January 2012
2
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
READING RESOURCES AVAILABLE AT BOOK RETAILERS ALSO ONLINE AT BARNESANDNOBLE.COM
ASCAR Centers International Inc.
Our research reveals the need for more recovery resources for adults living the aftermath of childhood trauma. OUTSPOKEN Magazine is proud to speak for and to abuse survivors, and inspired to make a difference on behalf of this neglected segment of society. Our calling bids us to step forward and lobby for more reclamation services specific to adults who have been traumatized by childhood neglect and abuse.
ASCAR Support Group SETX area.
We meet regularly in a nurturing environment to examine the circumstances that caused our shame or denial, allowing each individual to reclaim control over his or her own life. Our meetings are closed to protect the safety and privacy of attendees. To attend a meeting, you must be a self identified adult survivor of child abuse and pre register. Relatives and friends of survivors are not permitted to attend meetings unless they also are survivors of child abuse. The following are details of the next meeting in the South East Texas Area.
SUBSCRIBE NOW
Date: Visit our Website Time: 6:15 PM Location: Howell Furniture Store Community Room Address: 6095 Folsom Road Beaumont, TX 77706 Contact: 713.445.6880/409.422.9135 or email walexander@outspokenmagazine.org OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
3
16
contents Winsome Revelations.......................................................................................................7 Out Speak........................................................................................................................ 10 Tell Your Story.................................................................................................................16 Outspoken Youth............................................................................................................ 32 Health & Wellness...........................................................................................................36 Speaking Tall...................................................................................................................50 Mentality...........................................................................................................................55
4
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
42
50
features DAILY REMINDERS FOR ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE
PLAYERS, PREDATORS AND PARASITES
.................................... 12
.................................... 36
YA’KE SMITH GIVES VOICE TO VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ABUSE .................................... 20
2013 TAX CHANGES
INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING
COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS
.................................... 33
.................................... 56
.................................... 46
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
5
OUTSPOKEN THE VOICE FOR ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE Publisher
Winsome Alexander
Senior Photographer Scott Boden
Contributing Photographer Terry W.
Contributing Writers Martin Henderson
Editorial Assistant Amber Washington
Artistic Direction Ink Noir Media Lauren WIlliams
stay
connected www.Facebook.com/Outspokenmag
@Outspokenmag
A LOT in a little book. *Ever wonder what side of the pro choice/pro life debate aborted babies are on?
www.Outspokenmag.com/rss
*Ever wonder if aborted babies have regrets? *Ever heard a would be mother apologize to her aborted babies? *And domestic violence, what’s that really like? For any donation to OUTSPOKEN Magazine upwards of $10.00, you can receive this book as a gift from us.
6
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
www.LinkedIn.com/Outspokenmag O U TS P O K E N Magazine is published quarterly in both print and digital formats.Advertising contained therein does not constitute endorsement. Signed columns are the opinions of the writers and not necessarily the opinions of the publisher, advertisers, or their agencies. All copy is protected and cannot be reproduced without written permission from the publisher. Copyright 2012
winsome revelations
from the editor
SILENCE IS OUR ENEMY I simply want to thank Ya’ke Smith for being OUTSPOKEN with his film, Wolf. Curiously, the issue of abuse affects all of us in every aspect of society yet, it continues to be a taboo subject. When we broach the topic, many become uncomfortable and can’t wait for us to be quiet again. Sponsors hesitate to support OUTSPOKEN Magazine, a film like Wolf is challenged for distribution and advertisers fail to take a stand while cases of abuse continue to multiply in the dark of silence. Let’s break this destructive silence. Let us begin to look at abuse as a community infestation problem so we can go beyond hiding it to eradicating it. We have to begin to take preventive measures now. Too many fathers and brothers are raping their daughters and sisters, too many mothers are victimizing children in unspeakable ways. Too many youth are being neglected and demoralized by the very people set in place to nurture them, too many adults are taking from children what they never got, still too many women continue to suffer violence, and as a community, we are all paying the bitter price. Silence costs us 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys to be a victim of abuse. Soon enough, every last one of us will have an untold story about abuse. How do you figure these numbers affect society overall? Much needed gifts, talents, and skills to build strong, thriving communities go to waste in drugs and alcohol use and dealings, iliteracy, prison time, poverty, underachievement, violence and revictimization. Put a dollar value on all this chaos and see very quickly one of the reasons the deficit is as out of control and the problem of abuse. Projects like Wolf and OUTSPOKEN magazine that go against the grain are important catalysts for change. We stick our necks out and provide a platform to ensure victims and survivors have a voice and dialogue can take place. Dialogue is the first step to preventive measures. We keep the focus on the issue of abuse long after the headlines have receded. We continue to raise our voices with the understanding that in matters of abuse; silence is our enemy.
Winsome Alexander
Founder, ASCAR Centers International Inc. Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Recovery Centers OUTSPOKEN Magazine International Inc. The Voice for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
7
OUTSPOKEN
THE VOICE FOR ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE
The truth is...chid abuse does not end in childhood. The trauma can cause lifelong emotional damage.
Our Mission
We believe in truth that will make you free. We bring awareness to the truth of the long term, often life long effects of abuse. We believe in placing blame where it rightfully belongs; not for condemnation but for accountability, in effort to break the abuse cycle. Facing the truth of the abuse that happened is a most important first step towards recovery. We believe that every life has a purpose; The abused one who was cast aside, ridiculed and overlooked, as well as the abusers who might have acted out what was done to them, were all made for a good reason. We believe the purpose of each person is directly connected to the natural God given gifts woven into the fibers of each of us when we were originally formed in secret in the image of God. Therefore, we strongly support using our gifts to help in the healing of battered emotions and recovery from life failures. We believe the gifts we were given will make room for us in the marketplace and will provide for us both spiritually and materially. We believe in the use of our gifts to glorify God, to bless others and to bring us prosperity. We believe the use of our gifts will help bring us back to our original self: the self that thrived before abuse interrupted our development. We believe anyone can accomplish great things with just a little support and we believe we have been called to offer some of that support. OUTSPOKEN Foundation for Adult Survivors of Abuse,
OUTSPOKEN 8
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
9
outspeak
reader feedback
You too can move from victim to survivor to thriver, OUTSPOKEN knows how… Spread the word, silence does not change things; being outspoken does. Kulcha Imigiz, JA. OUTSPOKEN: We at OUTSPOKEN aim to shatter the silence and break the cycle of abuse. Because we cannot do it without you, our supporters, we thank you so much for helping us spread the word. OUTSPOKEN Magazine is one of the best things that ever happened. Although I have not been purposely affected by many of the issues discussed in OUTSPOKEN, there is always some information in it that I can use to help someone else. This magazine is very timely and serving a great purpose. It is reaching an audience that has been previously left out. Kudos to all who work on producing this great magazine.
M.M. NY
OUTSPOKEN: Many thanks M.M! Our team is small but passionate about helping to heal and restore lives. We want to see survivors of abuse rise up and take their lives back. That’s why OUTSPOKEN continues despite our own challenges. The most interesting magazine I have ever seen, it deserves much wider circulation. I’m impressed, keep up the good work, OUTSPOKEN!
M.B. VA.
OUTSPOKEN: M.B, although our resources are limited, we strive for excellence. Survivors of abuse are often forced to accept the least of everything. With this magazine, we want to provide them with the very best we can afford. OUTSPOKEN Magazine serves a channel to restoring dignity to devastated lives.
10
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
den
Cover
Photo:
Scott Bo
Writing Competition
n e k o p s out oct / nov
dult Ering a
Empow
f abusE
ors o surviv
/ dEc 2011
al you
in E orig
and th
mercy es ministri
ARE YOU OUTSPOKEN?
Ed form trans torEd livEs rEs hopE
ntold thE u story of
humanicking traff annie rt stewa on or
tuti prosti
S OF IVOR
T SURV R ADUL
E FO E VOIC
TH
OF FATHEROSNOR H H HAIGTRIBUTE TO S G
THER OOD FA
ry?
slavE
rld r a wo ting fo girls arE h12 fiERg20 E whEr for salE not 1 ZINE
SUMM
E
D ABUS
CHIL
riEd oul c
my s
rachel llyod OUTS
GA
While My Parents Fought... (Write about how your parents’ disagreements affected you throughout your life)
NTAL MEN’S ME ALTH HEMENTAL
As part of our MISSION to spotlight adult survivors of abuse, we are inviting readers
ON COMM RDERS H DISO HEALT FFECT MEN THAT A
to participate in a creative writing competition aimed
IES FAMILY T S IE T E H ARE T D B T A THAL FAMINILIES
at sharing stories with others as a means of healing. Selected stories will be featured in upcoming issues of
N S NCTIO GACIE DYSFU & THEIR LE
OUTSPOKEN. We also accept anonymous submissions to
OF ARES ED SH L JOURNEY A HN RE DR. JO HIS PERSON 1
HEALING
IN
D WITH THE CHIL E
GAZIN EN MA
OK
OUTSP
My Father... (Write anything you want to express about your biological father, pleasant or not)
N MA
POKE
om
frEEd
TOPICS
protect your privacy.
Submit entries to Email: walexander@outspokenmagazine.org or OUTSPOKEN Magazine PO Box 5363 Beaumont TX 77726
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
11
DAILY REMINDERS FOR
ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE by Yetta Krinsky
1. Your body and soul come in a perfect match. No soul in a body that ever
There is an inner drive to heal, to make sense of things and find meaning in
was before, or ever will be, has the particular mission of your soul in your
what has happened to us. Just as when we cut ourselves we do not have to
body in the healing of the world. Regardless of the negative messages you
consciously think of how the blood cells need to come together to activate
may have received about yourself in the past from significant others, you
the clotting, or how connective tissue cells proliferate to heal the wound,
matter. You are meant to be here. You are immensely valuable.
so it is in healing from trauma. However, just as with a wound, sometimes suturing is necessary to bring the ends together so the natural healing
2. Perhaps one or both of your parents hurt you very badly, or had very
can occur. Sometimes we need intervention of various sorts, and possibly
severe problems. You might be afraid that you are destined to be just like
medication, to hold us so the natural healing can take place.
them. You should not worry. Your parents (with G d’s help) contributed to the creation of your body, but your soul is unique, bestowed from Above. There
6. Every person has the right to be emotionally, physically and spiritually
is a part of each of us which is not touched by anything that happens to us
safe at all times, in all places. No one can heal from anything if he or she is not safe. If you are not safe, you must first do what you need to do to be
3. There is a part of each of us which is not touched by anything that
safe. You may need to get others to help you. Safety also means to feel
happens to us. The deepest part of your soul is your essence. No
safe with yourself. Don’t dump on yourself. Speak to yourself kindly. It is
matter whether you were sexually violated, ridiculed, beaten, neglected,
possible that the way you talk to yourself, you would not tolerate from any
abandoned or emotionally abused, the deepest part of you remains pure,
other person.
holy and healthy. You just need to remember it is there. 7. To heal, you do not necessarily have to go back and relive every detail 4. Remember the Chanukah story. The whole force of a powerful
of what happened to you. Just processing the meaning can be enough.
civilization with huge armies at its disposal did everything possible to defile
Sometimes an issue may arise in the present which can re-traumatize.
and desecrate the holiness of our Holy Temple. But even with their full force,
This too is part of the healing process. Through dealing appropriately in the
there was one flask of pure oil, used for the lighting of the menorah, that still
present, and setting healthy boundaries, we can rework the past without
had the seal of the high priest. This was not found or desecrated, and it was
having to go back and deal with every single bit of the trauma. Every person
from this untouched flask of oil that the miracle and the light and the healing
has the right to be emotionally, physically and spiritually safe at all times in
came. So, too, that flask of pure oil exists in each and every one of us.
all places
5. The potential inside of you which was there before you were abused,
8. Don’t panic if you have been labeled as having Post Traumatic Stress
even if the abuse occurred when you were a very young child, is not lost.
