11.20.13 :: Religion by OUT FRONT Magazine

INTERVIEW: LOCAL FASHION DESIGNER JUAN JIMENEZ

NUCLIA: THE REAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GAY AND STRAIGHT MEN

HEINZESIGHT: MOM’S ADVICE FOR RELATIONSHIPS

VIE-CARPENTER: SUCCESS IS WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW

11.20.13 – 12.04.13 Volume 37 • Issue 16 • FREE $ 95 3. Outside Colorado OutFrontOnline.com

Shining a light on LGBT spirituality Being LGBT forces a deeper search for religious identity

Marriage eqality advances in Illinois and Hawaii, but when will Colorado’s time come? p. 12

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

CONTENTS

VOL. XXXVII ISSUE #16 November 20, 2013 t

Photo by Hans Rosemond

A journey of many paths

LGBT people come from every faith, but many share an effort to reconcile their religious beliefs of childhood with who they are

SO LIV FO CUS CIAL ING 6 8 10 12 14 18

Letter From The Editor FYI Out In Colorado News Panel Cover Story

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26 28 30 34 36 38

Food For Thought High Society Calendar Radioactive Vision Interview On The Scene

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40 43 44 46 50 52

Beauty Faith Urbanism Big Toys Back In The Day Sexuality

Serving the LGBT Community of the Rocky Mountains since 1976 3535 Walnut Street Denver, Colorado 80205 Phone: 303-477-4000 Fax: 303-325-2642 Email: info@outfrontonline.com Web: OutFrontOnline.com Facebook: facebook.com/OutFrontColorado Twitter: @OutFrontCO Out Front is published by Transformation Communications Group, LLC, a Colorado limited liability corporation and is a member of: Denver Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce and Denver Drama Critics Circle. PHIL PRICE / Founder, 1954-1993 JERRY CUNNINGHAM / Publisher Email: Jerry@outfrontonline.com J.C. MCDONALD / Vice President Email: JC@outfrontonline.com JEFF JACKSON SWAIM / Chief Strategist Email: Jeff@outfrontonline.com RYAN KING / Associate Publisher

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

FROM THE EDITOR

Acceptance even when it’s not reciprocated By Matthew Pizzuti

Connect with Out Front Out Front is your platform for the expressions and perspectives of Colorado’s LGBT and allied community — we want to hear from you! To directly contact Out Front’s editors in order to respond to an send a story idea or tip, learn about becoming one of Out Front’s panelists or columnists, write your own Speak Out column or provide general feedback, email editorial@ outfrontonline.com. 6

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

IT’S EASY TO TAKE ONE LOOK AT ANTI-LGBT RELIGIOUS GROUPS AND REJECT THE CONCEPT OF religion altogether. Many LGBT and allied people do that, while others dismiss conservative denominations and promote those that embrace LGBT people for who we are. But what happens when the faith communities with, shall we say, challenging traditional teachings toward LGBT people are also part of “who we are?” For those of us who grew up religious, faith left an impression — often, it was our earliest concept of right and wrong. It’s our childhood memories, our rituals for feeling connected or safe, our earliest role models (as clergy, or in the form of prophets, saints or gods) and often our first sense of community. Whether or not we shake off the theological beliefs or denounce the institution, the religion, in whatever way we understood it, remains part of us — its fingerprints persist in our moral beliefs and choices throughout our lives. Having grown up Roman Catholic, I can testify. Though I’m an agnostic Unitarian Universalist now, I’m still motivated by Catholic values of humility, self-sacrifice, remorse and guilt, and concern for those in need — a lasting mix of healthy and unhealthy traits. I’m grateful I was taught to value social justice and service; I wish I was rid of some of the other things. Sometimes I even spot my Catholic background showing up in the way I speak and write — vestiges as subtle and simple as word choice and sentence structure. And even if we’ve let go of a childhood faith, our families and home communities probably didn’t — we still encounter that religion when we visit, are still occasionally judged through its eyes, are even sometimes begged to come back. As many of us head home for Thanksgiving, we’re about to come faceto-face with families or old friends who might make things complicated. Yet we love them. People in the LGBT and allied community learn to live with this sort of difficult, even uncomfortable, dissonance — I believe that we are all experts in it. We learn how FOCUS

to accept people in ways that they don’t accept us back and accept ourselves for things we were taught to shun, and our struggles to overcome that lack of reciprocity can show up as driving forces behind our social and professional lives. In this issue’s cover story, Out Front interviewed LGBT Coloradoans deep and complex relationships with religion. Though we didn’t look for sources whose stories would conform to a particular narrative, it turned out that we found very similar stories of alienation and reconciliation — a need to weave dissonant influences into an identity and faith that both fulfills a connection with tradition and honors who they are as modern-day LGBT people. Sometimes, finding a place of peace with religion has been a steep and lengthy struggle. Even if you’ve never been religious, chances are you’ll see pieces of your own life in these stories. Call it a Catholic-style self-scrutiny if you need to, but this makes me reflect on how I approach different groups of people in my own life. It would be easy for me to be dismissive, for example, of Islam — a religion containing challenging elements for LGBT people and foreign to my own experiences. Yet Islam means something to Hina Chow, the woman on the cover of this issue — a Muslim, a lesbian, who has very good reasons to continue to care about the interests of Muslims: they’re her family. The world has millions of queer Muslims in it, at all different levels of devoutness and different interpretations of their faith, and they would benefit from defining Islam in a way that accommodates the way they live in it. So when I look at Islam based on LGBT issues, should I form my attitude based on my own nonexistent stake in the matter, or theirs? I think we ultimately find that in any religion, ideologies and institutions are fleeting — people can detach from them when necessary just as they come and go over relatively short periods in history. But the values, communities and culture we come from will last.

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About the Contributors

Hans Rosemond has been an active magazine, portrait and headshot photographer for the last seven years. He enjoys all things film — from Lord of the Rings to Dumb and Dumber. The only thing better than making a good movie is making the subjects he’s photographing look good, and feel like rock stars. See more online at HansRosemond.com. Hans’ photographs are on the cover of this issue and inside the cover story on page 18.

Scott McGlothlen is an Out Front columnist who authors the column Bleed Like Me, offering snapshots of his journey as an HIVpositive gay man along with many other enlightening, edgy or hilariously-revealing stories of insight he’s gained along the way. See Scott’s column in this issue on page 17.

SPEAK OUT

Making it Work: A transwoman’s journey transitioning at work By Kallie Winners AN OVERWHELMING MINORITY OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE ARE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE SELF-EMPLOYED: most of us have to work in environments without the freedom to choose who we work with. We’re often required work in environments with people who’ve never met a transgender person, and thus often react negatively to us. I’d never planned on transitioning in the workplace. When I took my first dose of estrogen three years ago, I thought that I’d transition in college and head to the workforce as the gender I knew I always should have been. So I had mixed feelings six months ago when I was offered a summer internship while still presenting as male. I needed the experience and I needed the money, so I accepted the job and continued my life in the closet. “Three months,” I kept telling myself. Three months was all — it threw me for a loop when they offered to let me stay on until December and work while I finished college. I couldn’t turn it down, but also couldn’t keep living the lie. I had it in my head that I’d finally be done wearing a costume, having to put on fake smiles every day. I knew that I had to take this step, so sat down with Human Resources

and told them about my status. They were unprepared for the news — they’d never dealt with an employee who wanted to transition in the workplace and had no working knowledge of trans issues, so together we started laying the groundwork to make this happen. My company had a nondiscrimination policy, but gender identity wasn’t included. They also had no idea how to go about informing the company of my status. There were several issues to address, so we started working — I say “we” because I offered my time and experience to help educate HR, and eventually, the company. We worked on making sure that the non-discrimination policy was updated, started a timeline for transition and informed my immediate supervisors of what was coming down the pipeline. I took two weeks off work while I returned to school, during which time HR met with everyone I work with about what was going on. While I

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was adjusting to being back in school, they kept me informed how things were going. The first day back was nerve-racking – I had no idea what to expect. After a quick meeting with HR and receiving a new work badge, I headed back to my desk. There was work waiting for me and some supportive messages from coworkers. Time seemed to fly by the first week. I received sneers from some and smiles from others, and always made sure to smile in return. Looking back, I could never go back to living in the closet. My life is so much richer now, my smiles are genuine, and my relationships mean so much more than I thought they ever could. Being out, in my workplace, school and life is a vital part of that. Kallie Winners is an electrical engineer, cyclist, advocate, veteran and transgender woman. r This Speak Out was shortened for space — see the full version online at ofcnow.co/JAt

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

FYI

Russian anti-gay extremist under criminal investigation, reportedly flees country t MOSCOW — RUSSIAN AUTHORITIES HAVE INITIATED CRIMINAL PROCEEDINGS AGAINST A RUSSIAN ULTRA-NATIONALIST RESPONSIBLE for several homophobic assaults on LGBT persons, including attacks on citizens from Ukraine, Iraq, and South Africa. Maxim Sergeyevich Martsinkevich, also known by his street nickname “Tesak” — which translates as “The Cleaver” — has been charged under Part 1 of article 282 of the Russian Criminal Code, Incitement of ethnic and social hatred. The charge is punishable by a sentence of 3–5 years imprisonment. A spokesperson for Russian federal prosecutors told LGBTQ Nation on Monday that the case against Martsinkevich was initiated after two videos were posted on the internet which depict assault and harassment of citizens of Ukraine and a citizen of Iraq who are alleged to be gay. Martsinkevich appears in the videos, and is seen forcibly shaving the victims’ heads in reverse mohawk hairstyles, painting rainbow flags in the shaven areas, forcing the victims to perform sex acts with objects, pouring urine on them, and forcing them to make self-denigrating statements to the camera. In the case of the Iraqi citizen, Martsinkevich is alleged to have sodomized the victim off camera with a police-style baton he displayed for the camera; immediately following, the victim’s screams can be heard in the background.

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The Russian Interior Ministry acknowledged Monday that officers conducted a raid and search last Thursday of Martsinkevich’s apartment, and the apartment of his mother, and that an arrest warrant for Martsinkevich has been issued. Martsinkevich is no stranger to the Russian legal system. In July 2007, he was arrested and then sentenced to three years in prison under the same Criminal Code Article 282, part 1, when, as a leader of the far-right extremist group Format18, he had orchestrated the manufacture and sale of videos with scenes depicting the torture of homeless people and Asian guest workers. The group also held a “mock” hanging of an alleged drug dealer from the former Soviet Republic of Tajikistan. Martsinkevich was released in December 2010, sometime after which he formed his current group, “Occupy Paedophilia,” which has produced numerous videos on the Russian social media giant VK.com as well as YouTube, documenting the violent and homophobic harassment of men the group claims were seeking to have sex with minor boys. The graphic videos often go viral and have also been used to humiliate gay teenagers who responded to false dating invitations from what they thought were other gay youth in chat rooms. Over the weekend, Martsinkevich claimed in a series of posts on his VK page to have allegedly

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Maxim Martsinkevich (center) with alleged Ukrainian victims. fled Russian territory to avoid the legal charges, posting pictures of himself on a beach in the Koh Chang Tai district in Thailand. But an official in Bangkok with the Royal Thai Immigration Service said that there was no recent record of Martsinkevich entering the country within the past two weeks, although records indicate he has previously visited the country. An investigator with ties to the case, speaking confidentially as he was not authorized to comment to the press, told LGBTQ Nation that authorities doubt that Martsinkevich is outside of Russia. Instead, the investigator said, it is believed Martsinkevich is being assisted by members of his group inside the country to avoid prosecution. Reports from LGBTQNation.com

FYI

Lesbian couple hopes to overturn Colorado’s same-sex marriage ban through courts V A LESBIAN COUPLE IN COLO RADO HAS FILED A LAWSUIT SEEKING TO OVERTURN THE state’s constitutional ban on samesex marriage. Dr. Rebecca Brinkman and Margaret Burd filed the lawsuit this fall in Adams County District Court after they say they were denied a marriage license earlier the same day, but were offered an application for a civil union instead, reports KMGH-TV. The lawsuit alleges that Article II, Section 31 of the Colorado Con-

stitution, which states that “only a union between one man and one woman shall be valid and recognized as a marriage,” violates the equal protection and due process guarantees of the 14th Amendment to the United States Constitution. Brinkman and Burd’s attorneys argue civil unions are inferior to marriage and more like a business relationship. The attorneys say Colorado’s ban is unconstitutional and cite the U.S. Supreme Court ruling from June that invalidated part of the Defense of Marriage Act.

