Marriage, Inc. 2014 by Olivet Nazarene University

MARRIAGE January 2014

RESOURCES > National Marriage Week > Featured Books > Marriage Counselors

INC

A publication of Marriage, Inc., dedicated to building a culture of marriage.

MAGAZINE

ARTICLES > Benefits of Marriage Ministry > Improving Marital Health > Mental Health and Marriage

2014

> Interviews with Advocates

A C E L E B R AT I O N O F M A R R I A G E

Date Night 2014 Centennial Chapel Olivet Nazarene University Bourbonnais, Ill.

Marriage, Inc. Magazine

Welcome! Jill and I are pleased to welcome you to the campus of Olivet Nazarene University for Marriage, Inc.’s annual Date Night. You are in for a double treat this evening, as the sixth annual Date Night features the theatrical duo, Shores and Anderson-Shores, and comedian Jeff Allen. While it may be cold outside, our guests are sure to provide an evening of warmth and laughter as they share “learnings” from their own marriage experiences. Olivet is pleased to partner with Marriage, Inc. as they seek to “build a culture of marriage” in Kankakee County and beyond. We concur that where marriages are strong, the whole community benefits. Thank you for joining with hundreds of other couples as we participate in this evening’s marriage-strengthening event. Enjoy! Sincerely,

Dr. and Mrs. John C. Bowling Olivet Nazarene University

is published yearly by Marriage, Inc., in conjunction with the annual Date Night event Volume 3, Issue 1

Marriage, Inc. Staff Dr. Kent and Beth Olney

Co-Directors

Alisha Clark

Associate Director: Cultural Liaison

Kathy Heck

Associate Director: Church and Community Liaison

Ian Matthews

Marketing Coordinator

Magazine Design:

Donnie Johnson Jon Lehman Contact Us Marriage, Inc. One University Avenue Bourbonnais, IL 60914 www.marriageinc.org info@marriageinc.org 815-939-5385

MARRIAGE

INC

TA B L E O F C O N T E N T S

2013 2014

MAGAZINE

A C E L E B R AT I O N O F M A R R I A G E

3 Evening Program 4 Evening Speakers 6 Co-hosts/Musicians

Marriage, Inc. Magazine 8 Community Spotlight Dr. Grumish, Marriage, Inc. supporter

10 National Marriage Week 11 Black Marriage Day 12 Invest in Marriage

Marriage ministry cultivates healthy marriages

15 Rethinking Marriage Seeing the bigger picture

16 Invest in Marriage

Improving marital health

19 Book Resources

Practical advice for men and women

21 Clergy Spotlight

Impact Award Recipients

22 Invest in Marriage

Mental health and marriage

28 Mentoring Spotlight

Premarital preparation pays off

30 Marriage Counselors 33 A Prayer for Marriage God’s holy intentions

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I N T R O D U C T IO N

inc. WHO WE ARE

Building a Culture of Marriage KENT AND BETH OLNEY CO-DIRECTORS | MARRIAGE, INC.

What a delight it is to welcome you to the sixth annual Date Night hosted by Marriage, Inc. We are so glad you have joined us.

This yearly celebration is intended to honor the institution of marriage, to provide an occasion to renew our own relationships and to offer practical teaching and insight that we can immediately apply to strengthen our marriages. The guests we have invited to address us this year are especially qualified to help us accomplish these objectives. Husband-and-wife team, Jim Shores and Carol Anderson-Shores through their Acts of Renewal, will help us see ourselves and our marriages in fresh ways. Jeff Allen will have us laughing about the common relationship challenges that confront all couples. More information about each of these guests is included later in the magazine. The time you spend here tonight promises to be rewarding. So, we hope you and your spouse will relax and enjoy this experience with a room full of friends who are on the same journey. This gathering is unique in that it is designed to provide encouragement specifically to the husbands and wives of our community. By evening’s end, we are hopeful that each marriage will be enhanced because spouses have taken the time to invest in this way. When you leave, please be sure to take this magazine with you. We have included several helpful articles and resources, along with information regarding upcoming events — all designed to help you keep growing in your marriage relationship. You might even want to share the magazine with others in the days ahead. Let us remind you that the overall goal of Marriage, Inc. is to build a culture of marriage. There are two primary reasons for such a lofty goal. First, we want you personally to know and benefit from the blessing of a healthy marriage. Second, we believe that healthy marriages create strong communities where everyone has the opportunity to flourish — the married, the unmarried, children, the aged and all the institutions that serve them. We all win when a healthy culture of marriage prevails. Thanks for coming tonight. May God bless you, your marriage and the community you represent. Kent and Beth Olney Co-Directors Marriage, Inc. 2 | M A R R I AG E I N C . M AGA Z I N E

We are Kankakee County citizens of diverse racial, ethnic and denominational backgrounds who stand together to support healthy marriages in our community. We share the belief that marriage is a public good that benefits couples, children and communities. We exist to build a culture of marriage in Kankakee County and beyond, knowing that strong marriages create strong families and neighborhoods.

WHAT WE DO We deliver the following services. Preparation. Premarital mentoring and resources are provided. Education. Classes on the purpose, benefits and challenges of marriage are offered. Restoration. Counseling is available for distressed or fragile marriages. Proclamation. Presentations and written materials are developed to raise awareness. Celebration. Community date nights and other events are designed to honor marriage.

HOW YOU CAN REACH US By phone: 815-939-5385 By email: info@marriageinc.org Online: marriageinc.org

2014

A C E L E B R AT I O N O F M A R R I A G E JANUARY 24, 2014

Evening Schedule Date Night Ensemble Welcome Introduction of Presenters Acts of Renewal Jim Shores and Carol Anderson-Shores Acts of Renewal

15-minute Intermission

Introduction of Presenter Jeff Allen See next page

Closing

for speaker biographies and marriage resources.

