MARRIAGE January 2013
ARTICLES
2013
> The School of Marriage > Marriage Matters > Q&A with Mentors
DateNight
INC
A publication of Marriage, Inc., dedicated to building a culture of marriage.
MAGAZINE
RESOURCES
> Find Local Counselors > Beyond Date Night > Date Your Mate Advice > Book Resources
A CELEBRATION OF MARRIAGE
Date Night 2013 Centennial Chapel Olivet Nazarene University Bourbonnais, Ill.
Marriage, Inc. Magazine
is published yearly by Marriage, Inc., in conjunction with the annual Date Night event Volume 2, Issue 1
Marriage, Inc. Staff Dr. Kent and Beth Olney Co-Directors
Greetings from Olivet! We are so pleased to welcome you to Olivet Nazarene University for the community’s annual Date Night. You are in for a real treat with special guests Michael and Amy Smalley. They have been on campus this week, talking to students about the importance of cultivating healthy relationships. Now it’s our turn to hear what they have to say about married relationships. We’re looking forward to it! Olivet is pleased to partner with Marriage, Inc., as together we seek to “build a culture of marriage” in Kankakee County. We stand with this organization in the belief that when marriages are strong and vibrant, the entire community benefits. Thank you for participating in this evening’s marriage-strengthening event. We hope you enjoy it! Sincerely, John & Jill President and Mrs. John Bowling Olivet Nazarene University
Alisha Clark
Associate Director: Cultural Liaison
Kathy Heck
Associate Director: Church & Community Liaison
Alyson Bundy
Marketing Coordinator Magazine Design:
Matthew Moore Jesse Dillman Contact Us Marriage, Inc. One University Avenue Bourbonnais, IL 60914 www.marriageinc.org info@marriageinc.org 815-939-5385
Sponsors Directory Prairie-Rock Foot and Ankle Clinic (p. 12) Black Marriage Week (p.13) College Church of the Nazarene (p. 17) Grace Baptist Church (p. 20) Love Christian Center (p. 21) Mount Olive Missionary Baptist Church (p. 23) Abstinence and Marriage Partnership (p. 31)
MARRIAGE
INC
CONTENTS
2013
MAGAZINE
DateNight 3 4 6 7
A CELEBRATION OF MARRIAGE
Evening Program Michael and Amy Smalley Co-Hosts Musicians
Marriage, Inc. Magazine 8 Beyond Date Night
> Marriage enrichment for those who did (or didn’t) attend Date Night
14 Counselors
> Where to find help if your marriage is hurting
18 The School of Marriage > What I wish my kids knew
21 Book Resources
> Nationally recognized authors offer practical marriage insight and advice
25 Date Your Mate
> 12 great ideas for your next date
27 Thank You
> To numerous local volunteers
28 Marriage Matters to Children > It’s NOT just about you
32 Q&A with Max and Carol Reams > Making the most of mentoring
34 Q&A with Andrew and Elisha Hamilton > Partnering with Marriage, Inc.
37 A Prayer for Marriage
> May the original dream live on
INTRODUCTION inc. Building a Culture of Marriage
We are Kankakee County citizens of diverse racial, ethnic and denominational backgrounds who stand together to support healthy marriages in our community. We share the belief that marriage is a public good that benefits couples, children and communities. We exist to build a culture of marriage in Kankakee County and beyond, knowing that strong marriages create strong families and neighborhoods.
Welcome to Date Night from Marriage, Inc.! Thank you for joining us for this special evening designed to celebrate and strengthen your marriage. We believe the investment you make tonight will benefit your marriage, your children and your community for years to come. Researchers from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia recently issued a report titled “The Date Night Opportunity.” The report suggests that the quality and stability of relationships are enhanced when couples take time to focus on one another through date nights. Your presence here tonight is an investment in your marriage.
We deliver the following services: Preparation. Premarital mentoring and resources are provided. Education. Classes on the purpose, benefits and challenges of marriage are offered. Restoration. Counseling is available for distressed or fragile marriages. Proclamation. Speakers and written materials are prepared to raise awareness. Celebration. Community date nights and other events are designed to honor marriage. Organizational highlights:
Speaking of research, numerous studies now reveal that children benefit when mom and dad have a strong marriage. On average, children who live with their married biological parents do better academically, economically, behaviorally and physically. The bottom line is this: strong marriages create secure children.
> April 2008: Marriage, Inc. established
Finally, wherever marriages flourish and children are valued, an entire community will prosper. Productivity, hospitality, safety and overall wellbeing result. New businesses are attracted to such a community, resulting in economic growth possibilities. Families and neighborhoods thrive. That is our desire for Kankakee County and beyond.
> October 2011: First full-time employee hired, Mrs. Alisha Clark
What all of this means, of course, is that tonight’s gathering is designed for more than just entertainment or enrichment. Our annual community Date Night is part of a wider movement that has the potential to elevate our county and improve our society for generations to come. Our children and the communities they inhabit will be healthier as a result. Kent and Beth Olney Co-Directors Marriage, Inc.