Irish public to vote on marriage equality next May V THE IRISH GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCED THAT IT HAS SET MAY 2015 AS THE DATE FOR A PUBLIC REFERENDUM ON SAME-SEX MARRIAGE. During a cabinet meeting, the Ministers accepted the recommendation of Minister for Justice Alan Shatter that they should follow the advice of the Constitutional Referendum and put the issue of same-sex marriage to the Irish voters. The announcement follows a vote by the Irish Constitutional Convention last April to recommend a change in the Constitution to allow same-sex couples full civil marriage, and not just a civil partnership. The Church of Ireland’s pro-LGBT group, Changing Attitude Ireland (CAI), welcomed the referendum and challenged all the churches not to oppose it. “The government’s intention to hold a referendum to extend civil marriage to same-sex couples will facilitate discussion and challenge the ignorance, especially in the churches, of the positive experiences of same-sex relationships,” said Dr. Richard O’Leary, chairman of CAI.

HOPE Act allows HIV-positive organs to go to patients with HIV V THE U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES APPROVED LEGISLATION IN NOVEMBER THAT LIFTS THE FEDERAL BAN ON THE DONATION OF HIV-POSITIVE ORGANS TO HIV-POSITIVE RECIPIENTS. The HOPE Act passed the Senate earlier this year and faced no opposition. The bill now heads to President Obama to sign into law. The measure amends the Public Health Service Act to establish safeguards and standards of quality for research of organs infected with HIV, and effectively repeals a law passed in 1988 prevents those donations, a policy that was enacted

at the height of the AIDS scare. “The bipartisan passage of the HOPE Act will fundamentally improve the quality of healthcare available for people living with HIV and AIDS,” said Allison Herwitt, Vice President for Government Affairs for the Human Rights Campaign. “By removing these antiquated barriers to transplants, the lives of hundreds of people living with HIV and AIDS can be saved each year.” Permitting organs from HIV-positive donors to be used for transplant in HIV-infected patients with liver or kidney failure could save as many as 1,000 people each year.

Local, state and national news briefs from LGBTQnation.com OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

OUT IN COLORADO

Denver’s gender-neutral clothing boutique aims to transform fashion By Mike Yost t HUNDREDS OF SHOPPERS ATTENDED THE NOVEMBER 3 GRAND OPENING OF {A•(S)He}, AN INNOVATE CLOTHING STORE on south Broadway that eschews the classifications of women’s and men’s apparel. “Fashion should be assigned by size and not by gender,” said Ashe Bowen, owner and operator of {A•(s)Hē}. “And I think that a lot of people don’t really assign themselves to a specific gender (for clothing) even if they are heterosexual. It really has to do with the way that the store is arranged and the way that clothes are assigned, because it’s assumed that that’s masculine or feminine.” Bowen said the idea for {A•(s)Hē} grew out of her own personal frustrations browsing for outfits. “It’s from years and years of going to the men’s department, picking out my clothes, taking them back to the women’s dressing room awkwardly, and just having an uncomfortable experience shopping.” Bowen is not alone. On opening day, several customers commented on how grateful they were for the boutique’s unique design. “Someone came up to me and said, ‘this is the first time

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I’ve ever tried on clothes in a store and felt actually comfortable doing so.’” Bowen has an abiding zeal to work for herself, influenced strongly by her upbringing. “Everyone in my family owns a business,” she said. She continued the family tradition of entrepreneurship by supporting herself as a hairdresser for almost 10 years and still offers that expertise to customers at {A•(s)Hē}. Bowen hopes the store will carve a new niche in fashion: “When you look at the runway, they have women modeling as men or men modeling

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as women, but I don’t see it actually displayed in the stores. So I’m hoping this will start that movement.” Bowen said traditional marketing campaigns are responsible for the way clothes are allocated by sex, “and I feel like that line is becoming more blurred. I’m not trying to promote women wearing men’s clothes, or men wearing women’s clothes, but people wearing whatever fits them.” Bowen goes to great lengths to find and tailor clothing for her customers. “I have a model — she wanted a men’s suit for a wedding. So I actually flew to New York and shopped for her and then tailored it all to fit her. And if a parent comes in and they want me to shop for them so their kid doesn’t have to shop in the opposite section, I’m more than happy to do that for them.” For Bowen, the most fulfilling thing about her work is “creating a space that I would want to shop. It’s for the consumer. I’m happy to be doing this, but I’m actually doing this for the community to feel comfortable, and that’s the biggest reward for me, really.” {A•(s)Hē} is located on 114 S. Broadway. r For more information online, visit as-hestyle.com.

OUT IN COLORADO

Young gay entrepreneur gives granola a touch of class By Mike Yost t THEY SAY CALIFORNIA IS THE GRANOLA STATE — A LAND OF “FRUITS, FLAKES AND NUTS” — but 25-year-old Denver man Sam Blumenthal is bringing that to Colorado in a different way, with a classy new granola company of his own. Blumenthal said he’s wanted to own his own business since childhood — “I had lemonade stands as frequently as my parents would let me” — and decided to tie that ambition to an interest in promoting health. “I wanted to start a business that incorporated a healthy product. Searching different opportunities, I thought granola was the best one.” Recently out of college, Blumenthal this year launched a company called Lagrano, offering three distinct healthy granola flavors that can be purchased online and shipped directly to your home or business. He’s already delivered to customers as far as New York, but his recipe comes from home. “The orange coconut granola flavor is a recipe my mom made when we were kids,” said Blumenthal. “I make it gluten free with no added sugar.” But Lagrano provides more than healthy alternatives for granola lovers. While attending college, Blumenthal volunteered and interned at the Global Down Syndrome Foundation (GDSF). After working for a nonprofit, Blumenthal felt it was important that his for-profit enterprise give back. “I’ve had a couple family members with cancer,” said Blumenthal, commenting on how Lagrano has worked with the Cancer League of Colorado. “But I’m reluctant to pair with just one organization that I have a personal connection to. I’d rather help out as many as possible. They’re just all great causes.” In addition to raising money for the Children’s Hospital of Colorado and GDSF’s I Love You Dance for adults with Down syndrome, Lagrano sponsored the Fire Hawk Alliance launch party — a new LGBT organization that builds coalitions with other nonprofits. He’s also helped raise money for cityWILD, an agency providing outdoor experiences for low-income youth of color. In addition, Lagrano is a fundraising vendor at Denver South High, Blumenthal’s old high school.

“The feedback from the high school kids so far is that with the people that they’re selling to, they’re getting a good response. It’s a product that people can get excited about buying while supporting this local cause.” Blumenthal recommends connecting with positive relationships and knowledge to succeed in any new venture in business, especially for beginners. “Surrounding yourself with positive influences is a big thing. The Rocky Mountain MicroFinance Institute (RMMFI) is an awesome resource. They have a large network and a lot of different classes.” One of Blumenthal’s initial challenges was developing a business brand that would remain unique. At an RMMFI business boot camp, Blumenthal joined a workshop led by a business attorney who offered smart advice. “He pointed out that the easiest way to protect a business name is a made-up word, so I immediately wrote out the letters in granola and started rearranging them. Lagrano was the one that sounded the best.” Blumenthal said the freedom to take the job by the reigns and create things has been the biggest reward of setting out as an entrepreneur. “The creative freedom has been huge,” he said. “Other jobs I’ve worked at, I’d have to get permission to really do just about anything. Being able to be the one to make those decisions has been really liberating in a lot of ways.” r For more information on Lagrano’s products or fundraising opportunities online, visit lagrano.com OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

NEWS

Marriage equality victories in Illinois, Hawaii, encourage efforts in Colorado By Mike Yost t WHEN THE ILLINOIS HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES PASSED THE RELIGIOUS FREEDOM– MARRIAGE ACT NOV. 5, the last major obstacle in Illinois’ activists long legislative battle for equality was overcome — the bill needed only to go back to the Senate, where it had already passed, to review House amendments. Gov. Pat Quinn, a Democrat, had pledged to sign the bill and at press time was expected to sign it Nov. 20, which will allow same-sex couples to marry in June 2014 — Illinois will likely be the sixteenth to enact full equality. The likely fifteenth state with marriage equality hadn’t yet passed its bill, but on Nov. 8 the Hawaii House of Representatives passed the Marriage Equality Act, 30-19 and Gov. Neil Abercrombie signed it Nov. 13 It was Hawaii’s Supreme Court that was the first to rule in favor of marriage equality two decades ago in 1993, when the court decided denying same-sex couples the right to marry violated the state’s equal protection clause — that effort was blocked when the legislature passed a state constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. Twenty years later, there has been a wave of same-sex marriage victories in other states — in 2013 alone and preceding Illinois and Hawaii, lawmakers in Minnesota, Delaware, and Rhode Island passed marriage equality equality initiatives, bringing the year’s tally to 5, while a September New Jersey court ruling also brought marriage equality to the Garden State. Jon Monteith, communications director at statewide LGBT advocacy organization One Colorado, said those victories provide helpful information for achieving the same in Colorado. “Looking into other states that have recently been successful in securing the freedom to marry, there are a lot of lessons to be learned — what worked and what could be improved upon or expanded on in a [marriage] campaign here in Colorado,” he said. Monteith said a continuing platform for discourse is an essential component. “We’ve seen in every state that once a person actually talks to an LGBT individual in their life 12

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about why marriage really matters, that they are far more likely to support the freedom to marry,” he said. “And so it goes to show how critical it is to educate the public.” A Pew Research Center poll in May revealed that a majority of Americans now support allowing same-sex couples to marry, and 37 percent of respondents who said their views have changed said it was through having a lesbian or gay friend, family member or acquaintance. One Colorado launched the statewide Pathway to Marriage Road Show Sep. 19, beginning in Grand Junction and continuing through planned total of 18 Colorado cities and towns. “It’s been great,” said Daniel Ramos, One Colorado’s Director of Organizing and Alliance Building. “From Sterling to Steamboat Springs to Durango to La Junta — every corner of the state — we’re seeing people really excited to begin having the discussion about why marriage matters and why civil unions are not marriage.” Polling firm Public Policy Polling released an April poll finding that 51 percent of Coloradans support the freedom to marry and 43 percent oppose it, and an overwhelming 73 percent of younger voters support full marriage equality. Though the data is encouraging to LGBT advocates, One Colorado cautions that there are several unique challenges facing the Colorado LGBT community. “I think that the momentum here also needs to be balanced with the current political reality, which is that in Colorado — unlike Illinois and Hawaii — we have to deal with a state ban that does not make it a viable option to get marriage equality through the state legislature,” Monteith said. Although Hawaiian voters approved a state amendment in 1998 that gave lawmakers the power to ban same-sex marriage, Colorado’s Amendment 46, approved by voters in 2006, goes a step further by banning same-sex marriage on its own. LGBT advocates are closely following developments in Oregon, where voters adopted a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage in 2004. Oregon United for Marriage, a pro-LGBT OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

group, recently launched a drive to gather the 116,284 signatures necessary to add a marriage equality measure to the state’s 2014 ballot that would recognize the freedom to marry. Colorado voters have weighed in on LGBT more than once — and regardless of polling, they’ve sided against it at the ballot box. “One of the things we’re seeing is a lot of these couples who have been together for decades, they have seen their rights voted on in this state not just one time, but two times,” Monteith said. Colorado voters also rejected Referendum I, which would have granted same-sex domestic partnerships, in 2006, and in 1992 the voters infamously approved Amendment 2 rescinding LGBT anti-discrimination laws before the amendment was eventually struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court. “When you’ve been through that painful experience twice, you want to be sure we get this right,” Monteith said. “We have more than 30,000 supporters statewide, representing every county in Colorado — we have an obligation to get this right.” Ramos noted Colorado’s varying electoral landscape — “Colorado is a very large state with urban areas and a lot of rural communities,” he said. “So we should be thinking about how to make sure it’s safe for LGBT Coloradans living in those rural communities to be in the local paper or on television.” To help overcome these obstacles, Monteith reiterated the importance of coalitions between local organizations with national groups such as the Freedom to Marry and the Human Rights Campaign. “Historically the Human Rights Campaign has been a strong supporter,” said Hank Provost, Chairman of HRC Colorado, “providing resources to drive marriage initiatives, and HRC would certainly want to be involved in any initiative here in Colorado as it’s needed.” Ramos said, “We’re doing this early work to really inform and build a successful statewide campaign — over the next couple months, we’ll be rolling out what our next steps are. It’s going to be a really exciting time for LGBT Coloradans.”

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

PANEL VOICES

QUESTION:

What is our community’s most overlooked cause?

A former writer and editor at Out Front, Phil Nash is a communications consultant for nonprofit organizations.

I BELIEVE THAT THERE is a tremendous need to extend outreach to LGBT youth. The Human Rights Campaign reports that 50 percent of LGBT youth have problems when coming out to their parents. A large number — 86 percent — of LGBT youth report being verbally harassed at school due to their sexual orientation. Twenty-two percent report having experienced a physical attack at school, and these attacks often go unreported to school officials. Three million young Americans are homeless, and a disproportionate number of them, 20 to 40 percent, are LGBT youth. A study showed that 63 percent of homeless youth experienced conflict at home. Additionally, LGBT youth report double the rates of sexual abuse before age 12. One in three transgender youth is turned away from a shelter due to their gender identity/expression. The homeless are at increased risk of victimization, and they experience higher rates of mental health problems and unsafe sexual behavior. Homeless youth also experience significantly higher rates of use of tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, crack cocaine, intravenous drugs, and stimulants, inhalants, and hallucinogens. We must advocate for safe foster homes, LGBT training for homeless shelter staffs, anti-bullying campaigns and expanded social services for LGBT youth. Any less is not enough. George Gramer, Jr.

