OUTSPOKEN THE VOICE FOR ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE
THE REALITIES OF THE AFTERMATH OF ABUSE
WOMEN ADDICTED TO PORNOGRAPHY
IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT
DIRTY GIRLS COME CLEAN
YOU CAN LET GO OF GUILT AND SHAME SUMMER 2013 $5.00 COMPLIMENTARY COPY
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Publisher Winsome Alexander Artistic Director Sarah Glinsmann Senior Photographer Scott Boden Contributing Photographers Carla Wallace-Lewis Mark Edwards Contributing Writers Kerry Gallagher Ronald Roseboro Sarah Burleton Katana Malone Rhett Hackett Columnists Dr. Howard Fradkin Martin Henderson Tracy Mitchell
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W i fi
W o m
W i T r
W u a t
W b
OUR MISSION
OUTSPOKEN
Julia Freeman-Woolpert
OUR MISSION
The truth is... child abuse does not end in childhood. The trauma can cause lifelong emotional damage. We believe the truth will make you free. We aim to increase awareness of the long-term, often lifelong effects of abuse. We believe in placing blame where it rightfully belongs; not for condemnation but for accountability, in effort to break the abuse cycle. Facing the truth of the abuse that happened is a most important first step towards recovery. We believe that every life has a purpose. The abused one who was cast aside, ridiculed and overlooked, as well as the abusers who might have acted out what was done to them, were all made for a good reason. We believe the purpose of each person is directly connected to the natural God-given gifts woven into the fibers of each of us when we were originally formed in secret in the image of God. Therefore, we strongly support using our gifts to help in the healing of battered emotions and recovery from life failures. We believe the gifts we were given will make room for us in the marketplace and will provide for us both spiritually and materially. We believe in the use of our gifts to glorify God, to bless others and to bring us prosperity. We believe the use of our gifts will help bring us back to our original self: the self that thrived before abuse interrupted our development. We believe anyone can accomplish great things with just a little support, and we believe we have been called to offer some of that support.
OUTSPOKEN Magazine SUMMER 2013
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OUTSPOKEN
CONTENTS
Contents
SUMMER 2013
COVER STORY 6 Real Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Page 30 Women addicted to pornography A growing epidemic Page 10 It Wasn’t Your Fault Page 14 Dirty Girls Come Clean Crystal Renaud Page 22
IN THIS ISSUE Outspeak .....................................................................Page 6 Winsome Revelations .......................................Page 7 Ask Dr. Fradkin ...................................................Page 18 Tell Your Story......................................................Page 30 Health & Wellness...........................................Page 42 Fatherhood Matters .......................................Page 44 Resources .............................Inside the Back Cover
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ON THE COVER: FROM LEFT, TREVA JOHNSON, SARAH BURLETON, WINSOME ALEXANDER, KATANA MALONE (PHOTOGRAPHER: TONY DELERME; MAKE-UP ARTIST: MARCIA MCKENZIE), RONALD ROSEBORO AND RHETT HACKETT. WANTED: ADVERTISING DIRECTOR TO BRING MORE SPONSORS TO OUTSPOKEN MAGAZINE. PLEASE SEE REQUIREMENTS ON PAGE 12 AND EMAIL WALEXANDER@OUTSPOKENMAGAZINE.ORG.
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OUTSPOKEN
OUTSPEAK
OUT peak
READERS TALK BACK
Courage to aspire Sister, the magazine was amazing! It made me think of things I went through and that I have been ashamed to talk about but which have caused problems in my marriage. Thank you for your courage and for publishing such a beautiful, quality magazine for us. OUTSPOKEN: Survivors have often been forced to accept second-rate or low-quality treatment or services. It is very important to us that we do our best to provide the highest-quality publication we can, so that survivors of abuse are reminded that they deserve and can aspire for the very best that life has to offer. The quality will continue to get better as our resources expand.
long emotional damage that requires intensive treatment to overcome.
Improving quality of life It is great that someone has the courage and insight to publish a magazine to bring attention to the plight of survivors of abuse. This should help improve the quality of life for all families. OUTSPOKEN: So many people can’t afford therapy or don’t know where to begin recovery efforts. This magazine is a great way to learn how to break the silence, tell your story and be in the company of others who understand. With OUTSPOKEN Magazine, you are never alone.
Get one for yourself
Amazed for us This magazine is so amazing! I’m sure glad there is a magazine for us and our issues. OUTSPOKEN: I think of adult survivors of child abuse as a forgotten segment of our society. We are expected to have gotten over the abuse and miraculously learn how to successfully manage our lives, just because we are now adults. OUTSPOKEN voices the fact that child abuse does not end in childhood and that the trauma can cause life-
How does one get a copy of this magazine? OUTSPOKEN: Glad you asked! You can subscribe to the digital version for free or subscribe for printed copies (4 issues) at $20.00 a year. If you have further questions, please call 713-445-6880. Readers Talk Back: To submit your questions, comments, suggestions or articles, email: walexander@outspokenmagazine.org
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We want to hear from you. Let us know how you feel about OUTSPOKEN Magazine. Send your comments, suggestions and questions to the editor. Email: walexander@outspokenmagazine.org
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SUMMER 2013
WINSOME REVELATIONS
OUTSPOKEN
Winsome Revelations From the Publisher find the love, affection or companionship we crave. These negative habits only leave us feeling worse about ourselves and will prolong our misery. To heal, we need effective reclamation tools. First, let’s admit we were in fact abused, whether verbally, physically, sexually, neglected or abandoned. Then we must tell our story to a trusted friend or relative or to a professional counselor. Even if we cannot afford counseling, many books are available for whatever our challenge or troublesome habits are. We can join or start a support group for survivors, volunteer at our local crisis center, help someone else, and do all we can do to get better. Let us pursue our healing with a vengeance! Let us take back what was robbed from us. We must try and try and try again until we regain control of who we are, without the help of pornography or drugs or insanity. No survivor is ever alone. OUTSPOKEN magazine was created for all survivors of abuse and we are here to help.
Winsome Alexander
Summer 2013
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et’s not continue destroying; let’s rebuild. There is no denying the many challenges faced by adults who were traumatized as children. Many of us have been left with a poor understanding of how to protect ourselves from harm or how to effectively respond to everyday stressors. We engage in reckless, self-destructive behaviors as our means of coping with overwhelming emotional turmoil. Often, sex addiction and pornography, drugs and alcohol, crime, violence and even suicide are the methods we use to attempt to feel better about ourselves or our situation. These methods don’t help. While they might ease the pressure temporarily, they don’t provide long term healing. Pornography won’t help us SUMMER 2013
Winsome Alexander Founder, ASCAR Centers Internatonal Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Recovery Centers OUTSPOKEN Magazine International, Inc. The Voice for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
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OUTSPOKEN
AND
LISTEN
It's Never Too Late to Get Help.
National sexual Assault Hotline
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FREE SAFE Confidential 24/7
1.800.656.HOPE www.rainn.org
OUTSPOKEN
Women Addicted to Pornography A study found that 17% of women describe themselves as ‘addicted’ to online porn
I
t was an ordinary weekday morning when Caroline first noticed how much pornography was taking over her life. With 15 minutes to go before she was due to leave for a job interview, she opened up her laptop to print off an extra copy of her CV and there, onscreen, was a grab she’d saved from pornhub.com. “I remember the feeling of being sucked in, really wanting that two-minute fix, that numbness I got when I used porn,” says Caroline. “I was stressed out, and I risked being late for my interview, but I pressed play anyway and fast-forwarded it to the bit I wanted. It took two minutes.” But the relief was to be short-lived. “Afterwards I just hated myself for giving in and getting off on images that treated women like pieces of meat. But I kept going back.” Although there is much debate about whether “porn addiction” even exists, Caroline, a 21-year-old English graduate, has just finished seeing a sex addiction therapist to help get her porn habit under control. Having started watching porn out of curiosity when it became available over the internet in her mid-teens, she and her mates used it as a graphic form of sex education. She saw nothing wrong with it, particularly as she was raised in a generation of girls for whom it was seen as hip and liberated to enjoy watching sex. Then, as she entered a depressed job market after university, it became a form of escape, a default she turned to whenever she felt anxious or bored. “I’d be stuck at home in front of my laptop on my own all day. I’d wake up with all these ideas for the day – and end up surfing for porn, trying to distract myself, eating and then going back for more porn. No one would ever have known. But I didn’t get much done. It was like a constant battle between my sexual urges and my self-control. I’d think to myself: ‘It’s not doing any harm.’ But then I started to loathe myself for giving in and wasting so much time on it.” Caroline is not alone. While it’s accepted that women are watching – and enjoying – porn more and more, it’s less recognised that some are also finding it hard to stop. At Quit Porn Addiction, the UK’s main porn counselling service, almost one in three clients are women struggling with their own porn use, says founder and counsellor Jason Dean. Two years ago, there were none.While more than six out of 10 women say they view web porn, one study in 2006 by the Internet Filter Review found that 17% of women describe themselves as “addicted”. Dean says: “I remember getting my first woman contacts about two years ago and thinking that was fairly unusual. Now I’m hearing from about 70 women a year who are coming for their own reasons, not because their male partners have a problem.” There is little difference in the way the genders become hooked, says Jason. There is the same pattern of exposure, addiction, and desensitisation to increasingly hardcore images. The main contrast between male and female porn addicts is how much more guilty women feel. “Porn
1 in 6 women use pornography See Page 13
“Porn addiction is seen as a man’s problem – and therefore not acceptable for women. There’s a real sense among women that it’s bad, dirty, wrong and they’re often unable to get beyond that.” Jason Dean, Quit Porn Addiction addiction is seen as a man’s problem – and therefore not acceptable for women,” says Dean. “There’s a real sense among women that it’s bad, dirty, wrong and they’re often unable to get beyond that.” Orgasm releases a dopamine-oxytocin high that has been compared to a heroin hit, and many regular users of internet porn report experiencing an almost trance-like effect that not only makes them feel oblivious to the world, but also gives them a sense of power that they don’t have in real life. “The PC becomes an erogenous zone. The more you keep trying to put porn out of your mind, the more it keeps popping back in. The brain then learns that porn is the only way to cope with anxiety.” Yet, what strikes you on the porn addiction websites is the real sense of despair and loneliness for the women who get caught up in it – and how early it starts. Many talk of a problem dating back to their early teens, before they’ve even had a relationship. One 19-year-old college student writes: “It started seriously when I was about 14, I stumbled across some pictures while doing homework.