> January 2009: First community Date Night in Kankakee County > February 2010: Kankakee County Marriage Initiative (KCMI), with clergy signing document at the courthouse
> April 2012: Black Marriage Initiative launched > September 2012: New partnership with ONU’s Department of Behavioral Sciences > October 2012: Co-directors named, Dr. Kent and Beth Olney > October 2012: First Marriage Impact Award Recipient, Pastor Aaron Clark
2013
DateNight
A CELEBRATION OF MARRIAGE
JANUARY 25, 2013 Date Night Ensemble
Music featuring One Voice Welcome Introduction of Speakers Michael and Amy Smalley, Part I Informational Items Intermission Music featuring One Voice Marriage Matters to Kids Michael and Amy Smalley, Part II Closing Date Night Ensemble
Dan Seaborn
Bill and Pam Farrel
Les and Leslie Parrott
2012
2011
2010
2009
MARRIAGE DATE NIGHT: A HISTORY OF CELEBRATING
Kevin Leman
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2013
DateNight SPEAKERS
A CELEBRATION OF MARRIAGE
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Resources
by Michael and Amy Smalley
The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage: How the Power of One Changes Everything (2010) People assume it takes two to make a marriage better. They are wrong.
Michael and Amy Smalley
The most significant act of love we can do for our spouse is the single act of personal responsibility or the power of one. An individual in a marriage relationship cannot reach satisfaction in his marriage if he doesn’t first look at himself and see where he needs to change first.
Their love story began while they were undergraduates at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. After graduation, they went on to earn master’s degrees in clinical psychology from Wheaton College in Chicago, Illinois.
Personal responsibility is the fuel that drives the actions of a healthy marriage. Usually, each spouse blames the other for problems; this attitude will only lead to a path of unfulfilled expectations and heartache. Marriages can be transformed, literally overnight, when each spouse learns the power of one and starts accepting personal responsibility for his or her life and by learning how to love others to the fullest.
specialize in teaching couples the principles of loving well and loving for a lifetime. Their popularity as nationally renowned marriage builders and couples’ consultants quickly grew through their signature straightforward, no-nonsense advice. The Smalleys’ message inspires, motivates and challenges people to thrive in their most important relationships.
Michael and Amy currently serve as the founders of the Smalley Center with locations in Dallas and Houston, Texas. The center provides pre-marital intensives, marriage restoration intensives, and live marriage and parenting events. The Smalleys have enjoyed 16 years of marriage and make their home near Houston, Texas. They have three children, Cole, Reagan and David.
Smalley Intensives A one-day, two-day, or three-day Smalley Intensive is designed for one couple and one licensed counselor or highly trained marriage consultant. These are scheduled at your convenience and are available upon request. Our Marriage Intensive is unique because it focuses on building practical relational skills that provide a framework for you to improve your ability to communicate and resolve conflict. We help you create the environment for understanding and win-win solutions, leading to greater intimacy and connection. Find out more information about the Smalley Intensives at our website: www.smalley.cc
2013
DateNight CO-HOSTS
A CELEBRATION OF MARRIAGE
Dr. Kent and Beth Olney
, married for 36 years, are co-directors of Marriage, Inc. After growing up in Michigan and Minnesota, respectively, Kent and Beth met at the beginning of their sophomore years in college when they were assigned chapel seats next to one another. Prior to moving to the Kankakee community in 1995, they lived and worked together in Kentucky, Washington, D.C., and Oregon. In addition to their roles with Marriage, Inc., Kent is completing 18 years as professor of sociology at Olivet Nazarene University. Beth is in her sixth year as the director of the university’s Center for Student Success. They have two sons, a daughter-in-law and one granddaughter.
Vincent and Alisha Clark
will celebrate their 26th wedding anniversary on Valentine’s Day. They met at Vincent’s family home in the early 1980s when Alisha became friends with one of his sisters. With roots deep in the Kankakee community, they have held a number of leadership roles in service organizations and businesses, and have extensive experience and educational backgrounds in marriage, family, youth and ministry relations. Vincent is currently the senior pastor of Mount Olive Missionary Baptist Church in Bradley, and directs a non-profit community action agency. Alisha works as associate director of Marriage, Inc. Together they give leadership to One Heart Marriages, a ministry offering classes, workshops and marriage-strengthening resources. Vincent and Alisha have four children, ranging from collegeage to elementary-school-age.
