The art of expressing anger

The Art of Expressing Anger Anger is a tricky emotion, difficult to use well until you learn how. People who use anger well have a healthy or "normal" relationship with their anger. They think of anger in the following ways: • Anger is a normal part of life. Everyone experiences it.

• Anger is an accurate signal that something isn’t right in your life. It is a message sender that when explored, will provide some direction for correction either personally or in your relationships.

• Angry actions are screened carefully; you needn't automatically get angry just because you could. You can gain the power to choose how and when it is expressed. You control it- it doesn’t control you.

• Anger is expressed in moderation so there is no loss of control.

• The goal is to solve the problems, not just to express anger. When angry, look behind the emotion to what are you thinking or believing. Is that belief true? Can something be adjusted? What can you do to solve the problem?

• Anger is clearly stated in ways that others can understand what is behind your anger. You are using “I” statements and owning the emotion without hurting others or yourself.

• Anger is temporary. You can move through the anger and release it. The emotion has a life cycle; it is not something you live in. It can be relinquished once an issue is resolved.

• When you practice good anger skills, you never need to use your anger as an excuse.

You can take responsibility for what you say and do, even when you are mad.

• The more you know about your personal anger style, the more control you will have. You can learn to let go of excessive anger and resentment.

Exploring personal anger styles Gaining insights about how you might typically express anger can equip you knowledge about its impact on you and others. Seeing it for what it is may help you gain a desire to utilize a healthier approach. Let’s explore three types of unhealthy management of anger.

Anger Avoidance: Anger expressed this way means you: • Don't like anger much.

• Are afraid of your anger, or the anger of others.

• Are afraid that if you get made you may lose control.

• May think it's bad to become angry and thus may experience guilt about being angry.

Anger avoiders gain the sense that being good or nice means they are safe and calm.

Dangers: • Avoiders can't be assertive, because they feel too guilty when they say what they want.

• You may also end up feeling anger called resentment and express your anger in passive aggressive ways.

Used with permission from: Connections: A Safe Place Rachel Davis

Explore this for yourself: When I use anger avoidance I am usually experiencing a problem with (name a person or situation______________________________________________________________________.

I am afraid to express my anger because if I lose control then ____________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________.

If I were to say what I really feel in this situation or with this person, I would not feel safe because _____________________________________________and I would not feel calm about _____________________________________________________________________________.

But I do find a way to express my anger by _________________________________________.

When I don’t express my anger, then I don’t have to feel guilty about ____________________ _____________________________________________________________________________.

Sneaky Anger: Anger expressed this way means you: • Never let others know you are angry. Sometimes, you don't even know how angry you are.

• The anger comes out in other forms, such as forgetting things a lot, or saying you'll do something but never intending to follow through.

• You may frustrate people you are in relationship with.

Anger Sneaks can look hurt and innocent and often ask, "Why are you getting mad at me?"

Dangers: • You gain a false sense of control over your life when you frustrate others by doing little or nothing, or putting things off.

• You thwart other people's plans.

• You lose track of your own wants and needs.

• You don't know what to do with your own life and that leads to boredom, frustration, and unsatisfying relationships.

Explore this for yourself: When I am angry at (name person) _____________________________ it is good to not let him or her know how angry I am, because then I don’t have to face __________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________.

But sometimes I let my anger out any way by ________________________________________.

Even though this is frustrating to them, I still prefer it this way because ____________________ _____________________________________________________________________________.

When I express anger in this way, I don’t have to take responsibility for ___________________ _____________________________________________________________________________.

Used with permission from: Connections: A Safe Place Rachel Davis

Sudden Anger: When you experience this anger you: • Zoom in from nowhere, blast everything in sight, and then vanish.

• Sometimes it is only a big show that soon blows away, but often people get hurt, homes are broken up, and things are damaged that will take a long time to repair.

Sudden Anger people gain a surge of power. They release all their feelings, so they feel good or relieved.

Dangers: • Loss of control is a major problem with sudden anger.

• You can be a danger to yourselves and others.

• You say and do things you later regret, but by then it's too late to take them back.

• You may get violent.

Explore this for yourself: I experience sudden anger when (name person or situation) ____________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________.

When I am this angry I say things like _____________________________________________ and do things like _____________________________________________________________.

I don’t mean to hurt others but ___________________________________________________.

This type of anger has often caused me to __________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________.

Other types of unhealthy expression of anger include: • Paranoid Anger • Shame based Anger • Addictive Anger • Habitual Anger • Hate • Deliberate Anger • Moral Anger If you would like further information, contact ExpertRebecca

Used with permission from: Connections: A Safe Place Rachel Davis