AT LEAST FROM MY perspective, we have overlooked the plight of the transgender community as a whole. I know that recently we have seen a few of examples that bring attention to, if you will, our cause: Coy Mathis, the little girl from Fort Carson; Chelsea Manning, the trans soldier in transition in jail; Laverne Cox in Orange is the New Black, a real post-op trans woman playing a trans woman on film; and Chaz Bono, a celebrity transitioning in full view of the world. These are only a few examples, but the challenges they’re facing show that we still have a long way to go for acceptance even within our own community where we are often times misunderstood, or mistaken for other parts of the “T” spectrum. Oftentimes trans is mistaken for drag or cross-dressing, when in fact many of us are just trying to get by and live who we are, but are labeled buy our “G” and “L” brothers and sisters. We’re slowly emerging from the shadows where we were hidden for so long. The Affordable Healthcare Act, which I know is a subject of debate that has many sides, is a plus for us in the (transitioning) category because it affords those who are pursuing surgery an opportunity to complete what is so vital to us — to actually be able to afford it. It’s been so out of reach for so many for so long. We are years behind our LGB siblings in equality and rights, but it’s getting better one day at a time. Brianna Matthews

Phil Nash

ONE OF THE OLDEST stories in written literature is the Epic of Gilgamesh, a heroic king of ancient times. A central theme of this 4500-yearold Mesopotamian legend is Gilgamesh’s devotion to Enkidu, his beloved, manly companion. Did you know? Then there’s Shakespeare: a husband and father who wrote 126 sonnets to “a fair youth” thought to be a handsome young nobleman. Was Shakepeare bisexual? The subject has been argued for 500 years. Walt Whitman, America’s most celebrated poet, believed our nation’s democracy was animated by an energetic, even erotic “love of comrades.” Modern gay liberation descends directly from ideas embedded in some of Whitman’s sizzling verses (search “Calamus”) written more than 150 years ago. Did you know? If not, why not? The reason is the deliberate, malicious deletion of LGBT intellectual and cultural heritage from our institutions of learning. “Gay” as we know it is a modern concept. But same-sex love — open, concealed and often suffered for—has been part of cultural and literary history forever. Many wrote about it. Others painted, sculpted, choreographed, dramatized, filmed and composed music inspired by their passions. A handful of scholars in LGBT studies know about the vast pool of artistic genius that could enrich our lives and help neutralize antiLGBT stigma. Too few of us know this heritage exists, or how to discover it. Meanwhile, we’re caught up in skirmishes over Heather Has Two Mommies— an icicle on the tip of the homophobic iceberg. What about a community-based LGBT cultural education program that would bring people together to learn, teach and share our intellectual and cultural heritage? It’s long overdue, and only we can do it.

Iowa native George Gramer, Jr. is the president of the Colorado Log Cabin Republicans.

Brianna Matthews is a 40-something post-op trans-woman, lesbian, and a telecommunications professional working for a major telecom.

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LAKEWOOD Lakewood UCC www.lakewooducc.com LONGMONT First Congregational UCC www.ucclongmont.org PARKER Parker UCC www.parkerucc.org WHEAT RIDGE The Wheatridge Congregation of the UCC www.wheatridgeucc.org

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THE LESBIAN SOCIALITE

The meaning of success t

I’VE STRUGGLED TO UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF FEAR OF SUCCESS, but it’s very real for some people, so I decided to ask around. One response stood out, asking me to define success in the first place. I suppose the way you define success has a lot to do with how you perceive the life you already have, or have been working towards. When I was a New York City Girl, I defined success by being on “the list,” and by having an antique silver Mont Blanc fountain pen, a pair of crocodile high heel pumps and diamonds. I still love diamonds. And all of those things are lovely. I also have higher expectations now: success is about building strong relationships, the lessons you learn and the lessons you teach. Success is about being of service and accepting the gifts that life offers. Success is about living a life you love and loving the life you live (to borrow some wisdom from a song). If you look around you and see the triumphs and not the tragedies, you’ve had success in your life the whole time. When you find yourself looking at your life with satisfaction, you are successful. When you see each moment you lived and each thing you wanted manifested, then you are living a life filled with successful moments. When you look

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at your life filled with successful moments, you realize that you have been living a successful life all along. It’s a truer sense of what success is. To be truly successful, you must be living the life you want to live. It has nothing to do with possessions — a person is successful if she or he feels successful. If certain Robyn Vie-Carpenter Photo by Flor Blake possessions do that for you, then you are. If the freedom to travel to different parts of the world at the drop of a hat means you’re successful, then enjoy the trip. One person says it’s a penthouse in New York City, while another says a ranch out West. I know a man who owns a ranch in Alabama who would describe proof of his success by the fact that he can ship his Harley anywhere he wants to ride. The point is, it’s different for everyone. We don’t need to compare what success looks like in someone else’s mind. You have no reason to compare your life to anyone else’s, and even if you try to, you will never truly accept someone else’s definition of success as yours. If success is perspective, shifting yours means

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you can have it — and accept where you are right now. Those “small victories” are not small at all; there is no measure, no comparison, so you can celebrate every one of yours. A parking spot close to the entrance. Scoring a ticket to a sold-out show — for a bargain — and the music sounds even sweeter. Spend the afternoon talking about your favorite book with people who share your passion: best day ever. So there are a lot more people who are successful than we think. In this acceptance, we create a confidence for people, because as we all know, success attracts success. Realize you’ve been a success all along and you’ll notice you’re a magnet for more to come. Which brings me back to the question: how can you fear success? How can you fear something you’ve had all along? Robyn Vie-Carpenter is a social columnist on the local and national LGBT community. r See more of Robyn’s columns online at ofcnow.co/TLS or find her on Twitter @TheLesSocialite.

BLEED LIKE ME

A more-thandecent proposal As I looked up, the waitress t IN THE BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP LUKE AND I WERE dropped off another, even littler POLAR OPPOSITES, AND THE Chinese take out box with an TOPIC OF MARRIAGE WAS NO even littler bow. There were more EXCEPTION. To him, a home with puzzle pieces inside. I popped them a white picket fence seemed like in place I noticed the image had a life well lived. To me, it just been photoshopped so that the seemed like an institution origi- back windshield of a car said “Just nally designed to oppress women. Married.” The final piece formed Even modern interpretations of a question over the license plate: marriage felt useless in light of high “Will you?” I didn’t get it. Luke infidelity and divorce had to help. rates. As we tackled “So will you?” he our differences in our asked. I stared back weird experiment of with glossy, drunk a relationship, when eyes. He took my hand. it came to the idea of “Will you marry me?” having a ceremony, we I busted out left it alone. laughing — only out My parents just of pure shock. It was so happened to be in the most overpowtown during our threeering sense of joy in year anniversary. Luke single moment in my wanted to do someentire life. Tears began thing special, even if it was quick. One af- Scott McGlothlen rolling down my face. Luke hadn’t taken this ternoon later, he told me to go ahead and dress nice so as any sort of confirmation. He kept we could break away for an hour asking for my answer. I nodded as much as I could, and after taking a to celebrate. Luke took me to the peak lounge second to compose myself, I said the in the Hyatt Regency hotel. The 27th word “yes.” The waitress returned, squealing story bar had amazing views and it did feel pretty romantic. Our table with delight — she said she’d been already had two glasses of cham- waiting for this moment all day. In pagne and a cheese plate waiting. the bottom of the second box, Luke At this point in my life, I had given had placed some promise rings we up alcohol completely, but never had bought for each other earlier in minded a few sips of something our relationship. We’d never really sweet and bubbly for celebratory worn them and they now felt more purposes. Besides, it would com- appropriate as engagement rings. As we packed up our puzzle and pliment my insatiable desire for headed toward the hotel exit, my cheese quite nicely. Once we devoured our fatty parents happened to be waiting dairy delight, the waitress took the outside, in on it. Obviously, we couldn’t get plate and replaced it with a Chinese take-out box donning a bow; obvi- legally married in Colorado. But for Luke, it seemed more appropriously a gift. “What is this?” I asked Luke, ate to propose in a more traditional way than will you commitment-cergiggling from the champagne. “I thought it would be fun,” he emony me? I still wasn’t entirely sure about grinned. I opened the box to find a bunch the concept of marriage. But the idea of puzzle pieces. Luke suggested we of having a ceremony with Luke put it together so I dumped it all suddenly felt completely natural. out on the table. It didn’t take long And sometimes it is worth throwing before I realized the puzzle was your hesitations out the window for an old picture of us hugging in a a man as wonderful as him. parking lot. But as we put the final parts into place, it looked as though Scott McGlothlen is a cultural columnist on life as a HIV-positive gay a couple pieces were missing. “Oh shit,” I said, looking under man. r See more of Scott’s columns the table. “We are such a mess. online at ofcnow.co/scott or contact him at scott@outfrontonline.com. How did we already lose pieces?” OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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By Alison Wisneski

A journey of many paths LGBT people come from every faith, but share an effort to reconcile belief with who they are

Many faithful people don’t need to think twice about how spirituality plays out in their everyday lives and relationships — but for LGBT people, faith and life are deeply intertwined when we’re forced to reflect and reconcile a religious community and LGBT community that don’t see eye-to-eye. We hear about LGBT-friendly and “open and affirming churches,” but a range of world religions inspire remarkable similarities in how LGBT people search for peace in their faith. To celebrate the diversity of faith and spirituality in our community, Out Front met with local LBGT members of many traditions to hear their stories.

Rafi Daugherty Photo by Hans Rosemond HansRosemond.com

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Rafi Daugherty “My whole job is about bringing my identity as queer and my identity as Jewish together, so I’m lucky,” said Rafi Daugherty, 31, who grew up as an ultra-Orthodox Jewish girl and now identifies as a Jewish trans-guy. Daugherty said it was challenging experiences in the Jewish community that led him to where he is today — the Colorado Outreach Coordinator at Keshet, an organization that promotes inclusion in Jewish life, where he works to make queer people feel safe and comfortable in the Jewish community. “I’m at an advantage in my day-to-day life, reflecting these things. When I speak to rabbis or other community leaders, I’m very out. Most of them know I’m at least queer, if not transgender. Part of bringing change to the Jewish community is sharing my personal story, and letting people know that this isn’t some abstract concept of queer Jews or transgender Jews out there. I’m right here. I’m right in front of you.” His earliest childhood memories are celebrating holidays with his Christian father and Jewish mother, and being placed in an Orthodox school after his parents divorced. “When I would come home from Orthodox Jewish Day School, I’d say ‘Mommy, we can’t eat McDonald’s anymore,’ or ‘Mommy, you have to wear a skirt; you can’t wear pants anymore,’ so I was subtly brainwashed through the Orthodox Jewish streams,” he said. “By the time I was ten, I was a really hardcore Orthodox kid with very strong moralistic ideas of what was right and what was wrong.” Daugherty decided during his senior year in high school that being Orthodox was taking a toll on his emotions and had to break away.

He spent the next few years reconciling what that meant: believing that Orthodoxy was right, but that he needed to go off and do the wrong thing for a while. After he came out as transgender, Daugherty thought he could try being Orthodox again — as an Orthodox boy. “I wore a yarmulke and a tzitzit and thought ‘I’ll go to synagogue, and I’ll be religious, I’ll just do it as a boy,” he said. But he found that even in the adornments of a traditional Jewish male, he still felt like he was hiding who he was. He was outed as transgender by another member of his synagogue in Florida, and the rabbi gave him two options: sit on the women’s side, or leave. From there, Daugherty has never looked back. With a path that has crossed both sides of Judaism — the traditional and the liberal — Daugherty said he sees himself fitting in somewhere in between. He’s not Orthodox, but he can’t go to a synagogue that doesn’t practice traditional prayer. He admits that finding comfort in that in-between existence took time, and that the struggle is even more difficult, from what he knows, for transgender women — but if they are looking to rejoin Judaism in a way that’s comfortable for them, Daugherty said it’s worth it to try. “Finding organizations that help link people back to that LGBTQ community is probably the best suggestion that I have,” Daugherty said. “And if your faith tradition doesn’t have organizations like Keshet or Dignity USA (a Roman Catholic LGBTQ organization), finding an ally is the best thing. If you can find an ally within that church or organization that can go with you through the process, help you come out to the leader and move from there, that’s my second best offering.”

