I’m a Christian, Right?! Christian,
I’m a Christian, Right?!
Istarted attending church when I was young. I joined Sunday school, where we played lots of games and won prizes for everything, from bringing friends to memorising Bible verses. I was brought up to believe—and still do—what the Bible says about God and the world he created. I never seriously doubted any of this, and dutifully went to church every Sunday, right through my teenage years.
But I had a dark side. I was obsessed with how I looked, and I wanted a boyfriend— badly. Some of my girl friends were already dating. Every other guy I saw was a potential boyfriend, and I daydreamed about sex constantly.
In church, we were taught that it was wrong to think about sex and to be intimate with someone of the opposite gender outside marriage. It made me wonder: Am I really a Christian? Isn’t it enough for me to go to church on Sundays?
Do you feel the same? Are you struggling with how you feel in church, or what being a Christian actually means? Let me share my story with you. Perhaps it could encourage you and help you think about your next step.
In my journey, I’ve also asked myself some questions that have helped me reflect on what I believe and what I do. I’ve highlighted them near the end of my story: perhaps you can spend a few minutes on them too.
The Double Life
I finally got a boyfriend when I was 17. He was cool and worldly-wise. Being with him made me feel like I had made it in life. We hung out a lot and got intimate.
My parents weren’t aware of all this. They didn’t know that I liked to go clubbing with my friends, drinking, dancing, and doing things that Christian teenagers weren’t supposed to. That’s because I was still going to church every Sunday, attending youth group meetings, and doing everything I was expected to.
Sometimes, I would agonise over leading a double life. But then I would think: What’s wrong with doing my own thing? Am I not going to church every week? Am I not a Christian?
The Turnaround
Then, one day, a friend showed me her journal containing a list of answered prayers. At first I thought: Why would you care about a stupid prayer journal when there’s a whole world out there to discover? But a sense of shame suddenly overwhelmed me. Until then, I had considered many of my Christian friends less “connected” with the world and thus less cool than I was, but now I realised the truth: I loved the world more than I loved Jesus.
Sometime later, after a night with my boyfriend, I woke up and felt the whole world screech to a halt. It was as if time had stopped and there was nothing but me and God. I had a terrifying thought: I was going to hell, and I deserved it.
That morning, I realised that it didn’t matter how much I knew about Jesus, or how good my attendance was at church. I hadn’t actually given him my life. In that moment, I knew I had to stop trying to
justify my lifestyle and just admit that it was sinful. So I prayed and asked God to forgive me, to help me really come to know him, and to help me learn to follow him on his terms.
Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world.
—1 John 2:15–16
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The Change
Coming back to God was a slow journey. I didn’t change overnight, and I struggled to drop my old habits and lifestyle. But one change was obvious: I stopped having lustful daydreams. If my mind strayed where it shouldn’t, I would feel something like an electric shock yanking me back to safety.
I began to feel clean. Now my mind wanted to focus on God instead of my own desires. I began to see the world and my own life in a totally new way.
Trusting Jesus doesn’t mean we’ll never struggle with sin again, fail, and make mistakes. But he will help us change our attitude towards sin. A sinner runs to sin and loves it, but God’s people fall into sin and hate it. Ultimately, we have to choose between living just for ourselves, and living for God.
The Dangers of Church Life
Superficial involvement with “church life” holds many dangers. To me, the scariest one is thinking you’re saved when you aren’t. I don’t write that to frighten anyone, but because I’ve experienced it myself. The Bible says, “If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9). If we truly mean it, our lives will be changed. We will have a relationship with God himself.
That’s why the Bible says: “Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith” (2 Corinthians 13:5) and “We can be sure that we know him if we obey his commandments” (1 John 2:3). If I had not taken a good, hard look at myself, and asked what or whom I was really living for, I would have continued through life thinking I was a Christian simply because I went to church and knew the Bible in my head.
I used to live for myself, but now I try to live for God. It’s tough, but I keep examining myself before God and relying on his Holy Spirit to transform me into who he wants me to be. I know I belong to Jesus and that his death has paid for all my sin. I know I am forgiven.
Testing Ourselves
How do we examine ourselves? What exactly are we supposed to look for? Consider the following questions:
1. Our relationship with God: Do we want to know him, or is it a bore?
The truth is, praying and reading the Bible are not things we naturally want to do. Even older Christians struggle with doing them regularly. But they are the way to get to know God better. If we have no interest in doing so, it’s a warning sign.
2. Our relationship with the world: Are we trying to get free from it, or are we trying to get away with it?
A friend once said it was okay to use swear words because they were “just words”. “If we don’t mean anything bad,” he said,
“it isn’t wrong.” His logic seemed reasonable then (even though Ephesians 4:29 says, “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful”). But now I would ask him, “If you don’t mean it, why say it? Why not just give up cursing?”
Swearing is just one example. Are we hanging on to things in our lives that don’t please God? If we really want to follow Jesus, we won’t feel comfortable loving the world more than him.
3. Our relationships with others: Are we ready to forgive, or do we hold grudges?
I used to hate a schoolmate for bullying me, and nurtured thoughts of revenge. After I trusted in Jesus, however, my attitude towards her changed. It wasn’t that I didn’t hate her anymore—I just didn’t want to hate her anymore. Giving our lives to Jesus doesn’t mean we won’t be angry or have nasty thoughts again. But if we think it’s okay to hold grudges, it’s another warning sign.
Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
—Ephesians 4:32
Who’s in Charge?
There’s one more question we can ask ourselves: Who is driving my life?
If we are following our own feelings, instincts, or logic in whatever we do—such as when making an important decision, for example—then Jesus is not in control of our lives.
However, if we allow Jesus to be in control of our lives, we will look to him for direction. Perhaps you can ask yourself questions like these:
• What would Jesus do in my situation?
• Would doing this please him?
• Am I honouring Christ in the way I speak and act?
Jesus asked his followers: “Who do you say I am?” (Mark 8:29, emphasis added). He didn’t ask them what “the church”, “your parents”, or “your friends” said.
Jesus is asking us the same question today. Who do we say he is? Have we read his story in the Bible to make up our mind? And if we say he is God, have we given him our lives?
Going to church is great. But there’s more to being a Christian. So here’s my challenge to you: make it your goal to find Jesus for yourself, to meet him personally. Believe me, it will be worth your while!
© 2020 Our Daily Bread Ministries. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
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