Mar. 19, 2014 :: The Comedy Issue

PANEL: What's the line between FUNNY and OFFENSIVE? INTERVIEW: Out grunge rocker Aris • BLEED LIKE ME: Responding with radical acceptance

Volume 37 • Issue 24 | 3.19.14 – 4.2.14 FREE | $3.95 Outside Colorado OutFrontOnline.com

y d e Comssue The

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n: g it fu n i p e a n o r, Ke deme s i M y Fe l o n a n W i e l e b a o y J rd c k Ro & Chu

R E C A P : R A L LY F O R M A R R I AG E E Q UA L I T Y O N L G B T L O B B Y DAY

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[ CONTENTS ]

VOL. 37 | ISSUE 24 | MARCH 19, 2014

ON THE COVER:

20

INTERVIEW ROCK & ROLL ONE UP WITH NYC’S ARIS

RECAP: Rally for marriage equality on LGBT Lobby Day  11 PANEL: What’s the line between FUNNY and OFFENSIVE?  16 BLEED LIKE ME: Responding with radical acceptance  19

The y ComIsseued

Local LGBT funny people on marijuana, social media and making fun of Highlands Ranch

23

ARTS & CULTURE THE HIGH LIFE

[ FOCUS ] 6 Letter From The Editor 8 Speak Out 10 Show & Tell 14 News 16 Panel 21 Cover Story

[ SOCIAL ] 18 Lesbian Socialite 28 Calendar 30 Cuisine 32 Arts & Culture 36 Radioactive Waste 38 On The Scene 41 What We’re Wearing

The y ComIsseued

[ LIVING ]

43

BEAUTY TWINSIES TROUBLE COMEDY ISSUE GUIDELINES: PAG ES W I T H T H E G R E E N COMEDY ISSUE FOOTER ARE SATIRICAL IN NATURE, AND IT IS OUT FRONT’S SINCEREST HOPE THAT NO ONE TAKES THESE ARTICLES SERIOUSLY. 4

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45

AUTO ECONOMICAL OR STYLISH?

42 Experts 43 Beauty 45 Auto 41 Big Toys 49 Back In The Day 52 Sexuality

Serving the LGBT Community of the Rocky Mountains since 1976 3535 Walnut Street Denver, Colorado 80205 Phone: 303-477-4000 Fax: 303-325-2642 Email: info@outfrontonline.com Web: OutFrontOnline.com Facebook: facebook.com/OutFrontColorado Twitter: @OutFrontCO Out Front is published by Transformation Communications Group, LLC, a Colorado limited liability corporation and is

a member of: Denver Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce and Denver Drama Critics Circle.

CAN ADIA N/AL ASK AN BOR DER PATR OL PHIL PRICE / Founder, 1954-1993 JERRY CUNNINGHAM / Publisher Email: Jerry@outfrontonline.com J.C. MCDONALD / Vice President Email: JC@outfrontonline.com JEFF JACKSON SWAIM / Chief Strategist Email: Jeff@outfrontonline.com RYAN KING / Associate Publisher Email: Ryan@outfrontonline.com

DINO SAU R ENTH USIA STS

MATTHEW PIZZUTI / Editor

Email: Matt@outfrontonline.com KAILYN LAMB / Intern ZACHARY FOSTER / Intern CONTRIBUTING WRITERS: Lauren Archuletta, Michael Carr, Paul Collanton, Steve Cruz, Nicholas Ferguson, Keo Frazier, Nic Garcia, George Gramer, Brent Heinze, Josiah Hesse, Shanna Katz, Jen LaBarbera , Kelsey Lindsey, Brianna Matthews, Ken Schroeppel, Scott McGlothlen, Jonathan McGrew, Phil Nash, Tom Rockman, Karen Scarpella, Jeffrey Steen, Berlin Sylvestre, Pieter Tolsma, Ashley Trego, Robyn Vie-Carpenter, Nuclia Waste, Alison Wisneski, Mike Yost

PRO CTOL OGY DEPA RTM ENT

JORDAN JACOBS / Senior Marketing Executive

Email: Jordan@outfrontonline.com DUSTIN KRIER / Marketing Executive Email: Dustin@outfrontonline.com JAY DUQUE / Marketing Coordinator Email: Jay@outfrontonline.com NATIONAL ADVERTISING Rivendell Media / 212-242-6863 sales@rivendellmedia.com

PAR T-TIM E MAG ICIA NS

COLBY BRUMIT / Senior Graphic Designer

Email: Colby@outfrontonline.com ROB BARGER / Production Coordinator

Email: Rob@outfrontonline.com CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS & PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Charles Broshous, Nicole Kushner, Denee Pino, Hans Rosemon d, Evan Semon DISTRIBUTION: Out Front Colorado’s print publicati on is available semimonthly, free of charge in Colorado, one copy per person. Additional copies of Out Front Colorado may be purchased for $3.95 each, payable in advance at Out Front Colorado offices located at 3535 Walnut Street, Denver CO, 80205. Out Front Colorado is delivered only to authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of Out Front Colorado, take more than one copy of Out Front Colorado. Any person who takes more than one copy may be held liable for theft, including but not limited to civil damages and or criminal prosecution.

COPYRIGHT & LIMIT OF LIABILITY: Reproduction of editorial, photographic or advertising content without written consent of the publisher is strictly prohibited. Advertisers are responsible for securing rights to any copyrighted material within their advertisements. Publishe r assumes no responsibility for the claims of advertisers and reserves the right to reject any advertising. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization in articles or advertising is not to be consider ed an indication of the sexual orientation or HIV status of such person or organization. Publisher assumes no responsibility for the loss or damage of materials submitted.

OPINIONS EXPRESSED are not necessarily those of OUT FRONT COLORADO, its staff or advertisers.

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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FROM THE EDITOR

APRIL FOOLS!

MATTHEW PIZZUTI Editor

LAUGHTER IS IMPORTANT IN OUR CULTURE — blending seamlessly and inseparably into everything we do. From campy drag shows to our characteristic raunchy jokes and the lightheartedness and ease with which we talk about sex, LGBT culture is one that steps out in front of the world and asks: why so serious?

I think that humor is one of the ways we sort out the cognitive dissonance we live with. We’re often at odds with the religious, cultural and sexual mores and expectations of gender that we grew up in — and we still encounter those societal expectations and sometimes we still believe in them to some extent. Because we are LGBT we have no choice but to defy those expectations, so our humor has a defiant streak as well.

And because ideals of “purity,” be they religious, sexual or otherwise, are what’s most commonly used to oppress LGBT people, we don’t have much use for “purity” in our own culture. Our humor is our way of acknowledging and accepting our shared experience: as LGBT people, we are all deviants in the eyes of the old (and changing) world.

Out Front’s archives show that every few years, the editorial staff has been bold enough to come out with a comedy issue — an entire issue as a parody of what you’d typically see in Out Front. I love the audacity,

the joy and the humility of being able to poke fun of ourselves that way, along with the opportunity to get out of the routine and have a little fun.

When our production coordinator Rob Barger came up with the idea and started pushing for us to do a parody issue again this year (without even realizing, at the time, that it had been done before), it didn’t take much convincing. We scheduled it for the second March issue since this issue will be on the stands on April Fools’ Day. I think it will turn out to be one of the most memorable issues we’ve done.

I’ll mention that our entire Focus section of news features and opinion, as well as our entire events calendar in the Social section, are not parodies — we wanted to make the most of this issue’s novelty without leaving our readers missing on things that they rely on Out Front for. And, yes, our cover story entails actual interviews with three real funny people in the local LGBT community.

But as for everything else, enjoy!

We hope you have as much fun reading this issue as we had putting it together.

About the Contributors

Kristin Ziegler has dedicated her life to screens: when she’s not in front of her laptop she’s likely spending time with her iPhone, iPod or her favorite screen — the silver one. A lifelong film enthusiast and recovering art school snob, Kristin is thrilled to combine her interests in high culture with LGBT rights. See interviews with local LGBT comedians on page 22.

LOV E PA I N T I N G T H E TOW N R E D ?

W H Y N OT G ET PA I D FO R I T? Out Front has openings for our Street Team Marketing Program and we may be looking for you. Inquire about the position by contacting marketing@outfrontonline.com

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Born and raised in the swampy wilds of south Georgia, Berlin Sylvestre is a writer who appreciates the laid-back lifestyle of sweet tea, slow speech and cricket song. Just kidding. She’s the goofy tomboy who shows up at your party with a guitar, plays any rock song from the 90s you can request and playfully mocks your west coast accent. She’s happy to be here and thanks for asking! See Berlin’s interview with grunge rocker Aris on page 20

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COMMUNITY VOICES

Living Beyond Oxygen

Sometimes living as your true self requires an active pursuit

By Kody Kay

I

t started as a midlife crisis when I turned 50 — I began a whirlwind journey to live a life I previously was not brave enough to pursue.

I was restless and I didn’t know why. I enjoyed my work, but found myself wanting more. I was surrounded by family and friends who loved me, and I loved them, and yet, I felt isolated and lonely. I thought a new tattoo would bring me solace. When one didn’t do the trick, I got another, and then another. I was searching–but I didn’t know for what.

Later that year, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. As mom started losing her hair, my younger sister and I decided to show our support by shaving our heads. It was in that moment, I finally knew the source of my problem. I had to confront the very thing I had been suppressing for all these years: I was a man. And I needed, yes needed, to live in the world, fully expressed, as a man. So, with the help of a few close friends, the plan for Kody’s birth was plotted.

I was scheduled to be the announcer at a gay rodeo in Oklahoma City over Memorial Weekend.

I arranged for my head to be shaved after the awards banquet — a fundraiser for two friends battling ovarian cancer. I showed up as the woman,

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Kimberley, that everyone knew. And then, for the first time, Kody, the man I couldn’t wait for everyone to meet, showed up to the after-party.

It was exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time, and without a doubt, the best moment of my life!

Since then, there have been so many “firsts,” like my first testosterone shot and my first shave.

There have been other exciting moments, like changing the gender marker on my driver’s license and my very successful top surgery, just a year ago.

There has also been some trials – losing friends that don’t accept the new me, acne, and struggling to fit in to the dating scene. But now, 21 months into this amazing journey, I am blessed to be stumbling my way around, childlike, and continuing to grow into the man I have always known myself to be.

Maybe for my next mid-life crisis, I’ll just buy a Corvette. ¢

Kody Kay keeps a video diary of his transition. For more detailed stories, pictures and videos including his “Reveal” video with more than 50,000 views on YouTube, please visit ofcnow.co/oxygen. Contact Kody at kodykay11@gmail.com.

COMMUNITY VOICES

Letters, comments and reactions RE: HeinzeSight: Don’t yuck my yummy open relationship | ofcnow.co/yummy • Feb. 26 Sorry Brent, but I can’t relate

Why do I want to chuck Brent Heinze’s “Yummy” Open Relationship as the gay norm? Because open relationships give gay men a bad reputation; these “alternative” agreements show that gay men lack self-discipline and self-control; and they feed into the perception that gay men can’t keep their dicks in their pants.

It also makes it more difficult for us single gay men (who are genuinely looking for potential mates) when openly gay couples are looking for a “third wheel” for their sexual dalliances. These couples come across as either greedy; they are not satisfied with their primary partners; and they want the benefits of gay marriage, but they are unwilling to sacrifice for the greater cause. What exactly is the missing factor in this delicate, yet complex psycho-emotional, spiritual, and physical equation?

By the way, I was in a 7-year open relationship from 1994 to 2001. At the end, my boyfriend discovered that our openness had degraded our intimacy level and trust. We were the prom king and queen who went to the dance, but never consummated our relationship. So ultimately, I think that a monogamous relationship is the best option, but I wasn’t mature enough to offer him that at the time.

The mere concept of open relationships run counter to all of the civil rights advances that we’ve won in the sphere of marriage equality.

For a public relations standpoint, it’s bad press and it feeds into the gay stereotypes that fundamentalists use to justify their bigotry and discrimination. In their eyes, gay men are incapable of forming and sustaining monogamous relationships and that, by our very nature, we are promiscuous, selfish, sex-obsessed beings.

If you are gay and Christian, considering an open relationship poses its own moral dilemma. Even from the most liberal interpretation of the Bible (specifically Romans 1:21-32), homosexuality is not a sin, but a promiscuous lifestyle is. My mom, a conservative Christian, accepts me as her gay son, but she does not approve of the promiscuous side of being gay.

[I gave up the hookup scene more than a year ago.]

The question is – Does the gay community want to be hetero-normative and assimilate into heterosexual society or does it want to embrace and retain its anti-establishment, divergent roots? Will promoting open and polyamorous relationships help or hinder the acceptance of GLBT relationships as a whole and of the at-large community?

— Tom Rockman, Denver

RE: OPEN DISCUSSION: How can Out Front be more inclusive of diversity? | http://ofcnow.co/6yh • Mar. 3 Education is paramount Diversity Counsel to advise the editorial staff....increasing diversity on the staff...facilitating discussions in the community around diversity in its many forms and bringing more education and awareness to all of us...increasing the prevalence of columns and articles by diverse writers and journalists... focusing on diverse populations and people's in the media...making the connection in our community between the prevalence of diversity and the benefits it brings to our lives and well-being.

