Legacy Arts | Issue 12 | October 2017

ISSUE 12 | PARAGONROAD.COM

Legacy Mistakes Crucial Elements Most Estate Plans Miss

+ LAURA A. ROSER EXPLAINS WHY YOUR NON-FINANCIAL RESOURCES, SUCH AS CHARACTER AND INTELLECTUAL ASSETS, ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT FOR YOUR ESTATE PLAN AS FINANCIAL RESOURCES ARE

Create Your Unique Path + AUTHOR, PROFESSOR, AND PUBLISHING COACH FLORA MORRIS BROWN TEACHES HOW TO EMPOWER YOURSELF THROUGH STORY

Small Things, Big Difference + BOB HARRIS TRAVELS THE GLOBE, FINDS HOW ALIKE PEOPLE ARE, AND DISCOVERS SMALL THINGS IMPACT PEOPLE FOR GOOD

Contents

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6

22

Note from the Editor

Are You Making These Mistakes?

8Â

Mother Muse

Poet Leslie Clark Reflects on Her Mother’s Legacy

10

Tell Me A Story Author Donna Jo Napoli Inspires with Mythological Tales

12 18

Small Things Make a Difference Bob Harris Makes a Difference on Kiva and Around the World

Just Rediscovered Lynette M. Smith Inspires the Art of Letter Writing

30 32

Create Your Unique Path Flora Morris Brown Explains the Power of Story in Legacy

The Shadow LegacyTM

Peter Johnson Brings Mentoring Back to Legacy Planning

Resounding Joy

Barbara Reuer Evidences How Following Your Passion Can Impact the Lives of Others

26

Are You Making These Mistakes with Your Estate Plan?

Laura Roser Highlights Non-Financial Estate Planning Essentials

22 38

Crowdfunding 101

40

Nonprofit Feature: Knots of Love

42

48

Devin Thorpe Teaches the Best Steps to Take in Successful Crowdfunding

Knots of Love Founder Christine Fabiani Blesses Cancer Patients Every Day

The Gift of Love

Artist Meg Oldman Shows How a Milestone Event Can Impact Your Legacy for a Lifetime

46

Purposeful Prenups Emily Bouchard Shares Cautions and Tips for Prenups

Preserving Family Wealth

Thomas Rogerson Inspires Conversation in Family Governance

50

The Often-Overlooked Asset of Spiritual Capital

52

Timeless Wisdom: John Locke’s Chameleons

Charlie Douglas Helps Redefine Estate Planning

Locke’s Writings Explain How Environment Influences Our Perceptions

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ISSUE 12 | 2017

Paragon Road PUBLISHER Laura Roser EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Brian C. Hailes ART DIRECTOR

Emily Bouchard, Managing Partner, Wealth Legacy Group, and Co-author Beginners Guide to Purposeful Prenups Thomas Rogerson, Wilmington Trust

Marko Nedeljkovic DESIGN William Jenkins CONTENT DIRECTOR

Charity Navigator Rady School of Management University of California, San Diego

Flora Morris Brown

Paragon Road

Leslie Clark Charlie Douglas Bob Harris William Jenkins Peter Johnson Donna Jo Napoli Meg Oldman Barbara Reuer Laura Roser Daniel Slone Lynette M. Smith Devin Thorpe

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Have a good idea for an article, feedback or suggestions for our magazine? Email the editor directly: william@paragonroad.com

What is Legacy Arts Magazine?

Legacy Arts is dedicated to the journey of developing a great legacy and passing on non-financial assets (such as beliefs, values & wisdom).

It is produced by Paragon Road, the leader in meaning legacy planning.

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Note from the Editor Are You Making These Mistakes?

A

t Paragon Road, we define legacy as your impact on your loved ones and the world. Becoming a grateful, giving person who positively affects those around you is certainly a legacy to be proud of. But, life isn’t always that easy. There are mistakes, derailments, hurt feelings, communication blunders, personal weaknesses, and a whole variety of issues that can lead to less-than-ideal outcomes. Developing a great legacy is a process. It takes courage and introspection.

In this issue of Legacy Arts, we focus on some common mistakes many people make along their life journey. Peter Johnson writes about the Shadow Legacy, which is an inherited legacy of unintended consequences. We also discuss mistakes most people make with their estate planning (Hint: it has to do with not considering their non-financial assets) and how to develop spiritual capital.

brother’s death when she was only 8 years old inspired her to work with children. These are just a few of the stories from people who will inspire you by how they are living and showing love. Make sure to check out the other articles as well.

The issue ends with some words from influential Enlightenment thinker John Locke. He writes about how we are like chameleons who change ourselves to blend in with our environment. In a world where we have more ability than ever before to seek out specific content and like-minded people, it is my hope that we endeavor to find ideas that uplift, people who inspire, and places that elate.

Thank you to our readers, writers, creative team, As usual, we have a fantastic lineup of stories and the superb people we feature in each issue. featuring people who are each doing their part to better the world. Devin Thorpe writes about All the best, crowdfunding for the social space, Bob Harris reveals how he was able to raise over $8 million Laura A. Roser through Kiva to help entrepreneurs in developing Editor-in-Chief of Legacy Arts countries, and Barbara Reuer tells about how her and CEO of Paragon Road

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MOTHER MUSE

by Leslie Clark

I

t was she who taught me that words have the power of flight.

Any time she was sitting still, she held an open paperback, its pages outstretched like the wings of a gliding gull.

She’d tell me of the places those books had taken her.

The upstairs shelves overflowed with her literary journeys.

Even before I went to school, I’d sample those travels for myself, and soon was addicted to the music of those winged words.

Books became the best of friends, my greatest challenges, my inspiration to make that music, for myself, sing a message out.

While separated geographically, weekly phone calls between Mom and me always started with, “What are you reading?”

Though our tastes, in time, diverged, we still shared our love of language.

And when my poetry and fiction began to appear among the pages of literary journals, she was my biggest fan and most demanding critic.

She left this world too soon with so many words yet to be read and savored.

But every time I sit down to create, her book-lover’s voice is with me, to guide the choices of those words that aspire to flight.n

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Leslie Clark retired from Cochise College in Arizona after 41 years of teaching, and now lives in Oceanside, CA. Her poetry and short fiction have been published in literary journals for many years, and her poetry chapbook, Cardiac Alert, was published by Finishing Line Press. Leslie is editor and publisher of an online poetry journal, which can be found at http://www.voicesonthewind.net.

LEGACY ARTS Issue 12 www.paragonroad.com

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Tell Me a Story On Reading and Writing Mythological Tales

by Donna Jo Napoli

W

e tell and retell events in the lives of Athena and Zeus, Freyja and Thor, Aset and Ra, and so many other Greek, Norse, and Egyptian gods, and we call these tellings “stories.” One of the interesting things about mythology, though, is that it is classified as nonfiction by the Dewey Decimal System, that system that organizes the materials in our libraries. So, books about the mythologies of the world are right there beside books on the religions: Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, Shintoism, Zoroastrianism, and so many others.

It makes sense: we tend to call religions of the past mythologies and treat them as though they are clearly fictitious. Who today believes that the Cyclops gave Hades a helmet that would make him invisible? Perhaps no one.

But what about the Ancient Greeks? Did they believe that?

Really? Those Ancient Greeks are the people credited with coming up with the democratic system of government. Their discussions of philosophy are still studied today. And the Ancient Egyptians – what about them and their god stories, full of transformations from one body form to another? They had copper plumbing over 4,500 years ago; they knew a thing or two. The Chinese invented mechanical clocks around 1,300 years ago. The Babylonians devised multiplication tables. And on and on. The ancients around the globe were sophisticated thinkers. So, did they really believe their own fantastical stories?

And while you’re speculating about that, you might want to ask: what about people believing that Moses parted the waters of the Reed Sea (today’s Red Sea)? That story is one of the most beloved among members of the Abrahamic religions. Some would argue that, indeed, there was a man named Moses who held his staff over the waters, and they opened gradually, as the wind blew all night long, until the sea bed was dry and the Children of Israel passed

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between the two walls of water to the land on the other side. Others would argue that it’s not a matter of believing the literal story; it’s a matter of understanding that faith can save people, even in the face of tremendous odds. So, people who believe the literal story and people who don’t believe it at all can agree to value the story and pass it on, from one generation to the next.

That to my mind is what traditional stories are all about: passing on a wisdom that can help us move through our daily lives. We all know that this thing we walk around in, this flesh that clings to bones, will end. It will disintegrate. And we know that the amount of time we live in these bodies is a blip, instantaneous and ephemeral, in the long passing of eternity. Given that, what makes life worth living? Particularly since our lives can have periods of extreme pain and terror.

Why, oh why, go through it all? The answer – well, you find your own answer, and you might find it in those traditional stories.

You might find it in the devotion that Ruth felt for her mother-in-law Naomi – devotion so strong that Ruth gave up her homeland, her people, and her religion, in order to maintain that bond.

And you might find it in the passionate

love that Aset felt for Usir, a passion that resulted in her being left wondrously with child after Usir passed from this world to the underworld of Duat.

But the traditional stories aren’t just filled with love. In fact, from what I can see, there’s at least as much investigation of evil as of love. And those stories, too, can offer balm. If you’ve ever done a horrible deed, or even if you haven’t done one, but you’ve thought of doing one – if you’ve suffered from envy or sibling rivalry – you can listen to tales about Loki, that most miserable of creatures, who tricked Hod into killing his own dear and beloved brother Bald, and you can feel good that at least you didn’t do that! At least you didn’t make one innocent soul kill another innocent soul. At least you didn’t disrupt the cosmos.

That might be the heart of it: the cosmos. The enormity of it. That’s what these traditional tales remind us: we are small, and the only path to grace is through recognizing that insignificance and accepting it, allowing ourselves to blink at the glory of light refracted through a dewdrop, of every ordinary thing in the world.

Thus, traditional stories are a support for the individual that should not be lost to future generations. But they are also a support to the societies individuals form. The wisdom of traditional stories has served as a foundation for much of the development of civilizations around the world, from our political constructs to our artistic constructs. Buddhist stories of reincarnation aid us in understanding not just our own enlightenment, but the enlightenment of a community under the leadership of Mahatma Gandhi. Catholic stories aid us in understanding what personal and communal faith means as we read T.S. Eliot’s “The Wasteland.” The traditions of humor, toasting, and signifying in some African oral tales aid us in understanding the spiritual freedom that the rap of R. Kelly offers. If we are to understand in any comprehensive way the course of a civilization over time, we need to delve into the full range of traditional stories that nourished that civilization. And we need to delve into them if we are to make sense of our present civilizations and to have any chance at forming a future that coherently sifts through our past values. This process allows us to hold onto those values that support and sustain us while discarding those that don’t in favor of new values that are coherent with contemporary developing vicissitudes of daily life. Traditional tales have the power to aid each new generation as it defines and redefines itself; in my eyes, we impoverish ourselves not just as individuals, but as societies, if we fail to avail ourselves of that power.