Jeff Allen

Date Night Ensemble

›››

Dan Seaborn

Bill and Pam Farrel

Les and Leslie Parrott

Kevin Leman

2013

2012

2011

2010

2009

AT ING MA RR IAG E DATE NIG HT: A HIS TO RY OF CE LE BR

Michael and Amy Smalley

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2014

Speakers

A C E L E B R AT I O N O F M A R R I A G E

Acts of Renewal DR. JIM AND CAROL SHORES HAVE BEEN repeat performers with organizations like FamilyLife, Focus on the Family, AACC and more. Their performances have illustrated the talks of speakers like Gary Chapman, Gary Thomas and Dennis Rainey. The Shores’ presentations offer hilarious and insightful approaches to tackling the everyday challenges of marriage with their engaging, down-to-earth style that speaks to the heart. Jim has a Ph.D. in Communication from Regent University and is chair of the Communication Department at Montreat College. Carol has an M.F.A. in acting from UNC Chapel Hill and a

B.A. in biblical studies from Barrington College. Her one-woman show on the subject of eating disorders, “A Size 7 Forever,” has aired on PBS. When not presenting with Jim, she speaks and performs at women’s events across the country. They live in Black Mountain, N.C., with their two greatest productions — Zach and Zander, ages 17 and 15. Find more information about Jim and Carol at their website: www.actsofrenewal.com.

RESOURCES by Jim

Shores and Carol Anderson-Shores

I Laughed, I Cried, I Pulled a Muscle The latest compilation of several live performances addressing family relationship, communication and marriage issues. Very entertaining and true to life. ■ “Communicating with the Opposite Sex” — The title says it all. Very funny! ■ “Happy Thanksgiving!” — Family issues, divorce, surviving a dysfunctional family of origin ■ “The Good Part” — The story of Mary and Martha Dr. Jim and Carol Shores

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■ “Repeat Back to Me” — Marriage communication, written for a Gary Smalley conference ■ “Amoré” — Sex and intimacy in marriage ■ “Legacy” — The payoff of sticking with a marriage, created for Family Life “I Still Do” events

Jeff Allen

JEFF ALLEN COMBINES CLEAN, HILARIOUS HUMOR WITH INSPIRATION like no other comedian working today. He performs sidesplitting stand-up comedy and riveting testimony. As such, he is a favorite at church outreach events where church members can freely invite their unchurched friends, knowing that they’ll be sharing world-class entertainment. For three decades, Jeff Allen has been performing at churches, on television and radio, for fundraisers and at corporate functions all across the country. Jeff Allen is the best at what he does — making people laugh as hard as humanly possible. His Happy Wife, Happy Life® message of a marriage gone wrong and redeemed has given laughter and encouragement to millions of people. Jeff’s presentation drives home the humor in everyday family life and the joy derived from a healthy marriage. For more information about Jeff and his comedy, visit him online at www.jeffallencomedy.com.

Information about the

co-directors and music ensemble

›››

Jeff Allen

Never a Dull Moment —

RESOURCES

■ “Wedding Vows” — What you wish they’d said you were committing to in marriage

My Heart, My Comedy

A Fresh Look at the Journey of Marriage

■ “The Christmas Tree” — Newly married couple discovers their differences ■ “Interruptions” — The challenge of getting time together ■ “Familylife True Stories: Change” — A couple relates how cooking and marriage improved ■ “Familylife True Stories: From the Top Balcony” — A Minnesota view of icebreaking in a relationship ■ “Forgiveness” — The need for it in marriage ■ “The Nearness of You” — Dancing with 7,500 couples ■ “Virtual Counseling” — A couple is given the chance to step into each other’s shoes

by Jeff Allen

Loaded with laughs, Jeff Allen packs this performance full of hilarious new insights on family and marriage. Then for the first time, Jeff and his wife Tami share their story of God’s love and restoration in their lives. After years of rage, sadness and pain, Jeff and Tami decided to call it quits. Only 10 minutes away from filing for divorce, they both decided to give it one more chance. From comedy to testimony, prepare to laugh and be encouraged. M A R R I AG E I N C . M AGA Z I N E | 5

2014

A C E L E B R AT I O N O F M A R R I A G E

Co-Hosts & Musicians

KENT AND BETH OLNEY, married for 37 years, are co-directors of Marriage, Inc. After growing up in Michigan and Minnesota respectively, Kent and Beth met at the beginning of their sophomore year in college when they were assigned chapel seats next to one another. Prior to moving to the Kankakee community in 1995, they lived and worked together in Kentucky, Washington, D.C., and Oregon. In addition to their roles with Marriage, Inc., Kent is completing 19 years as a professor of sociology at Olivet Nazarene University. Beth is in her eighth year as the director of the University’s Center for Student Success. They have two sons and one daughter-inlaw and are the proud grandparents of one-year-old Autumn Marie.

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VINCENT AND ALISHA CLARK will celebrate their 27th wedding anniversary on Valentine’s Day. They met at Vincent’s family home in the early 1980s when Alisha became friends with one of his sisters. With roots deep in the Kankakee community, they have held a number of leadership roles in service organizations and businesses and have extensive experience and educational backgrounds in marriage, family, youth and ministry relations. Vincent is currently the senior pastor of Mount Olive Missionary Baptist Church in Bradley and directs a non-profit community action agency. Alisha works as associate director of Marriage, Inc. Together, they give leadership to One Heart Marriages, a ministry offering classes, workshops and marriagestrengthening resources. Vincent and Alisha have four children, ranging from college-age to elementary-school-age.

