How to Respond to Back Talk

Four Ways to Respond to Back Talk & Sidestep Power Struggles

B Y: Kim Lange

What can shift for you when you think differently about back talk? How do you want to respond when a child is talking back to you?

Kim Lange, a Child & Adolescent Therapist and founder of the Emotion Guide Collective suggests that when we view back talk as rude, disrespectful, and argumentative behavior that is unacceptable and must be stopped, we create an environment for power struggles to thrive.

Here are four ways to think about back talk and sidestep power struggles:

1. The child disagrees with you AND disagreeing is okay. They may need help developing the skills to disagree appropriately. Set a boundary around how they’re communicating. Acknowledge that they disagree with you and model a way they can better express their disagreement.

2. The child is angry and emotionally overwhelmed by the situation. They need help tending to their anger. Focus on empathizing with their emotions. When it feels helpful, guide them to use calm down tools.

3. The child is wired to strive for a sense of control. Choices and partnering can help them shift out of a, “I need to win.” perspective. Ask them, “How can we work together to create a solution here?” Or “Would you prefer Choice A or Choice B?”

4. The experience has triggered your feelings of disrespect. It might sound like this in your head: “How dare they treat me like this. Who do they think they are? I can’t let them get away with this.” and on and on your thoughts may go trying to get you to act out your anger towards the child. Once you’re able to offer yourself kindness and tend to your emotions, the charge will dissipate and you’ll be able to see that the child is simply exploring ways to get their needs met.