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MUSICIANS Date Night Ensemble
Steve Betz, drums, has been the band director at Bradley Central Middle School since 2000. Mr. Betz is an active professional musician who performs with a number of local groups. Steve and his wife, Julie, live in Aroma Park and are members of Grace Baptist Church. Spencer Keyes, piano, has been playing music since he was old enough to climb on the piano bench. He has played professionally primarily as a freelance keyboardist since high school and performs both locally and in Chicago with a variety of musical groups. Jerry Luzenieki, saxophone, serves as band director for the Bourbonnais Upper Grade Center, saxophone instructor for ONU, and plays saxophone with a number of other local bands. Jerry has been married to Cindy for 31 years. They reside in Bradley and have three grown children. Eric Penrod, bass, has taught band in the Kankakee schools for 29 years. Active on both the trumpet and bass, he plays at several local functions and with numerous local musical groups. He and his wife, Julie, have been married for 30 years and have four children.
(L to R) Steve, Eric, Jerry, Spencer
One Voice
Jasper Taylor, Allison Wiseman, Jacquelyn Owens, Luke Olney, Jennifer Matthews, Blake Reddick Based out of the Chicagoland area, these individuals have traveled and sung together in various groups representing Olivet Nazarene University over the past several years. Now young working professionals, in the fall of 2012 they teamed up once again to form One Voice. With their gospel-infused harmonies and broad repertoire, this diverse vocal group has a distinctive style that appeals to a wide variety of audiences.
(L to R) Jasper, Jacquelyn, Blake, Allison, Luke, Jennifer
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BEYOND Several local opportunities are available to continue investing in your marriage after January’s community Date Night. These smaller gatherings are designed for discussion around a variety of marriage topics. Led by community pastors and leaders, these are times for safe and open interaction with others who are committed to strengthening their marriages. We encourage you to consider participating in one of these groups. For further information, call 815-939-5385.
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Let’s Talk About Love
His Needs, Her Needs Pastors Alan and Terry Roundtree
Pastors Greg and Marcy Chambers
Pastor Kenneth and Lady Marlene Carr
Content for this class has been developed by the class facilitators. For more information, or to inquire about attending, please contact, 815-932-9413.
Tuesdays, 7 p.m. · April 9–30
Sundays, 10 a.m. Feb. 10–March 3 Bible Witness Camp 16089 E. 2500 S. Road, Pembroke Township
Sundays, 9:30 a.m. · May 5–26 Shiloh Full Gospel Church 945 S. Dearborn, Kankakee
Eastridge Church of the Nazarene & Total Restoration Christian Center 2679 E. Court St., Kankakee
Marriage Matters
In the classic bestseller His Needs, Her Needs, Willard F. Harley, Jr., identifies the ten most vital needs of men and women, and shows husbands and wives how to satisfy those needs in their spouses. He provides guidance for loving more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to extramarital affairs.
In Marriage Matters, Janice Shaw Crouse argues that marriage is a critical element in a free society and that society’s most vulnerable communities, especially minorities and the poor, suffer the most from the nation’s retreat from marriage. Crouse writes that marriage advances the public interest, and we should create laws and policies that support rather than undermine it. She demonstrates both the public and private importance of marriage.
Pastor David McMillan
Killing the Cankerworm of Marriage Pastor Aaron and Lady Pamela Clark
Many marriage relationships weaken little by little, over time – as if eaten away by a cankerworm – until they are nearly destroyed. It need not happen. Learn from the personal experiences and practical insights of a couple who almost lost their marriage, but who survived with the help and grace of God. Let the collective wisdom of others help you in your marriage.
Sundays, 5 p.m. ∙ March 3–24 Spirit & Truth Christian Center 1820 E. Court St., Kankakee MARRIAGE INC. MAGAZINE | 00
Financial Peace University
Pastor Andrew and Elisha Hamilton
Dave Ramsey knows what it’s like to have it all. By age 26, he had established a four-million-dollar real estate portfolio, only to lose it by age 30. He has since rebuilt his financial life and has helped hundreds of thousands of people understand the forces behind their financial distress and how to set things right — financially, emotionally and spiritually. Financial Peace is the road map to personal control, financial security, a new, vital family dynamic and lifetime peace.
Lifelong Love Affair
Pastor Jonath and Lady Evelyn Harris God created marriage to be the most fulfilling and sacred of all human covenants. It was designed to be passionate and rewarding and was meant to last a lifetime. Lifelong Love Affair shows couples how to embrace God’s dream for their marriage. The materials used will become a resource they will turn to again and again for inspiration and strength.
Mondays, 6 p.m. · Feb. 4–April 3
Mondays, 7:30 p.m. Feb. 4–March 4
Adventure Christian Church 235 N. Kinzie Ave., Bradley
Love, Faith & Deliverance Outreach 3115 N. 1000W Rd., Bourbonnais
Pastors Bill and Joan Dean
The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage
Written by the featured speakers of Date Night 2013, this book highlights “the power of one” in our marriages. We cannot reach satisfaction in our marriage relationships if we don’t first look at ourselves and see where we need to change. Personal responsibility is the fuel that drives the actions of a healthy marriage.
Let’s Stay Together
Pastors Bruce and Charlesetta Sykes Content for this class has been developed by the class facilitators. For more information, or to inquire about attending, please contact, 815-936-1310.
