Opus Volume 49 Edition 2

Volume 49 Edition 2 May 2013

Jeff Mcloy: the interview Reviews Recipes Art Kronic Puzzles Horoscopes

Off shore processing of asylum seekers: and the instutionalised mental health damage of children

Contents

PAGE 4

Opus respectfully acknowledges the Pambalong clan of the Awabakal people, traditional custodians of the land on which the Callaghan campus of The University of Newcastle is situated.

PAGE 8

PAGE 10

Shut up about the spill let us talk about the policy

Practical experience helps when getting down to business

Jeff Mcloy: The

BY SHANE GILLARD

BY SALMAN A. SHEIKH

BY SHANE GILLARD

PAGE 14

PAGE 17

PAGE 22

PAGE 24

Out of Sight, Out of Mind: The hidden children of Manus Island

Reviews: Movies, Music, Games,

Gaming Etiquette

Recipes: Cous Cous Salad, Macaroni Cheeseburger

Editor’s Note and Letters to the editor

BY ROCHELLE FLOOD

PAGE 6

BY DAMIAN BARNES AND JOHN WOOD

PAGE 26

PAGE 28

Art exhibition: A Force of Habit

Art: Barbie Procobis

BY EELEYES

BY ROSE GOSPER AND NICOLA BELL

PAGE 30

PAGE 32

Kronic Problems: KRONIC and other synthetic cannabinoids

Puzzles and Games

BY ALEX LAI PAGE 34

Horoscopes

BY MATT SEFTON

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interview

Cover Illustration: Barbie Procobis Cover Design: Jordan Hosking Published by: Newcastle University Students’ Association Inc. May 2013

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Editor’s Note

If I had to find a unifying theme in this edition of Opus it would have to be ‘giving it a go’ – not ‘a fair go’ as our politicians are known to say ad nauseam, but rather getting in the thick of it and seeing what you can do. Check out Opus reporter Shane Gillard’s interview of Newcastle Lord Mayor Jeff McCloy on his experience of giving local government a go. See our report of the Watt Space Open Show, the student gallery’s annual exhibition that any UoN student can enter.

And Salman A. Sheikh argues that MBA students don’t get enough opportunity to get hands-on in business.

Of course Opus is ever-ravenous for news, opinion, art, reviews, recipes, gardening advice - content or expertise of any kind, in fact. Even if you’re not sure what you’d like to do but you’d love to have a go at making a magazine, come along to our weekly production meeting, 3pm Wednesdays during semester in the NUSA building’s ‘Backspace’ (handily located outside the Opus office).

reach us.

SUBMIT@OPUS.ORG.AU EDITOR@OPUS.ORG.AU HATEMAIL@OPUS.ORG.AU

Tim Chaston - Editor

Jordan Hosking - Designer

As first semester comes rapidly to a close , Opus wishes you luck in your final assessments.

Give it your best go!

www.jordanhoskingdesign.com

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Letters Dear Editor, In the last edition of Opus I read an article about mental illness and what students should do to avoid struggling with these issues. (Opus 2013 Issue 1, “A Brave New Education”, page 19”).

It resonated with me in a huge number of ways, though perhaps that was unintended.

Perfectionist thinking traps, it declared, are one way the students get themselves into trouble. Of course! What a trap, to believe what my lecturers tell me when they state in first year (as an official part of the course) that to have any chance at even an average career I must study 60 hours per week and it wouldn’t hurt to spend at least 1 day a week getting work experience externally as well.

How about we increase the profile of the mental health services on campus, the article asked.

That sounds like a great idea. I currently visit an amazing counsellor at the University who makes my life a million times easier. But while we’re telling people about these wonderful services, how about we tell them about the months I spent with a counsellor there using dream analysis to connect with the collective unconscious? Or how about the counsellor who informed me that I am bisexual because the sexual abuse I endured as a child has poisoned my mind, and in fact I only want to be friends with women (apparently I just don’t know the difference between ‘you’re really attractive and looking at you makes me feel good’ and ‘I think you’re a nice person and I want to hang out with you without touching your junk’). It takes more than just calling a number and making a booking to find a counsellor you can actually trust - it takes trial and error and a whole bunch of time. But that doesn’t really fit into this neat picture of student negligence.

suggestion? Maybe the Uni should have to take a course on mental illness first. Maybe then a lecturer wouldn’t have cornered me in their office and aggressively demanded an explanation for trying to access this assistance that everyone promises me is available. Maybe another academic wouldn’t have assured me that their lecture wouldn’t cover any confronting material that day and then immediately proceed to describe in detail a violent sexual assault after I had sat down and couldn’t easily get back out of the room without drawing attention to myself. Maybe the senior academic (and designated complaints officer) who I spoke to about these experiences wouldn’t have suggested I should go take some medication as a solution to the issue (and to that academic if they’re reading I would say, having a doctorate in an unrelated field doesn’t qualify you to dispense medical advice, just FYI).

I am one of those fifth of students suffering from a mental illness. But please don’t tell me it’s because I just haven’t been doing enough to fix my own problems. I’m doing what I can and I’m getting by. Through years of hard work I’ve managed to mostly surround myself with people who I can actually trust to support me. I sure would appreciate one of those helping hands one of these days though.

Regards, Crazy

The article asks that we try to remove the stigma of mental illness by giving students a course on it when we first get to Uni. May I make another

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Shut up about th Us talk about t Opinion

What is this #spill you speak of? Did someone lose their coffee to the unforgiving floors of our university? No, that didn’t happen. Not today anyway. If you paid attention to the hashtag in the headlines, then maybe you know I’m talking about the anticlimactic leadership spill in the Australian Labor Party (ALP).

Twitter went into overdrive on March 21, with politicians, journalists and the Australian people yammering on about what might happen. But nothing came of it, it was merely another case of media speculation, drawing attention away from the real achievements of the day.

Apologies were made about forced adoptions, with a reassurance that the practice would never happen again in Australia. The National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS) was passed through both houses 6

BY SHANE GILLA

of parliament. Naturally, these significant events were overshadowed by the instability within the ranks of the ALP. It may be in the back of our minds now, but I can assure you that the issue will return with a vengeance. As the headline says, I’m here to express my distaste for discussions of leadership. Why? There are several reasons.

The political system in Australia is not presidential. It is not. When you go out and vote, you vote for a representative of a political party. Whoever those representatives choose to lead them is up to their discretion,

out the spill let bout the policy Opinion

SHANE GILLARD

announcing future announcements of policies and costings, yet nothing really comes of them. Everything politicians say and do is meticulously recorded, but only the superficial is reported.

and besides, you voted them in because you felt they would best protect your interests (hopefully).

