January 18, 2017 :: Taboo by OUT FRONT Magazine

JANUARY 18 , 2017 | OUTFRONTONLINE .COM | FREE

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CONTENTS JANUARY 18, 2017 VOL40 NO20

30 06 M UPTOWN SHUTTERS ITS DOORS, HOPES FOR RELAUNCH 12 IT’S NOT CHEATING IF IT’S ALLOWED 16 THE SHATTERED EDGES OF MY CONSENT 18 KEEPING US ON OUR TOES

22 THE NAKED TRUTH ABOUT OPPRESSION 32 SEX POSITIVITY: THE ULTIMATE TABOO 36 I’M A FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC 40 PORNSTARS DON’T NEED CONDOMS 48 IS FEMALE EJACULATION EVEN REAL? 54 ASK A SLUT

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RECENT WINNER OF 8 AWARDS from the Society of Professional Journalists, an Excellence in News Writing award, and an Excellence in Feature Writing award from the National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Association.

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M UPTOWN SHUTTERS ITS DOORS, HOPES FOR RELAUNCH THE WHIRRING OF CEILING FANS IN A DARKENED interior; chairs neatly upturned on tabletops like a labyrinth of skewers; the preternatural stillness during what’s normally a bustling lunch rush — all unaffected by a confused group of people in scarves gently pulling on M Uptown’s door handles. You cannot come in; they are no more. The final guests were served on Sunday, Jan. 1 of 2017. Taylor Herbert, former manager of the beloved staple at 700 E. 17th, is still reeling. Only hours earlier was she informed that a shuttering was already underway. “It still hasn’t sunk in,” she says, hands cradling the beanie on her head. “People are already making plans to move on, which is tough.” To her left sits Jeff Kustok, former co-owner. Though just as affected, he maintains a brave face when he speaks of breaking the news to his staffers, of which there are approximately 30. “It was extremely difficult and a last-minute decision,” he says. “Then we reminisced and talked about the good times we’ve had. I think the employees were understanding.”

MEET THE INTERNS ARIANNA BALDERRAMA Hello. I’m Arianna and I’m 168 months of age. Before my birth and the amazing opportunity for the world to be blessed with my presence, my parents made their way to the US from Mexico. As the daughter of Hispanic parents, I realized at a young age that many families like mine got no respect from those who believe every Hispanic is taking their jobs, or are only here to expand a drug cartel. I’m sure a lot of Hispanics worry about

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He tilts his head a bit and adds: “Or as understanding as you can be when you’re being told you no longer have a job.” “I think we all have a good enough connection as a family that we were all able to understand,” Taylor says. “We’re very tight knit, and not to say that no one was upset about it, but what was really beautiful was that Jeff invited us to have a cocktail after the meeting. We went around in a circle talking about our favorite moments we’ve had here and it was bittersweet but beautiful — nobody stormed out angry today.”

Berlin Sylvestre

“It still hasn’t sunk in,” she says, hands cradling the beanie on her head. “People are already making plans to move on, which is tough.”

Though enshrouded in confusion — M Uptown was, after all, a popular spot — Jeff says he and his wife, former co-owner Jennifer Kustok, conferred with their investors and realized it was time to take a step back and reconsider their path.

“We’ve built a lot of clientele, a lot of loyal customers over the past 10 or 11 years,” Jeff says. “That’s a long time for a restaurant; [this industry] is tough. We’ve

being stripped away from all they have worked for when, in fact, the main reason for an unsettling shift is for the benefit of kids like me. People simply want the best for their children, therefore making a journey to a land that promises hope is just another outcome rooted in care and love. Growing up Hispanic meant living in so much fear and caution. Fear remained throughout my years of getting older, and I wanted to make a change somehow so we wouldn’t have to be afraid anymore. How I chose to reach my small goal was to exceed all expectations of me. I managed to get good grades, tried not to be such a big hassle, and held myself accountable to my responsibilites and more. With that idea in mind, I was classified as mature and considerate of others. Not to brag, but I was a blessing as a child. I am the youngest of three daughters making up a family of five. My father was the only one who worked and sustained all of us under his roof. It was always heartbreaking, but liberating at the same time, to watch someone work so hard for his family. Looking back, the talks on finishing school and acquiring a fulfilling career just fueled the fire of will to continue trying. My family has always been different. I’ve never seen a sitcom made that contrasted similarities,

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therefore I thought we were all just too good to be on the television. Instead we lived our days in our own motion picture. My personal movie would be a chick-flick, if you couldn’t tell.

had a lot of great employees over the years, which is amazing. We just felt that it’s time for a new, more energized level and we thought the best way to do that would be to close for now.” “As we were breaking the news to everybody, you could see that it broke Jeff and Jennifer’s heart even worse,” Taylor adds. “To have put their heart and soul into this place for 11 years and to feel like a failure. But this isn’t a failure; it’s ok to just step back sometimes.” With all of this being so new, Jeff is hesitant to lay out a concrete game plan for the future of the business. He says: “We hope to do something within the next three or four months with the same space. That’s our thought process, that’s our hope — but nothing is written in stone. We have a large space which needs to be filled consistently, which we’ve done a pretty good job at but we need to do better. We’re taking a bit of a risk, but we need to do this for what we feel will help us be successful for the next ten years. Right now, I’m unclear as to what that looks like.” He sighs. “We’ve had to speak with lots of people over the last few days, and I’m not entirely sure right now — but when I’m sure, I’ll let people know.” Some speculators on Facebook either blame or credit the new Hamburger Mary’s franchise, to which Jeff and Jen held fast for a decade, as the reason behind M Uptown’s decision to close. “I don’t know much about the new Hamburger Mary’s,” he says, “but our closure has absolutely nothing to do with that — let’s put that to bed.” The normally vibrant art hovering around the placid dining area broods in the dim light. One thing Jeff is adamant on is that no items on the wall will be up for auction anytime soon. In fact, in the aftermath of rebranding after negotiations with the Hamburger Mary’s franchise fell through, Taylor lead the 8 \\ J A N U A R Y 1 8 , 2 0 1 7

