Oct. 16 :: Demystifying Bisexuality by OUT FRONT Magazine

OCTOBER 16, 2013

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

CONTENTS

VOL. XXXVII ISSUE #14 October 16, 2013 t

17 SO LIV FO CUS CIAL ING 6 7 8 10 12 17

Letter From The Editor Speak Out Out In Colorado News Panel Cover Story

22 24 26 29 31 32

Food For Thought High Society Calendar Bar Map On The Scene Radioactive Vision

34 36 38 42 44 45

Cover illustration created by Denee Pino :: www.heydenee.com 4

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Beauty Faith Urbanism Halloween Events Sexuality HeinzeSight

Serving the LGBT Community of the Rocky Mountains since 1976 3535 Walnut Street Denver, Colorado 80205 Phone: 303-477-4000 Fax: 303-325-2642 Email: info@outfrontonline.com Web: OutFrontOnline.com Facebook: facebook.com/OutFrontColorado Twitter: @OutFrontCO Out Front is published by Transformation Communications Group, LLC, a Colorado limited liability corporation and is a member of: Denver Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce and Denver Drama Critics Circle. PHIL PRICE / Founder, 1954-1993 JERRY CUNNINGHAM / Publisher Email: Jerry@outfrontonline.com J.C. MCDONALD / Vice President / Director of Circulation Email: JC@outfrontonline.com SARA DECKER / Director of Operations Email: Sara@outfrontonline.com JEFF JACKSON SWAIM / Chief Strategist Email: Jeff@outfrontonline.com

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

FROM THE EDITOR

Same journey, different paths I AS A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL, I OFTEN WENT HOME FOR lunch. I would grab a quick bite to eat but spent the majority of the time in front of my family’s computer attempting to download whatever I could find online. These were the days somewhere between dialup and cable Internet access. These were the days somewhere between being “straight” and “gay.”

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Reach Executive Editor Nic Garcia by email at nic@outfront online.com, or by phone at 303-477-4000 ext. 702.

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Once, despite my best effort to keep one ear out for the door, my brother caught me in between downloads. He questioned why I was looking at three Euro soccer players engaging in sexual acts. I told him I was bisexual. At the time, I didn’t know what being gay meant — other than it was something you didn’t want to be. Somehow, I knew claiming bisexual status wasn’t nearly as stigmatizing. I reasoned with my brother: being bisexual meant there was good chance neither he nor the rest of my family would have to deal with the apparent shame of a gay family member. Later that summer, after graduation but before I left Pueblo for Denver, I fully disclosed my gayness to my brother and father. They digested the news gracefully. By this point, I was still clueless as to what being “gay” meant. Someone I cared deeply about told me being gay meant I was supposed to laugh at Margaret Cho and fall asleep listening to Rufus Wainwright and show tunes. So, when I moved to Denver, I rented every Cho concert my neighborhood Blockbuster had on its shelves and Wainwright’s “Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk” became my anthem. As a freshman in college, I conspicuously paced in front of the LGBT student center on campus countless times, hoping the next step would finally be the one to lead me across the threshold of rainbows. I eventually worked up the courage and began to meet other LGBTers on campus, online (remember the Yahoo m4m chat rooms) and around town (the Dazbog at 9th Avenue and Downing, then known as Diedrichs, and Tracks, then known as Dream). Soon enough, everyone — and by everyone, I mean anyone in earshot — knew I was gay. I listened to the ABCs — Abba, Britney and Cher. I died my hair platinum blond. I worked retail in flip-flops year round. My friends and I drove around Cheesman Park all afternoon. I hooked up with more men then I ever should have (none from Cheesman). And I was always the first one in and the last one out at Tracks. I was a diva. I was a diva terror. I was a drunken diva terror. This is what being gay is all about, I thought. Boy was I wrong. I’d like to think my drunken diva terrorism was as much a “phase” as my bisexuality. Just as I grew into one version of my gay identity, I’ve grown into another. One, I hope is a little more respectable. While I’m certain I still haven’t lived all the lessons

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a gay man needs to, nor do I fully understand what it means to be “gay,” I have learned a thing or two. Foremost, it is very easy to reduce being “gay” to simply men having sex with other men. After all, our most primal function is to have sex. Adding primal to more primal — it leaves you with only one thing. But being gay is so much more than that. It is my belief that anyone can have sex with anyone else. But to be gay or lesbian is to be part of a community that is galvanized, resilient and downright fabulous. We have fought police brutality, survived a plague, demanded our rights, found a seat at the table, ingrained ourselves into the fabric of humanity and made the world a better place. We are brothers and sisters, lawyers and doctors, construction workers and restaurant servers, we are artists and poets, we are lovers and fighters. And each day we wake up knowing there are still people out there who would rather we not exist, but we put on a smile and live our lives with Pride. To be sure, we have our own problems. There is still too much infighting, racism, transphobia and other segregation issues. But I know as a community we can do anything. And when we are ready to respect one another as we wish to be respected, we’ll have a whole community as brilliant as the sum of our parts. Speaking of respect, one of the first things we can do as a community is to embrace the “B.” After all, it is just as easy to reduce bisexuality to a waystation, being “sexually indecisive” or “greedy.” Those of us at either end of the sexuality spectrum tell ourselves: They can’t make up their mind; they want it all. But being bisexual is so much more than that. And our cover story dives into what exactly that is. As with most of our cover stories about identity we learn there is commonality among our community members, but each has their own journey. While we share labels, our identities and experiences are our own. Just as I learned my identity through flipflops and a platinum blond mohawk another may have learned his identity through high heels and a wig. And when our paths cross, we’ll compare notes and embrace our shared experiences and hope of one day living in a world where we’re truly accepted. Good journey.

Michael Madsen

SPEAKOUT: COUNCILMOM KNIECH

Lessons from the past, on film, ring true today

Your Denver Real Estate LGBT Specialist

FORTY YEARS AGO THIS MONTH, A MOSTLY white, all male Denver City Council, without a single LGBT member, put an end to police vice raids and criminal obscenity laws that were discriminatorily being used to entrap mostly gay men and lesbians. One of the community leaders behind this victory, Jerry Gerash, dubbed this historic event The Gay Revolt at Denver City Council and created a film to document the events leading up to the repeal. I continue to support Gay Revolt at Denver the movement for LGBT City Council should be relationship recognirequired viewing for tion, protection from anyone interested in discrimination, and vibrant democracy or access to services. But social change of any as the gay and lesbian kind, and will soon community transitions be important viewing from just revolting for youth who will against oppression of not remember a time our own community before Don’t Ask Don’t By Robin Kniech to serving broad and Tell, before Defense diverse communities of Marriage Act, or before openly LGBT leaders in within government, or facing the entertainment, politics and even other oppressions that also impact sports. Thanks to a partnership our community, where else can among Denver’s Gay and Lesbian leaders and regular citizens take Commission, my office, and Mayor these lessons? What could the Gay Revolt Hancock, Denver will have the opportunity to celebrate this anniver- teach us about the importance of sary with a free screening of the bringing the voices of working individuals who have seen no rise in film at The Denver Film Center. It can be surprising to note the wages in decades, the unemployed, similarity between the secrets to or the homeless to decision-makers success for decriminalization 40 debating budgets, housing policies, years ago and the keys to winning or job strategies? While communirelationship recognition today. For ties wrenched by gang violence conduct peace marches and mentor example: Then and now, those being youth, what is our “inside” legal impacted were visible both in large and policy strategy for change? numbers before decision-makers, What are the “asks” of government and in meaningful stories painting that can make a difference? Join us to celebrate 40 years of the human toll of discriminatory transformational history in Denver public policies. Then and now, smart and stra- Oct. 23. But don’t miss the point tegic legal and lobbying strategies of the film. Keep taking action to were utilized along with more change hearts and minds and policy popular tactics such as rallies and in Denver, Colorado and beyond. marches to create both internal and external pressure on government Robin Kniech is an at-large Denver City Council member. systems to change. Then and now, messages had She is the first out lesbian to be to touch the hearts and minds of a member of the Council. c For those who may not have ever ex- more information about the perienced similar oppression to viewing contact Jennifer Selph succeed in making lasting change. at 303.595.3456 ext. 235. OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

MICHAEL MADSEN

303 726 1543 WWW.URBANLEGENDARY.COM MICHAEL@URBANLEGENDARY.COM

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

OUT IN COLORADO

Spooktacular concert to entertain families this Halloween

By Donovan Haynie TRACY FUTCH IS THE MILE HIGH Freedom Band’s token straight girl. A mother of two, Futch joined the band four years ago to exercise her talents on the piccolo. Then her oldest daughter came out, and now playing in the band that caters to the LGBT community and its allies had a whole new meaning. “There really is a great feeling of community in being part of the band as well as a great level of musicianship,” she said. “These events targeted toward families are important because they bring LGBT families together … These kind of events are personal, and are great for reaching out to the larger community.” It’s community and musicianship that will be on display Oct. 26 when the nonprofit band produces its annual Halloween concert, “Spooktacular! Spooktacular!” There will be two concerts. The family-friendly matinee starts at 3 p.m. and the 21-and-over show taking place at 7:30 p.m. Both concerts are at the Kim Robards Dance Theater. Tickets are $15 for children and $20 for adults. “Spooktacular!” has been a pio8

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neering event in the past as one of the largest events to target LGBT families outside of PrideFest, said Artistic Director Rice Majors. “This event is unique and intergenerational for LGBT families. It allows families with similarities to come together and not be self conscious about who they are.” This year marks the third year “Spooktacular! Spooktacular!” has taken place, and this show aims to be a show for the ages. With the show appealing to several generations, some things to look forward to are references to The Ed Sullivan and Carol Burnet Shows as well as musical selections from Brave and Tangled for the family show. Before the event starts The Mile High Freedom Band will be hosting a Bizarre Bazaar, at 2 p.m., in which there will be a variety of activities for all ages to enjoy. Costumes and other goodies will be sold at the bazaar as well. Majors can guarantee that this show will be a lot of fun for audiences to enjoy and expects to get a good audience turn out. “We are having the show in the same place as we did last year, so I’m hoping we can get a large audience from the community surrounding the venue.”

