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I hated my husband after having a baby - and that's ok
By Jancee Dunn
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When you write a book with a title like 'How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids', people are going to tell you things. Private things. I’ve heard it all at this point. My husband and I didn’t talk for a year after our son was born. Oh, I’m radiating hatred at Justin basically all the time. I dread when Sean returns from business trips, because I feel like I hate my husband and it’s so much more peaceful when he’s gone.
These admissions are usually told to me in a whisper, because women inevitably feel self-conscious and ashamed. I know where they’re coming from. Before our daughter Sylvie was born in the spring of 2009, my husband, Tom, and I almost never fought. After we became parents, we battled all the time.
I called him terrible names and threatened divorce. Other times, we were so chilly with each other that for days, we’d barely exchange a word beyond logistical matters such as “Where did you put the wipes?”
I ASSUMED I WAS THE ONLY ONE THINKING "I HATE MY HUSBAND" WHEN HE'D LEAVE AN UNWASHED BOTTLE IN THE SINK OR FORGET TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
I couldn’t tell my mother or sisters— they have long memories—and because I didn’t hear anything from my friends about fighting with their partners, I assumed I was the only one thinking "I hate my husband" when he'd leave an unwashed bottle in the sink or forget to take out the trash. My social media feed only made me feel worse. Every birth announcement featured a giggly baby and serenely smiling parents. Was I the only mother making obscene hand gestures to my spouse over our baby’s head?
This parental fail was even more painful for me than it was for Tom. We are only a few generations away from the traditional roles our grandparents had, after all. Due to societal pressures, mothering and keeping house are, like it or not, still more central to women’s identities overall than men’s.
BUT IT’S NORMAL TO FIGHT. IT’S EVEN NORMAL TO FIGHT BITTERLY.
You’re both reeling from zigzagging hormones, deranged from sleep deprivation, and dazed by the bizarre amount of laundry that one tiny being can generate. What ratcheted up the tension for us even further was that although we worked equal hours— we’re both writers—I ended up doing most of the housework and child care.
In that case, I’m really not alone. Despite the fact that women’s lives have changed radically in the past three decades—women make up nearly half of the U.S. labor force, and in heterosexual marriages are the primary breadwinners by a record 42 percent—inside the home, things have not changed for women quite as much.
A 2015 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family shows that among 182 heterosexual working couples that became first-time parents, men did a fairly equal share of the housework—until, that is, they became dads. By the time their baby had reached nine months, the women had picked up an average of 37 hours of child care and housework per week, while the men did 24 hours.
I am embarrassed to say that my main motivation to patch up my disintegrating marriage came from my child; I saw with dismay that our fighting was beginning to change her personality.
Starting around age 4, our happygo-lucky child was becoming more cautious, more watchful.
Worse, she began to jump between us as we argued (often saying “Don’t yell at Daddy.”) But the fact that my relationship with the guy I loved was eroding was a distant second.
In desperation, I consulted dozens of experts, from marital counsellors to social psychologists to time management masterminds. Here are the solutions that worked best for us.
I stopped hovering and let him do things his own way.
I realized I was shutting Tom out by correcting or criticizing everything he did with our baby. This stemmed from a behavior psychologists call “maternal gatekeeping,” where a mother can open the gate to encourage her partner’s participation, or firmly swing it shut.
Once I was mindful of this behavior, I saw that I was doing it all the time. I would roll my eyes when he would try and dress the baby or tell him he wasn’t changing her diaper correctly. As a hesitant father, this put him off—and who isn’t hesitant at first?
I learned to fight fair.
Conflict is natural—but as several therapists bluntly informed us, now that we were the grown-ups in the family, it was time to hash it out like adults. No swearing. No screaming. No name calling. (Learn more about the art of a productive argument.) Most effective for us was the conflictresolution method pioneered by eminent couples researchers John and Julie Gottman. When a squabble is brewing, they say to start with an “I” statement rather than a “you” statement. The former is disarming and nonaccusatory—“I’m too tired to put the baby to bed, can you do it?”—rather than the more aggressive “You never put him to bed.” We also realized how important it is to describe the problem we were having without judgment or blame and state clearly what we needed. “I could use some help making dinner” is much more helpful and prescriptive than yelling, “I’m doing everything around here.” Admitting our role in the problem, even if it’s small, was also essential. This makes it easier to find a compromise. A helpful question to drill this down quickly is, “Why is this issue important to you?” Finally, we learned to repair the rift by asking questions like, “What can I do right now to make this better?” so we had actionable measures to fix the problem at hand.