Donna Jo Napoli grew up in a poor family, and Harvard University gave her a full ride to college — essentially picking her up from one life and plopping her down in another. She went on to get a Ph.D. and has taught linguistics at many colleges and universities since 1973. She loves beautiful systems (her undergraduate degree is in mathematics), and she loves examining problems faced by those on the fringes of the majority society — culturally, biologically, psychologically - and advocating for their needs both as an academic (she works with an advocacy team for the language rights of deaf children) and as a fiction writer. As a child, her actual world was extremely limited, but her virtual world was as varied as the books she read (voraciously). One of her goals as a writer is to offer her readers the freedom and expansion that books offered her growing up. Visit Donna at http://www. donnajonapoli.com. She says, “If you are lucky enough to have a local bookstore, I encourage you to buy my books there. But they are easily available online, as well.” folkloric. I search for the part of the tale that causes an emotional reaction within me, in the hopes that my reaction is not unique to me, but will be shared by others more generally.

But even when I’m writing in other genres – historical fiction, contemporary fiction, magical realism – I write with the same coherence. My hope is that my stories will do for others what stories do for me; they will transport my readers to other places, other times, and allow them to climb into other bodies, so that they can reach a different understanding, one that carries them beyond the limits of their own lives and offers them a perspective that has a drop of charity in it, a drop of understanding of the complexity of it all, a drop of consolation.n

I write traditional tales of so many types. Many are mythological; many, religious; many,

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Small Things Make

A DIFFERENCE Bob Harris Shows How Your Legacy Can Be Impacted by Even the Smallest Things

by Bob Harris

T

here’s a corner of the Internet where more than 2,000 people call themselves “Friends of Bob Harris” (FoBH) They mean me, personally. Neat.

Yet somehow the FoBHs and their do-gooding might wind up being my legacy.

How did this happen?

Even better: the FoBHs have only one purpose — generosity — and have now lent more than $8 million, receiving no interest, to support microfinance loans to tens of thousands of mom-and-pop businesses.

Fun as it is for my ego to take more credit, it’s only possible thanks to the non-profit Kiva.org, the world’s first and largest microlending platform, and their partners worldwide.

Whoa. I’m not a financier. I don’t have a degree in economics. I write non-fiction books, Hollywood movies that mostly never get made, and TV shows that open with a dead body and a pun.

Kiva is successful in part because unlike most charities, when you lend via Kiva, you actually see the specific person or group you’re supporting, read what they’re doing, and know with clarity where your money is going. More than a million

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people have lent through Kiva so far, with a repayment rate of roughly 98 percent.

Flashback to 2008, not long after Kiva was first founded, before they were even on my radar. I was just busy making a living. As a writer, my employment history is a 30-yearlong Plinko game. I’ve written for TV, movies, radio, Mexican telenovelas, Star Wars comic books, quiz questions for a Kenyan game show, and even luxury hotel reviews for Forbes Traveler.

That Forbes gig turned out to be life-changing in an unexpected way. I was writing formulaic summaries of fivestar hotels all over the world, many in places where wealth and poverty grind hard against each other.

This was challenging. It’s one thing to know intellectually that the world is a savagely unequal place. But suddenly it was right in my face, anytime I left my air-conditioned suite, in whatever developing-world megacity I was visiting, and passed workers downstairs making six bucks a day to construct the next billion-dollar palace.

In Dubai I found myself way more interested in the laborers, sweating in 105-degree heat, than another boring meal with a Michelin star. This was because of the legacy that my parents left to me.

My parents were both from rural Appalachia. With little education, putting food on the table while nobody died prematurely was a lofty enough goal. Their main legacy to me was the example of hard work and the knowledge that it might someday improve your family’s life.

As a screenwriter, Bob has written for Bones and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, has consulted on one of the biggest films in Marvel’s cinematic universe, and currently has TV and film projects in development in three countries. As an author, Bob is the author of five books, including the bestselling The International Bank of Bob, about his charity work with Kiva. org and his travels to study the lives of the working poor on five continents, and Prisoner of Trebekistan, about his 14 appearances on the quiz show Jeopardy. In other fields, Bob has also been a travel writer for Forbes and Travel+Leisure; an AP award-winning syndicated radio commentator; and a guest speaker at Google, eBay, Citi, Visa, the European Parliament, the US Dept. of State, and more than 50 US colleges and universities. You can join Friends of Bob Harris at http://www.kiva.org/team/bobharrisdotcom.

So why do guys from small villages in India and Pakistan sign up to work 12-hour days for years on end? Simple: back home, they’d only make one or two bucks a day. In Dubai or Abu Dhabi, they could make six, maybe eight. Live cheaply, send the rest back home, and their families would be better off.

These guys go through hell because they love their kids.

And they’re a lot like my own dad was.

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Eventually, I decided to take the full proceeds from my travel writing — about $20K — and do ... something. TBD. Somehow, I wanted to help improve the living situations of guys from a jillion South Asian towns I’d never visited. This was puzzling.

Before the book even came out, some dude named Aaron, a Kiva lender whom I’d never met but who was familiar with my previous books, informed me that he was creating a group called Friends of Bob Harris. I was about to have friends. I said, “Um, okay.”

However, in late 2008, Muhammad Yunus and the Grameen Bank had recently won the Nobel Peace Prize for pioneering microfinance, bringing the basic tools of credit and savings to the poor. Hmm. If the local economies had been better where these workers had come from, maybe they wouldn’t be living ten to a room in labor camps in the Arabian Desert.

I didn’t think much would happen. I was wrong. Instead, if you think of kindness generosity as the formless raw sugary goo in the middle of a cotton candy machine, my book turned out to be a wooden stick that the goo could form around.

Now we’re up to $8 million lent to clients in 90 countries.

So I decided to put the whole $20K into microloans, via Kiva. Then, to see if it did any good, I’d travel to follow the money, meet some of my own clients, and write a book about what I found.

A few years later, I’d met clients in Peru, Rwanda, Bosnia, Lebanon, Cambodia, and a dozen other countries, and The International Bank of Bob was published.

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I don’t attribute this to the awesomeness of my prose.

Human beings simply want to be good. We want to help each other. We want to find a way to make the world a brighter, safer, more equitable, more connected place.

Kiva created a site where you can see the faces of the people you’re helping. I pointed to Kiva. People liked how I pointed. So, FoBH. Do the loans help? Usually. Sometimes a lot. Not always.

But even in break-even cases, ripple effects can be huge in ways not measurable in 18-month academic studies. If a convenience store in Kigali barely breaks even, is it a

success? Narrow studies might say no, but it’s a resounding yes for the entire neighborhood. A new convenience store means that everyone within walking distance is better able to allocate time for their own productive work or care for their children.

I learned enough similar things along the way to fill a book.

(Conveniently, I wrote one. You’re welcome.) I’ll share just one more: I’ve now been to 80 countries, including many of the richest and poorest on earth. I’ve hung out with people of every major faith, butchered my attempts with least 20 languages, and played with kids of all descriptions.

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It really is true. Everywhere. Unfortunately, we also share the ability to be awful.

Every culture seems also able to rationalize the deaths of outsiders for a greater good. If that idea causes you stress, feel good about that—you’re human. You want instinctively to identify with good. This is a fundamental human instinct.

Realizing this: who do we choose to be? What world do we want to create?

$8,052,250 244,186 LOANS

I don’t have to hope anymore. I know. If you’re human, anywhere in the world: You want a better life for your kids.

You want to feel part of a community. You want hope.

We are the same, good and bad. All of us.

TEAM MEMBERS

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Everywhere I’ve been, most people hope that we’re all similar. They hope that language, religion, culture, etc. might all be slightly cosmetic. They hope that the human heart is basically the same.

The FoBHs choose to be generous, lending to total strangers from Afghanistan to Zambia, getting repaid more than 98 percent of the time, and re-lending, over and over.

If that’s my legacy, okay. I’m good with it. So what will your legacy be?

True thing: nearly everybody around you wants to go good.

Even in parts of the world you’d be afraid to visit, that’s generally the case as well. The best part of your own heart is reflected outside your window more than seven billion times.

If you can live every day like you know that, your own legacy just might start forming in unexpected ways, too.n

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How Will You Change Th Make The Most Impact With Charity

Animals

l Animal Rights, Welfare, and Services l Wildlife Conservation l Zoos and Aquariums

Education

l Early Childhood Programs and Services l Youth Education Programs and Services l Adult Education Programs and Services l Special Education l Education Policy and Reform Scholarship and Financial Support

Community Development l l l l

United Ways Jewish Federations Community Foundations Housing and Neighborhood Development

Arts, Culture, Humanities l Libraries, Historical Societies and Landmark Preservation l Museum l Performing Arts l Public Broadcasting and Media

Resources for Intelligent Giving: www.charitynavigat

he World?

International

Navigator

l Development and Relief Services l International Peace, Security, and Affairs l Humanitarian Relief Supplies

Environment

l Environmental Protection and Conservation l Botanical Gardens, Parks, and Nature Centers

Health

l Diseases, Disorders, and Disciplines l Patient and Family Support l Treatment and Prevention Services l Medical Research

Research and Public Policy

l Non-Medical Science & Technology Research l Social and Public Policy Research

tor.org

Human and Civil Rights l Advocacy and Education

Religion

l Religious Activities l Religious Media and Broadcasting

Human Services

l Children’s and Family Services l Youth Development, Shelter, and Crisis Services l Food Banks, Food Pantries, and Food Distribution l Multipurpose Human Service Organizations l Homeless Services l Social Services

Just Rediscovered

Writing Letters to Express LASTING Gratitude

by Lynette M. Smith

R

emember how heartwarming it was to discover a collection of Great Aunt Tilly’s letters in the attic? To read them was to savor them; to hear her loving voice all over again, to feel her in your heart, and to send your love back to her.

These days, what are the chances of discovering even your own parents’ letters? Unless you’re an older Baby Boomer, odds are slim. In most families, email and social media posts and texting have usurped that important tangible written source of family legacy. It’s highly unlikely that someday your children will discover a collection of your emails, lovingly written and printed out, tied together with a ribbon, and stored in the top dresser drawer.

Let me tell you a story.

Back in November 2008, at the wedding rehearsal dinner of our son, Byron, we were surprised and moved by his fiancée’s and his loving gesture when they each presented a framed, heartfelt letter of appreciation to their own parents.

Each letter described what it was like growing up in the family, what qualities they most admired about each parent, and what values they had learned from their parents that they planned to bring to their own marriage. Believe me, when their maid of honor and best man read the letters aloud as the bride- and groom-to-be stood beside their respective parents, all eyes filled with loving tears.

The two of them had come up with this thoughtful gesture on their own. We display our letter proudly in our home, and every time I read it, I feel just as moved as the first time it was read to us. Now that’s a lasting effect! And I can assure you, it will last even longer after we’re gone, because I’m confident our son will display our letter in his own home and save it for his children and their children. Through Byron’s letter, all his descendants will know more about what he found worthwhile in his parents—their ancestors.

You too can leave such a legacy — for your parents, your spouse, or your children; for a brother or sister; for a favorite aunt, uncle, or grandparent; for a dear friend, mentor, or former teacher. How? By writing a heartfelt letter of

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Lynette M. Smith is a professional copyeditor (AllMyBest.com) and author of the comprehensive reference book, How to Write Heartfelt Letters to Treasure: For Special Occasions and Occasions Made Special, available at all major online retailers and from her publishing and letter-writing website, GoodWaysToWrite. com. Questions? Contact Lynette through her website or at Lynette@GoodWaysToWrite. com, and connect with her on Facebook (www.facebook.com/GoodWaysToWrite) and LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/ lynettemsmith).

appreciation. Click here to read inspiring stories from other people who have written or received a heartfelt letter.