— Hank Provost, Denver

BREAKING: Arizona governor Jan Brewer will veto the anti-gay bill allowing businesses to refuse service to LGBT people | http://ofcnow.co/s9r • Feb. 26 Thanks, but no thanks, Arizona Good. Damage is still done though. AZ won't be getting our vacation dollars any time soon!

— Hillary Gilfand OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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SHOW & TELL

WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT

Jody Bouffard & Holly Hatch are getting hitched

We work with you WeWeunderstand you work with you because you We understand We because are you!

We are you!

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Colorado's Premier Gay-Owned & Operated Caterer serving the Community since 1995!

303.232.7932 Marie Bouffard (fondly www.lifestylescatering.com known as Jody B.) and Holly J ody

Amber Hatch of Denver, Colorado excitedly announce their marriage ceremony, exchange of vows and reception to take place on Sat., June 28 of this year at the First Baptist Church of Denver. The wedding will be officiated by the couple’s Shaman, Paula Gerardi.

Bouffard, a long-time bar owner in Denver, grew up in Winooski, Vermont to parents Alan and Peggy Bouffard. Jody graduated from Rice Memorial High School and moved to Colorado at the age of 19. Hatch, former editor of Out Front and Weird Sisters West, grew up in Fort Collins to parents Stephen and Joanne Hatch. Holly graduated from Poudre High School and got her bachelors degree in Poetry and Literature from Colorado State University.

Both Bouffard and Hatch are LGBT activists in Colorado, and own a bar and coffee shop together in Capitol Hill, Blush & Blu. The couple has been together for nearly

two years, and were engaged on Christmas day 2013.

Hatch and Bouffard have three dogs, and in their free time enjoy hosting dinner parties, engaging in political causes, frequent local Denver restaurants and attend yoga classes, church services and meditate in Buddhist temples. The two spend their vacations in the mountains and plan to fly to Vermont after their wedding ceremony to sign their official marriage certificate in Jody’s home state, where gay marriage is legal.

Jody and Holly hope to show the Colorado community and the world at large, that love is the true testament to happiness and that same-sex couples achieve the same success and committed family life as mainstream couples. Jody and Holly create community at their bar and in their social lives, and live for the betterment of both the LGBT community and the world through their love, service and commitment to a deeper spiritual path. ¢

FYI

Advocates engage state legislature for Colorado LGBT Lobby Day

By Mike Yost

L

GBT activists and allies from all over the state converged today on the Capitol in Denver for One Colorado’s annual LGBT Lobby Day, talking to lawmakers and ensuring their call for complete LGBT equality is heard.

They gathered at Central Presbyterian Church in downtown Denver before heading over to the Capitol, eager to speak to their representatives and voice their concerns regarding a multitude of LGBT issues.

“I want to make sure we’re seen and heard,” said Chelsea Thompson, who drove to Denver from Monument, Colorado. “Being transgender and living in Monument is difficult. I want to bring up the issues of LGBT homelessness and youth.”

Thompson added she lives in a very conservative area, and her lawmakers might not be aware of the challenges LGBT youth face, especially when it comes to bullying and homelessness.

Eric Pizana, executive director of Inside/Out Youth Services, added that LGBT homelessness is a huge problem in Colorado Springs. “A few years ago, Urban Peak said that 36 percent of youth they serve are LGBT youth, and that’s only the youth who feel comfortable enough to answer that question.”

One major concern Pizana wanted to present to his legislator was the current ban on gays from donating blood. “That is a form of being able to sustain yourself as a homeless individual, but if you’re LGBT, you can’t, so that is an issue.”

Kristin Larson came up from Colorado Springs as well, emphasizing that just being visible to her lawmakers was worth the trip. “There are diverse populations all over the state of Colorado and not just in Denver and Boulder. I’m a lesbian, and I’m in your district [Colorado Springs]. I work. I pay taxes. I vote.”

Elizabeth Akalan came to lobby day to thank legislators who voted for civil unions last year. “It’s one of my favorite days all year because it just reminds me of how accessible my legislators are and how easy it is to be involved in the legislative process.”

Lou Bardach moved to Colorado from New York and was active in the early 90s fighting for LGBT rights. “I guess I could say I’m coming out of activist retirement,” said Bardach. “I fully believe it’s a citizen’s obligation to be involved in what’s going on in government and take action.”

“This is my first lobby day,” said Scott Bitcon, who moved to Colorado in 1997. “I’ve always been politically minded but never politically active, so over the last few months I’ve become involved

Keep up with the latest news at outfrontonline.com with One Colorado. Basically I’m looking to put up or shut up.”

Dave Montez, One Colorado’s Executive Director, welcomed the lobby day participants and introduced members of the LGBT Caucus, the largest delegation of LGBT elected officials in the nation. Montez asked the caucus members why it’s so important for the LGBT community to stay politically active.

“Look at Arizona and what’s going on there,” said Speaker of the Colorado House Mark Ferrandino, referring to the bill in Arizona which would have allowed businesses to discriminate against LGBT individuals based on religious views.

The bill passed both the Arizona House and Senate but was vetoed by Gov. Jan Brewer.

“That type of bill has been introduced here in Colorado, and that type of bill will continue to be introduced here in Colorado in different forms. So if you’re not engaged, everything we’ve fought for might be taken away from us,” added Ferrandino. “That’s why you have to keep being engaged.” ¢

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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OUT IN COLORADO

GRAB YOUR KNI CKKNAC KS AND GI VE BAC K

Historian gathers LGBT historic artifacts for museums, seeks old copies of Out Front

G

regory Hinton is trying to preserve LGBT history — one keepsake at a time. Starting with projects small projects like getting the t-shirts from the movie Brokeback Mountain into the Autry National Center, an American West museum in Los Angeles and moving onto projects like bringing the Gay Rodeo's history into museums Hinton has now set his sights on the Front Range, starting with Out Front.

“After five years of doing this I feel that the next step is to develop a dedicated LGBTQ archive of Western American history and culture,” Hinton said.

“The curators and directors that I've met with agree that now might be the time and I just need to formulate my idea better to see why a regional archive of our community's history would be a good idea at this time,” Hinton said. “That's why I came to Out Front — because of its history.

It mirrors exactly the Gay Liberation Movement from 1976.” hil Price, the founder of Out Front, and Hinton were friends when they went to school at CU Boulder together. Hinton joked about how Price rejected a story from him because it was too sad.

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community if you think about it.”

Hinton is looking for past issues of Out Front, or any old paperwork surrounding the start of the publication. He also said that photographs or other items (i.e. t-shirts) are great items as well. Hinton's dream is to recreate a place where people can bring items when they are going through their old things.

“Why we need to gather these things now is for the benefit of historians and scholars and basically students of our history to know and see, they're there to tell our story.

Right now they're probably just loose pieces of paper, but cumulatively they give us visibility and history,” Hinton said.

Currently Hinton has not made a deal with any museums, but is calling for people to think about what items they may have that are meaningful to the community. He has spoken with museums both in Colorado and Wyoming. Since he does not have a spot to collect all these things he says that the best thing to do for now is to keep them safe to the best of your ability.

“We're responsible to preserve and tell our own stories as a community.

You have wonderful archivists right now who are trying their best to put collections together,” Hinton said. ¢

In case you missed it…

P O P U L A R S T O R I E S O N O U T F RO N T O N L I N E .C O M

NO STRINGS ATTACHED FREEDOM TO BE FROM THE MARCH 5 ISSUE: First time Out Front writer Michael Kipp humanizes the trans* narrative in this compelling follow up of our previous trans* cover story

Online at ofcnow.co/ZDW

INTERVIEW

MANILA LUZON AND ON TIL THE BREAK OF DAWN FROM THE MARCH 5 ISSUE: The hilarious Berlin Sylvestre interviews drag queen/singer Manila Luzon on her life, her collaboration with Cazwell and her interesting internal vocabulary.

Online at ofcnow.co/RkQ STAY UPDATED WITH THE LATEST NEWS & FEATURES FROM OUT FRONT! OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

LGBT ADVOCATE FROM PUEBLO SEEKING STATE HOUSE SEAT FROM THE FEB. 19 ISSUE Daneya Esgar will be running for Colorado house district seat 46.

FROM THE FEB. 19 ISSUE: What is the etiquette for gift giving? Robyn throws in her two cents worth.

Online at ofcnow.co/mav

Online at ofcnow.co/gw1

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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NEWS

Colorado lawsuit challenging samesex marriage ban breaking new ground

By Mike Yost

O

n Feb. 19, nine same-sex couples in Colorado joined a groundswell of litigation across the country fighting to overturn same-sex marriage bans, but the Colorado case is unique, taking place in a state where civil unions are a substitute for marriage.

“The reason this lawsuit to invalidate the ban on same-sex marriage in Colorado is different from previous lawsuits that have struck down same-sex marriage bans, like the ones that were struck down in Oklahoma and Utah, is that those states didn’t have civil unions,” said Nancy Leong, assistant professor at the University of Denver’s Strum College of Law. There are currently 51 lawsuits in 28 states around the nation challenging gay marriage bans, with seven cases working their way through federal appeals courts, according to the organization Freedom to Marry.

“What this lawsuit in Colorado is saying is that civil unions are not enough,” Leong said. “If the [Colorado] plaintiffs win, then they’ll have accomplished something new, which is not only to strike down the ban, but also to strike it down in a situation where there is this second-best alternative.”

Attorneys at Reilly Pozner LLP who are representing Colorado couples in the lawsuit declined to comment on the case pending litigation, but the 28 page complaint filed against the city and county of Denver emphasized how civil unions foster a separate-but-equal status for gay and lesbian couples.

“Same-sex couples in Colorado are relegated to a second-class level of citizenship that denies their relationships the full panoply of rights enjoyed by married opposite-sex couples,” the complaint reads, adding, “History has taught that the legitimacy and vitality of the institution of marriage does not depend on upholding discriminatory laws. On the contrary, eliminating unconstitutional barriers to marriage further enhances the institution and society.”

STAY

TUNED

Keep up-to-date with Out Front's coverage of the latest marriage equality news: ofcnow.co/facebook & ofcnow.co/twitter Subscribe to our weekly email: ofcnow.co/outbox

“I think it’s great this case is being brought in Colorado,” said Leong, “because it helps to highlight how even these intermediate measures [civil unions] just aren’t marriage.”

Mindy Barton, Legal Director at the GLBT Community Center of Colorado, emphasized that despite all the protections put in place for same-sex couples in Colorado, there is no legal substitution for rights guaranteed through marriage recognition.

“The harms that face gay and lesbian couples by virtue of being treated separately, and unequally, under the laws are real,” said Barton. “The plaintiffs in this litigation have listed a variety of harms relating to raising children, medical situations, and more which are simply not faced by opposite-sex couples who have the availability of marriage.

The availability of civil unions is not adequate to remedy these types of harms.”

Leong outlined a number of imperative legal safeguards that couples in a civil union do not have access to. For example, the Internal Revenue Service only recognizes marriages regarding joint filing of federal taxes, not civil unions or domestic partnerships.

“In addition, the Department of Labor, the Department of Defense, and the Office of Personnel

“The harms that face gay and lesbian couples by virtue of being treated separately, and unequally, under the laws are real.”

Leong stated that since the US Supreme Court declared part of the Defense of Marriage Act as unconstitutional last June, there have been 33 judges who have ruled against same-sex marriage bans.

The slew of cases challenging gay marriage bans corresponds to a sharp rise in public support for same-sex marriage, with almost 60 percent of Americans supporting gay marriage and only 34 percent against, according to a recent ABC NewsWashington Post poll published March 5.

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Management,” Leong said. “Those three federal government entities will only extend partner benefits to married same-sex couples and not to couples who are in a civil union.”

The state’s largest LGBT lobby organization, One Colorado, recently launched their Why Marriage Matters campaign, encouraging members of the community from all four corners of the state to share their personal stories on the importance of marriage equality.

“Have a conversation with your family about

why marriage is important to you,” said Dave Montez, executive director of One Colorado. “Even if you aren’t in a relationship right now, [talk about] why you, at some point, would love the opportunity to marry the person you love.”

Montez added how important it is for the diversity of the community to be represented in this fight.

“For example, Latino couples we know are more likely than their white counterparts to be raising children, not just here in Denver but in other parts of the state as well,” said Montez. ”Obviously it’s really hard to raise a family and raise children when the state you live in tells you that you’re not even really a family.”

For One Colorado’s Communication Director, Jon Monteith, marriage equality strikes a personal chord. “My sister lives here, and she and her partner want to have the freedom to marry.

So for me, part of what really drove me to come out here and do this work is knowing that that’s something they’ve been waiting for. They deserve the full dignity and full protection that any other couple has.”

And couples have already begun sharing their stories, like Jenny and Jodi Martin who spoke at a recent One Colorado rally held on the steps of the Capitol, their 13-year-old daughter standing next to them.

