Let Go and Choose Yourself

Let Go and Choose Yourself

written by Jessica Humphrey illustration by Carmen Ngo, layout by Shay Suban

It has been four years since I stopped talking to my mother, and this decision has increased my health, confidence, and success. Though my mother had her suspicions, I was closeted when I cut her off from my life. However, for years beforehand, her drug addictions had amplified her homophobia, and I internalized much of it. The abuse was almost always directed at me rather than at my father and sister.

Before joining queer spaces online and in person, I never knew just how common it was to excommunicate a phobic family member or friend for the sake of one’s happiness and safety. To escape prejudiced judgment, non-acceptance, and/or abuse, a valid way of dealing with toxic relationships is by ending them.Even though the action is often criticized as selfish, it should be celebrated as a courageous act of self-protection and self-love.

Because it helped me (and still helps me) to hear from others who have gone through similar experiences, I asked fellow queer people about their decisions to cut people off.

Even though the action is often criticized as selfish, it should be celebrated as a courageous act of self-protection and self-love.

Jasper M., a UCLA freshman and fellow OutWrite writer, shares their experience with a close friend: “I ended my friendship with someone because ever since I became more open about my queerness several years into our relationship, he shunned, mocked, and disrespected me repeatedly…Instead of allowing him to continue to hurt me with his transphobia, I stopped speaking to him and found myself far better off.”

Michael Moffatt, another OutWrite writer and UCLA sophomore, ended his relationship with his father: “Halting communication with my dad has been overall better for my mental health. I don’t feel obligated to answer drunk phone calls in the middle of the night or respond to cryptic guiltridden texts at 2 a.m.”

Dahn Zafar, an OutWrite photographer, distanced himself from his family for years: “Well, my mom expressed one day five years ago that she really was not down with the transgender cause and supported the death penalty on homosexuals, so I was like, okay, well guess I gotta sever this relationship so that leaving is easier on me when I’m older!”

Panda Webb, a twenty-two-year-old who works at FedEx, moved out of his parent’s house to escape abuse and the policing of his queerness: “Since I left, I have been forming more positive patterns, have not actively self-harmed and am working towards piecing a life together. Honestly, I’m genuinely happy for the first time in longer than I can remember.”

While it is amazing to recognize the selfimprovement that comes with ending harmful relationships, it is also critical to address the self-doubt and difficulties that inevitably follow. Feelings of regret, anger, and resentment must be battled. Cutting a person off can also turn into a repeated action of self-advocacyif the other person does not accept the decision, continues to find ways to be abusive, and is supported by other people who feel they have the right to judge and offer their opinions.

Michael feels pressure from other relatives, saying, “sometimes I feel guilty, like my choice to cut [my father] from my life has contributed to his self-destruction.” Personally, I can relate because I frequently feel responsible for my mother’s relapses.

Dahn mentions how his best friend criticized him for “caring more about myself than my parents” and notes, “I don’t think I’ve met anyone who walks away from that decision unscathed.”

Panda deals with “disconnectedness and loneliness from ‘no longer having parents,’” especially “during holidays or when people ask about them.” Haunted by a sense of regret, Panda is also burdened with feeling that he should just endure abuse, so that he’d still have a family.

Discontinuing relationships with abusive and phobic people can be a brave prioritization of selflove, but it is often wrongly judged as giving up or being heartless. People who make this decision face considerable backlash and ignorance, which proves the unfortunate reality that it takes considerable strength to stand up for oneself in our society. It is also important to respect that the choice to reconcile is an option for some. Dahn has decided to reconnect with his family and wait for understanding and acceptance. “We’re figuring each other out while we both realize that we’re different, but can still have a good time together. Eventually yeah, I expect to be accepted. But if I’m not, I’ll know that it wasn’t because I wasn’t a dope dude. Cause I think I’m pretty dope. And I think my family is starting to think so too. So that’s where we’re at right now.”

Jasper urges us to remember that “if someone consistently demonstrates that they do not respect your identity and autonomy as a person, you are completely valid in ending the relationship.”

Michael reiterates, “relationships are a two-way road. Steps and effort must be made from both sides. Thus, balance must be achieved in order to reconcile. If this isn’t possible, you must shield yourself to such toxicity.”