Hina Chow Hina Chow, 38, has always identified as gay. She asked her female neighbor to marry her when she was two — it always made sense to her, she said. But, growing up Muslim in a family who so desperately wanted safety for her and her sister, she feared the idea of coming out. “On my dad’s side of the family, it’s very strict Muslim,” Chow said. “They believe there was another prophet after Mohammad, and they’ve been discriminated against (for that) for years. If you were caught saying this belief in Pakistan, you could be thrown in jail. My dad’s biggest fear was not fitting in, always.” For Muslims in America — especially over the last decade — it can be a difficult thing to do. “(The afternoon of September 11, 2001), I went into a bodega to get a beer, and I look at the guy (behind the counter) and I said ‘Are you Muslim?’ and he said ‘Yeah,’ and I said ‘Let me be the last person you tell. Don’t tell anybody else. Say you’re Egyptian Christian.’ And then I called my mom and I said ‘Mom, don’t wear any of your Pakistani outfits.’” Her family’s religious practice was more relaxed than what her father grew up with, but Chow still didn’t feel safe coming out. Her father, one of the first Pakistanis to attend the Colorado School of Mines, believed in walking a fine line between tradition and encouraging his children to blend in. “Even though we prayed five times a day, I grew up where there were two churches within four blocks of each other from my home, so we would go to Sunday school,” Chow said.

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Hina Chow Photo by Hans Rosemond

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Chow’s childhood revolved around trying not to make waves — she said she felt asexual and focused more on school and going to Muslim camps than dating. But after falling in to an addiction to alcohol, her life changed. She started dating — men and women — while vowing to abide by her Muslim religion and not have sex until marriage. When drinking and losing her virginity eventually came together to bring her to a darker place in her life, Chow’s parents sent her back to Pakistan to get “straightened out.” By then she’d already fallen in love. After six months in Pakistan, Chow returned with a fear that her parents would find out about her sexuality. Her parents and secret girlfriend came to pick her up when she returned, and when they were walking up the stairs in her mother’s house, her father turned to her girlfriend and said “You know she came back for you, right?” That was the moment Chow knew that things in her family were different than before — her sexuality was safe and accepted by her parents. Though Chow believed that her father wanted to blend in with mainstream American society, she knows that it was her parents’ love for her that helped them accept her for who she is. She credits her parents’ American education with giving them more worries about whether their daughter would meet her life goals than over her daughter’s sexuality. Chow’s extended family still doesn’t know — she said it’s a measure of safety for herself, but also for them. “I’m not out to my cousins,” Chow said, “they’re very devout. When my cousins and I visit, it’s a very different Hina. I don’t tell them, not because I’m afraid of what they would do to me, but I’m afraid of what it would do to them. There’s such a fear, and I don’t know if they’re born with it, but I wouldn’t want them to be any less open with me.” That conflict made Chow into an incredibly self-aware person, she said. She still prefers to be the one in control of outing herself because of ongoing anxieties around who is and isn’t safe. As for her philosophies that she follows now in her adult life, Chow believes in a few things: “You know that campaign It Gets Better? I say no, it doesn’t. It doesn’t get better. What happens is you get better. Those people won’t change, it goes from generation to generation. But you can get better. Don’t try to change anybody, you change yourself inside. As for gay Muslims, they should come to the truth that Allah loves them because they’re gay, and they love Allah because they’re gay. At the end of the day, if you are Muslim and gay, you are Muslim.”

different interpretations of the Bible. “I really began to question the things I had grown up believing, the reasoning behind the doctrines of my church, and my own beliefs about the place that spirituality would play in my life,” Cuffy said. “Before, the question had been how can I play a role in the church, now the question became more of how can the church be more applicable in my life.” Cuffy still has love her deep roots in her Seventh Day Adventist upbringing, but said she couldn’t reconcile her feeling of non-inclusiveness in the church with who she knew by then she was. Her mother passed away around the time she came out, which brought another struggle — until then, she’d related being a good and hospitable person to her relationship with her mother and her childhood faith. In one difficult moment, she’d lost both. After a few years of searching for an identity she could feel confident in, Cuffy found herself in a PhD program at the University of Denver in Research Methods and Statistics, and in the summer of 2010 she wandered into a Unitarian Universalist congregation’s Sunday service where laypeople were leading the services instead of ministers. “They got up and shared stories about being divorced at age 22, polyamory in their lives, being accepted as Wicca or Pagan or Atheist, and I just sat there thinking ‘I have found it. I didn’t know these people existed, but here they are.’” It was a powerful contrast from what she knew before. “The only legitimate path for a queer person in the Seventh Day Adventist church is celibacy, and even then, they’re not so sure you should be volunteering.” Cuffy hasn’t officially joined a Unitarian Universalist congregation — its a relationship of curiosity and balance that is accepted in that religion — but sometimes attends their services and finds comfort in practicing mindful meditation and kirtan, a calland-response group chant. She said she enjoys feeling present in the life she is currently in, rather than the focus on the afterlife that dominated her experience with Christianity. Most importantly, she has a community that allows her to be completely out. “It’s very queer-friendly,” Cuffy said. “Three of my ministers in the UU faith are queer. That might just be my own experience, but I know it to be safe. I feel welcomed.”

Myntha Cuffy

Myntha Cuffy Growing up in the Midwest as a Seventh Day Adventist, religious beliefs outside her own didn’t seem real to Myntha Cuffy, 35, who now lives in Denver. Her family, activities and life were all based around her Adventist faith, and which she adhered to without question. But at a Seventh Day Adventist college for her undergraduate degree, she began to question why women weren’t allowed to take leadership roles in church. From there, she began to understand that as a queer woman, her role in the church of wife, mother and caregiver would not be accepted, leaving her with no place in the church. She looked for feminist spiritualties and 20

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Claire Ku’ulei Wilkins

Claire Ku’ulei Wilkins For Claire Ku’ulei Wilkins, a life of options is the only life that makes sense. Why choose when you don’t have to? That’s been her philosophy for her sexual identity as well as her faith. “I identify more now as a spiritual being. I believe in a higher power, whatever name that’s called,” Wilkins said. Wilkins, a 22-year-old student in Fort Collins, was raised in Hawaii as both Episcopalian and Buddhist — the idea of limiting oneself to a single religion felt foreign to her. “I remember coming up to my mom as a young child and being confused, asking why my church friends don’t want to come to temple with me. I asked her, ‘Aren’t Buddha and Jesus talking about the same thing?’” Wilkins avoids too much attachment to identities in that and many other ways: “I don’t identify as either gender, and though I know I am cisgender, I don’t see myself as wholly anything,” she said. “I find that the most beautiful realizations in life, both in gender and spirituality, has been letting go of those labels and letting me be me.” When Wilkins moved from Hawaii to the mainland, she discovered most people considered it abnormal to find love for multiple traditions and allow herself to change with them, a challenge she encountered along with the challenge of being far from home. In her life, she found that coming out as sexually fluid while growing into her spirituality and coming into her own has taught her a lot about who she wants surrounding her. “I feel that after this shift, I can tell who is in line with me in my views of spirituality and gender. I’ve become very selective in my friendships and in learning about my spirituality. It’s very freeing.” She advises those who struggle with identity — especially those who have moved away from where they were raised — with a quote that she says has followed her on her journey: “You can only be yourself when you’re far from home. There’s no way to fake it, no matter how hard you try. Being pushed into that realization made the process of me learning who I was happen quicker.” Z Continued on page 22

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Andy Sethi “A woman in Santa Fe told me once ‘Don’t be a Buddhist, just be a Buddha,’” said Denver addiction counselor Andy Sethi. Sethi was raised in Dallas with both Episcopalian and Hindu influences from his parents. His parents were raised strictly in their respective religious traditions, and their marriage was controversial in both of their communities. Though Sethi himself was raised secular, he grew into a Buddhist spiritual path with encouragement from his parents. But the community he was surrounded by was more conservative. “It was in the atmosphere in Dallas that they still did prayer in school and everything was organized around the church community, and to struggle with my sexual orientation,” he said. “I was looking for something to help relieve the pain of being closeted, confused, and angry. I had a lot of resentment against Christianity, which I think is common in our community.” Sethi said the fundamentalist Christian community he was brought up in did more than give him an aversion to it — it also led him to explore Buddhism, which felt like a stark contrast from his surroundings. He read Buddhist scriptures and texts to fill a spiritual void in his life — a void that’s common in the LGBT community where so many are alienated from mainstream American churches. He read them to feel worthy and whole again, and said they soon all began to make sense. “Buddhism, when I read about it, was like reading something I already knew but hadn’t put into words yet,” he said. “Intuitively, I was like ‘Yes, this is what I’m looking for.’ Mostly because it was about liberation from suffering, which is what Buddhism is about. It’s about how to be happy, basically.” Sethi dove deep into the readings and into practicing martial arts, and discovered in college that Buddhism — its focus on the technology of the mind and cultivating its capacity for happiness — fulfilled a need created by the hurt and anxiety of coming out. He began to take ten-day meditation retreats to work with the problem that he understood to be in his mind. After graduating, he went into monastic Buddhism for two years — a practice similar to being a monk. He worked closely with a Westernized LGBTQ-friendly teacher in Santa Fe. “One thing that people need to understand about Eastern religions in America is that they were primarily popularized by hippies in the sixties. In this country, people who were attracted to that religious tradition tend to be more liberal, which is what I’ve found.” After leaving the monastic life, Sethi sought opportunities to live in service. He became a registered nurse, went to graduate school for psychology at Naropa University in Boulder, then moved to Denver to focus on addiction counseling. “I know my life has to be focused on relieving suffering in the world. Right now, that’s working with people with addictions,” he said. “It melds well with my religious training. Right now, I’m starting to do a little more focus on LGBTQ people with addictions and how I can use my karma and conditioning in this lifetime to be of benefit to other people.” 22

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Andy Sethi Photo by Hans Rosemond

Sethi cautioned LGBT people who are interested in Buddhism to seek out groups with Western influence if they are seeking an LGBT-friendly environment. He said he’s found that homophobic elements in some Buddhist groups are based on culture, rather than the religion itself. “I find that American Buddhists are incredibly open — in fact there is a huge number of queer people who are interested in Buddhism because they’re looking for something that’s not clearly OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

homophobic to them and their culture,” he said. That said, Sethi believes people have a spiritual power in themselves regardless of the religion they choose. “I don’t think that one religious tradition is better than another,” he said, “it’s just a codification of rituals, practices, and doctrines that all ultimately lead someone to the same place.” Z Continued on page 24

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Alistair Andrew Bane It’s not common to grow up both Irish Catholic and Shawnee Indian — but Alistair Andrew Bane’s life has very little that’s common about it. Bane, 47, is a citizen of the Eastern Shawnee Nation of Oklahoma, and an artist. He identifies as Two Spirit, which Bane loosely defines as a cultural and spiritual role that Western culture interprets as a form of LGBTQ identity. He said the Two Spirit are creative people — often artists like he is — with specialized places in their nation. Bane said being Two Spirit is both recognizing one’s role in the community and the community recognizing that role within the person — and points out that there’s a big difference between that and the Western concept of sexual orientation. “Human sexuality may be less constrained in the labels we want to put on it, so a man might have a relationship with a man but not necessarily be Two Spirit. We don’t see things defined on the lines of sexual orientation the way Western culture does. In Western society, gender roles are forced upon people, and in our society it’s more about assurance of quality,” he said. “If a man walked into an area that belongs to women, he’d be treading on her area. Women took care of the land, because the land is like the woman. For a man to go and start digging up that earth would be sort of like a sacrilege.” Bane became more engaged in about his Shawnee background and the concept of Two Sprit as an adult. To him it was a new way of thinking — the Catholic Church had previously had him believing that Creator did not accept him, he said. “That’s a really vulnerable place to be, because if you’re an LGBTQI person and you’re told that Creator doesn’t accept you and your parents don’t accept you, then how can you love yourself?” Bane said. “How can you figure out your place in this world?” Bane said that it’s easy for Western culture to draw a comparison between LGBTQ identities

Alistair Andrew Bane Photo by Hans Rosemond

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and Two Spirit, but there are still differences. Bane tells a story of bringing a friend to a pow wow and watching the men use drums in the circle, where women were not involved. She said that she believed it was sexist, but Bane explained that since women are able to grow heartbeats within themselves, the drum (given to the men participating in the pow wow) signifies the heartbeat that a man can never grow. The drum is part of sharing in that part of the woman that a man can never have on his own. Bane’s advice to those who want to learn more about Two Spirit and native culture is to be wary of those who advertise themselves as any highranking member of an Indian community. “Our spiritual leaders don’t talk that way about themselves. Usually, somebody else might say that about them but they never say it about themselves. They never charge money for things, and I see a lot of people being taken advantage of when they think they’re learning our ways, but what they’re being sold is false. We don’t have classes and we don’t have workshops and we don’t have books.” Bane does hope that people who are not a part of the Indian community choose to learn about native peoples and Two Spirit people so they can see that it is not a religion, but rather a way of life. “All of us are born exactly how we’re supposed to be. To question that is sort of in a way to question Creator, and say that maybe Creator made a mistake. My people have always known that who we are is what we’re born into, and our choice in life is whether we utilize who we are and the gifts we have to serve our people. That’s our only choice. Not our sexuality, not our gender identity.”

