tell me, tell me that he isn’t one of the cutest undead babies you have ever seen. Due to this, in conjunction with the dated special effects and lackluster camerawork, the movie remains a scareless horror film with no redeeming qualities besides the adorable baby in the production. A definite Not Rent.
of the month by kristina
So, let’s face it: pretty much every song that is worth listening to is about love. Love found, love lost, confused love, tainted love, and so on and so forth. Therefore, to make a Valentine’s mix is a daunting task indeed. One does not wish it to be too over-the-top, but to make it lack a hint of romance would be a crime indeed. My solution: a few classic mushy hits, (Chicago, Jeff Buckley, Dean Martin) a few newer, mellower, modern-day affairs, (The Weepies, Sufjan, Iron and Wine) and a few fun, robust tunes to give it a hint of flavor (Steve Miller Band, Wilco). Frank Sinatra’s “The Way You Look Tonight” says: “Hey, you’re looking pretty darn fantastic.” Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness” calls to mind a specific scene from Pretty in Pink when Duckie did an adorable dance across the record store floor (and c’mon ladies, who doesn’t want a man that can dance like that?). And Ben Folds’ “The Luckiest” basically defines true love for all of us in the course of four minutes. There is something for everyone in this two-disk compilation! Wrap both disks up using a scrap from a recycled brown bag, tie with a red ribbon, stick a note on the top, and wa-la! Your beau, best friend, little sister, or grandma will love you for it! Because music is truly the simplest and longest-lasting way to say: “I love you.”
1. Is This Love- Bob Marley 2. Wedding Bell Blues- Laura Nyro 3. Hold You in My Arms- Ray LaMontagne 4. If You Leave Me Now- Chicago 5. Jungle Love- Steve Miller Band 6. Try a Little Tenderness- Otis Redding 7. Book of Love- Magnetic Fields 8. You Really Got a Hold on Me- M. Ward & Zooey Deschanel 9. The Luckiest- Ben Folds 10. The Nearness of You- Norah Jones 11. Dance, Dance, Dance- Lykke Li 12. Sky- Joshua Radin 13. Gotta Have You- The Weepies 14. In Your Eyes- Peter Gabriel 15. Love, You Should’ve Come Over- Jeff Buckley 16. Sleep Tonight- Stars 17. She’s Always a Woman to Me- Billy Joel 18. The Way You Look Tonight- Frank Sinatra
CD 1
1. Please Forgive Me- David Gray 2. Bye Bye Blackbird- Joe Crocker 3. Green Eyes- Coldplay 4. No Other Way- Jack Johnson 5. When I Come Back Down- Nickelcreek 6. No One’s Gonna Love You- Band of Horses 7. I Believe (When I Fall in Love It Will Be Forever)- Stevie Wonder 8. Let’s Get it On- Marvin Gaye 9. My Girls- Animal Collective 10. I’m the Man Who Loves You- Wilco 11. Use Somebody- Kings of Leon 12. Name- Goo Goo Dolls 13. Julia- The Beatles 14. Return to Me- Dean Martin 15. By My Side- Ben Harper 16. Bryn- Vampire Weekend 17. Let’s Stay Together- Al Green 18. Love and Some Verses- Iron and Wine 19. To Be Alone with You- Sufjan Stevens
CD 2
l en
by e
january
l
of the months
top 5
As our holiday season winds down and we approach the end of December, some of us like to look back on certain aspects of the past year and say, "well that was shitty." Umm, that's why we have New Year's resolutions! As we look towards the nice, shiny twelve months ahead of us, we promise many a thing, usually involving some form of self-betterment (the definition of which is very far ranging in my group of friends). But by about, I don't know, February 1st, most of our New Year's hopes have evaporated as quickly as whatever Christmas money we might have gotten. Don't fret though about your empty bank accounts and unfulfilled hopes. In fact, I would say it is human tradition to break these resolutions we made, SO EMBRACE IT. Failure is a part of life my friends, so enjoy it, love it, take a bubble bath celebrating all the things you're not and how you're fine as you are. This month's Top 5: THE 5 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS YOU JUST CAN'T KEEP.
1.
The number one honors goes to one of the most universally chosen (and broken) resolution: "to get in better shape." Alright, I'm not mandating that everyone just stop trying and sit on their asses; it' America and we have an obesity problem as it is. But usually people set unrealistic goals for themselves in this category, like to lose twenty pounds by the end of January or to promise to do 2,000 crunches every night before bed. It's just not going to happen, unless of course,
you get a drug addiction or develop a disorder where you literally cannot stop moving, neither of which is perhaps the healthiest choice for the New Year (and you might lost some friends in the process). For this resolution, I say start small, and maybe you won't break it!
2.
This New Year's resolution is usually pronounced by most college students: to do better in school. Usually it involves something like: I will do my reading, I will go to class, I will not leave that twenty page research paper until 3 AM the day it is due, I will not sleep through the first two hours of my midterm and then run to take it while wearing pajamas and holding a ruler which will help me in no way whatsoever on the history test I'm about to take. NO! Yeah, yeah, yeah, we hear it again and again, but by three weeks into the new quarter, it's like "Resolu-
tion, what resolution? Clearly watching clips of "Salute Your Shorts" and "Alex Mack" on YouTube are the most important things I can be doing with my life right now." Eh, there's always next quarter, or semester, or whatever.
3.
Here's a classic: to save your money and stop spending it on frivolous things. YEAH RIGHT!!! Unless you are a perfect person (and if currently you admit to yourself that you are said person, you my friend have a bucketful of other problems), this one is just impossible. Of course it depends on your definition of luxury items. Mine is iced tea from Starbucks, concert tickets, the trail mix I can't resist at Trader Joe's, etc.