DATE NIGHT ENSEMBLE — Steve Betz, drums, has been the band director at Bradley Central Middle School since 2000. Mr. Betz is an active professional musician who performs with a number of local groups. Steve and his wife Julie live in Aroma Park, are members of Grace Baptist Church and serve as foster parents. Don Reddick, piano, has been the head of the Department of Music at Olivet since 1997. He directs the Jazz Band, as well as instructs courses in music theory, music technology and music education. Jerry Luzeniecki, saxophone, serves as band director for the Bourbonnais Upper Grade Center, as saxophone instructor for Olivet and plays saxophone with a number of other local bands. Jerry has been happily married to Cindy for 32 years. They reside in Bradley and have three grown children. Eric Penrod, bass, has taught band in the Kankakee schools for 30 years. Active on both the trumpet and bass, he plays at several local functions and with numerous local musical groups. He has been married to his wife Julie for 31 years, and they have four children.

Jacqueline Alford

Independent Associate 815-263-2094 jackiesvoice@aol.com rodneysalford.legalshieldassociate.com

Brenda K. Ervin

Independent Associate 815-685-0106 legalshield.com/hub/brendakervin

Connie Lee-Welsh

Independent Associate 815-549-0917 legalshield.com/hub/connieleewelsh

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C OM M U N I T Y SP O T L IG H T

Five Questions with

Christian chiropractor

Dr. John Grumish Partnering with Marriage, Inc.

Dr. John Grumish

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Q: Tell us a little about your work as

a chiropractor and your approach to chiropractic medicine.

A: Our clinic specializes in treating difficult and chronic cases such as headaches, spinal pain and numbness and in improving and restoring a person’s activity levels. We also provide nutritional, lifestyle and ergonomic/ workplace counseling. The staff we have is an answer to prayer. We want to be community-minded while knowing that we serve our Savior Jesus Christ. It’s not part of our job description, but our staff are service- and charity-minded.

Q: I understand you recently took a trip to Honduras. What prompted your trip? What did you do there? A: My interest in going to Honduras for a short term mission trip came out of my membership in the Christian Chiropractors Association (CCA). Their purpose is to share chiropractic and the eternal salvation found through Jesus Christ in the U.S. and internationally. For this trip, CCA teamed up with World Gospel Outreach (WGO), which provides for 50 weeks of medical, dental, optometric and chiropractic services to inner-city Hondurans. More than 8,000 people came to Christ during the 2012 ministry year. WGO also runs an orphanage in Honduras, called Rancho Ebenezer.

Q: Tell us a little about yourself and your family. A: Kankakee County has always been my home, except when I was attending the university and then chiropractic school. My wife Savannah and I have been married for 33 years. We have two grown children who have recently returned to pursue more schooling. In 1978, Savannah helped me open and develop our chiropractic practice. We are members of Calvary Bible Church in Bourbonnais.

Q: How did you start getting

involved with Marriage, Inc., and how do you stay involved now? A: Initially, we discovered Marriage, Inc. when my wife Savannah and I attended “Date Night” and invited our staff members and their spouses to join us. “Date Night” speakers use wisdom and humor based on biblical truths. It is easier to learn and improve when lighthearted laughter breaks down relationship barriers and strengthens marriage bonds. I have witnessed it help both newer and longtime marriages, including my own. We sell tickets to patients and have a fund to provide tickets for couples who can’t afford them. We keep extra copies of Marriage, Inc. magazines in our reception and treatment rooms, sometimes showing patients the list of recommended counselors.

Q: How does Marriage, Inc.’s mission

line up with yours as a chiropractor? A: The goal at Grumish Chiropractic is to improve people’s physical, mental and spiritual health so they can be better fathers, mothers, students and more productive in our community. Marriage, Inc. makes healthier and strong marriages by following God’s plan for couples. Our community is a better place because of Marriage, Inc. Thank you for your service! I encourage other employers and individuals to support Marriage, Inc.

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M A R K YO U R C A L E N DA R

ational Marriage Week takes place every year from February 7 through February 14. Starting in the UK in 1996, it spread through Europe and came to America in 2002. Today, churches and communities across the country come together to “strengthen individual marriages, reduce the divorce rate and build a stronger marriage culture” by holding special marriage events and classes. Use the following ideas to celebrate National Marriage Week, or visit nationalmarriageweekusa.org for more information.

FEB

Encourage One Another.

Gather with other married couples for dinner. Converse about the importance of marriage. Build up your spouse in front of others.

Invest in Young Marrieds.

Send an anonymous gift card to a couple married five years or less. Encourage them to keep working on their marriage and to stay committed for life.

Pass It On.

Invite unmarried young people to your home for desert or a game night. Share the benefits and joys of married life with them.

Read a Book. Take time with your spouse to read a book on marriage over the coming week. Here are a few suggestions. • Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich • The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman • His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley • Red Hot Monogamy by Bill and Pam Farrel

FEB

Give to a Marriage Organization.

FEB

Celebrate Longevity in Marriage.

FEB

Post to Facebook.

FEB

Date Your Mate.

Make a generous gift to a worthy marriage organization (e.g. Marriage, Inc., Focus on the Family, Family Life). Consider a gift of $10 for each year of marriage.

Identify a couple married 50+ years. Honor them by taking them flowers, a meal or another gift and thank them for their example of commitment to the community.

Post a picture of you and your spouse to the Marriage, Inc. Facebook page. Tell us what you love about being married to this great person.