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Because all I had typed into Google was ‘cream and sugar’, I knew my parents wouldn’t notice. I learnt all the ways round the parental controls, meticulously deleted my activities on the history and deleted the search engine entries every time.” Psychotherapist Phillip Hodson, of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy, says that in consulting rooms, the issue of woman habitually using porn “is something that has not been aired before. It’s something new that’s just beginning to surface . . . Traditionally women’s voices have been against porn. It’s seen as more of a male thing, because it’s men who are supposed to be visually stimulated. But that doesn’t mean that women aren’t. Men are just maybe more so.” Women who become regular users can suffer depression and low self-esteem because it can be hard to reconcile their enjoyment of porn with their intellectual dislike of seeing women used as sex objects. “Porn has an instant effect on the human body and mind and the psyche, even if you disapprove of what you are seeing . . . So women may find their body is saying yes, even though their mind may be saying no – and that can be upsetting.” But as porn becomes more pervasive, Hodson observes that women are now also using it as a quick way to have sex without emotional investment, just as men traditionally have. “For women, just as for men, the internet is able to satisfy that need in rather a raw, crude sense, quickly and easily. Why serenade someone and go through all the courtship rituals with another person when you have Google?” But it’s important not to turn lone use of porn into a catastrophe, adds Hodson. For many women, it’s a phase that will pass – either because they take stock, they realise it’s becoming a problem, it becomes boring – or their life fills up again with better alternatives.
SUMMER 2013
“I have a problem with the word addiction,” he says. “Sex is a very natural function – and what is an abnormal level of sex to have or to want? If a woman is taking two minutes to orgasm to porn, and she’s doing it, say, 10 times a day, that’s still only 20 minutes a day. “But if porn does become a habit that interferes in other areas, it might be an opportunity to take stock and realise there’s not enough happening in your life. Forgive yourself for being tempted and having a few orgasms. If it goes beyond that, there are people outside who can help.” The first support group in the US run for women by women was founded by Crystal Renaud, who also wrote a new book on women’s addiction to porn, called Dirty Girls Come Clean. A committed Christian, she first came across porn at the age of 11 in a magazine that belonged to her brother, and was addicted for eight years before she got her wake-up call when she arranged an anonymous hookup with a man she met over the net. Renaud recalls: “I had no friends. No passions. I had one mission and purpose in my life: pornography. Any way I could find it, I would. It didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing. Home, school, my friend’s houses, summer camp and yes, even church: my addiction came, too. “Porn. Masturbation. Cybersex. Webcam sex. Phone sex. Anything you could think up, I watched, experienced and enjoyed. No matter how many times I said I would stop, I would just keep doing it.” As a trained counsellor, Renaud now calls women’s addiction to pornography “widespread and silent”. In almost every case, the women she meets believe they are the only ones ever to have struggled with the issue. “Porn and sexual addiction has always been referred to as a man’s problem,” says Renaud. “But for women it’s an unspoken struggle. We have to give them the opportunity to say: ‘Me, too.’ ”
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OUTSPOKEN
1 in 6 women use pornography © Copyright 2013 The Washington Times, LLC
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esearchers have long known that the Internet has contributed to pornography addiction by making it so easily accessible — no need to go out in a raincoat, pull a hat down over the face, and sneak furtively into the red-light district. But that ease of access also has leveled the playing field between the sexes — men are known as the sexual risk-takers, after all — and psychologists and researchers have seen an increasing number of women becoming addicted to pornography on the Internet over the past 10 years. In 2003, Today’s Christian Woman found in a survey that one out of every six women, including Christians, acknowledged struggling with the same addiction. A 2006 survey released by Internet Filter Review showed that 17 percent of women said they struggled with pornography addiction and that one in three visitors to pornography sites were women. About 30 percent of Internet pornography consumers are women, according to the 2008 Internet Pornography Statistics. Psychologists and researchers attribute the increase to the Internet’s anonymity and safety. Now a woman needn’t sneak into the places good girls avoid. “Women can still become addicted to pornography in the same way that men do,” said Douglas Weiss, a licensed psychologist and executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs. “I do think that the partial reason for this is women becoming more intelligent about usage of the Internet — going online and chatting, developing relationships and acting out sexually.” Studies have shown that women find it easier to click a few buttons on the Internet to search for sexually alluring material. In the absence of a social context, pornography is more appealing to women because there are no social repercussions for using it. A 2006 Internet Filter Review poll found that 9.4 million women access adult websites each month, and 13 percent of women admit to accessing pornography at work. “The more pornography women use, the more likely they are to be victims of non-consensual sex,” said Mary Anne Layden, professor of sociology and women’s studies at Wheelock College in Boston. “The earlier the male starts using pornog-
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raphy, the more likely they are to be the perpetrators of non-consensual sex.” Men in general have always been considered the more visually stimulated of the two sexes. Before the advancements in technology, young women who wanted a sense of emotional gratification would live vicariously through romance novels. Young men would get some of their sexual gratification from photographs of scantily clad or nude women, or go to strip clubs.
Pornography is nothing new. However, with the introduction of the Internet, it has become much more accessible to people of all ages. Sex is the No. 1 topic for Internet searches, according to the Sexual Recovery Institute, and more than 1.3 million porn sites are available. The pornography revenue in the U.S., in 2006 alone, was approximately $13 billion. The pornography industry is also larger than the revenues of the top technology companies combined: Microsoft Corp., Google Inc., Amazon.com Inc., eBay Inc., Yahoo Inc., Apple Inc., Netflix Inc. and EarthLink. “Pornography is the drug of the millennium and more addictive than crack cocaine,” said Donna Rice Hughes, president of Enough Is Enough, a Virginia-based nonprofit that works to make the Internet safer for children and families. “[EIE‘s] goal is that there be as much protection online as there is offline.” Ninety percent of pornography addiction begins at home, Ms. Hughes said, adding that organizations like EIE can give families safeguards to help avoid addictions. With children becoming more technologically savvy, she said, “It is no longer a question of if they will come across porn, but when.” Science has shown that the brain reacts and takes in images in a certain way and can be detrimental in the developing mind of a child. When
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a man or woman becomes sexually aroused, the levels of endorphins and enkephalin in the prefrontal cortex are at their highest. Whatever a person visualizes at that point — real or imaginary — his or her body glues to, hungers for and craves, and the adrenal glands imprint that image on the mind. “If a man or woman ejaculates to pornography on a regular basis they will actually attach to sex as object relationships as opposed to intimate relationships,” Mr. Weiss said. “So they will actually hunger for object relationships, creating over time what we call intimacy anorexia.” Sex, in its ideal sense, is relational, and object sex does not fulfill the relational aspect of that, said Mr. Weiss. A person doesn’t get that full satiation, but gets a different kind of buzz with object sex because it’s a different kind of sex. With someone having to visualize that object in order to achieve sexual gratification, barriers are created, even at a young age, said Ms. Hughes. “If they’re an addict, they stop developing spiritually, relationally and morally, at the age of the onset of the addiction,” said Mr. Weiss. Pornography has become more interactive since leaking into other kinds of media and social networks. A “Campus Kiss and Tell” University and College Sex Survey in 2006 found that 87 percent of those students polled confessed to having virtual sex using mainly Instant Messenger, webcam and telephone. Christian women aren’t safe from the influence and addictive qualities of pornography, either. “I’m less and less surprised by it,” said Joshua Harris, author of the book “Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)” and pastor at Covenant Life Church in Maryland. “Seven years ago, when I was writing that book, I was so surprised at how many women struggle with lust as much as men do.” Many expectations and desires are set by society at an early age, which makes it easier for people to shrug off pornography as no big deal, Mr. Harris said. Pornographic material, under the Constitution, can be put into two categories: soft-core and hard-core. Hard-core pornography is prosecutable under the law. Organizations like EIE are fighting to save children, teens, and parents from porn addiction by trying to get it off the Internet, Ms. Hughes said. “If you don’t think you can fall into any kind of sexual temptation, you’re either godlier than David, wiser than Solomon, or stronger than Samson,” said Ms. Hughes.