Indeed, you never know how big a difference your letter will make. Some people consider suicide because they feel their lives have no meaning. What if they were to receive a timely letter of appreciation from even one person, telling them they have made a positive difference? With such tangible evidence of self-worth available to read whenever they feel low, might lives be saved and improved?

Write and refine your letter.

There’s no need to be intimidated at the prospect of writing. Just follow these simple steps, composing either on a ruled tablet or on your computer: 1. Discuss the person’s most admirable qualities, perhaps citing past examples of those traits in action.

2.Discuss the person’s most admirable qualities, perhaps citing past examples of those traits in action.

3. Describe the positive difference made in your life or in the lives of others.

4. Express your gratitude, then hand-sign your letter.

That was your first draft. Let it rest for at least a day, and then reread it and make any desired revisions. That will be your second draft.

Do you know someone who will keep a confidence and who also has a good command of spelling and grammar?

Ask that person to serve as an editor and review your second draft to see if you can make it even better.

Ready? Write your third draft on quality stationery. Cursive writing or hand printing is nice, but a computerprinted letter (still on good stationery or with an attractive border) with a handwritten signature is also acceptable, particularly if your letter is to be framed for presentation. (Note: Toner withstands humidity better than computer ink; so if you use an ink jet printer, pay your local copy center to photocopy your unsigned letter onto quality paper and then sign it.)

LEGACY ARTS Issue 12 www.paragonroad.com 19

Photo Credit: JDP Photography

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A Wealth of Gratitude in Letters Present your letter.

Try to present your letter personally—perhaps on a special occasion, such as a birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Grandparents Day, or after a nice homemade meal or during a dinner out. You can even giftwrap it. Otherwise, you can mail your letter, but mail it flat in a large envelope—and even within a certificate folder—to give it more impact.

If you wish, let the occasion or your talents spark some ideas for enhancing the presentation: l Provide a video (make eye contact!) or audio recording of you reading the letter. l Make a collage or scrapbook or slide show of photos of the two of you. l Write a poem to accompany your letter. l Sing a song (perhaps one you’ve composed). l Create fine art, perhaps a portrait in pencil, pen-andink, or charcoal. l Draw cartoons or a comic strip starring your special person.

What if it’s too late to write?

You may be thinking: “If only I had written to Grandpa Ellis while he was still alive, to tell him how much I loved him and to thank him for teaching me so many important life values that have continued to serve me and my family. But now it’s too late.”

You may be surprised to discover you can write over 150 general types of heartfelt letters of appreciation. Here are some of the letters the author has written: l To her husband upon his retirement, thanking him for his loyalty and perseverance during his career, and welcoming him into this next phase of his life l To her mentor, congratulating her on a job well done when she edited and published, at age 86 (and even after suffering a stroke), a bound softcover book containing the 100-year history of her women’s club l To the customer service representative at the company that printed her mentor’s history book, complimenting him on great customer service and a quality product l To her high school art teacher of long ago, in appreciation for his positive impact on her fine arts avocation and work ethic l To a couple of friends whose mother had died and for whom they had hosted a thoughtful life celebration, to compliment them on how meaningful the celebration had been and to express condolences once again l To a longtime friend who had always given of herself to others, to let her know she continues to be appreciated l To a dear friend’s prospective employers, as a character reference letter for use in her career search l To her father-in-law, at his 90th birthday party, to tell him what she most admired about him

But is it really too late? I don’t believe so. You can still experience catharsis by writing him a letter. Compose it as if he were hearing your words. Pour your heart out and write all the things you always wanted to convey.

Imagine what it would be like to receive and read Then refine your letter, just as you would if he were alive. a heartfelt letter of appreciation. Learning that you’d made a positive difference would make Now “present” your letter in a way you feel good, wouldn’t it? It would that is meaningful to you. Consider help bring meaning to your life. You’d lighting candles in a quiet room probably be inspired to make a positive or else sitting beside a peaceful difference in others’ lives as well, which stream, on the beach, in the desert, would change your world and theirs for or in a garden, as you read your the better. letter aloud. If you sense Grandpa Ellis’s presence, rejoice in that You might even decide to write special connection. Once you’ve appreciation letters to people who’ve read your letter, and depending on made a difference in your own life. the nature and degree of privacy They’d feel acknowledged as well, expressed within it, you may either and the focus on gratitude would be save it, bury it, burn it, hand-shred compounded. Every appreciation letter it and cast it to the four winds, or written and received would further present it to your children to keep incline the world’s citizens towards love as part of their family’s legacy. and gratitude and away from fear.

Your gratitude letter can change the world.

That’s something worth writing for.n

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CREATE YOUR UNIQUE PATH Empower Your Life Story and Legacy

by Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D.

F

or years I frequently shared with my friends my plans to travel the world, visiting every continent (except Antarctica) at least once. I browsed through travel magazines, read travel books, and watched travel shows. I even considered signing up for retreats held in exotic locations as a way to travel.

Too often we fantasize about what we’d like to do in our lives without realizing that we haven’t even taken the first step.

My friends listened patiently to my daydreams. Then, when my youngest daughter was in her junior year at UCLA, she announced her plan to enroll in an Education Abroad program in Spain that spring. Part of me loved the idea and thought it was a wonderful opportunity for her. Another part of me rebelled. How could I agree to her making an international trip before I did, when it was my lifelong dream?

There is no one right way to create your unique path, but here are three ways to help you find it.

When I lodged my objection, my quick-thinking daughter fired back with a solution. Since I was still teaching full-time, she proposed that I plan to meet her in Europe when school was out for both of us. That way we could explore Europe together, and I would finally have begun my international travel.

Great! I was happy with that solution. We began deciding where we’d meet and what places we would visit. With excitement, I shared our plans with friends. Again, they patiently listened, but one of them asked, “Do you have a passport?” I let out an embarrassed gasp. After all those years of talking about traveling abroad, I hadn’t even taken the very first and doable step of applying for a passport. That was when I fully understood the Chinese proverb originated

by Laozi: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

That realization led me to get my passport and finally begin my lifelong plan to travel the world. Although I continued to teach a few more years and enjoy other activities, I traveled often. Now I’m almost finished; just one continent left to visit.

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Other times we envy those who seem to be happily enjoying their lives, as if by magic, when in fact they are taking thousands of little steps.

1. Take full responsibility for your life.

If there is something you want to achieve, don’t wait for what you think is the right time or expect someone else to take the lead. Begin the smallest step you can take toward it, like I had to do by applying for my passport. As you begin this process, if you become disenchanted with the goal, modify or change it.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Seek a positive change that will move you away from what you don’t want and toward what you do want for your life. Avoid rubbernecking at events and activities that don’t enhance your life or bring you joy. You slow your own progress and risk your success.

There are many circumstances outside of your control, such as birthplace, genetics, and others’ behavior. Seek a positive way to manage the part of your life over which you do have control. This includes not only your reaction to circumstances but your choice of thoughts, words, and attitudes that fill your mind.

Flora Morris Brown is an author, publishing coach, and certified Guided Autobiography Facilitator and Trainer. She confesses to being a coffee snob and having an unhealthy love of British murder mysteries.

She helps writers navigate the choppy waters of publishing and guides people who want to capture their life stories to leave behind for their families. Flora earned her B.A., M.S., and Ph.D. from the University of Southern California and enjoyed a 20year teaching career at Fullerton College in Fullerton, California. Now Professor Emeritus, she has published 12 books, the most recent of which is the second edition of Color Your Life Happy: Create Your Unique Path and Claim the Joy You Deserve. To learn more and for free downloads, visit florabrown.com Avoid letting your inner critic drown out your intuition. It’s unlikely you’ll get rid of your inner critic, but learn to put her on timeout and get quiet enough for your intuition to develop and come through. For some, this results from meditation, prayer, and reflection; for others, it results just by allowing quiet time to open the way for intuition. Find out what works best for you and practice it.

2. Give yourself permission to say “yes” to your life.

This requires making choices that lead to your good. You are where you are this very minute because of all the tiny choices you made, minute by minute, throughout your life.

Commit to making choices on purpose, not by default.

Sometimes you must say no to other people and situations to pursue your own goals. This is not selfish, it’s sensible. Think back to the flight attendant’s safety message to put on your oxygen mask first before you help anyone else. Only when you are living your best life are you available to help others.

Just as you wouldn’t knowingly stay in your home if you detected a gas leak, avoid allowing toxic people into your life. You know who they are. They enjoy complaining, griping, and pointing out the negative side of everything. They take pleasure in seeing others fail, and they sabotage their own success and blame it on someone else. It’s difficult to maintain harmony and tranquility with them around, and you can count on them to discourage and derail your goals.

3. Look for the lessons and blessings in your life.

Embrace happiness in all its dimensions. Happiness is not the absence of sadness or adversity. Happy people live here and now, allowing themselves to feel the array of emotions but not be crushed by them. It’s normal to grieve with the loss of a loved one or pet or to feel disappointed when something you worked hard to achieve is lost. When we accept and manage the inevitable so-called dark side of our lives, we build up our

resilience and our confidence that we can handle whatever comes up.

Look for what is good about any situation and be grateful for that part. When my 40-year-old son died of a massive heart attack, I was grief stricken. But even as I tried unsuccessfully to resuscitate him, I thanked God that he had died at home and not as the victim of an assault in the street somewhere. I was also thankful that it was I, and not his sisters, who discovered him.

Look for what lessons you can learn from situations and make those lessons part of your toolbox for the future. In the days after my son’s death, I discovered how impossible it was to access his phone and computer since I didn’t know his passwords. Since then I’ve taken steps to ensure my daughters can access my passwords and other digital information. I also finally set up a trust I had until then neglected.

Where does this lead?

Following these three steps will help you create your unique path not only to serve you well during your lifetime but also to impact the legacy you leave for your family, friends, and many people you will never meet. Regardless of how your life is remembered, it is a story woven together by the tiny choices you made every day. Workshops to help you write your life story are available in many communities where participants are guided to capture their memories and share them in writing and other formats.

The unique path you create for your life inspires others.

They are encouraged by the way you managed the twists and turns, faced challenges, and overcame adversity. They feel a connection to you as they see their lives mirrored in yours.

Your authenticity, joyful living, integrity, courage, and positive energy make an impact and leave a priceless legacy that extends far beyond your immediate world and time.n

LEGACY ARTS Issue 12 www.paragonroad.com 23

What is Employee Own The evidence is overwhelming.

Done right, employee ownership can transform a company, improve performance and accelerate growth. It can create a sustained competitive advantage, driving business success that builds wealth for founders, investors and employee shareholders alike.

The Beyster Institute at San Diego’s Rady School Management works to the understanding and of employee ownership effective and responsib model. We focus on edu research and consulting promote employee own and the creation of effe ownership cultures.

nership?

UC of advance practice as an ble business ucation, g to nership ective

We serve companies interested in the employee ownership business strategy, business owners looking to transition out of their companies and professional advisers who want to better serve their clients by gaining employee ownership knowledge.

