gettin’ through it

These short scenarios describe a phenomenon—in fact some call it an epidemic—quietly sweeping through our neighborhoods and even effecting celebrity lives like Angelina Jolie and Lindsey Vonn: parent-child estrangement and parental alienation.

In the case of parent-child estrangement, a parent is not only treated with indifference and hostility, the child often separates entirely from the parent, rejecting a relationship with him or her. Parental alienation includes belittling and insulting one parent, often without justification. This behavior from the child can come from the indoctrination by the other parent, especially in a child custody dispute, or in the aftermath of a divorce. In these cases, the child and the alienated parent often previously enjoyed a loving and mutually satisfying relationship. The alienated parent finds him or herself in unchartered territory, and usually isn’t told why. While this condition can affect children of all ages, it usually takes place in adult children; this is probably the most perplexing incidence of estrangement, and even more devastating to the parent, as it usually involves grandchildren. In most cases, the alienated parent is left to guess what he or she might have done wrong in the eyes of their child, and over the course of time apologies and attempts to reach out and reconnect are not accepted or reciprocated. why?

There are many theories and professional opinions out on this topic. The most commonly held opinion is that in these situations specific to divorce, there is often an alienating parent, and thus in turn, an alienated parent. This is where the indoctrination or coaching comes in from the alienating parent. For many, the issue is identified when the estranged parent seeks therapy for depression or anxiety, but also of very real concern is the child. If a child is being influenced in this way, how is this affecting their growth and development and their views of healthy relationships?

The fact is some parents encourage strategies designed to turn a child against the other, targeted parent. Tactics include bad-mouthing, withdrawing love and belittling. According to Dr. Richard A. Warshak, “Regarding intact families, the research is clear that the type of denigration, hatred and fear characteristic of irrational alienation is foreign to most intact families and would be considered a symptom worthy of treatment.”

But behind all the definitions, theories and opinions are lots of hurting men and women, aching for a relationship again with their children. I spoke with a local mother, , who experienced estrangement for a period of time. While divorce had been part of the picture, Jill did everything she knew to try to raise her child in a healthy environment. The emotional turmoil was heavy, and now, as Jill is starting to gain ground with her child, she still wonders, “Will it ever be the same?”

is there anything that can be done to reconcile?

For cases of out-of-the-blue estrangement, Psychologist Dr. Josh Coleman, expert on the topic, offers several suggestions for the parent experiencing this alienation. First, do try to understand your child’s feelings. It may be that you had a very normal parent-child relationship, but was there something that was done or said that the child understood in a very different way than it was intended? Second, don’t be defensive. Keep in mind that their viewpoint may be different than yours. Third, apologize…even if you can’t pin point a specific instance for which to apologize, just the act of being sorry could possibly open doors and start a line of communication.

Jill said, “Never stop trying.” Even if phone calls, emails, and Facebook messages go unanswered, it may be very difficult to continue to live with that rejection, but keep reaching out and showing you care.

Another mother I spoke with who was not estranged, but experienced a few tumultuous teen years with her daughter, told me that they used to write letters to each other. Tension was so high between the parents and the teen that a less emotionally volatile way to communicate was by the written word. Not only is it a good way to communicate, but for each party, being able to write out one’s feelings can be therapeutic as well.

are there causes for estrangement other than divorce?

The style of parenting prevalent in our culture today and in the past decade or two is very different from what took place three, four or more decades ago, when children were “seen and not heard.” As Dr. Coleman theorizes, we went from children earning their parents’ love, to the opposite, where children are the center of the family and their feelings and wishes are tantamount to the family unit; in this scenario, parents must win their children’s love. His speculation is that this has created an unhealthy dynamic in the family system with an upside down parent-child role.

Jill mentioned the idea that we give our kids too many choices. We raise them from birth, always letting them choose…banana or oatmeal, soccer or football, and eventually we, the parent, become a choice as well, if things don’t go the way the child wants. the grieving process…but worse

Jill stated that she’d been through a grieving process, but worse, because her child hadn’t died, but it was almost as if she had. One website I visited [www. estrangedparentsofadultchildren.com, 11/10/11] reiterated what she was feeling:

“When a child dies, there is an announcement in the papers, at school, at church or at work. Friends and family bring food, write condolence notes, observe rituals. When a child is estranged, nobody knows about it unless the parent chooses to share that information. Because in the beginning the parent is so stressed with lack of sleep and grief, it is easier not to tell anyone that a child is rejecting one’s own parent. Some parents keep the estrangement private; others try to share the situation with their friends or colleagues, too often met with ‘Why don’t you try...?’ meaning ‘What did YOU do?’”

There truly are some parents out there who have done something to hurt their child or the relationship. If

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this had been the case, estrangement would have been more understandable, logical, even.

I asked Jill if she had any words of wisdom to offer. She said, “Children are just learning how to have relationships. It doesn’t matter if you dislike your ex; respect each other enough to parent together.”

And If you’re currently experiencing an estrangement or alienation, Jill explains, “Be assertive of where you stand—don’t just be a pushover to try to make the relationship work – no one respects that. But of all the things I could say, just make sure to let your child know that the door is not shut. It is always open.”

Looking for more information? Consider these resources:

• www.drjoshuacoleman.com

• www.warshak.com

• www.estrangedparentsofadultchildren.com

• www.padsupport.wordpress.com

• When Parents Hurt by: Dr. Josh Coleman

• Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family From Badmouthing and Brainwashing by: Dr. Richard Warshak