LGBT NATION

Nevada schools may allow transgender students to select teams based on gender identity RENO, Nev. — The Nevada Interscholastic Activities Association, or NIAA, the state’s governing body of high school athletics and activities, is considering allowing transgender students the right to choose whether to participate on either male or female school teams based on their gender identity. “Issues with respect to high school athletics has become somewhat of a larger and open issue on a national basis,” said NIAA legal counsel Paul Anderson. Transgender students are a small but growing group across the nation, and Nevada plans to stay ahead of the curve, he said. “We don’t have the policy out there and those types of students may not know that they have the ability to come to us to seek eligibility,” Anderson told KOLO-TV. “From choosing the sport they want to play to the locker room they want to use, the policy will give transgender students the right to choose. At least we have something to reference at this point. It may not be officially adopted but we have a working document that we can use should this situation arise at this point,” he said High school athletics in the U.S. are principally gender-exclusive, and usually do not make provisions for transgender youth. Currently, six states — including Washington and California — have adopted policies to allow transgender students to compete on teams of their choosing. If Nevada follows suit, students would have to provide medical documentation and a statement from both the student and the parents on their gender identity. “The policy will be written in a way that will weed through those situations and the only cases that might be considered under the policy would be true situations of transgender student athletes,” Anderson said. A revised draft of the policy with specifications will presented to the board in January to be finalized. — LGBTQNation.com OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

NEWS

Pending court ruling could settle custody disputes for same-sex parents By Mike Yost

A COLORADO APPEALS COURT RULING DUE OCT. 23 COULD SET A NEW PRECEDENT RESOLVING CHILD CUSTODY DISPUTES FOR SAME-SEX PARENTS WHO SEPARATE BEFORE THEY BOTH HAVE THE SAME LEGAL RIGHTS OVER A CHILD. The Colorado Court of Appeals will decide for the first time how the Uniform Parentage Act, or UPA, could be applied to some gay and lesbian parents contesting child custody. The act works in part to establish parental rights and obligations through adjudication, outlining that the “parent and child relationship extends equally to every child and every parent, regardless of the marital status of the parent” — in other words, supporting parental rights and obligations for non-biological parents raising a child she or he has not formally adopted. In 2007, Lisa Limberis and her partner at the time, Sabrina Havens, made the mutual decision to raise a child together through artificial insemination. Havens carried the child and a daughter was born in 2008, but at the time the hospital would not allow Limberis to add her name as a second parent on the birth certificate, Limberis said. Now that the women are separated, Limberis — like many other LGBT parents — faces a complex legal process for gaining parental rights over the daughter who bears her last name. “There has never been any court of appeals opinion on the use of the (Uniform Parentage Act) in this way in Colorado,” said Limberis’ attorney Kimberly Willoughby. 10

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Limberis and Havens were co-parents for three years. “She named me as momma and Sabrina as mommy,” Limberis said. “Becoming a parent was life changing. You just don’t know how it really is until you experience it. I can’t imagine life without her.” After the birth, the relationship between Limberis and Havens became strained and eventually fell apart. But they worked together to raise the child as co-parents — sometimes living together as roommates, and sometimes living apart. “Even thought we weren’t together,” said Limberis, “Sabrina consented to file the second-parent adoption paperwork, saying that she’s allowing this to happen and there’s no other parent because it was through insemination.” The Logan County District Court, however, ruled in October of 2010 that the adoption was not in the best interest of the child and unconstitutional. The ruling said, “because H.B. 07-1330 (Colorado’s second-parent adoption law) purports to offer to same-sex couples the benefits of marriage, as related to the law of adoption, in conflict with the Amendment (Amendment 43), which declares that the exclusive means by which recognition of marriage may occur in Colorado is the establishment of such a relationship by heterosexual couples.” Limberis could have filed for an appeal, but declined. “Sabrina told me I don’t need a piece of paper to be a mother,” she said. Limberis and Havens continued to co-parent the child as Limberis filed for an Allocation of Parental Rights, which would have granted parenting time and decision-making responsibilities. FOCUS

But in November 2011, Havens cut off contact between Limberis and the child. Having no legal standing as a parent, Limberis filed a maternity action claim that would declare Limberis the parent of the child. It was at this time Havens revealed to the court, and to Limberis, that the pregnancy was not from artificial insemination, according to court documents. The biological father, however, was never involved in raising the child and relinquished his parental rights, leaving Havens as the sole parent under the law. The case went before the Logan County District Court in January 2013. The parental rights allocation request and the maternity action were both denied in June. “The court said that Lisa didn’t have standing or capacity under the maternity statute, and that’s what I’m appealing,” Willoughby said. Willoughby explained the UPA can be used through a paternity action to add a biological father as the parent, regardless if the parents were married when the child was born. The UPA has also been used in court through maternity action to add a second mother to a birth certificate, regardless of marital status. “There would be two partners and they would have a baby from assisted reproductive technology,” Willoughby said, “and we would say to the court that we want an order before the baby is born that both of those mothers are going to go on the birth certificate and here’s why.” The question the Colorado Court of Appeals must answer with Lim-

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beris’ case is whether the maternity action should still apply as interpreted by the UPA in previous cases if there has been a break up and one of the parents does not agree to add the other as the parent. “In California and other states they say yes, you can do that,” Willoughby said. “They meet the statutory requirements, and there’s nothing in the statute that says you can’t do that. “What I’m trying to do is cause a court of appeals opinion that makes it clear in Colorado that same-sex parents who bring a child into the world — but for whatever reason don’t file for second-parent adoption, don’t enter into a civil union, or don’t get married in a different state — those parents don’t get frozen out if there is a breakup, and those kids get the benefit of the two parents who brought them into the world.” If successful, Limberis could be granted full parental rights alongside Havens. Willoughby and Limberis plan to take the case to the Colorado Supreme Court if the appeal is denied. Willoughby advises same-sex couples planning to raise a family to marry in a state that recognizes same-sex marriage so that their relationship is recognized in Colorado as a civil union. The Uniform Parentage Act automatically declares both parties in a civil union to be parents. “At the end of the day, if people have a child together, there needs to be a court order that says that the non-biological parent is a legal parent,” said Willoughby. “Without it, that child and that non-biological parent are always disadvantaged.”

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

PANEL

QUESTION: If someone identifies as straight but is secretly attracted to the same sex, do you still consider that person gay?

Michael Carr is on the board of the Colorado Log Cabin Republicans, House District 8 Republican Captain, a former candidate for Colorado State Senate, President of Aspirant Marketing, and resides in Cheesman Park with his husband.

Karen Scarpella, PhD, LCSW, is a licensed social worker and the Executive Director at The Gender Identity Center of Colorado.

Brianna J Matthews is a 43-yearold post-op Trans-lesbian ready to take on the world.

The person described is probably bisexual. If this person is truly only attracted to the same sex, I would consider the person gay or lesbian. There are many variables (I think Kinsey’s scale indicates that there are many stepping stones between 100 percent straight and 100 percent homosexual). We are all complex human beings. For the first 51 years of my life, I identified as straight. I have had sex with women (in the last century), but for whatever reason never enjoyed it. Sometimes people change their views of who and what they are as they discover other parts of their total being. Once I was free from professional encumbrances, I was finally able to explore and discover my sexuality. Today, if someone asks my sexual preference, I unequivocally answer gay (except when it’s my mother). If someone had asked that question 15 to 40 years ago, I would’ve said straight. My career, and in some ways my religion, cornered me into a same-sex–celibate situation. That’s not a bad thing. However, I am much happier today as an openly gay man. The hypothetical subject of this question needs to do some self-examination. I hope that there won’t be children and a failed marriage before the final realization. George K. Gramer, Jr.

In the trans* world, “gay” and “straight” gets complicated. Should “gay” be based on one’s assigned sex at birth, or one’s gender identity? There is a new trend emerging with new terms that are less complicated for trans* and gender fluid individuals. The new terms “gynesexual” and “androsexual” are more inclusive and focus more on what we are attracted to rather than what our bodies look like. People are very focused on social labels, and often put themselves into categories that don’t quite fit. If we must use labels for sexual orientation, it is better to be inclusive and allow people to focus on what they want, rather than what society has labeled them based on perceptions of one’s sex or gender. Although these new terms do not clearly specify the attraction to sex or gender, it is a good start and I am excited by the possibilities. Karen Scarpella

Gay is gay. Closeted gays, secret gays, men who have sex with men, are all gay. What differs is the degree to which they are comfortable with the “gay” label. However, if someone has a secret same-sex attraction, it’d be pretty hard to make any consideration concerning her or his sexual orientation other than what she or he lives in public. If someone identifies as straight, lives a publiclystraight lifestyle and only is secretly attracted to members of the same sex, I would consider her or him straight. Of course, after learning of their true attraction it would be impossible to label them anything but “gay.” Michael Carr

Brianna J. Matthews

I don’t think that you can honestly put any sort of label on people for feeling the way they do. The lines are so blurred on gay, straight, or bi that a label does not really fit for those who have attractions to the same sex but don’t choose the identity. It’s possible have an attraction to the same sex without acting on it, if that’s your desire. Same-sex attractions aren’t considered normal in society “outside the LGBT community,” but as time goes on, society has become much more tolerant in what it accepts. You can have that “man-” or “girl-crush” without being considered gay or lesbian. You may have that crush and may not feel the urge to act on it — so I think those attractions to the same sex don’t necessarily make you gay or bi. Labels are starting to fade as sexual fluidity replaces them. Boy likes boy, likes girl, likes girl, likes boy, and so on and so forth. Why do we have to have a label for someone because they find the opposite sex attractive? I think society in general feels more comfortable with labels, so it helps them sleep at night knowing what is what. But does it really matter? In my opinion, no.

