the trouble with

story by | miriah sannes

"Everything's a wheel, turning and turning, never stopping. The frogs is part of it, and the bugs, and the fish, and the wood thrush too. And people. But never the same ones. Always coming in new, always growing and changing, and always moving on. That's the way it's suppose to be. That's the way it is."

—Natalie Babbit, Tuck Everlasting

Change sucks. I've NEVER been good at it [right, mom?]. People who have type A personalities thrive on the constant, on the safe, on the rituals in life, on schedules that don't stray. We are like tiny little children who find comfort and security from consistency...and if there is one thing we can't stand, it's change.

Three years ago I was ridiculously pregnant with my third child and I was trying to figure out a way to continue being a stay-at-home mom. At the time there was a major internal struggle within me to find the magic "balance" that all of us try to achieve as mothers. To work or not to work? To work from home and stretch myself so thin I can't even function, or do I get a full-time job and never see my own children? Do I dare go out for dinner [much less an entire WEEKEND, God forbid] with the girls for fear of the inevitable mommy guilt?

How do I dare bring up to ANYONE that some days all I want to do is lie in a quiet bed, by myself, next to the ocean, with a book that never ends. I would pray to God to help me find the sense of sanity, a balance to the never-ending internal battle. God answered my prayers in the form of new neighbors.

The sign read "SOLD" as they moved in all of their belongings, or as HE moved most of the items, as I noted the poor dear looking just about as pregnant as I was. Wanting to do the neighborly thing, I gathered my two girls and walked over to introduce ourselves. In an instant I knew I liked her. Her smile, the friendliness, and the realness about her was...well, real. We didn't make instant play dates, but over the course of the next couple of months, we smiled and waved politely. Eventually it turned into visiting while running into each other, allowing my girls and her daughter some much-needed socialization. Winter required all of us to turn in for the next upcoming months, and even though we didn't see much of each other at that time, I was delighted when I noticed an extra car seat being toted in from their vehicle. They had baby number two, and my third was due any moment—she arrived a couple of days later. After my youngest was born was probably the second hardest time of my mommy life [coming in a close second, having battled major post-partum depression with my first]. I remember sitting in our rocking chair, nursing the baby on one side, holding my 18-month-old on the other, with my four-year-old wedged in between my legs with a pillow, thinking to myself, "What in the hell have I done?" The majority of the winter went like this, and, in all honesty, it was a common occurrence to forget what day it was. I will NEVER regret those days, and had many, many amazing moments during that time. Yet, by the time spring rolled around, I was completely shot. I don't remember the exact day and time [because I would lose track of that stuff, remember?], but at some point, my amazing neighbor and I made a habit of meeting outside and letting our girls play. We sat together, nursing our babies, laughing at the conversations that happen between little ones, and engaging in some grown-up conversation ourselves. Slowly, our conversations turned from surface to the guts. Some days we laughed, some days we cried, some days we acknowledged that all we could do was yell. But through the past three years, we have watched our girls grow together, and provided the sanity we both needed in order to do what we needed for our children. We settled into a wonderful little routine: "We'll fence

what’s on your mind?

the north side of the yard if you fence the south side of yours!" "Let's just get a pool together, Lord knows we'll both use it!" "Miriah, plant that apple tree you were going to plant so eventually we can get those apples!" I have depended on my neighbors for milk and eggs, for lettuce from their garden [and they take from ours], to dog-sitting swaps, for late-night Motrin runs to the other's home when one of the babes was ailing. Eventually, it came down to wanting no one else to take my girls when it came time for me to tackle the working world.

Then, a few months ago my dear neighbor pulled me aside and told me her husband had an amazing opportunity for a job in Texas. My heart dropped, yet the other part of me was excited for them to have this opportunity. We had always talked about going places, and doing things, and they are getting to do just that! As the recent weeks have gone by, we made the transitions we needed [finding other childcare, helping clean when I could, going out for a girls’ dinner] for them to go. I knew the night would have to come, and I have been dreading it since we were told of this drastic CHANGE. But, wanting to do the neighborly thing one last time, I packed up my girls and we went and said goodbye to the people we came to know as more family than neighbors.

Thank you, my friend. I don't think you will ever know how important a role you played in my life. Because of you I had the sanity to live my dream of raising my girls for another three years. Because of you I had the courage to go back into the working world, knowing my children were cared for and loved. And because of you I had the security of knowing that my best friend was only a few steps away if I needed her. Saying goodbye to you guys is so much harder than I ever thought it would be, but I'm so excited for the adventures that await you...and the warmer winters, for your sake! And don't forget to make room for us this summer, we are already pinching our pennies for when we can do the non-neighborly thing and crash at your new home!

Miriah Sannes resides in Hawley, MN, with her husband, Jared, and three daughters, Faith, Sena, and Eve. During the day, she teaches Special Education for the Norman County East School High School. The rest of her time is devoted to photography, reading and writing, and being a wife/mother/daughter/sister/aunt/and friend.