We clearly split up chores.
Experts repeatedly told us that when you have a baby, you and your mate have a brand-new relationship— meaning everything is up for renegotiation. That includes chores.
One Saturday, we sat down at the kitchen table and divvied up every single task in our household. Taking a page from a 2015 study published by the Families and Work Institute examining 225 single-sex couples, we divided it according to preference, rather than who “should” be doing something. I love grocery shopping, while Tom loathes it; he likes doing play dates on the weekend when I’d rather be a hermit. As we heard over and over, conflicts arise from ambiguity, so we had to make every role crystal clear. Were our tasks split 50-50? No, even though some of my advisers said that we should. For me, it was more about what felt equitable: Tom started cooking dinner once or twice a week, which wasn’t an even split but made me feel satisfied.
That little algorithm will probably be different for every couple—the important piece is the perception of fairness.
We laid off the scorekeeping.
I would fume when Tom took a long nap on a Saturday afternoon, just because I would never presume to take a nap. But being mad on principle didn’t help either of us.
New York City–based time management consultant Julie Morgenstern told me to ask myself this game-changing question if I was about to pick a fight: “What does this cost me?” If our child was playing quietly, did it really matter if he took a nap? Was he depriving her of valuable enrichment time? No? Then let it go.
We didn’t put off sex.
It’s so easy to put sex at the bottom of the list when you’re exhausted from kids and work, but it’s crucial for a healthy relationship. As Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia University told me, your physical connection with your partner strengthens your emotional connection.
Nor is a tantric marathon required; a meta-analysis of over 25,000 people found that the optimal frequency of sex for couples, no matter how long they have been together, is once a week.
A 2008 survey of 50 sex researchers found that the perfect stretch of time for intercourse is…seven to 13 minutes. Even the busiest among us can manage that.
Another easy way to boost your sex life is to try something new together, which can enhance desire through what social psychologists call “excitation transfer theory.” This idea purports that the joy and excitement you feel from one activity may amplify the stimulation and connection you feel in the bedroom.
And it doesn’t need to be skydiving, either—simply something novel, like a cooking class. Tom and I have, among other things gone gravel biking, to a kooky Korean spa for couples, and visited a psychic. Being playful together —and sharing laughs, especially after the psychic was dead wrong on almost everything—absolutely enhanced desire.
We talked through money issues.
The cost of your new baby’s diapers alone is panic inducing, so it’s crucial for new parents to communicate and understand each other’s perspective. Financial issues are about so much more than money: They’re about your values, identity, security, and deep-rooted fears. (In fact, most couples would rather discuss sex than their finances.)
Tom and I took a page from the growing new field of financial therapy, which has people explore their lifelong relationships with money. Financial therapy has you tackle some in-depth questions, many of which most couples have never discussed: What did money mean to you growing up? Was it a source of stress? Status? What is your biggest fear about money? What lessons do you want to pass on to your kids about money? What does financial security look like to you? Tom grew up in a household where money was tight (or nonexistent), which suddenly explained why he always misplaced or forgot to pay bills, an ongoing issue with us:
During his childhood, bills were a source of fear. In my family, every penny was tightly budgeted, so I was reluctant to spend money on anything that wasn’t a basic necessity. Talking about your fears and worries builds empathy and understanding.
We performed small yet meaningful acts of love more often.
The Gottmans say that the small daily things you do to make your partner feel good reap greater rewards than the occasional sweeping gesture. I would surprise Tom by bringing home his favorite wine, or send him a quick text to make him laugh rather than remind him to bring home paper towels; if I had a rough day, Tom would lay out my pajamas and offer a quick massage.
As a bonus, that responsiveness can help your sex life, too. In a 2016 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers asked 100 couples to keep a diary for six weeks documenting their sexual feelings for their partner. When their partner made them feel respected and appreciated, desire levels zoomed upward—particularly for women. (As one researcher explained, responsiveness ignites desire by conveying the message that a partner is valued and worth pursuing.)
Tom and I also try to set aside 10 minutes a day to chat about anything but kids, work, or scheduling (for the first few tries, we are alarmingly short of ideas). This little ritual has strengthened our bond immeasurably.
New York Times bestselling author Jancee Dunn is the author of five books, including
Your relationship is not an air plant, and if you don’t devote even a small amount of time to it, it will wither. I had grown so childcentric that my motivation to stop fighting was about our daughter, but I now see that Tom is the ally I didn’t know I had.