Gerald Holbrook Gerald Holbrook, 67, has deep ties to the Christian faith — so deep that he twice entered seminary to become clergy, once in the Anglican Church and once in Roman Catholicism. A classical musician, spirituality and music have for Holbrook always gone hand-in-hand, with his sexuality weaving between the two. “We all need ritual, and there’s lots of rituals in the Roman Catholic Church,” Holbrook said. “Just going into a church and the service to pray; say the rosary, light a candle...all these things, it’s all ritual that gives one a sense of belonging, of being a part of a greater whole that’s important.” But unlike many who walk in that path, Holbrook has known all along that he is gay. “I knew I was gay – I didn’t know what gay was, but I knew I was different – I knew I was different when I was four,” he said. “I knew it had to be kept a secret, because nobody talked about it. I knew that was my orientation.” Holbrook was closeted but active in the gay community for years before he came out. A move to Lincoln, NE, brought Gerald to a community that had him cross paths with gay people, even though he was not out himself. Holbrook had a religious experience during his junior year in college that led him to the Anglican faith, moving him so deeply that he dropped out of school to attend a monastery. It didn’t stop him from having relationships with other men from the closet, but when he eventually left the monastery it wasn’t because of his OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

Gerald Holbrook

sexuality, Holbrook said. “I left the monastery because my need for music wasn’t met. Later, in London, I was singing at an Anglican church with lots of ceremony, and of course the music was wonderful. It was the thing that attracted me to the church, all of the liturgy and the music.” Holbrook came out while he later worked for a United Methodist church — he’d stumbled upon one of the first Reconciling Ministries Network meetings for lesbian and gay Methodists. He came out to the pastor of the church, who said he’d already known Holbrook was gay and didn’t have a problem. From there, Holbrook’s life seemed to move in the opposite direction from how many LGBT people of faith progress in their spiritual lives — he got a job as the associate director of music at a Roman Catholic church in Chicago, and found himself growing closer to the religion that many other LGBT people leave as they come of age. The church Holbrook worked in had other gay employees, and he found himself so deeply enthralled in the music made inside the space that he decided to revisit his monastic background. He joined the Roman Catholic Church and entered seminary to become a priest. Holbrook had already come out of the closet and was happy living and working in Boystown at his church — but after moving to Washington D.C. for seminary, he found he had to go back into it, not only for his safety but to be allowed to continue through the process. Holbrook was disenchanted — he felt he wasn’t able to work as deeply with music as he wanted, and wasn’t able to be who he felt he truly was. He found himself escaping to the gay neighborhoods — forbidden for seminary students. He said that leaving the church but continuing to follow his passion of making classical music in churches has opened doors he couldn’t have gone through in monastery or seminary. “They’re all together. They’re my whole being. How did I deal with my sexuality as Roman Catholic? I had no problem with it; I had no guilt. The church is wrong.” Holbrook said LGBTQ-identifying Catholics should find groups like Dignity, or a priest who’s welcoming, to discover ways to live out their faiths as true to who they are. Though he’s left Christianity to work through his spirituality through music spending time in nature, he believes individuals should try to find what works for them. “Look for groups of men and women who want to keep their faith and keep their connection with the Roman Catholic Church — where nobody’s telling you you’re going to Hell,” he said, “while being in an environment that’s safe and honorable and comfortable.”

[ DOWNTOWN ]

LEGAL ALLIES*

Dissolving a civil union By Kyle J. Martelon Associate attorney, Wedgle & Spahn, P.C.

DO YOU HAVE A LEGAL QUESTION? CONTACT ONE OUR TRUSTED PARTNERS LISTED HERE

[ SOUTH ]

[ DOWNTOWN ]

t What is the first step a same-sex partner should take when seeking a civil union dissolution?

Ending any relationship can be incredibly difficult for a variety of reasons. A civil union dissolution between two same-sex partners is no exception. Every relationship, and therefore every dissolution, will present unique and differing sets of circumstances. As such, the “first step” for a partner in one dissolution may greatly differ than that for a partner in another dissolution. However, for many or most, this “first step” may very well entail seeking the advice of legal counsel. A necessary “first step” may also entail seeking the help and support of family members and loved ones, which may include emotional as well as financial support, depending on the circumstances present. In any case, it is always advisable for one to take a detailed look at one’s finances, as that is often an issue in a dissolution. It is also wise for a partner to assess the nature of the relationship and communication he or she may have with the other partner to the dissolution. If it is possible to maintain an open and even respectful dialogue, that can make it easier to sort through some of the initial issues that arise when a dissolution begins, such as “how are we going to pay the monthly bills during this period” or “how are we going to co-parent” when there are children involved. If it is not possible to maintain a dialogue with the other partner, it may become even more

critical to seek legal counsel sooner rather than later.

t What potential hardships or issues could arise while dissolving a civil union?

Many hardships and issues may arise while dissolving a civil union. Unfortunately, these processes can take an emotional toll on one or both parties, and such issues cannot be discounted. Difficulties may also heighten when the parties are intimately entwined legally and financially (such as owning a business together, having extensive amounts of co-owned property, etc.). Further, issues may arise when there are children involved or multi-state circumstances. Hardships may also present themselves in the form of financial strain, housing displacement of one or both partners, and supporting two potentially separate households on the same amount of income.

[ BOULDER ]

t How long does the dissolution process take?

In part, this depends on the jurisdiction in which the dissolution action is filed. Sometimes, the process can take three to four months, and sometimes it can take well over a year. The length of a dissolution also depends on the nature and complexity of the issues between the parties, along with the ability of the parties to compromise and work together to resolve their outstanding issues.

[ NORTH ]

*Legal Allies is a marketing and resource program by Out Front

[ WEST ]

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Paris on a plate: Go for the culture, but not the cuisine THE MELTING POT 2707 W. Main St. Littleton • (303)-794-5666 MeltingPot.com

By Jeffrey Steen

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LITTLE DRAGON 1305 Krameria Street, G Denver • 303-322-2128 LittleDragonDenver.com

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

Sadly, though, that’s about all the praise I LET ME POP YOUR CULINARY PIPE DREAMS have for Paris eats. Breakfasts were expectedly RIGHT NOW: Paris ain’t no heavenly feast. Before you call me out on my unsavory sass, carb-heavy, though not even high-quality, flaky let me share with you an experience I recently carbs — just mass produced pastries and prebuttered bread dolled up next to strong cups of enjoyed in the City of Good Eats. Whether a fan or not, you have to admit coffee. Lunch was non-existent (it turns out they that Paris is a bit checkered. On the one hand, don’t like you noshing on sandwiches in front stretched far out into the 19 narrodisement, the of the Mona Lisa). And dinner was whatever I eats are a combination of touristy shlock (read: could find, wherever I could find it. In an attempt to experience something outday-old croissants) and tasty tidbits without much embellishment. There are even sandwich boards side the tourist-clogged heart of the city, howadvertising the “American breakfast” — an over- ever, I did venture out to Versailles. And while dose of fried eggs, meat, croissants, and in some Louis’ gardens are both beautiful and ridiculously impressive, the food in cases, pancakes. Because we the nearby ville was something Americans fly halfway around of a let-down. My final night’s the world to eat pancakes. Whether a fan indulgence: Chicken à la NorDown by the Seine, however, mande, which turned out to be I expected things to heat up. or not, you have schnitzel with a cream sauce, That is to say, get more romansome butter lettuce, and fries tic and delicious. The romantic to admit that piled to the sky. Escoffier would part was soured by persistent have turned over in his grave. rain, and the food… well… Let’s Paris is a bit The truth is, I’m willing to just say it left me wondering give Paris another shot. I didn’t what this lust for Parisian fare checkered. have a chance to make it up the is all about. Eiffel Tower, after all, or ride a The best dish I had — soaked boat down the pollution-logged from a storm and resting inside a back street bistro after four hours in the Louvre Seine. But if I’m going to sail across an ocean for — was a cassoulet. You know this peasant dish, a meal and an experience, I need them both to surely. Simple but oh-so-scrumptious, it smelled of be good. So where do I start? Tell me, oh internaday-long simmering and earthy rosemary. All in tional foodies still anchored in Denver — tell me all, it was nothing to write home about: beans met where I can be awed by the gustatory prowess of duck met sausage. That was it. But I couldn’t say the culinary capital of the world! Or is this all just a silly pipe dream? enough about how rib-sticking satisfying it was.

SOCIAL

It’s a given that Versailles, the Louvre, the Arc de Triomphe, etc. are all monumentally impressive. But what about the food that the decadent Sun King enjoyed back in the 17th century? Would you be surprised to hear it was just as ridiculously indulgent? Here’s a taste:

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

HIGH SOCIETY

THE BOOK OF MORMON Oct. 22 - Nov. 24 Curtis & 14th • Denver DenverCenter.org

Tour the city of love with Passport to Paris at the Denver Art Museum SPAMALOT Nov. 16 - Mar. 1 5501 Arapahoe Ave. • Boulder BouldersDinnerTheatre.com

A BROADWAY CHRISTMAS Dec. 6 • Boettcher Concert Hall 1000 14th St. • Denver ColoradoSymphony.org

ANNIE Nov. 15 - Dec. 29 2450 W Main St. • Littleton TownHallArtsCenter.com

HOLIDAY BRASS WITH COLORADO SYMPHONY Dec. 1 10075 Commons Street • Lone Tree LoneTreeArtsCenter.org

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

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By Mike Pearson A century after they first shared exhibition space in the salons of Paris, Edgar Degas, Claude Monet and Camille Pissarro are together again, this time for a trio of shows at the Denver Art Museum.

Given the number of great painters in the “Passport to Paris” surveys 300 years of French painting and brings together nearly 150 master show — even lesser known lights like Nicolas works by such luminaries as Henri Toulouse- Poussin and Francois Boucher get their due—one Lautrec, Vincent Van Gogh and Paul Cezanne — a wonders who the star of this exhibit might be. “In all three shows we will have 11 works virtual who’s who of impressionist and post-imby Claude Monet, one of the most significant pressionist painters. Under the headings “Court to Café,” “Nature and beloved artists of the 19th century,” HeinAs Muse” and “Drawing Room,” the exhibit will rich observes. “Altogether it’s almost like a little Claude Monet retrospecshowcase works from the tive. It starts with an early Wadsworth Atheneum of THE DETAILS: caricature he did as a rebelHartford, Connecticut, the lious schoolboy, and goes Frederic C. Hamilton ColWHAT: “Passport to Paris: 300 through some late water lection and the Esmond Years of French Art” lily paintings. Beyond that, Bradley Martin Collection , all the big names of French the latter two housed at the WHERE: Denver Art Museum, art are represented.” DAM. You’d have to travel 100 W. 14th Ave. Parkway As it did with the Italian the globe to match the comRenaissance show “Cities bined stature of these colWHEN: Through Feb. 9. of Splendor” in 2011, the lected works. The museum will have special museum is making “PassThe suite of shows opens hours for the show; check the port to Paris” a sensory Oct. 27 and runs through website at ofcnow.co/YXT for experience. The Colorado Feb. 9, which should give times and weekly in-house performances by the Colorado Symphony Orchestra will visitors plenty of time to Symphony Orchestra. perform period French muexplore the progression of sic at 1 p.m. Saturdays from French art over three cenADMISSION: Special timed Nov. 2 to Feb. 9, and the muturies beginning with the tickets for the duration of the seum has borrowed period court of Louis XIV. show. $12 for members, $22 for clothing and furniture from “The three parts of this non-members. Free audio guide the Los Angeles County Mushow will only be seen (towith admission. seum of Art to provide atgether) here in Denver,” exmosphere and context. plains Christoph Heinrich, INFORMATION: 720-913-0130 “(The furniture and muthe director of the Denver or Denvermuseum.org sic) are really transportArt Museum and one of the ing the spirit of the time,” curators of the shows. “The Court show is from one of the most significant Heinrich said. “We wanted to cover 300 years of collections of French art in the country (Hartford) French culture, history and taste. Of course, the and this collection travels. The two other shows art is front and center, but the show is also about were specifically conceived for Denver. ‘Nature’s the time, an incredibly dense time in French hisMuse’ is the first time the private collection of tory. So it starts with the court of Louis XIV, goes Frederic Hamilton will be on view here in Denver. through Rococo and French Revolution, and ends And ‘Drawing Room’ is a collection of Old Master in the early 20th century.” drawings from private collections at the museum. r Visit Denvermuseum.org for more information. They’ve never been on display together.” OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

CAFE VIVID

COMING EVENTS NOV

20-24

Cora Vette’s RestoMod Burlesque

NOV

Thurs

The Power of Preschool

Fri

@ CHEROKEE RANCH & CASTLE 6113 NORTH DANIELS PARK ROAD IN SEDALIA • 6–9:30 P.M. r more info online at ofcnow.co/Enh

@ DENVER CENTRAL LIBRARY 10 W 14TH AVE

@ VOODOO COMEDY PLAYHOUSE 1260 22ND STREET • DENVER • 8 P.M.

r more info online at ofcnow.co/iTy

r more info online at ofcnow.co/BPJ

free admission

tickets $20

NOV

NOV 22 thru

FEB 8

Sat

Merritt Johnson Emergency Mantle for Diplomatic Security and Near Invisibility (detail) mixed media, 2013‌

NOV headliners God-Des & She

26 Tues

@ THE BOULDER THEATER 2032 14TH ST. IN BOULDER With Boulder’s September Pride event postponed due to catastrophic flooding, the revamped Boulder PrideFest takes place at the Boulder Theater from 3 p.m. to 8 p.m. with a performance by the Tah Tahs and other special guests, vendors and a special after-party hosted by DJ Tatiana. r more info online at ofcnow.co/Sf9 NOVEMBER 20, 2013

Murder Mystery Party

Journey through a day in the life of a preschool child and see first-hand how math, literacy, science and social-emotional skills are being developed in our youngest learners.