Plan a Valentine’s event to remember! Whether it’s a dinner in Chicago or a quiet evening by the fire, fill the evening with things that communicate love to your spouse.

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Save the Date March 23 2014

Black Marriage Day began in 2003 in just 30 cities. Since then, it has grown to more than 300 communities across the nation.

Visit blackmarriageday.com for more information,

and keep an eye out for more updates on Marriage, Inc.’s involvement with Black Marriage Day 2014. M A R R I AG E I N C . M AGA Z I N E | 1 1

I N V E S T I N M A R R IAG E

Marriage ministry cultivates

healthy marriages

by Lamar and Ronnie Tyler Marriage speakers

everal years ago, we moved from the Washington, D.C., area to Atlanta, Ga. Among other things, this meant we had to find a new church home. And for the first time, we’d be doing so as a married couple. One of the many criteria for our new church home was that it had to have a strong marriage ministry. If you have not attended a marriage ministry event, then we encourage you to try one. If your church does not have a marriage ministry, find a church in your area and attend functions

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there. The key is to get involved in the spiritual growth of your marriage with other couples who desire to do the same. The truth is that a strong marriage ministry not only strengthens couples, but also strengthens the church and the community. Family is the foundation of our local cities and towns. We’ve seen that areas with stronger marriages have stronger communities. Since this is the case, we think local churches need to uphold and support the institution of marriage. And, members who are married need to participate.

Some people don’t understand why they should participate or what happens within marriage ministries. So, we want to share the top 10 reasons we engage in marriage ministry. REASON #1 To build a

stronger understanding of God’s plan for marriage Marriage ministry gives us an opportunity to study God’s Word, as it pertains to marriage, with other couples who are looking to do the same. We also learn from others who may have a deeper knowledge in this area and are willing to share. _____

REASON #2 To meet

REASON #3 To find

marriage mentors

Often in marriage ministry, you will find a pastor, an elder or an older couple you can connect with. The couples who are teaching or attending the marriage ministry event want to keep God at the center of their marriage, just like you do. They understand God’s plan for marriage, and they want the best for all marriages — including yours. _____

and connect with other like-minded couples in building stronger marriages

REASON #4 To be

While we love our family and friends, we sometimes find that they are not the best people to consult regarding our marriage. Marriage ministry gives us the opportunity to meet and fellowship with other couples who are actively working on their marriages as well. None of us is perfect, but we all have a story or message to share. Within the safety of the group, we can assist other couples in their growth. Marriage ministry is also the perfect place to find advocates for your marriage, those who want the best for your relationship. _____

When we leave a marriage ministry meeting, we remember that our marriage is bigger than the two of us. It is larger than who washed the dishes or how many times you are asked the same question. Sometimes your daily activities can wear on you and your relationship. So, marriage ministry gives you the perfect opportunity to return the focus to the core of your relationship and the importance of what you have — the two of you, your children, your faith and your community. _____

reminded of the purpose of marriage

REASON #5 To develop

skills through marriage education In addition to fun activities, such as social events, bowling, dinners, etc., marriage ministry often offers curriculumbased marriage education workshops, classes and retreats. These will help you develop the skills to work through your challenges. _____

REASON #6 To become

refocused and renewed If you want a successful marriage, you need to work on it constantly. You need to be intentional about what it takes to make your marriage work. We find that if we have gotten off track, we’re usually back on track when we leave a gathering. _____

REASON #7 To find

inspiration

We are truly inspired by all of the couples we meet through marriage ministry. Their stories, transparency and examples encourage us and give us hope that if other couples have made it, then we can, too. _____

REASON #8 To reflect

Marriage ministry encourages us to look at ourselves and think of all of the ways we can improve. Have I been selfish, mean, distracted? How can I improve and become more like the person God designed me to be? As we improve, so will our marriage. _____ REASON #9 To rejoice

We are rejoicing because marriage ministry reminds us that we truly do have a wonderful spouse and a great marriage. We thank God for that. _____ REASON #10 To reap the

benefits of a successful, happy marriage

As Dr. Tony Evans states in his book, Marriage Matters, “In order for a covenant to successfully function, carrying with it both the benefits and security that covenant supplies, it has to be set up according to God’s expectations and regulations.” We are keeping God in the center of our marriage, and we are reaping the benefits! _____ Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the co-creators of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com, the largest African-American marriage and parenting website. They are also public speakers who have produced four films to encourage couples and uplift marriage. As a happily married couple, they are the parents of four children and live in Atlanta, Ga.

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A WO R D O F T HA N K S

Thank you, KCMI Partner Pastors!

special thanks to all the Kankakee County Marriage Initiative (KCMI) Partner Pastors and Churches for providing the gift baskets given away at Date Night 2014! Each church stands behind the work of Marriage, Inc. and our shared goal of “building a culture of marriage in Kankakee County.” Together, we believe that healthy marriages create healthy churches and communities and each is doing our part to advance that goal!

