uncomfortability Written by Erica Chang
I’m Chinese Hawaiian American. I was born in California, but grew up in a small rural town in eastern Washington that remains predominantly conservative and white. I knew I was different when I was outnumbered on the playground. There were far more of them with pale skin, blond hair, and blue eyes compared to my tan skin, dark hair, and smaller dark eyes. Yet, I could still keep up with them. I could run laps around the playground, be a champion at tetherball, and jump rope through the whole Cinderella chant “Cinderella dressed in yellow, went upstairs to kiss her fellow. Made a mistake and kissed a snake. How many doctors did it take? 1,2,3,4,5…” I remember feeling some kind of way in high school when we had to do a project where we had to make and bring food that represented our ethnicity. I stood alone with some sweet and sour meatballs and white rice while the other kids grouped together, laughing as they gobbled up their pasta and German sausag-
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es and French baguettes. It went on for about an hour until the bell rang.
darker than theirs. When I told them they were correct in their assumption, they would start speaking I studied English Litera- Mandarin “Ni hao”. “I don’t ture and Creative Writing speak Mandarin” I would as an undergrad while flip- respond “But, I understand ping burgers at a fast-food some Cantonese” conjoint and simultaneously vincingly. Not convincing working as a Residential enough when they realized Assistant at a Japanese I knew enough keywords, women’s university. I grew but not enough to hold my accustomed to taking on own in a five-minute conmultiple tasks, switching versation, often stopping. from one thing to anoth- Often apologizing that I er, trying to save a burger didn’t know. Apologizing from burning to a student that I couldn’t continue. who might have felt a bit “Ah, you’re American. Ok.” homesick. A year later, I moved back After undergrad, not to the States. I went to grad knowing anything about school in San Francisco Korean history, I moved with the intention to study to Seoul, South Korea to post colonial literature teach English at a private and quickly veered to foschool. I was able to travel cus on trauma, testimony, across the DMZ to North and memoir. I was hooked Korea and to neighboring on these topics after readcountries as well. This op- ing a book where the main portunity opened my eyes protagonist is struggling to to new experiences, new remember her experience cultures, and being around of moving to the States, people who looked like me, documenting her mothbut who were not always er’s thoughts, and piecing the same ethnicity as I together their memories. I was. Some Koreans would remember there was a lot assume that I was Chi- of discussion of prioritizing nese because my skin was experience and emotions,
