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Monday 5th October 2015
Fr
Freshers’ Edition
ee
The Tab comes offline for Freshers’ week
CANTABS THROW THE ULTIMATE SHADE Talking to Katie Hopkins
5th October 2015
Interview Page 10
Monday
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Peter Hitchens
Oxford trumps Cambridge
Freshers AddicTed to Calpol • CUSU president horrified* • Almost 1000 answers! • 90% admit to taking drugs** *it is safe to assume **More or less Luke Heppenstall-West Editor-in-chief
The Tab can reveal that this year’s set of freshers have been very naughty. The booze fuelled Freshers’ Week of old may this year be superceded by Calpol, ectasy and pot. Sidney Sussex was shown to be particularly celibate, with over 70% of freshers reporting no sexual partners, while Queens’ was revealed to have a problem with cannabis. See pages 8-9 for the full survey results.
Sorry freshers, you should’ve gone to Oxford. Times Higher Education’s 2016 rankings of world universities has put Cambridge at a disastrous fourth place. That means there are three whole universities better than Cambridge – it is an embarrassment to your world-class ego. Full Story—page 4
Punt tours made to provide airline style safety briefing
In a series of new health and safety restrictions laid out for punters by the Conservators of the River Cam, punt operators are now required to give an “airline-style safety briefing” before setting off on the thrilling ride. Full story—page 4
Cu-Screwed? CUSU begged uni for £100k bailout Full story—page 7
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Monday 5th October 2015
Student Survey 2015 | The Tab
Luke Heppen-stall West and Sachin Parathalingam Editors-in-chief
Hey, how’s it going? Really? Damn. We had something like that happen once. Cried for weeks. It’ll pass though. All things do, eventually. Enough of this idle banter. Welcome to The Tab’s Fresher’s Week Print Edition! We’re super excited about it. There’s gossip. There’s laughter. There’s scandal. There are big opinions and bigger pictures. There’s a bingo section. Our amazing team have worked flat out over the summer holiday to compile 40 pages of stuff you’ll hopefully enjoy reading. As the editors with the longest combined surname in the history of student journalism, we are really looking forward to seeing more of you this coming term. We’ve got loads of stuff planned, from bar crawls and club nights to professional talks on how to make it in the media to radio shows to displaying our rear ends in front of famous Cambridge landmarks and having them picked up as far away as China. We’ll be publishing intrigue, comedy, thinkbait and sweet sweet trash every day, keeping you stocked with procrastination material for all of Cambridge’s duller moments. If you’d like to get involved, just email any of the section editors (beautifully laid out to your right) or add us on Facebook. With over a million views a month and ex-writers now working for the likes of the Huffington Post and the Guardian, there’s really nothing like it. It’s also loads of fun. And you get a T-shirt. For now though, here’s to a brilliant Freshers’ Week and an incredible first year. Go and enjoy yourselves. If you’re stuck for something to do, apparently there’s a really cool party happening at Cindies on the 13th. You should definitely go.
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
LUKE HEPPENSTALL-WEST AND SACHIN PARATHALINGAM
SACHIN PARATHALINGAM
LUKE HEPPENSTALL-WEST
DEPUTY EDITORS
JAMES WELLS, ALICE PAVEY AND XAVIER BISITS
JAMES WELLS
ALICE PAVEY
XAVIER BISITS
FRESHERS’ WEEK EDITION 2015
NEWS
FEATURES
Editors: Jon Cooper Cooper and and Alison Alison Devlin Investigations Editors: Jack Benda and Sam Watts news@cambridgetab.co.uk
Editors: Miranda Gabbott and Fraser Newgreen Deputies: Will Popplewell, Julian Sutcliffe & Gabrielle McGuiness features@cambridgetab.co.uk
DEBATE
COLUMNISTS
Editors: Finn McRedmond And Nick Wright Deputy: Allan Hennessy
Patrick Brooks, Louis a Dales, Vica Germanova, Finn McRedmond and Ben Collins.
Edited by JAMES WELLS Designed Designed by by OLIVER OLIVER BALDOCK BALDOCK ,, JON JON COOPER COOPER AND ANDJAMES JAMESWELLLS WELLS
THEATRE, INTERVIEWS AND ILLUSTRATIONS Theatre Editors: Molly O’Connor and Samantha Benson Interviews Editor: Ellie Olcott Illustrator: Ben Brown
By James Wells Editor, Freshers’ Week Edition
Cambridge has had one hell of a summer. From a watery apocalypse that flooded colleges and counted eduroam amongst its victims back in July to the shock revelation that Harvard has jumped ahead in the world rankings, one can only assume there is some kind of conspiracy underway to topple our dominance of higher education. Quite literally, in fact, for one Cambridge professor. Peter Wadhams, a leading climate change scientist not on good terms with Big Oil, told the national press three months ago about his targeting by an elusive death squad.
The Tab believes Professor Wadhams is still alive, but we cannot fully verify this.
targeting by an elusive death squad. In other anti-Cambridge news, Uni is apparently a waste of time altogether. This was the claim made by the Clarissa Farr, headmistress of Oxbridge applicant factory St Paul’s. “Most of our students currently go to the great academic institutions of the world,” she said. “I would forecast in the future that will not be the case.” Fortunately, in August we all forgot about that with the news that Cambridge will be
LIFESTYLE Editors: Phoebe Phoebe Jayes Jayes and and Ploy Ploy Kingchatchaval Deputies: Kuir Murison and Tim Adelani culture@cambridgetab.co.uk
MUSIC, FASHION AND SPORT MusicEditor: Editor: Alfie Music AlfieLambert Lambert FashionEditors: Editors: Gina Fashion GinaWong Wong and Vicci Nelmes and Vicci Nelmes Sports Editor: Alex Thomas Sports Editor: Alex Thomas
welcoming a homeless fresher this year. Jacob Lewis defied the odds to win A*s across the board and is taking up his place at Hughes Halll as you read this. More good news— well, depending on whether or not you mind the history of sexual encounters—came in the form of Caius’ decision not to close Gardies. The story of September, aside from David Cameron’s pig-headedness, was the shock revelation that a Wolfson Don has been put behind bars for swindling £230,000. What’s more, Wolfson hired him unaware of his previous criminal record. So that’s your summery summary—surprisingly shocking. The real news, though, is just about to begin. And, of course, you’ll hear it first from The Tab.
Hesham, 20 from Trinity
The Tab | Student Survey 2015
Monday 5th October 2015
News in Briefs Hesham is one of Cambridge’s real hotties. Taking a break from editing his new magazine, he sat in Union with a book on parliamentary debates, and couldn’t help but wonder what made Gladstone so liberal.
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Monday 5th October 2015
| The Tab
Definitely not the News of the World
Oxford trumps Cambridge in new world university rankings! … CONTINUED FROM THE FRONT PAGE The Times Higher Education (THE) have released their 2015-16 World University Rankings league table, and it makes for grim reading Cantabs. Despite doing some good work to survey and include over 400 new institutions on the table, they’ve put Oxford two places ahead at second. But it’s not all doom and gloom. We’ve improved on last year when we were fifth, and Oxford third. Phil Baty, editor of THE World University Rankings, described Oxford and Cambridge as “star performers”. In total, the UK came out with 78 ranked institutions out of 800 in the table. Factors taken into account include research
income, teaching and international outlook (gap yah?). In fact, it seems there is little that a meagre undergraduate can do to help. Boris Johnson didn’t hold back in flying the flag for London’s universities who featured on the table, stating he is “incredibly proud” that four London institutions place in the top 30. Imperial College London came just after Cambridge, in eighth place. There is some consolation for Cantabrigians used to coming first. Cambridge came second place (after Harvard, but before Oxford) in the World Reputation Rankings 2015.
… CONTINUED FROM THE FRONT PAGE
Oxford University
Sigh. Breathe easy. Back to work everybody.
Sneaky Cambridge Don back behind bars for swindling £230,000 Adam Crafton News Correspondent
Wolfson College has tonight been left shaken as their fellow and Director of Studies David Barrowclough has been jailed for six years after allegedly stealing £230,000 to pay off his mortgage and buy a new car. In further damaging revelations, a court also heard Wolfson employed Barrowclough despite him being sentenced to four years in prison 18 years ago after confessing to 12 counts of theft. The prosecutor Luke Blackburn claimed that Wolfson were not aware of his previous custodial sentence, saying “it is very unlikely he would have got any of these positions had they known.” Barrowclough, 48, was found to have swindled nearly a quarter of a million pounds out of the Heritage Lottery Fund by applying for grants for non-existent archaeological initiatives. A court heard that he used the cash to fund mortgage payments, premium bonds investment and an Alfa Romeo Mito Hatchback. His appointment was allegedly due to an employment
process that saw Barrowclough handed the job on the basis of a CV and covering letter, rather than a more rigorous one which would highlight an individual’s past convictions. B a r r o w c l o u g h , who has been taking antidepressants and attempted suicide, has paid back £70,000 to the HLF but still received a six year prison sentence after being found guilty of eight counts of fraud and one count of deception. The don, whose page on Wolfson College’s website has now been removed, allegedly used false names and forged references to fraudulently seize the cash as grants to fund his projects. The shamed academic received funding for a seven year period between 2006 and 2013, Huntington Law Court heard. Luke Blackburn, prosecuting said: “What the defendant did was an abuse of his position. He was in a position of trust and responsibility. “We suggest this was a sophisticated o f f e n c e for which there was significant planning.” Judge
Peter
Murphy added: “It was an abuse of trust involving public funding”, saying he could not “help but feel particularly for [the defendant’s] father. A man with a proud record of a police officer who was before this court as a prosecution witness.” “You are a man who will stop at nothing almost, in the financial sense, to make some gain for yourself.” A Wolfson College spokesman said: “Dr Barrowclough was suspended from his duties as soon as the College was made aware of the charges against him, pending the outcome of his trial. Now that a guilty verdict has been reached, the College will be taking appropriate action.”
“Ladies and gentleman, keep your seatbelts securely fastened, and take the time to locate your nearest emergency exit. “You’re about to be whisked away down the river at a sensational speed of two miles an hour in a wooden boat by a trained chauffeur”. Punt operators are now required to give an “airline-style safety briefing” before setting off on the thrilling ride. Operators must also “put safety considerations before speed”. Loud noises and amplified music will not be allowed as they are too offputting to the chauffeurs, who are clearly at risk of losing balance, shaking their hips along to the latest Nicki Minaj single. In another new regulation clearly aimed at conserving the River Cam, chauffeurs must now be sober while telling scripted fibs to nonchalant tourists. Chauffeurs must also undergo training and be able to do an “emergency stop”. If a chauffeur is convicted in court for breaching the bylaws, they face a six-month ban. The regulations do not apply to those who hire out their own punts without any former experience, but punt operators must abide by the rules to be legally registered. Under the new
rules, punt guides are also required to save anyone who falls out of the punt from drowning. The tradition of punting on the river Cam is over 100 years old, and the Conservators of the River Cam clearly believe tourists and locals can sleep peacefully now that they know that their favourite pastime will be a little safer. However, Sam Matthews, operator of the Traditional Punting Company, expressed the discontent of punt companies. “As per the usual Conservators stance, they insist that chauffeurs must be fully trained and a minimum age of 16. They then allow over 14s to take out self hires with no training and then wonder why there are so many collisions.” In June, one tourist suffered a head injury after a punt guide stood the metal pole up against a bridge – until it came crashing down onto the woman’s head, knocking her out. A representative of the Conservators told journalists that the new rules “will bring improvements in safety for everyone who enjoys punting. Punt operators sign up to the code and it specifies a range of things, from signage to training to accident reporting. “The revisions brings better, simpler signage and also the potential for a convicted chauffeur to be banned for 6 months following a dangerous punting incident.”
Punt collisions can be lethal
The Tab |
Monday 5th October 2015
Neal Ascherson, King’s Journalist for papers such as The Scotsman, The Observer and The Independent on Sunday. He has also written several books about Polish and Eastern Europe affairs.
The inside word on Cambridge clubs
Cambridge ranks 2nd in the country for its nightlife, a haven of edge and variety.
Head out to Kuda on a Sunday night to rub it up against Cambridge’s elite, who use the insiders’ lingo of “Life” to refer to this hotspot. Leave the talcum powder at home for this one! Kuda is notorious for its ventilation, so you should be able to flirt with your skin all night long. But hip freshers know that Ballare is the place to be on a Wednesday. Even the smokers among you will pass up a nicotine rush outside to enjoy the D Floor, living it up to the latest in British cool. Ballare is a student favourite. Student journalists like to express their love for the institution by making tenuous references to the club in serious articles about mental health and politics to show that they’re cool, much like Cindies, which is Urban Dictionary for “Ballare”. Speaking of the D Floor. Fan of the D Floor? You’ll love Lola’s, which not only has A Floor but Floor B and Floor C. That’s right, three floors. Three times the fun. Three times the tasteful Tiki tables and culturally appropriated outfits. When you’re working as a Spreadsheet Operator in London, you won’t be able to commute up to Cam every weekend, so take advantage of the Clubbing Capital of Cambridgeshire while you can! Love The Tab x
Declan Donnellan, Queens’ Director and writer. He cofounded the theatre company Cheek by Jowl and directed the 2012 film Bel Ami. Declan has won many awards in London, Paris, New York and Mosco, including four Oliviers.
DO YOU FEEL OXBRIDGE HAS PLAYED A CRITICAL ROLE IN GETTING YOU TO WHERE YOU ARE NOW? Liz: Either I have never mentioned it, as it was irrelevant, or it has been useful, yes. However much we might want to feign social embarrassment, or feel an Oxbridge degree sounds in any way posh or not ‘real’ enough, the bottom line is that it IS useful. Ted: Yes, unfortunately - I feel a bit guilty and I’m not sure whether this is a good thing! Having a Cambridge degree automatically opens doors for you. The teaching style builds your confidence and the name on the CV makes it much easier to get interviews for things. Neal: No.
WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE/LEAST FAVOURITE ASPECT OF CAMBRIDGE? Declan: Meeting new people was wonderful. Getting away from home was wonderful. The architecture really meant a lot to me and I loved that. But there was overwhelming anxiety. Fear of failure. Fear of being excluded. Everyone else seems so confident. It took me years to realise that most were as afraid as I was. And, horribly, that I seemed extremely confident too! I so wasn’t, and I thought it was obvious. We frighten each other unintentionally. Ted: Being constantly surrounded by so many amazing, motivated, talented and creative people. And the village atmosphere - you literally can’t walk down the street without bumping into people you know. I’ll miss that. However, sometimes the colleges feel like they’re run for the sake of the fellows, rather than the students and
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Liz Fraser, Clare
Ted Loveday, Gonville and Caius University Challenge champ and aspiring barrister
Best-selling author and broadcaster. Liz just completed her first solo stand-up run at the Edinburgh Fringe and is now presenting her own new radio show, @ thebiteshow, from September.
young people they’re meant to be educating. Jack: My favourite is that the centre is like a village where you constantly bump into people and everything is easy. My least favourite is the eight week terms—far too short and it feels like it’s over as soon as it’s started. Neal: Most: lifelong friendships founded on nights of talk and drink. Least: the tendency of dons to tell students that the interesting, romantic times are over, so shut up and listen to us being nostalgic about when we were young.
WHAT WAS A TYPICAL NIGHT OUT FOR YOU? Ted: In first year, it would probably involve Cindies. In second year, drinking and gossiping about politics in the Union office. In third year, there were way too many late evenings at the ADC bar. Oh, who am I kidding? I probably spent more nights in the library than any of these. And you probably will too. Declan: A night out was the “eros” restaurant. The glasses were hot, everything kept with chips and salad, it was dirt cheap and a charming article in broadsheet was entitled “those seen eating alone at the Eros this week”… Liz: We had no mobile phones or email back then, so the only way to meet everyone was in the bar. We’d generally go to Buttery, then either stay there, chat, drink in the bar and play table football. There was no Netflix or internet, so basically social life was talking to people. Honestly, it’s very hard for me to think back to a world like that! But there it was. And we were pretty happy. Neal: Most: lifelong friendships founded on nights of talk and drink. Least: the tendency of dons to tell students that the interesting, romantic
Jack Rivlin, Downing Editor-in-Chief and co-founder of The Tab
times are over, so shut up and listen to us being nostalgic about when we were young.
IF YOU COULD GIVE YOURSELF ONE PIECE ADVICE AS A FRESHER GOING INTO CAMBRIDGE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Neal: Always follow your own interest. The old adage still works: what interests you interests the examiner. Declan: Try very hard not to care about what people think of you.. put your work always before your career.. look after your work - your career will look after itself. DON’T WORRY ABOUT YOUR CAREER. Make sure you are living now and taking joy in life. Take pleasure in the present and make a sharp distinction between the joy of living in the present, experiencing and living the ups and the downs, instead of having a driven, hysterical permanent “good time”. Liz: Don’t worry. Please. Don’t worry, don’t look at the bigger picture, and stop thinking and worrying about jobs and life and the future. You are here, NOW. You are very very young. Just make good friends, if you’re unhappy TELL SOMEONE, get out of your room, stay on top of your work, and just realise that this is three short years of a very long life, which will take twists and turns you can’t even imagine now. This is an EASY time. The world of work and family is much, much harder. Enjoy it. Please. Ted: If you’ve ever got a choice between working and spending time with your friends, always pick the friends. They’ll stay with you for the rest of your life. Jack: If you’re going to the loo at Cindies, wear some wellies.
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Monday 5th October 2015
| The Tab
Vice Chancellor: don’t raise fees, we’re rich enough! Jon Cooper News Editor
The vice-chancellor of Cambridge University, Sir Leszek Borysiewicz, has told journalists he would be “concerned” if tuition fees rose above £9,000.
He said that he didn’t want the rise, due to “the problems that it would cause to individual students or their desire to access higher education”. Saying Cambridge had no interest in lobbying the government for a fee rise, he estimated it costs £16,700 per year to provide an undergraduate degree, but that the university could make up the difference due to its investments. The statement contrasts with Oxford’s Professor Hamilton calling for
fees to reflect the “real cost” of education in 2013. Borysiewicz said that Oxbridge was a “complete mythology”, and that “we are distinctive organisations with our own strategies and directions”. The comparison has led some to question whether Oxford is simply struggling financially, as Cambridge simultaneously roars ahead in league tables, or simply wants to upset its students. The vice chancellor also questioned the government’s proposal to let institutions that perform well under the new “Teaching Excellence Framework” to increase fees in line with inflation. George Osborne emphasised that “high quality teaching” could raise fees from 2017-18 in his July budget
speech.