As far as I’m concerned, leadership of political parties is an internal issue, much like the appointment of a CEO at a large company. So let’s stop getting bogged down in personality politics and let’s start talking about the policy.

My last piece talked about being engaged in politics, here is your chance. Try and change the direction of discussion. Get on Twitter and make insightful observations about policies rather than comment on the jacket our Prime Minister decided to wear today.

If you think we should be able to choose the leader of government directly, demand a referendum for a republic and propose a direct election model.

But that’s an issue for another time, I suppose. If you don’t like the ways things are, get out there and try to change it.

What is the policy? It’s hard to tell these days, but it’s there, buried under the tirade of material bitching about leadership and political puppets. There are announcements 7

Opinion

Students in other countries (particularly in developing countries) wish to go abroad to study in an English speaking country, earn a globally recognized degree and to travel. However, when they graduate from the university’s business school it’s not to get a certificate to celebrate and show off to their parents and friends, it’s to improve their career prospects. Unfortunately, when they go back to their home countries and hunt for a job in a relevant field, these positions are almost impossible to find. It’s not that applicants are not capable, but rather because they have no experience (internship, volunteer positions, etc.).

More than 95% of class compositions in Postgraduate Business studies are international students (Asians, Middle-Eastern, and Europeans). Those who are domestic students are usually older than their international counterparts and have good experience in their field, and they intend 8

Practical Experi When Getting Busines

Writer: Salman A. Sheikh is a freelance entrepreneur. Salman hails from Pakista Master of Business at Univers

to do their MBA to further a result, their students easily uplift their career. As a get jobs in their respective result, the MBA curriculum fields anywhere. is geared towards the 5% of the class who are domestic A few days ago, I visited students.

Career Hub for Resume Service, I asked them about This program structure their career placement should be revised to benefit department, and I was the greatest number of shocked they said they students, rather than being do not have one. When best suited to a small I asked one of the Career percentage of the students. Consultants at Career Hub University of Waterloo, about it, she said to me the Canada offers an MBA University doesn’t have a that includes 8 months division like this, but that commercial practicum. As there are few Sydney-based

Experience Helps tting Down to usiness

Opinion

is a freelance writer, social activist and from Pakistan and currently studying a ess at University of Newcastle.

businesses who can arrange (unpaid) internships in firms to International Students by charging few thousand dollars. I was told she could not recommend these consultants to students. To me it seems cruel that we are paying big money to University, and for the sake of a bit of work experience, we need to ask to parents for additional thousands of dollars. Does this seem fair?

I am from Pakistan, it’s a developing country, and my

international students wish to learn these practices characteristic of Australia.

previous business school had a proper career placement department to arrange an internship for me with a business organization. But the University of Newcastle doesn’t have it at all. It’s not true that all international students lack corporate experience, many of them have it, but Australia as an industrialized nation is more advanced in business practices. While other degrees teach content similarly around the world, in business courses

I am confused as to what the benefit is of a postgraduate business degree at University that is costing us about AU$40,000 if it is not facilitating us to get a job in our home country or in Australia. In case, if we had to study 8 compulsory courses and at least 6 months mandatory internship (paid or unpaid), it will be highly beneficial for students, Australian skill-shortages and employers.

I would suggest Newcastle Business School should restructure its school’s programs by incorporating practical experience in it.

Moreover, Career Hub should also have strong coordination with the business school for placement of students in internships.

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Interview

Giving Local Government A Go: Lord Mayor Jeff McCloy’s Time In Office

BY SHANE GILLARD

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Interview

For most of us, our understanding of local government boils down to roads, rates and rubbish. But there’s more to it than that. There has been mixed opinion on Newcastle City Council and its management of local issues. Now that the fig tree debate has been drawing to a close – what will Newcastle complain about next?

The election last year was a turbulent time for local “Some days are frustrating, but overall I’m enjoying politics, featuring seven lord mayoral candidates, the experience.” many of whom chose not to affiliate with a political party. From the Labor campaign against McCloy is passionate when expressing his desire independent Jeff McCloy suggesting he owned a for reform at a local level, particularly the approval monopoly of property in Newcastle to the raft of processes of development applications, saying that independents spruiking change for the city, there Newcastle City Council has been making progress was never a dull moment. with applicants.

With all this reflection on the campaigning and “We’ve still got a long way to go, we’ll be having the election, it’s time to get down to business. more meetings with the General Manager soon,” Now that McCloy is the Lord Mayor of our city, he said. he is giving local government a go, applying his experience in private enterprise. Although he has In aiming to achieve these goals, McCloy has to faced multiple challenges in leading the council, have an effective working relationship with his McCloy says he tries to keep the politics out of fellow councillors, a skill which can be challenging local government. to maintain at the best of times.

“I like to be the party of common sense, I’ve never “I’ve tried to ensure there’s a sense of humour when been a member of a political party,” he said. dealing with the councillors,” he said.

“You need to be able to work with all parties, “I think there’s mutual respect there, I’m sure there hopefully common sense does prevail” is, particularly in briefing sessions where people can talk more freely.”

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continued McCloy places importance on humour and respect, saying that he prefers to do business that way, as results are much easier to achieve in agreement rather than opposition.

Now that McCloy is the Lord Mayor of our city, he is giving local government a go, applying his experience in private enterprise.

Reflecting on the past seven months he’s been in office, McCloy says there are many small achievements happening all the time.

Hunter Street mall was reopened to traffic to add life, mobility, and a feeling of safety to the area.

“I think when we got Saturday afternoon and Sunday free parking in Hunter Street and the city.

That was an election promise,” he said.

McCloy has collaborated with the police to crackdown on hotels in Newcastle, and had cameras installed in key locations to target graffiti and other crimes.

He also eagerly described his plans for city in great detail, painting a picture of vibrance and optimism for the Newcastle of the future. After all, there should be more to Newcastle than complaining about parking and trees, surely! The big issues in Newcastle right now are about public safety, what to do with the rail line, and how to transport the influx of students into the new inner city campus.

What does our Lord Mayor plan to do about them? That is the question.

Safety in the city is an important issue, and McCloy is aiming to address the Novocastrian concern by boosting the population of the inner city.

“I like public art, but I hate people scrawling their initials over buildings,” he said.

This comment took on particular relevance in the week following Opus’ interview. The Lord Mayor became the subject of controvery after ordering the removal of chalking outside the council offices by local gay activists. Issues were raised at McCloy’s definition of graffiti as well as whether it was within his authority to order the chalking to be removed.

From drawings to development, McCloy discusses his advocacy to remove the rail line, and is working with the state government to truncate the rail line at Wickham. McCloy describes it as an exercise of town planning rather than transportation.