Visit us at www.rady.ucsd.edu/beyster/

Estate Planning

MISTAKES Almost Everyone Makes

by Laura A. Roser

E

state planning traditionally focuses on your financial assets. But when you think about what matters most, is it your car, home, or bank account? Of course not. The only reason those assets have any value is you’ve assigned meaning to them.

You hope, for example, when you give money to your children, it will be used to improve their lives. Although this outcome can be difficult to direct.

What non-financial things matter most to you? What pieces of yourself do you want as a part of your heritage?

When you organize your will, trust, and other legal documents, don’t forget about your memories, values, traditions, and beliefs.

Your assets can be broken into three main categories: l Character Assets: Your meaningful relationships, values, health, spirituality, heritage, purpose, life experiences, talents, and plans for giving. l Intellectual Assets: Your business systems, alliances, ideas, skills, traditions, reputation, and wisdom. l Financial Assets: Your physical wealth, investments, and possessions.

Financial assets are passed along through proper structuring — such as a trust or a foundation. These structures range from the simple to the complex, depending on your level of affluence and asset protection or tax planning goals. Rarely are your character and intellectual assets taken into account. Often, these assets are lost simply because there is not a structured way to identify them and pass them along.

Passing on non-financial assets is what my team and I specialize in. We’ve found that the process of structuring your character and intellectual assets to pass on to your heirs needs to be just as thought out as the process of passing on your financial assets.

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Non-Financial Estate Planning Essentials

Our Meaning Legacy™ planning process focuses on seven essential components for passing on your nonfinancial assets to your loved ones. They are: l Beliefs, Values, and Vision: Your personal principles and shared family philosophy. l Master Stories: Experiences that have shaped your life. l Systems for Living: Skills and information your family needs to thrive. l Experiential Bonds: Planned family traditions, outings, and bonding activities. l Family Heritage: Where your family came from. l Community Impact: Your vision for giving back to the world. l Public Presence: How you are perceived by the public both off-line and online.

Whether you hire a firm to help you out or decide to document these components on your own, be sure your non-financial assets receive just as much attention as your financial ones. Your family will thank you.

In his book Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper, Barry K. Baines, MD wrote, “When my father was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1990, I asked him to write a letter about the things he valued.

About a month before he died, my dad gave me two handwritten pages in which he spoke about the importance of being honest, getting a good education, helping people in need, and remaining loyal to the family. That letter — his ethical will — meant more to me than any material possession he could have bequeathed.”

I’ve heard many people say something similar.

Whether it’s a letter from a loved one, an old journal, or a film, these memories, words of encouragement, and expressions of love — in the exact words of a respected family member — connect at such a deep level that they become a treasure to the family.

Laura A. Roser is the founder and CEO of Paragon Road, the #1 authority in meaning legacy planning. For more information about meaning legacy planning services, visit www.paragonroad.com.

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Becoming Aware The following questions will give you an idea about what character and intellectual assets you should include as a part of your estate plan.

Assessing Your Current Status:

1.

Do you have photos, videos, letters, or other memorabilia that needs to be digitally archived, organized, and sent to family members?

2.

Do you know about your family tree and ancestors?

Have you archived this information somewhere so your family can access it?

3.

4.

Have you recorded your favorite memories, either via audio, video, or in writing?

What tasks or skills does your family need to learn in order to pick up where you left off or live productive lives? (e.g. money management, household tasks, business systems, health guidelines, and so on.)

5.

Do you have a philanthropic vision? Have you gotten your family involved in charity work or giving to the community? How have you documented these activities?

6.

7.

Do you have a family mission, a coat of arms, family rules, or other family systems you’d like to document?

What kinds of experiences or traditions have you planned for your family? How do you plan to make them meaningful? How do you document them?

8.

When you google yourself, do you like what comes up? Are you interested in creating an online presence to encourage your family or convey a message (such as your support of a charity or to spread your love of gardening)? What kind of man or woman would you like to be publicly known as? In a world where privacy is disappearing, your online legend will become what you are known for to your friends and acquaintances as well as your family.

Once you’ve considered these questions, the next step is coming up with a plan to package up this information in a way that’s valuable to your family. Too much information can lead to a legacy of minutia. Filtering what gets passed on often becomes the most important part of the process. n

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The Shadow Legacy

TM

Bringing Mentoring Back to Legacy Planning

by Peter Johnson

E

ven now, I feel vulnerable and embarrassed sharing the following story. It’s painful to recall.

In the early ‘70s, I was a young man living in Los Angeles with a vague dream of making a living in the music business. I was a junior college dropout from an upper middle-class family, drifting. Then, boom! On my 21st birthday, I received a trust, valued at $130,000 (or a little over $750,000 in today’s dollars). At the time, I hadn’t had any mentoring or preparation whatsoever in money. What do you suppose happened?

Yes, some very predictable things occurred. I continued to avoid real work or a formal education for a few years.

I tinkered at being a music producer and invested a little in a growing music studio. But mostly I stayed up late, partied, and avoided facing life head-on. In addition, some other, less-expected things happened. Some of my closest friends grew distant, angry with me for having money when they didn’t. I also discovered that I didn’t have the ability to say no when people asked me for money — even people I didn’t particularly like or trust. My phone rang constantly with people asking for loans. It was a very lonely time.

Eventually, my story had a happy ending: the money ran out, and I was fortunate enough to be able to return to college and find a career I love.

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Here’s what now strikes me as exceedingly odd, which informs my life’s work. Although there must have been a reason, an aspiration, a hope for what this money could mean in my life, no one ever talked to me about it. Not. One. Peep. No one sat me down and asked basic questions of me — questions like “What difference could this trust fund make in your life?” or “How long do you think the money will last?” No one said, “Here are some of the things you can expect other people to say or do, and here’s how you can handle that.” What was missing was mentoring.

The Shadow LegacyTM

The point is, I inherited a legacy of unintended consequences. A human legacy that typical estate and gift planning often doesn’t account for. A yawning chasm between intention and outcome. Unforeseen, damaging, and all too common. I inherited a Shadow Legacy.

The term shadow was used by the famed psychologist Carl G. Jung to describe the repressed or denied part of the self. But in this work, I use the term shadow to describe “the unconscious or denied aspects of our impact on others as it applies to our legacy.” It’s our blind spot.

Now, let’s zoom out to the bigger picture. My trust fund story is but one small example of a shadow legacy. The issues are compounded when a death occurs and multiple heirs are involved. Then wealth and precious family relationships

can be at risk. Estate documents alone can never replace engagement, communication, and mentoring. Talk to any estate planning attorney, and she can share countless examples of failed legacy: families torn apart over mistrust, fear, greed, unresolved childhood issues, and yes, even over the cherished clock on the mantle. It’s such a common occurrence that most of us have personally seen instances of it, whether in our own lives or in the lives of our friends and acquaintances. The suffering it creates often has a lasting impact on individuals, inherited wealth and relationships.

But the term failed legacy is a misnomer. There was and is a legacy, all right, just not the one which was originally intended. Rather, legacies are entirely consistent with the foundation laid through years of interactions and experience, and not primarily the result of a handful of estate documents, or the wishes behind those documents.

Bringing Light to the Shadow

The good news is that shadows dissipate quickly in the light. Unintended suffering can be ameliorated or avoided more easily than you might imagine. The moment that I became aware that mentoring was the crucial element missing in my own painful financial journey — as well as my siblings’ journeys — my life took a dramatic turn, both personally and professionally. My shame was replaced with the desire to help families build powerful, sustainable legacies through connection and preparation.

It’s important to take a moment to reflect on what mentoring is. At its best, mentoring provides intellectual and emotional support, and gives mentees a safe place to turn with questions. It’s not about imperious lecturing or the conveyance of pedantic facts. It’s about discovery, and drawing out the gifts of those being mentored. It’s a journey of encouragement that is accepting of mistakes and stumbles.

Specifically, if I were mentoring the young man I used to be, I would explore the following: l I would have the family benefactors share, in their own words, their intentions behind the gift. This is a significant opportunity to convey heartfelt values and to paint an aspirational picture, deepening family connection. l I would explain that this is an opportunity to learn how to handle money, including knowledge and skills that will be useful for a lifetime. l As I have done for so many clients, I would graphically show how long the money might last at different spending rates (including taxes and inflation). This is often an eyeopener and always useful in terms of getting a sense of the bigger picture. l I would ask my mentee to identify and prioritize possible life goals, and to consider how the money might be used to achieve them, with the understanding that goals and priorities will change over time.

Peter Johnson works with families to unlock potential and create sustainable legacies. Where appropriate, his work incorporates interdisciplinary teamwork, as well as nature connection, to provide the deepest and most meaningful family experiences possible. He is a pioneer in Collaborative Practice Trusts & Estates and is a member of The Purposeful Planning Institute. Peter has run a successful wealth advisory business for over 25 years. Learn more at www.pwjohnson.com and www.FamilyNatureRetreats.com. Peter can be reached at peter.johnson@pwjohnson.com. l Finally, if the inheritance or gift were of adequate size, I would recommend hiring a hands-on, fiduciary financial planner who has a passion for coaching, to work with the beneficiary over time.

Now Is the Time

In speaking with many families, I have found that there is resistance to engagement with other family members and having conversations about estates and legacy. Families are bogged down by cynicism, resignation, and a lack of urgency. But there are people, processes and structures that can be highly effective in bringing families together to create compelling shared visions and possibilities, and, when necessary, to work out estate conflicts successfully. There are almost countless ways to build intergenerational trust, wisdom, and connection. What successful legacy requires is awareness, communication, trust, and support. Engagement is not transactional; it is transformational. It’s an opportunity for creativity, joy, and regeneration.

Families fail to pass wealth on successfully because they fail to address the human element in estate planning effectively. Enormous potential is missed. Without the requisite skills and context, money can easily wind up being detrimental to inheritors. Mentoring is essential.

Fortunately, this work doesn’t have to be hard. And it’s never too late. Get help if you need it. Professionals who may be able to help include estate planning attorneys, mediators, Collaborative Practice professionals, family meeting facilitators, family business consultants, trustees and financial planners.

Just being aware that we all have a Shadow Legacy is a beginning. We have some time, now to make a difference.

Our legacies ripple out and touch others in countless ways, and for generations to come. Imagine what a clear focus on our actual legacies could mean for our families, our descendants, the larger community, and yes, for us.

We’re not meant to do life alone. Family is one our greatest opportunities in this life to suffer, or to thrive.

We’re all ancestors in training. What legacy will you leave?n

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RESOUNDING JOY Taking the Healing Power of Music Therapy to Everyone

by Barbara Reuer

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“D

o not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is not a path and leave a trail.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Fundamental success means having the opportunity in everyday life to do the very best one can. There can be times in one’s life when visions indeed become realities.

These times do not happen by merely wishing for them.

They require work, but, more importantly, they require the development of a perspective that situates people in the mainstream of emerging trends, empowering them as agents of change. The ability to grow from each step is the most important advice I can offer as a music therapist, mentor, internship director, entrepreneur, and leader.