Disorder (PTSD). The symptoms are happening because your inner world is
It is still there, waiting for the time when you will be able to access it and
attempting to heal, but needs a bit of help to take the next step.
bring it into expression.
In the usual course of events, when we process information, we match up
12
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
events that happen with schemas in our brain about how the world is, how
your own past will make you think very deeply about what children need to
people treat each other, etc. When they match up, they are filed away into
thrive, and that means that you have the potential to be a very tuned-in and
short-term memory, and then long-term memory, and don’t come back to
responsive parent. If utilized properly, your past pain will teach you how to
bother us again unless we want to recall them.
be empathetic to others.
But when something happens which is way outside anything we would
14. We are not diminished by the things we go through. On the contrary,
expect, these traumatic events don’t match up, and then can’t be filed away.
we shine. Our soul comes down to this world, and has to muddle through
So they keep coming back as nightmares and flashbacks, because there
and wrestle with many difficult issues and challenges. But our sages tell us
is an innate drive to heal, and the brain is trying to process them and make
that as a result, new paths are forged, and darkness is turned to light. Not
sense of them.
just light, but an even more powerful light than there was previously. My blessing to each one of you is that you (and all of us, and all of our
Another problem is that because the initial trauma caused such emotional
children) should be spiritually, emotionally and physically safe at all times
arousal, such as the effects of massive outpourings of adrenaline and other
and in all places. May you be blessed to fully heal, and become fully who
stress hormones, it makes information processing much more difficult. Each
you are meant to be. And you should shine so brightly and joyfully that the
time they come up again, with the same emotional arousal, this further
concept of darkness no longer exists.
impairs the processing. Dr Yetta krinsky, MBBS BA FRANZCP, is a psychiatrist 9. Therapy can help a person make sense of things, so that filing away
who works with women to facilitate the healing process
can take place. Not everyone needs therapy, though. Some find other ways,
from trauma and other life challenges. She lives in
such as through their gifts and talents, or through action and advocacy, to
Melbourne, Australia, with her husband and their lively
process and transform their distress. Light is always more powerful than
blended family
darkness Source: www.Chabad.org 10. Medication may be necessary for a time to hold this emotional arousal so that the processing and healing can occur. Just as an aside, brain changes that had been noted in trauma survivors are not the cause of PTSD, and can be modified and transformed in many ways. 11. It is not all hard work. We have to remember that there are two approaches to healing; one is to deal with the area causing problems and to attempt to fix it, and the other is to strengthen what is healthy and functioning well. Since it is one organism, the whole will be affected. We must treat ourselves kindly, and give ourselves lots of good nourishment for our souls and bodies. 12. Light is always more powerful than darkness. In a dark room, we do not have to chase away each bit of the darkness; we need only to light one small candle, and the darkness disappears on its own. 13. You will need to think about boundaries, trust in relationships, and about the importance of sanctuary in your life. Issues about forgiveness may come up and need to be thought through at a very deep level. You may also find yourself searching spiritually in many ways. For one who was abused as a child, the processing you are doing about OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
13
KATE ROBERTS 409.998.1181 14
WWW.MYTHIRTYONE.COM/KMR
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
15
tell your story
e h t I am n e r d l i h c h c a e It
I AM THE CHILDREN I TEACH
16
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
survivor stories
I am the children that I teach came about after sitting in another unrealistic professional development training, thinking, this is a waste of time. This re-enactment of student behavior doesn’t reflect the children I teach or their behavior. It was time for someone to tell the truth. Educators are charged with producing well rounded citizens, but we can’t do this if we don’t understand the baggage our students bring into the classroom. We can’t be effective without first knowing our students’ stories. I was tired of seeing new teachers cry and feel defeated when they could not teach a lesson because of constant disruption. I teach other teachers that we must stop looking for the child we were in school; that child may not exist. I have teachers reflect on their baggage and to remember that children in our classrooms manifest their circumstances both good and bad. Tonya Blue is an educator, author, workshop facilitator, and Founder of Blue Purse Publishing. Her mission is to equip new teachers with the tools and strategies to impact their relationship with students. Tonya makes a lasting impression by showing how today’s issues affect a student’s behavior in the classroom, the feelings about authority and self esteem. I NEVER WANTED TO BE A TEACHER. I did not like kids and for that reason, I was not a mother. If a pregnancy scare occurred or if the man I was dating said something about meeting his kid(s), my immediate thought process was to ‘make an appointment at the clinic or, I am not their mother, why do they need to meet me?’ I did not like kids. How I became a teacher I will never know. When I listen to my colleagues talk about how they wanted to be teachers since they were 5 years old – I laugh. I don’t remember what I used to tell people I wanted to be, but I knew for sure it wasn’t a teacher. I never had the patience or desire to understand any child’s behavior or lack thereof. What problems could a 12 to 15 year old child possibly face that would merit the disrespect they shoved upon adults? None, as far as I was concerned. Children go to school, complete household chores, and play video games. Children have no true responsibilities like bills, relationships, or real health problems. Yeah, kids are overweight because they don’t exercise, disrespectful because there is no discipline in the home; and lazy because they have no work ethic. Right? At least this is what I thought. For a long time, I carried these perceptions with me, for the majority of my teaching career.
You never know what baggage a child brings into a classroom, or the issues a teacher hides. This is a story about the effects and consequences of a legacy of abuse and the impact it has on relationships. I am the Children I Teach allows readers to explore the thoughts and feelings of teachers and the students while fighting to hide their demons…
To me, teaching children is very similar to having a relationship with a man. Some children, like men, are great during the honeymoon stage; you know the first three months…More like the first three minutes-Ha! They make me smile because they are everything I hoped for and they work hard at the relationship. Both men and children give attention, time, and affection, but it varies in how it is given. Students complete assignments, are well behaved, and respectful. Men call, take me out and finesse me with words of the future and then BAM-the truth. The true habits and true personalities come out and I am disappointed. The façade is over. For students, assignments are no longer handed in. They are now cursing me out and in constant conflict as to who the adult is in the room. The once studious behavior is now gone
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
17
Children (CON’T)
Similac, television, and the internet have raised many of my students and these are some of the children I teach.
ont of r f n i d n a I st ready m o o r s s la c my uction r t s n i n i g to be at bitch h t “ , r a e h and s cute,” thinks she’ and my grade book looks like someone shot holes in it from all of the zeros it displays. The man no longer calls, his quality time with me is rare, he is inconsiderate, and sexual intimacy has become his number one priority. As a teacher and a woman I am angry and frustrated because I thought the relationship was working. I was giving my all-and for what? Disappointment! A mutual relationship, not hardly, I guess I can’t have a mutual relationship with some students, or some men either, for that matter. This is where the relationship between men and children differ. I can leave the man if he continues to disappoint me, but I am stuck with my students for another 7 months and the abuse continues. Perceptions begin to change and then the relationship becomes unhealthy because my heart has been broken. No matter how many times I may say to myself, meet them where they are and not where I am, disappointment begins my day and my expectations are lowered…Talk about an abusive relationship. The once strong belief I had for a successful relationship is now bleak and I am just going through the motions to make it to the end of the school year. What happened to the relationship that was
18
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
being built? Maybe it never was. Maybe it was all in my mind. I am alone again in a relationship even though there are 32 other people in the room with me. When I stand in front of my classroom ready to begin instruction and hear, “that bitch thinks she’s cute,” I don’t see children. I hadn’t been in the classroom for five minutes and I am already a bitch. And I’m supposed to look past that and care about their issues? I don’t see them as children. I see the faces of every man or woman who has ever hurt me in the past and I get pissed off! I am standing in front of “children,” girls, who are 12 – 15 years old in the eighth grade with big breasts, butts, and hips bigger than mine, who are in competition with me for attention. I stand in front of boys who are 12-16 years old with facial hair, deep voices and hungry, appetites for sex, already like every other man in the club, lounge, or – yes, even church. These same young boys are wondering if they were 10 years older would I go out on a date with them. Hell no! Similac, television, and the internet have raised many of my students and these are some of the children I teach. I never wanted to be a teacher, but I am here now…Have been for 11 years and sometimes I still wonder why. I don’t wonder why I am a teacher, but rather, what is truly behind the blank stares on their faces. What thoughts are floating around their little minds that make them behave in such a manner? For most of my teaching career, I didn’t want or care to know, but after meeting two particular students, I had no choice…
WELCOME TO MY WORLD I am inviting you into my world…into the heart of my book. Read excerpts of chapters, explore and analyze characters, and dive right into the plot. Please feel free to post comments about any and every feeling, emotion, thought or idea that arises in response to the literature.
CHAPTER 1 I remember how my hustle started, but can’t really explain how it got out of control. I walked in on Unk and his boys watching a porno in the basement. All of them had a bottle of some sort in their hand, one Hennessey, one Remy and another with a purple bag and all of them had their hands in their pants. One guy’s eyes were closed while he moaned; the other guy’s eyes were glued to the TV with his mouth open. There was a bottle of lotion on the badly scratched wooden coffee table when it hit me – OH SHIT they are jerking off. I almost said something as I started to turn around to get out of there when the man with the purple bag asked, “Yo Little Shorty what up? Why you leavin’?”