If you are

BRADLEY

that believes

Adventure Christian Church Church Juan 3:16 Mt. Olive Missionary Baptist Church Unity Freewill Baptist

in strong marriages

BOURBONNAIS

looking for a church home

and families, consider attending one of the following churches:

Bethel Baptist Church Calvary Bible Church College Church of the Nazarene Cornerstone Church Love, Faith, and Deliverance Outreach Ministries People’s Church River Valley Christian Fellowship Total Restoration Christian Center CHICAGO

Chicago Central District Church of the Nazarene HERSCHER

Herscher United Methodist Trinity Lutheran JOLIET

Catholic Diocese of Joliet

KANKAKEE

Asbury United Methodist Church Eastridge Church of the Nazarene Faith Reformed Church First Assembly of God First Church of the Nazarene Grace Baptist Church Immanuel Baptist Church Limestone Community Church of the Nazarene Second Baptist Church Spirit and Truth Christian Church The Life Center Church The Salvation Army Westbrook Church of the Nazarene Wildwood Church of the Nazarene MANTENO

Christian Church of Manteno Manteno Church of the Nazarene MOMENCE

First Baptist

PEMBROKE

Bible Witness Church PEMBROKE TOWNSHIP

Victorious Life Christian Center REDDICK

Zoar Community Church ST. ANNE

Pembroke Fellowship Church Kankakee 1 4 | M A R R I AG E I N C . M AGA Z I N E

County

Marriage

Initiative

RETHINKING MARRIAGE K e n t R . O l n e y, P h . D.

WHAT IF marriage was less about what I can get

and more about what I can give?

WHAT IF marriage was less about being good-looking

and more about just plain being good?

WHAT IF marriage was less about changing the other

and more about changing me?

WHAT IF marriage was less about finding a perfect partner

and more about forming a productive team?

WHAT IF marriage was less about immediate gratification

and more about long-term growth?

WHAT IF marriage was less about reviewing past hurts

and more about viewing future hopes?

WHAT IF marriage was less about being magically compatible

and more about being mutually teachable?

WHAT IF marriage was less about the feeling of love

and more about the decision to love?1

WHAT IF marriage was less about making me happy

and more about making me holy?2

WHAT IF marriage was less about my desires

and more about Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s design?

WHAT IF marriage was understood in these terms?

Imagine how different our homes and communities would be. Borrowed from Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage, 2011.

Borrowed from Gary Thomas, The Sacred Marriage, 2000.

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I N V E S T I N M A R R IAG E

Improving Marital Health by Diana Bartling

Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

Want to live a longer, healthier, happier life? Get married and stay married! Google the words “marriage and health,” and you will find thousands of articles that show that marriage has numerous health benefits. However, to reap the health benefits from your marriage relationship, you have to be in a healthy marriage! Here is how you can get started.

Take care of yourself physically. ■ Caring for your mind and body is an important part of being in a healthy marriage. Couples who are tired and stressed may not have the energy to invest in their relationship. Exercising regularly, getting enough sleep and eating a healthy diet can help ward off irritability, moodiness and stress-related illnesses that keep us from being our best.

Encourage each other. ■ Your spouse is your best ally in keeping you healthy. When you live with someone, you have to be accountable for what you eat, how much you exercise and what you watch on television. Having a built in “nag” makes us keep doctor’s appointments and limit our intake of unhealthy foods. Being loved translates into us taking better care of ourselves. Support one another in the process.

Be kind and respectful. ■ My father used to say, “We always hurt the

Learn how to fight fairly. ■ Conflict is a reality in marriage, and it’s

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one we love, the one we shouldn’t hurt at all.” It is easy to get irritable with the person we spend the most time with because we feel like when we are home, we can just be ourselves. However, out of all the people in the world, you chose your spouse to “love, honor and cherish.” He or she should be the one person in the world you treat better than anyone else! not necessarily a sign of a troubled relationship. But, how you argue is important. You should be respectful of your partner’s feelings, even if you are angry. Your marriage is a partnership, not a competition, so when you argue, maintain an attitude of resolution. Take a time-out if you are frustrated and feel as if your anger is out of control.

Learn how to make up. ■ The real measure of a healthy marriage is not

whether or not there are fights, but how long it takes partners to make up. For some people, saying “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong” are difficult. Being right doesn’t always make you happy. Sometimes, we let our emotions get so out of control that we can find no common ground. Finding some small thing that you can concede on will go a long way toward letting your partner know that you love him or her.

Allow yourself to be influenced. ■ Don’t be afraid to change your mind. God brought two diverse individuals together in your relationship so you could grow and learn from each other. Happily married couples act as a team and consider the other person’s point of view in decisions. “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3–4

Look for the best in your partner. ■ I call it having a “fundamental positive belief”

about my spouse. There are two things I know for sure about my husband: 1) He is a good man and 2) He loves me. So if or when I get hurt by his words or actions, I have to filter his words and actions through my fundamental positive beliefs. In looking for the best, I sometimes realize that I misheard him, or he just misstated what he was trying to say. What are the things you know for sure about your spouse? If you do not have that positive belief about your spouse, it may be a sign that there are bigger problems that need to be addressed.

Ask “What did you have in mind for today?”. ■ I recently had a couple in counseling who were both looking forward to their day off. She was thinking, “Oh boy, it’s Saturday. I can get my nails done and take a nap!” He was thinking, “Oh boy, it’s Saturday, I can get the car detailed and watch the football game!” Both assumed that the other was going to care for the kids while they enjoyed their free time. They have since learned to ask the question, “What was your expectation for our day off?”. By talking about expectations, they have been able to reduce conflict.

Keep your relationship current. ■ I often encourage couples to sit down every

Laugh together. ■ Laughter is often called internal jogging. Endorphins and catecholamines released in running and laughing help to improve your mood and lower your stress level. When was the last time you laughed out loud with your partner?

week and ask two questions: 1) Is there one thing that I have done in the last week that really irritated you? and 2) Is there anything I can do in the next week that would show you how much I love you? Asking these questions on a weekly basis stops couples from storing up resentments and also gives them a window into what is important to their spouses.