Drawing comparisons with Sydney and New York, McCloy said that people feel safe in those cities because there was a higher concentration of people there.

“The very few people proportionally who come in on the train line to the end of the line at “The mall before it was opened up was a very Newcastle is a transport option that is hurting dangerous place to be at night time,” he said. the city,” he said.

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“Instead of having a blank wall against a rail line, they’ll open those walls up onto the beautifully landscaped corridor.”

Removing the rail line is supposed to open up “Instead of having a blank wall against a rail line, the city and get rid of the divide between the city they’ll open those walls up onto the beautifully and the foreshore. This is part of a $300 million landscaped corridor.” investment that will go into improving Wickham McCloy is also looking forward to many other as a terminating station, featuring new bus routes, development opportunities, especially the road crossings, and footpaths. The new service construction of the university’s inner city campus. routes covered by buses are intended to improve The University of Newcastle has received $30 connectivity around the city, and McCloy was million from the federal government as part of the overall $90 million investment into the new unfazed by the additional interchange. building. It will be a facility that marks the shift into online “This bus system will drop off learning and engagement, as all around our city and go all there won’t be a lecture hall around our city at 10 minute of significant size. Student intervals around those two accommodation will be loops,” he said. constructed by the private sector, which McCloy firmly believes in “They’ll cover more set down to save public money. points than the railway stations.”

“Removing the rail line is supposed to open up the city and get rid of the divide between the city and the foreshore.”

Development companies Landcom and General Property Trust (GPT) have expressed interest in redeveloping the East End, part of a project valued at $400 million. The latest rejuvenation initiative by the Newcastle City Council offers Hunter Street business owners a $4000 grant to paint their shop facades, fix awnings, remove old air conditioning units and signs, and patch the tiles. McCloy and the council have written to all of the owners to get them on board with the project.

“The University coming to the city is a great thing.The University of Newcastle should be integral to the city,” he said.

He further commented on how Newcastle has a future as a thriving education city, and he believes this is possible with bold action and reform.

“Every building that fronts the rail line will undergo change,” he said.

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ROCHELLE FLOOD

Opinion

Out of Sight, Out of Mind: The Hidden Children of Manus Island

O

ffshore Processing Centres on both Nauru and Manus Islands were reopened in October of last year, following recommendations made by the Houston Report. The report, compiled by Angus Houston, Paris Aristotle, and Michael L’Estrange made 22 recommendations - one of which called for a policy reminiscent to that of the Howard era Pacific Solution, whereby Refugees who arrive in Australia by ‘irregular means’; that is, by boat, are processed in remote, offshore centres. The policy is based on the principle that there should be ‘no advantage’ for asylum seekers who arrive in Australia by boat. Since the policy was enacted however, countless administrative and ethical issues have arisen, particularly with regards to the most vulnerable members of any society, children.

There are currently thirty four children aged between seven and seventeen being detained in the Manus Island Camp who have been there for at least four months.

An investigation conducted by the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR) has revealed that the arrangement is manifestly unsuitable, particularly for children. The nature of the detention on the Island is arbitrary and indefinite, with no legal framework currently in place to allow for the processing of Refugee claims.

At the time of the visit, the Australian 14

Government had not begun processing the claims of any of the detainees on the Island, with Politicians such as Chris Bowen claiming that it could take up to 5 years to determine the status of applicants. This, he argued, would form part of the deterrent factor behind the ‘no advantage’ policy.

Under the United Nations Convention on the Status of Refugees (1951) to which Australia is a signatory, however, it is clear that seeking asylum is by no means illegal.

Further, the document forbids signatories to discriminate against asylum seekers based on their mode of arrival. These are two key elements of the agreement that Australia is ignoring under the policy of offshore processing. This policy and the ideas that underpin it are fundamentally flawed. It rests on the common misconception that asylum seekers that arrive by boat are illegal and are ‘jumping the queue.’ Two things that need to be understood are that Australia has agreed to help all those seeking asylum that have a well-founded fear of persecution in their home countries and secondly, that there is no queue. More often than not, those fleeing their countries are unable to access the system to apply for asylum due to the persecution they are experiencing and, as such, use the only means available to them. It is inhumane to punish adults for taking measures to protect themselves

“One of the three men responsible for the offshore policy being reinstated, has called for children Opinion to be released from the Island before further harm is done.” Continued over page: but in the case of children the actions of the Government are even less justified. These children are often entirely dependent on others and are put in situations, such as travelling to Australia in leaky boats; that are outside their control. In fact, most of the children in question are of such a young age that even if they had committed a crime, legally they could not be held accountable let alone imprisoned. Sarah Hanson-Young, a prominent Greens member summarised the issue well on a recent episode of Q & A saying “we lock them up and treat them like animals … as a way of showing an example that other people shouldn’t come here. We are institutionalising mental health damage of children … that is policy that is damaging these vulnerable people.” The Australian Government is arbitrarily imposing an indefinite gaol sentence on these children who have committed no crime but are simply seeking the fundamental rights that others take for granted.

Administrative issues with regards to the reception of asylum seekers to the centre were also revealed by the UNHCR Report.

The Family Compound that the Australian Government deems suitable for the housing of children consists of ‘dongas’ which are in reality no more than shipping containers three metres by three metres in size. These containers are not air conditioned and do

not have doors or windows but are instead covered only with see-through mesh. The Commission found the “physical conditions of the Assessment Centre harsh [and] very uncomfortable.” As well as the physical discomfort created, the design presents clear issues with regards to privacy, particularly for young girls. A wire fence is the only thing separating the Family Compound from another compound in which 25 single males are housed. Several allegations of sexual assault have arisen since the centre was opened and following their visit, the United Nations has stressed that all children should be housed away from the single men as a matter of urgency. Mental trauma is another key issue arising from this design.

There have been several suicide attempts within the group of males in question, as well as protests during which they stitched their mouths shut. The design of the facility means that children housed in the family compound would hear and see much of what went on, therefore compounding existing mental trauma resulting from initial persecution and the boat journey to Australia. Experts fear that witnessing these acts of violence and death during their formative years will have lasting psychological impacts on child detainees.

Also held to be manifestly inadequate are the health services or lack thereof provided on the Island. Doctor John Valentine argues that 15

Continued from previous page: from a medical perspective alone, Manus Island is unsuitable for children, calling it “a remote, silly place to be putting people.” The medical centre in the complex is drastically understocked and understaffed; with almost no resources available for paediatrics and only two doctors on standby at any one time. Standard procedure requires those with health complaints to wait anywhere up to 72 hours before they can be seen to at the medical centre. In more serious cases, the nearest hospital is an hour away and in the event that the local hospital too is under resourced, it takes approximately 24 hours to organise a medical evacuation to Port Moresby. The sheer lack of facilities on the Island would present issues for adults let alone children whose health can deteriorate at a much faster rate. The Government however, appears unwilling to acknowledge the shortcomings of the health arrangements on Manus Island and continues to send not only children, but children with existing health defects such as anaphylaxes and anaemia.

