Grief Issues As you journey forward and accept the knowledge of how sex abuse has impacted you, the realization of what you have lost will dawn. Sadly, that means as you keep moving, there will be some real grief you will need to work through. Grieving is important as it speaks value to that which was hurt or lost. Grieving is important as it moves us through the emotional reality of loss. Sex abuse is about loss. Thus grieving is part of your journey to restoration. I’ve included a sample of things you will need to grieve. This is not by any means an exhaustive list; just a reminder that any loss you experience is best processed emotionally. I’ve also attached the Stages of Grief to help you recognize some of the emotional roller coaster you will experience as you grieve. • Family Families were designed to be places of acceptance, nurturing and safety. When sex abuse happens within the family your need of that place of safety and nurturing is exploited and negated. If exposing the abuse was met with family unbelief or rejection, the sense of family is also negated. Often the traumatized child rationalized or minimized the reality of his family dynamics in order to emotionally survive. Now that the reality is acknowledged, a grieving process begins. You will need to grieve the loss of family; safety; nurturing; whatever it is that was missing in your situation. You may have to grieve what you thought you had, as well as process the emotions of what you didn’t have. You may also have to grieve any current loss of family if your family decides not to journey with you. • Loss of innocence Sexuality was not meant for children. Children do not have the intellectual, spiritual or emotional capacity to manage the experience. It is expected that children remain innocent to that adult activity. By having been exposed to sex before maturity means that you did not have the freedom to be an innocent child. The perception that your world is a place of safety and joy was altered to one of fear, shame and confusion. You were robbed of the innocence of youth. Grieve this loss of innocence. • Unmet needs Each of us comes into this world with needs. Getting those needs met is important to our wellbeing. Certainly ones physical need of care is violated by sex abuse. That fact deserves grieving. Often not grieved are the emotional needs violated by sex abuse. Some basic emotional needs we have include a need to be heard; a need to be safe; a need to be affirmed; and a need to be authentic. It is a reality that for the victim of sex abuse those basic needs were not met and even negated. When you grieve the fact that your needs were not met, you create space for finding healthy and creative ways to get them me.
Stages of Grief recovered from: www.recover-‐from-‐grief.com Rebecca Born
7 Stages of Grief 1. SHOCK & DENIAL. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. 2. PAIN & GUILT. As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. 3. ANGER & BARGAINING. Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out. It would be helpful to try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS. Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 5. THE UPWARD TURN. As you start to adjust to life with your new knowledge, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH. As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life. You will start to work on reconstructing yourself and your life. 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE. During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. You find a way forward.
Stages of Grief recovered from: www.recover-‐from-‐grief.com Rebecca Born