CHAPTER 4 Dear Diary, I woke up wet again. My t shirt and my underwear were wet, but for different reasons. I have been having the same nightmare since I moved to this hell hole. I can still feel the pain and smell his breath. I can still see my mother’s face and hear her screaming, calling me a bitch and telling me to get out of her house while she was hugging my brother. I don’t know how I feel about anything anymore. I am suppose to start my sessions with that lady named Ms. Betty this week to talk about the situation. Fuck that I want to know how long they are gonna keep me here. I don’t want to talk to nobody about nuttin. Ain’t nobody bidness. Aint’ nobody wonna talk to me when they took me out da house, why they wonna talk nah? Tonya Blue is a native of New Haven Connecticut and has been a teacher for 14 years. She graduated from Morgan State University with a B.A. in English and a M.A. in Secondary Education from Towson University. She is an active member of the National Sorority of Phi Delta Kappa Inc. Being interested in retraining new teachers, she arms them with classroom management techniques in her professional development workshop on Assertive Discipline and she is the coordinator of Tough Teacher Conference with the principle focus of retaining teachers and to prepare teachers to face challenges and meet the diverse needs of the 21st century student. Last spring Tonya hosted a workshop for high school juniors and seniors called “Through their eyes”, which focused on the issues and pressures faced by today’s teens, as well as the characters in her novel. Her book is currently being used at Baltimore Community College in the sociology department. She is currently working on a supplementary workbook. Tonya believes to build strong relationships with children you must first work on the child within to impact the ones around you.
and , n o i levis raised e t , c a l Simi rnet have nts te de the in f my stu the o of many e are some hes and t I teach. n childre
TONYA BLUE Tonya Blue is an educator, author, workshop facilitator, and Founder of Blue Purse Publishing. Her mission is to equip new teachers with the tools and strategies to impact their relationship with students. Tonya makes a lasting impression by showing how today’s issues affect a student’s behavior in the classroom, the feelings about authority and self esteem.
Tonya is preparing for the Tough Teacher Conference Chat and Chew: a post discussion session to reflect on the first half of the year and re-empower the participants to finish the year strong. She will also be hosting Tough Teacher Conference for 2013 while working on a script for the novel for an independent film, and her second novel.
I Am the Children I Teach is available online at
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
19
REC
FILMMAKER YA’KE SMITH
GIVES A VOICE TO VICTIMS OF
ABUSE
OUTSPOKEN magazine had the tremendous privilege of attending the Houston screening of “Wolf” at the Our Image film festival. Wolf is the must see film of a lifetime! What we be held in this movie was brilliant writing, acting; directing…everything about the movie is out of this world! It is a story that pulls you in and educates you like nothing else will. If you have any doubts or questions about how sexual abuse can destroy lives, you need only to see Wolf. Wolf stars Irma P. Hall, Mikala Gibson, Jordan Cooper, Shelton Jolivette, and Eugene Lee in a story about a family shaken to the core when they discover their son has been molested. As they struggle to deal with the betrayal, their son heads towards a total mental collapse because of his love for his abuser, while his abuser attempts to exorcise his own past demons. I was particularly impressed with the portrayal of the realities of the young boy’s interactions with his abuser and the family’s helplessness in coping 20
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
PHOTO BY: TERRY W.
with the aftershocks. Nothing I can tell you here will prepare you for the
“GA Church Deacon Arrested for Molesting Two Toddlers and Images
range of emotions you will experience while savoring this film. But, I can tell
of Child Porn”
you that you will come away educated and with new insights into the dark and intricate world of sexual abuse. - Winsome Alexander.
“Miami Priest Rolando Garcia Accused of Covering Up Allegations of Sexual Abuse”
OUTSPOKEN Magazine was able to secure an interview with filmmaker Ya’ke Smith to discuss his timely feature film WOLF. WOLF injects a
“MS Pastor Danny Hollins Steps Down Amid Allegation of Sex with
dose of reality to a society of people who have permanently anesthetized
Teen”
themselves to taboo issues especially sexual abuse in the church-- It’s the pink elephant in the room that no one wants to discuss.
“Tulsa Church Victory Christian Center Accused of Protecting Ministry from Teen Sex Abuse Allegations”
Smith’s film has garnered a plethora of awards and praises from film critics and festival attendees across the United States. “This is the film that Spike
“Former Pella pastor Patrick Edouard was sentenced Friday morning
Lee’s Red Hook Summer should have been; and if Tyler Perry had the
to five years in prison after being found guilty of sexual exploitation.”
goods and the guts, his Christian-themed morality tales that seem to only exist on a really simplistic, even shallow level, will instead look and sound
“Alabama Pastor Cederick McMillan Convicted of Sexually Abusing
like Wolf...” stated Tambay A. Obenson-- film critic for Indiwire.
Teen Relative”
As a society and more so in some cultures we have been crippled by the
“Former South Dallas Pastor Tyrone Gordon Church Sex Scandal
words, “What goes on in the house stays in the house” and the thought that
Claims Two More Alleged Victims”
“No matter what happens, God will wipe it away and make it all better.” If that statement held truth, why are the allegations of abuse in the church
Ironically if polled, most of the abusers would profess to be Christians.
becoming more prevalent in the news headlines? The following 7 stories
Churches are full of men, women and children who are carriers of secrets
have been a part of the news in the past 30 days alone;
and pain-- In the pews and behind the pulpits. - Lauren Williams.
WHAT WAS YOUR CATALYST FOR SELECTING THIS SUBJECT MATTER?
in and sat down then said she was glad she did because it was so different
“I grew up in the church. I’ve been exposed to the good side and the bad
this piece and you never pointed the finger at anyone,’ she offered. “And
and I know people who have been molested by clergy. Some of those
that was my goal in doing this film. I’m not pointing the finger at anyone.
people are still to this day dealing with the psychological trauma of what
But, let’s figure out how this happened, where the breakdown happened
happened to them because no one ever dealt with them in the proper way
and figure out what I, what we, need to do to fill in the gaps so that it can
and no one ever gave them a voice or a chance to tell their stories. And
stop happening. Pointing fingers will not solve the issue.”
for me, I felt that it was time to give them a voice. Speaking of the church
“There have also been questions about the source of my inspiration, what
body; when we at any point decide to practice what we preach, we have to
research was done and how I selected the actors. People love the actors!
be open. We have to admit that we have flaws. We have to admit that there
All of the actors were great. I didn’t want to have a celebrity cast because
are things that happen in secret that need to come out, because as long as
then you’d be looking at the celebrity and not the people. I didn’t want to
we continue to deny this, people will never come back to ‘the church.’ Until
take that reality away from the story.”
than what she had thought. ‘You you gave humanity to every character in
we acknowledge those troubling issues, people won’t want not come. We can’t address the issue until we confront it and that’s the problem; we won’t confront it. How can you, a pastor, be effective if you’re being hypocritical? But if I’m doing the same thing that you’re doing in the pulpit, you’re condemning my soul to hell and anointing my head with oil.” WHAT TYPES OF QUESTIONS DO YOU GET FROM AUDIENCE MEMBERS ONCE THEY HAVE SEEN THE FILM? “The first question is, of course, why did I make this film, but mostly I get
WITH ABUSE IN THE CHURCH BEING SUCH A SENSITIVE SUBJECT, HOW WERE YOU ABLE TO EXTRACT THE RAW EMOTION FROM THE ACTORS THAT CAME ACROSS SO REALISTICALLY ON SCREEN? “I consider myself an actor’s director. One thing I’m really big on is back story, where the people came from and why they’re doing what they’re doing in every moment. I don’t do the traditional rehearsal in the sense of less getting up to read the script. It’s about the actors embodying the characters and becoming the characters from the ground up and it takes a lot of
comments. One lady said when she read the synopsis, she didn’t know if
research. One of the techniques that I used was to act as a news reporter
she wanted to see the movie. She went to see the film reluctantly but went
and interview the cast about their church and their pastor.
22
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
They would answer me back in character like at that moment in the movie
pedophiles and things of that nature. He was able to glean ideas about the
where the parents are unaware that their son had been molested, they
private persona and the public persona of the preacher and how to walk the
were just going on about this man. How he saved their marriage when it
line between the two. I think because I knew what I wanted and I gave them
was going through a rough patch, without him they would be dead, the
all of these tools they completely surrendered to the script. And they were
young boy shooting back about when his dad wasn’t around pastor was
willing to do whatever I needed them to do.”
there for him. He just loved staying at his pastor’s house, and again just building the character and getting them to understand that this is who you are in the movie. This is why you’re doing what you’re doing. Another thing I like to do is get them together like a family. I sent them out on dates, took them to Dave and Busters, every morning we would eat breakfast together, we stayed in the same hotels. It was a matter of establishing a connection between these people so that they would feel like a real family when people saw the film. Their statements about the cast appearing very close are true because I built an environment where they felt free with each other and actually started to love each other as a family. As husband and wife, the trust is there so when you see the breakup on-screen it comes across as real and you feel it and you want them to get back together. You’re rooting for this family because you realize how much they are actually connected. Things like that made a difference. For instance with Eugene, I sent him a lot of YouTube videos of different articles on different preachers and
WAS THERE ANY RESISTANCE FROM THE CAST IN PORTRAYING THESE CHARACTERS ONCE THEY REALLY UNDERSTOOD THE EXTENT OF THE DRAMA? “Ok take Jordan, for instance. Jordan, who plays the young boy, was all into it. It was his parents who were skeptical. I remember we were doing a photo shoot in San Antonio because I needed pictures of the family at the house and right before we left we shot the videos. They were YouTube videos that the boy had recorded of he and the pastor together, that’s how everything comes out from the video. But the videos are always of him recording. The pastor’s not really doing anything. He’s either asleep or he’s unaware. At any rate, we recorded all this stuff and when we were about to leave, it became obvious that Jordan’s father was uncomfortable. His father’s concern was, ‘Jordan has to go back to school after playing a role like this…how is that going to work out?’ Jordan said, ‘I’m not worried about
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
23
it.’ The thing that I love about the young boy is that he said, ‘I want to help give a voice too.’ It’s crazy because a lot of abusers have been abused. I took this sex and religion class; I attended a Catholic college. And in the class we went through the whole pedophilia sexual abuse in the Catholic Church thing. The instructor said of a lot of the men who are abusing these boys, that they are usually sexually arrested at that age they were abused. So if I were abused at 14, chances are, I will always be attracted to 14-year-old boys as I was stunted or stuck at that age. Even in doing research for the film, I found that a lot of times let’s say you were molested when you were 11 and you’re now attracted to 11 year olds. When your victim turns 12 and 13 and starts to develop pubic hair, you’re done, because now he has become a man in your eyes and that’s not what you want so you find another 11 year-old. And then, when you start dealing with men who have been molested and you come at them from the angle of being gay, it’s a turnoff for them and they shut down. There is a difference to them. Even with the film I always tell professional people when they say I really skirted around the issue of him being gay, it’s not what it’s about. Whether he’s gay or not, has nothing to do with what happened to him. To me, those are two different things. When you equate the two that’s when you get the response, ‘Oh well, I’m not dealing with that.” WOLF MADE ITS DEBUT AT THE SXSW FILM FESTIVAL ON MARCH 11 2012. WHAT HAS BEEN THE FEEDBACK AND WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE MOVIE? “We didn’t get into Sundance and we didn’t get into Toronto. We’ve gotten into some of the bigger festivals however, there have been some that have plain shut us out. Ultimately, we want distribution so the movie can be seen in the major cinema chains. Until that happens, we continue to have private screenings in various cities and I hope to actually run the mega and not so mega church circuits. I want everyone to see Wolf because it is such a community problem and we need to bring it out in the open and discuss abuse as a reality in our churches, schools and homes so we can really begin to deal with it at its core.” PHOTO BY: TERRY W. 24
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
WHAT ARE THE CRITICS SAYING?
“IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF CINEMA, WATCH WOLF ” Ian Hubbard, Film Slate Magazine
“AN ASSURED FIRST FEATURE” Chris Vonar, Dallas Morning News
“AN AUDACIOUS, POTENT DRAMA” Tambay Obenson, Shadow & Act
“WRENCHING..BUT EXCELLENT” Linda Holmes, NPR
Ya’Ke Smith was awarded the OUTSPOKEN Swan Award for Giving Voice toSurvivors of Abuse at the Our Image Film and Arts Festival in Houston, TX.
“Projects like WOLF and OUTSPOKEN Magazine are catalysts for change. We go against the grain and stick our necks out to ensure that abuse stays out of the closet. We provide a platform for discussion and education, with the understanding that these are first steps toward prevention and eradication of the cycle. OUTSPOKEN Magazine honors the work of Ya’ke Smith. “Your work validates our work as we continue to keep focus on issues of abuse long after the sensationalism of isolated headline stories have receded.” Where major publications might be timid to embrace a movie like Wolf, OUTSPOKEN Magazine fully supports it. - Winsome Alexander - OUTSPOKEN Magazine. If your organization or church would like to host a showing
www. outspokenmagazine.org or walexander@ outspokenmagazine or outspokenmagazine on facebook of
the movie, WOLF, please feel free to contact us at
OUTSPOKEN Magazine: like us on facebook OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
25
OUTSPOKEN is the yet unpublished memoire of Winsome Alexander that details her trials and triumphs as a survivor of child abuse. Each issue of OUTSPOKEN Magazine delves into individual challenges an adult survivor of abuse will face in a lifetime, many of which Winsome herself has experienced. This piece was selected for this issue since we are highlighting sexual abuse in the church. Right before I left Toni and Ann Marie’s a man named Kirkpatrick came knocking at our door. He asked if I knew where Beverly was since he did not find her at her apartment, about 3 doors away. Remember Beverly the lesbian? He had been trying to convert her to the Bahai Faith of which he was a high ranking minister. I had gone to his church service, gathering, whatever… a few times. Although I cannot remember what they taught, they did a lot of socializing together. One Sunday evening we went to a social held in a beautiful home off Hope Road in Kingston belonging to one of the members. Everyone had to take their shoes off at the door of this home, it was part of the religious practice but once inside the house you knew this rule worked well for the homeowner for another obvious reason. This house was immaculately kept, not a spot of dust anywhere among the lavish furnishings and tasteful decorations that told you the owner was a person of the world. There was a lot of mingling and eating in a somewhat pretentious atmosphere. Pretentious in that they were trying too hard to deviate from the truth of Jesus, the Bible and church as usual. Even then, I knew this little sect was not for me. I did not associate with them anymore thereafter and I do not know what the Bahai faith is doing in Jamaica today.
IF YOU CAN’T TRUST A PASTOR… Excerpt from the book OUTSPOKEN: How the secrets I never told until now almost
Well, I don’t remember now how the minister got from the door where he was asking about Beverly to inside our apartment but the next thing I knew, we were necking heavily. He smelled good and for some reason I was highly aroused. I was willing to go all the way when he suddenly stopped and pulled himself together to leave. Patting down his hair he asked rather anxiously, guilt all over his face, “How do I look?” feeling the devil in me I began laughing at him and my answer was a mocking, “As though you were making love.” He became obviously flustered and left in a hurry. As he hustled away I was laughing, but confused and angry. This so called religious man just had me in bed. If you can’t trust a pastor who can you trust? So then men meant nothing to me. Even I meant nothing to me. Sex meant love, attention, affection and companionship if only for the few short moments it lasted. During this time the desire for my biological father was becoming overwhelming. It sat heavily upon me like an unbearable pressure and I began to believe that I was having these problems because he was not there. I just knew that when I met him everything would be better. I was overjoyed to learn that he lived in America in New Jersey. I felt I was getting closer to my dream; it would not be long before I found him. That he lived in America was also promising. I imagined him being well off and I just knew I would be able to migrate, go to school, complete my education, help my family and live happily…
destroyed me
26
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
a lighter note
Are you sure for a fact without any doubt in your mind that you are safe and securely registered to vote? Are you 100% confident that when you get to the polls on November 6 that you will have no problems in doing so? If not, double-check here. Heck… even if you are sure, double-check anyway. In some cases, you could be registered, but listed as “inactive”. CanIVote.org is a nonpartisan web site that was created by state election officials to help eligible voters figure out how and where to go vote.
Please vote...its your right! OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
27
(The elections have passed, but we hope that you still find this information useful.)
Rape & Suicide Crisis of Southeast Texas, Inc. exists for individuals and their families of sexual assault and suicide prevention and awareness. The education department was established to develop awareness of sexual assault throughout our communities. Presentations are given in area schools, churches, civic organizations, and professional settings. The Crisis Center continues to participate in the Coalition Against Sexual Assault through participation in the Annual Candelight Vigil in conjunction with other area Crime Victims Assistance agencies and the Sexual Assault Awareness month in April. Our goal is to assist our community in reducing the incidences of sexual assault through education and awareness and reduce the degree of physical and emotional trauma experienced by sexual assault survivors and their families. We are an active member of the Southeast Texas Sexual Assault Task Force with other members like, medical facilities, law enforcement, CASA, CPS and Victim Assistance Centers. This task force was developed to ensure a continuum of services for sexual assault survivors and their families. 28
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
Crisis Center of Southeast Texas, Inc. P.O. Box 3208 Beaumont, Texas 77704
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
29
30
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
www.beaumontpd.com
The Citizens Police Academy is a 13 week program which meets on Thursday nights, and is designed to familiarize citizens with how and why the police operate in the manner that they do. A number of hands-on activities, including pursuit driving, firearms range, and defensive tactics are included, and the course is free to the public.
The Beaumont Police department is involved in a number of volunteer and community programs on a daily basis. Those programs include Citizens in Action, Citizens Police Academy, Citizens Police Academy Alumni Association, Police Substation Volunteers, and the Clergy and Police Partnership.
The Citizens Police Academy Alumni Association is a public service, non-profit group that supports area law enforcement. They are involved in many public service activities, and meet monthly to further their training and knowledge about policing. A group of citizen volunteers staff the Parkdale Mall Police Substation each weekday during business hours. They are responsible for disseminating information to and interacting with the public on behalf of the police department. They also meet regularly to further their training. The Clergy and Police Partnership is comprised of a group from the local clergy who receive specialized training. Their primary mission is to minister to police employees in need and to respond to emergency and/or crisis situations to assist officers. BEAUMONT POLICE COMMUNITY RELATIONS CONTACT: 409.880.3825 OR 409.880.3802 OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
31
OUTSPOKEN YOUTH PRESERVING THE ORIGINALITY OF OUR YOUTH
32
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
CHERISH THE CHILD
www.outspokenmag.com
Every parent teaches their child about the potential danger of interacting with strangers. But statistics show that most child abuse cases don’t involve strangers. The National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse says the vast majority of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know — most often a family member or a trusted adult. As a parent, you can protect your child from sexual abuse by talking to her starting in preschool. “Children as young as 3 or 4 can understand that there is good and bad
GOOD TOUCH BAD TOUCH HELPING YOUR CHILD TO UNDERSTAND
THE DIFFERENCE
touch if you explain it to them,” says Katherine Peatross, clinical services program manager with Youth Villages, a private nonprofit organization dedicated to helping children with emotional, behavioral, and mental health issues. “Unfortunately, far too few parents talk to their children about it, even though we tell children about everything else that is right and wrong to do.” If you don’t talk with your child about sexual abuse, then she or he won’t know how to respond should happen. As a result, she may remain silent instead of telling you about the incident. “By talking to your child about sexual abuse, you can instill confidence in them that they are safe if they report it to you,” says Peatross. “It’s crucial that children who have been abused get professional help quickly.” In addition, Peatross recommends parents teach their children to report inappropriate touching by anyone, including family members, teachers, coaches, church officials, youth group leaders, and other children. Be aware that roughly one-third of child sexual abuse is committed by minors.
How To Talk About Sexual Abuse • Tell your child about good touch: a hug or a pat on the back, and bad touch: when someone touches your private areas. • Tell your child nobody — no family member, teacher, another child or an adult — is allowed to touch those areas covered by a bathing suit because these are your child’s private areas. • Tell your child he or she needs to tell any adult who touches them in their private areas, “No!” • Tell your child that if anyone ever touches him or her in any way in their private areas, he or she needs to tell a parent, trusted adult, or teacher immediately. • If you need help talking about this, order My Body Belongs to Me, by Jill Starishevsky. It is written for young children and will help them understand this important lesson. • mybodybelongstome.com.
Get Help Immediately If you suspect your child has been abused, act immediately. Call the Crisis Center Hotline: (901) 274-7477. Tennessee law requires all adults report suspected cases of child abuse and neglect. This includes doctors, police, teachers, parents, mental health professionals, childcare providers, dentists, family members and friends. Or call the National Child Abuse Hotline (800) 4-A-CHILD, at childhelp.org.