Under the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (1989) to which Australia is also a signatory, the rights of the child are held to be paramount. Bearing that in mind, safeguards should be in place to ensure that children are not detained in a place that is unable to protect the most basic of rights such as access to healthcare.

Under the current policy, pre-transfer assessments are not taking these factors into consideration which is resulting in serious risks to the health and wellbeing of children who are simply falling through the cracks. In light of this, even Paris Aristotle, one of the three men responsible for the offshore policy being reinstated,

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has called for children to be released from the Island before further harm is done.

“We are institutionalising mental health damage of children…that is policy that is damaging these vulnerable people.”

Though these issues have finally been brought to light by the Commission, the continued efforts of both the Australian and Papua New Guinean Governments to conceal details of life on Manus is alarming.

Representatives from the media are not permitted to film within the facility; whilst Salvation Army workers stationed on Manus Island were forced to sign confidentiality agreements regarding the conditions under which detainees are housed. Even more concerning was the refusal to allow Gillian Triggs, Australia’s Human Rights Commissioner to visit the detainees despite the fact that under International Law, the wellbeing of detainees on the Island is Australia’s responsibility. This sheer lack of transparency is not acceptable particularly where children are involved. They are young, vulnerable and often unable to speak for themselves. It is therefore more important than ever that their plight is heard and the Government is held accountable for the treatment they are receiving. It’s Australia’s responsibility to ensure that these children aren’t silenced and ultimately forgotten.

Review review

stone sour House Of Gold Bones Part II House Of Gold & Bones Part II represented in tracks like is the 5th release from Iowa‘Red City’, ‘Sadist’, and ‘The based hard rock band, Stone Conflagration’. The guitar Sour. The album is concept work took a surprising turn based and while not creating towards the grunge movement, the vivid imagery you would particularly in lead sections. expect from seasoned writers Their blending of modern of modern concept albums like hard rock and grunge worked Coheed & Cambria perfectly with the or Nine Inch Nails, it the album tracks and once does work very well is a modern again pushed the as an album rather masterpiece boundaries of than just a collection whatever genre one from of songs like their first would attempt to beginning indentify Stone three releases. The to end. tracks merge into Sour with. each other fluidly, due in part to the noticeably The album is not, however, heavy use of digital effects and without it’s faults. The heavy synthesisers, something that use of compression is painfully in modern music is very often obvious and left a lot to be overused but is used splendidly desired and the bass tone often and tastefully throughout this stands out in a very unpleasant album, which is something a lot way (the verse of “Gravesend” of other modern groups could being a prime example of learn from. this). The positive do, however, outweigh the negatives on this album.

As any Stone Sour fan would have come to expect, Taylor Setting aside any productionpresents poetic musings in related grievances, the album a way that is simultaneously is a modern masterpiece from articulate and brutal. His beginning to end. While vocals soar through the tracks heavier tracks like ‘The House almost seamlessly and are best

By Damian Barnes Of Gold & Bones’ and ‘Black John’ hold their rightful place on the album, the slower, more melodic tracks like ‘Sadist’, ‘The Conflagration’ and ‘The Uncanny Valley’ were the undeniable highlights for this reviewer. All of the tracks are written incredibly well as any fan would have come to expect and the album caters for seasoned fans as well as new listeners alike.

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Review

iron man three

By john wood

at times jaw dropping script Let it be known that in terms and a confident hand at action of Marvel’s phase one, they succeeded in bringing relatively sequences. unknown or uncared-for characters to the screen over the The film begins with a flashback to 1999 where Tony Stark, years and managed to bring it in typical style, makes two all together with The Avengers forgettable enemies at last year. In order this a science conference. to do this, the films reviewer Of course karma has had to play it safe. commends a way of coming back With The Incredible the to bite and the great Hulk and Iron Man writers’ and powerful hero 2 the only two slight decisions Iron Man finally has blemishes on a great to shake a villain worthy to run of films, you can things up. fight him - leader of understand the desire the terrorist group to stick to what works and to not shake up the Marvel ‘The Ten Rings’ and overall evil tyrant, the Mandarin. film system.

That was clearly not what Shane Black wanted to do and to his credit he has given the Marvel series a breath of fresh air.

While The Avengers pleased its audience with its basic storyline and weaving of characters, in terms of writing and directing it didn’t do anything that really wowed an audience.

Shane Black expertly writes and directs a superhero movie with its tongue firmly placed in cheek, an intelligent and

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This would set up a traditional superhero-must-fight-evil film, except Tony must also combat his own inner demons - the fallout from the events of The Avengers. This brings us back to basics and introduces a tension that Iron Man 2 lacked. Iron Man no longer feels invincible.

Without getting into spoilers the film goes down a path that hardly anyone will see coming. Comic book fans or

even film audiences may be enraged by the twists, however this reviewer commends the writers’ decisions to shake things up.

One must applaud Ben Kingsley, it is truly one of his most transformative roles and one that won’t soon be forgotten, his performance being second only to Robert Downey Jnr, who has perfected his fan-favourite character.

Special note should be given to the amazing setpieces scattered throughout the film. Any of these moments could have been the final battle of a movie, but Shane Black continues to outdo himself with each, culminating in an amazing final act.

The true fault with this film is one that plagues all the Iron Man films, and that’s length. It does feel its 130 minute running time and when the credits finally roll (one of the best credit sequences in years), one can’t be helped in thinking that maybe some cutting could have worked.

The new benchmark for Marvel films.

Review

Oblivion something bigger. Then it hit me, like a terrible Olga Kurylenko performance to the face. The opening. Where Duncan Jones’s ‘Moon’ and Pixar’s ‘Wall-E’ succeeded was because they created the world through remember images, not Now, rather than write Wall-E and through about the plot to this movie just put Tom dialogue. It I will simply ask you to Cruise in the didn’t need remember that awesome film instead narration. elation you had when of the robot.

Whether the watching ‘Wall-E’ and just That’s the decrepit desert put Tom Cruise in the film film. land of square instead of the robot. cube towers, with ‘Hello Dolly’ That’s the film. Well if you take out the ‘let’s save the environment’ in the background, or the vast loneliness of space in message that was wonderfully Duncan Jones space drama, we handled in Pixar’s film, and the could feel what we needed to fantastic love interest, also you feel. We knew the world that might as well throw out the we were travelling to. intelligence.