“When we leave Colorado to go visit family or friends out of state, we lose our civil union,” Martin said. “It disappears. We are strangers in the eyes of the law.”

Jenny and Jodi have been together for eight years and moved to Boulder from Oklahoma in 2012.

They obtained their civil union license on May 1 — the morning the Civil Union Act went into effect.

The couple said the right to marry goes well beyond the more than 1,100 federal rights denied to couples in a civil union. “Marriage means something — our daughter talks about the concern that people don’t see us as a true family because we’re not married,” Martin said.

Colorado Attorney General John Suthers announced he will defend Colorado’s amendment defining marriage between one man and one woman in the lawsuit. ¢

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

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PANEL

What defines the line between funny and offensive?

W

hat defines the line between funny and offensive?

The definitions of funny and offensive draw a distinct line between the two. Funny is causing laughter or amusement. Offensive is causing someone to feel hurt or angry.

Keo Frazier In human interaction we tend to blur the line the dictionary defines in our tastes, humor and ability to push the politically-correct envelope. Funny can be offensive and sarcasm can be funny. Knowing the line to draw and when, is mastered by understanding your audience. Some audiences can take a joke that pokes at the truth in a stereotype or label, while other audiences get offended at the mention of the mere word ‘label’.

Given the definitions of funny and offensive it is important to begin a joke by asking yourself if you are okay with hurting someone for a little gut wrenching smile. If you decide you’re okay with a little poke for a bellow, share away. If you’re a sensitive type and don’t ever want to push the envelope, stick to the jokes that simply create happy smiles instead of gut wrenching laughter.

The one joke I know is a cocktail party favorite.

It can be construed as funny, offensive or both.

Why don’t you decide…

Two lesbian frogs are sitting on a lillypad, one turns to the other and says, “tastes like chicken.”

Funny or offensive?

Keo Frazier is a local entrepreneurial and business leader, and the fearless founder of KEOS Marketing Group

A

W

rabbi, an imam, and a bear walk into a bar….

Clearly, someone is offended. I hate that.

Why be offended by anything? I honestly believe that most liberals have very thin skin.

Yes, I said that, most liberals have very thin George Gramer, Jr. skin and absolutely no sense of humor when it comes to jokes about their views. How many jokes do you hear about President Obama (who deserves more jokes than any other president since Jimmy Carter)?

I think we can all agree that “the gay F word” is not appropriate any time in a comedy routine.

There are probably other words that have no place in humor, but having no sense of humor myself, I do not know what those words are.

Some things that LGBT people find humorous have no humor for me. Drag (which is a form of humor) does not interest nor entertain me in the least. Strippers can provide humor, but we should not laugh at their shortcomings.

Thankfully, we have some great comedy brothers and sisters. Ellen Degeneres, Kate Clinton, and local favorite Chuck Roy all deserve credit for being out and funny without smashing our noses in LGBT sexuality.

I think all LGBT folks usually need to take a chill pill before forming views on anything – comedy included.

hat defines the line between funny and offensive?

One of the hardest moments for me in my early 20’s was finding out with a dear friend that he tested positive for HIV. My friend and I fell apart but after a few hours my boyfriend Pieter Tolsma at the time asked my friend if he was ready to try and joke about it. He quickly produced HIV related jokes that belittled the disease and poked jokes at life’s challenges.

It brought both of us to tears of a different sort.

I have never heard a trans joke that I thought was particularly funny. Honestly, I can’t say with any degree of certainly I have actually ever heard a joke about trans identities or issues whereas I have heard and told more gay jokes than I could possibly ever recall. I am not trans-identified, but I bet this population has some great humor to share with the world.

It is really tough to always maintain the line between funny and distasteful and regrettably, jokes cross over and become offensive from time to time. Jokes let us poke at ourselves and invite others who are different to experience a perspective on our personal worlds. Some of these jokes might cross the line but the levity is necessary and helps us call out our problems out of the dark corners of our lives to be cut down to size.

Humor helps us live life more fully.

Iowa native George Gramer, jr. is the president of the Colorado Log Cabin Republicans.

Pieter Tolsma is program coordinator of Denver PIQUE, a sexual health and social support program for gay/bi men in Denver.

Join the conversation! /outfr

o

rad ntcolo

o

ro @outf

ntco

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| MARCH 19, 2014 | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

LEGAL

Weighing your options: Taking your partner’s last name

By Sheila P. Carrigan, Carrigan Law, LLC If I enter into a civil union and I want to change my last name to my spouse’s last name, how do I do that?

After your civil union license has been recorded at your local county clerk and recorder’s office, obtain a few certified copies of your union license. Take a certified copy to the driver’s license bureau to obtain a license in your new name and to the local social security office to obtain a new social security card.

Do not forget you will need to change your name with your banks, credit cards, utility bills and all other such entities. You will also need to change your passport. If you are honeymooning immediately after the nuptials you may wish to get your tickets in your pre-ceremony name to be sure your travel plans are not delayed.

What if I want to change my children’s last name?

If you already have children you will need to go through a name change process and have birth certificates reissued. If you have children after your civil union you can name your

partner as the child’s second parent and give the child either name or a hyphenated last name. If your child does not have a second parent now your partner can adopt via a stepparent adoption after the ceremony.

What if I want to keep my lastname?

Or hyphenate it?

If you want to keep your name you don’t need to do anything.

Hyphenating it is the same process as changing it.

What else should I know before entering into a civil union and how can a lawyer help my family prepare?

You may want to consider a consultation with a family law or estate planning attorney before you enter the civil union, especially if you have significant assets or either of you have children from previous relationships. Individuals considering civil union should be aware under the current law, many common provisions that apply to spouses will not apply to parties in a civil union if the unions later dissolve. For example, dividing retirement and other benefits at the time of divorce cannot be accomplished under federal laws.

The opinions expressed in this article are general in nature. For specific legal advice about your particular situation, please contact an attorney.

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| MARCH 19, 2014 | 17

ENJOY THE PHOTO: FLOR BLAKE

THE LESBIAN SOCIALITE Robyn Vie-Carpenter

RIDE

ULTIMATELY, EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL — AND THAT’S OK

I

was headed out on a recent flight when the entire computer system for the airline went out. People were standing at the airport unable to check in, check their bags or get through security. This was going on in cities across the country and possibly the world.

I was flying out of San Francisco, and the airline employees there did an incredible job of keeping their cool, keeping passengers calm and continuing to do their primary job of getting people on planes and in the air. No one was losing their tempers.

For a lot of people, flying can be extraordinarily stressful, so any change or shift is reason for panic. This particular situation didn’t escalate into pandemonium because the employees were very good at their jobs — they knew more than one way to complete the tasks at hand and were well-trained in their understanding of plans B and C. Each employee during each step of the process was able to keep their calm, which allowed them to keep their customers calm.

This is clearly a metaphor for life’s little and sometimes not-so-little challenges. When we have a system reboot, are we prepared to go to plan B? Do we even know how to formulate a plan B? It is our ability to stay in flow regardless of the shifts and challenges that happen in life that keeps us calm.

It’s when we know ourselves well enough to be able to quickly formulate plans B, C or D that we can keep ourselves in motion and prevent a meltdown.

Things often don’t go as planned. At times, this can feel like a disaster of

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| MARCH 19, 2014 | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

epic proportions. When death or dismemberment is not the issue, I suggest having a snack and a glass of water. I know this seems like an odd thing to suggest — but low blood sugar and dehydration play a huge role in your ability to think clearly and rationally in a lot of situations.

After that, I suggest a bathroom break. It doesn’t matter if you actually need to use the restroom. This is your opportunity to breathe — to take a rest, if you will. Sometimes you find your emotions getting out of control, causing a situation that may not have been a disaster to escalate well past reason.

When you give yourself the opportunity to breathe, hold your tongue and take a step back from a situation, very often the solution presents itself. At the very least, you’ve calmed down enough to take a true assessment of the situation to formulate a plan of action. This also prevents you from saying hurtful/hateful things that you can’t take back because calling people names will get you nowhere.

It is important to point out that life happens. Things often don’t go as they are planned, and sometimes it’s better! As we know, control is an illusion, so everything is essentially out of your control. The only thing you can control is how you react, how you shift when things change. Roll with the changes, life will hand you lemons, not only can you make lemonade, you can also set up a lemonade stand and make enough money to take a fabulous vacation.

The thing to remember is this, even if it’s not your first choice, there is always a solution. There is always a way out, a way through, a plan B. ¢ Robyn Vie-Carpenter is a social columnist on the local and national LGBT community. See more of Robyn’s columns online at ofcnow.co/TLS or find her on Twitter @TheLesSocialite.

It is important to point out that life happens. Things often don’t go as they are planned, and sometimes it’s better!

THE ART OF

NOT BEING

OFFENDED BLEED LIKE ME Scott McGlothlen

RESPONDING TO IGNORANCE WITH RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

T

“Wow. But… you don’t look like he moment I heard Andrew it at all.” wanted a new workout partner, I contacted him hoping he’d choose And with those words, I felt a me. I barely knew anything about shift in the way I wanted to respond. the guy except for the fact that he Clearly he, like a large portion of the had the body of Greek God and then population, only understood HIV and some. After explaining how my recent AIDS as a thing of the past. Instead of fitness plateau had me stuck, he said being hell bent on making him feel that he’d be more than happy to help bad for what he said, I suddenly had guide me in the right direction. empathy for him. I opted for this to be a teachable moment.

In our first week of pumping iron together, I learned that Andrew was Truthfully, modern HIV/AIDS gruffly opinionated with a brash is something that remains difficult sense of humor — qualities that I’d for a large part of population to typically avoid. understand. And shock humor’s “Where do you buy your supplepopularity makes a lot of room for ments?” He asked one day. I told him political incorrectness. An emotional I shopped at Vitamin Cottage. response would be natural, but I have found that taking offense and leading Andrew scoffed. “What would they know about weight lifting with emotions doesn’t really help supplements? The anyone. Badgering people who shop someone for their Taking offense there all look like mistake rarely and leading with evokes empathy. they have AIDS.” emotions doesn’t Apparently Instead it often just really help anyone.

Andrew didn’t throws up their know about my defenses and we HIV status. I’ve heard lots of dumb, lose the precious opportunity for offensive things about HIV, but this anybody to truly understand anyone. one took the cake. I wanted to rip It hasn’t always been easy to resist offense when I have been into him and let him know that only an awful person would say offended. In fact it can be a bit of such a thing. But by the time I got an art form in order to step back, my thoughts together, the subject cool off, and work on bringing in of the conversation had drifted some logical thinking. But by not way off. leading with emotion, I not only As I left the gym that day, I wongot the benefit of being the bigger dered if I could seriously continue person, but I also got genuine empathy and compassion as a to work out with this man. I decided means of authentic (non-forced) I wanted the help on my body badly enough that I could swallow my pride mutual understanding. and see it through. Besides, maybe Our workouts together turned I would have a second chance for into long conversations about HIV, a proper, less-emotional response life, relationship, and all sorts of down the road. human messiness. By not taking offense, I got the opportunity to Sure enough, a month later I mentioned something about shophelp a man learn the value of some ping at Whole Foods. According to self-censorship. And in return, he Andrew, Whole Foods had AIDS-like actually taught me how to not let customers as well. By now I had a my liberal heart bleed so easily. We better response. found a good friendship where we “You know, Andrew,” leaned in not only worked on our bodies, but closely, “I have AIDS.” also exercised our brains.

His eyes were like saucers.

Scott McGlothlen is a cultural col“Really?” he asked with a look of umnist on life as a HIV-positive gay utter remorse that most of his friends man. See more of Scott’s columns would probably never see. online at ofcnow.co/scott or contact “Not AIDS,” I had to clarify, “but yeah I am actually HIV positive.” him at scott@outfrontonline.com.

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| MARCH 19, 2014 | 19

INTERVIEW

Rock and roll one up with NYC’s Aris

With grungey looks and and even grungier voice, this artist is making waves in the rock circuit

By Berlin Sylvestre

Y

ou know how a guy sounds when he just wakes up … that scratchy and adorable sleepy voice? That’s exactly how I’d describe the way Aris (rhymes with Paris) sounded when he rang me up last week. I guess it’s not a leap of logic when you consider that the guy’s got the gravel of Kurt Cobain and the skills of every heartsick crooner you obsessed on in middle school. A passionate singer-songwriter/activist who gets his spiritual fill via NYC soup kitchens, Aris served up his sensitive side chit-chatting with Out Front. Check it out.

You’re described as a gay grunge rocker. Is that accurate?

I have diverse roots, but that’s definitely a good hashtag for people who are looking for an easy access point.

You grew up around musical diversity ...

I grew up in Brooklyn, where you could walk down the street and hear gospel on one block, Motown and doo-wop on another … I grew up thinking that was normal, so the walls between genres were never that solid for me. I think that’s why the music I make is a tapestry of sound.

I noticed that you don’t really play up the gay aspect in your videos. In fact, you’re seen with women. Do you consider yourself gay?

I get asked this a lot. Sexuality for me is fluid, but on the Kinsey scale, I definitely lean more toward men. I’ve fallen in love with women before in the past, but the videos are more about telling a story and transcending sexuality. As far as my own sexuality, I am all about being an activist for the community, but I don’t know that I want to be a gay artist — I just want to be an artist.