N OV

It’s Columbo vs. The Wild West when America’s favorite crumpled homicide detective stumbles upon Miss Kitty’s Christmas Jamboree!

Offers a glimpse into the life of a preschool child through the lens of five local, award-winning photographers

Boulder PrideFest

Columbo and The Case of The Country Christmas Killer

SOCIAL

Healthcare 101 Join one of our Q&A sessions, where you can get the facts about the Affordable Care Act and find answers to all of your healthcare questions.

@ THE GLBT COMMUNITY CENTER OF COLORADO • 1301 EAST COLFAX AVE DENVER • 5 P.M.

Cross Currents Native American forces in contemporary art

The artists of Cross Currents represent the spirit of innovation by blending elements found in traditional Native American art with meaning and strategies born of 21st century artmaking, adding unique voices to the visual language of today.

@ CENTER FOR VISUAL ART 965 SANTA FE DRIVE, DENVER r more info online at ofcnow.co/6mQ

Charlie’s Annual Thanksgiving Day Feast

N OV

28 Thurs

Happy hour all day, with tips & donations benefiting Project Angel Heart

free admission

@ CHARLIE’S • 900 E. COLFAX AVE. DENVER • 1 P.M.

r more info online at ofcnow.co/HSw

r more info online at ofcnow.co/charlies

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

NOV

28 Thurs

DEC

40th Annual

Mile High United Way Turkey Trot

Mon

DEC

Wed

@ WASHINGTON PARK IN DENVER • 7–11 A.M. r more info online at ofcnow.co/XW9

Proudly Speaking Toastmasters @ THE GLBT COMMUNITY CENTER OF COLORADO 1301 E. COLFAX AVE. Learn speaking and leadership skills in a supportive, friendly LGBT club. Meeting begins at 6:15 p.m. with free parking next door at the thrift store. r more info online at ofcnow.co/8yQ

NOV

29 Fri

CosbyCon 2013

Sweater contest. Jello shots. Pudding pops—and now with Raven-Symoné BLACK SHEEP FRIDAYS @ THE DENVER MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART 1485 DELGANY ST. • 7—9 P.M. admission $5 r more info online at ofcnow.co/fvb

NOV

30 Sat

Beverly Hillbillies Thanksgiving @ PIRATES COVE LOUNGE AND DANCE CLUB • 105 CENTRAL PLAZA IN PUEBLO • 8 P.M. r more info online at ofcnow.co/SjR ofcnow.co/

A holiday concert commemorating

World AIDS Day Presented by the Boulder County AIDS Project in partnership with the Denver Gay Men’s Chorus. @ FIRST UNITED METHODIST CHURCH • 1421 SPRUCE ST IN BOULDER • 7:30 P.M. r for more info and tickets visit ofcnow.co/rmarts

FIND MORE Find more upcoming Colorado events or add your own online at ofcnow.co/CafeVivid OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

SOCIAL

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

WEEKLY SPECIALS FROM OUT FRONT’S LGBT-INCLUSIVE BAR PARTNERS.

AQUA LOUNGE

EL POTRERO

TUESDAYS

DRAG WEDNESDAYS: NO COVER

Mile Hi Bullseye Dart League. Open play and free darts at 10 p.m., league play at 7 p.m.

2-for-1 beers, $3 rum, and vodka specials, $2 drafts

Facebook.com/Aqua.Denver

WEDNESDAYS

Wet Wednesday Dance party with DJ Tatiana and GoGo Dancers; 75 cent beers, $2 wells, $4 Absolut. THURSDAYS

Karaoke hosted by Dave Myers at 8 p.m.; half-price bar from 8-9 p.m.

BLACK CROWN

BlackCrownLounge.com DAILY HAPPY HOUR

4 p.m. – 6 p.m. MONDAYS

1/2 price select bottles of wine SUNDAYS Martinis & Misbehavin’ with Cora Vette and $8 Kettle One martinis

BLUSH & BLU

BlushBluBar.com DAILY HAPPY HOUR

$3 wells, vino, domestics, lattes; $1.50 PBR’s; $4 shots of Fireball 3 p.m. to 7 p.m.

Facebook.com/el.potrero.180

LI’L DEVILS

LilDevilsLounge.com WEDNESDAYS

$4 22-ounces tanks of your choice. SUNDAYS: TRIVIA NIGHT

Compete for free drinks and bar tabs, starting at 7:30 p.m., $3 Smirnoff.

LIPSTICK NIGHTCLUB lipstick.us.com

HOURS OF OPERATION

8 p.m. to 2 a.m., Wednesday through Sunday. Visit website for specials.

PIRATES COVE • PUEBLO Facebook.com/ piratescoveeventspage NEW & IMPROVED

SUNDAYS Molly’s famous $4 Bloodys

Special guest DJ Hurricane

BoyzTownDenver.com HAPPY HOUR

Monday-Thursday: 3 – 8 p.m. U CALLS

Monday–Thursday: Absolut $4.50 Friday & Sunday: Stoli $4.50 Friday–Sunday: 3Olives $4.50

NOVEMBER 23 NOVEMBER 30: BEVERLY HILLBILLIES

Drink specials starting at 9pm. Bring out your best hillbilly & get prizes & drink specials. $2 cover

TRACKS

TracksDenver.com SUPERSTAR THURSDAYS

COMPOUND BASIX

18 + dance party Cover: 18-20 $10, 21+ $5 after 10 p.m.

DAILY HAPPY HOUR

ELEVATED SATURDAYS

CompoundDenver.com

5 p.m. – 8 p.m., $2.50 wells, $3 domestic longnecks, $2 off calls

2-for-1 drinks between 9 – 10 p.m. No cover before 10 p.m.

FRIDAY & SATURDAY DANCE PARTIES

WRANGLER

$2 wells, 9 p.m. to 11 p.m. $4 JagerBombs all night long BEER BUSTS

Fridays – Sundays, 6 – 10 p.m., $8.

CHARLIE’S

CharliesDenver.com DAILY BEER SPECIAL

$4 for a 32 oz. domestic pitcher and $8 for a premium pitcher

DenverWrangler.com WEDNESDAYS: TRIVIA NIGHT

Geeks who Drink Pub Trivia 8 p.m. $2 house vodka, Bud & Coors pints SATURDAYS

$3 Svedka // 2nd Saturday SWEET 5th Saturday RETRO SWEET! SUNDAYS: BEER BUST

$8 Legendary Beer Bust (4-8 p.m.)

THURSDAYS: 1/2 PRICE NIGHT FRIDAYS:

X BAR

$10 Buddy Beer Bust, 5 p.m. $3 Absolut, 9 p.m. SATURDAYS: $5 Beer Bust, 2 p.m. SUNDAYS: Drag show, 9 p.m.

MONDAY–SATURDAY

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

photos by Charles Broshous

$2 rum and vodka specials, $2 drafts, $5 Jose Cuervo, $15 beer buckets and $5 Jager shots

Karaoke at 9 p.m.

BOYZTOWN

CHARLIE’S x

GO-GO FRIDAYS: NO COVER

The Pirates Cove in Pueblo introduces new management, staff and entertainment.

FRIDAYS

e FLESH: FIRST SUNDAYS

XBarDenver.com BOGO happy hour: 3 p.m. – 6 p.m. SUNDAY

$5 lemonade buckets all day SOCIAL

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FOR TWITTER UPDATES AND INTERACTIVE MAP GO TO OFCNOW.CO/BTAB

4501 E Virginia Ave Denver, Colorado 80246 • (303) 388-8889 www.facebook.com/elpotreroclub

th S t.

W es

J. LIPSTICK

D. BOYZTOWN

1446 S. Broadway Denver, CO 80210 720.353.4701

K. TRACKS

F. COMPOUND BASIX

L. WRANGLER

G. EL POTRERO

Monaco Pkwy.

W Byers Pl.

Broadway

I. LI’L DEVILS

Krameria St.

E. 2nd Ave.

C. BLUSH & BLU

H. HAMBURGER MARY’S

Colorado Blvd.

Colfax Ave.

B. BLACK CROWN

Humboldt St.

Downing St.

Logan St.

E. 17th Ave.

Emerson St.

E. 18th Ave.

A. AQUA LOUNGE

E. CHARLIES k

Washington St.

Broadway

E. 20th Ave.

Downing St.

. t St lnu a W

989 SHERIDAN BLVD LIPSTICK.US.COM

Colfax Ave.

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E. 1st Ave.

Alameda Ave.

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

SOCIAL

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

RADIOACTIVE VISION

Straight men from Mars, women from Venus, gay men from… By Nuclia Waste IT’S A KNOWN FACT: GAY MEN CAN DANCE, STRAIGHT MEN CANNOT. Some straight men try, but they look like fish dangling on the end of a hook, flopping around. Mr. Waste has a little routine called his Straight Man Dance. He jerks around on the dance floor, out of time and out of rhythm. It’s flawless and spot on. Many times when I am dancing at the club into the wee hours of the morning, I will yell to my dance partner, “I wonder what the straight people are doing tonight?” In my imagination they are at home leading rather boring lives. My good friend and author, Jill Connor Browne, says women need five men in the their life. One to fix things, one they can talk to, one to buy them things, one that they can dance with, and one to have sex with. Only one of these men has to be straight. We can dance, shop and listen. As for fixing things, well, we can fix some hair and fix a good cocktail. In my house, that’s all the fixing I require.

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

genes. I can whip up Why are gay men a stunning company and straight men so logo or prize-winning different? Sure, we stilt-walking costume, are attracted to oppobut I cannot decorate site sexes. But the difa house for shit. The ferences run so much gay interior decoratdeeper than the pering gene is not in my son we want to sleep repertoire, unless you with. Growing up, my count hoarding as a younger straight brothtalent. Similarly, the er had a thing for keys gay hair styling gene and engines. Today he cannot be found in my fixes planes for UPS as Nuclia Waste follicles. I can whip a mechanical engineer. up a tasty Thai curry I had a thing for stuffed animals and paint-by-number kits. without using a recipe — but ask Today I design marketing pieces as me to style a wig, and it looks more a creative director. Our gayness or like road kill than Rhoda Kills. If women are from Venus and straightness permeates every fiber of our bodies. His fibers are denim straight men are from Mars, gay and polyester, mine are cashmere men must be from Uranus. All puns and 100 percent cotton. Even be- aside, the minds of gay men and fore he was attracted to girls and straight men are clearly different. football (for the game) and I was at- We certainly see the world through tracted to football (for the guys), our very different eyes. That’s not a bad thing. In the differences were quite pronounced. My brother built a go-kart. I made Stone Age, someone from the tribe had to actually go out and kill the sure the upholstery was divine. But even as a gay man, I did not mastodon. And then someone else get all the fabulous and creative had to make it taste oh so delicious.

SOCIAL

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

Later, someone had to wrap the head of their enemy in burlap (inventing soccer), and someone else had to come along and say, “Oh, no honey. Those uniforms will not do. Put this on instead.” Truly there is a place for everyone in the world. Looking at the world through straight or gay lenses gives us different vantage points from which to call the shots. Sometimes those shots are bourbon whiskey and sometimes they are peppermint schnapps. Either way, someone is going to get drunk and wonder the next morning who’s the stranger in bed with them. So let’s toast to our differences whether straight or gay. The world would be a boring place without the other. Bottoms up! (Which can mean two very different things to gay and straight ears.) Nuclia Waste, the triple-nipple drag queen of comedy, is Out Front’s radioactive cultural columnist. See more columns at ofcnow.co/nuclia or contact her through her website at NucliaWaste.com.

