Melanistic Magazine - Vol. 10

CONVERSATIONS WITH MATRIARCHS

What Mamma Never Told Me

With Taneya Rogers

In many Black households children are kept sheltered from in depth conversations around marriage, sex and relationships. We tend to experience the relationships of our parents as ‘outsiders’ looking in, absent of any context as to how the dynamics of those relationships came to be, the process of building an even semi-functional home and without direct conversations that may offer learnings. Our exposure to these conversations relies heavily on our parents’ appetite for openness and our cultural and religious backgrounds. Particularly among younger women in new relationships and with growing families, we’ve heard the phrase “I wish my mother told me ‘this’”.

The Brew and Bloom Cafe provided the perfect backdrop for our conversation with four beautiful ebony matriarchs. With delicate flowers cascading overhead, and delectable deserts on hand, these powerhouses took time to reflect on their younger selves and speak on matters of love, relationships, personal evolutions and “Particularly among younger women in new relationships and with growing families, we’ve heard the phrase “I wish my mother told me ‘this’”.

**From left to right: Dr. Zita Williams, Ms. Wanda Akili, Dr. Beatrice Ghettuba and Dr. Martella Montague the things that ‘mamma never told them’ making lived experiences their tutor.**
Images Courtesy of NiLo

At the table were, Dr. Martella Montague, our Jamaican Empress, exuding as much royalty as the title suggests; Ms Wanda Akili, a descendant of Alberta’s first Black settlers and a soft-spoken yet passionate speaker, author and dedicated educator. Dr. Beatrice Ghettuba whose words of self determination are drizzled in a soothing, melodic Kenyan accent and finally, Dr. Zita Williams, or ‘Mamma Zita’ to her inner circle, whose gentle yet commanding spirit seemed to set the pace for the engaging discourse.

The ladies were asked to reflect on the conversations with their own mothers that they had around sex, relationships and coming of age. The question immediately spurred giggles and agreement, Mamma Zita condensed her coming of age lesson: “Once I got my first period, my mother warned me not to ‘interfere’ with those boys”. Dr Martella also recounted an equally abrupt lesson but adds “In Jamaica they taught us about the ‘birds and the bees’ as far as biology, however they never taught us exactly how babies came’. This gap in learning had an impact; she became a mother at only 15 years, confused as to ‘what’ caused it.

Dr Beatrice acknowledged “While my mother was quite liberal about many things, culturally there were things that we simply did not speak about…. I knew a lot of things but I was not prepared for marriage”. She, too, found herself a mother ahead of time. Ms Wanda who echoed the sentiment of the group found protection as it were in her very small community, “We were all ‘cousins’ so the opportunity for sex or dating simply was not there”. Her lessons from her mother came indirectly - seeing her mother struggle with multiple children, she simply decided that this would not be her fate.

“While my mother was quite liberal about many things, culturally there were things that we simply did not speak about.”

They each noted that specific conversations with their eventual husbands around expectations for marriage, intimacy or roles within the home never took place. That said, the theme of education among the four was particularly strong. Driven either by the matriarchs in their lives or by their own desire to escape the limitations of their living situation, the pursuit of higher education is shared. While it was not a trait that they deliberately contemplated when choosing husbands, two of our panelists acknowledged that the support of their partners was critical in their ability to move further in their education. Specifically, their partner’s willingness to cover the ‘traditional’ duties of childcare and keeping the home, permitted them the time needed to concentrate on their studies. Dr Beatrice expounds on her relationship, “I studied, worked and traveled and would leave the children with him (her husband). As much as our life was very dysfunctional, he really was there; in our generation we needed to prove that we didn’t need to be given leeway because we were women”. Perhaps an accidental learning but one to be deliberately passed on to our future daughters as they seek life partners. As a counterbalance to this circumstantial learning, Wanda Akili noted that the matriarchs in her life reinforced that she did not ‘need’ a man. This messaging coupled with the memories of her mother struggling with multiple children with little support, Akili found her drive independently, “I was brought up and had my degree, I had a good job, I had traveled and had money in my pocket before I met my husband; so his contribution to my growth was none”.

“In our generation we needed to prove that we didn’t need to be given leeway because we were women.”

This open conversation with these four matriarchs took bravery; acknowledging where their mothers / parents could have done better to prepare them for the role of a wife/partner, but also accepting that relationships generally demand on-the-job learning. Merging two lives, with differing experiences and beliefs is no easy task. What we do honor however is growth and evolution; each generation ought to be a better reflection of the last. For this quartet, their parenting styles were adjusted to be more transparent than what they experienced in the hopes that their own children would not repeat similar mistakes and enter partnerships more self assured and aware.

Thanks to Brew and Bloom Insta: @brewandbloom

Melanistic Magazine - Vol. 10

Next Article