Does your sexuality inform your music at all?

Definitely. I write a lot of love songs … songs of longing and lust, but they’re not about straight up sex. I want people to be able to relate and draw their own parallels. I don’t say ‘he’ or ‘she;’ I say ‘you’ or ‘me.’

You’ve got a real ease about you on stage. How do you prepare?

I don’t talk about this much, but I have terrible stage

fright. I’m not sure if it’s judgment or the anxiety of performing, so it made me think I couldn’t do it — especially because I had a bad stutter.

But my mother toured as a belly dancer in the 60s, so I knew it was in my blood; I just had to access it and live it. We all have struggles and some days are worse than others, but if I can’t do what I love, my light is dimmer and I can’t give enough back to the world.

On your facebook page, you ask your followers to reveal the last time they cried, but I didn’t see your answer. Do you mind sharing?

Wow, OK. It was about a week ago. My mom passed away a day after Hurricane Sandy and the grieving process has obviously been very difficult — more so than I would’ve understood at first. There are moments when a memory or a scent hits and takes me to an overwhelming place and that’s what happened. I missed my mom last week and really wanted to talk to her.

Paula Cole and I did a duet [“I Believe in Love”] in a church and it was a magical moment. I was trying not to cry. If there was anywhere she could’ve been, that’d be it. Even people in the audience came up to me and said they felt her there.

ARIS • PHOTO: PHOTOGRAPHIE VIVANTE

If you could design a music festival, which artists would be performing?

I’d love to do a Lilith Fair revival, but with some boys in there. Nikka Costa, Paula Cole, Anouk, Chris Cornell, Lorde … and I’d love for this festival to have a collaborative spirit. Not just showcasing; but being a community.

Got any vices?

I do! I drink way too much coffee. It’s something that I’m working on … and by working on, I mean working on having it iced in the summer and hot in the winter.

Another vice I can talk about — especially since you’re in Colorado — is marijuana. New York is New Amsterdam. So my vices are pot and coffee … and cheeseburgers, which logically follow pot.

I’m also about to launch Operation Inspire in the spring, and I like to talk about that a lot. Our goal is to inspire people to get more involved in their local communities and to change their world for the better. We’re going to highlight the people who are making small changes and hoping it’ll get the

Sexuality for me is fluid, but on the Kinsey scale, I definitely lean more toward men. I’ve fallen in love with women before in the past, but the videos are more about telling a story and transcending sexuality.

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| MARCH 19, 2014 | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

ball rolling for others. This was inspired by my mom, who instilled a strong sense of service in me.

The Rolling Stones or The Beatles?

The Beatles.

Stone Temple Pilots or Pearl Jam? Stone Temple Pilots.

Soundgarden or Nirvana?

Awww, man! I love both of those! I mean Chris Cornell ... that voice. Kurt with that songwriting!

Pass.

Beyonce or Rihanna?

Beyonce, hands down. Not to diss Rihanna.

Madonna or Lady Gaga?

Madonna. She was a revolutionary and a smart business woman. Gaga has a fantastic voice, but I’m waiting to see her career trajectory and how she refines her aesthetic.

Star Wars or Star Trek?

Star Trek. I was a big, big, big Trekkie. My mom even took me to conventions.

Love or Money?

Love. Money can’t buy love and if you have it, you don’t really need money.

And with that, he was whisked away into NYC oblivion to continue doing gorgeous things for our entertainment and the betterment of the world. For pics, vids, and updates on our sensitive, bearded buddy, check out ofcnow.co/aris. ¢

y d e m Co Issue The

ing St a r r n o r, emea d s i M y Fe l o n a n W i e l e b a y Jo r d c k Ro & Chu

COMEDY ISSUE GUIDELINES: PAG ES W I T H T H E G R E E N COMEDY ISSUE FOOTER ARE SATIRICAL IN NATURE, AND IT IS OUT FRONT’S SINCEREST HOPE THAT NO ONE TAKES THESE ARTICLES SERIOUSLY. OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| THE COMEDY ISSUE | MARCH 19, 2014 | 21

CHUCK ROY • PAGE 23 PHOTO: CRYSTAL ALLEN

JORDAN WIELEBA • PAGE 24 PHOTO: ROD ALAN WILDEMAN

S E K O J Local LGBT on funny people marijuana, and social media of making fun anch Highlands R

22

FELONY MISDEMEANOR • PAGE 26 PHOTO: ROD ALAN WILDEMAN

by Kristin Ziegler

ON US

| MARCH 19, 2014 | THE COMEDY ISSUE | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

s h g u a L g i B y l z z i r G

S

Catching up with Chuck Roy, Denver’s funniest bear

tanding at 6’3” with curly black hair and a coarse bear, which, together, seems to have grown into a single impressive mane, Chuck Roy is a dominating presence. Indeed, this bear has dominated the Denver comedy scene for over 15 years with his perhaps abrasive, always no holds barred and undeniably original comedy style.

With an already impressive catalog of sitcom appearances and comedy specials, Roy’s career is about to see another huge year. He has a comedy show with legendary comedian Ralphie May airing this summer, he’s shooting a onehour special in April and he has begun filming a dramatic role for an upcoming independent film. But despite his successes, his paws are very much rooted in Denver.

You’ve been doing comedy in Denver since 1999. That’s a good amount of time! What is it that keep you loving the Denver comedy scene?

Well, Red Rocks Amphitheater and Denver audiences! People here really like to go out for a night of entertainment, including comedy of course, but the scene here is really affected by Red Rocks and all kinds of really great music venues. So, you have a smart, knowledgeable audience; when they commit to a night at your show, they’ve most likely passed up a night at another really good show, so you’ve got to really deliver for them. And if you do deliver, they really bring it right back to you.

What jokes do Coloradans really get into?

Or, is there anything that is really, really off-limits?

They love when I make fun of Highlands Ranch, and Highlands Ranch people think that topic should be off-limits.

Tell us about Highlands Ranch.

There’s no ‘highlands’, there’s only one ‘ranch’ and they have those communities where they name the place after whatever they killed to build the neighborhood. And then they put gates up to prevent crime, but if you want to prevent crime in Highlands Ranch, you’ll probably need an auditor — not a gate.

You’re also pretty well-known nationally.

You’ve been on some major sitcoms and you have a few shows coming out on television this year.

I’ve never been in a better position artistically. I’m redeveloping the entire opening of my set to essentially highlight my life as a “Bearly Gay Republican.” And I’m really connected to who I am, both personally and as an

artist, and I’ve really been able to share my family stories that were once private and personal. I’m now able to just speak eloquently about, well, the front track of my one-hour special is to talk about what my father said to me when I came out of the closet. And it doesn’t take long for me to transition to subjects like maple syrup farming.

So, Denver is home to some pretty sleazy bars, some fabulously so and some not so much.

What’s the raunchiest gig you’ve ever played?

The Squire Lounge and The Lion’s Lair. I used to walk into The Squire Lounge where all of the hip skinny jeans kids who are breaking out now first got together. It was really a romantic period over there between 2003 and 2007.

My thing there was I would walk in and start doing material I had just written at 4 o’clock that afternoon. That was the rule on Tuesdays, I’d go to this hellacious dive bar called The Squire and just do jokes that came from that day only. That’s where I developed my improv skills.

Well, speaking of improv, are you up for a little game? Rapidfire style: I’ll give you a topic and you give us a joke.

Okay.

All right! Colorado’s marijuana legalization.

I can’t remember what you asked me about.

PHOTO: CRYSTAL ALLEN

Be sure to catch Chuck Roy’s “Bearly Funny” April 9th at the Denver Improv.

For more information, please visit chuckroy.com.

Colorado’s civil unions.

Less constitutional, more constipational.

Stereotypes about Denverites.

Stoned on weed.

The Oscars.

Faster than an Ellen DeGeneres punchline.

That was great! Thanks so much for your time, Chuck! Is there anything else you’d like to share?

Blush and Blu is a really great venue. I came to Denver because I always thought I could come here and write jokes about going on

a date with my boyfriend, I always thought and hoped that Denver would be the first audience to just let that be casual. It’s taken from 1999 to last year, and this last year I’ve really watched Denver come into what I hoped it would be. And Blush and Blu used to be a lesbian bar, but you can’t have a bar open on Cap Hill and just be a gay bar. There’s no gender or sexuality check, it’s just a bar. And I think that’s the coolest thing about Denver.

There’s [comedy shows being hosted] for all walks of life who come through the door.

Denver’s on its way to becoming a world class city because we are modern...but, when’s the Wrangler going to catch up? ¢

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| THE COMEDY ISSUE | MARCH 19, 2014 | 23

y d a L s u o iot A RGetting to know Jordan Wieleba, Denver’s punk comedian J

ordan Wieleba’s got an edge. Sporting leather jackets, band tees and a blonde streak amidst her otherwise chocolate brown hair, her punk rock aesthetic lends itself perfectly to her comedy — it’s smart, sassy, provocative and more riveting, but still honest.

Wieleba sat down with Out Front to talk Denver comedy, #selfies, and everyone’s favorite topic — cats.

You’re a miraculous kitty sitter and a still avid-wearer of scrunchies...

Well, I try to. I get in trouble for that.

According to some of your most recent Tweets...

You’ve been reading my Tweets? Somebody has, good!

Well, you are a local comedian. Could you tell us a little bit about the Denver comedy scene?

It’s a wonderful scene. As far as I know, it’s one of the best in the country. We have so many different talented people here, and we have fresh people coming in constantly. It’s very welcoming and supportive. Everybody here has the same goal, and we are all willing to work together to reach it.

...so aside from cats and scrunchies, who is Jordan Wieleba?

I am outgoing, abrasive, loud, some people would say funny... not always, but I can be from time to time... I’m not-so-average and against the grain.

PHOTO: ROD ALAN WILDEMAN

A self-described “social media slut,” Wieleba can be found on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

You can also keep up with her via her website, transmediancomedy.com.

24

There was another place, also coincidentally in the Springs, that was the skeaziest place I’d ever been. It was actually a legal weed bar. It was in the deep part of Colorado Springs, like, so deep in Colorado Springs it was Colorado Spraaangs. It was just a bunch of people smoking weed, and instead of hecklers, I just had coughers. I did have someone ask me, “Are you transgender?” I told him yeah and he said, “Oh, thank god! I was going to hit on you, but now I know not to!” That was pretty skeazy.

On that note, there’s been a lot of chit chat about how the legalization of marijuana is going to do wonders for the Colorado economy. And as stoners love to laugh, do you think the comedy economy will benefit, as well?

I know a lot of people who smoke weed, I don’t, but I know a lot of comedians who do.

I have some friends who kind of specialize in weed comedy, and they seem to be doing pretty well!

You are transgender, and you talk about your experiences as a transgender woman in quite a lot of your comedy. The comedy scene, maybe not in Denver, but as a whole, has been marked by it’s sexism and transphobia.

What are some effective ways to smack down hecklers?

It hasn’t really happened too much to me in Denver, but the other day someone did introduce me as “the most convincing transsexual I know.” I know he wasn’t meaning anything by it, but it was the wrong thing to say. So I just came back with, “Thanks to the most convincing stoner I know!”

In addition to pot jokes, what really gets Coloradans laughing?

I have a joke about Highlands Ranch, which is where I live, and people just love that!

I just rip into Highlands Ranch, and people are like, “Yeah, f*ck that place!”

And people love a Casa Bonita joke.

Denver’s comedy shows are hosted at quite the array of clubs around Denver.

(Laughs) Oh, yeah!

If you were given the opportunity to pitch a television show, what would it be about?

It sounds narcissistic, but I’ve always wanted to pitch a show about myself. Like, a transgender comedian, and how I live my life in the public eye. I think that would translate really well on to TV. Other than that, a cartoon about a punk rock band... with cats.

What’s the absolute skeaziest, sleaziest gig you’ve ever played?

Actually, it’s not the trashiest place, but one of the first places I did a show after coming out was in Colorado Springs — which probably wasn’t the best place to do my big, inaugural coming out show.

This is before no one knew, so I get down to the venue dressed as a woman, and the manager said, “What are you doing?” But I did my thing. The bartender was really awful, and kept saying things like, “Do you want another drink, man?!

You did really great, man!”

| MARCH 19, 2014 | THE COMEDY ISSUE | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

Another Twitter observation, you love taking a #selife.

I do take selfies! That’s, like, a guilty pleasure.

I’m so bad about it!

What’s your dream place to take a selfie in Denver?

Oh, wow! I don’t know! Where haven’t I taken a selfie?

Probably in front of a sold-out crowd.

What’s coming up next for you?

I’m going on the road for the first time this year. I am going to Ohio in April for their LGBTQ Awareness Week; they want me to do an hour at a university, which is my first college set and my first hour long show, which I am completely nervous about, but I’m totally stoked they asked me to do it.

