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What to Do When Parenting Styles Clash By Christa Melnyk Hines
We all come to parenthood with a certain set of expectations and assumptions about raising kids. Naturally, we assume our partner will share our healthy outlook. That is, until we find ourselves butting heads in the midst of a heated child-rearing dilemma. How do we navigate a parenting style conflict without confusing our kids and harming our relationship with our partner? Discuss your upbringing with your partner. “In a perfect world, we would have these conversations when we are dating,” says adolescent and family therapist Melissa Perry, LPC. How we raise our kids is often dictated by how our parents raised us—or how we wish we’d been raised. As a couple, discuss each other’s childhoods. For example, what was your parents’ disciplinary style? How did they interact with you? Listen to understand and empathize with each other’s experiences. “Most people know that it doesn’t feel good to scream at their kids. Most people know it doesn’t feel good to hit them, but they do it because they say ‘I turned out okay,’” says Cati Winkel, a wellness coach, who works with individuals and families. “Once we start figuring out what that’s created in their lives, how they interact and how they have relationships with people, they start to recognize ‘oh, maybe things could have been a little bit different,’” Winkel says.
“It’s fine for parents to each have their own way of interacting with their children. As a matter of fact, it’s healthy because it teaches children to be more flexible and to adapt better in different environments,” says Colleen Huff, a certified parent educator. Discuss the ideal home environment you want to create, the types of family rules that are important to each of you, and zero in on common goals.
Parent as a team
Vastly different approaches to parenting can send mixed messages to your child. “Your child might start to identify one parent as the parent September 2020 | OurKidsMagazine.com 19
Even if you are divorced or separated, focus on presenting a united front when it comes to parenting.
Come up with a plan
Agree on age-appropriate rules and consequences in your home. For a toddler or preschooler, you might have two or three rules like no hitting or throwing toys, while a five-year-old might have up to five rules. “If kids know the expected behavior, then they’re free to do something else, which is going to be exploring and learning, playing and engaging and feeling self-confident versus feeling timid, inward and insecure,” Huff says. Establish reasonable consequences for unacceptable behavior, but be flexible. For example, you might use the corner for a timeout for your child, while your partner may prefer that your child sits in a time-out chair. By agreeing on a plan of action for common scenarios and remaining consistent with consequences, you can avoid reactive parenting.
Manage conflict
