DEAR DAVIDSON

Dear Davidson, I’m a first year, and when I started university my boyfriend and I agreed that we would try long distance and then discuss at Christmas whether or not we could continue. He messaged me last week and told me that he wants to stay in a relationship with me, but wants to have sex with other people while we’re apart. I’m heartbroken, and I’m really uncomfortable with this proposition, but I love him and don’t want to break up. What should I do?

I would like to start by saying that I’m sorry. This truly is a terrible situation to be in, to be faced with a boy you love telling you he would like to - how do I put this nicely - have his cake and eat it. Whilst I am aware this situation may work for some people, where both parties consent, clearly this isn’t the route you expected your relationship to go and that is completely understandable. I will make the general assumption that when you and your boyfriend first started dating, you both agreed to remain committed to one another, and as a part of that, agreed not have sex with other people. Clearly, your boyfriend needs to be reminded of this commitment. If he wants to ‘stay in a relationship’ then he must remember what you both initially wanted. The first step to solving this problem is to address it and to initiate conversation. This will be hard, you will have to take an outside perspective on your relationship to be able to listen and understand why he wants this in the first place. Hearing out loud the reasons why your boyfriend wants to sleep with other people will definitely not be easy but, if you do really love him and want to solve this, you must find the source of the issue. If the problem is the distance between you two I am surprised he hasn’t at least given it to Christmas like you had previously discussed. I know people have their needs but … come on. I don’t know the exact distance between you or either of your financial situations, but if it is possible to do so, I would suggest you take turns to visit each other throughout the terms. This isn’t just something you should be doing, especially if he wants to remain in a relationship. And these visits to one another shouldn’t just be about having sex. It should be more about spending time with each other, reminding you both why you are in a relationship in the first place. Communication is so important in a long distance relationship and you will have to think of new, creative ways to remain connected. I was recently talking to a friend about long distance and she mentioned the importance of having a goal to work towards. Since you are in first year, future relationship goals are so far limited, but perhaps you should suggest goals for your summer break, something you can both look forward to. This is only if he is willing to remain committed to just you; if you both want different things perhaps it would be best to move on, for both of your sakes. Don’t sacrifice your happiness or allow yourself to feel uncomfortable just because you love him. This is your relationship too. Whilst I really hope you will be able to communicate your worries and find ways to keep both your needs satisfied, just remember that there are other people out there who will prioritise your comfort and wishes.

Have a problem and want some advice? WE HAVE AN ANONYMOUS CONTACT FORM AVAILABLE AT LINKTR.EE/ORBITALMAGAZINE

ALTERNATIVELY, YOU CAN EMAIL US EDITOR.ORBITAL@ROYALHOLLOWAY.SU