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OUTSPOKEN
It’s not your fault You Can Let Go of Guilt and Shame
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OUTSPOKEN
By Melanie Bullock
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o move from victim to survivor is often a lengthy healing process. Unfortunately, many sexual abuse victims do not seek the emotional treatment that is needed to reclaim their lives. Promiscuity, harmful relationships, no relationships, substance abuse, hiding, or other damaging emotional or behavioral choices become unnecessary when one chooses therapeutic assistance. Addressing issues of trust, self-worth, safety, and control enable victims to make healthy choices. Self-blame is common among survivors of abuse and sexual assault. Guilt is a way that survivors try to regain control over an experience where they had no power or control. “I shouldn’t have…. been there, worn that, drank that, trusted… etc.” In reality, all the could-, should-, or would-haves used in the attempt to understand the trauma experienced will not give the control or solace so desperately sought. Why? Because, you are not responsible! It is the abuser/ perpetrator who is solely responsible for the assault. Unfortunately, guilt is intertwined with feelings of shame. Victims may not speak of what has happened to them out of fear that they won’t be believed or will be judged by others. adly they judge themselves and over time feelings of shame erode the person’s self-esteem. They may become angry, depressed, and withdrawn. A first step in resolving these feelings and resulting behaviors is to address the issue of guilt itself. While there is no right or wrong way to heal, it is recommended that you contact a competent compassionate therapist who understands the struggle victims of sexual abuse or assault face. Another resource would be to join a support group for survivors. Being among people who understand the feelings you are dealing with is vital in the healing process. You are not alone! If you are not ready to talk with others, you can find helpful web
Guilt is a way that survivors try to regain control over an experience where they had no power or control. but you are not responsible!
booKs Resurrection After Rape: A Guide to Transforming from Victim to Survivor – Matt Aikinson http://resurrectionafterrape.org/ RARFree.pdf – A free downloadable version of Resurrection After Rape After Silence: Rape & My Journey Back – Nancy Venable Raine Hush: Moving From Silence to Healing After Childhood Sexual Abuse – Nicole Braddock Bromley I Never Called It Rape: The Ms. Report on Recognizing, Fighting, and Surviving Date and Acquaintance Rape – Robin Warshaw The Courage to Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse – Laura Davis Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life After Boyhood Sexual Abuse – Richard B. Gartner Broken Boys / Mending Men: Recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse – Stephen D. Grubman-Black Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse – Mike Lew
continued on Page 16
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sites and books to help you begin the emotional recovery process. Keep in mind:
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Be kind and patient with yourself as you take the journey to recovery.
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Experience your emotions! Don’t ignore or deny them.
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Find ways to express your feelings in a healthy way.
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Be aware of the language you use. Let your words reflect the truth of your experience. For example: “I am learning not to say I was raped, but a man raped me. Grammatically, this is the difference between the passive and active voice. As I often tell my writing students, the active voice is preferred unless you are trying to hide responsibility.”
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Work on setting effective boundaries.
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Evaluate your relationships. Choose friends that are encouraging and empowering. Distance yourself from those that discount you or your experiences.
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Safety does not require you to withdraw from life. Take self-defense classes. Ask a friend or family member to join you when you venture out.
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Assess who owns the blame for the actual event. Think about the choices you made within the actual experience. Do not evaluate it from hindsight or what if’s or if onlys.
We live in a selfish world where some believe they are entitled to take what they want when they want it. They take through violence or betrayal of trust. “I also know that the people who victimized me wanted me to feel ashamed because this is how they could control me. Now I let them take every bit of blame for what happened and let myself off the hook. Why should I continue to suffer for their mistakes and cruelty is how I look at it.” T.B. Nothing you did or did not do provoked the assault. The assailant is responsible for the assault. Sexual assault is an act of aggression designed to dominate and humiliate in order to gain a sense of power. No one invites or deserves an assault. Whatever you did to survive was right and it worked: you survived. Do not let them convince you that you are at fault! Set yourself free by placing the blame where it lays. They have already stolen from you. Please do not let them steal another moment of your life!
Websites http://advocacycenter.syr.edu/students/ path-of-recovery/ http://www.aftersilence.org/aftermath.php http://www.rainn.org/get-information/ sexual-assault-recovery http://www.safehorizon.org/images/uploads/ misc/1272296041_After_Sexual_Assault_Bklt. pdf http://www.endthebacklog. org/?gclid=CLDor4yn6rcCFQdk7AodnQ8A8w
Chat Rooms http://stepchat.com/abuse/ http://www.survivorschat.com/ http://www.uaskdc.org/talk-someone/chat-online http://www.pandys.org/
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OUTSPOKEN
AN INVITATION TO HEAL – ASK DR. FRADKIN
Take Back Your Power An Invitation to Heal By Dr. Howard Fradkin
Q: How do you regain your manhood after being raped and regain your power after feeling powerless?
T
— Submitted by a 51-year-old Rastafarian from Jamaica
hank you for your question, and for your willingness to speak your truth about being raped. It is one of the primary ways you can regain your power, by being willing to speak your truth and refusing to let whomever violated you have power over your voice, your body and your soul. So congratulations on taking this first important step of breaking your silence. It in itself is an empowering act of courage and I applaud you. I have endeavored to read about your religious beliefs as a Rastafarian, and it feels important to say as a white psychologist who considers himself omni-spiritual, I could not begin to claim I can understand your religion and your traditions, even with study. A couple things that struck me as I read about your belief system is that the lion of Judah is an important symbol of your faith, and that black
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Challenge any beliefs that keep you loyal to dysfunction. empowerment is a key aspect of your beliefs as well. I understand that the wearing of dreadlocks, a hyper-masculine expression, is very common, too. It strikes me how much more difficult it is for a Rastafarian to be raped, with all of this expectation that you will be a powerful lion-like man who is supposed to be empowered and strong.
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AN INVITATION TO HEAL – ASK DR. FRADKIN Any time a man is raped, it is normal for his first reaction to feel disempowered and to believe that your masculinity has been taken from you. As I discuss in my book, Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive, one of the key aspects of recovery is learning to challenge any beliefs that keep you loyal to dysfunction and to dysfunctional people. Anyone who rapes another is a person who is by definition, dysfunctional — it is criminal and violent behavior to rape another. Rape victims are determined by the rapist to be vulnerable at the time of the attack. This does not mean they are a weak man; it does, however, mean that the rapist determined at the time of the rape that they could take advantage of the victim. So one part of taking back your power is refusing to blame yourself for an attack you could not have prevented. You could not have prevented it because the rapist had already determined you were in a vulnerable position — it could be something as simple as your back was turned; it could have been dark; you might have been in a relaxed state and not at all suspecting someone was about to violate you. I know it is tough to accept this, because as men we learn we are always supposed to be tough and strong, always ready for attack, and I suspect your religious traditions taught you likewise. But even these notions are lies that if you are strong, you can’t be raped. I know of men who have trained in martial arts who were victims of rape. Even men who serve in the armed forces and have undergone extensive physical training can be rape victims, often by men who have power over them in the armed services. In every case, the rapist takes advantage of some vulnerability that man is exhibiting at the moment of the rape. Another step to taking back your power is to ask for help, which again I understand is not a typical masculine action, but for rape survivors, it is a necessary action that will allow you to get the support you need so that you can become empowered and strong once more. Asking for help is an act of courage, just as you have done by asking this question today. It is highly likely in whatever culture or religious tradition you belong to, there are many other men who also are rape and sexual assault victims. And millions more outside of your culture and religious group, and many of these men are willing and able to help support you. You can find them in the chat rooms and bulletin boards at www.malesurvivor. org and also on the site, www.1in6.org. Even though you were powerless to stop the rape at the time, you are no longer powerless
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You are no longer powerless once you start seeking support and begin speaking your truth. It is important to find “green light people” who will be safe enough to tell your secret. once you start seeking this support and begin speaking your truth. It is important to find people who will support you, such as other survivors. In my book, I talk a lot about how to identify what I call “green light people” who may not be survivors, but who will be safe enough to tell your secret. Being loyal to functionality is another key aspect of recovery. In terms of masculinity, it will require you to broaden your definition of what makes a man masculine. You may have in the past thought that the rapist was more masculine than you because he succeeded at assaulting and hurting you. I encourage you to consider that assaulting someone less powerful and more vulnerable than you is an act of cowardice, not of strength and courage. If you can stop believing he (or she, as we also know that women can also rape men) was more masculine than you, this will go a long way toward helping you reclaim your real masculinity, exemplified by your courage to refuse to hold this secret in anymore. Best wishes as you continue to recover and heal. Throughout my book, I offer affirmations that you can repeat to yourself over and over, to replace the dysfunctional messages that keep us trapped. My suggested affirmation for you: I am a proud, empowered and courageous Rastafarian (and for other readers, substitute your identity here) man. Dr. Fradkin, author of Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive, published by Hay House, welcomes your questions. Questions are welcomed from both women and male survivors of sexual abuse, assault, and rape. If you have a
question for Dr. Fradkin, please submit to walexander@outspokenmagazine.org. About Dr. Fradkin: Dr. Fradkin was invited to speak as an expert on Oprah Winfrey’s historic two shows featuring 200 male survivors gathered together to offer hope and inspiration for the millions of survivors around the world in October 2010. Since then, he has also appeared on Dr. Phil, Gayle King, NPR, and various local media stations. Dr. Fradkin is the co-founder of Affirmations: A Center for Psychotherapy and Growth, in Columbus, OH. His expertise includes trauma recovery for men and women survivors, those struggling with depression and anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction and sex addiction, sexual orientation confusion and acceptance, people with HIV and AIDS, and group psychotherapy. Dr. Fradkin was one of the founding board members of MaleSurvivor, and currently serves as an Advisory Board Member. In 2010, Dr. Fradkin delivered the keynote address at the International MaleSurvivor Conference in New York City. He also served as President of MaleSurvivor and served on the Board of Directors for 6 years prior to developing the Weekends of Recovery program. He is the recipient along with the MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery Facilitator team of the Faye Honey Knopp award by MaleSurvivor, the highest award given to recognize outstanding service in the field. Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive is his first book, and he is excited to share his wisdom, the wisdom of the alumni of the Weekends, and our facilitator team, for all survivors, their allies, families and the healing community.