Perhaps if your frivolous luxury items are: that new $700 purse, buying five pounds of smoked salmon everyday from Whole Foods, taking spontaneous weekend trips to Bora Bora, etc., well okay, maybe this is a good resolution for you to keep. Yes, in this new economic downturn you should be mindful of what you spend on, but don't deny yourself those small things in life that just make you happy. The next resolution is a personal favorite of mine: getting rid of bad habits. I have made this one countless years in the past. BUT I CAN'T STOP,AHHHHHH. At least that's what I always feel by Day 2. I recently Googled the five most common bad habits which were: sleeping with makeup on, cracking knuckles, ice crunching, nail biting, and reading in the dark. Ummm, well shit, I do around 4/5 of these activities. That's not good. According to this site, I will develop pimples (hmm, yep got those), have a pretty bad grip (yeah I've kinda been
4.
dropping a lot of stuff recently), mess up your teeth (well I guess the dentist sort of mentioned that one), and have horrible vision (uh oh, I'm already wearing contacts). Okay, apparently to save my health, looks, and social skills, I need to stop a few of these—I'll try not breaking this resolution this year, well maybe‌
And our last breakable resolution applies to our current day in age: stop wasting time on the internet. After spending two or three hours Facebook stalking, playing Text Twist, or watching senseless videos on YouTube including a weird, green llama type creature galloping for three straight minutes, do you ever go, "Wow I have done nothing today!"? Alright, well I do. Really, the internet has probably made us a much less productive people. So with the New Year, we can promise that instead of wasting time on the internet, we'll conquer that Tolstoy novel, learn how to cook Eggs Benedict, actually read for class, figure out the meaning of life, etc. We won't though, we'll just always get sucked back in, whether it's by newly posted pictures or some puppets dressed like Harry Potter characters.
OH well,
hap
py
5.
new year!
February Although many a person regards it with cynicism and talks of its’ consumer foundation, Valentine’s Day has always been one of my favorites. It’s red and pink and it conjures up images of hearts and receiving valentines from your schoolmates. Just because you’re not dating anyone doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate—bake cookies or make glittered and glued homemade cards and tell your friends and family how much you love them. Okay, wow, looking back on the last sentence I can see how much this is really not a man’s holiday. Ah, but here’s the part for boys: how to completely f@#$ up your Valentine’s Day Gift. Never fear, I’ll show you what not to do. February’s top 5: the 5 worst Valentine’s Day Gifts.
1.
1. The dreaded Hallmark Card: want to make your girlfriend (possibly boyfriend) mad? Step One: Buy one of those Hallmark cards, I mean the really, really cheesy ones that say something along the lines of “Our love is as unending as the flutter of doves’ wings as they fly over a rainbow into the beautiful, everlasting sunset” or some bullshit like that. Step 2: Just sign your name and nothing else. Step 3: think to yourself, “I don’t have to write anything
else, right? I mean it’s in the card, the doves really say it all.” (Oh fool…). Step 4: when your sig. other gets angry, act as if you have no idea in the world what was wrong with that card, and in fact, get angry right back at him/her for not appreciating the 2 and ½ seconds it took to sign your name. you get a drug addiction or develop a disorder where you literally cannot stop moving, neither of which is perhaps the healthiest choice for the New Year (and you might lost some friends in the process). For this resolution, I say start small, and maybe you won't break it! 2. The pre-wrapped CVS box of chocolates with stuffed bear: No! This screams, “Wait what day is it? Why are people holding flowers all over the place? Oh god, is it Easter?” or “My phone alarm didn’t go off to alert me what today is, so now I am sprinting down to the local pharmacy to get any present they have left,” or something along those lines. Your girlfriend will
2.
see right through you. At least change it up a little: buy an elephant instead of a bear and a bag of cookies instead of chocolates. Then it will seem like you planned it all along, instead of you know, forgetting until an hour before dinner.
3.
3. The next gift applies more to girls: matching shirts/jewelry/cowboy hats/etc. Unless you guys have some sick sense of humor, it’s pretty much the hokiest thing ever to wear matching items, especially if it’s the “I’m with Her/I’m with Him” or the “Property of Mary/Bill” variety. I hope I didn’t offend anyone here, but really, if you are under the age of 50, there has got to be a better gift out there.
4. The “wow it is way too early in the relationship to be giving this to me” gift, i.e. lingerie, thong, or for some I’m sure, edible underwear. Okay so if you’ve only been dating a couple of weeks, lingerie will definitely fall into the category of “too soon.” In fact, it’s a little bit creepy, and it looks like you are expecting way, way too much. While some may definitely appreciate it, for others this gift may be the nail in the coffin of a very young relationship. It’s your gamble, but I say wait a little more than a few weeks to give the lingerie type gift so when you do give it, you won’t be categorized as the “shady guy who gave me underwear on our fourth date.”
4.
5. So my friends and I could not decide if this was in fact the worst Valentine’s gift or the best: the M&M’s that have your face on it (http://www.mymms.com/customprint_faces). I think I decided it’s all about the context. If you just recently started dating and you give your sig. other M&M’s with both of your faces and the message like “love forever and ever” on the back, well yeah, that’s super, super weird. SUPER WEIRD. Or if you’ve been dating a little longer and you put a picture of you two and what you think your future baby will look like, well then yeah, that is SUPER CREEPY! I guess though, if you do it in the funny haha way, look how silly this is, okay you’re good. Otherwise, SUPER CREEPY!
happy
valen
tines day!
(even though that was like, 2 weeks ago...)
vGiDAEMOEvGiDAEMOEvGiDAEM v v v i i OEMvGEiGDAEMDAOEEMOEGDAEMOEGi of the month
vGiDAEMOEvGiDAEMOEvGiDAEM vGiDAEMOEvGOEvGiDAEMOEvGi v