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
33
34
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
35
health & wellness Players Predators and Parasites ,
Have you watched a good con movie recently? You know, two hours of nonstop, thrilling suspense. Imagine sitting on the edge of your seat, hanging on every word as you desperately try to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys. Years ago, producers simplified movie plots by dressing good guys in white and bad guys in black. Distinguishing the bad guys in real life, however, is not that simple. I know a beautiful young woman who served time in prison for crimes she did not commit. With all the charm of a scorpion, this young woman’s boyfriend convinced her if she truly loved him, she would serve out his prison sentence. Yes, shockingly, she believed him. Sometimes I seriously wonder how situations such as this happen. How can one’s self-esteem be reduced to such depths? Why would an innocent person be willing to serve time in a federal penitentiary? Why do innocent people assume responsibility for the actions of villains? The more cases of injustice I study, the more I come to disdain manipulation. One thing I know, when an innocent party is willing to take the fall for actions they have not done it usually means they have experienced the heartbreaking pain of trusting a mind-manipulator. What is Manipulation? Manipulation is emotional extortion. It is the persuasive power to acquire from others what they do not want to give. Consider the friend or sibling who magically seems to get their way no matter what. They have the uncanny way of persuading others to give them anything, sometimes everything, they desire. What’s the trick? How does a tenant deliberately neglect to meet the obligations of his lease and then compel his proprietor to feel sorry, even apologetic, for expecting payment? By skillfully projecting emotions of self-pity and unworthiness onto his victim, he steals a trick right out of the con-man’s play book. Persuading victims they are, in fact, the villains, manipulators generate compassion from others, even when they are the ones inflicting pain. As you learn more about manipulation it is important to remember two very 36
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
physical, mental, spiritual important principles. First, a manipulator’s primary pleasure is control. In the same way cocaine provides a euphoric high for an addict; control becomes an addictive high for a manipulator. Secondly, a manipulator is a professional liar. Since they fabricate stories which distort the truth, it will take a sharp mind and godly discernment to avoid the enticing words or actions of an experienced mind manipulator. The correlation between rejection and manipulation is profound. In fact, the number one target for con-artists and mind manipulators are those who have been emotionally wounded or rejected. I recently watched a documentary based on this very principle. The hour-long show brought to light the fact that a large percentage of scam artists search the internet for bankruptcy or divorce notifications, even obituaries to find their next victim. They target the vulnerable, specifically, the lonely, insecure, sick or uneducated. Once they have identified their intended victim, the next step is to establish a relationship. How does a villain befriend a victim? Manipulators gain the trust of their potential victim by portraying themselves as a victim. After all, every hurting person longs for a friend who can understand their pain. The most destructive part of betrayal is that it undermines trust. Consider a time when you uncovered the evil schemes of a manipulator. How did you respond to the knife stuck in your back? Were you shocked? Disappointed? Did you question your ability to make wise decisions or to discern the motives of others? Perhaps you were not swindled out of thousands of dollars but you lost something greater, trust and self-respect. Feelings of doubt and shame are often hard to conquer, especially if you have been coerced into believing a lie. If you have struggled to form strong, healthy or long-lasting relationships then it is time to re-evaluate who qualifies for your future. You can learn how to detect and identify those who would manipulate your heart or mind for selfish gain. Remember, anyone who creates repetitive failure in your life does not belong in your future. Below I have listed several identifying signs a wrong person may be in your life. Please invest time to contemplate each one, asking God to reveal who belongs in your present and qualifies for your future. Character Traits of Manipulators - Manipulators are savvy. With sheer confidence they justify inappropriate behavior. - Manipulators portray themselves as victims. - A relationship with a manipulator becomes jeopardized the moment you refuse to follow their advice. - The apology of a manipulator will be well-crafted and insincere. - Manipulators methodically direct the course and direction of conversation. Manipulators are like emotional fishermen. They are patient, shrewd, and calculating. Inside their tackle box is an assortment of hooks, bait, and lures designed to emotionally ensnare the big catch. One of the main baits manipulators use to reel in their victims is sympathy. Pretending to be victims, they use sympathy as a ploy to tug on the heartstrings of many wellmeaning and caring people. Being expert liars, they fabricate stories of convenience, creating
Tracey
As one of the nation’s leading conference speakers, Tracey travels 40+ weeks a year, sharing Biblical principles and wisdom with diverse audiences throughout America. Tracey’s real life experiences – though painful and challenging have enabled her to identify with the hurting, lonely, and rejected. Whether speaking to men, women corporate CEO’s or the homeless, Tracey’s love and passion for re-writing the lives of the brokenhearted make her messages relevant and empowering. Mentorship Founder Born in adverse circumstances, Tracey is acquainted with the emotional chaos that accompanies abandonment and rejection. Although she suffered painful experiences she discovered one proven truth; with God’s love and mercy, ‘all pain can be transformed into purpose.’ As a life coach and mentorship founder of “The Winning Woman”, Tracey’s heart is to see lives changed, hearts healed, and dreams fulfilled. Her heart is transparent, her message simple &”Your Life Can Change ~ You Can Change!”
worlds that do not exist. In one brush stroke they exaggerate the truth, customizing their tale to those who will emotionally buy in. With a world full of game-players and manipulators how are we to protect ourselves from their malicious strategies? To help us out I have listed the top 6 lies manipulators tell and the carefully crafted reasons they tell them.
Tracey Mitchell Ministries, Inc. is a non-profit organization based in Dallas, Texas. We are financially supported by contributions from friends and partners of the ministry.
health & wellness
6
cont’d
Top Lies Manipulators Tell
1. “I have never told anyone this before…” is the classic one-liner manipulators use to bridge trust. Acting as if they are sharing highly personal information, they expect their victims to share intimate details of their life in return. 2. “You are the only person I really trust…” a lie used to create sympathy and compassion. It subtly communicates the message, although everyone else has abandoned me I believe you are different. I know you will never betray my trust. The goal of a manipulator is to persuade others to pledge unfailing loyalty. 3. “You are the only real person I know…” is a craftily designed lie portraying their victim as their only source of trust. It is a sly way of compelling others to be completely vulnerable and transparent. 4. “You are the only person I can relax and be my true self around…” A liar’s slick shot at convincing others they are being open and honest. The aim is to destroy any remaining walls of resistance or distrust. 5. “This is not about …” Every liar’s favorite line. If a manipulator becomes anxious or apprehensive about a person’s loyalty, they will plea the opposite of their true intent. For instance, if they stress the point, this relationship is not about money, be assured money is exactly their objective. It they stress their motive is not to have a sexual relationship, be assured that is exactly what they have in mind. Manipulators are notorious for expressing disingenuous motives to disarm their true objective.
“
“
You are the only real person I know…
6. “I never want to see you get hurt” a lie deferring blame away from the perpetrator. The cruel truth is they are warning their victim up front, this relationship will end tragically, but I will not take the blame. This line is typically used when a manipulator feels the relationship is coming to an end. Do any of these lies seem familiar? If we are truly honest, somewhere along the journey we have all taken the bait of an accomplished mind manipulator. I have been victimized by a chronic manipulator more than once. That is why I am passionate about sharing these principles with you.. Applying the wisdom others have discovered can safe-guard our lives and those we love.
Tracey Mitchell Ministries, Inc. is a non-profit organization based in Dallas, Texas. We are financially supported by contributions from friends and partners of the ministry.
38
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
Tracey
www.outspokenmag.com
Early detection and treatment for HIV can give you a
99%
CHanCE without of having your baby born
HIV To get all the facts, call
Triangle AIDS Network
Beaumont 409.832.8338 Mid-County 409.724.2437 OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
39
Author Spotlight
From the eyes of an abused woman, this heart-filling story will touch your soul as you are taken on a journey of a woman, scorned. This is the story of a woman who has gone through many trials and tribulations and found a way out. She didn't let her life bring her down to the point where she could no longer stand. She left the outcome of her life to her creator. She stepped out on faith and overcame darkness. The soul that was once shattered is now whole again! ABOUT AUTHOR KELICHIA WELLONS Most individuals who have come in contact with her have been interested in what gives Kelichia her constant everyday drive. After countless suggestions that she should write about the trials and tribulations she has endured; Kelichia finally found courage to
Excerpt from Chapter three, (Foolishness Taking Me Over) There was this one instance where I found a gun in his room. He was hiding it from his nosey ass mother. He was sitting in a chair, in his room. I took the gun, walked over to Zic and place the gun against his temple. I asked him if he thought it was loaded. He laughed as if I was playing. I pulled the trigger. “Click.”
publish a story about her life. “The Men That Stole My Soul” depicts only a few of the many hardships that she has made it through. Kelichia Wellons wanted to use this memoire to give people an idea of where she, as a person comes from, and to inspire anyone who is going through turbulent life situations to keep striving. Her hope is that the book touches the lives and souls of everyone who reads it. Kelichia is currently working on part two of “The Men That Stole My Soul.” To learn more about her, visit www.kelichia.net
PLACE YOUR AD HERE
SILENCE IS OUR ENEMY
OUTSPOKEN Magazine is the voice for adult survivors of abuse. Your advertising dollars ensure that we are able to continue to provide OUTSPOKEN free of charge to our readers. For more information call 713.445.6880 OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
41
MENTAL WARFARE ON HOME SOIL
“From this country’s inception, its armed forces has had to create effective and cohesive fighting units from a fractious and heterogeneous population,” claims A History of the Service of Ethnic Minorities in the U.S. Armed Forces, a publication from the Palm Center for Public Policy. Native Americans, for example, played a valuable role in integrated platoons during both World Wars even as they faced significant discrimination at home. Today many different ethnic and cultural groups serve in the military. According to figures
Different cultural groups often have distinct experiences as active service
from the 2008 American Community Survey, the U.S. veteran population is
members and when they transition to civilian life. Disparities have been found
comprised of 85 percent White (non-Hispanic), 10.3 percent Black (non-
in health outcomes, attitudes towards the Veterans Administration (VA) health
Hispanic), 5.1 percent Hispanic/Latino, 1.3 percent Asian American or
system and even the medications used to treat mental illness.
Pacific Islander and 0.7 percent American Indian or Alaska Native.
42
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
health & wellness
If the U.S. military has often been ahead of the general population in its
acceptance of diversity, different cultural groups often have distinct experiences as active service members and when they transition to civilian life. Disparities have been found in health outcomes, attitudes towards the Veterans Administration (VA) health system and even the medications used to treat mental illness. Conditions like Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) also seem to affect veterans from different cultural groups at differing rates, though determining the causes behind these statistics can be complex. For instance, Latinos in the military may be at a higher risk for developing PTSD and experience more severe PTSD symptoms, but this may be due a higher exposure to combat experiences, previous exposure to trauma or culturally-specific differences in symptom reporting. The VA is faced with the same questions as the mental health system at a whole: How to create treatment strategies tailored to the unique needs of each cultural group while reducing differences in incidence and outcome. Learn more about the issues affecting veterans from the cultural groups below.
Rates and Experience of Mental Illness Culture or ethnic group affiliation may affect a service member’s likelihood of developing PTSD. African American and Latino individuals may be more likely than whites to develop PTSD. A 2006 study of Asian American veterans reported “a high incidence of diagnosed schizophrenia and psychosis in the presence of no differences in self-reported psychiatric illness.” The same study stated that “VA clinicians [may be] diagnosing psychosis more readily among Asian Americans than in other racial or ethnic groups.” There are other diagnostic trends that appear along ethnic lines. A survey of VA data related to veterans with a current diagnosis of bipolar disorder found that African Americans, particularly older veterans, were more likely than other groups to have been diagnosed with schizophrenia in the past. A study comparing Latino veterans with schizophrenia to a similar group of white non-Latino veterans found that while primary symptoms of schizophrenia were very similar for both groups, Hispanic veterans reported a later age of onset, were more likely to report somatic symptoms and spent less time in the hospital than their white counterparts. The Matsunaga Vietnam Veterans Project, one of the largest surveys of Native American Vietnam Veterans found that one third of these veterans lived with full or partial PTSD at the time of the study, more than 25 years after the war, a prevalence more than twice as high as that of white or
physical, mental, spiritual
Treatment Issues Cultural differences in the incidence of mental illness are only part of the story—veterans of different ethnic groups may have distinct treatment experiences. A 2002 national study assessing intensive PTSD treatment programs discovered that African American patients showed greater improvement than white patients on one measure of PTSD symptoms and Latino patients were more satisfied with their treatment than white patients although they showed smaller gains in employment income. By contrast, a 2007 study from the Institute on Urban Health Research found a significant relationship between African American veterans’ perceived discrimination from health care providers and their satisfaction with care, as well as between quality of care and physical functioning. Treatment disparities go beyond patient attitudes. A 2003 article from the American Journal of Psychiatry discovered that atypical antipsychotics, especially clozapine, are less likely to be used in the treatment of schizophrenia among African American and Latino veterans. A 2006 study found that African American veterans were more likely to be prescribed antipsychotics, particularly first-generation antipsychotics, than they were to receive lithium or antidepressants. Access to culturally competent care may greatly affect minority veterans’ treatment experience. Northern Plains American Indian Veterans expressed a high degree of satisfaction and comfort with a weekly telepsychiatric treatment program designed to meet the needs of rural, isolated Native Americans living with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Having a clinician of the same race may affect the length of treatment received by African American veterans—a Seattle group therapy program tailored to the needs of African American veterans has been beneficial for many participants. Veterans’ ethnicity may affect the chances of their PTSD-related claim being approved by the Veterans Administration—African Americans are less likely to have claims files for PTSD approved.