From a young age I have always been distant from people. I never liked interaction with others, so I found my time being spent working on random writings and reading however many books I could. My love for all things literature never faded and it continues to reign. I get told the way I think is fascinating, so my views on the arsenal of problems came from reading articles online. I had ammunition to fire at those who only saw the surface of the situation, and not evaluating both sides seemed utterly wrong to me. Then, like an angel, I was presented with the sudden love for journalism. I want to pursue a career in journalism as a way to help those who choose to be informed properly, rather than looking at one biased scripture. Currently, I am surviving high school. As I said before, I have been told that my maturity is not meant for someone my age, therefore spending hours on end with kids who think as they should, or worse, by the views of society, is a battle I am proud to say I am overcoming. I am doing so calmly, for the most part. Being an intern at OUT FRONT is one of the best opportunities I’ve had. Everyone at the office has proven to be an all-around good person. Listening to their opinions and watching them stand on desks to prove a point is an overwhelming experience. They hold their ground ... Passionate conversations are not the only experience I have witnessed. I’ve been granted the opportunity to learn about transcribing, interviewing, writing an article, as well as the many names of sushi. In fact, I was published recently. When I get older, I would like to still be interning, or working, at OUT FRONT, for my gratitude for them is endless. I want to be able to tell the truth about whatever I am covering and make people fear me. In the end, I am hoping for my chick-flick film to close off with an ending never to forget.

JEREMIAH NTEPP My name is Jeremiah and I’m 17 years old. I grew up in the inner city of Denver, and I love to write and love to read. When I am not drowning in ocean of homework, I am at the urban farm where I work. This is a place where I get to ride horses, work with children, and even wrestle pigs if I am feeling frisky! Every day, I walk down the hallways of East High School and I always think about how life is much more interesting in my head. Sitting at a desk every day is something everyone must do to get through school, but when I am crunching numbers or pushing pencils through essays I know that five minutes in, I will get bored again! I love to write fantasy short stories where medieval nobles wander through forgotten forests, or ashes rise from a witch’s cauldron, but in school I am often pushed to write about quadratic formulas or rhetoric devices. You know — things that will help me in the real world. In school I am most likely seen as an unleashed poet, the bringer of truth, the whisper that breaks the silence. Hopefully these titles overshadow last year’s title of “weird black kid who never stops reading teen fiction!” While I may give off a very sophistically withdrawn impression, I am actually quite energetic, spunky, but mostly I am a walking contradiction. From going to gangster-rap concerts at night and accepting academic awards from the mayor in the morning, I do not have plan; I just do my own thing, and hope it all works out. I ride and train ponies in my Jordans, and when my friends are shooting hoops, I am reading Gabriel Marquez or Toni Morrison. I love OUT FRONT. It is dangerously daring and also full of uncomfortable truth. Sprinkle some great political commentary and we have an amazing magazine. The writers at OUT FRONT are inspiring inside and outside their resplendent entries. I am so glad that I have been given the opportunity to be a part and even contribute to the growth and journey of OUT FRONT. I hope that I can bring some of my ideas or perspective to the magazine. I am hoping to provide some of my insight; I know the experience of growing up in a

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effort to help with the new M Uptown aesthetic. She didn’t fully realize the significance of many of the pieces until Jen walked her through the building. For instance, an aged image in a purple frame contains a graphic of a band called Push, which has a Blues Brothers feel and may seem out of place next to a black-and-white poster of a smoking-hot James Dean or a shot of a cooing Marilyn Monroe. Turns out, the lead singer of Push is Jeff’s uncle. “He’s the frontman,” Jeff confirms with a shy smile. The Denver skyline piece above the stage was given to the restaurant a few years back. “Johnny, a parking attendant, did that piece for us,” Jeff says. He adds that it’s a style in which the artist never lifts the pen from the paper. Taylor moves the condiment tray from the table at which we’re seated and has me observe the inlaid photo of the Denver Cycle Sluts. “They’ve commemorated this entire corner to them. [The Cycle Sluts] have been a part of this place for such a long time.” Jeff points to a bejeweled jock strap through which the Cycle Sluts thanked the restaurant for its support. (Get it? Support?) Taylor points to a bear in a glass cage. It comes from a customer who purchased it for the restaurant nine years ago at the Matthew Shepard gala. “That was one of our first galas,” Jeff says quietly. In spite of the sadness in the air at the possibility that our cherished spot in uptown may never return, Jeff and Taylor want to express their utmost adoration

for those who’ve graced their threshold. “The community has been an amazing support,” Jeff says. “I’ve felt it, Taylor feels it, we all feel it.” He’s incredibly humbled when I ask him if there’s anything we can do to help, as a community. “It’s really tough to ask for more from the large group of people who’ve regularly frequented this establishment over the last 11 years. It’s very, very difficult for me to ask for more; they’ve given their money, their time, their energy, and I hope we’ve provided a fun and entertaining environment for them while they were here. It’d be challenging for me to ask for more.”

He takes another moment and adds: “Maybe post what you miss about us and how we can do better in the future. Yeah. You can show your support by letting us know we’re missed.”

If anyone would like to share some anecdotes and good memories on our website or Facebook page, by all means: As always, we love hearing from you. Additionally, see the Denver Cycle Sluts’ tribute on the last page of the issue.

low-income neighborhood. I am aware that when you are young, bored, and hungry, you are inevitably going to go looking for trouble. Not only will you get into trouble, but you will have a hard time being focused and staying motivated in class. This needs to be addressed; there is no denying the parallels between kids who perform below standard, and kids who are impacted by socioeconomic influences. Kids who go to school starving are not going to perform to full potential in school, along with kids who are bullied due to sexual orientation, and kids who do not have role models in their households. Hopefully I can provide ways to help and raise awareness to what transpires in the young communities I immerse myself in. I look forward to being part of a great team. I hope I can gain a lot of insight and perspective as I give mine.