Iowa native George K. Gramer, Jr. is the president of the Colorado Log Cabin Republicans.

Join the Panel. Contact the editorial department by email at editorial@outfrontonline.com or call 303-477-4000 ext. 702 to be considered.

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THE LESBIAN SOCIALITE

Is searching for ‘people like us’ narcissistic?

Robyn Vie-Carpenter Photo by Flor Blake

A couple months back I started asking people if it’s sort of narcissistic to like someone because she or he is similar to you. Each time I asked, the person paused a moment and said, yeah, kinda. People say all the time that they like someone for what they have in common. But if you admire someone because of their similarities to you, isn’t that a focus on how great you are?

I understand the desire to connect with people who like what you like, think the way you think or go to the same places you go to. It’s like being in a tribe or club, and makes you feel safe — one could almost say it makes you feel normal. Yeah, I said the N-word: normal. When people create a cocoon of sameness around them, they are basking in the illusion of normalcy. But when your comfort with being around someone similar becomes admiration of those traits, it makes me think perceptions become skewed. In mythology, Narcissus was the beautiful son of a Greek god and a nymph. He was so beautiful, in fact, that one day while walking in the woods he happened upon a pool where he caught sight of his own reflection and fell in love. When he eventually realized the reflection couldn’t love him back, he was so overcome by sadness that he died. Holy crap! He dies of a broken heart that no one else will ever be as amazing as he is? The lesson is to avoid thinking so highly of yourself that you fail to see merits in everyone. Narcissism usually shows up in the wrong context — people usually use the word narcissistic to mean vain. Instead of admiring someone for being a lot like you, do you really mean they understand your point of view? Everyone wants to be understood — so it stands to reason we’re really looking for people who understand us by surrounding ourselves with people like us. In fact, what often really happens is that people too similar to you can make you crazy, right? You don’t really need someone like you, you need someone who compliments you and brings out your strengths.

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I think our admiration for similar people is really about fitting in. We strive to find a tribe to belong to — geeks/nerds, jocks, stoners, cheerleaders, Democrats, Republicans, LGBT — the categories and subcategories are endless. When we find a group, it means we’re normal. There’s even a word for people who don’t feel like they fit in anywhere: misfits. However, they don’t want to associate with one another; they are striving to be like another group. But people are like snowflakes; no two are alike, and trying to find that perfect group of mirror images is an illusory quest. Being proudly different is the only way to fly. Maybe it’s somewhat narcissistic admiring someone for the qualities that you admire in yourself. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing; for example, if you admire someone for being a person of integrity that means that you too are a person of integrity. Who you admire helps show you who you are. I think it becomes cautionary when your admiration for their/your qualities give you the idea that you’re better than someone else. This was Narcissus’ challenge — he couldn’t see how anyone could be as lovely as him and that meant his life was no longer worth living. If this is where you are, might I suggest a private island — you won’t have to suffer the inferiority of the rest of us mere mortals. r Robyn Vie- Carpenter is a social columnist on the local and national LGBT community. See more of Robyn’s columns online at ofcnow.co/TLS or find her on Twitter@TheLesSocialite.

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

BLEED LIKE ME

All–American psychosis woman across from me sobbed uncon- sense. We tend to live in a world where good is BETWEEN THE HARD, FLAT PILLOW trollably. I secretly prayed that neither often not good enough — the new American way. and the nurse coming into my room would try to talk to me. Everyone else I spent another sleepless night now sharing my with a flashlight every 30 minutes, the just stared absent-mindedly at their room with a man who the police found bleeding at a idea of sleep seemed impossible. Instead food. I probably did the same. bus station after cutting himself. The next morning I of resting, my mind darted back and The day unfolded with various self- met with the social worker. After consulting with the forth questioning how I ended up in a help groups led by hospital staff. Thera- psychiatrist, they offered to release me if I agreed psychiatric unit. pists and patients gathered to go into an intensive outpatient Earlier that day I’d collapsed — as if to list the different ways program for people suffering from my brain imploded from all the pressure they can be more mindful stress and depression rather than psyI’d been putting myself under during chosis. I took their offer, even though it the last year. I couldn’t stand or speak. I Scott McGlothlen and loving to themselves. If those 48 It all just made me more meant I would have to take six weeks just laid on the floor with an occasional hours taught off work. Luckily FMLA would cover it tear running down my face. Terrified, my partner anxious. As soon as we got phone and my job would be safe. Luke scooped me up and drove me to the hospital. privileges, I called Luke and begged me anything, I was more than eager to leave The depression had been steadily building. Ini- him to bring me some real food it was that I when Luke picked me up that aftially I’d thought I was just moody and irritable, during visiting hours. had to change ternoon. Having spent the last Things got better when I sat down but Luke saw my decline better than anyone and my lifestyle seven years as a mental health case begged me to get help. I got on some anti-depres- with a psychiatrist. He didn’t just ask manager, I was terrified I would run sants, determined to figure out the rest of it on my me a couple questions and throw more pills my way like I had seen so into one of my clients. I gathered my own. It wasn’t enough. things and bid farewell to some of my The emergency room social worker decided to many do in my line of work. Instead, admit me to the psych ward. I didn’t know if I was he sat with me for over an hour and listened as I newfound crazy comrades. If those 48 hours taught me anything, it was that suicidal; I didn’t know much of anything except for spilled my guts about the stress I’d been under. The the fact that life felt absolutely awful and I couldn’t psychiatrist responded kindly and it didn’t hurt I had to change my lifestyle — to go beyond taking medications and get back to working on healing see a shred of hope in any of it. The staff took my that he was quite easy on the eyes. By that evening, I got to know some of the other myself, like I once had. clothes and replaced them with thin, scratchy patients in the psych ward. To my surprise, many hospital garb. The next morning I sat down to a disturbing were like me — young professionals overextend- Scott McGlothlen is a cultural columnist on life plate of toast, a banana and a carton of soymilk. ing themselves and suffering from burnout. Some as a HIV-positive gay man. r See more of Scott’s I shouldn’t have said anything about being vegan. of them hadn’t gotten help soon enough and ended columns online at ofcnow.co/scott or contact him at The guy to my left talked to himself while the up having full psychotic breakdowns. It made scott@outfrontonline.com.

OCTOBER 16, 2013

FOCUS

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

COVER STORY

By Josiah Hesse

BI THE WAY COMING OUT BI CAN LEAD TO MORE DISCRIMINATION, FREEDOM

Here’s a phrase you don’t hear often: “Moving to Texas made me a lot more open-minded.” Typically, someone calling her- or himself a Texan comes with a lot of baggage and assumptions: That person must be a Republican, pro-military, on the extreme ends of masculine or feminine appearance, have a manicured lawn and so forth. But when Jules Bethea moved from Aurora to Dallas she received one of her first lessons that stereotypes aren’t always accurate — or comfortable. “I didn’t even know gay people existed until I went to high school in Texas,” said Bethea, whose conservative upbringing didn’t allow for a nuanced approach to race relations, let alone sexuality. “Dallas had an amazing music scene, and a really amazing gay scene. I met this guy named Ronnie, and we both had fake IDs so we could go to the gay clubs and punk shows. Before moving to Texas, I hardly knew what sex was.”

>>>

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COVER STORY

OCTOBER 16, 2013

BETHEA

identified as straight at the time, graciously declining the advancements lesbians would make toward her on the dance floor. Comfortably attracted to men, that was enough for her. It wasn’t until returning to Denver in her 20s that small sparks of interest toward other women began to flicker. “I got a job at The Market downtown, and there was this girl Michelle who worked with me there,” Bethea said. “She had dark curly hair and the most amazing gap between her teeth. I began crushing on her hard, and having dreams about her. There was a strong physical attraction, but I didn’t do anything about it.” That was the mid ’90s, when the Riot Grrrl punk rock movement was bringing a new brand of lesbian identity into the consciousness of young American females. Bethea was firmly ingrained in Denver’s chapter of the community, but held on to her identity as a heterosexual,

“I used to take that from people,” she said, “but I don’t put up with that anymore.”