Time and dates to be determined
Tuesdays, 7 p.m. · April 2–30
Zoar Community Church, 18172 W. Rt 17., Reddick
Love Cathedral Christian Center 725 Larry Power Road, Bourbonnais
Sundays, 9:15 a.m. · Jan. 6–March 3 One Heart Marriages / Morning Star Baptist Church 570 N. Harrison Ave., Kankakee
The Art of Marriage Mondays, 6 p.m. · July 15–Aug. 26 One Heart Marriages/ Mount Olive M.B. Church 650 Fairview, Bradley
Building Teamwork in Your Marriage
Making the Most of Marriage: Make the marriages in your church everything they can be with Dr. Kevin Leman’s proven relationship techniques. This popular seminar (now used in more than 10,000 churches and organizations!) features practical and proven truths couched in Dr. Leman’s customary humor. The Art of Marriage: Getting to the Heart of God’s Design is a small-group Bible study for adults that helps participants blend their personalities and their life’s circumstances to create a divinely-inspired, work-of-art marriage. Every marriage is unique, expressed by the colorful personalities of each spouse and textured by the circumstances at play in their lives. Blending these differences can make marriage challenging. Get ready to make a masterpiece of your marriage through this video-driven study. Building Teamwork in Your Marriage: Make your marriage more fun, healthy and fascinating by understanding that the differences between you and your spouse are gifts from God. This six-week small group study teaches biblical roles in marriage and lets you see your partner as a teammate, not an opponent. These sessions are wonderful studies for engaged couples, newlyweds and those married for years.
Pastor Vincent and Lady Alisha Clark
Mondays, 6 p.m. · Oct. 7–Nov. 18 One Heart Marriages/ Mount Olive M.B. Church 650 Fairview, Bradley
Managing Pressure in Your Marriage In today’s fast-paced society, people are so busy. If you aren’t careful, stress and time pressure can put a strain on your marriage. This study is packed with “right-where-you-live” insights and practical help to diffuse stress. Don’t let life blow you away. Let Managing Pressure in Your Marriage help you rise above the turbulence. These 60-minute sessions with leader’s notes in the back are for engaged couples, newlyweds and those married for years.
David and Donna Wine Sundays, 9:15 a.m. Jan. 27–March 10 College Church of the Nazarene at Riverside Health & Fitness Center 100 Fitness Ave., Bourbonnais
Matt and Sarah DeYoung Sundays, 9 a.m. · Feb. 24–March 31 Kankakee First Church of the Nazarene 1000 North Entrance Ave., Kankakee MARRIAGE INC. MAGAZINE | 11
JOIN US FOR NATIONAL MARRIAGE WEEK 2013 at Northfield Square Mall, Bourbonnais, Ill. (in the south court location, near JC Penneys)
National Marriage Week is designed to highlight the benefits of marriage and provide resources to strengthen marriage. Marriage, Inc. will have a display at the Northfield Square Mall from February 7 to 14. Stop by and show your support. Join us as we celebrate marriage!
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COUNSELORS Marriage, Inc. believes in the benefits of marriage counseling when couples find themselves at a crossroads. A professional counselor is able to hear both sides and objectively guide the couple toward a preferred outcome. On the next two pages is a list of professional counselors from the Kankakee County area who have agreed to partner with Marriage, Inc. for referrals. Each counselor has his or her own fee scale. However, in some cases, mentioning Marriage, Inc. may provide the client with a discount. If finances are an issue, please call the Marriage, Inc. office to request assistance. Our staff is dedicated to making these services available.
Contact Marriage, Inc. 815-939-5385 info@marriageinc.org
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b Diana Bartling, M.A., LCPC
Diana is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with a Masters in Counseling degree from Governors State University. She has more than 13 years of experience in helping families find creative solutions to their problems. Diana is a member of the American Counseling Association and the American Association of Christian Counselors. She is certified in Stress Management, Critical Incident Stress Management and Divorce Mediation/ Conflict Resolution. Phone: 815-928-8573
b
c Jorge Bonilla, M.A., LCPC C
D
E
Jorge Bonilla has learned a few things about marriage during his lifetime. As a marriage coach, his desire is to share what he has learned and bring couples from the brink of divorce to a renewed and healthy relationship. As he comes alongside couples who are looking for a better way – and a way to stay together for life – Jorge helps them focus on how to find fun and enjoyment with each other. Phone: 815-351-1476
d Laura DeYoung, M.A., LCPC
Emphasizing helpful insights and awareness, Laura desires to assist others in gaining a renewed understanding of their current situation and developing strategies to effectively deal with life circumstances. She places a high value on the worth of each individual and brings a sense of warmth and compassion to each counseling session. Laura is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with more than nine years of experience. Phone: 815-768-6545, office hours: Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, 10 a.m. - 8 p.m.