Give your partner a hug. ■ Hugging your partner gets oxytocin flowing. Researchers usually speak of the hormone oxytocin — referred to as the “love drug” — in terms of childbirth and breastfeeding. It is the chemical that helps mothers bond with their babies. However, oxytocin also is released when partners hug, creating a special and lasting bond. Men and women who are satisfied in their marital relationships are happier, richer and less lonely than their single friends. A healthy marriage can help you fight disease, strengthen your immune system, and lower your stress levels. The benefits of a good marriage are numerous. Invest in your relationship and begin experiencing great returns. “It does a body good!” Spread the word.

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BOOK RESOURCES

Books for men and women by

Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn For Women Only,

For Men Only,

What is at the root of men’s need for respect? Why are men insecure? Why are men unromantic? Shaunti Feldhahn shares her insight into what these issues and more mean in practice, in her marriage and yours, in For Women Only. Shaunti was researching her second novel when she made several surprising discoveries about the way men think and feel. That research led Shaunti to interview and survey thousands of men, from her own husband to CEOs, a movie star, and a Super Bowl champion. Those interviews formed the basis for the eight lightbulb revelations found in For Women Only.

Women’s thoughts are less random than men may sometimes assume — and those assumptions can often be incomplete or even flat-out wrong. Like For Women Only, For Men Only uses surveys and interviews conducted with hundreds of women to flesh out seven of those basic assumptions and explain what they mean in practice. What does a woman’s need to feel loved look like? What contributes to a woman’s emotional state? Why are women so hard to figure out? These questions and more find practical, down-to-earth answers in For Men Only.

by Shaunti Feldhahn

by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn

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C L E R G Y SP O T L IG H T

Impact Award recipients

arriage, Inc. has many partners and co-laborers who work to lift high the marriage banner in our community and beyond. The Impact Award was established in 2012 as a way to honor and recognize those partners whose tireless efforts have yielded wide-ranging benefits on behalf of the institution of marriage. We honor the following recipients.

.............

2013

I M PAC T A WA R D WINNER

DERICK MILLER .............

Marriage, Inc. congratulates Pastor Derick Miller on receiving the 2013 Impact Award.

.............

2012

I M PAC T A WA R D WINNER

AARON CLARK .............

Marriage, Inc. congratulates Pastor Aaron Clark on receiving the 2012 Impact Award.

Pastor Derick Miller, of River Valley Christian Fellowship, was one of the pastors who gave

leadership to the Kankakee County Marriage Initiative (KCMI). He was one of the original signers of the KCMI. Pastor Miller’s commitment to strengthening marriage is evident in his church’s activities as well. Twenty percent of Marriage, Inc.’s mentor couples call River Valley Christian Fellowship their home church. In addition to an annual four-week sermon series on marriage and relationships, the church sponsors Sunday school classes on various marriage and relationship topics, including “Building a Successful Stepfamily.” Pastor Derick is married to Teresa Miller and they have three children.

As the pastor of Spirit and Truth Church in Kankakee, Pastor Aaron Clark was one of

the original signers of the Kankakee County Marriage Initiative (KCMI). His church enthusiastically supports the mission of Marriage, Inc. He has been trained as a marriage mentor and is actively serving as a mentor to couples in our community. Pastor Clark hosted a fourweek Marriage Matters series at his church. He is leading the charge to bring an after-school program, highlighting healthy relationships that lead to healthy marriages, to the youth of our county at Kankakee Senior High School. He also serves on staff with Youth for Christ in Kankakee. Aaron and Pam, along with their seven children, model a healthy marriage and family life.

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Marriage Matters

To Your Mental Health BY KENT OLNEY, PH.D., PROFESSOR OF SOCIOLOGY

Got the blues? Then it might be time to work on your marriage. At least that is the conclusion one might draw from a 2011 study of over 89,000 people across 18 countries.1 The study used data on depression gathered by the World Health Organization. One of the key findings was that a healthy marriage reduces the likelihood of depression. That is true not only in the United States but around the globe in places as diverse as Japan, Israel, France, China, the Ukraine, Brazil and elsewhere. American family researchers Bryce Christensen and Robert Patterson, commenting on the study, have suggested that “a wedding ring” might be “better than a Prozac tablet.” 2 Christensen and Patterson continue by noting that “married men and women enjoy a decided advantage in mental health.” Healthy marriages and mental health go together, both likely enhancing each other. Similar conclusions are reached by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite. In 2000, Waite and co-author Maggie Gallagher published The Case for Marriage, a book that presents numerous private and public benefits

Marriage not only alleviates loneliness, but also contributes to a sense of meaning, purpose, well-being and overall happiness.”

of marriage. Enhanced mental health is only one of several benefits tied to matrimony. Other advantages include better physical health, longer life, greater wealth and children who are more emotionally, behaviorally and academically successful. Commenting on general happiness in marriage, Waite and Gallagher pull together research findings from a wide variety of studies and conclude that “marriage appears to be an important pathway toward better emotional and mental health.”3 Marriage not only alleviates loneliness, but also contributes to a sense of meaning, purpose, well-being and overall happiness. The advantages of wedlock often get ignored by the media and a pop culture that prefer to emphasize the bliss of individualism and the swinging single lifestyle. There is only one problem with this latter characterization: It is an illusion, a misrepresentation of fact. The research shows that, on average, married people are less likely to be depressed and unhappy than their unmarried peers. These differences are worth noting. continued, next page >

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Marriage Matters To Your Mental Health, continued from previous page

Table 1. Rank order of U.S. Adults least likely to suffer depression, 2002-2003. Marital Status

Odds of Depression

Comparison to Marrieds

1. Married

1.0

2. Widowed

1.2

20% more likely to be depressed.

3. Divorced

1.7

70% more likely to be depressed.