Olly Hudson, a second year HSPS student at Sidney Sussex, questioned Borysiewicz’s haste. “It’s great the Vice Chancellor is finally waking up to the reality that fee rises offer a pretty clear fuck-off barrier to students, and it would have been great if more of a noise had been made when fees were, you know, tripled, but there we go”. Second year Pembroke Historian Jo Hirudo agreed, saying: “This will definitely make me question my logic the next time I sing ‘I’d rather be at Oxford than St. John’s”. Right: Leszek Borysiewicz, Vice Chancellor of Cambridge University
Cambridge named best university in the country Jon Cooper News Editor
Just days after Cambridge was named the best British university in the QS World University Rankings, the Sunday Times Good University Guide 2016 has also named the university the best in the country. The news comes after last year’s guide put Cambridge and Oxford on an equal footing with first place. Cambridge trumped its traditional rival after research ratings published last December showed it to be top place. Not only did Cambridge gain a clear overall lead, but it topped more than half of the guide’s 66 subject tables, despite not offering all of the subjects. The dropout rate was also the lowest in the country at 1.6%. Cambridge’s other university, Anglia Ruskin, did not fare so well. Placed at a measly 108th, the university nevertheless saw improvement on 110th last year. Student satisfaction,
however, was rated higher at ARU. Reflecting on the result, a spokesman from Cambridge University told The Tab that “The University of Cambridge’s position in the 2016 Sunday Times University League Table reflects the fact that we are among the most respected and influential higher education institutions in the world, with a portfolio of world-leading research.” While the university is clearly beaming with yet another accolade, the announcement has, however, met more scepticism in the undergraduate population. Fitz Law student and Guardian journalist, Allan Hennessy, said: “Until now, I had always thought I went to an awful and unprivileged university. Thanks to the Sunday Times’ affirmation, I can now sleep at night and tell people where I study. “But seriously though… who actually gives a shit?”
The Tab |
Monday 5th October 2015
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Tompkins Table 2015
The Tompkins Table published in The Independent reveals Trinity coming out on top with 41% of its graduates getting firsts and swanky Magdalene coming out second for the first time in history…
The Gangsters CU-Screwed?!
Molly O’Connor and James Wells
ONLY in the bizarrely complicated and nonsensical world of student politics can an organisation seek a bailout because of lost income from a lucrative contract they themselves decided to terminate.
Got it? No, probably not. We didn’t either the first time. In short, CUSU have cocked-up again because they prioritised their bizarre ideals before the real world. The (surprising or unsurprising?) revelations have come from the recently released minutes of the meeting of the Council Committee for the Supervision of the Student Unions. Held on 11 May 2015, the meeting saw CUSU seek a bailout from the university to the tune of £100,000. This was to replace significant “lost income” that left CUSU unable to fulfil its commitments to students without accepting emergency funding from the university under “exceptional” circumstances. CUSU General Manager Mark McCormack stated in the meeting that CUSU expected to make a loss £67,000 by the end of the 2014/2015 financial year. While CUSU refuses to accept claims of financial mismanagement, Mr McCormack isn’t really one to talk. The Tab broke the news that he controversially enjoyed an 18% pay rise of £6,500 in 2013. The Council Committee stated that it would be
“difficult” for the committee to have confidence in future CUSU budgets following the bailout and they stressed that “it would not expect to support any application for emergency funding in the event that CUSU’s commercial ventures failed to achieve the anticipated levels of income.” But you can’t keep CUSU down, it seems. The committee describes CUSU as having forecast “ambitious” income targets for its budget in the new academic year. CUSU have refused to apologise for putting crucial student services at risk after their “commercial services and fundraising . . . underperformed”. This blasé attitude rankles with comments made by President Priscilla Mensah in an interview with The Tab, in which she eulogised over the CUSU advice service. She emphasised how important it is and said her mission is “to ensure students know about it.” The Council Committee cited in particular the failure of the annual Guide to Excellence to generate the expected £40,945 as a “significant hole” in CUSU finances. The minutes state that “the income from external publications contracts provided a core part of the funding on which CUSU relied to support its’ services for students.” CUSU is one of the largest student publishers in Europe and makes a great deal of its income from publishing. Although profiting from the annual Guide to
Excellence publishing contract, CUSU decided they no longer wanted anything to do with the thing (perhaps the most irrelevant book in history until today’s publicity storm). Which is odd because The Guide to Excellence is about nothing other than the “50year history of CUSU” itself. Priscilla discontinued it out of concern it would damage the “reputation of the university” (because it is so self-indulgent?). But it has indeed ended up doing just that. In response to these allegations, Mensah has stated that CUSU has “just finished its fourth year in surplus” with money in CUSU reserves as a “pre-emptive financial buffer.” This seems to be corroborated by publicly available CUSU accounts submitted to the Charity Commission, the most recent of which is dated the 30th of June 2014. But, despite these surpluses, the minutes of the Council Committee show that CUSU, when asked if they would consider a loan, replied that they had but “further thought would need to be given to whether it would be possible to repay it.” S p e a k i n g to Varsity, Mensah denies that any financial mismanagement had taken place and despite the minutes referring to CUSU having “failed to achieve it’s targets for [commercial] income in 2014-15”, Mensah insists that “the minutes do not say that the publication [Guide to Excellence] failed.”
Trinity 2nd year Historian Mariella Salazar said: “Although I didn’t contribute to these results myself I’m not surprised Trinity has come out on top. The college has a culture of working hard and our results are a reflection of this” Rising from 10th in 2014 to 2nd in the league table, Magdalene’s performance is impressive. In 2013 it was placed 15th and in previous years it has often remained at the very bottom of the league. 33.1 per cent of Magdalene graduates achieved firsts this year. The red indicates those colleges moving down the table whilst the green indicates those moving up. Trinity, Queen’s, Sidney Sussex, St Edmunds and Lucy Cavendish haven’t moved from their spot in 2014.
2015 (2014)
College
Firsts
1 (1)
Trinity
41%
2 (10)
Magdalene
33.1%
3 (6)
Churchill
31.7%
4 (5)
Emmanuel
30.3%
5 (2)
Pembroke
31.6%
6 (12)
Peterhouse
30.3%
7 (7)
Queen’s
28.8%
8 (3)
Trinity Hall
28.8%
9 (11)
Downing
27.5%
10 (16)
St John’s
28.1%
11 (4)
Jesus
27.4%
12 (13)
Selwyn
25.5%
13 (21)
St Catharines
25.1%
14 (9)
Christ’s
23.8%
15 (8)
Clare
26.0%
16 (20)
Robinson
24.8%
17 (17)
Sidney Sussex
21.6%
18 (14)
King’s
26.3
19 (15)
Gonville & Caius
22.8%
20 (19)
Fitzwilliam
22.8%
21 (22)
Newnham
19.3%
22 (18)
Corpus Christi
21.1%
23 (26)
Murray Edwards
16.6%
24 (23)
Girton
16.6%
25 (27)
Hughes Hall
15.9%
26 (25)
Wolfson
18.1%
27 (24)
Homerton
13.0%
28 (28)
St Edmunds
18.5%
29 (29)
Lucy Cavendish
9.1%
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Monday 5th October 2015
Student Survey 2015 | The Tab
T he Fr esher ’s
Says Another naughty year OUR highly scientific and accurate survey results show that Cambridge might be seeing its most disgraceful year yet.
The news can perhaps be explained by a drop in student numbers applying to our prestigious institution. This year saw a drop of around 350 students applying to the university, while the proportion of state school students rose still. The socialist scum found in every crevice of our university and government are intent on letting riffraff at any costs. So, 2015 freshers, welcome to Cambridge. Keep smoking pot, shagging everywhere you look and tarnishing the name of the greatest university in the world.
Sex, Drugs
• 90% OF FRESHERS ADMIT TO TAKING DRUGS • SIDNEY SUSSEX FRESHERS HAVE HAD THE LEAST SEX
CUSU we don’t love you ONCE again it seems our beloved students’ union has got itself into a spot of bother.
This magnificent consortium of “autonomous campaigns”, bureaucrats and the elected officers is nothing short of a farce. The behaviour of this year’s CUSU team, who refuse to apologise for their financial mess—bailed out by the university no less!—puts them in a class of low-life so low that only City bankers could be their friends. The honourable resignation of VW’s Chief Executive over the emissions scandal—who similarly may not be responsible for what happened—is a model of leadership that appears almost godly compared to CUSU’s top brass. After years of making unpopular decisions and fighting free speech, it seems CUSU may finally meet its maker. And all because their bizarre ideals—that publishing the annual Guide to Excellence might somehow be offensive—got in the way of actually staying afloat. Like the University finance department, we can’t wait to see the back of these champagne socialists. After all, who needs the essential services they provide?
World’s worst Uni!!! IT’S league table season and we love it.
This year it seems Cambridge is falling in the Times Higher Education World rankings, but reigns supreme in the national ones. A real rollercoaster ride I think you will agree.
Weed. Ganja. Mary Jane. These are all words you are unlikely to hear in Cambridge. Perhaps it’s the economics of supply and demand affecting a small town. Perhaps it’s the negative effect cannaboids have on your neourtransmitters, which you’ll actually need for thinking. Maybe it’s just that we’re not actually, when it all comes down to it, very cool. These are all the freshers who said they’d never smoked weed. Topping off our antistoner list is Homerton. I can’t think of anything rude to say about Homerton, so let’s move on. Sidney Sussex is still in the running as “most boring college” at a close third (seriously guys, what have you done with the last 18 years?), while Queens’, Jesus and Clare all clearly have something to prove.
Homerton Newnham Sidney Sussex Christ’s Emmanuel Robinson Wolfson Downing Trinity Hall Peterhouse Corpus Christi Gonville and Caius St John’s Pembroke Trinity St Catharine’s Churchill Fitzwilliam Magdalene Murray Edwards Girton King’s Selwyn Queens’ Jesus Clare
76.9% 74.2% 72.2% 68.8% 66.0% 65.2% 61.5% 60.9% 60.0% 59.4% 59.1% 58.3% 57.1% 56.7% 56.7% 52.0% 51.4% 50.0% 50.0% 47.1% 46.7% 46.2% 44.4% 43.2% 41.7% 31.4%
The Tab | Student Survey 2015
Monday 5th October 2015
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Sur ve y Re sul ts ar e in!
and Vintage Port Topping our list of freshers who told us that they have had no sexual partners is Sidney - probably as most seduction attempts flounder after the line “our college has a silly name, doesn’t it?”. Dropping in at third is a surprise, stereotype-busting, entry from Medwards, just going to show you can’t believe the spurious overused bullshit people say about your college when they lack the creativity to make jokes of their own. G r a d college Wolfson (the only o n e with enough results to make it onto o u r survey) has a strong showing. That’s probably just as well, as the stench of old people and death is said to act as an antiaphrodisiac and should limit their misadventures over their next few years. Also keeping their cool are Clare and Fitz. Rad stuff guys, rad stuff.
Fitzwilliam St Catharine’s Wolfson Clare Jesus Queens’ Girton Homerton King’s Trinity Magdalene Corpus Christi Pembroke Downing Churchill Sidney Sussex Emmanuel Selwyn St John’s Robinson Gonville and Caius Trinity Hall Newnham Peterhouse Murray Edwards Christ’s
20.8% 20.3% 20.0% 17.2% 17.1% 17.1% 16.7% 15.4% 15.0% 14.7% 13.9% 13.6% 13.3% 13.0% 12.1% 11.1% 10.4% 10.0% 9.5% 9.1% 8.3% 6.7% 6.3% 6.1% 5.9% 4.6%
Sidney Sussex Peterhouse Murray Edwards Christ’s Churchill Magdalene Newnham Selwyn Emmanuel Trinity St John’s Trinity Hall St Catharine’s Corpus Christi Robinson Gonville and Caius Girton Pembroke Queens’ Homerton King’s Jesus Downing Fitzwilliam Clare Wolfson
These were those freshers who said they’d had sex with between four to ten people. Fitz regains its glitz a bit. More interesting will be the shock St. Catz students have when they realise when they have sex in college, not only will everybody else know about it, they will probably have heard it too. Lol. St Catz is small. By the way, Girton is far away.
72.2% 54.5% 52.9% 50.8% 42.4% 41.7% 40.6% 40.0% 39.6% 38.2% 38.1% 33.3% 32.0% 31.8% 31.8% 31.3% 30.0% 30.0% 28.6% 28.2% 27.5% 25.7% 21.7% 20.8% 13.8% 10.1%
Queens’ Fitzwilliam Wolfson Clare Jesus Corpus Christi Girton Trinity Hall Sidney Sussex Gonville and Caius Christ’s Magdalene Downing Robinson St Catharine’s Homerton Newnham Emmanuel Peterhouse St John’s Trinity Murray Edwards Churchill Selwyn Pembroke King’s
It’s not that we don’t trust you guys, it’s just we’re highly suspicious of anyone who claims to have slept with more than 15 people before coming here AND smokes weed three times a day. Surely you just wouldn’t have the energy. Not that I blame you. Below is the percentage of people from each college who are unwilling to sink to our level. Age and cynicism clearly mix, with Wolfson (17.7% bullshit responses) coming first, way ahead of next-best Murray Edwards (8.8%). Sidney Sussex sink even further into
24.3% 16.7% 15.4% 14.3% 13.9% 13.6% 13.3% 13.3% 11.1% 10.4% 9.4% 8.8% 8.7% 8.7% 8.0% 7.7% 6.5% 6.4% 6.3% 6.3% 6.0% 5.9% 5.7% 5.6% 3.3% 2.6%
Queens’ came top for freshers who told us they smoked pot a few times a week. King’s is (surprisingly) at the bottom. A split at the very heart of the monarchy. Evidently, these freshers can all read. As for managing anything more than this, well, good luck with exam term, that’s all I say.
Luke Heppenstall-West Editor-in-Chief There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned survey. In a world full of multinational corporations eagerly trying to coerce every mediocre aspect of your mediocre lives from you so as to best advertise exactly the kind of yoghurt you want to buy, it was refreshing to discover we could find out the your most intimate secrets simply by asking intrusive questions. Up yours, Suckerburg. The response to our Fresher’s survey was as incredible as it was alarming. After trawling through almost 1,000 answers (give or take about 50 purged for being “bullshit”) and with more visits to the Excel “help” forum than an English intern desperately lamenting their lack of transferable skills, we’ve been able to put together so much information on you lot that you can finally answer the eternal question: “do I actually fit in?” The results may surprise you.
pink Rabies, ey their own beige mire, docilely ye, donk e revealing all as we milk them dick. like the information cows they are at 0%. At least they’re not the only ones, you nerds. We’ve compiled some of the best bullshit comments for you above and below.
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ur wh ere yo That one es all the ch eye twit you have this d time an ng for lookavi weird cr ple's feet ing at peo
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Monday 5th October 2015
Interview | The Tab
Closing The ‘Kingdom of the Mind’ Peter Hitchens thinks Cambridge is self-destructively shutting out “ideas it doesn’t like”
Dan Selwyn Interviewer
“No-one likes us, we don’t care” so goes one of sport’s most infamous chants, sung by the supporters of Millwall Football Club. It’s not hard to think of public figures who embody a similarly unabashed approach towards their own unpopularity; Peter Hitchens, the outspoken author and Daily Mail journalist, is undoubtedly one of them. He even prefixes his own name with ‘The Hated’ because, he tells me, “I might as well get some enjoyment out of it”.
‘Even thick people can embrace ideas they don’t understand’ Following last year’s controversy, from Greer at the Union to Farage’s no-show, I thought it would be interesting to start the interview by reopening ‘that’ can of worms and hearing what one of the most vocal practitioners of the freedom to express unpalatable opinions had to say on the matter. What it boils down to is this, Hitchens argues: “freedom of speech isn’t freedom of speech unless it extends to people you absolutely loathe”. Even though he recognised the distinction between having the freedom to express objectionable opinions and
being given a platform from which to share them, he says it’s “particularly shaming at a university, which is supposed to be a kingdom of the mind to close it to ideas it doesn’t like”. I point out that the threat to freedom of speech comes by no means exclusively from a noisy student Left. There has been a challenge from the opposite end of the political spectrum with the government’s counter-extremism legislation, measures Hitchens describes as “very worrying”. These proposals include the blacklisting of ‘extremists’ from universities. Hitchens’ concern is the presumption that someone has the right, or, more importantly, the power to decide what is acceptable speech and what isn’t “I don’t think the government should have that power”. With this, the conversation moved onto a scathing attack of the Tory Party, “the principal obstacle to conservative politics” in Britain. Hitchens has never hid his dislike for their latest regenerations.