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In spite of the sadness in the air at the possibility that our cherished spot in uptown may never return, Jeff and Taylor want to express their utmost adoration for those who’ve graced their threshold.

OUT FRONT is going to change forever because the black sheep has entered the arena. The freak off the leash has finally gained the pen; righteousness shall ring out of every interview and article. The truth will beam down as the dark sky splits. In conclusion, thank you much for this opportunity.

LEGAL DIRECTORY

CAN-I-BUS OR FLY? This is a frequently asked question by marijuana patients, caregivers, and enthusiasts who are wanting to travel outside their resident state. The question is one that immediately brings up one of the most debated political topics around the legalization of marijuana — federal versus state and local laws. Every ofﬁce is different; every client special.

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According to state law, whether or not you can fly within different areas of a single state in possession depends on the state in which you are traveling. Both Colorado and Washington states may allow adults 21 and older to have up to an ounce of marijuana, but those policies are at odds with federal law. Additionally, it is unclear how marijuana-infused edibles are interpreted under the law and the legal limits. According to federal law the answer is also no, you may not fly on a commercial airliner in possession of marijuana or products that contain marijuana. Airports, airspace, and airplanes all fall under federal jurisdiction and marijuana is considered illegal under federal law, therefore being in possession is punishable by up to one year in prison and a minimum fine of $1000 for a first conviction. That was, until two weeks ago. Last year, President Obama issued Executive Order 21302, effectively removing marijuana from the list of controlled substances. And what does that mean for traveling while in possession of marijuana? Well, it’s not really clear. It seems like playing it safe in the short term is a better strategy than risking detainment at the airport, having your wackytobaccy confiscated or, worst yet, being thrown in jail.

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JA N UA RY 18, 2017

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GAME DAY AT LI’L DEVILS

A capacity crowd kicked off their new year at Li’l Devils on January 1st watching the Denver Broncos battle the Oakland Raiders. Despite the lackluster performances earlier in the season, the Broncos put their best foot forward and defeated their division rivals 24 to 6. Photos by Charles Broshous

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Clowns? Blood?

Pick Your Poison

A fetish is a sexual attachment or focus on a body part (feet, let’s say), an inanimate object (perfume, perhaps), or a medium (silk, even) that isn’t inherently sensual. For most people, it’s an occasional dalliance, but a true fetishist cannot have a satisfying sexual experience without it. Foot fetishes top the list. Hands down. (Or feet, if you prefer.) Entire communities are built around the fetish of leather, and body piercings are emerging as a true force. Hair and shoes round out the top five. But, maybe you’re not the norm. Lucky for you, the fetish community is booming with some of the most unusual attractions catching on.

I was about 13 when I realized I may have a fetish. I was sitting in church (yes, sitting in church) when it hit me. Our Sunday School teacher was telling the story of Mary pouring perfume on Jesus’ feet, then wiping it off with her hair. Perfume? Hair? Feet? (Was I the only one getting aroused?!) Good gracious! YVONNE WRIGHT

PLUSHOPHILIA This one’s a personal favorite. Commonly known as the “furry scene,” this is truly one of the most adorable fetishes around. The so-called “plushies” are turned on by furry creatures that aren’t real, like teddy bears and cartoon characters. Many like to dress as animals, while ascribing them human qualities. Think, perhaps, a life-sized fox with bright, red lips and a blonde wig.

COULROPHILIA They make us laugh, they make us cry, they may even send us running in fear. Whatever your feelings about clowns, they make some people crazy with desire. Salivating over clowns is no laughing matter. Wait. Yes, it is. I’m guessing these fetishists have a ballooning sense of humor.

PSYCHROPHILIA Speaking of motionless magnetism, this fetish begins animate and ends, well, frozen. Psychrophiles have fantasies of watching people freeze. The Shining, anyone? AGALMATOPHILIA Anyone who’s stood before the statue of David can appreciate this fetish — arousal via statue or mannequin. I don’t know that mannequins can be considered works of art, but apparently art isn’t the main motivator; there’s something about the human form, carved from stone or cast in plastic, that gets these motors running.

HYBRISTOPHILIA

HEMATOLAGNIA

Ever wonder why Charles Manson has so many groupies? Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, even Jeffrey Dahmer received hundreds of love letters when they were alive. Hybristophilia is the act of fetishizing criminals, and it’s most common among women. Some psychologists believe they see themselves as a kind of redeemer who can help criminals change for the better. (What? A woman who thinks she can change someone? Get outta jail!)

With the growing popularity of vampire books, movies, and television shows, it’s no surprise that blood fetishism is on the rise. Interestingly, despite the vampire connection, drinking blood is not actually involved. DENDROPHILIA This one is for people who love nature. No. I mean really love nature. Dendrophiliacs are attracted to or aroused by trees. Nothing like a 200-foot Sequoia to attract some morning wood. PARAPHILIC INFANTILISM Here’s one that’s acquired mostly by men: the desire to wear diapers and be treated like a baby. While some take on the entire role with cribs, toys, and bottles, others act their age while wearing nappies. Some psychologists attribute this to a desire for a lack of control, while others see it as a need to be babied. (What? A man who ... oh, I tease.)

VORAPHILIA Being swallowed whole and/or being digested! Yep! For some, Anaconda is just a scary date movie. For others, it is the date. Crunch. Crunch. Gulp. Yeah, baby.