Sex advice columnist and LGBT activist Dan Savage has often been branded as “biphobic.” In the late ’90s Savage made some hostile comments toward those whose proclivities swing both ways, writing in a 1999 column, “avoiding bi guys is a good rule of thumb for gay men looking for long-term relationships.” Earlier that year a young lesbian had inquired of the Savage Love advice column what she should do about her bisexual girlfriend who was interested in a three way with a man; Savage advised that she should “Get yourself a refillable Xanax prescription, or get yourself an actual lesbian girlfriend.” After a deluge of criticism from the bisexual community, Savage has since renounced the anti-bi position and tempered his attitude toward bisexuality. Yet in 2011, the gay icon wrote an editorial in The Stranger that seemed to reinforce some lingering skepticism, stating that while he does believe some people who identify as such actually are bi, he doesn’t think they all are. “Many adult gays and lesbians identified as bi for a few shining moments during our adolescences and coming out processes,” he wrote. “We wanted to let our friends down easy; we didn’t want our families to think we’d gone over the dark side entirely. This can lead adult gays and lesbians — myself included — to doubt the professed sexual identities of bisexual teenagers. When I meet a bisexual teenage boy, for instance, I sometimes think to myself, ‘yeah, I was too at your age.’” Bisexual author and activist Robyn Ochs is skeptical of the claims that bisexuality can be a social buffer for young gays and lesbians looking to let their families down easy. “Embedded in Dan Savage’s statements is the assumption that it’s easier to identify as bisexual than as lesbian or gay,” she said. “A look at the data on minority stress will show that — in aggregate — bi and trans people have higher indicators of Dan Savage minority stress than lesbians or gay men. It’s not easier: it’s hard, just in slightly different ways. I believe that it takes a great deal of courage to come out publicly as bi.” Ochs defends Dan Savage’s statements as having some kernal of truth — she said that in her years of research, and living as a bisexual,

This newfound lesbian identity fit Bethea like a glove, and for several years she maintained a series of same-sex relationships and casual hookups. Yet even though sexual attraction toward women came easily to her, several of her hypermasculine friends in the music scene maintained that Jules Bethea was no lesbian — while at the same time, her maternal mates down at the gay bar would strongly proclaim “yes you are!” eventually becoming pregnant by an African American acquaintance — which lead to accusations from her disapproving, anti–racemixing family that she was only acting out in rebellion. This charge would only be amplified when Bethea — having little romantic connection to her child’s father — began exclusively dating women. “I was like ‘oh, I’m not straight, that’s what the problem is: I’m gay!’” she remembers of the night she brought her first same-sex lover home with her. “In retrospect I know that’s not what it was. I was just so in love with her, and had had so many relationships with men end badly. But all relationships end badly.” This newfound lesbian identity fit Bethea like a glove, and for several years she maintained a series of same-sex relationships and casual hookups. Yet even though sexual attraction toward women came easily to her, several of her hypermasculine friends in the music scene maintained that Jules Bethea was no lesbian — while at the same time, her maternal mates down at the gay bar would strongly proclaim “yes you are!” A destructive game of sexual tug-of-war ensued within the worlds she occupied. She was straight. She was gay. No one was considering that Bethea fell into a surprisingly common yet rarely acknowledged designation of sexual orientation. 18

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COVER STORY

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she’s found that “any identity can be a phase.” Citing a 1990 study by Ron Fox, Ochs explains that of approximately 1,000 self-identified bisexuals, it was found that 30 percent of them had previously identified as lesbian or gay. “I’ve met people who have identified as bi and then later as gay or lesbian, and I’ve also met people who who have identified as gay or lesbian and then later as bi. Unfortunately, the former narrative is often used to discount and invalidate all bi identities.” That was certainly the case with Jules Bethea. After discovering she enjoyed the physical company of males as well as females, Bethea was beginning to come to terms with an identity-free sexuality — though not everyone dealt with this transition so gracefully. “A lot of my lesbian friends were not happy,” she said. The disappointment wasn’t universal, but a large number dismissed her as “‘a straight girl fooling around with lesbians,’” Bethea said. “They were like, ‘you don’t get to be a lesbian if you’re going to sleep with guys.’ And I was like, maybe I’m not a lesbian? I don’t know what I am. I don’t care. I’ve had black boyfriends, white boyfriends, I’ve had two major relationships with women. I’m not dabbling. I stopped caring after a while and settled on calling myself bi.” Last month the pop culture website Buzzfeed posted a video titled “What Lesbians Think of Bisexuals” in which a series of interviewed lesbians were first asked for a word association with “bisexual,” leading to responses like “greedy,” “rare,” and “confused.” Next, they were each presented with the hypothetical scenario of meeting a beautiful, magnetic girl at a party; they approach her with interest, then find out she’s bisexual. All but one of the featured lesbians said they would completely lose interest in the woman after this discovery, with the one outlier stipulating, “if she had a really good personality, if she could make me laugh, I might be able to get past the fact that she once had a dick in her mouth.” There’s a cold irony in that, considering this has been the plight of those with same-sex interest throughout history. Bethea has now been married to local musician Nathaniel Rateliff for five years, and in that time has received the I-told-you-youwere-straight dismissal from both gays and heterosexuals. Ochs, the author, has also been involved in several mixed-orientation relationships. Currently married to a lesbian, she certainly doesn’t think all lesbians feel the way the Buzzfeed interviews suggest, but believes that “lesbians resistant to dating bi women are operating out of two frames: first, the fear that, no matter what you have to offer, you will not be able to compete with the social approval, power and privileges given to those in (heterosexual) relationships. And second, people in oppressed groups sometimes feel safer drawing clear lines between ‘us’ and ‘them.’ And they may perceive bi women as ‘not us’ and therefore dangerous.” >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

Sante Suffoletta has been on Denver’s Pride committee for 10 years, but for the first two of those years he was not out as a bisexual. His associations with the swinger community and other bisexuals raised suspicions, and when he eventually came out as bi, there were some who took exception to his participation in Pride. “The Center received some letters about me hosting the dance stage,” he said. “It was the same stuff I’ve heard said about other bisexuals: ‘he’s not gay enough to be involved in this.’ There’s a struggle that gay people go through when they come out, and I think a lot of folks might feel entitled to make Pride specifically about being gay because of those struggles. When we think of equal rights, a lot of the time we think of gay rights, because those people are afraid of coming out at the workplace, losing friends, or being looked down upon. But bisexuals aren’t usually out, so they often don’t experience that. They could be married to a man or a woman of the opposite sex.” Like Bethea, Suffoletta didn’t explore the same-sex attraction within him until his 20s, when he returned to his home of Colorado and

Currently, Suffoletta has kept his relationships with men more casual. As one of the organizers and key players of Denver’s kink/ swinger community, he regularly acts on his attraction to men, but has never entered a long-term committed relationship with a man. Resembling how some queer-identified persons describe their gender identity, Suffoletta says that his attraction to men versus women is a day-to-day fluctuation. “In my experience, I see a lot of bisexuals with different levels of attraction to men or women,” he said. “I’m sexually attracted to both, but not equally. I’ve never dated or been emotionally attached to a man. On some days, I’m really attracted to men, and some days it’s women; it’s a sliding scale. I think that’s maybe something that causes the gay or straight community to be dismissive of bisexuals, because a lot of the time its a sexual attraction and not an emotional one.” In his late 20s, Suffoletta had put the breaks on his makeout sessions at the gay clubs and entered a committed relationship with a woman. After five years the couple was eager to get married and spend the rest of their lives together, but Suffoletta had not yet come out to his fiance about his multi-dynamic sexuality, and was concerned that she would react with the same skepticism that so many lesbian women have toward bisexuality. “But that went away quickly,” he said, “because she saw I was attracted to her and committed to what we were involved in. She

“I’m sexually attracted to both, but not equally. I’ve never dated or been emotionally attached to a man. On some days, I’m really attracted to men, and some days it’s women; it’s a sliding scale. I think that’s maybe something that causes the gay or straight community to be dismissive of bisexuals, because a lot of the time its a sexual attraction and not an emotional one.” – Sante Suffoletta began visiting the gay clubs. “I would go to gay clubs and flirt, make out with guys,” he said. “I didn’t know what I wanted, because I enjoyed both. I was always open about being bi when I’d go to places like Tracks, and I’ve never had a gay man react negatively to that. I found that lesbians tend to be more hesitant about accepting bisexuality than gay men, because gay men are usually more open in their relationships than lesbians. I think if you’re in a relationship with someone and they think you’re gay, then you come out as bi, that could be threatening, and someone could be hurt. Which is different than meeting someone on the dance floor and sharing a kiss.” 20

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COVER STORY

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didn’t feel threatened by me potentially leaving her for another man. She encouraged me to explore this side of myself.” That led Suffoletta to the swinger community, where a lot of bisexual men and women tend to gather. Through parties and online forums, those with more a more fluid approach to sexual encounters could engage in a scene that was free of any of the misunderstandings that come with socializing in gay or straight clubs. “Similar to when someone’s gay, there’s a community of people who can help them with that process. Straight people don’t really have to deal with that. Most bisexuals I know are comfortable hanging out with other bisexuals, because they realize sexuality isn’t black and white.” Now single, Suffoletta continues to work on the Pride committee (he is currently developing a bisexual march for next year’s Pride Parade) and runs his own bisexual event company, InVision Events, which hosts gatherings for Denver’s swing, kink and poly communities. “With the couples who come to my events, there will be dynamics where the girl is bi and the guy is straight, or a transgender guy with a bisexual girl, or gay couples who just want to play,” he said. “It’s more the sexual aspect, than looking for relationships.” “A lot of the time I’ll see a man and a woman and you could assume they’re both straight, and it turns out they’re bi.” While some consider it offensive to use a term like “gaydar,” the gay and lesbian community has often set itself up with certain tropes (regarding things like fashion, body language, career choices and others) that help others identify their sexuality. Rather than conscious self-labeling, this could be merely the result of a community that has endured cultural isolation from mainstream society, and certain artistic or lifestyle choices sprung out in response. But with so many bisexuals still in the closet, stories like Suffoletta’s are still about the pioneering stages of creating a bisexual community — there isn’t yet a set of community signifiers for bisexuality. “We attach some weird things to sex,” said Jules Bethea. “When you come out as gay — even if you are in a place where it’s not safe to be gay — you have an identity. You get this whole package that defines you politically and artistically. But it’s not that easy. I don’t necessarily want to be in any category.” Bethea understands the skepticism that Dan Savage and others may have when confronted with a self-identified bisexual. But like gays and lesbians confronted with those who’ve doubted the sincerity of their orientation, especially in the pre-Stonewall era, all she has to represent herslef is her own hardearned self-discovery. “If I hadn’t experienced it in my body and mind, I don’t know if I would believe in bisexuality intellectually,” she said. “But since I’m living in it, I have to.”