They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I am sad to say that this is unfortunately not true, it turns out the road to hell is paved with copies of Tom Cruise’s ‘Let’s pretend you never saw ‘Moon’’ crapfest ‘Oblivion’.

After leaving the cinema, I couldn’t quite place why my hatred was so strong to this movie. Was it because it was just tedious and boring? Well yes it was, but that wasn’t the major reason. Was it because the film just stole ideas from better films in the genre?

Well, again yes it did that, but

Here we have Tom Cruise talking about what happened over aerial shots of desert, with New York landmarks. Cheers Tom, there was no way we could figure that out. Also is that a sports oval you’re in?

Better do a monologue of a famous game you remember in

that field from when you were younger, just to be safe. But of course don’t remember early memories of your wife, you complete idiot.

Stuff happens, you get bored, Morgan Freeman turns up later to give the film some much needed cred, til you realise that Morgan is phoning it in, and even he wants out. He tries multiple times to kill his character off.

What follows is paint by the numbers Sci-fi schlock, but instead of getting a pretty average painting, the paint has gone out of the lines and they used the wrong colours. If I was Tom’s mother, I wouldn’t even disgrace my house by sticking it on the fridge.

It may seem like a simple joke to make. But seriously all copies should be collected and sent to oblivion.

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Review

Wii U review

By john wood

Nintendo in the ‘90s hit a real sweet spot for backwards compatible to all Wii games. gaming. With classics such as Super Mario 64, Goldeneye and the almighty creation that is The The gamepad will surprise you when held, it is Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time, Nintendo very light and extremely comfortable - it will feel was arguably the most important videogame like you have already held it before. The touch company of the time. However the follow up screen is super responsive and while the graphics to the Nintendo 64 was a little known console being displayed are not full HD or at the great named the Gamecube, which graphical limits of the console, plummeted in sales as fast as it’s no slouch either.

Nintendo you can say ‘Sega Dreamcast’.

Many believed that this was With the recently released knows how going to lead Nintendo to the Virtual Console allowing old to sell way of the dodo (or the way of SNES and soon Gameboy the Atari perhaps).Then the Wii Advance games to be played nostalgia. happened. With sales so large it on the tablet as well, Nintendo Nintendo’s became a competition between have a wealth of content to launch title Xbox and Playstation to see be re-released onto suspecting who would come second, with suckers (like myself ) to was even a the belief that no one can top purchase their titles all over classic 2D it (no one did). This was 2006, again. over 6 years ago, and now they side scroller need to reinvent the wheel.

The interface is simple, and they have ditched the terrible channels from the Wii Which brings us to the Wii U, released late last to make use of a considerably expanded social year worldwide, I have recently acquired this new aspect which works quite well. All the menus piece of hardware and if there is one sentence I are much easier to navigate also. If a complaint could say about this console, it’s this: Nintendo could be made, the console only allows a Wi-Fi knows how to sell nostalgia. Nintendo’s launch connection, with no port for Ethernet cable. title was even a classic 2D side scroller (more on This is an odd choice but even in my dungeon that later) that allowed the TV to be off and to where Wi-fi can barely enter, I had perfect be played using the screen of the Wii U’s tablet reception, so maybe it just doesn’t need one. controller. You can still use the classic Wiimotes (and you have to for all multiplayer, since double Now for some games: Wii U control pads don’t work yet) and it is

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Review

LEGO CITY UNDer. COVER I love the Grand Theft Auto series, I love Lego games and I love movies. Within the first hour I knew that this is not only all 3 combined, but it’s all 3 combined better than I ever knew I wanted. If you have played a Lego game before it’s more of the same collecting studs, finding bricks and smashing everything made out of Lego, but this brings it to gargantuan limits. With over 450 gold bricks to collect and over 300 unlockable cars and characters to find in a great big Liberty City inspired world, topped with amazing use of the Gamepad for scanning areas and receiving video calls from the craziest cast Lego has ever assembled and you have a sure fire must play, also if you love Nintendo, this is full of Mario references, like secret question mark blocks to hit and a green warp pipe.

nintendo NEW SUPER land MARIO BROS U As a packaged game with the premium console, Nintendoland is a much more fleshed out title to that of the packaged game Wii Sports that came with the original Wii. However it still has the problem of being pretty forgettable as a single player experience. In fact, outside of starting it up the day I got it, I haven’t touched it unless friends are around.

However when friends are around this game is fantastic.

As a multi-player game, the diverse range of gameplay and nods to familiar and well-loved Nintendo franchises makes this quite possibly the best party game released by Nintendo in some time.

While the concept of collecting mushrooms and beating Goombas through the desert, ice, forest and fire worlds is nothing new, the gameplay is the best of all the ‘New’ super Mario games and you can’t fault such classic gameplay. However, if you didn’t grow up playing these games or don’t really know the Bowser minions (who make a great appearance reliving Super Mario Bros 3) then this game is a hard sell, no matter how great the platforming is, which again is pretty close to perfect.

So, should you get a Wii U? The simple answer is wait for more games, as that is the core exclusives to the console. However if you are a fanboy who wants to play all of the best Nintendo can offer (and really want to see Mario finally in HD) then this is exactly what you never knew you wanted.

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1 3 4 5 Caplocks

Trying to get a message across? Why not try caplocks! The small button on your keyboard located just above the Shift key and slightly below the tab key has to be one of the most wonderful function on a personal computer. With just one small click of the button it has this wonderful ability to turn any message into a rage flame. Wanna call someone a noob? Why not try it in “caps lock mode”, example “ YOU F’N NOOB!!! UNINSTAL YOU PIECE OF CRAP!”

eeleyes

Gaming Etiquette

Humour

So you wanna be a gamer?

(Pokemon), do you have the skills to be number one?

Not many people know this but gaming is more than just console, parts and skills. To be a pro gamer, or at least on your way to the top, you need to know a thing or two about etiquette. What acceptable as a gamer and what is frowned upon.

If you enjoyed this list or would like to hear more pro tips from Eeleyes you can check him out on The Half Decent Cast which is found on iTunes. Happy gaming and good luck trying to fit assignments around WoW.

Loudness

A recent study at Newcastle University, found a directed correlation between loudness of a player and their ability to game. Needless to say from the 100% real study that I did not make up the louder you play, the better you will be. Therefor a word of advice from a pro; “If you are losing make sure you kick and scream as loud as possible so that EVERYONE can hear you. Saying profanities like Sh$t, C*#t and Je*%s will help more than you know.