My Brother Ronnie and Music Therapy

Born in Hoven, South Dakota, in 1952, I was the oldest of six children. I grew up with the responsibilities of the eldest child on a farm, and my family instilled work expectation and ethic early on. I shared my first five years of education in a one-room schoolhouse with 13 students in eight grades. My high school years, in a school of 99 students, gave me opportunities to be involved in a dizzying array of activities. Pulled toward music, I played clarinet and cymbals in the marching band and oboe in the concert band. When I started at Northern State College in Aberdeen, South Dakota, in 1970, I couldn’t decide whether to major in languages, math, or music.

My youngest brother, Ronnie, was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy. I was devastated during my freshman year when he passed away, only 8 years old, with complications from pneumonia. I felt so helpless. I knew I would do something with children who had disabilities, in Ronnie’s honor, though I did not know how, what, where, or when. When a visiting Arizona professor mentioned there was a career in music therapy, I knew instantly what I wanted to do.

I earned my music therapy equivalency and master’s degree in music education at the University of Kansas in 1976. Although I wanted an internship working with children, I was accepted at Norristown State Hospital, which served adult psychiatric patients. I was so disappointed I did not get accepted at a facility for children with disabilities. A new law in 1975 had a major impact on children with disabilities and the profession of music therapy. This change led me to accept a new position in Dubuque, Iowa as an itinerant music therapist and music educator. I served children in self-contained special education programs and taught music to children in grades 1-6 with special education students mainstreamed into arts and PE programs … the first program like this in the state.

Off to San Diego

In the fall of 1980, I decided to go back to graduate school to work towards another master’s degree in rehabilitative counseling at the University of Iowa; however, I discovered

rehabilitative counseling was not a good fit for me. One thing led to another, and I found myself with a teaching assistantship working towards a doctorate in music therapy. When I finished my doctoral work and it was time for me to move, I sold everything I had, stored my books with a friend, and packed up my car. With two friends willing to visit San Diego and $100 to my name, we headed west to California.

After a week in San Diego, somehow, I registered my business, MusicWorx of California. I was now in business!

Although my first few years in San Diego were a struggle, in my heart, I knew I was in the right place. There were only three or four other music therapists in town at the time, and only a handful of music therapists across the country that owned a music therapy practice. I learned lessons, obtained skills, and acquired business savvy through six part-time jobs in real estate, telemarketing, direct sales, and multi-level marketing. As I faced new challenges, I harnessed all the skills and knowledge I had fostered throughout my life (right down to taking leadership in high school activities) and applied them to my entrepreneurial goal of setting up a private practice.

What I did not realize, at the time, was that I was underestimating my obstacles, defining my vision, and mentally bypassing the barriers. Deep down, I believed the greater San Diego area was a huge opportunity for music therapy waiting to happen. Keeping the vision in focus is not as easy as it may sound, however. Although there were times when I went off track, made mistakes, and temporarily lost sight of my vision, my dream always remained intact. When you get knocked down, it can be really hard to get up, and setbacks occasionally challenged my self-confidence. I was surviving one day at a time, and it was unbelievably challenging.

From Volunteer to Leadership

The summer of 1991 was a huge turning point. Just as I was ready to give up, I received an unexpected phone call from a hospice volunteer coordinator. She said, “I have no idea where I got your name or why I am calling you right now, but we are looking for a music therapy volunteer.”

My mouth dropped. Because I was desperate for income, I did not think I could afford to volunteer, but I paused and

LEGACY ARTS Issue 12 www.paragonroad.com 33

said, “Let me think about it.” Upon reflection, it dawned on me this might be divine intervention. I called her back and agreed to volunteer. The same week, seemingly out of the blue, I received a call from the National Association for Music Therapy (NAMT), asking if I would volunteer as local chair for the national conference. That summer was all about volunteer work: giving, rather than being self-absorbed in what I did not have, and learning lessons about living from my hospice patients. The pathway from the NAMT volunteer work led me to serving in leadership positions and eventually serving as president of the NAMT. In 1996, I was part of a small group of six leaders who formulated a proposal to bring together the two music therapy organizations in the U.S. in a historic unification signing ceremony. I wrote: “Our mission will be complete when every person who can benefit from music therapy, irrespective of economic status, severity of disability or ethnic background has access to it. Let us celebrate as we weave a strong tapestry of traditions, diversity and unity.”

In 1998, I began a private practice music therapy internship. Directing an internship program is one of the biggest highlights of my music therapy career. I thoroughly enjoy mentoring and training the next generation of music therapists and bridging their education and internship experiences into their careers. I am proud to say that this year we are celebrating the 20th anniversary of the internship and 30th year of MusicWorx being in business. We have had over 150 students come through the MusicWorx internship. In our analysis, we have found 75% still work in the field of music therapy, and 58% of our alumni own their own business.

I grew MusicWorx one day at a time, one contract at a time, identifying, and then seizing opportunities as they come along. As the famous old song states, written and recorded by Ringo Starr, “It don’t come easy,” but persistence pays. Keep talking to people every day through networking, meetings, and presentations, always planting those seeds. My mantra, “If you keep throwing mud against the wall, some of it will stick.”

Resounding Joy

Then one day in church we were saying a prayer for someone who was having hip surgery. The first thought I had was, “Who is going to go visit her?” This led me to thinking about all those people who are homebound, shut-in, and for whom there aren’t enough music therapists in the world to meet their needs.

Could volunteers be trained to provide social, musical visits with isolated older adults? This was the question I asked myself when I was inspired to expand the reach of the music therapy profession to develop partnerships in the community. With a little over 5,000 Board-Certified music therapists in the U.S. at the time, and the long process of education, internship, and testing that qualifies

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therapists to work with any population, could musicallyinclined volunteers be trained on specific strategies? Could they transform what might otherwise be performance into something social, stimulating, and magical for older adults isolated at home or coping with feelings of depression in care facilities?

The answer is a resounding yes. I began Resounding Joy in 2004 with the dream of making music wellness accessible to as many individuals as possible. With the help of incredible volunteers and my experience of running MusicWorx, we’ve grown the Resounding Joy to serve individuals coast to coast, primarily here in San Diego County. Once focused solely on volunteer training, now Resounding Joy gives the healing power of music to over 8,000 contacts every year.

My staff of professional, Board-certified music therapists and music therapy clinical interns provides high-quality music therapy services through four programs: l The inaugural program, Mindful Music, empowers and engages older adults through the rewarding Joy Giver training model. l Born from a successful merger in 2010, Healing Notes supports children in medical care. l Sound Minds, established in 2008, facilitates youth development and bonding, particularly for teen parents and their preschool-age children. l Semper Sound, begun in 2010 with support from the Semper Fi Fund, assists military service member rehabilitation and transition.

My team continues to focus on our mission of using therapeutic and recreational music programs to improve the social, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being of individuals and communities. We want to continue to create, nurture, and maintain an environment of growth and unlimited potential for those around us. It has and continues to be an extraordinary journey, and I am proud to say, “I work as a music therapist.” I’m just getting started.

Reflections on the Journey

In thinking about the pathway of my life, I feel that my unique combination of business, marketing, and clinical background has given me the skills to provide the kind of leadership the profession needed to capitalize on opportunities and prepare music therapists for the marketplace. And most importantly, the legacy of my little brother, Ronnie, lives on in the work we do. Because of his inspiration and love for music, we have reached tens of thousands of clients throughout the years. Resounding Joy’s “Ronnie’s Fund” not only honors him, but also

Barbara Reuer, PhD, internationally known for her expertise in music-centered wellness and music therapy, is Founder/CEO of MusicWorxInc. and Resounding Joy Inc., both located in San Diego, CA. To find out more about these organizations, to donate, or to volunteer, please visit resoundingjoyinc.org and musicworxinc.com. Barbara has more than 40 years of clinical experience in schools, convalescent facilities, retirement homes, hospices, medical and psychiatric hospitals, corrections facilities, substance abuse and eating disorders programs, health spas, as well as teaching at community colleges and universities. Major areas of Dr. Reuer’s professional involvement are in music therapy and job development in San Diego County, including an international music therapy internship program. In addition to her clinical work, she provides workshops and seminars (wellness, community building, stress management and pain management) nationally and internationally for health care professionals, educators and corporate clients. She has authored and coauthored several books and articles. Barbara has been recognized in the Lifetime network show, New Attitudes, and the UCSDTV Health Matters: Music and the Mind. Dr. Reuer is a 2008 Southern California Cancer Pain Initiative Awardee for excellence in pain management. She has served as President of the National Association for Music Therapy and is recipient of the American Music Therapy Association’s national Professional Practice Award in 2000 and the Lifetime Achievement Award in 2008, the highest award for professional contribution in the field of music therapy.

more importantly, defrays the cost of providing at-home music therapy services to families of children who are homebound due to incapacitating illness or physical disability. My path hasn’t always taken easy or expected turns, but I am so fulfilled and honored that every day I get to serve others while doing something I love. Music therapists are among the most energetic, talented, bright, creative, dedicated, and compassionate people I know, and it has been amazing to be part of so much growth and change in our field. I was honored to receive the Lifetime Achievement Award in 2008. I thank my colleagues for entrusting me with such an honor.n

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ENDURING There are families of enduring greatness. They have achieved excellence in times past, yet continue to pursue what made them great. They have stories to tell. They embody high character, are celebrated throughout history and loved by all who know them.

What’s your legacy?

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CROWDFUNDING 101 Three Crowdfunding Myths and Two Keys to Success

by Devin Thorpe

O

ver the past decade, crowdfunding has exploded onto the scene forever, changing the way startups, nonprofits, and families in need gather funding. Accompanying this explosion are some myths about crowdfunding that perpetuate poor practices that lead to dismal results.

When would-be crowdfunders follow the myths, they get dismal results. This doesn’t mean that crowdfunding doesn’t work. It means that you must follow best practices to get the best results.

As one who spent 25 years in finance, before launching my second career as a journalist, author, and speaker, I have a natural bias toward the financial aspects of the things I cover. I focus on the world of social impact or, in simpler terms, of doing good. I write about social entrepreneurship, impact investing, corporate social responsibility, philanthropy, and nonprofits. One common thread that connects all of these areas is the advent of crowdfunding.

Investment crowdfunding, or equity crowdfunding, is an exciting new structure for startup finance that grew out of the intersection of technology and startup finance. It took a decade for the regulatory wheels to catch up with the

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power of the internet, but now it has. I look at this field through the lens of my past life, as an investment banker, serving startups trying to raise capital. These are halcyon days for entrepreneurs.

But not for those who believe the myths and fail to embrace best practices. Here are the three biggest myths in crowdfunding.

First, is the persistent myth that if you put up a crowdfunding page people will automatically find it and fund it. The most successful crowdfunding campaigns perpetuate this myth because of their carefully crafted marketing that appears entirely organic. That isn’t how

these campaigns work. Whether you are campaigning for an exciting new technology, a nonprofit cause, or a family in crisis, putting up a crowdfunding page on Kickstarter, Crowdrise, or GoFundMe won’t start money coming in.

The second myth of crowdfunding is that all the money is raised via social media, primarily Facebook. There is no question that some money is raised that way, but most funding can be tied to two other more important sources.

More about them later. Much of the money raised for successful campaigns via social media is not from viral sharing but instead from paid advertising. For some nonprofits, that is simply out of the question. The same holds true for most families dealing with a life-altering problem.