Homelessness and Substance Abuse One of the clearest discrepancies among veterans is their likelihood in becoming homeless. Approximately 56 percent of all homeless veterans are African American or Hispanic and 40 percent of these homeless veterans live with some form of mental illness. Native Americans are also overrepresented in the homeless veteran population and tend to display higher rates of alcohol abuse. Asian Americans are about one-fourth as likely as other veterans to become homeless and are also less likely to abuse alcohol.
Japanese American Vietnam veterans. The project also documented the social isolation experienced by many Native veterans. Untangling these patterns can be difficult: is the high rate of isolation reported by Native veterans related to culture or the fact that many live in rural areas?
Source: National Alliance on Mental Health For culture-specific resources visit : www.nami.org.
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
43
44
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
tell your story
survivor stories
I’m hesitant to write this, because it’s embarrassing. I feel shame coming over me about what happened. Then I think wait… why should I feel shame? Actually, I think more people need to speak up...so people will wise up. I was just an innocent child, only 7 years old. I had no idea what was happening or why. My mother’s boyfriend took a liking to both me and my brother. I was scared and didn’t
“
that I hated it. The abuse went on for a few months until my brother finally told my mother. No charges were filed. I was left with a man, my mom didn’t really know very well.
BLAME
I once heard someone ask, would you leave a million dollars in cash with anyone? I assume your list of people you would trust that much
BY: TODD BLISS
would be very short. So ask yourself this question, then. Would you take the million in exchange for your child? You say no...yet we leave our children with people we wouldn’t trust to hold our money. Why do we treat our children with less concern than we treat money? Treat your child like the valuable human being they are and do not take risks with them, protect them at all times. I’m not sure how my life was affected by it but I think it made me curious about sex way before I should have been. My innocence was taken from me. I was promiscuous as a teen and young man. Is there a link there? I don’t know.
“
I once heard someone ask, would you leave a million dollars in cash with anyone? I assume your list of people you would trust that much would be very short.
understand what was going on. All I knew was
You’re Not to
All I know is if you are a survivor of sexual abuse, you don’t have to carry that guilt or shame. You were innocent; a victim. You did not ask for this to happen to you and you did nothing to cause it. It was not your fault.
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
45
health & wellness
financial
Just about every taxpayer, from rich to poor, will be affected in one way or another. So that Certified Public Accountants (CPAs), Enrolled Agents and tax preparers can council their clients, we have listed below the expiring provisions that impact individuals and small business. •Exemption Phase-Out - Each taxpayer is entitled to a $3,800 (2012) tax exemption (deduction) for him or herself, his or her spouse, and each dependent. Beginning in 2013, a phase-out (reduction) of the exemptions will return for higher income taxpayers. The otherwise allowable exemption amounts will be reduced by 2% for each $2,500 or part of $2,500 ($1,250 for married filing separately) that the taxpayer’s AGI exceeds the AGI threshold for the year based on the taxpayer’s filing status. The threshold amounts for 2013 have not been announced yet but will be inflation-adjusted amounts from 2009 (the last year when this rule applied). These amounts were $372,700 for married taxpayers filing jointly, $186,350 for married taxpayers filing separately, $331,000 for head of household filers, and $289,300 for single filers. Impact: Higher income families. •Itemized Deduction Phase-Out - Beginning in 2013, higher income taxpayers will again be subject to the phase-out of itemized deductions. Not all itemized deductions are subject to phase-out. The following are the ones
TAX CUTS SET TO EXPIRE IN NOVEMBER TO BRING CHANGES IN 2013 TAX FILINGS There is growing concern that the tax breaks expiring at the end of 2012 could create a fiscal crisis and derail the recovery efforts. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke in testimony before Congress on June 6th repeatedly warned of the so-called “fiscal cliff” approaching at year’s end created by the expiring tax cuts and the imposition of automatic spending reductions taking place on January 1, 2013. A new Congressional Research Service (CRS) report also examines the tax provisions currently set to expire at the end of the year and the budgetary costs and policy considerations associated with extending them. These include the so-called Bush tax cuts, the alternative minimum tax (AMT) patch, the payroll tax cut, and a host of other miscellaneous provisions and “tax extenders.”
46
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
subject to phase-out: taxes, interest (except investment interest), charitable contributions, employee job expenses and other miscellaneous itemized deductions (excluding gambling and casualty or theft losses). If the itemized deductions are subject to the limit, the total of all itemized deductions is reduced by the smaller of: 1) 3% of the amount by which the AGI exceeds the annual limit, or 2) 80% of the itemized deductions that are affected by the limit. The threshold amounts for 2013 have not been announced yet but will be inflation-adjusted amounts from 2009, which were $83,400 for married taxpayers filing separately and $166,800 for all others. Impact: Higher income families who itemize their deductions. •Payroll Tax & Self-Employment Tax - Both the payroll withholding tax and self-employment tax rates have been reduced by 2 percentage points for two years. Payroll FICA withholding will return to 6.2% (up from 4.2%) and self-employment tax will return to 12.4% (up from 10.4%) beginning in 2013. Impact: All working taxpayers. •Long-Term Capital Gains Rates Increase – Taxpayers have enjoyed reduced long-term capital gains rates for several years as a result of the Bush-era tax cuts. However, those reduced rates will return to the higher rates in effect prior to 2003. The table below compares the current long-term capital gains rates to the anticipated rates for 2013 and subsequent years. Taxpayers with unrealized gains in investment property they’ve held for over one year may want to consider selling some or all of those assets in 2012 to lock in the lower long-term capital gains rate on their gains. Impact: All taxpayers with long-term capital gains.
•Regular Tax Rates - In addition to lower long-term capital gains rates, the regular marginal tax rates have been declining since 2001. However, without Congressional action, those reduced rates will return to the higher rates that were in effect prior to 2001. The table below compares the current marginal individual tax rates to the anticipated rates for 2013 and subsequent years. These increased rates will apply to all varieties of ordinary income, including interest, dividends, short-term capital gains, employment income, etc. Marginal tax rates increase as a taxpayer’s overall income increases, taxing the first block of income received at the lowest rate and each subsequent block at ever-increasing rates until the maximum rate is reached. As with assets eligible for the long-term capital gains rates, it may be appropriate for some taxpayers to accelerate ordinary income into 2012 to take advantage of the lower rates. Impact: All taxpayers. •Bonus Depreciation Expires - For several years, businesses have been able to take advantage of bonus depreciation that essentially allows a 50% (100% during some periods) depreciation deduction of the cost of qualified business equipment and machinery in the first year it is placed in service. The big business write-off expires after 2012. Impact: Larger businesses. •Coverdell Education Accounts - Some years back, the tax benefits related to Coverdell Education Accounts were liberalized and made more beneficial to taxpayers. Those liberalized benefits will no longer apply after 2012. The most notable of these changes are: the dollar limit on contributions for
Congress subsequently temporarily eliminated the 60-month limitation and
any one beneficiary is reduced to $500 from $2,000, contributions can be
increased the AGI phase-out. Beginning in 2013, the 60-month rule returns
made only by individuals, the modified AGI phase-out range for the annual
and the AGI phase-out ranges (before adjustment for inflation) will be
contribution limit will be $150,000 - $160,000 for joint filers instead of twice
reduced to $60,000 - $75,000 for joint filers and $40,000 - $55,000 for other
the amounts for single filers ($95,000 - $110,000), contributions for special
filers (except married couples filing separately who are barred from claiming
needs students age 18 or over will no longer be allowed, contributions for
this deduction). Impact: Lower to moderate income taxpayers.
the tax year must be made by December 31 (was April 15 in the following year), qualifying expenses will no longer include those related to elementary
•Alternative Minimum Tax (AMT) - Congress originally implemented the
or secondary school expenses, contributions to a Coverdell account and a
AMT to impose a minimum tax on higher-income taxpayers who were
Sec 529 Qualified Tuition Program will no longer be allowed in the same
avoiding taxes through tax shelters and other legal means. However, years
year, and education credits cannot be taken in a year in which a Coverdell
of inflation without corresponding adjustment to the AMT components
withdrawal is made. Impact: Lower to moderate income families.
have, each successive year, caused an increasing number of taxpayers to be subject to the AMT. Much as the regular income tax allows personal
•American Opportunity Tax Credit Expires - The American Opportunity Tax
exemptions, the AMT calculation allows an exemption, but based upon filing
Credit (AOTC), which took the place of the Hope Education credit beginning
status. For the past several years, Congress has, on a year-to-year basis,
in 2009, will expire after 2012. This liberalized credit provided a credit of
increased that exemption for inflation. However, should they fail to provide
up to $2,500 (the Hope credit provided only $1,800), and where the Hope
an increase for 2012 and 2013, the exemption amounts would revert to
credit could be used only to offset a taxpayer’s tax liability, up to 40% of the
levels not seen since the early 2000s, which, depending upon filing status,
AOTC is refundable in many instances. In addition, the ATOC provided 4
would result in an approximate 30% to 40% decrease in the exemption
years of credit, while the Hope credit only applies for two years. The AOTC
amount. For example, the exemption amount for joint filers would drop from
expires after 2012. Impact: Lower income families.
