Melanistic Magazine - Vol. 10

IN THE WINDOW OF REJECTION

COPING WITH AND SUPPORTING MEN DURING MARITAL BREAKDOWN

By RASHEAL CHARLES

The pain of rejection is no easy feat for a man, even more so for a man that has lived his life in a world that views him as having tendencies to not be successful, or highlights stereotypes as norms; this is the disadvantage of racialized groups. The Black man that has experienced marital challenges causing separation from his life partner and from his children, and placed him in a tumultuous situation, finds himself in the middle of the window of rejection. This ‘window’ is oneway; where he looks in and others are challenged to see out.

As a Mental Health Therapist, only few Black men have embraced the support that can be offered through psychotherapy. Some would argue that it is the inability to access support, or the stigma that mental health carries, or even the lack of understanding that these feelings of rejection can be tied to poor mental health or emotional disruptions that require intervention. Nancy Boyd-Franklin in her book, Black Families in Therapy (2013) makes a strong correlation between the roles that Black men and women take in the family unit. She highlights to the reader that different obstacles are related to a changed sense of identity. One of the chapters explores the concept of the “head of the household” identity and how losing that may or may not produce role confusion due to the new family dynamic (p. 112).

Power differentials associated with caregiving are most often given to the women. Society still reinforces the “mother’s love” narrative, leaning towards maternal care over paternal. As family dynamics deteriorate, men contend with this equation (essentially viewed as less than); access and influence to their family is eroded, shaking and redefining the ‘head of household’ identity. In the book, “Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man” (2020) the author details that a common emotion of anger can and should be dubbed for grief. Isn’t that revelatory? Our men experience grief due to this separation; a nuance that is not widely accepted. We must be aware of this new position in the window - one filled with sadness, not blame. Men ride the weight of the loss and the isolation that follows, compounded by feelings of depression. Our Black men in particular often carry all of these emotions alone but are still expected to perform and provide, while his vantage point feels hopeless.

The journey forward is daunting, while attempting to remain connected, relevant and supportive. While it is easy to move to the common default of fault finding initially, the shift is accompanied by emotions of ambivalence and a lack of confidence as men strive to regain balance. Too often, Black men are left tackling the emotional remnants without support and education. Resources such as positive selfregard, supportive family/ friends, a faith community or community of support is necessary for effective problem solving and decision making during times of personal family crisis.

Let’s not look through the lens of scrutiny; rather, let us engage empathy and encouragement. Our Black men are strong and resilient and have to be courageous in this window of rejection in order to overcome.

References:

Acho, E. (2020). Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man. United States: Flatiron Books.

Boyd-Franklin, N. (2003). Black families in therapy : understanding the African American experience. New York: Guilford Publications.