“students don’t have to take any responsibility” He is a proper Conservative: “respect the past and its decisions above all things, and leave people alone as much as possible”. In a world in which “the Left dominates the culture”, the Right has had to compromise and “take on its ideas”, he said, sounding almost paranoid. This is why there’s
“nothing between Cameron” who Hitchens has referred to as Mr. Slippery “and Blair at all”. They both come from the same philosophical origins, apparently; those being Marxism and Communism. Who knew? “Even thick people can embrace ideas they don’t understand”, Hitchens states, though I’m not entirely sure if he’s referring to the political parties or me here. What’s clear is that “there’s been a funeral” for his conception of conservatism. By the sounds of it, there weren’t many at the wake. He is, however, qualified to talk at length (which he does) about the political ideology of the Left, this much becomes clear. As you’d expect, Hitchens confirmed he wouldn’t have been caught up in Corbyn-mania while he was a student. But that was only because he saw him as a “useless reformist…a bit of a compromiser” at the time. Confused? Well, that’s what he thought “when I was a Trot” yes, Peter Hitchens used to be a member of the Trotskyist International Socialists. How did he end up there? The answer to this is equally bizarre. He’d hoped to spend his young adulthood in the Navy “sinking the Queen’s enemies”. When the Empire collapsed, the only logical conclusion for a self-confessed “disappointed imperialist” was to become a young revolutionary instead. Quite the leap, but you probably had to be there. It’s fair to say his views have changed. When I ask
why he berates me for a such a boring question. I should be focusing on the 60-yearold revolutionaries and leftwingers who “haven’t grown up, withdraw their pensions and still go to Rolling Stones concerts. What’s wrong with these people?” Certainly not an impeccable taste in music. Hitchens fits into the stereotype of student socialists leaving university and becoming raving Tories. Why might there be this connection between students and the Left? “Because students don’t have to take any responsibility for the things they do or say”, he laughed in response. Don’t tell a guy in charge of feeding a morbidly obese cat that he doesn’t know anything about responsibility, please. Hitchens doesn’t see an enormous gulf between having to put up with this government, “fraudulent about its purposes and often ignorant about its actions”, and one led by Corbyn, which would “at least be open” about
it what it’s doing. An unexpected halfendorsement the Corbyn camp was presumably awaiting with bated breath. But Hitchens doesn’t care much for any of the parties on offer to him “I’d be happy with one that even vaguely represents me”. Nothing worse than someone fishing for sympathy; not from me Peter, not from me. The hour long phone call was peppered with characteristic controversy and occasional absurdity: addiction is a “fantasy”, the Tories are “extremely left-wing”, the War on Drugs is a figment of our imagination and New Labour were Marxist. Even Corbyn is electable, for Christ’s sake. It seemed for large parts of the discussion as if no truism I’ve held dear would be spared from attack in the parallel universe Hitchens sometimes appears to inhabit. Or maybe I’m the mad one? After all, even Millwall win occasionally.
The Tab | Features
Monday 5th October 2015
Student Activism Pennying The Tabs Guide to
The self-parody of the right beats the self-righteousness of the left Simon Thompson Angry correspondent
Nobel Peace Prize Winner Henry Kissinger is sometimes incorrectly quoted as saying that “academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low”.
If you’re wondering, the stakes are even lower at university. Yes, fresher, even if it’s Cambridge. Apart from a few bursts of campaigning around elections, student wannabe cabinet ministers waste their breath and spare cardboard placards on the pointless and irrelevant. Some – like CUCA, the Conservative Association – do away with the pretence of it all. Their activism – choosing the best wines to pair with cheese – is a charming exercise in self-parody. The student left, though, brings a nauseating degree of self-importance and selfrighteousness. Either you’ll fall for it or, like most people, spend three years being a little irked by it all. Nothing was more irking than Whose University? – an organisation dedicated to dismantling the “neoliberal university”, as well as the conventional use of punctuation. In practical terms, this means giving lip service to important issues like mental health, but undermining any attempt to actually improve things by muddying this clear purpose with conspiratorial nonsense. It would be easier to take them seriously if their founder hadn’t issued a testimony built around the lament that “in second year I had a huge, newly-refurbished kitchen which contained only a fridge, a toaster and a microwave”. It’s little surprise that Cambridge has problems with access when the self-appointed defenders of the marginalised come across as whingers unable to cope without a bread maker, fondue set and espresso machine. This same “activist” took issue with the fact that in the holidays her college decided to subsidise her education by renting out its facilities for a conference during the holidays. Imagine her horror when she found her college café – the only place she felt comfortable studying – “taken over” by suit-wearing outsiders. (As if it’s reasonable to demand exclusive access to a coffee
shop when other students manage fine working in one of Cambridge’s 116 libraries or – gasp – their rooms.) When the Cambridge Union Society invited Germaine Greer to speak, the student left got themselves into a huff again. It goes without saying that Greer has said some terrible things about trans people. But there’s a massive leap of logic necessary to believe that offering one of the 20th century’s most influential feminist writers a “platform” would enhance her credibility. Especially given that this same platform is one that’s been given to Marine Le Pen, Muammar al-Gaddafi and Jerry Springer. The rationale for boycotting the Union relies upon a view of Cambridge students as gullible idiots who are unable to filter arguments and who therefore must rely upon an enlightened, far-left minority to perform this task for them. Of course, the real concern may have been that these transphobic comments may be triggering to trans students - this however doesn’t mesh well with the use of verbatim quotes from her most awful statements during the campaign to boycott her. Cambridge Defend Education – another far left organisation you’ll see at the Fresher’s Fair with edgy hand-drawn placards and distinctively red literature – ran a similar campaign against David Willetts, a wonkish and bookish minister whose only
crime was being the architect of a policy these social justice warriors happened to disagree with. The group had previously demonstrated their commitment to “defending” education by occupying Lady Mitchell Hall – the site of another Willetts speech – causing the cancelling of lectures. Even assuming that unfurling a banner telling Willetts to “fuck off” had any chance of making a difference, the target of CDE was a bizarre choice. Considering only high earning individuals will ever pay off their student loans, the only individuals who would be put off higher education are whatever subset of the population are simultaneously clever enough to make it into university and dim enough to not be able to understand income-based repayment systems. These activists aren’t going to go away. But don’t be fooled into thinking it’s because they have broad popular support. Instead, it’s because an ever vocal group of the same old people continually succeed in disrupting life for everyone else. Most people continue to live life without angst about their kitchen, breakdowns about losing their favourite study spot and panic attacks over the influence of the Union. Those who don’t will find their comfort at the narrow end of a megaphone.
Will Popplewell Deputy Features Editor
For some the concept may be familiar. If a penny makes its way into your drink, you must down said drink in the name of patriotic fervour. Leave the penny in there too long, or fail to rescue it at all, and the poor Queen will, obviously, drown. But that’s not all. Allow The Tab to enlighten you. Pennying is a drinking game played at several universities, including Cambridge. Yet we - naturally - have our own separate rules which you must learn by heart before your first formal dinner, or risk social ostracisation for life. You have been warned. Firstly, it has to be a penny coin. This is perhaps self-explanatory in the name ‘pennying’, but it’s worth clarifying. We don’t care about the Queen if she’s embossed onto any other coin, it’s only the small copper ones that have the magical quality to drown her by proxy. The next most important rule is that you can not penny / be pennied if the glass in question is being touched - i.e. if you’re holding your glass, you’re safe. If you break any of these rules, e.g. pennying a glass someone is holding, you must down your drink instead. Similarly, you may not penny a glass that already has a penny in it. This is called a ‘double penny’, and is a strict violation of the Revenge rules. pennying is also forbidden, which means pennying someone back after they have just pennied you. So don’t penny someone who’s just been pennied, or the person who just pennied you… Seems a little restrictive doesn’t it? Of course, you won’t stay safe by keeping your glass empty. As the adage goes, ‘an empty glass is a full glass’, and if someone pennies your empty glass, then the successful ‘pennyer’ may fill
the glass to the level that he or she wishes you to drink. A more disputed rule is over catching the penny in your teeth as you down the glass, which means the person who pennied you must also down their drink. At The Tab we do not endorse this rule, as it’s simply too easy. What’s more, whilst it has the appearance of making people drink more, in actual fact it discourages people from being offensive in the game, thereby reducing the amount of pennying and drinking, and this is always a bad thing.
We don’t care about the Queen if she’s embossed onto any other coin, There are also some extensions to the game, beyond pure ‘in-glass’ pennying. At The Tab we’re relaxed about that kind of thing, so we’ll fill you in anyway. Firstly, the ‘five penny’ comes into play during dessert. If someone gets a five-penny coin into your dessert before you touch it with your cutlery, you forfeit the right to use said cutlery. Thus, you eat it with your face. Engineer pennying is a far more wicked invention. The engineers have some awful contraption which bends pennies (don’t ask me how it works, I’m an arts student). The crucial thing is that these now fit down the neck of a wine bottle. If someone succeeds in getting an engineer penny into your wine bottle, you must do your patriotic duty and down the entire bottle. Most people take pity and will not engineer penny during a formal, or into a full bottle of wine, but there’s always the odd wanker who will. Pennying is sneakier than your average drinking game. It’s very rare for a game to officially start or end; rather, you should assume that the game is always underway during any formal hall or swap. Claiming ignorance of the game or the rules is never an excuse. Finally, many colleges do not permit pennying during formal halls. Many students do it anyway. We’ll let you weigh the odds, just avoid the head butler.
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Monday 5th October 2015
Interview | The Tab
Interview
Dawn of the New Cusu? JAMES WELLS Editor, Freshers’ Week Edition
How time flies. Two months into the job already and with less than ten months remaining, Priscilla Mensah should be well into her stride as CUSU President. Elected back in March in an election that was actually an election – for once, there was more than one candidate mad enough to run for the job – Priscilla assumed the Presidency at the start of July with a fistful of (dare I say it) exciting policies and a democratic mandate considerably greater than her predecessor. I caught up with her to find out whether or notour students’ union is on the verge of becoming interesting.
I start with the basics, the story so far. As stories go, it’s a rather empty one, so I won’t waste your time other than to remark that, while a week might be a long time in politics, in the world of student politics it really isn’t. Other than
the Freshers’ Fair, there’s not much Priscilla can tell me. She’s been planning “a couple of cool events” (“which I can’t confirm necessarily right now”), contacting JCR presidents (“I’ve only heard back from a couple of committees so far”) and deliberating over the campaign “narrative” for the year (what’s left of it). In an effort to sound more interesting, Priscilla talks at great length about the last of these. I am left with an image of the CUSU team whiling away the long summer days tossing back and forth various political platitudes: “‘what is our campaign for the year? What is supposed to be the overarching narrative that bridges all the different things and brings them all together?’ We consider that this year to be equality of opportunity.” I don’t dissent. Equality is always nice to hear about. David Cameron’s “Big Society” was also nice to hear about. To be fair to Priscilla, she might actually shake things up. Most striking is her ambition to level the playing field between the colleges in terms of academic
provision – in contact time, quality of supervisors, size of the workload, to name a few aspects. Her call for a “departmentalisation across courses” was, she says, “one of the big things” responsible for her election success. She is less bullish about how it is to be implemented. While it is “clear more needs to be done”, Priscilla (much like her predecessors) is depressingly uncertain about what can be done. “I think I will refrain from answering that question right now, but I do think I will be able to answer it later in the year when we’ve got more ideas. We’re at the data stage at the moment.” Fascinating stuff. Of course, the widely held belief CUSU says a lot and does very little is one of its biggest problems. To a degree, you can sympathise with Priscilla. She concedes CUSU has “no power to physically implement things. It’s about trying to make that case to get agreement from colleges and that must be one of the hardest things of my job this year and I think any president will say the same thing and every officer too.”
But she says the problem is not insurmountable. Progress is being made, she points out, with rent negotiations. “We’re trying to provide training to ensure that presidents and other officers are able to go into these rent negotiations with their colleges better prepared.” CUSU also has a say in how tutors are trained. Unfortunately, the CUSU School of Tutor Training isn’t opening any time soon – Priscilla and the gang aren’t allowed to train our tutors directly. But, she says, they are slowly alerting the university to better approaches. CUSU trains, CUSU advises. CUSU sounds disturbingly like a management consultancy – and the acronym certainly doesn’t help. But, as Priscilla points out, the one thing you cannot joke about is the advice service, particularly its sexual health provision. It is perhaps the one part of CUSU – aside from access – which students really feel the benefits of, often quite literally. Priscilla enthuses about the advice service, stressing “we need to ensure students know about it –
The Tab | Interview
Monday 5th October 2015
“She lacks authenticity” because I didn’t know about it. Come and talk to them about everything from changing college, about your exams, how to appeal your results.”
Priscilla’s kneejerk reaction – before I’d even begun – was to spiel the standard line about how important it is that CUSU campaigns remain autonomous. This is
discussion is. As Priscilla’s opponent in the CUSU elections, Katie Akers, puts it, “you just can’t enforce a policy of noplatforming everywhere, particularly in the digital
“Your first and la st encounter with Cambridge Unive ity’s encounter with “Your first andrslast Students’ Union” Cambridge University’s
Students’ Union” Spreading the message is, of course, where the president comes in. Did last year’s president, Helen Hoogewerf McComb, do a good job? On this, like so many other things, Priscilla is diplomatically vague. “I think things could have been done better. I think so many things were done very well. The team works so hard year in year out”. One aspect of CUSU far from universally admired last year was the Women’s Campaign and its vigorous boycotting of, amongst others, Germaine Greer’s visit to the Union in Lent.
all very well and good, but I wanted to know was where she stood on the issue of no platforming– given she’s president and all. (For those freshers not yet aware, the no platform bug has become epidemic in Cambridge recently.) Despite repeated questioning, Priscilla sticks to her record-player response: “The Women’s Campaign is an autonomous campaign … a liberation campaign … we cannot tell those campaigns what to do.” That’s a shame, since, in smothering debate, no-platforming isn’t liberating – enlightening others through
age. Surely, it’s preferable to actively challenge morally objectionable words and conduct in a forum that is mediated than in an unpoliced arena, where the vulnerable can still find themselves exposed to the vitriol”. It is on controversies like these that Priscilla, unfortunately, disappoints. As a leader, she is affable and her heart is clearly in the right place. But, to use the current buzzword of the Trump-Corbyn age, she lacks authenticity. She shies away from getting too involved. Which amounts to a CUSU
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Cindies & Life which is not more engaged: it is simply unengaged. The election back in March revolved around this issue. One candidate, Milo Edwards, initially thought the best approach was to take the piss, promising to hold referenda, a reading week in Reading and sport on Wednesday afternoons in an effort to prove CUSU actually listens to Cantabs. Unfortunately, Priscilla won’t talk about Milo Edwards – her policy is “not to comment”. She won’t say anything controversial at all, in fact. When I ask what the worst thing was while campaigning, she answers “riding my bike from Girton.” But, in all honesty, Priscilla sounds perfect for the job. In an interview with last year’s team, CUSU is reduced to two words: ‘reports’ and ‘committees’. The election may have been about flash new policies, but the daily reality for the CUSU team is more about navigating Cambridge’s messy bureaucratic governance. Helen, last year’s president, was very clear about this. “A lot of it isn’t relevant to students, but in there you could have a little paragraph about something that would radically change a student’s experience.” And, yes, it does yield results, at least partially – recently it was announced that the university is finally going to review the ridiculous tradition of publicly displaying class lists. If you can’t fight the system, join it. Priscilla, less a politician than a bureaucrat, is exactly what CUSU needs.
BOOKING OPENS 16 TH OCTOBER
“We care” Jon Cooper News Editor
IN A SNUB to Fez, Revs and Lola’s—who clearly just don’t give a shit— Cindies and Life want to tell freshers this: We Care. Rather than Life removing the carpet on their walls, or Cindies recycling its Disney Greatest Hits compilation CD, the two clubs want to send a positive message that clubbing in Cambridge should be safe and accessible to all. A new scheme, named “We Care”, seeks to provide a taxi escort service to “vulnerable individuals”, let women put their handbags in the cloakroom for free, and provide free phone charging stations. Additionally, the two clubs will provide flip-flops for free, for those with uncomfortable shoes. The scheme will be operated by female Customer Care Ambassadors, who will be fully trained to “deal with vulnerable people”. CUSU Women’s Officer said Charlotte Chorley she hopes more clubs in Cambridge will adopt the scheme in the near future, and that she “admired” that the two clubs had begun the scheme on their own initiative. Chorley told The Tab she is currently training student representatives (mainly Ents Officers) to be trained for the Good Night Out campaign, a national scheme that the Women’s Campaign at Cambridge supports, with the Good Night Out pledge sent to local nightclubs. Cindies General Manager Andrew Barney said, “We Care is designed to give customers all the tools they need for a fun but safe night out.” Life recently found itself in hot waters after embarrassingly setting the theme for a CUSU LGBT+ Kaleidoscope night “The Asylum”, criticised for making light of mental illness. Leila Mani Lundie, second year Philosopher at Pembroke, told The Tab she thought it was a good idea but expressed confusion about “the flip flop initiative”. “Maybe they should flipflop on the flip-flops”.
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Monday 5th October 2015
Features | The Tab
Spotting Those Freshers A definitive guide to every kind of fresher you’ll meet
Miranda Gabbott Features Editor
Hark: the humble fresher in its natural habitat leaning, with false nonchalance, on the college bar, its eyes half-closed from the uniquely blurry drunkenness produced by the combination of copious free wine in a tense environment and questionable social skills. Behold, it accidently addresses a new peer by a wrong name. Second years regard this species as a mass of interchangeable new faces. Yet, to the keen observer, it is easy to distinguish a plethora of sub-species operating within a delicate hierarchy. Here is a twitcher’s guide to the diverse creatures of Freshers’ week. Spot them all.
The Gap Yearee The Gap Year student is easily distinguishable: they will keep introducing themselves
as someone who should be in second year. Cringing when new friends announce 1996 birthdays, complaining that their college parents are younger than them, bitching about how hangovers get worse when you hit twenty. Keen to distance themselves from notions of harem pants and spiritual fulfilment on mummy and daddy’s money, but even keener to stress their own world wiseyness.
What do you mean there’s no reading week?!? By the end of the first week, the gap-yearees will all be friends. By the end of the first term, everyone will have forgotten who is and isn’t minty fresh from A-levels. Worst secret: rejected from Oxford last year.
The Know-it-all There will be that one guy (it’s usually a guy) who already claims to have read the whole reading list, scaled the mountain of human knowledge and come up with a five-step plan to the financial crisis in Greece, which the UN rejected for being too innovative. There is a special place in hell for this person. It’s a horrible part of going to a world-leading university that some of these commonly-spotted smuglings are telling the truth. But a far greater number simply have an inflated opinion of their own abilities due to having been to a lovely private school where no one tells you to sit down and shut up. Unfortunately since it is fresher’s week you’ll be too polite to call bullshit. Worst secret: has comically small penis
a
The gonnaBNOC When you’re still on the small talk, he or she will be in the middle of a circle of new friends, laughing as if they’ve never been hurt. One time you will get invited to pre-drinks in their room, and it will feel like you’ve achieved a personal goal. When they start following you on Instagram you will get a small, powerful glow that makes you realise they are more charismatic than you will ever be. Whilst you’re still unpacking, they have already made plans to go on holiday with their new apostles. This
wonderful h u m a n seems to be everywhere - but yet never tired, never stressed. How is this possible? I don’t know, but everyone cracks eventually, and hopefully you will be around when it happens for a heaping helping of schadenfreude .