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CHILDREN ARE BROUGHT INTO LGBT families in several different ways. In some families, one partner may have adopted a child prior to the relationship, or may have donated an egg or sperm, causing that partner to be the child’s legal parent. Prior to the enactment of the civil unions law, the non-legal parent gained legal parent status through a second parent adoption. If the non-legal partner did not adopt the child, that partner was not considered that child’s legal parent and faced significant hurdles in asserting rights to the child in the event the relationship was terminated. This was even true in cases where the child was conceived during the relationship. The civil unions law has now granted partners to a civil union certain presumptions and rights, including the right to stepparent adoption. With these new rights comes a new question: What is the difference between second versus stepparent adoptions, and which should I chose? STEPPARENT ADOPTION If a child is conceived during a civil union with one parent as the biological parent, Colorado law now presumes parentage on behalf of the non-biological parent. Although this is a huge step forward, this presumption does not exist when a child is conceived prior to the union, and negative consequences can still arise if the family moves to a state where their union is not recognized. In these cases, and in cases where a child is adopted by only one of the partners, Colorado law now allows the non-legal parent in a civil union to jointly petition with their

partner for a stepparent adoption. This process is slightly less arduous than a second parent adoption because a home study is not required. Stepparent adoptions also provide additional rights and protections between the non-biological parent and the child, such as recognizing the parent–child relationship for federal benefit purposes and protecting their rights in other states. Importantly, however, stepparent adoptions may only be granted when a valid civil union exists. SECOND PARENT ADOPTION Second parent adoption is available to all families, and is the only option if a civil union does not exist. The purpose is to bring two legally unrelated people together to provide a child with two legal parents in cases where only one legal parent exists. Second parent adoptions require that an invasive home study be performed, and they can be more costly than a stepparent adoption. When a civil union does not exist, second parent adoption is the only method that gives both parents the same legal rights to the child, including the right to consent to medical treatment for the child, rights to parenting time and decision making responsibility, and rights to the child should the other partner become incapacitated or deceased. As a family, the needs of your child must take priority. Given the uncertainties that still exist under the ever-evolving law, the best way to ensure your family’s protection is with an adoption, and seeking legal counsel to assist you is strongly advised.

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Cooking without recipes By Jeffrey Steen

When I was a wee little Steen, but 10 apples high, I would amble into the kitchen on Sunday afternoon to find my mother with her arms elbow-deep in a mixing bowl, a brightly colored apron tied snugly around her waist and the oven glowing in eager anticipation. On the counter would sit a hodgepodge of measuring cups, half-used sticks of butter and impressively large bags of white flour. I could never figure out what was in the bowl, but somewhere in the mire of ingredients I could usually make out a dog-eared index card smeared with blue ink: a recipe.

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I don’t suppose a mother (or father) beaded with sweat in the kitchen before mealtime was anything out of the ordinary for most of us, and I have certainly carried that wonderful tradition of home cooking to my own house, life and family. But there is a subtle difference between my mother and me. She uses recipes; I do not. I might argue, brimming with pride and accomplishment, that I went to culinary school. Such education is designed to do away with meddlesome recipe cards, and I’ve paid significant time and money for the right to dismiss such things. But my mother — an exceptional cook in her own right — has long retorted that a cook must start with a recipe to earn the right to tweak, alter and cook without written direction. This proves a sticky issue when she and I cook together. We’re used to owning our own kitchens, and each have our own methods. When streams are crossed, unfortunate guests can feel the tension simmer: ingredients are usurped, methods corrected, pans fly, disagreements bubble. Through the years, I’ve come to think more and more about this recipe business. I’ll likely always cook the way I write — sitting down to an empty dish and imagining what might be. Oh sure, I’ll be inspired by Yan Can Cook on a rainy Tuesday, or a dish that one chef made that one time on Create TV. I’ll remember a sauce that caught my palate, or a technique I haven’t tried. But then I turn to my own kitchen, and, using nothing but vague and distant memories, create. Never mind a cookbook. Never a recipe. You might say it’s a pride thing. How many of us watch the Bobby Flays of the culinary world cook on TV and say to ourselves, “Well hell, I could do that?” And if I went to culinary school — well, I’d better be able to do it. That’s what I paid for, right? But there’s something to the creation element

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of cooking that demands, for me, a complete independence from instruction. I’m going to make it mine, through and through. That means no recipes (that I would have to partially credit if the meal is a success). Which is why you’ll likely never eat the same meal twice at my house. I’ll have the same idea in mind — Pasta Bolognese, Salmon Ceviche, Chicken Stew — but it’s different each time. That’s okay by me — it’s a little bit of adventure, right? Then it dawns on me: I was trained to cook European cuisine. You know, pastas, grilled steaks, heavy French sauces, chicken roulades, schnitzel. But do I know the first thing about Pad Thai? Hell no. And because of my deepseated aversion to recipe reliance, I will likely never attempt a dish outside my ken. No Asian, no South American, no Australian. Just eat your mint-studded lamb shank and shut the hell up. I know many a chef whose careers have launched them to near stardom. Some are still humble about their success and cook with a fiery passion and genuine interest, ever willing to learn new things. Others carve out their niche and stay there. What’s worse, they’re often prideful about it: puffed up toques who think they’re the shit. These are the kinds of personalities I see littering TV screens: the Bobby Flays, the Mario Batalis, the Ming Tsais. Then it hits, bumbling through a new pasta dish I saw on Good Morning America: I’m the very same person. I’m impossible about this recipe business, and disgusted by the very idea of them. Perhaps it’s time to put aside the pans and read a cookbook or two, and maybe have someone show me how to make a proper Sri Lankan curry or Chinese dim sum. There’s nothing wrong with growing one’s repertoire, right? But fair warning, you brave souls: it might take a shot or two of whiskey for me to loosen up.

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

HIGH SOCIETY

The Book of Mormon Oct. 22 - Nov. 24 Curtis & 14th • Denver r DenverCenter.org

The 36th Annual Starz Denver Film Festival

The Full Monty

Sept. 6 - Nov. 9 5501 Arapahoe Ave. • Boulder r bouldersdinnertheatre.com

By Steve Cruz THE 36TH ANNUAL STARZ DENVER FILM Festival brings world culture to the screens and audiences in Denver Nov. 6 through Nov. 17. This year all Festival screenings will take place at the Sie FilmCenter, The United Artists Denver Pavilions 15 and Ellie Caulkins Opera House. Festival Box Offices will be at the FilmCenter and the Pavilions. Tickets may also be purchased online at DenverFilm.org.

Handsome Little Devils

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Annie

Nov. 15 - Dec. 29 2450 W Main St. • Littleton r townhallartscenter.com

Margaret Cho at Paramount Theatre • Oct. 18 1621 Glenarm Place • Denver r www.paramountdenver.com

From Paris to Broadway

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

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RED CARPET EVENTS The Film Festival red carpet events are always a highlight. I recall seeing an unknown film that was supposed to go straight to video, but the filmmaker’s passion rescued it from such a fate: Slumdog Millionaire. This year kicks off with Opening Night, Wednesday, Nov. 8 at 6 p.m. at the Ellie Caulkins Opera House. This year’s featured film is Labor Day, Jason Reitman’s fifth film starring Kate Winslet as a single mom and Josh Brolin as an escaped convict with a full toolbox of domestic skills. Catherine Shoard of The Guardian wrote, “Reitman’s fifth feature appears to bear little resemblance to the four that went before. Thank You For Smoking, Juno, Up In The Air and Young Adult all shared a taste for whip-crack chat and smart cultural reference… this is different… He dares us to care.” The second red carpet event is Nov. 9, 8 p.m. at the Ellie Caulkins Opera House. The new film from Alexander Payne, Nebraska, stars Bruce Dern and Will Forte, as well as a gaggle of Hollywood’s most beloved white-haired character actors and many local extras. Shot in black and white, it centers around a cantankerous old man who believes he has won a million dollars, based on a clearly fictitious sweepstakes letter he received in the mail. His son, knowing the letter is a ruse, steps forward to drive him the 800 miles, in hopes of spending quality father/son time. Payne knows how to bring the humanity, with former projects including Sideways and The Descendants. Dern won the Best Actor award at Cannes and many expect him to scoop his first Oscar nomination in 35 years. OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

Closing Night concludes the red carpet events on Saturday, Nov. 16 at 8 p.m. at the Ellie Caulkins Opera House. The feature film has not yet been announced.

GAY/LESBIAN TITLES Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? (Taiwan) Optician Weichung is promoted to manager at the family eyeglass store and the shops retiring owner floats blissfully into a blue sky. This is when we realize this is no ordinary rom-com. A family man and father is contemplating having another child with his wife when the homosexual feelings he has long repressed are stirred by new circumstances and won’t be denied. Although Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? (yes, based on the classic Shirelles song) is very broad — perhaps too much so for arthouse audiences — it is deeply heartfelt. In The Name Of (Poland) A Catholic priest working with troubled teens encounters what most repressed gays fear: advances from a gay person who recognizes you and calls you out. He is able to decline the advances of a young woman, but when he meets Lukasz, a rural youth, his homosexuality becomes burdensome. This film is making waves for its stunning imagery, classic artist concepts of The Christ recreated in this film help to underscore a young priest’s struggle and some of the absurdities of religion. Vic+Flo Saw a Bear (France) With the smashing success of TV program Orange is the New Black, lesbian convicts seem to have replaced the tawdry tropes of yesteryear’s “vixens behind bars” pulp films. Vic+Flo are Victoria and Florence, two ex-cons trying to forge a new life in the backwoods of Quebec. They feel under siege as Vic’s probation officer hounds them, and a woman in the neighborhood turns out to be a shadow from Flo’s past. Director Denis Côté’s film captured the 2013 Silver Bear prize at the Berlin International Film Festival.