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GG

GG, otherwise known as “Good Game” or sometime known as that show that went bad when the Junglist left and they whore our eyes out with a girl, whom I am sure games but I am also ever more sure that she is just their because she has nice boobs, and I mean NICE but not rage nice, nice with added effect.

POINT BEING (again not rage point being but get my point across point being) GG is the best was to show you’re a good sport and not get banned for flaming team mates.

The Blame Circle Have you ever noticed that the reason your team wiped in that fight, instaces, dungeon or battle was because of your healer, tank or jungle? Well to be honest, it’s because it was their fault.

Any good gamer knows that any problem on the “e-battle field” was not his or her fault. If that jungler had ganked their lane they would have won the game. The difference between a good gamer and a bad gamer though is the ability to blame. Lose a fight, make sure the team knows why. A simple “Your so bad, uninstall and never play again” always gets the job done. Want added effect to you message, try caps lock.

2 Downloads

Let me paint a picture, you have just come home from a big day of studying to find you roommate enjoying a nice competitive game of Master Chiefs, Battleplains 3 or Carl on Duty. You think to yourself that they’re not doing as good as they could be doing and you want to help them up their game, whatever can you do? Well it is rather simple, turn on all your downloads.

Not only is lag good for gaming but it is amazing for improving your skills. There is nothing that gets a girl more wet than saying “I had a kill streak last night on

a ping of 430”. Recent studies in the Gaming Faculty of Newcastle University have proven that “lag” increases stress by 10%, improves game play by 30% and makes girl wetter than a priest at a pre-school.

There are two universal truths in gaming, 1. Saying worth it in chat completely negates any bad play made to get that kill and 2. Saying GG at the end of a match shows that no matter how much of a shit you were in the game your still a good sport.

GG at the end of the match can show that you are a good sport.

GG, has a plethora of uses too; Really, really rub that win in with a gg at the end of the game. Did the game come down to a nail bitting finish?

Well I guess you have to blast gg with your finger as fast as you can and as many times as you can before that game finished.

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Did you lose but need that gratification of you tried your best? A GG at the end of the match shows that even though you tried your best and lost your cool about it.

GG has uses outside of gaming too. An example being you scored a HD in your latest assignment, make sure you shake your lectures hand and proclaim GG just so he know you creamed their ass…

Did you spend the whole game calling your team, the enemys or anyone else noobs? Well a simple

Skype

The last entry in this article is Skype related. Essentially a phone call but using the Internet Skype is a great way to communicate with team member, raid member or those people who don’t play games called your family. Skype, I have to proclaim, is simple the best thing since sliced bread and porn, let’s not forget porn but with great power comes great responsibility. Therefor to help you out here are some tips on using Skype; Do to that fact that Skype uses the internet and not a phone line no-one and I mean no-one can hear you eat chips. The call quality of Skype is that amazing that when you are raiding with

guild member ensure that you always have at least five bag of Doritos at the waiting.

There is no possible way to mute a Skype call and to be even more honest once you have a head set on there is no reason to take it off. This means that if nature calls when you’re on Skype, just run with it unless you have a webcam running now one is going to notice that your dropping a douce.

If webcam is on though… well, make sure you hit that old record button for you vlog channel.

Lastly remember that on Skype vocal range doesn’t matter. If you’re talking to quite or too loud your party members can always adjust their volume. Talking in a normal conversation range, that’s for NOOBS.

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Recipes

Cous Cous Salad

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Ingredients 1 1/2 cups of Cous Cous Dash olive oil 1 Leek 1 Cob of corn 1 Yellow Capscium Lime Juice Sweet Chilli Sauce

Cous Cous is a great alternative to rice. It simple to make and inexpensive (I buy it for $2/ packet) I made this recipe up one day with bits and pieces I found in my fridge and cupboard, you could easily substitute the vegetables for whatever you have that looks tasty.

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1. Prepare Cous Cous according to the instructions on the packet. Usually you’ll use olive oil in preparing it. It’s easy to make - you put it in boiling water, stir and leave it alone for a few minutes.

2. Microwave your corn.

Put it in a bowl (you may need to cut it in half to fit) with a small amount of water in the bottom. Cover the bowl with a saucer or cling wrap then zap it for 3 1/2 - 4 min on high.

When it has cooled cut the kernels off and throw them in with the cous cous.

3. Use slice about 1/3rd of the leek finely.

If you haven’t used a leek this is how you do it. Cut off the bottom bit (if it has roots on it throw it in your garden, you

By rose gosper might get lucky and it may grow again). The pale green/ whitest section is the edible section.

I use leeks as a substitute for onions in many things such as omelettes and salad. They are a sweeter and softer alternative.

4. Lightly fry the leek in a little water until soft. It doesn’t need to change colour, just soften.

Put the cooked leek in the cous cous.

5. Dice the yellow capsicum, add to cous cous. Yellow capsicum is sweeter than red and green. It is really nice raw as a snack.

6. Stir up the ingredients and the cous cous then put it in the fridge.

Recipes

continued The Dressing I make my dressings in cleaned, small empty jars. Easy to store and shake.

1. Mix a half and half mixture of lime juice and sweet chilli sauce. I don’t measure this bit, just guess that it will be about enough, if I had to hazard a guess I would make about 75ml of dressing total.

2. Add 2-3 cloves of crushed garlic.

3. Shake.

4. Pour over the cous cous.

Serve cold.

Macaroni Cheeseburger Ingredients 250g hamburger mince 1 clove garlic, crushed 1 onion, diced 250g dry macaroni 1 cup milk 2 cups water 1 cup grated tasty cheese 1 tablespoon tomato paste 1 tsp mustard 1 tablespoon olive or vegetable oil Salt, pepper and seasonings to taste

Macaroni By Cheeseburger NICOLA BELL Heat oil in a large saucepan.

Fry onion until soft, then add mince and seasonings to taste - can use chilli flakes, sage, steak spice or whatever you have in the spice rack - and cook over medium heat until mince is browned, breaking up any large lumps with a spoon.

Stir through garlic, cook one minute. Add water and milk, bring to boil. When liquid is boiling, stir in dry macaroni, tomato paste and mustard.

Reduce heat to simmer, cover and cook until macaroni is tender - add more water if required. When noodles are tender stir through grated cheese, then remove from heat.

Allow pot to sit, covered, for five minutes; then serve.

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Art

Those attending the show should not miss the opportunity to manipulate Louisa Magrics’ electronic sound-sculpture, which in appearance is somewhere between a gerbera and a sieve.

Good Habits Watt Space, the University of Newcastle’s students’ art gallery, has put on display it’s annual Open Show, this year entitled ‘A Force of Habit.’