The one with nearly valid claims to Fame Did you know her dad invented TOASTER WAFFLES? While having a really cool backstory isn’t on any UCAS form, the amount of people here with occasionally tenuous yet undeniably
The Tab | Features
Monday 5th October 2015
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What we’re all looking forward to! May Balls!
impressive links to the great and good is testament to the fact that admissions people are easily swayed by a good tall tale. Maybe someone in your college was a minor character in Tracy Beaker, or the cousin of a politician, or is heir to the Smeg fridges empire. They will inevitably be one of the things you tell people at home about, even if you have never spoken to said person in your life. Worst secret: deliberately instigated a round of ‘say your name and an interesting fact about yourself’ to begin their own legend.
The ones who all know each other already It’s not exactly a secret that twenty or so private schools have a stranglehold on the dreamy spires. Access is working hard, but thus far, it’s still a (shitty) part of the deal that a lot of people in your year will already know each other. In theory you are mentally prepared for this. In practice, it’s not the best feeling when a group around you realise they all go way back and start reminiscing about Hugo’s 17th. It really starts to bite when you get to the end of the week and need a hug, and the posho’s get to hug people they’ve grown up with. Get around it: subtly undermine them with a sense of survivor’s guilt.
The one who adds everyone on Facebook within 15 minutes of arriving Or before arriving, from the offer holder’s page. He or she must be getting repetitive strain injury from a tireless
counterpart, the private school rah rah who’s stressing his or her working class roots. My family had to sell the horse last year, don’t you know. the stars of cyberspace. There are some merits to this tactic. It is a uniquely efficient way to stroke the egos of a lot of vulnerable people in a short space of time and to put names to faces. But unless preceded or followed up very quickly with human interaction, it feels a tiny bit hollow. Mess with their head: bring back the Facebook poke
The angry state schooler who’s feeling alienated by the whole experience
campaign of liking profile pictures and statuses. You aren’t quite sure what they look like off screen, but your mutual desire to occupy the same social circle has been written in
Cambridge is ridiculous. Port and cheese evening in the Provost’s lodge makes it feel more like you’re in a Fancy English University theme park set up for American tourists than an actual university. Eyeballs will justifiably be rolling as the gowns are donned for the first formal. It is perfectly valid and advisable to not accept these things as normal, but we all knew what we were getting ourselves into. The fact that Cambridge is posh is hardly something they tried to keep out of the brochure. Bonus points: spot their
The one who’s in denial about what kind of uni this is Lectures started on about the third day of fresher’s week last year. This was painful. We were sold the fresher’s dream – there was meant to be debauchery that would make Russel Brand blush. Someone was meant to be sick in a kettle then try to boil it. Channel Four promised! There will be someone trying to cling to this delusion, stubbornly downing dirty pints in the face of immense academic pressure and all good advice. Most likely to: get hit in the
face by week five blues
The one you never see again until graduation Take a good, long look at the matriculation photo. There will be one or two faces therein which don’t ring any bells, even at this early stage of intensive group-bonding. They are never in the bar, or the common room, miraculously they do not seem to eat in hall. They will probably become computer millionaires and have enough money to buy you when the revolution comes. But that is irrelevant, because who the hell even are they? So now you’ve categorised all of your new peers and ticked their kind off of this ruthless shopping list, remember that somewhere amongst this ragtag bunch are the people you will come to think of as your family.
Happy fresher’s week!
Monday 5th October 2015
Debate | The Tab
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No, I won’t shut up about the importance of fundamental liberties that lie at the heart of progressive, left-wing thinking and oh yes - that is a frozen peach
What? Another article about Free Speech? Xavier Bisits Deputy Editor
One of the joys of leaving the real world and entering the fake world (i.e. Cambridge) is that you’ll spend the next three years being surrounded by people trying to convince you that something patently loopy is true.
And because these people shout the loudest, one day as you’re sipping cava under Newton’s apple tree you start to think that maybe – just maybe – this Crazy Thing is true and why won’t the world wake up to your fucking genius idea which is probably more interesting than gravity ever was anyway. Graduation, for most people, functions as a realityinfused cold shower, but I’ve taken it upon myself to write a shameless thinkpiece about just one of these loony ideas to save you three years of confusion. You’re welcome. The idea we’re going to write about is best summed up by a real quote: “Freedom of speech doesn’t mean freedom to talk shit.” The key idea is that it’s not enough for you to stand outside an event of a speaker you don’t
like with placards or organise a counter-protest. The onus is on well-meaning students to campaign persistently, aggressively and coercively for the shutting down of an event or a minority opinion because speeches, debates and ideas are a form of “violence”. In the past, progressive students fought to allow minority groups a voice on campus. Now, they’re so convinced they’re right that minority opinions aren’t allowed in some contexts – and it’s not enough to just explain why they’re wrong like a normal human being. We have an increasingly vicious form of no-platforming that prioritises feelings over free speech. More specifically, it privileges the far-left zeitgeist over the views of other minority groups – to the point that many students don’t feel comfortable being proIsrael or pro-life or pro-Tory or anti-prostitution or pro-second wave feminism. Welcome to a world in which thinking Israel has a right to exist makes you “evil”, but it’s okay to call someone a “vile cis transmisogynist” if they invite Germaine Greer to speak at an organization
or “Tory scum” if they think going to university for free is a pipe dream. No platformers are so blinded by their own narrowminded moral privilege – to coin a phrase – that they deny there’s a debate to be had when any functioning human being can see there are two sides to an argument. (Or if one side is patently idiotic, then debate is the way to demonstrate it when substantial minorities continue to push an idea.) They insist that no one’s free speech has been harmed. This is about protecting the victims of oppression from people “coming into their homes” (i.e. their university) and speaking their mind! And we’re not actually harming your free speech because you can take your non-conventional views somewhere else – like the Tab, Nicaragua or your living room! This self-indulgent, vapid anti-intellectualism is transparently malicious and transparently false. What was the casualty when a college in Oxford was coerced by disruptive protesters into revoking permission for a debate on abortion on its premises?
Free speech. What was the casualty when the Department of Politics was coerced by disruptive protesters into revoking an invitation to Nigel Farage?
Free speech. What was the casualty when CUSU’s President last year banned the pro-life society from a societies’ fair?
Free speech. Sometimes, seemingly well-meaning no platform arguments are just transparently malicious. Let’s take pro-life events as an example here. I can see how some people would feel uncomfortable if they were forced to attend a pro-life event – especially if they’ve had an abortion. But to claim that to hold an event in the same building, the same college – or even the same town – makes people
feel unsafe is just a pathetic and transparent excuse to try and shut down people whose views you disagree with. And this new approach to “free speech” isn’t just bad for those groups having their rights trampled on. It’s bad for society. It’s not left-wing and it’s not progressive. We need people to be offensive. If we’d called foul and covered our ears when people starting spouting “offensive” ideas – like gay rights or women voting or ending blasphemy laws – we’d have gotten nowhere as a society. Somewhere out there, there’s an “offensive” idea that’s the next great step in human achievement – as much as Cambridge students in 2015 would like to see themselves as the pinnacle of all human wisdom. If we want to be a progressive university, we can put up with listening to a couple of uncomfortable ideas along the way without throwing a tantrum. The next three years will be insane. Try not to become insane yourself.
The Tab | Lifestyle
Monday 5th October 2015
“Bristol
Milo Edwards Contributor
You’re here and you have to make the best of it. You may find this hard to believe, but I went to Cambridge. Just like you, yes you. Really. Back in October 2011 I pitched up at Peterhouse in trousers with a large rip in the crotch (accidental not statement) to study Classics: and if you’re reading this I’m sure it is now October 2015, by which time I will have been gone from Cambridge for three whole months, after having spent an extra year there doing god only knows what. Those of you arriving for the first time are probably full of all sorts of exciting ideas about all the lovely people you’ll meet and all the interesting things you’ll study and all the teafuelled Enid Blyton parties you’ll go to. Or whatever it is people think when they’re 18. Fuck knows. I’m sure I thought a lot of those things too, back in 2011, when Taio Cruz was someone you could mention in conversation without people looking at you like you’d just brought up how many rations of spam you could get per week during the war. They were simpler times. Times before the Apple ‘lightning’ connector made charging an iPhone an ordeal comparable to trying to bake a cake using only a mop gripped between your buttocks. But I don’t think those things now. Cambridge is wasted on Cambridge students. You can learn a lot here if, and only fucking if, you realise that getting a degree is entirely secondary to what you’re going to learn. Sure, getting a first in thermodynamics is useful
(presumably) for some things and impressive (presumably) to some people; but if you’re incapable of holding an interesting conversation or applying logic to your daily existence (hence the existence, I hear, of a Cambridge science prof who wants to be a UKIP councillor) nobody will give a fuck. That’s a lie: many people will give a fuck, but they’re the
k i n d of soul-suckingly boring arseholes who earn 60k a year in consulting, cry in the office toilets about a meaningless job while wanking to porn to provide some brief respite from their existence, and then go back to their flat in Clapham to have perfunctory sex with their girlfriend who is secretly a draft-excluder but still manages to hold down a job in PR. Cambridge is awful, it’s full of supercilious pricks. But it’s also better than the alternatives: you could be somewhere where there are no supercilious pricks. You could be in a flat share with some rugby ‘lads’ who are busily doing Jager shots of each others’ anuses with not a single supercilious prick
to cut through their ‘banter’ with a cutting remark about their absurd pantomime of conventional masculinity. Now here there are rugby lads, but what there are more of are the dull morass. Imagine it: there are people who spend their entire time at Cambridge in the library or the JCR, people whose only friends are in college, people who are so focussed on
becoming twee parodies of all the twee things they imagine Cambridge to be that they leave with only a moderate knowledge of whatever they studied, an understanding of the difference between a port glass and a Madeira glass, some rowing lycra and a set of friend that share their uncritical world view. But Cambridge is also what you make of it, so if you want to learn something to subvert the system. Not in the dull, predictable way of going on about the fellows’ wine bill or getting rid of gowns or some such similar arse, but in the way it was also meant to be subverted: critical people making each other more critical. To do this, you’re going
“
I wish I’d gone to
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Fitz chaos as building work wreaks havoc Sam Hobson News Correspondent
to have to make friends with some cunts. Well, maybe they’re not really cunts, but the twee people call them that because they upset the comfortable monotony of their uterine existence: if religion is the opium of the masses then Saturday night Doctor Who is the opium of the JCR. But the thing about the cunts is they’re critical. They’ll be critical of you and you’ll be critical of them, so hopefully there’ll be a slight chance of some intelligent people in Cambridge a c t u a l l y undergoing some personal fucking development rather than circle-jerking each other to fill the time between choir and croquet. Before y o u know it, you’ll h a v e developed Stockholm syndrome and these people will be your dearest friends. You’ll suddenly realise that you were a cunt all along and that, actually it’s less of a betrayal of your expensive education than becoming some braying conformist. This article was supposed to be a piss-take where I pretended that I would have rather gone to Bristol, but that isn’t the point. Bristol’s perfectly alright, there are smart people there, I’d happily have gone. The only difference is that you don’t quite get the same opportunity to surround yourself with intelligent and critical people as you do here, so, if you don’t take to that opportunity, there’s not much point going anywhere. Start a twitter account where you post pictures of your dog in human clothes. Anything else is a waste of your time.
Students at Fitz are enjoying a week of accommodation hell as building work forces many to share rooms on their return to college. Those who have rooms deemed large enough have been asked to host another student so that the freshers can all be put in temporary accommodation. Students who do have been offered reimbursement by Fitzwilliam College and sources say that all those who needed extra accommodation have been housed. Several students have been outraged by the move. “Surely,” said one third-year student, “It is not unreasonable to expect that the college’s pet projects don’t ruin the whole first term of a new year, for new and old students alike?” The building work, which is renovating an area of the college that was meant to have been housing the freshers, was supposed to have been completed by the time the new term started. Despite the JCR President Alex Cicale claiming the work was “in its final stages”, several students have commented that there remains visible wiring and pipes, which suggests that the work may take far longer. This is not the only project to contract that architects, RH Partnership, have been involved with in Cambridge. They have recently finished an extension job at Churchill College and are hired for even more work on the Fitzwilliam site, extending The Grove. This building, former home of Charles Darwin’s widow and a Grade-II listed property, is expected to have a contemporary ‘garden pavilion’ for postgraduate students. One Fitz student, who wished not be named, said that “How can they be trusted to do this job when they can’t even renovate a block for Freshers?” Whilst the move remains temporary, many are concerned about how long they will be expected to share their rooms. With no answer in sight, the room sharing problems may well continue into the foreseeable future.
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Monday 5th October 2015
| The Tab
Avoid the death trap before it’s too late! The start of the Grad recruitment conveyor-belt Nick Vice Wise Man
So you’ve finally made it to Cambridge and are wandering around the freshers’ fair.
Walking between the rows you pass swiftly by Varsity and TCS feeling a misplaced pang of sympathy for people who write articles which only three people will ever read, laugh politely at the weird guy from the impronauts wearing a rubber chicken on his head and obviously come over to the Tab’s table. Nothing is probably further from your mind right now than actually getting a job once this weird university journey you are embarking on is over. But alongside the student societies jockeying for your attention is something for more insidious. No, I’m not talking Domino’s notoriously tiny slices of pizza – but the start of the grad recruitment conveyor belt. What do I mean by this sinister sounding contraption? Well, it used to be that you could get a job straight out of uni. Then you had to do internships –and now it’s all about the spring weeks you sign up to do from your first term in Cambridge. In other words, by the time you start at Cambridge, corporate recruiters already have you well and truly in their sights
before you’ve even had time to register properly that you’re now a student. This is big business for them. Law firms, management consultancies and banks pour hundreds of thousands of pounds into Cambridge every year to make themselves look good and attract recruits. You’ll see their banners and stands all over the fair as much as actual student societies. Let’s take Cambridge’s biggest student society as an example. The Union is officially “in collaboration with Deloitte”. With the Union receiving £25,000 from Deloitte last year, alone it might as well be “Deloitte, in collaboration with the Union”. In fact, as well as this, the Union also got almost £43,000 in other sponsorship and a £25,000 “donation in kind” according to their published accounts. Of course, the fact that they get almost £100,000 from corporates doesn’t stop them charging you almost £200 for membership. But why would corporates pour almost £100,000 a year into a student society which is basically a vanity exercise for wannabe politicians? Well, because it buys them access to a valuable commodity: Cambridge students.
It might as well be “Deloitte, in Collab with the Union” Take it from a recent grad who has been around the bloc and rejected job offers from corporate recruiters after coming to their senses that this is exactly how recruiters see you: as a commodity. They might be “investors in people” but in between their patronising recruitment drivel what they actually want is to use you to make money for their firm. Even though you’ll be sad and overworked, you’ll only see a fraction of this money until you’ve been turned into a sufficiently mindless corporate gimp that they make you a partner. So please, try and rise above the smell of EY branded coffee in exchange for your email address and/or soul, the glossy brochures and the promises of “dynamic”, “diverse” and “exciting” careers and think about what you really want in life. If your childhood dream was to be a middle manager in a corporate accountancy firm or you get turned on by the idea of “tax efficiency” and “massive deals” then go for it. Within ten years you’ll be miserable, come home
every night talking a fuckedup mixture of English and management-speak and feel the need to buy a convertible because you have a sneaking suspicion it’s the only thing that can save your sex life. But if you don’t want that – then please, please, don’t jump onto the grad recruitment conveyor belt – at least not yet. Save yourselves from the fate that far too many of my friends have consigned themselves to already. Say “fuck the system” like the students you now are. Say no to signing up for spring weeks and imagine a future that involves joining a startup, doing Teach First or setting up on your own instead. (This last option hasn’t worked out too badly for the founders of the Tab, after all.) Internships will be all glitz and glamour, full of champagne receptions, fancy dinners and boozy lunches. Apparently one law firm even takes its interns to Paris for the day. Think it sounds great? Well think again. Real life isn’t like that. On these kind of things you’ll have people who left Cambridge a couple of years earlier thrust toward you to convince you how great it is to work for their firm. Once you get grad recruitment out of earshot this changes to why where they work is less shit than their competitors.
The Tab | Cambridge
Monday 5th October 2015
Which Simpson’s character is your college? The definitive guide to knowing your stereotype
Miranda Gabbot Features Editor
Take a trip down memory lane to a simpler time. A time when the biggest pleasure in life was being allowed to eat your oven chips in front of Channel Four at six o’clock.
Queen’s
Marge Simpson.
The matriarchal college of Cambridge. Queens is reliable, wholesome and one of the star characters of the show, just like everyone’s favourite blue-haired animated mother. Overwhelming niceness aside, this college is just not as interesting as the rest of its unruly family. And, like Marge’s hair, the college’s Cripps building is just too large.
Magdelene Duffman.
Magdelene is synonymous with meatheadedness, caricatures of masculinity, land economy, and bizarre drinking society initiations which involve downing pints with live goldfish in. The last of the colleges to admit women, this college probably has some of Duffman’s personal issues to address. Ooooh yeahh.
Jesus
Otto Mann.
Going by the standard of May Ball and the psychedelic metal horse and rabbits plonked at various points in the ground, Jesus is a college designed for those who enjoy chemical fun. The Ceasarians drinking society, especially on its eponymous Sunday is best known for being caray-zee and not in the least bit unimpressive and sad. Exactly like a cartoon junkie who drives a school bus.
Girton
Kang and Kudos.
So far away it’s not even Cambridge, it may as well be in outer space, ammirite? Like Kang and Kudos, Girtonians are secretly plotting world domination due to sheer frustration at how old all of these location-based jokes are
getting. And the fact that they are aliens.
Trinity
Homer Simpson.
It’s the one everyone thinks of when they think of Cambridge, and vastly overweight (financially speaking). A very quotable character, and the one most-oft depicted on merchandise, but also a very sad reflection of our society.
Kings
Lisa Simpson.
Bursting at its gilded seams with vegan, leftie radfem selfrighteousness, Kings’ is just as right-on as Lisa Simpson. With her saxophone and moral purity, Lisa constitutes one of the most aspired-to Simpsons’ characters, a s reflected in Kings’
admissions statistics. However, Lisa with her saxophone is definitely not as trendy as she thinks she is and, like any accurate personification of Kings’ College, would make a very irritating best friend.
Trinity Hall
Corpus Christi
This college steals its member’s lunch money, forcing them to microwavable hell or to pay extortionate amounts for rent. Also like Bart’s school yard bully, nobody knows where this college lives.