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Dr. Howard Fradkin Joining Forces
Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive Foreward by Tyler Perry
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Speaking tall
Indeed, by providing these bridges with any survivor who is different than ourselves, we further our own healing too. For instance, for the Weekends of Recovery, we have established a men of color scholarship fund to make it financially possible to attend a weekend. OUTSPOKEN: Another thing I learned from the book is that sexual molestation is not a sexual experience; it is a violation. That was empowering! Dr. Fradkin: I encourage survivors to listen carefully to the words they use to describe the acts done to them. I use the example of men who say, “I had sex with my mother...or my coach…or my uncle…” That is a lie: sex is a consensual act engaged in by two people capable of giving consent. Another related statement is “it happened to me when I was…”. Again, molestation is a choice a person with power and authority over a victim makes to hurt them and betray them. Hurricanes and tsunamis happen; not sexual victimization of any kind.
Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive is an inspirational book written to empower male survivors of sexual abuse and assault at any age to develop skills they can use to overcome the effects of their trauma and learn to thrive in their lives.
OUTSPOKEN: Wow! I cannot emphasize enough how grateful I am that you have given us of your time and expertise. You have certainly touched my life as you have touched and will continue to touch thousands around the world. May God continue to Bless and Prosper you in doing the work He has purposed for you to do. Thank you for giving the community of survivors and our allies, Joining Forces, which apparently, not only empowers male survivors but females as well. Thank You.
Dani Simmonds
Dr. Fradkin: Thank you for this incredible honor and gift. I offer you Blessings in return, knowing that the more of us there are doing this work, the more the world can heal. And to each of you who has joined us in this conversation, thank you, and I hope you will find the healing and support you deserve.
OUTSPOKEN: Dr. Fradkin, as a female survivor of abuse, I want you to know that you are a major encounter on my personal healing journey. One of the most important things you are doing is actually validating my walk, my work, my passion. You represent hope for me to continue reaching multitudes of survivors and with this book, Joining Forces, you have provided another tool for me to use in doing that.
D
We are proud to have sexua Fradkin, join forces with OU Dare to Ask. Males or fem childhood are welcome to a where to find help, therapies If you have a question for walexander@outspokenmag
Dr. Charles Whitfield writes for many cases of mental illn mental illness and the effects they treated: jointly or separa
Dr. Fradkin: I am honored, Winsome, to be walking with you, and deeply appreciate your trust; and honor all you are doing to passionately pursue the goal of reaching multitudes. I look forward to joining forces with you!
Dr. Fradkin: There are certa and indeed, childhood abus some forms of mental illness not have adequate resource abuse, they can then develo who is sexually abused is tr offender, but many are. Tho but can include Post-Traum psychological trauma. We ar the neurobiology of trauma, trauma, leading to later ps when traumatized, we get s knows few avenues for surviv Treatment for trauma and concurrently, and it takes a careful assessment to he address both any existing m the consequences of abuse a
OUTSPOKEN: I’ve personalized some of the questions because I want readers to connect with me as a real life survivor. I hope I’m speaking for them, for us and getting questions answered on behalf of all of us. As one of your silence breakers said, too many survivors have never seen the face of another survivor.
Find it now at: www.malesurvivor.org/bookstore.html (Benefiting MaleSurvivor) Hay House Amazon Barnes and Noble
Dr. Fradkin: Yes, I have found repeatedly in my work that survivors live in isolation, and believe that living that way is protective. The problem is it keeps them separated from healing energy that could empower them to move forward and learn to thrive. I truly believe that healing is best done in community, by joining forces especially with other survivors, and with anyone who will provide support and understanding. OUTSPOKEN: You speak to us about the rewards of going public with our stories. In November 2008, I actually completed my memoire, titled: OUTSPOKEN: How the secrets I never told until now almost destroyed me. My book tells of the countless dysfunctional, self-destructive methods I unknowingly used to survive. It’s yet unpublished. Although, I speak on occasion and I’ve published bits of my own story, I am only now ready to go the next step and publish the book. So yes, Joining Forces does empower. It not only addresses the problem of abuse, it doesn’t simply explore the problem. It provides accessible self help tools that do work to take survivors to greater dimensions of self-awareness and power to heal.
One important aspect of trea is to help them to understand lives, and especially to help th symptoms and reactions are Unfortunately, sometimes illnesses when a better unde they are behaving in the wa abuse done to them. Unless therapist, and unless the the the right time in therapy, the not get dealt with in therap survivors to seek out experien www.malesurvivor.org has a to remember that it will be i order for your therapist to and difficulties.
Dr. Fradkin: I am excited you feel ready to make your story known to the world, and I look forward to the day when I can read your book too. Each time a survivor dares to dream that she or he could take the risk to be public, they are in most cases met with incredible support, and report they can thrive even more in their lives with the burden of shame lifted. As I say in the book, I am not advocating that every survivor should be public; however, I know that the Silence Breakers have reported how empowered they have been with Joining Forces being published.
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Spring 2013
OUTSPOKEN
SPEAKING TALL: CONQUERORS OF ABUSE
Dirty Girls Come Clean with Author Crystal Renaud Post-Porn Addiction
Kerry Ann Gallagher of OUTSPOKEN Magazine speaks to Crystal Renaud, author of Dirty Girls Come Clean, on overcoming pornography and her inspiration for writing the book. Crystal is now a counselor for other women obsessed with porn. OUTSPOKEN MAGAZINE: It appears in many of the stories in your book there was what seems to be a lack of sex education in the first place, which made many of the women seek out other avenues of getting that knowledge. If we were to re-vamp our approach to how we go about sex education with early teens, are there any suggestions you might have? A: I think the issue is bigger than sex education. I think the issue begins at home and it begins at a very early age. Parents need to begin speaking with their children about sexuality, in particular biblical sexuality, beginning as young as even the age of five. There’s a great series of books called, “God’s Design for Sex” and it is all based on age-appropriate conversations with kids about sex. That sex is a beautiful God-created thing. When kids are armed with correct information, when they are faced with something that is contrary like pornography, they will know it and they will more often than not turn away. If we allow children to learn about sex from the world, not only will they get a very watered down version of what sex is and what it’s supposed to be, it will also be a perverted description as told by their friends (who don’t know anything either) and the media. O: Was there any form of abuse in your household that you may re-call growing up that may have led you down this path? A: While I didn’t experience any sort of physical or sexual abuse in my household, I certainly had what you would consider emotional abandonment from both of my parents beginning at around the age of 8. Whether it was because my dad traveled for a living or because of my mom’s struggles with clinical depression, I did find myself having to fend for myself in a lot of ways and through that, pornography and other sexual outlets certainly provided emotional support for me. It obviously wasn’t healthy, but it was a replacement for what I should have been receiving at home.
O: Do you believe in such a thing as an “addictive” personality or simply if a behavior is repeated often enough it will soon become addictive?
A: I do believe there is such a thing as an addictive personality. I am learning quite a bit about that in my studies now. There are predispositions in a lot of families through genetics. I have seen that in my own family, not my immediate family necessarily, but in my mother’s parents and other aunts and uncles where addiction to alcohol or drugs has been prevalent. But I also think that a repeated behavior like you were saying can cause that to happen as well. We also repeat what we have seen. O: Do you think your close and intimate relationship with God was a major aide in your decision to seek help and start the recovery process? A: I absolutely believe that having a relationship with God was a major aide in ultimately seeking help and starting recovery. Without that, I would not have been at church; I would not have been at any sort of Christian/church social event where I met my friend who shared with me her pornography addiction story. I am certain I would not have been inclined to change as easily. I do believe that God provides those sorts of divine interventions and divine appointments and without my having had Him in my life I don’t know where I would be today. O: Based on the cultural trend pattern of more sexually aggressive women, do you foresee the number of women addicted to pornography rising? A: With 40% of Internet porn traffic generated by women, we are already seeing the number of women addicted to pornography on the rise. But that’s just online. That’s not including porn in the written form, whether it is mild romance novels or something more significant like Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s becoming a cultural norm for women to possess sexually aggressive behavior and a sexually aggressive approach to relationships. Where in a man that is particularly common, it’s becoming even more common in women today. You see a lot more pornography being created for women and even by women. Women who are becoming the producers in creating content specifically geared towards women and so I think that without help, without ministries and organizations discussing the issue, we will only see it continue to rise. O: Based on your experience with the women you have come in contact with, what would you say are possible warning signals a woman might look for in deciding whether or not she may be dealing with a pornography addiction?
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OUTSPOKEN
A: I’m of the opinion that the whole mantra of “once an addict, always an addict” is the furthest from the truth. You do not have to wear the label of an addict for the rest of your life. I fully believe God can restore and heal all things and make us into new creations. I do not think that we have to worry about always being an addict, always having to worry about a trigger, always having to worry that you’re going to end up acting out again. After true healing takes place, you can experience a tremendous kind of freedom. And I do know that you can have a very, very fulfilling sex life with your spouse and nothing about your past addiction(s) will have to stand in the way of that. O: Why do you feel it is important for people to read your book? A: I feel it’s important for people to read my book because it is a topic that is not widely addressed, but is a topic that is greatly affecting women today. I think anybody, regardless of gender and regardless of addiction history, should read the book for a special insight into this very secret world. It’s important that church leaders and Christian leaders understand that there are women in there areas of influence that are in need of help and perhaps this book is a source they can use to help them.