The third myth is that you make a profit when you have a successful crowdfunding campaign. There is an increasing crowdfunding carnage from successful campaigns that have failed to deliver the goods. Literally. Typically, this is not a result of bad faith but bad math. If you sell 1,000 units for $100 each and raise $100,000, nearly 10 percent or $10,000 of the total will go to pay costs associated with the platform and the credit card processing. If you plan to manufacture your new gadget for $50 per unit, that eats up $50,000. Add the cost of shipping, and you can lose another $10,000. What happens when the cost of manufacturing goes from $50 to $100? Suddenly, you don’t have enough money to meet the obligation. In a best-case scenario, you return the money. Worst case, the money is gone and you have 1,000 unhappy customers.

Most campaigns can’t and won’t raise millions of dollars.

Even raising $100,000 via crowdfunding is difficult. By focusing on the following tips, you can be assured of meeting reasonable goals and finding a measure of success.

First, you want to focus on reaching your personal network in the most personal way possible. Sit down faceto-face with people who can make big donations and ask them to do so. Just a handful of such meetings — before you launch your campaign — can make a big difference.

Then, call your closest friends, the ones most likely to donate, and ask them to support you. Phone calls ensure that nothing gets stuck behind a spam filter or lost in the noise. Finally, email the rest of your close friends, maybe another 100 or 150 people you know well and who know you well. Do all of this before you launch your campaign so

Devin Thorpe is a journalist, author and speaker who covers social impact. He calls himself a champion of social good. He teaches people how to use crowdfunding to do more good in the world. Visit Devin’s site crowdfundingforsocialgood.com for more information about resources to equip your fundraising, including nonprofit crowdfunding training. when you do, you immediately have a pile of money and great validation for your campaign.

Second, you need to reach out to the media. For most campaigns, your highest target should be local television — nothing beats the power of being on television. Next, work on radio and print journalists. Don’t forget bloggers. Many have huge audiences. Be strategic to find people who cover your space and give them a specific, compelling reason to cover your campaign. Reach out at least twice, once before and once after you launch your campaign with huge initial success.

Once you launch your campaign, you can and should use social media and encourage your network to help you share, especially the news coverage.

Using these principles, I’ve seen and helped nonprofits raise millions of dollars. For instance, I coached a church on a $300,000 successful campaign to restore an organ.

For years, I volunteered with the Community Foundation of Utah to help with its annual Love Utah Give Utah day of giving, raising millions of dollars for nonprofits in the state.

I’m excited about crowdfunding, not because it is an easy way to raise money, but because it is almost always possible to raise money if you do it right. For so many people in so many circumstances, it may be the only money available.

That’s why I’ve written the book, Crowdfunding for Social Good, to help people raise the money they need to do good.

Recently, I’ve created a companion workbook and an online training course to go with the book, incorporating the lessons I’ve learned over years of covering and doing crowdfunding.

Ultimately, I hope my legacy includes having helped thousands of organizations to help millions of people with money they raised, using the principles I teach to help people be more effective with crowdfunding.n

LEGACY ARTS Issue 12 www.paragonroad.com 39

Nonprofit Feature

KNOTS OF LOVE Meet Founder, Christine Fabiani

by William Jenkins

What is Knots of Love?

Under the leadership of founder Christine Fabiani, Knots of Love, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization, donates hand-made caps to men and women, including veterans, undergoing chemotherapy, burn victims, brain surgery patients, head trauma patients, and individuals with alopecia. They also donate tiny blankets to fragile new lives in incubators. Knots of Love was born in 2007 out of a desire to brighten the lives of people in need, in a loving and caring way.

Christine Fabiani

Founder Christine Fabiani first learned to crochet from her grandmother Janette at age 6. Many years later, Christine found herself picking up the craft once again to make scarves and afghans for friends and family. The first piece of inspiration for Knots of Love came from her son Geoffrey, who encouraged Christine to make caps and start a charity of her own. The second piece of inspiration to make stylish, soft, head-warming chemo caps for people fighting cancer came from a friend of Christine, who was a cancer survivor herself, said to Christine, “I wish I had a cozy cap to wear after a long day of working and wearing of an itchy, scratchy, uncomfortable wig.”

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Christine notes, “I felt so good making caps for cancer patients. I thought other yarn crafters might enjoy making them too.” Since then, makers from across the United States and I have distributed, hand delivered, and shipped more than 362,589 (1,000 every week – rain or shine) handmade caps to cancer centers, oncologists’ offices, and infusion centers, plus delivered tiny Neonatal Intensive Care Unit blankets across the nation. “I often say, our gift is simple: Human kindness and warmth to someone in need,” reflects Christine.

Words of Thanks

Christine shared two beautiful testimonials of brave cancer patients.

Jeanette wrote: “I want you to make sure you tell those angels of yours how much I have appreciated the beautiful hats that they have made. The hats are a big hug on my head. They bring color to my face and make you feel pretty when you are going through tough times. Your

Words from the Cap Makers

Christine also shared testimonies of two makers and how making the caps impacted them and their family members.

Theresa shared this story about her mom: “I want to thank you for giving my mom a new purpose. Since my dad passed away from cancer a few years ago, she has become more distant and cannot find anything productive or that interests her. This concerned us very much. When she saw your hats, she said, ‘Hey, I know how to make caps.

Your grandmother used to make them all the time.’ I think something sparked inside her. Now she makes hats for others. Thank you for giving my Mom a new purpose.” hats have given me more self-esteem. Again, I want to say thank you to those angels! They have eased my pain during these difficult times.”

Beth wrote: “What touches me most is people who I will never know care enough to take the time to make something that makes me feel better. My head is warm, and I look cute. I need to look cute now; it’s good for my heart.”

Veronica wrote: “I honestly can’t imagine a world without your organization, and I’m so happy I’m able to help.”

The Knots of Love Legacy

Christine reflected, “Helping people puts a spring in my step and wind in my sails. It brings tears to my eyes when I stop and reflect upon what we do for people and how my passion affects so many lives. When my tears fall, they mean something. I strive to be that person who is pure joy, impeccable with her words, and showing up with all I am.

Knots of Love is my wellspring.”

Please visit knotsoflove.org to donate, volunteer, or learn more about Knots of Love.n

LEGACY ARTS Issue 12 www.paragonroad.com 41

The Gift of Legacy Harnessing Legacy Moments to Inspire a Lifetime

by Meg Oldman

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hen we speak of what we want to share with others about ourselves, we are talking about the art of creating a personal narrative or legacy from the collection of events that make up a life. The call to write about a particular happening in my life focuses on a special time that will become part of my legacy. During those rare occurrences, when I’m in the midst of a moment of great importance, I can feel the weight of it, and I don’t know until much later how much of an impact it will have on the definition of my life going forward.

An invitation to create a special gift for the Crown Prince and Princess of Japan to honor their marriage, on June 9th, 1993, was just such a moment.

My son was going to graduate from high school in June 1993 and was planning to go east for college in the fall. It was only January, but already I was feeling the unavoidable “letting go” process fast approaching, especially as I was the head of the graduation party committee. One morning, I was in my studio, feeling overwhelmed, when the phone rang.

“Hello, this is Masako Owada, calling from Japan.”

I was so engrossed in my own world, I almost said, “Who?” She was calling to ask me about a three panel, glass screen in my portfolio in which she was interested.

A subsequent phone call from my father, a law professor at Harvard Law School and head of the International Tax Program, revealed some surprising news. A past visiting professor from Japan had requested I share my portfolio with his colleague’s daughter, Masako Owada, to honor her upcoming wedding to the Crown Prince Naruhito of Japan.

Several years before, in 1984, Owada-san had been a visiting professor at Harvard Law School the same year his daughter, Masako, was beginning her undergraduate freshman year at Harvard College.

Just before Owada-san left to return to Japan in 1986, he asked my parents to look in on Masako, then starting her

Meg Oldman has been creating beautiful sand carved crystal and glass art for over thirty years. She uses both representational and abstract designs to communicate symbolically in a language of emotion and empathy. Much of her work is inspired by the current events that shape our lives, as well as her inner visions and memories. Meg is a graduate of The California College of Arts and Crafts. Her elegant work can be found across the world in such notable collections as The Imperial Palace in Tokyo and the Tiburon Library in Tiburon, California.

She has developed distinctive techniques to create a broad spectrum of work. These include kiln-slumped sculptural work, fine detail, large-scale screens, and architectural installations, small sizes of glass, as well as decorative illuminated pieces. Meg carves her designs using pressurized sand, highlighting the deeper carved areas with light frosting techniques for balance and depth. Etched glass enhances and inspires offices and homes everywhere. Visit Meg at www.Illuminationsartglass.com. junior year at Harvard, and to host her for the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. My parents were pleased to do so, and Masako began to call Dad her “American Father.” It was seven years later that the engagement was announced in January 1993.

The three-panel screen, in which Masako-san was interested, turned out to have some unresolved areas. I started over again by redesigning the original art work, and by refining my glass etching approach. I scheduled the delivery of the screen to take place in mid-October, because I knew it would take about nine months to complete it, from the redesign to delivery.

In order to smooth the way through the creation and presentation of the artwork in the Togu Palace, where the Prince and Princess were going to reside after their June wedding, I thought to develop a working relationship with Masako-san’s Lady-in-Waiting, Fusako-san. Our relationship evolved, both professionally and personally, over the 9-month period, with almost daily contact by telephone and email. By the time I met her in October, we were like two old friends welcoming each other. Working with her was a delight.

I worked on the art work steadily, from mid-January until Mid-October. My intention was to infuse each step in the process with wishes, such as: l World Peace. l Let everyone who stands in front of this screen feel the love and hope I’m carving into in to the glass. l May we find that diplomacy is the right way to embrace cooperation among peoples.

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My hope was that the artwork would be displayed in a central area, where visitors and dignitaries from around the world would be standing together. The Prince and Princess now occupy the Imperial Palace in Tokyo, where their screen is the prominent feature in the Reception Room.

I was invited to come to Tokyo once the finished art was shipped. I would assemble the screen, in situ, at the Togu Palace and meet with the Prince and Princess for afternoon tea. I made the 14-hour trip, with a 17 hour time change, on the last Friday of the month. Little did I know what kind of weekend was in store for me. My father-in-law had slipped into a coma two weeks before I left, and my family would not hear of me canceling my trip to be with them through that very sad time. The night of my arrival in Tokyo, my husband called to say that the doctors recommended that we decide whether or not to remove all life support for Bob by Sunday.

Then one of my best friends from childhood called to say his brother had committed suicide. I was alone in a new country with no one to whom I could turn. Saturday morning, Fusakosan called to say that Princess Masako’s grandfather passed unexpectedly. Upon reading an American newspaper, I read that Prince Naruhito’s mother, the Empress, lost the ability to speak on her 60th birthday(a temporary lapse, due to too

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much stress). My husband called Sunday morning to say that they all decided to remove Bob’s life support and to let him go. Surely I could not count on Monday’s scheduled meeting at the Togu Palace after such a traumatic weekend!

I called Fusako-san early Monday morning to discuss the tragic events. I remember bursting into tears when I heard her voice, while explaining what happened in my life; she assured me that the best course of action was for our meeting to go ahead, as a welcome distraction from our collective sorrows.