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Danielle has sex for money, but don’t call her a prostitute “It’s an escort service,” she says, and she’s just in it for the money. But “Danielle” is just her escort identity. For safety reasons, she prefers to keep her real identity anonymous as well as the company that initially hired her. “I found the company through my roommate’s mother,” she explains. It was a Craigslist post for the kind of ad you’d find in the back of a magazine. The Denver company offers fetish and BDSM services from women ranging from petite to voluptuous to transgender. Payment is adonation based and agreed upon between the client and the escort, making the service legal. “At first I was like, ‘F*ck no, are you kidding me? I can’t believe you even approached me!’” But after some thought, Danielle decided to at least set up an interview to see what it was all about. On the phone, she spoke with a female named Theresa. “But there was never really a Theresa,” she recalls. “There was only the [male] owner. He was doing it all, fake voice and everything.” Danielle said it was a little creepy, but the owner did that to put his male clients at ease. He operates the business out of his house, alongside his wife, who works as a dominatrix. Their children also live in the house. The escorts essentially donate their time

for an amount of cash. For example, 15 minutes with an escort costs around $70, and it goes up from there. Some men spend up to four hours. Rates also rise if the men request any kind of fetish play. Cash payment is required immediately following the service.

wealthy men looking for something they’re unable to obtain with the workload from their jobs, like a girlfriend. It takes the complicated courting out of the picture.

During the client’s initial call, they must repeat a verbatim, stating they’re not with law enforcement. Of course, the client could just lie and come as an undercover cop, but it isn’t common.

The company also hosts swingers parties on Saturday nights, where Danielle would host and bartend, but she was never involved in the action. Admission was a flat rate depending on gender, plus a bottle of top-shelf liquor or an eighth of weed, and three condoms.

Danielle says her longest scheduled time with a client was two hours, but he ended up leaving after 30 minutes. He still paid for the full two hours, and he tipped $200. Her weirdest experience was a man who paid her to simply bend over the bed while he stared and masturbated. “It was the easiest money I’ve ever made,” she laughs. Her best experiences were when she was making the most money. Danielle says it’s all about the hustle for her. However, a lot of men tend to show up looking for a “girlfriend” experience — they just want to feel valued. “The clients want someone to tell them they’re a good man and they’re loved,” Danielle says. “They just want to know they’re a good person.” Most of the time, these clients are normal,

“They’re not looking to be in a relationship,” Danielle says. “They’re just looking for some really good sex.”

Danielle recalls showing up at noon on Friday and not getting home until 6am on Sunday. But even with the intense workload, she wouldn’t sleep at the house. The company lost its appeal for her when the owner started going on longwinded, ecstasy-fueled speeches about the company. The other girls would also take ecstasy, but Danielle refused. “The owner would play mind games, and the girls would just eat it up,” she recalls. “I would sit there, stone-cold sober, listening to all these ranting lunatics … and I decided this was not the place for me.” That was only after a few months working with the company. After finally deciding to walk away, it took her about a month to leave. Several other girls soon followed.

“It was definitely something that rocked my world, and not necessarily in a good way,” she explains. “While I learned a lot about myself and gained a ton of self-confidence, it really opened my eyes to a whole new world.” But she doesn’t plan on looking away just yet. Danielle feels this industry is something that should be legalized and regulated, like marijuana, because it can get dangerous. Recently, she heard of an escort friend who was basically raped by a cop. He demanded sex, or he’d take her to jail. “It’s very real, and it happens all the time,” she says. “I feel like girls don’t need to be put in that position.” Danielle keeps up with many of her fellow escorts through a Facebook group, where they talk about their experiences. While some have tried to make it on their own, they’ve discussed plans to start their own escort house, where they’ll run things a little differently.

Most of the time, these clients are normal, wealthy men looking for something they’re unable to obtain with the workload from their jobs, like a girlfriend. It takes the complicated courting out of the picture. OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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JA N UA RY 18, 2017

| TA BOO

Sex Positivity: SILAS

GRAU

My generation (and the generation before) have long proclaimed ‘sexual revolutions,’ but to be honest, it all feels a little premature. Before we engage in our own disingenuous version, we need to have difficult — but genuine — conversations about being sex-positive.

America is an overwhelmingly sexnegative place. Perhaps because of our Puritan roots or our free-market values, sex is completely commodified. Coercion, subversion, and violence within our own relationships is disconcertingly commonplace.

To be broad and general, sex-positivity describes sex which is healthy, free of judgment, and consensual. As a philosophy, we can frame many of the ethical questions in our lives around it. For a firmer grasp, let’s discuss what sex-positivity isn’t.

This, in a single thought, is the essence of sex-negativity.

It doesn’t mean you need to have a lot of sex. Likewise, it means it’s okay to say no to sex — without judgment or pressure. You don’t have to be pro-pornography, or even pro-sex work. Whether you like or dislike these things, you’re not judging whether the workers or the work is right or wrong. Sex-positivity encourages non-judgmental discourse about these topics, and may even help you unbox your own feelings on them. It doesn’t affirm every sexual act. Children, people who are intoxicated, and animals cannot consent. Finally, sex-positivity isn’t just for women. It can, and should(!), be applied to people of all genders and orientations.

As a direct result of sex-negative attitudes, a common perception is that sexual violence is far removed from the United States. Sure, there’s a foreign sex trade dealing in little girls and young women abroad. Further, it’s outside our borders that we’ll acknowledge rape as a tactic of war. Even sex tourism is okay if we’re doing it elsewhere. But are we courting cognitive dissonance with puritanical, sex-negative social heirlooms in regard to our own relationships and ways of thinking? These attitudes serve one purpose: to make consumption of the traditionally unpalatable more digestible for people who have been raised within a culture of guilt and shame. For this reason, it’s revolutionary to live shamelessly and without fear, which makes sex-positivity more necessary than ever. Sex-positivity encompasses body- and gender-positivity. Indeed, those who do not identify with a gender, or who

are transgender, are among those who experience the most discrimination and violence. In housing, in work, in their families and personal lives, sexnegativity has taken over.

Violence is highly codified and sanctioned by both governments and corporations against those in the trans community, and there seems to be no relief in sight. Indeed, movements against trans-people seem to be picking up steam — not disappearing. As long as these ideas exist in a vacuum, far removed from public consciousness, the ‘sexual revolution’ will never happen. Not here, not abroad, not anywhere. Confronting sex violence means confronting yourself. You. For that reason, it may be the ultimate taboo.