CRYSTAL RENAUD A: With any addiction, whether it’s to alcohol or drugs or even cutting, you can begin to see the warning signs that it is becoming a problem very early on. The first step in AA of course is admitting you have a problem and to know that you have a problem is to know you’ve become powerless over the substance. I ask women who say, ‘I’m not sure I’m addicted’ if they can go a week without it and if they can’t, that’s a telling sign that they have a problem. O: What do you have to say to people who have previously labeled you as an anti-feminist? What in your definition is a strong independent woman? A: I actually wrote a brief chapter in my book about this idea that my platform makes me anti-feminist. But I would have to argue that I am one of the biggest feminists there could be. What kind precedent or what kind of example are we setting for girls and women that it’s okay to victimize and exploit people for our own pleasure and selfish needs? Pornography is not something that just affects the person watching, but it’s affecting the people on the screen. Pornography is all about supply and demand. When there is a demand, then somehow there has to be a supply. And we are seeing that supply now being produced by human trafficking. These are real people, not actors. People are not performing on the screen necessarily because they want to but because they are forced to or they have no other options. They may smile, they may look like they’re enjoying themselves, but if you get to the ugly underbelly of the porn industry you will see that they are nothing more than victims themselves. And I do not think that it is feminist in any sort of degree to allow that sort of thing to continue. My definition of a strong, independent woman is someone who thinks for herself and when seeing injustice taking place she does something about it. O: In your opinion, after overcoming pornography addiction, is it possible to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with a partner and not be tempted to seek out pornography again? Meaning, many addictions have triggers, could the act of having sex in itself be a trigger?
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O: What does your ministry Dirty Girls Ministries, have to offer women who are dealing with a pornography addiction? A: Dirty Girls Ministries offers women several different things. We have a unique online community of nearly 1,700 women who are engaged in a kind of community they have never experienced before. A community of women with like-minded issues. It gives them an outlet to share their story, to receive encouragement, to receive prayer and most importantly they receive accountability and receive the kind of grace that Christ died for us to be able to have. It gives them the opportunity to come clean and to say to someone else, “Hey, I have a problem but I’m not content with staying where I am and I want to move forward.” We also provide support group in various cities around the country as well as online. And we have our online conference on Sept 7th. We consider it a great honor to walk alongside women and reassure them that you can have a very freeing, satisfying life without this burden over your head. O: What advice do you have for a young woman seeking out a church home for the first time? A: This is a tough question but you want to be in a church where it’s safe to be you. Find a church that has philosophy of recovery and who come alongside men AND women who may be facing challenges in their lives and who aren’t afraid to tackle tough subject matters. While there is a big hole in the Church community as a whole when it comes to sexual sin issues and working through addictions, there are wonderful churches that offer Celebrate Recovery and other types of recovery groups. I recommend finding a church that provides these sorts of resources. It means they understand that people have hang-ups and they have the grace enough to provide help. Speaking Tall: Conquerors of Abuse – We want to celebrate those who have bravely opened up, told their stories, sought help, done the work and have overcome the vestiges of abuse. We honor them for caring enough to become an example so you too can overcome. You too can heal and live like you were meant to.
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Today’s Children, Tomorrow’s Future Preventing Child Abuse
Everyone can make a difference in the life of a child: • Be a nurturing parent and seek help if you need it. • Support other parents in times of stress. • Pay attention to the care of all children and report suspected abuse. • Help strengthen your community by getting involved with agencies that support children and families. • Volunteer for or donate to child abuse prevention efforts.
Preventing Child Abuse... We Can Succeed!
(217) 522-1129 | www.preventchildabuseillinois.org
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10 WAYS TO
BE
A
BETTER
DIGITAL CITIZEN
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Know your intention; what are you looking for when you log on? Attention, approval, appreciation or inclusion? Be yourself; don’t focus on the persona you are trying to maintain. Be yourself and communicate from the heart.
OUTSPOKEN
Youth SUMMER 2013
What is “Sexting”?
Always ask yourself this question, “Is this post going to harm anyone?”
“Sexting” refers to sending a text message with pictures of children or teens that are inappropriate, naked or engaged in sexual acts.
Offer random posts of kindness.
Enjoy the moment; experience whatever activity you may be doing at the present moment in its entirety. Don’t overlap sharing it right away on FB or Twitter in your present moment, it can wait until later. Enjoy your “real” time out with your friends or family.
6 7 8 9 10
Reasons you shouldn’t “Sext”.
Try not to let all your Social Media alerts interrupt your day.
Respond thoughtfully to other people’s post. Limit your cell phone access so you don’t miss out on what’s in front of you. You don’t “need” to catch up on everything. Enjoy Social Media.
✘
Your own pictures can be used as blackmail against you.
✘
You no longer have control over those images and they can be forwarded to others.
✘ ✘ ✘
Your picture could possibly end up on a porn site if they get into the wrong hands.
If you’re under 18 years old, it could be considered as Child Pornography in a court of law.
It is a prelude to sexual activity, which you may not be physically or emotionally ready to handle.
PHOTO BY BINA SVEDA; MODEl: HEATHER HUGHES
#knowyourrights
OUTSPOKEN
Youth
social smarts
by Joellyn “Joey” Sargent
To Teens, Tweens and the People Who Love Them: It’s Time to Get “Social Smarts” I normally blog on business issues, but something happened at my house yesterday that compelled me to write this post. Please share it with the people in your life who use social media. Everyone needs some social smarts.
Dear Friend, We haven’t met yet IRL (in real life), but I’ve seen you online and…
we need to talk.
You are growing up in a world where privacy is an old-fashioned concept. Almost everything you do is recorded, watched or monitored somehow. We have cameras on our computers and cell phones, in stores, parks and on the highway. We check in on Facebook and Foursquare and whatever other check-in app you choose. Your phone goes everywhere you go, and the GPS on you phone always knows where you are. Invasion of privacy used to mean my brother read my diary or the teacher intercepted a note about a cute guy and read it in front of the class. Times sure have changed. Maybe you’ve been on social media since before you were born. (Did your mom or dad post those ultrasound pics on Facebook or MySpace or Flikr? I thought so.) Your whole life is there. Yes, this is your world. It seems normal, I’m sure, because you’ve never known anything else. Maybe that’s why you don’t think twice before posting that crazy video on You Tube, or using those words (yes, the dirty ones
that make your mother blush) on Twitter, and “OMG, did she really say that to him on Facebook?” You’re in a relationship with social media and “It’s Complicated.” Most of your parents don’t get it. (Sorry parents, it’s true.) Well, let me tell you the hard truth that you don’t like to think about:
People are watching. That creepy guy at the mall? Yep, he’s online and he can read your Twitter stream. That jerk you wish you never met? He can Google you and get your life story in a flash.
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#tellsomeone Yes, Google indexes your Facebook feeds and your tweets and lots of other things you forget about 5 minutes after you post them. The Internet never forgets. I heard on the news that the FCC (people who set the rules for the Internet) have decided it’s OK for people to do social media background checks. That means that 10 or 15 years from now when you apply for that really cool job that you’ve been dreaming about since your were, oh, the age you are right now, the people thinking about hiring you can pull up all those old message you forgot about and WOW…won’t they be surprised?
Is that what you want for your future you? What about right now? Would you stand up in front of a million people today and do that sexy dance or act like an idiot or talk about how you drank too much when you weren’t old enough to drink at all? Really? 1,000,000 people? What about 1,000 people? Or even 15 people? Probably not. Well, tweet about it and you have the power to reach a lot more than 1 million people.
PEOPLE. YOU. DON’T. KNOW.
Just because you don’t see them doesn’t mean they aren’t out there. They are. Ask former Rep. Weiner. Or Gilbert Gottfried. Lots of people saw their messages, and look where it got them. It’s not a secret. Maybe your mom and dad don’t know you are on Twitter. You went behind their back and created that account, so no one will ever know SUMMER 2013
except the 1579 friends you’ve collected on Facebook (including the ones you’ve never met). How many of those people are who they say they are? You can be anyone you want to be online, right? Do you really know your “friends”? My point is that you need to be CAREFUL online. I’m not that old, but the world sure has changed since I was a kid. People used to talk about being “street smart,” which meant that you knew a thing or two about life and weren’t likely to be taken advantage of or do something that could get you in trouble – and I mean real trouble, not just the kind where you get grounded for a week or have your phone taken away.
The new “street smart” is “social smarts.” There’s way more trouble online, just waiting for you if you’re careless. And you might not see it coming. I’m not trying to scare you, but
wake up.
Protect your privacy online. Be careful what you post. Think twice. Would you want your grandma to see that? Then it probably shouldn’t be online. It’s really hard to undo social media mistakes. Mom and Dad can’t bail you out. You can’t buy your way back from a bad reputation. Poor judgment will follow you, because the Internet never forgets and yes, people are watching. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of social media. It’s a great tool for sharing, communicating and staying in touch. But any tool, when it’s misused, can create a lot of damage. Don’t let that happen to you. Have fun, but be careful out there. Please.
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Youth
What is Cyber bullying? Cyber bullying is the use of technology to harass, threaten, embarrass or target another person. On-line threats, rude texts and mean tweets, posts or messages all count. Basically, anything that gets posted on-line with the intention to hurt.
Steps to take if you or someone you know is a victim of Cyber bullying. ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔
Tell someone. Walk away…in digital terms Resist the urge to respond Report bullying to your service provider; Facebook has a “Find Help” button which allows you to report bullying.
#speakup ✔ ✔
Block or Un-friend the bully Younger kids can learn to identify bullying behavior on an application known as “Professor Garfield Cyber bullying.”
Just For Kids 8 Social Media Sites Just For Kids Under 13:
Dizeo
Giant Hello
Your Sphere
My Secret Circle
Scuttle Pad
Skid-e Kids
What’s What
Togetherville
OUTSPOKEN Youth: Preserving the originality of our youth - Let us take the time to train our children to develop good habits and use sound judgement. Let us not neglect the emotional, physical and spiritual needs of our children. Let us reach out to our communities for help with our children before they go to jail, drop out of school, join gangs, develop mental illness, have unwanted children or commit suicide.
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OUTSPOKEN
TELL YOUR STORY
Survivors
6 Real Adult of child abuse
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OUTSPOKEN
TELL YOUR STORY
Vote for your favorite survivor!