Although not the oldest Cambridge College by years, senility is a defining characteristic of Corpus. Hopelessly oldfashioned, Hans Moleman is in equal measures baffled and terrified by the modern world. The weird old-people waffle this character comes out with accounts for some of the funniest lines in the show, and likewise, where would this city be without Corpus deciding to have a clock with a huge grasshopper thing facing onto the street?
Nelson Muntz.
Newnham
Groundskeeper Willy.
Far oot of toon is a shack known as Newnham. It is a place of beautifully tended gardens, and boasts the second longest corridor in Europe, strictly only for hardy Scotsmen. Or grammar school women if we’re honest.
Churchill
Baby Gerald
(the baby with the monobrow). Churchill wins no prizes for looks; that is definitely a bulldog-ish face that only a mother could love. This college is young and probably evil, but since it never seems to “say” anything, this assertion is based on little except architecture and a creepy vibe.
St. Johns
Disco Stu.
Straight from the groovy decades of the past century, that red brick complex is well suited to a boogaloo. Synonymous with the dreaded pool, if Robinson was a Simpson’s character it would not be a prominent one. However, like Disco Stu, it is memorable, and with the cheapest May Ball sure knows how to throw a good time.
Clare
Krusty the Clown.
Likes a drink and best known for ents.
Who even goes here? Like a lame best friend, Selewyn is drippy and anxious to please, sipping loadly on his juice-box and pleading “you’ll come to my Christmas party though right? Right?” However, as the prospectuses inform us, it is also conveniently located for getting to the Sidgewick site and the UL. Everything’s coming up Millhouse.
Fitzwilliam
Young, keen, and wetter than wet behind the ears, Fitz is akin to the Christian children of the Flanders clan. What lack of personality might be construed from the modern architecture is made up for by sheer enthusiasm.
Emma
Lenny and Carl.
Chief Wiggum.
Robinson
Selwyn
Millhouse.
Rod and Tod Flanders.
Sidney Sussex
Like Chief Wiggum, this college’s position puts it at the heart of the community. However, all the donuts (reduced at Sainsbury’s every evening after seven) have made him fat and laughable.
Hans Moleman.
Mr Burns. You knew this was coming. If John’s were a person, he would definitely be sitting in a power plant, tapping its fingers, together drooling “eeeeeeexcellent”. Unfeasibly rich, universally despised. Like Monty burns, Johns has enough money to buy you and knows it. This college is “the man” people are referring to when they say “fuck the man”.
Medwards
Edna Krabbapple.
Like Bart’s school teacher, Murray Edwards has a very unattractive name and likes a good stiff drink. Bitter and jaded at its unsuccessful love life, due in part to its location at the top of a very large hill.
They’re in a lot of episodes. Everyone knows where they are and has been there before. But nobody has quite found any distinguishing characteristics beyond the fact that they’re always there.
Christ’s
Reverend Lovejoy.
As its name would suggest, Christ’s is a bit Goddy. Expect to feel judged by the Lord upon entering be ye of little faith.
St Catherine’s Ned Flanders.
There is nothing mean to say about stupid Flanders, because like St Catherine’s he’s essentially a do-gooder. It will always remain nondescript and overshadowed in the plotline by its neighbourinos.
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Monday 5th October 2015
Peterhouse
Sideshow Bob.
Well-spoken and devious, there is something deeply sinister about Peterhouse. The smallest and oldest, Peterhouse has heritage to defend. I wouldn’t put murder attempts on unruly state-school urchins past him. Sideshow Bob’s luscious locks are also analogous to Peterhouse’s beautiful deer park.
Cambridge | The Tab
Pembroke
Fat Tony’s son, Michael D’Amico.
Pembroke is one goodlooking college, with a strong sense of community and a taste for the dolce vita. Pembroke has a far from savoury heritage and a predilection for glamorous, yet shady masters from the recently-retired Sir Richard Dearlove (former head of MI6) to the newlyinstalled Blairite Lord Smith. But don’t be fooled by the mafia minority: many of its students, like Michael, seem determined to lead a more simplistic, bookish life near the
top of the Tompkins table.
Caius
Kent Brockman.
The college has recently also had links to the telly, since its team won university challenge last year. Also like the Channel Six news presenter, people at Caius have already sold out. Disgustingly sensible internships abound this summer – going to Caius the real world equivalent of being an opportunistic TV journalist. At the five year reunion after graduation, half the year group will be on six figure salaries. Did I mention it’s also pretty right-wing?
Homerton
Downing
Hi, I’m Troy Mclure. You might remember me from ADC productions such as Hamlet, Equus, The Footlight’s Pantomime and Some Badly Translated Piece of Wank – hell, all of them. Every bit thespy as Springfield’s most famous actor, Homerton is a little tryhardy with his aspirations. This attitude stems from an inferiority complex born out of being incredibly ugly and next to the train station.
Downing has a nice bar, but it’s a bit far out of the centre, so like Moe he’s kind of lonely and twisted.
Troy Mclure.
Moe.
Lucy Cavendish Crazy cat lady.
Not so much the Simpsons character this college epitomises as the kind of person I imagine studies here. Only in two or three episodes, and probably driven to insanity by post-graduate study or a collection of cats brought to stave off the loneliness thereof.
The Tab |
Monday 5th October 2015
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Monday 5th October 2015
Interview | The Tab
Cantabs throw the ultimate shade
The Interview: Katie Hopkins Ellie Olcott Interviews Editor
Katie makes a surprisingly good impression. She is extremely friendly yet argumentative (no surprises there) and assertive. Her superficial charm, which only lasts if you pay little attention to the vitriol she spews, sometimes lapses into a sickly sweetness. “Oh, bless you”.
She compares herself to “marmite” which she doesn’t even like, “such is the irony of life.” This may be a slightly misleading comparison, after all over 200,000 people haven’t felt the urge to petition for Marmite to be taken off the shelves. The unprecedented backlash against her Sun column has empowered her to compete “in a world where you are competing for space in a way that you have never had to before”. She delights that her “strong article” resulted in such a response, “it gives you a sense of the number of people who are reading your stuff” since she still wasn’t fired. Katie is not kind about m a n y
things, migrants, the overw eight, females, people with tattoos… the list goes on. She does however gush about our university, “How many times a day do you think your parents tell people that you’re at Cambridge” she exclaims. She argues that Cantabs have “the trump card” and the “ultimate comeback” in any argument. She adds for good measure, “In terms of shade, you throw the ultimate shade.” “I fight for what you have achieved but you guys discredit it somehow and I think that’s a weird idea.” She certainly discredits the notion of some employers who say they wouldn’t hire graduates with a first. She does look for “experience” when employing, saying that “The Teach First idea was a brilliant one wasn’t it. It takes really gifted kids and puts them into the worst job in the world … teaching at a state school”, she concludes, laughing carelessly. Katie is very results driven. She mentions article ratings several times in our interview, outlining this as the denominator for success. She believes the same resultsdriven
mentality
should be applied to the University. Does she think the admission system in Cambridge should focus on access for students from all backgrounds? She scoffs, “What does balance achieve apart from less abled students?”
“What does balance achieve apart from less abled students?” Katie “would always question” the argument ‘we have too many white middle class private school students’. “What is so wrong with that? In industry, we’re judged on results. For example for my column, I’m judged on how many people read it. It doesn’t matter how to those kids got there. As long as they got their grades and performed well at interview I don’t want the institution to be downgraded for the benefit for some crazy loon who wants to see some kind of balance”. Katie really hit the headlines when she appeared on This Morning saying she wouldn’t let her children play with other people’s kid whose names she deemed unworthy. She maintains this opinion but admits that at her children’s current school all the kids have “trendy” names like “Anabella, Arabella, Ruby and Otis”, so it isn’t a problem. “If you compare the names on the court list of any given day with those names I suggested I wouldn’t let my kids play with, they’re entirely compatible. The courts lists are typically Tyler,
Storm, Hunter and so on.” “I know that Oxford managed to find a Tyler in some back-setted warren in one of their buildings where they grabbed him and drew him out to one of our debates.” “Do I base the rest of my life on your strong opinions. Absolutely. Have I employed a fat person, No I haven’t. And would I now employ someone who has just got married and wants to have children. No absolutely I would not. That’s illegal to have that view.” She has views akin to Donald Trump’s with respect to women. She previously said on another appearance on This Morning, “women are really vicious in the workplace, they’re really jealous, really competitive. Women are emotional, they cry in toilets… Men talk in logic and rational terms.” In this vein she took a swipe at ex-Cambridge student, Laura Bates who founded Everyday Sexism. She compared this project to “standing in the bottom on a cave and shouting because that’s all it is. It’s just a repository for someone to have a moan.” Despite slating the purpose of the project, which is to document instances of sexism in order to demonstrate it still exists, she admits the reason “people think they can go for me, or threat to kill me or rape me, is it to do with me being a woman.” She protests this kind of activism because she claims, “I understand a very male way of working”, whatever that means. She argues, “if you want to be accutely female, you’ll have to place yourself” somewhere other than her “male-oriented environment”. She attributes part of her success as a TV personality to her time on The Apprentice. “People saw this gobby bird saying what she thought of people, in a suit. That, at that time was quite a weird thing. The only other women on the BBC were dressed in floral and
wearing kitchen equipment. We don’t have those feisty women. We just have smilers.” People have such a bizarre fascination with Hopkins. Arguing and disagreeing with her give people a satisfied feeling of self-righteousness. Hopkins has appeared on This Morning SO MANY times. Each time Holly Willoughby gets the opportunity to say something like “I try and make footsteps in the right direction, I’d rather be part of that” whilst eyeing Katie with disdain. Why is her vitriol so irresistibly entertaining? It gives people the opportunity to “RAGE. RAGE. RAGE” against her, as Katie says herself. One can never know if she truly believes the stuff says. It doesn’t really matter. She is going against the norm of what is acceptable because it is a method by which you can “compete in this crowded world”. The “RAGE” she creates is how she sustains herself. Every time someone signed the petition to rid her from the Sun, it because more obvious that she has a media profile which was just too valuable for the Sun to let go of. She’s a savvy attention-seeker who has well and truly found their niche. Her undeniable eloquence and the heated controversy around her name masks the fact she actually lacks the ability to be ‘entertaining’ without perpetuating tired stereotypes and degrading people. Its not exactly creative or funny, despite her telling me that of course she thinks she is hilarious. Maybe one day people will just laugh at her clever ploy, or even stop caring what she says. For the moment, we have the delight of watching her new show “If Katie ruled the world”. She’s thankfully not in such a position of power, but it certainly looks like she’s here to stay.
The Tab |
Expectations of a FRESHER
Monday 5th October 2015
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B r e a k i n g i n a n e w ci t y & m e e t i n g n e w fac e s Ben Collins Fresher Columnist
A new town, new friends, and the longawaited absence of an overbearing Jewish mother: rationalising my excitement for Cambridge isn’t particularly difficult. Or so I thought. I’m currently scrolling through the numerous Freshers groups that I felt compelled to join, which, on face value, are pretty hilarious (I really care that you and a collection of other very keen people play the flute, really, I do). It does concern me however. I pray that I’m in some sort of silent majority that collectively cringes at every post made
- this can’t be the way that people actually make friends in Cambridge. In these groups lies a very real dichotomy: whilst I feel inferior to the person on the Law page who has a detailed knowledge of all of the Supreme Court Justices, there’s a smugness rooted in the knowledge that I could never be as embarrassing as the person who attempts to subtly tell us that they drink (legend) and that they went to Kavos last summer (legend). This jumbled sense of anticipation will probably prepare us well for Cambridge. Even the most humble of us can’t shirk the warm, selfsatisfying glow that’s attached to knowing that we’re going to one of the best academic institutions in the world –
I can see where you got your reputation as a fun college, Queens
and yet the brilliance of those around us is pretty grounding. But to be honest, most of us need grounding; we’re probably (for the most part) too privileged for our own good, and it’s dangerous to go through life convinced of an ill-conceived pre-eminence over others. Mind you, they needn’t have grounded me as soon as they did - the first line of the first email I received from Queens’ post-results day read, ‘The University wishes to convey to you the serious nature of the place you hold at Cambridge’ On reflection, it’s probably a bit twattish of me to think of myself above those who advertise their affection for Yu-Gi-Oh on the Freshers pages, or the ladz that tell us about their desire to use the gyms in Cambridge. And not just because it’s inherently a bit twatish to think yourself above anyone, but also because I’m probably a bit of a loser too. I’m the sort of person that uses their Labour membership card as a weapon in their flirting arsenal (this can make talking to Tories somewhat
difficult, but if you’re w i l l i n g to neglect your politics for gratification – and let’s face it, who isn’t? – then you can just find mutuality in your shared political geekiness). But that’s what makes the prospect of Cambridge so great; there will always be someone with an interest as uncool or niched as your own. Perhaps my expectations of Cambridge are slightly warped, given that I visited friends here during my gap yah (like yeah I found myself in South East Asiah). This experience has given me some perspective on the Cambridge bubble before actually entering it, and it’s bizarre to think that we’ll become desensitised to the weird and wonderful things that happen here. Within weeks, my friends would walk past King’s Chapel on the way to Sainsbury’s and wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Likewise, my friend at John’s who considers himself a bit of a fashionista no longer complains about the sight of his friends from college who go
clubbing i n matching b l a z e r s (this definitely is not okay). At Cambridge, I feel like the things we’re desensitised to, the things that are actually really quite strange but that everyone starts thinking are normal, these things become unifying, providing us with a sense of identity. That identity is simply being someone who spent 3, or 4, or more years in this weird and wonderful place - in other words a Cambridge Student. And yes, I find the idea of swaps pretty cringey (they’re essentially a heteronormative mating call involving curry), but I’ll probably have a real affinity to them within a couple of months. Cambridge seems so removed from the real world, and despite my insistence that it’s important to remain grounded, I cannot wait to be ok with people clubbing in black tie, or with the music in Cindies, or with the idea of a swap. In other words, I can’t wait to be part of it.
Cambridge; It’s not a big deal and why Rosemary doesn’t even care.....
Louisa Grace Dales Michaelmas Columnist
distant relatives I barely knew but who were now claiming kin, and of being mocked When I arrived in the land by peers who thought I of Cam, I was prepared for was now too clever for something monumental. them. My Grandma, in I’d had a tense week’s particular, had an absolute swim in the intercollegiate field day. There was not pool (cheers John’s), a single Joan or Janet in which had only served to her entire town who did not heighten my anticipation. know that Kathleen’s eldest Whilst I was now safe granddaughter had made it to in the knowledge that the age old institution someone had that churned out actually offered Stephen Fry, me a place, Jeremy Paxman I was still and Emma conscious of Thompson. how much of It got to a big deal this the stage place was where I was supposed to embarrassed be. to tell people where I would ‘Waiting to be be continuing my fished’ studies, as they either instantly judged me a posh I had spent the previous snob, or genuinely began to few months in a perpetual treat me like some weirdly state of being praised by superior being.
“Grandma, Rosemary doesn’t even care” Bearing this all in mind, it’s not hard to believe that I arrived with a pretty warped and inflated view of what this place was going to be. I didn’t think people would necessarily be wandering around in gowns all day, or that I’d be the only one who hadn’t paid to go to school – it was more that I thought I would have to take it incredibly seriously, and that the work was going to be insane.
I spent the majority of Michaelmas feeling sorry for myself, torn between not feeling like I was doing enough work, and wasting potential working time by complaining about how much work I had. It took me a full term and a half to discover that Cambridge is only as much of a deal as you make it. The moment I realised that no one really cared how good my weekly essay was, or that from time to time it was a day or two late, I felt able to do something else with my life other than work or feel bad for not working. Forgive me if you’re a phys natsci, because you probably don’t have this luxury, but it is completely up to you whether your work is the be all and end all. Some people are genuinely enthused by maths, and would happily count all day long, and that’s great. But there are others of us; those who are studying a subject because we were
reasonably interested in it at school, and could write enough enthusiastic nonsense to make up a personal statement. For us, life will be much more enjoyable if we find something other than our degrees and the weekly pilgrimage to cindies to occupy our time. Yes, Cambridge will work you a lot harder than your school friends are having to deal with, but rocking up with a healthy sense of perspective is by far the best thing you can do. At the end of the day you made it here, you’re at Cambridge – well done. But, ultimately, it’s just a university – you will work hard, you will have fun, and at the end of it all you will (probably) come out of it with a degree. Thousands have done it before you and thousands will do it after you’re gone. So enjoy it, make the most of it, but seriously – it’s not that big a deal.
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Monday 5th October 2015
| The Tab
The Tab |
Monday 5th October 2015
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Monday 5th October 2015
| The Tab
Finn McRedmond The burgeoning culture in Cambridge around trigger warnings is harmful to an intellectual climate.
Union Line-Up Crawling with Quirky Celebs
Ellie Olcott & James Wells
We all complain about its stuff traditionalism, extortionate membership fee and the fact we never actually have any time to go, but this year’s lineup might persuade you otherwise.
The Union will be sure to rope in plenty of unsuspecting freshers with this assemblage of eminent journos, bizarre fashionistas and that woman who was seeing that pop star that one time. For the open period, the Union have called on the services of the star of How I Met Your Mother, Josh Radnor, to convince you to shell out the £185 on membership. You’ll probably recognize him from endless reruns of the show on E4. He’s speaking on 9th October. Sticking with the transatlantic theme, Britain -born Jerry Springer will be gracing Cantabs with his presence on the 5 November. He rose to dizzying heights of fame with his talk show “The Jerry Springer Show”. Before that he was a political animal. Furthering the indecorous line-up is Vivienne Westwood. Like Springer, who always presages his show with the caution that it contains content inappropriate for children, Westwood is a fashion designer infamous for her uncouth approach, once driving a tank to David Cameron’s house in Oxfordshire to protest the use of fracking.