e Jon Dodds, Ph.D., LCPC
People of all walks of life utilize John for their counseling and coaching needs. Jon cares deeply toward all people. His patient, yet honest feedback offers clients ample opportunity to experience personal growth. In recent years, Jon has added trauma work to his repertoire. He is a trained and certified EMDR therapist and is highly effective in working with people who have been traumatized. Phone: 815-935-5053
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F Lisa Dyson, M.A., LCPC
F
Lisa J. Thompson-Dyson has been in Gospel ministry all her life. An ordained minister, Pastor Lisa is also a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, and adjunct professor in the Master of Professional Counseling degree program at Olivet Nazarene University. She holds a Master of Professional Counseling degree (ONU), and is currently completing requirements for her Ph.D. in Organizational Psychology from Capella University. She is founding director of Recovery House Clinics, Inc., a faith-based counseling outreach for persons needing professional counseling services, and Lisa Dyson Counseling, private practice. Phone: 815-549-5679
G Elisha Hamilton, M.A., LPC
G
Elisha is the director of counseling ministries at Illini Christian Ministries, Inc. Individual and family counseling is available as well as premarital counseling. Contact Elisha at ehamilton@theadventurechurch.com. Phone: 815-6905587 or at Illini Christian Ministries, 217-469-7566
H
I
H Victoria Malloy, M.A., LCPC
As a Licensed Professional Counselor with a master’s degree in counseling with a concentration in marriage and family counseling, Victoria provides a comprehensive counseling service utilizing a variety of counseling paradigms and techniques specifically chosen for your personal needs. She works with all genders, ages and ethnicities within an individual, couple, family or group setting. Phone: 815-933-0667
I Yomi Nichols M.S., LCPC
Yomi works with children, couples, people in transition, teens and more. Group and individual counseling services are available in Matteson, Bradley and Chicago. Yomi and her husband also do marriage seminars for local churches. Contact Yomi at www.ncrs.yolasite.com or 815-944-8844.
J
J Hank Zwirkoski, M.A., NCC, LCPC, LMHC
An acclaimed, experienced, Board Certified Licensed Clinician, Hank provides professional mental health counseling, marital assessment and therapy, and life skills training with great care, compassion and competence. Phone: 708-636-0888
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Diana Bartling, M.A. Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
As a marriage counselor, I am often asked if I intentionally modeled a healthy marriage to my children. Unfortunately, the answer is no. Most of what I have learned about marriage was learned the hard way, through the mistakes I made in the 39 years since I said “I do.” At age 19, I really didn’t have a clue what it meant to be married. I am sure that in some ways, my children have determined how to act in their marriages by doing the opposite of what they saw in our home. I have not asked my kids what they learned in the Bartling School of Marriage (no doubt that could be a whole series of articles), but I am certain we did a few things right. Just staying married for 39 years is an accomplishment. So, given what I know now, here is what I would have liked to have taught my children.
Lead by example. Make sure you are modeling a healthy relationship. Healthy doesn’t mean perfect. Even the best of marriages have struggles, so don’t always try to hide your problems from your children. If children never observe their parents having an occasional disagreement, they are robbed of the opportunity to observe a healthy 18 | MARRIAGE INC. MAGAZINE
couple working together to find a positive solution. Model before them heart felt apologies and genuine forgiveness. Teach them how to make up after a fight. How else will they learn that couples CAN work through conflict?
Teach your sons how to honor the women in their lives. Dad, you are your son’s first example of how to treat women. Model respectful speech, and insist that your son treats your wife with kindness. Show him that real men open doors for women, walk closest to the street, and let women go first. Expect that he be helpful, courteous and thoughtful. It may seem old-fashioned, but if you want your son to have a happy marriage in the future, he needs to see you cherish his mom.
Train your daughters in the proper way to treat men. Mom, you are your daughter’s first and best
example of how to treat men. Television commercials often portray men as stupid and childish. Girls need to see their mothers treating dad with respect. If in a moment of weakness you are caught being unfairly critical of your husband in front of the children, make sure you apologize publicly as well. On the other hand, realize that your daughter is learning from you how a woman should be treated by the men in her life. She is noticing what you tolerate and what you consider to be unacceptable. She will grow up believing that if it was good enough for mom, then why would it not be right for her?
Be part of a community of healthy families. It is
said that we are the sum total of the five people we interact with the most. The same can be said for the types of families that we spend time with. If our children only see broken marriages around them, or only see couples who don’t get along, they will think that unhealthy marriages are normal. However, when you surround yourself with people who are not only happily married, but who will challenge you to love your spouse with character and integrity, your children are sure to benefit.
Teach your children what to look for in a life partner. Encourage them to make a list of their non-negotiable traits in a spouse before they fall in love. Ask them if they are willing to have you or someone else ask them hard questions before they get engaged or married. There are many examples in real life and in the media of people who are “unequally yoked” that you can discuss with your kids to help them choose their partner wisely.