4. Never Married

1.8

80% more likely to be depressed.

5. Separated

4.0

300% more likely to be depressed.

Source: Evelyn Bromet, et al., “Cross-National Epidemiology of DSM-IV Major Depressive Episode,” BMC Medicine 2011, 9:90.

Let us return to the 2011 international study of depression cited earlier and narrow the focus to individuals living in the United States. Table 1 indicates that married Americans are less likely to suffer episodes of depression than are their neighbors who are widowed, divorced, never married or separated. In fact, the divorced and never-married are nearly twice as likely to experience depression, while those who are separated are four times as likely. What does all this mean? Are all married people deliriously happy? Are all unmarried people wretched and miserable? Of course not. We all know those who are exceptions — the unhappy married person and the contented unmarried individual. Nonetheless, it would be irresponsible to dismiss significant social research that supports what our grandparents knew intuitively: Marriage does indeed matter. Too many of today’s celebrities, pundits and popular social networking

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sites try to convince the public that marriage is nothing more than one choice among several equivalent lifestyle choices. An individual is encouraged to pick from the plethora of options, all the while remaining optimistic about the chances for success. Social research does not conclude that all choices are equivalent. On average, the marriage bond contributes to happier and healthier people. Therefore, one of the best things you can do for yourself, your spouse and your community is to invest in your marriage. A strong marriage is linked to good mental health, and good mental health is advantageous to any community. So the next time you are feeling blue, you might want to devote some energy to your marriage. The results may pleasantly surprise you.

Evelyn Bromet et al., “Cross-National Epidemiology of DSM-IV Major Depressive Episode,” BMC Medicine 2011, 9:90. Bryce J. Christensen and Robert W. Patterson, “New Research,” The Family in America, Spring 2012, 26:1. Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially, NY: Doubleday, 2000, p. 67.

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M E N T O R I N G SP O T L IG H T

Premarital

preparation

pays off

Interview with newlyweds Chris and Kayla Cornish Can you tell us a little about your family? What’s your story? Chris: My wife Kayla and I are 2012 graduates of Olivet Nazarene University. Kayla majored in dietetics, while I majored in accounting. We were friends throughout college and started dating at the end of our junior year. We both individually felt a direct call for marriage to each other early on in our dating relationship. We knew the Lord wanted us together as a 32 2 8 || MARRIAGE M A R R I AG INC. E IN MAGAZINE C . M AGA Z I N E

married couple in order to do greater work for His kingdom than we could individually. I asked for Kayla’s hand in marriage at the end of our senior year, and waited a whole four months before we married in August 2012. Getting married is a huge step. What did you do to build into your relationship before you were married? Kayla: It was important to Christian and me that we invest in our marriage

before it started. So while we were still seriously dating, we were blessed to be part of the Mentor-a-Couple program through Marriage Inc., at Olivet. Our mentors, Tim and Mary Schweigert, helped us to learn more about each other and about the different challenges that marriage would bring. Not only did we see firsthand what a Christ-centered marriage looks like through Tim and Mary’s relationship, but we also are grateful to now have them as lifelong friends. Being part of Date Night also had a positive impact on our relationship as we spent quality time with other couples that believe in marriage.

What has been an unexpected challenge during the early months of your marriage?

… while we were still seriously dating, we were blessed to be part of the Mentor-a-Couple program through Marriage, Inc. …”

What is one thing you learned in premarital counseling that has shaped your marriage most? Chris: Kayla and I learned that the key to a joyful marriage is not seeking your own individual happiness. Rather, it’s about desiring to serve the needs of your spouse. We all have emotional, physical, relational and spiritual needs, and as both spouses focus on the needs of the other, they are living out true sacrificial love. This has been one of our greatest struggles in our young marriage, but is something that we are determined to work on every day.

Chris: It didn’t take Kayla and I long to learn that we didn’t see eye to eye when it came to managing our finances. Our first fight was a disagreement on whether or not to use a credit card to purchase a tank of gas. That conflict revealed to us that we needed to become one in how we handled our finances. By taking an in-depth personal finance course through our church, we learned how to handle our money with biblical wisdom and not by our own foolishness. Today, we are united in our financial decisions, which has helped us tremendously when we face important or difficult situations. What unexpected blessing did you experience in your first year of marriage?

Chris and Kayla Cornish

Kayla: In July 2013, we unexpectedly found out that God is blessing us with a baby! We look forward to having a family even sooner than we thought and are excited to raise our child in a home with two parents who are committed to serving, loving, and respecting each other. Our hope is that our children will recognize that true love that lasts comes from years of daily sacrifice and hard work.

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M A R R IAG E C O U N SE L O R S

Marriage, Inc. believes in

the benefits of

marriage counseling

when couples find themselves

professional counselor is able to hear both sides and objectively guide the couple toward a preferred outcome. On these two pages is a list of professional counselors from the Kankakee County area who have agreed to partner with Marriage, Inc. for referrals. Each counselor has his or her own fee scale. However, in some cases, mentioning Marriage, Inc. may provide the client with a discount. If finances are an issue, please call the Marriage, Inc. office to request assistance. Our staff will work with you to ensure you receive the help you need.