Vivienne has also worked on projects with Liberty, a civil liberties advocacy organisation. Which is fitting because the director of Liberty, Shami Chakrabarti is coming to speak on 17 November. Also interspersing art with political activism is the big name of this term’s lineup: Japan-born artist and singer Yoko Ono in coming to the union on 16thOctober. As John Lennon’s widow, she has done much work to preserve his legacy and in that vein has set up several exhibitions in his memory. Budding journalists will be happy with the number of high-profile media hacks who are coming to speak—Emily Maitlis, BBC newsreader, Channel 4’s Krishnan Guru Murphy and CNN’s Christiane Amanpour will all be at the union this term. The speaker of the House and colourful public character John Bercow will be taking the chair in the Cambridge chamber on the 15th October. Other politicians coming to speak include Paddy Ashdown, the former leader of the Liberal Democrats as well as the controversial George Galloway. Not a bad line-up by any means, it seems the Union will be aflood with controversial characters this term. That’s exciting and certainly an improvement on the dull Easter term speakers. The only drawback, of course, is you won’t have any time to see them—that’s Cambridge for you.
Trig Warnger Opin ing: i o Piec n e
For those of you who are unfamiliar, a trigger warning is something w h i c h a l l o w s readers who have suffered from traumatic events, like sexual assault or extreme levels of violence, to avoid material that might trigger flashbacks, panic attacks or episodes of PTSD. The intention is admirable, but in practice it’s gone too far. Trigger warnings – or Content Notes – are now being used to “alert readers” of ridiculous content. Yesterday, I read on Cuntry Living - a feminist discussion forum - “TW: David Cameron”. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine posted a Facebook status preceded by “TW: Indian Politics”. Yes, really. These concerned individuals care so much about the masses of Facebook users for whom just the mere mention of David Cameron can send them into a state of such abject terror that they are literally made unsafe. (And likewise for all my many Facebook friends who’ve been traumatised by that time they ran for the Indian Parliament.) These are extreme examples but are indicative of the serious problem. What trigger warnings have become is not a system designed to prevent trauma, but rather a long list of ideas that students find politically or culturally offensive. Not only does this undermine their purpose and trivialise trauma, it creates a culture of criminalising difference. Do you get the sense that this trigger warning is more about the author not liking someone and less about caring about victims? Because this attitude toward trigger warnings was developed on the (false) pretence of prevention of harm, the consequence is that anyone who tries to question the legitimacy of this practice is labelled as someone who openly and willingly wishes to inflict harm. Preventing harm in this capacity becomes a moral
obligation, and so anyone who does not adhere to this ridiculous culture is violent, amoral and should be silenced.
Maybe David Cameron and Indian politics (really?!) offend you, or cause you discomfort. I can, at a push, understand that. But we need to be able to distinguish between offence and harm. Discomfort is different to distress. We cannot continue to habitually refuse to engage with normal life, which is full of David Cameron and Indian politics. We can’t TW: cissexism because we live and operate in a society full of cisgendered people. And we cannot demonise those who think discussion of these things, or anything, needn’t be confined and shut down by your desire never to encounter a challenging idea. Your assertion that offence is reasonable grounds to be sheltered from political ideas that are different to your own increases political polarisation and generates hostility to ideological difference. The claim of offence has become not a subjective issue. Nope, now under the use and proliferation of trigger warnings, it means that the speaker has done something objectively wrong. Introducing discussion online about classism without a trigger warning means you have set out to cause harm. That you want people to be endangered. The world, and I apologise to my readers who already understand this basic concept,
doesn’t revolve around you and your various upsets or pet hates. And call me Satan, but I think that the way so many of us use trigger warnings is causing the most harm. Sensibilities go out the window and what we are left with is a space that is so fucking safe that we never learn how t o deal with discomfort. Cultivating our online, and now even literary – with Columbia University introducing trigger warnings for Ovid – presence to be un-challenging and totally un-threatening is destroying rigorous thinking and intellectual discussion. And it’s making living and operating in normal class-ridden, David Cameron-occupied, cissexual society ripe with discussion of Indian politics more and more difficult. We have created the ultimate safe space - where David Cameron isn’t Prime Minister and India doesn’t require a political system and we never encounter people who are cis-gendered. Where Cambridge students feel it’s worth their time starting a petition on change.org for trigger warnings before lectures – as they did in 2014. This is a self-perpetuating hive mind which prioritises comfort over challenge and demonises those who don’t. The one trend visible across all instances of hive mind mentality is a disregard, disrespect or dislike for any sort of deviation. What we create in terms of online discussion is unanimous, emotional and anti-intellectual. And anyone who doesn’t fall into that category and refuses to trigger warning “classism”, “Osbourne” or “dogs” – all real life examples I’ve encountered – is vindictive. To be honest, if you’re really that traumatised by any mention of David Cameron, you’ve probably got bigger issue to deal with. Not ones you’re going to solve with a “TW: everything”.
The Tab | Lifestyle
Monday 5th October 2015 FINN McREDMOND is a third-year Classicist at Peterhouse. Finn finds student politics tiresome and perplexing so, in the name of The Tab, is trying her best to cut through the inanity. This can sometimes err on the side of cynicism and abject despair. While we hope you don’t, unlike Finn, believe that everything is in fact terrible; it seems all too true that this attitude would do Cambridge (and our general life choices) a great deal of good.
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Michaelmas Columnist
“I want to thank y o u , for giving me the best days of my life …” Shut up Dido. Everything is terrible. Once James asked me to be his girlfriend and dumped me 6 hours later; with the words “never speak to me again”. 6 hours. I didn’t even communicate with him in that time. I was asleep! What could I have possibly done? Remember when I said everything was terrible? Yeah - that. Then a best friend sat me down and gave me a serious talk about how I was not to fall in love with him. That just because he was my friend it didn’t mean he couldn’t do better than me. We’re not friends anymore. And back when I was 17 and bright eyed and still had faith in life I met someone called Peter. He was arty and deep and misunderstood just like me, except he was 23. What’s the male equivalent of a cougar again? Oh, yeah - a creep.
What’s the male equivalent of a cougar again? Oh, yeah - a creep. Three months down the road of this incredibly naivety it was his turn to reveal that he was living with his actual girlfriend. An actual adult. Who he was living with. Not me. And everything was terrible. You see, I really believed in the rhetoric of Rom Coms, the High School Musical soundtrack and perverse teenage glossies. I, no sorry we, were led to believe that the cool popular boy who’s smart
and great would inevitably fall in love with the weird spotty girl who really (really) likes horses. Public Service Announcement: That does not happen, that will never happen - and for good reason. Stop believing that. Stop it right now. But that’s not the real issue. I think the ideal they present creates a serious problem. We’re conditioned from our preteens to believe that garnering the interest of men is indicative of our value as a person. That the happy ending accompanied with your very own 90s montage can only exist with the attention and affection of these boys.
the cool popular boy who’s smart and great would inevitably fall in love
with the weird spotty girl And so many of us end up deriving our self worth from men, constantly requiring this perverse external validation. Because how else can we be anyone that matters?? Who we are and what we’re worth becomes inextricable from who fancies us and for what reasons. It’s not our fault. But it is shitty. And the consequence is that when something goes wrong, or when there is never anything there to go wrong in the first place, we’re so often left sitting around asking what’s wrong with us. [quite a lot in my case - but that’s merely incidental] Taylor Swift gets a bad rap. And it’s unfair - labelled as obsessive and vindictive. But if I was Taylor Swift and had the capability to sell millions of records capitalising off the fact that when my heart is broken I lose part of my identity I
would. It’s like revenge porn for 14 year olds; think Beach Boys meets Cruel Intentions. I would be all over that shit. Because when we’re led throughout our whole teenage life to believe that our value hinges upon men, and it goes wrong - why the hell shouldn’t we capitalise off of it? Because being led to feel like less of a person because once someone pretended they were going to take you to a Noam Chomsky lecture but really took you to a mountain to try and get off of you is a) hilarious, but also b) totally fucking shitty.
Lol everything is fine hahaha. ha. SO at this stage, because of course our human worth is dependent on love interests we’ve been told that all our teenage lives of course - the only logical step was to
download Tinder - right? Right. Well that’s what I thought, truly believing it would solve everything. As it transpires, Tinder does not solve everything. I lost myself in a melee of right swipes and terrible men. And now everything is so much worse. But then we’re given the very legitimate advice, from those same people who have already told us our whole lives where our value comes from, to just be ourselves. That seems nice, right? ‘Hey! Things haven’t worked so far - that’s okay! Just do you! You’re not that bad.’ (I am that bad) (but that’s not the point) So I backtrack and realise that boys aren’t all that, and that it’s no ones fault that I don’t have a boyfriend and that I should just be myself and everything will be fine. But then I’m not really sure who that is anymore and I’m back to square one. Swift, making money from all that heart break.
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Monday 5th October 2015
By Patrick Brooks Former Editor Patrick is a former editor of the Tab and after a year’s sabatical in the theatre world he has returned to his natural pastures to be a Tab Michaelmas Columnist.
I recently stumbled, eyes-moistened, sniffing heartily, out of a 3pm Cineworld screening of Pixar’s preteen-aimed latest ‘Inside Out’. If you haven’t seen it (Go! Go now! Drop the damn paper and run!), ‘Inside Out’ is a fiendishly clever animation about a 11-year-old girl who moves house and gets slightly depressed for a couple of days. The film’s director, Pete Docter, tells this relatively anodyne and stakesless story by literally embodying her emotions as tiny spritelike characters inside her mind, and then having the two separate worlds – inside the young girl’s brain, and then her actual life – play out concurrently. It’s an absolute fucking masterpiece, and the central take-home, like in many Pixar films, is about growing up – that eventually it’s necessary to shed childhood’s naïve joy at the world and accept that sometimes Things Are Bad. Typed out and lacking sublime animation and a beautiful
Freshers | The Tab
score to slip it gracefully down your throat, this message seems banal and obvious, but I think it’s really really easy to rationally be aware of this kind of hackneyed-but-true life philosophy and yet still end up feeling like there’s something wrong with you if you’re not constantly happy and ever spend a day or a week or a month just feeling a bit meh. Freshers’ week is not going to be the best week of your life. Don’t d e l u d e yourself for a second. It’s a necessary e v i l , nothing more – a four day hazing ritual that everyone has to go through so you can get on to the actual fun stuff. Moving to university is probably one of the greatest and most emotionally violent gear-shifts you’ll ever make, an extremely clearly demarcated transition between not really feeling like your life has properly started yet to Being a Fucking Adult. Combine this with uprooting your entire life and living on your own for the first time ever, lots of alcohol,
a brand new city, and viral infections from all corners of the country and quelle surprise, you end up with a big fragile mess of thousands of people all not knowing what the fuck they’re doing. In my Freshers’ Week, I ended up getting so drunk on the first night that I was kicked out of the Bop by porters and ended up alone in my
r o o m , feeling as isolated and despondent as I’ve ever felt. I could palpably imagine three years slipping down the drain of waste and failure, my potential and tens of thousands of pounds following close behind. This
vision of the desolate future was so intense and immersive that I barely even noticed that I was uncontrollably pissing myself. But then just a few days later I’d finished my first supervision and was striding back through college and I paused and looked around and took a deep, ragged, freshfaced hormonal breath, and the sun was glinting off the minarets of the beautiful old buildings, and the lawn had just been mowed into those super satisfying checker-board stripes, and just for a second I let myself feel like the arrogant t w a t t y stereotype I normally try not to come across like, because I’d made it, I was here, the blazing potential of it all stretched before me, and an inexpressible sweet expectation of bliss, of unknown mysterious happiness, radiated to the tips of my fingers. Freshers’ Week, and in fact Cambridge in general, will be neither exclusively the greatest nor the worst time of your life – it’ll be like most other times, i.e. peppered with quite a lot of both, and at the very least you can harvest some pretty amusing stories from the worst bits.
Generally, it’ll get better, and most people’s first terms are their least favourite. But who cares? Who’s checking if you’re having a great time? Only you. So don’t beat yourself up about it.
you end up with a big fragile mess of thousands of people all not knowing what the fuck they’re doing Forget the stifling barrage of generalisations and stereotypes and furiously trying to squeeze yourself into the Accepted Narrative of what Cambridge is Supposed To Be Like, and just try to muddle through for a bit. Don’t have any expectations, good or bad, because they’ll inevitably be proved incorrect in ways that you couldn’t possibly imagine, and shouldn’t really waste energy trying to. And if you’re ever really feeling shit, lock yourself in your room, order a Dominos (because you can fucking do that now and literally no one will stop you) and rewatch all the Toy Story films because my god they are literally perfection in celluloid form.
1 The Tab |
Cambridge
Monday 5th October 2015
Special Cambridge Firsts
Those little things you won’t find at other universities. What makes Cambridge Cambridge?
The First Van of Life
Miranda Gabbot Features Editor
At many universities, what you remember as “the student experience” will depend on your personality - you could have an entirely different three years to a peer with different interests. Cambridge is not one of those universities. While mentioned in neither prospectus nor email, there is a certain amount of bizarre shit which is completely inherent to being a student here. These are some of the inevitable landmark moments to anticipate in the coming year.
The first time you aren’t embarrassed to be in Cindies
Unless you are from a very, very small town in which the nineties only ended a few months ago, the first time you go to Cindies will make you want to simultaneously cry and vomit. While we were all warned about the Cambridge nightlife, the exquisitely terrible school disco which is Cambridge’s biggest club reaches levels of naff many would have regarded conceptually impossible. Nonetheless, there will come a time when the stars of partying align and you are feeling drunk enough, frenzied enough and sociable enough to boogie through the cringe barrier and achieve an approximation of happiness on those sticky floors. We all reach this time at different points. On that night, y o u n g o n e , you will become a true student of Cambridge.
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Losing your van virginity is a sacred rite of passage and the pinnacle of any fresher’s week done correctly. After having walked past this van on your way to whichever club Bigfish Freshers is pushing that night and decided it looked distinctly average, 2am will see you huddled round its bright lights, on the outskirts of a throng of ravenous revellers - their eyes predatory as of seagulls round a bin. Small change will be exchanged for a polythene container of chips most golden. You will share a moment with these chips. A moment which can only be regarded as edible meditation. Cushions of potato hugged by a crispy golden shell and slathered, should the student loan allow, in the most decadently basicbitch cheese. You will try in vain to remember a time when chips brought you closer to God than these present chips before you. You will fail. In the bitterest of ironies, you will not remember this special first – van experiences will soon all roll into one glorious haze, each visit as orgasmic and alcohol blurred as the last.
First swap
After hearing tales of shenanigans involving whipped cream and toilet brushes, you will venture into your first swap with trepidation. It will probably not end in an orgy and you will leave feeling fat, smashed and slightly unsure what all the fuss was about. Expectations duly adjusted to Cambridge levels of nightlife, shit might get a little weirder at the next one.
First Fitzbillies Bun
A l s o known as the PG, pudding version of the van of life which you wouldn’t be
embarrassed to bring home to meet the parents. There are stories of alumni shipping boxes of these bad boys across oceans, yet far too many Cantabs make it into second year without tasting the treat which has been described on Tripadvisor as “nearly living up to the hype”. £2.50 of cinnamon happiness, these morsels are worth every fainting fit of the diabetes they inevitably cause. One ‘special first time’ not to wait for.
First TirednessInduced Hallucination Mine was of a fish.
First Trip to the UL
Before all memories of the trips to the UL conglomerate into one oak-panelled blob, there is the hurdle of the first visit to overcome. Some manage to stall this task for a whole term. This particular first time will be slow and painful, I’m afraid. Even when explained very slowly, and with a plan of the library on hand, finding books in that mega-barn of mind munch is, at best, statistically improbable. Remember those transferable skills from your Duke of Edinburgh days – such as emotionally accepting that you are hopelessly lost. I don’t think it’s undignified to cry during your first spell in that place. The café is quite nice though – so for a reward go and buy yourself a donut.
First Supervisor Crush
It’s okay, it happens to the best of us.
First Existential Crisis
Something will break you. Maybe it will be the crushing feelings of inadequacy sat next to a mathematical genius in the buttery; maybe the suspicious gloop in the gyp room microwave; or maybe your supervisor will forget to mark the essay you spent a week bleeding over. Sooner or later, this pressure cooker we call a university will get into your
head, and there will be a few minutes when you genuinely question whether existing is a good idea. I mean, is it a good idea? Now is the time for a cup of tea and a biscuit. Everyone remembers the first time they hit rock bottom in Cambridge, but what they remember more is how they got out of it. The new friend who will buy you fudge or the terrible haircut you will get to make yourself feel better. It’s a cliché because it’s true: we are all in the same boat. People in college take care of each other here and firm friendships develop quickly.
First Illegal Stroll on the Grass
Petty rules were invented to give people like us a childlike sense of joy at breaking them. It’s more or less a given that everyone will walk on the pristine grass at some point, despite all of the naggy signs. Pick your moment if you don’t want to get a fine - deepest night is recommended. So is a selfie.
First time you don’t notice how picturesque Kings’ Parade is
When you first arrive in Cambridge, those dreamy spires are so imposing that it seems utterly illogical that you – or anyone not of the bluest blood – could possibly live in such a city of whittled stone. One day sooner than you expect, you will be in such a hurry about your nerdy business that you will gaze on Kings’ college chapel without perceiving any beauty. The perpetual cycle of forgetting and re-discovering what a truly exquisite city Cambridge is, is one of the strange facts of becoming a local.
First Flush of Power
A wise man once said: if you so much as have a shit in Cambridge, it is significant and has some intellectual credence - because you had a shit in Cambridge. Following this rule, most student organisations here take themselves incredibly seriously. There are enough societies to get involved with that nearly every student can
feel very powerful in a niche section of the bubble - and because it’s a word-renowned bubble there is a temptation to believe that this translates into real power. Get into college politics, audition for a minor role in a play, write an article for the Tab – you will feel the glow. Your first flush of power will see you laughing manically in the mirror, before trying to relay news of this new found status on the phone to your parents and realising that these extra-curricular achievements are rather small and weird in civilian life.
First time you see a guy walking down the street in a Tuxedo swilling champagne
I promise: it happens. The first time you see it you will be full of questions and fear for the future of the human race. Will this guy become Prime Minister one day? Should you have taken a photo just in case? Where the hell was he going?
First time you drink an entire bottle of wine at Formal
If you drink at all, you will learn to somehow absorb an entire bottle of wine in a night. Before I came to Cambridge, I regarded such a volume of liquid as an ambitious amount for one person to consume, without even factoring in the fact that cheap wine tastes so much like sadness. As the official drink of poshos the world over, wine will be offered to you in unfeasible quantities from the first formal meal you consume at this university. At most of the colleges with less regular formals, one or even two bottles of wine per person at dinner is all but expected. The first time you drink an entire bottle you feel ashamed and slightly impressed with yourself. Cherish the moment - it will become a regular occurrence. When decades have gone by and you are sitting the grandchildren on your knee to tell them about the land of gowns and wine, your first year memories will be colourful and quaint. Just as colourful and quaint as everybody else’s.