Show affection. It is your job as parents to model a healthy, loving relationship to your children. That includes appropriate affection. They may claim to be grossed out by it, but they feel safer when they believe that mom and dad love each other. Children have an innate ability to read the temperature of their parents’ marriage with amazing accuracy. Sitting next to each other on the couch, greeting your spouse with a kiss, and holding hands as you walk communicate to your children that you do still care about each other. Pray for your children. As parents, we worry about
our kids. We wonder if they are eating enough or too much. We worry if they are measuring up to the growth charts at the doctor’s office. We worry if they are on schedule academically. We want them to grow up and get married and have healthy relationships. However, we often neglect to really pray for our kids until they are in trouble. How often we hear people whose kids are in trouble say, “the only thing we can do is pray.” In reality, the BEST thing we can do is pray. And it should be the first thing we do! Never forget that God loves your kids even more than you do. Future patterns for marriage are being learned in our homes today. Married couples with children have daily opportunities to model and teach the next generation about healthy relationships. What is being taught in your school of marriage?
Instruct them in how to choose well. Every week I have married people in counseling who admit that they overlooked important red flags before they got married because they were “in love.” Choosing a future spouse should not be based on feelings alone. The feeling of “falling in love” sometimes blinds us to the truth. MARRIAGE INC. MAGAZINE | 19
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BOOK RESOURCE Understanding the Social Importance of Marriage “Many studies show that a household structure not anchored by one’s own biological parents constitutes a significant risk to the future of a child.” (p. 150) “We have to move marriage to the top of our national policy and political priorities.” (p. 152) Taken from Janice Shaw Crouse’s 2012 book Marriage Matters, available for purchase in the lobby.
Janice Shaw Crouse, Ph.D., Senior Fellow at the Beverly LaHaye Institute, the think tank for Concerned Women for America, is a recognized authority on domestic issues and women’s concerns. She was appointed by the President to represent the U.S. at the 2003 United Nations Commission on the Status of Women. The Heritage Foundation nominated her for the 2003 Bradley Prize for her influence on contemporary issues. During the first Bush Administration, Janice Shaw Crouse was a presidential speech writer, authoring major presidential policy addresses as well as drafting and editing the Presidential White Paper on Welfare Reform.
BOOK RESOURCE Understanding God’s Design for Marriage
Author Timothy Keller, in The Meaning of Marriage (2011), notes several common problems in marriage. The Problem of Compatibility “No two people are compatible ...Over the years you will go through seasons in which you have to learn to love a person who you didn’t marry, who is something of a stranger.” (pp. 37–39) The Problem of Self-Centeredness “Self-centeredness is a havoc-wreaking problem in many marriages, and it is the ever-present enemy of every marriage. It is the cancer in the center of a marriage when it begins, and it has to be dealt with.” (pp. 56–57) The Problem of Feelings “It is a mistake to think that you must feel love to give it. If, for example, I have a child, and I give up my day off to take him to a ballgame to his great joy, at a time when I don’t particularly like him, I am in some ways being more loving to him than if my heart were filled with affection.” (p. 99) The Problem of Sex “The Bible does not counsel sexual abstinence before marriage because it has such a low view of sex but because it has such a lofty one ...sex makes you feel personally interwoven and joined to another human being ...” (p. 226) Copies of Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage are available for purchase in the lobby.
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Timothy Keller is an American Christian apologist, author, speaker and the founding pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City. He is the author of several books, including The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism, which garnered awards from World Magazine and Christianity Today and was No. 7 on the New York Times Best Seller list for non-fiction in March, 2008. Keller was ordained by the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA) and served as a pastor in Virginia for nine years, while serving as director of church planting for the PCA. He also serves as an adjunct professor on the faculty of Westminster Theological Seminary, in Philadelphia, Penn.
MARK YOUR CALENDAR! Date Night 2014 with
January 2 4
Shores and Anderson and
comedian Jeff Allen
www.celebrationofmarriage.org 24 | MARRIAGE INC. MAGAZINE
inc.
THANK YOU
To all the individuals who make Date Night a success, your time and service are greatly appreciated.
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Most people know that dating their spouse is a good thing ... But just how good is it? Research has shown that couples who devote time to each other at least once a week are more likely to have a higher quality relationship and a lower chance of divorce. Unfortunately, many married couples have put dating on the back burner. Dating does not have to be elaborate or cost a lot of money. Here are a few ideas to get you and your spouse dating each other once again. Of course, there is no need to limit yourselves to this list. Be creative and come up with your own date night ideas.
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DATE YOUR MATE
12 GREAT DATE NIGHT IDEAS: B
Take on a project together. Make sure it is a project that will allow time to talk and share with each other and won’t cause frustration.
Take a cooking or art class together. Go bowling.The winner gets to buy ice cream afterwards. Have a movie theme night. Pick a movie and make a dinner that goes with it. For example, watch an Italian movie and make pasta.