America is an overwhelmingly sex-negative place. Perhaps because of our Puritan roots or our freemarket values, sex is completely commodified.

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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JA N UA RY 18, 2017

| TA BOO

Triad Tryouts KEVIN M.

I found Derick and Nicole by going to Denver Craigslist personal ads and searching “poly.” Of the three I reached out to, only he responded. I met them at an Applebee’s in a Denver suburb near where they live. They were open with me about their relationship, but the interview was conducted on the premise that I wouldn’t use their full names. (Derick and Nicole can’t be open about their chosen polyamorous lifestyle with some family and friends.) The pair has been seeking a third for their relationship the past couple years. They’ve been married eight, dated for 13, and have known each other longer. “The start of it was the realization that she was bi[sexual], so we started experimenting with that,” Derick says. “From there, it grew to girls or couples. We figured after awhile that we didn’t have as much fun with one-night stands versus people we saw multiple times.” They seem to interact mostly with picture collectors on Craigslist who never intend to be involved in their relationship, and potential new girlfriends who chicken out before the first meeting. “We decided it would be easier if we just had a girlfriend,” Derick admits. “Why not just take some time to find that one and be done?”

SMITH

“KERRY” TOOK A DIFFERENT PATH Kerry, who is nearly 30, has been with her husband since they were 14. “Kind of been through everything together,” she says. They took a few breaks while dating to pursue other people then kept an open relationship while married. “Slowly we just kind of figured out that it wasn’t that we want to end our relationship and not be together — we just didn’t necessarily want to be exclusive,” she says. But they weren’t interested in the “swingers” lifestyle. About a year ago, Kerry met her current girlfriend. “It actually kind of started because she wanted to spend more time with me. We were getting really serious, but my husband — I still wanted to spend time with him,” she explains. “And I didn’t want to have to choose between them.” Kerry’s girlfriend suggested they all hang out together. “And then we all just kind of clicked and got along really well,” she says.

NOW THEY LIVE TOGETHER Kerry’s girlfriend keeps her sexual orientation shrouded from her conservative, Christian parents in Illinois.

For Derick and Nicole, they’ve lost friendships when they’ve been honest about their relationship goals. And while Derick’s siblings know about his polyamorous lifestyle, it’s a secret to his parents. “Most people believe you’re only supposed to be in love with one person and I don’t know if they just believe that because that’s what they’re taught,” Derick says. For it to work, Derick and Nicole both say it comes down to trust. “A lot of people are more jealous minded and they look at it like, ‘How could you share him with somebody?’” Nicole explains. “Doc” organizes a monthly meeting for those in the polyamorous lifestyle or interested in it. The group can be found on MeetUp.com. “I think polyamory is still not widely accepted due to outdated social beliefs and lack of understanding,” Doc writes in an email to OUT FRONT. “Quite often, it seems polyamory is conflated with swinging or cheating leading to the conclusion [that] polyamory is focused on sex or is unethical, which is not the case at all. While this confusion is understandable given its results from a lack of understanding, the problem then becomes that most people do not want their beliefs challenged and will refuse

education, preferring to frame polyamory based on their own experiences which are often, in reality, contextually meaningless.”

HOW IT WORKS “We have rules; we don’t just sleep with anybody,” Derick says. Derick and Nicole want to find someone to date, as one would in a traditional relationship, to find the right fit for their marriage. “It’s got to be 100% the right person if we’re going to bring someone like that into our marriage,” Nicole says. “It’s not just that we find somebody we think is attractive and we kind of get along with.” Doc says polyamory supports personal freedom and choice, allowing people to deepen friendships and relationships while growing love exponentially. “The core do’s and don’ts in a polyamorous relationship are similar to those in a monogamous relationship,” writes Laurie Ellington, a relationship and life coach who runs the website Poly-Coach.com. “The main difference, of course, is that there are more people involved with polyamory. This means more personalities to consider, more experiences to have, more emotions to feel, more communication, etc.” Those in a poly relationship say the benefits outweigh the struggles. “It’s also been really nice to have the emotional support,” Kerry says. “If one of us is at work or just too busy, someone else has someone else to talk to.”

“It actually kind of started because she wanted to spend more time with me. We were getting really serious, but my husband — I still wanted to spend time with him,” she explains. OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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JA N UA RY 18, 2017

| TA BOO

Functioning I’M A

GREGORY

It’s easy to be an alcoholic in America. Just about everything social involves the sauce. Tailgate party? Pre-gaming! Brunch? Mimosas! Lunch? Bring on the pints! Dinner? You mean cocktails, henny! So it’s one thing to say, “Well of course I get my drank on!” and imbibe like “normal people” my age … which is basically daily, whether a glass of wine or three at dinner or a half-pint of Jameson afterward. But it’s another thing to say, “Of course I’m an alcoholic!” It’s completely and utterly taboo. Once you open up that can of worms, people see you differently. There’s a weakness about you. Instead of, “Oh, that’s Greg enjoying a Jack and Coke at the office party,” it’s, “Jesus. Greg’s an alcoholic. He can’t even cut it out for one night?” But for me (and for other folks who haven’t come to terms with what that means) it’s an absolute truth that wearing your Scarlet A (for Alky) without doing everything in your power to fix it is seen as an obvious flaw, a liability. Not quite as sad, but still disheartening is that well-meaning people think they’re enabling you by having a drink with you when, in reality, you’d have one anyway. But I’m “functioning,” as some in our drinking community say. I get my work done. I balance my Jekyll and Hyde. It sounds pretty easy, but it’s a complete bitch. You basically live your life in one big hangover and pretend you’re cool. That’s kinda like having the stomach flu, but whistling and giving presentations

WHEELER

like you’re in tip-top shape. Not easy. “So just stop drinking.”