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urvivors come from all walks of life and are each at various stages of recovery. Some of us are prospering nicely, some thriving and some yet to begin the journey to healing. Using a reality TV like concept, we wanted to educate you, our readers on the ongoing challenges and triumphs of abuse survivors. We will never mislead you into thinking we don’t still have struggles, but we hope to also assure you that you can heal and that you can do so at your own pace. In this groundbreaking REALITY MAGAZINE event, we invite you to learn the realities of the aftermath of child abuse, by following six real adult survivors for a year. Learn what drives us, and how we cope What will you win for voting? Cash? with everyday ups and Jewelry? Shoes? A fabulous downs similar to yours. professional photo shoot? Because we are not tryA recliner? A pair of lamps? ing to be superstars, we can afford to be candid Vote today and find out next issue! about our weaknesses Guidelines: The 10th person to vote for the most popular but we won’t hesitate to Voting survivor of the quarter wins a surprise gift. No one is excluded… sing our own praises ei- only one entry per person. Voting deadline August 31, 2013. ther because we want to Email your vote to walexander@outspokenmagazine.org. encourage you to do the same. We want you to learn to celebrate even your smallest accomplishments despite the pain you must endure to survive and prosper. Subscribe to OUTSPOKEN Magazine to keep up with our lives. Tune in every quarter to see what happens next in this real life editorial drama. As you get to know each character, you have a chance to decide who is most like you, plus, you get to vote for your favorite survivor and possibly win a special prize. To submit your feedback, questions and comments about Real Survivors of Child Abuse, contact us at walexander@outspokenmagazine.org. Happy reading and voting and we hope this helps. SUMMER 2013
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TELL YOUR STORY
Winsome Alexander Knock Knock ... Who’s There? I have a responsibility to speak out and provide an opportunity for others to speak up because silence is our enemy.
Mark C. Edwards/ MARKED IMPRESSIONS PHOTOGRAPHY
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o there I was laid off again. Like the previous employers, these were also kind about it. They said it was due to an external audit and because of my age, the arrow fell right on my name…yeah right! It was three thirty a.m. a few nights prior that I had sent an email to the director asking for help…mistake. Well, maybe it wasn’t a mistake. He figured to put me out of my misery, by devising a gentle way of ‘letting me go.’ I often reflect on that fateful outcry and feel betrayed, but maybe if they had kept me on and gotten me the kind of help I had asked for, I would not have been forced to take personal stock of my reality. There wouldn’t have been time to begin asking myself the questions, would not have the breakthrough that awakened my calling that precipitated the healing journey that has led me to where I am today. The journey began following a frantic phone call to a friend amid a panic attack. “I fear I am going crazy,” I moaned. My friend listened patiently, and then asked for permission to speak. “Woman of God, you are not going crazy! You are responding naturally to all the trauma of your past which started with your mother.” At the end of that conversation, answers to internal questions flooded my consciousness and a foundation for the book I yearned to write since childhood was established. The ti-
SUMMER 2013
OUTSPOKEN
TELL YOUR STORY
I am charged with purpose and my daily activities are connected to the substance of my legacy. I don’t wear masks habitually anymore. I’m no longer afraid of my reflection, or who I am. Nor am I afraid of my future because I have learned that I am in charge. So, who’s there? It’s me, Winsome Alexander. tle of the book had been revealed to me a few years prior but the context of the memoire had remained unclear. The book would address such questions as, why was I failing? I’m smart, intelligent, and talented. Why do I keep stumbling? What am I to do with these great, haunting hopes and dreams that won’t leave me alone? Why can’t I hold on to a job? Why do I keep moving every few months? Why the instability, why the strange behaviors? Then it dawned on me that my adult behaviors were directly linked to childhood experiences. And then I became angry; I wanted my life back. The realization that I had been robbed of the essence of me made me gave birth to a determination to not let the violators win. With that, Outspoken: How the Secrets I Never Told Until Now Almost Destroyed Me, was completed in 6 months! I figured out what was wrong with my life, but I didn’t know where to begin repairing the damage nor where to go for help. The book revealed myriad unresolved issues that were sabotaging my personal development and holding me back from my dreams. It did something more than that. It made me realize that there must be millions of other adult
SUMMER 2013
survivors in a similar crisis. To my mind, that was an explanation for the chaos in our communities. Drug use, school drop outs, under achievements, mental illness, crime, and suicides must surely often be linked to child abuse. It seemed like something had to be done to bring awareness to the lifelong effects of child abuse on adults and it seemed like we as a nation had to begin paying attention and making changes to help adults recover from the trauma and it seemed like I was being called to lead this movement. But how? And then as if audible, I heard, ‘A magazine.’ Looking around swiftly to see where the word came from and quickly realizing there was no one in the room but me, I asked…’A magazine? What the heck do I know about publishing a magazine? Now here I am, founder of Outspoken Magazine: The Voice for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. With the magazine I am determined to provide a platform for survivors to tell their stories so they know they are not alone. Survivors can support each other and we can come together to increase awareness of how abuse affects society on the whole while providing resources for healing. I’ve learned that it is still, a major challenge for us to regard abuse as a community issue. We
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still don’t want to deal with the subject and we still hesitate to talk about it. Posts on Facebook bring no comments. Some fb friends even express annoyance. The church and their hesitation to delve into the effects of abuse and I often stand alone in my mission but I cannot be silenced because abuse continues in alarming proportions every second. I have a responsibility to speak out and provide an opportunity for others to speak up because in matters of abuse, silence is our enemy. No longer am I lost and misguided. I am charged with purpose and my daily activities are connected to the substance of my legacy. I don’t wear masks habitually anymore. I’m no longer afraid of my reflection, or who I am. Nor am I afraid of my future because I have learned that I am in charge. Who’s there? It’s me, Winsome Alexander.
To subscribe to OUTSPOKEN Magazine, go to www.outspokenmagazine.org
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OUTSPOKEN
TELL YOUR STORY
rHeTT HACKeTT
Humanity Preservation
H
I came back with more than just myself from that weekend of recovery. I came back with the need to speak out.
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ave you ever seen videos of people who gain their hearing back and what it is like for them to hear for the first time? How about a person that has never seen the ocean and then takes that step onto the sand and looks beyond it, seeing the water that expands as far as the eye can see? Finally – what about snow and watching someone experience that for the first time? In all three of these cases they are all filled with amazement, wonder, and joy! That “hardto-imagine feeling” moment, when a person realizes that something has always been there but the opportunity to experience it has never happened. That is the best way that I can describe how I felt after coming to the realization that the possession of shame, as a result of my child sexual abuse, wasn’t mine to bear and never was. When I attended a weekend of recovery through Malesurvivor.org 3 years ago, it is how I gained this perspective and I came home a completely different person. Seeing and feeling things very differently and an appreciation for life that can’t be measured but can only be stated with such gratitude. The understanding that the horrible things that happened to me beginning at age 12 I cannot change, but I most certainly have the power to change the future. I own that and what I choose to do with it is mine. I continue to feel this way and also have the understanding that there are some affects from my abuse that will remain with me forever. That doesn’t consume me and I am grateful for the life that I live and the opportunities that have been given to me. You see, I came back with more then just myself from that weekend of recovery. I came back with the need to speak out because there are hundreds of others that are living with the burden of shame because they too were a victim of child sexual abuse and they still think they did something wrong. There are hundreds that have not been abused, that are still pure, and their lives are about to take a dramatic change because they haven’t been educated to
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protect themselves from abuse. That is why my passion is speaking out to the public, to tell my story, help people heal and to educate so that others are protected. I have done an array television and radio interviews, and public speaking events at corporations, law enforcement, and educational institutions. Most recently I had the honor of speaking to 1st year medical students at the University of Penn. It was a highlight in my efforts because it will help to educate an amazing force of people that will be on the front line of protecting people. On May 2, 2013 I was presented with an award presented to me by The Philadelphia Children’s Alliance. It was given to me for my efforts in supporting their work in handling the forensic interviews of child sex abuse cases in Philadelphia. I certainly never set out to receive any awards. I really just wanted to do the best I could to help others and protect children. It was my opportunity to do what I am encouraging others to do and that is preserve humanity. It starts with preserving our greatest natural resource, our children. It’s time we reevaluate how we are not just valuing our children, but how we value ourselves. It is time for us to take on a new position and treat the human race with the respect that it deserves. That is why I am proud to announce the start of a foundation that myself and another person will be launching; The Humanity Preservation Foundation. What I can tell you is to stay tuned and watch as this miraculous foundation unfolds with the sole purpose of helping people that have had to suffer at the hands of inhumane acts. In the meantime, I will continue to speak out. I will continue to enjoy my life to the fullest. I love my family, I love to cook, and I love to hang out with my friends. That is what life is about and we all deserve to be provided the same opportunities. It is what we are born with and we should be able to live with it maintained forever, preserved. Simply put it’s an exercise in humanity preservation and we can do it.
SUMMER 2013
OUTSPOKEN
TELL YOUR STORY
ronAld roseBoro
Master of His Destiny
I
am learning to become the master of my destiny rather than the victim of my circumstance. However, this is a daily reminder and a challenging call to action. Oftentimes I have trigger moments when a situation will “remind me” of a past violation, and it is very easy for me to go into a re-trauma mode. An example of this is my current place of employment. I have been with my company for nine years. When I began my journey with the company it was like heaven. It was a privately owned family company that operated in a spirit of excellence and immense love of God. The former management were people Standing of integrity, equalfor freedom ity, and they treatand justice ed their employees with dignity and comes with a respect. Bonussacrifice. es and other acts of kindness were Life is too constant tokens of short to be in their appreciation bondage. and they granted promotions to all No weapon qualified candiformed against dates. God’s children However, when will prosper. my company was sold to a larger corporation things rapidly changed. The kind, just, and God-fearing management was suddenly replaced by a hostile and unjust regime of mean-spirited dictators. As a result I found myself being racially discriminated against. After my civil rights were blatantly violated I decided to file charges against them through EEOC. Needless to say that once I stood up for my rights all hell broke loose. The anger and resentment from management burned mightily against me in the form of harassment, retaliation, lying on me to produce a falsified written
Lessons I’ve learned
SUMMER 2013
reprimand, and laying daily traps for me. Nevertheless, by the grace of God I still stand. Two and a half years later EEOC concluded that according to my case they were in complete agreement with me concerning that my civil rights were indeed violated under federal law.