2011’s $74,450 to $45,000. The reduction of the exemption amount would snare a significantly greater number of taxpayers for 2012 - estimated to
•Higher Education Loan Interest - A deduction of up to $2,500 is allowed for
be around 31 million versus 4 million for 2011. Impact: Generally, middle
interest paid on loans for higher education. This deduction was originally
income taxpayers.
limited to the first 60 months for which the interest payments were required. •Child Tax Credit - Since 2003, the child tax credit has been $1,000 for OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
47
health & wellness
financial
each qualified child of a taxpayer who is under the age of 17 at the end of the year. However, this was a temporary provision that expires at the end of 2012, and, beginning in 2013, the credit will revert to $500 per child. In addition, the refundable portion of the credit will be reduced. Impact: Lower income taxpayers with children. •Child & Dependent Care Credit - As part of the Bush-era tax cuts, the maximum expenses qualifying for dependent care credit were raised from $2,400 ($4,800 for two or more qualifiers) to $3,000 ($6,000 for two or more qualifiers) and the incomebased maximum credit percentage was raised from 30% to 35%. However, these increases are scheduled to revert to the lower amounts in 2013. Impact: Lower income working taxpayers with children. •Earned Income Tax Credit - In 2009, a credit category for three or more children was added, providing an increased credit for taxpayers with three or more qualifying children. However, that was a temporary measure which will expire at the end of 2012. This will reduce the maximum credit for individuals with three or more children by $650 in 2013. Other changes that enhanced and simplified the credit computation are also set to expire. Impact: Lower income taxpayers with large families.
In addition to the expiring benefits listed above, depending upon what the Supreme Court ultimately decides about the Health Care Law, the following provisions of the Heath Care law will take effect in 2013: •Increased Hospital Insurance Tax - The Hospital Insurance (HI) tax rate (currently at 1.45%) will be increased by 0.9 percentage points on individual taxpayer earnings (wages and self-employment income) in excess of compensation thresholds for the taxpayer’s filing status. Thus, the wage withholding HI rate will be 1.45% up to the income threshold and 2.35% (1.45 + 0.9) on amounts in excess of the income thresholds. The hospital insurance portion of the SE tax rate will be 2.9% up to the income threshold and 3.8% (2.9 + 0.9) on amounts in excess of the threshold. The income thresholds where this increase begins is $250,000 for married taxpayers fling jointly, $125,000 for married taxpayers filing separately, and $200,000 for all other taxpayers. Impact: Higher income working families. Surtax on Unearned Income - A new surtax called the Unearned Income Medicare Contribution Tax is imposed on the unearned income of individuals, estates, and trusts. For individuals, the surtax is 3.8% of the lesserof: The taxpayer’s net investment income or The excess of modified adjusted gross income over the threshold amount ($250,000 for a joint return or surviving spouse, $125,000 for a married individual filing a separate return, and $200,000 for all others.)
Visit www.irs.gov for more 2013 tax law changes
“Net” investment income is investment income reduced by allowable investment expenses. Investment income includes: Income from interest, dividends, annuities, royalties, rents (other than those derived from a trade or business), capital gains (other than those derived from a trade or business), trade or business income that is a passive activity with respect to the taxpayer, and trade or business income with respect to the trading of financial instruments or commodities.
For surtax
purposes, modified adjusted gross income doesn’t include excluded items such as interest on tax-exempt bonds, veterans’ benefits, and excluded gains from the sale of a principal residence. Impact: Higher income families. •Employer Health FLEX-Spending Plan Contributions Limited - In order for a health FSA to be a qualified benefit under a cafeteria plan, the maximum amount available for the reimbursement of incurred medical expenses of an employee, the employee’s dependents, and any other eligible beneficiaries with respect to the employee under the health FSA for a plan year (or other 12-month coverage period) cannot exceed $2,500. Impact: All taxpayers participating in health FSAs. •Medical Itemized Deductions Limited - The AGI threshold percentage for claiming medical expenses on a taxpayer’s Schedule A will be increased from 7.5% to 10%, which is the same as the current threshold percentage for alternative minimum tax (AMT) purposes. Individuals (and their spouses) age 65 (before close of year) and older will continue to use the 7.5% rate through 2016. Impact: Higher income taxpayers.
48
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
GET HELP! CONTACT A CRISIS CENTER NEAR YOU OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
49
speaking tall
conquerors of abuse
MISS CAMEROON USA 2010 FIGHTS AGAINST
BREAST IRONING IN CAMEROON 21 year old Ms. Cameroon USA 2010 is a United Nations junior ambassador,
for change she brought to the harmful practice of breast ironing in Cameroon. Rape is so prevalent in Cameroon that women resort to flattening the chests of their daughters in effort to make them less of a target. Cameroon mothers are extremely protective of their daughters and the family name. They would rather put their girls through the pain and degradation of breast ironing than face the shame of them becoming pregnant out of wedlock and disgrace to the family name. The mothers are convinced that they are
Miracle Edison also works with the homeless in Houston TX and is pursuing pharmacy as a career. To learn more about her and her causes, visit Miracle Edison on facebook.
doing their daughters good. A formal education and
girls with various issues as a result of having their breasts ironed.
a respectable career is worth the deformity and
The consequences of breast ironing are numerous and severe. Young
discomfort.
women are dying of breast cancer. Some girls will not develop breasts at all as their breasts have been ironed just when they started to grow. Most often
Breast ironing occurs when
girls will have huge painful lumps, scars for life and irreparable damage to
a mother will heat a hot
breast tissue. Not to mention the psychological devastation. “I have not
grinding stone over a fire
had my own breasts ironed but I have seen many who have. I’ve seen girls
or in a pot of boiling water
running out of their houses screaming in terror and pain and I’ve seen them
and mash a girl’s breast
lined up to get pain medication. I always knew something was wrong about
with it to flatten them. The
breast ironing as I would watch girls go through and it burned in my heart
idea is to make the girls
but I didn’t understand why it bothered me so much but it felt wrong to me.
less sexually attractive to
It burned in me and depressed me. When I had the opportunity to enter
men who think they are
the pageant I decided I would use that platform to draw attention to breast
ready for sex once they
ironing and stop it. I started speaking out in 2009 at age 18. Since then a law
start developing breasts.
was passed in Cameroon in 2011 against breast ironing. Momentum has
This
practice
built up on university campuses and organizations have taken up the cause.
has not reduced the rape
Many girls are now taking a stand and doing what they can to prevent this
incidences in Cameroon but
happening to them, some even run away from home. It is the education that
has turned out a number of
is needed to help stop this. It would be good for this magazine article to be
harmful
distributed in schools and places where young girls gather to help them and their parents see that this is wrong and now against the law. For
speaking
out
I’ve
received threats and mail and messages telling me to shut up about this and not to talk to the media about it, but I’ve received more emails and calls thanking me for bringing attention to their plight and for understanding what they are going through. I have friends who continually thank me for speaking on their behalf so I don’t worry about those who don’t want me to talk about it. But I will continue until it is no longer done anywhere in the world.” According to statistics from the United Nations Population Fund, one out of every four girls in Cameroon is a victim of breast ironing. That’s 3.8 million girls. The practice is most prevalent in the Christian and animist south of the country, where in some regions; half of the female population is subject to breast ironing. The damaging effects of this form of body mutilation by far outweigh any reasoning behind the practice. Fertilized by the culture of silence, breast ironing has made it right up to this age of scientific advancement. Many women have seen the benefits of educating their girl children.
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
51
speaking tall
conquerors of abuse
They are ready to do anything to prevent their daughters from teenage
even the complete disappearance of one or both breasts. Victims end up
pregnancy and early marriage that would bring an end to their daughters’
with marks, wrinkles, and black spots on their breasts.
education. This mutilation has proven to be futile when it comes to deterring teenage sexual activity and many of the girls still end up disfigured with
Like female genital mutilation, breast ironing violates the fundamental
teenage pregnancies.
rights of women and young girls—the right to health, physical integrity, and freedom from torture. Many mothers have preferred to destroy their
Breast ironing can be a source of excruciating pain and violates a young
daughters’ breasts than to face the embarrassment of talking about sex
girl’s physical integrity. A 25-year-old victim says she feels embarrassed
with the girls. As a result, the rate of premarital pregnancy is on the rise in
each time she is naked amongst her peers because her breast tissues
Cameroon (making up 30% of pregnancies according to local health care
are worn out like those of an old woman. “The thing is very much alive
workers) due to lack of sexual education.
everywhere, yet no one talks about it because it is done behind closed doors and kept as a secret between mothers and daughters. Not even the fathers
Worried and otherwise well–intentioned mothers have intensified the war
are usually aware of these acts,” she says.
against teenage sex by ironing, massaging, and pounding their breast to flatten them. “So long as it will not kill the girl, I will prefer the breast to be
Another victim of breast ironing, now an English teacher, says she grew up
deformed and have her go through her education without an unwanted
with a feeling of guilt about the sprouting of her breasts which happened at
pregnancy or the deadly HIV virus,” states one of the mothers. Most of the
the early age of 10. “Despite the ironing, pressing, and massaging with hot
mothers say their intent is not to inflict pain on their daughters but to protect
kitchen utensils, my breasts refused to flatten, making me an object of scorn
them from the taboo of teenage pregnancy. Where the mothers cannot
amongst my mates whose chests were still flat” she says.
stand the sight of their daughters in pain, there are often local women who serve as professional breast flatteners who exchange their services for palm
Medical experts say the developing tissues in the breasts are expanded
oil and wood. . . .
and destroyed by heat during the ironing. Research by the United Nations Population Fund reveals that breast ironing exposes girls to numerous
A recent nationwide campaign by the Network of Aunties Association,
health problems such as abscesses, cysts, itching, and discharge of milk.
(RENATA), a nongovernmental organization led by breast ironing victims,
There can be permanent damage to milk ducts, infection, and dissymmetry
involved radio and TV spots which discouraged women from inflicting breast
of the breasts, cancer, breast infections, severe fever, tissue damage, and
ironing on their daughters. Much still needs to be done to kill the culture
of silence; for so long as there is silence, no one
school dropouts amongst teenage girls. The psychological trauma that
can ever tell the full extent of harm done to little
accompanies the act usually makes it difficult for the girls to concentrate
girls in the secrecy of homes. According to gender
in school.
consultant Dr. Awa Magdalene these practices rob girls of the self confidence they need to assert
Think of a woman whose vagina is mutilated at the age of 9, whose breasts
themselves in society later on in life. A dual enemy
were ironed at the age of 10, and who dropped out of school at the age of 12
to women’s emancipation, breast ironing not only
due to psychological trauma from these practices, who was then forced into
inflicts pain, but prevents women from accepting
marriage at the age of 15, became a mother of six by age 23, was widowed
their bodies as normal human beings.
at 30, and was forced to undergo dehumanizing widowhood rituals. This woman will go through life regretting that she was born a woman, and will
These pubescent girls are children and ought to
never rejoice at the birth of a female in her family again.
benefit from children’s rights. Cameroon signed the Convention of the Rights of the Child, which was put in place in September
Any community which refuses to release its women from the bonds of
1990. According to Article 19 of the convention,”States parties shall take all
noxious cultural practices bars the way to development. The writing
appropriate legislative, administrative, social, and educational measures
on the wall is clear; nations which have taken the forefront in women’s
to protect the child from all forms of physical or mental violence, injury
emancipation are today enjoying the bliss of feminine initiatives. It is time
or abuse, neglect or negligent treatment, maltreatment or exploitation,
for Cameroon to join these nations.
including sexual abuse while in the care of parents(s), legal guardian(s) or any other person who has the care of the child.”