Do you know why we can’t just “stop drinking”? Because coming off alcohol is a dangerous bitch, too. It’s fatal, if you’re far enough into it. Let me describe what happened last time I tried that without medical assistance. It’s yet another night — the third in a row — that I haven’t touched a drop, and the third night in a row where I haven’t slept. A literal delirium sets in to where I’m seeing shadows of short, cloaked women pacing my living room. I can’t get comfortable on the couch and random song jingles and banging sounds that aren’t real keep my nerves jolting spasmodically. I toss, I turn, I’m sweating, I’m crying, I’m angry, I’m losing it … all in the same minute. Then the hallucinations come back and there are black pigs trying to jump on my furniture. That’s pretty much the only distraction I get from the physical agony, the slight sitting up for the terror and semi-amusement of shadow-pigs. I smell like hell, a strange, chemical-sweat that I can’t name. I’m trembling in the heat of my apartment, hoping the toxins are pouring out, but somehow freezing through a fever. My digestive system is wrecked and I can’t seem to manage even the simplest things over the next work week, like mixing a protein shake when I manage an appetite, or form coherent sentences when someone calls. It’s hell and it doesn’t stop until I cave.

And I had to cave; I couldn’t handle it anymore. A pint of vodka and I was back on track, depressed and hating that I gave in, but now able to cook and form complete thoughts sans hallucinations. But I’m “functioning.” I have a full-time job and I own a home and a car. I know how to refrain if I’m on a business lunch and someone offers to buy a round, because I know where that leads. Some might not consider me a true alcoholic because I play my cards close and know when to hold them, but they’re woefully mistaken. We just know how to hide. There are many, many like me out here who sneak under the radar because it’s easy to conceal — just decline the nightly staff outing and drink at home. But I beg of you: The next time someone has the gall and the trust to admit to you that they’re an alcoholic, please don’t start with the judging or the sadness. It’s a mental impairment with physical symptoms and lots of us out there are on a mission to quit. Promise. In the meantime, don’t feel bad for having a beer with us, and don’t think you’re going to send us on a spiral into non-functioning territory. Not all alcoholics are alike and if we’re strong and self-reflective enough to let you in on our secret, trust that we’re making our own decisions in spite of you. Just enjoy a decent night with us as we’re choosing to do with you. No judging. We got this. Kind of.

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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CALENDAR I hope you’re having a happy January thus far, OUT FRONT readers! The 2017 social calendar in the Centennial State continues with lots of fun productions, including some LGBT faves! If there’s a show you’d like for me to profile, you can email me directly at Calendar@ OutFrontMagazine.com. Easy peasy!

Mike Halterman

JAN 18-22

CIRQUE DU SOLEIL Cirque du Soleil’s first Colorado tour of 2017 brings us Cirque du Soleil: OVO. Ovo is a Portuguese word meaning “egg,” and indeed, the show revolves around an egg that finds itself in an ecosystem that finds a way to cope with a curious change in their daily lives. If you love color, dancing, acrobatics, and a charming narrative, this show is for you. The troupe will perform eight shows between Wednesday, January 18 and Sunday, January 22 at Broadmoor World Arena in Colorado Springs. Tickets start at $37. AEGLive.com

JAN 20-21

JAN 21

COLORADO SYMPHONY The Colorado Symphony presents the show Symphonic Firsts, led by guest conductor Mark Wigglesworth. In this concert, the Symphony will perform Brahms’ Symphony No. 1, which took him 21 years to compose; Schubert’s first symphony, which he finished at age 16; and Mozart’s legendary first symphony, which he wrote when he was only eight years old! Make sure you attend one of the two performances: Friday, January 20 and Saturday, January 21 at 7:30pm at Boettcher Concert Hall. Tickets are priced from $29-$89. ColoradoSymphony.org

MARQU EE

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLY

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OCEAN OF VOICES The Denver Women’s Chorus presents an exciting collection of music and stories about water, the world’s most precious resource, in Ocean of Voices: Stories of Water in Life. Enjoy such selections as Eric Whitacre’s Seal Lullaby, Carly Simon’s Let the River Run, and more! VIP ticket holders will get a chance to meet special guest Cris Williamson, a renowned leader in the women’s music movement. Showtimes are at 2 and 7pm on Saturday, January 21 at Montview Blvd. Presbyterian Church. Tickets are $20 ($50 for VIPs, who should arrive 30 minutes before the show). RMArts.org

JAN 25

ZEDD AT RED ROCKS

KINGS OF LEON Rock band Kings of Leon, well-known for their hits like Sex on Fire and Use Somebody, released their seventh studio album in October, and now they’re touring the country to promote their new work. Colorado audiences will be able to hear their greatest hits, plus recent singles like WALLS and Waste a Moment, when they play the 1STBANK Center in Broomfield on Wednesday, January 25 at 8pm. Ticket prices range from $50-$75. 1stbankcenter.com

JAN 27

One of the biggest names in the electronic dance music genre today, Zedd, is on his way to Colorado! His talents can be heard on such singles as Break Free by Ariana Grande and Starving by Hailee Steinfeld, and of course his own albums, which featured collaborations from Troye Sivan, Selena Gomez, and more. Enjoy an unforgettable EDM experience with Zedd at Red Rocks Amphitheatre in Morrison on Friday, January 27 at 5pm. Tickets start at $45. RedRocksOnline.com

JAN 26

JAN 28

KATHY GRIFFIN She’s spent much of her professional career on the D-List, but she will always be A-List in our hearts. Comedienne Kathy Griffin, who takes no prisoners and spills all the tea in the process, will be bringing her new show to the Paramount Theatre on Saturday, January 28 at 8pm. Kathy loves brushing up on current events, so expect some Colorado-specific tea to start the show! Will she dish about her clash with Ellen DeGeneres? Go and find out! Tickets start at $39.50. ParamountDenver.com

CARBONARO EFFECT Fans of truTV’s The Carbonaro Effect, rejoice! The hunky (and openly gay!) magician host, Michael Carbonaro, will be bringing some of your favorite illusions, plus never-before-seen tricks, direct to you in Michael Carbonaro Live! I’ve seen this show and I can tell you that you will be blown away by the magic and by Carbonaro’s charms. The Paramount Theatre is the host venue for this one-of-a-kind show, playing Thursday, January 26 at 7:30pm. Tickets start at $39.50; VIP mee-and-greet options are also available. ParamountDenver.com