Contact Marriage, Inc. 815-939-5385 info@marriageinc.org

at a crossroads. PROFESSIONAL COUNSELORS FROM THE KANKAKEE COUNTY AREA Diana Bartling, MA, LCPC, NCC Diana is a licensed clinical professional counselor with a master’s in counseling from Governors State University. She has been helping couples and families find creative solutions to their problems since 1997. Diana is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors and is a nationally certified counselor. She is certified in stress managment, critical incident stress management and divorce mediation/conflict resolution. PHONE: 815-928-8573

Jorge Bonilla, LCPC Jorge Bonilla has learned a few things about marriage during his lifetime. As a marriage coach, his desire is to share what he has learned and bring couples from the brink of divorce to the center of fun. As he comes alongside couples who are looking for a better way — and a way to stay together for life — Jorge helps them focus on how to find fun and enjoyment with each other. WEBSITE: www.bonillacoaching.com PHONE: 815-351-1476

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Laura DeYoung, LCPC

Ben Kunz, MA

Responding to life’s many unique situations, stresses and challenges can be difficult, even overwhelming at times. Through helpful insight and awareness, Laura desires to assist others in gaining a renewed understanding of their current situation and, more importantly, develop strategies to effectively deal with current and future life circumstances. She places a high value on the worth of each individual and brings a sense of warmth and compassion to each counseling session. Laura is a licensed clinical professional counselor with over nine years of experience.

Mr. Kunz’s clinical interests include marriage and family relational problems, parent coaching, assistance with life transitions, low self-esteem, abuse recovery, addiction recovery, mood and anxiety disorders and integration of faith and psychology. Engaging and compassionate, Mr. Kunz utilizes a holistic, practical and collaborative approach that is strength-based and integrates many theoretical orientations. He challenges and encourages his clients toward healthy balance in the psychological, physical, social and spiritual realms.

PHONE: 815-768-6545

Jon Dodds, Ph.D., LCPC People from all walks of life utilize John for their counseling and coaching needs. John cares deeply toward all people. His patient, yet honest feedback, offers clients ample opportunity to experience personal growth. In recent years, Jon has added trauma work to his repertoire. He is a trained and certified EMDR therapist and is highly effective in working with people who have been traumatized. PHONE: 815-935-5053 EMAIL: jdodds7@aol.com

Lisa Dyson, LCPC Lisa J. Thompson-Dyson has been in gospel ministry all her life. Now, as an ordained minister, she is blessed to preach the gospel to congregations across the country. Pastor Lisa is a licensed clinical professional counselor and adjunct professor in the Masters of Professional Counseling program at Olivet Nazarene University (Bourbonnais, Ill.). She holds a Master of Professional Counseling degree (ONU), and is currently completing requirements for her Ph.D. in organizational psychology from Capella University. She is also founding director of Recovery House Clinics, Inc., a faith-based counseling outreach for persons needing professional counseling services and of Lisa Dyson Counseling, private practice. EMAIL: pastorlisadyson@gmail.com

PHONE: 815-214-9872 EMAIL: benk@legacyclinicalconsultants.com

Victoria Malloy, MA, LCPC As a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in counseling with a concentration in marriage and family counseling, Victoria provides a comprehensive counseling service utilizing a variety of counseling paradigms and techniques specifically chosen from your personal needs. She works with all genders, ages, and ethnicities within individual, couple, family and group settings. PHONE: 815-939-1900 EMAIL: victoriamalloyLCPC@aol.com

Yomi Nichols, MS, LCPC Yomi works with children, couples, people in transition, teens and more. Group and individual counseling services are available in the Matteson area, Bradley area and in Chicago. Yomi and her husband also do marriage seminars for local churches.

WEBSITE: www.ncrs.yolasite.com PHONE: 815-944-8844

Hank Zwirkoski,

NCC, LCPC, LMHC An acclaimed experienced board certified licensed clinician, Hank provides professional mental health counseling, marital assessment and therapy and life skills training with great care, compassion and competence. PHONE: 708-636-0888

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A Prayer for Marriage By Dr. Joel Damon Taylor Pastor, St. Paul Missionary Baptist Church and â&#x20AC;&#x192;â&#x20AC;&#x201A; Greater Mount Pleasant Missionary Baptist Church

Eternal, almighty, and omniscient God, we thank you for being the author and creator of life. Thank you for the gift of marriage, for arranging and modeling this beautiful covenant from the beginning of time. We exalt You for being the creator of this holy covenant between God, man and woman. We realize that as part of Your eternal plan, you ordained Adam and Eve as the first marriage in the Garden of Eden. Since that union, you have been consistent and faithful in blessing marriage with a plan and purpose. Although this union has been riddled with confusion in society, politics and secularism, we still hold firmly to Your design for marriage as the foundation of our families, our communities and our nation. It is our prayer that You would strengthen us to stand boldly in the midst of anything that seeks to alter Your holy intentions. Gracious Father, empower us to embrace a genuine love for our spouse that will stand the test of time. During challenging moments, we pray that our love for one another will grow each day until death do we part. Lord, strengthen husbands and wives with a selfless sacrifice of love for each other as Christ loved the church. Help fathers and mothers to raise their children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. Enable us to be Christ-like examples and role models, continuing a spiritual heritage for future generations. Lord, we are cognizant that there are outside forces which seek to put asunder what You have joined together. Nevertheless, we ask for Your continued hedge of protection to surround us â&#x20AC;&#x201D; to lead, guide and direct us. For couples that may be considering divorce, help them to find support and godly counsel to make it through their tough and trying circumstances. Lord, strengthen us all to be faithful in our commitment to one another. We ask all these things in the mighty, magnificent, marvelous name of Jesus.

Amen!

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One of the nation’s premier universities, Olivet Nazarene University offers more than 100 areas of study, 65 clubs, 24 musical ensembles, 20 intercollegiate sports, numerous service organizations, and countless opportunities for spiritual and intellectual growth. One University Avenue · Bourbonnais, Illinois 60914 · www.olivet.edu