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

CAFE VIVID performances — Oct. 24 and Oct. 31, both at 7:30 p.m. >> more info online at ofcnow. co/yq7

REEWIND AND ROLL, Denver’s largest disco and roller dance party at 9:00 p.m. at Tracks >> 3500 Walnut St. >> more info online at ofcnow.co/dUa

MONDAY, OCTOBER 21 FORBIDDEN BINGO WITH DJ ROCKSTAR AARON 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. at Maloney’s Tavern >> 1432 Market St.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 26 SPOOKTACULAR! SPOOKTACULAR! WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 16 THE 13TH FLOOR HAUNTED HOUSE Explore the legend of the thirteenth floor, voted the scariest haunted house in Colorado by MTV. Open every night through Halloween, Monday through Thursday from 7:30 p.m. to 11 pm., Friday and Saturday from 7 p.m. to midnight, and Sunday from 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. at 4120 Brighton Blvd. Bldg. C.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 17 4 ACES BINGO WITH THE IMPERIAL COURT OF THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN EMPIRE 16000 E. Colfax Ave., Aurora >> more info online at ofcnow.co/7H5

The Mile High Freedom Band’s annual Halloween musical cabaret at Kim Robards Dance at 3 p.m. >> more info online at ofcnow.co/IlR

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 8 BABES AROUND DENVER’S FIRST FRIDAY The nation’s largest women’s party, at Tracks from 6 p.m. to close >> 3500 Walnut St. >> more info online at ofcnow.co/k10

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 12 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE TOUR 8 p.m. at the Broomfield First Bank Center, tickets $38.50 to $58.50 >> 11450 Broomfield Lane, Broomfield.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 18 IGNITE THEATRE PRESENTS AVENUE Q The adult laugh-out-loud puppet musical (that’s a mouth full) is back. Playing at 7:30 p.m. on Fridays and Saturdays and 2:30 p.m. on Sundays through Nov. 3, the Ignite Theatre Company will stage this performance at the Aurora Fox Theatre at 9900 E. Colfax Ave., in Aurora. Tickets for adults are $28. There will also be two Thursday

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WEEKLY SPECIALS FROM OUT FRONT’S LGBT INCLUSIVE BAR PARTNERS.

e Aqua Lounge – Facebook.com/Aqua.Denver Tuesdays: Mile Hi Bullseye Dart League. Open play and free darts at 10 p.m., league play at 7 p.m. Wednesdays: Wet Wednesday Dance party with DJ Tatiana and GoGo Dancers; 75 cent beers, $2 wells, $4 Absolut. Thursdays: Karaoke hosted by Dave Myers at 8 p.m.; half-price bar from 8-9 p.m. e Blush & Blu – BlushBluBar.com DAILY HAPPY HOUR: $3 wells, vino, domestics, lattes; $1.50 PBR’s; $4 shots of Fireball 3 p.m.-7 p.m. Fridays: Karaoke at 9 p.m. Sundays: Molly’s famous $4 Bloody’s e BoyzTown – BoyzTownDenver.com DAILY HAPPY HOUR: MondayThursday: 3 p.m. till 8 p.m. Friday–Sunday: noon to 8 p.m. Mondays–Thursdays: Absolut $4.50 “U Call” Fridays & Sundays: Stoli $4.50 “U Call” Fridays–Sundays: 3Olives $4.50 “U Call” e Compound Basix – CompoundDenver.com DAILY HAPPY HOUR: 7am til 10am and 5pm til 8pm, $2.50 Wells, $3.00 Domestic Longnecks & $2.00 Drafts! FRIDAY & SATURDAY DANCE PARTIES: $4.00 JagerBombs all night long! BEER BUSTS: Fridays, Saturdays, & Sundays 6pm til 10pm for $8.00. BLOWPONY 303 “A Klub Kid Renion” Sat. 10/19 e Charlie’s – CharliesDenver.com DAILY BEER SPECIAL: $4 for a 32 oz. domestic pitcher and $8 for a premium pitcher Thursdays: 1/2 price night. Fridays: $10 Buddy Beer Bust, 5 p.m. $3 Absolut, 9 p.m. Saturdays: $5 Beer Bust, 2 p.m. Sunday: Drag show, 9 p.m.–ish e El Potrero – Facebook.com/el.potrero.180 28

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No cover on Wednesdays and Fridays. Wednesdays: Drag Wednesdays with 2-for-1 beers, $3 rum, and vodka specials, $2 drafts Fridays: Go-Go Fridays with $2 rum and vodka specials, $2 drafts, $5 Jose Cuervo, $15 beer buckets and $5 Jager shots e Hamburger Mary’s – hamburgermarys.com/denver HOURS OF OPERATION: 11 a.m. to 2 a.m., Thursday through Saturday. Visit website for specials. e Li’l Devils – LilDevilsLounge.com Wednesdays: $4 22 ounces tanks of your choice. Sundays: Trivia Night. Compete for free drinks and bar tabs, starting at 7:30 p.m., $3 Smirnoff. e Tracks – TracksDenver.com Thursdays: Superstar Night, 18 + dance party; Cover: 18-20 $10, 21+ $5 after 10 p.m. Saturdays: Elevated Saturdays; 2-for-1 drinks between 9 p.m. -10 p.m.; No cover before 10 p.m. e Wrangler – DenverWrangler. com Wednesdays: Geeks who Drink Pub Trivia 8 p.m., $2 house vodka, Bud and Coors pints Saturdays: $3 Svedka 2nd Saturday SWEET, 5th Saturday RETRO SWEET! Sundays: $8 Legendary Beer Bust (4-8 p.m.) e X Bar – XBarDenver.com Monday–Saturday: BOGO happy hour 3 p.m. – 6 p.m. Sunday: $5 lemonade buckets all day FOR TWITTER UPDATES AND INTERACTIVE MAP GO TO OFCNOW. CO/BTAB

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ON THE SCENE

e Martinis and Misbehaving BLACK CROWN LOUNGE x

Oct. 6

photos by Charles Broshous The Black Crown Lounge is a great place to enjoy fine cocktails, great music, conversation, delicious food and extravagant décor (which is available for purchase).The live entertainers bring a variety of styles ranging from American songbook, jazz standards and Broadway, to classical and easy-listening sounds. Out Front stopped by on October 6th to check out “Martinis and Misbehaving”, Cora Vette’s new jazz show. The show, which runs on Sunday nights from 7 to 10pm, celebrates vintage jazz from the 1920s through the 1950s. Visit blackcrownlounge.com to learn more.

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

RADIOACTIVE VISION

One size-queen does not fit all As gay men we are obsessed with size. We like big homes, big cars, big bank accounts, and yes, big wieners. I am not sure about this but I am going out on a limb to say lesbians probably are obsessed with big boobs and … big trucks, too.

OCTOBER 16, 2013

people are gifted as talented tops and But there’s a point when big becomes too some people are not. The same differencbig. Buy a mansion and you have to clean es hold true for the other side of the coin. all 40 rooms, or hire someone who will. God skipped over me when he was asBuy too big of a car and you’ll never get that signing those gifts — ain’t nothing going garage door shut. Have too much money in there, no matter how much you insist. … well, that’s never really a problem. But Oh, people have tried and pried and when you unzip a fly and staring at you, pleaded. There have even been a few with its one good eye, is a monster of a man times when I was willing to saddle up the meat, the first thing out of your mouth, white pony, but, ouch, it just isn’t gonna besides “Mfthmmrfth,” is “that’s not going work out. anywhere the sun don’t shine.” People say you can — ahem — stretch Oh, I know there are some power Nuclia Waste out your comfort zone (pun intended) to bottoms out there who would disagree. They would throttle the joystick of a blue whale experience more in life. But really, who has time for if they could hold their breath under water long that? I have more important things to do than to acenough. More power to them. cessorize with some anal beads. Oh sure, it sounds As a big top, I do appreciate like jewelry, but really not so much. Besides, I am happy as a stallion to be in a room full those who have that gift. (Oh, by So the next time the way, most drag queens are of nelly bottoms. I like being a top and there always you find yourself tops, in case inquiring minds seems to be a shortage of them in any gay gathering. in a room full want to know. I guess we’re just I am happy to fill in that gap…pun intended. of nakedness, So the next time you find yourself in a room full of a take-charge kind of girls.) remember that Everyone talks about the size nakedness, remember that we all come in many difwe all come in of the penis. There’s a lot less ferent shapes and sizes. One size does not fit all. But many different shapes and sizes. talk about the person at the re- it sure is fun trying. One size does not ceiving end’s — ahem — assets. Pun intended. Why is that? Nuclia Waste, the triple-nipple drag queen of comedy, is fit all. But it sure Some people are born with Out Front’s radioactive cultural columnist. r See more is fun trying. large penises and some people columns at ofcnow.co/nuclia or contact her through her are born with small ones, some website at NucliaWaste.com.

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

BEAUTY

Rebel Wilson, photographed by Robert Maxwell.

Embracing our imperfections

By Kelsey Lindsey

I knew a recent copy of New York Magazine was going to be good as soon as I got it in the mail. There she was, staring back at me in all her comedic genius: Rebel Wilson. The plus-size star of Bridesmaids and Pitch Perfect, she is known for making self-deprecating jokes around her weight, both on-screen and during interviews. Case and point: Her character in Pitch Perfect bluntly refers to herself as Fat Amy, so the “twigs” in college wouldn’t do it behind her back.