I’d love to set up a LGBTQ festival in Denver. ¢

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| MARCH 19, 2014 | 25

y n n u F y l l a n i m i Cr

Getting into trouble with Felony Misdemeanor

W

ith a style that is at once casual, innovative, and sexy and a penchant for jokes about all things illicit, Felony Misdemeanor is like the love child of Janet Jackson and Richard Pryor. ...had that child been relinquished to the Aurora foster care system.

Out Front recently caught up with Denver’s funniest drag queen to chat about stoner jokes, the 7-11 sign that inspired her name, and the absurd things you do.

For our readers who don’t yet know you, who is Felony Misdemeanor?

Felony Misdemeanor is your neighborhood B-Girl, or black girl. She is well liked, in my mind, because she’s sweet but keeps it “real.” Straight men love her, gays just want to get her stoned. You want an honest answer, she will tell you.

Don’t let her calm demeanor fool you, she will throw a two jab and uppercut combination to the mouth followed, by a stone cold stunner if she has to!

The name “Felony Misdemeanor” may be the most brilliant name in the Denver drag scene. How’d you come up with it?

I was selling drugs and illegal immigrants at a 7-11 years ago when I read a sign that said, “It is a felony/misdemeanor for shoplifting.” Thank goodness I wasn’t doing that!

Of course, marijuana is no longer a felony or misdemeanor in Colorado, and you pretty openly love you some pot and a good pot quip. Care to give us your best stoner joke?

I’m sorry, you want what again?

Where did you get your sense of humor?

My sense of humor came about when I was born. On my birth certificate, it said my race was “Negroid,” which means I’m a black android.

How long have you lived in Colorado?

I have lived here for 10 years as of December 17, 2013.

PHOTO: ROD ALAN WILDEMAN

Be sure to catch Felony Misdemeanor every second Friday at Tracks for her show, “Felony’s Cellblock.” Doors at 9 o’clock, no cover for 21+, $5 for 18+.

For more information, check out Felony’s Twitter page, @FelonyM. 26

| MARCH 19, 2014 | THE COMEDY ISSUE | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

What are the three funniest, most ridiculous things Coloradans do?

One, buying recreational pot. It’s much cheaper if you get it from a dealer. I’ll hook you up.

Two, buying everything on the store shelves when we have a “winter snow storm” warning.

Three, the girls and gays that won’t wear a coat in this “snow storm.” They’d rather look cute in their little skirtsgays- and booty shorts- girls- and freeze their asses off knowing damn well there is a coat check.

Finally, who are you rooting for this season on RuPaul’s Drag Race?

I was rooting for the stoner girl, Laganja Estranja, but she turned out to be annoying as hell. I don’t have a favorite yet, but that Gia Gunn’s paint says “bitch” all over it. She actually has a bitch face. You know that face that says “I’m a bitch?” Just sayin.’ Good luck to them all though. ¢

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| MARCH 19, 2014 | 27

COMINGEVENTS EVENTS COMING

@ ARVADA CENTER 6901 WADSWORTH BLVD • ARVADA It’s December 1968 and Judy Garland – with her signature cocktail of talent, tenacity and razor-sharp wit – is poised to make a triumphant comeback... or maybe not.

Featuring many of her most memorable songs, this bio-drama with music will leave audiences with a tragically poignant insight to the star's final days.

Tickets start at $36. Visit ofcnow.co/end for showtimes and more information.

MAR 24

Pictured: Her Aim Is True • A Film By Karen Whitehead

The 4th Annual Women+Film VOICES Film Festival VOICES Film Festival was inspired by the theme of International Women’s Day, which is celebrated around the world every March. This week long Festival showcases a mix of documentaries, feature presentations and short films, celebrating the best in women centric programming.

MAR

20 Transgender Day Thu

GLBTSS of Auraria presents Transgender Day of Visibility featuring keynote speaker Laverne Cox. Celebrate the full diversity of the gender spectrum and the accomplishments of trans* people in our society.

21

More info online at ofcnow.co/vis

Sat

We’ve partnered with The Narrators to find true stories from Denver locals, which we’ll then give to creative teams to re-imagine and perform live in The Jones. This could involve aerial dance, music, 8,000 balloons, puppets, a large water tank, spaghetti, clowns…whatever is needed to fully realize these stories. Tickets $15.

More info online at ofcnow.co/lived

28

| MARCH 19, 2014 | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

of Visibility

@ TIVOLI TURNHALLE, AURARIA CAMPUS 11 A.M. TO 2 P.M. (DOORS AT 10:30 A.M.)

MA R

@ OFF-CENTER @ THE JONES THE CORNER OF SPEER & ARAPAHOE, DOWNTOWN DENVER DOORS 8 P.M. / SHOW 8:30 P.M.

FIND MORE UPCOMING EVENTS & LIST YOUR OWN AT ofcnow.co/cal

@ SIE FILMCENTER, 2510 EAST COLFAX SEE WEBSITE FOR SHOWTIMES & EVENTS: OFCNOW.CO/VOICES

OUT FRONT NIGHT: Saturday, March 22 Pre-show reception and special discounted ticket pricing - More info online at ofcnow.co/end22

Lived / Relived The live realization of True Stories

FIND

End of the Rainbow

THROUGH

MORE

M A RCH 2 1 – A P R IL 13

MAR

27 Thu

Denver Gay Professionals @ CADENCE UNION STATION, 1920 17TH ST. • 5:30–8 P.M.

Hosted by Cadence Union Station, join the Denver Gay Professionals for an evening of jazz, cocktails and more!

Please RSVP by visiting ofcnow.co/dgp

THROUGHOUT

MARCH

Month of Printmaking

Month of Printmaking Denver (Mo’Print) is a celebration of the art of making original prints to inspire, educate and promote awareness through a variety of public events and exhibitions in Denver and the metropolitan region. More than a dozen participating galleries: visit ofcnow.co/moprint for full schedule.

APR

5 Sat

TRAVEL

H U M A N R I G H TS CA M PA I G N

2014 Mile High Gala

@ DENVER MARRIOTT CITY CENTER, 1701 CALIFORNIA ST 5:30 P.M. TO 11 P.M. This year’s Mile High Gala promises to be a preeminent event, featuring enthralling entertainers, an exciting silent auction, and captivating guest speakers sure to inspire. Program Participant Brad Clark, HRC Director of Programmatic Development, will be heading this year’s mile high gala.

More info online at ofcnow.co/gala

itinerary national LGBT destinations

MAR

Taste 2 - 5 of Vail

29 Sat

Denver Rock n Roll Pub Crawl @ CASSELMANS BAR & VENUE DENVER, 2620 WALNUT ST NOON TO 5 P.M. Day Drinking, local music, 4 performances at 4 great local pubs in Denver! Featuring four Bands: The Kinky Fingers The whicker and pine Steele & Colfax The Stubby Shillelaghs Prizes for best music-related costume, best theme and more!

April 2-6, 2014 Palm Springs, CA ofcnow.co/dinah

Taste of Vail is the nation's premier spring food and wine festival held at iconic locations throughout North America's most popular mountain resort showcasing the finest chefs in Vail and the nation's top vintners.

For a full list of events and participating businesses, visit ofcnow.co/tov

Phoenix Pride

April 5-6, 2014 Phoenix, AZ ofcnow.co/phoenix

Arizona Gay Days ARTWORK: CHARMAYNE BERNHARDT

Denver Fashion 3 - 6 Weekend APR

More info online at ofcnow.co/crawl

@ CITY HALL AMPHITHEATRE 1144 BROADWAY

May 8-12, 2014 Phoenix, AZ ofcnow.co/az

Albuquerque Pride May 31, 2014 Albuquerque, NM ofcnow.co/abq

Disney Gay Days

It’s that time of year again for Denver's largest fashion event featuring 3 nights of Fashion & Style! Check out the hottest Denver fashions, hairstyling, parties & more.

More info online at ofcnow.co/DenverFashion

June 3-9, 2014 Orlando, FL ofcnow.co/orlando

Capitol Pride

June 6, 2014 Washington, DC ofcnow.co/dc

LA Pride

APR

9 Marriage

Wed

Dinah Shore Weekend

APR

Equality Rally

@ BYRON WHITE U.S. COURTHOUSE 823 STOUT STREET • 6:30 P.M. The 10th District Court, which is right here in Denver, will be hearing the Utah appeal on April 10 and the Oklahoma appeal on April 17. We are holding a rally to urge the court to uphold the lower court rulings. Since Colorado is part of the 10th District, these decisions directly affect us all.

More info online at ofcnow.co/rally

June 6-8, 2014 Los Angeles, CA ofcnow.co/la

PrideFest Milwaukee June 6-8, 2014 Milwaukee, WI ofcnow.co/milw

Pittsburgh Pride June 6-15, 2014 Pittsburgh, PA ofcnow.co/pitt OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| MARCH 19, 2014 | 29

CUISINE

E M I R a P z s z ’ i r p e Denv for zombie place

COOHILLS 1400 Wewatta Street Denver • (303)-623-5700 Coohills.com

Pizza Prime HAMBURGER MARY’S 700 East 17th Avenue Denver • 303-832-1333 HamburgerMarys.com/denver

By R. L. Steen

I

PARALLEL SEVENTEEN 1600 East 17th Ave. Denver • 303-399-0988 ParallelSeventeen.com

DJ’s 9th Avenue Cafe DJ’S 9TH AVENUE CAFE 865 Lincoln St. Denver • 303-386-3375 DjsCafe.biz

THE MELTING POT 2707 W. Main St. Littleton • (303)-794-5666 MeltingPot.com

30

resurrects y our leftove

f there’s one thing that plagues the restaurant industry more than any other, it’s lack of creative efficiency. Oh, sure, you can grace your ceilings with sparkling chandeliers and fill your dining rooms with microfiber-lined lounge chairs, but when it comes to the food, process and vision are key.

Julia Child once said, “I never go to restaurants in America. It takes an hour or more to get the food and then, it’s not what I expected at all.” Sad to say, America’s Culinary Dame got it right: restaurants just don’t know how to deliver.

Except for one I stumbled across purely by accident a few weeks ago. Nestled in the Highlands (aren’t all new restaurants in the Highlands?), it was neither pretentious nor keenly aware of its own chic. Rather, it was tucked in an alley next to CorePower Yoga. And the name? Nothing to gush about, but to the point and concise: Pizza Prime.

I don’t need to tell you that there are dozens of pizza stops in and around Denver. We all have our favorites, and those we jump to on drunken nights when lifting a hand to cook is not only undesirable, it’s dangerous. But this one is unique. The interior is designed like an abandoned subway station, if you can believe it — a refreshing and casual take on New York-style pizzerias. Most of the furniture was gathered from garage sales, while bits of paper and and knobby chewing gum made the scene all the more authentic. It was the Big Apple summed up in a dilapidated dining room, and though the chaos of decoration and debris might give one a start, it grows on you quickly.

But enough about the ambience — on to the food. Pizza Prime is one pie mecca that does the classic New York style right, all while honing in on a brilliantly efficient system. The owner, Bradley Warner, is a transplant from Connecticut and wanted to invest in his own restaurant after an unsuccessful career in real estate.

“One of my favorite things as a kid was making

| MARCH 19, 2014 | THE COMEDY ISSUE | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

r pizza bran

d new

the trek down to New York in the summers, and sitting with the family in a back alley pizza joint for a slice or two of day-old pie.”

That kind of experience is hard to duplicate, but Warner has succeeded. His secret? Well, there’s not much room for a proper kitchen at Pizza Prime, so Warner built relationships with existing pizza places in and around the city where he sources leftover slices of pizza. Twice a day, he makes the rounds in his 10-year-old Chevy and hauls all the leftover pizza he can back to the restaurant. There, he slides the half-eaten pies out onto a cutting board and fires the top with a crème brûlée torch until they’re crispy and bubbly — resurrections of their former selves.

You might find this hard to believe, but the pizza here is amazing: glistening, cheesy tops mixed together with wilted greens and curly pepperoni. And the crust—the show-stopping feature on any pie? Crisp on the outside, chewy on inside.

Perfecto.

Fortunately for Warner and unfortunately for us, the demand for Pizza Prime has grown so rapidly that he hasn’t been able to find enough leftover pizza to meet demand. So, he’s recently entered into a casual partnership with the breakfast stop next door to use their ovens for boxes of DiGiornio’s — just in case the day-old slices stop coming.

In a city mired with mediocre, thoughtless pizza, Pizza Prime is a refreshing take on a New York classic — foldable, malleable slices, ooeygooey with cheese and dripping with toppings.

Recently, a customer asked Warner when he was going to be getting gluten-free pizza. Warner shrugged with a sly grin. “Show me a place that’s making it, and I’ll add it to my rounds,” he said.

I’d say that kind of commitment deserves our appetites.

R.L. Steen is Out Front’s most prolific food fiction writer, producing a new food column nearly every two weeks. Pizza Prime is not a real place.

Dont forget Tuesday is $15.00 Liters of House Margarita Gold!

FUN AFFORDABLE DELICIOUS

Not all green chili is created equal. Come in and get your Benny’s fix.