This year’s major prize was awarded to Emma Stronach for her giant felted heart, inspired by an illustration in a 1920s home medicine book.

Curators Skye Jacobson, Barbie Procobis, and Mary Van Gils asked artist to submit works in response to the notions of the habitual, be that rituals, collections, or compulsive actions.

The show features 65 works in a diverse range of mediums. Those attending the show should not miss the opportunity to manipulate Louisa Magrics’ electronic sound-sculpture, which in appearance is somewhere between a gerbera and a sieve. Conventional felt-tip pen-on-paper is used to hypnotic effect in Jordan Fardell’s detailed kaleidoscopic designs. Lynda Lee Lewis presents a reflective work with her design of lines printed on panels of mirror. Lastly, and this surely takes the cake for most outlandish use of materials, Emma Collins’ piece encases teeth in a pink wooden rabbit.

“We wanted this to be a fun exhibition that everyone could get involved with and relate to, so the idea of habits really made sense for us,” said Procobis. “Everyone has habits; they can be ridiculous, impractical, embarrassing, subtle, or all-consuming. At a basic level, a lot of people in the exhibition found that making art IS their most persistent habit. “ The Open Show, as the name suggests, is open to entry for all University of Newcastle students.

“With exhibitions like this we essentially just throw the theme out there, harass a lot of students to enter, and hope for the best,” said Procobis. “It’s always really exciting when the work comes in and we get to see what we’re dealing with and how everyone has approached the theme.”

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“One of our favourite works in the exhibition was definitely Michaela Swan’s Questions to drive you insane as an Artist,” commented Procobis. “It was really well thought out, meticulously executed (all of the receipts were screen printed by hand!) and very relevant to the theme. Self doubt and creation-related anxiety are what we’re all about!”

The exhibition runs till the 9th of June in the Watt Space gallery, on Auckland Street (next to the City Hub). Gallery hours are Wednesday Sunday, 11am - 5pm. You can find a catalog of works on display on aforceofhabit.blogspot. com.au/

1 Emma Stronach Heart (winner) 2 Christine Bushell The human condition; mind manipulates emotion 3 Danielle Gilhooly Wild 4 Rebecca Coates Fold, fold again 5 Emma Collins Put your money where your mouth is 6 Kate Burton Mitosis 7 Renee McIntosh Knit 2 8, 11 Jordan Fardell Kaleidoscopically drawn 9 Manon Weber Gumi-Gami 10 Andrew Styan Tidemarks 12 Tracey Lang Bound by Habit 13 Dianne Gray Habit is... colour 14 Shana Dennis The Perserverance 15 Amanda Mullaney Amanda in Wonderland 16 Lynda Lee Lewis Sometimes they call me Alice

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Art Barbie Procobis is a final year fine arts student and plans to commence honours in second semester.

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Art

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kronic cinorkPROB

The truth about KRONIC and other s

Opinion

BY ALEX LAI

Business is booming for those who peddle synthetic cannabis. Products with names like Kronic, Black Widow, or Venom have become immensely popular over the last few years, and are a major cause of concern for student health and safety. Marketed as safe, natural, and legal highs, they are sold everywhere from sex shops to petrol stations, and are readily available on the internet. A lot of people may use them, but here’s why you shouldn’t: Myth: Synthetic products are marketed as a natural blend of herbs that when smoked produce a similar effect to marijuana. They come with packaging aimed to promote a sense of quality and brand identity. They may be sold as “incense.”

Fact: All synthetic products are produced by spraying synthetic cannabinoids onto inert plant matter, which are then packaged and sold. There are no active herbal ingredients and nothing at all “natural” about the process. Synthetic cannabinoids are similar to THC (the primary psychoactive substance in marijuana) but some may be up to 800 times more potent. There is no quality control in the production. Each batch of the same brand of synthetic cannabis may contain differing mixtures and amounts of synthetic cannabinoids.

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Myth: These products are legal, and therefore, safe.

Fact: While the legality of synthetic cannabinoids varies between the states of Australia, they are currently NOT illegal in NSW. I use “not illegal” instead of “legal” because the legality of synthetic cannabinoids is simply not addressed by our current legislation. It is difficult to ban these substances as there are upwards of 400 different ones in circulation, and in NSW we have to make each illegal separately.

The manufacturers also rotate the synthetic cannabinoids they use in an attempt to stay ahead of the legislation.

Many people who use synthetic cannabis do so because it is marketed and perceived as natural, legal, and safe. It is also much easier

PROBLEMS

C and other synthetic cannabinoids...

Opinion

BY ALEX LAI

to acquire, being readily available online and in shops, instead of through a dealer.

Synthetic cannabinoids are also difficult to detect through conventional drug screening tests. But are they really safe?

The synthetic cannabinoids used in synthetic cannabis were initially developed to aid research; they were never assessed for safety nor were they meant for human consumption. Although we have only very preliminary evidence, current consensus is that these products cause more harm and are more addictive than marijuana.

Synthetic cannabinoids binds more strongly to receptors in the brain than THC, making it much more psychoactive. They also do not contain any cannabidiol, the sedating, anti-psychotic compound found in plant cannabis. This means synthetic cannabis may have stronger psychoactive effects than marijuana, without the corresponding antagonistic effects of cannabidiol. Together, these properties make synthetic cannabis highly addictive and dangerous.

in presentations to Newcastle mental health services with psychosis after synthetic cannabis use. There has also been reports in medical literature where synthetic cannabis has been associated with increased agitation and aggression, nausea and vomiting, seizures, heart attack and strokes, as well as kidney toxicity. Although we do not have much specific data, it is agreed that long term use of these products can be very detrimental to your health.

Those who profit from the sale of synthetic cannabis are not concerned about your health or wellbeing. The product they manufacture and sell is not regulated nor is it tested for safety. There is no real way of knowing what you are inhaling when you use synthetic cannabis; in the words of John W. Huffman, the scientist who helped develop many synthetic cannabinoids for research: “These things are dangerous - anybody who uses them is playing Russian roulette.�

Individuals have reported to smoking a hundred plus cones of synthetic cannabis and spending hundreds of dollars a day to support their habit. There is a noted increase 31

Quiz By Lora Wiggins Puzzles

1. What is Dwayne Michael Carter Jnr’s stage name?

2. Which metallic element has the lowest density, so low it can float on water 3. How many ‘tails’ does a hemi-demi-semi-quaver have?

4. What was the name of the largest colosseum in Ancient Rome?

5. Which country has the fourth largest Military in the world?

6. Where in the human body is the macula?

7. Who wrote the book series “Flowers in the Attic” 8. Who was Prime Minister of Australia in 1986?

9. What is the collective noun for a group of goats?

10. What year did Sweden legalise marriage equality?

WORD target

P Y R A L E X M E nine letter eight letter seven letter

six letter

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Find as many words as you can using only letters from the grid. The centre letter is mandatory and must be used in every word.