JAN 29

ANJELAH JOHNSON Don’t innarupt. Rude! Comedienne Anjelah Johnson embraces the viral success of her sassy MadTV character Bon Qui Qui, but that is just one of many characters and situations she has up her sleeve in her current stand-up routine. The Nail Salon comedy queen will take the stage for eight shows from Thursday, January 26 through Sunday, January 29 at the Comedy Works in downtown Denver’s Larimer Square. Tickets cost $35 each. ComedyWorks.com OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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JA N UA RY 18, 2017

| TA BOO

Pornstars GRAU

SILAS

There are a lot of positions one can take when it comes to porn. Pun intended. While there are a lot of ways to climax, one of them shouldn’t be while wearing a condom. Before you moan in displeasure, let me give you the facts. First, it’s exceptionally risky to cut scenes with a condom. In fact, wearing condoms to film scenes is incredibly painful. They cause abrasions and fine lacerations in sensitive areas which increase the risk of, and exposure to, STDs on and off set. In general, a porn set is one of the least likely places to contract an STD. Unfortunately, like plane crashes, when porn stars get infections that don’t go away (like HIV), it becomes a media firestorm. The last time a pornstar contracted HIV on a California porn set was 12 years ago. While a recent case of HIV may be related to a Nevada porn-set, it’s worth noting that studios in Nevada face far less scrutiny than those in California — a state which developed extensive testing requirements. Actors test as often as every two weeks, depending on the frequency of their scenes. Actors who test for STDs can’t work until they’re cleared. Period.

Which means they lose money, the studios lose money, everyone loses money. It’s enough incentive for actors and studios to “keep it clean,” as it were. Most importantly, unlike your most recent Tinder match, these stars come with papers. Performers are empowered to ask for the testing results of their co-stars and also usually choose whether they prefer protected or bareback scenes. They are also informed about the risks beforehand. Some studios may even require performers to countersign each other’s paperwork before getting busy. The real rub about mandating performers to perform with condoms is the condescending nature of the regulation. Enter the noble legislators who have been charged with saving these (consenting adult) performers from themselves: “Porn performers are damaged people; they can’t possibly know what’s best for their sexual health.” But what about the viewers? Surely wearing condoms in scenes sets a good example for the viewers, right? Well, no. Viewers almost always choose bareback porn when given a choice.

Even if porn were so virtuous, it alone could not reverse the decade-long decline in condom usage — a decline amongst gay men of almost 15% since 2005 (according to the National HIV Behavioral Surveillance Survey). Between you and me, condoms are so tired and universally hated, and science is so rapidly advancing, that they will be truly antiquarian in just a decade or two. Until then, let’s trust the professionals to make the choices that are best for them. Kick back. Relax. Enjoy the fruit of their labor.

Wearing condoms to film scenes is incredibly painful. They cause abrasions and fine lacerations in sensitive areas which increase the risk of, and exposure to, STDs on and off set.

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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OWNING SOMEONE, BODY AND SOUL Brent Heinze, Senior Columnist I’VE BEEN GETTING INTO MORE KINKY BEHAVIORS LATELY AND I HAVE A GUY WHO I PLAY WITH THAT HAS BECOME VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. HE WANTS TO OWN ME AS HIS SLAVE BY PUTTING A COLLAR ON ME.HONESTLY IT’S NOTHING MORE THAN A CHAIN WITH A PADLOCK, BUT IT’S TO SYMBOLIZE OUR LINK IN THE RELATIONSHIP. SOME OF MY FRIENDS ARE EXTREMELY CONCERNED THAT I’M IN DANGER OF GETTING HURT BY GIVING UP CONTROL TO THIS PERSON. HOW DO I EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT THIS IS A GOOD THING FOR ME AND THEY DON’T HAVE TO WORRY?

it’s also a fun way to add some sexual heat into the exchange. It’s also vital for people to explore the significance of this type of relationship and what they hope to gain from it. Like many things, physical items can have a variety of meanings depending on the nature of the relationship. It has as much or as little significance as individuals put into it. A collar can act as a cool-looking necklace, a status symbol, or an expression of connection and love. It may bring up feelings of sexual desire and increase a sense of security.

The concept of ownership is nothing new in relationships. A high-school football player can let someone they are dating wear their letterman jacket while others offer a promise or engagement ring to someone they love. In similar ways, kinky people may choose to put a chain or collar around someone’s neck whom they care about. Although this may look unusual to some, these are not necessarily concerning.

Regardless of what “ownership” expectations you set in the relationship, slavery was outlawed in the United States many years ago and no one can actually own you. The idea of being someone’s property in these types of dynamics is more about creating agreements and expectations that cause a heightened sense of emotional and sexual arousal. Of course, this is just a clinical way of saying it’s important to be turned on by anything you do intimately with someone else. There is the potential that your friends will not understand your new dynamics, but you may want to take time to consider what it means to you before you spend effort in explaining it to them. Hopefully, they’ll want to see you happy.