The Last Few Months I am still working at my job. I am still under unexplainable pressure and daily trauma from management in hopes that I will quit. I am still
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standing!!! I am still rejoicing in my soon victory over injustice and violation. Fighting against injustice is not only for me, but rather for all of my fellow employees who have been violated and are too afraid to break the silence.
Today’s Outlook I am currently writing my 2nd book as well as a book of poetry. I have received several invitations to speak. And I am pursuing becoming an entrepreneur to do for myself.
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OUTSPOKEN
TELL YOUR STORY
TreVA JoHnson
K
Hispoet
A
s I sat in my boyfriend’s mother’s truck crying my eyes out, I knew that something had to change in my life. I was in an abusive relationship with an insanely jealous man, no money, no future with three children and miserable about my life. I had been arrested because I stabbed this man in order to protect myself and no one wanted to hear my side of the story, no one cared about my cry or my situation. His mother would come and bring me to the grocery store because we had no working vehicle. While I sat in that truck his mother told me something that day that would change my life forever, she said, “Read Psalms chapter 25; read the whole Bible but make sure you read chapter 25 daily.” So daily I would read that passage until my tears soaked the pages of that Bible and this began the road to the major metamorphosis that was to take place in my life. This was in 2006 and after that year my life would never be the same. I ended up getting on five year’s probation for the assault and I finally got away from that relationship once and for all. When I was given my sentence all I could remember was a bitter feeling and salty tears because I thought I had become a primary victim of a blatant injustice due to the fact that I was a black woman in the south. Little did I know that this was God’s ultimate plan to show me how to be still and know that He and only He is God. About 3 years before crisis in my life transpired I had began to write poetry again. I used to write when I was a child but it was a hobby I had put away but when during my 26th year on this earth I began to pick it up again. My first poem was a short piece about my abuse called “Sad, Sad Tale” and it was about the molestation I suffered as a little girl by the hands of my eldest brother. This poem unleashed an untamed animal that had been locked away inside of me for many years, in fact this poem unleashed the true poet that lived inside of me. During my probationary period I was able to write some very profound pieces and I was the
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This poem unleashed the true poet that lived inside of me.
self acclaimed Queen J, poet from the streets. I would write about the gritty realities that people faced each and every day of their life. I would perform at the local jazz spot called “Suga’s” and that’s where I would eventually find my voice as a spoken word artist. While on probation many things were transpiring in my life, I stopped smoking weed and popping pills by 2007, I stopped smoking cigarettes by 2008 and my life was going in a serious direction towards God. I was finally able to see through the anger of being on probation and how my life was changing for the better because of it. Throughout the course of my probation so many things happened good and bad that I could not possibly name them all but one of the most memorable one was meeting the love of my life and losing him the next year in Galveston. His name was Jerone Kemp and I started dating him Thanksgiving Day 2007. I had finally met a man who was a loving and so good to me in every way. He loved my children as his own and loved me deeply, we were to be married on June 27 2008. On June 14, 2008 we were at the beach on
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a family outing with many family members and friends. My son began to drown in the beach and Jerone went after him, well to make a long story short Jerone saved my son Thomas by making sure his feet was on solid ground and Jerone was caught up by the rip tide and drowned. I don’t really want to go into great detail because this still is very painful but I love that man and I will forever be grateful of what he did for us. Well my life totally belonged to God by this point and in 2010 God changed my name to Hispoet, He told me from his own mouth that was to be my new name because I would speak his words. Since then my life has been going at such a pace that even I can’t keep up at times. When I became Hispoet I began to reach new heights in everything I did and God began to bless me in so many ways that it may be unbelievable to some. I got off probation in 2011 and since then I have written and finished my collection of poetry titled So It Is Written, The Spirit of Inspiration, and spoken in hundreds of venues in various cities. My passion with my writing is to help anyone who has been through such situations as mine to find their purpose and to know and understand that through God they can conquer anything standing in their way and be the person that God has purposed them to be. I am looking forward to where else God will take me in this journey, I do plan to travel abroad and work on several projects before it’s all over. I am currently working on two novels and have taken on a project of great importance that I know God Himself has instructed me in. I am thankful to be Treva Hispoet Johnson, a woman who through trials and tribulation has made it to my next level, and is preparing herself to go to the next.
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OUTSPOKEN
TELL YOUR STORY
KATAnA mAlone
A Real Survivor
T
hey say you never really know who you are until you go through a few things. Experience some things. I was curious when that would be. With all the things I have endured in my life, the abuse, the pain, the feelings of seclusion. I was always trapped in my own mind... the only place I felt free. Safe. Twenty-seven years later, I am still learning; however, now I understand that who I am really, is beyond what I thought. How is it that someone who watched her father wreak havoc on his scared wife and four daughters, would now love him more? See him as nothing more than a lost soul in need of more help than the ones he abused. I am on a path far different than what I had expected. With the things I have endured, I should be overcome with hatred. But I am not. I will not conform to the mainstream thought process that I should be vindictive, vengeful, or angry. Instead, the light that is burning within me, wants nothing more than to feel and share love with any and all who are willing to be taken away from the dark. There are times when I still retract into old thoughts and remember old pains... but through those feelings, which I embrace, I write. I act. I sing. I release the feelings in an artistic route. I have found that so many people feel and know what I have gone through, yet they cannot find ways to release. I am lucky to have found so many gateways. Why not delve into some character role in a local movie who fights for the rights of women? Why not sing a song that, when written, was painful, but when sung, illuminated beauty? On one end of life, I am a sister, daughter, friend and mother. I work operations in one of South Florida’s largest disability law firms (helping others as much as I can), and I waitress from
The light that is burning within me wants nothing more than to feel and share love.
SUMMER 2013
time to time at a very prominent hot spot in South Florida. On the other end, I am a fashionista, actress, musician, and writer. I love what I do and I live to be and make others happy. I am a survivor. And not in the sense of a pop song. Or in the sense of a war.
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I am a survivor of the abuse that I allowed to linger for far too many years. I am a survivor of pain, conformity, lies, seclusion... I am and will be a much stronger than what any one person would assume. I am free. I am whole. I am love. And I am light. I am a child of God and a believer in greatness. I am a survivor.
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OUTSPOKEN
TELL YOUR STORY
sArAH BUrleTon My Audience is Not My Mother
W
riting a book about my childhood abuse was one of the most difficult things I have ever done; or so I thought. The success of my child abuse story, Why Me, thrust a difficult topic back into the spotlight, a topic most people want to ignore but are curious about. While the attention from being on the bestseller lists, in magazines, and in internet articles was amazing, what has really changed my life is being a spokesperson for Prevent Child Abuse Illinois. I have been terrified my entire life of public speaking and before every speech I would give in high school or college I was normally doubled over the nearest trash can heaving up the contents of my last meal. By the time I would get to the podium to give a presentation, I was already so nervous that the speech would be a disaster. During my speeches I fidgeted, tapped my foot, stammered, and would always say “um” way too much. It wasn’t a pretty picture and my grade usually suffered for it. I could never calm myself down because I was so terrified of being judged and made fun of by my teachers or classmates. My own mother thought I was garbage and incapable of doing anything right; why would my classmates, all of whom were basically strangers to me, think any differently? So when a representative from PCA Illinois met with me and discussed the possibility of me conducting workshops and giving speeches about child abuse, I immediately got nauseous. Writing about my child abuse was one thing; standing in front of people and talking about it was another. I already was a terrible public speaker because of my own self-image and the voice of my mother echoing in my head; how in the world could I conduct a workshop in front of hundreds of people talking about the very thing that made me the way I was? But for some reason, I didn’t want to let this sweet lady from PCA Illinois down. I could see the passion she has for her job in her eyes and I could see that she truly thought that I would be able to help bring attention to an ignored and overlooked issue. I couldn’t say no, I couldn’t let my fear of speaking in public stop me from
38
Writing about my child
abuse was one thing; standing in front of people and talking about it was another.
helping the very kids I am trying so desperately to save. So I said yes and for the past three months I have been conducting workshops all around Central Illinois for social workers, teachers, law enforcement officials, Child Protective Service investigators, and daycare workers. The night before my very first workshop I thought I was going to die. My nerves were shot, my head was pounding, I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was standing in front of strangers talking about mom, talking about the abuse, and seeing the reactions on their faces as I told my story. I was terrified that the audience would roll their eyes, call me a liar, and laugh me off of the stage. Like I said, it’s one thing to write about the abuse, it’s another to talk about it. So I emailed my friend Paul Gilmartin and vented to him all of my fears, my worries and my concerns about my upcoming workshop the next day. And Paul read my three-page-long email and sent me back a one line response: The audience is already on your side. They are not your mother. That simple response completely changed my outlook on my new journey as a spokesperson. He was right, that was my fear, my ultimate fear
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was that every person in that audience was Mom and was sitting there, just waiting for me to mess up and say something wrong so she could mock me and make me feel like a complete failure. I was projecting what mom would do and how mom would act onto every person in that audience, and that wasn’t going to be fair to my audience or to me. The people who were going to be attending my workshop were there because they wanted to stop people like mom and they wanted to help kids like me. If I continued to think that everyone was going to treat me like mom did, then I was also going to lose a valuable opportunity to spread my message of strength over adversity. The workshops are going great, I’m doing more and more and they are getting bigger and bigger. I don’t go out and stand on stage and give statistics about child abuse and talk about reporting procedures. I stand in front of everyone and talk about my abusive childhood, signs that were missed, and the effects child abuse has had on me as an adult. And at the end of every workshop I have an open discussion with the audience and we spend a great deal of time figuring out how we can all work together to establish trust with children and the best options for abused children. Is it scary? Of course, it’s hard for anyone to stand up and talk about something so personal, especially to so many people. But it’s necessary for me to do this and after the first hour, it isn’t so bad! I have my largest conferences yet starting in the fall and I can’t wait to share my experiences with all of you!