SOURCE: WORLD PULSE (LENIA)
As stated by the terms of this convention, which Cameroon ratified in 1993, the government has a legal responsibility to protect these girls from the
PHOTO :Radio Nederland Wereldomroep
injury and abuse of breast ironing. The perpetrators of this act are not in hiding. They can be found at any time, but nothing is ever done to them. Technically, victims of breast ironing are protected under national laws as well if it is medically proven that the breast has been damaged and if the case is reported within a few months of the damage. Unfortunately, no girl has ever been bold enough to report her mother to a court of law.
The Preamble of the Constitution of the Republic of Cameroon states, “human beings, without distinction of race, religion, belief, possess inalienable and sacred rights,” and Article 1(2) calls for equality of all citizens before the law. However, women and girls have unequal status in all spheres of life, and discriminatory administrative policies, practices, laws, cultural beliefs, and attitudes continue to curb women’s enjoyment of human rights. The more educated and exposed a woman is, the less likely she is to be convinced that such a brutal act as breast ironing can actually be a solution to the problem of teenage sex. Educated women understand the need for sex education and will rather counsel their girl children about their sexuality rather than mutilate their bodies. Unfortunately, girls’ education is yet to hit acceptable standards in the country. Ironically, breast ironing, which many mothers believe will help ensure their daughters’ education, has accounted for a good number of OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
53
• 90% of children from violent homes witness their fathers beating their mothers • 63 % of all boys, age 11-20, who commit murder, killed the man who was abusing their mother • Children in homes where violence occurs are physically abused or neglected 1500% more than the national average. • Research has shown that the more severe the mother is abused, the worse the child is abused. • Nationally, 75% of battered women say their children are physically or sexually abused. • Daughters of abused women are six times more likely to be abused than girls of non abusive families. • Research has shown that 13 of 20 incestuous fathers were also physically violent to their wives and family members. • More than half of the child abductions in this country occur in the context of domestic violence. • Approximately 3.3 million children witness domestic violence in their homes each year. Child victims of severe violence have two to four times higher rate of trouble making friends, temper tantrums, failing grades in school, problems at school and at home. Abused children are arrested by the police four times more than non abused children. Source:turningpointservices.org
54
OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
Mentality
Season
‘TIS THE TO BE MERRY Depression is not an option. Martin Henderson
a message to men
You see not all gifts cost a lot of money, if any money at all. Some of the best gifts are made from scratch, straight from the heart; which brings me to my lesson, men. The lesson isn’t some major algebraic equation – it’s actually quite the opposite. To beat the holiday blues remember this: The greatest gift you can give your child is love. The second gift is the gift of time. You spend time with what and who you love. Best of all those two gifts are free. So dads even if you have the money this holiday season, I encourage you to be creative, get your hands dirty and create something from your heart. The memory for your child(ren) as well as yourself will never be erased. For those men unable to spend time with your child(ren) this holiday season, simply be honest and explain it to them. Children are more forgiving and understanding than we are. Write your child a letter, give them a call, make a card – whatever you have to do to make sure they understand you love them. Your love isn’t measured by the number of gifts you buy, but by the love you give. ‘Tis the season to be merry. Depression is not an option. Be encouraged my friends.
Wow! Where has the year gone? It seems like just a few weeks ago we were celebrating the new year. So once again, millions are about to kick their minds and bodies into overdrive as the holiday season rapidly
Happy Holidays! Contributing writer, Martin Henderson is the executive director for Fatherhood Matters
approaches, causing themselves a great deal of stress and strain.
Incorporated and author of the book “Fatherhood: A Message to Men”. Henderson travels
Let’s face it, 2012 has not been a stellar year for the economy and job
go to www.fatherhoodmattersinc.com. 1.866.785.8911
as a motivational speaker educating and inspiring men across the country. For information
market. So your dollars (if there are any left) no longer have the buying power they once did. And for some of you men reading this, this is the very fact that will drive you into a deep depression – depressed because you can no longer provide the holidays for your children and family you once were accustomed to.
The greatest gift you can give your child is love. The second gift is the gift of time.
I am sure you are already aware of the problems that can occur once depression sets in. Problems such alcoholism, physical and mental abuse, drug addiction, obesity and a host of other issues that depression brings out of people – especially men. Men suffer and deal with depression differently than women in some instances. According to recent studies, finances have been the main source of depression for men in the past decade. During the holidays, I thoroughly understand what it feels like to want to shower your child(ren) with everything they want, yet you’re unable to. I too have been depressed because I could not provide a lot of fleeting material possessions to my children. I was only able to conquer the depression after my children shared with me a valuable lesson - a lesson I pondered on for quite some time; one that I share throughout the country when I speak. Depression usually rears its ugly head during the holidays when we lose sight of what the time is really about. The holidays are a time of giving, sharing and reflecting. The holidays are about spreading love and cheer; creating new memories that will last beyond any gift you could buy. OUTSPOKEN Magazine
www.outspokenmag.com
55
For many survivors of childhood abuse, the holidays can be a horrible time of year filled with anxiety and depression. This can occur for a variety of reasons. But the important thing is to be prepared, instead of allowing yourself to get blindsided by all of the cheer and festivities which surrounds you. Maybe childhood holidays were a tough time for you. Perhaps the holidays brought extended family members into your home, or your family members into theirs. Arguments might have been common – especially if alcohol or other drugs were a part of the celebrations. In these types of situations, it’s not uncommon for abuse to increase either during the ‘festivities’, or after the company has gone home. Maybe you were safe as long as extended
COPING WITH THE
HOLIDAYS
The holidays can be stressful for most everyone, and usually are more so for survivors of abuse.
family members were around. But once they left, you were alone with your abuser. Tempers which had perhaps been simmering all day finally come to a head, with one or both parents venting their anger on each other or upon the children. Perhaps the brunt of the anger fell upon your shoulders. As a child, you were trapped; you had no place to go – no escape. For many children who come from healthy homes, the holidays provide a chance to take a break from school, complete with slumber parties, sleeping-in, staying up late – having a great time with siblings and friends! Maybe holiday travel was involved, making the holidays a magical time of year. But for those who did not have that type of a childhood, the memories might be much bleaker. For many, the holidays provided more time at home — weeks around your abusive parent(s), without friends and caring teachers to offer you a reprieve from the reality of your life. You probably tried your best to stay quiet while at home – with the hopes of being out of sight and out of mind. But for many, no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t escape the wrath of your parents or other abusive family members. Although you may have learned to dissociate from your memories and the associated emotions during most of the year, it might be impossible to do so during the holidays. Seeing the Christmas decorations, hearing Christmas
carols playing in the malls and on the car radio, smelling freshly baked
Try not to do things out of guilt, just so others will be happy. Remember that
holiday cookies, seeing and smelling the pine trees and garland, and other
you deserve happiness and take the time to make that happen. If you try to
festive reminders of the season might be just enough to trigger all those old
do too much though, you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed. This is an
feelings of abandonment, even though you’ve managed to bury them during
important time to take care of you. Take the time to do those things which
the rest of the year.
are self-soothing and which bring you comfort and joy. You might get a new haircut, a manicure or a pedicure. A massage can be a wonderful way of
As an adult, many survivors find themselves thinking of the parents they
soothing yourself and releasing stress at the same time! Possibly lunch
wished they would have had – the parents they deserved. They often
and a movie with a friend, or spending time involved in your favorite activity
grieve the loss of what should have been and wonder why they couldn’t
or hobby can bring you relief from the stress of the holidays. Try to eat a
have been lucky enough to have grown up in a Norman Rockwell-type of
healthy diet, exercise regularly, and get plenty of rest. Try to avoid excessive
home. Especially if you’ve had to cut off from parents and/or other family
use of alcohol, as this can increase your depression and/or cause anger
members in order to survive, the holidays can be a difficult time to be
outbursts and other problems. As you have fun and spend time participating
without the parents you deserved. It’s important to allow yourself to grieve
in positive activities during the holidays, you will begin to replace some of
this loss, because it truly is a loss. A well trained therapist who deals with
the old, negative thoughts with new and enjoyable thoughts. This will allow
these issues can help you to resolve this grief and to move on over time.
you to build positive holiday memories.
But it’s a process and often a painful one at that. Give yourself time to heal and until you reach that point, try to offer yourself kindness and compassion.
The important thing is to be good to you and to not place impossible demands upon yourself. Allow yourself permission to spend time alone. Let
Even though it can be difficult to endure the holidays, it is not impossible.
yourself grieve the losses of your lifetime – from the childhood that wasn’t,
There are ways to survive the holidays in a healthier manner. Having a
to the adult life that still isn’t. Give yourself space from your abusers and
healthy support system is crucial! Maybe you have friends you’ve met at
don’t cave in to their guilt-inducing ways. Don’t make apologies for yourself,
work or in a support group. Maybe you’ve got a neighbor who is always
as you are doing your best and have no need to apologize. Realize that you
there when you need him or her. You don’t have to have a long list of good
do not have to be perfect, because you are good enough as you are! Do
friends, but just one really good friend. A true friend will be there for you
things which bring you comfort and joy. Give yourself permission to have a
no matter what. Possibly you have a sibling, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or
wonderful holiday season and to participate in the joy of it all. You truly do Reports reveal many victims to be assaulted before the age of 18
cousin who is emotionally healthy and can be a source of strength for you.
deserve it!
A therapist can also be a great source of support during the holidays. The key is to have someone (or several ‘some ones’) who are willing to listen and to validate your feelings. To be there, so that you don’t feel all alone and once more abandoned. If you feel that you must spend time with members of your family-of-origin, give yourself permission to limit the amount of time that you spend with them. There are no guidelines for what is considered to be an acceptable amount of time to spend with these family members during the holidays or any other time of the year. You are now an adult and you are in control of your schedule. Don’t spend excessive amounts of time with these family members, causing yourself to suffer because you are filled with guilt. Remember, these family members may not appreciate that you’ve began limiting the amount of time you spend with them. They may be bitter if you’ve gotten into therapy and are now setting limits with them. They may not appreciate that you are refusing to sweep the past under the rug. Their tendency will be to pull you back into your old role – to your old position in the dysfunctional family ‘mobile’. They will not want to accept that you have gotten healthier and are choosing to no longer hold that spot. But just because they try to pull you back in does not mean that you have to succumb. You are in control and can maintain your healthier boundaries. Because the holidays can be stressful for most everyone, and usually are more so for survivors, remember to take it easy during the holidays. Limit your time commitments to others and make choices which bring you joy.
SOURCE: GoodTherapy.org.
If your organization, city or church would like to host a showing of the movie, WOLF, please feel free to contact us at www.outspokenmagazine.org, walexander@ outspokenmagazine or outspokenmagazine on Facebook.