Melanistic Magazine - Vol. 10

Keep ‘em Talking

By: Oluyinka Marcus

As a woman of African descent, a professional counseling psychotherapist and a mother of two adult children, I have found that most children did not experience open conversations with their parents, especially around the topic of ‘sexuality.’ Sexuality is simply described as the ways in which people experience sexual feelings; that is, all human beings have that capacity for that experience. According to research, there is no specific age too early to discuss sexuality. When children watch movies or TV ads with sexual and relationship content, they may require clarification. When children ask, they deserve to know. Responses however must be tailored to their level of understanding. Maintaining regular conversations from a young age will help children better understand healthy sexuality as they grow older. Conversations around sexuality with children can be awkward at first, but it needs to be viewed as a normal practice.

When speaking about sexuality, there is a tendency to project our feelings of ‘embarrassment’, triggering us to use euphemisms (using words like ‘private parts’ to replace words like vagina and penis). Some experts believe in using the real names from the get-go, however, parents can start where they are most comfortable. Age appropriateness in these conversations will be quite crucial. For instance, responding to the question about where babies come from will contain less detail to a five-year-old than to a ten-yearold. The conversations should start as soon as the child begins to differentiate genders. This is usually at about the age of three. From this age, children need to learn to name these ‘private parts’ and not leave things ambiguous. An important part of this process is to teach children how to respect their ‘private parts,’ and other children’s.

“When children ask, they deserve to know.”

The idea of ‘seize-the-moment short talks’ helps eliminate the embarrassment and allows normalcy to build around the topic. For instance, when relationship content appears in an advertisement or show, ask open ended questions such as ‘what do you know about that?’ or, ‘what do you think about that?’. The ‘sit down-let’s-talk’ style of conversations are always impactful, but can become too formal creating suspicion and discomfort. When they ask questions about sexuality, ask, ‘what do you already know about that’? or ‘what have you heard about it?’ or ‘what does your friend say about it?’. When they start learning about human bodies in school, ask ‘what did you learn in school about it today?’ or ‘what do you understand,’ ‘what are your thoughts about it?’. When they are older, they will be open to discussing dating, crushes and ‘going out.’

The important aspects of this process include:

• Do not bombard them with questions

• Don’t shut down conversations

• Avoid any shaming or judging

• Do not belittle their understanding

• Avoid giving a whole ‘lecture’.

Allow them to talk, just listen, and fill in the gaps for them. Keep discussions short and precise. This will strengthen your relationship with your children as you continue to build trust. When children can trust you, they will be free to ask questions about sexuality and relationships. These regular short talks enhance openness and freedom of self-expression.

When you already have challenging relationships with your child and they are not open with you, how do we repair? It is rewarding to have those hard conversations. I work with parents and their children on repairing the relationship by helping parents to ask the right questions and to apply good listening skills. Whether or not you think you did the right thing raising your child, you need to be willing to listen and apologize (or ask for forgiveness) when the child expresses the hurt you caused them. During this process, the parent needs to keep in mind that this is about their child becoming better in healthy self-expressions, it’s not about being right as a parent. You did what you knew best to do and it is not about shame. Humility and deep compassion are great assets for great repair and sustenance of healthier relationships.

The active listening ear is needed when you decide to have the hard open conversation. And you will try hard not to judge, criticize, or give advice. Starting a conversation with their perception of love will be a great way to get them to talk. Then, ask, what does it mean to feel loved? Another question to ask your child is; ‘what happens when you don’t feel loved? Once they are done talking, ask for examples. If they don’t give examples from your relationship with them, give them some examples of when they might have been hurt by some things you did. Talk about it with them without justifying your action, reactions or your words. Then, apologize or ask them to forgive you. Hold them in a hug.