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

INTERVIEW

Denver fashion designer Juan Jimenez: a name to watch By Robyn Vie-Carpenter

I first encountered Juan Jimenez and his design company, Barrera International, at a sultry summer night in Denver’s Santa Fe Art District — at the kind of event where the fashiondevoted will come regardless of the location or comfort because they’re promised such a good show. We weren’t disappointed. I had the pleasure of sitting down with him for an interview this fall. Juan told me his story and talked about what inspires him, what it means to produce couture in Denver and working with iconic designer Tom Ford, all while preparing for his first solo show.

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

ROBYN VIE-CARPENTER: Your collection is so beautiful! What’s inspiring you? JUAN JIMENEZ: I’ve been working with jewel tones — all of the blouses are pleated by hand — and working within the symmetry of the lines. I’ve always loved purple so I’m using that. We’re going for a very Asian and French Couture feel — I import everything. I chose all of the colors, which is why I chose the Space Gallery [to host my show]; I wanted a completely white background. This is Autumn/Winter 2014 and covers two collections, and we’ll be strong going into Spring [2015]. It sounds incredible — with sponsors, VIP attendees and appetizers designed to reflect the collection — so how did it happen? Let’s start with Tom Ford. Tom Ford honestly seemed almost unreachable to me. I had to do an internship with [my program at] Johnson & Wales. I had big aspirations; I’ve said one day I want

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to see my stuff at Paris Fashion Week. But for me, it was unbelievable. I wasn’t even born in the States — I was born in Mexico. I came up here when I was nine, didn’t know a word of English. It was a whole different world for me. Did you always know you wanted to be in fashion? Fashion wasn’t even in the picture until I graduated high school. I went to Johnson and Wales and signed up for their Fashion Merchandising Program. At the time I was lost; I was just going to college and I didn’t know what I was doing. I just knew I wanted to go, and figure out what I wanted to do. Figuring out your path is what college is for! How did you go from that to where you are now? I fell in love with this line I saw in Neiman Marcus, and it was Tom Ford. I looked them up and there was only

one name in the New York office, so I ended up calling them saying I want to do my internship there. At the time I didn’t know who Tom Ford was. I started reading up on him, and when I broke it to my professor she said ‘oh my God you’re crazy. You have to move to New York. And you’ll have to do this. And it’s so competitive,’ Which it was. There were people from all over the place interviewing for the exact same position, and here I was with just retail experience, no fashion experience whatsoever, from Denver. Sure enough I got the call saying ‘we’d like to interview you.’ That week I dropped everything, I booked a flight to New York, not knowing where I was going, and interviewed. I thought they wouldn’t select me — there were so many other people, some of them even lived in New York. But I kept following up with them, and she finally emailed me back, I’d like to congratulate you. You got the internship. And I was like, oh my God, I’m going to be moving to New York. How exciting. What a big deal. I broke it to my parents. They were like, you are just crazy. New York is so different. I dropped everything, gave my notice at work — I was like, listen, I’m going to be gone for three months. Which actually got extended to being six months. At that time I had no idea what I was walking into. I mean, I met the investors of Tom Ford. I delivered Anna Wintour’s wardrobe for the season. We styled Brad Pitt for the Cannes Film Festival. We styled Jay Z for the Met[ropolitan Museum, Costume Institute] Gala. For me, it was such an eye-opener on so many levels — high fashion, celebrities, all of this media — we ended up styling [Justin Timberlake] for Saturday Night Live. I delivered his wardrobe for that night. I met him. I met his stylist. You know [now] I still have all of these contacts with stylists in New York City. That a big deal for a new fashion house. Once I’m able to launch, my main goal is to launch here. I want it to be something that I’m proud of, and this is where I come from, where I grew up. I want to grow it to an international level, but from Denver. You’re young and you’ve experienced a lot already, so you seem poised to be able to make a real fashion statement here. That’s exactly what I want. r Learn more about Juan Jimenez and Barrera International at www.barrerainternational.com.

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

ON ONTHE THESCENE SCENE

e Pathway to Marriage Roadshow FIRST UNITARIAN SOCIETY x

Nov. 7

photos by Charles Broshous

One Colorado has taken to the streets to host a series of town hall meetings — a statewide tour to engage the community and begin laying the groundwork for marriage equality in Colorado. The “Pathway to Marriage Roadshow” will stop in 18 cities across the state to share information, generate community support and enlist volunteers. About 50 people turned out for the presentation on November 7 at the First Unitarian Society of Denver. r Visit www.one-colorado.org for more information.

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

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ON THE SCENE

e Friday Night Karaoke BLUSH & BLU x

Nov. 8

photos by Charles Broshous

Blush & Blu was the place to be on November 8 for those looking for stiff drinks and the chance to sing a little karaoke. Owners Jody Bouffard and Holly Hatch mixed up the libations, while DJ Stacks indulged the jovial crowd with his musical prowess between singers. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll find karaoke at the distinct drinkery on Friday nights starting at 9 P.M.

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

BEAUTY

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MEDIA COVERAGE OF WELLNESS AND EATING TENDS TO FOCUS ON ITS TWO EXTREMES — OVEREATING AND UNDEREATING. We’ll see it now especially with the holiday season’s focus on food. There’s an “obesity epidemic” and a “disturbing trend” of anorexia or bulimia, transformation stories of someone going from overweight to unbelievably thin or cut — and all the magazines on newsstands and declaring that the movie star du jour has gotten too skinny or too fat. Why is it so hard to find depictions of everything in the middle? Maybe its because the middle is seen as mundane. It’s sensationalist headlines that lure readers — people don’t turn to media to read about what’s “normal.” Controversy sells magazines and fills comment queues on websites. Stark contrasts capture attention. This is the kind of journalism that makes money. I was inspired to revisit society’s wonky ranking system of physical characteristics over personal accomplishments after reading some further insight from Tina Fey in her memoir Bossy Pants. After noticeably losing some weight, Fey ran into an old friend who complimented her “accomplishment” — not her successful TV show or new baby, but her slimmer figure. Tina Fey, being Tina Fey, saw it as indicative of a broader issue and launched a written campaign against the superficiality of the entertainment business. Think about it — even for the most high-profile entertainment award shows, we can’t help ourselves but to indulge — we devote full gossip shows and magazine spreads to the best- and

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worst-dressed while the vast majority were unremarkable. As a result, the winners being honored for their talent and creativity receive a brief mention in an article with considerably fewer online page views. Perhaps this is why we tend to focus on extremes; “normal” ultimately leaves us to set physical appearances aside and define people in other ways, looking for hard-earned accomplishments and signs of character that take more effort to notice or appreciate. We actually have to get to know a person — remembering that she or he recently created a prestigious creative work, or adopted a shelter dog. Yet personal connections, especially those left unfostered for a period of time, are quicker to reestablish over superficial observations of things we see before we speak: an instant-gratification media culture drawn into our daily lives. It’s hard to imagine what media would look like if we as society began to reject the need to focus on extremes, settling for normal and learning to praise it a little more — in both our personal lives and pop culture. It would call for a massive shift of consumer trends, with readers and viewers diverting their attention from the superficial to the positive and uplifting. But we can’t just blame the media, which only gives us what we’ll watch or click on. Perhaps when we begin to demand a deeper insight from the media we’ll see results — I believe we can. Kelsey Lindsey is Out Front’s beauty columnist writing from an affirming perspective on being your best you. See more beauty columns at ofcnow.co/ beauty or contact Kelsey at kelsey.a.lindsey@gmail.com.

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FAITH

GIVE WHERE

YOU LIVE My mother’s heavenly father By Rob Barger t MY FAMILY IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF MY LIFE, AND I DON’T TALK TO THEM AS MUCH AS I SHOULD. I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way. Like any other family, we have problems and disagreements: one issue is religion. I’m a devout atheist, my parents are devout Christians, and my sister is just certain that the universe had to come from something, even if she’s admittedly not sure what. I’m not sure what my brother believes; we don’t discuss it. (He’s smart to stay out of trouble that way.) Coming out to my family as an atheist was in some ways tougher than coming out as gay. While my parents love, respect and understand my homosexuality, they see my atheism as my way of acting out like a petulant child. My mom fights me about it more than anyone else (I think my dad tolerates my thoughts on religion as a young-adulthood phase). My mom has used many of the tired tricks of the trade to get me to find a fallacy in atheism and attend church with her. There are many, but I’ll sum them up with two examples. One is the old Pascal’s Wager. “What’s to lose in believing in god and turning out to be wrong? Nothing. But what’s to lose from not believing in god and turning out to wrong? Only HEAVEN, Rob.” I believe there is harm in believing in god when it’s a cause for discrimination. According to my mother’s own statement, god will discriminate against me for being an unbeliever, and throw me in hell. In the bigger picture, many manifestations of religion have and continue to discriminate against the LGBT community, amongst other oddballs

of humanity, chucking them all into eternal darkness right with me. I don’t want to go on a tangent about these things — I could probably go on for pages and pages. The second way my mom tries to “convert” me are sly ways of sneaking my inadequacies into a conversation as being related to me not being a believer. I recently went through a short period of depression/anxiety symptoms. My mom asked if I thought it could be reading evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins’s book, The God Delusion, triggering my emotional turmoil. I’m not innocent in all this — I get frustrated and angry when my family and I don’t agree, and we all think we’re the ones who are right when it comes to our particular belief or nonbelief in a supernatural being. When we argue I get loud and red-faced; my mom gets the bonus of looking calm, cool and collected, in the name of Jesus and her church. Atheism shouldn’t be judged the way it is — most atheists are caring, compassionate people who don’t need a god to tell them that volunteering at a soup kitchen on the weekends is a righteous thing to do. They also don’t have a list of specific people to exclude from their private afterlife party. They get to eat meat on Fridays, wear what they want, enjoy a certain amount of sexual freedom and don’t need to worry about someone judging their entire life when they’re done living it. They’re people. They believe differently from the majority of Americans, but they’re people all the same. My mom and I probably won’t ever sway each other, and that’s okay. We’re working on being more respectful of the other’s beliefs — and god or no god, that’s got to be putting some good juju in the world.

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

URBANISM

Denver rail transit: Coming to a neighborhood near you By Ken Schroeppel t IF YOU LIVE IN, WORK IN, OR VISIT THE DENVER METRO AREA, HERE’S SOME GOOD NEWS: One of the nation’s largest rail transit systems is being built right now in the Mile High City. This is exciting news for several reasons: It will give people an alternative to driving their car; it will help decrease air pollution and the consumption of fossil fuels used by automobiles; it will help reduce congestion and the need to widen existing highways; and, it will encourage new development along rail lines that put more people living and working close to transit stations. Let’s take a look at the past, present, and future of the build-out of Denver’s regional rail transit system: t Central Line. From I-25 and Broadway through Central Downtown to 30th and Downing, this was the starter line that served as the initial spine to the region’s rail system, opened in 1994. t Denver Union Station Extension . A short spur off the Central Line from the Auraria Campus near Colfax to Denver Union Station, opened in 2002. t Southwest Line . From Mineral Avenue in Littleton along Santa Fe Drive, the Southwest Line arrived into Central Downtown in 2000 and Union Station in 2002. t Southeast Line . From Lincoln Avenue in Douglas County along I-25, the Southeast Line opened into Central Downtown/Union Station in 2006. t Interstate 225 Line – Segment 1 . From I-25 in the Denver Tech Center to the Nine Mile Station in Aurora, this first segment of the I-225 opened in 2006 along with the Southeast Line. t West Line . The first of the FasTracks lines to open (2013), the West Line runs from the Jefferson County Government Center in Golden to Denver Union Station via Lakewood and West Denver.

t Interstate 225 Line – Segment 2 . Continuing from where Segment 1 stopped at the Nine Mile Station, Segment 2 continues along I-225 through Aurora and the Anschutz Medical Campus to connect with the East Line near I-70 and Peoria, opening in 2016.

t East Line . Connecting Union Station to DIA, the East Line follows I-70 and Peña Boulevard and will open in 2016.

t Northwest Line – Segment 1 . From Union Station, this first segment of the Northwest Line heads into Westminster, ending at 71st and Lowell and opening in 2016.

t Gold Line . From western Wheat Ridge near I-70 and Ward Road, the Gold Line goes through Wheat Ridge, Arvada, and Northwest Denver into Union Station, opening in 2016.

t North Line – Segments 1 and 2 . The first two segments of the North Line will run from Union Station to 124th Avenue via Commerce City, Thornton, and Northglenn, with phased openings in 2016 and 2018.