Because Fusako-san had studied psychology at Columbia, she understood and accepted my copious tears and was very kind.

Later in the day, I took the subway to the nearest stop to the Togu Palace, checked in with the lone guard at the gate, and walked, unimpeded, up the drive, to the entrance. Needless to say, that was a time before the kind of security checks we now experience were in place. Looking back, it seems a time free of the global tensions now present in cities around the world.

There were two helpers, who spoke no English, to help with the screen setup. It was quite a comedy routine, communicating with no common language! However, we did get the screen put together in the equivalent of a drawing room, where we were set to have tea and sweets together.

Masako-san came in first to greet (and hug!) me and to ask

about my parents. Then Naruhito-san entered, and we all sat down to tea and conversation. We shared the grief of our losses and talked about our families for several hours, as if we had always known one another. All this happened before we even looked at their wedding gift. When we finally stood up to convene in front of the screen, I was well-rewarded with their deep appreciation and love of the artwork. They even got down on the floor to see my dedication to them and signature at the bottom right side of the main panel.

Altogether, it was a magical meeting, and one which could not possibly have been orchestrated beforehand. The whole encounter served to raise our spirits so we could go on, with strength, to meet our tomorrows.

To experience a moment in life that highlights the generous and loving sense of how sharing common joys and sorrows is part of being human, no matter one’s station in society.

Furthermore, to experience something that one knows will be a defining moment that joins the legacy of one’s life lived is deeply gratifying. Ultimately, to be able to embrace such an occurrence as part of one’s legacy to hand down through one’s offspring, grandchildren, and on is one of the great treasures gifted to us during our lifetimes. I am proud to share with you a few photos of my experience and this story.

Please write and document your important life stories to impact the legacies of your family members as well.n

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Purposeful Prenups Laura Roser’s Interview with Beginners Guide to Purposeful Prenups co-author, Emily Bouchard

by Laura Roser LR: Do you believe prenups drive an unnecessary wedge between the couple getting married?

EB: I can say without a doubt that how a prenup is initiated and negotiated can either strengthen a marriage and family relationships or can destroy them.

Since 2004, I have had the distinct honor to interview hundreds of people who are members of families who are deliberately working together to create a lasting family legacy that will maximize the blessings, while minimizing the burdens, associated with having accumulated significant financial wealth.

The most painful memories related to me in those interviews have been from in-laws about their experience with the prenup process.

Both men and women discussed the hurtful things said to them 10, 20, or even 30 years prior. The protection around their hearts was palpable, and their eyes would fill with tears, as they spoke of the lasting pain associated with their prenup process and their subsequent relationship with their in-laws. They described how every time they were with their partner’s parents, they would still feel stabs of pain, hurt, anger, and bitterness at being treated during the prenup negotiations in ways that varied from disrespectful to downright mean and hateful.

When an engagement is tainted by how the prenup is initiated and negotiated, a couple can find the foundation of their marriage beginning to crack before the wedding.

LR: Who and what are being protected?

What are some unintended costs?

EB: When the approach to the prenup is about protecting the assets of the person from a wealthy family, the future inlaw experiences that they are seen as someone their beloved needs to be protected from – and not someone with their best interests at heart.

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The unintended legacy often produced in these families is that, while the financial assets may have been protected, the family harmony becomes largely artificial. The grandparents do not get to have the level of interaction and engagement with their grandchildren that they had hoped for, as the in-laws tend to follow the grandparents’ example by protecting the grandchildren from their grandparents.

The legacy of fear, protection, and passing on hurt and distrust takes root and had lasting repercussions in many of families I interviewed.

LR: Tell us about the birth of Purposeful Prenups.

EB: I began to explore what else might be possible. How could this important conversation be handled differently?

I started doing research about how to shift this experience right from the start, so that couples could be spared this unnecessary hurt, and families could experience a lasting legacy of greater harmony and genuine care and warmth across generations.

When I co-authored Estate Planning for the Blended Family with former estate planning attorney, L. Paul Hood, Jr, we wanted to empower couples who were partnering for the second or third time, so that they could effectively have money conversations about the future. We wrote about key elements from my research in the Communications Strategies chapter, giving guidelines and recommendations for how to discuss the emotionally loaded aspects of planning in ways that could strengthen a union.

Emily Bouchard, Managing Partner, Wealth Legacy Group, has worked with wealthy families and couples since 2004 and has facilitated over 140 family meetings. She is passionate about doing what she can to strengthen family relationships and decrease unnecessary heartache, especially when it comes to the emotions that surround money and legacy. Emily has been featured in media including The Today Show and CNN, Wall Street Journal, and The New York Times. To learn more, visit www.wealthlegacygroup.net and www.purposefulprenups.com

In 2013, Paul and I presented our approach to “Purposeful Prenups” at the Purposeful Planning Institute’s annual conference in Denver. We received confirmation from advisors from across the USA and Canada that they too were aware of the devastating impact prenups could have on a couple and the extended family if handled poorly.

Unfortunately, this causes a lot of mischief in marriages.

Conflict about money is the number one stressor for the majority of couples and is cited as the leading cause for divorce. Money itself is not the issue. It is people’s inability to talk easily, openly, and honestly with each other about money that causes the ongoing conflict.

LR: What is a “purposeful” prenup and how is it different than a regular one?

Using a prenup to support couples in thinking through some of the most challenging aspects of life is one of the most empowering things you can do.

EB: Most couples don’t realize that the moment they are married, they have entered into a legal contract that already has a prenup. Whatever state you live in has determined for you what will happen to your assets should you divorce, or become disabled, or when one of you dies. A purposeful approach to your prenuptial agreement (or postnup for those who are already married, or cohabitation agreement for those who do not intend to marry) provides couples with a framework to create a safe, honoring, and respectful space when discussing emotionally loaded topics such as death, disability, divorce, and money.

Couples who approach their prenup topics in a purposeful way develop new communication skills, with the added benefit of also building their confidence that they can handle anything that the future might bring.

As a couple strategically has prenup conversations, they get to find out what motivates each other, what their hopes and dreams are for the future, and what their true expectations are for their life together. And, in some instances, they may discover that their goals and expectations are incompatible and choose not to marry – saving themselves a great deal of heartache, pain, and cost in the future.

Since most people don’t know how to talk about money well, they tend to avoid talking about it. When people don’t feel comfortable speaking up about how they really think and feel about money, their conversations only scratch the surface and don’t get to what’s really going on underneath.

LR: What are the advantages of having a prenup in building a family legacy?

EB: One of the most common concerns I hear from parents and grandparents who are intentionally preparing their beneficiaries for the responsibilities that come with having significant financial resources is that they don’t want money to ruin their loved ones’ lives. They don’t want to rob them of their motivation to work. They want their children and grandchildren to be mindful about the choices they make with the money and want their family values to be connected to the family wealth in meaningful ways.

When a prenup becomes part of a values-based, familycentered conversation that includes in-laws as part of the family, then the family’s legacy can progress into one where everyone has the capacity to talk respectfully, openly, and in healthy, honoring ways about the true net worth everyone brings to the family. The old paradigm of protection shifts into one of cultivating authentic trust, open communication, and responsible practices and standards when it comes to money.

The remarkable and surprising outcome of approaching prenups from a win/win model is that family relationships often become stronger and more enjoyable, and future generations are raised by parents who are comfortable – and not conflicted – when talking about money. This is one of the greatest legacies you can strive for, as it means happier, healthier marriages now and for generations to come.n

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PRESERVING Family Wealth Consensus, Not Fiat, in Family Governance

by Daniel Slone

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homas Rogerson’s approach to preserving family wealth is as much about trust and communication as investment and tax planning.

In the popular consciousness, inherited wealth is probably linked most closely to the Paris Hiltons of the world — the spoiled child who never worked for anything, out squandering the family fortune. The solution — again, in the public’s mind — is a tightly controlled trust fund or else the Warren Buffett solution, which is that wealthy parents should give their children “enough money so they would feel they can do anything but not so much that they could do nothing.”

The reality of family wealth is, of course, far different.

In truth, all too often the wealth disappears within a generation or two, and not because of spendthrift, globetrotting children. In one study of 3,500 families that had wealth at least one generation ago and lost it, 60% of family members said they lost the wealth because of a lack of communication and trust.

Personal Influences

Thomas Rogerson, an authority on family governance with over 30 years of experience, knows that truth only too well.

“My father came from American royalty. His grandfather, Charles Rogerson, was president of Boston Safe Deposit & Trust Company, which became the largest financial institution in the Northeast. He had a lot of money — even by today’s standards. In fact, the foundation he started in Boston still has over $1 billion,” explains Rogerson. “His estate plan left the bulk of his wealth to his descendants, yet today it’s entirely gone — not because of bad investment or tax planning, but because of how the family handled it. It’s a loving, fantastic family, but my great-grandfather made all the decisions about the wealth on his own behind closed

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doors, so the next generation never learned to make any decisions of consequence about money.”

That loss ultimately drove Rogerson’s career choices. After college, he joined Merrill Lynch with the notion that he could “help families preserve their wealth better than mine had.”

Before long he turned to estate tax planning, in part because at that time — the early 1980s — the tax laws were undergoing significant change. He rose to become national director of tax planning at Kidder, Peabody & Company and served in similar roles at State Street Global Advisors and BNY Mellon, but eventually he grew disillusioned with the brokerage industry. “I felt it was difficult to truly help families because the compensation structure in the industry is aligned in favor of Wall Street, not the clients.” He joined Wilmington Trust in 2011.

Helping Others

Years before, he had read a book by James “Jay” Hughes, known as the “father of family governance,” and in his time at State Street added family governance to his estate tax planning process. “I could talk to clients about the tax benefits of generation-skipping trusts and foundations but also explain to them how to introduce the concepts to their family so that they would be well-received.” However, it was his experience with a client at Mellon who helped him realize he needed a new approach.

Rogerson explains, “A married couple I was working with told me one day that they had accepted everything I had told them, but it simply wasn’t helping. They said, ‘On one hand you tell us that your family lost its wealth because your grandfather insisted on controlling everything, so the next generation never learned to manage it, yet you’re telling us how to establish family governance for our children. Shouldn’t you be teaching the children?’ They had a point. It’s the next generation that needs an advocate.”

Family Governance

That realization led him to develop a model of family governance that is almost unique in the industry. “I would say that 95% of people in the family governance space start with a family governance plan that is prescriptive and regimented,” he says. “My goal is to create three things: buy-in, ownership, and empowerment. I don’t let the parents make governance choices for the family; I tell them to let the family decide.”

Rogerson’s five-step process is designed to build interdependence, communication, and trust. “Poor families aren’t lucky in many ways, but they do have one advantage: they have to be interdependent and communicate. Every financial decision means potential sacrifices for every family member, so there has to be buy-in. Wealthy families focus on independence, but as a result they don’t learn as much about or from each other.” He adds that the irony among wealthy families is that the business owner who is trying to raise independent children goes to work and expects the exact opposite — interdependence and teamwork — from his or her management team.

