PARENTING PERSPECTIVES

When it comes to my last baby, I’m letting go of holding on

Prevention had just declared, thanks to this “novel coronavirus” sweeping the world. The By Danielle Teigen next day, I picked up my older kids at daycare, completely unaware that two days later North

IDakota Gov. Doug Burgum would close schools had my third and final baby one week before indefinitely and my husband and I would elect Christmas 2019. My husband and I already had to keep both kids at home out of fear of exposing a son and daughter, so we opted not to find out our infant’s undeveloped immune system to a the sex of our last baby until the birth. And when strange virus. he was placed in my arms just seconds after the doctor announced, “It’s a boy!”, I knew immediately our family was complete. The following months were hands down the most stressful of my adult life, but we weathered the lockdown, toddler tantrums, Our first two weeks at home two parents working full time as a family of five were blurry and chaotic, thanks I can distinctly from home, teething, distance learning, sleep regressions, to the holidays and upended remember the moving to a new state, and schedules and family visits and older siblings with too much sugar and too little sleep. Once our schedules moments I sat rocking him, realizing acutely that no matter much more with (I hope) few lasting, psychological scars for all of us. As I look back on this crazy first year of my last baby’s normalized, my new baby and how quickly the life, I can’t help but feel I settled into a new routine with just the two of us, and maternity leave started to pass in a dreamy, relaxing haze of baby snuggles and world outside our house seemed to be spiraling out of control, I was grateful and a bit in awe of everything this tiny baby taught me. Because in the depths of our struggles and stress, I can Netflix binging. exactly where I distinctly remember the Then, the pandemic. needed to be. moments I sat rocking him, realizing acutely that no On March 12, I watched news matter how quickly the world broadcasts with increasing outside our house seemed to anxiety about this new “global be spiraling out of control, I pandemic” the Centers for Disease Control and was exactly where I needed to be. His presence

and his needs — however basic or simple they seemed compared to the issues beyond our four walls — were a crucial reminder to stop and slow down and just be present in the moment. I remember looking down at his sweet, innocent face and feeling relieved that he would never recall this insane year of turmoil and sadness and fear; he would only know that Mom was with him every day, ready to comfort and calm him (even when she struggled to do that for herself). As he grew and changed and learned right before my eyes, I realized that I wasn’t mourning the passing of milestones that many mothers of last babies do, moments like taking newborn clothes out of his closet or nursing him for the last time or putting up the baby gate. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was excited for him to grow up, because I knew how much joy his development would bring to our home, and, oh, how I craved more joy during a time marked by such fear and turmoil.

And joy is exactly what he’s given us, in small doses and at such unexpected times: belly laughs elicited from ripping paper while packing, army crawling just a month after moving to our new home, devouring every food he can get his hands on, or playing endless games of peekaboo that leave everyone in giggling fits.

So, I’m not sad that he’s growing up rapidly in front of my eyes. Yes, he’s my last baby and I will never experience these firsts (and lasts) again, but I refuse to mourn that. Instead, I’m celebrating the many milestones that are now behind us because they all lead us into his

Photo courtesy of Emmy Gray Photography

beautiful future.

SPONSORED CONTENT Home for Home for the Holidays the Holidays

The COVID-19 pandemic has many families struggling with how to plan for the holiday season. Holiday traditions and experiences that bring joy and connect us to our loved ones may be compromised and plans for how families will celebrate the holidays will be altered around the globe, resulting in traditions changed, travel halted, and missing loved ones who are not able to be present.

Changes in our lives, tangible or intangible, can elicit feelings of loss. Some may be more visible like the loss of our income, the way in which we do our jobs, how we worship, the way our children go to school, how we exercise or seek entertainment, and the list goes on. Loss that is more intangible, yet impactful, is the loss of our assumptive world and the set of core beliefs that ground us and make us feel secure in our daily lives. For example, loss of our identity, the comfort of our normal routine, or hopes and dreams for the future.

Yet the greatest loss that families may be experiencing this season is the death of a loved one. When a family experiences the death of someone close to them from either COVID-19 or another cause, traditional ways of mourning and receiving support may be limited.

It is important to remember that grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss or change. Family members will each have their own unique grief reactions. Grief reactions and expressions will look different between adults and children. As a parent, you have the important role of providing emotional support to your children while also taking care of your own grief needs. Children of different ages understand death and express grief differently depending on their developmental level.

Developmental Understanding of Loss

• Infants and Toddlers (Infancy to age 2): Loss may be understood as an absence, particularly of a primary caregiver.

Preschoolers (Ages 3-6): Death may be thought of as temporary or reversible

Grade Schoolers (Ages 6-11): A clearer understanding of death develops. Older kids in this age group may have an “adult” understanding of what death is.

Adolescents (Ages 12 and up): Understands death cognitively. May feel life is unfair and act out or search for meaning.

Source: Alan Wolfelt, PhD., C.T., www.centerforloss.com

Celebrating the Season Amidst the Pandemic

Normally the holiday season is a time for family traditions. The holiday may be overshadowed by the death of a loved one and grief and sadness become woven into the season. Give yourself permission to celebrate the holidays with your loved ones. Intermingling old traditions with new ones may be exciting for the whole family. Routine and togetherness provide security and safety for children and even as adults we find safety in what we know and can control.

Many families will be sticking close to home for this holiday season and yours may be one of them. It’s time to get creative and proactive as the season is right around the corner. Here are a few ideas for family fun and togetherness:

Create a family “memory capsule”. Place inside family pictures, souvenirs, notes to one another and place in a sturdy container with a “do not open until” date on the outside. Make a family pact to honor the date. Bury or tuck away until opening. Make a family memory board to display during the holiday season. Include pictures of family from present and past.

Plan a family movie night to watch a favorite holiday movie. String popcorn and decorate the tree while watching.

Have a Zoom holiday. Stay connected with family and friends via facetime, phone calls, and social media to share the holiday spirit.

Take time for frequent family “touch-bases” to acknowledge feelings of grief and reinforce the support and security within your family.

Consider a donation to a cause in memory of a loved one.

Write and mail a family Christmas letter.

Have each family member select a recipe and bake holiday goodies.

Coping with the death of a loved one during the holidays along with the stresses associated with the pandemic can be challenging. At some point, the pandemic will end, but our love and memories for our family members past and present remain with us for a lifetime.

For more information on grief and loss support and resources contact Ethos Hospice at (701) 356-3803 or email griefcare@ethoscare.org.

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