301 EAST 7TH AVE. • 303 894 0788 BENNYSRESTAURANT.COM

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| MARCH 19, 2014 | 31

e f i L h g The Hi

ARTS & CULTURE

Taco Bell rt o p ir a e h t t a ons ur cultural horiz

Broaden yo DIXIE'S TUPPERWARE PARTY

Mar. 26 - April 20 Champa & 13th • Denver DenverCenter.org

SISTERS OF SWING Mar. 7 - May 11 5501 Arapahoe Ave. • Boulder BouldersDinnerTheatre.com

You will find many things to eat at Taco Bell. This is not one of them.

By Robert Barge

M

RACHMANINOFF SYMPHONIC DANCES Apr 11-13- • Boettcher Concert Hall 1000 14th St. • Denver ColoradoSymphony.org

SPRING AWAKENING Apr. 11 - May 4 2450 W Main St. • Littleton TownHallArtsCenter.com

DRUNKTOWN'S FINEST Mar. 22 2510 East Colfax www.denverfilm.org

32

y first taste of North American culture was quite welcome after a tiresome nonstop flight from Sydney. Minutes after I stepped off of the plane I was hungry and sore, but in for a real treat: My first taste of authentic North American cuisine — the airport Taco Bell.

As I stepped into the brilliant florescent lights, the delicious tangy smell of 88 percent real meat sizzling from the kitchen overtook my senses. After blinking a few times to get my eyes to adjust, I took in the ambience of the building — relatively small for a restaurant, but not too crowded. The best word to be used is “quaint.” The colorful art on the windows displayed parts of their menu and really gave the place a cheerful attitude — most of the language in the art was very positive and exciting.

There wasn’t a hostess, so I seated myself. Let’s just say that the service at Taco Bell is poor at best.

My waiter never came. Instead, I walked directly up to the kitchen and sent my order from the counter. There’s a certain level of quirk about their ordering system as diners must pay for their food before they even receive it. If the staff at Taco Bell wants a tip, they’re going to have to work a little bit harder to win my wallet’s favor.

Poor customer service aside, the food was so sumptuous and divine that I expect I’ll be attending this establishment far more times than just this visit. I started my meal off with an Americaninfused Mexican classic, “The Doritos Locos Taco.”

The taco came coated in a thick dust that was a color that can only be described as “radioactive orange” and a taste that can only be “radioactive delicious.”

The chef clearly knew what he was doing tastewise, but can anything be so tacky as handing a diner a paper-wrapped meal? I decided to give the plating another chance by ordering their special: a Chili Cheese Fries Loaded Griller. This exceeded all

| MARCH 19, 2014 | THE COMEDY ISSUE | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

my expectations, as my refined palate was satiated by every aspect of this burrito-like masterpiece.

Carefully fried potato “tots” were crammed in a buttered tortilla with molten ballpark-style processed cheese, beany meat and carefully blended “secret” spices. When I asked to speak to the chef about the spices, he himself did not know exactly went into them. Apparently the owners are very covetous of their recipe.

Taco Bell’s drink menu caught my eye after finishing my chili cheese treat. These drinks came in such an assortment of vivid colors that I was surprised I hadn’t noticed them when I first walked in. I asked one of the staff what their signature drink would be and I was told that the “Baja Blast” was a Taco Bell exclusive, so I went for that. The tart slush that I quickly guzzled was so delicious and so sugary that though my vision was starting to blur, I had to drink 3 of them in quick succession.

After finishing my lip-smacking dinner, I decided that I still had enough room for a dessert and looked at the dessert menu to find a treasure trove of delicacies from all over North America. This was the toughest decision of the night — do I go for a classic churro or does my inner diabetic wont for the 4 pack of Cinnabon Delights? I decide to appease the monster within and go for the Cinnabons. These bite-sized pastry morsels are packed full of frosting and rolled in cinnamon sugar reminiscent of my childhood toast preference.

Despite the shortcomings in ambience and service, Taco Bell’s food more than makes up for them. In fact, the food is so good that it even makes up for the bathroom trip you’ll inevitably need afterwards.

9/10 stars, would eat again.

Robert Barge is a clueless Australian, and can no longer smell due to a high school chemistry class explosion.

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| MARCH 19, 2014 | 33

WEEKLY SPECIALS FROM OUT FRONT’S LGBT-INCLUSIVE BAR PARTNERS.

BLACK CROWN

EL POTRERO

DAILY HAPPY HOUR

DRAG WEDNESDAYS: NO COVER

4 p.m. – 6 p.m.

2-for-1 beers, $3 rum, and vodka specials, $2 drafts

BlackCrownLounge.com

MONDAYS

1/2 price select bottles of wine

Facebook.com/el.potrero.180

GO-GO FRIDAYS: NO COVER

SUNDAYS Martinis & Misbehavin’ with Cora Vette and $8 Kettle One martinis

$2 rum and vodka specials, $2 drafts, $5 Jose Cuervo, $15 beer buckets and $5 Jager shots

BLUSH & BLU

HAMBURGER MARY’S

DAILY HAPPY HOUR

HOURS OF OPERATION

$3 wells, vino, domestics, lattes; $1.50 PBR’s; $4 shots of Fireball 3 p.m. to 7 p.m.

11 a.m. to 2 a.m., Thursday through Saturday.

BlushBluBar.com

e Fat Tuesday at X Bar

It was boobs, beads and booze at the X Bar March 4 during their Fat Tuesday celebration. Free shots were given to those who flashed their boobs and prizes were awarded to those with the most beads.

Photos by Charles Broshous

see mo re ofcnow at .co/ mg14

HamburgerMarys.com/denver

VISIT WEBSITE FOR SPECIALS

FRIDAYS

Karaoke at 9 p.m.

SUNDAYS Molly’s famous $4 Bloodys

BOYZTOWN

BoyzTownDenver.com HAPPY HOUR

Monday-Thursday: 3 – 8 p.m.

LI’L DEVILS

LilDevilsLounge.com WEDNESDAYS

$4 22-ounces tanks of your choice.

SUNDAYS: TRIVIA NIGHT

Compete for free drinks and bar tabs, starting at 7:30 p.m., $3 Smirnoff.

U CALLS

Monday–Thursday: Absolut $4.50 Friday & Sunday: Stoli $4.50 Friday–Sunday: 3Olives $4.50

PIRATES COVE • PUEBLO

BROADWAYS

TRACKS

HAPPY HOUR

SUPERSTAR THURSDAYS

Mon – Fri: 2pm – 9pm Sat & Sun: 12pm – 9pm $2.25 Wells | $2.00 Domestic Drafts | $3.75 Svedka Flavors & Domestic Mini Pitchers

18 + dance party Cover: 18-20 $10, 21+ $5 after 10 p.m.

BroadwaysDenver.com

Facebook.com/ piratescoveeventspage TracksDenver.com

ELEVATED SATURDAYS

2-for-1 drinks between 9 – 10 p.m.

No cover before 10 p.m.

CUSTOMER APPRECIATION NIGHT

Mondays at 9pm

CLUB Q • COLO. SPRINGS ClubQOnline.com

COMPOUND BASIX CompoundDenver.com DAILY HAPPY HOURS

7 - 10 a.m. & 5 - 8 p.m. $2.50 wells, $3 domestic longnecks, $2 off calls FRIDAY & SATURDAY DANCE PARTIES

$3 Well Vodka & $5 Svedka; No cover BEER BUSTS

Saturdays, 6 – 10 p.m., $8.

CHARLIE’S

CharliesDenver.com DAILY BEER SPECIAL

$4 for a 32 oz. domestic pitcher and $8 for a premium pitcher THURSDAYS: 1/2 PRICE NIGHT FRIDAYS:

UNDERGROUND PUB COLO. SPRINGS

sidengo.com/undergroundbars

WRANGLER

DenverWrangler.com WEDNESDAYS: TRIVIA NIGHT

Geeks who Drink Pub Trivia 8 p.m. $2 house vodka, Bud & Coors pints SATURDAYS

$3 Svedka // 2nd Saturday SWEET 5th Saturday RETRO SWEET! SUNDAYS: BEER BUST

$8 Legendary Beer Bust (4-8 p.m.)

X BAR

XBarDenver.com MONDAY–SATURDAY

BOGO happy hour: 3 p.m. – 6 p.m.

SUNDAY

$5 lemonade buckets all day

$10 Buddy Beer Bust, 5 p.m. $3 Absolut, 9 p.m.

SATURDAYS: $5 Beer Bust, 2 p.m.

SUNDAYS: Drag show, 9 p.m.

34

| MARCH 19, 2014 | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

FOR TWITTER UPDATES AND INTERACTIVE MAP GO TO OFCNOW.CO/BTAB

Gayest Oscar Party Ever • March 2 The Gayest Oscar Party Ever was held at Hamburger Mary's Club M on March 2. The event, which promised to be more fabulous than a unicorn covered in glitter… in a rainbow boa… singing Streisand was a benefit for Off-Center| Photos by Charles Broshous

th S t.

P

ar

ve

nu

e

W es

t

700 E 17th Ave Denver, CO 80203 (303) 832-1333

Humboldt St.

Logan St.

Emerson St.

Washington St.

E. 18th Ave. E. 17th Ave.

A

1446 S. Broadway Denver, CO 80210 720.353.4701

Downing St.

Broadway

E. 20th Ave.

k

Downing St.

t. ut S

35

ln Wa

see mo re ofcnow at .co/ oscar14

Colfax Ave. Broadway

C

E. 2nd Ave.

E. 1st Ave.

W Byers Pl.

H

4501 E Virginia Ave Denver, Colorado 80246 • (303) 388-8889 www.facebook.com/elpotreroclub

Alameda Ave.

A

A. BLACK CROWN

F. EL POTRERO

B. BLUSH & BLU

G. HAMBURGER MARY’S

C. BOYZTOWN

H. LI’L DEVILS

D. CHARLIES

I. TRACKS

E . COMPOUND BASIX

J. WRANGLER

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| MARCH 19, 2014 | 35

queen in my mouth.

But people do. Bless their hearts.

“They’re Ball Park Franks,” I tell the curious. “They plump when you lick them.”

Some see that as a challenge and it’s deep throat city for my squeaky dog chews.

Yes, my hot dog wieners are dog toys from Pets R Us. I find the best earrings in pet stores. For the most dramatic effect, I like my earrings big, colorful and fun. Dog toys obey that request perfectly. Just do not wander into the nearby dog park or it’s shred city for your earlobes.

I make most of my earrings. From mini boxes of Froot Loops to Dairy Queen ice cream cone toys, all manner of crazy items get turned into

BANGLES THAT

DANGLE RADIOACTIVE VISION Nuclia Waste

I

WHY I BUY MY JEWELRY FROM THE PET STORE

have yet another confession to make.

I am an earring whore. The world of fashion claims it’s all about the accessories, and my accessories of addiction are earrings.

If you are lucky enough to get a personal tour of my drag dungeon in Gaypleton, besides the colorful wall of wigs, shelves of purses and racks of platform shoes, you will find three very large tackle boxes overflowing with earrings. And it’s apropos that they are in bait boxes since at least one pair are fishing lures I purchased from Bass Pro Shops. (Drag tip: remove the barbed hooks before you make lures into earrings, unless you need some extra piercings in your ears.)

Earrings are the accessories that get the most attention when I am out for a night on the town.

Most popular are my hot dog earrings, or as I like to call them, “My big wieners.” Everyone just loves my big wieners. They have been fondled, caressed and yes, even sucked on. Honestly, I would never put anything dangling from the earlobes of a drag

36

earrings in the craft corner of my drag dungeon.

One time while driving across the state of Wyoming, we pulled into a truck stop. Mr. Waste bet me that I could not find a pair of earrings in that butch, diesel-fumed store. I came out with a couple of wooden mousetraps. A few rhinestones and one rubber mouse later, and I had a set of earrings that not only looks fabulous, but also keeps my wig rodent free.

Another good source for fabulous and crazy earrings is Christmas ornaments. I get up extra early the day after Christmas to hit those 50-percent-off sales to adorn my lobes with big glittery balls.

So they next time you need to adorn your fabulous self with bangles that dangle, always remember: the bigger it hangs, the better.

Nuclia Waste, the triple-nipple drag queen of comedy, is Out Front’s radioactive cultural columnist. See more columns at ofcnow.co/ nuclia or contact her through her website at NucliaWaste.com.

W H AT ’ S I N Y O U R C LO S E T ?

| MARCH 19, 2014 | THE COMEDY ISSUE | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

G ot a favorite unconventional fashi o n ti p?

Leave us a comm ent online: ofc now.co /da ngle

Family Centered Medicine

Serving the GLBT community for over 15 years Primary Healthcare

Peter Prutch, NP.C, PhD

HIV/AIDS Health care & prevention

2121 S Oneida St Ste 248 Denver CO 80224 • (303) 504-0600 familycenteredmedicine.com

Get to know us better outfrontonline.com

@OutFrontCO

/OutFrontColorado

ofcnow.co/outbox

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| MARCH 19, 2014 | 37

ON THE SCENE

Freedom to Marry Rally State Capitol // March 3 photos by Charles Broshous A “Freedom to Marry” rally was held on the west steps of the State Capitol on March 3. The joint venture between One Colorado, Freedom to Marry and the American Civil Liberties Union was aimed at building support for same-sex marriages across Colorado. The groups are looking to repeal marriage discrimination in the state’s constitution and win the freedom to marry for all committed couples in the state.