As a recognized leader and pioneer in family governance, Thomas Rogerson introduces clients throughout the U.S. to his “5 Steps to Healthy Family Governance,” which assists families with communication, philanthropic vision, legacy planning, succession, and education. Rogerson joined Wilmington Trust in 2011 with more than three decades of experience in the wealth management industry. For over a decade, he has provided guidance and education to help prepare families as wealth is transitioned from generation to generation.

This extensive knowledge and experience with families is of great benefit to the members of the National Association of Estate Planners and Councils as Tom serves on the Multi Disciplinary Teaming Committee. Rogerson is an international speaker on the topic of family governance.

The first step is to educate the family about the issue.

“They have to understand the potential pitfalls for family wealth as well as possible solutions.” Rogerson’s family story provides him instant credibility in this regard. “They understand that I’m not just talking about things I’ve learned in theory; these are things I lived through.”

The first three steps typically take about half a day in one family meeting. After that, the fourth step is to practice making decisions together. “I recommend that they start with low-consequence issues to the family, such as family philanthropy or family vacation planning. That lets them work out their family decision making process.”

The second step is to learn the communication and leadership style of each family member — their own included.

“Decisions about family wealth often reveal that family members may love each other but yet not trust each other to make the right decision.” Rogerson uses the ILS model, which divides decision-making styles into the Director, who is all about results; the Persuader, who is impulsive and talkative; the Counselor, who is all about the people involved; and the Analyzer, who wants details and data in order to make the right decision. “It’s not always the parents who try to dominate things,” he explains. “The children who are directors and persuaders start by acting, and they may be making decisions before the counselors and analyzers, who start by thinking, have had time to reach a conclusion. Those different decisionmaking personalities have to learn how to work together.”

The fifth and final step is healthy family governance.

“This should be the destination, not the starting point,” Rogerson explains. “Too many family governance plans are dictated from the outset and rigid and regimented.”

The third step is a values test. This gives the family the opportunity to find common ground in the form of shared values. “Maybe we can’t agree about supporting a Democratic or Republican cause, but we can agree about supporting education,” Rogerson suggests.

Going Further

Rogerson’s work goes beyond this five-step process.

He also helps families develop curricula for “the things the children won’t learn at school and wouldn’t learn independently — family philanthropy, family entrepreneurship, family education.” He has also developed a specialty trust for funding family meetings well into the future after the parents are gone. “I’ve found that the meetings tend to fall by the wayside because no one takes responsibility for planning them. Having a source specifically to fund everyone’s attendance helps keep them going.”

“A Chinese proverb says, ‘You don’t have enough money to give your children the blessing of growing up poor.’ We’ve succeeded in creating interdependence among highly separated children in their forties and fifties, so I say it’s never too late,” Rogerson says. “Any family can benefit from these ideas, but for wealthy families, they are crucial to maintaining wealth.”n

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The Often-Overlooked Asset of Spiritual Capital How to Nurture and Pass Along Spiritual Capital in Estate Planning

By Charlie Douglas

E

state planning needs an extreme makeover. I was dumbfounded when I discovered there was no working definition of “estate planning” at such reputable institutions as the American College of Trust and Estate Counsel or the American College of Financial Services. Seriously, no definition.

That seemed unfathomable to me in a profession in which there are tens of thousands of us who say we are actively engaged in estate planning. From estate attorneys as the honor guard, to life insurance agents, to accountants, to elder care specialists, to family dynamic facilitators, to trust and philanthropic officers and to comprehensive financial planners, the estate planning industry is clearly much more than anyone planning professional and its own limited perception of estate planning. At the same time, estate planning is very much its own intensive discipline and shouldn’t be confused with the more broadly based notion of financial planning.

Estate planning is a distinct subset of financial planning; it isn’t to be watered down in the comprehensive ocean of financial planning.

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Words Have Meaning and Can Create Confusion

Forced to turn to the oracle of Wikipedia for further clarification, I gleaned that estate planning is “the process of anticipating and arranging during a person’s life for the management and disposal of that individual’s estate during the individual’s life and at, and after, death while minimizing gift, estate, generation-skipping transfer and income tax.” Try incorporating that little ditty into your next elevator speech. No wonder we have mightily struggled for many years to find the right words to tell people what it is that we do when asked by them at cocktail parties.

Justifiably, we had good reason to choose the less occupied corner in the room.

Okay, it’s only a definition — is there really cause for concern? Yes! It’s precisely in how we define and perceive estate planning that will dictate how we overtly approach it. Moreover, the public (including many of our own clients and clients to be) is overwhelmingly confused as to what estate planning is, and we as professionals have in no small way contributed to the misunderstanding.

According to a recent WealthCounsel survey, three-fourths of Americans are confused regarding their thoughts about estate planning. This lack of clarity around estate planning helps explain the lack of public engagement, where 64% of Americans don’t even have a will.

The Need for a Working Definition

For there to be a working definition of estate planning that will bring meaning to the plethora of planning professionals and the public alike — no one will get everything that he wants from it. Still, all can and should have a more simplified and tangible definition that they can understand and live with.

The definition of estate planning should be enduring and unchanging. The expression of estate planning, however, must continually adapt and change with the times. For many years, leading with estate tax minimization and the tax saving strategies was an effective way to get clients in the door to do proper estate planning. Today, however, the estate tax has already been effectively repealed for 99 percent of American taxpayers, and if the Trump administration has its way, it will soon be 100 percent.

In its most fundamental form, the definition of estate planning must empower and support the family (or the individual) first, and thereafter concern itself with the transition of assets. As such, narrow and traditional tax planning notions of “estate planning” should be lessened in favor of more broadened and progressive sentiments surrounding “empowered estate & family wealth planning” — where the client and the multidisciplinary team of planning professionals collaboratively engage in protecting, preserving and enhancing the family through the accumulation, conservation and distribution of one’s assets and values.

Five Capitals

Charlie Douglas, J.D., CFP®, CAP®, AEP®/ Director of Wealth Planning-Cedar Rowe Partners is a board member of the National Association of Estate Planners & Councils (“NAEPC”), Charlie is the past editor of the NAEPC Journal of Estate and Tax Planning and he is the current chair of NAEPC’s Multidisciplinary Team Committee. He is also an Executive Committee member of the State Bar of Georgia/Fiduciary Law Section and a board member of the Atlanta Estate Planning Council. Charlie is a frequent lecturer to several professional organizations as well as a contributor and commentator to such national publications as the Wall Street Journal, Trusts & Estates, the New York Times, CNBC, CNN Money, Investment News, Kiplinger and Forbes.

Hughes’ account in Family Wealth was that financial capital alone can’t promote long-term wealth preservation.

When families and their advisors narrowly define and approach wealth in terms of financial capital, they routinely fall victim to the proverb of “shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations.” They fail to properly invest in the other more fundamental capitals that can also help bolster a family’s long-term financial capital. To bring Jay’s published list of capitals up-to-date, there should be a fifth capital that both Jay and I have implored for many years, as mentioned below.

5. Spiritual Capital — refers to an act in which an individual discerns and deploys his unique gifts and strengths, dreams and desires, with spiritual (enlightened) self-interest. It’s about guiding the family to flourish so that its members must balance their own individual needs with those of others, both familial and societal.

One’s assets, common sense tells us, must consist of economic and non-economic assets alike. Estate planning encompasses more than just dealing with financial assets or financial capital. Who among us would voluntarily trade our life, a limb or a loved one for financial capital? A families’ greatest asset is seldom the amount of financial capital it possesses. Jay Hughes in his seminal book, Family Wealth: Keeping it in the Family, proffers four capitals as follows:

Values

1. Human — refers to the individual family members: their knowledge, talents, spirituality, values, passions, dreams and aspirations. Most importantly, the term also refers to their defining who they are called to be and what they are called to do.

2. Intellectual — involves how individuals learn over a lifetime and how families communicate, resolve conflict, make joint decisions and mentor one another.

3. Social — refers to an individual’s connections with his communities. It typically shows care and civic engagement.

4. Financial — reflects the more traditional definition of wealth, such as property of the family, its financial assets, trusts and partnerships and other investment and estate planning arrangements.

As we wait for professional and academic organizations to collectively bring about a much-needed makeover to estate planning, practitioners may do well to retool their skillsets to have a broader focus beyond financial capital. Estate planning practices should also consider modernizing so that, for example, more attention could be paid to cloud-based collaboration. Technology now provides those engaged in estate planning with communal programs such as SharedFile (for storing and sharing important client planning documents) and GoToMeeting (for virtual client/advisor meetings), and they’ll increasingly be used by progressive planners who seek to serve the client in a more collaborative and more cost-efficient manner.n

One’s values, and importantly our understanding and recordation of them, is critical to the context of financial capital and to what inheritors say they want. Studies consistently show that passing along personal and family values is the most important legacy that can be left for heirs — more than twice as important as money and financial assets.

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Timeless Wisdom: John Locke’s Chameleons How Our Environment Shapes Our Thoughts

by Laura A. Roser

I

n Some Thoughts Concerning Education (1693), John Locke writes:

“We are all a sort of chameleons, that still take a tincture from things near us: nor is it to be wondered at in children, who better understand what they see, than what they hear.”

It is wise to take great care in selecting your environment.

Who you are surround by is who you become. Like a chameleon that changes color to blend into its surroundings, we often change ourselves to gain acceptance or because we begin believing the views of those around us. Soon what was once strange, repulsive, or foreign becomes a part of who we are. This can be a good thing if we surround ourselves with those we respect and a bad thing if we are among those we don’t wish to emulate.

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Locke goes on to write in Section 70 of the same text: A young man before he leaves the shelter of his father’s house, and the guard of a tutor, should be fortify’d with resolution, and made acquainted with men, to secure his virtues, lest he should be led into some ruinous course, or fatal precipice, before he is sufficiently acquainted with the dangers of conversation, and his steadiness enough not to yield to every temptation.

Thus, according to Locke, one of the most important things you can do to prepare a young man or woman to leave the nest is to secure his or her virtues. This doesn’t just apply to the young. It applies to anyone who hasn’t established a solid set of principles by which to live. If there are no virtues you hold true, it is easy to “yield to every temptation.”

Locke warns us of the “dangers of conversation.” We are able to craft our own reality based on the stories we tell ourselves and the words we believe from others. This leads to our decisions and can, in turn, lead to a beautiful life or the ruinous course Locke hopes to help young ones avoid with the proper training.

In a world where political tensions are high, information is abundant, and confusion abounds, it is more important than ever to establish virtues and surround ourselves with those who are like-minded. It’s a tricky task because on the one hand, it’s bad to be narrowminded. On the other, to be swayed by the opinion of everyone who crosses our path removes one’s sense of control and ability to make decisions that are right for that specific individual.

Perhaps the best advice to combat this conundrum is found in Section 94 of Locke’s document: “The only fence against the world is a thorough knowledge of it, into which a young gentleman should be enter’d by degrees, as he can bear it; and the earlier the better, so he be in safe and skillful hands to guide him.”

The more we learn in an environment of safety, the easier it is to navigate the world and determine which beliefs fit in with who we’d like to become.

John Locke (August 29, 1632 – October 28, 1704) is considered to be one of the most influential thinkers of the Enlightenment.

His political philosophies inspired many of the ideologies reflected in the United States’ Declaration of Independence.n

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ISSUE 12

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