C D E F G H I J 1)
1! 1@
Start off a full day of errands right by first going out to breakfast together. Go thrift store shopping. Give each other $10 and see who can find the most unique item. Take a historic tour of your city or a city nearby. Order a pizza and play board games. Locate a nearby state park and plan a hike there. You may want to repeat this during each changing season. Go out to coffee and set aside time for Q&A. This is a great opportunity to catch up on what is going on in each other’s lives. Volunteer together for a community organization. Attend a play or musical at your local high school or college.
What you decide to do on your dates doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you and your spouse make dating a priority. Take time to plan a few dates in advance and mark them on your calendar. If necessary, book a babysitter now.
For more information on the benefits of date nights, see the National Marriage Project’s The Date Night Opportunity, by Brad Wilcox and Jeff Dew. You can access it at: nationalmarriageproject.org/resources/the-date-night-opportunity
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MARRIAGE MATTERS to children Kent Olney, Ph.D. Professor of Sociology, Olivet Nazarene University
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“Your kids are counting on you to stay married.” Those words were repeatedly emphasized by Kevin Leman at last year’s date night gathering. A mountain of research supports Leman’s observation. Every child needs a married mother and father. Nonetheless, numerous voices from our culture try to persuade us that children are adaptable and capable of doing well in a variety of family structures. These voices, though often loud and adamant, express wishful thinking rather than reliable facts. The gold standard for raising children is marriage. Children raised by their married biological parents, on average, do better on a host of measures than those raised in any other type of parenting arrangement. Twenty years ago, Rutgers sociologist David Popenoe published an article in The New York Times, titled “The Controversial Truth” (Dec. 26, 1992, p. A-21). In his article, Popenoe summarized the issue of children needing both of their biological parents this way: “I know of few other bodies of data in which the weight of evidence is so decisively on one side of the issue: on the whole, for children, two-parent families are preferable ... If our prevailing views on family structure hinged solely on scholarly evidence, the current debate never would have arisen in the first place.” What is the best way to ensure that children get a two-parent family? The word is marriage—the institution designed to unite dad to mom, and both to their children. Evidence of the social value of marriage continues to multiply.
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Children thrive when they are raised by their married biological parents. In fact, children in marriedbiological-parent homes outperform their peers who are raised without the benefit of a married mom and dad in several significant ways. Consider the following:
> Academics. Children who are raised by their
married parents are less likely to drop out of school, more likely to achieve academic success in school, more likely to graduate from college, and more likely to attain a high-status job than are those raised in any other family arrangement. Marriage is a key factor in a child’s educational career, with both short-term and long-term consequences.
> Economics. In 2010, the U.S. Census Bureau reported that married-couple families earned nearly twice as much income as single-parent families. Furthermore, single-mother families are five to six times more likely to be in poverty than married-couple families. Children have a distinct economic advantage when mom and dad are married. > Behavior. Boys who grow up in a married-
couple home are less likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behavior than are those raised by a single or divorced parent. Girls who grow up in a home with their married biological father are less likely to be sexually active as teens than are their peers who have no father at home. Marriage is a strong predictor of how children will behave.
> Safety. Child abuse is rare in a home with one’s married biological parents. The Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) published its “Fourth National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect (NIS-4)” in 2010. The study showed that for all types of child abuse, rates were higher when a child lived in a non-married home. The risk of child abuse was over 11 times greater when the child’s parent had a cohabiting partner (Figure 1). The difference between living with one’s married parents and living with a parent who cohabits was even more striking when specifically considering childhood sexual abuse. The odds of childhood sexual abuse were 20 times greater when a parent was cohabiting than when both biological parents were married (Figure 2).
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These indicators combine to suggest that marriage is critical to children and their future. Family structure is shaping the next generation in profound and permanent ways. Our children deserve the best environment we can provide, a home where mom and dad are married. Popenoe concluded his 1992 New York Times article on how children benefit when their parents are married this way: “Want further confirmation? Ask any child which kind of family he or she prefers.” Marriage really does matter to children. They are counting on us to get it right.
Protect your children. Get married. Stay married.
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Q&A
MAX AND CAROL REAMS Making the most of mentoring
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Q: How long have you been married? Q: Q: Q:
Q:
Q:
Q:
Q: Q:
A: 51 years and we’re just getting started!