See more photos online at ofcnow.co/g00

38

| MARCH 19, 2014 | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

ON THE SCENE

First Friday Anniversary Tracks/EXDO // March 7 photos by Charles Broshous Dede Frain and Babes Around Denver celebrated the 11th anniversary of First Friday at Tracks and the EXDO Event Center on March 7. The event has evolved from a small happy hour to the largest and longest running monthly women’s party in the United States. Over 172,000 guests have attended over the years. This month’s theme was “Mustache Madness” and featured performances by Denver Dance and the musical stylings of DJs Shannon, Markie, Tatiana and Blaque Gurl.

See more photos online at ofcnow.co/8lu

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| MARCH 19, 2014 | 39

CREATE

goth rhapsody

BY ADAM

darkness consumes my flesh eating me like worms with tears i cry my soul is a black cat’s anus a whorl of pink in a backdrop of night this university will never recognize my true talent but academic probation can never stop me i sleep my slumber i bleed my blood i go to class where i fall asleep this is the end but tomorrow is mine it’s not the end of the end i’m the last one standing

Gone

BY ANNE SCARLETT

Twilight.

Dusty like the desert wind The night owl sings its Big Gray Face

An old mother wrings her hands Arthritic and dusty Cracked like the parched earth Weary Anxious Sensual A newborn suckles her mother’s bosom Quiet and gurgling Eyes closed against those Big Nice Breasts Visiting hours are over.

Can I ever forgive myself?

Hey diddle diddle, the moon is a fiddle The cows are gone The cows are gone The cows are gone.

Gone.

Anne Scarlett is one of the most esteemed lesbian poets in the Rocky Mountain Region of the North American International Femme Rocket Women’s Motorcycle Club. She is recently out on parole for a murder she committed in the library with a candlestick.

40

| MARCH 19, 2014 | THE COMEDY ISSUE | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

G N I R A E W E R ’ E W T A WH FASHION

NICK GARCIA

ROB BARGER

SEEN @ INDUSTRIAL DENVER

SEEN @ THE GOTHAM-EST PART OF TOWN

ONESIES

W H AT I N S P I R E S Y O U R S T Y L E ?

Comfort and red accents.

W H AT ’ S Y O U R F A V O R I T E P I E C E O F C L O T H I N G ?

H O W D O Y O U A P P R O A C H T H E Q U E S T I O N , “ W H AT TO W E A R ? ” “I like my onesie because I can be a badass superhero and still be comfortable.”

This. [Points to onesie.]

PHOTOS BY MATT PIZZUTI OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| THE COMEDY ISSUE | MARCH 19, 2014 | 41

EXPERTS

ver Thanks, universe! Learn to disco your psychic abilities

Tips in learning to feel energy and see auras and other mysteries

S

keptics will say that psychic abilities have no basis in science, but there are many things in life with no clear scientific explanation — like humor, love, trickle-down economics, sightings of ghosts and farts. They can’t be explained! The truth is, everyone has a potential to tap in to a wider consciousness. Here’s how.

1) Stare at the sun to see its aura When you look at the sun or a bright light in a very thoughtful, meditative way, a big green or purple dot will become visible right where the disc of the sun is. This is your inner eye seeing the sun’s aura which is telling you to stop hurting your eyes.

2) Go raw When you cook food using fire, you actually kill the food’s spirit which prevents it from joining your spirit. Eat vegetables and meat raw — or preferably, alive — to gain the psychic abilities that all cucumbers, chickens and cows are born with naturally.

3) Burn incense — or popcorn!

If cooking food kills spirits, use that wisdom

to drive evil spirits away naturally by burning incense or leaving your qwik-pop in the office microwave until it smokes. If your coworkers have evil spirits in them, they will reveal themselves by making negative comments about you for burning popcorn every day.

4) Use technology One of the ways you can find out what somebody is thinking without talking to them or even being in the same room is by reading their text messages to your iPhone.

5) Be loud and proud At one point in my life I really needed to go to a hospital, but I didn’t know where one was, so I manifested it. Using a little marijuana and alcohol, I knocked over a bunch of clothes racks at Kohls, fainted, and woke up in the very place I had envisioned. The universe works in mysterious ways! ¢ Miss Terry lives in the apartment building next to the Safeway. She first discovered her psychic abilities at age 4 when she predicted she was about to be bitten by a stray cat she was trying to catch, and it came true. Eight of her current cats are also psychic.

HOT EVENTS

BREAKING

NEWS

BAR SPECIALS EXCLUSIVE

CONTENT 42

| MARCH 19, 2014 | THE COMEDY ISSUE | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

IS OUT FRONT’S NEWS & EVENTS UPDATE FOR LGBT COLORADO. E-MAILED EVERY WEDNESDAY. SUBSCRIBE FOR FREE AT OFCNOW.CO/ OUTBOX

PH OTO : VJ ERA N LI SJAK

By Miss Terry

BEAUTY

Twinsies trouble

UR FURRY O Y H IT W K O LO G IN H C T AR MA CREATE A WOOF-TACUL

By Kelsey Lindsey

Y

ou’ve invested in matching outfits, share the same bed, and carry them around in self-made puppy Bjorn. Now it’s time to commit, to make the ultimate display of devotion to your furry companion: transforming your grooming routine to achieve corresponding owner-animal looks.

From the simple bulldog to the elaborate poodle, below are some grooming techniques that can be adapted to show the upmost loyalty to your furry (or feathered) significant other.

Poodle: If you’re blessed with naturally curly hair, you’re halfway to matching owner/pet bliss.

Not so fortunate? Looks like a curly perm is in your future. Remember, tighter is better when adapting this fro-ed out hairdo, and any frizz is more than welcomed to imitate your poodle’s curl.

Finish the do with clips, bows, and ribbons, both in your pet’s mane and yours, to fully round out the matching looks.

Afghan Hound: For this style, it’s all about locks fit for lounging poolside or strutting around high-end fashion districts across the world. We’re looking for sleek and glossy here, with the help of a blow dryer and enough keratin treatment to slick up the

FRIEND

huskiest of swimsuit models. Don’t forget the most important accessory to fully complete your Afghan hound intimidation: an upturned nose and holierthan-tho attitude that can make even the queen of England feel like an inferior, acne-ridden schoolgirl.

Rooster: Now that backyard farming has the a-ok in Denver, I know one of you out there is nurturing a male fowl in the rooster pen outside.

Imitate your big bird on the block with your own mate-attracting tail feathers. A tall mohawk, striking black boa, or feathered headpiece all will do the trick, as long as it gets the message across: “I’m large, in charge, and not afraid to show off the big cock at my house."

English Bulldog: This look is more about corresponding style than an actual physical reproduction.

Scour the contents of your grandfather’s wardrobe and medicine cabinet, pulling anything and everything with the faint odor of mothballs, hair oil, and hard peppermints. Facial hair is a must for this distinguished look, which can include a Santa beard or a curled-cornered mustache. Top the outfit with a tweed jacket, hunting cap, or walking cane — preferably all three — and you and your distinguished walking companion will thoroughly charm your way through the daily chip-cheerios and how-you-dos. ¢

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| THE COMEDY ISSUE | MARCH 19, 2014 | 43

METROPOLITAN

The March Madness Home Makeover

DISCLAIMER: The follow may not be a paid adverting may or isement from Bizarro, Inc.

S

pring has sprung! Time to break out the cleaning supplies and chase the winter doldrums right outta that dusty ol’ depression den… but why stop there? We at Out Front want to summon you toward the light Carol Anne with a March Madness Home Makeover, courtesy of Bizarro, Inc. Let’s begin.

Pick a magic number from two through five. Got it? Great! Now count each of the category items, eliminating the one that falls on your magic number. Keep repeating this step until there’s only one item in each category. The remains will signify the treatments your new home wills itself through this pagan ritual of a guide, your uncanny ability to think of small numbers and (most importantly) through the divine order of the unholy powers-that-be at Bizarro, Inc. WALLING • Papier mâché • 16 million termites holding hands • Mega Bloks (the generic Lego) • Ground bone and teeth from medical waste FLOORING • Recycled tires • Dog hair • Lava • Human skin-rugs FURNITURE • Soiled futons from a burneddown punk venue • Repurposed wicker sex swings • Curiously warm stools from the nuclear plant • Giant beanbags filled with beef tripe BEDDING • Pube-woven afghans • Smallpox-infested throw blanket • Cigarette butts forced into a loom • Shredded, nested dollar-store ponchos LAKEWOOD Lakewood UCC www.lakewooducc.com LONGMONT First Congregational UCC www.ucclongmont.org PARKER Parker UCC www.parkerucc.org WHEAT RIDGE The Wheatridge Congregation of the UCC www.wheatridgeucc.org

To locate an Open and Affirming church near you, go to: ofcnow.co/ucc

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| MARCH 19, 2014 | THE COMEDY ISSUE | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

WINDOW TREATMENTS • Halloween spiderwebs • Newspaper clippings of unsolved mysteries • Panicked breath of 83 cats trying to get out • Hordes of flies that appear during the witching hour ROOM DECOR • 3,992 full-to-bursting fly traps • Failed taxidermy experiments • Faux-Warhol • Warhol’s actual remains DISCLAIMER: Proceed with caution. Use of Bizarro, Inc. advice may result in hair loss, facial cellulite, a hunched back, wildebeest cough, softening teeth and an endless nocturnal loop of the Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling.” Void where prohibited.

AUTO

? h s li y t s r o l a ic m o n o c E

By Jon

Little Tikes Cozy Coupe vs .

Power Wheels ECO Escala de

T

hey’re age-old questions: style or function?

Cheap or luxurious? Practical or glamorous? To get to the bottom of this we took a stroll down to the local Toys’R’Us. Toddlers everywhere are trying to decide the right path — is it the one of humble beginnings or the Rockstar life of luxury?

In the market there are really two main options: Power Wheels Cadillac Hybrid Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Escalade Custom Edition 30th Anniversary Edition and Power Wheels Cadillac Hybrid a vehicle that can be handed down Escalade Custom Edition. One is very from generation to generation. down-to-earth and completely ecoSometimes practical just won’t friendly. The other sets your toddler cut it; you have heard of the silver up for the big time with expectations spoon, haven’t you? For those toddler of stardom and big paychecks. divas only a Power Wheels Cadillac The Little Tikes Cozy Coupe has Hybrid Escalade Custom Edition will been around for a few decades, do. The Hybrid Escalade features a which is why the 30th anniversary 12-volt electrical system powering of the Cozy Coupe is so special. A an electric motor drivetrain. The modest one-seater coupe, the Cozy Escalade is powerful with both 2.5 Coupe is durable, cute and ultimately and 5 mph operating speeds plus serviceable with foot power and reverse. And, as you would expect, push power. Yes, the Cozy Coupe the Escalade has working doors, has features you can’t find in other tinted windows, a real FM stereo vehicles like a removable floor allow- with sound-boosting rear speakers, ing for your toddler to glide across flashy chrome wheels and seating the back patio with sustainable and capacity for your toddler and their environmentally friendly foot power. BFF. For the smaller toddlers out there, The Hybrid Escalade has the there is a well place handle at the added benefit of being on the green back of the top that gives parents curve with complete electric operathe ability to push the Cozy Coupe tion. So not only can your toddler around. ride around in style, but they will The best part of the Cozy Coupe have the value and importance of is the maintenance-free operation. hybrid and electric vehicle instilled Plastic construction, foot or push in them from a very young age. power operation and no electronics What are these two vehicles make the Cozy Coupe durable and going to run you? The Little Tikes Cozy Coupe 30th Anniversary Edition will set you back somewhere around $55, which is truly a bargain. The Power Wheels Hybrid Escalade Custom Edition is a different story tipping the scales at just over $550.

Maybe the way we grow really is a matter of nature versus nurture. An Escalade with One Direction cranked up anyone?

Little Tikes Cozy Coupe

Jon is obsessed with all things cars and trucks, in addition to being the most advanced technical writer in his Montessori.

ke!

No jo

seeks a rockstar ADM I N I ST RAT I VE ASSISTANT 15-20 hours per week $10 per hour For more information, visit: ofcnow.co/0314 No phone calls, please.

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| THE COMEDY ISSUE | MARCH 19, 2014 | 45

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MEDIA STREAM

e l t t a b y n a Bot The secret wars between the plants we love The battle is a subtle one, as the plants never actually end up interacting, but a keen eye will notice the slow methodical growth of the fern as a warning sign of a psychopathic T-Rex, daring any other plant to grow as well as he did.

The brave morning glory responds with beautiful “calling the fern a wimp” firework-display-like unfurling of its petals. Oooh boy, looks like there’s gonna be a turf war at this point. Fighting words have been thrown, and forces of good and evil are brewing up a major storm.