In the article, they described the trouble Wilson has encountered in Hollywood around her weight — more specifically concerning her nonchalant attitude toward looking attractive on screen. Producers and costume designers just can’t comprehend how she genuinely doesn’t care to be pretty while in character, how she trivializes her appearance while parading around in ill-fitting dresses and jumpsuits. More interested in portraying her characters accurately, she “sacrifices” her image for her acting, a true commitment in the image-obsessed world of Hollywood. Wilson might also be pulling a clever trick on all the naysayers who love to give their (mostly unwanted) opinion on pop culture fashion and beauty. In addressing her weight in a no-nonsense, “yep this is me” style, Wilson has stolen the ammunition that could be used against her. How can they call her out for being overweight when she’s already done it a hundred ways herself? Being confident enough to call out her own imperfections — at least what popular culture labels as imperfections — she seems to have found a way to shut down some of the bullies that inevitably follow fame. Thinking about Wilson’s brave attitude toward her appearance and weight, I began to wonder if I could ever adapt that sort of style 34

OCTOBER 16, 2013

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Top right, Wilson’s New York Magazine cover

with believability. Sure, we’ve all done it before — professed our physical insecurities in hopes of receiving some form of affirmation from our peers. But Wilson’s point of view seems different from this type of insecure self-bashing. Instead of “I want to lose three pounds,” she declares; “yep, I’m fat, and happy.” She isn’t looking for positive reinforcement from girlfriends. She already has it; she supplies it for herself. It’s easy to say that this is the type of attitude that will topple bullying for good — if you’re OK with your flaws, there are none for a bully to use against you. But this confidence is all too easy to point out, and hard to adapt. There are plenty of campaigns promoting that people can be perfect. Wilson’s attitude seems to instead require one to truly look and acknowledge physical attributes that will never conform to society’s overwhelmingly high bar of beauty. It requires an acceptance of that with a confidence to bring these attributes center stage through self-deprecation. Wilson makes this look easy. I’m not quite sure it is. Kelsey Lindsey is Out Front’s beauty columnist writing from an affirming perspective on being your best you. r See more beauty columns at ofcnow.co/ beauty.

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

FAITH

Celebrating at the crossroads of life and death By Paul Anderson

Our American culture is one that “celebrates.” We celebrate holidays, accomplishments, significant challenges and milestones. Our celebrations are gatherings with laughter, shouting, dancing, hugging, plenty of joy and excitement. In our culture we find it difficult to celebrate personal loss, failure or even finishing second. Although death is a natural part of life, it is especially challenging for us to celebrate when we experience death of a loved one. There is often shock, denial, pain, guilt, bargaining, anger, depression and loneliness. At the same time we are experiencing these feelings we are trying to answer the question of “why?” If the death is due to natural cause or a long-term illness, some of those feeling may have already begun to be addressed. In either situation, it is an exhausting and often confusing time. Historically, religious affiliation has often determined how family and friends of a loved one who passes away will answer the big questions of life and death, and gather for a wake, funeral or memorial service, helping each other move from a place of shock, denial, anger, hurt and confusion toward a place of acceptance and hope. Today, and especially in the LGBT community, more and more families and circles of friends contain a diverse mix of religious traditions or beliefs or are not affiliated with a religion or church, and process their loss in different ways. 36

OCTOBER 16, 2013

Many people call this gathering a “Celebration of Life,” sometimes held in addition to a prescribed religious ceremony and sometimes as the main gathering, whether it is interdenominational, interfaith or nonreligious. The title reflects how people are choosing to respond to their loss, choosing to find a more helpful balance between mourning and celebrating their loved one’s life. They are finding that in celebrating the life of their loved one in ways that are personal and unique there is a sense of healing, and they are able to more effectively move toward acceptance, hope and peace, individually and also as a family or community with a unique mix of beliefs and values. After the death of a loved one, often the simplest tasks are difficult to accomplish. Organizing and scheduling what is to be done is often an overwhelming task. Our energy level and ability to think clearly often comes to a standstill. There are so many decisions that need to be made — the venue or setting, an officiant and speakers, performances or music, tokens of remembrance, ceremonies, transportation, food and many others — and it seems so difficult to sort out, that having LIVING

people you can trust and can be there to help you is a gift. When we are in the initial stages of grief, it can feel very unnatural for us to celebrate. Our tendencies are to focus entirely on that which has come to an end, and our personal loss. In times like these, often we resort to that which has been done in the past — the familiar, the traditional, the religious and the structured and ritualistic. Our culture is changing though. Gatherings that are more personal and unique are seen as more effective in helping those participating move forward. When the people, the setting and what is said and done is within the comfort zone of loved ones and reflects their character, lifestyle and beliefs, you have the ingredients of a meaningful, significant Celebration of Life. When these three aspects are present and complement each other, the Celebration of Life has a healing affect in our lives, emotionally and spiritually. Paul Anderson is the director of the Celebrations of Life Division at Forté Events Inc. where he helps people celebrate the lives of loved ones. r Contact him at paul@ forteevents.com.

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LGBT-FRIENDLY INTERFAITH AND SECULAR RESOURCES FOR FACING LOSS Humanists of Colorado www.humanistsofcolorado.org info@humanistsofcolorado.org 720-275-9513 Unitarian Universalists of Colorado www.coloradouu.org info@coloradouu.org 303-756-1378 (Regional UU office) GLBT Community Center of Colorado www.coloradoglbt.org 303-733-7743 (Denver) 970-221-3247 (Northern Colorado) Grief Beyond Belief — Facebook support group www.facebook.com/ faithfreegriefsupport Grief Recovery Handbook, by John W. James and Russel Friedman Shalom Cares www.shalomcares.org 303-680-5000 Metro Crisis Services (mental health) 888-885-1222 www.metrocrisisservices.org

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

URBANISM

How do you get around? By Ken Schroeppel Y CURRENTLY, THERE IS AN EXCITING expansion of new and alternative ways of getting around Denver’s urban core other than driving your own car. Having a lot of transportation options is an important part of urbanism, and one of the reasons why Denver’s center city population is exploding: people like to have choices. Let’s take a look: PUBLIC TRANSIT We’ve had various forms of public transit in Denver since the 1870s when the first horse-drawn streetcars started operating on Denver streets. RTD already has one of the largest bus systems in the country and, recently, RTD has been adding rail transit to the mix, with train lines from Downtown running to the southeast, southwest, and western parts of the metro area, and new rail lines soon serving areas to the northwest, north, northeast, and east. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait until Spring 2016 when I

OCTOBER 16, 2013

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can take a train from Denver Union Station straight into the terminal at Denver International Airport in 35 minutes flat! BICYCLE INFRASTRUCTURE Denver Public Works continues to add dozens of miles of bike lanes throughout the city, including the new 15th Street Bikeway. Additionally, launched in 2010, Denver B-cycle, the nation’s first large-scale bicycle sharing system, offers more than 80 stations within Denver’s urban center where you can rent a bike for a short-term trip. Not only is riding a bike a fun and healthy experience, but it is also better on the environment too. DENVER CAR2GO Have you seen the cute little car2go SmartCars all over town? They’re everywhere! If riding a bike or walking just won’t work and you need to drive, Denver car2go now gives Denverites a fuel-efficient car-sharing option that is easy and convenient.

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PEDESTRIAN INFRASTRUCTURE In 2007, Denver City Council declared Downtown Denver a “Pedestrian Priority Zone.” Since then, new pedestrian-friendly upgrades like along 14th Street have been added, with more to come. PEDICABS Denver’s pedicab industry, which includes pedicab, rickshaw, and golf cart taxi transport services, has grown dramatically over the past few years. These are just some of the transportation options in Denver’s city center. You don’t have to own and drive a car anymore to be able to survive and thrive in central Denver. Thousands of Denverites can testify. r Ken Schroeppel is a Denver urban planner and the founder of denverinfill.com, a website and blog that reports on Denver construction projects and urban development. Ken also teaches urban and regional planning at the University of Colorado at Denver.

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HALLOWEEN EVENTS THE BARKER LOUNGE ADAMS FAMILY EVENTS: Oct. 31 – Nov. 2 Pumpkin Spice Martinis $4, Grave Digger $3, Long Island Iced Teas $3 Costume Contest Oct. 31. Registration starts at 9 p.m., judging at 11 p.m. BLACK CROWN LOUNGE PHANTOM OF THE CROWN EVENTS: Oct. 31 Caramel Apple Martinis $8, Blue Ghoul Shots $5 Prize for the best Phantom costume and best overall Broadway Character costume. Contest at 10pm This is a special edition of Black Crown’s “Broadway on Broadway” sing-a-long, featuring the music from Phantom of the Opera! BLUSH & BLU A VERY SCARY COLFAX HALLOWEEN! EVENTS: Oct. 25 – Oct. 31

OCTOBER 16, 2013

Oct. 27: Orange is the New Black marathon and theme party! 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. Wear orange and black, and get half off your drinks all day! Oct. 31: Pimps and Hos Halloween Costume Party! Cash prizes and bar tabs for the best costumes, and most creative costume inventions! BOYZTOWN NIGHTS OF THE WALKING DEAD EVENTS: Oct. 25, 26 Costume contests at midnight with $250 for first place both nights. Zombie juice drink specials through July 27. CHARLIE’S THE CIRCUS EVENTS: Oct. 31 – Nov. 3 Oct. 31: Denver’s original half-price night. Nov. 2: Costume contest