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Monday 5th October 2015
Music | The Tab
What’s next for Star.One? Alfie Lambert Music Editor
Brother-duo Star.One are making big waves in the UK underground scene right now. A fixture of local Cambridge festival Strawberries & Creem, as well as the student-city circuit, The Tab caught up with Adam to chat about this coming student year. Firstly - congratulations on your performances at Reading & Leeds! How did it feel playing at such a high profile festival? Reading and Leeds are always brilliant! Reading especially is one of the most fun festivals to play in the UK as the crowd is always so pumped! We played some of our new stuff for the first time and was really happy with the reaction. Was good to catch up with some of the other artists as well, alot of collaborations always come about from meeting at festivals! Having playing student towns around the UK how does Cambridge compare - is the Cambridge scene changing? Cambridge is kind of an over-looked jewel. We’ve been playing it for the last couple of years and the crowd are definitely now more receptive to more fresh UK music. Take the lineup for S&C as an example, I don’t think it would have worked 3 years ago but worked perfectly!
What’s next for Star.One?
Gigs aside we’ve gone really quiet this year and haven’t put any music out (mad how quickly 2015s going!). That’s going to change soon though, we’ve been hard at work in the studio and are very nearly ready to put out some fresh releases. We’ve been focusing on jungle, Garage and Grime and have got some really strong stuff in the pipeline so watch this space! You’ve played at Strawberries & Creem festival twice now - can we expect to see you there again this summer? I really hope so! Strawberries and Creem is a sick festival and it was great to see the growth from last year to this year. Plus the weather always seems to be amazing and the lineups are always on point- Bring us back for 2016!
its only you students that party 7 days a week! How important do you think student-led nights are to the UK music scene? Very important, they are a very big part. As music sales decline, gigs are a big way for artists to make money and its only you students that party 7 days a week! Also students seem to be very much on the
pulse in terms of new music. When i was a student, I listened to alot more music than I do now, probably just because I had more time and was going out more so students and student nights are a big driving force for artists.
Treat Uni work as a 9-5 Put a few hours in everyday What up-and-coming artist would you say is one to watch in 2016? So many! Off top of my head I love the new Grime MCs coming through like Jammz and Mez. Producer wise I’m really rating what Mischief is doing and theres a guy called Top Dolla who I really like. It’s good to see Shakka getting the shine he deserves and also I’ve heard some of the forthcoming releases from the Manchester Big People Music label and they’re tough! Do you have any tips for the new students? Treat Uni work as a 9-5 and put a few hours in everyday and your workload will never get on top of you. Don’t do what I did and leave it all to the last minute!
Azeem Ward
Meeting the man, the myth, the legend.
Alfie Lambert Music Editor
2015 will be remembered as the year that grime came back, the Nandos was at its cheeky peak and we all got a little bit obsessed by a young man and his little flute. Yes, you’ve guessed it, The Tab secured an interview with viral royalty and flautist extraordinaire, Azeem Ward. How did you first find out you’d gone viral in the UK? The attendees on the original event page was exponentially increasing on the Tuesday before the recital. It was something I would never have expected! Do you know what a Cheeky Nandos is? Something quite extraordinary. Did you get a chance to meet the student from Durham that flew over to see your recital? Y e s , Stuart Swift is great guy! Hope to meet him again someday. It’s awesome that someone took
the time and the expense to come all that way to watch me play. How you do feel about the grime / flute fusions that were made? (I can send you these if you didn’t hear them!) They were hilarious, made the whole experience of “going viral” more pleasant! Are you looking forward to your gig in Cambridge coming up soon? Yes! More than ever! Very excited to perform for the students of Cambridge. Finally have you got anything to say to the new Cambridge University students this year? Looking forward to meeting all of you, and giving you performance you won’t forget :)
Considers Cheeky Nandos as “something quite extraordinary” A man of few words, but I’m sure you’ll agree words are useless when your flute does all the talking you’ll ever need.
Monopoly
The Tab | Cambridge
Monday 5th October 2015
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C a m brid g e Edi t i o n : o u r g a m e
By Alice Pavey Deputy Editor
The one, the only, comprehensive, digestible Cambridge guide. You arrive at Go. Your first term. You are the hat, or the thimble, or whatever else you have chosen to re-invent yourself as when you arrive at University for your fresh start. Not completely fresh, as that boy from down the road is on your course, and there are 8 people from your secondary school littered about, ready to greet you with awkward conversation when you bump into them in the Sainsbury’s queue. But nonetheless, the game is about to commence. Before we begin, I should remind you of a couple of rules. You can’t get a job, so when you inevitably land on Park lane with nothing but your soul left to sell, tough shit because rules. Additionally, because this is Cambridge, occasionally a giant hand will appear and flick you back 4 spaces. That was you getting your supervision essay back, and the inevitable self-doubt and loathing that follows. Lastly, occasionally random and morally dubious rules will be introduced. They won’t make sense and they may be an active detriment to all involved but you’re not allowed to change or remove them. These are called Cambridge traditions.
some Chance cards. Chance cards include but are by no means limited to: You buy a bottle of Sainsbury’s Gin and put it in the front basket of your bike. On the way home it falls out and shatters everywhere. Congratulations, you just lost tenner and a considerable amount of dignity. Give £500 to the bank. On the first night of freshers’ you fall, break your arm and spend 6 hours i n
Addenbrooke’s. You are confined to your room for the remainder of the week and as such make no friends. Stay on Go. You create an innocent Facebook event to host predrinks, and it blows up Azeem-style. You may have won friends, respect and a collection of half empty bottles of Basics vodka, but you also g e t
GO square Freshers Fair.
The whole game/degree stretches out in front of you like a great expanse of opportunity and excitement. This eager anticipation rapidly stagnates however, after your email inbox is cluttered with 34 emails from the various societies you signed up for under the naive fresher pretence that you would ever actually get involved with them. First of all, start on GO. This square is freshers’ fair. Waiting for whatever Cambridge has to throw at you, ready to swing and probably miss. As you move through the came you may happen upon
You get ill on the Varsity Ski trip. You go to the doctors and use your barely passable GCSE French to explain the problem, but all you end up with is a wasted day on the bus and a hefty doctors bill. Give £100 to the bank, go back 2 squares, and take a moment to appreciate the NHS. You manage to pass off a particularly prominent vein as the Life stamp so sneak in for free. Collect £5. As you move through your degree you are likely to encounter a handful of prolific organisations. Some you might have to search a bit harder for (e.g. the Smoothie Appreciation society), and others are an inescapable and ever present scab on the landscape of both Cambridge life and your Facebook feed. (e.g. the Union)
Get out of jail free card is that legend on your course who sent you the essay that you just couldn’t muster up the strength to produce unaided. You’ve made it out unscathed this time, but a part of you knows this solution is pretty unsustainable. Community chest squares are mailing lists. They’ll keep popping up, they’ll never leave you the fuck alone, and you
Some other examples include: DoS meeting is ‘Go to jail.’ Essentially you’ve spent all year arsing around, stealing community chest cards and covertly taking £500 each time you pass go. You haven’t done anything remotely productive and finally someone’s figured you out. Jail is that way.
University Library – Jail.
Fairly self explanatory. The place w h e r e hopes, dreams a n d
Deaned. Go back 4 squares. You find a lanyard on Sidgewick avenue so dress in black, pretend to be a worker and stroll into a May Ball for free. Collect £140 and feel smug for the remainder of the game.
You’re not really sure what the point of it is, but yet it still sits there, irrelevant and annoying. Each time you pass go, collect your student loan. However whether you stop two squares later on Super tax isn’t decided by a petty dice roll, its compulsory. Sorry. Because super tax is now the Kitchen fixed charge. It feels unfair, you don’t really know what it’s going towards, and now you have no money left.
Drunk food - Green Properties
can’t seem to find any use for them. You signed up for the college boat club in Freshers’ week under the fragile pretense that you might become the kind of person who exercises regularly - now emails about outings are floating uneasily amongst messages from Agora eagerly telling you about some event you can’t be bothered to attend, and your department telling you about some feedback form you can’t be bothered to fill out.
Clubs - Train Stations
happiness go to rot away and slowly die. You’re confined to its walls until you prove your worth and roll a double/finish your essay. Also there’s a distinct visual parallel here as it quite literally looks like a prison.
CUSU - Utilities.
– because there are 4. You unfailingly go and spend money on them, but the consequent impact on your bank balance and general sense of wellbeing makes you consistently regret this choice. Swaps - brown properties. They’re cheap and generally quite shit but you keep being tempted back there, despite the fact that it always seems to be a waste of your time and money.
You’re cruising down the final stretch of the board/ across market square and at the time it seems like a great idea. The next morning you smell of garlic and wonder why you felt it was necessary to bury yourself further into your overdraft for the sake of some breaded mushrooms from the Van of Life. Alas, you have reached the end of the game/your degree. Hasn’t it been wonderful. You’re probably quite glad that it’s over - 3 years is a long-ass game of monopoly although another part of you is more than a little alarmed with the prospect of being unceremoniously spewed out into the real world because, as with Monopoly, Cambridge actually has startlingly little resemblance to real life. You learnt how to effectively engineer a profitable trade of Covent Garden for Trafalgar Square – but much like learning to always pass port to the right, you soon realize that a lot of the skills you’ve painstakingly cultivated are in fact, useless. So good luck - roll the dice, take a chance, and invest in other board game related clichés. You’ll be great.
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Monday 5th October 2015
| The Tab
The Tab | Lifestyle
Monday 5th October 2015
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Cambridge: A timescale 1. The Union will invite someone. 2. The Union will invite someone controversial and there will be a protest. 3. The Union will invite someone controversial and there will be a protest and a boycott. 4. The Union will invite someone controversial and there will be a protest and a boycott and a Facebook event. 5. The Union will invite someone controversial and there will be a protest and a boycott and a Facebook event, but people will still go. 6. The Union will invite someone controversial and there will be a protest and a boycott and a Facebook event, but people will still go and may or may not unfurl a Palestinian flag. 7. The Union will invite someone else. 8. We will move on.
“best friends” The shortcut to making
Phoebe Jayes Lifestyle Editor
If you follow through with all the points on this list, we guarantee you’ll have at least one friend by the end of term
GET NAKED
Unless you’re both rich and lucky, chances are you’re sharing a tiny bathroom with multiple people. Do not pull the incredibly awkward “take all your clothes into the bathroom so you can put them on while your hair is still soaking and body moist” trick - it’s no fun for anyone involved. Nope, don’t even bother with a towel. Get naked in front of those neighbours and there will be few inhibitions remaining between you, all at minimum effort. #freethenipple
GET ONLINE
Be that person who starts adding from ‘people you may know’, regardless of whether you know them or not. Set up a collegiate inbox/ group on Facebook and repeatedly spam it: send stickers to your heart’s content, force people to go to Hall with you and organise group bonding trips to the Botanical gardens or Sainsburys. You are the social secretary. Everyone is in awe of you. Everyone wants to be your friend.
GET IN THE CAM
On your way back from The Club, encourage someone to jump into the river Cam with you. If they say no, carry
out the accidental-trip tactic. Have a good ol’ bond about the fact you’re both on the brink of pneumonia and how no one in college will ever be able to out-lad you or let this down. And you’ve only been in Cambridge for 48 hours!!
GET ON THE FLOOR
GET INTO THE CELEBRATORY SPIRIT OF THINGS
It’s going to be your birthday at least three times during Freshers’ term. Crack out that ludicrously oversized birthday badge and beautiful, beaded tiara, and parade around with donuts and a megaphone. People will feel obligated to spend time with you.
GET ON TINDER/ GRINDR
There is no such thing as ‘ swiping left ’ in your dictionary. When matching with someone you know, help them feel as comfortable as possible by kicking off the convo with a sexy pic.
GET DEANED
Crawl into a vague acquaintance ’ s room on the morning after a particularly large night out and flail around on their carpet, demanding nourishment and cuddles.
GET INTO COSTUME
Wear a particularly outrageous fancy dress costume to your first college bop, preferably including at least two of any of the following: faux fur; pork pie hat; vampire teeth; a slinky; fake tan; cellophane; a Jacobean ruff; luxury swimwear and/ or flippers; snake outfit; crocs; furry trousers; a sheet.
No one likes a goody two-shoes. Grab a couple of friends and punt stealthily off into the night on your college punt. It‘d be a really good idea. GET ALDI PRODUCTS Aldi is a technicolour dreamland of wonderfulness and cheapness. Be the first person to make that bike trip to Aldi and come back with all the retro cereal packets, fizzy pops and £4 Cocobay White Rum & Coconuts your little arms can carry. Distribute fairly throughout your massive clique.
The Tab Guide to: Being a lad in Freshers’ Week 1. Drink heavily. You’re not doing it right until your liver hurts. 2. Skip supervisions. 3. Start smoking. 4. Throw up during matriculation dinner so everyone knows how much of a lad you are. 5. Ket. 6. Base jump from the UL.
The Tab Guide to: To an early death 1. Drink heavily. You’re not doing it right until your liver hurts. 2. Skip supervisions. 3. Start smoking. 4. Throw up during matriculation dinner so everyone knows how much of a lad you are. 5. Ket. 6. Base jump from the UL.
FISHER HOUSE Your Catholic Chaplaincy In the heart of the University, Fisher House exists to support the spiritual, intellectual and social life of Catholic students. Its chapel, meeting room and library are open daily. www.srcf.ucam.org/fisherhouse/ www.facebook.com/groups/fishersociety/
MASS TIMES
Sunday: 6.00pm (Sat. Vigil), 8.00 Tridentine, 9.00am Sung Latin, 11.00am Sung English Monday: 12.30pm Tuesday - Saturday: 1.05pm
FRESHERS’ MASS & LUNCH - Sunday 11 October, 11.00am FRESHERS’ FREE BAR NIGHT - Friday 16 October, 8.30pm
AND FINALLY… GET INVOLVED
Join The Tab and write a really unhelpful article which the entire student population will then be subjected to reading. Fan mail will come flying into your pidge and your friends will want to keep you very close.
Fisher House is just off the marketplace and Petty Cury, to the left of the Guildhall, beside Yo Sushi.
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Monday 5th October 2015
Fashion | The Tab
Burst into colour Fashion
(Or nudity) (This article may contain nudity)
Directors and Stylists: Victoria Nelmes and Georgina Wong | Photographer: Qiuying Lai | Models: India Ayles and Katurah Morrish
The Tab | Fashion
Monday 5th October 2015
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Monday 5th October 2015
Theatre | The Tab
Meet the (not so funny) Footlights
E x p e c t Lot s o f L au g h s. Molly O’Connor Theatre Editor
The Tab talked to the Footlights about this year’s tour, the brilliant ‘Love Handles’. Despite following in the footsteps of giants, they’re a self-deprecating bunch— expect “lots of laughs. Maybe like fifty.” What advice would you give to your fresher self? ADRIAN: Always be yourself. Apart from when it is necessary to modify your personality in order to fit in and/or meet the wants and expectations of your peers.
M ay b e L i k e F i f t y.
How did you get involved with comedy in Cambridge? ADRIAN: I started by auditioning for Footlights Smokers, which I think is a really good way to get going. I was also lucky to meet Zoe Tomalin at my college, who did lots of comedy, and she invited me to do a stand-up show with her in Easter Term of my first year. ARCHIE: Smokers!
What’s the worst audition you’ve ever had?
What can audiences expect from Love Handles?
ADRIAN: The second smoker I auditioned for (having not got into the first), no-one laughed for the entire audition. Then, weirdly, the sketch got in. Terrified of receiving the same reaction at the ADC as I’d received in the audition room, I re-wrote the entire sketch, but it bombed in the run-through an hour before the show. I went home and watched some footage of Freddie Mercury for a bit and tried to be sick. Then in the smoker it actually went really well. I still don’t really understand what happened.
ADRIAN: Let’s just say we’re eggs-tremely egg-cited about this egg-cellent show ;) ARCHIE: A high energy extravaganza.
KEN: Lots of laughs. Maybe like fifty. And even in the moments you’re not laughing, you’re still watching or awake. What’s been the best part about touring? ARCHIE: Friendship. ADRIAN: Probably redefining sketch comedy for a generation. ELEANOR: Archie’s sinister ‘friendship ring’. KEN: Watching the team grow as a group. We were thrown together back in March and a lot of us didn’t really know each other, and we had to create a show together and live together for two months – I had no idea how things would turn out. So the most satisfying moments for me were just times when it really felt like “these people are so great together.” Also playing a lot of Lego Star Wars II. What joke would you use to break the ice during freshers week? ADRIAN: “Hey, you seem really nice. Can I buy you a drink?” – That always seems to get a laugh. KEN: Probably my ‘mussel memory’ joke. Hehe.
Molly O’Connor Theatre Editor
Have you come to Cambridge looking to make a name for yourself around campus? Have you got a flair for the dramatic? Do you crave validation from strangers? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you may have what it takes to become an ADC BNOC! The ADC (Amateur Dramatic Club for the uninitiated) puts on countless shows every term and can provide you with the perfect platform to launch your BNOC status. Just follow these simple steps and you’ll be beating off your adoring fans with a stick in no time.
Step One:
When auditioning for plays, never accept anything less than the main role, everything else is beneath you. Smaller roles may be acceptable for less ambitious thespians who are here to ‘make friends’ or ‘enjoy themselves’, but not for the burgeoning BNOC!
Step Two:
Spend ALL of your free time in the ADC bar. The ADC bar is where the thesps come to socialise so it is imperative that you’re there as much as possible. True BNOCs keep a sleeping bag behind the bar and spend the night, so as not to miss a moment of potential banter.
Step Three:
Always be schmoozing. To be a BNOC, you have to know everybody who’s anybody at the ADC and the best way to do this is to never stop networking to worm your way into your next big role.
If you’re at the ADC bar and are chatting away to a friendly fellow actor but you see the director of next terms’ big show walk past, true BNOCs know what to do. You ditch that loser, find the director and start casually slipping the fact that you have stage combat training into conversation whilst juggling on horseback.