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t Future Extensions . Additional extensions include extending the Northwest Line past Westminster into Boulder and Longmont; extending the North Line up to 162nd Avenue; extending the Central Line from 30th and Downing to connect with the East Line; extending the Southwest Line into Highlands Ranch; and extending the Southeast Line farther south into RidgeGate. That’s a system of about 115 miles of rail transit that will be up and running by 2018, with 30-plus more miles of extensions coming later as funding becomes available. Taking the train to work, school, a sporting or cultural event or to the bar is going to become a whole lot easier for many people in Metro

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Denver. It won’t be the end-all for everyone’s transportation needs — there’s no expectation of that — but what our region’s burgeoning rail system will do is give everyone more options for getting around, and make Denver a more urban, sustainable city. Ken Schroeppel is a Denver urban planner and the founder of denverinfill.com, a website and blog that reports on Denver construction projects and urban development. Ken also teaches urban and regional planning at the University of Colorado at Denver.

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BIG TOYS

2013 Toyota Camry Hybrid

2013 Hyundai Sonata Hybrid

The market for hybrids expands By Jonathan McGrew

IT USED TO BE IF YOU WERE LOOKING FOR A HYBRID VEHICLE YOU WOULD MAKE A BEELINE TO TOYOTA. Times, they are a changing: now you have a range of Prius models from Toyota along with many other hybrids out on the market. Sedan? SUV? No problem. You can even pick from luxury versions. Toyota still leads the pack in volume, though, and the Prius is still the supreme hybrid on the market. You can even buy a used Gen2 or Gen3 Prius and have Boulder Hybrid Conversions make it a plug-in hybrid vehicle. If you don’t want a Prius or a hatchback vehicle, turn to the landscape of hybrid sedans and SUVs. I recently had the chance to compare two hybrid sedans back to back, and the experience shocked me. I thought I would be able to declare a winner, but that isn’t how it worked out. The contenders: 2013 Toyota Camry Hybrid and 2013 Hyundai Sonata Hybrid — Toyota representing the leader and Hyundai the up-and-comer. The Camry tips the scales at about $35K, while the Sonata saves a few Gs with an as-tested price of just more than $32K. The stark contrast doesn’t come from the features; the cars are pretty comparable there. The Camry doesn’t have some of the cool features like the optional panoramic sunroof and automatic sunshades nor does it have rear heated seats that you will find in the Sonata, but the interior feel and design — surprisingly — feels higher end. The part that really set these two mid-to-full size sedans apart is the driving experience and exterior design. From the exterior, the Hyundai has a more aggressive “look at me”

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

LIVING

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design. The coupe-like roofline gives it an energetic impression and there are some lovely touches such as the chrome strip done the length of the car. It also has more detailed wheels that are dimensional with graphite inserts and LED accents lights that swirl around the headlights —just plain cool. But Toyota deserves some kudos too. The Camry saw a redesign for the 2012 model year, sportier and more aggressive than previous generation Camry. The transition has given the Camry new appeal to younger generations that might still not be ready for the radical shift to the Hyundai Sonata. In the driver seat, a difference between these two hybrids becomes more apparent. I guess I assumed a hybrid by any other name was still a hybrid. However, like the revelations of Juliet, it isn’t the name, but what makes up these hybrids that will challenge perceptions. The Camry has a CVT transmission, 200 total system horsepower and fuel economy that leads the class at 40/38/40 mpg city/hwy/combined. It is one of the smoothest and quiet four-door sedan hybrids you will find on the market. The Sonata is different; it has 199 total-system horsepower and a 6-speed automatic transmission with manual mode. It uses the hybrid technology different getting 36/40/37 mpg city/hwy/combined. It rides stiffer and corners flatter at high speed. It can even engage the electric motors at up to 74 mph, whereas the Camry’s hybrid operation is limited to speeds lower than about 50 mph. The bottom line is different strokes for different folks. Throw in a third set of wheels and cross-compare these two to the Kia Optima Hybrid: I recommend a test drive in all of the above.

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BAC K I N T H E DAY

ORIGINAL PRINTED ARTICLES FROM THE APRIL 29, 1992 ISSUE OF OUT FRONT

t RELIGION HAS LONG BEEN A HOT BUTTON ISSUE FOR THE LGBT COMMUNITY — many scriptures or their modern-day interpretations call same-sex sexuality a sure-fire plan to offend god, and many modern doctrines apply that to their moral and political messages. This letter from a reader flashes back to a time when letters to the editor were a main way people spoke their minds to the LGBT community — readers called each other out in print rather than a snarky Facebook status, using print LGBT publications like Out Front as their platform for discussion and debate. First comes a letter from someone claiming to love the gays, but didn’t think that they should continue to see themselves as gay citing conflict with the writer’s religious values — insinuating AIDS is purely a gay problem, getting worse because of sexual and sex-positive material printed in Out Front. In “Gay is Not of God,” the writer claims “we aren’t bad people, it’s our bad lifestyles” causing our problems. The letter may be a way of driving controversy and solicit responses — since the opinions were nothing new to Out Front readers and clearly didn’t represent how most of them feel — and it most certainly achieved that aim. The following issue contained five reader replies an editor’s note in reference to the original letter. Many religious LGBT voices spoke up in defense of the LGBT community and admonished the views of the original message. The battle for acceptance within religion continues to be hard-fought, though with perseverance and by showing more love than the Religious Right is willing to offer the LGBT community, we are steadily winning over minds and hearts and creating a more inclusive world — both among the religious, and among those who are not.

Back in MY day... Got a story, memory or reflection to share from way back when? Email editorial@outfrontonline.com with your query or 250-500 word story using “back in my day” in the subject line. 50

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

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NOVEMBER 20, 2013

SEXUALITY

ASK THE SEXPERT

Bringing a girl home to meet the kids

Shanna Katz

Subtle seduction: little things gay men find sexy, in their own words By Berlin Sylvestre “HE ROLLED UP HIS SLEEVES TO DO THE DISHES — AND I GOT HOT FLASHES, GIRL,” MY BARTENDER BUDDY ERIC DESCRIBED HIS NEW GUY. “THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT HIS FOREARMS THAT JUST DOES IT FOR ME.” I looked at Eric’s own forearms — kind of hairy, and obviously well-muscled as he inspected each wine glass in the light. Are forearms sexy? I guess they can be. I can honestly say I’ve never checked out the female variety, so the notion struck me as oddly adorable. Forearms are a thing. Neat. When the rest of the gang arrived, we took a seat nearby and I asked about the other subtle things men love on other men. I like talking about gay dude issues — always asking what’s up with certain things — and asked about the subtle things men love on other men. After a minute or so I had to reiterate: “<Subtle> things!” (They’d offered some particularly bawdy observation, the oversharers.) But the conversation that ensued brought out some particularly fascinating tidbits I recognized as gold for the gentleman interested in upping his game. ‘Sexy’ casts a wide net, fellas, so use these pearls of wicked wisdom to your advantage. After all, the devil’s in the details. Below are some of the re52

NOVEMBER 20, 2013

sponses to the question “What are some of the subtle things guys do that are really hot?” “I love his sleepy voice in the morning. That raspy, gravelly sound coupled with his bedhead. I have no idea why it makes me want to jump his bones, but it does.” “When he stretches and his shirt comes up just enough to show his lower belly. Oh my God.” “Or when he’s doing something with his back to me and I can see his shoulder blades moving under his T-shirt.” “Hands that look like he works on cars or builds houses. Strong and calloused. So hot.” “Watching him work on cars is hot, too. Doing anything manual, pretty much.” “When he cuts the grass with no shirt on and I can see the sweat running down his chest and back. It glistens.” “If he’s wearing basketball shorts, he knows what he’s doing and he knows that I’m looking. The fact that he knows what’s going on is sexy.” “If I catch him reading in bed when I come home, I want to distract him with something sexy — especially if he’s got his glasses on.” “I noticed a guy at work rub his LIVING

chest today like it was sore from working out. That was really hot.” “When he sings in the shower and the song requires him to get bassy. It’s head to toe for me, baby.” “If a guy cooks for me, it’s on, even if it’s not all that great — but especially if it is.” “I love when a guy is sweating so hard his hair is wet, and he slings his head to get the hair out of his eyes. He can do that in the pool, too.” “When a hot guy loosens his tie around me…” “This is going to sound weird, but the landscaper backing his truck and trailer into my tricky little driveway was like ‘mmm!’” “A guy with a dirty job. I like it when they come home dirty.” “I just like it when they come home.” Buried in there are a lot of clues about gay male protean signals (online at ofnow.co/ Ljn): those subtle signs we all use to show we’re interested in someone and want to draw attention to our assets. Have some to add? Head over to OutFrontOnline.com and tell us what a man does that gives you the vapors. Check out our next Sexuality installation where the ladies will bring the heat.

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DEAR SHANNA — I HAVE TWO KIDS AGES 7 AND 12 FROM MY PREVIOUS MARRIAGE. I’M DATING A FABULOUS WOMAN BUT I’M NOT SURE WHEN TO INTRODUCE HER TO MY KIDS, AND WHAT TERM TO INTRODUCE HER AS. ANY THOUGHTS? TWO WORLDS COLLIDE IN LAKEWOOD

Dear Two Worlds Collide, Congrats on your new partner — not only finding someone you enjoy spending time with but being ready to bring her into the rest of your life. You’ve put thought into this already and clearly aren’t looking to introduce a one-night-fling to your kiddos. That said, have you talked this over with the woman you’re dating? Bringing a new partner into your family is a big deal, so make sure she’s on board — she might be a great fit for you but not ready to be introduced to the mini-yous. Perhaps she’s ready to join your family unit in some way but wants a better idea of what that looks like, both now and in the long run. Get on the same page first. You know your kids best, so you’ll know when and how to bring it up with them. Perhaps you want to talk to them separately, or maybe they’re best together. Talk to the woman you’re dating about what to introduce her as: do you already use the term girlfriend, partner, sweetie or something else? Do either of you have a preferred term? Definitely think about what this means going forward, because your kids will likely want to know her role in their lives. Is she going to be sleeping over? Moving in? What does she want your kids to call her? How does this affect their relationship with your ex, if at all, and how is your ex going to handle this? Lots of questions, but better to think about them now than when two children are staring at you expectantly. Best of luck! Shanna

Shanna Katz, M.Ed, ACS is a boardcertified sexologist, sexuality educator and author who believes in open source, accessible sexuality education. r See more columns at ofcnow.co/ sexpert or for more info on teaching adults to optimize their sex lives visit ShannaKatz.com. Send Shanna a question for her column at shanna@ outfrontonline.com.

HEINZESIGHT

Mom’s advice for having a successful relationship By Brent Heinze I JUST GOT A STERN PHONE CALL FROM MY MOM. My previous column about “mom’s advice for hooking up” had her questioning why I didn’t write about what our moms would say about maintaining a good relationship. The reality is that in earlier generations, many marriages were based around that life-long monogamous partner with whom you could celebrate 50 or more years together. We’ve entered an age where other ways of looking at relationships are acceptable, but there are some very important life lessons that could benefit even the most non-traditional homo. Some of us are OK with relationships that aren’t destined to last the rest of our lives or with having more than one partner at a time, but here are some ways to make any kind of connection as fulfilling, wonderful and non-dramatic as possible. If you make a mess, clean it up: We all make mistakes or screw something up. Perfection is a great goal, but rarely does anyone actually attain it. When challenging things happen or feelings are hurt, figure out ways to address the situation. Allowing these bad feelings to fester only serves to make them more difficult to deal with when you finally have to,

for people in relationships, either and can leave deep-rooted pain due to not wanting to hurt the and resentment. Just suck it other’s feelings or because that up — you’re going to have to apolhonesty may make us look like an ogize anyway! ass. Regardless of the reason, the Think before you talk: Lashing longer the truth is kept out of the out when you’re angry can cause relationship, the more potentialeven more hurt feelings. Off-thely-destructive consequences arise cuff comments can come across as when it’s finally unveiled. Also, mean-spirited or insensitive. You be careful about pushing feelings may mean what you are about away to deal with them later or to say, but if it comes across in hope they’ll just go away. We all damaging ways, your argument Brent Heinze know what can happen when we isn’t going to end well. Consider how your words might impact your partner. live in a closet or corner. You can do anything you set your mind to: Handle things that might bring up insecurities It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to figure out a more gently. Be kind to others: At the end of the day, way to purchase a home, get in shape, finance hopefully we all have a general respect for a European vacation or build up the courage people in our lives. There are times in both to go out in those new sequenced hot shorts. shorter and long-term relationships where It is important to remember that there are some of the sweetness and thoughtfulness times when life and particular situations can drifts from our focus, especially when we’re be more difficult than others, but there aren’t getting into routines, or when things get crazy many things that are so difficult or catastrophbusy. But there’s always time to say “please” ic that we can’t somehow make them work. and “thank you.” Honesty is the best policy: I appreciate that Brent Heinze, LPC, is a licensed professional some conversations with our loved ones can counselor. r Get more HeinzeSight online at be difficult, uncomfortable and potentially ofcnow.co/brent or send him a question for his volatile. Being honest can be a huge challenge column at PerspectiveShift@yahoo.com.

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