LIVING

with $500 cash and $500 bar tab for first place. LI’L DEVILS DEVIL-WEEN EVENTS: all month long Oct. 25: Full moon madness, half-off drinks rom 10 p.m. to midnight Oct. 26 and Oct. 31: Devil’s ball costume contest registration is at 9 p.m. and 8 p.m. respectively. Prizes include cash and bar tabs TRACKS DYERSVILLE, CO EVENTS: Oct. 25, 26, 31 Oct. 25: Drag Nation with Nina Flowers and Jiggly Caliente. Pre-sell tickets are $10, $12 at the door. $5.50 Absolut cocktails. Oct. 31: Prepare to be transported back in time to an abandoned mining town of horror … one that actually existed right here in

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Colorado. $2,000 cash prize costume contest. WRANGLER HEAVEN AND HELL EVENTS: Oct. 25, 26, 31 Oct. 26: Enter the bar through hell in the back alley at 8 p.m. Costume contest at 10 p.m. All Svedka flavors are $3 and all domestic bottles are $3.50, 8 p.m. to close. Oct. 31 - Hottest Jock contest at 10 p.m., Charity beer bust for SASL softball teams 8 p.m. to midnight. X BAR COSTUME CONTEST EVENTS: Oct. 31 – Nov. 2 $5.50 Absolut, $6 Jameson and $3 Patron X/O all weekend Oct. 31: Costume contest with prizes including a Jameson snowboard and $250 fro Absolut Nov. 2: Reality TV Star theme

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OCTOBER 16, 2013

SEXUALITY

ASK THE SEXPERT

Addressing disability with insight

Sexual harassment — now available in men’s “The next time a guy checks out my junk in the bathroom, I’m gonna knock his ass out,” my buddy Cal* said, storming past me in a mall years ago. When I caught up to him, he was speaking through gritted teeth and no longer felt like shopping. “Why do I have to get sexually harassed every time I pee in a public restroom?” (Cal is gay, by the way.) When we got to the parking lot, he was still fighting mad at “that dude!” who unabashedly eye-molested him. Cal said a lot of things I’ve heard later in life from ticked-off, creeped-out women who are sick of similar treatment. The brief and unwelcome advance of someone who made him feel sexually and physically vulnerable ruined his simple anticipation of having a good time out. He was angrier than I’d ever seen him. As we sat in the car, he vented, squeezing his hands into fists as he recounted some particularly grimy rest stop encounters, where (at least once) a man stood outside his stall and spied him through the cracks. On another rest stop occasion, an older gentleman “begged” for the opportunity to orally pleasure Cal, even offering my then-14-year-old friend a crumpled wad of cash to sweeten the deal. He recounted the absolute humiliation of being groped by a drag queen in front of a jeering audience who didn’t enjoy my friend’s standoffishness to the ebullient performer who, to her credit, later apologized privately. Cal didn’t blame himself — not aloud, anyway. He didn’t fall on his own sword by remarking on how tight his jeans were or how he acted much older than his age. (Sound familiar?) I’m embarrassed to admit Cal’s riled reaction confused me. At the time, I thought quick, anonymous public sex was “fun across the board” for gay guys. More variety in the company I kept would’ve prevented my confusion — would’ve taught me that not all gay men want to be treated like walking penises by complete strangers. More recently, I made a friend who had no exposure to the LGBT community. He wasn’t narrow-minded or afraid; he was simply raised OCTOBER 16, 2013

I’M CRUSHING ON A WOMAN WHO IN ONE OF MY CLASSES — CUTE, SMART, AND REALLY FUNNY — AND I’D LOVE TO ASK HER OUT. HOWEVER, SHE IS BLIND OR VISUALLY IMPAIRED (I’M NOT SURE HOW SHE IDENTIFIES), AND I DON’T WANT HER TO THINK I’M FETISHIZING OR TOKENIZING HER. HOW CAN I ASK HER OUT AND NOT COME OFF LIKE A JERK? - AWAITING DATING WITH BAITED BREATH IN GLENDALE

Dear Awaiting Dating with Baited Breath,

By Berlin Sylvestre

Shanna Katz

DEAR SHANNA —

LIVING

in a tiny Georgia town by puritanical parents. Sweet as he was, he shied away when I invited him to a gay club. I assured him: “You’ll be fine!” I told him, in a chiding manner, not to flatter himself. “The other men will have way more sex appeal than you, man.” No more than an hour after we arrived, Dallas* rushed up to me, frenzied and insisting it was time to go. He wasn’t a drama queen by any stretch, so I followed him outside and asked him what happened. “Some guy kept looking at my [expletive] in the bathroom,” he told me. Oh no. “When I used my shoulder to block his view, he grabbed me and tried to spin me so he could see it!” Oh, man. I went back in and paid our tab (an opener of an apology) while he waited in the car. I don’t think I’ve ever apologized so profusely. My friend was having the same reaction Cal had years earlier — he’d been violated and didn’t know how to process it. Anger seemed a good start. He said things like: “I should’ve just peed on him, but I bet he would’ve like it!” and “I should’ve knocked him out, but he was enormous!” I hope he meets some cool LGBT folks who undo that damage. I spent some face time with Cal recently, which was great. We were catching up on all the old stuff that brought us together — midgrade bourbon, horror movies, and scouring for sales — when that inglorious day at the mall came up. He nodded in recollection and went quiet for a bit. “That’s why I stopped wearing that HRC shirt, to be honest.” Well, damn. We’ve got some work to do, guys. *Names have been changed to maintain privacy OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

By recognizing the complicated issues of belonging to a marginalized community — having to wonder whether people really like for you — it sounds like you’re already on the path to handling this sensitively. Way to go. That said, I’d ask her out the way you’d ask out anyone else. Obviously, stay away from blurting, “it’s not because you’re blind!” Instead, ask her for coffee/tea/cupcakes/ drinks and perhaps suggest that she choose the place. If she says yes, as part of the first date conversation you could work in a question about how she identifies, so you know you’re using her preferred language later on while dissecting the date moment by moment with your bestie. People with disabilities, like every other marginalized group (trans* folks, people of color, non-English speakers, etc.) are just as sexually diverse as the rest of the population. Remember to not make assumptions about how folks with disabilities act; some are LGBTQ, some are straight, some are monogamous and some are not, some are asexual, some are new to sexual explorations and others are experienced. Spend your time and energy asking polite, nondisability centric questions like “tell me what you like/want/need” instead of things like “how can you get turned on by/be attracted to someone, because you can’t even see them?” (Don’t laugh; people have asked much more off-putting questions). If you hit it off, take some time to research; people who experience discrimination and/or oppression should not have to be responsible for educating everyone else about their identities. Of course, if she offers information or asks what questions you have, ask away and learn as much as you can. Best of luck in getting the date! Shanna Katz, M.Ed, ACS is a board-certified sexologist, sexuality educator and author who believes in open source, accessible sexuality education. See more columns at ofcnow.co/ sexpert or for more info on teaching adults to optimize their sex lives visit ShannaKatz.com. Send Shanna a question for her column at shanna@outfrontonline.com.

HEINZESIGHT

Preferences or prejudice? I HEAR MANY PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT HOW the gay scene is full of discrimination. Many times this relates to when people are talking about why someone doesn’t want to go on a date with them or isn’t interested in a sweaty sexual encounter. Since words are extremely important and powerful in the way they describe the world, I think it’s important to use the right words. Discrimination is excluding or looking down at an individual based on superficial reasons, or having a preconceived idea of who they are or how they will act. It focuses on putting down individuals or groups to make them feel that others possess some power or superiority over them. Preferences, however, speak to a person’s desire to be interested in some things while disinterested in others. Claiming that someone is being discriminatory places the blame on that person for a character defect they possess treating others unfairly due to incorrect or misguided thinking or feeling they are better than someone else. There are so many reasons why people are attracted to each other in the dating world — physical build, height, skin tone, eye color, social style, dick size, flair for fashion or an ultra-modern hair style can draw people together. There are also a variety of differences when it comes to how we spend our time, the music we enjoy, how we worship and the amount of alcohol we drink when we go out.

Additionally, there are other aspects thing does or doesn’t turn me on. that may attract some and disinterFew would argue I need to be open to est others — ethnicity, body fat, HIV every person and situation equally. status, how we party, tattoos, profesWe all have the ability to choose. sion, relationship status and sexual Our dating and sex life is not an equal interests. opportunity employer or bound The fact that we have preferencby the rules of affirmative action. es does not necessarily mean we’re Although it may kick our self-esteem closed-minded or inappropriately in a tender place, I think it’s OK to not judge. We should take the time and be interested in spending time with energy to figure out who and what someone for a variety of reasons. Brent Heinze turns us on. Often when people cry But regardless whether you’re discrimination they may more accurately be interested in spending time with a particular describing feeling angry they don’t fit the mold person or not, I hope that we all interact with of someone’s preferences. We’ve all turned respect and kindness. You don’t have to give a someone down for one reason or another and full dissertation about all of the reasons why you have all been turned down ourselves, not neces- aren’t interested in someone — having compassarily due to being discriminatory, sexist, racist, sion for someone’s feelings is important. HIV-phobic, or inappropriately judgmental. It Another concern is that we may not give could be that they’re not what we’re looking people chances if they do not initially appear looking for, in general or at that moment. to be what we think we want. Getting to know Am I being “discriminatory” against females people is a great way to see if there is potential since my preference is to get naked and sweaty for deeper connections beyond what you notice with men only? Trust me, I’m not a woman hater superficially. or female-phobic. Regardless, I do have interests in particular types of men and there are a variety Brent Heinze, LPC, is a licensed professional of things that intrigue and interest me about my counselor. r Get more HeinzeSight online at partners. I’m not exactly sure where these in- ofcnow.co/brent or send him a question for his terests are, but I know when someone or some- column at brent@outfrontonline.com

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