33 Answers: quiz 1- Lil Wayne 2- Lithium 3- 4 4- Circus Maximus 5- North Korea 6- The eye 7- Virginia Andrew 8- Bob Hawke 9- A Trip 10- 2009 (on the 1st of May)

Answers: chess puzzle1 1.Ne4+ Kf5 2.Nd6+ and white will take the bishop on c4 next move.

Answers: chess puzzle2 1...

Rf2+ 2.Qxf2 Qxf2+ 3.Kh3 Qf3+ 4.Kh4 Bf6#

answers chess White to play and win material in three moves.

sudoku

6 3 7 1 5 8 1 2 6 2 5 1 3 8 6 1 5 2 1 7 2 9 6 3 7 6 4 5 8 9

2

7

7 4 5 8 9 1 3

difficulty: Easy

Black to mate in 4.

2 7 6 2 3 6 6 5 3 7 4 9

3 4

1 2 9 1 4 4 6

7 9 1 3 6 0 2

difficulty: hard

Aries: 21 March-20 April

Tauras: 21 April- 21 May

Gemini: 22 May- 22 June

Margaret Thatcher has transcended over the rings of Neptune. Avoid fatty foods and front covers of books that say ‘New York Time’s number one bestseller.’ Now would not be a good moment to start up a business that sells and rents out old Disney movies on VHS, despite what all your friends are saying about this idea being ‘cool’ and ‘retro.’ Honestly, they say they’ll buy stuff but they never will. Your star sign is the give way.

A plethora of juicy juicy gossip awaits you this month when your arch enemy returns from her vacation in Switzerland, and mmm gurrrl, she has gotten faaaat. Find out her mobile number and subscribe her to a whole bunch of those ring tone companies, you know, like the ones that used to be advertised on the telly during the day, and they’d have some annoying animal singing at you like a weird frog or a bear or some shit. Whatever happened to those adds? Your star utensil is the spatula.

Zimbabwe’s rite of passage predicts a cytoplasmic increase in your androgynous zone. Your friends may accuse you of being too obsessive this month, after you spend a good twelve hours trying to find to find the hidden magic-eye image in the movie poster of The Great Gatsby. Here’s a hint: there isn’t one. Take some goddamn medication. Your star condiment is the Dijon mustard.

Libra: 6 desember- grey day

Scorpio: Sagittarius: NO DATE FOR YOU October, sort of...

It’s all happening this month Libra! Jupiter’s radioactive exoskeleton ensures great luck over the next coming weeks. To get the most out of your new found fortune, try taking as many risks as possible.

Now would be a good time, for instance, to bet your life savings on a horse race, or have unprotected sex with a prostitute. When you are done, remember to share your profits with the starving orphans of Cambodia. Your starfish is the Goose Foot Starfish.

The life-force of Ganymede is eclipsing the deltaquadrant, filling you, Scorpio, with a powerful bloodlust. Unexpected bouts of rage will be a common occurrence this month and if you do find yourself screaming at a zebra crossing, or stabbing a roll of masking tape, trying soothing your temperament with a nice long bath or a walk down a dark alley. Your star tool is the jackhammer.

Horoscopes Astrollogist:

Illustrator:

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The Rock of Gibraltar is in the Mediterranean sea. You will be feeling extremely emotional this month Sagittarius, and even the lamest of kids movies or tackiest of funerals will be enough to set you off. Once the tears have begun they cannot be stopped. You will cry and cry until your body is depleted of its vital fluids, then, losing consciousness, you will fall to the floor and drown in a puddle of your own misery. Your star meat is the cabanossi.

Cancer: June 21- July 22

Robespierre: 27 Messidor- 28 Thermidor

Leo: 22 June- 44 Oregust

Horoscopes Freiza has transformed into his final form. You may experience some trouble sleeping this month when your bedside table becomes haunted by the gay ghost of Galileo (no, he wasn’t gay, but his ghost is). You’ll likely want to invest in a good pair of ear-muffs, unless you’re particular fan of Cher, and enjoy having her entire discography belted into your face at 3:00 AM in the morning.

GYPSIIIES TRAMPS AND THIEEVES. Your star app is the Robot Unicorn.

Virgo: Nomember 23- 14st of March

Dick Cheney’s left testicle predicts a month of hard work and little progress for you Virgo. The monotony of life will become clear to you by around Thursday afternoon, when all aspects of reality- past, present and future- will be seen as mere permutations of a single, unified formula. You should probably kill yourself. Or don’t. Who am I, the life police? Your star glue is the Clag.

The revolutionary calendar brings about a month fraught with violence for you, Robespierre. Try not to force your spirituality onto others, as this approach will be met with antagonism.

Your attempts to start a new cult will be seen as arrogant, particularly after you climb on top of a paper Mache mountain dressed in nothing but a toga. There is a high chance that others will perceive you as a threat and retaliate against you. Your star sentence is the guillotine.

Capricorn: 482 AD-

Odysseus has mounted the beast within, bestowing you, Capricorn, with the ability to recover long lost objects. On the way to a bar mitzvah, you will suddenly remember the password for an old Neopets account that you activated in 2002. Your initial hopes will be dashed however, when you log on to find a rotten cabbage, 254 neopoints and a dying Shoyru. Your Star magazine is the Cleo.

The bridge over Mother Gaia casts a tranquil aura around your home this month. Now is a good time to be looking inwards, and exploring the creative facets of your personality. Stack a pile of safety cones into the shape of an aborted foetus, make a macaroni portrait of Sir David Attenborough, fill a swimming pool with menstrual blood. But remember: there is no point in making art if it can’t be sold. Your star appliance is the dishwasher.

Capricorn: 20 Feb- 32 March

Pisces: July?

Your naturally awful personality will be overridden this month by the crowning of Uranus.

Now is the time to make some large life decisions.

Change the colour of your hair, sacrifice your friends, move out of your parents basement. The world belongs to you, Aquarius, for a season. Just don’t get any high expectations. No matter how hard you strive you will never be like a Capricorn or a Leo, both of whom are attractive, intelligent and extroverted.

Your star hero is the Aquaman.

The Lord of Darkness has awoken from the tomb of Iza’kar. You have never felt more attractive and sure of yourself. A date with a romantic partner/love interest/ former lover/casual sex partner, could lead to a feeling of happiness and deep fulfilment. Some dating advice: massage your partner’s nipples with a warm camomile lotion.

Your star movie is the How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.

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