Step Four:
Always read the reviews. Some people might say ‘it doesn’t matter, as long as you’re proud of the show you put on’. These people are obviously not BNOCs to be! It is crucial that you read all reviews of shows you’re in and then spam the comments section with gratuitous praise of your own efforts at the expense of your fellow actors. Anonymously of course.
Step Five:
Gush. Gush like your life depends on it. It’s important that all of your fellow thesps know how much you love EVERYTHING about the ADC. You’ll have to gush about how much you love your fellow actors, directors, techies, the play you’re doing, the play you’re auditioning for and Eddie Redmayne (a former Cambridge theatre BNOC!). In time, your manufactured enthusiasm will be returned with their genuine friendship, thus cementing your BNOC status! So go forth readers into your bright and shining future as BNOCs! Or you know, behave like a sane person, get involved, make friends and have fun. One of the two.
The Tab |
Monday 5th October 2015
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Monday 5th October 2015
Lifestyle | The Tab
Clubbing at Cam The Tab’s Guide to:
By Keir Heath Deputy Lifestyle Editor
that Pirates of the Caribbean is also a favourite of their DJ. LGBT+ night: Kaleidoscope
Over the next three years be prepared to sample some of the best nights An additional bonus of out in the country... if Life is the regular LGBT+ Cambridge was its own night every Monday. This includes gender neutral country, that is. Joking aside, Cambridge is a University too and there is fun to be had here. Somewhere. Welcome to Lifestyle ’ s definitive guide to winning at the unique Cambridge nocturnal scene: from the regular, overcrowded week nights to the more adventurous specials.
Ballare (Cindies)
Tuesday Jelly baby and Wednesday Cindies We start off with the absolute classic; the mainstay of the Cambridge clubbing scene. While empires may rise and fall, Cindies will stay resolutely the same for decades to come. It is a place so resistant to change that even rebranding it Ballare could not prevent its fabled name permeating all parts of student culture. Famed for its lack of a licence to play songs all the way through and a policy of cheese, cheese and more cheese, its highlights include clips of Frozen, The Lion King and Mr Brightside. TIP: The Long Island Iced Teas here are lethal, and it boasts the most social smoking area.
Kuda (Life)
Sunday Life, Fundamental Fridays and Monday Kaleidoscope Another one better known by its past (and, let’s be honest, better) name, Kuda is located underneath Waterstones, making it both the perfect location for a Cambridge club and the sweatiest place imaginable. It is perhaps a ‘ cooler ’ night out than Cindies, albeit one you ’ ll probably regret when you wake up to distant memories of ‘ too much tongue ’ . Go to Life for a more current selection of pop songs, bearing in mind
toilets with a very relaxed atmosphere to let your hair down and party, unashamed, to Pop bangers. Open to everyone of every identity, for a night of allinclusive fun. TIP: Weekend nights are the least popular nights in Cambridge (for students of the University), but if you ’ re going to go out on one, Friday night Life is probably your best bet.
Fez
C.R.E.E.M Sundays and TURF Thursdays Getting into the more commercial clubs, Fez distances itself from the pure cheese factor (for better or worse). Fun can be had between the very dodgy coloured walls if heavy Drum and Bass remixes are your thing. Sunday night C.R.E.E.M gives students a tough choice between Fez and Life, while Thursday TURF is famous for its bitermly all nighters. Which begs the question: To house, or not To house? TIP: Being directly opposite one another, Life and Fez compete against each other all the time (apart from
Cindies days). Go to Fez if you fancy yourself more Hipster than Ladster.
LolaLos
Jagger rocks (Thursday) and Itchy feet LolaLos is a decent club with an old school disco floor
The Cambridge Union
and a great smoking area. However, being known as being the underage club means it is the least frequented party space in Cambridge. You will probably only go on the first day of term and again with a bunch of friends when there is absolutely no other option. Itchy Feet put on a fantastic vintage event here each year: don ’ t miss buying your tickets!
Freshers’ Ball
Specials nights Q Club | Oh! Rama
This Cambridge queer night is relatively new and a lot of fun: don your glitter, feathers and furs and (take a taxi to) this fairly out of the way club. It ’ s worth it once you get there. It includes a pole.
The Regal (Wetherspoon) Danger spoons and Saturday)
(Friday
Danger spoons is a ‘friendly’ nickname for the transformation of The Regal into Cambridge ’ s best night out. Well. It ’ s cheapest anyway. Clear away the tables from the sunken floor, bang out the tunes until your eardrums split, and you get the picture. Fail safe and cheap fun. Plus, you don ’ t feel guilty about leaving after 10 minutes when you realise that bed is a much better option. TIP: Meals here are very cheap too and not half bad.
Cambridge Junction Located in the Cambridge leisure park by Cherry Hinton, the Junction puts on bigger events than most other Clubs in the centre of town. Specialising in house, EDM and proper DJ sets, getting early bird tickets is advisable if you want to save money. Home to Boomslang, White Noise and Warning amongst others, the Junction is for anyone seeking a more serious clubbing experience, even if it is a taxi ride away for most. TIP: Alcohol is probably not the predominant drug being consumed at these nights
Freshers Ball tickets are free (if we disregard the hefty membership fee to the Union). If you are planning on becoming a member however, do it quickly, so you can enjoy your first Cambridge black tie ball in the luxurious environs of the Union. It ’ ll be a place to meet new people, and a great night. The Union also hosts various other parties throughout the year, the most frequent ones being ArcSoc (organised by all the architects). These are usually fabulous fun and involve outrageous fancy dress costumes such as for Saturate last year. TIP: Tickets to the Freshers ’ Ball are limited. Make sure you get in to the queue early.
Arcsoc
Cabaret and Club Nights Some of Cambridge’s best alternative nights out are put on by the architects and are usually more out there than your average club night. Sometimes collaborating with TURF and the Union to create a five star experience, there are rumours of a new secret location for October’s upcoming cabaret. Something to be tried at least once. Tip: Keep track of the official A R C S O C Facebook page as tickets sell out quickly and trust me, you’ll be disappointed if you’re not there.
The Tab | Sports
Monday 5th October 2015
Your Guide to
Fresher’s Week Undeniably the best week of your entire existence
3rd October
4th October
10pm: Welcome to Cambridge- The good life – Ballare
10pm: Flash FM – Fez Club
The first night of Fresher’s. Except it is to be packed, awkward and full of shit dancing. Half price drinks before 11 though, you’d be mad to go before 11 but just in case you did…
5th October 10pm: Soccer PM – Kuda The short tour of Cambridge clubs continues as we descend into the sweaty, carpeted part of hell beneath Waterstones. Apaz marketed for Uni sports teams, but the Jung bombs are so cheap noone cares.
Getting more friendly with your neighbours , past the “what’s your name” stage, head down for music so loud you’ll have the perfect excuse not to talk.
8th October
4.30pm: Grand Arcade Student Night
10pm: Creem Presents… Fez club
The lack of Pac-man may give it a misleading name, but the Grand Arcade has a load of shops, and they’re giving us all a discount today, isn’t that nice.
No cheese policy in force, CREEM will take over Fez to introduce us all to a better class of music. Thanks guys.
10pm: Cindies – Ballare
10th October 10pm: SUPERMAN SATURDAY: Freshers’ Saturday Part 2- Ballare
Nostalgic over the lack of memories you failed to make last week - don’t worry, we’re back in Ballare. Probably the last time you’ll go out on a Saturday so enjoy it while it lasts.
10pm: Warning – Junction
Boasting big hitters Wilkinson (and the one song of his you’ll know), if you’re not dead then head down to Cherry Hinton for some late night fun.
Zafar Ansari
scheduling of cricket. At the moment there is no time to practice any Twenty20 skills. We’re playing a four day game, then you get a day off and then play a [Twenty20] game on the Friday night. That happens week in, week out throughout the summer. The adjustment from four day cricket to Twenty20 cricket and making is hard. There needs to be more dedicated time to the different formats if you’re looking for improvement.
that will help your case for international selection?
ZA: I don’t know. There is a general move to that style of cricket. I think it’s more that England have picked players who have developed their games as positive, aggressive players. I think that in One Day cricket my statistics hold up in that [positive, aggressive] way. However, I don’t think they’ll exclude players w h o don’t g o in
10pm: Front and Back – Azeem Ward – Vodka revolution
7th October
The last night of freedom until exams are over will see a return to the infamous Ballare. No mess, No fuss and probably no tickets.
Meeting former Cantab and top cricketer,
6th October
The man, the myth, the legend Mr Azeem Ward and his Flute with being gracing the humble backwaters of the bubble, for some reason. Oh and there will be some vodka as well.
11th October 6.30pm: The Ultimate Cambridge Entertainment Night – The Cambridge Union Azeems back, and they’ve dragged some others to support him - like he needs it. John’s seem to get priority here, so grab tickets fast if you fancy Flute, Magic and cool Camden singers.
10pm: FOAMO% Fresher’s Foam Finale – Fez Club With a heavy heart we reach the end of another fresher’s week, what better way to lament the passing of time than soap. Lots and lots of soap.
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Do y o u think One Day Cricket cricket is your best chance of a sustained England career or, given England’s frailties at the top of the order and the lack of a frontline spinner, are Tests your best opportunity? ZA: I would say one day cricket is probably more likely, just because I’ve been more consistent in it as both a batsman and a bowler. There’s a real need for all-rounders in ODI, which suits me. Batting in Test cricket is incredibly hard - I haven’t even nearly cracked it in second division first class cricket,so Test cricket would be a big jump for me. Similarly, my bowling had been good this year but to go to being a Test cricketer is [another] big jump. One day cricket is definitely more likely at the moment, although that’s not to say that things won’t change.
there is an arrogance that only Oxford are comparable [to us] England have recently proclaimed that they want to play a new positive, aggressive brand of cricket. What do you make of that? Is something
How good do you think the current England side are? Do you think they can win an Ashes series in Australia? ZA: I do. If you go through the team, I’d say they are all quality players. It partly depends on the opposition and how good they are. English conditions have helped England. They’ve bowled very appropriately for the pitches and they’ve swung the ball. Generally both sides’ bowlers have been better than [their] batsmen, and England’s have been a bit more disciplined than Australia’s. England can definitely go to Australia and win an Ashes series. A lot of this team is pretty young and new to international cricket, so they’ll get better especially if [James] Anderson and [Stuart] Broad are still playing. I understand you’re currently studying for a Masters at Royal Holloway. Is academia something you are considering doing after you retire from cricket?
and h i t s i x e s from ball one or bowl ninety miles an hour; they’ll still pick players who they think are most appropriate for playing international cricket and then expecting them to buy into that more aggressive approach.
I really enjoyed studying at Cambridge
ZA: I wouldn’t say I’m doing it to set myself up for a career in academia. It’s more that I don’t want to simply play cricket There are other things I enjoy doing in life. I really enjoyed studying at Cambridge and I want to keep that going. You get a lot of time as a cricketer to think about options when you finish [your career]. Both my parents are academics, my girlfriend’s brother is an academic, my brother is doing a PhD (at Trinity Hall), so it’s not that original of me to want to, potentially, do that.
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Monday 5th October 2015
| The Tab
The Varsity Results Provided by Alex Thomas
Sport
Meeting Former C a n tab a n d To p C ric k e t e r Z afar A n sari By Alex Thomas, Sports Editor
As England wrapped up the Ashes against Australia this summer I spoke to Zafar Ansari, who graduated from Tit Hall in 2013 and now plays cricket professionally for Surrey. He bowls slow left-arm spin and bats in the middle order. Since this interview Ansari has been called up to the England squad, only for a thumb injury to rule him out of the Test series against Pakistan. Was it easy to find time to do your degree while pursuing your cricketing ambitions? Zafar Ansari: I would say yes, partly because cricket is, by nature, a summer sport. You can juggle it more easily than other sports like rugby or football where you are playing over the winter. I trained over the winter but in terms of trying to combine matches with my degree it didn’t overlap too much. Whenever there was a clash I’d always go down the route of whatever was better for my degree. Do you think Cambridge sport is too focused on beating Oxford? ZA: Yes, I do. It is weird and does reflect how much of a bubble Cambridge is there is an arrogance that only Oxford are comparable [to us], and that we should care more about what happens when we play them. Looking at other universities and other places there’s a lot to be envious of. I never really cared, other than just winning [each] game and the brief moments afterwards. What do you think about the current county system? Do you think it serves the needs of English cricket or do you think a franchise system would be beneficial? ZA: I’m not really sure if a franchise system would improve the standard or not. The problem is more the
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Karate (Women’s)
Cambridge
Archery (Mixed)
Oxford
Kendo (Mixed)
Cambridge
American Football (Men’s) Association Football (Men’s) Association Football (Women’s) Athletics (Indoor)
Cambridge
Kickboxing (Combined)
Oxford
Oxford
Korfball (Mixed)
Cambridge
Oxford
Lacrosse (Men’s)
Oxford
Cambridge
Lacrosse (Women’s)
Cambridge
Athletics (Outdoor)
Cambridge
Lacrosse (Mixed)
Cambridge
Badminton (Men’s)
Oxford
Lawn Tennis (Men’s)
Oxford
Badminton (Women’s)
Oxford
Oxford
Basketball (Men’s)
Cambridge
Basketball (Women’s)
Cambridge
Boat Race (Men’s)
Oxford
Boat Race (Women’s)
Oxford
Boxing (Men’s)
Cambridge
Lawn Tennis (Women’s) Lightweight Rowing (Men’s) Lightweight Rowing (Women’s) Modern Pentathlon (Men’s) Modern Pentathlon (Women’s) Netball (Women’s)
Canoe Marathon (Men’s)
Oxford
Orienteering (Men’s)
Cambridge
Canoe Marathon (Women’s)
Oxford
Orienteering (Women’s)
Cambridge
Canoe Polo (Men’s)
Cambridge
Polo (Men’s)
Oxford
Canoe Polo (Women’s)
Oxford
Powerlifting (Combined)
Cambridge
Cricket T20 (Men’s)
Cambridge
Real Tennis (Men’s)
Cambridge
Cricket T20 (Women’s)
Oxford
Real Tennis (Women’s)
Cambridge
Cricket 1-day (Men’s)
Oxford
Riding (Mixed)
Cambridge
Cricket 1-day (Women’s)
Oxford
Rugby Fives (Men’s)
Cambridge
Cricket 4-day (Men’s)
Cambridge
Rugby Fives (Women’s)
Oxford
Cross Country (Men’s)
Oxford
Rugby League (Men’s)
Oxford
Cross Country (Women’s) Cruising: Windsurfing (Combined) Cycling (Men’s)
Cambridge
Rugby Union (Men’s)
Oxford
Draw
Cambridge
Cycling (Women’s)
Cambridge
Rugby Union (Women’s) Ski & Snowboard (Combined) Small Bore (Men’s)
Dancesport (Mixed)
Cambridge
Small Bore (Women’s)
Cambridge
Duathlon (Men’s)
Oxford
Squash (Men’s)
Oxford
Duathlon (Women’s)
Cambridge
Squash (Women’s)
Cambridge
Eton Fives (Combined)
Cambridge
Swimming (Men’s)
Oxford
Fencing (Men’s)
Cambridge
Swimming (Women’s)
Oxford
Fencing (Women’s)
Cambridge
Table Tennis (Men’s)
Cambridge
Goat Race
Oxford
Table Tennis (Women’s)
Cambridge
Golf (Men’s)
Oxford
Trampoline (Combined)
Oxford
Golf (Women’s)
Cambridge
Triathlon (Men’s)
Oxford
Gymnastics (Men’s)
Cambridge
Triathlon (Women’s)
Oxford
Gymnastics (Women’s)
Oxford
Ultimate Frisbee (Women’s)
Oxford
Hockey (Men’s)
Cambridge
Volleyball (Men’s)
Oxford
Hockey (Women’s)
Cambridge
Volleyball (Women’s)
Oxford
Ice Hockey (Men’s)
Cambridge
Waterpolo (Men’s)
Cambridge
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Oxford
Waterpolo (Women’s)
Oxford
Judo (Men’s)
Oxford
Yachting (Men’s)
Cambridge
Judo (Women’s)
Cambridge
Yachting (Women’s)
Oxford
Karate (Men’s)
Cambridge
Cambridge
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I t ’s o fficia l, C a m brid g e ar e b e t t e r at s p o r t t ha n ox f o rd By Alex Thomas, Sports Editor The Cambridge-Oxford rivalry pervades all aspect of university life, although in none is it more evident than in sport. Fixtures against Oxford, known as Varsity matches are often seen as the beall-and-end-all of a Cambridge sportsperson’s existence. In certain sports, a season is only deemed successful if the Varsity match is won. Nearly all sports have Varsity matches. Rugby and cricket have their Varsity matches at Twickenham and Lord’s although the Light Blues lost at both venues. The most famous Varsity match is of course the Boat Race, which we lost as well. However the more prestigious Varsities do not tell the whole story. When the results from every sports’ Varsity match are counted, a clear picture emerges… It didn’t all go this badly Cambridge came out victorious winning 48 Varsity matches to Oxford’s 41! (Details on Page 39) While Oxford came out on top in the more traditional sports (football, rugby, cricket, tennis and rowing all went the way of the Dark Blues), our strength in a multitude of different sports saw us beat Oxford comfortably overall. Cambridge completed clean sweeps in eleven sports, including basketball, hockey, lightweight rowing, orienteering and athletics. Cycling also yielded two Varsity victories, which comes as no surprise given the bike traffic before and after lectures. It was more like this Last year’s result becomes even more intriguing when the results are broken down by gender. Cambridge’s men’s teams just edged out their Oxford counterparts, winning 20 matches to Oxford’s 19. However Cambridge’s sportswomen won as many Varsity matches as they lost. With Oxford taking the honours in the annual Goat Race (yes it’s a real event), the two universities would be level were it not for one key factor. In Varsity matches where men’s and women’s efforts are combined or the sport is intrinsically mixed, Cambridge come out on top 103. This includes our victories in dancesport, athletics, skiing and even American football. However Oxford will come again this year and, with the overall total still close, we’ll need to be on top of our game to beat Oxford once again. The Tab would like to wish all of Cambridge’s sports teams the best of luck in their Varsity matches. GDBO.