In the kink, fetish, or BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism) communities, relationships can exist outside of the normally accepted format that most people experience. Since these exchanges often include giving up power and control in intense situations, it is crucial to ensure that everyone agrees with how things are supposed to go and what to expect from each other. Many times, these types of relationships also come with additional negotiations about what expectations exist between the people involved. It may also include creating a contract that specifies what types of activities involving “ownership” are to be expected. Collars and contracts are extremely important to some to ensure their relationship has been concretely defined, but

One of the primary mantras in the community is to have activities be safe, sane, and consensual. As with most experiences involved with kinky play, communication about expectations and limits is extremely important. Have conversations about what is desired and don’t forget to have a great time. Wearing a collar is a wonderful, symbolic way to represent the bond that exists between people and offers a strong statement to the outside world that you are loved. OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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H EA LT H ONE OF THE BEST BITS OF ADVICE I WAS GIVEN BY A THERAPIST involved a lot of creative thinking on how I interact with depression in my head. I told my therapist how this meddlesome mental illness sometimes rants away like a perpetual, self-defeating commentator deriding almost everything I do. It’s a bit like a vinyl record skipping and playing the same section of some dreadful music over and over, and you can’t shut it off. Ever. This voice tells me again and again that the depression is my fault, or that I’m a failure and a burden to others, or that I can’t love nor do I deserve to be loved. I know these statements are all untrue, but the voice is always there. It’ll find the right alignment of words and sentences to crack open a bottomless chasm in my chest when I should be experiencing a sense of excitement and vitality. For example, when I came out of the closet in my 20s and began dating men for the first time, that voice would lean in close during a date, its cracked lips just inches from my ear as it whispered, “This guy is going to abandon you once he knows about me.” This voice has been rattling around in my skull since I was a kid, but I’m old enough now to separate myself from that persistent diatribe using various strategies. And one of the most useful strategies came from a terrific therapist who advised me to personify that voice — turn it into a caricature with physical features I can picture in my mind. My voice has clammy, white skin wet to the touch, pulled tightly around his skull. He’s taller than me, with sharp cheek bones tucked firmly under a set of hollow, obsidian eyes that never blink. He wears a threadbare suit of green that hangs loosely over a thin frame of bones and flesh, topped with long, greasy black hair that droops in clumps over his broad, razor-sharp smile. He usually looms over me, his long fingers with sharp fingernails lightly tapping my shoulder as he whispers in my ear: “You’re a failure. Cut yourself. End it all before you hurt someone.” It plays like a scene out of a horror movie, perhaps, but personifying that voice gave me the opportunity to engage depression in a way I never had before. Instead of trying to ignore the voice, run away from it, or drown it in a deluge of beer and whiskey, I just calmly reply to it.

DUELING WITH DEPRESSION: PERSONIFYING THE VOICES Mike Yost 4 6 \\ J A N U A R Y 1 8 , 2 0 1 7

The trick for me was not putting so much energy in trying to ignore or argue with that voice. Rather, I turned my head and stared back at that clammy face and those unblinking, vacuous eyes. I’ve had conversations alone in my apartment that would have sent me to the mental ward had someone overheard me without any context, but personifying aspects of my mental illness has been one of my most effective weapons in the duel with depression. And it’s easier than you might think. Just imagine that last scene in the movie Labyrinth when Jennifer Connelly tells the superbly dressed David Bowie, “You have no power over me!”

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H EA LT H

IS FEMALE EJACULATION EVEN REAL? IN THREE WORDS? IT SURE IS.

You won’t be surprised to learn that there have been very few studies done on female ejaculation or on other aspects of pleasure that have to do with the bodies most commonly associated with women.

Jacq Jones GENITALS THAT HAVE A PENIS AND GENITALS THAT HAVE A CLITORIS aren’t actually that different from each other. Humans are built with similar structures regardless of sex. People with penises ejaculate, so of course people with clitorises ejaculate too!

“WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?” Orgasm and ejaculation are two separate functions. In people with penises, these two things often happen at the same time (but they don’t have to). In people with clits and vaginas, they often happen separately. A lot of folks explain the feeling of ejaculation as very different than an orgasm. It’s more of a release, energy moving out into the air, than it is in your body. Orgasm is often described as energy moving through and within your body.

“HOW MUCH COMES OUT?” There is no “normal” amount. People have reported ejaculations ranging from 1/8 of a teaspoon to over a cup (or more) of fluid.

“WHAT IS IT?” Good question. You won’t be surprised to learn that there have been very few studies done on female ejaculation or on other aspects of pleasure that have to do with the bodies most commonly associated with women. But, here’s what we do know: It’s not pee. It contains glucose, prostate fluid, blood products, and trace urine. Unlike vaginal lubrication, it feels just like water. Often, when folks squirt, they need to add lube because the squirting has washed away lubrication. 4 8 \\ J A N U A R Y 1 8 , 2 0 1 7

“HOW DO I DO IT?” For most folks, the best way is to stimulate the g-spot. Let’s get you there! We’ll start with a tour of clitoris-based genitals. Start at the front. The first thing you’ll find is the clitoris. Now go back just a little bit. In the folds of the opening of the vagina, there’s the opening to the urethra. Then, there’s the opening to the vagina. The urethra extends up in the body to the bladder. Around the bladder is spongy tissue called the Skene’s Glands. When someone is turned on, that tissue swells and can be felt by pressing on the front wall of the vagina. Why would you do that? Because that’s the g-spot! Only, it’s not a spot — it’s an area that’s 1–2” long.

“HOW DO YOU STIMULATE THE G-SPOT AND GET TO EJACULATION?” First, make sure that you’re well hydrated (drinking lots of water is good for so many things!), go to the bathroom and pee, put down a towel, and get really turned on. Masturbate, have sex, watch porn, read erotica — whatever works for you. Then, start applying rhythmic pressure to the g-spot. Use that come hither gesture with your or a partner’s fingers or try a toy with a curve like the Njoy Pure wand. Often, continued clitoral stimulation is helpful. Use a vibrator. Have an orgasm (or two). Eventually, you’ll get to a point when you feel like you have to pee. Don’t stop! You’re not going to pee. Your body is telling you that you’re close to ejaculating. Take a deep breath, relax, bear down, push out, and see what happens. Enjoy!

YASS QUEEN AT CHARLIE’S Yass Queen, hosted by Khloe Katz, was held at Charlie’s on January 7th. A capacity crowd turned out to have a few drinks and enjoy a sick show that also featured Anya Dixx, Adryanna Slayz, Stella Ray, Alexander Cray, Danielle Wilder, Penny Spectacular, and Krystina Fatale. Yass Queen is at Charlie’s on the 1st and 3rd Saturdays of every month. Photos by Charles Broshous

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