What’s the best part of being married? A: Living life with someone who is a wonderful, supportive companion, with mutually shared dreams, goals, faith and lifestyle. What’s the most challenging part? A: Always being sensitive to the other person’s needs. I understand that you have done a lot of marriage mentoring. What are the main reasons couples come to see you for mentoring? A: They want someone who can provide the following: openness, confidentiality, honesty, straightforward discussion, sensitivity and the freedom to discuss any topic without feeling judged. What’s the main benefit of mentoring to the couple? A: The couple discovers new things about each other and their relationship that they might not have learned without a safe environment to talk openly. By encouraging the couple to be frank about their uncertainties and worries, lots of concerns can come out. We speak about developing a “tool kit” that they can use when problems or concerns arise. Every couple needs to develop their own tool kit. There is no magic combination of “tools” that fit all couples. How long do you typically meet with couples? A: Sometimes the first session may take up to an hour and a half. But an hour per session is usually enough to wear everyone out! Four or five sessions are an absolute minimum. More often than not, we work with couples for six to eight sessions. A few couples take longer. It depends on the couple. Is there a cost for marriage mentoring services? A: We volunteer our services through College Church and Olivet Nazarene University. The only charge is for taking the “Prepare-Enrich Inventory.” We rarely work with a couple who has not taken the inventory. It saves a ton of time in providing background and knowing where to focus the limited time we have available with a couple. How has mentoring benefited your own marriage? A: It keeps us on our toes. Topics are always brought up in sessions that require personal thought and consideration. It is important to walk the talk and do so in humility. What advice would you give to a couple about becoming a marriage mentor? A: Take the training seriously. Learn to be cordial and non-judgmental. Moralizing and dictating behavior is not the role of a marriage mentor. This is not the place to preach. You may be told things that might shock you, but learn to take it all in stride. A couple will open up when they feel they can trust you.
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Q: What can you tell us about your family?
A: My wife, Elisha, and I moved to the Bradley-Bourbonnais community in January 2003. We’ve partnered with Ignite Church Planting to begin Adventure Christian Church. We have been married for 10-1/2 years. We have two sons, Mattias, age 6, and Levi, age 4. We live in Bradley, Ill.
Q: How long have you been a pastor?
A: I have been in ministry for more than 10 years, since graduating from college.
Q: What’s the most challenging part of your ministry as it relates to marriage?
A: For me, the most challenging part is disconnecting from ministering to others so that I can carve out quality time with my wife. As a pastor, the demands of church ministry often pull me away from my family and compromise my time with Elisha. Texts, emails, church meetings — it’s definitely a challenge to “pull away” from work when I’m at home. When you compound this with two beautiful yet rambunctious boys, my own marriage is stretched and challenged at times.
Q: I understand you have signed the Kankakee County Marriage Initiative. What
is that? A: Basically, the KCMI is a collaborative effort among area clergy and Christian leaders to make a conscious effort to promote marriage and lower the divorce rate in Kankakee County. Through the marriage initiative, we stand united on the biblical definition of marriage.
Q: As a pastor, how has Marriage, Inc. helped your ministry and your church?
A: I am blessed that I am married to a licensed professional counselor, so I rely heavily on her for help in my ministry. Recently, some friends of ours approached us about their need for marital counseling. We recognized that, because of our friendship, we were too close to them to help. So we partnered with Marriage, Inc. to create an avenue for them to receive the help they needed in their time of crisis. Marriage, Inc. was there for them at just the right time. Today, they are still married, doing much better, and are continually working toward a strong and healthy marriage!
Q: What advice would you give to a pastor or church about partnering
with Marriage, Inc.? A: For pastors, recognize your own personal limitations. If you have not been trained in a specific area of ministry, in most cases you will be less effective than someone who has been professionally trained. I see this all the time with pastors who offer their own premarital counseling. They read a book or two, and somehow they’ve become relationship experts! Too often in ministry, we tend to deal with surface issues without dealing with the deeper issues. I would encourage pastors and churches to partner with Marriage, Inc. and allow them to come alongside you to help lay a positive marriage foundation in your congregation.
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Q&A
ANDREW AND ELISHA HAMILTON Partnering with Marriage, Inc.
NOTES
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A Prayer for Marriage By Dr. Frank Moore Director, Center for Faith and Culture Olivet Nazarene University
Our Heavenly Father, Our most complete understanding of You has been revealed to us through Your Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus taught us to refer to You as our Father. He also taught us to call Him our brother. All of these are family relationships. We know family relationships are important to You, because You created families. You dreamed of families as nurturing environments where Your children would live in loving relationships just as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit live in loving relationship in heaven.
Jesus reminded us often that we live our lives best when we love God first, when we put the needs of others before our own, when we deny ourselves, when we give without thought of anything coming back in return, and when we love others unconditionally. Those Christian virtues build strong individual characters and strong homes. Lord, help us put these Jesus-virtues to work every day. May our children and grandchildren see something in us that nurtures them and points them to You.
Jesus focused attention on marriage during His earthly ministry by preforming His first miracle at a wedding in Cana of Galilee. His very presence at that wedding reminds us that marriage is important to You. His miracle reminds us that You will do whatever it takes to support couples and make their marriages strong for the long haul of life together. You will step in, whenever invited, to perform another miracle to support strong marriages.
Father, please help us, our community and our nation to catch a vision of Your original dream for marriage. May we defend Your dream in our homes with our daily examples. We need Your daily grace to sustain us as we seek to display Your light in our world. We offer this prayer in the strong name of Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Amen.
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