SUMMER 2013
You don’t see bullying like this every day. Your kids do. Teach your kids how to
be more than a bystander. Learn how at
StopBullying.gov
OUTSPOKEN
Read
Where Is My Baby: Featuring a Conversation Among Babies in Heaven... By Winsome Alexander • Ever wonder what side of the pro-choice/ pro-life debate aborted babies are on? • Ever wonder if aborted babies have regrets? • Ever heard a would-be mother apologize to her aborted babies? • And domestic violence; what would possess a man to beat his woman in her pregnancy? Get this book for a $10.00 donation from www.outspokenmagazine.org or call 713-445-6880.
“Though the title ‘Why Me?’ suggests self-pity, the book is not a cry for pity but more about the author’s success in spite of her traumatic childhood.” - Indiereader.com Sarah Burleton’s first book, Why Me, chronicles the abuse she experienced at the hands of her mother throughout her childhood. She has made it her life’s goal to get her story out to the world and to become an ambassador to children who are experiencing the same.
• A New York Times Bestseller for 26 weeks! • USA Today Bestseller • Wall Street Journal Bestseller 40
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SUMMER 2013
OUTSPOKEN
HEALTH & WELLNESS
a Raw Deal with melody Williams
(3 John 2) Beloved, I wish above all things that you prosper and be in good health, even as your soul prospers.
m
any of us recoil at the thought of eating raw but raw foods expert Melody Williams is convinced that we don’t have to. Melody was introduced to raw eating by a friend several years ago. So dramatic was the increase in her energy level that she has been hooked ever since. Her journey began with a 60-day raw foods challenge and has evolved to a complete lifestyle adaptation. Her passion to help the rest of us live healthier, happier pain free and disease free lives has led to the release of her first book, Raw Inspirations. Raw Inspirations is a beautiful gift book of delicious recipes and easy-to-prepare dishes made of live fruits vegetables, herbs and nuts. The raw chili recipe (on the next page) is taken from page 4 of her book. Raw Inspirations is available on her web site for $10 at www.melodysrawinspirations.com. “We do not have to be sick, and it is not God’s fault when we do fall ill,” says Melody. “It is pointless to pray to God for healing when we will not eat the natural foods He created for us to keep us healthy but keep putting bad foods into our bodies,” she says. “This would be like praying for a job but refusing to complete an application. “Rather, we can pray for knowledge on how to properly fuel our bodies,” Melody says. “We need to be proactive when it comes to our health. “When we get sick we run to the doctors who give us drugs instead of telling us to get off the PF&J (Processed Foods and Junk) and change the way we eat,” she says. “Drugs will not heal our bodies and there is no diet that will do what eating healthy does for us,” Melody adds. “It is no secret that processed foods harm our bodies. Skip the PF&J and add the RF&J (Raw foods and Juicing).”
Have a wonderful day Love, Melody 42
Kick off your raw foods transition with a 21-day detox program provided on Melody’s website. www.melodysrawinspirations.com www.outspokenmagazine.org
SUMMER 2013
HEALTH & WELLNESS
Mokelle Hines Studio 414
OUTSPOKEN
I Can’t Believe It’s Raw Chili Texas says it has the best chili, hands down. But that was until raw chili came around! I love all the wonderful advantages of raw food, and one of my favorites is the reduced clean up time in the kitchen. That’s right! No more scrubbing and soaking pots and pans; you’ll just rinse, wipe and put away. Now, some people say that a disadvantage of eating raw is that these healthy organic foods can be expensive. However, think of it as an investment in your health. The healthier you are, the less likely your need to go to the doctor, which will be far more expensive than eating raw.
Ingredients: 1 Portabella mushroom ½ red bell pepper 2 roma tomatoes 1 avocado 2 veggie sausages* SUMMER 2013
3 cloves of garlic 1 tsp of sea salt 1 tbsp of chili powder 1 tsp of cumin 1 tsp of chili chipotle powder ½ jalapeno pepper (remove seeds) 1 tbsp of olive oil Juice of one lemon
Directions: Chop all ingredients, place in bowl and stir then serve. *I use Smart Sausages Mexican Chipotle, available at Kroger, Whole Foods and the DeKalb Farmers Market.
To contact Melody for a raw foods consultation or to purchase her book, Email: goraw@melodysrawinspirations.com Health & Wellness (Physical, Spiritual, Financial) — For many adult survivors of child abuse, most of the bad things have stopped happening; but they don’t know how to make the good begin to happen. Adults may need as much nurturing as children at times. Since many of us were not taught basic life management skills, we offer training and tips on how to regain control of your life by looking after your body, soul and spirit.
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OUTSPOKEN
FATHERHOOD MATTERS
Fathers, daughters and pornography Fatherhood Matters By Martin Henderson
H
appy Summer, everyone! Welcome back to the column this month. I am sure this is the time of year most of you have been looking forward to. The kids are out of school, family vacations are near, just a fun time. My desire is that you all have a safe and fun time this season. Fathers, remember that your time with your children is priceless. You do not have to spend a lot of money, however you MUST spend time. The word “time” rings loud to me this month due to my recent study about a topic that until recently has been somewhat taboo: Women and Pornography. Fathers, as you read on, you will discover why your time and guidance is important, especially those of you with daughters. The fact is, an estimated 40 percent of internet pornography is viewed by women and, in a 2010 study, 19 percent of women surveyed self-identified as addicted to internet porn. Thirteen percent of women surveyed admitted to watching porn at the office. Now some may say, “Well men watch it all the time, so what’s the big deal?” The difference is men and women’s brains are wired differently. Recent studies show that a lot of women enjoy porn, yet most of those that do have not had a healthy relationship with their own fathers. Therefore, this leads to some females seeking guidance and direction from other sources, one source being pornography.Women are looking towards pornography for answers these
You must show your daughters how a real man should treat a woman. One way you do that is by treating her mother with the utmost respect, no matter what.
44 www.outspokenmagazine.org
days. They want to understand what it is a man likes in hopes that that THING he likes will keep him around. So what you have now is a woman using sex as a tool to keep a relationship together or enter into a relationship for that matter. Now you have a young lady who is engaged in sexual promiscuity, which has the potential to ruin her life or at the least slow her down. Part of this problem is due to dads not teaching their daughters about healthy relationships. I say this in lectures all the time: “The best example given is one seen!” Fathers, you must show your daughters how a real man should treat a woman. One way you do that is by treating her mother with the utmost respect, no matter what you have been through with her. If you and the mother of your child are separated, it is STILL your duty to treat her in a manner in which you would want
SUMMER 2013
FATHERHOOD MATTERS
OUTSPOKEN
ADRIAN YEE
s
I say this in lectures all the time: ‘The best example given is one seen!’ Show your daughter what to look for in a man as well as what not to accept. someone to treat your daughter. Dads, you must date your daughters. Take your daughter out to the movies and hold open her doors. Show her what to look for in a man
SUMMER 2013
as well as what not to accept. If we had more men doing these things we would have far less emotionally scarred women amongst us.
We could really get deep with this topic, however, I just want to shed light on a topic that is often looked over or swept under the rug, so to speak. Dads, you are needed! Take care of “Daddy’s little girl!” Remember you are the first man your daughter will love, or you will be the first one to break her heart! Have a great summer! Spend that quality time. Time is what makes a difference in the lives of our children. Contributing writer Martin Henderson is the executive director for Fatherhood Matters, Incorporated, and author of the book Fatherhood: A Message to Men. Henderson travels as a motivational speaker educating and inspiring men across the country. For information go to www. fatherhoodmattersinc.com. 1.866.785.8911
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10.5 in. 10.0 in.
7.875 in. 7.0 in.
A childhood only lasts 6,570 days.
Take time to
be a dad today.
Call 877-4DAD411 or visit www.fatherhood.gov
OUTSPOKEN
GET PUBLISHED! Write for OUTSPOKEN Magazine and make a difference. Take a stand against abuse and help change someone’s life today! Submit your essays, poems, and stories to OUTSPOKEN Magazine. Email:
walexander@ outspokenmagazine.org
SUMMER 2013
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January 2012
RESOURCES
OUTSPOKEN
Resources Help Is Available
Adult Survivors of Child Abuse www.ascasupport.org www.naasca.org
Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse www.malesurvivor.org www.1in6.org
Child Abuse www.childabuse.org
Mental Health/Illness www.nami.org www.nmha.org
Eating Disorders www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
Pornography Addiction www.pornographyaddiction.com
Drug Addiction www.treatmentalternatives.com/GetHelp www.drugabuse.gov www.ncadd.org
Self Esteem www.self-esteem-experts.com
Homelessness www.hhs.gov/homeless Hunger www.wfp.org/hunger Kleptomania www.healthinmind.com
Self Injury www.vicitmsofcrime.org www.selfinjury.com Sex Addiction www.saa-recovery.org Sexual Assault www.rainn.org Stalking www.stalkingawarenessmonth.org
To list your organization, call 713.445.6880 or email walexander@outspokenmagazine.org
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