This film comes highly recommended for anyone who has a talent for seeing stories where there aren’t any — schizophrenics, people high on drugs, 3 year-olds. Otherwise, it’s a great movie to watch when doing some reading or cleaning your living room. I won’t give away the ending, because I’m still not 100% sure there is one, but I can tell you that the tone is quite somber. Damn you, evolution.

By Your Crazy Plant-Obsessed High School Science Teacher One of the deepest, most moving films of the year has recently become available on Netflix. The powerful series Moving Art released its grandest masterpiece Moving Art: Flowers It’s tempting to take sides with every flower in this movie (especially since there’s no dialogue), but the clear protagonist is the morning glory montage seen about 2/3 of the way through. The antagonist? A fern. An evil fern.

You may be tempted to watch this movie and be enraptured by the beauty of time lapse photography of flowers growing set to pretty classical music, but don’t be! This movie is a story of the timeless struggle between an up and coming youthful flower and an ancient monstrous fern who has been imbued with the spirit of a T-rex bent on world domination.

The fern is at a clear advantage, having spent most of evolution staying the same. Go with what works, right? Plus, T-Rexes are one of the most badass dinosaurs to ever exist and their reincarnated souls are some of the most ferocious — just ask my grandma whom I’ve been certain is a reincarnated T-rex since I was 3.

Well, don’t count the morning glory out just

yet. This fighter may have had to evolve later in history, but it evolved stronger and more mysteriously (the classification of morning glory families are constantly in flux.) Plus, it evolved to be on the human side of the great human vs. dinosaur war and has been used for its laxative and hallucinogenic properties for centuries.

Your Crazy Plant-Obsessed High School Science Teacher is still working at your old high school.

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48

| MARCH 19, 2014 | THE COMEDY ISSUE | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

BACK IN THE DAY You may be thinking to yourself, “This issue is so f*cking fantastic! Why hasn’t Out Front done this before?!” Well, settle down — we totally have. Back in the days when we as homosexuals could playfully call each other fruits under the guise of comedyand get away with it. Don’t worry though, we had plenty of solid material to back it up —be sure to invest in rubber checks so you can make all the “bouncing” puns your heart desires. Anyway, we hope you enjoy all of our comedy issues as much as we enjoyed writing them. ¢

fro Apri m the issuel 1, 1992 of Fron Out t

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| THE COMEDY ISSUE | MARCH 19, 2014 | 49

BITS & BOBS

Queer Cocktails:

I N T H E M AIL RagingStallion.com Open Road 2014 Calendar here are very few photos we could publish from this 2014 calendar Out Front received in the mail, courtesy of ragingstallion.com. An ode to the American Heartland, these rough and rugged guys hanging out in barns and dive bars bare/bear it all where they can now hang on your wall. This particular calendar now finds itself on one of our marketing executives’ desks, open to the page for “June,” where it will have to remain since that’s the only PG-13 image in the book.

T

VOFABULARY

sneagle (SNEE•gul) n. When you go with your friends to Tracks but sneak over to the Eagle by yourself.

The Lacy Nine Inch Nail

By Ashley Trego

N

othing short of f*cking fabulous, the Lacy Nine will tickle your taste buds and tell you that, yes bitch, those pants do make your ass look fat. This pretty little puppy is just as sweet as can be but don’t be fooled because the minute you’re not looking she will sneak up on you and make you wanna take of your clothes and make out with strangers. The glass from which you enjoy this saucy little minx of a cocktail is up to you. Just be sure that you look fabulous holding it and if it happens to match your outfit, all the better. Here’s what you need: • One pour Three Olives Fruit Loop Flavored vodka • 1 half pour each of Smirnoff Fluffed Marshmallow & Whipped Cream vodkas

sweet & fabulous

Add a splash of red cream soda and serve over ice. Here's to all nine inches! Cheers!

PRIDE PARADE / WALK OF SHAME

In Out Front’s Pride Parade versus Walk of Shame, we analyze the big shakers across the globe and highlight whether they’ve done something positive or negative for the gay community and give them a shout out.

Arizona State Sen. Steve Gallardo said that the controversy over Arizona’s anti-gay bill — vetoed last month by Gov. Jan Brewer — is what inspired him to come out as gay this month.

Djuan Keila, who was Miss Kentucky in 2010, came out this month at age 27 as queer.

A year after signing civil unions into law, Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper endorsed full marriage equality.

Out NBA player Jason Collins got a second 10-day contract — and a standing ovation at his first home game.

50

| MARCH 19, 2014 | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

Adam Lambert is taking the lead role in Queen’s North American tour this year — with some big shoes to fill.

With marriage equality on the rise in Illinois, Chicago’s Loyola University announced a new policy banning same-sex weddings (and any non– Church-sanctioned unions) on campus.

Washington R*dskins quarterback Kirk Cousins told a group of high school students he would accept a gay teammate in the locker room because “a lot of teammates… have sins too.” Thanks?

OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

| MARCH 19, 2014 | 51

Cacti make for poor choice as sex toys

SEXUALITY

Quiz:

a sitcom r e s 0 9 a e from y?

Which quot marizes your sexualit um character s

By Düsseldorf Sylvestre

F

or this installment I traveled to MIT to confer with leading talents in the fields of statistics, probability and culturally technological stuff-and-such to bring you the most informative and foolproof questionnaire that the world has ever scoffed at. Based on arbitrary information, I’ll tap into the deepest recesses of your sexual self to reveal a side of you that hasn’t been seen since last century. I hope you’re ready for a dizzying new height of self-reflection, buddy, ‘cause here it comes.

Pick a WalMart Fragrance • Lady Stetson (23 pts) • Coty Musk (9 pts) • Drakkar Noir (0 pts) • Vanilla Fields (1 pt) Select a fine European Dog • Borzoi (4 pts) • Affenpinscher (13 pts) • Wirehaired Viszla (0 pts) • Bishon Frise (22 pts) Choose a Breakfast Sandwich • Egg and Cheese on Wheat (3 pts) • Turkey Sausage on Rye (1 pt) • Poached Egg in an English Muffin (16 pts) • Fried Egg on a Cinnamon-Raisin Biscuit (9 pts) Select a Typeface • Garamond (3 pts) • Proxima Nova (24 pts) • Franklin Gothic (11 pts) • Futura Bold (31.7 pts) 1 - 23 pts: “OK, HI. I’M WEARING LIPGLOSS. DO I LOOK HOMELESS TO YOU?” - Paige Matthews, played by Rose McGowan in the WB’s “Charmed.”

Even though you’re sexually amazing, you could use a bit of work in the emotionally developed department. Most people aren’t cool with the constant sarcasm, but once you send the guards at your gate away, your cautious admirers are in for some of the most explosive, dangerous, creative sex that’s still legal.

24 - 39 pts: “LOOKS LIKE BUDNICK HAS A CRUSH ON DINA.” - Eddie “Donkey Lips” Gelfen, played by Michael Bower of Nickelodeon’s “Salute Your Shorts.”

You know what’s so great about you sexually? That you’re so frickin’ secure in landing a hot date that you devote more time than most making sure others land one, too. Not only are you the chillest friend with benefits, you go out of your way to make sure your beneficiaries are benefitting from one another — often when you’re still in the room, you sly dog. For this and so much more, you keep ‘em coming back.

40 - 76.7 pts: “I’M SORRY, DAD, BUT IT REALLY WASN’T THAT BAD. YOU PROBABLY CAN’T UNDERSTAND THIS, BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF FUN.” - Alex Mack, played by Larisa Oleynik in Nickelodeon’s “The Secret World of Alex Mack.”

What a rebel you are. When you were younger, you’d slip out the window on school nights to get naughty with the hottie who just moved to town. Now, you make eyes with anyone who seems up for a good time: store clerks, bank tellers, even your best friend’s lover! (Is there anything sacred anymore?) That white-hot vigor of yours is trademark and really gives us the boost in self-esteem (and sexual relief) we’ve come to love. The (under)world is a better place with you in it.

76.8 - 1772 pts: “I’M GOING TO TUCK YOU IN...

VERY TIGHT.” - D.J. Tanner, played by Candace Cameron in ABC’s “Full House.”

No one has the faintest idea what an absolute freak you are in the sack. Curious!

Your casual friends and co-workers could never guess that beneath that conservative attire lies a sexual fury that is every bit as exhilarating to your lovers as it is sensually overwhelming. Once you’ve had your way, you’re the mainstay in their sexual fantasies for the rest of their days. No one will ever, ever live up to you and we love how you know it. 

Dear Shanna, I’m looking for some new toys, but since almost anything can be interesting I’d rather ask what *wouldn’t* work? I am wondering, could you list five or six things I really don’t want to try using as a sex toy and why?

Willing to Try Anything, Fort Collins

PERT ASK THE SEX gz og D na an Sh

Dear “Willing to Try Anything,” A good question, and one I get asked quite frequently. Here are some of the things that I would suggest avoiding as sex toys.

CACTI: While these plants can appear adorable, they are actually anything but (and don’t belong in your butt either!). The thorns are impossible to sterilize, making them a less than ideal item for sexual play.

AUTOMOTIVE LUBRICANT: I frequently speak to how important lubricant is to a positive sexual experience. However, while there is in fact the word “lubricant” in this product, it doesn’t actually mean the same thing as sexual lube. In addition to just being kind of gross, it contains many chemicals and additives that you just won’t find in a good quality bottle of Sliquid or Pjur. Stay away!

AN ELECTRIC FENCE: While books like 50 Shades of Grey and Laura Antoniou’s Marketplace Series have introduced many to the world of kink, the electric play discussed and enacted in this community is done in a risk-aware and well-discussed manner. As tempting as it may be to throw yourself or a partner at an electric fence as part of a play scene, it also might kill you/them, thereby ending your evening together. Maybe consider investing in a violet wand instead?

BOWLING BALLS: They are round, smooth and often shiny, which for some people equals a sex toy. However, these sports accessories are not the best design for use inside the body. While the vagina can birth a child, the average bowling ball is significantly bigger than the head of a newborn, and the lack of any sort of flanged base means that this type of sphere is absolutely not safe for use in the ass. Purchasing a butt plug that is designed specifically for anal use may save you a trip to the emergency room.

Best wishes in only choosing body safe items on your sex toy adventure!

Shanna Shanna Doggz, M.Ed, ACS is a board-certified sexologist, sexuality educator and author. To find out more about what Shanna has seen and heard in her career as a sexologist, Google “Rule 34.”

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| MARCH 19, 2014 | THE COMEDY ISSUE | OUTFRONTONLINE.COM

t i r e v o t e Games are fun and everybody likes th Dude, g em Dear Bent, I don’t understand the games that so many gay men seem to play. I want to meet some interesting guys for an occasional date or sex, but it is really difficult. So many of them want to chat endlessly online and if you can actually get them to commit to meeting, most of the time they don’t follow through or disappear completely without explanation. I’m getting really frustrated with the state of our scene and wonder why I keep trying to make it work.

S

ome people feel that our gay culture is plagued with people playing games. We might not understand the rules and often find the game difficult to play and seemingly more impossible to win. Running after people to connect with them emotionally, intellectually, or physically is at the core of why we keep trying. The thrill of the chase may only prove successful 5 percent of the time, but that’s what makes it so damn sweet when it does.

Think about any situation where the payoff doesn’t happen every time. Would gambling be as exciting if you won $1,000 each time you pulled the slot machine handle? Of course not! It is so much more fulfilling when you win after pulling the lever hundreds of times and investing a big

wad of money before you get that and have unrealistic expectations. amazing sound of falling coins. The It may be time to re-evaluate how desperation and frustration you feel important you think you are and how after so many times of trying and valuable your time is. trying to make something happen One final thought on the topic. You can be alleviated by just one success. may want to consider that it is usually It doesn’t matter how long it takes more fulfilling not to meet in person or how much time or finances you anyway. So many times people are invest. As long as you can get an ocmuch more interesting online than casional success, it is totally worth it. they could ever hope to be in person.

There are so many other people If they don’t know the answer to a SIGHTHEINZE out there that must ascribe to this question, they can look it up. If they Bent Hinde philosophy. They make us work don’t like themselves, they can work on hard to meet up. That sweet, sweet payoff is so adopting a persona that incorporates the charm of much more fulfilling because we don’t get what Channing Tatum, the wit of John Stewart, and the we want all the time. They are helping us build filthy talk of Titan porn star Dirk Caber. Trust me, up that desire to give us that huge release when fiction is most times so much better than factual reality, especially with people in our community. we finally get in front of that person. It’s what makes these exchanges exciting and worthwhile.

Bend Hinde is a gay second-year psychology Be cautious of complaining that things don’t major at the community college who for some happen on your timeframe. We can’t always get reason was given a relationship advice column. what we want as soon as we want it. Connecting He prides himself on his physical fitness, his arwith others isn’t like going to a fast-food restaurant. tistic skills, and his adorable dashund Kiva. A lot Your impatience with these situations and feelings of the boys he dated in the past were douchebags of entitlement that people need to fulfill your every who didn’t understand what a great catch he is desire can be considered truly undesirable traits but at age 23 he’s not getting any younger and that may be one of the primary reasons why people is ready to meet the one. He has a relationship may not want to follow through with you. People advice column. generally don’t like those who are self-centered

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